Pappy's Flatshare - Series 8, Episode 6 (Creosote The Fence)

Episode Date: October 15, 2018

Jess Robinson and Caroline Mabey join Pappy's for rather an experimental show which features not only props but two Beef Brothers complainants. Also within you'll find... Caroline inventing a new and very popular word, Jess flirting Clarky into submission, Tom making notes about pants and Matthew palpably wishing we'd made a couple of the rounds a little less complicated. We are super grateful to everyone who has thrown a bit of money at the show. If you'd like to join these legends you can do so by clicking on comedy.co.uk/pfs/donate - If you wouldn't like to do so, you can still help us out by spreading the news about the show to all corners of the globe. Thanks! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Do you want to see what the world is really like? Yes. Four things is deliciously funny and spectacularly entertaining. A woman plotting her course to freedom. A bad enough one. It's non-stop bonkers brilliance. I love that. Poor things.

It's like theaters for December 15. Hello, you lovely bunch. It's me, Clarkie. Thank you so much for listening to another episode of Pappies, Flat Share, Slam Down. Don't worry. It's me, Clarky. Thank you so much for listening to another episode of Pappy's Flat Share Slam Down. Don't worry, it's not just me. Imagine that, that'd be awful. The other guys would be along in a second. I'm just here to thank you so much if you've donated. I really mean that, despite the slightly patronizing way I said it. And if you haven't donated, maybe you'd like to. And if you would like to, you can do it here at comedy.co.uk,

forward slash, pfs, forward slash, donate. Just think of all the wonderful years of joy we've bought you and put a price on that £2. Anyway, I hope you enjoy it. Speak to you soon. Love you. Bye! Okay, so as everybody knows, we start the show with a sketch. They're never that great. But we're dealing with them. We're stuck to the format. What we decide to do, we improvise the sketch now. And that is always a problem.

Yes. Because we're not keen improvisers. With barely comics. We're barely comedians at this stage in the game. We're basically people who are one day away from temping. Yes. Because that was always. And by one day away, we tempt yesterday.

Yes. Yes. OK, so this week's theme is the classic household chore. We do it every day of career-soting the fence. We are searching the fence. We've been accused of running out of ideas. No, thank you. We all got a rotor guy. We've all got a rotor.

We are so that bloody fence of the righteous. I'm checking that rotor right now, because I'm about real soap bloody fence. I'm a russian. Checking that rotor right now because I'm about to say, Tom, Ben, what is it about now? Hello. Is this the sketch? Yes. As I was mentioning earlier on, all houses have a rotor.

Now unfortunately, we've not filled in the rotor for who's going to create a soap. So, create a soda rotor? The create a soda, if you will. So, it's going to have to be one of you two guys, I'm afraid. Ah, well, I'm not going to do it. Whoa!

I tell you what, there's a huge ramp up for that centre. Very little when the sentence of Italy arrived. That is very much my style. I think you've got exactly what it takes to create a soot the fence, but let's find out Tom. It's not going to be me, Matthew. OK, fair enough. Well, you both put forward such compelling arguments.

So, how do you really want me to settle this? And that's to have a flat-shear slam. Sheslam down. Sheslam down. Oh, I'm gonna smash it. I'm gonna smash it. I'm gonna smash it. I'm gonna smash it.

I'm gonna smash it. I'm gonna smash it down. I'm gonna smash it down. Hello and welcome to FlatShare, slam down. The panel show that says, And I need you now tonight. And I need you more than ever. And if you don't, it won't be tight.

We'll be holding on forever. And we'll only be making it right. Cos we'll never be wrong. Together we can take it to the end of the line. Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time. I don't know what you do. I'm always in the dark. We're living in a power keg and giving off sparks. I really need you tonight. Forever's gonna start tonight. Forever's gonna start tonight once upon a time I was falling in love now I'm only falling apart

Nothing I can say Creos Total Eclipse of the heart I'm the host of Landlord Matthew Crosby and and while they're under my roof, they will be following my rules. Yes. Let's be my tenants. The Everchirpy Tom Perry. Oh, hi, hi. And Benedict's class. Hello.

Oh. What a pleasure. So, Tom, why do you cry and moat when I ask you to cree Oh, soot? Well, Matthew, it's a terrible story actually. The last time I was asked to paint a fence, I was going to do it with my best friend, who, and I'm not telling you, was the key ingredient used in a bowl of porridge.

And I said, Jesus, have I best friend? I said, He gave me by the fence. He said, me by the fence, 10 in the morning, and he said, look, I can't, I've, he'd be by the fence. He'd be by the fence. He'd be by the fence. Ten in the morning, and he said, look, I can't.

I've got a job interview. He went for job interview, and he got that job, and then he got a better job. And I said, you know how, McLean Fence? He said, no, I've got a, he even better job, and for you know, he honed a company, and then he was managing director. He was a real career-sote.

That's right, a career-sote, everyone. Career-sote. No, no, no, no, no. Career's right, a career's out everyone. Career's out. Career's out. Career's out. Career's out. Career's out. Oat. Career's out.

But why was that a problem? Well, it's not a bad question for Caroline there, Tom. You had a friend who wanted to further himself in life who was also an out. Yes. Well, but does that stop me from solving today's problem? No, it was a real problem because then I went to my second best friend. No, it's okay to my friend.

It wasn't a puzzle. It was kind of like not a weasel, but sure. One of those types of not a ball. Not a ball. Not a weasel. He said he had a job interview as well. Oh my god. Oh my god.

He got that job in for me. That career stowed as I live in Paris. That was a real problem. Big friend of Kim Jong Un, as well, wasn't he? Big friend of Kim Jong Un. So Ben, why did you find the suggestion so offensive? Well, actually, I used to have a job as a handyman. Oh yeah.

I had this one job on and it was for a posh person and they asked me to varnish their fence. Oh yeah. And I was like, no, David Copperfield, I can't varnish your fence, I just smashed it up. Varnish, because varnish, a posh person saying varnish. So that's I vanished, doesn't it? You varnish my fence.

Varnish my fence. And why was that a problem? I got fired. Not as easy as it looks. So obviously you cannot create a so-and-so on your own. Who have you brought to be your lacquering lackeys this week, Tom? Well, that's the terrible news. The Jamborees in danger.

Oh dear. Yes, I know. No. I'm using headliners cancelled on us at the last minute. What are you talking about? I know, but not only that. Only the headliners have cancelled, but the first on the bill have cancelled. And all the other acts have cancelled as well. I'm assuming second and third and fourth.

And fifth. Oh, come on Bill. It's a huge bill. The only band that haven't cancelled a reef. Oh, come on. I'm not saying the race haunt. Great to have them back. It's good to bill. The only band that haven't cancelled a reef. Oh, can't have some settings. They're ratings. Great to have them back. There's goods have them back. But you can't run a whole jamboree on reef.

As I told my bar staff. Man, does that look on reef alone? No, well, that I did. 1998 to the year 2000. Absolutely. It's a great trick. You were playing it anyway. It was a lovely reference.

Anyway, I found the most musically versatile person I know. Ladies and gentlemen, Jess Robinson! Jess Robinson is here! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thanks for having me. It's an absolute pleasure. Thank you for coming on the show, Jess. Now, what kind of a flatmate are you? A really messy one. Really?

I'm a bit messy, and I'm also really happy in the morning. So messy and happy, the worst. It's the perfect storm of awful there isn't it? Yes, absolutely. Just skipping around with Nick is all over the floor. Keep talking. Leave. I like the way you started making notes.

Stop. Move in with Jess. So you just basically leave pants and stuff. I'm not making notes, Tom. Yeah, move in with Jess. So you just basically leave pants and stuff. Tonails, you're a tonal kind of person. And I bite my toenails. Oh, my mouth. Oh, my mouth.

That's incredibly flexible. Could I say here now that I am living on my own? I heard them. Now, one, do you happy? Yeah, it's lovely. It's lovely. Talk to myself and all the different voices. And yes. Did your flatmates move out? Or did you, do you happy? Yeah, it's lovely. It's lovely. Talk to myself and all the different voices and... Did your flatmates move out or were you forced?

Were you forced out? I think none of them could live with me anymore because they all had to live with someone else for some reason. It just happens, doesn't it? And then I divorced my last flatmate. Of course, yeah. I've made this the divorce to your husband for being gay. I don't divorce him for being gay.

No, you're very progressive. But you just obviously it was... It was fine, it was fine guys. I just didn't... No. So Ben, you brought something along, man. Well, we're talking about that lecture with the show, maybe, but Ben, who have you brought along with? Help you out with this pre-assignment. I really hope his mom doesn't listen to this.

I mean, no one does, so it's fine. It's fine. Go on, Ben, I bought my own pair. It's Caroline Mayburton. It's your own pair. Caroline Mayburton, thank you so much for coming on the show. What kind of a flatmate are you? Intolerable right?

Intolerable Just it is that true which bit story about you having a husband a game a game A game It's a bit like a shame and but they do different tricks I've also cured a man of his heterosexuality What was your trick? I went out with Tim for three years, lived with him. Yeah.

Loved him, loved him loads. I loved him. I loved him hard. Little Tim hard, maybe. Yeah, loved him frontwards backwards. Oh, that's a thing. That's when he goes wrong. Oh, it's the trigger.

Yeah, looking back. That's probably what's done here. Yeah. I tell you what, I like it when it gets real. Because it really did, didn't it? Yeah. We've both made some really awkward silence. It's absolutely ready tonight. Sorry.

A-E-A to deal with it completely. Have you ever creased ho de fave? Let's move on. That's our next question we're going to ask. Let's move it on. It got way too, Jeremy Carl. So we've met our contestants, but which did we'll be doing? Exactly what it says on the tin. Let's move on! That's our next question making them ask. Let's move it on! It got way too Jeremy Carl, so we've met our contestants, but which team we'll be doing exactly what it says on the tin.

Let's find out as you play Round 1! Woohoo! Hey, there's your new coach, for days with the rain came Some lovely three-as-soats, painting your new standing Wanna show you off now, hey, hey, I'm gonna have a barbecue Get all of my friends and the rents on They can hang out and look at you, yes you My brums made me fat You and my brums made me fat What ever happened Hey, man. Whatever happens, I'll just ask you down the road, low.

I land against you wearing my lovely white cheetah. Everyone who started laughing, my chinos didn't find no more. I look like I've shit myself Don't wanna buy the cute no more Cause of you My browns think they're Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha You and I, browns think they're

Do you remember when My friend's going in and said Ha Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Oh my goodness. I love it. That was really special. That was, yeah. I mean, because I told you before this I didn't know what Cree was so it was, and that's explained it. Yeah, it's really, I mean, no one is. So round one is called verbal fencing.

It's a game that tests quick wit and verbal dexterity. So I'm going to give one player on each team a category and they must take it in turns to name things within that category The player wins the battle when the opponent hesitates repeats a previous answer or strays too far from the original category I've also written down my favorite thing in each category if any player matches that There's a golden envelope then he played a match with my answer to get a bonus Love him for later. So let's love him Love him Love him Love him You should've done the envelope episode Golden envelope. Then he'll be a Max it with my answer to get a bonus. Love envelope. So let's love envelopes. You should have done the envelope episode.

It's a bunch of random things. Who's going to lick the envelope? I need to think of new ideas. So let's start with Tom and Caroline. You love envelopes? Let's play. Your category is going to be things that are green. Should we just shout out? You do want then Tom does want me

Okay, yeah Caroline, I'd like you to start Are you ready? Yes Peas Green grass Frog Hills

Tumberjwells Jellis people Angry Toad Sick person A leaf A frog said a frog Tom Perry you are our early doors do I keep going Do you know what yeah, you if you do a few more you can go for your extra points T-shirt, okay, no

Call it a draw I gave. I gave it a shot. Now I can reveal that no one got my golden envelope, which was the triangular hazelnut noisette. Oh, yeah. That no longer exists. Quality street. Quality street. Oh, oh, I was thinking of roses.

Yeah, quality street size, they do the big ones now. But of knowledge for you all there. So next up is Ben and Jess. I want you to both fight it out over. They do the big ones now. But of knowledge for you all there. So next up is Ben and Jess. I want you to both fight it out over. No, I've got nervous. Jess, you're going to start. Things that make you smile.

Ben's face. Oh, oh. Hesitation! Oh my god! Oh no! We know that mine was stuttering! Guys! We flirted our was stuttering! Guys! We flirted our way to victory then.

That's the oldest trick in the book band. That's the old tactic. Oh mate, you just got played. Oh, that's our way to victory. You do it to the policeman, do it to bed. It's quite a shopping list. But you know what they say? Felt the police. It's quite a shopping list. But you know what they say?

Futter police. So, Clarke, I'm afraid. You scored a big fast zero in that round. But congratulations to Jess, would you like to carry on? Yeah. OK. Ben's beard. Oh, you're dismantling me in peace by peace.

OK, well, give you extra point for Ben's beard. Ah! Oh, you're dismantling me piece by piece! Ah! Okay, well, give it an extra point for Ben's beard. Thank you. Next... Of course, the golden envelope, something that makes you smile, is someone pointed at me and telling me that it'll kill me and all my family if I don't smile. Of course, I also have accepted kittens.

Now, it's time for our two house guests to go toe-to-toe, Caroline Jess. Your category and Caroline you're gonna start. Yes. It's things you could find in the sky. Clouds. Thumb. Birds. Airplane.

Freakgo. Freakgo. Freakgo is a superhero. Freakgo? Freakgo. Freakgo is in the sky. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco.co. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freco. Freish. Hey, never coming now. Friko, what I tell you? Leave me alone, mom. You're wearing platform shoes after flying. I am bigger. I think just has a taste.

Friko. Friko. What is? Friko. What is Friko? No one's for you to ask, you don't know. Yeah. You know what I'm saying?

A Mexican cereal. Yeah, apparently so. I really like it. Delicious Friko. Very sugary. Turns the milk to keyloarie. I think Jess gets the extra point there for the end of the round. Oh, I can reveal that my golden envelope answer was Friko.

It was Friko. It was Friko. I was going to put it in the photo. I think you could find in the sky I was looking for the fight scene from MoonRaco. It was Freco, it was Freco. It was... Bonus points to Carapagos. Things you could find in the sky, I was looking for the fight scene from Moonraker. Now... Wow! How I could predict this right? You know, you think you can predict these things?

You think you know a room? And then someone throws you Freco! Freco! Freco! Freco! Call the clock! Get out of the scam, in! Freco! Freco! Freco!, 12 o'clock! Get out of the scam, in! Freakle! Freakle! Freakle! What are you meaning to say?

Freakle, I don't know if that's a question we could ever get the answer to. I'm going to ask you to get in anyway, Caroline, when you began Freakle. That's like, BBC 4 now, isn't it? I feel like Paul Morley. Now, what do you think you were attempting? What was the... Just trying to say a word. Just trying to say a word. And you even failed at that. That alone a word that was something you'd find

in the sky freeco. It's cool. OK, so finally, it's Tom versus Ben. Oh, yoy. The age-old grudge match. We've been waiting for years. The temperature is rising because your category is things that are warm. Ben, are you feeling the heat?

Yeah, but there. Because it's your turn to start. I'm just going to say right now, Frico is off the table. Ah! I'm getting in. Oh, go on, Frico. Frico's hat.

Frico is too hot. Too hot to handle, too cold to hold. Freco. Freco. Oh, what about Freco? What about Freco? What about Freco? I'm not going to like you.

I meant to say your gun. I said Freco. You get some people's hands, man. Freco's, Freco's got a getcha. Freco's in the room. Freco like to with them, got a getcha. Freco's going to getcha. Freco's going to getcha. Freco's is getcha! Freco's in the room! Freco like to with them gonna getcha! Freco's gonna getcha! Freco's gonna getcha! Freco's gonna getcha! Freco's gonna getcha! Don't play with it on the sunshine! Don't play with it on the sunshine! Don't play with it on the good times!

Don't play with it on the good times! Don't play with it on the good times! Don't play with it on the good times! Don't play with it on the good times! Oh my god, Freco! I like that! Would you consider some kind of spin-off deal? I think so, yeah. Freaco in the man, I'm happy to do it. Yeah, why not?

Please. OK, so to... Can you remember what the game was? We were playing. Freaco. So Ben, you've got no excuse for stammering because you've had about 45 minutes to think about an answer. Fucking my brother. I tell you what, let's really go for it.

Let's see if you can get two answer. Fucking way, brother. I tell you what, let's really go for it. Let's see if you can get two answers. Things that are warm, yeah, Ben, another. This is a car bonnet after a long drive. He's a hot potato. Isn't a hot potato hot? Not warm. Yeah, he got it wrong.

A warm potato. I'm going to allow a hot potato. A warm potato. I'm also going to allow that. I thought it was hot. It's warm, I'm afraid. Warm, a radiator. A warm room.

As heated by a radiator? Yes. You're coasting on fumes, mate. Freak, I want bears. My belly in the morning. He's not wrong. My forehead. A fleek's jacket. He likes a fleek jacket. He loves a fleek. He loves a fleek. Khlarkey car resist a fleek. Freakgoers a fleek. A pillow. A gilae, a vest, a hat with ears on.

Okay. Are you gonna do a hat without ears on it a second? I hope so. Socks, sausages. That have been cooked. But left to cool for a little. Yeah, sure. Oh, I'll put pie.

The inside of a car. After a long journey, you're sailing close to the warm wind, Thomas Barry. Close to the warm wind. Ben Clark. The inside of a glove. Oh, we've not had a glove already. No. Oh, so many gloves, so little times.

Tom. A warm wind. There's a lot of hot air coming from this side. I'll say that much, Josh. Ben Clark, the inside of a high air balloon. OK, yeah, sure. Geothermal current. Yeah.

Geothermal springs. Geothermal tires. LAUGHTER I'm afraid. Freak-o! Freak-o! CHEERING I had to go freak off! Freak off! I had to go Freak on that, but that was a very, very good volley, a very strong volley. A real game of chess turned into real.

It really was. It was like Casper off versus that computer. Freak off. Freak off. So, I can reveal now that the Golden Enthalope purse, the answer I was looking for was, things that will warm my hosting style. My hosting, lovely warm hosting style. Producer Ben, at the end of that round, someone else who makes me smile is you. What are the scores? I spend a nice time with you.

So I mean you wrote into into the script, I guess. Ben and Caroline have two. Tom and Jess are three! Oh! I don't know how such a low scoring round is. But I thought you were going to score about 15 points there. Was it just around for winning the game? Ah!

Not the way I would have done it, but why not? was it just around for winning the game? Ah, for a... Not the way I would have done it, but why not? Sure. So... That warmth has cooled. That's not what we're talking about. It's really... Frosty!

Frosty now! OK, so Tom and Jess are in the lead, but of course Ben and Caroline need not create a soda over spilled milk. There's still everything that doesn't work. Um... Correct! There's still everything to play for as we flop into round two, because it is flat games. Let's play together games.

Let's play forever. Roll the dice. Spin that big. Put that down. Do you told games? If you lose you get nothing. Games. If you win you get nothing Games if you win you get gold Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go right, chill out, walk in dead. This week we are playing our version

of battleships, which we are calling twatthleships. Strong. Fun fact, this is one of our simplest games to play, but one of the most complicated to explain. And also, now producer Ben, today at a very important day, he was pitching a TV show. Ooh! But, yeah, he was pitching a real TV show to a real... Was it Flaxha Slamdown? No. He tried that three times, it's never worked. So... Was it Freco? It was...

So, obviously, if you're prepping for a big TV pitch, what do you do? Make props for Flaxha Slamdown. He's made... Twattleship Oards. Bring them out to produce a band. Look at those. Wow! Wow, for an audio podcast. Now, if you're listening to that... twattleship boards bring them out producer Ben look at those For an audio pop down now if you're listening to that tepid applause you could be part of that excitement you come down to the live recordings here at the Phoenix

Okay, so just to talk you through the grids there now the listeners at home what we've got today just basically two graves You took about mine and Clarkie's careers. Yeah. So, basically, sort of two boards, look a bit like Tombstones, and they are three by three grids. There's nine different envelopes on those grids, within which I have hidden the names of six twats. I gave people, we think, behaved in a twatish way at some point in their lives. One player picks a grid square for their teammate to unveil.

If it contains a name, the teammate must do an impersonation of that twat for their teammate to guess. If it contains a miss, then the play moves across to the opposing team to play their twattle ships board. Just so that everyone gets to... What? Yeah. Do what?

That's number one. And just so that everyone gets a chance to do an impersonation after each one, Yeah, do what that's number one and Just so that everyone gets a chance to do an impersonation after each one the team makes switch roles Does that make sense? It doesn't matter We're playing it anyway Description in a personation rather than a description. Yeah, but you can use phrases within the impersonation That might help you so I'll give I'll give points for, correct guesses, and a massive five point bonus to whichever team syncs all six twat worships first.

So I think we're going to start with Tom and Jess. Tom, you can do the first impersonation. Jess, what number on the twat worships board? So it'll be like A1 or B2 or whatever. What would you like? B3, please. B3. There it is. Here's a fun thing, Tom doesn't know how grids work.

Did you do further maths? I'm going to go to North Korea. Trump. Yeah! Very not a strong Trump impressive. He was about as manly as I've heard trump. Yeah, that was really impressive. Okay, Tom. Would you like to pick one for? No A1 What did you just call me I got a miss it's a miss I got a miss. It's a miss, I miss it.

So we brought over to Ben and to Caroline Ben. Would you like to pick one for Caroline to do? Oh no. I'll go for a B2 right in the middle. B2. Caroline, you're a impression please. I'm worried I might get arrested for doing this. Oh is it? Show a call.

No. You're fine. Erm... Oh, I'm sorry. That was a... That was a mime. Could you do it on the homeless side? I don't want it. For the listener at home, yeah, Clarke,

would you like to describe exactly what Caroline did? What I'm going to share is what I'm going to share. What I'm going to share is what I'm going to share. What I'm going say to you. She put a hand in the hair. And with the other hand, covered her first finger over a top lip. I don't wanna be like the man with the pug. Oh. Oh. You can get anything you need with Uber Eats.

Well, almost almost anything. So no, you can't get an ice rink on Uber Eats, but ice tea and ice cream. Yes, we can deliver that. Uber Eats. Get almost almost anything. cream? Yes, we can deliver that. Uber Eats! Get almost almost anything. Order now.

Product availability may vary by region. See app for details. Do you want to see what the world is really like? Yes. Four things is deliciously funny and spectacularly entertaining. A woman plotting her course to freedom. App in love for her. It's non-stop bonkers brilliance.

I love that. Four things. It's like theaters December bunkers brilliance. I love that. Poor things. It's like theaters for December 15th. Fair enough. Yeah, absolutely. Did you get it? I was doing it. Yeah, I did get it. I think you'll count down kilos. You were, in fact, hitler.

I don't hitler, yes. Very good. Okay, which means that Caroline, you could pick one for Ben to do. And Caroline, by the way, looks utterly shell-shopped to have it to a person who'd hitler. Honestly, you're never gonna be as bad at him. He's got a massive head start on you. Okay. A3.

A3. My favorite paper site. Okay. That's a good one. Hold the... I'm so bad with accents. YARGH! No!

No! I love vodka and riding on bears! Oh, it's bad for me, please! It's bad for me, but the music is very nice! Play another one then, please. I get to another brilliant... No, but it's not one. See one, please, see one.

See one, there it is. Turn if you want to. Oh, that's very strong. Margaret Thatcher. Yes! Oh, fancy. Can we hear the rest of it? Oh, no.

Okay. Worth an ask. Okay, which means a clarky, pure diamond. Caroline, you're gonna choose a one Well, I think this about a lot of things Oh, we're talking about tats. I think it's about a lot of things, and I'm going to write a column about it, and what's, I've lost my job,

so now I'm going to have some more opinions. No one's going to like, and it's like, I'm dying, I'm certain. Katie, is she called Katie? Yeah. It's Katie. I'm going to have to push it for wrong. It's not Katie's. But have to push it for slightly more frog. It's not Katie's frog, but it's close because frogs spawn.

Katie's spawn. Katie should be called Katie Frogs Boat. Katie hurt worthy. No, I will steal. I think you've got potty hotkins. Who's potty hotkins? It's potty hotkins. It was indeedothy hotkins? It's frothy hotkins. It was indeed frothy hotkins.

I think we can't quite give it to you, so we have to throw over now to Tom and Jess Gray. Who did the last impression? It was. So, if I go for C2? I, I wear my jeans really high and no loads about cars. Punch the producer! Hey!

Jeremy Clarkson! Jeremy Clarkson! Hey! Okay, would you pick one for Tom, please? C3, please. C3. Um... Oh God, I'm a shit!

Is it frotothy hookings? Oh God, I mean I'm trying to deliver something I don't believe in at the cost of something great. Is it Theresa May? It's Theresa May, yes. Very strong, another one from Utah. A3, please. A3. It's a resume. Yes, very strong another one from Utah a three please three It's been up all day

I'll get you my pretty Your little doctor Oh wicked which of the west yes, and a very strong yes Has a very strong yes very That is a very strong edition of that. It's giving me that man because we had Theresa May I would have guessed that Would you guess one for tories are you be one please be one? LAUGHTER LAUGHTER LAUGHTER LAUGHTER LAUGHTER

Big Ben Big Ben's a notorious match I'm the big Ben with a massive dome or Darth Vader Who's Darth Vader? Yes he was not bad How the fuck did you get that? Well done Oh your power!

Okay, another one please. A2 please. Oh, okay. Right, here we go. Oh. Any ideas Tom? Who Robin Hood is a dickhead? Oh, I don't know why I got this one.

Yeah, that was the sheriff of Nottingham. Yeah. That is Twattleships. Oh, that's what I was using. Oh! Thanks. So, producer Ben, at the end of that round, what are the scores?

And if you weren't mind doing it as Darth Vader Then and Caroline have five points time and Jess have 14 points That's gonna take some chlorine back Well our contestants have all done some fantastic impressions or at least some of them have but what impression will they make in the merciless court of beef brothers Yes, it's before this where each week we ask our panelists to sort out a flat share based beef and this one comes from Andy who is in the audience. Hello Andy. Hello Andy, right I'm going to read out Andy's problem. My wife. Uh oh.

Doesn't start well. Doesn't start well. But you know Borat made a career out of it. So my wife hides all my contact lenses and is from Stoke. Oh. Which makes it worse. It does. Now in a rare break from form, we've actually got two beef brothers.

What? Yeah, two beef brothers this month. We've got Isara there. Isara. Oh! Really sad. Next to Andy. Isara, can you grab the mic off Andy for a second?

Hi. Hi, Sarah. How are you? Apparently not good. Well, I'm so stoked. I'm so stoked. Because you. Because you've also submitted a beef brothers here. My husband, slash flatmate, leaves his spent contact lenses all over the house. Oh, hello.

It's beyond annoying. I had a bath today and one was on my shoulder. Look it back over my shoulder. I can see, I can't see the look in your eye. I couldn't see out of my shoulder. One was on my shoulder and he tried to put it in my eye. Oh, you tried to put it in your eye. Sorry, you tried to put it in your eye. I worked on text too, so I presumed it was in my eye. The one in your shoulder was one for your eye.

OK, it happens to think of you your shoulder was one for your eye. I happen to think if you find a contact lens on your arm... That's lucky. Don't just... It's the old man that you will in the eye and then see the contact lens pick it up, put it in your eye. Your eye size is fucked. It's the old... It's the old motor.

That's the way it goes. Okay, so Ben and Caroline, you are on Andy's side. Absolutely, happy to have him. Thomas Jess, you are on Sarah's side. That's me, Ryan. and Caroline you are on Andy's side absolutely happy Thomas Jess you are on Sarah's side Run of course we are now before we begin. Let's have a quick cross-examination Does anyone have any questions for either Sarah or Andy any questions for Andy first of all? Yes, how long have you two been buried over 10 years over 10 years? Oh my god, and how long has your Husband sir if I can call in that?

Has he been wearing contact lenses all that time all that time But the disposable ones are a new thing. Oh Did you have disposable lenses? Yeah, but mine a month less than his a daily. Oh, God He went from month. Yeah, I take them out. I'm not okay fair enough fair enough I was gonna say it's I'm take them out. I'm not. Okay, fair enough. Fair enough. I was going to say that. I'm from Stoper. I'm not like that. I'm like, case? Um, um, apparently not.

How long is your site? It's pretty bad actually. I need the contact lenses to see. Oh you need them! Oh you need them! Andy, we're over here. We're over here mate. Great joke if you're listening to our home.

Is there any more contact questions? Do you get contacts that are not disposable? Yeah, I wear those as well. What? For both of them at the same time, I can see through time, basically. Are you addicted to contact lenses, aren't you? Yeah, basically. Mind about face it.

But boot. And sometimes I wake up and there's like a week's worth gone, and they just disappear. So Sarah. Sarah. Sarah. And I'm going to pop on H on the end. So are you hiding his contact lenses?

If so, why? I don't need to, he just boy-locks for them, so if they're not on his person, he can't find them. Right, so unless they're not in the immediate peripheral vision, which by the way is not really... Right, and it's not a lot of space to look at, but he does a very sort of a functary search around the. If you can't find him immediately, he blames you. Yeah.

That's very key. So I'm going to call upon Caroline Mayby. Now, hopefully you've got enough information from Sarah and from Andy to make your case. So I'm going to call now upon Caroline Mayby your minute begins now. Okay, my minute's just begun. So I'm going to... You did wisely. Pack it with stuff, pertaining to the case. Andy, I'm the best lawyer you're ever lighting to get. Sorry about that.

So, what's this guy up to? He's the guy who holds the microphone, it's fine. Okay, alright. Andy and lovely Sarah. So you've used 30 seconds already. I'm not going to... You may have to slightly pick up the pace because you have a mere 25 seconds left.

Right, okay. He's disabled, you're controlling him. Get over it. Is that a... When I said pick up the pace, I mean it's slightly more than... We've got 15 seconds left. Um, stop abusing this poor chap. Look at me, he's got no hair.

He's got no hair. Five seconds. He can't see anything. He's basically helpless, like a baby. I can't stop, stop right there. That's your last promise. He's got no hair. He can't see anything. He's helpless like a baby. I can stop, stop right there, that's your back of the list. He's got no hair. He can't see anything. He's helped us like a baby.

You've described Tom, me, and Ben. That's not... LAUGHTER That's not Andy. LAUGHTER Jess, you've got a minute now to begin your case for the defence. Now remember, you are on the side of... There, yes. ..of course. Justice.

Your minute begins now. Well, I think you don't know how lucky you are. You can't see the wonderful woman in front of you. And I think you really need to sort your shit out, okay? Can you go to the toilet in the middle of the night? Do you switch the light on when you go to the toilet? If not, then I can't remember where I was going. Yeah, I was going to say, I was going to say, I was going to say,

it was a huge joke. Sorry, this is a different case where I can't remember sometimes, but we've got to bring caught some more. How's your balance? That was your balance. Function, okay, you can't see in the day, so you can see at the night. I just thought, you know, when you go to the toilet in the night, right, you don't turn the light on because you don't... Is she do?

No, you don't because I don't awake yourself up. Anyway, so you store this all over again. I hate you. 10 seconds left. I just think it would be better if you were a nice person. Just stop being a dick. That is your time. Thank you.

Well, there we go, Jess. That was good. Thank you. Now, this juncture, I normally ask how the audience think it's going so far. Andy, how do you think it's going so far? Badly. Yeah.

Stick around. Sarah, how about you? All right. OK, enough rates. OK, yeah about you? All right. Okay, fair enough, great. Okay, yeah, it's not going terribly for you. For the second case for the prosecutors, we have Ben. Hello. You know who signed your own?

I do, Andy. Correct. Yes, mate. First of all, I'd like to call my eye witness. Oh! That's a lovely beard of business that isn't really a joke. But it kind of matches up. Well, look, basically, it's pretty simple.

He can't see, and you can. So in this co-dependent relationship, you're the one that should be helping out our boy Andy here with his disposable contact lenses. You already have two of them. You had your turn Sarah. Basically if you see a contact lens don't pick it up. We should rename them non contact lenses.

And I witnessed it. Thank you, Mr. Very, very good. Very, very good. I've pressed my case. I know you're... And I apologise, Sarah, but Clark, he was making his case, but you've got a couple of other kids.

Is that what you're trying to say? You've got a couple of other kids that you don't want to look after Andy. Why did you marry your son? I think he made it for a different trial. For a very special episode of Beef Brothers. So Tom, all that remains is for you to conclude the case for the expense. Now, I'm assuming you're going to do it as yourself. No, no, no, I'm going to do it in the style of a deep,

south defense lawyer from a John Grisham novel. In a break from four. Yeah, Mr. Fanchor Standard. Fanchor Standard. Preciting and providing your minutes should you need opinions now. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury. He'll, Fanchor Standard here, providing and presiding.

Hell I've been sitting here, digesting lunch, watching you guys chew over them, damn big words. The damn lawyers from the city have been throwing at you. You're still digesting lunch. You're still digesting lunch. Hell yes. How do you talk at night man? It was a big lunch.

Busy times. Chicken factory. I'm not saying no more. You got to try to talk to them. We've all had to run. Just a chicken factory. A lot of big here words he had talking about, damn, damn. I can't say no more. You got to try to fight for him. You got to try to fight for him. You got to try to fight for him.

You got to try to fight for him. You got to try to fight for him. You got to try to fight for him. You got to try to fight for him. You got to try to fight for him. You got to try to fight for him. You got to try to fight for him. You got to try to fight for him.

You got to try to fight for him. You got to try to fight for him. You got to try to fight for him. You got to try to fight for him. You got to try to fight for him. You got to try to fight for him. You got to try to fight for him. You got to try to fight for him.

You got to try to fight for him. You got to try to fight for him. You got to try to fight for him. You got to try to fight for him. You got to try to fight for him. You of John that's right John there. You may remember him ran the bridge over the creek Came into the town there Want some of that bridge to go up both come in both go out easy come easy go Jimmy Loha Jimmy R raise wants a month tidy like Drive my pigs to the markets month

Big letter comes in then from them their big city you probably remember the day Needle to the fence bridge goes up once a day Remember the day, Nail it to the fence. Bridge goes up once a day. Oh, Jim there rubbing his eyes. You never seen the likes, seven children. Month goes by, bridge goes up, bridge goes down, bridge comes up. Bolt comes in, pigs go up. Bolt goes down, pigs go down, Jim goes down, we ain't from change round here.

You ask Jim's wither, you ask the pigs wither, You asked the bridge, winner. Best bar in town. The first wrist, your honor. Thanks, your standing, everybody. What was amazing about it was that no one understood what it was about, but we're all deeply moved. Yeah, deeply moved by the story there.

The bridge going up and going down, those poor pigs. So obviously I can't make the decision myself as I'm just tired. So instead I'm going to allow our live finance audience to make the call. So if you think Caroline and Ben and therefore Andy is in the right, I would like you to applaud now. I'm not least pretend. Not looking great.

Now, if you think Sarah is in the right, and that would be Jess, and of course, Fanshore Standon, applaud now. Woo! And all for a bit. No questions, you want. No further questions. Sarah, congratulations.

Do you think Justice has been done? Definitely. Andy, how you feel about the whole affair? I accept the verdict. Sarah, congratulations. Do you think Joss has been done? Definitely. Andy, how you feel about the whole affair? I accept the verdict. Oh, good, good man. Very good. Boy some glasses. Yes, some specs. Where in the bath?

Do you turn the light on? Never. You don't? No. Next up is the quick fire round. No, most shows we ramp up the tension at this point, but not us. That's right, we don't play by your rules, fuck you, the man. No, instead, let's float down the lazy river that is the quick fire jingle. Off we go!

This is the quick fire round. It's the round that goes really quickly, but it's hard to give it a quick introduction when you've got a hangover. Why come to those bits? We've both got a hangover I feel rotten mate We should be getting

Straight into the quickfire round But I've got Fuuur fur on my teeth. We've been away on a stack-do, and we're both feeling the after effects I've got the shit's me To all for the shit Cause we drank 12 pints of ale And then some rum But let's not think about that

Now let's get back to it Ah Here it comes Get back to it Here it comes It's time to do the quick fire round and then we can just go for a bath Please not together Okay, well then have a nice time, everyone. Drink responsibly or don't drink at all. Just have a nice chat instead and answer the questions as we play this quick fire Oh, nice!

Poor, loves you, but are now on the road to recovery. Good, you seem cheaper. So the quick far round is all about taking a fence. In it, I'm going to ask you a whole... Even the mention of the word round is giving me a flashback to the stack. There were so many rounds and so many drinking rules.

Clark even accidentally put ten pence in his eye pint and had to see it all. It was very upsetting for me. Clark, he's come back with a whole new reputation of being an alcoholic. Anyway, let's not dwell on the state of our livers. We're off to experience the hair of the dog, And you can all enjoy instead the quick fire round. Hello, working! That's the garlic guitar! So this quick fire round is all about taking offense.

In it, I'm going to ask questions whose answers begin with an F and E and N, a C or another E. And I'm going to give points for every correct answer. But a bonus, ten points for the first team to collect an F and E and N, a C and another E. That's spilling the word fence. In case you haven't, I mean if you've worked it out right, you're smart, crowd. Instead of buzzers, if you think you have the right answer shout out your first name, Tom and Jess, let's hear that now. Tom. Jess! Jess!

I knew you said freak out. Tom and Jess, let's hear that now. Tom! Jess! Yes! I knew you said freakus. Caroline. Caroline. Ben. Lovely start. We will start. We will start now.

With the first question, remember you've got to shout your name out first. Caroline! Name a pop star beginning with F. Jess! Tom. Freddie Mercury. Freddie Mercury, I accept it. Yeah, you've got an F. Name a country beginning with E.

I can Caroline! I'm afraid it was Tom because you shouted I can Caroline. Tom. I could. Sure. It's not as good as the country I have. What were you going to go for? Eritrea.

Oh, no. No, the point. It's a pointless answer. I'm going to... And... Name the food beginning with N. Raffy. Oofs. Do you say, do you say Betty?

Tom. I said, Raffy, that's what dogs say. And you try to take your own dog snake. Your dog snake is Raffy. Raffy. Raffy. So you're shouting out your dog's name. Is your dog here to answer the question? It's so hard for me.

Caroline, I mean there's so many fucking rules. Caroline, I would say you see the dream of winning the show. Just let it die. I am bending over backwards to help you out here, but if you're going to shout your own dog's name out, instead of your own, then one of my supposed to do mate, Rover, I'm in Tom, and they're in the food beginning with Nuts. Nuts I will accept. They're in a place in the UK beginning with C. Caroline.

So I got this thing. Benish has that seat. I said, how is this complicated? You shout your name out. It's so hard. Caroline said her name. So Caroline, this is going to take so long by the way. I thought it would be fun. I'll tell you the answer. Okay. Cheltenham. Cheltenham, I'm gonna accept, yeah. That is the sound of an audience delighted, though. One letter closer to going home. Name a household object, pick it in the top. EG time.

EG time, I'm gonna accept. By the way, what I love is, Tom is playing so seriously now. You are really not seeing fun Tom right now. You are not seeing Tom we want Tom. You were seeing Tommy want home. Name a film beginning with that. I think sorry, Cal I was just there ahead. Freaky Friday. Freaky Friday.

Freaky Friday. Freaky Friday. It all paid off. It's done with freak. It's worked out for you. Name a song beginning with these. Yes. Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, Ehh, E're full, yeah, lovely. Missy-ee. Who didn't say how to meet? Oh, what a strong musical, Billy L. Hiss. Nobody liked that answer. No one enjoyed it.

Um, name something you'd find in a hardware store, beginning with N. Caroline. Caroline. A Holocaust. No, not a Holocaust store. Oh, my God. Tom. A hardware store.

Beginning with what? With N. N. Um, not as in that symbol. Not symbol, I'm going to accept it. Name of sandwich. I know, I know. I know, I know.

It's really upset by this song. OK, go on. Cheese and pickles. That's a question. It was a sandwich filling. It was a sandwich filling. We've got fence, anyway. Yeah.

Oh, you've got fence. Oh, he was that. Do you know why you enjoyed about that? How much fontan made it? LAUGHTER Because, you know what, enjoyed about that? How much fun Tom made it? LAUGHTER Because, you know what, this could have been a real slog. And actually, by nukkling down and not enjoying all the fun of it, we had to add more fun, weirdly.

OK, congratulations to Tom and Jess who won that round. What does that do? And all the other round. And all the other round. What does that do to the school makes me feel very sad? The scores are really really close Bowen Caroline have seven Tom and Jess have 30 So Ben and Caroline have to paint the fence with Kriasote and

So Ben and Caroline have to paint the fence with Kriasot and Tom and Jess get to paint the town red with me thanks to our guest Caroline maybe in Jess Robinson We have been happy to see you next time on Flashest Happy Flashest Fandile region Matthew Cosby, Ben Clark and Tom Perry with special guest, Jess Robinson and Caroline Mamie. It was advised by Pasha, the producer, Ben Walker. Big thanks everybody who came down to see the recording. So there could be people in the Phoenix in London to do the right thing. But I'd like to always talk to British company guy, and to win Reese Davies. And mostly Tom's are helping out. I'm his flat-chest family,

and that's a plus product of the British company guy in the internet. Cheers to your own buy! CHEERING Do you want to see what the world is really like? Yes. Yeah! 15th.