Pardon My Take - 49ers GM John Lynch + Mount Rushmore Of Water

Episode Date: August 27, 2018

We're back in studio and ready to catch up on all we missed. Stop the Josh Allen/Bortles slander, Bob Wylie is the star of Hard Knocks and we're trailblazers because we got fired from ESPN before it became cool (2:27 - 10:04). Whose back of the week (10:04 - 17:51). Mt Rushmore of Water (17:51 - 31:07). 49ers GM John Lynch joins the show to talk about the Jimmy G trade, asking Belichick about trading for Brady, his playing career with Warren Sapp, and how he deals with the doubters of his roster construction (31:07 - 50:34). Segments include Respect the Biz Doug Pederson, Sorry not Sorry Trevor Bauer, Hurt or Injured for the UFC fighter with a torn scrotum, Embrace Debate Napkins or Paper Towels, and our newest segment "Monday Reading". This week we read Ohio State's findings on the Urban Meyer scandal.You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/PardonMyTake

Hey, pardon my take listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime members can listen, ad-free on Amazon Music. On today's part of my take, we have GM and future Hall of Famer, John Lynch, GM of the 49ers, very fun interview with him. We also have the final week of Mount Rushmore season, we got a great one, a fun one for everyone out there. Fun. Fun one, and we have Who's Back because it's Monday, and we have a new segment that we're going to roll out every Monday. It's called Little Monday Readings, so we're going to be reading you something. We might actually shift it also to like Wednesday, so I'm thinking about it now.

Well, Mondays in the fall are going to be pretty packed, so it might be Wednesday readings. Here's the thing, we're going to read something, yes, every week. Yeah, that's our promise to you. Before we do that, it is fantasy football season, and Yahoo is the place for all fantasy football. It's free, it's easy, you can join a public league, you can get your friends together and create a league. You can be the commissioner and dish out justice for last place. It's the number one commissioners league, according to the 2018 FSTA. Updated fantasy profiles let you finish, see how you stack up against the competition.

You can do it all from the app, no need for desktop. I've been using Yahoo Fantasy Football for like 15 years now. It is the best place, and you can do it all on your app, like I said. So Yahoo Fantasy is the only app where you can manage all your season long and daily fantasy teams in one place. Sign up now at Yahoo.com slash PMT Fantasy Football, that is Yahoo.com slash PMT Fantasy Football. Get in the league, it's draft season, do it all at Yahoo.com slash PMT Fantasy Football. Okay, let's go. It's part of my tape presented by Bob Stuhl-Sportz.

Welcome to part of my tape presented by Stuhl-Sportz. It's part of my tape presented by Bob Stuhl-Sportz. It's part of my tape presented by Bob Stuhl-Sportz. It's part of my tape presented by Bob Stuhl-Sportz. Okay, presented by Bob Stuhl-Sportz. Welcome to part of my tape presented by CPT. Today is Monday, August 27th. What's up boys?

Sup guys, it's good to be back. Yeah, it's good to be back. We had our Friday special show, Joe Buck Live, Oral History, which I think people very much enjoyed and we are going to try to do more of those next summer. I saw somebody tweeted us a name for it, so we were trying to figure out a good name for those recurring, like, oral histories that we're going to do. Yeah. Documentaries. Ooh, I like that. Documentaries for dudes. Yeah, yeah, I like that. Someone said Farty for Farty, the guys that brought to you. That's pretty good.

I like that too. Yeah, yeah, so hope you enjoyed that. Like I said, we're going to try to do more of those. It takes a lot of planning. That was like months and months in the works, but we are going to try to do more for next summer. But we're back. And I actually had a question to start the show. Are we trailblazers? What, like in the sense that CJ McCollum, we're not going to win any playoff series? Nope, nope, nope. I meant, are we trailblazers? Because we made it cool to get kicked off an ESPN show, because now everyone's doing it. Now everyone wants to do it.

Yeah, Michelle Beedle, gone. Jamel Hill has had an amicable breakup and she's no longer going to be at ESPN as of September 1st. It's a conscious uncoupling. One thing that I saw in the press release about Beedle that nobody really talked about, Jalen Rose is pretty much out too. Oh really? So he's going to stick around a little bit, but they're saying he's going to do the show when it doesn't conflict with his NBA stuff that he does. So you are thinking, you've already said this to me off air. I'm very woke on this. Listen, it's going to happen. There's going to be a Mike and Mike reunion. It's going to happen. Jimmy Pitts is going to go to Mike Gold with his hat in his hand and say, Mike, we screwed up. Wait, which Mike is he talking to?

Big Mike. The one that used to play sports. Not the nerd. Yeah, not the nerd. Okay, I get confused. He's going to go, Golic, I know you used to play in the NFL and I know that you love to eat and we are missing that element on get up. I'm going to double your salary and I'm going to bring Mike Golic Jr. on every day if you move to New York. Yeah. Get your apartment in Little Italy.

What do you say? All the cannolas you can eat. I would love it if actually a part of the term was that Golic and Greenie had to live together. And then it would always be filmed like Big Brother. Oh my God, it would be. Oh, did you imagine? Mike, Mike, you did it. You put your toothbrush on the counter again.

Yeah. Week three, when Mike Golic comes home and takes a huge shit and then Greenie comes in with like an entire suit and he's just spraying for breeze everywhere. Oh, not again. Golic, why'd you do that? He walks in. He made the doodoo out of your tukis. Golic's sleeping with his wife. Come on, Mike.

That's my wife. I thought we said we'd share. Not that. Sorry, Greenie. She likes football players. But yeah. I know. I think it's going to happen.

Yeah. So because Jimmy Pitts is reversing every single thing. Yes. Which means that are we going to get a show? I think so. We were the trailblazers. We were the first to do the uncoupling and it seems like it's now the hot in the streets. Like everyone's just, you know, uncoupling with ESPN and their shows.

So credit to us yet again. Tell you what, I will sign another contract with ESPN if it's to work on the reboot of Mike and Mike. Mmm. There we go. That's it. Our offers are out there. So probably not though. The balls in your court, Jimmy Pitts.

What else do we miss? So we missed. We missed Bob Wiley's. Basically, he is the breakout star of the world. The offensive line coach on the Browns. We called that, by the way. Yes. Not to brag.

His stomach, the hut would have been perfect for a gift shirt if science could get their shit together. So the hut saying that we didn't, we won two world wars without stretching. Yeah. We won them on jumping jacks and push-ups. Yeah. Driving them a Maserati. And also inventing the atomic bomb.

Yes. That too. Without stretching. Pretty big part of it. The nerds don't stretch before they sit down in the lab and unleash the power of the atom. Exactly. So Bob Wiley was the breakout star. Our guys, Josh Allen and Blake Bortles are under a little bit of scrutiny.

But it's pre-season. It's pre-season for the quarterbacks too. Yeah. Shut up. We're not going to talk about it. No. We're not going to talk about it. It looks great.

Don't worry about it. Don't look into that anymore. Yeah. Just for a second. Yeah. Like I want to see more of Bob Wiley. I feel like we're just scratching the surface on him. Even though we got like a healthy dose of him.

I want to see him doing his magic tricks. Like what's the use of having his football like that who flies planes and does magic. Yes. If you're not going to show me his magic tricks. Rick Wiley. He looks like the, he looks like a Ryan brother, doesn't he? Yes. He looks like a Ryan brother that got too into acid in high school.

Yes. And Rick Wiley definitely watched that. He's like that. That he, Bob Wiley is like 17 little segments I could do. That is all his fun little things. That's his muse. Yeah. Just just hey, Monday night football.

Let's talk to Bob Wiley first and have him do three card Monty while I look on and mazed. Oh my God. I really hope that we go back to more Bob Wiley because he is a star. Also, you know who else is a star of this preseason? Who? Just punters in general. Punters.

This is the preseason of the punt. Okay. What's his name? Dixon from Seattle. Yeah. He's got everything inside the three yard line and all the players are like getting jacked up. Could be the year of the punter because Hawaii football is back.

Real football. Hawaii had two punters on the play. They're doing a little switcheroo. Yeah. They put two punters on the field. See where it's going. You don't know where it's going. Yeah.

Yeah. I actually didn't watch. So I don't know why they had two punters. I just saw they had two punters. I turned it off at half time when I was sure they were going to cover. Yeah. And New Mexico State. Fuck you.

Yeah. Exactly. That was a really bad game. Yeah. But I'm just going to say that my coach and Blake Bortles if he's going to have a good year but if he doesn't, it's because Marquis Lee got injured because preseason's stupid which brings me to my next point. Shout out my coach Matt Nagy for basically saying that and in benching all the starters

for the week three preseason game. This is the first moment that we're going to get like this is now how it chips away that we're going to maybe go no preseason 19 20 games. Regular season. doing that too. McFay benched all his good players. So, I mean, I would be, you know, take away a couple pre-season,

give us a couple more regular season. I'd be okay with that. Why not? More football that way. I would be totally fine with that. I have a question for you. Yeah. Is Buffalo a bad sports town?

So... We do love Buffalo. Yes. Listen, I know we have a lot of listeners out there and we went out there for a regular season game last year. We love Buffalo. But you guys cheered for Andy Dalton. I actually think that makes him a great sports town.

Yeah. Because that, like... For the kids. But also Andy Dalton got them in the playoffs and they're just still riding that high. So it's like the best sports town. They don't forget people who help them out in Buffalo. If you're a friend of Buffalo once,

you're a friend of Buffalo for life. It was funny watching Andy Dalton, like, receive that ovation because he wasn't really sure whether to smile or to be offended by it. Well, because fans were cheering for him. He was like, what is going on? This is very... People are happy with me?

Yeah, this hasn't happened since TCU. That's interesting. This is very weird and uncommon. All right, so I think we're caught up. You cheered OJ too in Buffalo. True. Just FYI. Good point, good point.

Thank you. Still not suspended by the NFL. Yeah, that also is a good point. OJ still has not been suspended right now. Where do you think OJ is right now? He's in Vegas or Florida. He's just traveling across the country looking for a golf course that will let him play.

And the killer. Yeah, and the real killer. The real killer. The real killer is on the 17th hole at Sawgrass. OJ has somehow managed to not look into a mirror for 30 straight years. It's credit to him. All right, so let's do our who's back.

Who wants to start? PFC, why don't you get us going with who's back? I'll get it going. My first who's back of the week is Texas. So Texas football is back. 24-7 sports, they said, I think they're ranked, what, are they ranked 23, 24 or something like that? And 24-7 sports said that they're going to be

this year's Georgia, so that would qualify them as being that. So they're going to have a kicker with weird glasses. They said, yeah, Tom Herman. Tom, who's man's, her man's is this? That's my new nickname. I just came up with it on the fly right now. They said that he is doing what Kirby Smart did

for Georgia, but he's doing it right now. I am firmly in the camp of I will not listen to any Texas who's back until they actually play in a meaningful bowl game. Because we've heard it many, many times. Then it sounds like you're- I like discussing it. I guess I'm going back on it because I do like discussing it,

but I will never believe it until they actually prove that they're back. I feel like Texas, every year, they're back. And they're going to go seven and five. Right now you're in the Tiger Woods 2012 part of your mind, where it's like, don't talk to me when he's back. Don't talk to me when you're on my block. Be Oklahoma.

Call me when you're on my house. Shut up Mercury Morris. How many years in a row have we been like, well, Texas, they played Oklahoma tough that year? Yeah, they did. Actually, that was one of the main points is between Oklahoma State, Oklahoma, and USC, they only lost by a total of 11 points

in those three games. Wow, wow. Those basically aren't losses. Three statement losses. They led the league in statement losses last year. But it sounds like you're more in the USA Today camp that said that Texas isn't back yet. But they're going to be back later on this year.

Well, they actually are back because all they had to do to be back is for everyone to talk about, are they back? Well, it's happening. My other who's back of the week is Reddit NFL Streams. So for pre-season games, finding these hot streams. And then more to the point, the live chat that goes on the side. It's all people asking where to find other live streams

for other games. Yes. And porn. And porn. Well, it's the internet. So just type in. Yeah, but it seems like if you're commenting on a pre-season football game on a live stream,

you probably can't find porn on your own. That's probably true. There should be a dating site just for people that stream, actually just use the live chat as a, I wonder if two people have ever fell in love in a Reddit NFL like pre-season live chat. Has there ever been a woman in one of those? That's a good question.

There's probably been a lot of pre-team boys pretending that they're women. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. There's been a lot of lesbian connections with two guys that are 12 years old. Yes, absolutely. So hot, talking to this chick.

And it's just another 12, 12 years old. And you send each other the same pic. Oh wow, you have that one too. Oh wow, you look a lot like Nicky Benz. Hank, you got yours. Did you? Yeah, you got yours? All right, so go ahead.

My is back of the week. I got a few Pac-Man Joneses back. Is he? Adam Jones. Adam Jones. We're doing what? He's talking with the Broncos. Nice.

So he's back. I feel like he, he's one of those guys where I assumed it was gonna be out of the league a long time ago. So the fact that he keeps getting signed over and over again is. Credit to Jerry Jones for really turning his career around. That was the year that they had Adam Jones

and Tank Johnson. And Jerry Jones was like, I'm gonna put 24 seven security on these two guys that go wherever they go. And then he got signed back to the Bengals and got arrested. Yes. Friday Night Lights is back.

I don't know if you guys have seen it, but the Pacifico has a commercial where they just play the music of Friday Night Lights in it, which then just triggers me like, I'm not watching Friday Night Lights again. Is that that slow song that they used in the, in the 30 for 30 about the Bears when Mike Singletary started to cry?

I think like it's like slow and it builds up slowly. Yes. Yeah, yeah, that's a great football song. Yeah. It just, it's one of the triggers you like. Yes. Friday Night Lights and then now I'm watching it over and over.

Mike Singletary holding back tears as he says goodbye to Buddy Ryan probably for the last time. He's like, but I can't fully cry. It's great. They should do another season of Friday Night Lights, but this time it's Buzz Bissinger who wrote the book Friday Night Lights and just like update us on his leather shopping.

Yeah. How much money have you wasted on, you know, all these websites buying leather pants? Then Lil Wayne's back. Again, he was back a few weeks ago, but he's kind of like football being back where Birdman, they did a concert and Birdman apologized to him

because he was the one that's been holding out his music for so long. That's his uncle, right? A contract dispute. It's his dad. Oh, wait, for real? Illegally, he's not his biological father, but he's his fake father and he brought him up in the game.

They had a beef. He owed Lil Wayne like $10 million. That's, come on. He finally apologized, which is another sign that Lil Wayne's new music is coming up soon. That's worth $10 million in apology right there. Yeah, Lil Wayne's back. Credit to him for apologizing to somebody.

That's very big of him. Very big of him. Okay, I got two who's back. The first one we all agree on, we talked about it before the show, Silicon Valley and the people in tech fucking with us. And that is a shout out to Gmail who decided to completely overhaul what it looks like

and now everyone hates it. I assume everyone hates it. Yeah, everyone hates it. If it's anything new, people are gonna hate it. Twitter doesn't update, Instagram doesn't update. They fuck everything up. We're used to what we like. Why the hell do they do this?

Why do they do this? Every time a website doesn't update, they should just give you the option. Do you wanna just be stuck in the past? Right. Yes, I absolutely do. Forever. I'm done learning new things.

I'm done adapting to things. I've done as much learning as I'm going to do in my life. Actually shout out to our sponsor, Yahoo Fantasy Football, because I remember the year when they did it and everyone flipped out and they're like, you know what, we'll give a classic boat. Yeah, hand up. It's like when you play a new video game,

when you play a baseball video game, you're like, do you want, or hockey, like do you want the new controls where you can do a bunch of deeks and cool pitches? Nope, give me the, just the only buttons I need are X and O and up and down. You're trying to foist a passing cone, a vision cone on me?

Absolutely not. Give me the last good innovation that tech had was the truck stick. Yes, that was good, that was big. But then, yeah, I mean, a lot of miss tackles that year. Because no one was, everyone was just trying to just truck. Yeah, but if you trucked, it made you more likely to fumble.

True. Yeah, the Lord giveth and he taketh away. It's tough. All right, my other who's back is fantasy draft season. So we sometimes bash fantasy football here, but I will say this. Fantasy football drafts are so much fun. The actual drafting of the players,

keeping up with your team a little bit harder. Drafting the players, a lot of fun, and it's a classic when men can be met. You know, you get together with your boys, you get the Bud lights, you sit down, you put on jerseys, you make a bunch of fart jokes, and you're just dudes for like three hours just talking about fantasy football.

It's back and it feels great. It does feel good. The sound that your computer makes when you're on the clock. Yep. Little rush of blood down to the nether regions when that happens. So if you do a live draft, you have someone who has to, you know, the loser last year has to do a punishment,

which is always hilarious and totally new every time. It's great. You guys want to help me draft my team again this year? Yeah, yeah. When is your draft? I don't know. I'll try and set it up for a Tuesday or Thursday. Yeah, do it so that we can do it live again.

Let's absolutely do that. Although I came in like second to last last year, so. Jordan Howard was a great pick though. Yep. It was a very solid pick. Andy Dalton, AJ Green, not so much. Yeah, I know. Andy Dalton got the pills into the playoffs.

Yeah. First quarterback to do that in like 20 years. Yeah. Okay, should we, let's do our Mount Rushmore. Okay. So we have the Mount Rushmore of water, very open-ended. This is Hank's idea, which is a great idea. So Hank, with that, why don't you start?

Let's go Hank, PFT me. Bubba, do you concur with that order? Yes. Okay, so Hank, Mount Rushmore of water. All right. My first one, I will go with water. I'm over jumping off a lake, off a bridge into a water. Water in the middle of the night,

or after a night of drinking when you're hungover. Yeah. In the middle of the night you wake up, you feel like you're gonna die. Like you feel like you wake up in the desert and when you can just go. I mean, I had the idea to just have the camel pack that goes into your bed so you can just drink right there.

That's another talk for another time. Why not just a water mattress, a water bed that has a straw connected to it? Yeah, that's how. But we can't do straws anymore. Yeah, no. We can do paper straws that fall apart after one sip. I feel like it's always a situation

when you wake up in the middle of the night and then whatever water bottle you have near you isn't even close to as much water as you actually have. Embrace debate, does water that's been sitting on your nightstand for over three days taste different? No. Does it taste like the room? There's a little dust in it.

I feel like it tastes like the room. You ever do that thing where you drink so much? I used to do this back in the day when I would drink all Sunday and then try to go into work on Monday. I would chug so much water when I got home that I would puke. Okay, just me?

I've beer-bonged water before. Yeah, I have too. That's effective. It's a good way to do it. Yeah. All right, PFD. Instant rehydration, okay. My first is going to be the Atlantic Ocean.

Okay. It's a very versatile ocean. Interesting. You can go down to Florida. It's always nice. It's clear. It's blue. It's nice and warm, like bathtub water.

Or you can go all the way up north to let's just say the Cape Cod region and you got great white sharks swimming there. Is there like a sign somewhere where like the Atlantic and Pacific Ocean mixes? Yeah, it's Cape Horn in South Africa. That's the Atlantic and the Indian. That's where Brooks Kipke's from.

Yeah. No, he's not. He used to go swimming there all the time. He's from- And the sharks would be great leaps after the water. He's definitely from America, right? No, Brooks Kipke. Yeah, he's from America.

Oh, he's South African. Oh, yeah, yeah, that's right. He's South African. All right. You rebranded. My first one is going to be, I'm gonna go with the rain to break a super, super humid day.

That like quick rain, then the water comes down and then it's like a nice, it doesn't stay wet for very long. It's a rain. Yeah. But no, it's a specific rain. It's a specific rain. Yeah.

Oh, I'm sorry. If you did a specific glass of water, could I not do a specific rain? No, I think that plays. Yes, that absolutely plays. When it's super, super hot out and then it rains and then it feels like 20 degrees cooler. And it's awesome.

I like to pick. You could have gotten in the fourth round. I don't think anybody was gonna take that one. Oh, okay. All right, cool. All right, my second one is, I mean, you took the Atlantic Ocean. Yeah.

It was a terrible day. No, pretty strong. What do you mean? Okay, fine, I'll take the Pacific Ocean. No, no, you already took, oh, for the number two? Yeah, yeah, my number two, Pacific Ocean. Okay. You should be making pecs that you want.

The Pacific Ocean, twice the size of the Atlantic Ocean. Twice the size of the Atlantic Ocean. Has like Hawaii, all that cool shit. It's literally not about the size, it's the motion of the ocean that counts. You know, you could be a cool Cali teen in the Pacific Ocean. Yeah, right?

What? Japan? Japan, yeah. But it also has deadly levels of radiation from the Fukushima disaster. No, that was just a drop in the water. No, no, it was many, many. Okay.

Okay, my second pick is going to be Michael's Secret Stuff. Okay. From Space Jam. Okay. It was water, spoiler alert, but it made the Toon Squad defeat the Monstars. Yep. And it was Michael Jordan's trick, so.

Okay. And if you hate that one, then you hit Michael Jordan. And you're saying that LeBron's the goat. I'm stunned, this one is still on the board, but my number two is Concussion Water. Ooh, good call. Yeah, I had that too. Good call, good call.

And then my number three, I will go with Salt Water. So. Just in general? Just in general. Brackish water. Close up the pores, soaks up excess oil, balances oil, oil production. It's just good.

It's really into oil, huh? If you have like, if you're wounded, you go in the Salt Water and all of a sudden you're healed. That's also a great way to attract sharks. Yeah. Is going in there with an open cut. You worried about sharks when you go in the water? It's pretty soft.

I thought you said that you like sharks, shark water, shark water. I encourage sharks to come up to me. Yeah. Sounds like P.F.T. is going against his first pick. No, I think sharks are badass. I just wouldn't fuck with them. If also, if you think sharks are badass,

you know what's specific has way more sharks. How do you know that? Because the Great Barrier Reef, dude. Like, I thought you knew Australia. You did the accent. But the Great Barrier Reef is gone. Literally all the sharks. I don't think you know that much about the Great Barrier Reef

because all the coral's dying at an alarming rate. OK. All right. My next one is going to be Lazy Rivers. Yeah. Love Lazy Rivers. I mean, whatever. It's not us.

Shocked you didn't like that. No, I mean, it's, yeah, I guess. Yeah, it's great. Man-made Lazy Rivers, though. Yeah, man-made Lazy Rivers. Yeah, man-made. Man-made? Yeah.

Man-made Lazy Rivers is a pool. No, it's a Lazy River. It's a way different. You have to go to a water park. Got it. Got it. OK, I will go with. Oh, I'll go with the shout out to John Taffer,

the mix in the water at the bar when you've been drinking too much and you've got to mix in that one water. And it basically gives you all your life back. Like, if you've had eight beers, you're like, here's one water. Oh, wow, a regular human being. Yeah, you're sober again. Yeah. You can keep drinking more beer.

Also, if you put a lime in it, you can tell people it's a vodka soda. Absolutely. But then you get less drunk at a point when you're trying to get drunk. No, no, no. This is when you're too drunk and you're like, yeah. The mix in the water is to save your life.

That's a life-saving water. It also extends your drunk. Yes. And you feel like a responsible adult. You're like, I'm saving future mate right now. It's the nicest thing you can do for yourself. All right, my last one. Hmm.

I'm going to go with a, oh, hose water on a hot summer day. That's my, that's a great water. Back in the day, before we were millennials, we used to drink straight from the hose. When you drink straight from the hose, we turned out to taste like copper. No, it does not taste like copper. Sorry, you don't have good hose maintenance to hank.

Yeah. It's great if you're playing like, you know, Wiffleball, you're doing yard work, whatever you're doing. You get that hose water, you feel like a man, too, drinking. Like, hey, guess what? I'll go straight to the source. I don't need a cup. It looks badass, too.

Yes, it does. And you can spray it at people when you put your thumb on it. That's great. Hank doesn't like that. So hose water. Very versatile. That's great. Yeah, it's great if you're a plant, too, especially

if you are not a human. All right, my last pick is going to be ice in the urinals that you get to pee on and out with your pee. That's always real fun. OK. OK. My last one, I will go with pole and springs. Just regular?

Actually, just hose water that they put into a bottle and then charge you $5 for it. And you hurt the environment. Yeah, all that plastic. You ever seen the floating plastic islands? No, I'm talking about the actual springs, not the water. Oh, the actual springs. Yeah, what about deer park?

You got a problem with deer park? No, I just prefer pole and springs. OK. What about a little aquafina? Makes you feel fancy. That's not a spring. Or what's a Fiji? Yeah, Fiji water.

Fiji. Or smart water. All right, we missed a lot. We missed a lot of waters. Yeah, you want to throw some out there? I just want to say ice. Ice in general, first snow, first snow. The iceberg that sank the Titanic?

Yep, that's a good one. That's a mighty piece of water. That's a big piece of water. The song by Ugly God? Actually, but since I took the Atlantic Ocean, I also did take the iceberg. No, it's not there anymore. It's not there anymore.

No, it's not. No, it's not. It's definitely there. Where'd it go? There's a picture. The matter is neither created nor destroyed. It's actually went to the Pacific Ocean because of the currents. If you look at the current, you'd know.

What about water on Mars? So that's bullshit. I thought about taking that because they rediscover water on Mars once every six months. Right, just to get us excited. Warm shower on a cold winter morning. That's some good water. Getting that hot shower.

An outdoor shower after the beach. Oh, yeah. That's a big mess. Yeah, that's a huge mess. Let's see. Lake water, love lake water. Oh, the hungover rainy morning water. When you're just, when you roll, when you're like super,

super hungover, you look out and you're like, oh, awesome. I don't have to go outside tonight. Yeah, how about the, what do you mean? Yeah, when it's raining and you're hungover, you're like, well, I wasn't going to do anything today anyway, so banker in my face. There's nothing better than being super hungover and having it just like be a thunderstorm outside.

You're like, I don't have to worry about anything. What about those first, follow me? Nope. You've never had the moment where you've been laying in bed and it's like, you're super hungover and you look outside and it's dark and stormy and raining and you're like, yes, now I don't have to go out. Yes, so a thunderstorm.

But that's specific. You're ignoring the context. You're ignoring the context. You did a glass of water in the middle of the night. That has a lot of context. And then you just shout on all my context. It's like, what, I can't use context? Real quick, going back to room water.

Yeah. Water that tastes like the room. What room would you want to drink water that's been sitting out in? Like what's the best room flavor in the world? Probably like the basic coldest. Sistine Chapel. Oh, you're talking about like all around the world?

Maybe, oh, what about water that's in a pyramid? That's been in the middle of a pyramid. That's got sand in it. But it's also got ghosts. No, it's got sand. We missed holy water. Holy water. It's pretty big mess by us.

What about squirt? Is squirt water? Yeah, I guess it would be, right? Forced a bit. I don't know. That's a question that we do not know the answer to. Yeah, ask us on Wednesday for guys on check. What is squirt?

It's pee. Is it? No, I don't think it's pee. But there's water and pee? Well, there's water in us. I could say myself, because I'm 70% water or more. I forget how much the human body is. Interesting.

Any others that we missed? Mount Rushmore of Worst Water would be the mystery water from air conditioning units that hits you when you're walking down the street. The little spray. Also the dirty river water. You know where there's just huge snakes that are right underneath the surface?

That's why you go to a lazy river. Aquafina. Oh, you don't like aquafina now? Got it. Okay. What about Dessani? Dessani's good. Look, Dessani's kind of falling off the map recently.

It's all the same. Also on the list of worst waters when you go to drink, get a glass of, or drink some water out of a bottle and then it's actually your dip spit. Or vodka. Yes, yeah. Just straight vodka when you think it's water. That's also a bad one.

Okay, so tweet us your Mount Rushmore of Waters. Dirty ice is pretty bad too. Decide before you vote if you like context or not. If you're okay with context on one pick and not the others. Yeah. That's fair, right? That sounds good to me. You can make your decision off that.

Okay, let's get to our interview with John Lynch, GM of the San Francisco 49ers. Before we do that, the Cash App. You know the Cash App. It's the simplest way to instantly send money to friends. It's also the number one app in finance and now it's the number one app for paying fantasy football league fees.

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The Dunkin' Run menu for $2. You get all those items. Each of them are $2 and it is great. Okay, here he is. GM of the 49ers, John Lynch. Okay, we welcome on General Manager and future pro football hallfamer, John Lynch. Can I say that?

Yeah, I mean, I'm still waiting. I've been waiting for a little bit, but hey, I tell you what, and then this isn't one of those canned answers. It's just every time that list comes out and I think I've been a finalist the last four or five years like to think that the guy that started off just trying to make teams is on a list like that.

It really is a humbling time and I pinch myself, but I would like to be there. But you are in the baseball hall of fame. So you're jerseys, you're drafted by the Marlins and you threw the first pitch ever in organization history, right? Organization, I wasn't in the big leagues. It was the organization history.

Erie, Pennsylvania. Okay. Planned at an elementary school where like right field, I was a hard thrown right hander. So like having a right field that's about 220 wasn't really a good thing, but that's the elementary school wall was our right field fence.

But that day was cool. Like Wayne Heisinger and the team at the time and all the brass and major league baseball, everybody was there. And for that day, that little elementary school looked like a major league park and you know, I throw a pitch, they come take my hat, my shirt,

and you know, as I tell people, unfortunately the first seven were balls, so it took a little while. I don't remember that, so we can cut that part. So I mean, you're a football guy through and through. You live football, you breathe football, but was there ever a point that you were thinking like pretty close?

Cause I know in Stanford, you're like, I might go just play baseball. Yeah, well, you know, I was drafted higher in baseball. Baseball always kind of was the more natural sport for me. You know, my dad had had a cup of coffee in the NFL. It played 15th round draft choice of the Pittsburgh Steelers. And so I think there's a part of every little boy that wants to be like their dad.

And it was like the more people told me, you know, you ought to stick with baseball, it's safer. You know, all those things that would kind of just spur me on that, hey, football really is my passion. You know, I'm, I'm, I think it was a good thing to stick with football. And after your first couple of seasons, there were even some times where you're like,

Hey, I'm not sure if this is like going to be it for me. Right? You got to think. I mean, we were the, we were the yucks then. I'm in Tampa Bay. Buccaneers were the worst, you know, 93 great uniforms. Yeah, the creamsicles. Real intimidating.

Bucco Bruce winking at the opponent that, you know, scared a lot of people. But, you know, when I, when I wasn't starting for the worst team in football, I started thinking, you know what, I love football, but maybe at some point you just got to be smart and baseball's there waiting for me. Maybe I ought to go pursue it.

Fortunately, I just kept working and things fell my way. I heard that Ronnie Lott might have had something to do with keeping you around. Is that true? Wow, that is very true. We, we played a pre-season game year three and right at the end of year two, they threw me in for a couple of games,

kind of at the time when you're, you know, three and 11 and you got, or, you know, three and 10 and you got a couple more games left. All right, kind of like, let's see what they got. I think the general manager made, made the group, put me in and I played fairly well, but I didn't think anybody was watching. Well, Ronnie Lott was watching and, you know,

I had met him when Bill Walsh was our coach, my senior year at Stanford and I just switched to safety. I used to be a quarterback and I'll never forget like we're playing the Jets in pre-season and Ronnie came up to me after the game and he said, hey, I watched you play those two starts last year. You can play at Pro Bowl level in this league and I'm, and I'm going, wow,

Ronnie Lott just told me and that just kind of gave me the confidence that I could do it and we had a coaching change, Dungey and Herm Edwards and those guys came in and things started taking off from my career. So you mentioned the yucks and I think there's some parallels to taking over the Niners last year. You, you know, you're on the box,

the franchise isn't going great, it's kind of disarray and then you turn around and win a Super Bowl. You come to the 49ers, there was not, I mean, obviously the 49ers are one of the premier franchise NFL, but you could say that there was some dysfunction going on when you guys came in. There was some, you know, a couple of coaches in a few years, GM, that kind of stuff.

How do you, how do you kind of use that experience from the box and then put it here where you're trying to change the culture? Yeah, you're right, you know, so you, I think you, you hit a big point that in Tampa there had never been success, you know, maybe some early on, right when they started with John, John McKay and whatnot.

They were in the NFC championship game, but it had mostly been bad. So there was nothing to kind of hang your hat on here. You had the 49er way. And so one of the things we did is draw upon the old culture. You know, we started, you know, took, you know, I remember coming in and almost like physically getting sick because all these guys,

and I'm not mad at them, but who hadn't done anything in the league, got their pictures on the wall, took me 10 years to get a picture up in Tampa. That used to be a big deal. And yet, you know, the Ronnie Lotz and the Joe and the Steve, they weren't anywhere in the building. And so we put a lot of that up and said, let's, you know, we have to create it on our own,

but we also have a great roadmap of how to get there. But some of the lessons, you know, Tony Dungy is one of the wisest men I've ever been around. And prior to him, it had always been change was the answer. We got to change. And that's what had happened prior to us getting here. And I think them giving us six year contracts allowed us to kind of say, hey,

we're not going any for a while guys. So we better buy in. And most importantly, we got the kind of guys who love the game, are good, smart, tough football players that kind of, that's what sets the culture, people. And, you know, I think we're on the right track. And we'll see this year. So to prepare for your first job as a general manager,

how many times did you watch Draft Day? Fonte Mac, no matter what. You know, I had watched it once on an airplane. Yeah. Yeah, I wasn't studying it the night before my first draft. Well, you acted like you had watched it the other times. That's what I hear. Wheel and deal.

You saw the Weaver. What was it like going into that first draft? Like you had obviously been around football for a while, but you hadn't been, maybe you had been in a war room and seen all the intricacies that goes behind the scenes. How did you go about preparing for that? Well, I never had. I did an off season with the Broncos right up to the draft,

but I didn't go in the draft. You weren't in charge of their fax machine, were you? Yes. Not with Elvis Doomer, though. But I had never been in there. And to be honest with you, I thought, kind of I'd always be this conservative guy who you hold onto your draft choices, draft well.

But the thing just played out. We had a lot of picks going in. The thing fell with the Bears. And a lot of people got on Ryan Pace about that. I think the bottom line is hopefully that's the thing that ends up being great for both franchises. We got a bunch of picks, which we needed. If Mitch Drabisky turns out to be what they think he is,

then they got exactly what they wanted and needed to. Hopefully it's a great deal for all of them. Did you ever think about drafting, Mitch? Were you ever looking at quarterbacks in that draft? We certainly looked. We looked hard. We went out and kind of did a tour. We saw him.

We saw the Sean Watson. And we liked them all, but we felt like we needed so much. And we just needed a lot of players. And so we kind of went away from that. We were probably emboldened by the fact that the free agent class was going to be a good free agent, a lot of options. And then the grapple thing came out of nowhere.

Yes, yeah, go ahead. Did you ask for Tom Brady? I'm not supposed to talk about that. You can't talk about another thing, Tom. You did. And that's OK. That's a bold move. But I like that.

It's your first year in the league as a general manager. Why not just take shots? The worst thing that happens is to say no, right? Yeah, we were calling about Jimmy. And we did have that conversation and got quickly rebuffed. Yeah, I'd say so. I figured, what the heck?

You got to take your shot. You can't score if you don't shoot. So I had to summon up the courage and Bill laughed at me. Did they laugh? Yeah, Bill laughed at me. That's awesome. And basically hung up on me. But hey, I took my shot.

Yeah, I mean, it worked out because you got Jimmy. Was that something that you circled? Like, hey, this is a guy that we can potentially get when you're sitting in the draft passing on quarterbacks? Yeah, but I would say that because we made an effort and we're quickly rebuffed, we thought, OK, move on from that option. He was a guy that kept showing up.

Kyle does a great job of having a library at each position. These are the traits we're looking for. And Garoppolo kept showing up on the quarterback because he does some things that you can't teach, that you look for at that position. And there was a throw the other night in pre-season game to Marcus Lawrence breathing down on him. He's got zero space and the quick release just gets the ball.

Those type of things kept showing up. And so there wasn't a huge sample size. But when you're blessed like that, we felt like it was worth taking a look when the opportunity presented itself. And then he came in there and showed us that not only does he have the talent, he also has got everything else you want in a guy who's your guy.

And he just kind of wore on us. And his teammates made everybody around better. And we locked him up, and we're glad we did. And he's really good looking. Yeah, he is that. Yeah, we asked Kyle about that. And he was like, yeah, he is. It's OK to say it.

Fred Smuts at an ugly quarterbacks never won a Super Bowl. We fact-checked that, and it's mostly untrue. It's the verdict. Well, I mean, how hot do you think Eli Manning is? Or Brad Johnson. Brad Johnson's a good buddy. That Super Bowl was obviously very interesting

because you had John Gruden go from the Raiders to the Box. Did you guys know all their plays? Yeah, but that logic doesn't work, because they should have known our plays if you go by that logic. He had just coached them for however many years. So there are some instances within that game where we did. I think the bigger deal was they couldn't protect Rich Gannon. I mean, Warren Sapp and Simeon Rice and Greg Spires

and those guys were just breathing down. I think we scored three defensive touchdowns. That year, Gannon was a guy. I mean, they were the number one offensive league in pumping. I remember he had such he'd throw from all angles. So you had to believe when he pumped. But I said, you know what? When they do that, the pump versus us,

he's going to turn around. Someone's going to hit him in the mouth. And for sure enough, it happened early in the game. And I remember saying to Rande Barbara, game over. We had where this is over. You could have also had John Gruden's plays if you just picked up a playbook from 1972. Did he make you guys watch film like the 70s?

It's one of his greatest skills. And Kyle worked for him. And Kyle does it now. Kyle's great at showing guys. He doesn't use old film. But Gruden used to be like, hey, Keisha, we're going to run 376 drag slam on these guys' ass. And we're going to hit our heads on the goal post,

just like Jerry Rice and John Taylor did back in 1980. And then he would show you the old grainy video. And it was awesome. It was like he was on Monday Night Football. And so he was a great presenter. And Kyle really is. Kyle feels most comfortable talking to our team. I remember there was a time when he was talking

to every employee in here from the grounds. He wanted to talk to everybody. And he was nervous about, how do I impart these messages? I said, do it with film. Because that's when he's at his best. And I think he learned a lot of that from John Gruden. Yeah, absolutely, absolutely. What was it like playing with Warren Sapp?

How big of a trash talker is he? I feel like he trash talked to his own teammates. He did. The ultimate one. And I mean, you best not have thin skin if you're going to be around. I will tell you, he can also be one of the most loyal people in the world.

But he can be a few waiters at dinners over the years. He's parked out. Yeah, it's not always pleasant. But I love the guy. He would do anything if I needed him. And he made my job a lot easier. How long did it take for him to stop saying that you grew up with a silver spoon in your mouth?

Well, I think we flipped that on him. There was one time where they used to give us that old story. And Brad Colepepper, I think, picked us up and kind of dropped the mic on these guys. One day he said, hey, guys, when you think about it, Lynch and I are the guys that really have overcome. Because there's thousands of guys from the hood in the NFL.

Like, we're really the ones who've overcome. Yeah, that's a good way to think about it. He's right. You escaped Stanford. Yeah, right. Exactly. And that whole silver spoon thing was a little blown out of proportion.

Yeah, it wasn't like we were the, but you know. Warren Sapp, I mean, I could imagine he'll pick at any little thing that he can. Just to try to toughen up his teammates. Everybody. But he's also the guy that picked me up numerous times and said, hey, nobody else I want to play with. And so that's the thing about the sport.

It's so hard. And it's difficult. And you battle together. You hurt together so that you forge these relationships. And I brought him out here last year to work with our D-Line because he teaches it really well. Some guys just can do it. Other guys can do it.

And teach it. And Warren's one of those guys. I believe that. Who was the toughest guy you ever had to tackle? Barry Sanders, you know, I used to say that I deserved royalties from Cadillac. He who sponsored him at the time. Because even like he just turned 50 a while back

and I get all kinds of messages, hey dude, you're showing up on all his highlights. And good thing with that is there was no shame. I mean, he did it to everybody. He used to really get after the Bucks, though. He's got a number of EDR runs. Yeah, a few of those on YouTube. We played an eight man front defense.

And I was always the eighth guy. So kind of the unblocked guy. I later learned at Pro Bowls and stuff talking to their offense alignment that they would call that Barry's guy if you're unblocked. And I remember he'd sit there. And he never, you know, he was like expressionless, but he would go.

And then he'd look back at me and I'd say like, oh, shit. Come on, right at me. Here he comes. Yeah, jeez. You know, that's probably the one player in my career. Other guys, I respected everybody. But like people say, were you ever afraid? I was afraid of playing against that guy

because like I think someone best described it. Like you couldn't pull his flag in a phone booth. I mean, he was just the guy that you were like, where is he? You know, and he was that much better than everyone on the field. And he couldn't not only could he beat you, he'd embarrass you. Yeah, you were making you were making highlights. That's true. Yeah, they're like, yeah, we're stepping over their own feet.

Yeah, when you watch Barry Sanders highlights, like half the defense is looking the wrong way. Yeah, and turn around and everything. Derek Brooks always played him well. And you know, a lot of it that's Derek Brooks. He was he was just an incredible athlete in his own right. But he used to say, hey, what he wants to make you do is stop your feet. And then he can start a whole lot faster than you can.

So never stop your feet. Just go. And so I started doing that later in my career. And yeah, you're going to swing and miss. But you're also going to play him a lot more effectively. And I did. Yeah. Did you ever have to tackle Mike All-Stop?

Or was he always on your side? I did. Actually, when I went to so when coach Dungey first came down, Mike was a rookie, I think the second year he was a rookie. And early in that training camp, I came up from free safety. And I'd heard a lot about this guy, how tough he was. And I was going to test the rookie. And he and I collided.

And it was as loud as I've ever heard. And coach Dungey grabbed me after that. And he said, you two, you don't hit each other. You know, like that happens no more. It was just a bad deal. And so I never hit Mike again until I went back as a Denver Bronco. And my first year at the Broncos, we and there's a big fourth and one at the end of the game.

And that's a train territory. Yeah, we busted through and got him in the backfield. So yeah. Yeah. All right. So we got to wrap up in a minute because you have a meeting you got to get to. And appreciate the time. I'm going to do the C-keek question.

Put in promo code take you get $10 off your C-keek purchase. Go to 49ers game. Come to come to Levi's Stadium. Come and see us. Do you think with the 2018 in the NFL with all the rule changes, how does John Lynch, the safety, make it now? Because you were one of the most feared hitters and guys to look out for. Yeah.

Well, I like to believe because everybody sees me and even Kyle tells me all the time, there's no way there's no way you could play, you know. And I like to believe that if you're a talented player, you'd adjust. I will say though that sometimes I see like it's just whether you use your head or not, they're going to err on the side of safety. And so if you hit someone hard at the safety position these days, nine times out of 10, can it get a flag thrown? And that really when it boils down to it, that was my greatest skill.

That kind of stuff they used to tell me in Tampa, hey, we tell everyone else, go for the ball, go knock someone out. That's contagious. It slows down the other team. It picks our guys up. So I think the answer is yes, I would have changed my game and I would have done what I had to do survive, but I think there would have been pretty. I think I'd be highly penalized.

Yes. I got one more thing here. So a lot of people don't know this about you, but you have a DNA testing company. And I have one of your kits right here. And so what you can do is like 23 of me, except you can, so I'm going to send you my DNA and you're going to evaluate my performance, my toughness, my resilience and my spirit based on my DNA and like my cells and stuff. So I'm just going to hand this to you and cut out the middleman here.

What is this? I think it's a. How would you, how would you just visually like an ocular pat down of us? Was this urine or is this? What would you say our toughness is? Yeah, let's check out your toughness here. You put it in your mouth. I'll just add it.

Did you guys just share this? Yeah, we did. Yeah, we'll see if we have like some kind of special blood. Just guys being dudes. You're testing our whole podcast now for toughness. So what would you say? Just we'll send this in, but give us, you know, the John Lynch genetic toughness pat down with just looking at us and being around us.

What are the options on our DNA testing? What are you? Performance, toughness, resilience and spirit. Those are the complete rundown of the trades John Lynch looks for. All right. Performance. You guys, you guys are great performers. You guys are stools.

You know, huge success, toughness. I don't know. That's debatable. I broke my foot and I didn't miss a podcast. I got bit by a dog. Well, you get points there. What's number three? Resilience.

Resilience. I stalked Bob Lang for five years until we got to this point. You just shared a swab. That's pretty resilient. Yeah, there we go. And then the last is spirit. Spirit. Great spirit.

Got spirit. All right. So we'll just stand here. We'll just hand this directly to you and I'm sure you've got your DNA lab at home. Yeah, you just, you know, take that to the people when you'll get back to us. John Lynch, best of luck this year. Thanks guys. Appreciate it.

You guys were excited. Everybody in the building was excited when you guys came around. Yeah, it's very cool. We're coming to Canton. It was actually pretty awkward because we got confused and thought that you got inducted this year. So I texted Bob and I was like, are you guys going to be in Canton? He's like, I don't think John's going until he gets inducted.

I was like, shit. You know, that's pretty embarrassing. That's a funny thing though. You know, it's because like my parents raised me that you don't write your own press clippings and that whole deal. And you know, I tell you, and that's my true feelings that I'm humbled every time. But like I do want to end that thing. And you know, it's one thing if you don't think, I don't know, maybe I was.

I really believe that the way I played warrants me being in there safe to say, you would attend your own ceremony. That's what you got to do. I'd be there to be like, I will attend if inducted. I will attend if inducted. There we go. I won't do a ceremony at Stanford University breaking news. So, so Canton, Ohio, induct John Lynch.

Yeah, thanks, man. I appreciate it. That interview was brought to you by Mint Mobile, the big and big wireless provider stands for a lot of things since for big contracts, big bills and big fees like AT&T's new $800 million administrative fee increase. Yikes. What big wireless doesn't want you to know is that there's a way to cut your wireless bill down to just 15 bucks a month.

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That's promo code TAKE25 to get your free wager and start winning today. That's it? Yep. Okay. Okay, let's get some segments. Oh, breaking moves. What do you got, Hank? Breaking moves.

I think the NFL has figured out how to save their ratings and their league. Ooh. Do you tell? Yeah. The green zone. Ooh. It's a new feature they rolled out tonight. It's on third downs.

It shows you how far players will have to go at any point during the play to get a first down. Wait, so... So that's just the yellow line, which is not official. But it's now filled in with green. Oh, I like that. Wait, isn't it the field green? It's a darker shade.

Okay, definitely green. I would have gone lighter if I was in the part of this committee, but I can go with darker too. I don't know. I kind of... So it's like highlighted. The field is highlighted. I like this.

I feel like there should be a red zone whenever there's a really shitty quarterback throwing a pass, like inside their own 20, when it's about to get pick six. Yeah. That would be nice. Wait, so that would just be the Dishon Kaiser zone? Yeah, so it would be the Dishon Kaiser zone slash... Here comes an interception. You think it's going to be a touchdown?

Yeah. It would be the Shob zone. Yes. Yeah, that actually would be great if instead of so on the red zone, they should have an option where you can just pick like third and longs for shitty quarterbacks. Mm-hmm. Like here comes an interception. Yeah.

There should also just be a red zone for backup quarterbacks when they get in the games. That also would be great. I would watch. By the way, the Browns Eagles ratings were like insane, and it was a five-nother game. It was so bad. So guess what? There are fucking haters out there who say the NFL. All you Beatles who say you're not going to watch the NFL?

Guess what? The NFL's back. The NFL's back, and there's a shitload of us watching it. We love it. Got no problem saying it. Mm-hmm. I feel okay getting out in front of him and being like, hey, listen, I still love football. Wait, I'm going to do a verbal meme.

You ready? Yeah. Social Justice Warriors is labeled on one of the big strong hands, and then MAGA Twitter is on the other big strong hand, and they're shaking hands in the middle, and then it says not watching NFL games. Ooh, I like that. I like that. Bringing them together.

I also have one. The hot chick walking down the street, she just has NFL on her, and then the dude looking back is everyone, and then the other chick is NBA Twitter, and they're just like, damn, I forgot that everyone loves the NFL, and it's not just the NBA being a 20, hey, guess what? The NBA is a 12 month league, guys. Mm-hmm. No, it's not, because I don't give a fuck from September 1st to Super Bowl.

Mm-hmm. Guess what? The NFL is petty, too. It's called sacking the quarterback, and it happens every single play, and it's us. Have it. Have at it. Randy Gregory, so petty. Exactly.

Listen, we're about to feel it, boys. Listen, these people, they pile on the NFL in the off season. Yeah. Uh-uh. We're back. Ratings are going to be insane. We have a, speaking of the NFL, we have a respectabiz to Doug Peterson, who got a little surly with reporters yesterday or a couple days ago when they asked for like the hundredth

time, is Carson Wentz going to be back for week one? So Doug Peterson, I actually don't know if this is respectabiz, because he's actually fully respecting the biz. He said, I'm not going to keep answering the same question, ask it in a different way, and then a reporter was like, how often does Carson Wentz get evaluated, and then he went and answered it for like, you know, three minutes, being like, well, here's the process with Carson Wentz. So I like this.

Doug Peterson is just telling everyone, telling reporters, do a better job. Yeah, that's like, that's how you talk to a two-year-old, too. It's like, ask me a different question. Use your nice words. Hey, Doug, are you worried at all about Carson in the humidity in September, playing in September? Yeah. What if Bill Belichick wasn't a dick after all, and he just didn't answer questions? No, Belichick.

Oh, Belichick. Sorry, sorry. Sorry, sorry. Belichick wasn't a dick. He just only answered questions if you said please, if you were just polite to him. Yeah. Like, he's waiting for the magic words, and then he'll answer, you know, he'll go on for five minutes about Tom Brady's thumb injury.

Bill Belichick is actually your first grade teacher. Yeah. He's like, do you do not get anything unless you say please? Yeah. Thank you. He's just been waiting silently for the last, like, 10 years for reporters to start being nice to him. Yeah.

Do you think the training staff will have to be washing Carson Wentz's jersey after week one? That's a good way to ask him. He'll be like, oh, and then he'll answer it. Yeah. Doug is not, he's not, you know. Doug, I'm considering betting $5,000 on Carson Wentz starting in week one. Yes.

Would you recommend that I do that? Would you say that would be a good idea? It would that be a sound investment strategy? Doug, before your week one game and the kickoff of the season, how large of a cup do you think your quarterback will need? An extra, extra large or just a large? Okay, Doug, thanks. I like that.

Appreciate the answer. Doug, did your starting quarterback get married this off season for week one? Did you say that as much? I think he got married. Yeah, he did, yeah. He seems like a guy that probably will just get married every off season, just renew his vows every off season. Yeah, that's right.

I still love this lady. Yes. I love her. Another ring. Just a piece. Another ring, even though Nick Foles won it. Yeah. We have a sorry, not sorry for Trevor Bauer.

So Trevor Bauer got in a weird situation where he, there was a fake tweet that someone said ESPN aired, Trevor Bauer flipped out, turns out ESPN didn't air it and Trevor Bauer then had to say sorry. So he had to say, hey, MLB network and ESPN. I would like public, he is demanding, I would like public statements on social media and on your networks, clarifying that the information you wrongly reported as fact earlier regarding my recovery timetable and process is false and not a quote from me, the report is damaging and absurd.

Turns out he was wrong. So then he released a video saying my bad guys, I'm wrong, which is the video no one asked for. Yeah. But I guess if you demand an apology and you're wrong, you have to then give an apology. Trevor Bauer just, he kept digging and digging and digging until it became a story because there are a few things that I care about less in life than an ESPN report getting Trevor Bauer's injury timetable incorrect, but he kept trying to make it a story.

And then I think that the initial report was like, Trevor Bauer is going to be out for multiple weeks because he like took too much silver to like harness the CIA's mind control. It was some like bizarre, obvious joke tweet. Yes. And then he got tricked into thinking that the joke tweet was actually on the air. And he basically amounts to is Trevor Bauer is the dumbest player in Major League Baseball, possibly sports or the smartest because he's thinking, yeah, we're talking about him. And he did sign that contract, the 42069 contract where he just had 42069 all over the place.

And he does, he is a drone professional who is drone enthusiast, drone enthusiast. He's just a weird dude. I don't really understand Trevor Bauer. I don't think Trevor Bauer understands Trevor Bauer. You just said Trevor Bauer is sneaky genius because who would care about Trevor Bauer on the Cleveland Indians besides Indians fans unless he was doing all, unless he was fake eating silver to harness power and then demanding apologies and having to apologize for demanding apologies and then cutting his finger off with a drone while he uses his fingers to,

for his profession. Trevor Bauer strikes me as a guy that challenges people to debates a lot. Yeah. So Trevor, if you want to debate whether or not you're a genius or an idiot, yeah, why don't you come on the podcast? Yeah, he definitely is like a well actually and also like what stats you have to back that up. And he has in his back pocket, like two or three statistics that he always goes to.

Like those are his go to. He's got them. He uses them. It's like, it's like the fucking Green Bay Packers power sweep. He's just going to keep throwing these statistics out there for every argument ever. Baseball politics, whatever. I challenged Trevor Bauer to take an IQ test against Hank. I think you'd mop the floor with him.

No, what we've got to do is we've got to send out a fake tweet. Yeah, that's true. About Trevor Bauer's low IQ. Trevor Bauer admits to having low IQ issues because of his... He's had too much mercury. Because he snorted lead paint when he was in high school. Yes, yes. He's, yeah, he actually broke, he melted his fighting necklaces and bracelets and drank

it. Yeah. Trevor Bauer got spooked by a fake tweet in 2011 that Obama was going to take his fighting necklaces and confiscate them. So he snorted them and then got lead poisoning and now he's a dumbest player in baseball. That's Trevor Bauer. That's Trevor Bauer for you. That's what we're hearing.

All right, before we get to our reading, we have a embraced debate. This is from the Little League World Series. So I didn't know this was a debate, but we have to embrace it because we are a debate show. They asked all the Little League World Series players, paper towels or napkins. The hottest debate you've ever heard. Boys. Well.

Pared away in. Yeah. Shamwile was not on the list. Nope. Paper towels or napkins. I have a very clear definitive answer here. Yeah. I think paper towels for me.

Without a doubt. They're more versatile. They hold more liquid. Uh-huh. They napkins or get all messy and like they're little. What about in a restaurant? I would, I would love cloth napkins. I would love if restaurants just had a roll of bounty at every table.

Yeah. And just like here you go. No matter how fancy it is. Yes. Uh-huh. Yes. That would be a great, wouldn't you say that's an upgrade to a napkin? But like if you're eating wings, how many napkins you need versus you could do it all

with like one or two pieces of paper towel. So it's easy. Paper towels. Yeah. Clown question. Very much a clown question. And the worst debate about ever. Yeah.

And don't get me started on Kleenex. Oh man. Kleenex is like a poor person's napkin. Yeah. Exactly. Well, except for some cases. No, but I'd say I'd still submit that paper towel superior. Paper towel.

Paper towel. In every way. Every use. Okay. Also you can use, you can use a paper towel as toilet paper if you run out. Ask this question. Would you rather use a paper towel or a napkin as toilet paper? Yeah.

Greeney's answer to this by the way is both please. Uh, probably paper towel. Still. Because, dude, if you wipe your ass with a napkin, there's a good chance you're going to get shit all over your fingers. Yeah. Or the napkin's just going to get stuck in your butt. Yeah.

Paper towel, the only risk you run is clogging the toilet. And I'd rather that than going to chill. Or cutting open your anus. Well. With a paper towel? Yeah. Come on. Dude, those things are, you got to beat Davidson butt and sandpaper towels.

Yeah. Jeez, man. You've cut open your butt with a paper towel. No, I would never even think to do that. I'm not a doctor, but I'm pretty sure it's healthy to have a little bit of blood in your stool at all times. Well, blood on the, on the wipe. Yeah.

Right. Exactly. You're not wiping hard enough if you don't have blood. Yeah. You have a, I'd rather have blood than a dirty butt. Hey, guess what? Speaking of blood, we have one last thing before our Monday reading. A voter injured for the UFC fighter who ripped his scrotum with a drill, not an actual drill,

a drill, a fighting drill he had in his pants. Oh, wait. No, no. It's an actual drill. What? Okay. So Bryce Mitchell. No, his explanation is funny.

He was doing some home improvement. What the fuck? He was holding a board above his head. And then he, he like stepped off a chair and he had a drill in his pocket. So when he stepped off the chair, his leg hit the power button on the drill, which tangled his scrotum up, sliced it in half, twisted his balls all around. And then he had to like, I assume that in the moment he had to hit the reverse function on the drill and then try to time it.

So it got perfectly unwrapped. I thought it was in a fighting drill, grappling drill. No, no. And actually this is why I never attempt any home improvement drills. Fuck this story. I'm, I'm moving off. I'm looking at the picture right now with the blood all up in his scrotum area. He should have been wearing me undies.

Probably would have saved the life. Yeah. They can stop. But it don't quote us on that. Okay. Let's finish up with our Monday reading. It happened while we were gone. Urban Meyer, uh, officially not fired.

He was suspended credit to me. Did you say it as well? I think I was the one who was on the right side of history here. The right side of history. Well, you're on the right side of the wrong side of history. Right. I said right away, he's not going to get fired. You, you thought he was going to get fired.

He survives three games. He's going to be suspended for three games. Gene Smith, I think is suspended for a month or something. I don't even know. But either way, Ohio State released a statement and we're going to do a little Monday reading for him. Wouldn't getting suspended as an athletic director be awesome? Yeah.

Like you got suspended from your office job with pay. I don't even understand what athletic directors do. They just basically have to make sure this shit doesn't happen. Yeah. So yeah, he should be fired. Uh, either way, they just raise money. That's all they do here. So here's a couple.

We're going to do a couple, uh, clips from the finding was 23 pages, way too much reading. We're not, it's Monday reading. It's not Monday. Athletic, you know, your biggest responsibility as an athletic director is hiring the correct searching firm to do your job for you. Yes. Absolutely. Which is outsource everything, which is essentially hiring just Lee Corso to find

your next coach. Yeah. All you do is you. Yeah. You just go pulling and Lee Corso will find you a coach. You just buy expensive bottles of bourbon for your biggest boosters and get drunk with them during the middle of the day. Yeah.

And they always come up with John Fox. Yeah. Okay. So here is a couple snippets from it. Let's start with this one. I pulled out a few interesting parts. Uh, they started it with in undertaking their review, the independent investigatory council interviewed more than 40 witnesses.

Some multiple times they were viewed over 60,000 emails and 10,000 text messages. So I wanted to start there because I got to ask you guys, I think this is the coolest job of all time. They did that. And how many in two weeks? 10,000 going through other people's text messages, but like as your job, you know what they should have done? It would be awesome.

They should have just like WikiLeaks. Do you remember when they hacked the DNC and then everybody online was searching for stuff? Yeah. They just sort of released it to a select group of, they should have posted a link to all the texts and emails on a University of Michigan message board. Yes. And they would have gotten to the bottom of it in like four, four hours. Yeah.

Have at it boys. Okay. So, uh, yeah, I mean, 10,000 text messages would be a lot of fun to go through. They never, that sounds crazy. Yeah. Emails. No text messages. Yes.

You could find a lot of stuff out of context. I'm shocked at like an emoji. The emojis would be so funny to see. Yeah. Urban Meyer using an emoji would be like red flag, put it in the, put it in the findings. Yeah. Um, okay. So it goes on to say, although coach Meyer and athletic director Smith failed to adhere

to the precise requirements of their contracts when they concluded that they needed to await a law enforcement determination of file chargers. Yeah. Other than their misunderstanding of the requirements triggering reporting obligations, neither coach Meyer nor athletic director Smith violated any policy rules law or contractual obligation. It's just misunderstanding. So no, no, no, no, no, no.

He didn't know that he had to report the stuff that he had to report. So you can't blame him for not knowing it. They misunderstood the requirements triggering reporting obligations. So not even reporting. They just misunderstood what starts the report. Right, Urban Meyer didn't go to OSU to play reporting requirements. I love that line.

They're misunderstanding of the requirements, triggering reporting obligations. You gotta start it somewhere, guys. You gotta start the triggering of the reporting obligations. He didn't know that domestic violence would have been something that triggered him reporting domestic violence. Right, he didn't know a coach underneath him.

He didn't know that's part of his job to make sure the coaches underneath him don't commit felonies. He trusted his coaches too much to not commit felonies. Right, exactly. Here's the doozy, though. Oh, yeah, this is the second-last thing. Here's the doozy, though.

We accept that in July, 2018, Coach Meyer was deeply absorbed in football season and wanted to focus on football at Big Ten Media Days. Wait, I mean, you're gonna put him in jail for being a football guy? Yeah, yeah. The firing of Zack Smith the day before, the first time Coach Meyer had fired a coach,

was also on his mind, as was the erroneous media report of a felony arrest of Zack Smith in 2015. We also learned during the investigation that Coach Meyer has sometimes had significant memory issues in other situations where he had prior extensive knowledge of events. I love that because it's very specific

that he had memory issues when he already knew everything about something. That's when he loses his memory. Now, like, oh, I forgot my car keys, it's no, you had years and years of finding out this guy was a fucking scumbag, but you forgot that part. Yeah, no, it was like, what is that exact statement?

Like, he has had significant memory issues when it comes to subjects that he was very familiar, is that what it is? Yes. Like, does that have anything to do with like, game planning or like, someone that has that much information ahead all the time to trust him to run your,

like, multi-million dollar football organization who just forgets stuff all the time? Yes. I'm not buying that. It's a very particular case of amnesia because he has, he has extensive knowledge of events that he forgets stuff. Yeah, he forgets stuff that'll get him in trouble.

Yes. It's a curse. He's really smart. And then this line, he also periodically taking medicine that can negatively impair his memory, concentration and focus. I think he's probably taking those Alex Jones memory pills. Yeah, he's taking, yes, our super male vitality.

Yes. He's fucking up his memory. I remember Marcia said I had a big bowl of chili before the press conference. I'm sorry. I was sweating. I reviewed all the documents. I just made a giant, a very substantial bowl of chili

before I said, surely you can understand. Dude, Erb Meyer, listen, credit to him for figuring out that if he just basically, like, fake a heart attack, fake having bad memory and like dementia and having to take pills for it, you can probably get out of everything. He used the Afroman defense. He said, because I got high,

I forgot about my coach that had been arrested. Yes, yes. By the way, shocker that Erb and Meyer's never fired a coach before. Is that unusual? I get it. I feel like that's very, very unusual. It's like a Supreme Court position.

Yeah. If Erb and Meyer hires you as an assistant. I guess they just either just their contracts get up or they go get new jobs. Or they get killed. Yeah, yeah. He also said Coach Meyer had a whole thing where he, they couldn't get any text messages

over a year old. Yeah, normal. And apparently that was just how his phone was set up. Yeah. You can see here, folks, just a phone thing. Now, so Roger Gidell would have suspended him for four games. Yeah, so he's staying on. I hope we didn't trigger any Ohio.

So this is the hard part about talking about like college football, big scandals, like saying Urban Meyer probably knew a lot more than this report has found. Doesn't say, isn't like, hey, you're Ohio State fans, you're the worst. No, it's actually not like you can separate Urban. You shouldn't have Urban Meyer

be part of your character as a person. So hold yourself head high, Ohio State. Be like, you know what? You're better than Urban Meyer. This all was bullshit. He probably remembers everything. And guess what? He's still coaching Ohio State,

so you probably win a shitload of games. The funniest is people saying like, something like this would never happen at Michigan. No, it's gonna happen everywhere. Yeah, this type of stuff happens probably at every single major program in the country. And if your coach is good enough, they'll do the reverse engineering

where instead of being like, let's find the facts, we'll be like, let's find the facts to make sure he stays as coach. Yes, exactly. That's what happened here. Let's find the facts of his selective amnesia of extensive things, yet extensive knowledge. Urban, I'm gonna need a perfectly collated list

of everything that you've forgotten in the last two years. Yes, and just a little warning out there to everyone. Just make sure that you trigger the reporting responsibilities. Yes. That's all you gotta do. Just make sure you trigger the start of it. Well, no, what you have to do is you have to learn

when to trigger the reporting responsibilities. And then remember to not forget when to trigger the reporting responsibilities. And you'll be fine. Yeah, you're gonna be fine. Okay, that's our show. We'll see everyone Wednesday. And I don't even know who we have on the show for Wednesday.

We got a big show Wednesday, don't we? Is it Hollywood? No, it's not. Are we going on Hollywood with this one? Nope. What is that? That's gonna be, Rob Lowe's going to be the Wednesday after Labor Day.

So a week from Wednesday. A week from Wednesday. So we haven't decided who we're gonna have on for Wednesday. Yeah, hand up. I thought that this was Labor Day weekend. You did that twice. Until Friday. I got a week ahead of myself.

I just want football to be back so badly. And you just didn't trust me because we had this conversation a week ago. You were like, hey, is that Labor Day weekend? I was like, nope, that's not. But guess what? A week from Wednesday will be Rob Lowe. We don't know who's gonna be on Wednesday.

We have a couple in the Hopper, as they say. That was at DVR that they tried to make. They tried to redo DVR. No, you have at the Hopper, remember that thing? Oh, yeah, yeah. They're like, hey, DVR already exists. Yeah, it was basically the cyber dust. Mark Cuban's cyber dust for TVs.

Love you guys. Take on me, take me on. I'll be gone, but I don't want you, me less to say. I want to set it, but I feel so in a way. Don't wanna learn you, but life is okay. Say out to me, it's no better to be safe than sorry. Take on me, take me on. I'll be gone, but I don't want you, me less to say.

It's part of my take presented by Barstool Sports.