Pappy's Flatshare - Xmas Slamdown w/ Bridget Christie & Kiell Smith-Bynoe & Ed Gamble (Position the Elf on the Shelf) S14E46

Episode Date: December 10, 2024

Neither “Tom!” nor “Ben!” want to position the Elf on the Shelf… so Matthew says we’re gonna have to have a FESTIVE Flatshare Slamdown!Matthew Crosby, Ben Clark and Tom Parry Wicks recorded live at Underbelly Boulevard, Soho with guests Kiell Smith-Bynoe and Bridget Christie and Ed GambleWithBridget Christie - https://www.bridgetchristie.co.uk/Kiell Smith-Bynoe - https://www.instagram.com/klayzeflaymzSecret extra guest Elf Gamble - ElfGwyn Rhys Davis - https://twitter.com/gwynrhysdaviesPappy's - https://www.instagram.com/pappyscomedy/Support us on Patreon - https://www.patreon.com/pappysflatshareFind tickets to all our live shows here - pappyscomedy.com/liveEdited by Emma Corsham Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Greetings, listener dear, I'm Tom. I'm Matthew. Don't worry, Ben is just around the corner. He's coming down the chimney. Like Christmas. That's right. That's who comes down the chimney. Christmas.

Oh no, sorry. Christmas is just around the corner. No, Christmas is just his surname. This is how you've got the attitude where you call Father Christmas Christmas himself, don't you? Here he comes, old Christmas himself. But yes, this is our Christmas special, full title, our Father Christmas special, and it's an absolute corker.

We're not going to waste too much time at the top here telling you about it, but we recorded it at the Underbelly Boulevard, a gorgeous venue, a venue that was way too nice for us. Our poshest ever venue. Way too posh, yeah, yeah. Way too posh for us but they were very, very generous and very lovely and we had, I would say, our poshest ever guests. That's not true. We had Bridget Christie, we had Kyle Smith-Bino and a secret, secret special cameo guest who appears a little bit later on. Yeah, we had a tremendous amount of fun. If you heard Christmas episodes of ours before, you'll know all about it. It was one for the ages.

It was one for the season and I think you're going to enjoy it. If you'd like to hear a little bit more, get onto the Patreon. Join our Patreon, patreon.com forward slash Pappy's Flat Share, where you can you can actually hear a load of stuff from the night you're about to hear, but that was just for the room. Little secret stuff we recorded just for the room that we then put out on our Patreon. Don't mind things that are just for the room dude. That sounds exciting to me. Join the room guys. Patreon.com forward slash Pappy's flat share. Right, should we crack on with it? Yeah, let's get into it.

Merry Christmas everybody. Have a great time. Vague assonance, lots of advocate and a whole lot of fun. Here we go. What is it, Matthew? What is it, you festive fucker? Whoa. How dare you?

Well, listen, listen. This place is seriously lacking festive cheer. One of you two needs to reposition the elf on the shelf. Oh, no. Oh, well, it's not going to be Ben. No, it's not going to be me. Tell us why, Clarky. Pray tell.

I feel kind of weird about Christmas, if I'm honest with you, because this one time when I was a kid, my whole family went on holiday and left me over the Christmas period. And you know, it was pretty fun, I've got to be honest, you know, I tried on aftershave, fought off some robbers, learnt the true meaning of Christmas, but then they just didn't come back. They just didn't come back. Clarky, that's broken my heart. Tom, I hope you've written something. If you like. Well, I can't do it because I had a terrible time with Christmas last year. I Yeah, I was working on this ill-advised

sequel You haven't seen it You haven't seen it I Was working on this ill-advised sequel to the story of the three wise men. Now you remember the three wise men. They went on a walk or a trek, if you will, following a star or a celestial object. Oh yeah.

Yeah, so it was a sequel to that story. But instead of giving gold frankincense or myrrh, they each gave a bottle of egg-based liqueur that had been made by the mayor of London. They each struggled to gift wrap. Is anyone taking notes here? Because I feel like... It was called Star Trek 2, the rap of Advocan. And that's not bad, actually. That's not bad.

I'm with you, Kyle. I've got no idea what the fuck's going on. There's only one way to settle this, we have to have a... Flat Shared Slam Down! Flat Shared Slam Down! Flat Shared Slam Down! Flat Shared Slam Down! Flat Shared Slam Down! Oh my word.

Hello and welcome to Flat Shared Slam Down, the panel show that says When I was young I never needed anyone and making love was just for fun Those days are gone. Living alone I think of all the friends I've known But when I dial the telephone Nobody's home All by my elf Don't wanna be All by my elf Anymore All by my elf anymore. Don't wanna be a man. I'm Matthew Crosby, let's meet my Grotto dwellers. Beautiful. Tom Parry and Benedict Clark. Hello. Now welcome everybody, but you can't relocate a small elf on your own.

Who have you brought to suggest fun new locations tonight? Tom? Well Matthew, the Jamboree's in danger. No! Yes! We were visited by three ghosts and they worked for the health and safety board. And our kitchen failed. It's hygiene rating. Oh no! Yeah. So I invited my most festive friend along, it's Bridget Christmas everybody!

Bridget! Bridget Christmas! Bridget Christmas is here. Bridget it's so lovely to have you on the show. Welcome, welcome back. The pleasure's all mine. Now what, you said you love Christmas, you would tell me back stage you love Christmas. What's your favourite thing about Christmas, the festive season? All of it. Really? Yes. There's no downsides to a festive Christmas in the Christmas household. But it starts on the 1st of December.

I have rules, it can't start before then. Really? But everything can start on the 1st. So you don't stick to the magic Christmas model, which is the 27th of November. What? When they do the handover, it becomes 100% Christmas from the 27th.

That's, there's no one else listening to the handover. It's the best bit of the day. The festive season begins on the 27th, but what starts on the first? Talk me through a 1st of December in the Christmas household. Would get the tree first. Oh yeah.

And then have hot snacks while I'm getting the tree. Oh my God. Yes please. Now we're talking snacks while I'm getting the truck. Oh my God. Yes please. Now we're talking about my favorite Frank Zappa album. Yeah. Stick that on the jukebox. Who's that for? Anne.

Anne. Anne. Anne. Anne. Anne. Anne. Anne. Anne.

Anne. Anne. Anne. Anne. Anne. Anne. Anne. Anne. Anne. Anne. Anne. Anne. And my favourite thing to do is when I get the tree decorations cased, everything's in a suitcase.

Great. I think, oh, I'm alive, because I didn't die. You said I'm alive? Yeah. It's the only time you feel alive? No, it's the only time I think, oh, I didn't die. There's a body in the suitcase, isn't there? At least that's not me.

No, it's like I unzip it and I go, still alive. You've made it through one more year. Still alive. Still alive. She's the ghost of Christmas presents. No, but it's like, I don't do it on my birthday. It's like, there's a... Cause it's a ritual getting everything out every year.

Yeah. And the same things. And then it just does really make you think You can think it every day of the year though. I mean like today's the second when we're recording this You're still alive What like have a second suitcase? Yeah, have multiple like Russian suitcases Like an advent calendar or suitcase

Exactly yes, have a suitcase calendar A really big fuck-off suitcase and in the final one there's just a no longer hot snack. It's just a room temperature snack. Do you remember what happened with the banana? Oh yeah? Is this for the room? Okay, I used to do...

Oh, I do remember this. You used to do a funny thing with a banana, didn't you? No, no, no, no. Guys, seriously, come on now. Come on, please. No, come on. We're better than that. Stop it.

Because there was all the flies. Do you remember? Yeah, yeah. You got like a maggot infestation in your agent's office. Well, it wasn't my... It was the tour promoter. So, you know, my shows used to have lots of costumes and props.

Yeah. Well, the suitcase went from Edinburgh to the, my tour promoter and he left, it was in the office. Right. In Soho and they had a flight infestation in the offices and they didn't know where it was coming from. And then they traced it to my suitcase with all my Charles the second costumes in it and a banana that Oliver Cromwell

It was a very old banana guys, it's a very old banana That made you feel alive as well, didn't it? I still have that suitcase and that banana. No, I it's just yeah I mean, I am grateful for every day, but there's something about getting to the end of the year. How bummed out are you when you put those things back in the suitcase? Is that a tough day for you? No, I like that as well.

You're just a big fan of suitcases. Yeah, I think, just, do you know what you love? A holiday. It'll blow your mind. Parke, who have you brought with you this week? I have brought the actual Father Christmas played by Kyle Smith-Bino! Kyle Smith-Bino! Let me do! I've got to ask you, Kyle, what makes you feel alive? This sort of thing, you know?

Yeah, the life experience. I'm turning up to a place and there's an audience and we're here and I'm wondering, have I missed an email? Well, telling you what time to arrive. It's good, no, it's good. You turn up, the audience are here waiting, yeah. Didn't that make you feel alive? Will he turn up?

Yeah, I sweat through my jumper, really did. Great. So, and what's, did you feel alive? Will he turn up? Yeah, I sweat through my jumper. It really did. Great. So, and what's, do you enjoy Christmas? You a festive fellow? Nope. Okay. You yank.

Good booking. Whoa. Good booking. Have you tried advercar by the way? Would that make your, make it, things feel a bit more festive? It's the first alcoholic drink I ever tasted. Is it?

Yeah. What a way to start. And maybe it'll be the last. Um, my dad gave me some when I was younger. It is a good way to get kids on the booze, I'd say. I don't really remember. I know it's sort of creamy. Yeah, I only did two bottles,

but I remember it being creamy, but is there a flavor? Well, give it a go. That's yours to enjoy. Crack it open. Crack it open. Now, now Kyle's, everyone's on the avocados tonight. You're more than welcome. Richard just gave me a look.

Please don't make me drink avocados. No, I love it, but I can't have it anymore because I'm vegan and I think there's... Of course. What a loophole. What does that mean? That's a great way... What does that mean? Oh, eggs.

It contains barn eggs. Yeah, barn eggs, yeah. The best kind of eggs. These eggs came from a barn. Now I'm off the booze at the moment, but Corsham has bought me this Devon custard, so... So I'm going to be joining you. I'll just... Just... If that goes down as smooth as it's pouring... It's weird that the...

We're in for a claggy night. The custard pours better than the advocate. That is actually... That's not last year's advocate. Clarky was going to bring a bottle that was already opened, but I thought... Oh, I have. Oh, yeah. It's brought the colour back to your cheeks. Anyway, cheers everybody.

Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Oh, I'm sad I can't have it. Do you know what? I did realise something recently which is quite sad, which is that... Oh, not another one. Which is that all the emotions that I have from eating and drinking that are tied up with my childhood, I don't have anymore because I'm not having those foods.

Because you're not a child anymore? Oh no, because all of the things you can no longer eat because you're a vegan? So it's making me just want to not be a vegan anymore. Yeah, fuck those animals. Fuck that shit. Imagine. Imagine. Imagine. just bring out a hog roast. Come on, let's do it. Let's do it. Is this nice?

Well, you tell me. That's the question. No, I just had some, but yeah. I still don't know. It kind of is. It's nice. It's kind of nice. Until it isn't.

Yeah, it's okay at first. What is it? Oh, no one knows that. It's a bit like custard, it's a bit like paraffin, it's not quite as good as either of those things. You have it with lemonade, normally. It's a snowball with lemonade, yeah. It's like a boozy scrambled egg.

There's no ingredients. Oh no, no, no, honestly, you don't know the ingredients. It's just pure Christmas spirit. Yeah, and barn eggs as well. And barn eggs. Crucially. Crucially barn eggs. Together we open three different bottles. Oh, nothing goes back, guys.

It's the yoke of human kindness. Well, we have met our guest. Let's find out who is healthy, wealthy and wise as we play Round 1 now! I'm up with Prancer, and he's got this bottle And it needs drinking, so we get on it But I've started thinking, it looks bad, the colour of mustard The consistency of custard, it smells like petrol, you bastard Feels like I'm swallowing form it, mouth tastes like I've noshed off Karmic And yet I'm not gonna stop it And now I'm driving my sled off my head Finished the advercar

Tongue feels weird, sick in my beard Cause of the advercar Took a big wee down your chimney Blame the advercar And yes it was me who shat under your tree don't drink advocate, no no no no Come on

Yes please Wonderful stuff there, wonderful stuff Now the first round Lads, baby, would dream of that kind of writing I know, I know I know Let's steal the money. The first...

Let's get that trending, guys. Why did it sound like it was played from a cassette? We've been doing podcasting for a very long time. This goes out on a wax cylinder of all things. So the first round is called Ant and Deck the Halls. Now that name is very important and it has nothing to do with the gameplay, okay? So forget that name. I'm going to give each player a question about the festive season. They have to write down the answer that they think most people would give. Okay? Try and think like most

people. Most people in the world. Most people in the world. Or in the room. They're also in the world. Have you surveyed the entire world? Yes. Oh my God. Most people. We asked 8 million people.

I will then ask the other three to shout out at the same time what they think the player has written down. If you shout out the answer that's written down you get two points and the player gets one point. But if all four answers are identical the player gets a whopping five extra points. Don't worry about points guys. Bridget, stop listening.

Yeah. Bridget, stop listening. I was literally like, what is he saying? You were just going. What? When do I get a chance to ask what he just said? No one was listening to that. No, that little bit of information

is purely for Gwyn who's keeping score. The audience don't need to know that bit. The guests don't need to know that bit. You don't need's keeping score. The audience don't need to know that bit, the guests don't need to know that bit, you don't need to know Tom, you don't need to know Ben. It's fine, don't worry about that bit. But I said it out loud because I'm not expecting to see Gwyn. It's like a talent you have. It makes people stop listening. Oh, yeah, honestly. Sunday mornings 8 to 11. Anyway, basically the idea is the aim is for all four answers to be identical, okay? Well, that's what we're aiming for, okay?

Same answers to be identical. I'll talk you through this round very slowly. Here we go. We'll start with Ben. Ben, I would like you to write down, but not tell us, what you think is the best day of the Christmas holidays. What do you think is the best day of the Christmas holidays? Don't be swayed by what Bridget said at the start of the Christmas holidays. Well, what do you think is the best day of the Christmas holidays? Don't be swayed by what Bridget said.

I was going to say, am I allowed to go for the handover? 27th of you are you allowed to go for that one? If you think the most people have say that then you're allowed to go for the handover on the 27th. But yes. OK, so I want the rest of you to think about what does it go to New Year's? Yes. Yeah. It goes all the way. I'm going to, I tell you what, it's going to go all the way up to the fifth when you take down your decorations. It's going to go all the way up to 12th.

I thought that was the sixth. Well, you take him down before the sixth, don't you? On the sixth. I thought you didn't like Christmas. Oh, I hate it. He's counting down the days and it's over. Wait, what is it? The fifth or the sixth?

Do you know what? That sounds the same to me. We'll take, yes. Did you hear Yanni or Laurel there? We'll take it up to the sixth, okay? So from the first to the sixth, that's what we'll take it up to. Within that period. The first of what?

March. The first of January. The first of January to the sixth of January next year. Okay. Name the best day. March. The 1st of January to the 6th of January next year. Okay, okay. Name the best day. 371 days. Which one is your best one? That's what we're going for. Okay, guys. Okay.

We're going to play this eight times. So, the best day of the Christmas holidays, the rest of you think of what your answer would be, what you think most people would say. Okay? Oh, wait. Oh. Remember, it's what most people would say. All right.

So, Kyle, Bridget, and Tom, I'm going to count to three and I'd like you to simultaneously tell us what you think most people would say is the best day of the Christmas holidays. I'll do one, two, three and then you say the answer, okay? Ready? One, two, three. Boxing day. What did you say? Can I just say there were two very definite boxing days from Kyle and Tom. Bridget, you sort of whispered it a little bit. Bridget went, rocks and blood mums. What? Brexit day. Brexit day. We reclaimed our freedom. You truly felt alive on that day, didn't you?

It was the best day of my life. When you opened up your suitcase, all the maggots flew out, it was amazing. What did you say, Bridget? Christmas day. You said Christmas day. So we've got Christmas day and two boxing days. Okay, all right. Here we go. Clarky, let's see how the answers match up. What did you go for? Christmas Day.

Christmas Day! Congratulations! Yeah, wait, okay. I knew you would do that. And not a popular answer. Tom, talk to me about why boxing day is the best one. Christmas Day is the most stressful of the three. Yes. Christmas Eve, you've got all the anticipation. Of the three days. The excitement. Christmas Day is tense.

There's the stress of giving the presents, then getting the dinner ready, then recovering from the dinner. Then you have the... Recovering from the dinner. The evening, you have the evening farts then, because you've eaten more vegetables than you've eaten your whole year. Tom, what's a negative outlook? But then you get to Boxing Day and it's great.

You eat the leftovers. Oh, yeah, but then it's fine to eat all that same food. Yeah, because you've got the farts out on the Christmas Day. Christmas Day is not how farts work, Tom. And you of all people should know that. Tom saves them up, he corks himself for the rest of the year, and then he just goes off like a balloon. But you're a father.

Yeah. I really enjoy spending time with my kids on Boxing Day. It's the one day he's allowed to see them, isn't it? Come down off the bridge, Batman's come home, kids. He can... I come down off the bridge, Batman's come home kids! He dresses as Santa year round. Absale down, opens his suitcase and then has to repack it the day after. Kyle, why is Boxing Day such a big one for you? Do you hate Christmas Day and then guess it's over? It means Christmas is done, yeah.

No, it's just like, you know, there's nothing to do with it apart from watch... Mrs. Brown's Boys. Yeah, watch the omnibus. Well, you've talked me around. Watch the DVD I got for Christmas. You're still rocking the DVD. Love it. Well, we're still rocking the tape player.

Yeah, I think it's just quite nice, isn't it? Leftovers and all that, there's no pressure. Yeah, yeah. I'm with you. I'm with you. I'm with you. I'm with you. I'm with you.

I'm with you. I'm with you. I'm with you. I, we're still rocking the tape player. Yeah, I think it's just quite nice, isn't it? Leftovers and all that, there's no pressure. Yeah, yeah, I'm with you. You can stop pretending you like the presents if you still get them. Are you out of the loop of presents? Yeah. Is this why you don't like Christmas so much?

No, but I'm only child as well. So Christmas for me was spent with a bunch of adults. And now it's spent with a bunch of adults again. And um, boring. Yeah, fair enough, fair enough. Well some points went to some people there. Um, well, you're... Can I just ask very quickly, anyone in the room Christmas Eve?

I love Christmas Eve. Big cheer for Christmas Eve? Can we have a cheer for Christmas Day? Boxing Day? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Just his. The 27th.

The 28th. The 28th. Brexit Day. Brexit Day. Wow. Wow. Big cheer on the balcony for Brexit Day. It was quite popular at the time, wasn't it?

52. I do like that bit though, in between. Wow, big cheer on the balcony for Brexit Day. It was quite popular at the time, wasn't it? 52. I do like that bit though, in between. I like like 27th to 30th. Do you know what it reminds me of? You know when you go through a toll booth on the roads and for like about 50 meters there's no rules.

You know when you first get into Wales and it's like, whoa! And then the motorway starts again and it's, oh, poor remote way. That's what those days are like. It's like, bro, I don't fucking know. You can do some crazy driving. Exactly. What are you having for breakfast? I'm having a Guinness and a fucking chicken drumstick.

And then getting in your car. Driving to Wales. Right. Well, talking of Guinness and a chicken drumstick, I'd like you to write down, Kyle, the food that isn't typically served at Christmas that should be part of Christmas dinner. What do you think most people in the world

are food that isn't part of your typical Christmas dinner that you think everyone would agree? Great, look at this hot topic of conversation in the audience. Absolutely, yeah. Can we find out what they said to each other? Yeah, in a second we'll come to you guys. Okay. Because that was immediate. Like you've thought of this a lot. Right. Have you thought of it as well, Tom?

Always. Got it. Okay. Here we go. So Ben, Bridget and Tom, I'm going to count to three. I'd like the simultaneous you tell us what you think most people reckon is the food that isn't typically served at Christmas that should be part of Christmas dinner? One, two, three. Yorkshire pudding. Yorkshire pudding, beef. And what did you say? Bridget never says anything.

Bridget, you have to play the game. I did, I said it quietly. Did you say so quietly? We are recording, so we'll know. Donkey. Donkey? Donkey! Donkey?

Talk about Shrek the Hals. Bridget! The thing is, she had a chance to change it. She had a chance? Wow. So, when Bridget, when you say, I want to eat ass at Christmas, you mean something very different don't you? Just for the room.

Just for the room. Just for the room. Just for Soho. Just for Soho. Okay. Donkey! Well, let's, let's, let's find, yeah, so why have you put donkey by the way? Why have you said donkey?

You've written it down as well, just in case. You've put it in as well, just in case. You put it in a little box as well. So, Bridge, why do you why do you want to eat the humble donkey? I OK. Why do you think that? Can I establish something? As a vegan? Yeah. Why do you think? Can I just check? Is this donkey vegan?

Yeah, OK. Yeah, cool. Thought so. Yeah. Yeah. I think let me just establish something. You establish whatever you like. I thought the rules of the game were you write down what you think most people, even so... Yeah, yes! Even so, Brigitte. And you thought most people...

That's why we're confused. Can I just... Well, why is it turkey? Why isn't it donkey? It's got to end in key. There's turkey in the nativity. That's true. There's also a baby in the nativity.

I was going to say baby. You were going to say baby. That was your second answer. Body of Christ. Body of Christ. How long have you been a vegan? Because you are craving meat, aren't you? I mean, it's on and off. We have beef from you, Parry.

Is that right? Beef. Beef at Christmas. That makes perfect sense. Yorkshire pudding, it makes perfect sense. It's kind of like a part of a roast dinner. Is Yorkshire pudding not in your Christmas dinner? No mate.

Ooh. What was that noise? Anyone have Yorkshire pudding in their Christmas dinner? Yeah. It's already there. What the fuck? Yeah. Yorkshire pudding.

Is that blowing my mind? Little bit of gravy and then a hoof. That's what I am. Absolutely delicious. Lovely good box tail. Do you know what we normally do? We play pin the tail on the Christmas dinner. So let's find out what Kyle put down. Kyle, tell us, what did you put down? Lasagna. Lasagna!

La la la la lasagna! Yes, of course. I was 50-50. Beef or lasagna. I mean, it's what was Yes, of course. I was 50-50, beef or lasagna. I mean it's not what's there, isn't it? It's in the answer. Beef lasagna. Right answer.

Lasagna. I want to check this, because lasagna is fantastic. Does anyone else think lasagna is what everyone's said lasagna? No. Yeah. Do you say no? No. No, the answer's donkey.

It's ridiculous, Kyle. Why, because it's got me in it. Don't you say no it do you say no? Ridiculous guy why cuz it's got me in it There's annual very strong answer did anybody know what these guys well Let's just ask very quickly before we could come to these guys did anybody think donkey No, I thought donkey. I don't believe them Agreed. You're lying to yourselves guys. What about you guys in the audience? What did you think? Oh fantastic you all understand me for Christmas.

Which year? Brexit year of course! Right. No, sorry, I do need to know. Yeah, what year was it? 2019. 2019. Oh. You were at the same dinner, I presume. You didn't just have a, was it like a freak incident?

What? Separate dinners. Undiscussed. With sisters. Two sets of sisters with family. How's that become more confusing? Undiscussed. Yes, with sisters. Two sets of sisters with family. How's that become more confusing? With sisters, two sets of sisters of a family.

Two sets of sisters both decided to eat the sun year for Christmas. Both in the same year. Both like indignity. Are you four two sets of sisters here in a family? You just say sisters. I need to know you guys are cousins. So what the fuck are you talking about?

Famously sisters. What do you mean two sets of sisters in a family? I was one sister with the other. Were you two? Have you all married each other? Are you all married to each other, but you're like two sets of sisters married two different sets of sisters?

We'll never know. I guess we'll never know. We'll never know. We'll never know. There's no way of finding out. There's no way of finding out. We'll never know, keep that mystery. It's a mystery.

So Tom, I would like you to write down... We'll never know. We'll never find out. A mystery. The mystery of Christmas. The mystery of Christmas. We'll never know. We'll never know. Never know. We'll never know. Never know. Oh, it's so hot.

We're not getting out at ten, are we? No way. What time's the boulevard shut? You can't close a boulevard early. Sorry, Bridget, you're up next. Yes. Oh, sorry. Bridget, you're up next. Yes. Oh, sorry. Bridget. Yes.

And I can't wait for this. Bridget, I would like you to write down what you think is the worst thing to say to someone on Christmas Day. What's the worst thing to say to somebody on Christmas Day? Ben, Kyle and Tom. On the... Ben, Kyle and Tom on the count of three, nice clear voices into the microphone, I'd like you to tell us what you think is the worst thing to say to someone on Christmas Day. One, remember it's what most people in the world would say. One or alternatively, if

you want to win some points, what would come out of Bridget's fevered mind? I think it's easier to guess what most people in the world would say. One, two, three. Happily, indeed, I hear. Okay. So we've had, is this donkey? This meat you've served me, it's a little chewy. is this donkey? This meat you've served me it's a little chewy. Is this donkey? Have you served me? Because I know I saw you on the beach running the rides at summertime and I know you've been short of cash since the holiday season finished. Have you served me a donkey Bridget? Okay is this donkey? Kyle what did you say? Oh yeah it's your birthday as well. Oh yeah, it's your birthday. Oh, good.

Good, if you're having Christmas dinner with Jesus. And... LAUGHTER I'm sorry I served you, baby. I'm really sorry. LAUGHTER Clarky, what did you say? Happy New Year. Happy New Year. OK, so that's what we're hoping for.

Is this donkey? Oh yeah, it's your birthday as well. Happy New Year. Bridget, what did you write? I've seen what we're hoping for. Is this donkey? Oh, yeah, it's your birthday as well. Happy New Year, Bridget. What did you write? I see what you've written down. Oh Bridget, it's a spicy one. F*** off c***. Merry Christmas! Oh my God. You're not going to believe this, but there's two sets of sisters and just before they break lasagna, that's what they show to each other.

It's incredible. We'll never know. We'll never know. Are you talking to me or my sister? That's all. They never know who it is. Would you like an alternative? No, that was great.

Okay. Imagine. Imagine that. What have you got? Up yours prick. What was your alternative? What was your alternative gonna be? No. No, no, I think we'll stick with F off C.

Why not? It's got your play blues. Something for the dads, come on. It's good stuff. Tom Parry, this one's for you. I would like you to tell me, Tom, the worst of all of the seasonal holidays. So not just Christmas, all of the seasonal holidays, which one's the worst one? Write it down. Okay. And then Ben, Kyle and Bridget. We're really struggling for other seasonal holidays.

Is Christmas the only seasonal holiday? Nope. Okay. I tell you what, right, yeah. Six weeks holidays? Yeah, holiday season. I don't want to say them all because it's gonna... Can I give him a tip? No, because then that will ruin the game. No, I won't tell him what it is. Go on then, yeah, what are you gonna say, Bridget? That baby at Christmas dies. Wow. Is that your alternative to the last one? That's the worst. What a spoiler alert.

That's just a serving suggestion. Your Christmas on mine three? But only for a day. What? Okay. Okay. So what's the worst of all, all of the different holidays, okay? The different holidays that you might celebrate in one way or another. Okay. So Ben, Kyle, Bridget, on the count of three, give us your answer here. One, two, Bridget, on the count of three, give us your answer here.

One, two, three. Solstice. Yeah. Okay, we had, right, this is... We had solstice, we had, now Kyle, you sound like you just went, made a pitch perfect impersonation of the late Kenneth Williams. But...

I thought I could buy time yeah that's the that's Bridget's trick you didn't say anything there what did you yes but I was thinking it but I wasn't sure if it was let's say what would you want to summer holidays summer holidays okay all right we've got summer holidays we've got Solstice, very, you know, very closely connected and we've got... Has that given you enough time to think? Halloween? Halloween, okay.

So we've got that. Tom Parry, what have you written down as the worst of the holidays? I've gone for New Year's Day. Nothing good ever happens on New Year's Day. Well, it's quite on New Year's Day. You two taught us that. You're hungover, you're most hungover. Yeah. All the things you've kicked down the road are still there. Everything on your to-do list is suddenly sitting down on the sofa with kids. Batman's tired. He's been dangling off Tower Bridge. I climbed the O2 on New Year's

Day once. What? There we go. And did the let's let you see. Yeah. I got to see everyone's kids after that. So now... What are you doing at the O2 on New Year's Day? How could... Genuinely, my friend... How good is your New Year's Eve party that you end up climbing the O2? Imagine you wake up there. Genuinely, my friend booked it for her and her boyfriend like a year in advance and then her boyfriend went to prison. So I went...

LAUGHTER So I went with her and just so it wasn't sad. Wow. And you framed her boyfriend just so you could do that. Expensive tickets! You're a piece of work, man. You're a piece of work. LAUGHTER And then you broke into the O2 and stole all the jewels and you had said it.

Oh, that's a hell of a... And it would... So did you chat about him as you were going over? He would have loved this. He hasn't got a view like this. I've never felt so free. I can see he's linked in prison from here. I met a guy in a pub once.

Oh dear. No, it was like a date. And then he said, could you drop me off after? And I said, yeah, of course. And it was Wandsworth prison. What? What? And I really liked him as well.

And I was like, oh, is this where you live? And he was like, no, I don't know. He was- He had a tag. Yeah, and he was going back in. Is that why you always ask when the evening's ending? He's got that key. Do you want to check us for tags?

It's a very gritty reboot of Cinderella, isn't it? It really is. His tag, he left his tag. It's a very gritty reboot of Cinderella, isn't it? It really is. His tag, he left his tag. I'm going to let you. Do you mind just swallowing this while you're on your date? You went from donkey to mule. Oh, oh.

Bridget, how badly did the date have to be going when the guy goes, oh, just remember I'm in prison. See you later. I'll probably see you again in, you know, five years for good behaviour. It was amazing. So did you ever... It was a good date. Did you ever catch up with him again? Did you go and do visiting? We text a little bit, but I thought... He phones up his arse, doesn't he? He loves receiving them. We text a little bit, but I thought... He phones up his arse, doesn't he?

He loves receiving them. He doesn't read them, but he likes receiving them. Okay. Oh, God. Okay. Curse you, Wise. Do you go what you're in for? I think it, no, because I had an idea and I thought it would be rude to ask him. What do you think he did?

I think it might have been a bit violent. Anyway, it's our Christmas episode guys, just to remind you, it's a very Merry Christmas. Oh, and I paid for everything. Of course you did. He went to the bar and tried to barter with cigarettes, didn't he? Oh my god. I was really annoyed about that. So Ben, we're back to you. Ben, here we go. All right, Ben, I'd like to ask you, if it wasn't called Christmas, what would it be called?

Okay, if it wasn't called Christmas, what would it be called? Cael, Bridget, Tom? Great question, that is actually. Thanks very much. I just realised we didn't have a question, I had to think of it on the fly. If it wasn't called Christmas, what would it be called? Cael, Bridget, Tom? Great question that is actually. Thanks very much. I just realised we didn't have a question, I had to think of it on the fly. If it wasn't called Christmas, what would it be called? Ben, you're writing it down. We're going to have an answer from Tom, from Bridget and from Cael.

Nice and loud and proud into those microphones. One, two, three. Feast day! You've all got to do it loud at the same time, else I feel really stupid. They really have to hang it there. You can't fucking hang me out to dry you two. We had it. We had it. Just because you're on the telly. Okay. So we had we had Chrissy Bobbs here. It's you know it's loud and proud. Chrissy Bobbs is good.

It's hard you know it's that difficult second album of the Black and Jews, isn't it? It is tough. It's that difficult second album. People think it's easy. It's not. Yeah. So we've got Chrissy Bobbs, we've got Feast Day, and we've got... Jesus Day.

Jesus Day. We're bringing the Christ back into Christmas. Jesus Day, okay. Jesus Day. Jesus Day, hashtag the baby dies. Spoiler alert. Jesus day Jesus day hashtag the baby dies Clarky what did you put Xmas? Oh, it's a real shame It's a real shame all your good work with the donkey and the mule ruined Kyle hello, we're up next. How old is Santa?

How old is Santa? We need to know how old is Santa? Great question. OK. Pop down what you think most people in the world would say when they're asked the question, how old is Santa? Ben, Bridget, Tom.

Three, two, one. 824. 524. 2024, 800, and really, really old. 500 years old. 500 years old. Do we have a match? 407. 407, it's very close. I'm gonna give it you, I'm gonna give it you, absolutely right. Bridget, I've got to ask you. What's there? What is the best replacement?

What's there? What is the best replacement? What is the best replacement for coins in a figgy pudding? Okay, write it down. A file. Let's hope it's not the final syllable of his crime as well. Okay. All right, replacement for coins. Oh, now you've had to have it explained to you, it's bad news, isn't it? It's bad news. Caution, is any of this usable?

Do we have to do it again immediately afterwards? A good replacement. A good, yeah, the best replacement for coins in a figgy pudding. You crack into the figgy pudding. What would most people in the world like to find out? Sorry, what are you saying? Okay. Okay.

Replacement for coins in a what? You know, a Christmas pudding. Christmas pudding. That's not what you said. What did you say? Figgy pudding. A figgy pudding. Don't look at me like that.

Figgy pudding is a commonly accepted name for the Christmas pudding. We all want some figgy pudding, and you know, we wish you a Merry Christmas. It's the second verse. No one knows a fucking second verse. Figgy pudding. Figgy pudding. Hang on. Sisters? Ever heard of a figgy pudding? Two of them have, two of them haven't. We'll never know, we'll never know. Can't crack that code. Figgy pudding. Okay. So the replacement for coins in a Christmas pudding, all right?

Replacement of coins in a Christmas pudding. So we're gonna ask Ben, we're gonna ask Cael, we're gonna ask Tom, and I can't stress this enough, all at the same time, loud, into the microphone. One, two, three. Crumb toes. Okay, so you don't say yours. Oh!

Fucking hell. Bridget. The one, The one time. Do you know who should be in prison? You. Oh my god. So Tom, what was yours? Crypto. Crypto's good. Crypto's good. Imagine that. Imagine that. Imagine that. Imagine that. Imagine that. Imagine that. Imagine that.

Imagine that. Imagine that. Imagine that. Imagine that. Imagine that. Imagine that. Imagine that. Imagine that.

Imagine that. Imagine that. Imagine that. Imagine that. Imagine that. Imagine that. Imagine that. Imagine that.

Imagine that. Imagine that. Imagine that. Imagine that. Imagine that. Imagine that. Clarky, what was your answer? Donkey. Donkey, of course it was donkey. And Bridget, what did you shout out? I don't think it makes sense now. Well, it hasn't stopped you before. Nails. Interesting. Are you talking about fingernails or the sort of thing a bloke you're dating brings to a date?

No, like DIY. So you think popping nails in the food. Yeah. You think donkey and popping nails in the food. Was that his name? OK. Nails. We've got nails.

Yeah. Is it worth us asking why you put nails in the pudding? Just because they're useful, I think. Yeah, it's true. You always need nails. Yeah. You can hang up a little wreath on your door after. Yeah, it's very good.

It makes you feel alive. I can't argue with that. And this. Yeah, you can hang up a little wreath on your door. Yeah, it's very good. It makes you feel alive And finally Tom how much should you spend on a Christmas present for a close relative you don't like I've got two of them in You don't like you don't like we're talking immediate family, but you don't like them Okay, which how much are you gonna spend on a Christmas present for the immediate family that you don't like. You don't like, we're talking immediate family, but you don't like them, okay? How much are you gonna spend on a Christmas present for the immediate family that you don't like? Okay, so write your answer down, and Ben, Kyle, and Bridget.

Easy now, okay. Ben, Kyle, and Bridget. One, two, three. Fiver. £20. Okay. Fiver, £3. £20. OK. £5, £3. £20.

Someone's got a second series. £20 for someone you don't like. Love it. Love everything about that. Absolutely. I mean, you can do get, you can, you can. Yeah, good point, actually. You really taught me round there. The thing is, if you don't like them, Yeah, good point actually. You really taught me round there.

The thing is, if you don't like them, you can't cheap on the present. Yeah, because it shows. Because then it shows you don't like them. The correct answer is £20. Is that what you put? £20, there we go! £20. Yeah. £20. Too obvious.

Yeah, you've got to give a good present to people you don't like. You gotta give a good present. So the better the present, the less you like them really. If you're, that's for Paris family, anyone listening? Should we just catch this guy up on what he missed? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's just got it. So they're like sisters, but not.

And yeah, I mean, you're right. So at the end of that, Produter Emma, tell us the scores that you think most people who've been playing close attention to the scores would give. Ben and Kyle have two points. What? Wait, can we just say that? After all of that? Tom and Bridget have seven. Oh, really? We're good at this.

Should we call it a night? Should we call it a night? Bridget's got to meet her boyfriend. We've had a good... visiting hours. So, Tom and Bridget are in the lead, but Ben and Kyle don't yet have to fill in an elf and safety

assessment. Is it my turn now? What? No wait, elf on the shelf! Oh! Hey! Oh! What? No! Merry Christmas!

Elf on the shelf, we told you to wait in the car. I tell you what, it's lucky we cracked a window, you would have died in there. You've been back there for three hours. This show is a mess. I don't want to wait in the car, I want to see the bright lights of London. Now, no, no, listen, Soho isn't London. It's a cesspool of deviants, hard drugs, and pornography. Go and wait backstage.

Clarkeys dressing room? Actually, on second thought, maybe Soho's not that bad. Hey-o! I'll tell you what, he'll tell you what. Here's two quid. You can take that, there you go. There you go. Wow, your entire advertising revenue for 2024.

It's just... We can't all get the sponsored reads. Listen. Just be back. Just be back for the end of the show. That was a free fucking jumper, mate. You want to... And I do appreciate it very much. My accountant's never going to find out about it.

The elf on the shelf, everyone. The elf on the shelf everyone There is still everything to play for So weird see you in a minute It's so weird to hear you two talking get it not going to Kasabian Welcome back to this very festive edition of Flashers Label! Now before the break, Tom and Bridget were in the lead. The scores haven't moved and we still haven't found a location for our elf on the shelf. Did someone ask for me?

I thought you were off out to Soho. Oh, no, no, no. I've come here to plug my podcast. No, we're not. We're not having it. It's called Elf Menu. No, thank you. And we get guests to pick their favorite candy cane,

mince pie, turkey, and eggnog. Not in that order. We haven't got time. Who have you got on this week? Donna and Blitzen. It's a good booking, to be fair. It's a good booking to be fair. It's a good booking. Didn't she used to be on Biker Grove?

We haven't got time, you go and head off on your adventures. Bridget looks really baffled by this whole thing by the way. And we've been having a lovely chat backstage and every time I come on she looks at me like I'm a piece of dirt. Can I say the funniest thing? No like I'm a piece of dirt. Can I say the funniest thing? No, I feel bad. I think he should sit out here with us. Yeah. He's...

He's not even on a chair, he's sat on some weights or something. Yeah, gotta keep the gains going baby. It could be like dictionary corner on Cat's Does Countdown. Could he sit at the piano? No, because there's a plot. That's not how plays work, guys. Oh, yeah, here he comes, Mr. Writer. Oh, there's a plot!

Fuck it, let me sit there, mate. I arrived before the guests tonight. Amazing. Amazing. I was in costume when Cael got here. You were in costume when Kyle got here. You were in costume when I got here? It was amazing. I didn't know you were invited tonight. I was like, oh, Ed's turned up and he's dressed as an elf.

Yeah, that's also true. When I arrived, Clarky and Parry separately went, what are you doing? Well, listen, I felt sorry for poor elff on the Shelf because we were doing our very successful radio show and he said, when's your flat share stamped out? I said, oh, it's on the second. He went, oh, I'm front free that night. And I was like, we've booked it already, but I'm going to have to. I meant, can I have a ticket?

Oh, no. I'll go home if you like. It is time. It's nearly time. Bridget, is he desperate for us to say **** off? I'll go home if you like. Don't you come with me? It is time, it's nearly time. Bridget is desperate for us to say **** off **** to her. We're not going to do it. Anyway, I better go because it's scripted.

Bye! Off on your adventures, Elf on the Shelf, and we'll play round two. It's flat games. Whoa! Games! Let's play together. Games! Let's play together Games!

Let's play forever Roll the dice Spin that thing Put that there Use your toe Games! If you lose you get nothing Games!

If you win you get gold Gold, gold, gold Oh! Listen to that! Woah! Frankincense and myrrh Yes, indeed Frankincense and myrrh Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh! Yes, indeed! Frankincense and Myrrh!

Gold Frankincense and Myrrh! This festive flat games is called Chris Tingle. To the tune of a classic Christmas banger, I'd like our players to sing a sexy song all about a famous Chris. You have to explain... Someone really enjoyed that. I don't mind that. You have to explain why Chris makes you tingle. I love it when they land. Twice a year.

Your teammate has to guess who the famous Chris is. If they do, they get one point, but there are a huge 10 Christmassy points for sexiness. So I really want you to, I really want to believe that you've got it bad for that famous Chris. We're accompanied tonight by Light Entertainment's premier ivory tickler, it's Producer Gwyn. Yeah. Producer Gwyn, everyone. Here he is.

How is that gamble coming, costume, and not you? We're paying you. There we go. Oh, you can't see. He's also wearing a red suit. Here he is. How is that Gamble coming costume and not you? We're paying you! There we go. Oh, you can't see, he's also wearing a mistletoe belt. It's a classic producer, Gwyn.

I got my tingle already. So we're going to start, we're going to start with our very own festive bauble, Ben Clark. Oh, hello. Your sexy, your sexy Chris is hidden inside this cracker. Wow. So pull, pull the cracker with Kyle there and you find out who you are. Oh, you have to do it. Sorry. No, no, no, no.

How did you get it in the cracker? Crossbow? That is an Emma Corsham secret. We never reveal our secrets. I've got no idea. I don't care. So, Ben Clark, please give us a sexy ding-dong merrily on high. But, Kyle, which famous Chris is dinging Clarky's dong? Is there... Go on, Tom. Was there a hat in the cracker? Is there a hat as well?

Here we go. This is exciting. Is there a hat in the cracker? No! No hats! It's a no! Oh yay! There is a hat! Pop the hat on Clarky and sweat through it in 30 seconds. Yeah, let's play. Let's have a sweepstake on how long it'll take to sweat through the hat. Love it, Clarky. Okay. Please give us a sexy ding-dong merrily on high, but Kyle, which famous Chris is dinging Clarky's dong? There's no way I'm gonna know. Producer Gwindong Merrily on high, will you play? Ding dong! He's very, he's got a lovely ding dong. His name is Chris and he is also in a Fatboy Slim video. I have pulled a blank on all the fixies in Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh He is in pulp fiction

Oh Oh Sorry Oh dear Wait I can't believe you're applauding that guys you should be ashamed of yourself Jesus Christ!

What the fuck was that? Firstly, why did you do the first three lines as Bob Dylan? So weird! Why are you bringing it all back home, Clarky? That was unbelievable. And also, the only bit you really focused on was the big long notes. That was perfect. Wonderful.

So, he was in a Fat Muslim video. He was in Pulp Fiction. Kyle, which Chris was... Which famous Chris was... I was going to say singing about, but singing is not a word. It was certainly sexy though, that's the problem. It was incredibly, yeah I can't stand up. I completely forgot about the sexy part.

Oh, we know. Don't you worry about it. What part were you concentrated on? Any part. Oh, I'm sorry. Do you want to hear it again, Kyle? Yeah. I just need that one more time. One more time, please.

One more time. Oh. Okay, do you have any idea who the Chris was? Yeah. Who is it? Christopher Walken. It's Christopher Walken, of course it is. And I'm going to give you, I mean, what can I give you?

I'm going to give you seven out of 10, seven out of 10. As it's Christmas, you've got to be generous, haven't you? So next up is Bridget. Now, Bridget, your song is Hark! The Herald Angels Sing. And your sexy Chris is inside that cracker. You can crack it on your own and crack it with your partner Tom. Okay. There we go. Hey! Okay. So your sexy Chris is inside there.

Lots of elements. So... There are lots of elements. And actually you're right because it defeated Clarky a second ago. So yeah, let's slow it down a little bit. There's a name of a sexy Chris in there. You're going to sing about him as if you find him really sexy. Oh! So that's the bit, that bit of paper there.

That will tell you the name. So yeah, you see that. Say **** off **** off. There you go. No, no, no, no, no. So in a second you're going to sing a song all about that as if you find him sexy. Not his name. Crucially. Tom's guess that bit okay all right okay so your sexy Chris is inside that cracker you've done that bit right but Tom what angelic Chris

is making Bridget's heart sing Hark the Herald Angels Gwynn use those naughty fingers for good and play um one question first from are you lying to be as obvious as you can be? You just played Ben, right? You can be as obvious as you like but don't forget you've got to make it sexy, okay? That's the main thing. You find this person sexy. You find this person sexy and why wouldn't you? Well, if they're not a criminal I guess. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Alright. Oh, can we start again, please? Sorry. The, the, this Chris is on lots of things. And I think you might know him. Okay, stop the song a second. Bridget,, you're one of the few people in the world who's used the microphone to make them quieter. That was a very tender, very tender portrayal actually, thank you Matthew. I for one was very moved.

Yeah, the audience was moved. Part the herald angel whispers. That was very delicate. It was very delicate, but is there any chance... It was like she's cold. It's like the little match girl. Okay, so sorry, sexy. The sexy problem I didn't have...

The sexy... just audible. That's all I care about. We're going to put it out as a podcast bridge. Okay. Turns out I was an eight out of ten. Okay. I love that. We all... no, hey. I just couldn't hear it.

Okay. There! You see? You see? You see? Okay, here we go. This quiz is on dancing at the moment!

Do you know it? Yeah. LAUGHTER APPLAUSE MUSIC LAUGHTER LAUGHTER LAUGHTER MUSIC LAUGHTER MUSIC

LAUGHTER What the... This is unbelievable. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Well, Bridget Christie everyone. Oh my god. I love that Gwyn was like, well I've got to finish the song. Oh fucking hell. When you wind him up he just goes, he just goes. You know what, it's nice G nice going a little bit of professionalism I appreciate that actually yeah ten points to Gwynn ten points to Gwynn so absolutely have a bit

of advocate treat yourself so so so obviously Tom you do know it, because you told us four seconds into the second stab at the song. I can't ask you to do it again, this time audibly and longer. We're just going to have to call that your... That's just your answer. Okay, so Tom, which Chris is it? Chris McCaughlin. It's Chris McCaugh Chris is it? Chris McCaughlin. It's Chris McCaughlin, it is Chris McCaughlin. Oh my God. It's of course on Strictly, on Strictly doing brilliantly on Strictly. That was quick.

Oh it was quick, yeah, yeah, yeah. That was quick. That's what you thought, it was quick. Yeah, but was it sexy? I'm not. Which version? Both in their own way. Yeah, not quite enough or too quick.

Is my version of sexy actually so? I'm going to give you. I'm going to give you. The second one was like, quite Tom Jones. Why you? Yeah. What? As he's dying, what?

RIP to the big man. RIP, big man. Tom Jones. Yeah, I'm going to give you six out of 10 for that. Six out of 10. Whoa! What? Yeah!

Yeah! Listen, if you'd done the full song, if it's full song, Tom, if you'd done the full song, it would have been seven, all right? You never said I had to sing for ages. No, no, that's a very, very good point. Well, we've been penalized for doing it well. It seems. Do you think you, Bridget, hand, we've been penalized for doing it well. It seems.

Do you think you... Bridget, hand on heart, do you think you did it well? No. Show no weakness, Bridget. Show no weakness. Kyle, you're up next. Your famous Chris. Oh, my God.

Your sexy Chris, in fact, is in that cracker. You've got a little town. That was a bit of a damn squib. town that was a bit of a damn squib oh my god oh no it made the okay Kyle's lost a finger but before he bleeds out I'd like you to do a little town of Bethlehem singing about singing a sexy way for a certain length of time that seems appropriate. Now you're stipulating. I've got to. I've got to. It's not our fault he played for such a long time. Okay now but Ben what famous Chris does Kyle wants to go to Little Town on? Oh, Little Town of Bethlehem, an advocate for the world. Oh, little town of Bethlehem, an advocate for the world.

Oh, little town of Bethlehem, an advocate for the world. Oh, little town of Bethlehem, an advocate for the world. Oh, little town of Bethlehem, an advocate for the world. Oh, little town of Bethlehem, an advocate for the world. Oh, little town of Bethlehem, an advocate with eyes. Oh little town of Bethlehem, have you been naughty or nice? And have you been a good boy? Do you get presents this year? I can't remember how the song goes, but I am still here. I actually didn't know I could do that.

How do you feel about the about the octave you picked there? I maintained it. You did. You really did. Crucially, you maintained it. Yeah. It was a very sexy performance. Did you choose the octave or did the octave choose you?

I was trying to go for Barry White. It was very Barry White. It was very sexy, right? It was the walrus of love. It really was the walrus of love. It really was. The walrus of festive love. Clarky, what sexy Chris was Cael singing about? Father Christmas. It was Chris Kringle,

aka Father Christmas. Congratulations. Mmm. Yes. And I've got to give you... I'm going to give you 10 out of 10, because it was sexy. It was really sexy.

Wow. Finally, Tom. There you go. There's your cracker. You have got away in a manger. Your Chris lies within that cracker. There it is. There it is. Now, Bridget, which famous Chris is making Tom get carried away in a manger? Oh, I can't wait to find out. Okay. You got it there, Tom? Going to get the hat. You got it there Tom? Gonna get the hat. That's a lovely bit of business. Home listener, he pretended it was on the hat.

Okay. Yep. Oh, a hat on a hat. There we go. Welcome to the lab. Two hats, two hats, two hats, two hats, two hats, two hats, two hats, two hats, two hats. Okay. Away. Okay. Away, Gwinnemanger. Can we lounge it up a bit? Okay, away.

Away Guidemanger. Can we lounge it up a bit? Yeah, here we go. Watch Tom for the changes. Watch me for the changes. Yeah, okay, okay. Can I get the notes somewhere here? That's the note that Kyle started with that one there.

So away Guidemanger with that one there. Okay. So, away, Gwinn, away, Gwinnamanger, take it away. Okay. Yeah. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I got, yeah, I know, it's Christmas, right? Away in a manger. It's cold outside. Can we start again? I was just enjoying it.

I haven't thought about what I was going to say. That felt good, didn't it? Tom Perry sings. Tom Perry sings. And this very much is the team's technique. Very short song at the start. That's how they do it. Okay, here we go. Now the real. Okay. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, December, all right, all right. All right. Away in a manger, I got something to say. For when it starts snowing It's cold and I play Alright, alright And so when I'm playing

And it's cold I say hello But don't go a-weeing For the snow is yellow I feel like a-singing Cause I sing all my day Cause when it's snowin' outside It's cold and I play. All right, all right.

Whoa. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Very sexy, very festive, very Matthew McConaughey. Really good, really good. But Bridget, which Chris? Which Chris is cold and he plays? Which Chris is he singing?

Oh, thank God. It was good, right? Oh, thank God. It was good, right? Didn't know until Matt said. Yeah. Chris Martin. It's Chris Martin, of course. But how many points am I going to give? I'm going to give you 10 out of 10.

Of course, it is Christmas. It is Christmas. So at the end of that round, producer Emma, give us those scores to the tune of Ding Dong Merrily on high. Can I just say, Bridget just said, did Chris Martin wee in the snow? Have you not seen the video to sky for the stars? He weaved on his trousers. Yeah, that's right. No, no, it's the yellow.

Yeah, I know, but he did... There was the picture, wasn't there? No, that... You're thinking of Bradley Cooper in A Star Is Born. No, Chris did as well. Did Chris piss himself? Yeah. What?

Is this for the room or is this on stage? I actually feel really sorry for him and I don't think it was fair what they did because it was a charity concert and he had a wee obviously but he had a little wee stain on his the end of his penis. Why did he have his penis out at a charity concert? No he must have just gone to the loo and then he came out to do his song. He was wearing white slacks or something. Yeah and it was it was they shouldn't no one should have mentioned it, I don't think, but they did. And you're mentioning it here now. No one in the room remembers this at all. And you're mentioning it again. It was a really famous thing. Really? I wouldn't say it's in the top 10 famous things about Chris Martin, that he once went for a wee. Well, well, no, but there was a wee stain on his penis. Right on the end of his penis. Right on the end of his penis.

Right on the end of his penis. And it was... The worst place. It was a charity gig as well. Oh, that makes it worse. For really serious things. In continents. You can't save the children with that thing, Chris.

It was just trying to stop in continents, wasn't it? You can all look it up after this. We're not going to. Google it. Get it up on the big screen, guys. Come on, let's... We can't stress enough, it was up on the big screen, guys. Come on, let's turn this around. We can't stress enough. It was right on the end of his penis.

Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Lovely rendition of Cox. Cox, lovely, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Sorry to steal your thunder there, Emma, but we, uh, we have some important business to attend to.

Breaking news, breaking news. You can Google it. Give us the scores for the tune of Ding Dong. Speaking of Dongs, do you see Chris Martin's penis? Right on the end it was. Dripping right on the end. It's all I could think. Heartbreak.

Honestly, he should have consciously uncoupled with that drop of urine. I know, I know. heartbreak honestly terrible he should have consciously uncoupled with that drop of urine anyway to the have you said this candle smells like the end of my knob have you seen that kiss very unfortunate very unfortunate still bought it though very of course Okay, do you? Emma, tell us the scores to the tune of Ding Dong Merrily on high. Gwyn has scored 10 points. Ben and Kyle have 21. Tom and Bridget have 25. That is all the scores. Oh, yes! That's right.

From the Bridget Christie School of Singing. Thanks to producer Emma there, and of course, big thanks to piano man, Gwyn, on the keys. He'll be back. He'll be back later in the show, but until then, he's off to bother some middle-class women of a certain age. Well. until then, he's off to bother some middle class women of a certain age. Well...

Old school, he's old school! He's old school. He's old school. Well, it's already beginning to feel a lot like Christmas. All we need now is a fighting family. Chill out sisters, we're going to call the Beef Brothers! If you've got a problem, don't call it a problem. If you've got a problem, call it a beef.

Turkey. If you've got a beef, maybe we can it a problem. If you've got a problem, call it a beef. Turkey. If you've got a beef, maybe we can help you. Beef Brother, sorting out your beef. Or turkey. Yes, it's Beef or Turkey Brothers, where each week we ask our panelists to sort out a festive flat-share based beef. And today's one comes from Matt, who is in the audience.

Matt, hello. Are you there? Hello. Hello, Matt. How are you doing? I'm good. Matt, we look for Matt, everyone. Yeah, come on. He's right here, guys. How are you doing? I'm good. You look for Matt, everyone. Yeah, come on.

He's right here, guys. He's right here. Matt writes, my sister. My sister. Oh, here we go. None of the other sisters. He's with them as well. No.

None of these sisters are my sister. But you're sat with the sisters? Apparently, yeah. Oh, you've come on your own? I've come on my own. You brought with the sisters. Oh, you've come on your own. You brought your own sisters. So you're here on your own, these sisters are nothing, these sisters be struck from the record. You're sat with the Lasagna sisters.

Yeah, come on your own. I'm here on my own, but next to the Lasagna sisters. Who's your favorite Lasagna sister sister? Which one do you like the best? Which one? Pick one. Pick one now. Do you like the Zanon Matt? Yeah, yeah.

Okay. He's no Garfield. So here's my sister says Matt, none of them are here tonight. My sister has banned our parents dog from coming over on Christmas Day. Her husband's mum is allowed to bring hers. Oh!

Whoa! Okay, so Ben and Kael, you are on Matt's side. Fucking right we are. Tom and Bridget, you are on the side of the sister who has banned the dogs. OK, before we before we you'll get a chance to make your cases in a second. But before all of that, let's have a cross examination. Now, it's just you here, Matt. There's no sisters here. There's no dogs here.

There's no sisters here. Yes, the inclusion. Let them be struck from the record. Famously, there are sisters here. We know there are sisters. This is a sisters episode. This is very much. I mean, we'll never know. We'll never crack the code.

Any questions for Matt, we'll chat to the sisters in a second. OK, I have a few questions for the sisters. Of course we all do. I have many too. Bridge, kick us off with a question. What questions do you have for Matt? How's... How's the dog that's

not invited ever bitten anyone? Crucial. No, no, she's a very friendly dog. But my sister has a two year old son who doesn't like any dogs. Wait. But the mother's dog is coming. Yeah. What's the dog's name, please? Hang on. Which dog? Yeah. This got very confusing very quickly.

We've got the name of the two year old son. Yeah. He's called Rupert. Rupert. A bear, famously. Checks out, yeah, yeah. And the... I've never met a two year old Rupert.

Have you not? Well, is there room for another one at Christmas? I know you, I know you've got a band on the dog, but can I spend the time with you? Okay. So we've got, we've got Rupert as the kid. So we've got Rupert, we've got a bag of grain. Your parents. And you live near a river.

Yeah. Is that right? I've got two dogs. Right? And you live near a river? Yeah. Is that right? Your parents' dog is called? Gertrude. Gertie. Great name for a dog. Love that.

Love that. Is Gertrude banned? Gertrude is banned. Gertrude is banned. And the dog that belongs to the husband's mom? Is Audrey. Great name. Rupert, Audrey, and Gertrude.

These are good names to come to me. Wow. Okay. Audrey's coming. Audrey is coming. Gertrude is not. How old is Audrey? I don't know.

You don't know? No. Interesting. What reason was given? That my husband, no, my sister, my sister's husband. And those are your sisters? No, let those sisters drop the record. Sorry, is your husband here tonight?

I do not have a husband. But you just said... Maybe, maybe I might get lucky tonight. It's a nice crowd. All right. An unreliable witness. You're... Okay, so your sister's husband...

What happened to your husband? How old's your husband? Yeah, he's got to go back to Wandsworth. So, er... Certainly. The reason given was... So, my brother-in-law has been arguing with his mother. So to, have you brought a family tree along

that we could just pop up here on the big screen? Would be quite useful. Your brother-in-law is Rupert's dad. Yes. Right. Yeah. I've been listening. I bought his name.

Can we give him a couple of points for that? Cause that was really impressive. Two points for Kyle there. Two points for Kyle. Okay. Rupert's dad. He's been arguing. He's been arguing with his mom, who is the owner of Audrey.

Right. Right. So to make up for that a bit, Audrey has been allowed to Christmas. Okay. Well. Oh, the £20 present. Yeah. OK. OK, so neither dog. The dogs were not coming. The dogs are not coming initially. But then as a peace offering, the husband said,

do you know what you you can bring Audrey. Yes, yeah. So it's not that Gertie has been uninvited. I love Gertie, by the way. We do call her Gertie, yeah. Of course you do. Of course you do. But...

Of course. She'd be rude not to. Does the husband's mum know that Gertie isn't allowed to come? I think so, yeah. But she's still bringing on the truth. This is like the first episode of every true crime podcast I've given up on. I'm just not going to know who any of these people are. I won't know who's murdered too. It's not worth it.

And who owns Gertie? My mum and dad. So she was our family dog. All of this information is here, by the way. The thing he's written. My sister has banned our parents' dog. Do you want to invite Gertie? I'm not that bothered. Oh, but...

But... But about the dog coming... The defence rests! You're on the defence rests. But I will have to go home early to let Gertie out on take her for a walk and miss out on eating food. So you are a bit bothered then? I am a bit bothered. Can you for the sake of the show be bothered?

I am bothered. I have to say to both guests during the break. I can tell you what I would do. Well, you have to go home to let someone in, don't you? If they're wearing a tank. You'll tell them in a second. Don't worry. That's the game. Who do you like better, Audrey or Gertrude?

If one's going out the back. Gertrude. I've never met Audrey. You've never met Audrey? No. Oh, she's a delight. You'll love her. She's my favorite sister.

Can we have a quick, what are the breeds? Do you know the breeds? Gertie is a border collie. Oh, I love border collies. You can't be a border collie on their own. Audrey's a smaller one. I'd say a bully. Oh my God.

Yappy little one. XS. XS. Yes! Ah! Beautiful work. Right. Now, hopefully that is enough information. Any other questions? Any other questions?

I know Clarky, this is beyond your ken, but just do your best, all right? All right. Right, so who? No, the kid. Who are you? I've got a question. Has the elf on the shelf got a question? Right. So who? No, you can't go away. Who are you? I've got a question. Has the elf on the shelf got a question?

He just walked off. I'm here. Gwyn, can I have another pint? I don't know where you are. He's upstairs. Gwyn, Gwyn, can we have three pints please? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Anybody else want a drink from Gwyn?

Can I have one Gwyn? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, Gwyn. Do you want another rum? You know what to do. Yeah, yeah, I'll have one. Another rum for Kyle. I want this away from me.

Can you just crack an egg into a vodka for Bridgid? Right, so you've never met Audrey. No. You have met Gertrude and you're not bothered about Gertrude, but you've never met Audrey. No, no. You have met Gertrude and you're not bothered about Gertrude, but you'd rather not have to go home and take her for a walk. Yeah.

I'd rather stay at Christmas on Christmas day. You know Christmas is everywhere, right? Yeah. Hang on, but sorry, whose dog is Gertrude? She's my parents' dog. His husband's dog. Right. She's my parents' dog. It's his parents' dog. His parents' dog.

I'm going to my parents for the Christmas period. We are going to my sister's for Christmas day during the day and having food there. Oh, I see. So both of your parents have been told that they can't bring their dog. Yeah. But you would be the one that has to go home and walk.

Well, we would have to go home together because I won't be able to drive by the time I need to go. Oh, so three people would have to go home. Yeah. But you would be the one that has to go home and walk. Well we would have to go home together because I won't be able to drive by the time I'm out. Oh so three people would have to go home? Yeah. Fuck that man! Yeah. Strong argument. The defense rests. Strong argument. Yeah. Very strong argument. Any other questions? Clarky, you've got loads of questions but it just just won't help. I'm glazed over now. It won't help. I'm sorry. Can either of the dogs drive? They never can.

They never can. Dog in a sander hat driving a car. You'd love to see it. You'd love to see it. On Christmas Day, a dog should be allowed to drive. You know what I mean? It should be like the Purge, but just for that one crime. Have you ever got out driving on Christmas day?

It's fucking mental. Oh yeah, no rules. No rules. Everyone's drunk. It's like going through this hole, isn't it? Yeah. Generally, what would happen if you and your parents stand up with Gertrude?

God, good question. And Gertrude's dressed as a person. Gertrude's wearing Rupert's clothes. He's still on top of Gertrude's dressed as a person. Gertrude's wearing Rupert's clothes. He's stood on top of Gertrude's shoulders. Gertrude's got a little junkie. And a mustache. I'd love that. I don't know. I don't know.

Well, find you a fucking asshole. YOLO, mate. It's not a rehearsal! Yeah, we'll just do it. We don't need to be froverate. Well... Right, well hopefully that's enough information for our... I feel like we just answered the same question 40 times, but still...

Hopefully that's enough information for our teams to make their cases, so without further ado, I call upon Cael Smith-Bino to begin the case for the prosecution. You have one minute. I believe that on this holiday, this seasonal holiday, which should be enjoyed by all. Objection, Your Honor. No, overall. By some. Man and best friend alike, I feel like everyone should be invited. And Gertrude has a, don't agree?

Yeah, it's a little walk out. Strong disagree, strong disagree. Well, you know what mate, you're uninvited. Um. She just remembered she's gotta let the dog in. Oh my God. My dog! My dog! I think, your honor, who's your honor in this situation? Everyone kind of.

Your honors, turn up with the dog. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Rock up with the dog. Rock up with the dog. Turn up with the dog. Now, Bridget, ever since you said, I know what you should do, you've been very quiet.

So I'm excited about this. Bridget Christie, you have one minute to begin your case starting now. Well, I mean, it's all the husband's fault. You know, him and his big mouth, you know, saying that Audrey could come. Meanwhile, she has a stressful day already, cooking, making sure everything. Audrey's cooking. I'd watch that. His master's chef.

I've got another. I mean, dogs weren't on the table originally. No, donkeys were. Donkeys famously. It's donkeys or a baby, obviously. You heathens. We're not monsters. So, you know, it's like a big dog free for all. So, you know, she's well within her rights to say there were no dogs coming. So what do you think we should do? What's the...

I think the husband needs to talk to his mum and say, I know that we've fallen out and I'm really sorry and I love you, but leave your fucking dog at home. Fantastic, yes. Bridget Christie there. Do you have another point you'd like to make? Oh, just, just, he didn't really have a right to do that without talking to her. Yeah. Yeah. Fair enough. Yeah, absolutely. I'm not sure who he and her are in that sentence, but I agree with you. Audrey and Gertrude. Come on, keep up.

I'm really struggling here. But I mean, I had to defend her. You had to? No, you had to. That was the rules. I would have brought the dog. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think he's going to win, isn't it? I think we can all agree. Yes. So Matt, how do you think it's going so far? I think everyone's on my side.

Yeah, everyone is on your side. Well, let's get through these next two then shall we? So second prosecution Ben Clark your minute begins now. Look I don't know much. The defense Fantastic. Now, Tom. Bonus point to Clarky there for that. We've got to curfew. So, Tom, are you going to be doing this, this festive flat share beef brothers as yourself? No, I'm going to do it in the style of a John Grisham defense lawyer. Oh, yes.

From the deep south. From the deep south, you say? Mr. Fanshawe Stanton. Fanshawe Stanton presiding and providing your minute should you need it begins now. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, it's lovely to see lots of the townsfolk here at this Yuletide time. That's right. Yuletide time. Now, a lot of them damn lawyers there from the big city, they don't celebrate. They call it winter mass. Round here we proud to call it Christ jingle.

Hell. A lot of them damn lawyers there from the big city with their strange words. They don't have a lot of candle. They don't ever light a candle. It ain't woke or some kind of deal. Round here we proud of our candles. Hell, I recognize some of you from the bakery. Tough to bake a loaf on a candle,

but we give it a good damn shot. Now, here in Dem-D there, this guy over here, here talking about Audrey and Gertrude and whatnot. Sorry, where are you from? Yes. Bless you, you're, well, that's the question, isn't it now? Yeah, okay, okay. Welcome back, okay. Okay. Welcome back, man. I'm believing

I'm believing we're still on this round. Yeah. Did you get my order? Sourdough. Yes. Baked by a candle. Hearing this story here about the two dogs, one big, one little, reminds me of something

my mother used to say. Ain't the size of the fight in the dog, it's the size of the dog in the dog. My mother fought dogs for a living, and I used to watch. Greatest fight of the year, Christmas Day. That's when she got those two biggest dogs. She put one on top of the other.

No fighting that day. We used to bring out a football. And those two dogs would just kick that ball back and forth. Well, restored our faith in humanity. Next day of course the biggest dog would kill and eat the smallest dog but there was always that game of dog football to keep us going. Hell I ain't never met an Audrey. Now I still don't believe Gertrude's a name. But I do know this.

It's Christmas. The defense rests, your honor. It's a tricky situation when Fanshawe makes the most sense. Now I can't make the decision myself as I'm worried sick about that elf on the shelf. He promised he'd text me every five minutes so I knew he was safe. No one tells you when you first get an elf on the shelf just how much of it is like slowly watching them become their own person and and then you just have to let them go and make their own mistakes.

They grow up so fast. Anyway if you think Matt and therefore Kyle and Ben are in the right, applaud now. Oh yeah! But if you think Bridget and Fanshawe made the best case, applaud now! We're gonna have to go to VAR I think on this one. Matt, congratulations! It of course goes to Matt and to Kyle and to Ben. Big thanks to Matt. Are you happy with the verdict?

Very very happy. Very very happy. Have a very merry and dog-filled Christmas, Matt. Big round of applause for Matt. Matt's everybody. Now we are mere minutes away from some of the vaguest assonance in podcasting. But before that, I'm going to hole up in this snowdrift with my non-alcoholic eggnog and enjoy the Christmas clag of the festive quickfire round jingle. On the first day of Christmas

My true love gave me a quick fire jingle And this quick fire jingle, well it was really long When the round is so short You have to question if that's true love Yes the round is so short So why's that jingle oh so long? On the second day of Christmas My true love gave me the jingle again

Only this time They played it twice and that was really long I can't think of anything worse Much too, much too long And on the third day they played it thrice But here's the thing, on the fourth day they played it four times And when that had finished there wasn't really much time for anything else That day was a write-off

Oooh, it's truly a shame I didn't get any shopping done And the turkey remained unbasted On the fifth day of Christmas My true love said to me What did they say? Quick fire jingle That was all they said

Ooh, that is strange and that was that then so on that day I got a lot done on the sixth day of Christmas my true love played me the quick fire jingle six times and that took the wind out of my sails in fact I got quite sad and stopped feeling quite Christmasy but that happens to us all on the seventh day my true love gave me the quick fire jingle. Seven times on the hour of every hour for seven hours. Then on the eighth day she rested, for that was the Lord's Day. On the ninth day of Christmas, I left my true love. I said I'm sorry things are just not working out, I didn't want to do this at Christmas ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Christmas well that was quite bleak I was just alone in a bedside thinking wow

what have I done this is surprisingly sad I'm all alone at Christmas and I miss my one true love On the twelfth day of Christmas I got myself a boombox And I went and stood outside my true love's house With the boombox over my head We're rooting for you Thomas And played this jingle I played it twelve times And my true love, well, she looked out of the window And she said, you boy, what day is this? And I said, it's the 12th day of Christmas. What is happening?

And she sent me to the local shop to buy a fat goose. That was the day I realized my true love was Ebeneezer Scrooge. She had been Ebeneezer Scrooge all along. What a way to find out. Ooh, it's a Christmas miracle. What a weird Christmas. May your Christmas be less weird Well now let's get into the quickfire round

Yes, let's do that please The quickfire round Yes! There we have a fantastic jingle. Yes, it's time for the annual Flatslam 12 Days of Christmas! And on the piano tonight, it's our very own Chris Kringle who's ready to mingle. Please welcome Producer Gwyn. Here he comes.

Welcome him back. It's barely made a dent into that abacus. Now as always, all of the answers have, you know it, a vague assonance! Vague assonance with the lyrics to the classic Christmas song. Yo, yo, yo, what the fuck's up? No, no! No!

Oh, no! Oh, no! Whoa! Elf, what has happened to you? Are you drunk? Yeah, who's fucking asking? No, what's this? Oh!

Hang on. What is that smell? what is that smell? What is that smell? Are you on Meow Meow? Maybe. What did I tell you about buying drugs? Buy them off Clarky, it's cheaper. Exactly.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Plus it keeps the money in the company. Exactly. Now sit, you can sit over there for this round. Where? On the lap of the guy who drank the avocado. You can sit with him. This guy?

Yeah, this guy. Yeah, yeah. This guy looks like everyone else on the front row. My people! They've all come in costume. I'll be honest with you, it's the last lap I want to sit on. Do you want to sit down there? You can sit on the front of the stage. Would that be weird? I mean, could it get any weirder than it already is tonight?

Your front row is something else, man. Yeah, I know. I know. You don't get to say who listens to Radio X, okay? You don't get the visual picture of the Radio X listeners. There's a... there's a lot of old parries, there's a lot of old Crosby's as well. I mean, look. You two stand up right now, give a block, look at that. Yes!

Yes! Right, can we get, should we get a photo of old Clarkies versus old Parrys? Old Parrys versus old Clarkies. It's like they've got all the hair that they should have had. It's like the world's wealth distributed out. Unbelievable I pulled a muscle in my leg doing that. I may have to do some stretches after this. Oh, that really got me.

Anyway, back to the 12 days. Now if you think you have the right answer, shout out your first name, Ben and Kyle. Let's hear yours. Ben. Kyle. Bridget and Tom. Bridget. Tom. Can Elf play on their side? Well, do you want to play?

Well, you said it like we need him. Like you're going to annihilate us. We do. I did say to Elf, if you want to play, you can play. And he said, well, I've done this before and I got very competitive. Yeah. Elf will play. Elf will play. All right.

Elf's in the mix. Here we go. Might as well beat you up. Here we go. Now, the first one is, yeah. Do you want to sound the rules? Are you fucking kidding me? So the answer's the same. beat you up here we go now the first one is yeah George we did you understand the rules

are you fucking kidding me sound like the 12 days of Christmas they sound like a partridge in a pear tree okay okay isn't that no because that we know those already wouldn't be much one year you should do that. Yeah, I wish we had. It took ages to fucking write this. Okay, here we go. In a pear tree. Okay, here we go. The bald bloke off Mock the Week is renting his flat as a holiday home.

Elf. Of course. Elf. Of course. Andy Parsons has an Airbnb. Yeah, it's absolutely right, yes! Andy Parsons, Airbnb. Oh, I get it. Now you get it. There we are.

Okay, so Kyle's on board. Bridget. What? Okay. This is too... This is too... This is too... This is too...

This is too... This is too... This is too turtle doves. Here we go, here we go. Mr. Maccony's been to Istanbul and got some bath stoppers. Got some what? Bath stoppers.

Mr. Maccony's been to Istanbul bath stoppers. Got some what? Bath stoppers. Mr. Maccony has been to Istanbul and got some bath stoppers. Bath stoppers? Barn or bath? Bath. He's got some bath... Elf? Elf, I'm...

Stu's Turkey Plugs. Is correct! Yes, Stu's Turkish Plugs! Stu's Turkish Plugs. Andy correct! Yes, Do's Turkish Plugs. Do's Turkish Plugs. And he passes Eby and B. No, I don't get it. Two points. Shhh.

Okay. Two points to Elf, everyone else yet to score. This is why I said I shouldn't do this. Hey, we need it. Elf could win. Elf could win the high school. Thank God you're here. Okay, Three French hens.

Miss Larson owns more than nine writing implements. Miss Larson owns more than nine writing implements. S. Elf, yes. Breeze ten pens. Is correct! Breeze ten pens, implementing itself yes breeze 10 pens is correct breeze 10 pens skews Turkish Flugs and he parses every for calling birds the bridge you okay Do you do this all the time? Whoever you're asking that to, the answer's yes, unfortunately.

Why is he just getting them straight away? Because he's a weird little boy. That's why we get along. He's not content with soaking up all the money from podcasting. Britt, don't complain. This is getting you home quicker. LAUGHTER But you shouldn't be here. LAUGHTER

The one person who wanted me to sit out here has turned on me. LAUGHTER on me. I think the phrase you're looking for is f***ing c***t. Four calling birds. Come on there's 12 of these. Four calling birds. The disinterested Mrs Rooney grabs the wheel to avoid a crash. Go again, go again. The disinterested Mrs Rooney grabs the wheel to avoid a crash. Oh, oh, oh. Clarky? We've got elf.

No. Board calling swarms. Is correct! Board, Colleen, Swirms, Frees, Tenpence, Jews, Turkish, Fries, Andy, Masters, Evy and Beers Okay, this is the big one guys

It's gonna be a race for the prize on this one Okay, okay Mute helps Mike It's gonna be... It's gonna be... It's gonna be... It's gonna be... It's gonna be... It's gonna be... He loves a baked potato and he was in E17.

Ben, Ben. Brian Harley. Broadcoling, swerve, breeze, 10-pen stews, Turkish plait, Annie, Parsons, Epy, and Bean. Oh, you'll definitely get this one, Elf, as well. No one else would know that. This is Six Geeks... Pigeon Detectives.

Six Geeks Allaying. Six Pigeon Detectives, yeah. It, it's Six Keys to Laying. Here we go. All right. The drag queen Miss Mattel is knitting with a hook. All right, the audience is going to get it before anyone does. Say again. Say again. The drag queen Miss Mattel is knitting with a hook. Tricks he's crocheting. Is hook. Trixie's crocheting. Is correct.

Trixie's crocheting. Right for me. Board college was breezed, Ted Pence used Turkish planks, Andy Parsons, Eppy and me. LAUGHTER Just checking in on our guests. And he passes Ebb and Be. Just checking in on our guests. Kyle, you okay?

I'm going to get the next one. Kyle's just written the word help on a bit of paper. He's written the word help. I actually need a wee, so I might just quickly... You go for a wee, you must. Bridget, you're going to get the next one, right? Yeah, I think the problem is I'm overthinking it. Pfft.

That is the problem. Yeah, you're overthinking it. So you're gonna underthink this next one? Yeah. I'm gonna do it straight to you, okay? I'm gonna lock, we're gonna lock eyes. Telepathy, I might even show you the script. No, I don't want to cheat.

No, you don't want that, okay. All right, this is a, okay. This is a tricky one. What's this for? This is for seven swans are swimming. Seven swans are swimming? Seven swans are swimming. So it sounds like that.

Yes, that's right. That's right. You're doing the exact right level of thinking currently. Not over, not under. Perfect level of thinking. Okay, now nice and loud into the mic. There's a clue coming. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. And the answer to that clue will sound like 7 23. It will, it must. It must. Vaguely. Okay, I'll do it nice and slow for you, Bridge, okay? Mr Fraser from the Mummy would like a cocktail containing sweet vermouth, lemon juice, simple syrup, Angostura bitters,

soda water and a clear botanical spirit. Mr. Can we go again? Mr. Wouldn't love to, but okay. Mr. Fraser from the mummy. Yes. Okay, got that bit.

Got him. Would like a cocktail containing sweet vermouth, lemon juice, simple syrup, angostura, bitters, soda water, and a clear botanical spirit. Can we have the ingredients again? Yes. It's sweet vermouth, lemon juice, simple syrup, angostura, bitters, soda water, and a clear botanical spirit. Beautiful stuff. It's like Inception. Okay Bridget you're gonna get this now. Yes. So who's who's Mr. Fraser from The Mummy? Any idea? Bridget come on. He's an actor. Yes, and what's his what's his first name?

Brendan okay Okay, Brendan something something yeah, yeah, yes. Oh, yeah Something something I mean yeah, give me two minutes that I will but no Brendan yeah, what's he done? He's ordered a cocktail, so he... He wants a cocktail. He wants a cocktail. What's the name of the cocktail that sounds a bit like? Brendan wants a cocktail. Sounds a bit like swimming, but not loads.

Yes, it's the name of a cocktail. It's the name of a cocktail, yes it is, Bridget, and you can do this. It was the ingredients again. No. The problem is, is that I don't go out very much. No, that's not the problem. The problem is that you do.

It's a famous cocktail. It's a famous cocktail. And it sounds like swimming. Okay. Oh. Oh. Okay. I don't, is that water? Okay. Oh. Oh. Okay. Okay. Bridget Christie for one point. Surely two. Brendan's gin sling. Where Brendan wants. Brendan wants a gin sling. Yes he does!

I don't want it! I can't accept that. I can't accept it. You can't accept it. You're giving back your points. I'm giving it back. No. Yeah. No, no, no, no.

We don't want it. Don't do that. Don't do that. We're giving it back. We're giving it to charity. Yeah. It's Christmas. Charity me and Clarky, yeah?

Okay, no, I'm gonna get... I'm gonna... Well, I've got to accept it, but you'll get... No, you're not getting the next one. We literally don't have time for you to get the next one. Okay, here we go. So the point goes to Clarky and Kaela, and of course, the elf, who all the points have gone to. And, okay, Eight Maids of Milking. Eight Maids of Milking.

Oh sorry, we didn't sing it. Oh fuck me, I'm so sorry. We've got so far away from the game, I've forgotten how it was played. Yes, of course. So it was of course Brendan wants a ginsling. Brendan wants a ginsling, Drixie's crocheting. Brian Harvey. Seas crocheting, Grandma B Oh God, it's worse, Grease, dead, fed,

Fuse, Turkish blood, and he passes, Ebby and me Eight Mates of Milking There's a lot of angry letters for John The bloke who wrote Paradise Lost There's a lot of angry letters for John the bloke who wrote Paradise Lost. Yes Tom? Hate Mail for Milton. Is correct!

Hate Mail for Milton. Brendan wants her gins, the grits, sees crocheting. I'm hungry. Oh, call his swanky brother. Water, gins, lictrix, C's, brooch, A, R, D Lord Corley's swerves, three, ten, ten, Two, Turkish bugs, and he parsons every and me Nine ladies dancing, Sylvester Stallone's massive soup spoon is great at busting out a tune One more time. Sylvester Stallone's massive soup spoon is great at busting out a tune.

Is this a white people thing? Yeah, I think it might be, Kyle. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The whole podcast actually. Got it now. Can I have it one more time? Yeah, Sylvester Stallone's massive soup spoon is great at busting out a tune. One more time.

Sylvester Stallone's massive soup spoon is great at busting out a tune. One more time. Sylvester Stallone's massive soup spoon is great at busting out a tune. One more time. Sylvester Stallone's massive soup spoon is great at busting out a tune. One more time. Sylvester Stallone's massive soup spoon is great at busting out a tune. One more time. Sylvester Stallone's massive soup spoon is great at busting out a tune. Massive what? Massive soup spoon.

Massive soup spoon? I've got that but it's the busting out a massive tune on the stuff. Yeah Sylvester Stallone's massive soup spoon is great at busting out a tune. What can it do? What is everyone talking about? Like, what's happening? Like everyone's comparing, like, oh, that's what I meant. Simmer, simmer, simmer, simmer, simmer, simmer, simmer.

What do you say, what? What could it possibly be? What? Hello? Slice, lady. Hello? First thing I have to do. That's not in there. Slice, lady.

Matthew, this is the most any of them have ever caused confusion. I know, I love it. I'm just enjoying this. It's the last bit I'm stuck on. You ready? Have you got it? Has anyone got it at all? Has anyone in the audience?

Slice, lady. Slice, lady. Yeah, go on, Clarky, what was your one? Slice, lady. Slice, lady. Slice, lady. Slice, lady. Slice, lady. Slice, lady. yeah yeah go on Clarkie what was your one? Sly's ladle can sing one point to the audience Sly's ladle can sing hait, male for Milton, red and watser, gins, think trick, sees bro shake

and holly Ford, Colleen, Swerps, breezes, ten pence, stews, Turkish bugs, Panny, Parson, Debbie and me. Ten Lord to leaping. Clarky really loves the Secretary of State for health and social care. Clarky really loves the Secretary of State for health and social care. Oh. Health and social care. Anyone at all? No they're cabinets. It's lovely to be sat here and know that Clarkie makes notes during this.

Go on Clarkie, it's one to you. Ben likes West Streeting. Oh, it's very, very close. Loves. It's Lords so I was going for a Ben Adores West Streeting but I think you know what at this stage I'm giving you the point and probably another one as well just to move it along. Dancing, paint, male, firm, Milton, Brendan, Watson, Jinsley, Trin, Seas, Brashe, Brian, and Harvey. Poor Colleen's worst breeze, Kent, Pence, Hughes, Turkish, Blugs, Andy, Parson, Debbie,

and me. Eleven Piper's Piping. Mr. Musk's little dick is a really little dick. Eleven Piper's Piping. Can we have it again please? Yes. Mr Musk's little dick is a really little dick. Elf? Yes? Elon's pipe is tiny?

Elon's pee-pee's tiny, I'm gonna give it to you! Elon's pee-pee's tiny, better doors, we're streeting, Spikes, ladles, cancelling, Hey, hey, hey, mobility, Brenda wants her chit-slick, Tricks, cants, sing, hey, hey, hey, but built it. Random wants, so chit slink, drinks, teas, brochures, Ryan, hardly. Board, calling, swerves, seas, tents, pens, stews, Turkish plugs, Annie, Parson, Debbie, and me.

12 drummers drumming, and the final one, guys. We can do this. Should be so proud. It's not a marathon. It's a sort of a marathon, yeah. The little lion man singer's ass is holding on for dear life. What?

He's holding on for dear life? Yeah, his ass. The little lion man singer's arse is holding on for dear life. The little lion man singer's arse is holding on for dear life. Kael. No idea. Okay. Anybody at all for the little lion man singer's arse is holding on for dear life

What's his first name? You don't need his first name, Clarkie Who? Whose first name? Who? Yeah, go on Bridget. Give it into the microphone, please Mumford's bum is clenching. It's Tom Bell. It's very, it's very, very close but it's unfortunately at this stage not right.

12 drummers drumming. 12 drummers drumming. Mumford's bum is... No one knows this. Is that a good quiz? No. Listen, you've got to have one that's a bit tricky. Holding on to the other one.

Just to make it interesting, weed out the dilettantes. Mumford's bum is... Marcus Mumford's bum. Mumford's bum. Mumford's bum is clump... Clinging. I keep telling you all of it and you keep seeing a different thing Tom Marcus Mumford's bum. I went to school with him. It's really it's really odd how our lives have diverted Similar but different in a way. Yeah Is correct Similar, but different in a way. Marcus Humphord's Bumbling.

Is correct Ian, well done! One point to Ian. And this is the last time guys, okay right? This is the last time, so go for it. Marcus Humphord's Bumbling It's better doors when it's tidy Better doors when it's streeting Sly Slade old cats sing

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey Mayford, Milton, Brendan, Watson Jinson, Payne, Mayfair, Milton, Rendon, Watson, Jitson, Trier, Dixie, Scorsese, Ryan, Hardy. Pord, Collins, Swerves, Greaves, Tenpence, Stu, Turkish, Blunt, Andy, Parsons, Gearson, Gary and me That is the end of the round And the end of the game

Confucius and Gwyn on the keys I loved that Nice little breather for you. Nice little rest. So before we find out the final scores, Bridget and Kyle, is there anyone you'd like to wish a Merry Christmas to? Oh no. No? Okay. How about you? Anyone you'd like to wish a Merry Christmas to? Everybody. Everybody. Oh. Well, we would like to wish you all a very, very Merry Christmas. Thanks

to everyone at home for listening. It's been a wonderful year here at Pappy Towers. You've had a great time. Thank you for coming on this crazy ride with us. Please join the Patreon. Anyway, we'll be back in 2025. That's right, guys. We've been recommissioned. The only people that would recommission us are ourselves. We're happy to do it. We thought long and hard about it, actually. Yeah. We made it to look after tonight. Look at that decision, I think.

But we'll be back in February and March with some live shows, so look out for those once I've booked them. So, producer Emma, let's hear the final scores. So there was one point to charity. One point to charity, of course. The real winner tonight. The audience got two points. Audience got two.

Congratulations audience. Well done guys. The elf on our shelf, six points. Six points? A very strong showing at the last minute there. Very strong. Six points. Six points.

Six points and six points. Six points and six points. Yeah, six points and six points. Okay, so we've got two teams left here. Well, we've got Gwyn as well. He got ten points. Oh, Gwyn as well, of course. Gwyn. Here we go. Right, top two. This is the moment we've all been waiting for. The end. It's close. It's really close. This is the move we've all been waiting for. The end. It's close. It's really close. Gone.

Ben and Kyle, 26. Tom and Bridget, 26. It's exactly the same. That's wrong. Charity ruined it. It's a Christmas miracle, everybody. It's a Christmas miracle. Matthew. Now, guys. The It's a Christmas miracle! Matthew. Now guys.

The point to charity. What's that? If you hadn't given a point to charity you would have won. Anyway. I think we've learnt a valuable lesson about charity. Isn't that the real message of Christmas? Yes. Unbelievable.

Can I have it back? You can't have it back now, that's not how charity works. Bridget, Bridget, Bridget, it's the message of Christmas. Is that amnesty? Yeah, I've been doing some reading, can I have it back? So now, it does mean that both of you are both the winners and the losers, so it means that both of you can reposition our elf on the shelf in any way you like. Any way you like, you can reposition the elf on the shelf. any way you like. Any way you like can reposition the elf on the shelf.

Can we position him to ask us to be a guest on off menu? You're not going to be able to bend me into those sort of positions. It's an impossible position. I've been down in Soho Matthew and you can bend me into any position you like but it's going to cost you some fucking money. Whoa! My little boy. He's all grown up.

I've never been so proud. Big thanks to our guests, Kyle Smith-Brino, Bridget Christie, Elf on the Shelf Ed Gamble, We Have Been Pappies. You've been really, really wonderful. We'll see you next time on the very festive Plattschess Landau! Pappies festive Plattschess Landau feature Matthew Crosby, Ben Clark and Tom Pratt with special guest Bridget Christie, Gael Smith-Mano and Ed Gamble. It was devised by Pappies and Ben Walker.

Technical expertise was by Emma Corsham and by Gwynn Rees-Davies. And it was produced by Emma Corsham and powered by Adva Kaur. Big thanks to Marina and everyone at the Underbelly Boulevard, to all the wonderful folks who came to today's show, and to all of you at home for listening. Pat me, slash, S-Lam, there is a secret news production by Acast on the internet. Merry Christmas to all, and to all.

Cheers everyone, bye! There we go, what a treat. Now Christmas has started, hasn't it? Now it feels like we're in there. It does, doesn't it? It feels like the festive season's started. Where are you going to be for Christmas this started, doesn't it? Now it feels like we're in there. It does, doesn't it? It feels like the festive season started. Where are you going to be for Christmas this year, Tom? You coming to our house?

Home if things go well. That's always... By the way, I think that's everybody's situation. Listen, let's not... Right, it's the 10th of December currently. That's when this is going out. At this time of recording, we're all planning to spend Christmas in our respective houses. But we know, you know, you make plans and God laughs.

So fingers crossed, we're all going to still be in our homes by the time December 24th rolls around. Not kicked out by then. That's the goal. Yes. Not kicked out. That's exactly what I mean. Yeah. Not kicked out. Well, you know, there's, hey, listen, if you'd like to tell us the various reasons why you are

not spending Christmas at home, get in touch. Pappysflatshare.gmail.com. Please don't do that. Well, wherever you're spending Christmas, that's the thing. I think people have to spend Christmas in all different shapes and sizes. And wherever you're spending Christmas. What size are're spending Christmas. What size are you spending Christmas this year? I'm hoping small to medium. Yeah. Whatever circumstances you're having at Christmas, I hope you might have a bit of festive cheer.

Tom, can I ask you a question? I feel like we're in the same boat. Have you got so much stuff to do before Christmas rolls around that the idea of Christmas feels a bit overwhelming? That Advent calendar ticks like a time bomb. It does, doesn't it? Tick follows tock follows tick. Another door, please. Yeah. Listen, but I tell you what, one thing we don't need to do is write a Christmas episode because we've done it, we've recorded it, it's happened, they've enjoyed it. That's

one thing. Tick! One big, one big ticked Christmas task done and enjoyed. Well, Merry Christmas everybody. Merry Christmas, Matthew. Merry Christmas, Tom and Merry Christmas, Ben. Where are you be? Merry Christmas, Corsham, who produced today's episode. It was produced by Corsham team. Corsham team.

Cheers, everyone. Bye! Bye! Bye!