Pappy's Flatshare - Slamdown w/ Nina Conti & Helen Bauer (Set up the Gym) S12E32

Episode Date: September 5, 2022

Neither “Tom!” nor “Ben!” want to set up the home gym… so Matthew says we’re gonna have to have a Flatshare Slamdown!WithHelen Bauer - https://twitter.com/HelenBaBauerNina Conti - https://twitter.com/ninacontiNEXT LIVE SHOWSTONIGHT - TUESDAY 6TH SEPTEMBER: JEN IVES & WILL DUGGANhttps://www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/flatshare-slamdown-with-jen-ives-will-duggan-tickets-4031935216779th October at The Cheerful Earful festival in Balham - https://www.designmynight.com/london/pubs/balham/the-bedford/cheerful-earful-podcast-festival-day-4Pappy’s - https://twitter.com/pappystweetSupport us on Patreon - https://www.patreon.com/pappysflatshareEdited by Emma Corsham Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Greetings, listener dear, I'm Tom, I'm Ben. And I am Matthew and welcome to a very exciting episode of Pappy's Flat Share slam down. It feels like we're back. We've never, well I don't think we've been away, but it does feel like we're back. Well I'll tell you what it is Thomas, because we had two episodes recorded at the Mac comedy festival, but now we're back in our because we had two episodes recorded at the Mac comedy festival But now we're back in our spiritual home. This was recorded at the Phoenix So it's back in it back on Terra firmer, I would say well, and also it feels like first episode of the school year

Brian down down it feels like we're back and now with the big kids Dun dun dun dun with the big kids of don't, don't, don't, with the big kids of podcasting, we're here 11. Does that mean we're gonna bully other people rather than each other? Yeah. Tom has a academic diary and he still, he still sort of operates on the September

is the start of the year, which it isn't, it's the end of the year. But now it feels, it feels if you have a paper academic diary like a schoolboy then yeah Lisa I think this is all part of your sort of Your Peter Pan syndrome Can I can I just put this to listen to dear though, right? Yeah gone if September's the start of the year

No, well, no, no, no, no, it isn't Right you can't stop with the false premise If you keep September as the start of the year, this is like listening to Jordan Piggas. You banish those January blues. Right? Okay, go on, explain that. You banish those January blues because the end of the year.

Well, no, because the September is the start of the year, so you feel pretty... Yeah. Yeah. I guess I... What's called that, why pretty yeah yeah wait a minute I'm saying like there's something good about the system of start the year in September finish the year in July and have all got off that's okay feels and then you're bluesy bit isn't bluesy it's the summer holidays and then you start it you get back to the grind off we go.

If we agree with you, can we stop talking about this? Yeah. Yeah, that's a great idea, man. This is great. Well, in which case, I'm going to carry on talking about it. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER Because the January blues don't have anything

to do with the fact it's the start of the year. The fact to do it with the fact is very dark. We've finished Christmas, which is big and exciting. You're not removing Christmas from your year. You're not moving Christmas through to around July, are you? So Christmas still happens in December, and January is still the post Christmas. But that's what it is. It's the post Christmas. You were kidding when you said you wanted to keep talking about it.

Yeah, I was. Yeah, yeah. Because I'm ready to reflect. I Yeah, I was, yeah, yeah. Yeah. It's because I'm ready to say to reply. I've refused to accept your premise. Anyway, whatever our opinions, let's agree to disagree and say, this is the first episode. And boy, what a treat we have for you today. Who are I guest, Matthew?

Oh, come on Tom. It's all fresh in his head because it's the first of the year. I think you've got the September blues here. I certainly do. It's the wonderful Helen Bauer and the fantastic Nina Conti. This was a real fun episode to record. Recorded it towards the end of the year, I would say, in June. Yes, in the dying embers of the year. But you're hearing it now at the very end of the year, I would say, in June. Yes, in the dying embers of the year. But you're hearing it now at the very start of the year.

Yes. Ah, two absolutely stellar guests. Yeah, they're both brilliant. Two absolutely international stars of the comedy world. And two guests we've been trying to get on for ages. We finally get them in. Yeah. On the same episode.

Oh, really nice. What a treat it was. Really, really good. Before we get into that, we need to tell you about some upcoming records that we've got going on, Clarkie. Oh! Yes! Well, if you're sprightly and move quickly, there's one tonight, I believe.

That's right, there is. There is one tonight. Can you look into yourself here Clark. If I could just get my knees moving. It's at the Phoenix in Cavendish Square with Genives and Will Duggan, it's gonna be a bell, sir. Yeah, it's gonna be really, really fun. Very excited to, you know, obviously when we've recorded this,

we haven't done either of our two year starting episodes with Ani and Magriano and Alistair Beckett King. We haven't done that yet, but when you're listening to it, we will have done it and I could only assume it was an absolute belter. Totally. But we've got that one. We've also got coming up the cheerful, earful podcast festival on the ninth of October. If you can get yourself to Ballon, oh, we've got a double bill recording for you. We're gonna be recording at five in the afternoon with our guests, the wonderful birthday girls.

And then the birthday girls gonna be doing a recording and we're gonna be their guests. So you get to, it's like one of those brilliant crossover episodes that they seem to do so well in America. They never really did here. We thought it's time. We're going to bring the crossover episode to the UK. Are you talking about like crossover podcasts or crossover TV shows? Well, they kind of do it as

crossover TV shows, but we're bringing it into the podcast world. Yeah, that's right. I think I'm right in saying it's the first time hosts of one podcast have gone on to the guests. I ask you to do one thing. Could you grab a dictionary? I'll go on Diction.com. I mean, look at the word first. I'm sorry, first and start a real struggles for you. That was my first time this year. That was what I was like, it's the first time this year that somebody else. LAUGHTER October, of course, very close to the start. October, very much the February of the year, I'd say.

We were so, very much so, that's what they call it. So, come on down to Balum, the gateway to the south. Yes. That's right. Cheerful.co.uk for tickets for that. Eventbrite, EV, MT, BR, IT, E.co.uk. I know, you always enjoy it when I spell it out, cheerful.co.uk for tickets for that. Eventbrite, EV, EMT, BR, IT, E.co.uk. I know, you always enjoy it when I spell it out, Tom. Eventbrite for the tickets to Jenives

and Will Duggan tonight. That is the sixth. The sixth of September. Remember in the... Come and tell us if you're gonna lose it. Yes, so we're gonna start the year strong. But all that remains is to say, oh of course, as well, I should say this, if you join the Patreon,

you get discounted tickets to that show. So, join the Patreon. You're making your money back immediately. Straight away, straight away you make your money straight back. It's such a good deal, guys. Patreon.com, forward slash, Papi's flat share, enjoy that, and enjoy this episode with Helen Bauer and Nina Conti. TOO-BOOM!

What is it, Matthew? Yeah, what is it? Yeah, filthy fucker. Oh, Matthew, you are a filthy fucker. It's true, but I want to keep on fucking. There's only one way to do it. The filthy of the better. Yes.

But I need to get my little body in shape. What? Yeah, so one of you who's got it in store the, so one of you two has got to install the home gym. We're going to... I've got to install the home! You do it! It's a classic household chore. You do it out of chores!

It's finally happened! You do it fortnightly. It's on the rotor. It's stormy again. One of you two has got to install the home gym. Oh mate, well, it's not gonna be me. No, why not? I don't want to do it.

Okay. Oh, so, seems to reason, I'll play. Also, Matthew, what's the difference? Oh no. Oh, hello. Between Jim Broadbent and my local gym. I don't know. What is the difference between Jim Broadbent

and your local gym? I've never shot myself in Jim Broadband. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER LAUGHTER LAUGHTER LAUGHTER And national treasure. That might be our first ever joke.

LAUGHTER We finally made it. Well, Tom redressed the balance. Oh, God. I'm not going to install Jim because I had a terrible time the last time I tried to run a gym. I ran it with a member of Parliament Ed Miliband. Yeah, Ed Miliband ran the gym together, and we had three members, Liam Neeson,

Ian Boatham and Barbara Streisand. But Ian Boatham and Barbara Streisand didn't get on, which meant that whenever one of them was using the gym, the other one had to leave, right? And Liam Neeson's problem is he couldn't do sit-ups without the help of Ed Miliband. Okay. But my other problem is the Ed Miliband

couldn't understand his task without being told to do it three times, right? So honestly, when you around my gym, it was constantly like, Ed's holding Neeson's toes, Neeson's toes, Ed's holding Neeson's toes, Neeson's toes and strisons. Here so both of them goes. He's so bold, he's so bold, he's so bold, he's so bold, he's of shits, fly a bunch of shits, fly a bunch of shits, fly a bunch of We're gonna rip it off, taking that time right behind my back.

And I'm talking to myself that line, because I can't forget. Back and forth through my mind, behind a cigarette. And the message coming from my eyes says, leave it alone. Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Hello guys, we've come in very hot here. We're never gonna be a bad guy. A lot of singing top of the show a lot of singing but you can't set up the gym on your own

Who have you brought to spot you tonight Ben? I bought my personal trailer If you get a new shape you're dragging it behind you, which one is this? Or both? It's Helen Bauer! Oh no! This is fucking terrifying! Oh, genuinely frightened! Listen, don't be frightened, you're very, very welcome here, power-bauer. Now listen, what kind of a flatmate are you? The best flatmate ever! Yeah yes how did that manifest itself I just I just think I'm really

like I'm a good housemate don't make some of the talk yeah my last fucking flatmate and it's my black she's not here my best friend from school she's a fucking bitch she basically like like she okay she's amazing so she was like I'll do all the interior decorating for a random flat and I was like, okay, and she was like, I'm not basically, look, can we basically make some cry? And then she bought a Taylor Swift quote that she framed. Okay, and then she got a sign by a front door that said, today is a good day for a good day, during the pandemic. I was like, really casually, was like, we've

both got depression, she cried in a man of way. I was like, I casually, was like, we both got depression, she cried in a man-a-way. I was like, I don't know what a fucking do. And then she bought a one-bed flat, which is a fucking dick move. And then, now I have to live with the male comedian. No. Why not? That's worse, please. So what for? Oh, there you are.

But you're quote on the wall. He does big toilet in the room. LAUGHTER And it takes him like 20 minutes. Oh, wait, wait, wait, it's that long. Big toilet, like five tops. 20 you're playing around with something then. No?

Maybe I'll just get an arrest from your house mate. Oh, fuck, oh. We should say that Tom and Helen lived together. And he fucking loves it. It's a big toilet I'm a good house. I seem like a good house Pretty much Tom who have you brought to one with you this week? Well Matthew terrible news the jamborees in danger I'm a nausea rate of animals of escapes. You're what? Monastery of animals Are you having a pre-asher ray of animals of escapes. You're what? Minasher ray of animals.

Are you having a threesome with these animals, Tom? Because... That's why they were escaping. You mean minasher ray? Minasher ray. That's how they pronounce it in Aladdin, right? No. No.

He's got a world class manage array. Prince Ali, fabulous, Steve, Ali Abab. OK, we all know the word here, guys. The Disney Corporation and Favourite Literature. So let's not sing too much of it. Well, listen, all you need to know is my favourite animal wrongler is here. It's Nina Conti.

Yeah, that's easy. Nina, what do you like to live? Well firstly how long's your big toilet? Now what do you like to live with? I think I'm okay. I am very facilitating, uh, reasonable. No, I'm not. I don't know. I'm pretty, I'm pretty messy and ashamed about that. I hope, kill ants. I am. Bad at leaving the house. I have a lot of tantrums on leaving the house and I throw my objects of, I have to punch them if they, if I've lost them. Okay, right, this, get, yeah, back up the truck slightly here. Okay, so you've got, you've got objects that you need to leave the house. I get very cross with them. Okay, the keys and the keys Oh my god, I hate them and you've not got a special place where you're Okay, I'm not gonna tell you how to live your life. I don't have the same way as the ants

I don't want to go the same way as the ants. So when you eventually find your keys, you punch in your keys. That seems like... That's paying for that, yeah. So I throw them at the ants. No, I don't know. Is this even true? I have punished things, objects. I have. I've only punished you. What objects do you put in your it? Give them a good throw.

Do you give voice to your objects? Do they have conversations with them? Yes, I make no good. Ow! I won't do it again! That's my strategy. But it wasn't enough. Oh, what more? Tom's getting, Tom's getting, he's getting a bit.

Tom, you're not having a menagerie with a key user, right? It's not happening. You're key, you see? They sound quite into it. Yeah, they're into it. They're naughty. Tom, do you need a second? Yeah, they're into it, they're naughty. Tom, do you need a second? I've got so red, Tom. That sign behind you was blue when that story started. I've turned neon.

Well, I think it's fair to say that our guests are in their P-Kits, apart from Clark Hughes, forgotten here's us doing the best in pants. So let's fight out who's to be picked first, as we play Round One! Woo! Cheers! Cheers! Ah!

Push up! Oh, push up! Push up good! Oh, push up good! Oh, push up good! Oh, push up good! Oh, push up good! Oh, push up good! Oh, push up good

Oh Push! Push! Push! Push! Push! Push! Push! Push! Push! Push! Push! Come on! Eat too much food and drink me and I sit to join a gym!

But that's 200 a month and I can't even swim! And I don't know if make me feel dumb! So I just bought a mat so I could do some pushups Yeah, I'll push up on that Ah, push up We have my pushups But pushups are hard, yeah I said it's absolutely

They make them look so easy When they do that, they let them beat They only made his one Because I'm all the fat I said fuck it And I just took it now Wow That was genuinely like tapping into your inner monologue, it was amazing. Really good.

So the first round is called Peloton, Bella Tone. I'm going to give each of our guests a famous song about bicycles, Peloton. And I'm going to ask them to sing it in a foreign language, Bella Tone. Don't worry, I've run the lyrics through a Google Translate. All you have to do is follow the tune and try and make your pronunciation as inoffensive as possible. Your teammate has to guess which language you're singing in. One point for a correct guess,

about to 10 for performance. So get your diaphragms ready. I hope you brought your diaphragms. So, Helen, we going to start with you. Ray! Helen, your bite song is Daisy Bell, okay, a bicycle built for two. But Ben, which language is Helen treating us two? Okay.

Do I have to guess now? No, I don't know. I'll say one. I mean, you can give it a guess now if you want. May we? Spanish. LAUGHTER Well, we'll find out after this. Here's your... Here's your thing. MUSIC

Daisy, Daisy. Give me your ant for two. Ich bin halfgeg alle mal, vor die lieferter Wann du? Hätt vor die Ginstelle, wo ich will ist? Ich kann mich in Kösfeloren, ma je wollt er lief und ich sie in Obdie stulfern, uneathie, en op-de-stole van, en fi-d's-gur-bon, vort-fi Woo! Oh, really? That was good!

That was really good! That was really, really good! Really good! Are there any, uh, gentlemen, scotch people in the audience? That was pretty accurate. That was really... Thank you. Can I change my initial answer?

You can, you can. I'll tell you what, I'm going to award... Well, while you think about it, I'm going to award... I think I'm going to give you 9 out of 10 points there, because that was... So... What would have made it 10 out of 10? I don't want to be a dick!

I'm not being a dick! But I'm just curious, because I feel like I'm sorry. You know what I say? I'm an 8 to be a dick. I'm not being a dick, but I'm just curious. I feel like I'm sorry. You know what I say? I mean, I'm an 8 out of 10 points. I like that. That's for me! I don't mind that. Fine, I'll take it. Okay. So to make up that crucial point, they're glarky.

Okay. I think it was... You can feel it. Yeah. Bit of... I think it's German. No! Oh! Did the audience know? Can feel it. Yeah, bit of... I think it's German. No! Oh! Did the audience know? It was, of course, Dutch!

From the language we were looking for. How many of you have been, instead of Ichpin? Yes. Where were you, Ben? It's right there. It's not a Christian art schluch. How many German people have been going in the audience? Give me a touch of your hair.

No, no. Okay, just me. Nina, you are up next. You're going to be singing Steppenwolf's Payant and the Open Road, Born to Be Wild. Not sure they were on pushbikes, were they? They're on bikes, right? Occasionally that to get off and push. We're not doing Casey Mallower, alright? Okay.

Can he interrupt at the point where he knows? LAUGHTER Yeah, I mean he can, but I don't know if he will. LAUGHTER Yeah, I mean, he can, but I don't know if he will. LAUGHTER Let's find out. The option is always there. I appreciate that Helen had one verse and you've got seven there. It's a long time.

It's been a long time to get to the bit where they're actually seeing Bourne to be wild. LAUGHTER You know, there's a lot of beach to get to the sea. Okay, let's do it. That's a beautiful, Emma would fucking love that on a magnet. Leave the mind. Okay, will you be doing this as Nina or as your keys maybe? I don't know. I'll do it. I'll do it.

I'll do it. I'll do it. Let's do it. Okay, guys. Please do it. Let's do it. Quickly. Quickly. Okay. DJ Korshira, if you will please. I hope it's a fast beat. Oh.

Now. Fet on it. Oh, sorry. Sorry. Oh. Non. Faites ton hélvre-tremote. Sorry, sorry. Oh, de trop il se connaît. Et votre mot... Parfaites sur le hôteroute. Alors un chou d'adventure.

Tant que ce que l'un a nous arrive. Que cherit vaiaire révé ! Prends le monde en notre trait d'amreuse ! T'irais peu croutte vos amis dans la froid ! Elle explose et dans l'espèce ! J'aime le... Oh ! J'aime le...

T'en le vais mettre en l'autre ! Quand ça met avec le bon ! I'm going to... I'm going to be a little bit more I'm going to be a little bit more I'm going to be a little bit more I'm going to be a little bit more I'm going to be a little bit more I'm going to be a little bit more I'm going to be a little bit more I'm going to be a little bit more I'm going to be a little bit more

I'm going to be a little bit more I'm going to be a little bit more I'm going to be a little bit more I'm going to be a little bit more I'm going to be a little bit more Oh, what's the chorus? Like a troupe, they just showed up there. Oh, here. Oh, no, no, I'm going wrong. OK, this is the way. No, poor, treche-lo-banche. Cheers.

APPLAUSE Wow! Diffy seal! A lot! Play Diffy seal! Diffy seal! Diffy seal! Diffy seal! La putla miser!

So... So... I mean... A valiant effort! I'm gonna keep yawning in the hearth! F***! That's lucky mental That's lucky mental That's lucky mental

Right, she came in the room and played Whoa, whoa, whoa Why won't fucking know your hands son Whoa, whoa She came in the room and played Hell no, hell no, hell no And you're the fucking bullshit I don't mind having, she needs it, I don't care.

I'm honestly... Disgusting though, and then spoken the language after words I think is cheating, but never mind. Tom, have you got any idea what language? Ignore the bit where Nina was speaking, right? Strike that from your mind. She's the singing. Yes, at the start it sounded a bit mind. She was the singing. Yes. At the start, it sounded a bit like an animal from the Muppets.

LAUGHTER Yeah, and then I think it became very French. It was French, of course it was. Nine and a half points there. APPLAUSE Glocky. Glocky. Now, you are up next.

Your Bikesong is LDN by Lily Allen. Oh! Fucking love that song! Yeah, it's a song. Well, you're gonna hear it, Garble did a different language. So, what we've realized is there's not that many songs about bikes. No, not really, not really, but this is a cork in this song. So good, like, I've got to guess the language as well.

No, no, no, no, it's there, it's there. It's really. Sorry, you don't read English. I was gonna say good luck to Hello, but I think it's more good luck to Clarky. Good luck to come up to the audience. Clarky struggles in his own native tongue, so I'm excited about this.. Okay so LDN sung in a different language by Ben Clark off you go. Like the clean, low-slal and pami clean the hell that dragon. Helga dagen, forsmål duksjon, tank i fron, hemmik, kok sagt ikk. Jeg er fortumma, du er glas kribler, så alle klærle.

Ok, forse løle, jackset, og var det gikk ligge. Oren ikke pådjog, bollet! Og den er en av den velu! Hva? Hva? Hva? I'm a little bit too... I'm a little bit too... To the girls I... Could cranks if you're a fan Crater play lullidoo

Karun Thailand Where am I? London! You're in London, but yeah, you're in London! This is one of the rare versions of London where Lily Allen gets lost after I've won it. It's not good London mate. Where am I? Oh my god, this is amazing.

A black sour, what happened to you? Did I win? I just got a new ringtone, that's all I know. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER LAUGHTER OK, yeah, really good. That was really good. I think that was really... And out of 10.

...really good stuff, that's... I'm going to give him 9 out of 10. Oh! APPLAUSE You threw yourself into it, Clarky, with true gusto. I enjoyed it. Helen, though, what language was Clarky attempting there? I'll give you... I would say don't be distracted by the accent or the words. I was going to go scandy, but that was good. Let's end. Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go Oh no don't do it Mike like No Oh crowd groaning and then one moment no

No She in sound very finished I think she knows I'll be like a nail or something wouldn't it? I'm sticking Stick it with finish? Yes, screw her, finish I'm afraid it wasn't finished I could throw it over to the other side. You know what it was? Go on, Nina.

I have Swedish. It was Swedish. I'm so sorry. That gave me no pleasure whatsoever. Don't be sorry. Don't be sorry, but it was word perfect. Also, look at him. He looks Swedish. Yeah. Do we have any, any, any, uh, Swedes in the audience? Lawyer of the audience? Lot of Norwegian. Ah!

How, I mean, I know how. How? And why? We've got a book at all. They did Norway. Was that anything like Swedish from your experiences? What would you fucking know? You've got a bucket dollar!

Chill out mate. Chill out mate. Tell him who you've done to bed. Tell him I'm fucking a fucking American. You're right. He's normally late, Ben. Guys, wait. Wait, I'll tell you what.

I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what. The break couldn't come soon enough, really. It's going to be a shame. But we do have the small matter of Tom. I'm going to give you there are your lyrics. Now, you're singing Bicycle Race by Queer. Absolutely classic, which, on listening to it today today is a much more complicated song that I remember it

It's like a new song every five seconds and I mean Queen a retalented fan, but you of course are a talented man So good luck Tom. I believe in you Nina. We're looking for the language that Tom is singing in Okay Off you go it comes in quite it comes in quite speedy here Tom. I always do. Yes. So, gross. Minas Ray fast.

It's a bike. I'll give him one, I'll take one over to you. I'll give him one, I'll take one over to you. Okay, so, one your saddle, right, and off you go. It's going to be fast and loose, Jen, let's not be too worried about it. It's not going to be too worried about anything, so come on. BEEEET! You have to go again. Sorry, sorry.

Watch me for the start, OK? I think, hey, Tom. It's unconventional, but yeah, if you're going to come in, sort of just before Tom comes in, but he's not going to tell you when he's going to come in. He's just going to shout the word beer. Just with the change of the game. Yeah, so just you're going to have to caution.

I don't know how you're going to do it, but you're going to have to do it, all right? I don't know how. But a lot of eye contact is needed here, caution, I think. Okay? Alright, here we go. Good luck, everybody. Vickletta, Vickletta, Vickletta, Vogli ferongero con la mia picchia Vlonja, Vlon, Vickletta, Vogli ferongero con la mia picchia

Vogli quadro il matriore, tutti se nero, tu t'hi sisplapelo, tu me llarga jous, no n'hi me la stavos! No m'he sigut cap, heu vist! Big, Lesson! Big, Lesson! He de ser un suavell. I he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he Llevar un hàmbit, l'hàmbit, l'hàmbit, l'hàmbit, tu dius dir-ho, tu dius dir-ho, tu dius dir-ho,

i dius, i altra, massa lona. Ui! Escarabús, carabús, que ni tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu The Van Van Noe Me clatter! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa Be clever. Be clever. If I don't know what language be clever is That's problem because I couldn't hear any other words You know it's caramage caramage Yeah, I have Barcelona I would focus too much on Barcelona. I mean just be able to be a bit of a medley in my brain Clector

Any idea I'll get the points to Tom first of all it was it was good It was really was it as good as the original maybe I'm gonna give you I Gonna give you It was powerful Oh, that's... It was powerful. It was so wonderful. We were vibrating and then with the red light. Like a fart, do the ceiling, it was vibrating.

Can you give us the powerful nation that he was trying to kind of conjure up here? Italy. It was Italian! Benning. Much of Benning. So, producer Emma, can you give us the scores in English, if you please, at the end of that round? Uh, we. Uh, the audience got one.

Oh, congratulations, the audience there. Well done, off the school board. Uh, Ben and Helen got 17. Yes! Okay. LAUGHTER Oh, fuck! What the hell? I don't know if you... Yes! Okay. I'm fucked up! I don't know if you...

Yeah. Oh, I'm a ponder-ter. Thank you. And Tom and Nina got 21 and a half. Oh, right. So Tom and Nina are in the lead, but Ben and Helen, are they already out for the count? We'll find out in part two. See you after this.

Before the break, Tom and Nina were in the lead. I hope that doesn't continue. No, no, no. Tom and Nina were in the lead. That hasn't changed. And neither is my need to pump my guns. What? Oh, what? It's right and either is my need to pump my guns what right so I got to pump my guns guys so let's separate the dumbbells and the dumb dumbs

we play round two it's flat game let's play together games let's make forever roll the dice spin that thing put that down it was your told games if you lose you get nothing Games if you lose you get Goals, Goals, Goals Goals, Goals Listen to that Norwegian podcast convention

This is the sound of successful British podcasting Goals, Goals, Goals Okay guys, we got it, we got go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, That's so fucking stupid! Oh! Oh, mean as leaving? I'm gonna give each team a scene to play out and a bag of Scrabble tiles. Each time you go to speak you have the grabber tile

which gives you the letter your sentence will begin with. Five points for each player, depending on how well you use your tiles. Helen and Ben kick things off. There's yours, Helen. There's yours. Ben. Thank you. Okay. Now, you were going to be kicking us off with a visit to the post office.

That is the scene you'll be playing out. Right you are. What letter was that? Okay, so one of you one of you works there if you lost a title already clocky I tell you just keep on in the bag and take one out of time Okay, okay, right, it's very confusing. I've already eaten three of them one out of time. Okay, okay. Right, it's very confusing. I've already eaten three of them.

Oh my God. Are we replacing the tiles or are we putting them back in there? Have you brought your own tiles to replace it with this thing? I would say once they're out of the bag, leave them out the bag, okay? That's sort of the standard Scrabble rules, right? He's thought of it all. If you play...

LAUGHTER So, one of you works in the post office and the other one's trying to post something. I'll leave you to work out who that's going to be. But okay, just to make it a little more interesting, Nina and Tom, what would you like these guys post office-based scene to be called? It's got the title for the scene,

and we will play it out. Have a little chat about what that might be. We should have a chat about this. Something like a driver's license or application. No, I don't know how to do that because I don't drive. Don't be dicks. OK, not that. Like, my parcels too big.

Oh, Tom. Tom. I don't know. Sorry, the mic's on. Yeah. Yeah. Listen. Your package is too large.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry. Your package is too nice. Tom, yeah, yeah. Sorry, your package is too nice. Tom, Tom's got another ringtone. OK, OK, let's go for that. OK, yeah. The package is too nice. My package is too nice.

My package is too nice. My package is too nice. You're too lovely. OK, so who's there? Who, out of the two of you, is going to be the postmaster and who's going to be the customer? I'll be the... How nice is your going to be the cast of the movie? I'll be the...

How nice is your package? Like, just in general. Have you started? What did you see? They're just doing a bit of background work with the characters. Oh, like all the great improvisers do. Did you know the discussion before you started? How should we finish?

That's a great package. Have you started? What's going on? Come on, let's go. Come on, let's go. Sorry for holding the sharp, Clarky. I'm going to be working at the post-marsow. I'll be the post-marsow and pay tree arkel.

The post-marsow and the tree arkel. Okay, Clarky, let'd be struck from the record. Take a big thing. That's the problem, Galky, not enough beer. So, my package is too nice, that's to be worked into the scene as well as your letters. Ben, if you'd like to take your first letter and off we go. Oh, hello. LAUGHTER That's three letters.

LAUGHTER You're allowed to... Oh! LAUGHTER You're allowed to use other letters once you've used that letter to be able to see. LAUGHTER Right, you are.

Today please give us your letter. A. Don't play silly burgers with me, there's a cue For reals, I have to send a package Shuts Okay Okay. LAUGHTER With Helen, it's the words she's not saying.

I don't really understand what that's all about. You're doing very well. Yeah, very good. So, give us your packet, please. There you go. You might notice it's really nice. Yeah! Mmm, wait. Wait a minute!

Eeeeee! It's a nice package! Unbelievable nice, and that's the problem. What? There's a problem with it big two-nice WTF. What letter was that? I went, oh, think, Tom. Oh, a bit, let's just check. Are we doing this until all the letters are gone? Shame I know, but I'm afraid the package is too nice. Zoe Trip it is, nice Zoe Trip! That was good, when you think about it.

Because you got a choice of two words there. Deborah or Zoe Trip. Oh, you're starting to test my patience. Suck on my clit! Oh, I don't know! Have you been dropped post office before? That's the wrong. We listened to him singing that push it, so I'm for them, no.

It's not caught my clit. So it's nice. Take my package. Okay, well, that was erm... That was nice. That was nice That was basically the first bit of a porno He was all the bits of a porno

One you've really got a search for Okay, so I mean I I've really got to give five points. No, I haven't actually. Okay, so Helen, I think you brought the scene to a definite climax. Thank you. So for that, I'm going to give you four, I'm going to give Clarky three, seven points. No, panel five. Out of five each. Oh, that's fine then. Yeah, thank you. Out of five each.

Oh, that's fine then. Yeah, thank you. That's okay. Okay, here you go. Tom, those are yours. Beautiful. Thank you. Thank you. Clarke. There we go. Thank you. Okay, so Tom and Nina, you are next to playing.

Your scene is a fan meeting their hero. Okay, I'll let you decide who's who. Helen and Ben, what is their scene going to be called? It's a fan meeting their hero. I don't know what that is, but yeah. Yeah. I'll be good, that'll be that one. How about like something like a fan kills George W. Bush?

Yeah, no. something like a fan kills George W. Bush. But like give it a really dark twist to fuck him over. Like a fan kills George W. Bush whilst watching Schindler's live at the cinema. Well, nothing is not topical. It's about time someone stuck the booting on George W. He said it too good for too long. Where is he going to go? That's really hoping I get a W.

Yeah. Or a NAM. I'll see why my at his dad. Yeah. I was a good guy, actually. Is that your final title, the fan? Yeah, I mean, yeah. So Fan Kill's George the U-Bush whilst watching his shinders list at the cinema.

Yeah. That's the title of the scene. Yeah, it's the scene. We'll chat about this afterwards, like. OK. Yeah. Because Clark, you remember the little chat we had at the break? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Give him something that can lead towards a punchline. Yeah, yeah. A death is a great punchline. Yeah. You're welcome. I think you've actually, I think, genuinely, you've upset Tom. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER But he's okay, he's got a very good poker face. LAUGHTER

But it's OK, he's got a very good poker face. OK, shall we? Shall we? Shall we? I'll tell you what, can't you... I'm just going to make it easier on you. Oh no, no, no, no. I think... We like it!

It's easier on the listener. Loose the shinders list. That's fair. A fair. A fair. Got Spielberg in the audience. lose the shindler's list that's fair a fan got Spielberg in the audience so a fan murdered their hero in the cinema

let's call it that right? Shindler looks like a good fellow Oh my god, you... I like it too. Oh, you're a fan of cinema? Oh, are you from somewhere else? Good question. President I was, back in the day of course. Dickhead.

Fair enough. Fair enough. But I like you. My word. He's made it black and white. Every good film is black and white. Octopus-y? I put it back. Every good film is black and white. Elephant man.

I am. Horny. George Dobbinger. Yeah. George dubbing you for it. Oh my goodness, well, you know what, you took all my solo component parts there and they weren't great parts but you made something truly beautiful out of it. The only way you could improve it is if it was in black and white. That was the only slight criticism was.

I think I'll give you five points each there. Absolutely fantastic. The full ten. Producer Emma, which ever letters you want so together to make words, what has that done to the scores? So we have, I've got to do some maths, sorry, the audience still has one. Congratulations. Oh, don't guys. Ben and Helen have 24.

Woo! Yeah, Ben and Helen. Strong score. And Tom and Nina have 31 and a half. Oh, well in the next round there is only one letter that matters. It's the letter of the law. It's Beeth Brothers! Yeah! You've got a problem, don't call it a problem. If you've got a problem, call it a beep. If you've got a beep, maybe we can help you be

from the sorting egg and beets. Yes, it's Beeth Brothers, where each week we ask our panelists to sort out a flat-share-based beef and today's one comes from Bill, who is in the audience. Bill, are you there? I am here. Hi, Bill. How are you doing?

Now, Bill writes, Sir, name is a clinton, is it? Bill writes, I did have sexual relations. Oh! What a scoop! What a scoop! What a scoop! What a scoop!

LAUGHTER It's right here! LAUGHTER So, Bill writes, Ever since the storm Is this a Q&N on thing? LAUGHTER Ever since the storm Is this a Q&N on thing? Erm... LAUGHTER

Ever since the storm, brackets, the fence is blew away. Neighbours have been crouching on my garden. Oh... Whoa! This next line is a little contentious, using my son to dry their clothes. LAUGHTER Ah! How tall was the fitness? How old is your son? Using my son to dry their clothes. My land has to have their barbecues. How do I get my space back? That

comes from Bill now. I'm going to tell you before you ask any questions of Bill. We're going to give him a cross examination in a second. But Ben and Helen, you are on Bill's side, okay? I am, yeah. Tom and Neether, you are on the side of the neighbours. Oh, good. Yes. But before all of that, let's have that cross examination. Does anyone from either side have any questions for Bill? Fenceless Bill. How well do you know your neighbours Bill? I know them pretty well, I don't know their names, but we have. You've not bothered to learn their names.

I've received their post, so I know one of their names. Oh, wait a second, you've got their post box and they've got your... Is it hella-estorm? It really works. Do you live in the same house? What are they hanging their clothes on in your garden? They're kind of, you know, the clothes, the air is from their house that they take outside and then pop it in my space. Yeah, that's...

Come on now. Quick question, do you use the garden to dry your clothes normally? I do, I've got my own line. Fucking sick. Yeah. And sorry, when they're drawing their clothes in your space. In my son, yes. It.

Ah! Oh my god, it's a love. Fucking alpha in the room, finally. Oh my god. It's, you know, absolutely correct. Absolutely correct. It's a bare cop. Is there room for you to ride your clothes and then to ride their clothes at the same time? Well, if they put their clothes in my sunlight and then it might...

In the sunlight. You let him speak. It's objection, you're on it. I'm on his side. Sorry, I'm on Bell. Sorry, overruled. And so... He's the judge of his own trial!

It's Judge Dread! It can sometimes block the raise on my... My... Oh, yeah, fuck! It's a bullshit, Bill. Thank you, Ben. What the fuck? So, it's a bullshit bill. Thank you Ben. And is it what direction?

By the way, I've just looked at Nina's notes and you just draw on a funny face. Is that what your magic bill looks like? Yes. Very good. Very good. Okay, go on, what was your question? I'm sorry, I should stop drawing. I was wondering what direction is it north-south east away?

Do you get a turn in the evening to shadow his garden? Or does it not work that way? I didn't say it was a man, but he's so hot. I might have done it before. It's amazing. Is it a man? It's a man and a woman. I know the ladies named Jodie.

Look at her. You know the ladies name. I do. So yeah, I think, so I get the sun in the morning and then they don't really get much sun. I'm not hogging it, but they don't really get much sun. I'm not hogging it but it is they don't get a lot of it so they've had to... That's just a quirk of the place they happen to rent or buy. Exactly.

It's not my fault. It's not your fault where the sun is placed at any point during the day. The texture you're on, a bill's really boring me overruled. But nice try though. Any further questions for our friend Bill? No, I just, yeah, Bill, do you want to take my minute? Too much better, General. I'd also be fine with that, Bill. Do you own the garden, Bill? Yes. That famous poker face comes back into play. OK. Why don't you put your fence back up, Bill?

They own the fence. Oh, what a twist game! It's a mad amount! Oh my god, fucking everyone's shabberling over there. Look at that! They own the fence! They own the fence! They own the fence! That's how it works.

Okay, that is how it works. It's a tricky thing. You never really know. Okay, here is, that is how it works. It's a tricky thing. You never really know. Okay, here we go. So hopefully that is enough information. It should be done. I do not understand the game. I need a quick ref brush. I think we fight. I think we like it. And I fight on behalf of Bill. Yeah, that's right. I need time.

On behalf of Joe, there's some bits called Joe D. Helen is... Helen offers herself as tribute. Yeah, it's firing arrows into the sky. Okay, so the way it's gonna work is you get a minute each... Minutes. To make your case, okay? But Helen's gonna go first because you're, of course, you have an opening prosecution.

So without further ado, I call upon Helen Bauer to begin the case for the prosecution. Your minute begins now. Bill's a fucking legend and we should all fucking respect him for that. To quote the Lion King! One day Simba, everything the light touches. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, father, what about the Shadowlands? You must never go there!

Did Bill go there? He didn't. He chose the light. He chose the house with the light in the garden and he had it until fucking Jody and a fucking peer-shape partner came along, along allowed offense to be ripped down. I don't even know if I've decided whether the storms are full or not yet to be proven. Bad vibes from her mother nature and all that. Bill was an innocent bystander, put the fence back up, let him have his light.

He owns it, he is timber. Fucking give him the fucking prize. Love it. Really strong. Really strong work there. From Helen Bauer, over in the case, for the prosecution now, you're all right. The nervous record.

A real sense of panic coming from me. Are you okay? Do you want to go? I'll get the earring later. I can't get it short. All right. It's not my turn, is it? Are you okay, do you want to go? Do you want to? I'll get the earring later. I'm okay, I'm sure. Alright. It's not my turn, is it? Can that be taken into account? Can the jury take into account that Nina is doing this one earring down, okay? It's a cool earring. Tom, if you caught it, you wouldn't be in this trouble, all right?

Your minute to begin the case for the defence begins now. My minute. Your minute. And I say, and I say, hang your washing in the way of his son and prevent him from getting skin cancer from the son. I say a good deed was done that day when son was shaded from his garden. I say it was your fence in the first place. You're the one, sorry, they're the ones who's suffering.

They lost a fence that's traumatising for them, they're for. They can't hang their fucking washing where they want and they, you're lucky they don't have a bad dog. Yeah, the old bad dog defense. It's illegal loophole but what I love to see see you are lucky. I don't have a bad dog Bill how did it go so far? Yeah, it's all right. I I didn't actually have skin cancer So twist upon twist upon twist who are you choppy checker? It's all right. I'm in remission. It's all good guys. It's all good. Yay bills and remission

Cannot not affect the jury's decision though Cannot be stricken from the record. Well, he's in remission. Yeah I bet Jody gave him the skin cancer in the first place Well, we're glad to know you're better, Bill. Now. To conclude the case for the prosecution, Ben Clark, hello mate. Hello, boss. Ben, I've got to ask you, was there?

Fuck, you just lost the neary. It's having a panic attack. I think that's right. Mark, it's going to be okay. You've got a minute. Okay. You've done it before. Okay. Do it this now for 11 years. You can do it again. Okay. Alright, you've never done it well.

No, no. But you've been doing it for 11 years. You can have one second, of course you can. I'm just trying to tell you just things really at the moment. Okay. But this means a lot to be on. He's had fucking cancer. You can have one second, of course you can. I just think it's a little bit more. Oh, okay. But this means a lot to be on, he's had fucking cancer, so be respectful. Just actually step it up and give it an A-fripp it, okay. Thank you.

It's a good boy. You're welcome. In other good news, Nina's got her earring back as well. Yay! We're in earring. Yeah, but a bigger cheer for that in the remission, guys. You know, don't be dazzled by the fame, all right? People are keeping being...

Okay, Clarky, you've got a minute to begin now. Going honest. All the talk of cancer right before I started. Oh, yeah, it worked. Throw me a little bit. It worked great. It worked great, no. But don't worry, I won't talk about cancer once during my one minute. 50 seconds left.

Ah! Ah! Here the thing is, we can't just start roaming around wily nilly, can we? Popping over onto other peoples? You see again now, I say it does sound quite brexody. It does sound brexody. Stronger board is up here after.

You know what? A built-up wall. Oh my fucking god. I know. Great Wall of China was a great wall. This is a problem so big we're going to have to solve it from space. You've got five seconds left for our key. Look, I would use it silently if I were you.

The fence rest. So you're the prosecution by the way. So, Tom, don't play to win, Helen, I play to have fun, stop looking at me like I made a fucking cut of yourself. I'm sorry, he did. Barricing. Don't be sorry to me, be sorry to bail. Todd, Barry, are you doing this as yourself? You're concluding mad. Don't, Perry. Are you doing me doing this as yourself? You're concluding for the defence, by the way.

Are you doing it yourself or what? No, I'm going to do it in the style of a John Grisham defence lawyer. Oh, OK. Do you want a nearing? LAUGHTER Mr. Fan Shaw Standard. Fan Shaw Standard. CHEERING

Presiding and providing your minutes, should you need it against now? Ladies and gentlemen of the jury You're probably as confused as I am listening to them their lawyers there from the big city with their loud words and aggressive ways Them city folk aren't like us round here. Hello recognize you from the bakery Them city folk aren't like us round here. Hello, recognize you from the bakery Potter jam brown bread Little milk That's lunch y'all on

That's the way we live round here Community folk what's mine is yours what's yours yours is mine, little milk? No, mine if I do, little do. He even old Bill over there talking about his predicament sure reminded me of when I was a young lad, fresh out of law school, 14 years old. Walking home from school one day next to old farmer lads. Place, that's right. Thought you'll probably remember farmer lads. Eight years old he was.

Three years out of farming school. He owned acres and acres. Well, looking over farmer lads fence there, I did see the cutest pig I ever did saw. Now I thought of myself, I should do wanna take that pig on a walk. Can't be taking no pig on no walk April afternoon sun low in the sky.

Pig for a walk. That's my self-fulfillin soft good question. Is this Fomalad's pig? Is it my pig? Can you take a pig for a walk. Asked to myself a philosophical question, is this farm of lands pig? Is it my pig? Can you take a pig for a walk? Where would we go? What would we see? Trees? Remember, Remember something my mama once told me this land is island this fence and we don't know whose fence that is We know it's our land Me and that pig we walked till dawn So are all the trees in the county Then I ate it for breakfast. Three years in jail, theft of livestock.

The defense rests, you want? The defense rests, you're on. Woo! Woo! Wow. Now, lovely to see George and I'll be you, but push back. Yeah, it was, it made me see W back, yeah. Now, I can't make, I can't make decision myself. I've seen too many biased memes.

So instead, I'm going to call... LAUGHTER So instead, I'm going to call upon our live Phoenix audience to make the call. So if you think Helen and Ben and therefore Bill is in the right, I will let you to applaud now. I can't get here, I can't get here, I can't get here, I can't get here, I can't get here, I can't get here, I can't get here, I can't get here, I can't get here, I can't get here, I can't get here, I can't get here, I can't get here, I can't get here, I can't get here, I can't get here, I can't get here, I can't get here, I can't get here, I can't get here, I can't get here, I can't get here, I can't get here, I can't get here, I can't get here, I can't get here, I can't get here, I can't get here, I can't get here, I can't get here, I can't get here, I can't get here, I can't get here, I can't get here, I can't get here, I can't get here, I can't get here, I can't get here, I can't get here, I can't get here, I can't get here, I can't get here, I can't get here, I can't get here, I can't get here, I can't get here, I can't get here, I can't get here, I can't get here, I can't get here, I can't get here, I can't get here, I can't get here, I can't get here, I can't get here, I can't get here, I can't get here, I can't get here, I can't get here, I can't get here, I can't get here, I can't get here, I can't get here, I can't get here, I can't get here, I can't get here, I can't get here, I can't get here, I can't get here, I can't get here, I can't get here, I can't get here, I can't get here, I can't get here, Yeah So big thanks to Bill everybody bill Bill how do you feel about the result you happy about the results? It's great. I love it when boarders are respected Other bookshops are available So there is no time to waste we're gonna waste it anyway anyway though. It's the quick fire round jingle. Here we go

This is the quick fire It's the round that goes really quickly, which is why it's always quite amusing that it has a wonderful dutch in it. When the round is really quick, by its very definition, a quick fire round should go quickly. The Collins Diction recent, but by itself, is an adjective. I wish I knew what that was. It says,

It says, It says, It says, It says, It says, It says, It says, It says, It says,

It says, It says, It says, It says, It says, It says, It says, It says, It says, And yet this song isn't very fast And it often has pauses in it Like this one It's only a pause for you

Like this one There's other examples Things that quick-for could be It says for example A single shot or several shots fired at a rapid rain Oh brah This introduction is not even There will be no shots fired

Unless you're counting the witty interjections I'm in the palm of the ring crime Bang, clock it comes a witty interjection It's a really classic from Ben It's a lovely classic from there. LAUGHTER And there we go, let's do the one and only one. It's time to get straight into the quick file. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Always a good call to start wrapping up the jingle in the audience starts throwing glass, I think. We could read the science, we've been doing this a long time. Blue is a brother. Yes, this is the quick fire round and as I'll show it's all about gyms, I'm going to ask you a series of questions, the answer to which get increasingly heavier in weight, not therapy, I'm not going to start asking about how much affection you were shown as a child. As your art three...

It's not Com Com pod, it's not Knai. Oh my god, I adjusted that! Yeah, fuck. Can I ask you, you're happy? Oh my god, I did, I did! I thought I'd know! It's not the end of it. It's not the end of it. It's an hour!

I'm so mistated, I was. Come here. I know! It's not the end of it! It's not the end of it! It's not the end of it! I'm just stating that I was coming up. Anyway, as you're answering each question, I'd like to imagine you are lifting that item and make the corresponding grunt, okay? I'm going to deduct points if the noise has become too sexual, and I will award ten bonus points for anybody who pops a hernia.

Tom Perry, I'm looking at you I've already done it. It's ten of her. You were there for big letter big letter wait It's ten of buzzers. I like to grudge your first names. Ben and Helen. Let's hear yours Good Tom and Nina Love it off we go. What does a chicken lay? Helen. X.

What is often called the good book? Tom. The firm by John Grishon. Yes. Very good book. Bonus points. A wall. Can't believe I'm asking this question again.

A wall is traditionally made up of these. Burn. Then. Bricks. What is sometimes referred to as the Goggle box or the boob tube? Tom. Neat. Oh, you got Neena.

Tell him. Oh. Tom. Tom. No, you got Nina. Deliver. Was that you lifting something off of this decendal? Because it was very good. In 2002, John Darwin faked his own death. Tom. Tom. Who? Mark the own death Tom Tom Can you

Can you Can you Can you Can you Can you Can you Can you Can you Can you

Can you Can you Can you Can you Can you Can you Can you Can you Can you Can you

Can you Can you Can you Can you Can you Can you Can you Can you Can you Can you Can you Can you Can you Can you Can you Can you Can you Can you Can you Can you Can you Can you Can you Can you Can you Can you Can you Can you Can you Can you Can you Can you Can you Can you Can you Can you Can you Can you Can you Can you Can you Can you Can you Can you Can you Can you Can you Can you Can you Can you Can you Can you Can you Can you Can you Can you Can you Can you Can you Can you Can you Can you Can you Can you Can you Can you Can you Can you Can you Can you Can you Can you Can you Can you Can you Can you Can you Can you Can you Can you Can you Can you Can you Can you Complete the title of this book the lion the what and the wardrobe Ben Ben Complete the type of this book the lion the witch and the what I think it was just Tom first What Complete the type of this book Tom Tom Complete the title of this book Tom Tom It's actually the what who came to see it's tiger with the other So close those so close She tried to write it as a sequel they said just just retread old ground, you're retread old ground Vox all forward in Toyota or all manufacturers of what? Ben?

Ben? No! And he's done it, he's out his head, wow, amazing. Evil Canoevo was fey and frid jumping over 14 of what Tom? Go on, you made him limber up for this one. Make sure you stretched. You're going to be a monster compass! You're not going to leave this. They were just single deckers, mate.

You've strained yourself far too far. The hernia was in vain. The second deck was full of lion. LAUGHTER Speak of in vain, that thing on the side you're head's gonna burst in a second as well. Jesus Christ, mate. It's tickling my nose.

Right. What's the largest mammal in the world? Bones! Bones, bones, you character. Bones, what do you call him engine, brats? Don't go in Brooks Barb, bony's up there. Oh, bony's up there. Bony's up there. Go on, bony. Booooooom!

Why you all? Did it like a resting commentator? And who's in the red corner? The red bony. What? Never said a game with friends. That was a good one. What's the name of the show about a mis-entropic medical genius played by Hugh Laurie? Tom, Tom, Tom. Okay, here's the last one, Tom, I'm really going for it mate. HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO No, House is correct, that is the end of the round, and the end! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh my god. The end of the game! So, before we find out the final scores, Nina and Helen, have you got anything to plug? Nina, you have a podcast? I have a podcast for Richard and Greta. Richard and Greta, yeah. Richard and Greta, and it's a very filthy and very wholesome. LAUGHTER

Hard to pull off that, it's very filthy and very wholesome. Hard to pull off that, it's a trick you want to tie. And you want tour as well, are you? I'm on tour with the dating show, yeah I'm going to take it to Edinburgh. Fantastic, so excuse me. Hello, you must have a podcast. I also have a podcast. It's called trustyhawks and it's basically me just talking about Bill for like two hours. With a community captain by heart and I'm also going to Edinburgh and on tour.

Yay! With a show called Madam Good Tip, which is a terrible choice. It's a good title, man. Thank you, but I don't get it out. Oh, yeah, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no So thanks to all of you guys for watching. As always check out our Patreon.com forward slash papi's flat share. Like, subscribe, rate, review our podcast. We'll just tweet, recommend the podcast to all your friends. So this is the moment of truth. Oh my fucking God.

It's their apprise though. Is there a pro? Would you like the to be a prize? Yeah. The man in the audience. I could be one of the Lion King round. Oh yeah. Here's the thing about that, that's worth one point. Yeah, we keep talking about changing that, but we haven't.

We've never changed it. It's like in kidding, as we could change it now. Yeah, it's changing now. OK, it's worth a point, and oh. So it's fair. There's a nasty side to you. There's a nasty side to me. Nasty side.

I've got no good tips. You got two, mate. We're right here. OK, caution. Talk us through it. Can you do it as if you're lifting the points? The audience have one. Just the one point, not the hammer one. I'm not twist. That half a point really made a whole one. Err... What a twist. The...

That half a point really made a whole different spin and turn. Diblin? No. LAUGHTER By the way, how many times do you use the same format of thing? We say a thing, he goes, really, he goes, it's really unfair. It's really, really unfair.

I hate my line. LAUGHTER OK, sorry. So, so gone. The audience have won. Let's have a look at the scores. Bellen, and Bellen? Bellen? Bellen? Yeah, sure. Bellen and Helen have 30 and a half.

Oh! Yes! So, Bellen? Yes! Bellen. Tomanina, 36 and a half. Oh! So Ben and Helen are setting up the home gym whilst Tom and Nina are working up a sweat with me. Thanks to our guest Helen Bauer, Anita Conte.

Welcome to the Club East. See you next time on Flash Esplanar! Yeah! That means Flash Esplanar, you can craft people from Ben's office on top of your special guest. Anita Conte and Helen Bauer. That is Flash S-land, now he's a graphic question for the most top priority special guest. He's neither Coltine, he'll have a power. It was the most hot part of his head walker. So you've got 30s with quite Emma Corsion and Andrew Warby. He's quite Emma Corsion.

Thanks everyone, it's Phoenix, all the models of Coltine's going down to show today with you all at home for listening. Quite me, Flash S-land, there's a secretive Russian, Bakeass at the internet. Cheers everyone. Bye! I really enjoyed that episode. I thought it's wonderful, okay? Yeah, okay

No one's arguing with you on that We've got my own episode. You start the start the year but no I enjoyed it. I enjoyed it. Take me away lock me up. That is your right man. It's your right to enjoy and I hope you guys enjoyed it. I enjoyed it. Take me away. Lock me up. That is your right, man. It's your right to enjoy it. I hope you guys enjoyed it as well. Thanks everybody for listening. Yeah, like I say Patreon.com for like Papi's flat share to join the Patreon. It really is a great old time We have over there. In fact, here is a little bit of what you might be getting if you join the Patreon over sleeping from bed and via Papi's flat share at gmail.com of what you might be getting if you join the Patreon. In the latest pop round you were talking about drinking too much and over sleeping and

it made this memory pop into mind. Once Saturday night some friends came over for some drinks before they would go into town. I had work in the morning so I decided to be very sensible and not drink anything. But once they were there and the banter was flowing, I decided it'd be fun to run to the shop and come back with four cans of high strength lager.

A ranger boom imported extra strong, skull super, special brew, and Colesburg Elephant. By the way, look at what I just say. That, talking about that, let's get escalated quickly. I'll have a night off the booze, and it is second layer, this is kind of special brew. Jesus Christ. Right, great.

Ben, you have through. Maverick. You have. Yeah. Wait, I went through, I think, did we go through a bit of Clarky, a bit of a specky brew. Yeah. I had a couple of, a couple of, um, particularly thrifty house parties where, where we didn't have that much money, so we were like, trying to maximize, yeah, our drug which you do.

I happened a little bit in my student house as well. We had a little, we used to sing the lunch on song, do the specky broo. This is exactly separate. Separate. From the broo. That was, you brought that back to uni. It was a sweet soupy, it's a soupy effort, it's nip the wall. It was, yeah, it's tough. We had one night where we were doing the Speckybrood Challenge, which for some reason was down a calivate and then he had a donut. Oh, that's got real good energy to it, hasn't it?

Yeah, we did it. We deliberately did it all like a next to a sink, so we had somewhere to be safe. I don't know. And then the sad thing about that is it does sound, that sounds like a kind of, you know, you picture kind of like a rugby team kind of effort of like, but it was just me and Ben.

I didn't picture anything else Tom, I didn't picture anything else. I didn't do anything else. I didn't do anything. People doing the special bridge challenge. Hey, hey, hey. Did you hear that? I enjoyed it. I enjoyed it. Throw away the key. Take me away to some motherland. Then me down. But yeah, look, on a serious note, if you in previous years have enjoyed our podcast for free, this year, why not start it differently by hopping on the Patreon and supporting us.

We can't really do this, the amount that we put out without the support of the Patreon. It'd be lovely if you hopped on board and gave us some support. You also get a hell of a lot back extra episodes every week like you've just heard and a whole load of bonus stuff as well. So, why not just for this year, the start of this year, it's a resolution that hopping onto the Patreon. Great. Right, lovely app.

Lovely app, lovely app. As ever. Lovely guys. It was produced by Emma Corsham. Corsham team. Act cheers everyone. Bye. Bye.

All right, all right everybody. Keep the nut, nut yeah keep that noise going get on your feet Let's have a great big welcome for the Patreon neighborhood watch Oh Now just a few announcements before we get underway Just a few announcements before we get underway Listen man, there is some brown acid going around Listen man if you can get hold of that stuff bring it to the stage that's my only announcement You know what I'm saying? I've not been seriously don't don't go near that stuff and and

Alright, I have not been seriously done. Don't go near that stuff. And we've got a great band for you coming up later today. Let me tell you something. When I listen to them, I really had to hit the brakes, man. Wonderful performer. You're gonna love her name is rage man Okay, okay, yeah, yeah listen everybody there's some green acid going around Let me tell you Seems fair baby seems fair seems like I'm only doing what the last guy did Where's the original Let me tell you this some green acid boy and it's it's going around the camp side at the moment If you can grab a hold of that let me tell you drink it down

at the moment and if you can grab a hold of that, let me tell you, drink it down because that's good stuff and I got it from my main man, Fuff. I'm gonna fucking kill you man! Okay man, that's not the five of you guys. Yeah, I'm just trying to have a good time. We're not the guy with the machete in, let's just... Oh my God. He told me it was for Whittling and now I see that knife. It's way too big. I didn't realize he was gonna be Whittling

people there. He's whittling down the numbers of the people at the festival. Okay guys, just to let you know Just to let you know this That's some yellow crack Yellow crack man there. There's a bit of yellow crack going around Yellow crack you know it's the hygiene that these festivals is pretty bad so Packs of what why can I take a button if you got a yellow crack you're doing it wrong man You got it all back to front twisted upside down man okay you gotta have to take off that hockey mask man we can't eat that's

fucking pain over there what's going on no hockey masks man. No hockey masks. No hockey masks. You're running man. Bet your hockey masks going round. They will make you kill people. Okay we got some yellow crack. Took a bunch last night and it did make all of my hair fall out.

Um, but it's good stuff man. It's good stuff so just to let you know, yellow crack equals hair loss. next up is my good friend Ross well hey man this is going great soul for hard man well I've got a minute say Mary's got lost well he's got lost in his three characters

this is great man Where everybody's having fun man Yeah great Okay, please remember to leave a donation on the door On the way out man This stuff ain't just putting this festival on ain't cheap You know, we say free love But we're in the

whole man I rang my misses last night man and she said they came and took the family estate man that's right my home of bills car my home of bills car they just My old Mabel's gone. My old Mabel's gone. They just took it away, man. So if you can't help the best of all, it was a stay-fixable, man. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Look, listen, man. I need a bit of help financially.

I think you're gonna want to give it once you've seen the wonderful work of Ian Ferguson. Hitting up, everyone. Oh my God, I got a call from my old lady once you've seen the wonderful work of Ian Ferguson hit it up everyone oh my god i got a call from our lady last night you're not gonna believe it she called me up and she said oh they've taken the reddoe's pass i couldn't the family of spas is gone and i just

i didn't know which way to turn you know, I didn't know where to look up It's a great formula Thank you man, please put the machete down You're scaring some of the kids listen, I didn't know where to look up. I didn't know where to look down I didn't know what to look sideways. So I had to look at my friend Jamie McCarthy friend Jamie McCarthy. Oh man you're not gonna believe this. Somebody whittled down my family. Someone whittled down my family estate. Oh no they whittled it down to a hatchback man. No man. I can't get my tent in the bed. Bummer man, that's a bummer man. I'm gonna have to walk all the way home

and I've only got one settle. Oh, it's a little too much of you, baby. Bummer, Bummer. It's a good job. I got my friend help. Joe Reddell. Yeah. Well, listen everybody man, we've had the time. It's a good job. I got my friend help. Joe Rennell. Yeah! Well, listen everybody, man.

We've had the time of our life. No! It's man, yeah, man. And I just say this has been the best Tory party conference I've ever been to. And we honestly, man. We're going to stay in in power, baby. Enjoy Brighton tonight. That concludes today's Beijing Ruins vlog. Peace out.