Pappy's Flatshare - Slamdown w/ Geoff Lloyd & Sara Barron (Turn back the clocks) S10E09

Episode Date: March 3, 2020

Neither “Tom!” nor “Ben!” want to turn back the clocks… so Matthew says we’re gonna have to have a Flatshare Slamdown!With Sara Barron and Geoff LloydFeatures: Filth wars, keyrings and Snow Patrol, and sharkingSara Barron - https://twitter.com/sarabarronGeoff Lloyd - https://twitter.com/GeoffLloydPappy’s - https://twitter.com/pappystweetSupport us on Patreon - https://www.patreon.com/pappysflatshare Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Do you want to see what the world is really like? Yes. Four things is deliciously funny and spectacularly entertaining. A woman planting her course to free to pat in love for. It's non-stop bonkers brilliance. I love that. Four things. It's like theaters December 15th.

Greetings, Lysardia! Pinch, punch! First of the month? Third of the month. Third of the month. Third of the month.E.R.Pinch punch. First of the month. Third of the month. Third of the month. Third of the month. Third of the month. Yeah. I'm Tom. I'm Matthew. And I'm Ben, I'm sorry, I just had a little bit. That's okay, that's okay.

It's the third of the month. If the third of the month you're allowed to, I'm sorry. But for a bit. Try January's over. In itself, about a burp out. Get it out. So the start of the month can mean only one thing in his time, foray. Flashes, slam, no.

We're in the flesh. Flashes, slam, no. I was like, let's just think of the other thing. Just thinking like the lyrics really made me laugh. Did I? So you know what? I mean, you wrote them and recorded them. So it's the bit where I say,

so we're gonna slam it down. Yeah. It's like, what does that even mean? I think the best, let's not pull it that thread. Yeah. It was a long time ago we did that jingl. Yeah, it was nine years ago now. We were in a flat, yeah.

And we share it with our mates. Yeah, that's so we're gonna slam it down. Of course, we're gonna slam it down. What else would you do if you share a flat, we amaze? It's a thing of you, me. I think it's got to, because we've got to, so we've got to slam it down. Which is like even more, it's like, it's classic, isn't it?

Is it got to slam it down? Oh, it's got to slam it down. Is it gotter or gone? We'd love to know, so please do get in touch. Well, anyway, you'll be able to find out when you listen to this episode with two brilliant guests, a flat slam first this time round. Oh, yes.

It's our first time we ever had a married couple. I wasn't sure. So the first time it was any good. Well, I won't go that far. Yeah, it was a fun episode. We had Jeff Lloyd and Sarah Barron, who were absolutely brilliant. Oh, yeah. I don't mean, I've not heard the edit, but quite a lot of spicy things got said.

This was a naughty cork, yeah. Oh, yeah. It was a naughty cork. It was an absolute naughty corka, yeah. So if you've got kids around, then warm them and then crank it up. Warm, yeah. Well, don't warm them and crank it down. Yeah, I mean, you gotta slam it down, guys.

You gotta slam it down, guys. We gotta slam it down and you gotta slam it down. Guys, there's two things we request of you. First, do that you're fair in 2020. And secondly, you gotta slam it down. You gotta And secondly, you've got to slam it down. You've got to slam it down. Or you've got to slam it down. Either way, we'll take it.

We've got a few more flat share slam down live recordings coming up. Because we've got to. Because we've got to slam them down. We've got to slam them down. We don't make the rules. We just, we are fortunate. We just say back it. We've got to slam them down. We set ourselves a precedent in 2011 that we've got to slam it down.

So we've got a couple coming up. So if you get in quick, I don't know, this might have sold out already, but March the 10th we have got one at the Phoenix with Matt Lucas and Jenny B. Very special guest. Very special guest. That should be good fun. Get your tickets from tickettext.co.com. Let me check that ticket. Because we got a co-ocom. It's tickettext.co.uk. We also have one on Wednesday 8th of April and so far the only guest of April. April Fools Day. April Fools Day. April Fools Day. April Fools Day. April Fools Day.

Ony Jokin. Oh, do you swear? That's how you do that's how you do April Fools Day, isn't it? Yeah. Every other day is April Fools Day. That's right. That's how he sums it down. He's got to slam it down. I'm not a slamming guy. I'm not a bloody human. We've got Joe Wilkinson booked for that one, so that should be good fun. Oh boy, oh boy.

You don't even know what you're going to get when you booked Joe Wilkinson. It's certainly though. Yeah, I mean he has promised that he will not get as drunk as he got last time. But I think it's okay to get that drunk. It's just not starting that drunk. He did a right of hammered. By the way, Benny, it's not okay. I like it. We've been meaning to tell you that. I'm sorry, guys.

Is that okay for the eighth? There's also one on the seventh of March. There's also one on the 12th of May. But go to our Twitter, because we always have them pinned to our profiles. So, absolutely. Enjoy that. Go to our Patreon and become a friend of the show.

That's right. And you cannot do this without your support. You get a bonus episode every Thursday dropping into your or our SS feed. We are guaranteeing you that we will slam those down. Guys, RSS feed. We are going to team you that we will slam those down. Guys, you know what? We are gonna slam them down.

We're gonna slam them down. We're gonna slam them down. And we're gonna slam them down. And also, Pop Twatching's a leave review for you. Enjoy the show. Otherwise, let's get into it. And you can tell us at the end

whether it's gotter or goneter. Here we go. Tom, then! What is it, Matthew? What is it, my little prince? Oh, the... You are our little prince, Matthew. Thank you so much, and I hope you're talking about, like, not either the guy who's dead, the purple prince.

The purple prince is another thing for me. Or the guy who can't sweat. Yeah, fair enough, no, no, no. But you know what, I'll be a little prince for you. That's something happy with that. But only if one of you two will turn the clocks back. Whoa! Yeah, you've got to turn the clocks back in the kitchen. Got to do the oven.

You've got to do the car one. Well, it's not going to be me. Why not? Well, the other last time someone said to me, clocks go back tonight, 1am. I was? Well, the last time someone said to me, clocks go back tonight, 1am. I was like, you sure? They were like, yeah, clocks go back tonight, 1am.

So there it was, outside August, clutching my receipt and my DAB. Did I get a refund? Did I hell? What about you, Clarky? Well, I just think they like savings. It's just bullshit. You know, like, so far I've saved an hour, a year,

for the last 38 years. But if I go to a bank to try and withdraw it, suddenly I'm the fucking idiot! They like savings. They like robbery more like. Oh! Oh! Oh! Yay!

They've been a hawker on that one, that one, that one. It was worth it. Don't worry, don't worry. Don't worry over the line. Was it either under the line or under the line, whatever you have to do in that sport, which I don't know about? Well, there's anyone with a cell,, we're gonna have to have a... Flashes!

Flashes! Flashes! Flashes! Flashes! Flashes! Flashes! Flashes! Flashes!

Flashes! Flashes! I know we're walking a flash-ass land down, the panel show that says, D- let's keep it dealing, thieves, a keeper-thieving, or's a keeper-horaring junkies, keep scoring Trade is on the meat rack, strip, jock fuller, hutchbacks Bitches, keep a bitch in, cramp just keeps it in Ain't no use in praying, that's the way it's staying, baby

Johnny ain't so crazy, he's always got a line for the ladies Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, sit your clocks back Sit your clocks back honey take them down now turn the hands back round Sit your clocks back sit your clocks back honey take them down now turn the hands back round others not about you cross me Follow my rules lock and roll that's a hello to my teneties, Tom Perry and Ben Clark. Hi! Now, obviously, you can't reset the clocks yourself. Who have you brought to turn back the time this week?

Ben. Well, I have bought my Agony Aunt. It's Sarah Barrett! Sarah Barrett is here. You're having me. Now, Sarah, I'm going to ask you a question in a second, but I think it's better that Tom intros the next guest, and then I'm going to ask you both questions. Interesting.

That's OK. Who have you brought with you this week? Well, ladies and gentlemen, the Jamboree was in danger. Oh, no. Yes, as you know, we survey everyone who attends the Jamboree. And we had the most miserable attendees of all the jamborees. It kind of fundamentally flies in the face of what a jamboree is for.

So we're out to consult an expert on reasons to be cheerful. And the person who decided to consult was Mr. Jeff Lai. Come on, everybody. This is here. Woo. Welcome, Jeff. Welcome, Sarah. Now, the way this story works is I'll ask each individual what kind of a flatmate they are.

Let's flip the script because you're a married couple. Sarah, what is Jeff like to live with? Well, I think that you know about yourself that he's a slab. Like that's part of your deal, that he's a slab. But you're saying this like it's his his brand. It's sort of because I think it's sort of it's it's like a lot of a thing that we talk about a lot is what an epic like Sarah There's a woman named Sarah in front of your who was talking about her husband taking contacts out of his eyes Yes, and everyone in this the audience rightfully Maman's sir was like oh discuss how and I was like tip of the iceberg what my asshole has to offer right like And I was like tip of the iceberg what my asshole has to offer right like So when you refer to your asshole, I mean my husband. Yeah

I have three because we also have a child but Like it would I would be so delighted if the biggest problem that I had with his personal, was that he was just taken context out of his... This is not only public, but I'm not. I'm a... I see you. So, but, he's also, but I like to talk a lot. I have a lot of things I want to be like, I'm gonna talk.

And I think that you'd really... Physician Neil by self, Mary. So he's negative column. So sloppy it would make your eyes water. Positive column, positive column. Very important that we have a... Yeah, we've got to have a positive... Oh, good listener and responder.

Like that's an important thing in a flatmate I think, that you feel like if you want to be like... Well, Clark is on down there. He doesn't know what you do. To be honest, not much of a listener or a responder. Of course. And... So, Jeff, I assumed you listened to that.

I did, and... And, you know, I don't think it's entirely unfair, but I think there are huge portions of information missing. Let's have a little bit of a right to apply to gold. So, so, what she left out is... So So Sarah would refer to me as a slob, and Sarah is fastidiously tidy. When we moved into our current house, you've got hundreds of books,

and they were out of the boxes and the alphabetized by author within three hours of us moving in, whereas I typically would live out of boxes for six months after moving in somewhere. And you're very, you know, you always washing up, you know, you like tiding us. However, you're fucking pig as well. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Okay. The glasses are off. So, sorry, you're flat, you know, we've now moved into it. Yes, this flat, you're in right now Yes, I'd like to think about the distance from where we are sitting now

You Get off you hot thing the one thing. Right. Do the one thing. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Don't do the one thing.

You can do another thing, but don't do the one thing. I've got to cut. I'm quite terrified of the retaliation. So, don't do the one thing, but you can do another thing. Like the other weird stuff for my old flat, you can do that, but don't do the one thing that you might be going to do that. I was sure you wouldn't do it.

Oh, I'm not going to do it. See that there? Well, I won't do the one thing. I won't do the one thing. I will not. No, no, no, I'm not going to do that there. Well, you won't dare. I won't do the one thing. I won't do the one thing. I will not. No, no, no, I'm not going to do it. I'm sorry.

My marriage is more important to me than your approval. I'm not going to do the thing. You know, if you want to take the pieces of information, the distance from here to the toilet, and an amount of lasing us that might go up, somebody not to be able to make that distance. Music a variety of receptacles. You, you, I'm not doing that there.

I am not, no. You are joining up a number of disparate things in your mind. That wasn't the one thing. That wasn't the one thing, but in your old flat. So when I met Sarah, when we were cool to, who? That is how terrified I was. That is a nervous man. When we were caught, Sarah lived in New York and I don't know how much time you spent

over that. Oh my god, she went all the way to New York. That's a toilet to live where away. One thing or would the two thing, are we? Well, this is the point. The plumbing was very bad. That's a toilet to like wear away. One thing or would the two thing, are we? But you... Well, this is the point. The plumbing was very bad. It, as it often is in those New York apartments. So, when unable to flush, which was with some regularity,

so you take a carrier bag, plunge her hand into the toilet, a bit like a pooper scooper, and then turn it inside out, tie a knot in it, and because she lived on a third floor walk-up, you then and then turn it inside out, tie a knot in it and because you lived on a third floor walk up you then instead of taking it down to the big you left it out on the fire escape until the next time you were going down to the street level. Now Sarah also used to do it. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Yeah, when we get the positive column because he's I take a short sash over the positives for like 10 seconds maybe

Yeah, just a little one nice thing about you know a hair I have bad hair I think you know if you didn't talk about your hair we'd have a lot more silence in our We didn't talk about your hair. We don't have a lot more silence in our career. That is 80% of what we're talking about. That's a big thing. It used to be close to the 90s then we had a child. But Sarah, Sarah, Sarah, you used to teach these sort of adult literacy classes.

I mean, I don't know what was going on. Sarah used to teach night classes in her apartment, I believe, with the whole thing was a very strange setup. But people would go out onto that fire escape to smoke. And somebody in high heels. Oh, yeah. I just did a cool facial expression for your listener. Would you like to...

No, I don't want to talk about it. No. What are you talking about? Is it pants here? No, it's not a thing. I genuinely don't even know what people are even thinking. I don't, I don't, because I didn't say the one thing. I just said a number of disparate things

that they put together in some order in their minds. I'm imagining sort of elaborate top-aware arrangement. No. OK. So you might later drink a cup of tea out of. That's not true, OK? We've extrapolated so far from something that happened one time. I'd like to move.

OK. Yeah, OK. Let's move on. My nose is running from stress. It's bad a new thing. It's like a new thing. It's like a stress cold. Well, we've met our contestants. Sposive stuff. If you do have a cold, do you want to blow your nose in this mug? We met our contestants. That was it. Sposive Star Wars. We have it.

If you do have a cold, you want to blow your nose in this mug, and I'll take it. Let's find out who has time on their side. As we play, round one. Whoa. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Yeah! There's an extra, I would gain more notes Where we get it isn't one or two ways, there's an extra I would gain, but everyone can do the barbecue

There's actually heaven here We're out on the town, but we're shutting down It's closing time, they think They forgot the fact that the clock's going back We're out on the town but we're shutting down It's closing time they think They forgot the fact that the clock's going back Does it mean we get one more drink? It's confusing to me Don't you see, yeah, I told you what to do

Because she's free and I'm still here It's not free yet, oh no It's something to do with one more too Oh no, no'm no, it's something I do in world war two I'm no, no, no, no, no, the other clock is rolling again, again, again, again The other clock is rolling again, again, again, hey, hey, hey, hey Wow, we, there we go, so... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Congratulations to Perry.

I think that's in your range. Thank you. Yes. It's absolutely there. That was the first half of that I feel like people got into the jingle during the second half. The first half of that people were just nervously watching Sarah and Jeff.

I know. Yeah, he was trying so hard for I can't tell. There's another like on tape. And at one point I sort of looked at Jeff and looked at Sarah as if to be like, does that count as I contacted by, if I do the whole thing? LAUGHTER You're holding both her hands.

I'm just... We've got three more rounds, guys. So this is round one, and it is called Time Boiler. And the rules are very simple. You have to pick a topic out of one to on Boiler and a number out of the other, then you have to, without using a timing device of any kind, talk about that topic for that number of seconds. If you get it bang on, I'll give you five points, if you get it close, let's say five seconds either way, I'll give you slightly less than five points. If you go

significantly under or over, I will deduct points. I don't want to do that, but I will. Don't make me, but I'm gonna. 31. Oh, it's a steeper. You have got 31 seconds to talk on the topic of regrets and your time. You've had a few, but then two feet of mention. You've got 31 seconds and your time starts now. I'm a firm believer in facing forwards, not just as I drive, but also in life. I think

sometimes you can look back on things too often and think, I could have done that better, but then therein does not lie happiness. I think regret is something that's not gonna help you go to sleep at night, so let's just face forwards and be happy. 26 seconds. Oh! Oh! Oh!

That's pretty good. Oh. It's pretty good. Oh! Oh! Yeah. Long that you thought, isn't it? How we play? 26 seconds, that means you were five away,

which means I'm going to give you one point. One point. I'm so sorry, tough but fair. What about for the message? Oh, for the message, I wasn't listening. Do you regret that? You know what, I do. So you made a great point. Maybe that's You know what I do. So you made a great...

Maybe that's the point. Three points. So there we go. Three points there. Okay, sorry. Sarah, you're up next. If you'd like to take a number there. So you're going to be talking for how many seconds please?

No, yeah, yeah, 38. 38. Oh, it's a biggie. That is a spicy meat. On a scary moment. And your time starts now. Okay, so I got onto a really crowded London bus and there was this little kid, and I say little kid,

but it was probably like a tween, like it was maybe 12 or 13, and he was really crowded and he was using his bag on a seat. And I, so I asked him to move it and he gave me attitude about it. And then it's why I could tell that he was a bad kid. So then when another seat opened up, I moved and then he put his, he immediately got his bag and put it back on.

And then as the bus stop is you're in busier, he intentionally pretended to sleep on his back. And then I, and then an old person came on and needed to sit down and I was like, listen, no, I confronted him, which I would never have done. And I knew he was going to say something to me. And I got so filled with fear, like as we parted ways and I was like, please don't let it be about how I'm older ugly. I'm a bad feminist, but let it just not be just don't sit, I'm old, don't sit, I'm ugly, don't sit, I'm old, don't sit, I'm ugly. And then when he finally left, he looked at me and he went slut and I went

One minute two seconds Oh my god what an asshole I mean barking out so I'm gonna give you five points for the story. But, oh, what are we, we won't assume anyone would go over by that much. I mean, I want real penalty because I'm humiliating. Okay, what are we? Don't go easy on me, really hurt me. I'm not married to you, mate.

LAUGHTER I'm going to knock off 20 points. Thank you. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. You're going to be a bad boy. You're a pro at this. We're going to get that.

OK, so that means you're currently on minus 15. So congratulations. Oh, dude. OK, it's one of our better starts to mix. Next up, Jeff, would you like to take a time out of the Tombola please? Congratulations. Oh, okay. It's one of our better starts to mix. Next up, Jeff, would you like to take a time out of the Tombola please? I'm feeling done with some pressure to be good at this,

which I don't think it will be because... It's quite a hard game. And also having, like, yourself, I know this is how you play, but for such a lovely, lovely flat, you do some radio work. That's correct. Who you spin the plat as that matter on Radio 10 of a wheel of steel. Yeah, yeah. And so I've done a bit of that myself.

You have indeed. And a lot of that is talking over the intros of the records. And you're supposed to say, hey, it's Monday morning. And coming up, you can win a key ring. And right now, it's snow patrol. And you're supposed to stop. And the first radio station ever won. Oh, yeah. And here is's snow patrol, and you're supposed to stop it. We're just reading the text. Oh yeah.

And there is a snow patrol. And that's the moment you stop is when you're supposed to, the singing is supposed to start. So I feel that I should have an instinctive... Would you like me to sing chasing cars? It might come in today. I mean, I wouldn't like it, but it might come in early. How many seconds we talk about?

I have 23 seconds. 23 many seconds we talk about? I have 23 seconds. 23 seconds, to talk about when I grow up starting now. So when I grow up, I am hoping to retreat as much as possible from human interaction. I think it's something I'm very poor at. I, you know, even now. I think this is an essence, a monologue, I'm feeling that. People are turning against me.

I'm perceiving a lot of hostility from people in the room. And the 23 seconds can't end quickly enough for me. 28 seconds. Oh! It's in the 5 second ringer. Yeah, again. If you haven't added that for me, as well. Yeah, yeah.

You want to be me, yes. So that is, I'm going to give you, I think, two points for the talk. That's overly generous. That is overly generous. But one point for getting within the 5 seconds. So that's pretty good. I'll take that. That's pretty good. All right, Clarky.

12. 12. Wow. OK, verse of Alicia. OK, here we go. 12. I'll be himself. Burs of Ali.

Oh, you take that. OK, so you have 12 seconds. Thank God he's so short. It's wonderful, isn't it? It'd be unbearable if he was tall. Absolutely, I'm like a little prince. So, 12 seconds to talk on the topic of childhood starting now. Well, my childhood was really rather short lives.

Eight seconds. No! Eight seconds, but I also, I didn't want to be in the cityway I'd die. The dramatic. Yeah, the karate job at the end. That was amazing. All that time watching those Jackie Chan videos, wasn't it? Payed off. Payed off.

So it was eight seconds, so that is is four off that's one point to you But I'm afraid I can only give you one point for the content of the speech It was very shortly Let's dip Tom do you fancy another one bring it on okay there you go Fuck me 34 seconds 34 seconds to talk at the topic of history Starting now, okay. I'm famously forward-facing. Um, both were driving a car, and also in studying history.

It was a real problem for me at school because obviously, famously, history is behind us. Whereas I was, I'm much more of a geography kind of guy. What am I looking at? What's in front of me here? Erm... As history, it's always about what's in the bloody past, isn't it? Poor off history, let's talk about the future.

Or as I call it, history... Dreaming, history-meaning. Dreaming, dreaming! He's dreaming! See, 40 seconds, I'm so sorry! 40 seconds, yeah! 40 seconds! Very close but my frayed, it's not within the 5 second remit there. So, wait, I haven't known, isn't it? And I'm going to have to deduct five points from you. Oh God five points deducted. Codent speech

Three points It's fair. It's fair. It's fair. I was constantly more on counting than speaking. Yes All right, I'm really gonna okay. What's your number, please? Oh? 17 17 no chance. Okay Follow that Second I'm trying to sweep stay place your bets 17 seconds on

Singing go I've got a really nice voice Go. I've got a really nice voice. I have an interesting range in my voice. This is it. Wait, do I count it from when you stopped off when you did your karate job? Karate job always. Oh, always good. Ah, karate chop, yeah.

Which one's better? No, it's got to be when you stop over when you did your karate job, karate job always always always always. Ah, karate chop, yeah. Which one's better? No, it's got to be when you stop talking, right? I don't know. They set a precedent for the karate job. I feel that what you know, what you know, because I think you saw it in me, is that I finished before that and thought, oh, it'll be funny if I do the thing the gang is doing. So I intuitive 17 seconds was up pre-chop.

So you're gonna go with pre-chop. I wanna go pre-chop. Pre-chop. This is my way back. Oh, shit! Wait! Wait, wait, wait! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,

I'm very good with feedback. We've like told me something, and I would like to take into account their vibes and include a chab. Right. Okay. Chop the clock should be the new name.

Chop the clock is the new name. Okay, it's great when we work out the format as the game's ending. So we do it. Chop the clock. You're not going to believe that. That was seven minutes eight seconds. It was actually 14 seconds. So very, very close.

Very, very close. I should have entered Clud at the shop. You should have included about three jobs. Really. So 14, you were three off. That means I'm going to give you. My sweet singing. Sweet singing, I'm going to give you two points for that.

Two points for the sweet singing. Two points for being off. That's four points to you. You're almost into points. Oh my god. The most in high five, maybe. OK, come on, Jeff. Ah, it's 4 points to you. You're almost into points. Oh my god. The most can high five me. Okay, come on, just. Ah, it's 40.

40. 40. No one wants to 40. Jesus. 40. Okay, bounce. You have 40 seconds to talk about the subject of bad timekeeping. Go.

So, I have a Swedish friend who is very bad at timekeeping. Go! So I have a Swedish friend who is very bad at timekeeping. Sometimes he's late by sex, who? Orta, Nia, Tia, Elva, Toll, Tretton, Fjorton, Femton, sexton, Cuiton, Ahton, Nitoon, Shurgie, Shurgie Et, Shibto, Shatre, Shafira, Shafem,

Shasex, Shuhu, Shiaotah, Shania, Tretti, Et, Tvo, Trey, Fira, Fem,

Sex, Huu, Otte, Minutes or so. That just blew my mind. That was amazing. Can I take out the sex, lots of crutons. Yeah. That's what the Swedish are like. Absolutely, they're always like the Vassalabar.

That was, you know, that was pretty impressive. Not popular with the audience, I'll say that. A lot of immediate dissent with the audience. If only you'd had a chopping. Right, yes. 38 seconds. 30 seconds. Oh!

38 seconds. I'm going to give you three points for that. Thank you. And for the ingenuity, I'm going to give you five points for the second round. Yes. Yes. For the ingenuity.

And for that, a visible high five. That visible high five lose one point of view. It's fair. OK, it must be Clarky. Hello. Clarky. 25. 25.

And you'll be chopping. And you're chopping this time. Always chopping, baby. Forever chopping. I'm going to see, I'm going to be OK, on my 25th chop. OK, I will not allow that many chops, all right? The second you chop, I stop. All right.

You don't want cheeky chops. Oh, you cheeky chopped yourself. You're my little prince, you know that. Okay, here we go. You have 25 seconds to talk about the bottom of the ocean. Oh my God, the bottom of the ocean, I mean, what, what a place. We know, we know less about the bottom of the ocean than we do the surface of the moon. That is a real fact. And also, we've never been to the bottom of the Mariana Trench.

And also, I believe the person who's been the deepest in the ocean so far, James Cameron, that's fucking weird, isn't it? Chopping on that. I'm not. Chopping on that, baby. Chopping on that. Chopping on that, baby. If you hadn't said chopping on that.

Oh! Oh! And just fucking chopped on it, you would have been bang on the money That was 27 seconds Really good, no really I really enjoyed about that It was like live fat check and going on like go to the bar when You

That's not a bad thing That was James Cameron. He's here. Don't you get a shot at our mate Cheers! Don't wait forever to us, Evan. Now, three points for the time and four points for the speech because it was so good. Very strong work there from Clarkie. Now, at the end of that round, I mean, poor old Emma here, how have you been doing with

tossing up the scores? The bowler's points, guess how long that round went on for? You're doing good. Oh, hello. James Cameron, you fucking bastard! I love true lies, though, mate, so free of luck. Right, Emma, what is it due to the scores at the end of that round, please? Well, it was all over the place, but...

It was, it really was, I'm so sorry. Let's talk of your opinions on the standing of the podcast. I mean, I'm sorry, I was the score. You're going to edit this fucker later, so you know, just chocolate. Ben and Sarah, minus two. They did well to Chloropact. They did very well to Chloropact, yes. Tom and Jeff, minus two. They did well to Chloropac. They did very well to Chloropac, yes. Tom and Jeff, 12.

Oh! Oh, no. So. OK. Tom and Jeff are in the lead, but does that mean that Ben and Sarah have clocked it all up? We'll find out in part two in the meantime, enjoy these messages.

Bye! It's interesting, Adir. Sorry to interrupt your flat slam listening pleasure, but I'm here to just tell you about my solo show. Tom Perry, Pariochi, will be at the solo theatre from 25th to 28th of March, and yeah, come along and enjoy yourself. Basically, if you're a fan of one third of the podcast, where it's just me talking, it'll be a bit like that But don't let that put you off come along and have a good time. Cheers everyone. Bye Do you want to see what the world is really like? Yes, four things is deliciously funny and spectacularly entertaining a woman Planting her course to freedom

It's non-stop bonkers brilliance. I love that. Poor things. It's like theaters, December 15th. Welcome back to Flat Shestlanddown! Flat Shestlanddown! Flat Shestlanddown! Flat Shestlanddown! It's nicely the theme tune, isn't it?

It is, isn't it? Always a treat here, the theme tune. And so, before the break, Jeff and Tom were in the lead It's nicely the theme choos. It's always a treat to hear the theme choo. So before the break, Jeff and Tom were in the lead with 12 points to Sarah and Ben's minus two. And that won about after the break. Yeah, have we retained that lead during the interval? That score has not changed.

Yes! I'm still married. But there's still everything to play for as we hurtling around too. It's flat games. Woo! Let's play together games. Everything to play for us, we're hurtling around too. It's flat games You Go, go, go, go, listen to that! Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, it's flat games. Well, this is probably democracy, no one wants it. It's flat games where we've played our version of scale

electric, which we are calling scale Alexa trick. We have asked Alexa the answer. Oh, it's been a lot worse. I'm growner of that, it's been a lot worse. We've asked Alexa the answer to some burning questions, and I'm going to ask the same questions to our teams. Let's see how far, how close they get to Alexa's definitive answers. Are the award points out of five for how near they sailed to the truth? Have you got Alexa here?

No. And Tom, you know that. So, we asked Alexa, what's the worst day of the week? And I would like you to work out what Alexa said, but before we do that, what do you think personally is the worst day of the week? It's a tough one for me because I'm self-employed. So the classic is Monday. Yes.

But that doesn't resonate for you. No, not really, because, you know, I work at best half a day a week. Are you? And is there any rivalry, is there any consistency to which day that? Oh God, I wish there were. Are you sure you're not unemployed? You're saying it's not Monday? Well, not for me personally, but I think for most people Monday's the classic, but that

feels too easy. For you personally, what's the worst day of the Wheatland? Well, Alexa's going to take the line of least resistance, right? Is that what you think? Well, we'll find out. I'd say maybe Wednesday, hump day. Hump day. Yeah, because you are far from the weekend.

Yeah. You're in the quark buyer of the week. But why is it not that Monday for you? If the weekend still holds some kind of a lure. Yeah, but because you've got a bit of weekend in here. What? Left over weekend. Yeah, bit of weekend.

Yeah, bit of weekend. What are the weekend as hard as I did. So. Bit of a bit of a weekend. What the weekend is all designed in? I saw it on a little weekend in the system. Yeah. It's those things about three days. Yeah. You're still licking weekend off the iPad, aren't you? Yes.

I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I think this is true. But also as well, when you get to the end of the weekend, you've had a big weekend, you're like, oh, I can't do that anymore. Ah, okay, so you say... So Monday, you're like, oh, fuck God, the weekend's over. Ah, you never like that.

What am I saying? Why am I trying to defend Monday? It's Monday, isn't it? Right, Sarah, what do you think? I was thinking that I'm going to go with... I'm going to get a little specific. I'm going to go a Sunday evening. Ah!

Oh, this isn't going to be about the bins, is it? You were shitting in the bins! Yes, I was. No. Some people are into that. It's got to go in the food waste. Yeah, thank you. That's a helpful note.

Do you just think there's a just inevitable, even like all of us freelance here? And I still think there's an inevitable melon collie to a sunday. It's like left over from your school days, don't you think? All of the telly makes you feel a little bit queasy. Yes. All of that stuff, like, you know, it's like, boxing day in the week.

Exactly. Yeah, I used to hear the Balikiss Angel theme tune and think, well, that's it. LAUGHTER I've not done my homework. School's happening very, very soon. I'm fucked. I've not done my homework. School's happening very very soon. I'm fucked. And Bali kiss angels on. That bit I liked. What about you guys? What do you think? Worst day of the week. We've got a plunk for one. I quite like Sunday evening. The

anticipation of the bin men coming the next morning. My major reaction is either of the tea days, Tuesday or Thursday. How do you have Thursday on? Is that question? What Thursdays are these star-in-the-weekend? What? If you look at why off? But it's still ahead of you there. Good luck, Keith.

What good happens on Thursday? And what good happens on a Tuesday? Tuesday and Thursday, I've got quite a lot of pressure. Wednesday is the symbolic kind of you're on your way, right? We're on our way boys, we're halfway through, we're on to the weekend, but Tuesday or Thursday. Now, but Thursday's the day I watch the apprentice because it's on too late on the Wednesday. Well, maybe it's Tuesday then. Maybe it the Wednesday. Well maybe it's Tuesday then. Maybe it's Tuesday.

Like maybe it's Tuesday but like it's Tuesday or Thursday for me. Monday's like has purpose. Wednesday is a thing. Friday's the start of the weekend. Tuesday and Thursday is still trying to define their brand. And they're all. So disagree about Thursday. Yeah.

This is. That's it. And they're all so disagree about Thursday Are we all on the same team now? We are now, Karen. We are all the Jews, are we all the Jews now? No, okay. Who's going to pick Tuesday? We've got Tuesdays. You'll be in trouble. I mean, Alexa is going to say Monday. Yeah, so you guys can Monday. We've got Sunday night.

I think I describe it as a holiday world. It's got to be a day. Why is it Sunday night? It's Sunday night. It's Sunday night, all right? It's fine. It's going to be Sunday. It's going be a day. Why does it sound like Sunday night? It's Sunday night, I'm upset Sunday, alright? It's fine. It's gonna be Sunday. You're gonna be Sunday?

I want to say Sunday and to Monday and I know that's like a long shot but I'll be so gratified if I get it right. So you're treating me with half-day? You think Alexa's gonna say Sunday and to Monday. I genuinely think that Alexa could say something like there is a melancholy to a Sunday night. Like I think that could happen. She's an elusive woman. You're never heard or used an Alexa. No, I don't use Alexa.

No. Well, that's quite... You're going for Sunday. Sunday night. Mental. Sunday night. A melon collie of our Sunday night. I tell you what, if it's up there, I'll give you the money myself. I don't know.

Sorry. We've got the melon colloly of a Sunday night, or we've got Tuesday. Straight down along. OK, so here we go. Sarah Benford, the melancholy of a Sunday night. Tom and Jeff thought Tuesday, let's find out what Alexa thought. Tuesday is the worst day of a week long. Yes! Oh my god! Oh my god!

Wow! That is a full five points to you. Congratulations. That's right. Five points. And did she say why? I think we've done that already. She was actually from a Reddit page in the end

and it said that because you're full of anticipation it's the first thing she reads it out and it's because you're full of anticipation on a Monday. I wrote that Reddit page in the end and it said that because you're full of anticipation, it's the first, it's the first things that you read to it out and it's because you're full of anticipation on a Monday. I wrote that Reddit page. You're still passing for the weekend as what she said, like, so it's pretty much what Clarkie said but didn't, didn't give the answer for. So, beautiful. So we then asked, we went down to a strand. We then asked, we then asked Alexa, what is the secret to a successful marriage? What do you think she said? We'll start with Tom and Jeff. Any ideas from your own successful marriages? How long has Tom been with his partner? His wife?

We got married in June. And how long have you known her? How long have you been together? We've been together for two years. Oh, I mean, two and a half years. Okay. So I think this is... Is some kind of frosty truce, isn't it? I think that's the

... A frosty truce. That's how I would describe marriage a lot. Also my favourite drink on a summer's day. On a Tuesday night. On a barbecue day evening. I love any frosty truths I can do. So what they say don't go to sleep on an argument. Go on a bit. I don't know. I've got to have a thing where you've had an argument at bedtime and you're not going to resolve it.

And then if the other person, even if they're slightly touched as you, you move away the electric move. Yeah, an aromatic move. Because I don't do that. Ah! Ah! Secret or successful marriage is don't go on a podcast record. Yes! I'll accept that answer.

I think it's from liking being wrong. You have to kind of like being wrong. I think it's a really helpful thing. Like genuinely, when something happens, I'm like, oh, he's not crazy. He's like sort of right about that. I'm reassured. That's good. Liking being wrong is a really, really good one actually. I am not saying funny things, but I am saying inside of things. This is great.

Welcome to podcasting. Yeah. So I like that a lot. So we're going for sort of liking being wrong. Liking being wrong. And you are saying compromise. Oh my God, was this part of the round? Yeah. No idea what the question was.

And you have no idea. Let's find out what Alexa said. Don't expect your partner to complete you, but still do things together. Don't expect your partner to complete you, but still do things together. She's a deep one, isn't she? Can I give either of you any points for that? Yeah.

Yeah. The mob has spoken, no. OK, we asked Alexa, what is the worst thing to do on a first date? Sarah. Shitting a mug. I never, it wasn't shing. I've never shitting a mug. I shitting a bag in my toilet that wouldn't flush, okay Different things and that would be a bad thing to you on a first day, okay

Any ideas what's a bad thing to you on a first day? I had a friend who went on a first date with somebody and every time it turned out You know when you're having the conversation trying to find out the things you have in common. Every time that something came up that they had in common, he went to High Five for a... That's, that's, that's, that's quite bad. That is bad. Yeah. That's good one.

Never high five on a first date. Never high five on a first date. Okay. So now high five, Harry. Um, don't... Never high five on the third date. Yeah, wait until the third class. Yeah. Not a slut. So now I'm hyfiving. Perry. Um, do I have a high five on the third date?

Is that the... Yeah, wait, it's a letter for a class. Yeah, not a slut. LAUGHTER And... Fist bump on the second. Oh, darling. Too much, mate.

Say it the fist bump to get married. LAUGHTER I am going to go with... Listen. Listen. Listen more than you talk. so the worst thing to do on a first day listen okay oh no no you say it don't tell me you weren't listening to the question thank you so much I can start talking to your Tom. OK. You talk more than you listen.

Right? So the worst thing to do on a first date, what are you going to lock down as your answer, guys? Clarke, what are you thinking? Far? It's bad. Not gonna lie to you, it is bad. I actually enjoy a fart on the first date.

You do, but you do. You're selling yourself for any each other. Has that happened? Do you want a first date? Yeah, I know why I farted on our first date. We thought it was great. That's beautiful. Can you please yourself around? Can you walk us up to the circumstances by what you're happy? Did she ask for consent first?

I got this as a different one. No, but if you want you can fight in front of someone, and if you're with someone and you know you can fight, you immediately go, oh, this person feels comfortable. So hold on. You guys, I fight on the third day, but far on the third. I think high fivefiving is grosser. Yeah. You've found out how long did we go before? It was, it's quickly, wasn't it? Yeah, we were pretty fast. We got there.

Yeah, you fired quickly. We've, what have farted, the way that Jeff proposed to me was he woke me up on Christmas morning. And he was like, hey, hey, come on, get up. I've taken this incredible shit. You have to come see it. And I was like, hey, hey, hey, come on, get up. I've taken this incredible shit. You have to come see it. And I was like, I just, on top of the shit was a ring.

No, so I go in. And I was like, I was like, that's great, but I don't want to. And he's like, no, it's a bigot. You have to come. And I was like, OK, cool. So basically,, but I don't, I don't want to. And he's like, no, it's a bigot. Like, you have to come. And I was like, OK, cool. So basically, what he said to me is that I have a friend. And so she was like, let's take a, we have, he exchanged his shit photos with a friend of his.

So he's like, because it's Christmas. Yeah, this friend Christens my shit. He called one the brown swan, which I thought was. So because it was Christmas, he was like, we'll get ourselves and we'll send it as a Christmas card. I'm like, that's funny. And then basically I walked toward the toilet and There wasn't a shit and he had he there was no shit present He read wrapped the bowl in cling film and then on top of the cling film There was a ring and a note that said, well, you'd be my wife. Oh

I mean, it's a very odd message for you guys I mean, you're so with that mind, think how quickly we probably farted in front of each other. It's a good point. So the worst thing to do on a first date, you're not going to go far, too. What are you going to go for? I had a friend who banged a dude on a first date

and while they were banging, he looked at her deeply and said, he was like, making the most. He was like, boning fast. And then he stopped. And then he looked at our, I think it was the worst thing I've ever heard on a birthday or life generally and he looked at our and went, that was fucking.

Wait, that's not the punch line, that's not the punch line. He goes, that was fucking. But this is making love. Oh! And then just, I know, I heard that second-hand in my machine when I try. Okay. Truth and why Jeff doesn't like that story is that that actually happened to me. Honestly, that's the key to a good point.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, in 2007, yeah, so. Okay, do we think Alexa's gonna say? Do you? No. But I think that's the worst, like personally, that's the worst first date experience that I've had. What do you think Alexa's gonna say at the worst? I think she could say fart. I genuinely think she could.

Oh, or talk about your ex. Yeah, brilliant. That's right. that's right, I feel that. Okay, talk about your ex you go for that, and a Jeff and a Perry, what are you gonna go for? Racist outbursts, racist outbursts. No, no, no. Of course. In these times...

I'm tired of this, Ellen Duggan. LAUGHTER I was so racist, don't you? LAUGHTER I was so racist she farted. LAUGHTER In these times that might have about 50% success rate, so you know. OK, so you're going to have a racist outburst over my apologies, what was it again? Talk about your ex.

OK, talk about your ex from Sarah, racist outburst from Yeah, that's what he's answered not Let's find out how much I this a has Don't check your phone constantly don't check your phone constantly we have coming from Yeah, yeah. He just wants a bit of peace. Finally, we asked Alexa.

I've been told. You know Alexa's not even in your phone, but I don't. I don't. We've known that's got Alexa, have we? No. This is ever Alexa. Does everyone use Siri? I never use it, but anytime I say that word, Siri's or Alexa, have we? No. This is Amazon Alexa. Does everyone use Siri? Ah, I never use it, but anytime I say that word,

Siri's or silly, it opens up. Yeah, I have to say. Oh, thank you. I was on Five Live recently doing it, and I had to be serious and read the news, and there was some story about Siri and my phone status. Which was, wasn't great. He just wanted to tell you he was on Five Live.

Five Live? I've done fibla. Fibla. The final question we asked Alexa was, what's a good conversation to have on a long car journey? What do you think she came up with, Jeff and Tom? How do you kill time on the open road? Gosh. Oh, it's kind of, you've got to get along long to have like, I know, I know you're brutal about it, but about it, but like Shaq Mario voids always a good one, isn't it? That always it always gets people chatting away. Do you wonder how many people have done Shaq Mario void with puppies?

Don't avoid me mate I'm not gonna do that You genuinely gone red. Oh, tell me! So sweet, that's a sweet. Oh, that's so sweet. If anyone wants to avoid me later on, feel free. Feel free. I'm very open. So we're going for, in your case, you're going for a Shaq Marri avoid. Well, I spy to be a little milder. We've got a three and a half year old, and he's recently learned how to... Does it do you just spy Mario? I'm a shag Mario Void.

I like that spot. I spy is a classic. Well, he's recently learned how I spy, but he just says things that he can see. So he said, I spy a bus. I spy a person. Remember that thing that we tell each other about other people's children not being interesting? Right, that also applies to our children.

Oh, I know. I know. I spy a anecdote. Yeah. LAUGHTER Well, I was going to say, I mean, it's slightly different, but ultimately, very similar answer. I think if we were, or when we are driving together, we will talk about the people we, we will talk about whose marriage is the most fucked.

We like that. Or we'll be like, like, this is what it is, this is what it is, this is what it is. I've got a great, it's like a great talking point for us would be friends that we have where we know they would never cheat on each other. We know they'd be, we feel very strong that they will be together forever. But there was such a power imbalance between the man and the woman in the man's favor.

Yes. That, that's a sort of uncomfortable dynamic. And then other couples we know where we know cheating has occurred where we really wonder if they're gonna make it another five years But they just seem like equals as man and wife and who has the grosser or more admirable Marriage in light of those different discrepancies. And where do you know? The fence is one minute and four seconds Emiliating again, where do you fall on that side of the fence?

Which, what do you, uh? I ultimately find the couple who cheats, but like feels like to, like a marriage of equals, is for me, a much more comfortable and in a way respectable dynamic. I feel like you're asking for permission to cheat now. You're just so, so, really uncomfortable when there's like a man who talks to his wife like she's a little like even I feel like I know he would never cheat and it was with her ever but uncomfortable So that's the answer you think

I think I think I think you're talking about like other people's shit. Yeah, okay I'm not in a Gossip like a gossip. Yeah people shit and what you're Chris in it. Yeah, yeah Okay, so other so gossiping we shit and what you're christen it. Yeah. Yeah, sure. Okay, so we do it. So gossiping, we're going to go, you're going to go for it, you're going to go for ice bites. Yes.

Yeah. Because it's strong. Racist outbursts. Racist. Racist outbursts. Racist outbursts. Racist outbursts. Racist outbursts. Racist outbursts. Racist outbursts. Racist outbursts. LAUGHTER

Let's see what it came up with. What is the weirdest dream you ever had? Oh, yeah! What is the last lecture? What is the last thing you have to do? Four after me. The worst conversation. So no point scored there, but as a bully... She's a fucking Android. She can't dream.

Oh, is it? Do Android's dream? A lecture? But as a bowler she's a fucking Android she can't dream As a bonus bit of fun Alexa we asked Alexa what do you think of puppies flat? She has slammed down I don't have an opinion on that Okay, so she's got I think we've had a better opinion than most. What, uh, uh, uh... Oh, you... Perry, well, if you're gonna play Shaq Marry Void with the three of us...

LAUGHTER Shaq Clarky, marry you, avoid myself. He's fair. I... THEY NOT DO IT IN THE FRONT! LAUGHTER myself. They're not doing it in the front! So, producer Emma, what on the scores have the end of that round? Crucially, has it taken them into points? No! Tom and Jeff have 17 and Ben and Sarah have minus two. Oh! Let's play Beat Brothers! Well, yes! You've got a problem, I'm calling a problem,

but you've got a problem, call it a beat! You've got a beat, think we can help you, from the sorting of your beats! Yes, it's Beat Brothers, where each week we ask our panelists to sort out a flat-share face beat, and this one comes from Sean, who is in the audience. Sean, are you there? Hello.

Hi, Sean, how are you? Now, Sean writes, my housemate, Slash Huzband, is getting a tattoo of a shark on Friday. That's a good point, dude. He booked it eight months ago and only just told me. I don't mind tattoos, but I hate fish. Slash anything underwater. What? OK, a big beef.

Now, here's how it works out. Ben and Sarah, you are on Shahn side. Tom and Jeff, you are on the side of the husband. Do you have a husband's name? Will. Will, OK. So you're on Will's side. Will with the husband. Do you have a husband's name? Will. Will, okay. So you're on Will's side, Will with the shark, and Sarah and Ben, you are on the side of Sean.

Is Will here? No. He's sadly not here at the moment. Any questions you would like to ask of Sean about the husband and indeed the tattoo? Can I ask where he's going to have the tattoo? Good question. Because if it's on his neck, we're gonna need a bigger throat

Yeah Can I just say one thing though I can't believe how fucking smug you look. Tom, we're getting a smaller glunt. Any other questions for Sean? No, that's it. I was just wondering what is it when you say that you hate fish. Do you mean, and all things underwater, do you mean specifically, in a tattoo reference, do you mean like you're someone who hates going to the aquarium? I don't like going to the aquarium. I don't like going in the sea. Any... Oh! It's part of your deal. I just don't like it. Okay. Hi, what's your deal?

And he obviously knows that about you. Yes. And why is a shark his thing of choice? I... How wide does it represent him? Oh, don't know, he just like sharks. He just thinks I look cool. Where's the bag of his car? You know where it's going to be now? On the back of his car.

Surely a lady cow. On the back of the car. Man, God. I think this dynamic is rapidly turning. Suddenly I'm getting a boilage. I can deal with that. What's his name again? Well. Well.

Any other questions, Clarkie? It's a really bad question. I've got all my needs. What is he, like, is he some kind of fucking surfaced dude or something? No, I think he wishes he was, but I just think he likes sharks, and we'll longer be being together. 10 years? 10 years?

Children? No. Can I ask, is it his first ink? Yes. Right. But he's been talking about it for years, and always said he's gonna get it and it was a shark No, it's a tattoo. He's always a tattoo. He always said shark. No, he was gonna get wings tattooed on his hips This was always on the cards

When he's like it's gonna be above the equator one way or the other Wings all hit where wings on his hips? Yes. So he got on his shoulder blades on his hips. He was there. He was there. He was there. He was there. He was there. He wanted to have wings on his hips, so then when he pulled his trousers down he'd look like a flying elephant and then just... Oh, quite a job. He's so big. Alright, he's quite small. He's awesome. Anyway, who's the big man? We're on this side. Yeah, you're on this side.

So where's he, so he's getting the shark, he's getting the shark on the back of his calf, any branding around it, any text, or is he just going, have you seen the design of it yet? No, he hasn't shown me the design. And you found out very, very recently, but apparently other people around you knew this already, is that right? So he told my brother, who's here tonight? Yes, he told him

that we're soon as he booked it and just decided. Hey, I'm not to go. Yeah. Okay, and do you think he he knows about your phobia of of all things sort of nautical and are you scared of shot maritime? Yes. Everyone's scared of sharks. Brother can I ask the brother do you like Will? Great question. Yeah it is. I wouldn't be upset if you left. I'm going to say, polite answer. Will what the hell is wrong with him man? You're a great answer. Well, what the hell is wrong with you, man? I'm not big. I wouldn't be upset if he left.

You're literally sharking your brother's wife. Is anyone's going on here? It's been appropriate. No, no, no, no, no. The brother is, it's Sean's brother. Oh, so, so real, real tall, sharp brother of his plan. Yeah. So, no, you're sure that he's not feeding you a story,

like Colleen Rooney. LAUGHTER Like, is this definitely happening? You're trying to get your sister to break up with her husband. Is that what's happening? That's not next. No. LAUGHTER The original meme was about a sharp tattoo, Is that what's happening? That's not next. No.

The original meme is about a sharp tattoo, but it seems like there is something going on here. Sean, what do you think of his taste overall in other aspects of his life? Like the clothes he wears, a hat he might wear, some the way that you put your home together. Yes. Are there short, short notes on all those things? Yes. Very interesting. Does he wear a lot of that sort of like fat face,

you know, like wild Billy Surfshack kind of? Does he wear pre-cortling shorts? Is it that kind of guy? Yee-yep. Yes, he is, yeah. I know. OK. Has he got, has he got gills?

Has he got, has he got gills? What type of shark is Will, can know you're having tattooed on his calf? I don't know, I seem a great white. And what was your response when he finally told you? Oh! So you haven't had an explosion where you were like, why? No. Not much of an explosion. It's been left unsaid that you're very unhappy.

Did you find the news jaw-dropping? That was good. All that good will that you built up with. That was good. All that good will that you built up with him. Well, hopefully that is enough information for our teams to rate their cases. So without further ado, I'm going to call upon Sarah Barron. You have a minute to begin the case for the prosecution and your time starts now. Okay, I think I'm going to go real big with this and I might urge you toward a divorce now.

What I think is, I think that it is, I think that he kept this from you because he knows how much he'll hate it. I think to some extent with things like a new shirt, a new cap, like you should do what you want and you should feel good in America. I'm not worried about this spouse thing but I think what something is permanent is attached to and what with what we know as a group is your marine aversion. I think he is telling you to go fuck yourself with this tattoo. I think he's being like, I'm the boss, I'm and I think he's angry at you about something that he's not expressing in another area of the life. I know that's big, but I think that's happening. I think there is a deeper anger in the issue. Am I done?

10 seconds. And so basically you got to leave him. I know where I think that is. If I took 35 seconds, you would have gone for much longer. There we go. Okay, so you've got to leave him. Strong argument there. I'm now going to call upon Jeff Lloyd to open the case for the defense.

Your minutes should you need it begins now. You see, I, in a similar way, I think he's very impressive because he wants out of this marriage. But he doesn't, he doesn't want to do it himself. It's probably a bit scared of the brother. I'm not saying there's like this odd lannus the dynamic between the two of you.

But there's something that's not quite sitting right with him. So he's trying to engineer a situation in what I believe to be an ingenious way to get out of the marriage. I mean, it seems strange to me, and again, the imagination is a great thing that there's an eight-month waiting list to get this tattoo. No, I'm not a tattooed man, but from seeing stories

about sailors on shore leave, tattoos are something you could just do on the spur of the moment. But he's not a baby. Yeah, I mean, maybe it's not going to, I mean, he's saying it's happening eight months in the future, which gives you time to leave him. This tattoo isn't going to happen. It's just a way of finding a way out of the marriage.

And I for one, praise, praise is ingenuity. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Amazing that was bang on one minute. Oh! Did we get five points for that? Any other game I would, but they're so far behind it's not fair. OK, so Sean, how do you think it's going so far?

I normally ask that question and expect a funny answer, but you're not crying or anything. How did this go so far, Sean? Could be better. OK, well, what the hell were you going to do? Are you trying to get it at the fact that it should bring it up in public means everything is actually okay. Yeah, we've heard that before. So, Clarky, you have a minute to conclude the case for the prosecution and your time begins.

Now, listen, I'm with you. You know? Oh, papaclacky. You really? You really? Open your mouth. This is a tricky situation. And I understand what's underneath the ocean is,

you know, it's a scary place to be. And so, No, for James Cameron. So is a relationship. Ah. It's a scary place to be and so not for James Cameron So is a relationship Yeah So why In a tattoo, you know, we know less about this tattoo Then we do about the surface of the moon

to, then we do about the surface of the moon, that's a whole on fact. And what we're essentially saying here is, you know, shark marry avoid. I would say to Will and to you, free willing. LAUGHTER Lovely stuff from Clarkie then. LAUGHTER So impressive. That had to have gotten us out of our death itself. It was pretty strong, but we'll find out. It is a real testament to Stockholm Syndrome that our audience clapped Shark Mario Vot. LAUGHTER

Speaking of... You're a short Mario Vot. You're all out back on this tomorrow morning you go. Fuck me. Yeah, not sure. Why not? Speaking of which, Tom, are you going to be doing this as yourself? No. I'm only doing it in the style of a deep-south defense lawyer from a John Grisham novel. Mr. Fan Shaw stand. Mr. Fan Shaw stand.

Mr. Fan Shaw stand and presiding, any deep-providing, your minute should you need it begins now. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, we've been hearing a lot of big words there from them, their fans and lawyers, they're from the big city. They come down here in a wide town, talking about their fence of ways.

The ocean. Hell, we ain't never seen no ocean round here. We just got up from damn, damn, damn, Democrat folks over there. Countries overseas. Oceans. Round here we small time folk. We're up there in the creek.

Wait, you're up in the creek. We're up there in the creek. I would suggest the creek is quite low. We're paddling there in the lake. I'm washing in the bayou. I'm wearing a little time. Warm water. in to buy you. That's right. A grandly times. Warm water. We simple folk round here.

Don't go drinking it, mind. Is that because you've washed in it? No. Don't further questions you, won't we? I recognize a lot of you here at Winsmall Town. We go back a long way. You probably remember the story there of the old fisherman. Wet tin.

Winsmall. Wet tin. Wet tin. Hell of a fisherman. Gave me my first taste of pike. Where Tim? I believe you. Hell of a fisherman. Gave me my first taste of pike. That's like he's tomorrow's court case. I remember you probably remember yourself.

I turned out to be a Tim, they're Incard. Where Tim now? himself I turn around and said Tim, that ain't God. Wept him now. Wept him. You remember he out there on the lake. He out there on the bayou. He traversed in the river. But he don't go near the stream. Why not? What's wrong with the stream, where Tim? The question you don't dare ask. I think you know what I'm trying to say to you. Some folks are cut out for the buy. Some folks are cut out for the buy. Some folks are cut out for the link.

Hill, some of us are cut out for the rhythm. Sometimes we ain't cut out for a stream. Listen, I've been shitting in that stream. No further questions, gentlemen. Fans should stand in there. OK. Now, I cannot adjudicate B. Brothers myself as over the course of this episode, I've developed deep and conflicting feelings for everyone involved. Sean, Will, and most of all, that little sharky.

Sharky Baba. So instead I'm going to call upon our live Phoenix audience. If you think Sarah and Ben and therefore Sean is in the right applaud now. But very very strong response there, but if you think Jeff and Fansure made the best case, please applaud now. It has to go.

It has to go to Sean. He's right, Jason Sean. Oh, you got it. Well, can I just say yes, of course you can. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Well, can I just say yes? Of course you can. Sean, what is Willa Freydoff? Oh, Spiderman. I could get a spider tattoo. Fuck me, go and get a spider tattoo. Oh, yeah.

Please, on the same calf that you know, just do it this way. No, fuck the calf, do the full face. Yeah. That'll teach him. Yeah. Full face spider, you know what? You used to see it in the 80s, the full face spider web. Go for that. Bring it back.

So, if only you could. Did you spend the 80s in prison? I don't like to talk about the 80s, all right? You see in the movies scum, that's basically a bioplic of my life. Well, if? You see the movie is scum, that's basically a biome, look at my life. Well, if I look at the top back myself, I would have plenty of time for this Quick Fire Round Jingle! Woof! This is the quick fire round

It's the round that goes really quickly Which is why it causes such great amusement It has a long intro-duction Oh, it's a funny joke. The introduction to the quick fire round is a long one. That's the fact, tell your mates, spread the word it's got along Like a giant, you're not supposed to love me It should be a short introduction but it's long Get it tattooed on your chest, higher a sky writer Shorke it on the pavement

Put a leaflet through your neighbor's letter box Fade You spray painted on the brick Get a joke out to the people It's a long jingle not a short one. Call your dad and tell him to tell his old schoolmates. A kid on the top, a father pie that you've made for your wife, or partner tell them that you're going to leave them unless they get the joke Should be a short introduction but instead it's really really a long introduction

Ooh, call it into a tree Contact BBC News and see if they will run it in their show Anyway, you get the gist, it's really an important joke then It's an introduction that's long, instead of being short And now we've made that point in time We got on with the quick fire Rao So Farfie's back So that was good stuff, though. Yeah, strong stuff. So, Harry and Gene, you have to go and text the baby sitter, because we're running over so much.

But let's crack on with this round. Is everyone okay? Yeah. Sure. Okay, we'll keep it brief. The round's quite quick. In this round, I'll be asking you simple trivia questions. However, as our theme is turning back the clocks, all the questions are at time and I'd like you to give your answers backwards. For example, if I were to ask you who sang the lyrics, do you remember the 21st night of September, I'd like you to give the answer, not as earth-winded fire, but as irith denar, can you win me a war? Put it right, no just kidding, fire and earth and wind earth. Instead of buzzers I would like you to to shout your first names backwards if you can. So Tom and Jeff let's hear yours.

Moth. Fug. Lovely. And Ben and Sarah. Arith. Neb. Off. We go.

What timepiece is typically made in Switzerland and features a bird? Neb. Neb. Clock cuckoo. Clockcoku. Clockcoku is correct. Ah! Name the brightly illuminated intersection in Midtown Manhattan.

Aris. Aris. Square times. Square times is correct. Which actor played Betty Draper on Mad Men? Aris. Jones January. Very strong.

What type of cricket is known as... What type of... What's a... Sports, so much. I'm out. What type of cricket is known as the ODI? MOT. Yes.

International Day 1. Correct. What weekly newspapers, papers for publishing their rich list? MOT. Times Sunday. I'll give you that. There should be a V in there as well, but fair enough. In the paper, what do you say?

Times the Sunday. I'll give you that. There should be a V in there as well, but fair enough. In the playboy, what do you say? I'm the Sunday. LAUGHTER My last one point. LAUGHTER In the playboy, what do you say to me? What is Junior Caesar told to be where? Moth.

Moth. March of I'd thee. Correct. What is the fire? You know, it feels like university challenge. It's really fucking ten, isn't it? What is the final song of Act One of Lame is a Roblo that features the line,

The Men Who Seed To Know My Crime Will Surely Come a Second Time? Mott. Neb Mott. More Day One. Correct. Oh! Give me a euphemistic term for getting your period.

Mott. Pfft. No! Gone then. Was MOT it? In our painters, though. I will accept it, but that's nothing to do with time. Do you have the answer? R-S-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B- Ragnion? That is Shakespearean.

That's my favourite part of it. The Aydermenpe. Outdown spot. I was thinking of a monthy of time. And then the 18th James Bond film from 1997. So here's Brosnan and Jonathan Price. F***ing low. Yes. And then the 18th James Bond film from 1997. So appears Brosnan and Jonathan Price Yes

Dines never tomorrow dies if tomorrow's correct what was Bill Hayley in the comments bigger song? What what Bill Hayley in the comments bigger? Oh, yes clock Rock around Come on you can do it. I can't do it. You can do it mate. I believe in you. I believe in you. A Jeff. Go on, you can do it. It's a misplaced. Give it Sarah. Boris. Oh, hang on a minute.

The cock. The... A round rock. She has been in my arms so tight. Cuck! Vee! A round rock! She's being fired up so tight. I'm giving the point to Jeff. What day is open to the International Star Wars Day? Oh! Maris!

July of 4th. July? July of 4th July? What? There it was! Eris! Eris! You can't! It's that July of 4th is not the answer you've been to, it was 4th July. 4th May.

4th May is correct. What accolades often give us a fast food restaurant to their best workers? Fast food restaurants? What accolades often give us to their best workers? Eris! Yes. Month... The of Employee. Correct.

Finally, give me the first line of the chorus of the Commodore's famous love song about counting. Ha-ha-ha. It's a really... It's a really fucking hard one. For work. God for work. I believe in you, man.

Lady... Err... Yes. Time. Yes! Three twice once. And one more word? A.

You're... You're yours, guys! You're mine, boss. That's... Is the end of the round and indeed the end of the score is the game. So before we find out the final score... If you listen to that round backwards, will it make sense? It will sync up with the Wizard of Oz though.

So before we find out... The Wizard of Wizards. The Wizard of July? LAUGHTER LAUGHTER The best. I loved it. LAUGHTER The best, I loved it.

So before we find out the final score, Sarah and Jeff, have you got anything to plug, Sarah, are you doing gigs? Oh yeah, I've got a Soho Theatre run that I need some people out, which will be in March from the night to the 21st, and also I do a comedy night where it's six pounds is it two norths down and it's so good and it's like whoever you like will be there. It's just great people because my taste is impeccable which is obnoxious but true. And the next one is on the 3rd of December and 8 o'clock at night. Six pounds is so good.

How could you not? Absolutely. And Jeff, you're on Fireblive. LAUGHTER So, if you want my plug-in ass, that'd be really useful. I did, if you want it. Did you touch your show on Fireblive? We've seen the uptake. What else, you've got your fantastic podcast as well? Yes, I do a podcast, I do a couple of one-couldered drift, which is about being socially incompetent

and another one called Reasons to Be cheerful, which is about ideas to fix everything, because everything's turned to shit. Do, do, download those. Thank you for this podcast speaking everything turned to shit. I plug my Soho run as well. Yes, so we're going to be so whole buddies. Absolutely. We're going to tag team out of that. So please come along. Thank you.

Absolutely right. So also as well, if you would like to support this podcast, you can donate that shityeandmoney.com or you can join the Patreon and also please leave us a review and iTunes. So producer Emma, I'm on 10 to hooks. What are the final scores? Oh, it's so close Tom and Jeff 24 24 24 hours in a day

That's not coming across of July That's not coming across of July. LAUGHTER It's a time themed, anyway. You know what? Yeah. 24 hours in a day. Good points to score. Thank you for being across with Seventh. Ben and Sarah. Five.

Oh! So so close to the big Seventh. So Ben and Sarah have to turn about the box whilst Jeff and Toby is being the edge out with me. Thanks for all the get. Sarah Baron and Jeff Lund. We've probably seen lots of other people. So Please, that's everybody who came down. Zero calling as the peace, my brother's answer. Have a flash of salaries as soon as you can produce your 8th ass elite. Cheers everyone, bye! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Well.

What an app. There we have it. The results are in as well. The results are in, guys. We found out. We know whether it's gone or not. I know. Finally, we know.

Finally, we know. And that's bullet. It's good to put that to bed, I think. Yes. It's just good to know. It's good to finally put pay to what the lyric is. To finally slam it down. Absolutely. Or some for all.

You know what? It's nice to slam it down. Because we've been promising. We've been promising for one time now. We've been promising for nearly 10 years. More on a decade. And I on a decade to slam it down. And today, marketing your diaries guys,

the third of March is the day we finally slandered it down. Cut a seed of Jeff Lloyd and Sarah Baron. Thanks very much for listening to that episode. It was great fun. It was good fun. Files on Twitter at Pappy's Tweet. Files on Instagram at Pappy's Comedy. Joping around.

Listen to all the previous episodes again. Ooh, and Marathon. Yeah, yeah. Marathon. Because, and also, yeah, during the Patreon as well, patreon.com forward slash Pappy's flat share. Oh, and if you want to send us an email, it's Pappy's flat share at gmail.com.

Yes. When is this going out? Third of March. Famously the third of March, Tom. My solo show is at the... Soho Theatre. Oh, absolutely. From the 25th to the 27th of March, I think, Pariochi. Yes.

Please do come along. It's soho Theatre. Yeah, soho Theatre. Soho Theatre.com for tickets. Absolutely. I've not seen it yet, so I'm excited. I'm really excited to see it. I'm really excited to see it.

And you too, listen to it. Yes. So, if you go on one night, you might even catch a glimpse of me in the audience. So that's a little... But don't let that put you off. A little extra incentive there to see... Is he laughing at this bit? What's he doing?

He's not. He isn't. But that's what he's doing over there. He's thinking about when he's got a slam in that. I've got a slam in that. It was produced as ever by Emma Corsham. Corsham team. And stand by for the patron neighborhood watch roll call. Cheers everyone.

Bye! Good evening. Everybody. This is the news. Good evening everybody and welcome to yet another Patreon neighbourhood watch, a roll call. BONG. BONG. BONG.

Our headlines today, there is no more food. What? Oh my god, he's got a bleak one to start with, guys. I'm not going to lie. Yes, I'm afraid there is no more food, so we can no longer eat, drink and be merry. So I'm afraid that news is brought to you by the man who scoffed the lot, Alex Perry. Well, this just in, we are receiving breaking news that someone has bared their ass

and done a shit in a lay-by. Oh, police are on the scene, and they're having a great time talking to onlooker, Tom, maybe. You've very good on a lay Labie, don't you? Someone's shitting a Labie. Well, breaking news. Oh, breaking news. Breaking news.

It's just in. This just in from the pub down the road. They're drinking. We've never watched the news. They're drinking. They're all merry, especially Tim Parry, oldie. And that from the pub down the road. From the pub down the road. That as stories come in. Like wait, I've got more news coming in now from the pub down the road. You're listening to pub news. And there is a domino game playing in the corner.

And if anyone would like to join it, they're welcome. It's not just for old codgers. And that is proved by the captain of the domino team. And Mr. Jamie Rogers, more on that story when we get it. Well, I interrupt that story with some breaking news. We've just got a report that the pub down the road. There has been an incident.

And yes, apparently, a Vicka has arrived naked. And he's really putting it about. And the locals don't know which way is up. Apparently, he was seen on a table shouting, my name is Vicka, I work for God. My name is Vika. This is just what we're getting here. This is very fresh news. Sorry, it's apparently from the pub, down the table.

At the pubs and the rots, saying, I am Vika. I work for God. Hell. And then Vika made good on his exit. It's probably weird to show his cut. We crossed now to our reporter who is live at the scene. Chris Rodwell. Well, thank you very much Tom, and thank you very much Chris.

Let's go now to the scene where we could speak to a bar maid who was working at the bar at the time when the vicar came in and screamed, I am vicar, I work for God help. Now, if I could just first ask, I can imagine that must have been quite a terrifying incident for you. No. imagine that must have been quite a terrifying incident for you. No! I'm a religious girl. So I wasn't... Can I get you a drink, or...

If not, I've got to serve the locals. So I wasn't terrifying because you're religious. Yes, yes, I'm a religious girl. So I am. Well, thank you very much to the religious girl who I was assuming would find it incredibly scary, but she didn't, and her name is Emily Anne Rosemary. Can I also apologise if Alex Perry is in fact a girl and not a boy, because I said it was a boy.

But either way, I think we can agree in a long list of British-shocking Patreon-Nablehood Watch Roll Calls, this can now officially be deemed the worst. And that is officially the end of our news tonight. We have been neighborhood watch painter and roll call stay tuned for the weather. It's gonna rain. I'm not really just going to... I love that. Poor things. In select theaters, December 15th.