Pappy's Flatshare - Slamdown w/ Joe Lycett & Lulu Popplewell (Feed the Fish) S14E23

Episode Date: July 1, 2024

Neither “Tom!” nor “Ben!” want to feed the fish… so Matthew says we’re gonna have to have a flatshare slamdown!Matthew Crosby, Ben Clark and Tom Parry Wicks recorded live at The Phoenix in Cavendish Square with guests Lulu Popplewell & Joe LycettWithLulu Popplewell - https://www.instagram.com/lulubirdpopplewellJoe Lycett - https://www.instagram.com/joelycettPappy’s - https://twitter.com/pappystweetPappy's Insta - https://www.instagram.com/pappyscomedy/Support us on Patreon - https://www.patreon.com/pappysflatshareFind tickets to all our live shows here - pappyscomedy.com/liveEdited by Emma Corsham Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

From your ghost lent the most the Academy Award nominated director of poor things and the favorite comes kinds of kindness a darkly hilarious and unpredictable film that critics are calling mind bending Lee brilliant featuring an all star cast led by Emma Stone Jesse Plemons and Willem Dafoe kinds of kindness is a wild ride that will leave audiences discussing the experience long after it's over. Don't miss kinds of kindness now playing in select theatres. Greetings, listener dear, I'm Tom. I'm Ben. And I am Matthew and welcome to another exciting episode of Pappies. Welcome. Sorry. It's okay.

No, that's all right. I feel like the sentence has come to a natural conclusion Join I wanted to join in the welcome before people realize what they would be welcome to Let's make it extra warm Clarkie. Come on. Get off your chair. Welcome him in come on everybody Just say now a very warm Well, welcome welcome And if I could just say now, a very warm welcome. Welcome. Welcome. To Pappy's Flat Share Slamdown.

Our flagship show. It's our flagship show. It really is the cream of the crop. It rises to the top of every month. You get it on the first Tuesday of the new calendar month. and indeed July Doth hasten apace. Oh no, this is bad stuff. Every bit of it. Well welcome any new listeners and goodbye. Almost immediately. Lovely to see you. Sorry to see you go.

Well anyway, let's get into this. It's a lovely treat this week. We have got two amazing guests in the form of Lulu Popperwell and Joe Lysit. Oh, yes. Two dear friends of the pod. Joe's been on the show a few times before and it was Lulu's first slam down, but she's done a Beef Brothers Cold Cuts, which is well worth seeking out because it was a very, very fun episode. But yeah, let's let's not mess around too much. I'll say one thing.

If you are a fan of this podcast, welcome. Firstly, yes. Firstly, if you're a fan, very much welcome. Secondly, and get yourself over to the Patreon. A couple of things, a couple of things the Patreon, that you get a bonus episode every single week, Flat Share pop round. And it really is tremendous. It's tremendous fun. It's a sort of silly freewheeling conversation. There's a real dialogue with the listeners as well.

It's the one show on acid, isn't it? That's what we're going with. It's the one show on acid. Oh, God. I can't. I mean i i love you to pieces tom but you're having a shocker today honestly honestly i just i we we didn't gain any but we lost all of our patrons in that sentence alone we lost all of our patrons and two of our hosts. Finally. Let's get down to brass tacks. Anyway patreon.com forward slash papi's flat share. Get yourself over there. I think we've said enough about the patron. And if you by the way, if you if you do if you do fancy

just checking it out, finding out what it's all about. Yeah. There's you can join for seven days for absolutely free before you have to spend any money at all. And if you at the end of seven days, you think, you know, that that's for me, then you can carry on. And if you don't, then you can leave and no money will be taken from you. So seven day free trial. Join today, patreon.com forward slash Pappi's Flat Share.

Welcome. You've got nothing to lose there. So get on board the Patreon. forward slash Pappy's flat share welcome you've got nothing to lose there so get on board the patreon but first enjoy this month kicker offer flat share slam down you gotta be Tom Ben! What is it you're sweet piece of ass? Tom and Ben you cheeky little... Oh sorry no I wasn't talking to you Tom and Ben I was talking to Tomahawk and Bendymuss my darling goldfish. You know they are absolutely famished one of you two has got to feed the fish today. Oh, well it's not going to be Ben. Oh no, Clarke.

It's not going to be you. Before the show he was like, I think I should go first. I panicked, I panicked, I panicked. Listen, Tom has lost confidence. And it's up to you to help us out. It's not going to be me, Matthew. I'm still traumatized actually when my childhood goldfish died and had to flush it down the toilet.

And even worse, the next day, my dog died and had to flush him down the toilet as well. Little known fact, actually, that's why they have that two, they invented that two button flush in the toilet. Fish dog. Fish dog, yeah. Carp or box? Well, you make a very compelling case, Fish dog. Fish dog, yeah. Carpet box.

Well you make a very compelling case, but I'm fascinated to hear what Tom's got to say. Well, it's not going to be me Matthew. I've had a terrible time with fish. My friend used to work at a power plant and he gave me a fish tank. And I got it home and I looked in the fish tank and some of the fish, well I'll tell you all of the fish, they weren't old. I'll tell you that for nothing, they weren't old. And they were all transparent. And that night my house exploded. Turns out the fish tank had nuclear fishing. Should have gone first. Nuclear fishing? I would open with it. I'd open with that. Nuclear fission? I would open with it. I'd open with that.

Can you say all that again so I can write it down? Well listen, there's only one way to settle this. We're going to have to have a... Flash it, slam it down! Flash it, slam it down! Someone get the slam it down! Flash it, slam it down! Yay! Let me share it with you, please. Someone get the Slam Down. Flat Share Slam Down! Slam Down! Absolutely right.

And great to have Chad Smith of the Red Hot Chili Peppers here. To accompany us on that. On that theme tune. See you later, Chads. Thanks for coming. He'll be there for the closing theme, don't worry about that. Hello and welcome to Flat Share Slam Down. The panel show that says,

Thank you for coming home, sorry that the chairs are all worn. I left them there, I could have sworn. These are my salad days, slowly being eaten away. Just another play for today. Oh but I'm proud of you fucking proud of you nothing left to make me feel small luck has left me standing so tall Goldfish Always believe in your soul You've got the power to know you're indestructible

Always believe in You are goldfish I'm Notanand or Matthew Crosby Let's meet my tiddlers, it's Tom Parry and Benedict Clark Yay! Ha ha Remarkable, remarkable, remarkable But you, Tom and Ben, you can't feed the fish on your own

Who have you brought to remind them every three seconds that they've got to chew? Ben I import my friend Lulu Boppelwild! Lulu! Lulu, it is great to have you on the podcast. What a pleasure to have you on. Now, what kind of a person are you to live with? Bad. Okay, who have you brought?

I live alone, so I would say that. Okay, fair enough. When you've lived with other people, how would they describe you beyond bad? What are your bad traits that you're bringing to a household? Unpredictable chaos, bipolar. Okay, all right, you are allowed to use full sentences if you want. No, no, no. But that's your unpredictable nature coming through.

Yeah. I mean, I was going to ask how that manifests itself, but it's a proper or full-on medical condition. Yeah, yeah. We don't need to go down that alley. Any funny stories from your bipolar past and present? I have a fish story. Oh, yeah?

When we were little, me and my sister had goldfish and I came home one day and her goldfish was really fat and mine was just a tail in the bottom of the tank. No, no, no. It's not funny. No, it's harrowing. It's kind of funny.

Yeah, she was delighted. Yeah, did you think that, was that your relationship at home? Very symbolic of- She was very much the alpha. You'd often wake think that was that your was that your relationship? Very symbolic. He was very much the alpha. Yeah. You'd often wake up and she'd be nibbling your toes. That kind of came. That's a thing. Can I double check? Was her fish a shark?

It's just a fat cunt. It was. That is nowhere to speak about, Tom. Now. That's kind of is actually. Well, Tom, who have you brought with you this week? Well, the Jamborees in danger Matthew. We've been ripping off our customers left, right and centre. So I've brought in someone who's going to work undercover to expose ourselves. It's Joe Lysett.

Joe Lysett is here. Thank you very much for coming back on the podcast. Now when we were explaining what the rules were prior to the show, you have no memory of being on this podcast at all, do you? No. Because I said, oh, the chore we're trying to avoid doing is feed the fish, and you were like, what? What's that? Yes.

Well, I do remember being on the podcast, but that's it. We do have that effect on people. Yes. Yes, well I do remember being on the podcast, but that's it We do have that effect on people. Yes, and I remember that there was three men involved. Yes strange men And you remember what any of them look like? one of them Had the sort of Brown hair of a failed film star. Long brown gorgeous smile. We're famous for our long brown smiles.

You don't want to know how he got those. But it's got us nowhere in this biz, let me tell you. Another had less hair on his head, but a gorgeous smile still. Sinister vibe around him. A bit touchy, a bit touchy, I'd say. Bit touchy, bit overconfident, I'd say. Strongly confident, yeah.

Got him a long way. And then the other one was so small, I couldn't see him. I just heard him as if down a well. For the at-home listener, I do perform behind a magnifying glass. For the live audience here. But what kind of a person are you to live with, Joe? What are you like? Great question. I have discovered, because I live with my partner now, that I am an unusually big fatter.

Oh really? Which I didn't realise, but I have a thing that I can't burp. It's got to come out somewhere. Exactly, and it's like a physical thing, it's a medical condition, and I literally can't do it, so it has to go somewhere. My partner said that sometimes sleeping next to me is like sleeping, these are her exact words, on the inside of a shit. Oh no. Yeah. So, but otherwise I'm lovely. I'm lovely to...

Apart from that. Yeah. Can we just ask that you don't fall asleep at any point during this podcast? Yes, fine. We'll just try and keep you as lively as possible. Can we get Joe a coffee if that's... Oh, actually no, coffee's a bad idea. No, yeah.

So, we've met our guests. Let's see who will be a fishy on a little disy when the boat comes in as we play round one. I notice you've been careful to not be sued for this music. Goldfish! I'm a fish, the fish with the three seconds. Oh wait, where was I? Oh yes, I'm a goldfish Reckon I have a memory like a gold A gold something

View, Mercifully Brief Oh, I love it. Beautiful stuff there from Tom and Ben. The first round is called Fish. Not bad. It's not good. So the first round is called Book, Line and Thinker. I'm going to give each player the title and... And if you don't enjoy that, what are you doing? You should know us by now.

If you don't know us, you'll never know us. Don't enjoy it quietly. That's good stuff. I'm going to give each player the title and back cover blur from a book that I found on a wall outside my neighbor's house. By wall outside, I mean bookshelf inside, and by neighbor's house, I mean my house. By wall outside I mean bookshelf inside and by neighbors house I mean my house. I would like them to give me three first lines from their book. One of which will be real, the other two will be made up on the spot. The opposite team has to work out for a point

which one is the true work of literary genius. If they get it wrong the point goes to the player. So we'll start with Tom, here you go. Here is your book. Your book is Chris Evans of TFI Friday fame. It's his third memoir and it's called Call the Midlife. Now the the back... No, actually that's a good title. So the back page reads like this. 50 shades of ginger. A countdown to our man's half century, including a secret marathon. The TFI Friday comeback no one could have predicted,

plus the surprise job offer for the biggest TV show in the world. That's with five U's. The Chinese say, where's this gonna go? Don't do the voice. The Chinese. I can't do a Chris Evans impersonation, where's this gonna go? There's, don't do the voice. The Chinese, I can't do a Chris Evans impersonation, it's fine. The Chinese say crisis equals opportunity.

You're not kidding. Tom, give us three potential first lines, Ben and Lulu, which of these lines is the real opener? For Call the Midwife, more Call the Midlife by Chris. Oh, I've just got it. opener for Call the Midwife, more Call the Midlife by Chris Evans. Tom, let's hear the first of the three lines. Okay. Colour me 40 on 50. I regret that. I regret that early doors.

Tom, Tom, remember, poker face in this game. I regret that. I regret that. Can I have that one back? I'm not sure it's that one. So colour me 40 on 50. You want that to be stricken from the record, do you? So we're not working as a team on this one.

You're working as a team. These guys are guessing. Oh, I think it's that one. There we go. Teamwork makes the dream work and that was a beautiful example of it. Do you want to do another one or are you happy with that as being your first one? Can I go for Colour Me 30, I'm 40? No.

Okay. Okay, so you've got Colour Me 40, I'm 50, two more to go. If this is a bluff, it's incredible. Years! Huh, good god. What are they good for? Turning 40. I regret that one as well. It's tough this game. It's tougher for us weirdly. I'm just gonna reread the first line of the back. 50 Shades of Ginger.

A countdown to our man's half century. Just... But it's the pro... it's the prologue. Can I have that one back? Years hurt, what are they good for? Turning 50. Say it again. Say it again.

Okay, so we've got here. He's not wrong. No, yeah. Color me 40. Color me 40, I'm 50. Yeah, sure. Yeah. And we've got years her good God.

What are they good for? Turning somebody. 50. Yeah, 50. Turning 50. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Or.

Or the real one. Bollocks, bollocks, bollocks. Oh, that's opened the game wide up. It really has. It's really man spread the game there, hasn't it? So, what are you thinking? Talk us through the board. And by the board I mean the audience. I think it's bollocks, bollocks, bollocks personally. I too think it's bollocks, bollocks, bollocks personally. I also think it's bollocks.

Is that your final answer? Yeah. Lock that in. I think you should. You're happy with that? Yeah, yeah. I wouldn't say I'm happy with it. Well, I can tell you now that the first line of Call

the Midlife was... It's bollocks, bollocks. It's bollocks, bollocks, bollocks. How do we do it? It's an early lead for Clarky. Can he maintain it? There's a picture here of Chris Evans on The Wands Show. Oh, yeah.

Jamie Cullum. I haven't heard of Jamie Cullum for ages. Oh, you've got to listen to Radio 2. Give me a cheer if you've heard of Jamie Cullum in the last while. Yeah. Not many people talk about Jamie Cullum. Just check, give me a cheer if you are Jamie Cullum. In fact, everyone stand up.

So Lulu, you're up next. Your book is from the Spiritual Interviews series and is entitled John Lennon's Message from Heaven by Ryuho Okawa. Yes, it's a book of interviews a Japanese man claims to have recorded with John Lennon from heaven. Great. That's the stuff. I'll tell you what, imagine there is a heaven. That's the stuff.

I'll tell you what, imagine there is a heaven. Say, the blurb tells us, in these pages, you will learn the inner spiritual essence of John Lennon and the heavenly aspect of the rock music that helps people and the world. But Lulu, what is the first line of John Lennon's message from heaven by Ryuho Okawa? Okay, is it... Knock knock, who's there? It's me, John, brackets Lennon. John brackets Lennon he had a sense of he had a sense of human he had a sense of humor he was famously the funny one is it mr. John Lennon mr. John Lennon, Mr. John Lennon, could you come down here Mr. John Lennon? If either of them aren't it, I'm going to write both of those books. Are any of those Lennons in brackets?

Not this time. Okay, third one. I had to go through Yoko but I got there eventually. Tom, can I just say now that is how you play. What was the second one? Thank you. Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! What was the second one? It's John Lennon, John Lennon, come down here, John Lennon. Mr. John Lennon, Mr. John Lennon, yeah. Okay, so we've got a knock knock joke.

We've got, would you mind popping downstairs? Another one. Yes, works for heaven. And then the final one was. I had to go through Yoko, but I got that. I had to go through Yoko, but I got that. I had to go through Yoko, but I got that. What are you thinking, Tom, Joe, what are you thinking? Oi, right.

I'm taking number one off the board. Oh yeah. There isn't a board. A brain board. The famous brain board. A brain board. Step on to my brain board. The old brain board. Yeah, okay. Step in, step onto my brain board. No.

No. Not again. Fool me twice. So you've got, you think it's two or three, you think it's either- Surely. John Lennon, Mr. John Lennon, come down here, and all the, I had to get through Yoko, but I got there.

Did you know what the second one's got a hint of? Dr. Jones by Aqua. Yes. John Lennon, John Lennon, Mr. John Lennon, John Lennon, John Lennon, step down here. Step down here. If the next line is, baby I've been missing you. Is that Paul McCartney? It's gonna... You go, you go. I just wanna say, this is incredible.

So first off, right, the interviewer says, the guardian spirit of Mr. Paul McCartney came here several times. And John Lennon says, yes, he's been helping to publicize about me. Like he really needs it. Where did you find this book? This was in a, I think a Sue Rider or no, it was a British Heart Foundation in Borenwood. Right.

Story checks out. Yeah. John, what do you think? I'm trying to work out if the name of the author is an anagram for Matthew Crosby I Think it's the second oh, that's interesting. I think it's the second one the acqua one How does that chime with your brain board there Tom? Yeah, it's still on the brain board famously with your brain board there Tom? It's still on the brain board famously. Famously locked on the brain board. Didn't take it off the brain board although I'm now on the brain board. Yeah, you've been sucked in. Yeah I'm riding on the brain board. How does it feel? Well I'm confused of the physics of it so the other the

two the two that haven't been taken off the brain board are they are fixed in some way or are they gonna come off in the wind as we're moving on the brain board? I had visualized us surfing the brain board. Oh, I see. Well, I don't know if that helps. Okay, so help the podcast. We've got two answers.

Joe's, which is number two, please. I think Joe's got a good note. Number two. Number two, please. Number Number two please. Can we have the first line of the interview with John Lennon from heaven. Lulu. Mr John Lennon, Mr John Lennon, could you come down? There we go. The old brain board works again. Come down now. Come down now. Joe, you are up next. Of course that's a points to Joe and Tom, but Joe you're up next and your book your book is parsnips buttered by

One of my one of my favorites of the new style of comedian Joe Lysett now do you know do you know it without looking? Think so Do you know it without looking? I think so. I've gone for the first line of the introduction. I think that's a strong start. Now the book is Passed If It's Buttered by Joe Lysett. Joe writes, in this book I've attempted to solve each and every one of life's problems. I have succeeded. Politics, family, parking fines, done, done, and done, and done, done. After reading these pages, your worries will live

softly into the air like a glorious fish, if it is a flying fish, very thematically on point here, or one of those balloons that look like a fish. Using letters, emails, and tweets, I will show you how the things in life that make you feel sad or anxious can appear trivial, insignificant, and like a fish. In short, I will butter your how the things in life that make you feel sad or anxious can appear trivial insignificant and like a fish in short I will butter your parsnips, but Shit, doesn't it?

Yeah, I put the brain board what Ben Lulu have you read Joe's book of course I didn't write it so I don't know. And not only Joe's book, I've read many books. Well let's hear three potential first lines from A Past that Was Buttered by Joe Lysett, from Joe Lysett, Lulu and Ben. Which one is the real one? buttered by Joe Lysett from Joe Lysett, Lulu and Ben. Which one is the real one? It was the summer of 2004, and I was trapped in a lift with Lawrence Fox. I'm so sorry if that's true. Joe was the one who put him on his path. I suddenly got very itchy then, I don't know why.

Something coming home to roost. Life is hard. We are a bombarded generation. Oh, that's good. That's good. OK. Or to find your dirty prostitute's name, take your mother's surname and put her first name

in front of it. So, was it Lawrence Fox, was it a bombarded generation, or was it your mother is a dirty prosie? Oh, that's really good stuff. Lulu, how is that floating your brain board? Oh, that's really good stuff. It's good stuff. Lulu, how is that floating your brain board? I don't believe Joe's not going to use the term sex worker, so I think that one's out. Oh, okay.

Didn't want to be cancelled. It was a different time. It looks like Joe's getting cancelled. Somebody's calling the publisher in the morning, pulp them all! Rico Rico! You should really hop into a lift with a new pal and start drafting an email. Okay. What was the second one? We're a bombarded generation.

Oh, it was racist or something. I don't know. We're a bumper-clad generation. Just remind myself of what it was now. You've fallen off the bright board there Tom. The first one was, it was the summer of 2004 and I was trapped in a lift with Lawrence Fox. The second one was, life is hard, we're a bombarded generation.

And the third one is the appalling redacted joke. There's real spice in this round now. They're skinning the game. There's real spice in this round now. They're skinning the game. So prostitute isn't the word that you should shout at them now? I told you Joe, my mum doesn't like it! I hope it is that one now. For you it's a win-win, you either get a point or you get the answer right.

So which one are you going to go for? What do you think? I think the first one, but then'd do like the sex worker one. I'm not, you can say prostitute if you like. Finally! I think it's Lauren Fox. Yeah, me too. Let's go for that. Joe Lysett. Does anyone remember Jamie Cullum? The first line of my book is, to find your dirty prostitute. No! Take your mother's surname.

2016, come on, 2016. No, too recent. Nearly a decade ago. I don't want to be the fun police. We've all learnt a lot since then. So, finally, Ben. So, we're going to have an interval, we'll be back with a different guest.

Sorry. Not you, don't worry. I'm not going to be the fun police. I'm going to be the fun police. I'm going to be the fun police. Sorry. Not you, don't worry. Can you imagine? You lose it. My God, imagine. Yeah, please welcome back Joe Lysette-Lawrence Fox, everyone. Now let's get into it, come on. Joe is now frantically rereading his own book. He's got a sharpie out, he's scribbling.

His words just jumping out at him. I'm going to have to get a little bit of a break. I'm going to have to get a little bit of a break. I'm going to have to get a little bit of a break. I'm going to have to get a little bit of a break. I'm going to have to get a little bit of a break. I'm going to have to get a little bit of a break. I'm going to have to get a little bit of a break.

I'm going to have to get a little bit of a break. I'm going to have to get a little bit of a break. I'm going to have to get a little bit of a break. I'm going to have to get a little bit of a break. I'm going to have to get a little bit of a break. I'm going to have to get a little bit of a break. I'm going to have to get a little bit of a break. I'm going to have to get a little bit of a break. I'm going to have to get a little bit of a break. I'm going to have to get a little bit of a break. I'm going to have to get a little bit of a break. I'm going to have to get a little bit of a break. Let's get into it, come on. Joe is now frantically rereading his own book. He's got a Sharpie out, he's scribbling.

Just jumping out at him. So, Ben, you're... I said, what about trans people? Those ghost writers are getting sacked in the morning. Frosty. Yes, Matthew. I've already cashed the check, come on. So Ben, your book is The Husband's Secret by Leanne Moriarty. Now here we go.

Mother of three and wife of Jean Paul, Cecilia discovers an old envelope in the attic written in her husband's hand. It says to be opened only in the event of my death. Curious, she opens it and time stops. Sounds good, right? So here we go. Ben, you're going to give us three lines, three opening lines from The Husband's Secret by Leanne Moriarty, Tom and Joe, which is the real line. It's funny. He likes it. He likes words.

You know what they were red-roping for? Words cheer him up. Chapters. Chapter one. Chapter two. Discovery. Chapter three. Cross. That's the first one? Discovery, chapter three, cross.

That's the first one? Great. Taxes. If you say preface now. It was all because of the Berlin Wall. The Berlin Wall? Yeah. I've Wall. Yeah. I've heard of it.

I woke up angry. Is this the same one? This is Ben's diary. This is the third one. This is the third one, yeah. Right. Is there a comma between up and angry? You've not slept on the Berlin Wall. It's not the same sentence.

It's not David Hasselhoff's diary. You left a pause between up and angry, so I'm wondering whether that's you naturally performing. Yeah, no, I mean, I know that was... Yeah, there's a comma. There's a comma? Yeah, and then a full stop. I woke up, no, that was, yeah, there's a comma. There's a comma? Yeah, and then a full stop. I woke up, comma, angry. Yes. And now I've given a full stop, then that's the end of that one.

OK. All right, so we've got, let's be honest, it's a bit of a shame. I woke up angry. That was the third one. It was all because of the Berlin Wall. It was all because of the Berlin Wall. That was the second one.

And the first one was, of course, the Table of Contents. So which one are you going to go for? What do you think is the most plausible? So I think what's happened there is he didn't want to do the real one first, because that would seem too obvious. So his brain could only get to what is the book start of the book.

It would be the chapters. So he went to chapters for the first one. Alright I don't have a brain board. The second one was the real one, third one isn't the start of a book. It's flawless logic. Ben? I woke up. No, no, it wasn't. It was all because of the Berlin Wall. It's good, it's very good.

Of course it was the Berlin Wall. He's good at some things, less good at others. So, that's like all of us. So at the end of that round, producer Emma, please give us the dynamic opening line to a novel all about the scores. Once upon a time. It's good. Colour, Tom and Joe, 40.

They've got three. And going for Yoko, Ben and Lulu have one. Oh, so it means that yes, absolutely, Tom. Go woke, go broke. Tom and Joe are in the lead, but that doesn't mean they're kings of the miniature underwater castle. There's still everything to play for when we return in part two. See you in a bit. See you in a bit.

Wendy's Small Frosty is the ultimate summer refreshment. And not because it's cool and creamy and made with fresh Canadian dairy. It's also refreshingly cheap. Just 99 cents until July 14th. It's a treat for you and your wallet. From your ghost Lentimos, the Academy Award nominated director of Poor Things and The Favorite,

comes Kinds of Kindness, a darkly hilarious and unpredictable film that critics are calling mind-bendingly brilliant. Featuring an all-star cast led by Emma Stone, Jesse Plemons and Willem Dafoe. Kinds of Kindness is a wild ride that will leave audiences discussing the experience long after it's over. Don't miss Kinds of Kindness now playing in select theaters. Welcome back to Flat Shed Slabdown! No! Shut up! Stop it! Welcome back to Flat Shed Slab now!

Shut up, stop it! There's more? No more! There's more? This we've had quite enough! We're tired of it now! Twelve years! Exhausted! Christ! Can't we do something else? Before the break, Tom and Joe were in the lead.

I wish they weren't. That lead hasn't changed and neither has poor Tomahawk and Bendybuss's need for a nutritious meal. But who is going to be the waiter in the water? Let's find out as we play round two. It's Flat Games! Let's play together. Games!

Let's play forever. Roll the dice. Spin that thing. For the win. Games! Let's play together Games! Let's play forever Roll the dice, spit nothing, put the dam Do as you're told Games!

If you lose you get nothing Games! If you win you get gold Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold Goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, goldfish, So this week... Parenting hell don't get that! The audience don't do the gags for parenting hell! They do their own! This week we're playing a version of lawn tennis which we're calling score-in-tennis. I'm going to ask... No, no, hang on.

How have you spelt that in the script, please? I'll walk you through it. And this, Clark is going to love this, because it features letters and words. He loves words. They line them up. My tools. It's scoring, as in like, I'm scoring points, and tennis,

because that's the number of points you're trying to score here. So we're going to round it up. I see. OK. I know. He's really clever, actually. There trying to score here. I see. Yes. I was really clever actually. There he goes.

Clever stuff. And crucially, no offensive slurs in it. Any points. None of that kind of... It won't age badly. It will age badly, but on our terms. These are not punching down. It withers on the vine.

I'm gonna ask each player to sing about 10 different things from a category I will give them to the tune of one of the top 10 songs of all time. They get a point for each item they sing about up to 10 points and 10 points for performance. So what we're talking about, you could score 20 points here. It's a big round. It's a big round. It's a big round.

And that's why we're starting with Ben. Ben. Your song from Rolling Stone's top 10 songs of all time is Grunge Anthem Smells Like Teen Spirit by Foo Fighters 1.0 Nirvana. But. Well, someone's certainly a fan of Dave Grohl. I love the look.

Yeah. I love what he's done with the face part of his body. But... You'll grow into the rest, I won't worry. But Clarky, my boy, what is your category? Well, as this is our version of lawn tennis, I'd like you to give us thorn tennis singing about 10 different mythical creatures. Okay, 10 different mythical creatures. It's up with them. What? You're... Yeah. Very much the words of Joe Lyson when we were explaining the rules earlier on.

So the idea behind this, just for anyone who's not following, is that Ben is going to sing about ten different things from a category. The category is mythical creatures, and he's going to be singing along to one of the top ten songs of all time, as voted for by Rolling Stone magazine and that song of course it smells like teen spirit keep the fuck up guys. Come on! DJ Emma please load up on guns and bring your friends! He stood, he stood. For the listener at home he stood. He stood. For the listener at home, he stood. LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER He sat. He sat back down again. He sat back down. LAUGHTER He's back down again. He sat back down. ["I'm Like a Horse"] I'm like a horse, but I have got a spike on my head and I'm nice. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha.

That's one point. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. That's one point. Nine points to go. I'm also like a horse but I've got wicks. I'm also like a horse but I've got wicks. And now I'm a lion! And I've got wigs Don't think I know technical creatures. Yeah. Yeah. I've got one eye and a lip in a base. Yeah, yeah, I've got horns or some shit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I've got slicker hair and fishman fingers. Yeah, yeah, oh, I have a bird that's on fire. Oh. Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!

Woo! Woo! Woo! Has that answered your question? Good, good. That's what it is. That is how you play. I've got to ask now, because Emma's looking at me and I'm looking at Emma, was anybody keeping scores then?

No we weren't. It was about 10. Was it about 10 or 11, wasn't it? Yeah. And the unicorn, the uni... Sorry, yeah. The unicorn. The unicorn.

He had the unicorn, he had the Pegasus, you had the Phoenix, you had the, of course, the lion with the face of a moose. Uh... The Minotaur? He had the Minotaur. The Cyclops? He had Medusa, he had the Cyclops.

You've already had Cyclops, you've already had Cyclops on my list. No. No. I think, so I... Sorry, whose side are you on? Let's write this down actually, shall we? So, Cyclops.

Cyclops, we'll start with Cyclops just for everybody's sake. Unicorn. Unicorn, Pegasus, Phoenix, Medusa, lion with the face of a moose. There was definitely a griffon in there. There was a griffon in there as well, so what are you saying? Cyclops. We've had Cyclops already. And a Minotaur, and a Minotaur or a Minotaur, okay, you can't have two points. Is a Minotaur and a minotaur or a minotaur okay got two points is a minotaur a small one yes I'm gonna give you I'm gonna say that's eight points

for Clarkie but now we come to well of course performance right then if you're listening to this and that doesn't sound like 8 points. This isn't one of your shows. This is the litigious Lawrence Fox energy coming through. We're not all as interested in consumer justice as you are. So, but what are we going to give Clarkie for performance out of 10? Now, I don't know if any eagle-eared listeners, by the way eagle-eared wasn't one of the't know if any eagle-eared listeners by the way eagle-eared wasn't one of the Any eagle-eared listeners noticed you popped in a little bit of how you remind me by Nickelback in the middle Surely that's in the top ten. I love a mashup bonus point gotta be in the top ten He's a mythical creature though, right? He is, absolutely.

The lesser spotted Chad Kroger, yeah, yeah. No, I'm gonna, of course, I mean, it was strong stuff. It was strong, a heavy brew. I'm gonna give him eight out of ten there, so that's a whopping... No, I mean, it smelled like Teen Spirit, but it didn't sound like it. Next up, it's Joe. Now, your song is Respect by Aretha Franklin.

She's the queen of soul, you're the queen of soli-hole, it just makes sense. And your category is Forlorn Tennis. Ten things that make you sad. What? DJ Emma, P-O-D-C-A-S-T, find out what it means to all of us. Not being held up up. Maybe I got it. Lawrence Fox. He's a prick. GB News. They're a bit of a wanker. Clan. Wankers. Just a wanker.

Anyone who's done me wrong. I don't like them. because Anyone who's done it wrong What makes me sad now I quite like the tourists Not getting it our sleep. I don't like that. People who slag off Birmingham. That's not great either. It's a shit city, it's a shit city, it's a shit city, it's a shit city, it's a shit city, it's a good song, it's a good song Oh, it's a sax solo, folks Give it a biggie time Cyclops And Minotaur's

Unicorns Ultimate Phoenix You can't prove they don't make me sad! I'll have all the points please! If I don't get ten points, I'll feel really sad. Not ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten points, ten Have I done 10 things? Yes! Very nice everybody! So let's try and tot up how many of the things. I think we'll give you the 10 points because I can't be asked to go through the list again.

But it was a very strong list. But what are we going to give you for performance? Now I think it was a I think it was a strong performance from Joe. The wind beneath your wings was the backing singers there. And you had not only Tom, but the whole audience there. So I think I'm going to give you nine and a half out of 10.

Oh! Oh! 19 and a half points. Lulu, I would love you to give us a bit of Hey Ya by Outkast. Ooh, baby. Oh baby is right. And your category is scorn tennis.

10 really bad things. Feel free to list everybody in the panel who isn't you. Am I listing them? Do I have to list them? What can I like? You can sing about them. You can riff about them. You can do whatever you want.

I can't just name them outright. You can name them outright, yes. OK, so I have to do the wind around thing that Ben did. No. Ben. As a rule, don't use Ben as a term. Ben played a very strange version of the game. He could have just said Minotaur, Cyclops, etc. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, yeah. Well, that's not how his brain board works. I mean, he made it very entertaining for us, but he made it very, very hard on himself. He could have said, oh, I'm a horse with a horn, and he said I'm also called a unicorn, but he chose to do none of that. So, you know what? Fair enough. He plays by his own rules, despite the fact that he has an active hand in making up the rules. OK, so we're looking for scorned tennis here.

10 really bad things. Active stretching it. Yes. DJ Emma, lend me some sugar. I am your neighbor. People who punch children and take sides when they shouldn't do that. That's a good one. People who are mean about prostitutes in the first line of their books. Sex workers, please!

People who hide their money in offshore tax havens, that's really bad. I've done all of these things. People who are nasty, and people who are are mean and people who are sad. I think also, oh well fuck, swearing is bad and also so is not swearing. I've lost the plot. I've lost the plot. Children who don't eat their dinner.

And also racists. That's your ten. That's your ten. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I really wanted it. I'm glad you did that list in order.

Finally, let's take down hungry kids and people who are sad. Those cunts have had it too good for too long. Oh man. You listen to people doing this podcast and you're like, come on, get it together. When you're doing it, you panic. Like you really panic. No, I mean, you got the 10 things. Let's not go back through them

because I don't think they'll hold up to scrutiny. But they were very, you know, there were definitely 10 things there, but what am I going to give you for performance? I'm going to have to, you know, I'm going to give you nine points. So 19 points. Tony, you've done well.

Thank you. Sorry about that. Finally, we close with Tom Perry. I'm gonna give you nine points, so 19 points. Tony Boba Well. Finally, we close with Tom Parry. Now Tom, you're an undeniably unique vocalist, so I've given you a song by another famous UUV. It's Bob Dylan's Like a Rolling Stone. Beautiful. And your category is horn tenish. Ten things that get you Tom Parry right where it's pure. Get you

hot under the collar, float your boat, butter your parsnip. That's what we're looking for here. DJ Emma, start playing before somebody shouts Judas or Tom jizzes himself. What about that time you rub your balls with wine and that time when you put some time when you put some thyme on your stew. You've got sexy feet and I think that's neat. I wanna stick my knob by your little sweet treats. You said you were so confused because I had turned puce.

But isn't that sexy? I got some shoes. Will you touch me? You can choose your own adventure. I find those books quite sexy. I wear indentures. Oh, how does it feel to have sex during a meal?

Oh, I'm gonna eat roast beef Oh, from between your teeth Then put some gravy underneath! Man, roast potatoes are pure! What? Oh my god. Tom Parry, everybody. Tom Parry.

Yay! Oh, so. Really good. Very strong. I think we all now know why Tom is banned from every harvester in the country. Are you horny? Or are you starving for a carvery? Is there any difference?

It's the horny equivalent of hangry. Horngry. Horngry? I'm horngry. Oh yeah. I'm horngry. Can I just say, I want to stick my knob by your little sweet treat. The most upsetting lyric I've ever heard.

Really visceral. I would say apologies to our audience, but no one is going to conceive now for a good 10 years. As a result of that, that was bad news. Oh, but nevertheless you've got 10 things. By the time you'd worked your way around the Brussels sprouts, you've got ten things that really get you, Tom Parry, hot under the collar, for example, eating roast beef from between your lover's teeth. So you get ten points for that. But what are we going to give you for the performance?

Well, it was really strong. I'm going to give you nine out of ten so 19 points. Can I ask what do you actually find it arousing to have your knob near someone's sweet treat and what sort of proximity were talking? I was picturing ice cream but it didn't rhyme so I ended up with sweet dreams. So I want to put your, you want to put your, not, not, not someone else's ice cream. Yeah, yeah. But with their permission. Yeah. Oh, it's crucially, there was consent there before you dangled your cock over a viennetta.

Kind of like a 99 Flakes. Laughter Well, like a 29. Laughter So, producer Emma, to the tune of A Person Talking, please give us the scores. How do they feel? Um, so, wow, wow, what the fuck. Um, Ben and Luli. No editorialising please, Emma. We'll do that.

What are the scores please? Ben and Luli have 36. Tom and Joe have 41 and a half. Oh! So, from lawn tennis to lawn order. It's time for Beat Brothers! Yeah! You've got a problem, I've got a little problem.

You've got a problem? Call in the Beef! It's you've got a beef? Maybe we can help you Beef Brothers! Sorting out your beef! Yes indeed, it's Beef Brothers. Yes Tom you're not wrong. It's Beef Brothers where we ask our panelists to sort out a flat, just keep going, a flat share based beef. And today's one comes from an anonymous member of the audience. Anonymous, are you there?

I am. Thank you very much. Now, anonymous. That's a ****. Oh. It's an anonymous member of the audience who would not like to give out her name and let's respect that, Tom.

But yes, it's ****. At least. Yeah. I've made the edit for it. I've made the edit for it. But yes, it's ****. Have I made the edit for it? We'll bleep it out. I've just tweeted it. So don't worry, no one will see it. So anonymous rights.

My flatmate. This show didn't used to be like this. Mon- animals in here now. Anonymous rights. My flatmate is lovely, however, whenever I have Covid brackets often, I feel it's only right to check today? No, not today. Because we're packed into here. Have you even got Covid now? Not right now. Not right now. I'm planning it for next Thursday, which is good. You've got to have something in the diary.

Whenever I have COVID brackets often, she posts on her Instagram story discussing how COVID is a myth. Whoa. You can't wait to find out what side you're on, right guys? I can probably guess. The wrong side of history. While she posts these, she's helping me without me asking with groceries and medication, I've a medicine I imagine, and whatnot.

Should I address this with her? Okay, that was from Anonymous. Now I can tell you now that Ben and Lulu, you are on Anonymous' side. Oh, thank God. that Ben and Lulu, you are on Anonymous' side. Tom, yeah. Yeah. Oh, thank God. Yep. Oh, we're the old anti-vaxxers now, are we? Tom and Joe, you are on the side of,

obviously we're not gonna give the flatmates name either. We're on the side of free speech. You're on the side of doing your own research, guys. You're on the side of Big your own research, guys. You're on the side of Big Pharma. Fine. What I really want is for when we post about this, there's like the little red message at the bottom that a lot of the information contained within this podcast is not true. So before we make the cases, we have Anonymous here in the audience.

Would anyone like to ask Anonymous any questions? Yes, what's your first and last name? Can we call you Anne for short? Anonymous. Would you be happy being called Okay, so any questions for our dear, our dear friends? And don't ask Annie, you okay? Because you know she's got Covid, all right? How many times have you had it? Seven. What? You just like lick people in the street.

When was the last time you had it? Hang on, when? When did you have it? It was a couple of weeks ago, it was when your last show was. Oh okay, yeah, yeah, so about a month ago now, yeah, about a month ago. That's fine. That's all we need to know. Talking about Pappy's time. As in you got it at the show

or you had it and couldn't come to the show? I had it and I couldn't come. Right. Okay. Still came anyway, didn't you? That's the spirit. That's how I am. And are the other six occasions

when you've been due to come and see Pappy's flat share slam down? Honestly, quite a few of them. It seems to be a theme. Does feel like a sort of made up theme in lots of ways, doesn't it? Would you describe yourself as quite weak? Yeah, right. Yeah, really quite weak actually. This housemate, do they know, do you follow them on Instagram? Yeah. Do they know you follow them on Instagram?

Yeah, they gave me their Instagram. Right. I think you might learn something. Are they on any other social media platforms? Maybe, I don't know. Do they follow Joe on Twitter? And do you follow Joe on Twitter? And you follow me on Twitter?

No. So what, you're some mainstream media, is that what you're going for? The case gets stronger and stronger. Has your housemate ever had COVID? I don't know. I only moved in three months ago. And you've had it seven times. Okay. Is she patient?

Is she a bat? Are you commuting from Wuhan? My flatmates are pangling, full disclosure, we're fucking. Any other questions now? Any other questions for our dear friend, Anne? So you've been there three months. You had COVID how many times? In that time, twice.

Twice. Okay. And the flatmate says what about? Has she never had it? I don't know if she's ever had it. But what are her posts when she's posting about COVID? There was one that said, COVID positive, more like positively fake.

I mean, that's a very clever thing. Yeah, that is. Credit where it's due. Not actually written next month's show. Is she available for just to for a day on punch-ups? It's day-rate work, but it's good work, you know. I mean, that is the best book I've ever written. I've read.

Words are his tool. Does she give any sort of follow-up posts or linking to anything? There's been a few, and some of them did have articles that I didn't click on them. That's a wise move. Because you were too weak. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Oh, cough, cough, cough. But like the headlines were COVID related, it wasn't sort of gossip columns. Yeah, COVID related. Yeah, it's just checking. OK, right. I agree on other things. Do you get on?

Yeah, we get on really well. She's nothing but nice to my face. And she helps you get food and medicine for you when you're ill? Yeah, I didn't even ask her to. She asked if I wanted it and I said no. And then she texted me like, hey, there's some things outside your door. And it was like... Some pamphlets? Yeah. Some tin foil wrapped around your head.

So hopefully that is enough information to for our teams to make their cases. So I'm going to call first upon Lulu Popplewell. Now you have one minute to begin the case for the prosecution. Your minute begins now. Okay, well COVID is real. I can't believe I've spent a minute on this. I don't want to be the person to... People died. I feel actually what we should be... It's super happened. I feel like actually what we should be focusing on here is Anna is very weak and we must protect her at all costs.

She's living with a monster who has been leaving things unasked. We don't know if she's tampering with those things. Are there, the packaging might be open? We don't know. COVID killed so many people. And we- And we went back to a comedy catchphrase. I really never thought I'd have to do this. I like Chris Whitty.

Can I, can I finish by saying, I've got two seconds, science. Yes, absolutely. Strong. Strong. Turns out Chris was with it. A strong closing argument there from Lulu Popplewell. One word, incredibly pithy, but it really, you know, it really sort of played to the sheeple in our audience.

But Joe Leiser, you have exactly one minute to make the counter case for the flatmate against Anne's case. Your minute begins now. I think we're bored of experts. All these people going about saying that, Oh, COVID's real. It's total fucking nonsense and we all know it. And this woman, Anne, she claims to be called.

Also claims she's had it seven times. I don't think that's, I don't think it's not possible to have anything seven times. I've never had anything seven times. Imagine having lunch seven. I've had lunch seven times. I can see. I have had lunch seven times, I concede. I have had lunch seven times.

Ooh, what did you have, Joe? Tell me what it is. What is it? It's a beef bourguignon. Oh. Hide that sweet treat. And a mini magnum. Oh.

What was I saying? This woman has absorbed all of the BBC's lies and rhetoric, fake news, and she should be humanely destroyed. Two very, two strikingly different arguments there from Lulu and from Joe Alexis. And I've got to ask you how do you think it's going so far? Don't worry it's not so legally binding that if Joe does win we're not going to humane destroy you. It won't be humane. It won't be you, mate. So now, Clark, to conclude the case for the prosecution, you have one minute on the clock and your minute begins now.

Well, you know guys, this is, you know, genuinely a very sad state of affairs. We now living in a world where there's just these conspiracy theories, the swamp tuss, they're coming from all sides, it's like where on earth are they all coming from, it's frankly ridiculous. And I actually have a theory on where they're coming from. The Rothschilds. Is that time? That's time. That's time. That must be time. Fuck it up. Fuck it up. Call time back. A broadcasting them from the fake moon landing into 5G telephone poles in through our windows and... I rest. He rests his brain.

He rests his brain. So Tom, you're to conclude the case now for the defence. I've got to ask you Tom, are you going to be doing it as yourself? No, I'm going to be doing it in the style of a Deep South defence lawyer called Fanshawe Stanton. I would say that's a very wise move to disassociate yourself with the words you're about to say. So, Fanshawe Standen, presiding and providing your minute should you need it, begins right now. Ladies and gentlemen of the Jewry, I recognize a lot of you from the village, dear. Cueing for the bakery, smell of the paint.

It's changed color. One day blue, next day red. You ask them, their lawyers there from the big city, they're gonna roll out one of them fancy words, science. All right, here we simple folk. We like our bakery blue. These fancy words, science, the hell you ever looked at it?

Got a curly cut in there. I mean, I'm seeing this curly cut, but I ain't hearing it. Bakery kicking cut, there we go. Something you can trust. Now all y'all know there's something them there big lawyers from the city don't know. They won't be finding that in no no dictionary. Curly cur. that ain't no no-diction, red curly cur. Some things you can't explain, ghost cats comes at night. Now, how else you get pregnant? Ghost cats.

Tickle your belly, lick your chin. Gone in the morning. Back to the bakery with a kicking cut. The defense rests, your honor. Really strong arguments from both sides. I felt the horn was still residual. Yeah, I think there was definitely a bit of horn there. Now, I can't make the decision myself as I'm currently involved in my own legal battle about an incident that happened between me and Lawrence Fox in a lift with an unnamed public figure.

So instead, I call upon our live Phoenix audience, if you think that Anne, anonymous, and therefore Ben and Lulu are in the right, I would like you to applaud now. I'm not gonna lie to you folks, I was disappointed with how small that was. Okay incels, if you think... If you think Joe and Van Shaw made the best case, please applaud now. Yeah!

USA! A small but vocal element. Yeah, I know. A small but vocal minority. I. A small but vocal minority. I think the point, you know what, I'm going to give double points because I really... Berlin Wall! It was all because of that Berlin Wall. I'm going to give two points of course to Ben and Lulu.

Huge thanks. The Big Pharma wins again. Old McDonald. Huge thanks to Old McDonald. The Big Pharma. Very good. It's good, isn't it?

It's good, man. It's good. I didn't get that. I did not get that. Tom, if you listened to this show, you'd love it. Now we're going. Big thanks to... And if I understood it, I'd love it.

Big thanks to Anonymous. How do you feel about the results? Pretty weak, but good. Anonymous, everybody. So, just time to check on my goldfish, Tomahawk and Bendy bass. Oh my god, they're lying belly up! That's not ideal, there's only one thing that can revive them, an overlong jingle. Tom, Ben, help us out with the quick fire round jingle!

This is the quick fire round. It's the round that goes really quickly. Which is why it's always so amusing that it has a long introduction. You saw that guys, yeah? You have to stay It has a long introduction Though the round is really quick And the...

Sorry, I just got distracted Because I received an email and read it it was from my voiceover agent the work may eat so I read it whilst doing this maybe I should take this opportunity to tell you yes I am available for voice work I can do all sorts the boys got rained. I can do Sincere. Hey everyone it's the quickfire round. Okay that wasn't very good. I actually enjoyed it. I can do RP though. It's the quickfire round. But my best skill is doing friendly brummie. The kind of accent that's quite popular these days in energy radio commercials. Oooh, I need to make a phone call.

That's why you can trust us with your energy output. So sign over today. It's Quickfire round energy. That sort of thing. Anyway, get in touch. Anyway, get in touch. I can also do the fast bit at the end. You know the bit that covers the T's and C's. It goes a bit like this.

I can't wait for this. Quick Fire Ram may not be quick. You know, I haven't heard anyone do it. Oh, damn it. It's hard. It's hard. It's hard. It's hard.

It's hard. It's hard. It's hard. It's hard. It's hard. It's hard. It's hard. It's hard.

It's hard. It's hard. It's hard. It's hard. It's hard. It's hard. It's hard. It's hard. It's hard. go okay well let's get on with the quick fire round We'll put the details of your voiceover agent in the show notes to this show if anyone wants to hire Tom. So yes this is the quick fire round and as our show is all about feeding the

goldfish, I'm going to give you three seconds to remember three things from a category that I give you. I'll give you the category, you shout your name and then the clock starts, okay? That's how it works. Instead of buzzers, I like to shout out your first names, Ben and Lulu. Ben. Lulu. Tom and Joe. Joe. Off we go. Give me three films. Ben. Jurassic Park. Training Day. That's your time.

No. Training Day. Good to know. Wow. Good to know. That's what's in there. Where's that come from? Fascinating.

Give me three songs. Tom. Tom. Yesterday, hallelujah. Good bye, Ruby. Tuesday. Hallelujah. Good bye. Ruby Tuesday. I forgot it was big time. That was I'm afraid. Yeah.

I forgot it was big time. Oh country, can you get the rules again? That was that was a sweet seven seconds, I'm afraid. But if only you hadn't held that note so beautifully, you would have had the points there. Do I get seven points? Nope. Days of the week.

Joe! Joe. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. No! Oh my God! Unbelievable! Just three. Just in time.

Just in time. Unbelievable. You could have had Friday! You could have had Wednesday. I did Wednesday. Give me three numbers. Lulu, one, two, three. Oh yeah, perfect.

Whoa! Me! Please give me three types of cake. Lulu. Tom. Tom. Battenberg, Victoria Sponge, fairy. Oh, lovely stuff. Oh, shit! Give me three football players.

Joe. Joe. David Beckham, Messi. Oh. Perfect sounds. Yeah. Paul Gascoigne. Too... Too little, too late, Gazza, I'm afraid. Too little too late.

Up to that point it just sounded like you were having a wank about David Beckham. David Beckham, messy! Three seconds, quite impressive. He's an attractive man. Please give me three of the loose women. No. No one. Joe.

No, I can do that. Joe. Colleen. Judy Love. I'm afraid that's the time. Give me three tall people. Tom. Tom. Robert Wadlow Richard Osmond me. Oh, yeah Yeah, give me a point there. Give me three words for being drunk

Nozzled I haven't had a drink for nearly nine years. Yes, congratulations on your sobriety by the way. Can you walk us through that list again? You had snozzles, what was the one in the middle? Leathered. Leathered. Fucked. And fucked.

Do you know what, I'm going to give you the points. Yay! I'm only giving it to you because I'm absolutely snozzled right now. Please, Clarky, you're like this one. You know what, I'm gonna give you the points. I'm only giving it to you because I'm absolutely snuzzled right now. Please, Clarky, you're like this one. Clarky, you're like this one. Give me, please, three words. Ben, Ben.

Hello. Me, goodbye. The most coherent thing you've said all night, mate. You just listened to the first episode of Ben's podcast. I've been working on my bowels for a long time. That is a point of course to Clarky. Give me three things to do on a Sunday. Lulu.

Lulu. Church, cry, drink. No one expected that. But the blood of Christ is all right. You got the point there. This is such an insight, isn't it? Yeah, it really is. I'm running out a lot about myself.

Three things please that you wear on your head. Tom. Tom. Hat. Turban. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah your head. Tom. Hat. Turban. The Jewish thing. And yamuk. Yamuk. It's gone.

It's gone, I'm afraid. The Jewish thing. You were outside the time. You really didn't need to say. Explain it. I'm going to move it on quite quickly now three red things Ben tablecloth That's it I'm afraid yes, no, I'm afraid didn't get it there celebs who are actually all right

Ben Ben Tom Matthew Ben I can't give you the point for that. Senesce! All right! I'm on your team, I want the point, but I still don't think that's... I can't accept it, I'm afraid. Last one. People on tonight's show.

Tom. Joe Lloyd, Sid Lee, Lou Poppaw, Matthew Crosby. Oh, fantastic! My favourite three as well. That is the end of the round. And unbelievably, that is the end of the game. So before we find out those final scores, Joe and Lulu, have you got anything to plug?

Joe? Your book's still out. Your book's still available. Please purchase my horrible, racist racist misogynist book. Register to vote kids. Register to vote of course. Lulu? I'm not as successful as Joe so I've got to do a proper one. I'm doing Soho Theatre on 30th of May but this won't be out by then will it? It won't but you know there's people here. When do you come along? Follow me on Instagram, please.

When will it be out? It'll be out in July. So registering to vote will be... See, it's always good to register to vote, though, isn't it? Yes. I'll see you in prison. So thanks to all of you here, our live audience for watching and to you at home for listening. As always, check out our Patreon, patreon.com forward slash Pappy's Flat Share. Like, subscribe, rate, review our podcast or recommend the podcast to all of your friends.

This month, July, we'll be at the Latitude Festival. So if you're there, come and see us do a live flat slam. So producer Emma, let's hear the final scores. Oof. Snuzzled, levered and fucked. Ben and Lulu, 42. Tom and Joe, 45 and a half. Oh.

So Ben and Lulu are feeding the fish, whilst Tom and Joe are feeding me a vianetta with a cock dangled over it. Thanks to our guests, Luluplewell and Joe Lycett We've been Pappies see you next time on Flashers Slamdown Pappies Flashers Slamdown for Jack Matthew Crosby, Ben Corky, Tom Carrey, special guest Joe Lycett and Lulu Popplewell It was advised by Pappies and Ben Walker

Technical expertise was by Emma Corsham and Sammy Brough with help from Gwyn Rhys Davies Well there it is, there it was and here we are. What a treat. A real treat. What a fantastic treat it was. Yeah. Love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love,

love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love memory lane for us. It really would. Oh, also as well, in case we haven't already said it, welcome. I should say welcome, actually. That's very remiss of us. Can't stress welcome enough.

Welcome everybody. Welcome everybody to what we're calling the end of the episode. Yeah, never too late to get on board. Don't forget patreon.com forward slash Pappi's Flat Share. And of course, if you're going to be at the Latitude Festival this summer, so are we. So we will see you there. We are on the Sunday afternoon, early evening. That's as much as we know so far.

We don't know the exact time, but but watch watch this space. Follow us on Twitter, follow us on Instagram and all that kind of stuff. And you will find out where we're going to be. There's also going to be some flat share slam downs back in London in September, but we haven't got the guests for those yet, so they're not yet on sale. Once we book the guests, we'll stick them on sale, but that should be very, very soon. So if you enjoy Flat Shed Slamdown, come along. It's fun to listen to on a podcast, but it's electric in the room. Oh my gosh. Imagine attending a recording of the TV show, The One Show.

Oh god. But just before it starts, you drop a few tubs of acid. That's a bit like what it's like. You have actually won me over with that. Yeah, yeah. You just imagine that for a second. It's like that to perform it. I don't know about to listen to or watch it.

It's a bit like that when you come to the live records. Anyway, have a great July. If you're going to Latitude we'll see you there. If not, we'll see you in August. And, oh, we'll see you next week for more podcasts. Anyway, cheers! It's very confusing when we're going to see you next, but listen, don't worry. I would say don't stress too much about when we're going to see you next, guys. Just... I am really regretting taking that acid today's episode was produced by Emma Caution team cheers everyone