Pappy's Flatshare - Xmas Slamdown w/ Elis James and John Robins (Put Up The Christmas Cards) S09E38

Episode Date: December 17, 2019

Neither “Tom!” nor “Ben!” want to put up the Christmas Cards so Matthew says we’re gonna have to have a Flatshare Slamdown!Elis James and John Robins and Martin White (Christmas) on the pianoFeatures: Sexmas, Santor Standon, and the vaguest assonances and guest messages from James Acaster, Phil Wang, Fern Brady, Lou Sanders, Ben Partridge and many more!John Robins - https://twitter.com/nomadicreveryElis James - https://twitter.com/elisjamesPappy’s - https://twitter.com/pappystweetSupport us on Patreon - https://www.patreon.com/pappysflatsharePappy’s Flatshare Slamdown features Matthew Crosby, Ben Clark and Tom Parry with special guests John Robins and Elis James. Recorded at the The Pleasance Theatre by Emma Corsham and Sammy Brough. It was devised by Pappy’s with Ben Walker.Edited by Emma Corsham Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Do you want to see what the world is really like? Yes. Four things is deliciously funny and spectacularly entertaining. A woman plotting her course to free them at in-luck for. It's non-stop bonkers brilliance. I love that. Four things. It's like theaters December 15th.

Greetings, listener dear! Greetings, you lovely lot. Greetings, legends. It is I, Thomas. It is I, Ben. And it's me, Matthew. Together we are puppies and this is another flat-shear slam down. It is now, yeah.

So... This is a flat-shear slam down recorded. The reason Thomas is so curious as to whether it is a flat-share slam down recorded. The reason Thomas is so curious as to whether it is a flat-share slammer is we're recording this intro before we've recorded the actual episode. Yes. Backstage. In fact, the guests haven't even arrived. It's very much the pre-advocar phase.

Yes. Oh my god, yeah. We're completely alcohol free at this point. We are 45 minutes PA. We are 45 minutes PA. We are sober as of, we left each other at midnight's last night, where we were pretty sloshed. But we're sobered up now. The Christmas string here has begun.

The Christmas season has begun for us. Anyway, welcome to the show. This is a fun episode, I imagine, because the guests are John Robbins and Ellis James. Radio and podcasting royalty. Absolutely, yeah. And comedy royalty. Comedy royalty.

But not actual royalty. No, it's basically not actual. Well, the one of them does love Queen. That's very true. Yeah, they're basically royalty. If they're going to get rid of the royals and replace them with John and Ellis, I think there'd be a lot of people very happy and a lot of people very unhappy. But that's sort of the way their career is going at the moment, isn't it?

On the up and up and up. On the up and up and up. I reckon it's, what, this is a real step down for them. If you'd like to come and see Flatsheast Lamb Down in 2020. Oh yeah, that's great. It'll be fair in 2020, guys. You really should. If you'd like to come and see Flatsheast Lamb Down in 2020, then we have a show at the Moth Club on the cool, cool,

cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool're gonna be cool this year. It might be a cast on code at UK for a slash live I can't remember but basically they'll be on our Twitter. We're gonna be cool this year. Yeah, this is our things

It feels like we've been coming cool now. Does it? I Don't know which mirror you're looking in mate some sort of fun house mirror I'm happy. We're calling them Ticats. We're cool Ticats was just a slip of the tongue. Oh, I can see it, I can't. I'm with the little at symbol. Oh, wow. Ticats. Yeah, it's fucking great, man.

Get your ass to that, to me with your tics. At me with your tics. Cool. Sure, it's very cool. So if you think this is so cool that you'd like to hear more of it, then A, keep listening, and B, join our Patreon because in 2020, and we've already started doing this every Thursday, we're putting a new bonus episode out,

we've been recording some of those, they're really fun. If you like the sort of silliness of house meeting and beef brothers and this, they're kind of even sillier. They're even giddy, then the ones we've done already. So just from the five dollars and above on the Patreon, patreon.com forward slash Pappy's Flatshare,

we'll get you. Double your workload. Double R. Oh, in a good way. That's not your tip. Double R work. Double R load, yeah. Double your fun.

Yes, but now it's time to feel festive. It's time to feel festive. I love the Christmas flat slam. I love the Christmas flat slam. Well, you all think this is gonna be a belt. We all think it's gonna be a belt, eh? You be the judge. Cheers, everyone.

Bye! Bye! Tum, Ben! What is it back now? Yeah, what is it, my jolly little... Man? Alright, jolly little man. I love the new nickname. Err, and I do feel very jolly-tay, becausenie is in the middle of the night. I love the new nickname.

Err, and I do feel very jolly-take, because it is Christmas, but one of you two has got to hang up the Christmas cards. We've got so many of them, like this one from Friend of the Show, Fern Brady. Merry Christmas to Papis, even the mess in Membo. Maybe we'll pop that one in the recycling. But anyway, which one of you is going to hang up the cards, Tom? Well, it's not going to be me because the last time I had an issue with something, I was working on a political campaign for Mr Goodman, the strictly convincing judge.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Topical. Mr Kilmer, the actor from Batman. Okay, just talking from today's pages. And they wanted a poster made in the style of Barack Obama's famous painting poster. Okay, yeah. But they couldn't afford to put it on a truck.

So I had to physically heave it around cities. I was the one left pushing the Lenval hope. Pushing the Lenval hope. Pushing the envelope. There was a real way there where people went, it can't be that, can it? Pushing the envelope. Clark, what about you?? I mean literally gaining a lot of traction. Yeah. Literally anything you say will be fine. Well actually you know the Christmas cards industries actually really detrimental to the environment. Oh yeah. So I've decided I won't be doing them. I mean I have still bought the Christmas cards so I'm just gonna burn them in the back garden. Good, good, cool.

Well, the very moment, one minute settle this, we're going to have to have a... Flash, yes! Oh! Oh! Oh, she's laughing. Oh, she's laughing. Oh, she's laughing.

Show the way, Flash, yes, Flash. Oh, she's laughing. Show the way, Flash, yes, Flash. Oh, she's laughing. Hello, and welcome to Flash, yes, land down. The panel show that says, Christmas on the streets of London. Christmas on the streets of London. Christmas on the streets of Birmingham.

I wander to myself, the lead side streets that you slip down, the printual towns you jog round. Hang in the Christmas, hang in the Christmas, hang in the Christmas card, hang in the Christmas, hang in the Christmas, hang in the Christmas card, hang in the Christmas, hang in the Christmas, hang in the Christmas, hang in the Christmas God, I'm the Christmas God, I'm the Christmas God, I'm the Christmas, I'm the Christmas, I'm the Christmas, I'm the Christmas, I'm the Christmas, I'm the Christmas, I'm the Christmas, I'm the Christmas, I'm the Christmas, I'm the Christmas, I'm the Christmas, I'm the Christmas, I'm the Christmas, I'm the Christmas, I'm the Christmas, I'm the Christmas, I'm the Christmas, I'm the Christmas, I'm the Christmas, I'm the Christmas, I'm the Christmas, I'm the Christmas, I'm the Christmas, I'm the Christmas, I'm the Christmas, I'm the Christmas, I'm the Christmas, I'm the Christmas, I'm the Christmas, I'm the Christmas, I'm the Christmas, I'm the Christmas, I'm the Christmas, I'm the Christmas, I'm the Christmas, I'm the Christmas, I'm the Christmas, I'm the Christmas, I'm the Christmas, I'm the Christmas, I'm the Christmas, I'm the Christmas, I'm the Christmas, I'm the Christmas, I'm the Christmas, I'm the Christmas, I'm the Christmas, I'm the Christmas, I'm the Christmas, I'm the Christmas, I'm the Christmas, I'm the Christmas, I'm the Christmas, I'm the Christmas, I'm the Christmas, I'm the Christmas, I'm the Christmas, I'm the Christmas, I'm the Christmas, I'm the Christmas, I'm the Christmas, I'm the Christmas, I'm the Christmas, I'm the Christmas, I'm the Christmas, I'm the Christmas, I'm the Christmas, I'm the Christmas, I'm the Christmas, I'm the Christmas, I'm the Christmas, I'm the Christmas, I'm the Christmas, I'm the Christmas, I'm the Christmas, I'm the Christmas, I'm the Christmas, I'm the Christmas, I'm the Christmas, I'm the Christmas, I'm the Christmas, I'm the Christmas, I'm the Christmas, I'm the Christmas, I'm the Christmas, hang the Christmas, hang the Christmas, hang the Christmas, hang the Christmas card. Daniel Delaal or Maggie Crossbeam. And while they're under my mistletoe, they'll be kissing my butt

to let's say hello to the tenant's Tom Perry and Ben Clark. So today we are working out who is going to hang the Christmas card. In fact, let's open another one. This time from Friend of the show John Kerns Hello puppies John Kerns here Kwaki that's John Kerns

John See you most weeks down at Amazon for the football John Cerns,ith yw'r Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. He was that. LAUGHTER So, just a little reminder, Clark, you might want to familiarize yourself with your teammates. Name, while you do that, Tom, who have you brought along with you as your little helper? Well, the Jamboree was in danger. No! Yes! We've been criticised for using Merry Christmas in just one language. English, if you haven't guessed.

So I decided to reach out to my most bilingual friend. Oh yeah. It's time to say, the Okhivar, and Barda to miss. Good morning. And indeed, Lasta. Thank you, good morning and good morning. And indeed,

Nostar. Thank you, good morning and good night. The old catchphrase. Thank you, good morning and good night. My good friend, Mr. Ellie Shave! Ellie Shave is here. APPLAUSE Oh. Ellie, thank you for coming on the show and good morning. APPLAUSE

Ellis, thank you for coming on the show and good morning. Are you a Christmas-y kind of person? Do you enjoy Christmas? Absolutely. What kind of stuff do you get up to in the James Households? Well, what I like about it is that somebody else organises it. Who is that? Everyone else. So, it takes love. I've never really had a birthday party, because that falls on myself to organize,

whereas Christmas just gets done around you. This is why you're still yet to get married. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Five years have been engaged, man. LAUGHTER Yeah, as we just swam, you do it all for yourself. Yeah, I should know to source it really, but I can't be asked. LAUGHTER

What do you like, though? What do you like people to organise for? What I like about Christmas is that it's for everyone isn't it? So everybody gets involved because I actually don't like the attention of my birthday. We're all singing wizard. We're all singing sleight. My dad does a thing where you go. Happy birthday dad and he goes, and to you son. No, no, no, It's not how it works. When it rolls around sure. Sure.

But yeah, I mean, my, my Christmas is a primarily, you know, quality street beast. All men. This is it. This is a good, this is a question. All right, do you want to rate the, rate the assortment boxes? What audit do you think they go in? Celebrations, heroes, quality street and roses. I was go, rules is in fact,

rules is quality streets. Oh, no! Rose is first. Rules is first quality streets. Sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss This is of course your traditionalist isn't it? Yeah, I found out the new kids were all over. Then I'd go celebrations miniature heroes. Then I'd actually, as a wild card, my lester in the title race, I'd go chocolate orange. And yeah. That is not an assortment box, mate.

Yeah, yeah, it's pretty amazing. It's not an assortment box, but it's in the assortment box area. Because every living room has a bit where the assortment boxes go, and that's where the chocolate orange will go. And if you've got young children in the house, it's a much maker. Yes, please. Wait, are you going to... Wait, this is interesting to me.

You've got an area that you go to where you keep your assortment box. Yeah, yeah, you pass it around. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You've got to get up at your fucking chair. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's underneath the nest of tables. What? Yeah.

And then the nuts and raisins and stuff go on top of the nest because that's the healthy thing. And it's just the tables your mom's face. Yeah. LAUGHTER Ellis's mom is called Nestor. Yeah, yeah. Just for the rest of the day.

I mean, it speaks volumes about how many gig she goes to that probably 80% of the audience got that. Yeah. I thought I saw everyone did it. So what was everyone else doing? Passing around boxes. Yeah, you have to have a base for them. Yeah.

They can't stay conscious of the movement. No, no. I don't know. I'm orbiting the earth. No, no, I get them, and I hop on my, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Lovely. Lovely. I know you're kidding time. What's his name? No. I bought my very own Elf on the shelf. It's John Robby! John Robby is here! Hello to you. John, thank you and good morning. Good morning. Merry Christmas to you. Bonne de Guessai, Bonne de Guionne. Wow.

That's the ladies and gentlemen. It's a bit. It's 29, too. Come on, guys. How'd you say gender is a construct in it? Well, great to have you on the show. Hey, thanks for having me. So what is Christmas like in the Robin's Household?

Well, as someone who produces a radio show with a man who likes to watch things organized around them, I sort of take a lead role in the Christmas organization, Christmas rules. Oh, great. What are the Christmas rules? Shoes off of the door. That's the house rules surely. No, just Christmas.

You put out the Santa's note. She's off at the roof on no gifts. I have never put up any decorations. That's quite bleak isn't it? Yeah, I asked John this afternoon if he was going to put up a tree and he said what's the point? I will be dead soon. I think I've got some cards up from last year, so I'll use them again. Do you not think it's fun to have a, you know, it's festive to have a Christmas tree, you know, to put your presents under a little focal point?

Well, it's like the nest of tables in Ellis's house. Well, I don't have a nest of tables, because I'm not 80. Sure. Oh, but come on, John, the stuff you've got in your house. I've just got a lot, everyone else has got. I've got a dining room table and a Freddie Mercury shrine. Sure. Exactly.

So you keep the selection boxes. I don't think I have any. So there's no one in my house apart from me and sometimes my fiance. Right, sometimes my fiance. Not my sometime fiance. So my house is like the sort of decompression zone from all the other lovely houses.

John. Yeah. Can you just be released from prison? Sadly, the prison is in his own mind, so he'll never be released. Well, we have met our contestants. We've met our contestants. I have to move the show on because it's getting too sad Let's open it on the Christmas card. This one is from friend of the show Phil Wang Hello, Pappies. It's Phil Wang here wishing you three a Merry Merry Christmas

Pappies the original three wise men Merry Christmas guys Thank you so much for having me on the podcast this year and God Bless. Unless you don't believe in God in which case, God condemn. condemn you and your filthy Godless kin. All the best for 2020. Bye-bye. I don't know about you, but I'm really Christmasy after that. Let's play Round 1!

Yes! Cheers. Cheers. Cheers. Tell me Mrs. Claus. Don't you sometimes wish we could dress poor? It's Christmas time once more, and Rudolph's waiting for me at the door. I'm flying. Over the rooftops they hear Slave L's ringing, such joy, but you need much more than just a toy. Still quite sad. So I'm low, I'm freezing Your brothels got so cold when you're missing

I'm here, but every old time you're not being there I'm right with freedom, I'm turning to something I'll be near I am in the North Pole of life In the North Pole of life In the North Pole of life In the South Pole of life I'm not saying that was a long jingle, but Robbins has sobered up. I'm going to play that on my next Christmas party. This is me. Very good.

So, this round is called a Sing a Song of Seasons. We all love a Christmas song, especially around this time of year. There are hundreds of them at Spaniel in the main ger, please let me peek inside your robe, sent Nick, and of course my favourite, Santa or Shipman. So... Who took grandma brackets? So it seems a little unfair that the other seasons don't seem to get a look in.

Why has Shaken Stevens pulled Christmas tight to his bosom and left since Swithens Day out in the cold? Well, this game attempts to redress the balance. I'm going to give our panelists a popular holiday and I would like them to sing about it to the tune of famous Christmas song. Arlon Ward points out of ten for how well, on this most Christmas day is... LAUGHTER Robbins is looking excited already. How well on this most Christmasy of day is you

conjure up the feeling of a completely different season. And to help us with this round, please welcome on the piano Martin White Christmas. Yes! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Here he is, everybody. Thank you, Martin. So, Ben, we'll start with you. Now, I would like you to tell us all about Easter to the tune of Slades, Merry Christmas, Mr. E.M.

This sounds very hard. Is this podcast being released? To the general public? When you hear, when you hear Ben and Tom do it, you won't feel quite so tense. This is the, are you hanging out your stockings on the wall? Ah, that's the one, yeah. Right? Okay, so we're going start with you, Ben. Yeah.

Off you go. Are you hanging up Jesus to the floor? Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, the other chocolate egg. So, I'm going to have to go to the other side. I'm going to have to go to the other side. I'm going to have to go to the other side. I'm going to have to go to the other side.

I'm going to have to go to the other side. I'm going to have to go to the other side. Oh, another chocolate egg. So here is, Bucking Easter! Everybody's not really having much fun. Now to the future, because it's better than the past Oh Wow

And it's Alex you if you want to make an introduction here. What's going on in your mind? Is no way you improvise that. LAUGHTER No chance. And I, and I was sound like my dad, in front of my God names for you every Friday for the last 25 years. There's no bloody way Paul Newton is that quick. No one on earth is that quick, dear, that they can just go off and one like that about the news. But there's no way, you've, you've, you've been thinking about this since the summer I left it. Do you thought he advised one line, then rode the laughter until the...

Here it is, fucking Easter. That's hardly Paul Merlin. Ellie, it's luckily enough you're up next. APPLAUSE Now... Can we have total silence please? Well, it's funny you say it because I've picked Silent Night for Ellis. I thought I'd give you a nice slow one, Silent Night. And please put us in the mood.

Yeah, you do it. Would you like to hear a starting? OK, now... Silent. Silent. Silent, Alan. Hi, Alan. Hi, hi. Okay, if you want to sing the actual song at my first, just give me a song for the next one.

More than welcome to you. No, you're going to put it in the mood for pancake day. Okay. Okay, Robbing's just folded his arms in contempt Sweet Oh, sweet or savory, oh, will you forget? I shunned, they just count the moments being... I've been by... I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited.

I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm just surprising Lee Chi

There is no way he came up with Alan the spot No one is that quick, no one is that quick No one is that high pitch I've just realised I didn't give Clark any points for his, but I'll give you both your points now. So Clarky, absolutely fantastic, I'm going to give you 9 out of 10 points for that. Now Ellis, you're absolutely. But I'll tell you one thing, the full setter was amazing, but I couldn't make out as

a single worse. I think that was the tactic. It was really impressive, but I mean I'm going to give. It was really impressive. But, I mean, I'm going to give you eight out of ten. For the good, it's frightening to people playing with a form. You might be. Just frightening to blow a dog's arriving. It's all frightened about.

Very emotional. It was very emotional. It was very emotional. Wasn't it? It was very emotional. Now, speaking of emotion, John, you old. You old romantic, tell us about Valentine's Day, please. To the tune of Wizards, I, it's a day of love. Guess some jones and a meal.

It brings the day and the vouchers for a deal. We can't go up. We have to go down from there. Was he heard the song? Yeah, play-martive, yeah When did then you make love? Outside, it's not before. Do the chorus, mate.

Which bit is the chorus? I'm sweating. Oh! I've paint myself into a corner here. Wish she could have sex. Outside of pizza express. But in a shelter such as a tent, so is not to cause distress. I wish we could have sex outside pizza express and get your

Berlin down full sex mess Oh yes Was that the... Was that the... Is that the Prince Undery version? I... Oh, I should have shut in a woking reference. Sorry, I didn't intend to go down such a tautry route, but you know what it's like when the melody lays the road. I can't give you anything that's in a full ten points for that. That was amazing.

Yes. Ten points, forget you fellenduk to sex mess. Oh, from the level that we get you Bellenduk to sex. I'm getting a fucking tattoo of that. Come on. Okay. Also, I actually think Valentine's's about affection as much as sex. Sorry. You know, Ellis had a romance night recently with his partner where they watched an episode

of Chernobyl and went to bat. Because you've got to keep it fresh. You've got to keep it fresh. You've got to keep it fresh. An extra half point to Ellis. So Tom, we're going to end the round with you. Now, I will let you just spook the bejesus out of us by singing about Halloween to the tune of Fairy Tent of New York. Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Oh, yes.

Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Was Hallow Ease babe? I'm dressed as a poet, red. I've drank a liter of rum and forked a skeleton Now I'm trick or treat I've got no shoes on my feet

I'm scared of everything, but mostly loving you. Oh, I've got a bag full of sweets, you're an ultra-court treat. Get off my doorstep, you look like Johnny Depp. I've had a drink of this. Yeah, no, no, missed. Happy Halloween, baby. I've got the pumpkin. The pumpkin looked into the lid. And everyone was having a scary time. And an Halloween wheeled drunk. Some blood tastes white. Taste-why!

Bit... Guys, after the show, can we all get together and drink some blood taste wine? I love a blood taste wine! I love a blood taste wine right now, yes. Harry, that was very, very strong. L.S. It had been annoyed that I said that Clarkie couldn't have improvised his. That was the only one that was more in tune than the original. Well, it would be churn as you have me not to give you the full 11 points there, I think.

I'm going to give you an extra 11. Can we hear, do you remember any of it? Can we hear that line again? I'm scared of everything, but especially loving you. It got fucking deep, man. Man, what? Listen, you can go round to Robinson's now. Why?

All I'm saying is, instead of, like, I don't know what your situation is, I don't know if you're seeing a therapist, but I would say, see Martin White for an hour a week and you'll work out all your problems. Just get in play and you just start singing. It'll all fall away. So, a huge thanks of course to Martin, white Chris is on the piano. Don't go too far Martin, don't go too far. Producer Emma, at the end of that round, could you please tell us the scores? So Tom and Ellis, 19 and a half, Ben and John, 19. Oh, that crucial extra half point.

So Tom and Ellis are in the lead as a special treat for them. Let's open another Christmas card. This one is from Friend of the Show, Los Andres. I'm not going to say happy Christmas because I bet everyone said that. I will say that Christmas and have really mean that. Okay, I was going to play the piano, but I've never learnt. She never learned. And neither do we. Let's play flat games No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! That really warmed our cockles. This is our version of the Christmas pudding game, which we are calling, Chris must put in. What's the Christmas pudding game? You know when you put coins in a Christmas pudding

and whoever gets the coins gets to keep the coin. My step-dance. Whoever saw as the coin goes to hospital. Yeah. My step-dance cleaner once made him a Christmas pudding for Christmas and she put a battery in it One of those big sort of you know ones that you put in like scales Oh, there's big flats

I think her eyesight was going Did she also put a load in the bottom of his stocking as well? It was always there. Hold on. Did she also put a load in the bottom of his stocking as well? I'm in prison. No. So it's called Chris Must Put In. I'm going to ask our teams to play out a festive scene

with each of them playing a different famous person called Chris. At the end of the... Beautiful. Yes. This is pure flat slacks. Because acting out, a slang term for acting out, is put in. Well, we're going to put the Chris into the scene. Oh, yeah, yeah. This must be put into the scene, hence the... Beautiful.

..hexier sexual, no, than I'd imagined. Oh, start. Oh, we're all going to fuck each other at the end as well. And it's in Tom, those are your Chris's. And your scene is from Charles Dickens. No no my apologies, that's the next one. Your scene is from the Nativity. Famous Louisa. Famous Louisa by Charles Dickens.

It's the angel visiting the Shepherd. Now who'd like to be, I mean I'm assuming LSUB Shepherd's. Yeah. Okay. Wow. Wow. Okay. He could be Jesse Grist.

Jesse Grist. I think he didn't Welsh without me knowing. That's Jesus Christ. I thought you were slow in your words. Where Jesus Christ, the Welsh is called Jesse Grist. Jesse Grist. You've got a different word for almost everything. Absolutely. Absolutely, bonkers.

You guys just don't know when to quit, do you? Okay, so you're the shepherd, Tom, you're the angel, and you've got your chrisses right there. Off you go Hey Hey What look at the stars yeah, I'm gonna be honest I can't see it Look I don't know where it is. I'm sorry. I know I should be able to see it But I can't see it. Look at the stars. It's brilliant though. Look how they shine for you.

You're probably just explaining. Not just, and for all the things that you do. Oh, yellow. A lot of people are asking me why I should be able to see, but I've got to be honest, I haven't, I haven't looked around. I know there's something I should have seen but I can't see it. You're probably just experiencing a rush of blood to the head man. I'm bringing you some great news. Great news.

I'm not going to be traveling around the world anymore. So it's going to be staying here man. I want to tell you something Chris yeah come on up. Yes! Jesus is born unto us a stable. Under some clocks. And he's got jaundice, he looks yellow. He looks yellow, yeah You don't have to be a scientist to know He's the Messiah You can tell Tom fell away after the first couple of albums I'm being told the Christmas message by Chris Martin Chris Martin and Chris Camara

So that's That is 5.8 for the, for getting your correct Chrisises and out of 10 for the scene. I'm gonna give it... I'm gonna give it a 6 out of 10. 6 out of 10 for the scene there. 6 out of 10. That hesitation was devastating. Yeah, I know, sorry. I was gonna go 7, but... Didn't. So, next up we have Ben and John. Your scene is from Charles Dickens, we know Charles Dickens from obviously me saying earlier on. It's from Charles Dickens, a Christmas Carol, and

it's Scrooge being visited by Marley's Ghost. Who would you like to be? I think I'll be Marley's ghost. Yeah, yeah, that's fine. Okay, John Scrooge. What? I actually throw a busy throw throw your Christmas party for one. But I have to admit, I'm not 100% sure who the person on my bit of paper is. So I'm just going to have to vibe it.

Sure. I love a vibe. I love a vibe. Off we go. Hey man! This is going to be really uncomfortable! By the way, you don't have to do an impression, you just have to tell them who they are. Oh, okay. Well, what? I know you are. Yeah, I should say that.

Yeah, basically, just through verbal clues, give the person... Sure. ...rather than doing an impression because you're absolutely right. Sorry, I... Crucially that's all right. That's a detail I left out of here, but yes. I was actually doing an impression of Chris Carr. It's a very bad one. What, we don't do an impression.

Well, you can. You can, but it's more about what you're saying. Yeah. Are you Chris Rock? Yeah, okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Is that... It was okay to go in early, though, isn't it? You know what? You say there's all some effort. So now you can play the actual ghost of Jacob Marley. Ooh. And if I take what, do you Bob Marley? No, for this.

No. No. Do you... Do the actual ghost of Jacob Marley and John, you remain as your Chris. Absolutely. Oh, Scrooge. You have been bad. Well, you need to change your ways.

I think that's the kind of thing I said. When you say change my ways, and I'm going to go out on a limb here, has my body been too bootleicious for you, baby? I'm afraid you've gone to the wrong limb. Oh, dear. OK, we may be here for some time. Well, if it wasn't my body that was bootleicious for you, baby, that's certainly the genre in which that I might live

in that realm. Well, I'm not in that level. I think you're not going to score high. Well, hang on and stick with the scene. That's a little bit more. Um, well, that's fucking mess. And why have I been singing and dancing and being involved in pop music too much? Yes! Yes! You're a great one to give me a season of half, why are you there? Yeah, yeah. Have you seen... Have you seen...

So, some more, you were shrunk down into a bottle at some point? Don't know. Who you that one? Don't know who that is. Are you familiar with, was it the time I was in a Werner Herzog film that the first word of which sounds a bit like part of my surname? Was that what I did wrong? That is a really deep cut and I don't think I don't think that's a grizzly man

Any idea who it is I'm gonna go with Christina Aguilar. You're absolutely correct. Yes Because it was spot on Did she not do that was destiny's child's Child. And she's not in that? No, Beyonce Kelly and Michelle. So what's she done? She's basically... A genius bottle. How can I summer up?

She's like a pop-stredd mercury in a way, you know? Amazing range. You're not that, you're fine. Yeah, I'll check her out. It's a really great time to get into the music of Christine Aguilera, she's, I think 2020 might be her year. She did. No, no, no, she got, no, no, she's, I wish I was.

She's not like, she's not like Freddie in that respect. She's just got a very good voice. But she was sort of, she was famous in the the 90s a bit more so that she is now that sort of what we were going with that. So, OK, so. They get any points. Do they get any points? Right question.

Very good point. They get 10 points for getting each other's criss-es. And I think for the scene. Solid 20. No way, mate. Three. seems fair. OK, at the... Ellis and Tom, I'd like to give us a scene

from a Christmas crown again. This is Scrooge being visited by the Ghost of Christmas past. You've got your Chris' there. Who'd like to be who? I might be the ghost of Christmas past. Right, and I'm Scrooge. OK, OK. OK.

Scrooge! Scrooge. Okay, okay. Scrooge! Scrooge! Yes! You need to follow me! We're going on a great journey! Oh, I can't be bothered because I'm too happy having my bum hit with a big whip. Oh! Oh! And Alice, and if you can't do it yourself. Follow me through the mist, we're going on a journey. Oh, why? I hope there'll be something on the other side, but I'm not so sure. Oh, yes. I don't care about the Christmas past.

Just blimming tickle me and then slap me on those sexy pages. Oh, my God. But why do we do SNM in an accessible way? No, because they might sell millions of copies if you wrote it down. No, no, follow me through the mist over the ocean. Oh, why don't you?

Maybe a journey into the past, but maybe a journey just to somewhere new. Oh, but not bother, bother. They invited past with this different state. The past has many different states. Oh, I did not bother by the past. I'm just interested in not having a big climax with the past. I know, you're very sexy Scrooge. But listen.

Oh, am I going to guess yours as well? Yes, yes. Sorry, I was too busy thinking about it. Yes. Come with me on this journey. Into the past or maybe the past, your past, but also a nation's future. Chris like a boozee.

LAUGHTER You're lucky, Chris Coleman, you. How many garlicesses do they get? Because he needs to get it as soon or I'll be sick. OK. OK, do you have any idea who each other are? Um... LAUGHTER Do you have any idea who each other are? Um... LAUGHTER

Um, the woman who wrote 50 Shades of Grey? Oh, you're very, very close. I'm going to give you... Christian Grey! Yes! There we go, yes! The character from 50 Shades of Grey. There you go. I'll give you four of your five points to pay for that. I'll tell you that. LS, any idea, because I know you weren't really paying any attention. I don't know the way you think there's a lot of crocheting grays just can't be bothered to do anything else apart from me whips.

I mean, I can't be bothered to just shove this deal down my ass. So let's be done with it. I haven't read the books. No, no, no, no. I just know it's a very sexy book. It's a very sexy book, but also quite a lazy book, as well famously. So any idea who Tom was being there? No, no, I've got no idea at all.

I'll throw it over to the other team. Past future states. That was the sort of vibe. Yeah, I think of the past, think of states, any idea. I thought it was going to be a good one. You're doing it. Christopher Columbus. Absolutely correct.

Five points, the John Robbins there. APPLAUSE Christopher Columbus. Absolutely correct, five points of John Robbins there. APPLAUSE But because I enjoyed the scene so much, mainly for Alice's portrayal. It was an interesting scene, wasn't it? It was a very interesting scene. I'm going to give you 9 out of 10 for the work for the scene there, fantastic. APPLAUSE Final one here. Tom, so Ben and John, your scene is Joseph asking the innkeeper for a place to stay. You've got your Chris's, who would like to be Joseph, who'd like the innkeeper?

I would like to be the innkeeper, please. Then I would also like to be the in keepers. Okay, so we've got two in keepers. Ask each other if they're having a busy time around the Christmas periods. Let's see it, two in keepers. Hi, how are you? How are you doing? Ah, you know what?

This Christmas period, I'm just done with it. I just want to get onto boxing day, you doing? Ah, you know what? It's Christmas period, I'm just done with it. I just want to get on to boxing day, you know? Yeah, yeah, it's been tricky for me as well because... Space man, King Traveler, you know? Fuck me! For what's an easy then you were here. Mate, I am not listening to you. LAUGHTER Well, that's a shame you're not listening to me, because there's an amazing story. There was this lady.

And she came around, all dolled up to the nine she was in this red dress. And I said, I never seen you looking. I'm also into wine. I do wine YouTube videos, so if you're interested in much wine, and there's a hilarious interview with me in the independent, where I keep touching the interviewer's leg and give her a tip about how to get toothpaste out of a toothpaste tube when you think you can't get any more toothpaste out of a toothpaste tube. You are...

Not a great clue that one. Very specific, not a great clue, no? Are you... Are you... Are you high? Can I buzz in, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, sorry, John is furious, but John, any idea who Clarky was trying to be? Yes, it was Chris Ubank. It was Chris Ubank. So five points to Tom, five points to John. At least we've come out as friends. That's the main place.

And for the scene, at seven points. So, producer Emma, I know it's a bit of a mat, you have to do there. I'll give you a second. Producer Emma. I can lend you some albums. Get into the light and get Spanish train and other songs. Then get the best of, then get live from Dublin.

And then maybe get, um, man on the lot, no, don't get that. But just get those four albums. I've got the scores. I've got the scores. Yeah, yeah, yeah. John, just listen to the road to hell, to bang out. Driving up a Christmas or something, the good one as well. Very festive, very, very good. Very good driving songs.

Can you please tell us the scores at the end of that round? Yeah, so, Ben and John, Hi. 49. F***. Tom and Ellis, 53 and a half. So Ben and John I 49 Tom and Ellis 53 and a half oh Everything to play for our day. Let's have another card. This one is from friend of the show James acaster Oh No, no

No, he is. Let's hear it. Oh, Pappies. I'm Mary Christmas to you all. I can't think of three boys who deserve a Mary Christmas more than the three of you. I bet if Santa does exist and has a naughty and nice list, you're all beyond both. Mary Christmas. From James A. Kuster. That's quite sexy, wasn't it? Well here's the thing, James sent a second card, this is completely true, immediately

after sending the first card, to clarify something about his first card. Let's open that card now. In my previous message, where I said happy Christmas to Pappies, I would like to make it crystal-plated. I was not, I appealed, not, one-kenners. LAUGHTER We think the lady protests too much. Yeah. Do you want to see what the world is really like?

Yes. Four things is deliciously funny and spectacularly entertaining. Do you want to see what the world is really like? Yes. Four things is deliciously funny and spectacularly entertaining. A woman plotting her course to freedom at a lot for... It's non-stop bonkers brilliance. I love that. Four things. It's like theaters, December 15th.

Anyway, speaking of jerky, it's time for Beat Brothers! Whoa! Well, it had a problem! I'll call it a problem! It's here, it's time for Beeth Brothers! Oh! Well, it's got a problem! I'm calling a problem! It's him got a problem! Call it a bee! It isn't got a bee! Maybe we can help you be from the sorting out your bees!

Or Turkey, yes, it's Beeth Brothers Turkey edition where each December we ask our panelists to sort out a flat-share-based beef, in fact a festive beef. So this one comes from a Christian, very apropos for this time of year. Christian is in the audience and he writes, many, many, many years ago, I ate my sister's Christmas selection box. She reminds me of this every year, I was young, foolish, greedy. I regret my actions and have bought her many replacements over the years.

Should she be instructed to let the matter drop? Tom and Ellis, you are on Christian side. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Ben and John, you are on the side of the sister. Oh, you don't have to give us a name. Can we get a name with the sister?

Gabby. Gabby. OK, you're on Gabby's side. But before all of that, does anyone have any questions for Christian? Firstly, I think the key question is, what selection box was it? And where does it come in the order of the four selection boxes that we talked about earlier on? It was stocking shaped and it had the sort of string mesh on it. I don't think this stuff do.

Remember those, yeah, yeah. And you ate the entire thing yourself. No, colluded with my older brother. Right. And does Gabby, so Gabby brings this up every Christmas, he says, remember that year when you and the other guy, yeah, I'm sure you didn't put the other guy. He's called Daniel.

Daniel, you and Daniel got together, you ate my chocolates. Did you leave any at all? You didn't just leave one to go, we haven't eaten them all? We did eat them all. You ate them all. Wow. How old was Garby when it happened? I think she was four. Oh!

Lots of luck guys. I got a hang of weight. How old were you? Seven. A mere child. Oh. That's conjecture. You can say that for your argument, mate.

Also a mere child. How old was this Daniel eight? Fuck me Practically an adult the villain of the piece any questions from this side When was the when was the selection box gifted to Gabby please? Christmas day Christmas day when was it Christmas day in the morning? So, yeah, it's so silly. It's so silly, it's so funny.

So silly. Was it kept on the nest of tables? Excuse me, it's our witness. Yeah, let John ask his question. What point was the selection box consumed? Fuck you, mate. Wait, hey, hey, hey, hey, wait. Sorry, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, He spent so much time doing bird mate. Right. What time of day, approximately, was the selection box consumed?

Time of day, I wouldn't know, but I think it was early January. We waited. It was right. It's so, so, so, clearly, we're talking about a selection box that wasn't really in much demand. A selection box. Again, that's a quick check. A selection box that could easily have gone to waste a selection box

yes that I'm sure a lot of other children would like to eat before it went out to date I think John I think John's making our argument for you're on the wrong side I think for that you're on your own Gab, I think, for that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're what? You're on... APPLAUSE You're on Gabby's side. Yeah, she ate the collection box. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, to go out of date. Yeah. Could we have a moment with our client please? Oh. I don't think Gabby is here at the moment,

but you can have a moment chatting to each other. Oh, yeah, we would Gabby. I've got a house. We would like to make a plea. Absolutely. It's unprecedented. We've never had anybody before. It's been done before, but it's been, I mean,

what's the most sentenced is Gabby looking at? This is not how it works. You've got this whole system bugger, but you can't go what we're looking at in which case if it's bad we'll make a plea. That's not how it works. You've made the judgement. Do you know what? If this is British justice in the 21st century, you're welcome to it. If this is British Justice in the 21st century, you're welcome to it. Have you ever stolen anything before? Was it, it wasn't him that stole it, it was Gabby. No! No!

John, I'm sorry I have to do this, but I'm kick your advocate away. Ladies and gentlemen, because we're advocating... John is thick. And so is advocate. Um, question for the witness. How old is Garby now? Garby is... 47. 47. 47. How are you? Copy that like that to an age. 47. 47. Are you...

Can't we add that to an age? Oh! Well, I think when they're reacting to the fact that this took place in the 70s. You brought us several boxes to apologise. Over the years, yeah. Over the years. And she still won't let it go. Can I ask about the motivation of the day

that the event took place? Daniel led the motivation. It was a three day week. Yeah. Then they didn't have enough light to eat their selection boxes. The bins were piling up in the streets. Britain needed a leader.

And buried beddies. And in this boy, eight-year-old Daniel stood up and said, me and you, dude, what was there any kind of motivation? Yeah, it was just weird that they were still chocolate in the house into early January and we couldn't deal with it. And this four-year-old, she's too young, she's too thick. She doesn't understand what's going on. She needed someone to eat the chocolate for her.

OK, this all feels like conjecture, but you know what? I think this might be an open closed shut beef case. So we'll see what happens. I'm going to start with Ellis. Now Ellis, you have a minute to begin your case for the prosecution. Oh, picture of the scene. It's winter, it's Christmas 1975, Gabby's four years old.

She's upset that a selection box has been in, of course she is, that said, she's now 47, she's a fucking get over it, it's pathetic, absolutely pathetic. She'll be dead soon, that's the thing. She's 47, life is too short. Go out there, do a bungee jump. Grab life by the hand, stop going on about this. Minor transgression from a previous millennium. It's 40 years ago. But God, sick, Mike, Mike, Mike Yaward was on telly when this happened.

Mike, Mike Yawood was on telly when this happened. Mocheman, why is preparing their Christmas special? Britain was different then. Climate change was even called out. He was called... He was constantly jealous. He was called out at the point I'm trying to make global warming, whatever. So in conclusion, Gabby's pathetic.

She's sad and old and I hate it. LAUGHTER A very strong argument. Yeah. Very strong argument. Lovely little climate change subplot there. No one was expecting... No, it was expecting Third Burger show up.

LAUGHTER So... Well, we enjoyed it very much. John, would you like to open the case of the defence of your minutes begins now? Well, this is a very complex issue, because I was a minister for technology in 1974. We were no hot-settlementary. We just got out of the Heath Administration and children were desperate for food and we were trying to put it back on their tables to save them

from the disgrace that became, Mrs. Thatcher obviously came in 1979. So you can understand when you had stories of children eating selection boxes because they were going hungry. You know, this goes back further, you see, a lot of these young people don't remember. This goes back to the trotists, you know, the suffragettes, and Blair took the UN Treaty. He tore it up, because what he did was a war crime. And it was, and what the BBC, won't let me read out, is the number four, the Palestinian. Where were these skills in the last round?

That's, that is your time, John Roberts, everybody. APPLAUSE Christian, my good friend, are you still there? I'm here. How do you think it's going so far? Broadly fine. The reviews are in, guys. The reviews are in.

Broadly fired in 2020, I love it. Five stars, I choose. So, Tom, you're going to conclude the case for the prosecution. Now, are you going to do it as yourself? No, I'm going to do it in the style of a defence lawyer from the North Pole, Mr. Santos Santos. Oh my goodness. Santos standing, presiding and providing

your minute, should you need it, please? Ladies and gentlemen, of the North Pole! Look at you there, a lot of you there, in your hats! That's right, round here we're a small town surrounded by snow! Those them their lawyers, they're from the main continents of the world! They've come up here and they're using their big words and their fancy and precious. Kind of gets me thinking about a story.

Reminds me of a man that lived around here went by the name of Tony Snow. You remember him? Anyway. Tony Snow got lost one night coming home from the snow shop. LAUGHTER Where we buy our snow? Got a bit cold.

Looked over into the field. What's that over there? Rain deer, thought to himself. Perfect, nature's blankets. You know the old, you've all seen the Revenant. When you're home you're walking home from the pub, you get a bit chilly. You pop a reindeer open, don't you? He popped into the field and opened up an old reindeer and popped him on his shoulders. Cut a long story short, it was prancer.

Little did he know he had stumbled into the father Christmas's garden, an opened up prancer. One of the big guys, one of the big guns. Well, totally snow thinks I fucked here. God, I got to get out of here. Never heard from him again. Never heard from him again. But did Santa forgive and forget? No. Until this day Tony Snow remains on the naughty list. And if he returns from the North Pole, he's a dead man. The defence risk. Well, there we go, Frencher. Centre.

Centre, Centre, Centre. what's going on again? Santa, Santa, Santa, of course, there we go, presiding and providing, Ben, you're going to conclude the case for the defence. Your minute begins now. Well guys, listen man, it's simple. Which 70s politician is it? Oh yeah, well listen, we all have demonstrated that we know a lot about the past, but I'm not going to do that, not because I don't know about it, because I don't want to,

but I'm also playing the character right now of a politician from the past, see if you can guess it. That's right, I'm Margaret Thatcher. What a way to win the crowd over. But listen, look, the main thing is, guys, it's the age of things. I was just kidding. I was just kidding. It's just from the word, guys, Margaret. That's your self. Maggie Thatcher, selection box nature. I was just catching friends with him. This is not the word! God is my mentor! I'm not going to touch it. I'm not going to touch it.

Maggie Thatcher, selection box snatcher. LAUGHTER APPLAUSE And just like that, that was better than anything I would have. Thank you very much, Ben. Thank you. Thanks so much to both teams there. Now, I can't adjudicate turkey brothers. Are the ladies not for turning?

Should have said that. Sure. Now, I cannot adjudicate turkey brothers as I'm too busy with all my voluntary work this time of year, which I like to do. I like to do my voluntary work. And I, please, please hold your applause. I don't do it.

I don't do it for the adulation. I do it because I truly believe in the spirit of the Brexit party. So instead, I call upon our live pleasant audience. If you think Ellis and Fanchort and therefore Christian is in the right, I'd like you to applaud now. But if you side with Gabby and Ben and John applaud now, it has to go, congratulations, Christian, it has to go to you, well done!

Folks is almost time for the quickfire round, the final round of the show, but let's first open a card from Friend of the Show, Ben Partridge of the Beef and Dairy Network. and dairy network. And a happy Hanukkah. Happy Kwanza too. Sometimes people call it you time. The Americans call it the holidays for some reason It's a war on Christmas Also, happy winterfall Happy Chinese New Year

Even though that's in January It's sometimes in February And not forgetting the winter solstice Okay, I'll stop now Happy Christmas, everyone at puppies. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE That's great. So, if it really was how long it seems when it's someone else's life... ...it goes on for ages.

Yeah, it's horrible. And that was shorter than most of yours, so... Whoa! If anyone is playing Quickfire round jiggle again This Christmas, don't worry that one doesn't count, but this one does This is the quickfire round The quick fire round It's the round that goes really quickly

But never a Christmas because we do the 12 days of quick fire So let's not waste any time because it lasts for ages Let's just get on with it The quick fire Fucking hell! I'm very proud of you guys. You're right. Okay, so it's time for our 12 days. A quick firemas. So it's time for our 12 days of quick-fimus. Oh!

Perhaps we should explain what just happened. We were thinking we should get on with it. Cause here's the thing, the round gets really long. Every answer has to be based on the 12 days of Christmas. So we didn't want to waste any time. We thought we'd get on with it pronto. Get straight into it. Let's not muck about. But before we start,

Let's just make sure we all know what's going on. The 12 days of Christmas, well, Let me think, what are they? There's a party with me, There's a party with me, There's a party with me, There's a party with me, There's a party with me, There's a party with me, There's a party with me, There's a party with me, There's a hens and lords of leaping, and dancers and swans and goose.

That's where you think about it. It's quite a strange song. Anyway, you don't need to hear this, because you'll hear it all in a minute. So enjoy our festive quick fire round. Here it is, the quick fire. It's quick fire! Wow! Very first, Miss Tom, very Merry Christmas, Ben. Okay folks, it is time for our 12 days of Quick Firmness and by the way, I love it when people get competitive.

As soon as Robin's realised that's what was happening, he started writing down the list of I've got a right posture and a pear tree, but it's fine, I'll tell you. I did that too, but I only got as far as the posh in a pear tree. That's going to be the first one. So please welcome back for our 12 days of Quick Firemas. Martin White, Christmas, everybody. Yes. APPLAUSE

So, here's how it works. All of the artists have a vague assonance with the classic Christmas song. A vague. I look at the family that's getting paid. The trade descriptions are... Someone on Twitter, Twig, who has been said, it wouldn't be Christmas without vague assonance.

But he's right. So they have a vague assonance with the classic Christmas song, the 12 Days of Christmas. If you think you have the right answer, shout out your first name. In fact, shout out Ho Ho Ho, then your first name please. So Tom and Alex, let's hear that first. Ho Ho Ho Tom. Ho Ho Ho Ho, then this. Ho Ho Ho John. Ho Ho Ho Ben. Off we go. We're starting with a partridge in a pear tree. Okay, here we go.

Nigel from the Brexit party sank his teeth into the bassist from the Beatles. Oh, Alice. Yes. Paul McCartney. Okay, you've got half of it. John. Okay, I'll give you a half a point there, John. A fascist in Paul McCartney. Oh, Ben. Ben. A for Raj Bip, Paul McCartney. It is for Raj Bip, Paul McCartney. Let's see it up there. This was two turtle duffs. We, thank you.

We prepared a lot of sandwiches for Dappy to Lisa and Faisal. Ah, ah, ah, ah, a lovely reference. Go ahead and just reference straight out today. Say it again, say it again. We prepared a lot of sandwiches for Dappy to Lisa and Faisal. It's two turtle dubs. It's two turtle dubs. Tom Hurtom. Hurtom.

Food for endums. Correct. Food for endums. And a Raj Bibb. Oh, my God, me. This is three Friend Kents The guys who sang Oh, place your hands

Are hanging out with their pals So it's the guys who sang, Oplion is a mat, Ooooooo, Renewal biggest, Through Ho Ho John. Ho Ho Ho John. Ho Ho John. Reef with friends.

I'll give it you a, Reef and friends, with friends. I'll give it you a brief and friend for him, Dubs, and for Rajmeh for me. For calling birds. It would have actually helped me to have written down my A to M and Y. I said I wouldn't need it, but you do actually need it.

OK, well, say what? For calling birds. You write down now. For calling birds. I actually wrote Don't Reef with Friends, say what? Four calling birds. You can write down now. Four calling birds. I actually wrote Don Reef with Friends but thought that's too shit. Yeah! I thought no way, no way. That's because it's Reef and Friends.

Right, yeah. For your friends. Think of the vague assonance mate. Yes. What are you doing? Which one is this? Which one is this? What's that? Which one is this?

This is all-calling bird. And this, by the way, is... LAUGHTER This is vague, baby. This is... No, that's all I call vague. It gets vague a later on, but this is really... It gets...

It gets Lou vague a little. OK, it gets absolutely... It gets so... Oh, yeah. This is Mabo I can't get it. I can't get it. I can't get it. Okay, it gets absolutely... Oh yeah. This is my number four calling verse. This is what you might say if you fancy Linda Robston's co-star from Birds of a Feather. This is what you might say if you fancy Linda Robstston's co-star from Birds of a Feather. Okay, Alice. Oh, Alice, yeah.

Surely not. Well, Alice, can I just say, I'll just stop you right there before you give the art to her. Surely not. Every time you think surely not, remember it to us and just go, it must be. Is it vague assulence? Is it Ho Ho Ho John? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, you can't say Ho Ho Ho Ellis. He's a dead ho-well, I did, I did, I did, I did.

Fuck off. It's the right answer. It can't be for Pauline Cooke. It can be! APPLAUSE APPLAUSE APPLAUSE Thank you, guys. Thank you. Next here, guys.

Poor Pauline Quirk. We recommend the rent. Food for endops. And for rush people. McCartney. Five gold rings. This is a big one here guys Bro those curtains white for the singer from Elbow

Ho ho Tom ho Tom guy You got the you got the wrong j- I got the wrong j- I'll be full of holy glory and friends food for end ups and for a rich people for carnies Six keys a leg if you're writing it down Mr. Noles from DIY SOS's War Fluffy Jacket is coming apart at the seams

Whoa, whoa, whoa, go again. Ho, ho, ho, John. John. Nick's fleece of fraying. Nick's fleece is fraying. CHEERING APPLAUSE That's why I'm being very, very question. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's go with it. Nick's fleece is fraying. That's why I'm putting you on questions. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it Oh my God! Quick question. Oh, it's always. Tom just said,

don't think about it, just go for it. Do you lose anything if you make a suggestion and it's wrong? Do we lose anything? No, I was going to say it. No, I don't want to say if you get the right answer. You don't win anything. No, absolutely. If you've got any wrong suggestions, we will embrace them and use them next year.

LAUGHTER So this is for seven swans of swimming. OK? Seven swans of swimming. This is a nice one, this one, OK? Mr. Le Bonz, Bates Goods with Jam and Cream, you're not hungry anymore. Mr. Le Bonz, Bates Good goods with jam and cream You're not hungry anymore Mr LeBond spakes goods with jam and cream

I'm not hungry anymore Mr LeBond Sorry What's the last bit? I mean I'm not hungry anymore I'm no longer hungry after eating Mr LeBond spakes goods with jam Oh, oh, oh, ho ho ho John John

It's Simon Skons' a slimming Oh so close but I'm gonna give you half a point for that Simon Skons are filling Yes Simon Skons' a filling Nick's freezes play Guy, Guy is playing, guide your way For Paulingburg, Reef and Friends, who for it does

And a Rajip, Pauling your knee Hey, Tom, hang on To get to Simon, you said Lebon. Miss Lebon, yeah, yeah. I think they didn't put this on Taylor. It hasn't been in the charts for 40 years. They said... He didn't the chance for 40 years. They said...

He just wrote... I just wrote... It's a sport to bike. Who'd you have done? Cowl. You fucking populist. So how is Simon Fowler from Orson Coliseum? Oh, you're back.

Ha! Now it's an oaken. He's already in the third one. LAUGHTER He's on the bill at Reef and Fritz. Simon Armstorch. Simon Armitage? Yeah, let's do something.

I tell you what, one of our guest listing famous Simon's is really going to get us on television. This is eight maids of milking, anyway. Here we go. Eight maids of milking. What's the tomb for it? Is it eight made to milking? Say I'm saying brawler. But you, the truth, hardly the truth. What is it?

It's a bad place. It's a bad place. Eddie Hitler's pals are turning from ice into water. Eddie Hitler's pals are turning from ice into water. Eddie Hitler's powers are turning from ice into water. Any ideas? Ah great, I hope John. Oh John. Great mates are melting. It is because that is a quote from bottom. So so help me God. Yeah, you're...

I'm gonna... Great mates, eight mates. Great mates, these are our great mates. Yes. I'm gonna give you a point for that, but it's because you're so close, but think of who plays any Hitler. Aides mates are melting.

That's incorrect. Aides mates are melting. As you correct AIDS, AIDS mates are melting. Sevens of fulfilling mysteries is praying. I know me. Four polygrapher grief and friends food for endups. And for our triple all the car knee This is... Could I just apologise I got slightly aggressive there?

No, no! Because I knew it was a bottom reference, so in the thinking I put a lot of pressure on myself when I came up with what I believe was a deep cut I really needed it. You got the point! You got the point! But I got it, I was pretty forceful. Yeah, no, you know what? You were such, you were as near as dammit, I gave you the point I feel like. I asked John Wence feel like to new comedy

Any new comedy and he said no because I'd rather watch bottom for the 50th time That's a good point very strong. That's another listen to lost from battles. Yeah Nine ladies dancing here we go The Nine ladies dancing, here we go. The director of Pearl Harbor, bad boys, Armageddon and Transformers is going forwards. Tom Ho Ho Ho. Tom Ho Ho Ho, yes. Michael Bayford fancy. Yes, that's absolutely right, yeah, yeah. Eight-meter melting. I am something I need.

This is free. Guy, guy. Four-poly, word-free. I don't know. I've arranged it. Oh, my god. Four-poly, quirk is the gift the King's on. Oh my goodness, it's a strong one, isn't it?

It's not draw. Speaking of strong, this is 10 Lord's Alieping here. Here we go, 10 Lord's Alieping. The comedian with the tickling stick is tending to his hive. Oh, oh, Alice. Oh, Alice. Can dogs be keeping? Can dogs be keeping? What?

Here we go, go. What up? Can dogs be keeping? I can't wait to ask. Hey, Traitor, Melty. Simon's gone to fill in this place his grave. God, guy, baby Whoa, puppy, every fan-fret food for end up

I'm for a raspberry, pulma, car, me I like it Yeah, let's do. But this is sloppy. If you think this is sloppy, there's not even vague assonance in the next one. But it's a reference I enjoy so much. OK, here we go. We're going for 11 PIPAS PIPING.

What's up, Juan? Oh, yeah. Amazing. I tell you what, guys get ready for a a shocker If I die before I wake at least up there I can skate Tom Don't hold on hold on hold on. Tom, have an easy half-pipe. Oh! If I die before I wake, at least in heaven I can't stand it.

Finally the cut to the other radio. Now I know that I can do jack. We're not the matter on our back. We're the half-time. Strong stuff from Patmys, as always. Heaven is a part of my heaven's own beginning. I feel laser-bouncing nixed, leases break. I'm a man!

For public, a recent friend, for his fore-end-ups, and for our people, the cart-need. For us people can't meet Just looking at Alison's face reminded me of the first time you came on Flash S. Lamb Down, it was a psychotherapy We were all in a song kit, it was a really fun episode But very early on you said, you sort of... Criticised one of our jokes, you said And you said, I've clearly been trying too hard I've clearly been trying too hard.

I was just taking, I was immediately transported back when I saw your expression again. This is 12 drummers drumming guys. No, I'm looking at them, I don't know where to start. Here we go. 12 drummers drumming. The High Street lingerie in sex toi... Stictoid Emporum is enduring poor conditions The high street sex oh ho ho John yes and summer slumming. Oh my god John Robin Okay, guys, this is the final one. Here we go. Let's take it home guys

Let's take it home guys. For pulling quirk, leaf, fat, fret, food, for end ups, and for rods, beer, for my car, It's Christmas! That is the end of the round and indeed the end of the game, but not quite the end of the show. Before we find out the final scores, Ellison John, would you like to plug anything to our listeners at home and the audience here? I've got nothing to do. No. If there is anything, I need some work. Yeah, I do a football podcast.

We're both available for voiceovers. One of us does bilingual voiceovers. I won't say which one that is. You'll find out once the money's been paid. But in fairness, the one that doesn't will give it a bloody good go. Using Google Translate, which I won't charge extra for, I'm going to be apart from that sitting, Ellis is bringing up his kids.

If anyone needs to work as a knight now, we're looking for that, but no, no. I need a window cleaner. Nothing to plug Could you be a night and I as well. I like the company if anything if anyone's anyone like you The night and he's not for the kids. They sleep perfectly It will stay up late watching YouTube just chilling out They couldn't stand on the front step and smoke fang, because if they want, I don't mind.

I tell you what I do need. I need a mid-range SUV, maybe with about 30,000 miles on the clock between 7 and 9,000 pounds. OK. Selling one, get in touch on Twitter with Picks, and if possible, FSH. I quite enjoy performing Thunderbolt, getting up on stage, oh, I'll perform practically anything. As you demonstrate. Yeah, yeah. Thanks for coming on the show. Thank you all for coming along tonight.

If you are fans of the show and you'd like to join our Patreon, every Thursday's going to be a new bonus episode in 2020. So bonus episodes of House Meeting and Beeper's Cold Cuts. And also, there's a new thing for 2020. Every time a new Patreon joins, an angel gets their wings. Yes. That's very true. So that is at patreon.com forward slash pappy's flat share. And also there's a new thing for 2020 every time a new Patreon joins an angel gets their wing. Yes That's very so that is a patreon.com forward slash pappy's flat share on next show is at the moth club on February the 3rd Trendy very trendy moth club hackney tickets are available from a cast.com forward slash live

These are fried chicken just across the road Tom will be there before the show and after the show So if you'd like to leave us a review five Five Stars and iTunes would always hit the spot, but you should ever let's hear the final scores. I've got no idea where this is going to go. Okay. Okay. So Ben and John. Okay. It's never good if you're going first. It'd be a miracle, right? It'd be a Christmas miracle. Okay, Ben and John, yeah. Should we do Tom and Ellis first then? Yeah, that one. LAUGHTER I'll tell you what, before the scores,

Big Round of applause for producer Emmercourt. And of course, everybody, fan, fan. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE What a job. Thanks. Thanks, thanks for that. Thanks. You're welcome, ladies. Thanks.

The editing that Emma has to do. she has to list 12 voices so much. Oh, too much. Too much. Too much. Too much. Ben and John, what do they get? 54 and a half. 54 and a half, okay. It's not enough. I reckon we're going to win. Tollman Ellis.

61. Oh! So Ben and John have to hand the cards, Tobin Ellis get a handover from ever car That's what I guess L.S. James and John Robbins That is much less than a feature party because we've been talking to him very especially Yes, L.S. James and John Robbins it also feature Martin white on the piano It was advised by Patrick Smith, who won the award, and produced by him a caution.

Big thanks to everyone who came down to the recording to ride over at the Pleasant's Papi last week. We're finally in massive thanks to all our guests this year. Stay tuned for more festival shows in the end of the show. Patrick's freshest standout is a secret due to corruption by ACAST and internet. Merry Christmas! Cheers, everyone!

Bye! Merry Christmas, everyone! Happy Christmas! Hello, Papi's boys. Merry Christmas everyone! Happy Christmas! Hello, happy boys! I'm very, very Merry Christmas! Thanks for having me on your podcast! Goodbye! Hey guys, it's Adam here. Do you want to say Merry Christmas? And yes, I for being slow on WhatsApp, but yeah, I'm probably gonna spend it with my family this year. Thanks for the offer though, but hope Yeah, I hope you guys find something to do and so yeah, hope you're gonna see that. Hello. This is Susie Ruffel I would like to wish puppies a very Merry Christmas

They're very funny boys and they're also very nice you heard it here first Christmas. They're very funny boys and they're also very nice. You heard it here first. Baby, can you say happy Christmas to puppies? Will you say happy Christmas? Baby, will you say happy Christmas? No? Baba, say happy Christmas yeah Baba can you say happy Christmas is that funny say happy Christmas hello Josh Willick I'm here I just wanted to say happy Christmas to all through you happy Christmas Matthew Ben

and um happy Christmas puppies have a great new year and I will see you soon. 12 months of content, 11 attempts to write this 10th, the effort I'm putting in, 9, no in German, 8, yes I have thanks. 7 years of papi's number, 6, members of Patti's times two, five stars reviews. Four more seconds of the song, three nice older men. Two episodes I've actually listened to. And a sense of seasonal on-wee. Merry Christmas from Amy Annette. Oh, oh, oh, it's your favorite hoe, Ashling Bee here, wishing you the fans of Pupi's

Vun Club, a wonderful Christmas, and indeed my beautiful boys, Matthew, Tom and Ben, the loveliest of Christmas's. And happy new year. You know what I love? I love poppies, but you know I love more. How when you change that sweet, sweet vowel, you get something that's altogether a little bit more special. Poppies, the best of all the peas.

Have a great, great Christmas guys. Your podcast is my favourite comedy podcast, and it was our favourite one to come on. It was the best. Happy Christmas from everyone here at Nobody Panic Podcast. Subscribe to our podcast as well please. Hello, it's Laura Lecht here. My dearest puppies, Merry Christmas. I hope you have a lovely, lovely time and thank you very much for my gift. I mean, I didn't foresee you posting me a life-size cardboard cutout of each of you naked, but it's what I've got now and I'm so glad to have it. So thank you, thank you very much. On another note, if anybody's looking to buy a life-size cardboard cutout of naked puppies,

let me know. Merry Christmas, bye! Hello, hello, this is Alistair Green wishing puppies Merry Christmas. What'd that do? Hello, puppy pals. It's me, Bronisytidly, your favourite beef brothers guest of all time. I just wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas you filthy, dirty grimy, greasy, murky nasty, foul, dungee grubby, lousy, mucky, suzy, slimy, unwashed animals.

Hello, puppies! It's Ed Gamble here. I just want to wish you all a very merry Christmas and to let you know that you are all the stars on top of my tree. Matthew, Tom and Ben from puppies. This is Steve Dunne. I hope you guys are having a lovely Christmas period. I loved being on your podcast. It was the highlight of my year. That's not true actually. I had a baby. Sorry, I had a baby. It was the second best thing I did this year and I hope you and you're going to like this. This is very clever. I hope you have a bit of beef on Christmas day. Merry Christmas. Happy Christmas to you. Happy Christmas to you. Happy Christmas. Matthew Benantot. Happy Christmas to you. Just keep doing what you're doing guys. A big fan of the

podcast. Thanks for having me on it. It's Annie McGraw, by the way. Season's greetings, Papies. Bye. Hi, Papies! It's Rose Johnson here, wishing you a very merry Christmas and a papy new year! Ho, ho, ho! Bye! Hello, it's Amelia, the Girl from Chicken and Shop Day, wishing puppies a very Merry Christmas. Hey to all the puppies boys and all the puppies listeners. This is Darren Harriet. How share crack-headed apologist? Yeah, just wishing you all a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year and good news. I am moving out, yes. Your podcast was kind of like an intervention almost.

They had a lot of messages and I made a decision to move. So I leave next week. So before the end of the year, I am out. I will have my own fridge, no crazy fights, no crazy crackheads. Now that I think about it, I'm worried. It's gonna be quite a boring living on my own, but you know what?

I can't wait. Anyway, Happy New Year! Merry Christmas and thanks again for having me. Wishing you all the best for 2020. Do you want to see what the world is really like? Yes. Four things is deliciously funny and spectacularly entertaining. A woman planting her course to free to pat in love for. It's non-stop bonkers brilliance. I love that.

Four things. It's like theaters, December 15th. A woman plotting her course to free to act in love for. It's non-stop bonkers brilliance. I love that. Poor things. It's like theaters, December 15th.