Pappy's Flatshare - Xmas Slamdown ep 1546: Nish Kumar & Amy Annette (Bring glad tidings of comfort and joy)

Episode Date: December 17, 2025

Neither “Tom!” nor “Ben!” want to bring glad tidings of comfort and joy… so Matthew says we’re gonna have to have a FESTIVE Flatshare Slamdown!Matthew Crosby, Ben Clark and Tom Parry Wicks recorded live at Underbelly Boulevard, Soho with guests Amy Annette and Nish KumarWithAmy Annette - https://www.instagram.com/theamyannette/Nish Kumar - https://www.instagram.com/mrnishkumarGwyn Rhys Davis - https://twitter.com/gwynrhysdaviesPappy's - https://www.instagram.com/pappyscomedy/Support us on Patreon - https://www.patreon.com/pappysflatshareFind tickets to all our live shows here - pappyscomedy.com/liveEdited by Emma Corsham Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Greetings listener dear, I'm Tom. I'm Ben. And I am Matthew. And here we are in the Underbelly Boulevard in Soho. There is, you know, there's Avikar on the stage. There's half-eaten mince pies. I've got some custard on the go. There shouldn't be Advocar on the stage.

There shouldn't be Avvacar on the stage. A, most of it's in my belly and lungs. A lot of it is in us and our guests. So this is, we've just, we've literally just finished. the festive papi's flat share slam down. We overran

and now we're recording in the venue which they would love us to leave. So we're going to keep this a brief introduction, guys. Basically welcome, welcome, welcome. Basically, welcome, welcome.

If I've got to sum it up in three words, it's going to be the same word three times, it's welcome, welcome, welcome. We've got to speed this alongside. We've got to speed up so. Amy is literally collapsed on the floor over there.

Amy has fallen over. She's absolutely habit. Amy, get out of way! Oh my God, right. Okay. Anyway, sorry, where were we? Welcome, welcome, welcome. Have I done welcome?

Have I done welcome, welcome, welcome? Anyway, we've got to be. So please, this introduction is here to say, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome. Welcome, welcome to this, Papu's Flatshear slam down. One of our tremendous guests, Amy Annette. It's tremendously pissed. She's absolutely, she's hammered. Oh, we had two brilliant guests.

It's Amy Annette. It's Nish Kumar. Oh, it's a wonderful time. It's live. It was very, very live. Amy, just sit down for a second, my goodness me. And we drank a lot of aviccar. We had a lot of fun and you're going to love,

you're going to love a lot of this. Some of it you might go, really? But I think most of it you'll enjoy it. And then other bits I don't talk. He's got the flu. He's got the flu, but welcome, welcome, welcome. You can't cancel a guy with the flu can you? Welcome, welcome, welcome.

You should say one thing, guys. We should say as well, welcome. I've done what. I should say as well that if you love what we do and you would like to support us, please join the Patreon. Patreon.com forward slash Pappy's Flatshare. Patreon.

I'm really, honestly, I've just eaten half a mince pie. It's repeating on me. I can only imagine how you feel having drunk an entire bottle of avocado. I'm sweating so much. There's a lot of sweat. It's a lot of avocard. There's a lot of mint pies in this.

You're going to have a wonderful time, folks. Enjoy the episode. Yes. Can I? Do you want to say welcome? I just want to say thank you for the year because it's our sign-off, isn't it? I want to say we do,

we love doing this so much. And the main reason that we love doing it because of you guys, we love the community that we have around. You should say it's at the end. Oh. Yeah, see it at the end. Is this not the end? No, this is at the end.

Tom Be! What is it, Matthew? What is it, Tiny Tim? God. Oh, I'll take that, actually, yeah. God rest ye merry gentlemen, let nothing ye dismay. Remember, Christ our Saviour was born on Christmas Day to save us all from Satan's power.

We have gone astray. One of you two has going to bring tidings of comfort and joy. Comfort and joy. Or tidings of comfort and joy. Oh, well, it's not going to be me, Matthew. Oh, no. Why is that? Why is that, Clarkie?

A spirit actually visited me last night and said, I was going to be visited by three ghosts. Oh, yeah. So I quickly got a priest, did nexus, sort it. End of. Nick, you've got to nip these things in the bud. You have to nip these things in the bud. He's got the flu.

Now, Tom, yes. What about you? Well, it's not going to be me, Matthew, because I've got a terrible time finding the right birthday present, a Christmas present. Yes, that's right. He does that have the fluke.

It's the Christmas special. Listen, it's Jesus' birthday. It's a Jesus birthday present. There you go. Thank you. I've had a terrible time trying to find the right present for my wife because what she's asked for

is it's a feminist kitchen utensil, basically. It's this meta. You could feel the audience tense. Don't worry. There's a real clenching going on in the audience right now. Do not know where it's going to go. You're in safe hands, everyone. She wants this metal strainer

that every time it hears something a little bit blokey, it goes on an impassioned rant. It's a lad vent, colander. Such a mixed response from the crowd. It's okay, actually. I've simply... It's a lad vent, collier.

It's okay. I don't know how safe those hands were. Don't worry, a big red-faced man has told you it's okay. And that is all you need to hear in 2020. A male podcaster says, it's okay. Why are you for Christmas buying your wife a feminist kitchen implement? I'll let you take this, yeah, go on. No, Tom, traditionally, for the Christmas,

we don't give our wives household objects. So it's like, have you ever given her a vacuum cleaner? That's really hard to pun on that. I was not. Reverse engineered it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What you started with the punchline? Yeah.

Jesus. When you actually said it in the room, I've never heard the sound of an audience make a noise that denotes could have been worse. It was a real feeling at the room off. That actually could have gone one of two ways, and this was the better way. Turns out a lovely bit of business.

It was a lovely bit of business, everyone. Well, there's only one way to settle this. We're going to have to have a festive... Flat share slam down. Flatshire slam down. We're in a flat. Flat share it with our mate. Flat share it slam down.

So we're going to slow it down. Flat Sheer slam down. Hello, ho, ho. And welcome to this Christmas special of Flat Sheet Slamdown. The panel show that's... Well, that we've already done enough singing in the intro. Oh, what am I? saying it's Christmas. Come on producer Gwynne.

Fun. That's okay, don't worry, just turn on the show biz. Can't turn that on either. He's playing Silent Night, everyone. God resty merry gentlemen, then nothing you dismay. Remember Christ our Saviour was born on Christmas Day to save us all from Satan's power when we have gone astray. Oh, tidings of comfort and joy. Comfort and Joy.

Producer Gwynne, almost on the piano. I'm the ho-ho host and landlord Matthew Crosby. Let's meet the merry gentleman who've been making me dismay for almost 20 years. It's Tom Perry and Benedict Clark. But listen, guys, you simply cannot bring tidings of comfort and joy on your own. Who have you brought to trim our tree and buff our baubles tonight? Clarkie. I've bought my very own version of Bob Cratchit.

Wait, what? What? What? What? She's a virgin and Bob Cratchett. Is that what you said? I did play Mary twice at primary school. Thank you.

I was the only girl with long brown hair. It's Amy Annette. It's such a pleasure having on the show. Merry Christmas, first of all. Merry Christmas to us. And what is Christmas like in the Amia Network? What's it like? I know it's a podcast, but I'm making a face.

Yes, of course, yeah. Let the record show a face has been made. And not for the first time. And let's say not for the last time either. Faces will be made tonight. Congratulations if I watch you on the live stream. Yes, with a lack. Hello. My Christmas is always in Canada. Ooh. Thank you. The energy that no one has ever had for Canada.

Do you have squash souffle? Now, you have insulted me there. Oh. No, no. Squash souffle. No, is that squash with marshmallow? I know a Canadian person who cooks me squash souffle. You know a Canadian person who cooks you squash souff? Are you sure? Are you sure? By the way, I love the dynamic between the teams. I love the ask a question, get shot down, panic.

I can't. Honestly, this is, it's already Christmas in my heart right now. I couldn't love this more. Have I been sexist again? Oh no. Off Mike, we have such a charming relationship, but on Mike, no, baby. It's also good to you reference to your wife, and I was like, she's so cool.

And then you're like, I'm getting her ladle. I thought, shut that. Sorry, hello, Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. I'm in Canada. I love Canada, great vibes. All my family is in Canada. So people often say, what's Canada like?

I don't know, I only go to the same four houses. But I love the first. four houses and there's a lot of snow, a lot of time. And Canada just has a generally very nice vibe. Recently, we, we, me, the Blue Jays got very close to winning the World Series, baseball. I know you're across that. And so Canada only has one team. It's like if all of the UK just had us.

I'm sorry, I know I've alienated myself. Okay. We've got England. No. No, I don't recognize England. Okay, sorry. So it's like there's one local team, but only one local team in the whole of Canada. So they play local teams like Detroit.

I'm really going for this. Yeah. And in Canada, they just have the Toronto Blue Jays. Okay, so the Toronto Blue Jays got to the World Series. Okay, they were against the LA Dodgers. Vomits saying the name. And they were the underdog and they were doing so well. And you don't know, of course, but in baseball you have to play at least three games.

and if you're tying, you play more and more, and they play the total amount of games that you can play, and in the last game, Canada lost, the Blue Jones... Oh, no, I taped it. By one? Jesus, Amy, I can't believe it. I had it saved. They lost by one run.

No! But the next day in the Toronto Star, which is like the big newspaper in Toronto, there was a big front page, and it just said something that you would never read in this country. It said in big letters, they tried their best. Canada!

So nice. Also the theme of the podcast as well. Very much our slogan, even though it's not true. Amy Annette is here. And Parry, what about you? Well, the jamboree's in danger, Matthew. No! Yes.

Not the Christmas jamboree? Yes, we had a Christmas market and someone set up a store selling feminist kitchen utensils. It was Nish Kumar, everyone. Nish Kumar is here. Oh. Yes, I did what I did And I don't regret it

That whole left wing thing Is just a character So what is Christmas like for you guys What's Christmas like at the Kumas? Back to 42 Wow All of your references are bang on the money, crossplay My favourite thing was

You couldn't even remember Skyplussed So when you were trying to allege that you'd already recorded it You said, I taped it, Amy! I set up a VHS. I beat a maxed it. I was going to laser disc the World Series. It's good that we've got the gross of Christmas past.

Listen, I was saying this before we started recording. Matthew's Spotify Unwrapped Age was dead. Spotify said this man is listening to Steely Dan and Chapel Rhone. He's clearly not alive, it's a bot account. We're filing you as completely and utterly. dead. Just sent the hearse to his house. Well, first of all, Merry Nishmas, everybody.

Merry Nishmas. Good to be here for Honky DiVali. I am... Amy and I, I don't wish to give too much about our personal lives away, but we are lovers. What? Whoa. I told you a lot of virgin, Ben.

Oh! No, she's still a virgin. But anyway, we... We are. True love waits. But because Amy has family in Canada and because I have family that live internationally that aren't often here,

they often fly into London. So we separate for Christmas. So the only Christmases we've actually spent together are COVID in wartime. Yeah. We're like England and Germany playing that football match. Yeah. But we boiled a ham.

What a euphemism? That's as close as I've got. got to sex and I'm excited. And I loved it. Yeah, so I generally go to, I have a Croydon Christmas. Croydon. Croydon Craydon. Oh, do you have squash, souffle?

I'll find someone. One day, I'll find someone. Oh, it's someone from Croydon who made you. It's like, yes, that makes me sense. I like the idea that squash souffle is like a sort of trigger word, like the Manchurian candidate. And you keep saying it, individuals in the audience, like coming, becoming activated.

There's a sleeper cell out there. They're going to be, yeah. They're going to get some yams out. So, what's happening in Croydon at Christmas? I'm very close by. Very close by. Beck and I'm in Croydon. We're basically brothers.

You are very close by, but I'll tell you what you haven't done. You haven't cycled to my house and stood outside shirtless and knocked on the door. And when I opened it, you stand there going, tell your friends how hard I am. The reason I know you haven't done that is because Ellis James did it. Absolutely why. When he's, yeah, two years ago on Christmas Day, I got home, I got back to my house from Croydon,

and there was a knock on the door, I opened the front door, and Ellis James was topless, apart from his cycle helmet, which he still had on. And he said, tell your friends how hard I am, Nish. And then held up a sign saying, tell them it's Carol Cedinburne. Handed you a swash-do-flay, and out he went. Back into the night. The Welsh Andrew... The Welsh Andrew Lincoln.

Well, Nish, thank you so much for coming on the show. My pleasure. I'm so sorry that you're here. Now, we've met our guests. Let's find out, guys, because we haven't even started the show yet. Let's find out who'll be on a glad tidying to nothing

as we play round one. Yes! You wanted me to stay, but I can't ignore the colour that my nose has turned. And I heard that there's a special place Where cupids and vixen's can be comets every day I'm having flying dreams feeling my greater re I wrote to Santa Claus I swear he's calling me

Won't make my mama proud It's gonna cause a scene She sees her baby reindeer I know she's gonna scream Rudolph, what have you done? Got a nose like a plum And you're pulling a sleigh for Santa But I'm just having fun

Up the front with my schnars It's where I belong Because I'm a red nose reindeer With litter and dancer I'm a red on a prancer In the Lapland North Pole I'm gonna keep on slaying I'm a red nose reindeer, nose reindeer.

It really makes you realize how talented she is. I'll say this, that's the second time in my life I've heard the phrase baby reindeer, and it was the more disturbing of the tent. Before we get started with round one, should we unwrap our Afri-Car? We've got the Av-a-Qa-R-Hare here, let's do it. Now, we always, we love a festive drink of Advra-Qar.

If you've not tried Advacar before, folks, it's a bit like custard, it's a bit like lighter fluid, It's not as good as either. Hey, give it a shake. You got to give it a shake. Because bear in mind that has been sat on a shelf in the old Compton Street off license

for I would say 15 years. Have you ever wanted to have a drink that it's like what happened if Egg had sex with vodka? So obviously, yeah, give it a good shake. Look at Clarkie's already started. Blumenet. I am off the booze

so I'm on the Devon Custards tonight. Ambrosia. When I was a teenager, we went really hard one night on Bailey's and Malibu. O'oy, y'oy, that's a curdley delight, isn't it? You're thinking we're not going to be in my parents because she's vomited all over herself? We are.

I shouldn't have said her full name. Don't worry. It's just being live-streamed on the internet, it's fine. No, because she does, she do work in TV. Oh yeah, just narrow it down. She's a peer. She's a peer. No, me too.

I didn't, that was fine. I could hold my booze. Okay, sorry. That is the second thickest drink I've had all afternoon. Your stomach is an absolute nightmare. Just pouring the avataka on the gravy boat. Did you have anything between gravy and avocca? Yeah, Tom, by the way, for the people listening to this...

Point of beer. A bit of context of the people who were listening to for the first time. Before the show, Tom told us that he'd drunk a coffee cup full of gravy. He's wandered around, I was drinking a coffee cup full of gravy. You've had beer, and you have had Adriqar now. So it's outside, it's Halloween, but inside, it's... Well, outside, it's... Inside, it's...

The joke is the other way round, there goes. It's like one of those articles you read about, what would Henry the 8th have eaten on an afternoon? Well, Henry would behead a wife. and then have a pint of beer, some avocard, and wash it down with a lovely bit of gravy. What would Henry VIII eat if he had no self-esteem? It's a sort of a liquid diet, very modern.

A liquid diet. Tommy, are you okay? I think basically what you've had. I think if you mix it all together, it's basically hule, isn't it? Yeah. You basically have you. It's hule. So the first round is called The Mints Pies Have It.

I have four big, festive questions here that I'm going to ask a player from each team to answer the avocardion. kicked in for Nish. I'll then throw it open to the audience to vote on who gave the best answer and who wins. Nish, it's round one mate to pace yourself.

It's like someone poured white spirit into a banana milkshake. Yeah, that's why we love it. White spirit is what I'd call Pappies. Boom. So, yeah. Yes. A bit of racial observation.

So you've all heard the rules. Yeah, I'll throw it open to the audience who will vote or who gave the best answer and who wins the five points. It's very much an argument over Christmas dinner crossed with PMQs, only with fewer sprouts and twats. Still some twats, but fewer. Gender observation. Do-da-da-da-da-da- Merry Christmas.

We'll start with Tom and Amy, the age-old grudge match. The Battle of the Sexes. I started with the pun and worked backwards. It's because we're both Alphers. But it was going to start with Tom and Amy. Obviously, the other players are encouraged to challenge their opponents and support their teammates. So Tom and Amy, we're going to start with you, Tom.

Yes. You must eliminate one thing about. Christmas. What is it going to beat on? Just one thing out the game. One thing out of the game. Banned forever. Christmas trees. Whoa. Whoa. Are you fucking insane?

We cut down a live living tree that lives outside that is supposed to live I've just been trying to explain it to my five year old and I sound like a fucking psychopath. I was trying to offend it to her and she was like does the tree die? I'm like yeah.

And she's like what do you then? It's like we throw it in the bin. She says, why'd we do that? And it's like, because it's Christmas. We bring it inside. Oh, well, that's all right. What does it do? Oh, it sheds needles everywhere. Do they hurt? Oh, yeah, yeah, they hurt. And we do this every year. Every year. There is no defence

for Christmas trees. It's very convincing. They look all right. Do they look that good? You know, your favourite house plant? Just put fairy lights on that and go, woo. And then it's fine. It's like, you don't need them. Or just like look at a picture. Do anything?

Like, you don't need, we do not need tree indoors. Someone did it. You don't need Christmas dinner. Look at a picture of a turkey. Yeah. But no, I, I like that. You just need the gravy. Hear me out.

No, no. 50 years time, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, was everyone doing that for? We'd be like, I don't know. Someone just did it once. And we thought, great. Yeah. Listen, it's not all an attack on the planet, because some trees are made from environmentally safe, plastic.

Forever plastic. Yeah. Put that in the sea. You can kill a. few dolphins on your way home. Okay, Merry Christmas. It's very strong. What does the other team think of Tom's answer?

What do you think of it? Oh, I hate it. Yeah, good, strong rebuttal. Good strong rebuttal from Clarkie. You hate it. This is how we play. Now, Clarkie definitely zoned out. You've missed it.

He's ready for bed. He's tired. Amy, you've heard Tom's answer. Now, you must eliminate one thing about Christmas. What's it going to be? Okay, here we go. Stockings. Oh.

Okay, there's too many little doodads. Okay. Now, I'm a doodad girl. You think I don't got Chochkees? I got Chochis. Okay? I'm so sorry. Am I having a stroke?

Can we put some kind of Google translate on the line stream? She's Canadian. You don't know the word Chochie? Well, I remember him from Happy Days, but that's... Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Come on now. You are the oldest man in the world.

Come on. You, how old are you? I will never Listen, you can have to cut me in half and count my rings Like a Christmas tree Baby I don't have to cut you in half Because of your bum

Yes of course Okay Sorry I don't know what I'm trying to Two rings, my wedding ring in my bum hole That's right And keep away from both of them please Amy The problem here And this is a problem that I am aware of

Obviously having been in a relationship With Amy for 13 years Is that Amy has the vocabulary of an American woman from the 1950s. And she is trying to have a conversation with Matthew Crosby, a man who has the vocabulary of an English man from the 1930s. And so actually, Happy Days is where we over there. You think I don't know Johnny and Chochie?

I know Chachke. She's saying things like, you guys seen the Farnsey? He's full of Chachkes. And meanwhile, he's going, the bloody jerrys are back. Like, it's... Anarchy. It's an anarchy. And they're talking about stockings.

Well, I can get you something. I'm on the black market, I suppose. Yeah, you don't need stocking. Just draw a line up, you're like, girls. Come on. We've donated all the nylon to the war effort. That is a waste of good gravy, and you know it. A chochie is like a little...

I'm going to say this word again. Doodad. Okay, no, you can't do that. No, does do dad mean anything to you? So we're talking about trinkets and... Trinket. A novelty. Little items you get at the point of sale at Waterstones, that kind of thing, you know.

Wow, you have read me to filth there. And absolutely correct. Yeah, anything like a little, a nonsense thing. For example, recently saw that there was a tiny hamburger. Oh, but what is it actually? It's a rubber. Yes. Do I ever use pencil?

No. Did I buy that rubber? Absolutely. Absolutely. Don't tell Nish. He told me I can't buy more little things. Don't tell Nish. Don't tell Nish.

Everybody agree that we're not going to tell Nish. We keep this between ourselves and the live stream, all right, guys? The thing is, you can do that with Clarkie. He stopped listening minutes ago. Don't tell Ben. It's zoned out minute one. But Ben and I, we feel very strongly that we already got a lot of little things, and maybe stockings make, yeah, we got a lot of little things.

You feel more strongly than I do. Yeah, Ben would like to sell some things to grow. What's wrong? I don't want to be this girl. and yet I love who I am. I had truly one sip of avocard and I'm sorry to talk about his dick and your ass. Let's go.

Jesus Christ. I've got to remind you guys it's round one. It feels like being called a virgin early doors has got in Amionette's head. She's playing the bluest game ever. Someone's getting laid tonight, my boy. Not if I finish his avocard.

I will be asleep on the two. Which is what you're calling her, she's penis, of course. Now, please, guys. The Victoria line, please. The Victoria line, because we're always talking about. I could grow up going to. Okay, guys, what do you think of, what do you think of stockings and stocking fillers, guys?

What's your? I sort of think they're loosely pointless. But, I mean, I'd actually, I don't think that's a hot take. that's not hot enough as a take. I think we should ban all Christmas presents for everybody over the age of 18. I honestly don't think if you're over 18.

Actually, let's have a top end. We bring it back at 75. Yeah. Bring it back. You know how to play to our crowd. We bring it back for Crosby. But yeah, I don't think we should buy any presents for anybody over 18.

I think Christmas presents, the excitement around Christmas presence is like seeing children open them in your family. It's not like giving a fucking like hot water bottle to your dad or whatever it is. Sorry, dad, you are getting a hot water bottle. Can I just check? Is it Nish's turn? No, no. It's very rare for Nish to support both sides.

It's very rare for him to see it both ways. But he has tonight. Okay, well, in future, yeah, do try to attack your opponent rather than, I mean, I know it's Amy. You've got to support it. But we're going to decide via the audience. Okay, now this is how it's going to work. We're using the twist on the classic parliamentary system of Mint's to the right and Ho Ho Ho's To the Left.

So if you agree with Tom, I'd like you to chant Mint's Pies now in unison. Okay, and what about Ho Ho Ho's? For Amy. It's Mint Pies, I think Mint's had it. There we go. You're going to get the full five points. Next up, it's Nish versus Ben. Now, Nish, this is a huge question.

What is definitively the best thing about Christmas, what do you think? Definitively the best thing about Christmas, I would say is, and this is a slightly controversial answer, the socially permitted alcoholism.

Listen, we do try, even in the United Kingdom, a country that has an admitted problem with alcoholism, to try and generally at least keep a lid on our drinking. But in December, my God, it is the purge. All rules are off. People are drinking whisky on the tube for breakfast.

And by the way, the tub, as we know, the tube is called Nishuze. Yeah, yeah. People are on my ding-dong and they are merrily on high. My gosh. Still a virgin, though. Still a virgin.

Doesn't count. It doesn't count. It doesn't count if you're singing Christmas carol-sturing. How do you think Mary got away with it? Okay. Hey, I was Mary. Why?

I think the best thing about Christmas Yeah, I think it's the socially accepted I think it's the socially accepted drinking. Very, very strong. Okay, we're going to throw it over now to Clarkie. What do you think? Family. No, I'm not, I need joking.

Boxing day. Oh, it's done. You made it through. Well done, everyone. Have a relax. Have a little sit down. Carry on the drinking. I've got to say, this is making Christmas sound awful.

What's the best thing about Christmas? When it ends. Yeah. Yeah, but I mean, that's the release. Also, Clarkie's making out, like, that's the one day of the year that he sits around and doesn't do anything. Have a little relaxed, Clarkie. I'm doing it right now. It's been a tricky year for Clarkie.

Finally, I can put my feet up after a hard year of putting my feet up. I've never put my feet down. What's like? Permanently hovering, aren't you? Okay, so we've got the alcoholism or we've got boxing. Can I say a big part of boxing day is drinking? Yeah. And I think, so I actually think, if you, if you were going for a dry boxing day, you'd be in big trouble, I think.

When you said dry boxing day, someone in the audience just went, oh, ho, ho. The very thought of a dry box. Where is the thought? The beauty of boxing day is a Guinness before 11 o'clock. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's a beauty of a Thursday. In Canada, we smoke a doobie. That can't be true.

It is actually legal in... Yeah. And then you get the munchies and eat a squash suflare. No, my... Canada is coming off as a very strange country in this. Squash souffle. Sorry, I just thought I'd activate. Asleep itself.

They didn't work. Actually, you get out of the house, you go for a walk on Boxing Day. That's what I think. I think, walking day is walk day. And you get the thug of Christmas off here. Yeah. And it's a big relief. And you smile at people, but you don't talk to them.

Clarkie, be honest. Are you drinking on the walk? Yes, it's a cup of gravy, though. Clarkie's having a gravy walk. Gravy martini. Oh, yes, please. Gravy martini sounds like the name of a jazz musician. That part of the gravy martini quintet.

I think it would be delicious. You could have Bisto on the rim. Oh, she's back on Crosby again. Oh, there you know. Chill out, mate. Yum, yum, yum. She's back on the circle line. All right.

We simply have to move the round along, right? Surely we have to move it finished. That's the show, folks. Right. So, okay, we've had Nishy's answer. We've had Ben's answer. What does everybody think? Okay, if you think it is,

If you think it's if Nish's answer, then it is, of course, mince pies to the right. Let's hear the Minterpies for Nish's answer. And let's hear the Ho-Ho-Hos for Clarkie's answer. We're going to hear the Mintsepie one more time. Ho-ho-ho's? Ho-ho's?

It's Clarkie. Clarkie's got it. We needed that. We needed that. We needed the win. You know, guys, you're doing brilliantly. I'll say that much. You're doing brilliantly.

I like having you all here. It'd be weird. you weren't here. We've done these before when the audience hasn't been here and they're tougher, they really are. It's nice to have you here. It's like a sort of version of question time as well.

Which is actually appropriate because one of the panel here has been on question time. We all remember when Clarkie spotted Fiona Bruce in a corridor thought his mum followed her and accidentally Guy Gajomid himself. And she went,

Clark Arnold, you're not meant to follow me. You were very good on question time. It was an incident that many people believe lit the torch paper for the rise of the reform party. And I think Nish might have been on it too for the same results. Now, next up, it's Nish and Amy. In fact, Amy versus Nish.

Amy, we're going to start with you. Now, Christmas is populated with many wonderful characters. We've got Santa Claus, Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer, Frosty the Snowman, Lad Baby, all our favourites. Can you come up with a brand-nosed, new Christmas character to take their place among the festive pantheon, a brand new Christmas character that we're going to adopt in 2026. Wow, we. What a question.

It's a trickier one. I'm not going to lie to you. Instinctually, of course, I'm thinking some sort of feminist killjoy. She bloody hates her, Collinder. Top of my head, it's a woman who's wearing entirely, like, feminist merch, head to toe. An apron that says a woman's place is in the boardroom. Oh, oh, Van. And what does she have a little bag? And it says, it's a tote bag.

And it says, my husband bought me this, and it's empty. Yes. So angry. No presents for the over 18s. I live by my principals. I agree. I'm neither a wife nor a mother, and I'm so angry on your behalf. Oh, my God.

Because mamas make the stockings, right? But who makes stocking for mama? No. I really don't speak French, the amount that I am doing all these voices. Okay. Can I speak French? No. Do I still try?

See. See, I be dry. So I think, yeah, feminist killjoy, Mrs. Klaus. Mrs. Klaus. But it's rearranged Mrs. Klaus. It's Muz Klaus. Right.

Oh, it's Muz Klaus. Are you divorcing the clauses? What a good movie. Tom. Get writing. Dvorcing the clauses. somebody get Bezos on the phone. Job, you said Netflix.

Baby, your show is on Amazon. Yeah, and then they didn't make it. He has crucially burn his bridges at Amazon. Oh, so, sorry. Brit box. So we've got... Ms. Claus. And she's just a sexy gal about town.

Yeah, she was married, but it doesn't define her. Okay? Thank you. Two women laughing. I'll take it. She doesn't define her. So what she wants for Christmas is Money. That's the end of it.

Okay. So a feminist, capitalist woman with a tote bag. Miss Girl Boss. Miss Girl Boss. Okay, I love... Girl Bus. Okay, and what about you, Nish? What do you think for your...

Why, of course, it's Father Nishman. It's Father Nishman. Oh! He doesn't come through the chimney. He comes through the doorbell. And he doesn't give presents. He comes through the ring doorbell. Like the ringgo.

It's like the movie. me the ring. It's called the ring doorbell. And he's a Christmas specter that comes out of your ring doorbell camera and crawls on his hands and knees. And he's covered in Christmas soup. Get that horrible.

Get that horrible. Garofo. Marifo. Clarkie is writing, furiousy now. He crawls into the living room and he says things like, Anybody got any beer? And he says, where'd you keep the littleans? He says stuff like... Where's you quote? Oh.

Okay. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Horrified. Plarky stopped writing. Oh, dear. And he is... And, yeah, he's an alternative to Father Christmas

who comes in through the ring doorbell. Yeah. And he takes presents away and gives them to needy people. Oh. So there you go. He wasn't a paedophile. He was just doing his best. Like Jimmy Saville, but all the way.

I don't know if that's... All the other way. All the other way. Can we workshop that slogan, guys? Let's give that slogan five more minutes in the right room. He's just Jimmy Saville, but he saw it through. No, not all the way. And you want to be called Nishmus?

Father Nishmas. Okay. I've regretted a lot of what's just happened. Yes. You all have. Okay, so we've got, obviously, we've got, we've got the feminist, Miss Girl Boss, Miss Claus here. We've also got Girl Boss, Girl Boss Claus,

Miss Girl Boss Claus, and we have got the Christmas Specter. As we know, the Christmas Specter is Phil Specter. Every bit of scary. And I'll say this, similar haircuts. Similar, yes. So we've got the Christmas Specter, Father Nishmas, who comes here through your ring doorbell, says, where's the little ones,

and thinks that Saville didn't go far enough. With his charitable. endeavours. The other way he goes. The other way goes. Hey, Jimmy, less of the Pido, more of the give-give-give. To charity. New charity. No, I think, seriously, five more minutes on that slogan, man. Anyway, what a choice the audience have to make now. Is it going to be mint buyers to the niche or ho-ho-ho's to the Amy?

Let's hear you mint buys. Wow. Well, congratulations, Amy. Ho-ho-hoes? Feminism only ever wins when the men are really bad. Welcome to the podcast. Avalcar is delicious. Oh, isn't it?

I've never had it before. It's so nice. It's so nice. I miss it. I really do. I've already asked if I could give it to you and they said no. But no, if I could, I'd be throwing it at you.

I think there are some people who have ordered it of their own volition. Is that Avicard down there? There are people who are drinking it not because they have. have to. Merry Christmas to you. And, you know, sorry about tomorrow.

Hope you like diarrhea. Everybody does, Nish. Everybody does, as well you know. From your character who shoots and out his eyes and he comes through the ring doorbell. Merry Christmas. So now it's going to... So what if... I've got this confused here. I've done the wrong names.

So it's going to be Ben versus Tom. Is that right? We haven't done Ben versus Tom. Tom? Tom versus Ben. It's going to be. Tom. Nice, nice quick one, yeah, Tom. Nice quick one, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's going to be... Clavdy sniffing the interval. Yeah. Ben.

Oh, I'm desperate for a sit-down. He's had a big year. So finally, it's Ben versus Tom. Ben, can you come up with a new Christmas tradition? Okay, we're talking about a new Christmas tradition that you would like to see everybody here celebrating when Christmas Day rolls around. Clarkie, your face is saying no.

But for the podcast, you're going to have to say yes. Slap the turkey. Okay. All right. Yeah. It's good. We've already murdered something. If you eat it, if you're going to eat it,

got to give it a good old slap. Before it goes in. Whilst it's alive? Crucially. This is how you kill it. Oh, like happy slapping. Before it goes in the oven, Everyone stands round, gives a turkey a good slap,

and then crucially, when it comes out, same again. Yes. So they... Do they butter their hands beforehand? Exactly. Of course they do, yes. That's exactly what I meant. They wash their hands in between, right?

No. That's the key detail. You've got a buttered hand for the whole of Christmas Day. And your boxing day tradition is salmonella. And it can't be the same hands. the butt of both hands. Okay. It's a very strong answer from Clarke.

Thank you. By which I mean weak. Parry. The present walk. In the afternoon of Christmas Day between the hours of two and four, everyone goes to their nearest

park with their favourite present. You walk around the park, you see everyone's favourite presents. Just like, you're sort of parading the presents. I got an air fryer. Well, the kids get to do it. Like, Christmas Day in the park is kids with their, like, new bikes and stuff. And you get to go, oh, you've had a bike, you've had a bike.

This is killing me because I think I'm the only person in the room that really likes. Yeah. I'm like, I love them. You don't even have to talk about it. You're just like, you're carrying your favourite present. And people go, oh. So, like, if you've got an air fry and you like it, you just walk around with an air friar for an hour. People go, and you like, go.

Better take the air friar for a walk. And I guarantee, by the time you get home, you'll feel even better about the thing that you took out. Yeah. Although tricky with buttered hands. Difficult when you're shitting yourself from handling raw poultry. Leave the ninja at home. So Tom, of course, has created what I like to call a Mugger's Paradise. This is not a man who lives in London, is what I'm thinking.

He's moved out of South London and forgotten their ways. My favourite community over going, God, it's like Christmas here. The spirit of it. I just get presents too, don't they? Oh, they will do, yeah. Bucking loads of them, mate. So we've got... Yeah, it's a present war.

We've been so ill all week. I've just got anthera car in my sinuses. You know he just got last year's out. Carkey blew his nose in November and it all came out like a geyser. You've seen horrible things in such a nice way. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. much, you're awful witch.

Thank you. You're very welcome. So, we've got to vote, guys. We've got to vote on the course. We must, we must. We've simply got to vote on the butted hand slapping. It's still round one. It's round one, guys.

It's very nearly boxing day. Clark is going to sit down in a second. Okay. We're all sweating cobs over here. Right, we've got it. We've simply got to. We've simply got a vote. Let's have mint pies for Tom's answer.

All the ho-ho-hoes for the slap turkey. The points go to Clarkie again. Congratulations. And at the end of that round, caution, what are the scores? Tom and Nish have five points. Ben and Amy. It's a Christmas miracle. Fifteen.

Fifteen points. Oh, my goody aunt. That's more. So it is glad tidings of comfort and joy for, of course, Ben and Amy. But it's not yet sad shittings of bum fucking Chloe for Nish and Tom. Everything could change when we return

in part two. See you in a bit. Welcome back to Flash Slamdown. Now, before the break, Amy and, before the Winterball, as you like to call it, before the Winterball, Amy and of course... Before Rory Stewart gets his bloody hands on it. Oh, too right.

Too bloody right. before the Winterball, if we're still allowed to call it that. Are you guys starting beefs with every other podcast? That's kind of my thing, okay? Welcome back to fact that's down. Before the break, of course, I can't believe it, but it's true. Ben and Amy were in the lead. No, yes.

The scores haven't moved, and there are still no glad tidings of comfort and joy. Who is going to save us all from Satan's power when we have gone astray? Christ. Of course it is... Pour one out for the big man. Doing this feet. Poor one out. He's not dead at this festival.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait a few months and he'll be dead. Don't, don't you worry. We're talking about Richard Osmond. That'd be a huge fucking cross, wouldn't it? Oh, his feet are still on the ground. I'll say this. Jesus didn't have as much wheelie luggage with his face on it.

This crucifixion, It's pointless. At least burn to me on a Thursday. Okay. We can move on from the Osmond. I'm rich. Chud Osmond. Who is going to save us from Satan's power

and we have gone astray? By the way, I tell you what, I saw Satan's Power this year at Download Festival. Ed Gamble's a huge Satan's Power fad. Gamble turned me on to them. Of course he did. Campbell's a bugger for Satan's power. I'll tell you what.

I think. For my money, they are one of the best bands working in the Grotsludge genre. They really are. Oh, I've got some Grotslodge genre blurring. The more advocate you drink, the deeper into the grotsludge. It's in the post. If you are going to listen to Satan's Power, of course, I recommend starting with their most recent EP. Punch Me Up the Christ.

But it after hit, guys. But now the Power of Christ must compels me to play flat games. Games! Let's play together. Games! Let's play forever. Roll the dice, spin that thing. Put that there. Dude as you're told.

Games! If you lose, you get nothing. Games, if you win, you get gold. Frankencentomer, Frankicentza, Grohl, Grohl, Grohl, Frankencent some more, Frankencenton, Frankencenton, Frankentimer, Frankencenton, Frankencenton, Frankencenton, Frankencenton.

Franken, Stencent. Norman Cook Remix! Oh, I love it. We're bringing Big Beat back. A remix he's taken seriously. He's not even using Fat Boy Slim. He's putting his own name to the remix. That's when it matters.

This one's for Norm. Matthew Norman Cook was a DJ. Oh, how dare you? He is a DJ. How dare you? You're remembering from the House Martens. Oh, it's sad hour again. This week, this festive season, we're playing our version of Going for Gold,

which we're calling ho-ho-ho-hoing for old. Gold. I'd like you to... I'd like you to... What's it called, I don't know. Ho-ho-hoing for gold? It can't be the cold. No, it's ho-ho-hoing for old.

Oh, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, because I'll tell you... Guys, we're arguing about a going for gold joke in 2025. Poor 1-0 for Henry Kelly. Absolutely. Alleged. Alleged. An absolute ledge. Big man's up top of Jesus.

Alleged. Alleged. Go, go, go, go. Your team, no, here's how it worked. He had a long blink, didn't he, Henry Kelly. He blinked for so long. Absolutely long blink. Go back, look at YouTube.

Longest blink on TV. Honestly, you didn't notice it at the time. That makes it seem like you're typing longest blinking TV into YouTube. Are you all following Tom on YouTube? It's one video, but my God, it's worth watching. You get seconds of blink with Kevin. Yeah.

It would last from advert rate to advert rate. It looked like he died. My mum said I used to call him Henry's Kelly when I was four years old, which does beg the question, why was I watching Going for God? We all were. That was the monoculture. It was the monoculture. It was the monoculture.

The death of the monoculture, guys. It was just more than talk to you about that. Don't you worry about that. Right, anyway, the way the reason it's called ho-ho-hoing for old is because I would like you to sing about a modern Christmas thing to the tune of an old Christmas hymn. Okay? Now, your teammate has to guess the thing.

It's one point for a correct guess and a huge 10 points for bringing festive cheer to my ear. And to accompany us on the piano, it's our own Frosty the Showman. It's producer Gwynn. Here he comes. Can you turn it on?

Turn it on. Can you turn it on, Gwyn? Oh, there we go. There we go. So, by the way, British Gwyn, before we get started, I've got to ask you, about the last text you sent me,

which is, seeing as it's Christmas, how would you like me to make it snow? Snowflake emoji, snowflake emoji, snowflake emoji. What the bloody how that's supposed to mean? Can't you... I just... I can't crack his cryptic code. Anyway, we're going to start with Ben Clark. Ben, that is for you.

You have got, of course, Hark the Herald Angels sing. Amy Annette, what modern festive thing is Clark, the Herald Angel singing about? Producer Gwyn, our own fallen angel. Play that in. Office, something I definitely know lots about. People gather round for presents. Shush, everyone, please don't shout.

Oh, I only had five pounds to spend. What am I going to get Sheila from a count? It is a Lixball. I fucked it again. Please don't fight me I'm spoiled to the dole line The dog line I thought my references were out of date

Think about what you know my The doll line, glory to the doll line I don't know I love it No I thought that was fantastic Clarkie I'm going to give you points in a second But first I'm absolutely thrilled

There's no audio of me saying glory to the doll line because the daily male we have an absolute feeding frenzy. Clip it up. I like the way you sing because your facial expression is like someone trying to do maths. Carry the one.

It's beautiful to see. But Amy, what was... What was been singing about there? Well, I don't know but I don't know why I'm ramping up to this. Okay. Woo, got to stop with the avocat. Okay.

I think it was Secret Santa. It was Secret Santa. Absolutely right. It was Secret Santa. What am I going to give Clarkie Glory to the Dolein? It was good up until the line. Glory to the Dolein.

It was beautiful. You know what? Because, because. Listen, I don't know about this, mate. I don't know about this. I don't know about this whole show. We're right on the edge of it. here, guys. We're right on the edge.

Okay, we've got to finish in eight minutes. So, just, I'm just gonna give him some points and we're gonna move it along. Okay, glory to the total line, I'm gonna give you quick ten. Unic name, benefits. Oh, well, it's, for that wonderful pun, I've got to give you ten points.

And another one to Tom. Okay, who is up now? Next, oh, of course, it's Nish Kumar. There you go, Nish. Now, you have got We Three Kings, but Tom, what one thing is Nish singing about? Produter Gwynn, will you slay? We sell things to people. At Christmas time, we sell the things, In order to sell the things we make shit films Oh, shitty film, chitty films, shitty, shitty, fucking films

Not the ones written by Perry Once shown in between TV shows TV shows. Well, firstly, Tom, I'm so sorry you had to go through that. Sorry, brother. I should have put a Christmas trigger warning on that bad boy. That was tough for me. Yeah, that was tough.

But have you got any idea what shitty films between TV shows? Is it Hallmark? It's... It's... Hang on, oh, da, da, da, da, bah, bat, bat. You cheeky little scrown. Oh no. Oh no. Yes. Listen, that was good. Credit where universal credits due.

I've actually, I've got some festive chockies as well. I've got some benefit streets for you as well. Anyway, we must simply must move on. We're going to finish the six minutes. So we've got to wrap. It feels like we've become the baddies in a Charles Dickens story. It's really, yeah, it really is. Yeah, yeah. But listen, Parry, it wasn't that. but I'm going to give you another bite of the cherry because I think that was a particularly confronting song for you. There was halfway three you really thought it initially was doing a personal attack.

So what do you think? Did you not? I thought when you heard shit films, you must have assumed. But I was going to give you a second bite of the cherry. Do you not want it? Shit films to sell things at Christmas. Amazon Prime.

It's not Amazon Prime. No, I'm going to throw it over. John Lewis advert? It is the job. The weepie John Lewis advert, of course. I hate it. those fucking adverts. I hate when people like, have you seen the new John Lewis advert?

Just fucking honestly, Christmas, kill yourself. Like that, I hate that. I hate that. I hate that. I love it. Take a classic, traditional, brave song and make it about buying, you know, sheets. Yes. It's both an aesthetic

and tonal rip-off of the film After Sun. Everyone involved in that should be permanently ashamed of themselves. Well, we worked on that. A little awkward. Anyway, Amy, you're, Your song, you're up next, your song is away in a manger. But, Ben, what modern thing is Amy singing about?

Producer Gwyn, who is, of course, no stranger to playing away. Let's hear that tune. On top of you think is it a tired Christmas baboos. There he's in the sitting in dread, book to... Don't bore it, but I will drink it. And that was absolutely superb. I didn't give, I didn't give. Don't give him any points.

I didn't give him any points, but I don't know, seven. So, that was, that was fantastic. But Clarkie, what, I mean, it was, it was, it was, literally, we've never had anyone who's talented on the show before. It really shows us up quite regularly. It really shows us up. Let's bin this off and have a fucking Carol concert. Have a carol concert, yes.

My God. That was, that was absolutely gorgeous. Clarkie, what was Amy Annette singing about? Is it Christmas lights or Christmas decorations? Like, gaudy You tell me, you tell me. You have to give the answer. Go on, you've got it. Yeah.

You tell me, Clarkie. Outdoor Christmas decorations. It's correct, yes. It absolutely was those big outdoor Christmas decorations. Congratulations. Amy, I'm going to give you 12 points. Of course I am. Of course I am.

Finally. Tom, absolutely mad to put me after him. Tom, don't worry about it. In the edit, you won't mean it at all. It's just the screen. It'll be like Ted Lassau all over again. I thought you were very good in that. What was your character, Man in Crowd?

An in Crowd, very good. It was just such a big crowd. You couldn't compete. When I did the audition, it was Man in Crowd. When I got to the filming, the side of the door said Redfield. Manning Crout. Okay, but what I'm hearing is,

you had a door. Red face, matted crowd. The props guy going to... Who's the cup of gravy for? Which was the cup of gravy? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you mean Bovril? No.

No, thank you. Right, so, Tom, you've got Oh, Little Town of Bethlehem. Now, Nish, what modern miracle is Tom singing about? Gwyn, keep your hands where we can see please and play and play that

and play that tune okay off you go oh what's recent oh oh okay okay

you lead you lead I'll follow okay fine fine and Nish what do you think Tom was singing about

this is an easy one it's the Christmas your dad has a stroke oh quick wait for some gravy under his nose Can you smell toast? Not the normal kind of toast

I enjoyed that Okay We've heard the run to fan him down We've heard the ramp up now bringing it to land Tom Oh Oh What's that in here? Okay

Okay Oh Little man you spent the night Doing things that we didn't We wake in the morning and have a look the parents put on a show. He's stolen things from the food bowl and put them on the side. He's lying down and grabbing his legs and pulling them really wide. He's hanging off the shelf over there

And now he's stolen a book He kidnapped a teddy and blindfolded it And he's poised like he's going to kill it All I know is I'm never inviting Tom round for Christmas That's was that a mash-up? And if so, what song were you singing, Parry? Okay, that was a very beautiful song, Tom. Very, very, very good.

I don't think I know O'Little Town of Bethlehem. If that, the song I thought was O'Little Town of Bethlehem, I think it's different. I read an article the other day that said, people who can't sing, if you say to them sing, they can't sing. And if you say to them, pretend you're an opera singer and sing like an opera singer,

then they can sing. And I was doing that. But unfortunately, the opera singer that I imagined wasn't very good. The opera singer you imagine. that just had a cup of gravy. Have you got any idea of Nish? Yeah, I think, is this the Christmas elf on a shelf?

It is Elf on a shelf, of course. It was either that or, of course, Father Nishmas. Yeah, yeah. Because he's come through the ring doorbell. He smells of old cigarettes. What are we going to give Tom Parry, though? What do you give for the man who has everything? What's you give?

A cup of gravy. A lovely cup of gravy. I'm going to give you the gravy equivalent. I'm going to give you nine points out of ten. Deserved it. A big thank you of course to producer Gwynn who is just

he's just sorry he has just texting me again to say that after that round he has an abundance of comfort and joy which he is selling at 80 quid a gram cash emoji cash emoji melting face up what is that supposed to mean?

That's a really good round of applause for producer Gwyn now what could be more festive than a big old argument followed of course by the inevitable legal proceedings, it's time to take our annual trip to the court of the Turkey Brothers. Well, if you've got a problem. Turkey, yes, it's Turkey Brothers where each December we ask our panelists to sort out a festive

flat share-based beef. And this one comes from Emma, who is in the audience tonight. Emma, are you there? Yes, hello. Hi. Yes, hello. Hi. Fantastic.

Good to say hello to anyone else on the panel. Unbelievable. You've done three of us. Emma Wright. It's my mum's birthday on Christmas Day. Yeah, well, you're not going to be surprised by the next line. She hates this. And we all feel a bit sorry for her, so we try and make it special.

However, her demands keep escalating. Some of her requests are reasonable and some less so. We must have birthday cake instead of Christmas pudding. Presents must be wrapped in birthday paper. Balloons instead of bunting. Bunting. In reality. In recent years, she has made us...

Now, this is where it really takes a turn. In recent years, she has made us call her baby Jesus all day. We can't condone that because he's watching. She's made us call her baby Jesus all day and insisted she'd be allowed to win games. Then it goes, all caps. Where will it end? How do we make her stop? I can tell you now, this is a fantastic beef, Emma.

Ben and Amy, you are on Emma's side. Tom and Nish, you are on the side of... Emma's mum, of course. Baby Jesus, as we know, baby Jesus. So, has anyone got any... I'm assuming it's just Emma, you're here, but your mum is not here. Baby Jesus is not with us tonight.

No, she's not here. She's away in a manger, of course, she is. And... And I already feel bad. But you're willing to answer questions on her behalf. I'm guessing. So has anybody got any questions for Emma? And then you can talk more about her mum in a second.

Let's talk about Emma first of all. Any questions for Emma? Did this start from you? Was there a time when Christmas was ever like above your mum's birthday? And this is kind of like a counter kind of movement. Great question. Thank you. A sort of counter-insurgency.

I think I remember having nice Christmases when I was a small child. And not sort of it being taken over by her birthday. But we always had a birthday cake. And birthday wrapping was always very important. So there would be birthday wrapping instead of Christmas wrapping. Just for her or for you as well? No, but mostly just for her. But if they ran out, some of my presents might be wrapped in the ends of like birthday paper.

But would she like write, if it said happy birthday crossing, would she put in brackets to Jesus? Well, that might be next. And not only, sorry, not only does she make us call her baby Jesus. She will occasionally just stop and sort of stand in the middle of the room and say, I am baby Jesus. Just declare it. We've got to have her sectioned. Can I just say, I was really furious with her

until that piece of information, and I absolutely was on board immediately. I really want to be on the other side. I think if somebody is a bit petulant, that's incredibly embarrassing. But if they're incredibly petulant, that's legendary. And that is very much how Nish puts up with me. That is the whole thing I would 100% do.

I have a question for you. Is there a papal? Is there a Joseph? Not that he's not around for Christmas Day. I see. So she's... Thank you. So who is it? Is it just you, her and a sip? The wider family, so we do like my aunts and uncles and the cousins. Oh, so everyone you'd party to play.

And everybody must call her baby Jesus, yes. Wow. Have you seen theatre of your mother's breakdown? You're at a down. They're like... You're like Pedro Al-Modabo, right? That's quite new. The baby Jesus thing is quite new the last few years. Again, I like that so much more. I love the idea that she's like,

you know what? I've actually had to think about our Christmas and you're all expecting her to say we should leave the birthday start, but she goes, you need to call me Jesus. So does she, it's her family who comes to? Yes, it's her family, her side of the family. Her side of the family, fantastic, fantastic.

How old is she if you don't mind me asking? She's turned 60 last year, so we did a big thing. her 60th, and we were all right with it last year. And then she's 61 this year, and we're like, you've got to tone it down. We let you have a big one last year. Did you sing Happy Birthday Baby Jesus on the sixth year first? Yes, she asks us to replace her name with Baby Jesus.

Oh, I feel like we might have an open and closed shut beefcase here. I don't know if there's anybody in the room who isn't on your mum's side. The more we hear about it, how far away could you get here? Get rid of one of those rickshaws. Let's get her down here. Does she, does she work? Yes. What's her loose?

Don't make it about benefits again. You guys are fucking obsessed. No. You're fucking Rachel Reeves. He's benefits. I'm feminist girl. She's got a job. Yes.

Loosely, what is it? She's a civil servant. Oh, I don't know. Can you answer that a bit more specifically? Yeah, yeah. Have fun of it now. Just have fun of them. She's a civil servant.

It sounds like she's got a very serious job. an important job. Yeah, yeah, I would say so. Do you think her underlings would be surprised to hear that she calls herself Baby Jibis at Christmas? Oh, interesting. I don't know, because I think she's quite like stricter. I don't think I'd want to work for her.

I'm getting the sense that she's stricter work and so much more fun at her. Yeah. Business on top party on the back. She's a human mullet. I actually work in the same department as her, so maybe I should tell her team. Tell her team.

That she makes us do this. Okay, this feels like we're hatching a plan here, isn't it? We move to blackmail your own mother at Christmas. Have you ever met a daughter in a mother relationship? Yeah. If I had that kind of gossip, my mother, absolutely I'd tell everyone. Any further questions for,

any further questions about Emma or, of course, about Baby Jesus. Clark and old? What's her name? Baby Jesus. Correct. She's drunk the Kool-Aid. She's in too deep.

Anyone from this team? I mean, I... The thing is, most of the questions I want to ask you does your mum want to hang out with us right now? Because it seems like she's kind of a loose canon but in a fun. Is she otherwise quite a solid good mum like outside of this one piece of insanity?

Yes, she's an excellent mum. She's an excellent mum and you're close. And she likes a good party, yeah. She's very fun on Christmas. I've got to say... Is she a bit grumpy at Easter? Well, she does make a big deal out of Mother's Day. So when Mother's Day, because she only gets one day a year

because she only gets her birthday. So she makes a big deal of Mother's Day. So if that falls around Easter, then that can also be another baby Jesus takeover. She just told me the dead body of Jesus Christ. I'm going to bed for three days. Do you want to be fan by palm? Does she call you Mary Magdalene?

Bible. I think your mum's out. I think this is a serious woman, an excellent mother, self-professed by her daughter, excellent mother, who has a lot of hard work. you're making your case. Do you want to sit on it for one second? It always feels like Nish is making his case.

Are you quite indirectly from reviews of my stand-up comedy? It feels like Kuma is making a case. We wish a joke had been present. I'm going to start because I feel like we've all got very very strong feelings about this right now. I'm going to start the... I'm going to ask Amy Annette to begin the case

for the prosecution. Now you have one minute to begin... I'm on Emma's side. You're on Emma's side. Okay. Okay, yes. So you are on Emma's side. Tom and Nish. You are on the mum's your minute begins now. Emma's mum is a Tory. I think that's become clear to us all. She's a Tory. She's not said it, but it's clear,

you know, and so as a Tory, yes, sometimes they say fun things. Oh, absolutely. Tories can say hilarious things. But here's the thing. Push comes to shove. Do we want to vote for a Tory? No. No. No. And again, no. Here's the thing Emma's mum sounds fun.

Of course she does, because what does a tory way sound like fun? And then they get into power, and then they kill our grandmas. Okay? So even think about that for one half a second. I might have just pick you up on what is a Tory who always sound like fun. Yeah, yeah, yeah, because traditionally, yes, some of the boring tories they don't know, but a lot of, like, we want to laugh at them.

I'm laughing at Jacob, Jacob, Brawl. And cherubs. Here's the thing. I'm a white middle class woman. Yes. Okay, and I'm drinking avocca. I'm as close to a Tory as in this room. It's not that I haven't met Tories,

and it's not that I haven't. say it snogged them. Okay? I went to Durham University. Nish is a Tory. Cut the live stream. Cut the live stream. Guys, my...

This is makeup. No, Nish, not now. My name's Nick Cooper. No. I'm from Hertfordshire. I call my mum by her first name and wear my shoes indoors. Nish, not now.

We said we do it at the next millennium. Okay. So that's the end of my thing. I think Emma's mom, sure, up front, we're thinking, ha, ha, ha, ha, Boris Johnson on, have I got news for you? Boris Johnson hanging on the zip line, ha, ha, ha, ha, we'll live laugh laughing. But then it comes to push to shove. And I won't rephrase that.

It comes to push to shove. And at the end of the day, we should be paying more for our art centres. Thank you so much, yes. So how is Nish going to come back from Fuck the Tories? How is he going to... What's his counter argument to that? Nish, you're going to open the case. for the defence, your minute begins now.

There is simply no way that your mum is a Tory. How do I know this? Reason number one. She works for the civil service. And according to a post I read on Dominic Cummings' substack, all the civil service are woke, leftist, transgender.

So there is no way. My second piece of evidence, she chooses to be called baby Jesus. And no Tory would choose to take the name of a Palestinian refugee. So there is simply no way that this woman is a conservative voter.

On the other hand, she is, let's say it, a laugh and a bit of a loose cannon. And I don't agree. She's reform. Okay. Okay. Now we're getting somewhere. Okay.

Listen, she is, she is, she's behaving wildly. She's behaving petulately. But as I say, I do think that a bit of petulance is not great. A lot of petulants is fantastic. I think it's absolutely brilliant that she forced.

other adults to refer to her as baby Jesus. I think it's incredible that she looked around before you sang happy birthday to her and did this, denoting eye contact with me and then mouthed the words, baby Jesus, as you all started singing happy birthday. I think that is absolutely legendary behaviour. She's always been a good mum to you.

That's a fantastic Christmas miracle. And also, I think we can all agree that calling yourself the baby Jesus is objectively funny. I think we could all also agree The people whose birthdays are on Christmas do have broadly quite a difficult go of it in their lives. Like it's not a fun experience.

Yeah, that, listen, that BG is chair... It has clearly had a very, very difficult life. So I think we can all agree. Vote baby Jesus. Vote Jesus. Emma, how do you think it's going so far? I lost faith in my own position. You've lost faith, yeah.

A long time ago. Oh, is she a Tory, though? So she is a simple servant, obviously, so we're all remaining politically neutral. I would say that she skews board to the left of this table, as I'm looking at it, that's... She looks towards...

She scoes this way. She could probably give you a bit of a run for your money, Nish. Oh, but that's... I mean, that... I said she wasn't a Tory. I didn't say, is she a communist? Is she funneling money to Maoist militias?

I'm not doing that. I'm not doing that. Cut the live stream. Cut the live stream. Cut the live stream. No, no. We would... Right, we...

Okay, Clarkie, you are up next. Now, you are going to conclude the case for the prosecution. Oh, baby. Oh, baby, you are. I can only imagine it's about to get less political. Yes. Hands up, who knew that at some point

I would refer to Jesus being a Palestinian refugee. Come on, we all knew... Yeah, we all knew that was coming. Right, Clarkie, you have got one minute. Good time starts. Now... Oh, well, we've all...

had a lot of advocate, haven't we? And that's an important thing to remember right now. And, you know, is your mum a lot of fun? Yes. Do I prefer her

to probably anyone in this room? Yes. But I think what we have to do here is you have to fight fire with fire. She's adopted a fun Christmas

character. You have to counter with your own. May I suggest Merry Nishmas. You're coming through the ring. You ask her, where are the Littlands? She's going upstairs, she's crying in a bedroom all night.

You've wrestled Christmas back. You're welcome, thank you. I rest. Harky rest, everybody. With his trademark sign off, you're welcome, thank you, I rest. Cut the stream. Cross the streams.

You're welcome, thank you. I rest is politics. Let's hear from you, Tom Perry. Now, I've got to ask you a question. As it's Christmas, are you going to be doing it as yourself? No, I'll do it as a defence lawyer from the deep south with John Grisham novel, Mr. Fanshaugh Standon. Fanshaustandon.

Presiding and providing, your minute should you need it, begins now. Ladies and gentlemen, I've done. jury. Hell and may I begin by saying season's greetings. Something them dead lawyers from the big city there probably know nothing about.

They don't have, they have merry festiveness in the big city over there. Burning the trees or some such thrown them at the river. Round here, we good old-fashioned folks. We queue for the mince pies. And

Well, we'll still shove you for a pudding. The traditions, the old times. Now, you all probably understand about a predicament where two big days collide and such, hell, I don't need to tell you the story. Y'all be knowing the story. Of the day, I made a real goof of myself in the town square and went and bought myself a hat on Pig Day.

The day of all the days. I done gone got my calendar mixed up. I said calendar there. Don't get your knickers in a twist, lady. Can't cook nothing these days. You're strolling into town with a brand new hat. You Johnny King of the Walk. Familiar smell.

Pigs. Can't go door to door, presenting your new hat on Big Day? You need a swine. Hell it's Christmas, mistletoe and swine. To the defence rests, you all. Well, very strong arguments for both sides. And just really to remind me,

Ben and Amy were on the side of, yes, and then Tom and Nish were on the side of, yeah. Okay, fine, good. Okay, now it all makes sense. Obviously, I cannot make the decision myself as I am currently on the naughty list, or as the media insist on calling it, the Epstein Files. You don't, it's a hoax Donald.

You don't have to. to release him, it's fine by. Now, it would be so funny. There's no one, it would be funny for their name to be on the MC list, apart from Matthew Crosby. Well, I'm Daniel Sloss, come on. The terrible Toosum, yeah, we tore it up.

We tore it up on that island, we really did. Now, listen, instead, I'm going to ask our live Underbelly Boulevard audience to cast their... Oh, we're live streaming, I forgot the... Cut the radio, you! The live stream. So instead, I am going to ask our live underbelly audience to cast their vote. If you think Emma and therefore Amy and Ben are in the right.

Yes, that's right, Clarkie. Get it all out, mate. Get it all out. Get out the sinuses. He needs this. But if you think Amy and Ben are in the right, I like to applaud now. Very polite. I think we're in first applause there. But if you think Nish and Fanshawn made the best case,

And therefore, of course, baby Jesus deserves Christmas Day. Then I'd like you to applaud now. Baby Jesus, baby Jesus, baby Jesus, baby Jesus, baby Jesus. Baby Jesus, baby Jesus. And you know what, as it's Christmas, that round is worth two points. Now it is time for the longest... That one each. It's one free side, yeah.

A bit of balance. Now... Got a show balance. Now it is time for the longest jingle since Santa had an epileptic fit. I'm not sure about it. Disavow. I don't know.

I'm disavowing you, Matthew. I don't know about that, actually. We can't have that. We can't have that at Christmas. Gwynne. Gwynne gave me a gag. Gwynne said I've got a great gag for you. No, no.

He said bag. He said bag. It wasn't... What a bad, actually. Anyway, it's time for the quick-far-round jingle. This is the quick-far round. This is the round that goes real slow. Other jingles are quite fast, don't you know?

This round is very quick. But the jingle it is very long It's very, very long, it's louder than a song The quick far out Is very quick This jingle is quite long People will think that it is long The round it lasts 12 days

Willing for vagasana We'd better get on with it. We have got a chance of doing the quick fire round before the night is through. Santa Claus is in his sleigh and he's coming for you. Quick far out. Quick a fire roll. That gave me a nosebleed. Yes, it's time.

I was imagining an opera singer. Ah. So are we. So it's the quick fire round. Please welcome back to the piano. The man who puts the ass in vague assenance is producer Gwynne. Take a quick break. You're California sober.

Yes, California sober. So, yeah, actually, Gwynn's just texted me another cryptic message. And this one, I really can't work out. Anybody interested in having a drug and booze-fuelled chem sex party? With a thin Welsh piano player and podcast producer, please see him after the show Pill emoji, Omogee, Omogee, Welsh flag emoji. Again, I've got no

clue what you're up to. Yes, folks, this is very exciting. It is... We don't give him the name brand stuff. That's above the line. That is above the line. That's top table only.

He's drinking something called Tesco's Advocate. Fanshaul? Is this your dream? So, folks, it is the moment we've all been waiting for. It's the annual. flat share slam down 12 days of Christmas. Now, as always, all of the answers have, you know it, a vague assonance. A vague assonance with the lyrics to the classic Christmas song. I will sing the clue if you think you know the right answer and you're on the panel.

Chill out, guys. We know you all know it. Give them a fighting chance first. If you think you have the right answer, shout out your first names. Ben and Amy, let's hear yours. Ben. Amy. Nish and Tom?

Nish. Beautiful. Off we go. This is Partridge and Pear Tree. A shindig held by Sherlock Holmes at his Baker Street House. That's a shindig held by Sherlock Holmes at his Baker Street House.

That's what you want, isn't it? Ben. Ben. A party at 223B. Oh yeah. Famously. 223. They always say. Where does Sherlock Holmes live?

223B Baker Street. Here's the thing. They knocked down his house. And they put in some flats. Okay, and they said some of these flats are for the poor, but they didn't give him to the poor. They gave it to him and they popped him up, but now he's 221B.

Okay, it's 221B. Let's also get together. It's a party at 221B. There we go. Two turtle doves. The tree from Guardians of the Galaxy owns a few greenish blue cups for tea. The tree from Guardians of the Galaxy

owns a few greenish blue cups for tea. Grewt, turquoise doves, claps. Groot, turquoise cups. You're so close. You're so close. Mugs. Turquoise mugs. It's correct. Groutes, turquoise mugs

and a party at 221B. Here we go, three French hens. Former Prime Minister, Mrs May, is fixing. broken things. Chill out, Nish. Like the economy that she smashed. Former Prime Minister, Mrs May is fixing broken things.

Three French hens. The guy the front... Trees amends. Yes, is absolutely correct. Amy Annette. And a point to the audience as well. Two reason, mens, Groot, turquoise, marks, and a party at two to R&B. Four calling birds.

Oh, this is going to be a contentious one, guys. We've mentioned them already. Here we go. Bring me a few extra metal draining bowls. Tom. Carlin. More call in dust. It's correct.

More call in dirt. Theresa Medes. Gruisd-Terc was hot and a party at 2-1. Okay, this is five gold rings. Really go for it, guys, when we get this. He's the journalist and broadcaster who hosts mastermind. Klaught, niche, Klai, and six geese are laying. This is an old reference, guys.

And that's you saying it. And that's me saying it. Is it going to be about the new deal? Strap. Alexander Graham Bell. Neanderthalman. The Doomsday Book! The...

This is... I'm excited about this one, guys. What... The... It's six Gilles. Okay. The man who broke Bearings Bank is riding with...

You remember him, don't you guys? The man who broke Bearings Bank is riding with Santa through the sky. Nish... Nickleason Slayin. It's going to! Nick. Gleased and slaying

Highers, trees and meds fruities Seven swanser swimming. This is a spicy one. Brother. Brothers Gary and Phil are raising cash for charity by licking butts.

Ayah, yay. What's the original? They've been on the circle line. It's of course seven swanters swimming. Grand brothers rimming. Oh, oh. Yeah. You're almost there.

Anybody else want to go for it? Say again, say again. It is Brothers Gary and Phil are raising cash for charity by licking butts. Mitchell Brothers. Not the Mitchell Brothers, no. But it is Rimming.

It is Rimming. Listen, it's Christmas. We're working towards Rimmons. Mitchell Brothers Circle Life. No, no, it is not the Mitchell Brothers Circle. It's not... Neville Brothers Rimming. Okay, it's for charity.

Don't forget. It's for charity, guys. Eriton, a crucial detail. It's seven swans are swimming, okay? So any ideas? Yeah, what do you think? One point to the audience, it is indeed. Nevel's sponsored, reaming, Nick, leeson, slaying.

More collard, dirt, treason, ends, brutes, turquoise, marks, and a party at two to one me. Eight maids are milking. Here we go. Review the guy. from Poldark and Rivals fucking apparatus

that oscillates to and fro We're gonna need that again We're gonna need that again I'll slow it down Review the guy From Poldark and Rivals fucking apparatus That oscillates to and fro

Take it, take it part by part Guys we've got the guy from Paul He's very, oh he's very handsome Very very handsome Very very handsome What is his name? What is his name? He's called Okay, yes

Aiden Turner Aiden Turner Aiden Ternet he's called Aid Ternor He's called eight. And then something is oscillated. What? What's a fucking apparatus that oscillates to and fro? And what are you doing to it?

You're also reviewing it. Okay, there's a lot of things going on here, guys. You need to keep all of these details in your head. And I'll tell you the order it's happening. It's review. Rate. Raid. Yes.

Rate. Raid. Have you got it all? Ray Aiden Turner. Swinging. Right. Tom. Tom.

Ray Aidan's sex swing. Oh, Ben. It was just in there with a bullet. Right. and sex, with Neville, sponsored, ruining, Nick, Lease and Slay,

Clyde, lies, a men's, grutes, and voice, and a party, a two, two, one, B. Night ladies dancing.

You're playing charades and you have to act out that show where comedians can't chuckle. You're playing charades and you have to act out that show where comedians cannot chuckle.

Any ideas from, I mean, audience have got it. They've got it. Nish. Nish. Mime, last one laughing. Is correct. Hey, mine. Last one laughing. Great. Made and set, swim, gravel, swanson, rimming, nick, leased, leased and sleigh. Club. Rees and then, crews, twos, twos, bites.

At a party at two to one. Meet. Ten lords are leaping. The lead singer of no doubt is doing the sport that involves map reading. What? It involves map reading. If the singer of No Doubt is doing a sport that involves map reading, and it is a spot. Gwen Orienteering.

Yeah, he's exactly right. Gwen's orientering. My last one laughing. Right. We take the stakes with no-sponsored rimming. Nick Leeson Slaying. Bye, bye. The 11 pipers pipinging.

Miss Morissette has a poisonous snake so valuable. It's worth more than money. And I believe that to be true, Miss Morris said. Has a poisonous snake so valuable. It's worth more than money. Lish. Alanis Vipers Priceless. It's correct, Nishkima.

It's fipers priceless. Gwen, sorry, teary. My last one laughing, great, aid and sex, two medals, sponsored, rimming. Nick, leased and slaying. Bipar. Tours Tories are men

Bruce Tudgers Two one Last one guys Really give it everything And this is an up-to-date reference The band that did tub thumping We get 20-25 guys 2025

Looks like they got up again The band that did tub thumping Now fix water Pipes. Ben. Ben! Jumbar Womba's Plumming! Okay, guys.

Jumbarmon. Christmas to all, but before, before we find out the final scores, Nish and Amy, where can people find you? What have you got on sale over Christmas that people can buy for their relatives and friends? We both have the same thing. What do you got?

We both have my Soho show. Oh, yes, that's right. Yeah, yeah. Run at the Soho Theatre, which I will be. doing one of the nights of in some very controversial prosthetics. Bit of the old reverse racism.

But the prosthetics are, nah, where you think. What dates would that be, Amy, that we're doing that? For us. We are doing it on the 28th to the 31st of January. Yes, get your phone out. Put it in the diary. So very near here, Soho Theatre,

the one round, in the Dean Street zone. Yeah, that's a one. And it's a show that I did in Edinburgh last year, and I'll remember it by then. Well, do go and see Amy. Absolutely fantastic. Give me a big round of applause. Two super phenomenal guests. Thank you. Thank you all for watching and for listening. What a wonderful year. It's been. As always, check out our Patreon. Patreon.

Patreon.com for slash Pappy's Flash share. Like, subscribe, rate and review our podcast or recommend the podcast to all of your friends. So producer Emma, this is thrilling. What are the... Are we not all finishing the bottle of advocates? I really try. Did you chin the whole thing? My good gosh. the deal? It's half past nine. Wasn't that?

Okay, we've got... But it's Christmas. We've got to wrap up minus 40 minutes ago. So let's chin these avocars and then we'll find out the final scores. Down they go, down the hatch. Down your ambrosia. Okay, I'm happy to do it. Ambrosia. Do you guys think you'll ever have a house?

Do you ever think you have a puppy's house? Do you think that's next? We'd love a puppy house. Do you love a house full stop? Do you mean... Do you mean are our partner's going to leave us? Back on the towel line. Chris,

producer Emma, as it works its way up to my sinuses, let's hear, let's hear, the final scores of this festive flat share. Slam down. Tom and Nish, 31 points.

My age, thank you. Ben and Amy, 45. Wow. My waistline. So Tom and Nish are bringing glad ties to comfort and joy whilst Ben Atles, sorry, Tom, Tom, oh, it doesn't matter. Either way, either way, someone's won, someone's lost, we've been Pappies.

Thank you to our guest, Amy Nish Kumar, Merry Christmas to you all. We will see you next time on, Flatchez, Lambdown. Merry Christmas, everyone. Pappies, festive, Blatchezer Stamdown, Fitchie, McCloughby, Ben Clark and Tom Perry with special guest, Nish Kumar and Amy Annette. It was advised by Pappies and Ben Walker. Take the expertise.

by Emma Corsham and quick re-savis. It was filmed by Ed Moore and was produced by Emma Corsham. Big thanks to Marina and everyone at the Underbelly Boulevard to all the wonderful folks who came to today show to you watching the live stream

and to you listening at home. Pabby's Flashette Standout and The Secret News Bruxian for A-Cast and the internet. Merry Christmas, everyone, and to all. Good night! So, folks, there's the episode.

Hope you enjoyed it. I wish it was the end now. It's the end now. Yeah, yeah, it's the end. Yeah, yeah, it's the end. Goodbye, goodbye. We've got to say, Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome to the end of the show.

Tom, you've got a message you wanted to deliver to me. Well, once again, we want to say thank you for a wonderful year. We love doing what we do. We love the fact that we still get to work together and chat together all the time. And, oh, it's got sad. Do you not have the, yeah. No, no, I did. I know.

I don't think we wouldn't talk if we didn't have the podcast. Anyway, I've got to say, guys, welcome, welcome, welcome to what I've got in the final ever episode. We're meant to be back next year in February, but I don't know what we will be. No, no. A massive reason why we keep on doing what we do is because of you, the lovely listeners. Thank you for all your support. Thank you for all your interactions. All the patrons there. Thank you so much. It makes the world to us. It makes the world to us. All right, guys. Listen, I've got to say, you have to wrap this up before Tom is crying. From all three of us, I've got to say, welcome, welcome, welcome to just cut. With strength to carry on. Okay. Welcome. Welcome.

Welcome, welcome to the end of the episode. See you later, guys. Merry Christmas. Cheers to all, bye. And crucially happy New Year. Cheers everyone. Bye.