Pappy's Flatshare - Turkey Brothers Cold Cuts w/ Tim Key S12E46

Episode Date: December 13, 2022

The festive Turkey Brothers are here to sort out your festive turkey beefs with special guest Tim KeyTim Key's Twitter - https://twitter.com/timkeypersonTim Key's Festivical Playing Cards - https://www.utterandpress.co.uk/products/copy-of-pre-order-festivical-playing-cardsPappy’s - https://twitter.com/pappystweetPappy's Insta - https://www.instagram.com/pappyscomedy/Tickets for this plus next week's Festive Slamdown stream are still available to watch back - https://www.tickettext.co.uk/GZlz3hdjTHIf you have a flatshare based beef you'd like us to solve then send it to [e-mail] us on Patreon - https://www.patreon.com/pappysflatshareProduced by Emma Corsham Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Greetings, listener dear. My name is Father Christmas and I've got three people here who want to talk to you about one of their little podcasts. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, hello everyone, thank you Santa, I'm Tom. I'm Ben. And I am the little helper they call Matthew and welcome to another exciting episode of Papi's Flat Share Beef Brothers Cold Cuts Cold Turkey. Ha, ha, ha. Brrr. Brrr. So you're freezing, you're absolutely freezing, Tom.

You're right. Brrr. It was my impression of a polar bear. Oh. Oh. I thought it just had a jingle. but I don't what do you mean? I'll have a jingle. Yeah, that's good and by a theme tune. You mean we're pre-jingle. Oh, we're pre-themed June Thomas is your first episode

I'm giddy. I'm excited. We're about to Can we can we tell them this? Yeah, we're about to record the episode that you're about to listen to. So we're exactly in the same place that you are, we're excited too because we don't know what we're about to listen to. No, no, no, it's very exciting. We never normally record the intro outro before we've done the episode, but this is one of them. And we're here in the bowels of 21 Soho and we're about to go upstairs.

There's a hot crowd dropping in. It's the perfect Christmas weather, picture the scene. Ice cold outside, warm inside, on the outside, strangers passing in the streets. Like a polar bear. Ice cold on the outside, warm on the inside. And on the inside, friends, hot toddies and cheer. That's what we're going gonna bring to the stage.

This actually has made me, I was giddy and excited about the show. Now I'm incredibly nervous about the show. Concerned, yeah. Really worried about the show. Yes. Well, boy, I've quite the guest for you for this, people of this cold cuts, cold turkey.

Yeah. We've got the one and only Tim Key. The one and the only Tim Key. Now, this is a big one for us, because Tim Key has been the person we've been trying to snag. He's our white whale. Yeah, it's well over a decade. If you go through exactly it is, it's over 10 years.

We've been hunting this beast. And let's face it, he's not here yet. No, it's true. It's now 20, it's now 50 minutes before the show begins Right classic key so there's every chance he he doesn't show up and the three of us just have to bus get alone But currently he's he's confirmed he's doing it. I'm nervous Yeah, about key doing it. Yeah, you nervous about what just about sharing a stage with kids Oh, intimidating press. I've always been nervous around K. I find him. It's quite

you kicked out of Tim's sense. Look at Shifty. Ever since prison, am I right? No, no, you're coming. So anyway, yes, it's Tim Key. It's part of a double bill here at 21 Soho. We're gonna record immediately afterwards and you'll get this in a week's time. We've got a flat-chested slam down Christmas special with loose sanders and a fin to complain you. So it's a great time for us. It's very exciting to know that by the end of tonight,

we'll have two in the bag. It's made two in the bag, we mean two bottles of advocate. Yeah, absolutely right. Absolutely right. We had three bottles for the record, and we thought that's, we bought three bottles yesterday, and we thought, is that going to be enough? So, whatever.

Clark and I have been on a bit of a mission. We've been around the center of London for an hour and a half, like you were. You were like a Jeffrey Bernard, weren't you? Taren around so high on the hunt for booze. It was like the good old days. Really was. Only the booze was egg-based.

I know one had it. There's no one drinks it. But it's always in the last place that you look and Shaitate to the bottle store on Old Compton Street. Yeah. Absolutely sores right. And he gave us some biscuits as well. Oh, it was a lovely guy. Honestly, it felt like Christmas really had started.

Well, because you're the first people to buy those bottles of advocate. In 1976. So don't check the sell by date. Give up the biscuit in our mouths and off we go. And go off we go. Famous list. Our advocates have got little birds for you. So it's a six bottle of tonight at a night and they're all warnings.

Yeah. And I know this isn't a sponsored... A warning from history, is it? Yeah, yeah. This isn't a sponsored one, but honestly the warnings just slips right down. Oh, it's a gorgeous test. It's nectar. If you are going to have a car whilst you're listening to this, please do plump for the

best. It's more expensive, but it's worth it. Yeah. And I can tell you as well, when listen to this the live stream if you think oh this is exciting I'd love to see what it was like see Tim Key sat on stage with those guys if he if indeed Tim Key does show Then you can get the live stream you go to our Twitter all put it in the show notes for the show of where you can buy the live stream and watch the whole thing back Get it. Yeah, what in In fact, you know what? I want to have a real, you know, a stereo system out, put the podcast on your stereo and then watch the live stream and see all the bits that we cut out,

the bits that were too hot, too hot for the main thing. Where we were too nervous around Tim Geese. Why are you nervous, Bill? I'm one who should be nervous. He's even ghosting me for 10 years. The ghost of Christmas podcast. Why are you nervous, Bill? I'm one who should be nervous. He's even ghosting me for 10 years. The ghost of Christmas podcast. Ghosting of podcast. Well, anyway, it is the season.

Festive times, we're off to record, enjoy listening, and we'll see you soon. I'm not gonna hear a catch phrase then. I want to see you soon. I want to say, cheers everyone, but it's as good a catch phrase as. I would say, I would say, cheers everyone, but it's just good catch phrases you're going to get already. We'll see you soon.

I don't think we'll save that for the other side. It's very much, you know, it's a bit like, it's a bit like if Peter Cade had started to move away from garlic bread and started to do that garlic jubatta. It's very much the same thing. You want to just bread? Just bread, yeah.

Well, we'll see you on the other side. And you can tell us how we did. Well, if you've got a problem, I'm calling a problem, if you've got a problem, call it a B. If you've got a B, maybe we can help you be from the zoning I can be. We've got an absolute superb guest tonight. Tom, would you like to introduce him? A generational talent, ladies and gentlemen.

That's... Sorry, I just wanted to laugh. I'm telling you. What do you mean by that? He's a bit older than us. He... No. He... Look... What? Well, I'm saying, just keep your eyes on this fella. He's going places.

Please, even if it's a dirty show. Please, even if it's a dirty show. Rising Star, it's Tim Kean! Here he comes, here he comes. It's a long journey, here he comes. Tim, thanks for coming along. Pleasure. You've got a good... LAUGHTER You've got it...

LAUGHTER You've got a good festive look going on as well, Tim. Who dropped out? Well... LAUGHTER ..UTS... LAUGHTER I'll tell you now it was Acastid.

OK, it was Acastid. And how else did you try? LAUGHTER OK, OK. Do you want to... Do we do it? Yeah, let. Okay, it was Acastic. And who else did you try? LAUGHTER You want to do it? Do you want to do it? Yeah, let's go. Let's go. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. Kitsons said, go fuck yourself.

Of course. Of course. I know there was a clear hour between Kitson and me. Yeah. LAUGHTER I don't doubt it was an hour of planning to call me. LAUGHTER Just psyching ourselves up. What time did I message you?

22, 40, 22, 48. I've got Hay Matthew, I'm afraid I can't do it tomorrow. I'm in Norfolk with family. I'd be in Bucks to do that. Oh, Bucks to the... Bucks to the... A generational talent. We'd have been good. LAUGHTER

Er, the Kerns left me on red all night. LAUGHTER I was with Kern. And then... He's at the crits. He's just why I never remember his name. And then he dropped me in the shit at 9.52 this morning. So yeah, Pasco couldn't do it.

Fucking hell, everybody. Pasco, hang on a minute. Kerns, I'll accept. Pasco is out of alphabetical order. You're not scrolling through. You've scrolled, past me. Third time through. I can't. Let me see if I can find the conversation we had about texting you.

Because. Where the fuck was it? Because I basically said, I mean I'll ask, but it'll say no. So that's the reason I didn't, I didn't message you. For the first five years we did this podcast, we used to ask Tim maybe twice a year to come on it and every time we'd say he had a christening. He knows a lot of young people, that's it. She's got a very long name. We were recording at half seven on a Tuesday. But it's like the old christening last. You're here now anyway, it's one of,

should we get cracking with her? Have you named all of the people? No, no. That's not what I'm saying. I've named the people. OK, I'll take right, I'll take right. I'm very quickly, pass go no. Phil Wang no. Rommesh, no. Here's what you could have won.

Yeah. Who else? Did you go back to Acaster? There was a point around midnight. I was quite tempted. Yeah, Wang is the Tom Allen, was the act dominant, Wilkins, Finashden, B-Brett, Goldstein. LAUGHTER

Christ. Goldstein, he's got back on the list! LAUGHTER Yeah. Only because we thought you would say no. Well, I didn't say no to the... Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! F... I just said yes, you can make it. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh I've had to push a drink back by an hour. Are you sure you can't be tempted to start pre-drinking? I don't want to drink that stuff. Oh, you've got to.

I don't want to drink that stuff. Let's just why you weren't first on the list. Let's, John Kerns, would've been not steepen out of a car by now. He probably is. He probably is. Yeah. Well, I tell you what, to make it up to you, do you want to do the first beef? Do you want to do the dough, but he's beefed. You asked me to do that as if I know what the show is.

Where's... You're working out. It's padding. It's a bit off menu when you're handing me that. It's padding here. Paddy's over there. We've got Paddy over there. All right. So Tim, what was Paddy?

What's Paddy's festive problem that we're about to solve tonight? Give us enough. No, just some just. You're watching, Gwyn. Don't watch, don't worry about it. I'll watch you over. Yes, I'll watch you. I'll read this.

OK. I'm a huge fan of Gwyn's. He's great. Gwyn's amazing. Right. So let me look at him. You're talking to someone who watched Australia against Tunisia with Gwynn. Lovely.

He's a lovely bloke. We're not talking about Gwynn now. Where's Paddy? Hello Paddy. Oh yes, this is absolutely perfect. This year, because my mum invited too many people for Christmas, I've been asked to sleep in a tent in the garden. Oh! Oh, Paddy!

Oh, it's pure. It's pure. It's pure, Paddy. Poor old Pad. Oh, Paddy. And you've got any questions for Patti before we start trying to solve this problem. What's a tent?

What kind of tent are we talking? I don't think that's a question. Is that wrong? I mean, any tent is a bad tent, right? Oh, I don't know. You're being a bit unfair on wigwams, though. That's true, yeah. If he meant, yeah, you know what I said, yeah. He's not glamping.

All right, for enough. Paddy, no further questions, Paddy. He's a chatting mother fucker that Paddy, isn't he? No, I'm not. Are you having to pitch it? Uh, yeah. Brutal. Oh, that's fast.

In this way. I think in your own grave. Oh, never let Clarky pitch your tent by the way. He's terrible at it. He's terrible. Put the shovel down, Clarky. Why is this tent going to basement? So let me tuck you in.

So, Key, what's your sleeping arrangement over Christmas? You are? You You are pretty good. Oh, you know, pretty good. Yeah, I've received the text saying, I'm going to my brother in his family's house. I've got a text from a sister in law saying, now, are you planning to do you need a bed? Right, yeah. And I'm like, yeah, I'd like a bed. A bed to be good.

So she said, you can definitely stay on Friday, but Gigi's coming on the Saturday. You stay on Christmas Eve, but Gigi's coming on Christmas Day. What? So, I'm looking at that thinking, it's like when you sort of travel to the world cup and you've got tickets to the semis and you don't know whether you've got the final. I'm like looking at it thinking, okay, so jobs are good and for Christmas Eve, Christmas day, the day itself will be fun, I might have to leave. It sounds like twins getting a phone call.

Oh, Tunisia, bro. Yeah, no, no, we're there. And so, I mean, it's a tricky one for Paddy here. Oh, it's a good fucked Paddy. Yeah, that's no good, man. No, it's the spirit of Christmas, isn here. Oh, it's a fucked Paddy. Yeah. That's no good, man. No, it's the spirit of Christmas. Is it? There's no room at the end? No, yeah. Sometimes isn't.

The trouble... I've got... I've got trouble with my arrangements, says, we were fine, but now they've invited Joel Dormit, Brett Goldstein, for... No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I'm not worried about Daniel Pizz. Yeah, that's how I got the nod in the first place. Very interesting. So, Paddy, are you telling me that, like, literally, all of the floor space, there's not, you couldn't put some so-for-cushions down on the floor. There's got to be some floor space, some way.

For-space, man. I've been offered the kitchen. No! Bad floor! Kitchen floor! The worst floor! That's a conund, is it, is, Kitchen worse than tenter?

Bad floor in a kitchen. It's a cold floor in a kitchen. And also if they keep the cooking Christmas dinner and stuff, that's a floor that's going to be, you can need to vacate it around sort of half past five, six in the morning. Yeah, I tell you what, for half past five, six in the morning, you know what you're saying? Adults' feet. Yeah. Exactly.

Smelling sprouts, seeing Adults feet. Paddy, are you in the tent on your tard? Oh, lovely. Yeah. To make matters worse, the reason I've been asked to go in the tent is I'm the only one without a partner. No! Well, we're going to solve that tonight, baby! Gwint up! Right.

I don't know if you're a fan of the outdoors. I might be free on Christmas Day. Yeah. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER LAUGHTER LAUGHTER LAUGHTER So, how many siblings are we talking about here in the setup? Well, it's only one, but... What? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, What happened was that we had a family wedding and my mum got a bit drunk and went around inviting everyone for Christmas and way too many people said yes.

Oh no! The wedding band. The wedding band. Yeah. So, basically everyone's coming. She's hired a camper van for the front garden for extra people, but even that's not enough, so I'm an attendant in the back. Simon, you've been bumped from the camp of act.

What have you done to your family? Well, if you're the sun, you can be treated the worst, right? You can't say that to some random inn or that's coming. You can do that to your son, I guess. You can? No, no, no. Is there any kind of outhouse to quite... Yeah, you live in the Wild West. It's quite something you can bust down in.

Just think about your house again, is there a little cottage in the garden? Just think about your house again, is there a little cottage in the garden? I'm talking a lean to, a garage, a shed, a tree house, head house. I'm really enjoying all the fugitive stuff. Thank you. I really appreciate it. My first ever date I was, Michellee Walton. Oh. I'm actually not watching on the screen.

We had filmed trying to get a kiss into the fugitive. What was the script? The script writer has not managed it. LAUGHTER Have you got a garage, a shed, a lean two? And outhouse, is that someone? Why is that so? I think that's colder than a ten.

That's colder than a ten. Oh yeah, a garage. We'll just forget that phrase. This is colder than a ten. a fwy. Mae'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy'r fwy' quite wide is she's got custom it but they're more like symbols it's a very Spanish Christmas you can tell from the name Paddy he's Spanish through in the family Paddy it's got to be Spanish yeah so you want to go to the custom there is a deeply Spanish man is Paddy, but has, so is there anybody who's being invited to the Christmas shenanigans that is not directly related to you, that you could sort of fill out a former relationship with before? I got that. I mean, oh okay, that one's all right.

Are you talking about an in-family sexual relationship? No, he's specifically, isn't he's talking about out of family sexual relations. Okay, are you sexual relations? Weird, you have to preface it. Yeah. Weird when you preface it like that actually. I'm going on a date with someone I'm not related to next week. Oh, congratulations.

I'm not related to next week. Oh, congratulations. Congratulations. Bit weird, but good luck. It's actually making me miss living in the West Midlands. LAUGHTER But if you remember the question, could you answer it? Well, that sounds harder than just trying to force one of them not to come. You're a...

Oh, shawty! Took a sinister turn, Paddy. Back yourself, you're a charming man, Paddy. I don't think we should... That sentence proves him. We shouldn't rest until we get you in the camp... I think the goal is the campervan. Surely. Surely we can get this man in the campervan. We can aim higher is the campervan surely surely we can get this man in the campervan We can aim higher than the campervan I think we can reach for the stars

Who's in your parents bed? That's a good can you get scared in the night? Yeah, in the tent. Not be scared of this deepening of tent. Get scared in the night and go on a date. Where do you know? Daddy date. When I was about 11, we went to my auntie and uncle's house on Anglesy.

And me and my cousin camped in the back garden to have a camping experience. And we were saying to make it a proper camping experience We shouldn't go in the house to go to the toilet and I took a shit in the back So problem solve had a Thanks very much And what my house with a leaf I'm getting out of the song. And what, my ass with the leaf? No one do your ass get about an outhouse.

Sorry, anyway, sorry, that was just a memory. Does that help at all, Patti? Is that your information, do you? And you did a wee on the astroturf with a combs as well, didn't you? It was parry, but anyway, did you? I was drunk. Anyway, listen, does that sort of come some way to solving your problem? Yeah, that's loads of help. Yeah.

Does anyone have any other solutions apart from creeping in with my dad? Don't go. Oh. Whoa. That's it, isn't it? If you're not valued enough to not be allowed to stay in the house, or in the camp van, you're like, well, you're putting all above me. You are valued, Paddy. You

are valued, right? I don't get stories. That's it. Have you got a place, well, quick question, Paddy, have you got a place at the Christmas table, do we think? Yeah, I hope that's going to be throwing food at the window to him in the tent. Foraging, is it? Tough to solve now, isn't it? Well, sorry, Paddy. Sorry, sorry, darling. Here's the thing, man. I'm sorry we had a big, sorry.

Sorry, mate. Here we go. Catherine W. writes, Catherine W. in the house, have you watched the world cup game with Tim Key? No. Okay. Yet. No. Okay. Yet? Catherine W says, My parents are divorced and over Christmas,

Me and my siblings go to my dad's house after Christmas, Where we are then forced to eat another entire Christmas lunch. Oh, you're dippling me! Two hours after the first. Oh! To compound matters, oh and here's the first. Oh! To compound matters, oh, and here's the rub. My dad, Christmas dinner number two, is a much better cook.

This has been happening for 23 years. Yeah, now. Well, we're here just in the nick of time. LAUGHTER And then she says, the break during COVID was honestly a relief. But I think that's just about our live shows. Wow, there you go, double dinners. I love the twist at the best one second.

Yeah. So it's all, you know, you're suffering from too much Christmas, whereas Paddy, just not enough Christmas. Yeah. Hey. Yeah. Hey! Yeah. Hey! It's all coming together.

It's all coming together. Paddy, you're spending Christmas with Cap and his mum. She's not a great cook, but crucially, four walls in a roof. Well. Oh. I thought, I was going to say, let's see what she can do on a camp stove. Crucially four walls in a roof. I'm going to say let's see what she can do on a camp stove. So do you lay off on the first dinner? Do you ease off a little bit? No, we try that, but that doesn't go down well.

There's dome of food, like a full half sphere, and we have to eat it all. And they know. They know you're going for another game. Sorry, you're not picking up on dome of food. Yeah. LAUGHTER Wait. It's a Christmas dinner that weather can't ruin. You've never enjoyed a dome of food.

I've never had a centre park, Sturkey. What does she mean, Asker? LAUGHTER What does she mean, Asuka? Ask the poor girl what she means. Our sixth choice guest would like to know... So you did not stop it? When you would be busy. So do you get the most food from the first appointment? What? She means, sorry. What? When you would be busy. So do you get the most food from the first point?

She'd make it inside. What? Oh, yeah, see, I just... Can't you have a picture? Are they blending everything? Is it putting it in a jelly mold? Ask the girl. What do you mean by Dome of Food?

She's painting a picture with her words! I got it! It's a Dome! It's a Dome! Dome of Food! I'm glad we got to the bottom of that. Now you can ask your next question. How big is the dome? Same question to Paddy. Have you thought LAUGHTER Have you thought about extreme exercise for two hours between dinners? I think we'd be... How far away is the second dinner from the first dinner?

Nine miles. That's a good run that is. Not a good run after Christmas dinner. Not after a dome, man! Um... Fucking hell. That can't be our answer to everyone's problems. If they're nine miles apart, why can you not alternate year on year? Mum and dad and mum.

We've gone beyond on that. There's no negotiation. No, there's not No, no go show 23 years 23 years But the year the time to do that Matt is year two But he he was still struggling after the divorce He was still struggling after the divorce. Yeah, of course. I know him. OK. Surely threw himself into his cooking.

It was a horrible phrase, but he was scared to bring it up. Is it a case of food bag? Now, what I mean by that is... Yeah. Pick him up on food bag. Now, what I mean by that is... Yeah, pick him up on food backwards. So, be fair, I've had the good grades to pick myself up on food back. Okay, okay. Okay, what we're talking here is a bag, plastic bag, it goes round your neck

on a string, and then goes down underneath your pullover and then in Christmas dinner number one you're very much forking the turkey down. Oh a food bag! Food bag. That's a good idea and I think as well that actually the beard and stash that Paris got on would be the perfect thing to wear with your food bag as a little disguise to hide your heart, you pop it under the beard. I'm doing that, the inverse of that.

I'm eating a Christmas dinner right now. LAUGHTER Squeezing it up. I've got to... LAUGHTER This is just a food bag. LAUGHTER Surely delay the second meal.

Would they go as far as that? By a day. Not an option. Not an option. By a year? Not an option. Why don't you just work on a really entertaining long anecdote that's three hours long to delay starting the meal? The second meal. I can't believe that was such a controversial suggestion. No, you fucked that. So you're suggesting that you would want another Christmas meal,

just a bit more time is needed. Yeah, you're saying. Yeah, you've got a store. If you're told a really long story, you guys are how, we know it's nine miles, what's the sort of amount of time before you're sitting down for meal number one? That meal number two even. Meal number one is at 12, meal number two is at two. Oh no! That's not on the... for meal number one. Meal number two even. Meal number one is at 12. Meal number two is at two. Oh! No! That's not on the... That's mental.

We can't have that. Right, firstly, I'm going to say, the first thing you want to do is suggest Mum starts at 10.30. By the way, this is not... You've got to push him both sides. This is, yeah, I agree, but I don't think Mum's out of order.

I think midday, when you said midday, I think we're all thinking, great, they've done their bit. Yeah. I think the second one has to be at six. Yeah. Yeah. And how did you get there? You don't really long.

And it doesn't. F*** me! There's no negotiation. Do you think there's a chance that they might get back together? These things often move in certain ways. In don't. The classic case of an inter-family relationship there, wouldn't it? Never guess who I'm shagging, my husband.

My step-dirt and step-mom probably wouldn't be happy with that. Fair enough, yeah. Yeah, yeah. It's true, it would then be another... I suppose you'd then be looking at four meals. Would you have three? I'd do the math. I'd be three meals, wouldn't I?

Is it Turkey both times? Yeah. Traditional. And again, is there anything with you? Could you say to you, I mean, I don't know if it would make much difference. Could you say to your dad, this year we'd really like something different, just do us a burger king or something? Something that's just, to beat you.

They didn't know, they would do it until we were about 10. And then we told them, they were like, oh, we'd never do that to you. I'm so sorry, but that was 17 years ago. LAUGHTER

But it sounds like a picture. I'm not on that side here. The picture you're painting of your dad is that he is someone who likes to stretch himself in the kitchen. LAUGHTER The picture you're painting of your dad is that he is someone who likes to stretch himself in the kitchen. There's no use looking for more meaning in what I've just said. She said he's a bad cook.

Well I mean I don't know what's happened there. I've just said something and everyone's disappointed because they're trying to work out what I mean. Yeah. That would be on the anecdotes, mate. I'll tell you, they go cold really quickly. And what about, what about persuading one of them to move to a different time zone? Oh, nice. Like if you get the dad to Australia, that buys you a day. I think it's a lot more expensive,

but you're right, crucially it does buy you a lot of time. Don't eat on the plane. Yeah. You'll be famished, ready to go? Does that seem like a possibility, Catherine, that your dad might be convinced to move to Australia? I can try. So we've got beef so we have to be beef so we've got beef so we've got beef so we've got beef so we've got beef so we've got beef so we've got beef so we've got beef so we've got beef so we've got beef so we've got beef so we've got beef so we've got beef so we've got beef so we've got beef so we've got beef so we've got beef so we've got beef so we've got beef so we've got beef so we've got beef so we've got beef so we've got beef so we've got beef so we've got beef so we've got beef so we've got beef so we've got beef so we've got beef so we've got beef so we've got beef so we've got beef so we've got beef so we've got beef so we've got beef so we've got beef so we've got beef so we've got beef so we've got beef so we've got beef so we've got beef so we've got beef so we've got beef so we've got beef so we've got beef so we've got beef so we've got beef so we've got beef so we've got beef so we've got beef so we've got beef so we've got beef so we've got beef so we've got beef so we've got beef so we've got beef so we've got beef so we've got beef so we've got beef so we've got beef so we've got beef so we've got beef so we've got beef so we've got beef so we've got beef so we've got beef so we've got beef so we've got beef so we've got beef so we've got beef so we've got beef so we've got beef so we've from a Sonic Eigenbeast! Do you want to do this one from Archie? This is from Mon Arles. Oh Archie. I would love to. Hello Paps!

Hello, this guest. Yeah, you can make it. Cool. He wrote it. I have a very serious holiday beef. My beef is with Christmas music. I think it is overplayed, and most of it is not very good. I think people just associate it with good feeling of giving and receiving gifts rather

than actually enjoying it. I propose that Christmas music can only be played on Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and maybe Boxing Day, your thoughts, cheers and happy holidays, Aaron. I tell you my thoughts Aaron fuck you Big soul That's a long one. It's a junky one. Yeah, it's a long one. You can drop through, I'm sure. Advent Calendar Beef from Joe. MB, Joe is here tonight. Joe, are you here tonight? Hello, Joe. I have a festive beef relating to Advent calendars. My girlfriend of 12 years willfully get to Advent calendars wrong. I always buy years willfully gets advent calendars wrong!

I always buy one for each of us in the house, my girlfriend, my stepson and myself, even though my girlfriend and I are now in our 40s and probably too old for such things by now, you're never too old, Joe. The kid and I are on the same page, we open that day's cardboard door, scrape back the foil covering and have the tiny star-slash angel slash elf-shaped chocolate and leave the door open so the open doors add up as the months progresses. I can tell why this is long. Yeah. The open, the advent calendar is basically. A lot of detail there. A lot of detail. It's a bit of fun, a tiny treat and it adds to the

builder participation for the big day. My girlfriend, on the other hand, sometimes she banks the chocolates for days, so she has a few to open at once. I kind of understand the rationale, because one tiny chocolate isn't much of a treat, so why not gather a few to have at once? But she also tears open the calendar

with no reverence for the occasion. Swiping at it, like a bear trying to open a picnic bus. So now I'm glad it's long, this is beautiful. She does this purely to wind me up, she knows it gets on my nerves a bit and now seems as much a part of her festive traditions as my traditional calendar opening although One year she just couldn't be bothered with it at all I'd go and get my calendar to get that days chocolate and I'd offer to bring her so she could have her days Chocolate all the banked ones as the days progressed

She didn't have any of them She went the whole of December without eating any of the advent chocolate. That's fucking unhinged. Beef solved. The calendar stayed shoved down the side of the sofa. It got to April! Of the following year and she decided that she wanted some chocolate. So I went looking for the calendar, oh sorry he says he's girlfriend to squirrel. Sorry, sorry I missed that at the start. His girlfriend is a squirrel.

She went to the calendar but it was gone. The boy had located it sometime early in the year and being 11 years old at the time couldn't resist the temptation. He's snuck it up to his room. And whacked over it, no. No. Um, no. Sorry.

Here I go. He's snuck it up to his room and scoffed the lot. I guess she snoozed so she loosed. Doesn't make it okay for the boy to have stolen the calendar, but if my girlfriend had just joined him with the advent tradition, it would not have happened. Should she be so advent-correctly, or should I chill out about the whole thing? That's for you and your esteemed guest to decide. Cheers everyone by Joe42 Bristol. PS, I was born on a cold January morning in 1917. No, no.

PS, I will be at the live festive show. I'm making the trip from Bristol. Oh! Really looking forward to it. Joe, everyone, Joe's here. Yeah. APPLAUSE Kei, where do you stand on Advent calendars? Listen, that one, I've got a different view on this one.

Okay, I think there's a line in there that really got me, and it's where you said that it's part of the Christmas tradition that you're just going to keep doing this, and that's what I am with it. I think that sounds like a quite fun thing for it to play out like this in perpetuity and you know you should be pleased with what you have. Thanks. Yeah. So I did like a threat at the end. No, no, no. Some of us are sleeping in fucking tent, mate. Yeah, I know that. But also, being together 12 years, kids 11, you got cracking, eh?

Not technically mine, isn't it? Someone likes to stretch himself in a kitchen. Someone likes to stretch himself in a kitchen. So Tim, what you're saying is, Basis? Oh, sir, Tim, it's Tim. I think you're thinking of the guest you wanted to be. Tim Bernis Lee, we hope you get him. He was busy. He was busy, yeah.

He was busy. He's still on dial-up, can you believe it? Matt. Anyway, yeah. So you're saying basically, make that your tradition. Yeah, I think, don't go changing. I think that sounds good, what you're doing. What, don't? Her being, her not taking part in the Advant Calendar tradition

should be part of the tradition. I think the whole thing is lush. Great. Oh. Yeah. What do you think? I agree. I mean, well, I think there's I think that sometimes there isn't a problem to be solved. I'd say the bad thing that that should happen in some, you know, detective episodes they should just go, I think there isn't a problem here. But there's seven murders are sold. They are not coming. I'm kind

of cool with the murders. That's our tradition now. We're just murder seven people. Well it's quite... I'm sitting up there. Yeah, do you... Well, Clarky, you don't agree with him? No, I look, look. I think, look. I think it's OK to pleasure delay. Lick. Right, what do you want? What do you want?

Stretch yourself for the kitchen. Egeicalender. All of that's fine. But I think. That's a buck coming. Yeah. There's a big buck coming to him. LAUGHTER You...

You can't not fucking open any of it. Like, then... That way madness lies. What the fuck are we doing, people? If we're just letting advent calendars go to waste, we've lost our minds, we've lost our way. That's a Christmas. What is this?

It's woke madness, is it? Yes, it is. It's the one. Thank you Tom, thank you for the woke. It's the woke party. Don't leave now, don't leave now, mate. We're strapping for some truth, boss. I'm out. There was someone woken the pub last night.

Oh, no. Yeah. Anyway, carry on, carry on. Nothing works. You said enough, really. You said you have nothing works. Nothing works. You can't do a picture. We get it. We get it. So, so what? Could you, because there's a thing about affect calendars, right? If you buy them now,

they're bigger, they're a bit huge. If you buy them now, they're cheaper than they were before Advent. Oh really? If you buy them after Advent, they're dirt cheap, they can't get rid of them. Why don't you just buy a bunch afterwards and just hide them all over the place,

have them under the sofa cushions, have them, you know, buying the assisted in the loo, have them in the tent, you're back garden, all the places you normally keep your most precious things, keep avancams around, and then it doesn't really matter if she gets, also, who the fuck gets hungry for chocolate? What's an advent calendar? Yeah.

It's the worst chocolate, just buy a low chocolate bar, just always have chocolate in the house. I don't think it's ever, it's not big enough to know what it tastes like. Like it could be, it could be really good chocolate. Like it could be really good chocolate. Or it could be really bad chocolate. I never know. It's always gone by the time.

I'm like, was that really nice? Or was it really shit? And it's like, if someone gave me a bar of advent kind of chocolate, I'd be able to work out what I'm dealing with. Same as with an Easter egg. If someone said to me, Paracetamol. LAUGHTER Get nothing off this.

If someone said you're allowed to get a sarcastic intake... If someone said you're allowed an Easter Egg's worth of chocolate, I have no concept of how much chocolate that is. Like, could you picture an Easter Egg at Worth a Mac of Chocolate that isn't in the shape of an Easter Egg? I'd say it's... For me, I'd say that's about four Yorkies. Oh, that's your, you were saying four Yorkies. I'm saying an Easter egg's worth of chocolate is about four Yorkies. I reckon it's one, I reckon it's one, we're also, like Easter eggs they're all different sizes, so that's the problem. But, no, we're talking the standard

size. Oh, the four Yorkie size? Yeah, it's a weird one. It's like, I'd say each individual bit of chocolate in an advent calendar, that's what, like two yogis? Do you reckon you get two yogis worth of in an entire calendar? Well look, the point I want to make is the following. You've got another point to make. I do reckon that, and this is due with wealth. Oh, okay. How much is an advent calendar?

How much is an advent calendar? I'm going to say £7. Yeah. Okay. How much is an advent calendar? How much is an advent calendar? I'm going to say £7. Oh my God, somebody still gets his advent calendar's bought for him. Well, I'll tell you this, the hotel chocolate one that I got from Paddy's in station was £13. Hotel chocolate one. I've had a big year mate.

Now this is what I'm trying to say. You've had a big year. I think it's not beyond you and your means to buy 24 advent calendars. And then I think you know what's going down in your house. LAUGHTER Diabetes! LAUGHTER

The most expensive Adam and Calendrian high-tile chocolate? 70 pounds. What the fuck? What's the most expensive thing, do you think of all? Great question. Yeah. Great question. What's the most expensive thing, do you think of all? Great question. Yeah. Great question. What's the most expensive thing you could buy?

And that's a different podcast. I know any ideas that are the most expensive thing that you could get. This leads into my question, how much egg is in a faba j egg? It's a great question. It's a great question. Two faba Yorkies? Four faba Yorkies, I know. It's a great question. It's a great question. It's two bad boys. Two bad boys are Yorkies?

Four bad boys are Yorkies, I don't know. But what, yeah, good question. Do you want us to go down the line and say the most expensive thing? I'm happy to start really, really, really big yachts with diamonds. Oh, diamond yacht. Yeah, obviously, yeah, diamonds like not so many that it sinks Because then it's worth it's worthless, but a really really big yacht covered in diamonds most expensive thing Great great great. I think a an island

And it's covered in diamonds Oh, God. Oh, God. And it's covered in diamonds. A diamond. I thought it was a diamond. Oh, I got it. It's Mona Lisa. Diamonds in the eyes.

Good luck. Oh. That's my favourite song of Grateland, that is. Are you trying to get another beer? My Clangelo's David, made out of chocolate from hotel chocolate, diamond in the eyes. Yeah! Boop's solved! Boop's solved!

That's like a beast! Right, let's do this one from Jack. This is from Jack. We have a large family, right, Jack. Seven siblings on it? Yeah, we have a large, large, large family. Seven siblings on one side, four on the other. And so, always do a secret centre for siblings. I got it.

Seven on one side, four on the other. Yeah. Have you not separated your family into two? LAUGHTER With me, it's four of us, we've got a brother on each side. Right, yeah, yeah. Then we've got the mum over there and the dad over there. Yeah. Thanks to Boutio for making. Like Stabutio formation.

Yeah, it's the classic 7-4 formation pro family, yeah. Okay. What are they more even? It's mad, isn't it really? It should be a 5 and a 6. Yeah, definitely. I'll play a 5 and a 6 if I'm not a problem. You got it, you got it. You got it, you got it.

At the knockout stage, is your half fit? You assume that one of the four is covered in diamonds. So that's why. So yeah, so we got... They always do a secret Santa for the siblings. My sister-in-law always asks explicitly for a John Lewis voucher for the major Lewis properly Well now I'm panicking

For a John Lewis voucher. That's better. Yeah, okay my sister always asked explicitly for a John Lewis voucher perfect You're dealing with the king of the voice over for the max present value, I have her this year. Do I just give up and buy it or somehow teach you the spirit of Christmas through a different gift? That is from Jack. It's a tricky one, isn't it? This one? Because is it the spirit of Christmas? You do things my fucking way. Is that the spirit of Christmas? That's kind of what he's, it's either you do it my way or you do it someone else's way. That's the spirit of Christmas. I think you do it someone else's way and that's a great Christmas

I think you're strong-arming spirit into people. Yeah, what? Well, it's either do I get her exactly what she's asked for or do I get her what I think is a is a sweet gift But isn't something she wants that's the that's the question isn't it? I've got to say this is the first one I wasn't properly listening to okay That's the question, isn't it? Gotta say, this is the first one I wasn't properly listening to. OK. LAUGHTER Just...

Sure. The first one. You've got to the word Lewis and thought, something's wrong here. And you fixate it on it. Lewis, what's the thought? Read out again. So basically, he's got his...

He's got his... He's got his sister-in-law in the secret center, right? Okay. And she has asked for the, she's asking for something in the secret center. It's secret center, yes. I'm not a secret planner. And they've got, like, I say they're spending, I don't know, 20 quid each, she's asked for a 20 quid John Lewis out, you know. Is this person here with the room? They're not in the room, no. Fuck, now we need to get to the bottom of this.

They wouldn't get out of this room. We'll tear them apart, no, in this room. You don't ask, you don't lobby for your secret Santa. Yeah, you can't, if it's a secret Santa, you can't. You can't, no, you can't. That's just, I'm sorry, you can't. That's just a Santa. That's a Santa.

That's a Santa. Beef's salt. Yeah. So all right, okay, let's, let's, let's ignore the terms. You can't ignore the terms. This is the only way to hold the term. Let's say ignore what I've said. This solves this.

I'm not ignoring the terms. I'm sorry, these two might. I'm not ignoring the terms. The system is, they've got a festive lotto. Yeah, right. Ah, right. OK. It's a festive lotto.

It's a festive lotto. Oh, he's just missed this name. I'm going to ignore that term. He's a festive lotto. Oh! He's just missed... This is so I'm not going to ignore that, huh? It's a... He's just... He's just missed named it a secret sante. It's a festive lotto, and he wants to know he's got his sister-in-law in the secret sante

in the festive lotto, and... Does he get her? Does he get her the John Lewis voucher? Or does he get her something that he would like to get because he thinks it's a bit more Christmassy? What do you think? Well, look, I've been invited on to this show to give my opinion on these things. You have indeed, yeah. In the end. In the end.

I, my opinion, is the following. I think you're not getting, I don't care who you are, for any secret santa or festive lotto, any of these terms, you're not getting I don't care who you are for any secret Santa or festive lot so any of these terms You're not getting a voucher. I'm sorry. That doesn't happen not on my watch You buy a present all right here we go I like and if that present happens to be absolute feces then What do you suggest instead say you've got 20 quid to play. What are you suggesting that they get instead of a John Lewis voucher? The problem is, sorry, I hate to go back to it. It's on the part where it listens, it's fine.

The problem is with a 20-pound John Lewis voucher. Is he not fucking getting another John Lewis, are you? Oh! We're coming back to your wedding list, I thought, yeah. LAUGHTER Look, you were invited, albeit eventually. Dominic dropped out, there was a slot. Here's your two flannels, where's the buffet?

LAUGHTER LAUGHTER Oh... The first flannel wrapped in the second flannel. It's not good enough, Key. Well, you're the last question. What would you get instead of the voucher? Do we know anything about these people? We don't know anything about Madeline. They draw down their family. We know that Jack has said, somehow teach you the spirit of Christmas

through a different gift. If you were trying to hack, why haven't I put it in my head that these people are Spanish? It's the cast of it. The cast of it. It's just playing old Jack. Well, there's nothing Spanish.

No, no. Is it not? The nature answer. What are you going to say, pinata? Is that what you did like is pronunciation of John Lewis? It's Juan. Juan Lewis. Juan Lewis. Juan Lewis.

God, have any of these things been from Spanish people? No. No. No. Absolutely mad. Did you think it's because I did the Spanish version of your podcast last week? Yes. And you were me, but no. Oh, is alright. You were okay, yeah. James A. Castonet dropped out, didn't you? Yes, I confirmed, I've cycled through all of the other people and can get anything Spanish out of them. Don't know, I'm Spanish. Sure you could do something in Pasco.

Surely. So anyway, with that in mind, about that they're not Spanish. Yes, now we're talking. What would you, you're back on side, what would you get somebody to teach them the spirit of Christmas? What gift would you get for somebody to teach them the spirit of Christmas? What gift would you get for somebody to teach them a spirit of Christmas? For your keys? Teach them the spirit of Christmas. Oh, I don't know.

Okay Fred. We don't... So warm. We don't, we don't, so worn. Well, that would be as specific. I think we can safely say, no to money in cards, no to vouchers, and no to requesting a specific present. Totally. And I think if we go on, those three things, and if you just put it to the group and say, in total the secret Santa, the festive lotto,

they're the three things. Let's all agree, Felith Navidad, off we go. The problem with this, we get back to the whole thing of tradition now, isn't it? The thing that Catherine has, so you're suggesting now that before Christmas, he sits him down and goes, right, the seven of you, the four of you, we need to change our system completely, right? Yeah. Yeah. We need to, there's no no request you get what you're given

But it's gonna come from a place of trying to teach you this I can't believe this can't get in this amount of air time Good evening. It's done in it. It's a fair point beef salt I think we've got I think we've got time for I think we've got time for one more haven't we? We've got time for one more, right? Key just checked his watch. Yeah, I'd loved what I saw. LAUGHTER It's flown by! It's flown by!

LAUGHTER The more beef's the better. OK. This is from Q, who'd like to be anonymous, but they go, and it's Q. LAUGHTER It's not...it's not, it's not, it's not queue, it can't be kept. So it says,

dear turkey brothers and Mr. A. Castor, scroll that out right key. Okay. So here is my festive dilemma. My mother always said, hate is a strong word. You just like not hate. Well, let me tell you, I hate my coworker.

Whoa. Whoa. This is more like the dilemma. The dilemma lies here. He rides a bicycle to work and I drive. Every year, on our last day before breaking up for Christmas, we have a relaxed last day of work and exchange secret center and gifts off the boss.

Lovely stuff. OK. I love, love, love this beef. Here we go. I think the bike stuff is coming back in, isn't it? Well, oh yeah, oh yeah. Oh yeah. So I'll check off's bike. Okay, you couldn't be more right. He can't take his gift home on his bicycle. So there we go. That's brilliant. End of beef. He can't take his gift home on his bicycle as our boss spoils us. I happen to live round the corner from him.

So for years now, I've picked him up and dropped him home on this festive break up. I have never enjoyed this. Whoa! But if sucked it up, however, I've reached my boiling point this year and really don't want my break up for Christmas to be soured by this ultimate Grinch. For some context, he constantly bitches about me behind my back and my friend at work tells you what he said.

What? Great friend. Ha ha ha. Slagging off my work ethic and bitching about stuff that's none of his business. He's incredibly nosy and just loves to moan about everything. He's also a massive, sneaky, sneaky, grass grass to the... Oh, that's got...

Can we bleep that? Is it tilapial to the live screen? Atta, bit of straw. Well, stick around, Clarky. He's also a massive, sneaky, sneaky, grass grass to the gaffer'm straight. That's a bit of a job. Well, stick around, Clarky. He's also a massive, sneaky grass grass to the gaffer, who also thinks he's a cunt. Oh! Whoa!

And he's been in brackets. Her words, not mine. I'm good at my job. I like... Run them down! Chill out, mate! This gig's turned! Yeah!

I love it! Yeah. This is the kind of anti-woke, truth-telling session that we've been craving for. This guy at the pub last night. Oh my god. You don't even have to say... We know.

I'm good at my job and I'm getting with everyone that works there, but he is that bad to work with. I'm now looking to move elsewhere. So what do I do? Take the Chris Rhea approach and drive him home for Christmas. Or say, happy Christmas you ask. I pray God it's our last. Merry Christmas, you filthy animals, and happy new year, all the best cue.

It's a good one. Oh, it's a good one. It's a really, really good one. It's a good one. It's a really, really good one. It's a juicy one. Also, it's like isn't Christmas about sort of putting your differences aside, getting a love, a love for all fellow men. Obviously you want to treat your nearest and dearest well, but you also want to, you know, it's like it's like Scrooge on Christmas morning. Contact three people. Oh, oh One of his old schoolmates. Yes

So one from his family current family and then hire yourself some kind of old undertaker dude and along the journey Home pick up a hitchhiker Any gets it's your old school friend John Thief and John Fies like yet. You're not getting John Thife this time, is it? Oh, we did text him, yeah, we tried him. We tried him. Yeah. He's writing for Dommit, isn't he? Yeah.

John Thife, whatever, he gets in. Tells him some kind of wise tale, dropping off, pick up a second one, and then by the time you drop him home, he'll be fine. Well, you're Christmas caroling, basically. You have hitchhikers on the road, and it's like, here's someone from your past. Let's have that, and then pulling at the services,

and your wife's there going, oh, you're a Christmas carol. Is that all of a service? What a fucking job. I love the bit of the services. LAUGHTER It's a bit of a service. Get the service, please. Which ghost does he meet at the petrol station?

Well, that's Christmas feature, of course. No, it's Christmas present at the services. It's bells and whistles. It's on a massage chair, it meets the people. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Get him a burger king, off you go. Do it all through the streets. That's the services.

That's right, he's going men, jawways, check your oil. Yeah, yeah. And then there's like a weird divergent on the country roads. There's your ghost of Christmas future. Point to a grave, get him home, Bosch.

Yeah. OK, so that's... I prefer mummed out. Yeah. LAUGHTER I take the side of cue. Cue, yeah, yeah. Yeah, there's nothing worse than being in a car with someone and he don't know him.

That's so awkward. And Q didn't ask for that to happen. And what do you think? In my head, this is Q from James Bond. No. Talking about James Bond. That's it. And I call these inventions.

He always robs you. He takes the piss out of me. He always breaks things. I'm really enjoying that bit, I worry. Well, I think I've more than made my point. This can't go on. You've got the finishing line inside, haven't you? No, no, not at all.

LAUGHTER It feels like a less Christmassy problem this. If there's a problematic person at your work, and you want to move jobs because of them, it feels like it goes beyond Christmas. Yeah, I mean, that's the big problem, but the immediate festive problem is he's got to drive him home at Christmas.

That's the thing. Well, small a gift. There he's got to drive him home at Christmas. That's the thing. Well, small a gift is obviously the silver bullet here. Put this silver bullet. But that's telling the... That's... Very small. That's telling the boss to be less generous, right? No, no, no, no, no.

No, the nature of Christmas gifts isn't the bigger it is, the more generous you are. No, no, that's... He's a small gift that is very nicely done. A diamond? Yeah. Yeah, a diamond. Doesn't have to be an island. Nope. Just be a diamond, yeah. Pop it in the right.

Could the answer to all this be Carpool Cariocae? Oh, you might have a point. I don't need a doubt. You'd never ride again. You never ride again, Lord. You're suggesting that he pops on a bit of a red-knocked chili peppers and sings a bit of that with them. Is that the idea?

I mean, I've not seen Caracarpal Cariochi. He plays a bunch of Christmas songs and they do a sing along. Yeah. He must, though, the idea of Cariochi. No, I don't know the idea that you're saying. So you're saying he says to him, oh, instead of us talking to each other, we both sing. You have a festive sing along. It's a good way to go.

It is a good idea. It's not being mean about James Corden. We're not being mean. I don't know. No, almost. No one has said anything. Listen, the thing is... The woker artis.

It's a good point because it's both, you know, it's both, it could work both ways. It either turns him off the idea or, you know, you can't really be an audit someone when you're singing with them, right? Exactly, you make a playlist, you put your top six Christmas bangers, yeah, that's it. From work to home, you start having a sing along, by the time you get home, I bet all your problems will have been solved, you don't even have to talk about it. Well, for me, I think it's a John Lewis voucher in the paniers. LAUGHTER

Which is not a euphemism for... Stretching yourself in the kitchen. No, no, no, no. I just gotta say it's not a euphemism for a toaster. LAUGHTER Is that beef solved? I think it is. It's beef solved.

It's beef solved. Right. Well. We don't have time for your... Can you give us your beef in a sentence? Oh, you know. That was great. Yeah, sure.

Well, a few years ago at Christmas, all the adults went to bed on Christmas Eve because it was like a big day the next day and I had to get a bed as well. I mean, I was 36, it was 9 o'clock. And the room I was in didn't have a TV. Oh, me. So I'm just sort of, I remember sitting on the edge of my bed, 36, and reading this, you know, it was a book of cricket anecdotes. And that was 20 years ago, and you're still talking about it.

Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, well, well, we've had fun anyway. Certainly had fun. That solved. Yeah, yeah, that's absolutely so. Right, we'd like to thank our guest, Tim Kei, everybody. Thank you.

Okay. We did all right in the end. We did really well. Tim. And the great thing is now I probably won't text you for about OK, we did all right in the end. We did really well. We did all right. Tim. And the great thing is now I probably won't text you for about another five years. And I will be, I'll come running.

Yeah. When does this go out? This goes out on, oh, yeah, you want to plug your show? Yeah, it goes out on Tuesday. This Tuesday? This Tuesday, yeah, yeah. Oh, right. Well, OK, no, it's not the show.

I've got a pack of festive playing cards. Oh, right. Well, okay. No, it's not the show. I've got a pack of festive playing cards. Oh, right. And you can buy them on utterimpress.co.uk or you can go through my Instagram. We've printed too many. Go on, what is there? What's this? We'll put a link to that in the show notes for this.

But one more time for Tim Kevry, buddy. Tim Kevry. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE From a zombie mega-pie! Well, wow, how was that? How was it? I'd love to think we nailed it. Well again, we're still in the same situation, we're recording this before Tim is even coming to see it. We're still here with trapped in the pre-gig nerves. I think it's all right to tell you exactly what happened to Book Timki. The reason we booked himki is we booked him very, very last minute. Basically, we had another guest who was unfortunately

unavailable but told me 9.30 last night. And it was, you know what, I will say one thing about it. It was quite a festive thing because you know the scene in it's a wonderful life. Yes. When they're calling round and everyone's going, George, Bailey's in trouble, George, Bailey's in trouble. Bailey's in trouble it was like that but the opposite yeah you know I can't do it I can't do it happy to be in trouble tough it was good they've had

this coming it was the great the great and good message to me back to say no but then Tim Key the message the message firstly one great tick on the WhatsApp didn't you add to Google what that meant? One gray tick, it means you've sent it. You've sent it. It hasn't been delivered. So I thought, possibly a block number. It would make sense.

And then eventually, two gray ticks, I thought, it's the room. And I went to bed last night, just after midnight, and it was still on two gray ticks. And then I woke up this morning, still on two gray ticks. And then just as I was getting in the car to drive my daughter to to the theater, you were going to train her up to be the guest weren't you? That's all I could do. Get to the theater. My own through her pace is my own disorder. My own disorder. But the thing is I know you're nervous around her as well, aren't you?

You might have any too much in your brain. Terrible. Terrible. But yeah, just as I was getting in the car, he said, as this has been solved, and I said, no, can you do it? He said, give me an hour. By the end of end of the show he'd confirmed I couldn't believe it. Sorry an hour is his slang for a thousand pounds I Will say one thing he did ask in fact I got the message back I got the video showed finished and I got a message everybody else said no like everyone else I asked you already said no one's point He was our last hope and I had just had a message from him saying what's the fee. And then like two minutes

later went, sorry I bottled that, I couldn't even keep it out of course. He's gonna have a bottle of water, of course he'll have a warning, but yeah, so thanks very much to Tim Key or indeed thanks to the three of us for busking through it without Tim Key. Stay tuned folks for next week, one will have a-chest slam down and then we'll take a little break for Christmas. And but most of all, thank you so much for being our loyal listener dear. Oh. Listening throughout the year.

Yeah, thank you so much. You're very special to us. You mean an awful lot to us and it's a privilege to spend time in your ear canal. We're another year through and here's to another year next year. Yeah, that that your plan? Are we moving down to the chin? Chin, yes. Out of the ear canal into the chin. No, Clark is saying here's to another chin this year. He's every year since 2000, he's having done it, he's got 23 chins on it next year. And, well, anyway, see you next week.

Tune everyone. Bye!