Pappy's Flatshare - Slamdown w/ Humphrey Ker & Joe Wilkinson (Check the CCTV) S14E28

Episode Date: August 5, 2024

Neither “Tom!” nor “Ben!” want to check the CCTV… so Matthew says we’re gonna have to have a flatshare slamdown!Matthew Crosby, Ben Clark and Tom Parry Wicks recorded live at The Phoenix in Cavendish Square with guests Joe Wilkinson & Humphrey KerWithHumphrey Ker - https://www.instagram.com/humphreyker/Joe Wilkinson - https://www.instagram.com/gillinghamjoePappy’s - https://twitter.com/pappystweetPappy's Insta - https://www.instagram.com/pappyscomedy/Support us on Patreon - https://www.patreon.com/pappysflatshareFind tickets to all our live shows here - pappyscomedy.com/liveEdited by Emma Corsham Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Greetings listener dear and welcome one and all to a very exciting episode of Pappy's Flat Share Slamdown. I'm Matthew. I'm Ben. And there's no Tom with us for the intro and the outro. He's currently at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival where he's working as a director and a barista as well. There's no money in directing these days, you've got to have a side hustle. And I tell you what, that guy can knock up an oat matcher like nobody's business. He's a weird. He's an absolute way. You know, that's

what he does to the to the milk. Yes, give it a whiz and matcher there is. So yeah, he's away at the moment but he's crucially, this episode was recorded in March of this year and he was around for that. It features two of our dear friends and two I would say of our oldest pals in comedy. Yeah, absolutely. Humphrey Carr, who you'll know from the Wrexham documentary on Netflix. He's there looking after the football team Wrexham. Now you say it out loud, it's all quite mad, isn't it? I was just about to explain who he is, but he's our friend

Humphrey. But he also happens to be sort of semi running a football team for two Hollywood A-listers. Yeah, yeah, you know, we were from the sketch world, we all grew up, and we're all doing different things. Some of us are running football teams, others baristas. That's the kind of... Exactly, there's, there's, you know what? It's a spectrum. And we're all very, very welcome. Yeah, so it's Ryan Reynolds and Rob McElderry from... always something in Philadelphia, Ryan Reynolds from Deadpool and Wolverine in cinemas now. I've been asked to promote it.

I just think it needs a little bump. It needs a little bump, you know. We'll send some of our millions. It's worth it needs a little bump. It needs a little bump, you know. But yeah, we'll send some of our millions. It's worth it. Absolutely. Yeah, yeah. But yeah, he he's he's mates with those guys and he's running. He's running a football team for them. So, yeah, he so he spends half his I was talking to you about this after the after the show.

He spends sort of half his year living in Wrexham in an Airbnb. What is what an odd life he has. Yeah. And the other half in like Hollywood, right? Yeah, the other half in Hollywood where where he has a sort of a Hollywood career. Bizarre. But you know what? That's the thing about Humphrey. He contains multitudes.

We also have the brilliant Joe Wilkinson who my first my first ever Edinburgh Friends show I did with Joe Wilkinson, the same year as the first Pappies show, 2006. Are you classing that as your first and not as? Well technically ours was at 12 and Joe Wilkinson's and mine was at like 330, so Pappies is the first one. My second ever Edinburgh show, done three hours after I did, two hours after I finished the first one.

But yeah, back in 2006 when we did our first Papi's run at the Cannons Gate, we were also doing a show at the Meadows Bar. Myself, Joe Wilkinson, Arnob Chander, Dave Nichols and Alistair Green of Instagram fame. Yeah, it was a hell of a show. It was a good show. The mad thing about that was there was five of us on the bill, we had to do an hour. And if one of us couldn't make it that day, we'd rope somebody else in. I did it, but making the time you did it a few

times. Yeah, yeah, definitely. But yeah, also, if you've not read, I've got to I've got to big this up because I absolutely adore it. If you've not read Joe Wilkinson's book, him and Henry Packer, the brilliant comedian and illustrator, Henry Packer have done a book of sort of fake memoir graphic novel of Joe's life. It is one of the funniest books I've ever read. It's so good. And it's also my daughter's favorite book. She wants me to read it to her every night. I have to change those bits of it because it's really rude. But yeah, my daughter is obsessed with Joe Wilkinson now. But you don't have to be a five-year-old. You could be any age to enjoy this book. Although I would say if you do have a five-year-old in your life, I probably wouldn't buy the Joe Wilkinson book. That's some slightly ropey parenting on my part. She's just kind of obsessed with this book.

And it's now wants to read it every single night. But yeah, it's brilliant. It's absolutely brilliant. If you can get Henry and Joe's book, it's really, really good. Watch the Netflix series that Humphrey's on. Go and see Deadpool Wolverine. But most importantly, join the Patreon for Pappy's Flat Shared Slam Down. Oh, please do guys.

New episode every week. Such a lovely community over there. Get yourself over to patreon.com forward slash Pappy's Flat Share. Absolutely right. If you enjoy the free feed, if you've been listening for a while and you think, you know what? I'd like to chuck them a little something.

They've given me all these years, all the way since 2011, they've given me all these years of free entertainment. I'm going to throw a little something their way. Chuck us four quid a month and in return, you get, as Clarky said, a bonus episode every single week of our Flat Share Pop Round. You get bonus beefs with all of our guests. You get the jingle as a single when I remember to post it,

which I haven't done for about five months, but I will. What I tend to do is like every five or six months, I just dump them all. I just dump a load of jingles. Oh, I see an album. An album if anything. Yeah, I drop an album. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. Right. He better still. I drop an album every six months. I have no hand in it. Clarky and Parry do the music. But all I've got to do is the admin and I can't even do that.

But yeah, so get along to the Patreon as Clarky said, patreon.com forward slash papi slash air. Get there today. But you know, let's stop messing around. Let's get these two, these two legends onto the stage. Please welcome for all flat share slam down Humphrey Carr and Joe Wilkinson. Enjoy. Tom Benz! What is it, Matthew? Yeah, what is it? You're a useless boy.

What? You are a useless boy. No, I'm not a useless boy. Please don't talk like my parents. This whole estate is a hotbed of crime. Oh no. Yeah, it's surrounded by criminals. You know just yesterday standing outside our front door I saw Colin the cross-eyed burglar. Oh no. Naturally I warned the neighbors on the other side. But there's only so much curtain twitching I can do do one of you two has got a check the CCTV cameras

You know all this CCTV stuff is actually quite reminiscent of a 1984 Less the CCTV. It's just that was also a year that a dune film was released and I couldn't be bothered to go Oh, that's torn straight from today's papers. Unbelievable. You walked out of June didn't you? I did. Yeah. Today? Yeah. More movie reviews as the show goes on. How far in did you get? An hour and fifty. It's about a quarter of the way through. Yeah, yeah. I did not enjoy it. What was the straw that broke the camel's back? I could hear the man breathing behind me. Sorry about that. But Tom, tell me why are you not going to check the CCTV? Well Matthew, it's not going to be me. I think we should just leave CCTV alone because you're never going to improve on the original, are you?

Ant Dec, Cat Deeley, Sandy Morgan. Oh baby! Well there's only one way to settle this, folks. We're going to have to have a... Flat Shares Land Down! We're in a club! Flat Share Slamdown! Flat Share Slamdown! Flat Share Slamdown!

Hello and welcome to Flat Share Slamdown, the panel show that says I woke up this morning with the sun down, shining in I found my mind in a brown paper bag within I tripped on a cloud and fell eight miles high. I tore my mind on a jacket sky. I just dropped in to see, see TV what condition my condition was in. I'm the host of Landlord Matthew Crosby. Let's meet the neighborhood watch, aka those two furtive peepers Tom Perry and Benedict Clark.

But you can't check the CCTV on your own. Who are the grubby little voyeurs you brought with you this week? Ben. I brought my football coach Humphrey Carr. Humphrey is here. Humphrey, it's great to have you back in the flat. It's been too long. Great to be back.

What kind of a person are you, Humphrey Carter, live with? I like to think pretty decent. You know, I've been living with my wife now for 10 years. I haven't had a flatmate in a while, so this is a really exciting experience, being up here in this, let's be honest, real sausage-fest of a right. No girls allowed, girls are yucky. No, no, no. So yeah, for me it's just, it's really exciting to be back with the lads. We all get our dicks out and stuff. In the bathroom. Absolutely right. It's very much a sort of 2011 version of podcast. Yeah, in the bathroom. Absolutely right. It's very much a sort of 2011 version of podcasting. Yeah, absolutely. It's a real reversion to type.

Right, very, very, very much. But if your wife was here now, and thank God she's not, but if she were, what would she say about you as a person to live with? I think she'd say that I'm, you know, I do my bit. I join in. I am, I quiet, keep myself close up. With what? With cohabiting in the flat. Oh, so you're there? Yeah, I'm in. I am, I quiet, keep myself, keep myself. Well, we're cohabiting in the flat.

Oh, so you're there? Yeah, I'm there. She described you as physically present. She described me as physically present. She can't prove that I'm not there, because I am. And yeah, you know, like, sort of relatively tidy, relatively, you know, do all the sort of the stuff.

This, by the way, this sounds like a man who's got no idea what he's talking about. I live with my wife, believe me. Okay, we cohabit, okay, we live together. And we kiss. This is like hearing me eat food in the house. This is like hearing Rishi and his wife talking about doing the housework. And then I'll do the dishwasher. Loading. Yes. I like. Yeah. And then I'll do the dishwasher.

Yes. I like the table. Yes. And all of that. A table? Yeah, we've got a table. Exactly. You know what?

He checks out. He's got a table. He knows what he's talking about. Tom, who have you brought with you this week? I've invited somebody to bring it down to size. Joe Wilkinson, everybody. Please. Oh, no.

I've invited somebody to bring it down to size. It's Joe Wilkinson, everybody. Joe Wilkinson is here. Oh, no, please. Oh, no. I wanted somebody to bring it down to size. It's Joe Wilkinson, everybody. Joe Wilkinson is here. Joe, I've got to ask, do you do your bit? Pardon? Do you do your bit around the house?

Um, oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. If your partner was here right now, if your partner, Petra, was here, what would she say about you as a person to live with? Uh... Trustworthy. How does that

manifest itself? I rarely steal. You've got to keep your hand in. That never goes away. You say rarely, you're still keeping your end in. I have. You've got it, yeah, you have to. That never goes away.

I dip into the pound coin jar. Without asking. What are you doing with those pound coins? Shopping trolley? I'm buying prawn cocktail crisps. Eating them in the garden? No, I eat them on the walk home. Ah, you've got to hide the evidence.

Yeah, so she trusts me. That's key. 100%. The bar's very low. 100% The bar's very low It's amazing how easy it is to get an R isn't it? The bar's very low Yeah, the bar's very low People have such low expectations of you That you say trusting your own wife is like, oh, he's a keeper

I have not shot her you're one of the rare well it's great to have two good guys of comedy here on the show we have met our guests but who is gonna be checking CCTV and I'm not talking about my favorite Spanish language television channel let's find out let's find out as we play round one Who? Warren, right? Right, huh? Who? But someone took it Who? And all I'm asking is Who? Am I a suspect? Just a little bit A suspect?

Just a little bit Do you think it's me? Just a little bit I live at number three Just a little bit I ain't gonna do you wrong I'm your neighbor Who?

I know that you want it Who? And make a drive from Sega Who? Yes, I wanted one So I guessed that I want it, and make a drive from Sega Yes I wanted one, so I guessed it, I was such a bit Such a bit, go back to Luke, you ain't got no proof Have you got CCTV? Have you got footage of me? Yes you've got CCTV, well feelin' fucked cause it was me

I stole your package, stole your package, stole your package, stole your package, stole your package, stole your package I stole your package Just a little bit Yeah it was me Just a little bit I'm gonna play Just a little bit Silent three

Oh, a little suspenseful Oh my goodness This... This is gonna blow your mind guys But we actually did we ran that through AutoTunes. Who did that and where was it recorded? Have you heard about your own studios? Closing down apparently. It was in a skip outside there. Anyway the first round is called... You see Aretha do it and you think, I can do that. No one has seen Aretha Franklin go, I could do that.

I love a crack at that. I love a crack. How hard can it be? The first round is called, can you CCTV? Well, I can CCTV. I'm going to give both teams a location and I would like you to say one thing you might see at that location. Your teammate then has a chance to guess the location. If they can't, it's over to the other player

who will say another thing they might see, you guessed it, at that location. The teammate has a chance to guess, if they can't, it's back to the other first team and so on. We'll start with Ben and Tom. This is your location, guys. There's your a chance to guess. If they can't, it's back to the other first team and so on. We'll start with Ben and Tom. This is your location, guys. There's your location. Same location.

You've got the same location. Ben, we'll start with you. Ben, give us a thing you might see. Hold tight. It's all right. We've got plenty of time. And I'm guessing. You're guessing.

Oh, yeah. One word? One thing. Yeah. It doesn't necessarily have to be one word, but one thing. Okay. Okay. So Ben, one thing for Humphrey to guess. A stage.

A stage. Humphrey Carr, where might you see a stage? A theatre. It's not a theatre. Fuck. Over fuck over too high bro for this mate over to okay okay okay cold play right we've got a stage and cold play oh is that I thought that's not your guess no no no no no so Joe you're guessing now oh I'm so yeah it'd be mad if I gave him the thing on a bit of paper and then also got him to guess.

Oh, it's the same thing? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's the same thing, yeah. So, yeah, so... You said Coldplay. Yeah, so it's a stage and Coldplay. It's the same thing, Joe. So you use both those clues together. Oh, I don't have to delete that one.

No, no, keep that one up in the old bread box. Okay. And... Stage and Coldplay. Wembley Arena. Is not right. That's good though. I'm gonna leave that one up in the old bread box. Okay and stage and cold play Wembley Arena is not right. That's good. Good. It's not the one Ben Clark Blags oh, okay tour de France Yeah, whole play could be there already see they might be. They might be playing when they finish. And then there's Fax.

It's not the Tour de France. We're back over. Me, topless. Can we double check it's not Tour de France? On those hill climbs I really struggle. If you'd like to guess Tour de France again Joe, you're more than welcome to. Yes, yes, yes I will. Final answer.

It's not Tour de France, back over to Clarky. Good though, good. Good play. Me, sitting on top of Tom's naked shoulders. And it's really not the Tour de France. Yeah. Let's triple down on Tour de France. Yeah.

I've checked it three times, guys. It's not the Tour de France. It might be worth trying one more time. Yes, yeah, yeah. That's what you win, is if you win the hill stages, you get you two naked. You have to carry you through the next round. know Tom shirtless we know Ben's on his shoulders we don't know if there's a bicycle under Tom I don't know yeah I think I know

the answers yeah because I've seen I've seen this in the flesh is it Glastonbury? It's Glastonbury! Am I allowed to do that? You can do that by all means yeah yeah we got one! Why doesn't Joe get a bell? What's that? If Humphrey gets one. Humphrey brought his own bell from home. I brought my own bell. Any second now, his button's gonna arrive.

Yeah. Yes. With his table. With his table. With his table. For the at-home listener, that bell's actually attached to a bike that... It's my top of the frieze.

Complete the second stage one. So that is one point, that is one point of course to Humphrey Carr. Well played, well played, Henry. Now, the next round. Who's Henry? The next round. There are 14 rounds.

Yeah. Yeah. Is it this for an hour and a half? Yeah. Cool. It's a format we're working up. Yeah, it's a bit like June. I will be leaving after an hour and 15.

Yeah. So, it's gonna be like June. I will be leaving after an hour and fifteen. So, it's going to be Joe versus Humphrey now. Same idea. More of the same. Imagine if this is the Tour de France. We're going to start with you Joe. Okay. Tom? Aye.

You're guessing. Love to. A load of French cyclists. Is that a band I saw at Glastonbury? I'm going to go with Glastonbury. A Toby jug collection Joe Wilkinson's house It's not correct. I'm afraid you seem like the time I am the time

Load and I mean a load of worth as originals An old people's home? Is not correct. Bloody close though, isn't it? Very close, yeah. Very close. A young people's home? Um.

This guy's good. Two Fray Bentos pies and a half-drunk bottle of whiskey or we're gonna well I mean yeah we'll call that dinner is it my it's not your house and a series of photographs of you Clarkie from that from being a baby up until probably about when you were 18. Michael Jackson. He had a thing for you, I'm not gonna deny it. Famously, he always said he was his favorite puppy it's like Ben didn't it yeah yeah didn't sing Matthew didn't want anything to do with you two

is it my nan's house I'm gonna allow it yes it's wrong! It's a grandparents house. I read Grandfather's House. Well, I didn't write it. No, I know. I skipped over that. That's out of my hands. Whatever you read, mate, is out of my hands. I can lead you to water. I can't teach you to read. Is the grandfather having two Fray Bentos pies for himself?

I was just behind a bloke in Sainsbury's recently, and that's what he's buying. A bottle of whisky and two Fray Bentos pies for himself? I was just behind a bloke in St. James recently and that's what he's buying. A bottle of whiskey and two Fray Bentos pies. That's livin' alright. Okay, that is two points there of course to Ben and Humphrey there. Humphrey, you're up next. It's versus Tom. Off you go, Ben, you're guessing. The Queen Vic.

Eastenders, the set of. Is not correct. Bushes. I mean, yeah. Bushes. Yeah. I'm going to pass. You're well within your rights. I respect that.

You're well within your rights to pass. I respect that. For three points though. Clarky, another thing you might see in this location is... ...railings. Yeah. This is how we play. Painting a picture with the mind there.

I feel like I know it, but also I don't know the name of it how is that possible that's the nature of the square yeah yeah let's throw it back let's throw it back allow him to crawl around his mind palace for a bit. Yeah. More, more of a squat. Absolutely filthy. Take his mind bed seat. His mind bed seat. Flip over that dirty mattress, Clarky, what do you see underneath?

What's the cockroaches have cleared? What do you see underneath? What's under the old razzles? Yeah. Crack pipe? Yeah. Go on, Clarky, you can do this. Cock? Cock Square. Final answer. Coronation Street Square?

No, it's not Coronation Street. Is that your final answer? Yes. Okay, well, this is for two points here. We're throwing it over. A sad man on a bench. Yeah. Albert Square. It's Albert Square, of course, it's Albert Square. Joe you're up again.

Oh yeah. You versus Ben this time. Okay. There's your location. Joe, I'd like you to go first. Tom, you're guessing. Something you would find. A wall of dildos.

Like a climbing wall of dildos. A climbing wall of dildos? Yes, they're put on well. They're attached well. So if you wanted to, you could climb up them. Okay. So if you wanted to you could climb up them. They're reinforced. I'm going to go for Clarke's mind pallets. It's a good answer but it's not the correct answer I'm afraid.

So this is for four points. Oh. Like one of them naughty swings. Oh, one of those naughty swings. It's not Prince Andrew's house, is it? What? Leave the man alone. Settings? He's apologised. What more can he do?

He also has a wall of photos of me as well. We're mixing up palaces. It's not, of course, Prince Andrew's house. Joe, another item from that location. Tom, you're guessing. On the opposite wall, more dildo. More? OK.

Not as securely fastened. Don't climb on those. No. Is there a sign saying that? There should be. Yeah. Is it? Health and safety nightmare. So we've got...

Two walls of dildo. Two walls, one secured, one very much loose. Yeah. Loose dildo on one side. Dildo? I'm guessing. Yeah. I don't know. I've never seen more than one

nice why would you once plenty enough don't get greedy where do you think I want you I'm gonna go with sex cafe sex cafe that well-known thing that's a million pound idea we've's not bad is it? Tom, you've made a million pounds. We've had cyber cafes, they've taken the world by storm. We've had the cat cafe. Sex cafe. Go and have a nest cafe at the sex cafe.

It makes perfect sense, it's not correct. This is for two points here. Clarkie. A staircase that's leading upwards. OK. OK. I've read it, and I don't know what you mean. No, I think that's a good clue.

I think that's a good clue. Because I think staircases go both ways. Not this one. Not this one. Oh, I know what you said. I know what you said. You come down a slide into the sex dungeon. It's a sex dungeon!

And then you go up the stairs. I mean, that's the kind of thinking we could have done with other than another wall. Okay, you try doing it. Okay, okay. Seeing as we're having fun, folks, it's time. It's time for a variation on can you see CTV when What I Can See CTV? This is Can You Hear Here TV? What I Can Hear Here TV? I'm going to give you some new locations and instead of

a thing you might see, I'd like you to make a noise you might hear in that place. Tom and Ben. A lot of the Can You See CTV? What I Can See CTV purists aren't sure about this change. They love the format so much. It's ruffle some feathers. Yeah. Or should I say it's... Swoosh, swoosh, swoosh.

Come on. No, come on guys. Fucking hell. That's pretty good. Fucking hell. That's years of comparing. I mean, that is it. So Tom and Ben, you're up first.

You've got your locations. Tom, we'll start with you. Can you give us a noise you might hear in this location? Arf! That's pretty good actually. Do you want to do it again? No. A witch's cauldron. Great.

It's not a witch's cauldron. We're throwing it over. Ben, for Humphrey to guess. Okay. Was that the noise? No. Me-ow. Oh.

Witch's cauldron. Me-ow. Okay, I was going to say, is it the dog cake factory? But do they do cats there as well? Yeah. So someone's harming, it's a place where people harm pets. Yeah, we're back in the sex stage. I love it.

I mean, it's whatever it is, this is a terrible place. Is that a cat? Is that your noise? Yes, it's my turn, isn't it? I think it's, well, where do people hurt pets? The vet. It's the vet, of course it is. The opposite is true, actually.

That is wrong. That isn't what the vet says. Well, why is my dog so scared of going there? Calling her a liar? That was fantastic. That was a great... That's how you play Can You Hear Here TV when I Can Hear Here TV. Finally they're convinced. Four points there to Humphrey. Four points there to Humphrey.

So Humphrey versus Joe, we're going to start with you. Humphrey, a noise you might hear in this location. Ben, you're guessing. Yes. Rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle. Hang on now. Hang on, mine doesn't say Savile's house. I'm fucking. Oh God, you're right, I'm so sorry.

I misread it, really just typing on these is bad. It's 8.27. We've had Prince Andrew Your pot makes this is what happens when we don't book any women. Yeah We've learned a valuable lesson here, I'm still stuck in 2011 That was a good time those sorts of jokes. Yeah. Yeah, is that a man? Well except rattle rattle rattle. What's your? What's your guest? Glucky. Scrooge's bedroom. Is not correct. Good guess but it's not right.

Joe, let's hear a noise from this location. Is it a good guess? Yeah, very kind. It was a guess and we've got to move the game along. Just say that was a guess. That certainly was a guess. Glucky, Glucky. Guess. Just say that was a guess. That certainly was a guess. Clucky, Clucky, guess.

Tom, I'm here. Oh, is it? He's guessing. Oh yes, sorry, I thought I should, yeah, anyway, whatever. Was that your noise? Alright, fucking hell. Oh! Okay.

Stretching the rules of the game to breaking point here. Do you want to hear it again? Yes please, just one more time. Fucking hell. So we've got the noises rattle, rattle, rattle and fucking hell. No but it's the wires. Fucking hell. A snake pit.

It's not Slash's snake pit, no it isn't mate. It was a hell of a guess though mate. Thank you. That was a hell of a guess. That's how you play Clark. Throwing it back over to Humphrey. Another noise from you please. No words. No words. Is it a haunted house? It is a haunted house! Three points there! I'd love to see Wilkinson on a ghost train. Fuck it up. Fuck it up. I thought that was a good clue. You just see the ghost. It was a great clue. It was a great clue.

You just seen a ghost, right? They're not that scary. Is that yours? So, this is Tom versus Humphrey. We'll start with you, Tom. Brand new location. Let's give us a noise you might hear. Oh great.

Ahhhhhhh! Oh no, no, I've done it wrong. You know what, Tom, the first one was perfect. Yeah, yeah, stick with the first one. It was pitch perfect. The first one was perfect. Forget the second one. Don't know.

Let's hear a noise from you, Clark, you're guessing. Do, do, do, do, do. Good at noises. He's good at noises. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm fucking good at noises. He's good at noises. Clark is good at fucking noises. I definitely have a word. Edit it out, edit it out. I do my part in the house. To my wife.

With my wife. Clarky, any idea what that noise might have been? Combining it with Tom's noise, of course. He's in for four points. combining it with Tom's noise of course this is for four points what's the location Clark I'm gonna have to hurry with the location right okay yeah it is a zoo it's not it's not a zoo I'm afraid I can't accept zoo Tom another noise, please You again bending the rules But crucially that's been a girl. Yeah, well, it was it was two noises clearly, but they were attached to each other I'm gonna allow it I'm going to allow it my

hear it again Joe Wilkinson any idea what location we're in based on all the noises you've heard so far This is for three points. Has Ben got it? What is it? I'm gonna say Tesco Metro Good guess. It's a strong guess. Close. It's the best guess we've had so far. It is close Okay Clarky you think you've got it already Humphrey's gonna make one more noise. As is right, this is for three points. Ba da and John. Welcome to Tesco Metro. Oh, Clarky, I'm so sorry.

There's some big fellas in my chest. But we're going to go for one final. This is Ben versus Joe. Wow, it's still happening. One final. Fuck, he's gone too much for a good drink. These pigs are eating this up. They love it.

All right, we're going to start with Clarky. Clarky, a noise you might hear in Jurassic Park. No, sorry. A noise you might hear in this location. Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr When you know what it is, that is super. Christopher Nolan film. Inception. The location is not Inception, no. Fucking hell, is that Jane McDonald? I don't think that clue could have been better. Yeah, it was really good.

You finally got it. It was really good. It's easy. Okay, for three points, for three points, back over to Humphrey and to Ben. Ben make a noise. Humphrey, please guess the correct answer. Hello, I'm Jane McDonald. Cruise ship, cruise ship, cruise ship. The correct answer. Hello, I'm Jane McDonald.

Cruise ship, cruise ship, cruise ship. My favourite Christopher Nolan film. Yes. Cruise ship, cruise ship, cruise ship. That bit when, yeah, Jane McDonald goes into her own dream. So at the end of that, producer Sammy, please make a series of noises that strung together. Tell us what the scores are. That was the scores landing in a long way to go.

So Ben and Humphrey are in the lead, but that doesn't mean that Tom and Joe are making like Billy Baldwin in Sliver. And check it out, that's CCTV. Yes, it's a 31 year old reference from Crosby tonight. There's still everything to play for. We return in part two. CCTV you in a bit. Yay! Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Go back to school with Rogers and get Canada's fastest and most reliable internet. Perfect for streaming lectures all day

or binging TV shows all night. Save up to $20 per month on Rogers internet. Visit rogers.com for details. We got you, Rogers. Welcome back to Flat Shares Slabdown! Oh yeah! Oh yeah! Oh yeah!

Now before the break, Ben and Humphrey were in the lead. What? A commanding lead. A commanding lead. Dominating. The scores haven't changed, but the seedy world of crime Never sleeps. Oh, no. Yeah during the break. Oh, yes is unbelievable

Go on during the break Someone grabbed my coffee and smashed it over my head. I Didn't expect to get tonight Type around do it flat games Let's play together Games! Let's play forever Roll the dice, spin that thing

Put that there, do as you're told Games! If you lose you get nothing Games! If you win you get gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Goal! Goal! Goal! Goal! Goal! Goal! Goal! Goal! Goal! Goal! Goal! Goal! Goal! Goal! Goal! Goal! Goal! Goal! Goal! Goal! Goal! Goal! Goal! Goal! Goal! Goal! Goal! Goal! Goal! Goal! Goal! Goal! Goal! Goal! Goal! Goal! Goal! Goal! Goal! Goal! Goal! Goal! Goal! Goal! Goal! Goal! Goal! Goal! Goal! Goal! Goal! Goal! Goal! Goal! Goal! Goal! Goal! Goal! Goal! Goal! Goal! Goal! Goal! Goal! Goal! Goal! Goal! Goal! Goal! Goal! Goal! Goal! Goal! Goal! Goal! Goal! Goal! Goal! Goal! Goal! Goal! Goal! Goal! Goal! Goal! Goal! Goal! I can't be here, I can't be here, I can't be here. There's a reason we're not invited on! Because you've been in our back pockets the whole time. I know how much you get paid to go on that. Have you been on? No.

I know why. What's the... I think it's three grand. Ooh! I know, I know. For that. It's three and a half. Is it three and a half? It's not! It's three and a half. Is it three and a half?

It's not an auction. Three and a half. We can't get you on the show. Four. Is it normally three and a half? That's annoying. That's hit home quite hard. For you Joe, we'll make you a deal.

So this week we're playing our version of badminton, which we're calling Bad Man Tan. I don't mind that. If you don't enjoy that then why are you here? Joe, I'm going to ask each of our players to sing about a famously orange person to the tune of a classic song about being bad Tom That's how we play Taylor's oldest time Tom we're starting with you Your song is Bad Guys from Bugsie Malone

Oh Billy Eilish That's it Brilliant That's it Now here is your man who's a fan of the San Trope. Joe, who is Tom singing about? Hold on, what's going on? Nothing you said made any fucking sense. You can't just go, what is he now doing? You have to... Just listen to the rhythm. Don't be natural specifics.

You have to keep up. This show moves fast, mate. I don't have to, to be honest. No, you don't have to. He's gonna be singing about a famously orange person to the tune of a song from Bugsy Malone. What bit of that don't you understand? And you've gotta guess who that person is.

Okay, okay, okay. DJ Sammy, you could have been anything you wanted to be, but you were the best at pressing play. ["Pressing Play"] You could have been anything you wanted to be, but you were the best at pressing play. You could have found anything that you wanted to find With all the looking you did You found this thing and it's looking quite good I'm gonna give you a bit of quits. There's an old statue that is over there and it's also quite good. And look at this, oh yes, I think it's made of lovely wood Oh rotten to the core

There we go, such a good song I'll give you 50 quid for that old stamp And give me this, it was owned by a tramp And I'll give you a guitar Yeah, stop now I'll pay you 20 quid, you can go far How do you stop? I know give you a guitar! Yeah, stop now. I'll pay you 20 quid! You can go far and I know what you did! Ow! And here's a poker that goes by the fire!

I can't remember his name. I can't remember his name. I can't remember his name. I don't know how many times I've got a feeling that it's teak but I can't remember his name Oh, and this wonder, da, da, da, da, da, do, do, do And Bill, Bill, I can't give you the money Now, oh, it's real oak. More wood! Yeah, I know that.

I know the reference. The show is not about wood. I know the reference. I know the reference. And I really think I know what you did. I don't know his name. You still don't know his name? If I tell Joe his name, can we end the song?

Tom Perry, everybody! Tom Perry! Now, you know who it is. I know he's gay Now you know who it is. I can picture his face. Give us an explanation of who he is and we'll see if that's enough. He did that? Yeah, yeah. He didn't. It's like the bloke from the telly. He's the bloke from the telly, yes!

Three points. No, you know, the one who... Oh, he's got lovely hair. He's got gorgeous hair, yeah, yeah. And he's tanned. He's famously tanned. And he's to do with antiques, isn't he? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Him. We know who he is. Final answer. Go on, then. David Dickens. David Dickens is correct! That's it, that's the bugger. It's easy when you hear it. The point goes to Humphrey, I'm afraid.

The point goes to Humphrey. That's good, so I'm getting no points. But we've got to give some performance points to you. We've got to give some performance points to Tom. Tom, I thought that was absolutely superb. I am going to give you, you know, but I've got very low standards. I thought it was absolutely superb.

I'm going to give you 8 out of 10. Oh, no, it's me next. Humphrey, yes, you're up next. You have got, we've heard him before, it's Michael Jackson's bad. Now, it would be weird, I'm just gonna, no, it's fine, because there's an elephant in the room. It would be weird not to mention it, but in this case, I'm just asking us all to separate the man and his actions from the song. Yes, Humphrey used to do sketch comedy, but let's not. Let's not let that ruin things.

Ben, guess the tan person before I tan your hide. DJ Sammy, spin that wheel. Really silly. I don't really know how to sing this song. Oh, yeah boy. Here we go. Fucking Chew. Fucking Che boy. Here we go. Fucking Chew.

Fucking Chew. Good Chew. It's a really good Chew. I'm in a sitcom that you know real well. I live with a bunch of people across the stairwell. I'm famous for dressing as an armadillo. But you might know me from the time that I got tanny lotion on my pillow. I'm a character from that very popular thing. I actually don't know how this song really goes.

Shamone! And eehee! I've got a son with a lesbian partner. I believe you know who I am. But I hope you know the specific reference in the television program that I'm talking about. Because I guess it happens in a specific time. And you can't just say the guy's name, because then Matthew will stop even getting the points. Oh, now that's a shame. You're going to have to carry on singing. Oh no! Sorry, man.

Wait, wait. Is he ten? Humphrey Carr, everybody. Humphrey Carr. Now, let's talk about Let's talk about that performance It was very strong It was very very strong, we can agree on that First verse, I thought

You absolutely smashed it Second verse, you incorporated a new rule You added a rule You added a rule That meant I can't now give Clarky the point if he just... I would have accepted the character's name, but by your own rules... It's not what it says here. Yeah, that was the time he was tanned.

But yes, okay, so Clarky, who's the character first of all? Well, it's Roskella. It's Roskella is absolutely correct, yeah. And what's it from? Well, it's from Friends. Yes, yeah, yeah, Ross Geller. It's Ross Geller, it's absolutely correct, yeah. And what's it from? Well, it's from Friends. Three quarters of the way there. And it's when he goes to the tanning booth, he keeps tanning the same side. It's absolutely correct, that's the full point!

Wow. You know what? It's a good episode. Humphrey made that much harder than it needed to be, but you absolutely aced that, Clarky. You get the full point. I pivoted to the right question. Yes! What are we gonna give? Go easy on the bell man. We don't have the insurance for it. I'm having the time of my life!

He's just put a bell through his hand. Bell man, is that when you grew up from being a bell boy? Guys, that's just nice. That's just nice, guys, please. That's free. That's absolutely free. Just a lovely bit of... There's no victims in that.

No, that's it. Why can't comedy be nice? Exactly. It's a kinder, gentler form of comedy. Yeah. You know, not a funnier form of comedy, but crucially it's It's a kindler gentler form of comedy. Yeah. You know, not a funnier form of comedy, but crucially it's kinder and it's gentler. But what are we going to give to Humphrey Carr? I think I'm going to give him nine out of ten points.

No. I'm sorry, I reject that. Okay. I don't deserve nine points. I'm going to give him eleven out of ten points. Whoa. Fair play. I think Tom should have more points than me, but that's...

I'm going to give Tom twelve out of ten points. Yay. No, no. Humphrey needs to have more points than me but that's... I'm gonna give Tom 12 out of 10 points! No no, Humphrey needs to have more than me. Okay, great, 13 points for Humphrey there! Er, great, thank you very much. I've fucking unmugged him off! I could smash it man. That's how they get away with it, that's what they do! That's what they do!

Put your hand through that bell man. Bell man? Don't get me started on bell, man. It's Joe's turn now. Joe, you have Bad Moon Rising by Creedence Clearwater Revival. Tom, who is Joe singing about? DJ Sammy, turn a bad moon into a good song. I'm not comfortable singing. This lady is written on this paper. Just enjoy that lyric for a while.

She likes to go on holiday. She's half tanned. What's your guess? Right, well... I am not comfortable singing. That is all you're getting. Firstly, I've got to say I am not comfortable singing, that is all you're getting. Firstly, I've got to say, 14 out of 10 points. It was beautiful.

Beautiful. It brought a tear to my eye, it really did, that was gorgeous. I felt quite low as well. I love to see you get vulnerable, that's when you're at your best. Yeah, gritty. It had like a C60 vibe. Yeah, it certainly, everything's on the sick. But who was Joe singing about Tom for a point?

Do you want me to recap? Written on the paper. It was written on the paper, yeah. That is the biggest clue. If you had that paper that would be the answer basically like scan all day bit of a turn okay okay Harry any idea it's the it's the woman who's rubbing off on you is she on the on the telly who does holiday shows. Yeah. I wish you were here. Yeah. So I've written Julia. Not Julia. No it's not Julia. Jan. Is it a J? It's J. Yeah.

J Chamberlain. It's not of course Julia Chamberlain who books the junglers. No, it's not her. Well, she must be always on holiday because she never returns my calls. You lucky bastard. I'm going to throw it over to you guys. Do you know who hosted those shows? Hang on, just give us a second. A bit of deliberation. Can we confer? Yeah, we're... Oh, Judith give us a second. A bit of deliberation. Can we confer? Oh, Judith Chalmers finally.

We said we could confer. That is fair, we did, we conferred so they were... Absolutely right. So the point of course goes to both teams. Finally, Ben, you have Bon Jovi's You Give Love a Bad Name. But Humphrey, what famously orange celebrity is Ben rocking out about? It's a very wet envelope. Sorry, I really enjoyed writing that one.

Oh. DJ Sammy, give podcast producers a good name and press play one more time. You give people slaps and you're to blame. You give soft drinks a bad name. You've got to get more points for performance. I already know who it is, but I want to hear more. I'm knackered.

I've shaved off my head and I'm painted orange. I walk around and I slap people down. I'm a bad man and I got bad from the TV Because the adults make children slap each other at school Whoa! It is a bad trick Whoa! It is a bad man

I don't really know the tunes in this song I'm a big man Oh no Hey, hey I don't really know the truth in this song! I'm a big man, oh no! Oh no! Hey! I'm a big man and I'm to blame! I give soft drinks a bad name! Bad name!

Oh my God! Please let me stop! I am knackered, I'm the Tango Man! Oh my God! Oh my god. Guys... There's... No one is going to disagree with 20 points out of 10 for that. No one.

So what's your guess? What's your guess? That's the big one. This is the Tango Man. It's the Tango Man, it's correct! DJ Sammy, with that in mind, what are the scores? With 27 points, we have Tom and Joe. And with exactly 53 points, we have Ben and Humphrey. Everything could change in this next round

because it is worth a crucial one point. It's Beef Brothers! Well, if you've got a problem, don't call it a problem. If you've got a problem, call it a beef. If you've got a beef, maybe we can help you beef from the sorting out your beef. Yes, it's Beef Brothers where each week we ask our panelists to sort out a flat share based beef and today's one comes from Tom Falco, who writes, Whoa. Whoa.

Cool name. Rock me Amadeus. Here we go. Tom Falco. Falco. Falco. It's very rare that a listener gets their own jingle. Falco.

Falco. Tom Falco writes, Pub Landlord Beef. We were banned from the George Inn pub in Beckenham after, ooh. You're right, it is a nice area. 20 minutes into town. Very close.

Sort of Kent, sort of London, best of both. We were banned from the George Inn Pub quiz after nearly two years of quizzing. They handed us our ban via a printed email with three very weak excuses. Now, Tom Falco, that's all he wrote. I can tell you now, Tom and Joe, you are on Tom Falco's side. Ben and Humphrey, you are on the side

of the George Inn pub quiz, okay? But before all of that, let's have a cross-examination, and I think we know what the first three questions are gonna be. Why did you move to Beckham? Why did you move to Beckham? Why did you move to Beckham? Why did you move to Beckham?

Why did you move to Beckham? Why did you move to Beckham? Why did you move to Beckham? Why did you move to Beckham? Why did you move to Beckham? Why did you move to Beckham? Why did you move to Beckham? If that's question one, of course it is.

What do you do for a living? What you do after the show. How old are you? On Thursday. Are you a millennial Falco? I'm over the moon for you. What a lovely moment. Are you worried about missing the moment? I thought you were suspiciously quiet. He's got something.

He's definitely got a pun. Talks through the reasons Falco. What happened there? What were the what were the reasons on the printed printed email? I mean, I've got a whole email which is an au4 piece of paper That's a letter You don't do all of it, but just give us give us the reasons fair you can give us a pricey of the reasons Yeah, so point one one of your member of the team has on the number of occasions over the last few weeks antagonized our new quiz host I advise my client do not read any more

Get the black cat Do the executions and all famously all hosts of quiz is our cocks. That's very true, but... Very true. But I knew when you hadn't written any of them down, I knew it was going to be good. Juicy. So you're antagonizing the quiz master on a number of occasions. That's number one.

Do we dare number two? I mean, for context... No, no, no! Also that's got to be the least spicy one, that's what they let off with. That's the early one. We'll do context in a second, just give us what the George was saying. Number two, apparently we had two people join our team when that was illegal, but they could have docked us Marks and also we wasn't allowed to converse during the questions so when we had answered we weren't allowed to talk anymore. I think they just had to bulk out the reasons. Yeah I think that the first reason is the key one so you've got you were chatting

during the while the quiz master was talking yeah right and you've got extra people to join your team during the during the only one week for only one week Yeah, that's what it takes. Yeah. Yeah, any other questions for Tom Falco here. There was one third point as well Oh, okay. All right, remember and legal chatting that was point Feels like four reasons. Yeah Wow, go on then Falco a third point was a spot prize Someone handed in their answer too late and apparently they still won the prize afterwards even though they knew that it was handing in too late. I think that's on them, that's on the quiz. Let's talk about the nature of the antagonism. What are we talking? Are we

talking like shouting out boring during the quiz or we talking about like brandishing a machete. So we had a regular pub quiz host yeah he was there for about a year year and a half yeah suddenly the landlady wants to take over the pub quiz host thing no she wasn't very good as a host she was giving out. It's like QI all over again. Stand your ground, Tom. Stand your ground. What? What kind of antagonism were you going for there?

Well, apparently the straw that broke the camel's back was that my friend who's a science teacher corrected the pronunciation of an animal. Right. There we go, there we go. So it's a bit of good-natured razzing. Rather than anything violent. Okay, any other questions for Falco? Tom, what's the genesis of your accent? You've got an unbelievable timbre to your voice. I've been living in South East for 30 years.

But the way you speak, it's incredible. The timbre. The timbre. Yeah. It's marvelous, I mean I know. The timbre. The timbre. I think somebody just connected.

The tambour. Can you not correct pronunciation please? The Jeffrey Tambour. That's antagonizing. I mean I know I'm supposed to be banging you up Tom, but that accent is unbelievable. Any other questions that aren't just compliments? Any other questions?

How long were you doing the quiz for, sorry? Two years. How often? Every week, every Wednesday we would turn up. And we had more than six people. So you allowed six people. If we didn't have six people we'd have subs. We was able to build two teams at one point so we was giving them more money.

Fuck. This is odd. What? What the fuck's going on? How... How... What do you mean, build two teams? What? Pub quiz.

Just enjoy yourself. How can you not understand any words? Because he's got a weird voice. But pub quiz, you take the turn out, have a go and go home. Not if you take it as seriously as Falco. Falco, how often did you win the quiz? Yeah, that's quite a lot. We won about two and a half grand.

Fucking hell. The plot thickens. What the fuck? The plot thickens. Two and a half grand, how much was the prize, man? 50 pounds. Two and a half grand. How much was the prize, man? £50. Two and a half grand in two years. We've been doing this for twelve years.

And we have earned £70. It's cost you about eight times that to put on. We could have just been doing a fucking pub quiz. We'd be rich. We couldn't, mate. Two and a half grand. Yeah, make yes a lot of money a lot of money three grand yes the house of gays money nearly house of gays way that now you can't house the games but I don't I think I've had anything did you stop winning when the landlady took over not so it was when new pub quiz teams turned up.

We just decided they need to be better. We just kept on going. If we was going to win, we'd win. I like this lad. I caught this dude. Yeah? Nobody's done anything wrong. No.

Well, that's good, because you're on his side. Are we? Yeah. Cool. So, hopefully that is enough information from Falco for our teams to make their cases. So without further ado, Joe, you're up first. You've got a minute. Now I don't know why, you're up first. You've got a minute.

Now I don't know why, you're not gonna understand what's going on, are you? I'm gonna- Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa! Okay, sorry, no, sorry. Objection, your honor. Let's find out. What do I have to do?

No, I knew it. The defense rests. Oh, we're arguing for what? You gotta get this. You got halfway through a thought there. Oh yeah, we're arguing for what? You got halfway through a thought then. Oh yeah, we're arguing, but for what? Okay, so you've got a minute to make your case, right? You believe that Tom Falco is in the right, he should be reinstated in the pub quiz. You've got a minute to make that case, okay?

These guys on the other side, don't worry about what these guys are doing. That's going to confuse you even more, okay? You've got to put your case forward, you've got a minute to do it for why Tom Falco is in the right, okay? Does that make sense? Oh, 100%. Okay. Your minute begins now.

Don't worry about it. LAUGHTER It's a strong argument and... and 58 seconds to spare as well. Crucially, we all get to go home earlier. So... You're welcome. So to open the case for the defence, I call upon Humphrey Carr. Your minute begins now. Mr Falco, what do you do for a living? I'm a graphic designer.

You're a graphic designer, I see. And so if you're commissioned to produce a piece of work for your place of business, graphic design. And you falsify the work and submit work that is, dare I say, illegal, fraudulent, using members that are not part of your team, but taking credit for their work. And if you harangue the person that has commissioned you, calling them a stupid woman, the lady off QI, how QI's gone downhill, would you expect to continue to work in that place of business? Don't answer that question.

You want a permission to treat the witnesses hostile? Fuck you! Fuck you, you stupid cheat! You took two and a half grand off that pub! Do you know what's happened to the hospitality industry in this country? Thanks to 13 years of conservative mismanagement. You're part of that, you snake. You East London graphic design cunt. Hostility ended, Your Honour. Fair play. Good work.

We've got some work to do now, Tom. So, did well. We've got some work to do now Tom. So, did you say we've got some work to do? I'll be honest, I've done us a bum's dear. You could have done more with your time. It's like the bullseye, it's like the first throw, I was throwing it into the floor. Now, I'm not going to lie Joe, it's been a shift all night. Yeah, fair, fair. Tom?

You know when you look down in the footprints in the beach, I've been carried you mate. Yeah, yeah, you have. Tom Falco. Weirdly you're the one who looks like Jesus. I do. Tom Falco, I have to ask you, how do you think it's going so far? Yeah, yeah, fine. I do love this guy.

Don't worry about it. I love my umbrella. Don't worry about it. Yeah, don't worry about it. Okay. No remorse. Zero remorse. You've had your time.

Sorry, apologies, Your Honor. You might want to stand up. So, Tom, Your Honor. You might want to stand up. Tom, are you going to be making your case, you're going to open now, or open, conclude the case. Well, basically you're going to say some more words than Joe said. But are you going to do this as yourself?

I'm going to do it in the style of a Deep South defense lawyer called Mr. Fanshawe Stanton. Fanshawe Stanton. Presidinghawe Standon. Yeah! Presiding and providing your minute should you need it begins now. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury. I recognise some of you there from the queue for the bakery. A lot of them there lawyers there from the big city with their fancy words. Their highfalutin' sentences.

Round here we simple folk. We homegrown folk. We spittin' the pie. We stroke the cats. I got one thing to say, y'all, hell, you can say it with me. Don't y'all worry about it. The defense rests, your honor.

So, Clarky, it's down to you now to... Bring it home? To conclude the case for the defense. This really could go... Can I concede my time to Joe Wilkinson? We've had enough from him. Your minute, Ben Clark, begins now. Listen man, here's the thing...

Or woman. Here's the thing, right, these people, these fucking people, they go to pub quizzes. We used to, we used to bully nerds, and now they're out earning two and a half grand at At 50 pounds a pop by my my mass he must have What about six times that pub quiz or more or more or maybe more? We let him get away with it. We need to we need to close up man these people. Oh, yeah I know that wall of China is long Bit worried where that was going. I know about the capital of Turkey or chickens Reclaiming our time reclaiming our time, reclaiming our time.

A very long laugh. I'm just going to close with worry about it. Oh, very strong, very, very strong. Now I cannot make the decision myself as I want to be mates with Tom Falco. So if, but if you think Tom Falco and therefore Joe and Fanshawe are in the right, I would like you to applaud now. That's mad. That's pretty loud.

That's bad. Yeah. Pretty a small, but vocal, I think minority. Let's find out. If you think Humphrey and Ben made the best case, please applaud now. Woo! Woo!

Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! See you in hell, Falco. How do you feel about the result, Falco? I mean, I was hoping to send this via a trust pilot,

but I'll avoid it now. No. No. Big thanks to Tom Falco everybody! Now it is time to hear my favourite song of all time. So whilst I pop on my Walkman and listen to Hadaway's What Is Love, you can all enjoy the quick fire and jingle! Hello! Which is why it's always so amusing that it has a long introduction Ooh, how very droll it has a long introduction

Though the round is really quick Q, I guess, is obviously for quickly U is for underway because this jingle is underway yes we're underway I is for I think this is a really funny joke. C is four, can we start the quickfire round soon? K says, kick it in the dick. F says, fuck's sake we are Ooh, fuck's sake

Still singing the jingle I says, I know R says, really? Does it go on this long? And E, it it says every time every fucking time And J stands for jingle. The I is for... I can't believe it! And N is for never very quick. G is for going still.

I can't believe it! L is for long. Gorilla long jingle. And the E is for everybody loves a long jingle. So that's Q-U-I-C-K-F-I-R-E-J-I-N-G-L-E, Quickfire Jingle. Ooh, I still can't believe it. It all spells Quickfire Jingle. So let's get on with the Quickfire round.

Q-I-I-C-K-F-I-R-E-R-O-U-N-D-E-S, the quick fire round. There we have it. Yes, this is the quick fire round. And as our show is all about CCTV, we've clung to that theme, haven't we? And for dear life, I'd like you to give your answers in the style of Marcus Bentley, the bloke from Big Brother, by putting them into a sentence that our Marcus might say, so the answer will never just be the Eiffel Tower, it will be something like, Dear 35, and the Eiffel Tower's coming to the dairy room You don't have you don't have to do your make an accent. That's up to you

How are your Geordie accents by the way better than mine Tom, how's your Geordie? Oh, I don't Very good, very good. Joe. How's your Geordie accent? I don't think I'm going to find out. No, sure. Huffrey? Hawir. Hawir. And, uh, Clarky? Uh, yes, the tune. Increasingly better and better. Um, instead of buzzers, you're going to shout out your first names. Off we go.

In the movie Free Willy, what sort of animal was Willy? Ben. Ben. Day two. And the... And the... Fuck it. The killer whale's in the hot tub.

Absolutely correct. That's a point to Clarky. Who hosts the TV show Lorraine? Tom. Tom. Oh no! The killer whale's in Lorraine Kelly in the hot tub! On day four. He's been in the hot tub! On day four! He's been in that hot tub for two days.

It's basically a porpoise now. The killer whale does have to stay in the hot tub. Well, that's true. But he can't go anywhere else. What is the breakfast food that's made by heating bread? Humphrey. Humphrey. Day five.

And following the destruction of Lorraine Kelly by the killer whale in the hot tub, David Dickinson is devastated to find out they've run out of toast. Good. What does CCTV stand for? Tom. Tom. Oh no. By the way, he never editorialises. He never gives his opinion on how bad things have gone. Yeah, but the killer whale stuff. He must have to. He's off the reservation. All bets are off. It's day 10. That hawk is still feasting on the remains of Lorraine Kelly,

but I don't have a say in what that is, because I stay very neutral to it. Dickinson's finished his toast, and I'm looking at the closed circuit television, but I feel nothing. I feel nothing. Which superhero has been played by, among others, Toby Maguire, Andrew Garfield and Tom Holland? Humphrey. Dear 16, following the almost total collapse of what passes for society now Bridget Nielsen accuses David Dickinson of stealing her spider-man pajamas I remain unable to sustain an erection.

Who released the album Stars of CCTV? Tom. Tom. I think it might be day 52. I've been maintaining an erection for three nights and days now because of listening to the hard fight. Is correct. Formed in 1864, what is the oldest football club in Wales? Humphrey.

Humphrey. Day 110, while the programmers stop broadcasting, the survivors remain within the house. The only thing that keeps them happy is the thought of returning to the best town in North Wales, Wrexham. It's correct! Association Football Club, is that the correct answer? It's correct, yeah. Of what phrase does Mary Poppins claim if you say it loud enough you'll always sound precocious? Day 265. Yes, Ben. I'm completely numb.

Supercalifragilistic ex-pialidocious. Fuck you. It's correct. And finally, this is just for Joe. What an arsehole. On the TV show, House of Games, what is the average feet note? No, that's not the truth. I misread that. I misread that. I misread that.

I misread that. I misread that. I misread that. I misread that. What an arsehole. On the TV show House of Games, what is the average feet note? No, that's not a foot note. I misread that. This is just for Joe. Tinky Winky, Dipsy, La La and Poe are collectively known as what? Posse. It is incorrect. It was the Teletubbies. But that is the end of that round and the end of the game. It's incorrect, it was the Teletubbies, but that is the end of that round and the end of the game! So before we find out the final scores, Humphrey and Joe, anything to plug? Humphrey?

Yes, sure. Go watch League 2 football. Watch League 2 football. Joe? Couldn't agree more. There we go. Thanks to all of you here tonight for watching. As always check out our Patreon, patreon.com forward slash papi's flat share, like, subscribe, rate and review our podcast or recommend the podcast to all of your friends. It's League 2 podcast. So producer Sammy, let's hear the final scores. Tom and Joe have 30 and Ben and Humphrey have 58. Oh!

So Tom and Joe are checking the CCTV, but Ben and Humphrey are using it to make a sex tape that I'll put on the Patreon. £10 here naturally. Thanks to our guests, Humphrey Carr and Joe Wilkinson. We've been Pappies. See you next time on... Flash Test Lambda! Pappies. See you next time on Flash Desk Lambda. It was produced by him of course and big thanks to everyone at the Phoenix, to all the wonderful folks who came to today's show and to all of you at home for listening.

Patley's Flashless now there as a single news production by Acast and the internet. Cheers everyone, bye! What a lovely episode. What a great episode it was. So great to have our pals with us back where they belong, out of Wrexham and Gilligan respectively. I've never known there'd be a podcast with five men and so little testosterone. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Listen. That's very true. It's very, very anti Joe Rogan.

Yeah, it really is. I think Joe Wilkinson is the anti Joe Rogan. He gets vaccinated every day. He's constantly being vaccinated. He never, never stops. I don't know if Joe Rogan's an anti-vaxxer, but you know. I think he is. I think he's anti most things that make sense. He talks a lot of sense is what you're saying. Yeah. I love him. Do check out the podcast. I've got to say guys, once you've got out of watching Wolverine and Deadpool, once you've watched the Netflix series, once you've read Joe Wilkinson's book, the Joe Rogan podcast guys, honestly, there's so many, he's had so many great guests on,

all of whom have got really unproblematic Wikipedia pages. got really unproblematic Wikipedia pages. Just a lot of good guys. Does he ever have any women on it? Well, I mean, let's not throw that stone in this glass house. That's a good point. Let's not. In an all white male lineup, I don't think we need to be going down that route and pointing that finger. But these things balance themselves out over the course of a season, although

I don't think this season they have done. Anyway, let's remind you again of the Patreon address, patreon.com forward slash Pappi's Flat Share. We'd also love you to go and see if you're up at the fringe this year, go and see any of the shows that we have been working on. There's no Pappi's show this year, but there are shows that we have been working on. There's no there's no Pappy show this year but there are shows that we have had a sort of small hand in directing or a large hand in directing depending on which one we're talking about small hand in my case. Which hand? Paris has had her absolutely massive. He's had goalkeepers hand since he was a toddler. Well I mean yeah he can make five coffees at once that guy. It's why he's so good at this stuff.

Absolutely. Yeah. You think he's wearing signet rings? No, they're espresso cups. And he, yeah, so he is working on Adam Rich's show, which I believe is called Jimmy. I think is, and that's at Summer Hall in the theatre section. Adam Rich is an absolutely brilliant, one of the best. Comedic performer, winner of the Edinburgh Comedy Award,

but it's taken over to the theatre section this year. I'm also working on Eric Rushton's show, Eric Rushton, a brilliant Midlands comedian. I'm drawn to Midlands comedians. I can't resist them. I can't resist the allure of working with Midlands comedians. Eric's show is called Real One.

It's not over at the Monkey Barrel. Go and see that, it's absolutely fantastic. Abby Clarke is at The Pleasance. Eric's show is called Real One. It's over at the Monkey Barrel. Go and see that. It's absolutely fantastic. Abby Clark is at the Pleasance. She's wonderful. Her show is called Role Model. It's a very, very funny show. I should check that out. And then George Lewis's show. I'm not entirely sure where George is but he's not started his Fringe run until like the end of the month. So go and see him. George Lewis. absolutely brilliant. And Clarkie. Yes. I'm directed Nick Sampson, yellow power ranger. Uh, that's please, please go watch it.

It's well, we know Nick from the last episode of beef brothers, he was absolutely, absolutely brilliant. Keep Nick in cutlery by going to see his show and Christopher Hall, a girl for all seasons, which is in the assembly ballrooms. Go check it out. I love Christopher Hall. Absolutely brilliant. The stuff he does online with Grace Campbell, I think is really brilliant. So I was delighted to hear you were working with him. Yeah. So, even if you're not up at the Edinburgh Finch festival if these people come your way in the post

Edinburgh, you know tours or anything like that do go and see them because they're all fantastic for highly highly highly recommended, right? Well, good luck to good luck to you the listener. Good luck to you. Clarky. Good luck to Tom wherever he may be I'm still waiting on that. Oh flat white. I'm sure it'll be coming along any second now. This episode was produced by Emma Corsham. Corsham team. Cheers everyone. Bye. Go back to school with Rogers and get Canada's fastest and most reliable internet. Perfect for streaming lectures all day or binging TV shows all night. Save up to $20 per month on Rogers Internet.

Visit rogers.com for details. We got you. Rogers.