Pappy's Flatshare - Slamdown w/ John Kearns & Sooz Kempner (Tumble Drying) S14E06

Episode Date: March 5, 2024

Neither “Tom!” nor “Ben!” want to tumble dry the clothes… so Matthew says we’re gonna have to have a flatshare slamdown!Matthew Crosby, Ben Clark and Tom Parry Wicks recorded live at The Phoenix in Cavendish Square with guests Sooz Kempner and John KearnsWithJohn Kearns - https://www.johnkearnscomedy.co.uk/tourSooz Kempner - https://www.soozkempner.co.uk/Come and see Flatshare Slamdown live at the Phoenix in March18th March - Joe Lycett and Lulu Popplewell - https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/flatshare-slamdown-with-joe-lycett-and-lulu-popplewell-tickets-84479158336719th March - Joe Wilkinson and Humphrey Ker - https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/flatshare-slamdown-with-joe-wilkinson-and-humphrey-ker-tickets-844799938357The discounted doubler - https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/pappys-flatshare-slamdown-live-on-march-18th-and-19th-tickets-844809005477Pappy’s - https://twitter.com/pappystweetPappy's Insta - https://www.instagram.com/pappyscomedy/Support us on Patreon - https://www.patreon.com/pappysflatshareFind tickets to all our live shows here - pappyscomedy.com/liveEdited by Emma Corsham Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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If you have any questions or concerns about your gambling or someone close to you please contact Connects Ontario at 1-866-5 through 1-2600 to speak to an advisor free of charge. BedMGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with iGaming Ontario. Greetings listener dear I'm Tom I'm Ben and I am Matthew and welcome to another exciting episode of Pappy's flat-shear slam down Two brilliant guests today Really really excited to let you hear this. We've got John Kearns and we've got Sue's Kempner It's a returning performance for John and it is a debut for Sue's and I thought they both did absolutely brilliantly It was a joy. Yeah, they always are an absolute joy

It was a joy. Yeah, they always are an absolute joy And if you can then try and get down to the phoenix and be in the live audience for these shows because they're always an absolute blast in the flesh Absolutely right the next two coming up are on March 18th and 19th. Oh, we've got we've got some again great guests We've got Joe Lysett and Lulu Popplewell for the 18th. I've heard of him. Selling Fast. We've got Joe Wilkinson and Humphrey Carr on Tuesday, the March the 19th at the Phoenix and Cavalry Square.

Also selling Fast as well. There is, if you wish, because that's such a strong lineup for both shows. If you wish, you can get tickets that get you into both shows for a discounted rate. All of that is available from papyscomedy.com forward slash live. So go there today and if you're a Patreon member, you get a discount code on all of those tickets, on the individual tickets and the joint ticket.

So it's well worth becoming a Patreon member, patreon.com forward slash papysflatshare. Surely the hottest time to become a patron. Just before these shows, get on. Whoa, get on. Get on. I'll certainly be there for both of them. Good to hear at time of recording. This could all, yeah, lineups are subject to change. Tom could tell us, oh, by the way, I'm not gonna be there.

But listen, don't worry about all that right now. Just take it as, you know, at the moment, that time of going to press. It's a heavy pencil. It's a heavy pencil. All right then, well let's crack into another fantastic recording of Flash S.L.U.M. Down. Tom Benz! What is it Matthew? Yeah, what is it? You sweet little nubbin? You are a sweet little nubbin. Can you please stop rubbing me like that though? I am a sweet little nubbin but leave me be. I need a fresh outfit for tonight so one of you two has got to tumble dry the clothes.

In fact, in fact, pop your clothes in there too. If you tumble dry them hot enough they can shrink and become my clothes. So who's up for the job Tom? It's not going to be me Matthew because the way I am doing it is I'm going to be In fact, pop your clothes in there too. If you tumble dry them hot enough, they can shrink and become my clothes. So who's up for the job, Tom? It's not gonna be me, Matthew, because the way I used to dry my clothes, I used to have to take them to my local lab brooks.

Oh, aye? They'd pop them in a machine for me, they'd dry the clothes, but they had this rule. If they so much as saw a cap, if they saw someone wearing a cap, they wouldn't do it. I guess hats away, Bucky Tumbled.

Ha ha ha! Oh ho ho! Ha ha ha ha! I guess hats, hats away the Bucky Tumbled. Can I shock you? I like that one. Ha ha ha ha! Clarky, what about you? Can I shock you?

Ha ha ha ha ha! The thing is, Cross B, what about you? Could've shocked you. The thing is, CrossB, what is it? Tumble dry is ridiculous. Some unnecessary luxury. Yeah, you could just put them outside, they'll dry naturally. In fact, you don't need a washing machine either, because you could put them outside, they'll wet naturally. What I'm trying to say is I've been evicted. The worst thing about that is I'm your landlord.

But there's only one way to settle this. We're going to have to have a flat chess landdown. Flat chess landdown. We're going to play a flat chess landdown. We're going to share it with our feet. Flat chess landdown. So we're going to stop it down Flash is land down, Flash is land down Flash is land down, Flash is land down Flash is land down, Flash is land down

Hello and welcome to Flash S Land Down The panel show that says two jumps in a week I bet you think that's pretty clever Don't ya boy Flying on your motorcycle Watching all the ground beneath you Drop You'd kill yourself for recognition

Kill yourself to never Ever stop the ground beneath you drop. You'd kill yourself for recognition, kill yourself to never, ever stop. You broke another mirror. You're turning into something you are not. Don't leave me high. Just tumble dry. Don't leave me high, just tumble dry. Beautiful.

I'm the host of Landlord Matthew Crosby. Let's meet podcasting zone tumble toss, it's Tom Perry and Benedict Clarke. Not a tumble dry eye in the house then. But you can't tumble dry my clothes on your own. Who have you brought to add little bounce this week, Ben? I have brought my very good friend's sister, Sue's Kepnau! Wow!

Wow! Wow! Wow! See, it's a little bit too true that time, wasn't it? Too close to home. Sue, it's great to have you on the show. Thanks for having me. Sorry that he wasn't available. I thought you'd have more free time after Steph packed lunch packed up, but there we go.

No, no, he's very successful. Not me though. We like you right where we can see you, thank you very much. Anyway, it's great to have you on the show. Thank you. What sort of a person are you? So what sort of a person are you to live with? To live with?

Pretty bad. Just, no. And I'll always provide you can use my streaming services if you need need to use my milk in the fridge that's all fine, but You might find that I've taken my coat off and left it with my shoes on the floor by the couch a toddler for several days You might find that late at night I've made a dinner that is derrily some cream crackers and some cherry tomatoes and I've eaten them sadly while you look at me. I'll tell you what, I'm really good at. Do you want your housemates up to say, listen, I'm going to do it again. Do you want to come and watch this?

Girl dinner. My friend calls it late night grief plate. That's Luke's new show. Cancel Steph Park lunch for late night grief plate. He can now get up at noon. Tell you what I'm also good at, and this ties in with tumble dryers. If you haven't got one, dry them on a clothes horse, and then when you need the clothes, go get them off the clothes horse over several weeks.

Well, I'm glad you're okay. Thank you for coming to the show. Cheers, Kevin and everybody. Tom Parry. Yes. Who have you brought with you this week? Well Matthew, the Jumberee's in danger. No, you're kidding me. We've forgotten the name of our chief guest. Just couldn't put a name to the face.

So I've had to book the most memorable person I know. It's John Cah! Okay. It's John Cah! Who? John, it's great to have you on the show. Thanks for having me back. It's a total pleasure. Can I just say? It's been four years since the last I was on. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy.

I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy.

I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy.

I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I obviously went wrong. I'd say that's pretty fair. If you got your name. Am I with you next time? Yeah. It's not gonna be it next time. They say you do this podcast twice.

But weirdly they're both on the way down. Yeah. Yeah. Have you got me in 2012? That's pretty good. Yeah, say for us. So, what? That was too big a laugh from the back.

Ben's agent. Not a big fan of the truth we're on. I'm not an agent! So, John, what kind of a person are you to live with? Has it changed in the last few years? Oh, I have a son now. Congratulations. Thank you.

Wow. I mean, one person clapping a son. Come on. I did the big shop earlier. Oh, right. They're more of a shopping crowd. That's very much our right? They're more of a shopping crowd. That's very much our crowd. They're more of a shopping crowd.

I went to... Wait, wait, wait. What shop are you doing the big shop? Toot in Broadway, Sainsbury's. Oh, you're a Sainsbury's boy, yeah. Sainsbury's boy. Staff were... Is this an ad read?

Yeah. He was kicking off. I mean, a guy nicked a bottle of Baileys. Oh, yeah? You said a guy. Why? A new daddy sleep deprived. He smashed it against the wall, tried to get the security guard with it.

No! Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. I left my trolley to watch. Star figuring about break times. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. 20 minutes. Fucking hell, 20 minute break. That's not enough.

Oh, I was going to say much too much. How long is the interval for this thing? It's gonna be about 40 minutes, I reckon, yeah. I bought a plunger the other day. Oh, yeah? I bought a... There was an issue with the toilet. I called the landlord.

She got the plum around. He went, if this ever happens again, all you need is a mop and a bin bag. Just shit on the floor. Mop your arse and off you go. Shit in the bin bag, wrap the handles round your ears and then mop around any, you know, any... Mishpashpash. If you've got a bottle of Bailey's Handi, you know, any head. Mop around any, this past past.

If you've got a bottle of Bailey's handy, fuck it against the wall. And bottle anyone who tries to stop you. No, I went to, I went to, what's it called, that shop. Year on talk sport advertised a lot, hardware store. Wix. Robert Diaz. No, no, this is proper, this is proper this is proper this is industry

I was crew fix nah it was next to that I drove past it I was looking for that that was the first one at the industrial estate and I wasn't ready to see that no is it Cisco or something is that Cisco sellco went in a sellco sellco the trades go. The first point of the report. That's the end of round one. LAUGHTER I bought a 14-centimeter plumber, and I went and... It's the ladder here. Plunger, plunger, plunger!

Plunger! Tiny little guy. Mario, I bought Mario, I bought Mario. I bought a plunger. Everyone needs a puppy. You know what I mean? Everyone knows what I mean. Give him a mushroom.

Give him a poor bella mushroom. 14 cent of me, a plunger. Are you sure it's 14 cent of me? Is that small? No, he told me that's what I had to get. Okay, because I was looking. When he said mop me that's what I had to get. Okay. Because I was looking when he said mop and bin bag, I was like, I ain't doing that.

But I was doing it. You gotta have the toilet full of water. When you're plod, yeah, I didn't. I thought it had to be no water. No. I was there a day, bad day. Just shit constant. You need the pressure of the water.

Anyway, so, you know, if you live with me, I'll sort the toilet out, don't worry. So we need to know, John. Come on, even though it's bleaker than Susie's. John by name, John by nature. That's what you're saying, isn't it? So, we've met our guests. Let's get ready to tumble! As we play round one!

Round one! Look, I know I'm late And you're pissed that I made you wait Why you might inquire You're gonna think that I'm alive But I fell into my fucking tumble-rile I went round and round round round in my dick-caught fire And I couldn't get out of my tumble-rile

I also had a flat tire That's the worst thing is, that's a true story isn't it? That's a true story, that's why I had to start the gig late. Sorry guys. So the first round is called Drying Out. I'm going to give our players an erotic scenario. And they have to incrementally make it less and less sexy. Drying us all out. Like watching Saltburn. Speak for yourself. So for example, if we start with the scenario, you're hanging out with the three sexiest boys in UK podcasting. The next player could say, then three bean salad leave and Papi show up. Whoa!

Come on. That hurts. You're telling me you've not flicked the three bean salad? That's not even random! That's not on there! You should see what I'm seeing, He's fucking riffing up it. Anyway, we'll play it in teams starting with Ben and Sue's. I'm going to give you a scenario. Ben, you make it less sexy, you score a point, Sue's your role, but if you have more sex

than you score another point, it's a point to each sexy thing or less sexy thing. You've got two minutes on the clock to rack up as many instances of sexual removal as you can. However, if the opposing team, in this case, Tom and John, think that you haven't actually made it less sexy, they can challenge. Okay, and if I accept their reasoning, they get the point, take control of the game. Whoever's playing when the two minutes are up,

get a bonus five points, but I will dot points for hesitation so you can't just run down the clock. Now, not being an expert on sexiness myself, as you can tell from the rules. Um... Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha that kind of thing, actually it's traits. Incognito browsing, obviously. So your situation that I need you to make incrementally less sexy is you're in Brazil. Whoa, hang on.

With Ryan Gosling giving each other a sensual oily massage and get this, he is being ambitious. Which according to one article is the sexier thing a man can be. No! Really? Yeah, I know, I was gutted. Just after I called my podcast. Bye darling.

I'll be up Monday and Tuesday night, plenty of free time. So... Oh! So... Ambitious is up there. Ambitious, yeah. Bye, darling! I've been a guest on a podcast! I'll be in tomorrow night!

Premier League, midweek games! We'll have that on the radio! Bye, darling. I ate all the derelicts. Um, am I Gosling? What? No. No? Sorry, Ben. I'm just asking. Sorry, Ben. You're Ben Clark. You're doing a podcast recording.

I'm just Ben anywhere else I'd be a 10. Ben, a G is very different. Is it anywhere else I'd be a 10? Benergy is very different It's closer to ME, isn't it really? BEM Right So, so, so You're just explaining the scenario, you make it less and less sexy.

Which one of you wants to go first, Sue's or Ben? I'm, yeah. Sue's go first. I'll go first, alright, okay. Okay, here we go. So you've got two minutes on the clock. The scenario is starting obviously with Brazil, the massage and-

And ambition. And ambition from our dear friend Ryan Gosling. Okay. Here we go. Two minutes starts now. His ambition is to get the dog to lick his balls. Challenge! Challenge! Okay. Straight away, an immediate challenge. Have you been reading my Google history? I turns out all these years I've been doing it right. I Turns out all these years I've been doing it right So there's no king shaming, right?

Is that it is that a challenge yeah, yeah go on then Tom I'm so I'm so sorry Tom. I'm so sorry, Tom. I'm not going to accept that challenge. What type of dog is it? I was joking. It's a really filthy Jack Russell that's also been eating shit outside. He ate some shit. Bully XL! That wasn't even the song she said! You just said Bully XL! Oh! That wasn't even the dog she said! No.

You just said Bully XL! I can't defend that! I just said a zeitgeisty buzzword. It was like, okay... Weirdly, you had that written down as well. Okay, you've got to admit it 55. You get the point there, Suze. Clarke, make it slightly less sexy.

Oh, Goslings being all ambitious 55 you get the point there Suze Clarky make it slightly less sexy. Oh Goslings being all ambitious by trying to get you to sign up to his new Bitcoin Doge coin That's a point Suze and the oil is cod liver oil. Wait, we've got to stop the cock. We've got a challenge over here from John Kerns. We've got a challenge from Captain Birdseye. You can buy them in like packs of 100 beads.

You can shove them up your ass. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Get yourself down holding about it, shove 100 beads up your ass. Yeah, I'm afraid that's sexy stuff there from John Kearns. I wish I could give you the point, Suze. The point goes to John.

You take control of the game. He got me there. John, you've got to make the situation slightly less sexy. Um... The masseuse... Gets a phone call. Uh, I challenge... Okay we've got a challenge here for big time.

I like that answer though. I have your phone on. You've got to have your phone on. It's an open going. He can do whatever he wants with it. Don't be so short. He's got to harness his energy first. Okay. The phone is on vibrate.

Oh. Ben gets the point. We're back over to Ben and Seuss. That was more than Ben off. Let's hear it. The masseuse gets out a mop and a bin bag. That's a point, Sees. While you're lying there, he's just fully vomit.

Is that you vomiting? Yeah, because I'm there. I puke every time it's like... Oh! Hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on. Hold on. With a mere 37 seconds to go, we've got a challenge here from John Kearns. Because he's getting a massage. Yeah. He doesn't know it's vomit, he thinks it's crystallised oil.

Sexily. And that's hot. The smell? Is that bit of a clue? He's got Covid, I don't know. I'm going to accept the challenge there. Right. John.

Oh, the game's gone. I don't know, he's got Covid, I don't know, it was a good response, man. He could think on his feet this guy With 37 seconds to go on the game make that less sexy crystallize vomit all over sorry just just normal vomit All over the back make it less sexy. Crystalized vomit all over the back. Make it less sexy. In the corner of the room, the masseuse's son's phone rings. I challenged that. OK, so you just got it challenged.

I challenged that. The Ryan Gosling's son, hit the masseuses around Gosling, right? Sure, well, yeah, it's a couple's massage. You can have a massage with each other. Is the masseuse around Gosling? No. Well, not necessarily, no. I thought it was. I thought he was doing the massage,

and then I was being massaged and throwing up, which is hot, apparently. The masseuse's son's phone rings. As we all know, Ryan Gosling's son is Ryan Reynolds. He's nice to me. And he goes, hello? Ooh. It's hot. I'm not going to accept the challenge, I'm afraid.

Dead Paul. Tom, it's over to you. He goes, oh, Nan's dead. That's Ryan Gosling's mother. Oy, oy,ling's mother. Oi, oi, um, Manan's dead. He said, he sung Oi Manan's dead. He said that. He said Brazilian, didn't he? Oh, he's Brazilian. Brazilian.

Of course, I forgot we were in Brazil. I forgot. OK. Samba. OK, you... Samba is the death. I forgot we were in Brazil, but only because of that impression. Okay, okay You've got one second left on the clock, okay? The game rest with you you get the five points if you can bring this home I'm making this less sexy. Okay, so we've got we've got a poor a poor Brazilian man singing about his dead man. What's happening next? That's Ryan Reynolds.

Ronaldinho walks in. Ronaldinho challenge. Wait. You should wait for one second. Clark, you had a challenge there. Have you seen his footwork? Sexiest thing on the planet. Yeah, I don't know if I thought I had one second.

He was giving it the old just a minute walk across the line, weren't you? That was... How long does it take to say Ron Aldenio? LAUGHTER Well, 0.8 seconds, of course. Listen, Ben, challenge... Time, it's time, it's time.

You're old, and you're fucking old. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. All right. We're on Aldenio. 0.6 seconds. What? Whoa.

What? I got walks in. I'm gonna accept the, right. I'm gonna accept the challenge. That's brutal. That's brutal. Listen. This is how you play, whatever the fuck it is.

This is how you play drying out. LUCKY. Lucky. Wait, does he have 0.4 seconds to do this? No, the challenge is not on the timer. The challenge is on the timer. Take 10 minutes, Ben. If the chat, right, if he gets this, okay,

then he's got 0.4 of a second to make it less sexy, all right? So, yeah, now he's back in the game. Now he's enjoying the game. Famously, Ronaldinho takes 0.6 of a second. The odds are in his favor. Okay, Clarky, what's your challenge? You're saying the footwork? Yeah, footwork's very sexy.

Okay, I'm gonna accept the challenge. Thank you. You've got 0.4 of... This face isn't... You've got, hey, this, a ba ba ba ba ba. People in glass houses, Tom. We're all as God made us here. That's why we got into podcasting.

There are people who listen to this, who've never checked out the Google images Okay, so you've got 0.4 of a seconds to make the scenario less sexy Go Christ of Edema It's a good challenge there. There's a good strong challenge from parry He's parry What's your challenge, please? He said, Christ the Redeemer. Which I... Fuck knows where he was going.

I'm glad you challenged. But Christ the Redeemer, yeah? The big statue in Rio. What's the challenge about that? He's still a baby in the manger. He's not? No, I'm sorry. The point's got a clock in! So that's five points.

Yeah! Five points to Clarky and Sue's. They're a fantastic round. I think we can all agree. But it doesn't end there. It could, though. It could. Just remember, this is a choice now. I think the audience wants to play Get Me In A Spin, which is, we're going to hand it over to Jon and to Tom.

I'm going to give them an unsexy situation. They have to make it increasingly more sexy. OK? Same gameplay applies to Ben and Sue as you can challenge at any time. If we think it's not sexy, we go, that's not sexy. Yeah, exactly right. Exactly right. So, Tom and Jon, I once again look to the internet to create the scenario.

You're in Batley Yorkshire with a man called Barry. He's talking about rugby whilst wearing bootcut jeans. Who would you like to go first? Tom, John, who'd you fancy? You pretty much just described my bubbins. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I'll go first. OK, Tom's going to go first. Your two minutes begin now. He says, ah, do you like the rugby? And then he gets a boner. Oh, no.

Undeniably sexy there. No complaints here. Absolutely. I'd like to see a challenge from this team, but I can't see one. John, we've got a man in boot grudges with a boner who's just said, ah, the rugby. Make it more sexy if you can. Tom, you may have shot your load too early in the game.

OK, John. Aye. Okay, John. Aye. Great thing about wearing boot cut jeans. Has everybody else got a boner right now? This is off the chain. This is still Brazil, right? If you look at the hem...

That kisses the derby shoe. Darby shoe. You can see. Look up. Look up, boy. Look up. No, look up, boy. Sinatra blue eyes. I Sinatra blue eyes

Are we watching this alabena play? Hi is is is Is a pound no I we had them No only kidding carry that around for when I'm kidding and that's your time John The fire boys go to John and Tom Try to get in there, there was nothing. It was nothing. It was water, all hot. It was. It was. It was.

So, that was really something else, wasn't it? At the end of that round, producer Sammy, pour a glass of cold water over your head. Calm yourself down and tell us please, what has that done to the scores? Tom and John, you have seven points. Oh, yeah. Just too flustered. And Ben and Susie, you have ten points. Oh! It'll be coming back.

So, Ben and Susie are in the lead, but that doesn't mean that Tom and John have been hung out to dry. There's still everything to play for. We'll return in part two. See you in a bit! Oh! hung out to dry there's still everything to play for we return in part two of sports books. Visit betmgm.com for terms and conditions. Must be 19 years of age or older, Ontario only. Please play responsibly. If you have questions

or concerns about your gambling or someone close to you, please contact Connects Ontario at 1-866-531-2600 to speak to an advisor free of charge. ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Hi, I'm Una Chaplin and I'm the host of a new podcast called Hollywood Exiles. It tells the story of how my grandfather Charlie Chaplin and many others were caught up in a campaign to root out communism in Hollywood. It's a story of glamour and scandal and political intrigue and a battle for the soul of the nation.

Hollywood Exiles from CBC Podcasts and the BBC World Service. Find it wherever you get your podcasts. Acast helps creators launch, grow and monetize their podcasts everywhere. ACAST.com Welcome back to Flat Shed Slab Now! Yes!

Now before the break, yes indeed, it's you! To be back, it feels so good! Now before the break, unbelievably, Clarky and Sue's were in the lead. Who'da thought it? That hasn't changed, nor has my need for a freshly tumble dried outfit. Whoa!

That's the theme, guys. That's the theme. Big night tonight, anyway. After this, I'm meeting the ladies at our Winkley Bridge Club. Tonight, we're discussing the Clifton Suspension. Ssss. But enough about my busy social calendar.

It's time for round two. Let's play some games. Games. Let's play together. Games. Let's play forever. Roll the dice spin that thing. Put that there. Do as you're told. Games. If you lose you get nothing. games! If you lose you get nothing, games!

If you win you get gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Oh my God! Gold! Gold! Listen to that! Gold! Gold! Gold! Beautiful! Gold! Gold! Good Lord!

Take no podcast awards! Ha ha ha ha! Well, in that case, not even bronze, not even bronze! So it is Flat Games and this week we're playing a version of one of my favourite ever games, Dua Lindo, which we're calling... It is a game! It is a game! I see it as very much like evening classes for the Candy Crush generation.

That's what I see it as. much like evening classes for the Candy Crush generation. That's what I'm saying. See it's a game. It's a game. It's a game. It's a game. It's a game. You're trying to tell me there are other lacquages. I don't think so. See Senor Sehun game.

Sehun game, Montseur. So we're going to call this game Duet Lingo. I'm going to give a player from each team the name of a country and ask both players to join in a duet about how brilliant their respective countries are. Whoa. Two different countries, one amazing song. Their teammate has to guess, their teammate has to guess which country they're singing about.

Now I'll award up to 10 points for performance and patriotism. Are all the countries England? for performance and patriotism? Are all the countries England? I will say one thing Tom, if you want to adopt the accent, very much on you. Consider it done. That genuinely sounded just more brummy. Just more mid-less. Tom, that's your country, Suze. Ah, merci beaucoup.

Suze, that is yours. Now. Your song is Summer Nights from the musical, Greece, crucially not the country, but either of them, are either of them big enough, that country we'll have to find out, that is for John and Ben to work out.

DJ Sammy, we buckled our seat belts. Just who sings first in Summer Nights? The guy or the girl? The guy. Summer loving. Had me. Well I tell you what Tom, I don't think that's the guy. Sarah, loving had me. Well, I tell you what, Tom, I don't hear the song first and then pick the key you're going to sing. Right, OK.

LAUGHTER I don't pick a key, the key picks me. LAUGHTER Someone loving having a blast. LAUGHTER Just turned 18. She's crazy for me. I tell you what, Tom, as I've got faith in you, you can start off. You can start off.

No, no, no. We'll take that. We'll take it. Sure. Don't wrap it. We'll wear it. Let's go. DJ Sammy, we have buckled our seatbelt. Take us around the world.

Have no fear in the sovereign hemisphere. This country is really big. Couple of islands and both of them beauties. This one is full of money. We're workshops over and around. It might be a bit corrupt but that's good. Oh well, oh well. North Island, South Island, why don't you take your pick?

Tell me more, tell me more, on the lots of telly. Okay, volcano, volcano, volcano. Lots of land, lots of land, doesn't belong to them though. Oh, I'm kicking a ball of rugby. This one has snow and also sand. I'm over, I'm over,. I'm in the arse today! Also there is lots of people living there in this country. I'm singing about...

I went there on my honeymoon. And I went in the sea. And this one has countries on top and below. OK, OK, OK. OK, all right, here we go. Well, there was a lot of chew on there. I don't have for you, John. Can I just, can I just say, that was a tight right one. You know what I said, if you want to do an accent, I did mean the accent of the place. If you want to do an accent, I did mean the accent of the place Not fucking Ray Winston

Once I've got yes the East End is a country in itself, but That will stand up to a realist and I believe Yeah says a guy who's never listened back to an episode. Never have, never will. Do you know what? That'll sound to a realist when you listen back to it yourself. John, obviously Tom gave you a lot of details there. I would say about 17% of them audible. Who can forget,

I've been waiting that year for a day? Uh... Who could forget? Wait a minute, I'm not in the other day! I thought, bloody hell! It's like I'm there! So, John, if you got any idea at all, what country Tom was singing about? Hard stuff. I'm going to go with the biggest clue, which was... Volcano. Sure.

Volcano. Yeah. He said islands. Yeah, he said that, yeah, yeah. I know, I know, it's wrong, I know, it's wrong. Go on, give it a go, John, give it a go. It's only one point. The points of performance, unfortunately, yeah. I know what I'm gonna say is bad.

Go on. Lanzarote. Hold, Tom! Oh, Tom! What country was he singing about? Oh, no! You know, you ain't Lanzarote, mate. You'll have a chance. Fucking volcano is all I ask! I'm not gonna get out of my head!

It's all right, listen. Guys, you're gonna have a chance- Fucking volcano is all I ask! Fucking volcano! I'm gonna get out of my head! You'll have a- it's alright, listen. You'll have- I don't fucking know! You've got a chance to steal, but we'll get to that in a second. Um, Clarky, what country do you think Suze was singing about?

Oh, I think it's the United States of America. It is, that's absolutely correct! United States of America! And do you have any clue what country Tom was singing about? I wonder. Yeah, we all wonder. I wonder, is it New Zealand? It is New Zealand.

Yes! Right, right, can I say, there was a point during that game, I did think, I did think you I did think... You were both singing about the same kind of thing. OK. So, I did think New Zealand...

But then... Oh, fuck it. Lanzarote is my final answer! And I know it's New Zealand, but I want it on record! Lanzarote! I respect that. In fact, but I want it on record. Lancer Rossi! I respect that. I respect that. In fact, can we change our answer? Can we go Lancer Rossi?

Just take the two points, alright? Just take the two points. Two points there to Ben and to Suze, but we've got to talk about performance, of course. It was all there, right, New Zealand? No, no, not enough, not enough. Not enough. Tom, one more time. Just give us... Because it's incredibly authentic.

Why then now I'm going in the sea? It's honestly, it's like... Do you know where the main club is right here? Right now. Volcano, volcano! I was doing the hacker. Yeah, fucking hell. You were actually trying to do the accent. Yeah, I wasn't trying I did the accent

It'll stand to a re-listen I'm telling you How many points am I gonna give you both for performance? I think you know what? There was together together. there was some really wonderful moments, you know? I've gotta say, the Wella Wella Wellas were on point, but then that is from the actual song. So anyone could've done that. I was trying to hit a Where the Wella Wella Workshop.

No, where the workshop. You could've done a Where the Wella Wella Wellington. Lord of the Rings workshop. Yeah, the Where the Workshop, mate. Not in Lanzarote, is it? Listen, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey the weather, weather, well Wellington. Lord the Rings workshop. Yeah, the weather workshop mate. Not in Lanzarote is it? Listen, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, so it's gonna get even worse for you. Okay, you know what? I'm gonna give you... I'm gonna give... Suze, I'm gonna give you... 8 and a half points.

Tom, I'm gonna give you... 7 points! Yes! Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Oh... We can't argue. You can't argue with that.

Next up, it's Ben and John. Now, your song is, I You Babe by Sonny and Cher. Okay, there are your countries. You got it there? You've had a look? Yeah, okay. Is it a Canary Island or...? Hello! I'm excited about hearing this. DJ Sammy, I've got a wonderlust that only your sweet, sweet music can heal. Let's hear the song.

They say our country's very cold and dark most of the year, especially in winter time They say we serve the best food but then again, who are we to judge? Babe We've got pizza babe I think it's a peninsula. Leaning Tara Pinsula. Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh my goodness. I was enjoying the hell out of that. That was fantastic. It's a shame we didn't get more of it. I loved it. I absolutely loved it.

I loved it. I loved it. I loved it. I loved it. more of it. I loved it. I absolutely loved it. So, we'll start with you, Cece. I really hope I know what a peninsula is. Okay, any idea? What was Park and Sleek about? What country?

Well, it is dark a lot in the winter. Right, I think it's... Okay, let me tell you. All right, ah, shit. I thought it was Greenland, but that's not a country on its own, is it? So, but it can't be Iceland, because that's not a peninsula.

But you did say you don't know what a peninsula is. No. Uh... Yeah, oh yeah. Peninsula, but you did say you don't know what a peninsula is Yeah, oh, yeah, I I know what an island is though. It's not Greenland. Is it Norway? Finland Sweden it's gotta be one of those three right one of them You have to push you for a final answer? Finland. It was Sweden.

Okay. Can we steal? Nope. But you know what, I appreciate your Hootspur. I really do. So, Tom, what country was our friend John Kearns singing all about? Come on.

And crucially, is it a peninsula? Tenerife, final answer. Tenerife. Oh, Tenerife. Final fucking answer, Tenerife. I'm going to my grave. Lock it in. Lock it in, Tenerife.

Best pizza I ever fucking had tennery! Lock it in! Lock it in! What? I'm gonna accept the answer but why are you doing it in a New Zealand accent? That's not right. God work out what's going on here. Okay then. I'm gonna start listening to this podcast. Me too. Well, we gained one, but we lost so many more So I'm afraid Tom that that's not correct. No, you're not gonna leave it a chance to steal guys

Pizza it's USA again. It's USA, is absolutely correct. It was, of course, Italy. Don't worry, John. Oh dear. That was a horrible moment. I genuinely believe what was happening was happening. Horrible moment in my life. What's happening is never what's happening on this podcast. So I've got to give out some points for performance.

I thought they both did absolutely brilliantly. Absolutely superb. Gordy, Gordy, we're rolling out double digits here. I'm good at, you know what, do you know what? I think that's fair. Clarke, a beautiful performance. I'm only going to give you eight though, because Leaning Tower of Peninsula, whatever. Leaning Tower of Peninsula, it's fair. Clarke, a beautiful performance. I'm only going to give you eight though, because Leaning Tower of Prudential...

Whatever the... Leaning Tower of Prudential, eh? It's ten. It's got to be ten all the way. It's got to be ten. I'll argue with it. I'll argue with it. Come on, argue with it. I'll argue with it. I'll argue with it.

Producer Savvy at the end of that round. Oh, well, well, well, well, well, well. Tell me scores, tell me scores. Well, the tables have turned. Potentially. We have Ben and Sue's on 20.5 and Tom and John on 22. Well, let me tell you, after those crimes against music, we need to take a trip to the International Court of Human Wrongs. It's Beef Brothers!

Well, if you've got a problem, don't call it a problem. If you've got a problem, call it a beef. If you've got a beef, maybe we can help you beef from the sorting out your beef. Yes, it's Beef Brothers, where each week we ask our panellists to sort out a flat-shell base beef. And today's one comes from Josh, who writes, Josh are you there in the audience?

I am, yeah, hi. Yes, hello Josh. Hi Josh. Now Josh writes, this is a superb beef, so get ready folks. Oh. Josh writes, my housemate keeps making me feel bad that I'm not more upset that my grandpa died. That's the whole of the beef guys.

Let that sink in. Now Ben and Suze, you're on Josh's side. Tom and John, you are on the side of the housemate. Now have you got a name for the housemate by the way? Martha. Martha, Martha is the name of the housemate and keeps making you feel bad a name for the housemate, by the way? Uh, Martha. Martha. Martha is the name of the housemate. And keeps making you feel bad that you're not more upset that your grandpa died. Does anyone have any questions on either side?

I'm sure we do, uh, for, for Josh. And bear in mind, he's going through some grief at the moment, right, guys? So be gentle with him. Um... Only a bit. Not going through loads of grief, but yeah. It's only Only a bit. Really? Yeah. Not going to be low, it's a great idea. It's only be a bit gentle.

Clarke, do you have a question? Was he nice? Yeah. Good question. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was a lovely guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was nice.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can we get some timings on this? Is that possible? How long ago did he pass and did he have a good innings? Just over a week. OK. But you bought the tickets already. Yes, it's a clash with the funeral, but come on.

Pat, you do this show once a month? Yep, spare him of one week! He's the kind of guy that lasts in a funeral! He's up there! Any questions from this side? Tom, John, any questions for Josh? I've got two questions. Grandfather on your mother or father's side? It's my dad's side.

How often a year did you see him in the past five years? Four to five. Can I ask something? Four to five times a year for the past five years. Yep, so 20 25 times again, right? Suze was he racist It's a great question. It's good side question. I imagine a bit. Yeah It was it was never your conversation started was it It was never your conversation started, was it? Hello Grandpa, are you racist today?

How should he do racism, scramble? Any questions from... Tommy, you haven't asked a question yet. Was it a surprise? No. No. Come in. Wait, did you say he had it coming?

He only had himself to blame. He was a racist. It wasn't a surprise. No, no, no. Long time coming? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He'd been ill for a while. Oh.

What for his service? What? This was much more fun on paper, wasn't it? Why? I know why. Why? I know why. Why? Why?

I know why. Didn't realize there'll be snowflakes in the bloody audience. Yeah. Can't even make fun of a dead grandpa anymore because of woke. Yeah. It's exactly the sort of thing he would have said.

Yeah. So Josh, talk it through it. How upset would Martha like to see you? She comes home and says, I wouldn't be coping in your position. I would be inconsolable and I'm not inconsolable. I'm not inconsolable. I'm not inconsolable. I'm not inconsolable. I'm not inconsolable. I'm not inconsolable.

I'm not inconsolable. I'm not inconsolable. I'm not inconsolable. I'm not inconsolable. I'm not inconsolable. I'm not inconsolable. I'm not inconsolable. I'm not inconsolable.

I'm not inconsolable. I'm not inconsolable. I'm not inconsolable. I'm not inconsolable. I'm not inconsolable. I'm not inconsolable. I'm not inconsolable. I'm not inconsolable. I'm not inconsolable. I we get down to it. I mean, it's only been a week. I don't know yet.

How big was house? His house? Sorry. I'm controlled by AI. There are a lot of grandkids. I don't think I'll be doing a big TV. Ah shit, sorry. Right. Had Martha ever met your grandpa? Yeah, probably once or twice.

Is Martha racist? He's got to go abroad with this stuff. Right. What? I've made the mistake of going specific. Age, is was he ill? Right, let's be more broad. Yeah.

My name passed November 2020. Go stay broad. That was very specific. No, no, no, but like, my geography ain't great, but like something narrow, it's going to go into something wide. Okay. Is that geography, is that biology or geography? I don't know.

Is that a peninsula? Yeah. Can you describe me? An ox-pony? No, no, no. I don't know. A simple question, Josh. Pack with truth sprinkled with love.

Atari works. Atari works. Mmm. Atari works. Why aren't you sad? This Com-Com pod. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha what you've just done but that is extraordinary. I was listening to Susan McCabe ask the answer that earlier. Yeah, are you happy? She's happy. Spoiler alert, I've not heard it yet. Ruin the ending now. Are you happy Josh? Oh nice, nice. Apparently too happy.

He looks delighted. Have you buried your grandfather yet? No. No, that's to come. So it could turn around. There's still hope. Still hope. Have you wondered what medicine these days, Josh? You're right to be optimistic. Josh, so have you lost a lot of people?

Is this? No. So this is first. Why did you pick this one? And why are we still asking questions? Did you get to say goodbye, Josh? I did, yeah. What are you doing?

Why are you doing bringing this up on a podcast? Who writes this out? He got to say goodbye at a closure. The worst thing is we've got Carrie Add tomorrow night. This is her bread and butter. She'd have everyone weeping in the dark. There we go. Anyway, I think that's quite enough. Hang on, how old was he?

We haven't done... Yeah, we didn't get an age. 89-ish. That's young these days. 90. Is this a... Oh, yeah, sorry, this is my brother. He's better on ages.

Are you sad? He's fucking kind. Similarly... You're psychos. You're both psychos. Oh, yeah, no. You're my side. It's good, though.

It's good that you're psychos. That's really good. Okay, so we thoroughly cross-examined Josh and indeed slightly cross-examined his brother. So hopefully that is enough information for our teams to make their cases. So without further ado, I call upon Suze Kempner. You have one minute on the clock to begin your case for the prosecution. Your time starts now. Josh is a good guy.

When his grandad passed away at 8,990, he didn't shed a tear because at the end of the day, racism's bad and we live in a modern world. And also, what a good guy to still be smiling, even though he's not gonna inherit a fucking thing in this economy. Josh, you're never buying a house unless your parents are rich, but you don't have that air. Um...

And yet you keep smiling. He keeps smiling even after the years and years of pain his grandfather went through on his slow descent into the ground. Josh and his brother just kept on smiling. And isn't that admirable? Isn't that... In this economy. Zeus Kepler, everybody.

John, it's now your turn to make your case, open the case for the defense. You've got a minute. It begins now. We don't know where we're going now. A lyric written by the band that had their hits greatest in the northeast, Theraophonics. We don't know where we're going now. It's fair to say that Josh and, Josh's unnamed brother, knows where his grandad is going and they found peace in that.

Because they weren't brought up in a in a Catholic art bringing up a church of England up bringing a Jewish up but they weren't brought up with religion they know what happens when you die and what happens when you die look Josh told you all you don't need me to repeat it it was over a week ago fucking grow up man a week ago fucking grow up man. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha He's not crying enough. He's not bent at knee, slack at knee. LAUGHTER You got into Yorkshire? Bent at knee. Slack at knee.

A sub-pound note, lad. LAUGHTER Hem against leather. It's 50p. Look up, boy. Sinatra blue. LAUGHTER That feels a long time ago! LAUGHTER

Josh's grandad is dead, long live Josh's grandad! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Josh, how do you think it's going so far? London! Yay! Yay! Yay! Yay! Yay! Yay! Yay! Yay! Yay! Yay! Yay!

Yay! Yay! Yay! Yay! Yay! Yay! Yay! Yay!

Yay! Yay! Yay! Yay! Yay! Yay! Yay! Yay!

Yay! Yay! Yay! Yay! Yay! Yay! Yay! Ben Clark, you're going to conclude the case for the prosecution. You have one minute and it begins now. Well, you know, Josh is right. Let's face it, you know, we're all staring into the void. I definitely am right now. Thank you. But you've got you've got a look on the bright side of life, you know, as the band said, you know, the band's a group.

Stereophonics. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you know, even though those heroes, they grew up to, you know, some of them have quite disappointing views. And, you know, frankly, we can't mourn the boomers, guys. They had their chance.

They fucked it. We gonna go down with them, yes, but we might as well have a smile on our faces. God knows we're trying. So RIP, but of course the R stands for races. Okay. That brings us to Tom now. Tom, you're going to conclude the case for the defence. Are you going to be doing it as yourself? No, I'm going to be doing it in the style of a John Grisham defence lawyer from the

Deep South, Mr. Fanshawe Standon. Fanshawe Standon. Are you gonna be doing it as yourself? No, I'm gonna be doing it in the style of a John Grisham defence lawyer from the deep south Oh yeah With the Fanshawe stand-up Fanshawe stand-up Presiding and providing your minutes should you need it begins now Ladies and gentlemen of the jury Hehehe I recognise some of you there from church on a Sunday

Peace be with you too son And madam It's 2024. Ha ha ha! Here in Adonis, let me dare lawyers dare from the big city there. We mention a lot of them there words now. Talking about going down in the ground. Now that ain't Chappell speak.

Ha ha ha ha, oh no. Seen you in the queue at the bakery. Smell of the donuts cracker the whip. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Ain't going down. I'm kind of thinking. I don't suppose you've ever tickled a pig by a lake. In the moonlight. A fancy phrase, tickled a pig by a lake in the moonlight. I can see you thinking, Bring up the case, preacher! Bring up the case!

And sure now. Let me tell you. Let me tell you now. I used to go and stay with my grandma. Amen. Yeah. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha One night I heard a noise down by the lake. Bring up the case, preachers! Pigs down by that lake got out of bed, snuck down, tickled that pig by the lake in the moonlight.

Ain't nothing more pure, a feeling. Then I look up to see the house couldn't find it anywhere. God damn, God damn. Until the candle appear in the window. Woo! Grandma was putting that candle in that window so I could find my way home. Every night I tickled that pig by that lake in the moonlight. I turn around, Grandma put that candle in the window,

and I'd find my way home. Could a long story short. One night, I tickled that pig too hard. Too hard Cut it show preachers cut it show We buried it the next day and I cried like a baby laugh the secret case club Yeah! Strong showing from both sides there Josh Now I can't make the decision myself as I'm currently being sued of all things For flooding the basement of the hallway, we have our weekly meet-up

You know the ladies think it's serious. I think there's just water under the bridge club but instead I'm gonna call upon you the last bastions of justice the live Phoenix audience so if you think Josh and therefore Ben and Sue's are in the right I'd like you to applaud now. Suze are in the right. I'd like you to applaud now. It's good. It's not the one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Here we go. Here we go. But if you think John and Fanshawe made the best case, please applaud now. Josh, I'm so sorry. The defense rests on. There you go. Martha was right. Start blubbing, mate, start blubbing!

Josh, how do you feel about the result? Very sad, all of a sudden. This is what... Yes. This is what we're talking about. Big round of applause for Josh, everybody. Fantastic. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OK, folks, traffic... Just a moment's silence for the grandad. I tell you what, if you want a moment's silence,

can we have it during the Quick Fire Rage? Let's hear it! This is the quick fire round. It's the round that goes really quickly. Which is why it's always amusing that it has a long introduction He's right It has a long introduction Though the round is really quick This quick five-gingo

It goes really slowly Didn't you all get Cads? My poor like- You're gonna keep Cads red once, don't you all get Cance? I thought I could do it with my... You're gonna give Cance Revans? Johnny Cash, but because it's so slow Ooh, ooh, ooh, yes, it's quite slow I sound like the Crash Test dummy We all remember them They had that song about someone they went to school with

Who's dad crashed the car and then their head turned green or something like that Was it something like that And then they all went, What else was there in that song? Something else strange, Like a guy who used to be sticky And then he wasn't or something like that That's exactly what's in the song

It was all about outcasts Was there a girl who had a button for a head? Anyway, one day they turned round at school and then everything changed and then the person who was watching it went That was the point of the song This is all very accurate I don't know if he found them tasty

I think now it reminds me that yes they were tasty because they told their problems And all he did was Go like this Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, I wanted to get on with the quick fire out That would be lovely But before I do let me tell you About a guy who went to my school Instead of clothes He wore books

And his sister didn't have clothes She had books And her book is Ooh, I'm trying really hard to yes something But then one day the librarian Thought they were books and put them on a shelf That shit was in the chaffer Anyway, I get distracted

Let's get on with the quick fire But before Let me tell you about this girl who went to my school Instead of her head She just had a button But then one day the button man came and took her away came and took her away. Anyway, that's enough of that. Here it is, the quick fire ride. Oh my goodness.

Wow. You still going to listen to the podcast, John? So this is the quick fire round. What did you say? What have you told everyone you said about that, Jingle? He got away from me. Absolutely out of your control, that wasn't it? If you look into a portion blame, don't look at Tom. Slip through his fingers, every time.

Half eleven in my shed, at the bottom of the garden, I just got away from it. Didn't listen back to it. Present. First time I've heard that. And who wants to hear it again? He had headphones on but he was listening to something else. Yeah, he knows what he's listening to, don't we? Right, this is the Quick Fire Rounds.

And as our show is all about the tumble dryer, I'm going to ask a series of questions I would like our panellists to tumble the answer by giving the words in the wrong order. So if I was to ask, what was the name of the 80s new wave band who had hits like Girls on Film and Hungry Like the Wolf? You would say Durant, that's a bad example.

Should have gone with Boneless Simon. Durant, that's a bad example. Um... Um... Um... Um... Um... Um... Um... Um... Um... Um... Um... Um... Um...

Um... Um... Um... Um... Um... Um... Um... Um...

Um... Um... Um... Um... Um... Um... Um... Um... Um... Um... Um... Um... Um... It's Den of Buzzers. It's Den of Buzzers, I'd like to shout out your first names.

Ben and Suze. Ben. Suze. Tom and John. Tom. John. Who? I love it.

Okay. Here we go. Who played Scrooge in a Muppets Christmas Carol? Suze. Suze. Hey, Michael. It's correct. How is the genre of science fiction often abbreviated?

Tom. Tom. Faisai. It's correct. What football team is known as the Hoops, the R's or the Super Hoops? John. John. RPQ. Yeah, you're absolutely right. Can we have the full name of it please? Rangers Park Queens. Yep, two points.

Beginning with T, what's another name? I'm tense. It was. You, two points. Beginning with T, what's another name? Ten. It was. You got two points. I got my name wrong. Beginning with T, what's another name for Noughts and Crosses? Ben. Ben. Taktotik. It's correct. Who starred in the movies Face-Off, Mandy, Renfield, The Rock and National Treasure? John. John.

Cage Nick. Absolutely correct. What is the first line of the chorus of the Kaiser chief song Ruby? I believe it was Tom Ruby Ruby Ruby Ruby Ruby is correct British Telecom is more commonly known by which initials Which phrase using many rock and roll songs, describes a fast sexual encounter? Tom. Bam-wam, ma'am, thank you. You know what? You made it more accurate. I might like that, but you fantastic. Which novelty song about a small swimming costume was a hit for Timmy Mallett?

Yes, go on. Teeny Bikini, Bitsy Itsy, Poker Yellow Dot. Oh no, there's more. There's one more. Weenie. Weenie is correct, yeah. Weenie is correct. Weenie is correct. Itsy, poker, yellow dot. Yeah. Oh no, there's more.

There's one more. Weenie. Weenie's correct, yes. Don't forget the Weenie. Which Dudley Bourne comedian played the chef in chef? Ben. Tom. Henry Lenny.

It's correct, that's the end of the round at the end of the game. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Finish, finish on Harry, I'm Henry Lenny. You've got to finish on Henry Lenny. So we're going to find out the final scores in just a second, but before that, John Seuss,

is there anything you'd like to plug? John, we'll start with you. Yep. When does this go out? About two months time. Two months time. That's about it. Plug the torch on.

I am on tour. I'm on tour. And, well, I'm not really on tour when this goes out. Plug the torch on. I mean, what's the day before the euros? The day before the euros. You what's the day before the Euros? The day before the Euros. You're plugging the day before the Euros?

It's a good day, full of promise. The optimism of the country, yeah. The Thursday, the day before the Euros, I'm doing the last day of my tour in Manchester. Okay, what day is that? Because this will go out in early March, it'll go out. Oh, you're on tour. Hang on, hang on, early March! Hang on, go in early March it'll go out. Oh You're on to hang on early March. Yeah, early March. Yeah. Yeah, I'm filming my show the Roy Court Theatre on March 15th

So, you know, hopefully come to that. It's for an unknown broadcast And then March 16th, it's the euros Anything to plug in it? Feel free to use dates rather than you know proximity to sports events. Because I'm so excited about the Olympics I've forgotten the euros wrong too. I forget that they always come just before the Olympics and I love great big football tournaments like that. So that's good. Go see. There we go, that's what it's done.

Check out the Euros. Oh, I'm going on tour. In the autumn, I'm going on tour with my show, Class of 2000. It's all about, I haven't written it yet. But I should think there'll be some nostalgia about what it's like to be about 15 in the year 2000. Hello! And stuff about class and that. And definitely watch the Olympics. It's so good. So good.

It is good. Can I plug? I've got a really good anecdote about a tumble dryer. Yeah, let's do it. But I haven't been able to say it. It's on the Patreon. So if you enjoy our show, join the Patreon, find the tumble dryer anecdote. Absolutely right, patreon.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com tumble dry broke, took it back to B&Q. In the middle of B&Q, she said, I'm just gonna check it before I take it back. Full of clothes. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Join the Patriots. Join the Patriots. Chalk, finish it like that. As always, like, subscribe, rate and review our podcast, or recommend the podcast to your friends. But, producer Sammy, let's hear those final scores.

The final scores are Ben and Sue's have 25.5 and Tom and John have 30. So Ben and Sue's areble dry in the clothes, whilst Tom and John are losing their clothes and thinking the tumble would take the sheets with me. Thanks to our guests, Tuz Kepner and John Kearns. We've been Pappies. See you next time on... ..Black Shares Slab Down! CHEERING

Pappies, Black Shares, Slab Down, Peter Matthew, Crooked Ben, Carlton, Tom Perry and special guest, John Kearns and Sue Skepner. It was advised by Patrice and Ben Walker. Sex and Ecstasy was by Emma Caution and Sammy Frough. With help from Gwynn Lee, series Extra Special. Last minute help from Ben Walker. It was used by Emma Caution, big thanks to everyone at the Phoenix Club,

to all of the wonderful folks who came to today's show and to you at home for listening. Patrice, Splash! Thank you, Sam. That was a secret news production for ACAS on the Internet. Cheers, everyone. Bye. There it is. There it was.

Mark. Now, I believe, you know, I didn't at the start make any sort of disclaimers on this, but it was actually quite a, it was quite a sort of tricky recording for, sort of behind the scenes poor Emma Cautiam our our long-suffering producer really was suffering she was very very ill that day that's why producer Sammy stepped in thank you very much to producer Sammy now people have got in touch who are at the recording to say that um and you know what first time doing the show show for Sammy, first time having to sort of man it all herself really. It seems like possibly the scoring went slightly awry.

It seems like possibly, even though Clarke was in the lead, he seemed to have lost the show. But unfortunately, it's been recorded now, it's been put out. So Clarke, we cannot. Oh, we can't. Even if... No, even though you did... I think... I believe you did score more points. I'm afraid we cannot give you... We can't give you the victory. Is there no VAR on the podcast? It just didn't feel like you did. Largely because Sammy said you didn't and we don't really pay much attention. But the

audience do. But yeah, so sorry, Clarke, better luck next time. I've got my fingers crossed for you. Well, we all know what happens next time. What happens next time always happens next time. Un-Pappy's flat-shear slam-down. It's good. We've been looking for a new slogan. What happens next time always happens next time And we will see you next time on the next episode of Pappy's flat chair slam down

It was produced by my caution Do I mean I can I just say can I just say I know caution was really unwell during this recording, but there's no need to give her that Was produced by a caution Like it kind of she was there, but I mean. No, she produced this episode. She's taken the episode away and edited it and made it sound nice and everything. She produced the episode.

But I bribed producer Sammy. So that's the bit that matters, I think. Okay, so this episode was bribed by Tom. Yes, yes, yes, it was bought by me. It was bought by you, it was thrown by Sammy, it was produced by Emma Corsham. Absolutely right. Corsham team.

Corsham team. Corsham team. And please bribe responsibly. Cheers, everyone! Bye! Popping off, you'll find out why there's truly nothing like laying up a W at the King of Sports books. Visit betmgm.com for terms and conditions. Must be 19 years of age or older. Ontario only. Please play responsibly.

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