Pardon My Take - Big Cat Had A Baby, NBA Draft, Jimmy Tatro Interview, Mt Rushmore With Jon Taffer
Episode Date: June 21, 2019Big Cat had a baby, a real live human being. He talks about the last 48 hours and how a hospital is kind of like a sportsbook. PFT roasts Big Cat's baby to welcome him to the family. (2:15-21:05) NBA ...Draft, is Zion the most beloved athlete in the last 20 years? Duke went 3 in the top 10, and everyone traded for the same type of dude. (21:06-35:14) Fyre Fest of the week. (35:15-40:14) Comedian Jimmy Tatro joins the show to talk about how he went from a youtuber to an accomplished comedian making hilarious shows and movies. Growing up a cali teenager and how Entourage was the single smartest show of our time. (41:41-1:27:35) Jon Taffer joins the show to do the Mt Rushmore of Bar attractions (1:31:14-2:01:04) and we end the week with license to Jill with Jilly Football (2:01:07-2:16:06)You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/PardonMyTake
Transcript
Discussion (0)
Hey, pardon my take listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify,
or YouTube.
Prime members can listen, ad-free, on Amazon Music.
On today's pardon my take, we have Jimmy, how do you say his last name?
Tatro.
Tatro.
I said it wrong in the interview and I felt like such an asshole because he's awesome.
Maybe Hall of Fame or Mount Rushmore are funniest guys that we've ever interviewed.
He's very cool.
He blazes.
Yeah.
Do you blaze, bro?
Not as much as him.
Do you even burn, bro?
I asked him that, Hank.
I asked him that.
You weren't there.
But I asked him that.
We have Jimmy Tatro.
His new season just got announced.
New season just got announced.
We have John Taffer, Mount Rushmore with him.
We have Jilly Football, NBA Draft, and I had a child.
So it's all brought to you by Cash App.
Cash App is the number one finance app in the app store.
Cash App is the most powerful way to send, spend, and save.
It's connected to the free Cash Card.
The only debit card with boosts, just select a boost in your Cash App, then instantly save
it some of your favorite places like 10% at Chipotle or $1 off at coffee shops.
They're always adding new boosts.
So check yours often.
Best of all, boosts are like unlimited coupons so you can use them over and over and not
ready to switch debit cards.
You don't have to.
Cash App lets you instantly transfer funds to your Cash Card for free.
So when you see a boost you like, just add funds, swipe, and save.
Cash App is also the most convenient way to buy Bitcoin.
Most Bitcoin exchanges require five days or more for bank transfers to become investable,
but with Cash App, they only take seconds.
Download the Cash App from the app store, Google Play Market today, and Cash App is
bringing back a great initiative.
For AWLs, if you download the Cash App and enter the referral code BARSTULE, you'll receive
$5 and they will donate and send $5 to one of our favorite charities, the ASPCA.
Do it for the animals and be a lover.
Download Cash App today, enter code BARSTULE, get some money, and save some animals.
Okay, let's go.
Welcome to part of my take presented by the Cash App.
Go download it right now, put in code BARSTULE and you get $5 to the ASPCA.
Today is Friday, June 21st.
Do I sound any different because I'm a father?
You do sound a little different.
This is the first show where one of us is a father and that we know of.
That we know of.
I'm on Very Little Sleep, but I'm here to talk about it and the NBA Draft and Jimmy
Tatro.
Fucking awesome guy.
I want to be friends with him.
But we have all that, should we talk about the fact that I have a child?
I think we should probably get started with that.
Somebody pointed out to me that exactly nine months ago is when I started doing the Velveeta
ad reads in a sexy voice and might have put you right in the mood.
Also right around the double-doink days.
No, no, no.
That's a Kalil mat treat.
Not good with math.
Not good with math.
Yeah.
That was like four months ago.
January.
But close enough.
You have to forgive Hank.
It's been like two parades for him since then.
The Bears beat the Seahawks Monday Night Football week two, so one found that.
So yeah, I have a child.
It was fucking crazy.
I don't really know what to say other than it was fucking crazy.
Like it was.
Congrats.
I don't.
Yeah.
Thank you.
Thank you to everyone, by the way, who's reached out and said nice words.
Also thank you to like the two or three Barstool haters that reached out and somehow looked
at a picture of a newborn baby that was one day old and was like, fuck this baby.
It was like, is he going to be a douchebag like his dad?
So those people, like.
I respect it.
I respect the hell out of it.
I respect the commitment to the hate.
The brain is so broken.
I actually want to interview you like how can you look at a newborn baby and be like,
fuck this.
Yeah.
So shout out those people too.
So yeah, it was crazy.
I like a lot of people say that, you know, the day your child is born is the best day
of your life.
I don't.
I don't know if I'm going to put it there just because I think it was just the craziest
thing.
You're a perfect guy.
The baby hasn't done anything yet.
No, it was more like the craziest wildest experience of my life.
I was you guys know I am not one who is silent often.
A lot of what?
A lot of jokes.
Wise ass.
Yeah.
So I was making a lot of jokes in the delivery room.
I was fucking.
I had everyone rolling.
Mm hmm.
It was like, you know, night at the Apollo.
They say laughter is the best medicine.
Oh, I was.
You were.
You were Patch Adams in there at one time.
I was like, Doc, let's do like how how many more how many more pushes you think is going
to take over under?
Like that.
That one didn't really land.
But anyway, I was trying and then the baby came and I was completely silent for half
hour and just crying like a baby.
So they're like, you want to hold it couldn't speak.
Just the words like, you know, when you can't speak, but really not LeBron, no words, actually
no words where I could not form words.
I was just stunned and like, holy shit, this is my baby.
And yeah, it was a very, very crazy, cool experience.
Shout out to Lady Kat, who's an absolute warrior.
I told you before the show, I think I'm going to want going to retire making jokes about
how eating a lot of wings on Sunday is like pregnancy because when women go through, holy
shit, man, I'm going to continue to make those jokes until I'm proven otherwise.
Yeah, it is.
They are so much stronger than men.
It's crazy.
Yeah, crazy.
Crazy.
Like I would have.
I was tired after the whole thing and I did nothing.
No, you did a lot.
I did a lot.
You stayed in the hospital.
I stayed above the border.
I also moved the doctors were on to me because I kept on saying, am I in the way?
Do you need me to leave?
Trying to get excused from the room because I was like freaking out and I wasn't dealing
with it well.
And they're like, no, you're fine because I was actually standing in the corner as far
away from everything as possible.
I was there like, you're fine.
Stop asking that dude.
Was he crying?
So the baby doesn't cry right away, which is scary as hell.
And then it starts crying and you're like, oh, thank God.
And then you're like, you want to hear it.
Yeah, right.
Exactly.
It's been sleeping really well.
And we're going to do the evergreen show on Sunday so that I can.
I was telling you guys to like when you when the baby's born, you're at the hospital and
it's just everyone's there to help.
So I figured I'd come in, do the show now because once I go home tomorrow, I think I'm
going to have my old fuck.
I have to keep this thing alive moment on Saturday.
You're going to wake up and there's going to be a baby in your house and you're not
going to you're not going to have any help with it.
You're going to be like, I need to do something to keep this baby alive today.
Right.
Yeah, no, you have you have a get out of exercise free card for quite some time.
I wrote down a few other things I wanted to.
So yeah, so there's help everywhere in the hospital.
So essentially the hospital for me became just a sports book because I had a TV, all
the channels and I was just betting on every game because I had nothing to do normal.
Right.
I had nothing to do.
So it's kind of nice.
It's actually good book that smells a little different.
It's good that you were doing that because if you were like super, super attentive and
not, you know, focused at all on sports or on your phone, people would have been like,
there's something wrong with them.
Right.
There's something.
What's going on?
You need to tell me what's happening because you're freaking me out.
So it's good.
You almost see it.
It brings like a little bit of calm to everybody in the situation.
Right.
I'm not going to I'm not going to be like one of those dads like, I don't want to.
I don't want my kid to see the bad side.
No, we're going to bet on games right away.
No, you.
We're going to see how it goes.
The baby has to know.
And you know what?
It's actually it's responsible of you from a fiscal standpoint.
Yeah.
You're going to continue betting if not more so than you were before because the baby might
be good luck.
Right.
Right.
So he's not.
But yes, he could have been.
He might be.
He could have been.
He might be.
Did did not do well tonight.
But he could have been.
I was hoping I was going to get some of that Fred Van Vleet magic tomorrow's a new day.
Not exactly what I was looking for.
I was hoping that we were going to rattle off some winners.
But either way, yeah, the hospital becomes a sports book, not that bad.
And yeah, the whole thing is crazy.
I don't really I don't I don't really know what else to say.
I mean, I'm a day old dad.
So to pretend that I know anything is would be stupid.
And I think I'm just going to learn on the fly.
Like people keep asking me if I've taken take classes about like diaper.
Oh, I did change my first diaper before I came in.
Well, that was the first diaper on your baby.
Yes.
Correct.
Correct.
So I did do that.
And I think I fucked it up.
But the nurse was like, it's OK.
I'll handle this.
So but I did try to change a diaper.
That's all that you can.
And the only other thing I wrote down was I had a moment where I was I didn't sleep
for like 48 hours or whatever it was, and I was just staring at my baby.
And I think I got a little high.
And I was like, how do people believe in fate?
That's fucked up because like you're looking at this baby and people who believe in fate
would think that that baby whatever is going to happen in his life has already been determined.
Yeah, that's why.
Yeah.
Nature versus nurture.
Right.
That's the original rust versus rest debate.
Right.
So I was just looking at it like you never know.
You look at a baby and think fate is real.
That baby is destined for something.
I feel like that's a common thing, though, that you hear people are like my baby was
born and then everything changed.
I don't think that you can change it, but like in like blow when he was like addicted
to coke then his baby was born and then it's like it helps not obviously you're not that
extreme.
No, I gambled right away.
So that didn't change.
It helps some people that are like, I don't know, it's just it's one of those things
where it just gets people like I don't know how it gets going.
I don't think it changed.
I don't think I'm not going to be one of those guys like, oh my god, everything
just changed like that.
Obviously things will change, but it was more just the craziest experience in my life.
Like I've jumped out of a plane not to brag with whatever, just it's kind of cool, but
I'm not bragging.
I've done sung sung the anthem in front of, you know, thousands upon thousands of people
collectively not all at the same time, probably only a thousand at one time.
But this one is the craziest moment.
So this is crazy.
I had it.
I was on ESPN 2 at 1 a.m.
Yeah, let's not forget.
But this is the craziest moment.
Yes.
This is some real responsibility that you have.
Yeah.
Oh, future me is ass in the jackpot.
Yes, absolutely.
So did you gain any dad strength yet?
I have not benched yet.
Okay.
We need to check.
I would like to.
I want to do like a full study on whether dad strength is real thing.
350 probably.
Okay.
I'm going to throw that out there.
350.
350.
That's about 300 more than before.
So yeah.
Yeah.
I'd say dad strength is a thing.
Yep.
I had a theory that you're more fertile than I am because you said that you had sex in
the dark only.
Yeah.
So maybe having maybe sperm and shirt on infected by light.
Yeah.
I only use the lights because it helps me find out which hole.
Yeah, that's true.
But for you, like I think that might have something to do with with the fertility issue.
Yeah.
So you probably got to turn off the light now.
Turn off the light so that my sperm can can find their way home.
Can grow.
Yes.
No, I don't want to kid you.
All right.
I'm going to live vicariously through your child, your child for a little bit.
Do it.
I was, I was a little upset this morning.
Yeah.
Your baby is already funnier than I am.
When viral.
Because it was born at six pounds and nine ounces.
How about that?
That's my best material and your baby already cucked the shit out of me.
When they said that, I laughed so hard.
That was actually the first noise I made after the baby was born and everyone just looked
at me like, what is your problem, man?
You're crying and now you're laughing?
Are you deranged?
Yeah.
Like whatever.
It's fine.
Yeah.
So your baby's already a real hoot.
That's great.
Also, 61919 is pretty, it's a pretty baller birthday.
You're going to get some, some Father's Day birthdays for that kid, which is going to
be great for you and terrible for him.
Maybe a U.S. Open kind of situation.
Yeah.
Father's Day, U.S. Open.
Yeah.
You might have to get into golf.
Uh-huh.
Absolutely.
So yeah, so then your baby started trending on Twitter.
That's great.
Very cool.
Had 140,000 likes on that.
Yeah.
Darren Revelle made a really cool account for your baby, which immediately got deactivated.
Thank God, because that's the creepiest thing they've ever seen.
You know what?
You should have responded to him.
Darren, this is not your content.
Like he responded to Jake when Jake filmed him pulling his hamstring.
You know what though?
Credit to Revelle, he never, he never deviates from who he is.
No, he is who he is.
Like if Darren Revelle.
But he is a piece of shit.
Yeah.
Didn't reply with a completely socially awkward tone deaf response.
Yeah.
I'm like, what's wrong, dude?
If he just replied, congratulations.
That'd be weird.
That'd be weird.
Someone hacked him.
Very strange.
He had to be weird about it.
So yeah.
So your baby got a little under my skin, so I decided that I would do a little something
to welcome him into this world.
And I'm going to roast your baby.
Because I'm punching up because he's funnier than me and he trended on Twitter.
So I feel like.
He actually trended like three times.
I feel like he's fair game.
Dad cat, little cat, and congrats big cat, which all are tribute to him.
So he's fair game for me to take down.
He's ripe for a take down.
This baby has had it too good for too long, so I wrote a few notes here.
He's living on Easy Street.
Can you put the Seinfeld music in?
Like some nice stand up comedy stuff?
Wow.
Little cash app cats.
Welcome to the world.
I'm so glad you could make it.
Can't wait to meet you.
And you were born, the doctor said, ten toes and ten fingers.
Well, for now, until your dad starts to get confident about the Texans, and I went into
Super Bowl again.
That's good.
Well, Dan, you know, you've changed already since becoming a dad.
Me and you, we used to be on the same team.
You said that we'd never get rid of cable TV for live sports.
And the second little Yoko Ono cat who made his way into this world.
You ran for a pair of scissors and you cut the cord.
Speaking of belly buttons, your dad is so deep, little cat, that he needs a damn three
foot high gate around that thing in case he falls asleep with you on his lap so you don't
fall in.
He needs to get a belly button ring so you can belay your way out of that cave in case
you get trapped down there.
So be careful.
It's a scary world.
I saw that swaddling job that your dad tried to put on you earlier.
And folks, I haven't seen blanket coverage that atrocious since they trusted Chris Conti
to protect the Seinfeld.
Oh, no, that's too far.
You know, little cat, you and your dad have a lot in common.
You both have to eat 12 times a day or else you get grumpy.
You both cried when you had to leave the friendly confines to live in New York.
And neither one of you has gone a few hours without pooping yourself.
And I know your family loves you very much.
They've gone ahead.
They spent a lot of money, baby, proofing the house, which is ironic because your dad
would be a lot richer right now if Marion Barber had run directly into a corner.
Speaking of spending a lot of money on pointless safety, have you heard about this Chris Conti
guy?
Oh my god.
Hey, little cat, tell you what, you might think you're hot shit, but I'm faster than
you.
Birds than you.
I've seen just as many nipples as you have.
I'm currently taller than you and I've got almost as much facial hair as you.
By just about any measurement, I'm more of a grown-up than you are, so let me give you
some advice.
Your dad's a great guy and you have a lot to learn from him.
Watch how he treats people and you try to do the same.
Watch how hard he works so that you can have a great life.
Watch how your dad sets goals and works tirelessly towards them.
So when you set a goal, always try to hit it.
Try not to hit it so hard that it bounces off that goal and hits another goal and falls
meekly to the ground as the Philadelphia Eagles celebrate on your home field.
Welcome to the world, little kitten.
Oh fuck, that was good.
That was really good.
I've always wanted to roast a baby.
That was good.
I appreciate the words.
The Chris Conti jokes were too far.
Like, disagree.
That was over the line.
Disagree.
That was over the line.
Well, Randall Cobb got over the line.
That was too...
And Marion Barber, you should love Marion Barber because he did start T-Bomania.
I do, yeah.
That was a big thing.
That was a direct butterfly effect to T-Bomania.
By the way, I saw a Tim Tebow slash line the other day.
It looks awful.
It looks like somebody with two followers on Twitter the ratio is that they wouldn't
end up with.
Are you giving up on them?
No, I'm never giving up on Tim Tebow.
Okay.
Never.
I will never give up on Tim Tebow.
That's my word.
Okay.
So yeah.
So I had a baby.
I'm here right now.
So if you're going to do the people...
I get it both ways already.
Like the people I did my hit on with my guys Wato and Sylvia in Chicago and someone replied,
you didn't even do your own fucking show today, dude.
And then someone else I tweeted something and they're like, dude, spend time with your
newborn.
It's like, he's sitting right next to me and he's sleeping.
Should I wake him up and be like, hey, man, guess what?
The hawks just traded up.
No, it's good for your baby to learn all the weird stuff that you hate already.
Like that stuff needs to seep into his system.
How will the baby like affect the immediate programming of the show?
Won't.
Sunday.
Sunday we're running.
Actually, Sunday is actually probably one of my favorite episodes we ever taped.
Let's go together.
We taped a life episode with Ryan Russell and Mark Titus, where we're sitting in our house
in Santa Monica, Venice Beach, Grittier, and we talked about our lives and basically advice
to our younger selves and then we did a Mount Rushmore of things that we think that we are
elite at.
Yeah.
So sometimes I get accused of not sharing enough.
Yeah, we all over.
I definitely went way deeper into my personal background than I think I ever had before.
And so do so.
And listen, I don't know if you want to get that jaw dropper that deep inside was so
is brain true.
A true.
True.
You have brought up the thing that PFT said, like at least five times since not to me.
We have my back.
No, no, to you.
Oh, OK.
No, he said I have a bad memory.
Yeah.
People will be able to see on gold, but that it was it was one of the funniest.
Like, yeah, it was a draw.
It was a draw.
Yeah, it's an awesome episode.
So Sunday, we're going to do that.
So it will be an evergreen show.
Oh, yeah, Breaking Moves.
Breaking Moves, Hank.
Breaking Moves.
Bowl Bowl was just drafted by the Miami Heat with the 44th pick.
Sheesh.
That was a yikes.
He expected the top five pick before the year.
Well, that suit that he's wearing, the spiderweb on the suit.
Here's the cool thing.
To his dad, the original daddy long legs.
Yeah, his dad, that picture of his dad in the pool, that's probably the coolest picture
of all time.
Trended again.
That is good.
Yeah, great news.
So that is cool.
All right.
A quick PSA.
Do not give dogs chocolate milk.
OK.
Just want to get that straight for everybody.
There was some disambiguation that we need to clear it because Hank didn't know about
raising a puppy.
So Hank, we're going to do the same thing that we did in the past where we have you tell
a story or invent a sentence out of the words that chocolate milk gave us.
This week's words are replenish and dichotomy.
So Hank, tell us a story about recovery that ideally won't lead to the killing of beloved
household pets.
The words are replenish and dichotomy.
Give me a quick hint about dichotomy.
Nope.
Nope.
I'll spell it for you.
D-I-C-H-O-T-O-M-Y.
All right.
Bulbul.
Great story.
Love to watch him play.
His knees need to be replenished.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
I'm blanking on dichotomy.
No, you got it.
Just do it.
You got it.
Go for it.
You got it.
Needs to be replenished.
Be a legend.
We'll have a bad dichotomy.
We'll have a bad dichotomy.
Yeah.
That's fair.
That's good.
Many doctors are saying that there are questions about his dichotomy that popped up on the MRI
and the physical.
What do they do for a dichotomy?
They just scope it?
Aspirin.
There's not a lot.
Just wrap it.
Rice.
Rest.
Ice.
Compression.
Elevation.
Elevation.
Yeah.
Rice.
Okay.
Okay.
When a natural break comes to wrap up the story in by saying, learn more at BuiltWithChocolateMilk.com.
And that was a natural place in that conversation.
Okay.
So, Bowl Bowl just got drafted.
So, back to our quick programming notes.
So, Sunday, we have an Evergreen awesome episode.
It's going to be life advice to our former selves with Ryan Russel and Mark Titus.
Can I just say I was going to tape, the plan was I was going to tape all the ads for that
Monday show tonight.
Yeah.
But you came in.
So, you're going to do them?
Yeah.
We'll do them together.
Getting ready to introduce Monday's show on my own.
Oh.
Brock Osweiler going to the bench to get us home.
And Peyton Manning running back onto the field.
That's good.
And not letting me say let's go.
That's good.
That's good.
That's good.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So, that's going to be a good show on Sunday.
And then we're back to regular.
And then July 4th week.
Oh, yeah.
July 4th week.
We always do.
We're going to do a best of on the Wednesday before July 4th.
So, July 3rd.
And it will be one of those like three hours.
You can binge it if you want in one day.
Or if you have to work on Friday, quit your job right now.
Yeah.
I love it.
And also, if you're down in Miami, I'm going to be down there for the DNC next week.
Yeah.
For the debates.
So, there's one thing that the political world's been missing recently.
And that's a presence from part of my take.
So, I'm going to go down there and try to get some content.
If you are in the know in Miami and you have any movers and shakers, slide in the DMs.
Get in there.
Get in the DMs.
So, all right.
So, that's baby.
Baby happened.
I'll probably say a couple of anecdotes here and there when I fuck up.
But I'm going to keep trying to make a good show for everyone.
Are you going to cry more?
Are you going to cry more?
I feel like you're going to cry more.
When you have a baby, I watched the draft tonight.
Yeah.
All these dads crying.
Yeah, let's get into it.
But there is one thing I will do.
Every now and then, PFT, I will have to like pull the dad card and be like, well, you don't
see it the way I see it.
As a father.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Listen, once you have a kid, you'll understand what it means.
And perfect segue because, yeah, it was the parents' draft.
Draft tiers are the best tiers in the world.
They are pretty solid tiers.
They are the best tiers.
And Zion, you got to see different perspectives of draft tiers too.
Like, Zion, obviously, his eyes were bloodshot red when he got there because he had already
been thinking about the moment, obviously.
And then all the parents were crying the entire time.
It's like life-changing tiers.
It's like watching Nosha Moreno during the national anthem, like really good, passionate
tiers.
Yes.
I have a question for you guys.
Is Zion Williamson the most beloved athlete in the last 20 years?
The most beloved.
I'm talking about everyone loves him.
I can't remember a guy getting drafted, especially from Duke.
And we talked about this when Duke was playing, you know, this past year where it's like,
he goes above Duke where you find yourself rooting for him, even though you don't want
Duke to win.
The fact, like if you looked at Twitter, everyone's like, man, this is awesome for Zion.
And he goes to a franchise that, listen, I think the Pelicans are going to be good.
I know New Orleans has very passionate sports fans, but it's not a hateable franchise.
So if he went to the Knicks, if he went to the Lakers, if he went to, you know, the Warriors
or the Celtics or the Sixers, people could hate him, but the Pelicans, they are not threatening
in that manner.
So I think he might be the most beloved athlete in terms of like universally.
I'm not talking about one fan base loves, you know, one fan base loves Tom Brady or
Aaron Rodgers or all these.
I'm talking about universally sports fans.
It feels like everyone's rooting for some Chris Anderson, because he played on so many
teams that everybody loved the shit out of him.
I just can't think of anyone.
You say in bold, but that's kind of different.
That's different.
Michael Phelps, but that's kind of, but even Michael Phelps, that haters, you say in bold
was like universally.
Yeah.
Everyone was just rooting because he like, because they wanted to see something special.
Right.
And people don't watch track otherwise, right?
So it's not like they're like rooting against their favorite teams or whatever.
So then my second part of this question is who will be the first to cross the picket
line to hate Zion Max Kellehrman?
Hmm.
I think.
Yeah.
You know what?
It's going to be one.
It's going to be skip.
I don't think it's going to be the hottest take of all time when they say Zion sucks for
this reason.
I don't think that Max is going to do it.
Max is going to be the second person to do it, which is going to open the floodgates.
Oh, I think I think it's all going to turn really by midseason next year.
Yeah.
If he doesn't perform right away, which he probably isn't like, I don't know.
Oh, yeah.
It's the second person that starts a trend.
Like if you go to a concert, you see one guy stand up and start dancing like a weirdo.
Everybody just looks at that person and they're like, that guy's a weirdo.
The second person that gets up and joins them, then all of a sudden everyone's like, oh,
this is a thing that we're doing.
Right.
So I think it's going to be skip that starts the train with a cut.
He's going to test the waters early in the season and be like, I think Zion's going to
have trouble staying under 300 pounds.
I don't think he's going to be hated Hank the same way that other guys get hated right
away because because one, he seems like a very, very good guy, like just everything
you read about him, everything you see on video.
Sort of the brawn.
No, listen, but hold on.
He has that perfect balance of can wow you with dunks and blocks and all this stuff,
but he is one bad weekend away from being fat.
I mean, so he becomes relatable in that sense.
We can start with the nitpicking.
No, I don't want to nitpick Zion just yet.
I'm just saying it's numbers.
I'm ready.
Okay.
Oh, I'm ready.
Okay.
I've got some takes that are ready to go.
How about his draft suit?
You want to start there?
The draft suit was good.
He's wearing white.
It's the summertime.
No tie.
He's he's allowed to wear white.
You're not allowed to wear white because you're not a virgin.
That's true.
But yeah, I liked it.
I like the no.
I like the no tie because as the draft went on, they had him, they interviewed him like
two hours later and he looked like he had just come out of Miami like nightclub at four
in the morning.
He had that.
He had the button all the way almost down to pass his nipples.
That guy's been partying.
Yeah, look good.
It was a good.
It was a good evolution of a draft night suit.
Yeah.
That's the look of a guy that was at a wedding that's walking out at like 1am with a champagne
glass in his hand.
It's a little sweaty.
Yeah.
It's it's tell you what, it's after shout.
Carrying his girlfriend's shoes.
Shout just got done playing on the dance floor and the Cupid Shuffle hasn't been played yet.
That's the zone that Zion looked like he was in.
He didn't have the best suit of the night though.
I think the best through the night Garland's robe that he rocked up there.
Yes.
The flowing robe.
Yep.
That was very, very nice, very tasteful.
That was nice.
He looked like he was in the polyphonic spree.
Yep.
Kobe White with the big hair hat picture, which always plays by the way, just as a side note,
the Bulls actually did something I agree with.
Baby Jordan a point guard.
Yes.
Another North Carolina guy.
They drafted a point guard when they needed a point guard.
The Bulls roster.
I actually like it because everyone fits.
And then I remember Jim Boylan's a coach.
And Kobe White did say that he had his best conversation with anyone he met with was with
Jim Boylan.
So that tells me that Jim Boylan did his soul check and Kobe White has a good soul.
He did the thing where he just looked into his eyes and looked directly through his soul.
That's what George Bush did with Putin.
Yeah.
Got to read on him immediately.
So I liked that pick.
I actually liked that pick.
They didn't fuck it up.
Other things that I noted.
Well, there was the trades.
David Griffin is on a heater.
He's just, he is trading everything and winning every trade.
So he traded out of the fourth pick.
Who came up?
The Hawks came up.
The T-Wolves also went up to the sixth.
Everybody moved around.
They all moved around for the same guy.
And like Deandre Hunter or Jeric Culver.
I mean, Derrick Scott is obviously different.
But it felt like everyone moved around to get the fourth guy in the draft that they, on
their board.
Right.
I always forget too that you can buy second round picks in the NBA.
That's so, it's so weird.
Like, can you imagine if that happens?
That's the Bulls play.
Just buy in and get a bunch of, a bunch of players.
Bulls are actually, couldn't do it this year because they were already maxed out.
Oh really?
That's why they didn't do it?
I'm selling their picks.
That's why they didn't do it this year?
It's so weird.
Like all the trades in the draft, I know we talked about free agency and the contract
situations, mid-level exemptions, all that bullshit.
But it's so confusing on draft night for me as like a casual NBA fan watching it.
Because I feel like the NBA is trying to make us smarter by how many rules they have.
Whereas I'm used to the NFL, which is actively trying to make us dumber based on how easy
it is.
One thing that you have to remember, and that's the Jimmy Johnson draft value chart, which
is just something that Jimmy came up with on a sailboat after like 13 Dakarys.
And he was like, this is how much a draft picks worth and everybody agreed that they
would do it.
In the NBA, you have to have like, you have to have a degree or be at least like a janitor
with racist friends in a basement at MIT to figure out exactly what you're doing with
your draft picks and what they're worth.
It's so hard that Rob Polinka couldn't figure it out.
They made a trade and they did the numbers wrong.
I can't believe that story is real.
The fact that they made that trade and like, wait, what?
We don't have enough money now?
It's so relatable though.
It is so relatable.
Because you just, it's almost like when your, when your bookie texts you on Monday morning
and you've done the math in your head and then he texts you and the numbers way different.
And you're like, fuck.
Yeah, I screwed that all up.
That's what, that is literally what Rob Polinka was good.
Yeah, Rob Polinka is going through that moment.
He is having the worst Monday text from his bookie of all time where he's like, wait,
hold on, double check your numbers real quick.
What he went through, yeah, let me, let me double check mine.
You double check yours.
Then it comes back to the exact same.
You're like, shit, it is that he went through what I went through on Monday, which is I was
like, I'll pay my bookie off all in full.
And then I tried to and then Vashat was like, we can't accept this mini transfer.
So over the course of a week, I was like, shit, that's Rob Polinka.
Very relatable.
It's very relatable.
I would just want to make a note.
If we're going to talk about, you know, fathers crying at the draft, I think that we have to
say it's pretty likely that next year when RJ Hampton is drafted, there's a lottery pick.
We'll be there.
We'll be there.
And I'm probably, the waterworks are just going to flow.
I'm not going to be my, I look at him like a son almost.
I just want him to get drafted before Cal's guys.
Cal, a little bit more understated this year because, uh, what is PJ Washington?
What would he go like 13th or something?
So that was the first one.
Tyler Hero, by the way, shout out to his dad, the most Milwaukee looking guy of all time.
His neck was so large.
He smelled like sausage through the TV screen.
And Tyler Hero is the least Milwaukee looking guy of all time.
It's so good.
It's so good.
They're combo.
Maple Mamba.
That's a nickname.
RJ Barrett going by the Maple Mamba.
Does he know how the Mamba came about?
No.
Okay.
All right.
So then we'll just move on.
Yeah.
We'll move on.
Okay.
Maple Mamba.
Enough time has passed that we don't remember why Kobe became the Mamba.
Yes.
Words, words change over the course of the years.
And Mamba, Mamba mentality just means good at basketball.
That's all it means.
That's a weird one.
If you know the backstory, I guess, I guess the Maple Mamba, RJ Barrett was probably five
years old when Kobe transformed into the Black Mamba.
The Maple Mamba.
That's that's a poisonous Canadian snake.
Yes.
It's just when you lose your hockey stick up in a tree.
It just comes in.
That's the Maple Mamba.
The snake comes and licks you a little bit.
Yeah, it's a little annoying.
It tastes a little sweet.
Yeah.
Uh, the Wizards.
Yeah.
Drafted a new best friend for Dwight Howard.
Oh.
So the first Japanese player to ever be drafted in the NBA is Rui Hachimura.
Yeah.
Rui Hachimura.
His name literally means baseball base.
Did you know that?
Yes.
And Japanese.
Yes.
So he's literally the safest pick in the draft as far as I'm concerned.
Yep.
He will be friends with Dwight Howard.
That's all that they need.
They just need somebody that does.
I feel like every team that has Dwight Howard on it,
all they have to do in the draft is just pick somebody that doesn't hate Dwight Howard yet.
Right.
And just give him a buddy.
Give him 20 games.
Yeah, give him 20 games and that'll be fine.
Um, I wrote this down, Hank.
Oh, wait.
I have one more note about.
Rui Hachimura.
Yeah.
Uh, the big upside on him was when he came over to Gonzaga and he started playing,
he was very upset at his teammates because they would lie sometimes in games about when
they got fouled or who the ball went off.
And he growing up in Japan, he was more honorable.
Can't do that.
He had never heard of that before.
So he would get mad.
He was the living embodiment of that commercial where the kids like coach it went off me.
We got to give the ball to the other team.
Right.
Play it fair.
Yeah.
And then basically the Tony, the Tiger commercial they play right after the Little League World
Series ends.
Yes.
He's sportsmanship catch it.
And you mentioned how the bulls looked into your guys eye and they're like, okay,
this guy is going to be my guy.
The wizards never met with him.
He had no idea that.
I actually like that.
He had no idea the wizards were going to draft him.
You could have at least gotten Michael Jordan to come up and play one on one against him.
I think it's, I think it's complete.
Like the draft workouts and all that stuff, I think it's overrated.
I kind of like that just because who knows, maybe he's an awesome guy and you,
it's better to just not meet him.
Right.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Who knows.
Yeah.
You could be pleasantly surprised.
The only upside to this pick is that Grunfeld didn't make it.
So yeah, there you go.
There's room for excitement.
That's big.
The other thing I wrote down, Hank, I had one last thing I wanted to ask you.
So we're running pretty long on time.
Yeah.
So the second time, PFT, the second time in history, okay, draft history.
Yeah.
Since I, I think, I think actually ever, but it might, there might be some,
it might happen in like 1960 when there was fucking five colleges.
Yeah.
Three, three.
Picks in the top 10 from one school.
Wow.
The last time that happened, University of Florida, Cory Brewer, Joe Kim Noah, and Al
Horvath.
A dynasty of a team.
They won two titles.
Yep.
So Duke had three picks in the top 10.
They must have won the title this year.
Absolutely.
Well, if they had come back, they definitely wouldn't have won again.
They, wait, wait, they must have won the title.
They were juniors when they left.
They must have.
They didn't win their freshman year.
That's had to have happened, right?
They didn't win their freshman year.
Wait, were, were they competing against other juniors at the time,
or were they competing against freshmen?
They must have.
I think it was like other juniors, right?
So in this case, it was, it was all these guys, these young guys competing against
other guys.
So what you're saying is that Duke had a lot of talent this year.
Yeah.
But they were somehow outcoached in their own confidence by another team.
Hold on.
They had to have at least gone to a final four, right?
Almost.
Oh, what?
They didn't?
One three throw away.
Damn.
That's crazy.
Three picks in the top 10.
That's crazy.
I don't know how that happens.
I bring up Hank really quickly.
What were your thoughts on Al Horford?
Because that happened.
Oh, no, that's what, yeah.
No.
What?
Al Horford?
Yeah.
What happened?
Not great.
Okay.
Okay.
Just not great.
That's what I thought you were talking about.
No, I was talking about Duke.
I was making fun of Duke.
But Al Horford happened to be one of the three in the last time this has happened.
Yeah.
It's basically just like 2013 again for the Celtics.
Like it very, very quickly.
One from like, all right, maybe Kyrie's coming back.
Al Horford's definitely coming back and maybe we can get someone else to like,
holy shit, we're completely rebuilding like, we just stockpiled draft picks and are like
going after Miles Turner.
This league?
What is life?
This league.
Mike Conley goes to the city of Utah and free agency hasn't even started.
It's tough, especially because it's like Anthony Davis basically disrespected
Boston then went to LeBron.
It's like Anthony Davis said, fuck you to Boston.
Now everyone else is saying, fuck you to Boston.
Well, it's clutch.
You must hate, like LeBron, the hate for LeBron has to have gotten even hotter.
Because clutch is essentially saying that.
Clutch is basically saying Anthony Davis, you don't want to go to Boston.
Yeah.
And also let's give ourselves some credit on calling the whole space jam to thing.
Yes.
If you saw that list of players that are interested in going out to the Lakers,
space jam to is just, it's an excuse to pay players off the book and avoid the salary cap.
Polinka, that's why he doesn't have to know anything about the salary cap.
All he has to know is LeBron James' cell phone number and be like,
Hey, is the money good?
Right.
Okay, awesome.
He's got his spreadsheet.
Can you shave $10 million off Lola Bunny's contract and funnel it to Anthony Davis?
Great.
Got it.
He didn't hit the right arrow over long enough in his Excel spreadsheet to see the space jam column.
So he's like, oh, dude, it's on a fucking different tab.
You should have just hit it because you know that the money's there.
It's in the space jam budget.
All he's hoping for is just that he'll be like Rob Lowe's stunt double.
This is so Magic Johnson.
I need Magic Johnson to do like a two plus two equals four tweet or something like that.
I know basic math.
Also shout out to Woj for spoiling every single pic of the draft.
Didn't think he was very good this year.
Last year he was a lot funnier.
The thesaurus wasn't as good as it was last year.
He was a little something was up.
So Woj, I don't know.
Last year was special this year.
Okay, let's do Firefest the week.
Then let's get to our interview and some Mount Rushmore with John Taffer and Jilly Bean.
Hank, why don't you start with your Firefest?
Sure, I'll go quickly.
But my Firefest was having a brain fart and thinking that the double-doink was nine months ago.
Yeah, okay.
Just thought of that on the spot.
That's taking profit.
That was good.
Yeah, that did suck.
It was tough.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Okay.
That's good Firefest.
Yeah.
I mean, well, the offseason, it does feel like it lasts longer, right?
In in your defense.
No, this is this is where I like I don't want to admit how dumb I am.
Well, but hold on.
Let me help you.
Six months.
You know, in your defense, Hank, in your defense, it's not like the.
That was a year or six months ago.
Right.
Yeah.
No, it was six months ago.
Ish.
Yeah.
Right.
It was the months or numbers.
So Hank just thought that six months was the gestation period of a human female.
It's only happened in the first month in January.
One, you can just do the numbers to know how many months it's been.
It's the six months of the year right now.
Wait, you're not going to start doing the thing where you talk about your kid and you're like,
the baby's 94 days old and my kid is two to the 36 hours old right now.
No, fuck that.
Fuck that.
Go ahead, PFT.
You're fine.
My firefest of the week is I ran into a little bit of trouble that I'm a little worried about
on Twitter yesterday.
And that is our new Twitter king, OJ Simpson.
God blocked me.
Good.
Good.
He he got rid of you.
No, you don't need to be in this relationship like I told you.
Listen, no, I he'll change.
Have you noticed the people who are doing the OJ jokes?
That's just so bad.
Well, I did notice that most of the jokes that people were making about OJ are very
unoriginal.
Mine, on the other hand, were funny and and they're very very pointed.
OJ knows something about that.
So he blocked me and that means that my name has come across OJ Simpson's desk
and that he is not happy with me.
He's got someone doing the block.
And I don't know.
Yeah, I don't know because if you look at the tweets that he's liking,
there are tweets that OJ Simpson would like.
There's no way it's probably his lawyer because he's liked his lawyer's tweets.
I don't know.
I don't know what it is, but I'm not.
I'm a little unsettled by it.
But then I started thinking about it and I was like, what if OJ murdered me?
Imagine the content that would come out of that.
If OJ Simpson actually murdered me, I would say that it'd be like 50-50 split in America.
50% of the people would be like, oh, I really miss P.F.D. Compton.
He was so attractive and great and awesome at everything and roasted babies so handsomely.
And then the other 50% would be I am here for another OJ Simpson murder trial.
Well, no, but people would be psyched for that.
The problem is it's like sequels.
It's tough.
The first one was so hot.
And then part two, it's like, eh.
Yeah.
We're really going to do this again.
I've seen the documentary one and a bunch of awards.
Like if there's another documentary about you,
it probably wouldn't because there was already the first one.
But that's the only thing.
We could, instead of Court TV, we could just stream it live on barstowgold.com.com.
That's true.
Go download it right now.
If I get all of our stuff.
I want this is my last living will and testament.
If I get murdered by OJ Simpson, I want the entire trial.
I want the entire murder, if possible,
to only be available at barstowgold.com slash PMT.
Yes, absolutely.
OK, my firefest.
I had a pretty good week, but I do have two firefests real quick.
The first is MLB has embraced the fact that we have to eat each other's asses
if Christian Yelich wins the home run derby.
That was our last chance.
If MLB said we can't let this event, the home run derby,
become an ass eating event.
Yeah, the storyline.
Yeah, but they're leaning into it.
They're leaning into it.
And that's a problem.
Yes.
I was hoping that someone Bud Selig was like, yo,
we can't have these guys eating each other's asses.
We're out.
We're out.
Christian Yelich, you can't do this.
It's fine.
Just sit out.
Say you have a back problem, but no, they're going the other way.
They're leaning into us leaning into each other.
And that is going to be a problem for us.
It's a problem.
My other firefest.
So the baby was born and then there.
So I basically your job when the baby is born is just like,
what do you need?
I'll go out and get it a block away from the hospital.
There is a frozen yogurt stand.
So I've had five ice cream cones in the last two days.
Yeah, you earned it, man.
And my stomach hurts so bad.
Every time I run out like, oh, hey, do you need water?
OK, I'll go get us like water, you know, water and body armor
and a quick baby.
And then boom, ice cream cone five.
I've had five in the last two days.
I've just been.
And I haven't told anyone this is the first time I'm saying it.
I've just been eating ice cream nonstop.
And my tum tum hurts.
I like how big cat has gone in 20 minutes from saying he's
never going to complain about stomach pain from eating wings
to complaining about it immediately.
Well, I didn't compare it to pregnancy.
But if I were, it's similar pain.
It's similar pain.
It's very similar.
It's cold.
It's a cold pain.
Do you have the belly freeze?
I did want it.
Yeah, I did.
It was tough.
Yesterday I did one.
I did two like an hour apart.
That was a little excessive.
It's a little bit much.
At that point, that's just stress eating.
Yeah, I mean, that's just like, I don't know what to do.
So ice cream makes me feel better.
Right.
If everyone's going to, if everyone says, oh,
the day your baby is born is best day of your life.
Well, guess what?
I better be eating ice cream because I love ice cream.
I have one more fire fest.
OK.
And that's robots, especially VAR robots in the World Cup,
in the Women's World Cup.
Yes.
It's ruining soccer.
It is.
It is absolutely.
I'm actually the mindset that I'm out on instant replay
across the board.
I think we've gone too far.
Welcome.
We've gone too far.
Welcome to the good side.
I've been saying it.
Fuck the robots.
We need to complain about refs.
Fuck the robots.
First, you know what?
We applaud Kawhi Leonard.
We tell him how great he is.
Next thing we know, robots have ruined the game of soccer.
Yep, absolutely.
OK.
Let's get to our interview.
And then we'll do some Mount Rushmore and Jilly Bean
before we do that.
Dunkin' Gotoos.
With Dunkin' Gotoos, you can get a great deal
on two of your favorites.
Two egg and cheese wraps for $2.
Two bagels with cream cheese spread for $4.
And two bacon, egg, and cheese croissants for $5.
In my opinion, it's a pretty tough deal to beat.
That's my go-to sense.
Dunkin' Gotoos is a great deal for two, four, or $5.
America runs on Dunkin.
Participation may vary.
Limited time offer.
Exclusions apply.
Also, make sure you tune in to the Dunkin' Barstool Dunkin'
Awards.
What do we call those?
The Dunkin' Awards.
Are they?
Is there a word for them?
Viva la Dunkin'.
It's Viva la Dunkin'.
Yeah.
Tuesday night live stream from a Dunkin' Donuts in Queens.
So thanks.
Shout out to Dunkin' Donuts.
Great event.
We give out the awards to ourselves.
So kind of a little narcissistic by us.
But it's all brought to you by Dunkin' Gotoos.
Go get them right now.
Great deals for two, four, or $5.
OK.
Here he is.
Jimmy Tatro.
Tatro.
OK.
We now welcome on someone who's actually a lot of people
requested when we made our trip out to LA.
It is Jimmy Tatro.
You know him from American Vandal.
You know him from all his YouTube.
He's an actor, comedian, writer.
He's got a new movie coming out July 12th.
Yeah.
Stuber.
Stuber.
What is that about?
Stuber is about an Uber driver who picks up a cop
and the cop is trying to chase a guy down.
And the Uber driver is kind of a pushover.
And the cop ends up convincing this guy to basically drive
him around all night trying to capture this bad guy.
Hell yeah.
It's like the transporter, except kind of updated.
Yeah.
Who's in it?
It's Dave Bautista and Kumail.
Oh, that's right.
Yeah, Bautista.
That's right.
Yeah.
Bautista is actually great.
I just watched it and I thought it would be funny,
but I was actually very pleasantly surprised
with how much I enjoyed the movie.
Yeah, yeah.
It came together really well.
And it's only like 90 minutes.
Oh, that's perfect.
Which is, I think, a perfect comedy movie time.
Yeah, because whenever they try to do like the,
when you see 100 minutes, you know
there's going to be 15 minutes where they're like,
this just stretches on.
They all fall in love for those 15 minutes.
You're like, come on.
Yeah.
I mean, seeing under 100 minutes,
I'm instantly more likely to click it.
Yes.
Absolutely.
Like, I still haven't seen The Revenant
because every time I see two hours and 45 minutes,
I'm like, shit, I don't know if I have that.
And that's too much snow.
Right.
It's just too much.
Well, it's too cold watching.
That's the best part because you're like,
I don't have enough time for this.
And then you sit and watch like 15 office reruns.
Yeah, and then you want to sit there on my phone
watching stupid shit for two and a half hours.
And I'm like, why did I just watch any of that?
I should have just watched The Revenant.
Happy to do that.
How many times can you watch
Leonardo DiCaprio climb inside a bear carcass?
It's like, OK, the second time it happened, that was cool.
Now it's like two hours in.
I haven't seen it any times.
Oh, spoiler alert.
Oh, he wins in the end.
He climbs inside a bear.
So you don't have to see it now.
All right, well, fuck.
Yeah, well, I mean, it's been out for a while.
Sorry, Jerry.
Yeah, I know.
I know I've missed the any type of people
being nice about spoilers window on The Revenant.
It's fine.
All right.
So I wanted to start with you getting into YouTube
because it's fascinating like you were an early adopter.
2011?
Yeah, 2011.
Yeah.
2011.
So you just graduated college and you're like.
Graduated high school.
Graduated high school.
And you started the YouTube.
I mean, I started kind of making them in 2010 in high school.
It was just more random shit.
Right.
Stuff I was doing with my friends.
And I had in the back of my mind,
I wanted those videos to blow up and get 100,000 views.
I remember like the first video I posted in high school,
I would like sit there and open it in a bunch of different tabs
and like try to get my view count up myself.
Go to the school library.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Take it every single desktop.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I would just open a bunch of different windows.
And you know, I got like the video was at
between me and the real people who watched it.
You know, like I had one at like a thousand views.
Oh, shit.
My trick was I used to just I used to go to the school library
and I would make every single computer's home page,
my YouTube page or like my website, whatever that was.
And then whenever they got shut down, they'd open up again.
Boom.
New hit.
Yeah.
Oh, wow.
Hits on hits on hits.
So when you started it, were you like,
this is going to be a career for me?
Or are you just like, I'm fucking around,
seeing where this goes?
No, I kind of was, honestly, because my a friend of mine
in college had a friend who was who was a professional tuber.
You know, he was bringing in.
He was big on the tube.
He was huge on the tube.
At the time, he was like in the top 10 tubers.
Yeah.
There weren't, there were only 20.
Yeah, exactly.
But he told me, like, what this guy was making.
And then I saw the guys.
What even is that?
I don't know.
Harrison Ford's about to crash another one.
This is your city, dude.
What is that?
Someone parasailing or something?
That would be a plane, right?
Yeah, that was a plane.
Over my house, the helicopter traffic is nuts.
Is that because all the drugs are on?
Well, I don't know.
It's just like, I guess all the helicopter pathways
just goes straight over my house.
What's up with all the car chases out here?
I don't know.
I feel like that's like a staple of the afternoon news
is there's always like a car chase being trailed by a helicopter.
That's right here.
I don't watch the news, but everyone that does is like,
man, there's some good car chases.
Yeah, there is.
There was a huge one earlier this week with a huge RV.
So wait, back to the YouTube.
Yeah, back to the YouTube.
YouTuber.
Yeah, so I heard this Tuber was bringing in like 400K a month.
I watched his videos.
I didn't think they were good.
I had already made some videos in high school
where I was kind of trying to do this.
And once I heard that and I started just kind of,
I was kind of developing ideas in my head.
I wasn't putting them out.
And then I got kind of inspired by a certain speech I heard.
And it was like, honestly, it was this guy in my frat that was
like giving us.
It sounds so stupid.
But we have these, you know, when you're pledging,
you have like rituals there.
And I fucking hated every single one of these things.
But one of them was this thing where you go around the circle
and everyone said their greatest desire in life.
Like, what do you, at the core of you, what do you want to do?
And I remember just saying what it was that I wanted to do.
Everyone did.
And then at the end, this guy just gave this speech.
Like, you guys all told me exactly what you want to do.
You all have the tools you need.
Go fucking do it.
Like that kind of a speech.
Like Shia LaBeouf.
And I was like, yes.
I'm going to do this right now.
Have you thanked that guy?
I have thanked him.
Yeah.
OK, good.
Because that was just kind of like, I was going to do it,
but that was really like a push forward.
Like, I got this.
And in my head, I was like, yeah.
I do have this.
You said it out loud.
What exactly was it?
Were you like, I want to make people laugh or I want to make movies?
What was it that you wanted to do?
At the time, it was just like, I want to make the whole world laugh.
Kind of a thing.
I'm not sure that's exactly what it is at this point,
but it's similar.
Yeah.
It's something like that.
I mean, you got a pretty fucking big YouTube page.
You've been in some pretty funny shit, American Vandal.
You made a lot of people laugh.
Yeah.
So you're there.
You're like probably a tenth of the way there to the whole world.
Hey, a tenth?
That's pretty solid.
That's a lot of people.
Probably.
There's a lot of people.
They don't have YouTube in China, though.
Yeah, you need to figure out a way to make China laugh.
You cool.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Get on top of that.
So at what point was it like, did it just blow up?
She laughed.
She thought I was like making a joke, but it's actually called YouTube.
No, it's actually called YouTube.
Yeah, they've like uncultured, Kelly.
They've Weebo.
That's like their Twitter, right?
They're the new one.
I think Youku has since kind of is no longer cool.
Not enough people like chugging glue on it.
You got that, yeah.
I don't know what's hot out there.
Because that's like the brick and mortar of YouTube.
It's like dudes, you know, like, remember Shoenice who would like chug.
He would chug like Elmer's glue and shit.
And then also like the people who create like deep fakes and static images.
What are deep fakes again?
Deep fakes where you take somebody and you can create like a computer animation of their face.
And so it looks just like them.
You can have them doing anything.
So it's like you can ruin somebody's career if you make it good enough.
Deep fakes.
No, that's concerning.
Yeah.
Our big thing for our YouTube page is we like to do like if something big happens in the news,
like there was a mafia guy who got shot and killed in New York.
So we did a YouTube like exclusive footage of Mafia boss getting shot.
And then it's just a picture of him and like us reading his Wikipedia behind it.
You know how people always like search it.
And then they're like, fuck, you got me.
We got counts.
We're going to have like 100,000 views, maybe like 12 upvotes and 2000 downvotes,
but we still got the clicks.
Is this an episode of behind the clickbait?
Yeah, you should do that.
You should be like, Batista's cock exclusive footage from Stuber.
Speaking of clickbait, I got a question for you because we're still feeling
out this whole YouTube thing.
What's up with the YouTube thumbnails?
Why do they always have that like very certain aesthetic look?
It's like a clickbait thing.
You know, it's like that's like if you're doing a news story, that's your headline,
that's your attention grabbing headline.
You know, so it's like YouTube is kind of like the national inquirer,
you know, in a sense that they just put the most ridiculous
thing that you're most likely to click in the title and thumbnail.
And you can do it like that.
That just has never really been my style.
An attractive female and then she's just not even in the video.
Yeah, that's a good one too.
And then horny dudes are like damn tits.
They make it look like candy almost.
It's like very attractive, bright colors for kids.
But yeah, you know, you bring up a good point because the stuff that you do is
really well written, really well produced.
It's very different from a lot of other, I guess, YouTubers out there.
So like, was that a struggle for you to differentiate yourself?
Be like, yes, I'm a YouTuber, but I'm actually putting out quality content
that you might see, you know, on more traditional forms of media.
Yeah, it was because what I do doesn't really work that well on YouTube.
I mean, it did.
It's not like I didn't do well on YouTube.
But there was always this pressure from like my manager and just seeing what did well to
talk to the camera and, you know, do after the video, make sure to like and subscribe things.
And it was all these things that I just didn't really, didn't feel right.
But it was what I was supposed to do on YouTube too.
It was like little things you could do that would help.
But they just didn't feel right.
So it was kind of hard for me to find that balance of what I'm comfortable doing that
still works on YouTube.
And I honestly never really found it that that much.
Right.
I still don't really know what that balance is.
Yeah.
Which is one of the reasons I'm not really on YouTube right now.
Oh, okay.
But you have the real boys is.
Real bros.
Real bros, sorry.
I was watching it.
I was watching on YouTube.
Well, for season ones on YouTube.
Okay.
But season two.
Is on Facebook.
And season three will be on Facebook.
All right.
So I have a question about the real bros and the characters you write there.
First of all, you have a few guys you work with.
Do you guys all get together?
And Nick Coletti and the other name is Blaine.
I write the whole thing with Christian Pierce.
Okay.
Just me and him.
So yeah, that's that's who I write it with.
We wrote all 10 episodes last season.
So when you season one.
Yeah.
So when you write these characters, how much of they're like the character you write?
Is there like a little bit of truth in like you yourself?
Or is it just people you have noticed in Southern California that you're kind of riffing off?
Yeah, it's more the people in Southern California.
I wouldn't say there's any of me in like.
Not even a little bit because we do the thing where we make fun of sports fans and like how
stupid sports are.
But at the end of the day, like I am kind of a guy who's like, hey, like throw it to fucking,
you know, throw it.
The other guy, you know, in baseball or fight and hockey and shit like that.
As far as the problems and the things that they go through, most of the funny situations
we come up with are based on real experiences or to a certain extent based on real experiences.
But the mannerisms of the characters and the characters themselves.
Like I don't I don't relate to my character at all.
He's like the opposite of any of me.
But a lot of times I feel like if I'm playing a character, it's either a version of myself
or just the opposite version of myself.
It's either a stance that I like agree with or it's a guy that has a voice that I just
completely disagree with.
So is it weird when when people come up to you like in public and they're like they're
expecting you to be one of the real bros?
Yeah, I mean, honestly, though, I was talking about this with one of my friends the other
day.
People have gotten so much cooler since I first started off.
Like when I first started on YouTube, it was everyone thought I was the frat guy.
Right.
I made these frat videos and I made the mistake of calling myself just using my real name,
Jimmy, you know, I said to call myself fucking Todd.
Yeah, but instead I called myself Jimmy.
So it was like, you know, you come with me on the street, start treating me like on that guy.
I'm like, that's not really me.
And they'd be like, well, is your name not Jimmy?
No, it is.
Are you not in a frat?
Well, no, I'm in a frat with it.
Dude, it's different.
It's not like every other frat.
Jimmy in the frat, not frat Jimmy.
Totally different.
But no, we do get that a lot ourselves too.
It's like I have a lot of fun playing a douchebag sometimes because it's fun.
It is the most fun, isn't it?
Yeah, it's a funny character to play.
But people have since kind of, they kind of get it now.
I don't know.
It took me so long to just kind of get out of that being the frat guy in college.
Right.
And I didn't do, I mean, I haven't done frat videos and it's been so long now.
So it's like I'm so far away from that.
And I think people realize, you know, I'm writing these characters and directing
the show like I'm probably not that guy right at this point.
Are you going to do the thing where you go like 180 degrees in the opposite direction
and star in like a psychological thriller or just like a romance movie or something
like that to like shed off like get rid once and for all of the frat star thing?
I mean, I wouldn't say 180, but I am.
I am kind of trying to diversify my portfolio a little bit.
I don't only want to do comedy necessarily.
As far as acting goes, I'm down to being other stuff.
Just comedy is what I'm, you know, what's kind of getting me in the door right now.
So you're writing a screenplay.
What's it about?
Right.
Like, are you thinking, are you assuming I'm writing some kind of crazy?
Yeah.
Dark.
Yeah.
I mean, you said you either when you said you're diversifying your portfolio,
you're not just in a comedy.
I was like either he's buying a lot of Bitcoin or he's writing a fucking screenplay.
Ethereum, baby.
Yes.
Yes.
Now, I like with writing really, right now I'm still most, I'm just writing comedies.
I'll get to a point where I'm interested in writing other stuff.
I just, right now the comedy ideas in my head are all the priorities.
Right.
I just met more with acting.
Yeah.
Because acting is something I'm not going to say I care less about, but
you know, when it comes to other people's stuff, I'm down to come in and play a different
kind of character as opposed to writing it and dedicating, you know, a month towards writing
something.
Right.
How do you keep all the ideas in your head?
Like, do they just, how does a creative process kind of work for you?
I know that's a lame question.
Well, I have like probably like 1400 notes in my phone, like on the notes app.
Okay.
You want to read some?
I have some weird ones.
Do it.
There's some that I read and I'm like, I wrote that down at 3 AM.
Let's workshop it.
Let's see.
You know, I got a lot to do lists in here.
I wrote a note down this morning at four.
I woke up and I was like, oh, shit.
I need to write some notes because Jimmy Tatro is coming in.
Can I read you my idea?
Yeah.
You're going to hate it.
Definitely read me your idea.
It's very fratty.
It's, it's the notebook, but you guys are, it's a frat and a little sister of the fraternity.
And she has dementia.
No, no, you have dementia.
And she has to keep updating your cooler that she designs for you every week.
Yeah.
She keeps up to remind you how you fell in love that one time.
That's, that's good.
That's not bad.
Right.
It's not bad.
Okay.
He hated it.
Let's see.
That's all.
That's actually all I have.
I mean, we can, we can riff.
Yeah.
You want to riff?
When we have a movie that we're out in market to when you know Adam Sandler.
Yeah.
You know Adam Sandler.
So Zach Efron's attached.
Yeah.
Zach Efron's loosely attached.
Wow.
Yeah.
It's called boner dogs.
Boner dogs.
Yeah.
Boner dogs.
Zach Efron is loosely attached.
Yes.
We have discussed it with him.
And he said, sounds interesting.
Well, he was like, yeah, he was, yeah.
Actually, he was kind of.
He was really into it.
Yeah.
He was into it.
He looked us in our eyes.
Yeah.
That's what he did.
He was like, I can tell that you're passionate about it.
Yeah.
So I don't know if you want to get loosely attached, but actually you already are loosely
attached just by sitting here right now.
Loosely attached is a good name for something.
Yes.
Good band name.
We basically just pitch it to him.
Then we're like, now you're loosely attached.
Right.
Loosely attached.
Yeah.
I think I want to name a movie that or an album.
Yeah.
Maybe that's the movie.
You go around Hollywood and you just tell the movie script to people.
And then you go to the next person.
It's like a pyramid scheme for a movie.
That's like, have you seen movie 43?
No.
Dude, someone told me to watch that.
And I just threw it on last night because it was on Netflix.
And that's kind of what it is.
It's a guy explaining his movie concept.
And it's like about a movie that fucking is ridiculous.
They're all his ideas are crazy.
Like one of them is Hugh Jackman, who's like a bachelor guy and he's on a blind date.
And he takes his scarf off and he has a ball sack on his neck.
And it's him and Kate Winslet.
Like all the cameos are just A-list stars.
But it's like this sketch about him at dinner, like spilling stuff on his ball sack chain.
I was with my buddy.
He's like, what the absolute fuck are we watching?
That's great.
That's a great idea.
Making a movie.
Actually, we had an idea coming into this week.
This is at the tail end of Grit Week.
We do a road trip every year.
I wanted to make a TV show based on the movie Entourage.
What are your thoughts?
That took me a second.
I was like, oh, yeah, gotcha.
Take it from the big screen, put on a small screen, adapt it.
But it's not based on the TV show Entourage.
Yeah, it's not the TV show Entourage.
The movie Entourage, it's Entourage 3.
Would that be 3?
But it has nothing to do with the TV show.
I love what the problems were in Entourage.
If you think about, you watch the episode and you think,
what was the problem they had to solve?
And it's like, man, fuck Vince.
They want you to do Aquaman and this other movie.
But we don't know if you can do both.
And he's leaning towards not doing Aquaman.
It's like, wait, guys, we figured it out.
Vince can do both.
He's getting $50 million.
All right.
That came together.
And then you just like, and then you put in there,
like, turtle smokes a little weed,
Johnny drama fights with like a parking attendant,
and he gets mad at his girlfriend.
And that's the show.
You feel like you could just, like, you come up with a great,
I saw someone actually used to write, like,
entourage spec scripts as jokes.
And they were all so on point.
So, so on point.
Yeah, it's pretty good.
Like, Johnny drama gets caught jerking off in a new place.
Yeah.
And like, he has to smooth that out with the local officials.
Yeah.
It's pretty basic stuff.
But it works.
Eric shows up.
What the hell are you doing, man?
Yeah.
What are you, guys?
Guys.
I didn't think they could see me.
Is it two-way weir?
Ari's pissed off at his wife.
Yeah, because you won't do anal or something.
Like something super graphic.
Call Ari.
He's stressing, throws his phone.
Lloyd goes running.
Go to Vince on set.
Yeah.
Vince is having trouble finding his inner character.
He's finding his character because he's having too much sex.
Yeah.
You know, he's having trouble finding his character
because of all the sex he's been having with his new hot fling.
So, what's the move?
You're going to stop having so much sex.
Or are you going to find your character, Vinny?
Johnny drama shows up and he says something really stupid,
but it really resonates with Vince.
And he's like, oh, there's my character.
There it is.
He's trying to have all this sex and getting character.
Problem solved.
Problem solved.
Turtle's pissed off because his new girlfriend used to date
one of the other guys on the cruise.
Yeah.
Right.
He can't get over it.
And he's just been playing too many video games.
Fuck.
We should definitely do entourage.
Yeah.
You want to do entourage, the TV show?
Yeah.
Loosely attached.
You're loosely attached.
Entourage the movie, the TV show.
Yes, exactly.
I looked up, I did a lot of research on you.
I looked up your urban dictionary definition.
Do you know what it is?
Of Jimmy Tatra?
Jimmy Tatra.
The fucking man.
That's it.
Whoa.
That's a pretty solid urban dictionary.
That's pretty sick.
You didn't even get your chest shit on there.
Wow.
I only submitted that like two weeks ago.
So, the prize is already up there.
He used it in a sentence example was like,
who is Jimmy Tatra?
Answer.
The fucking man.
That's pretty damn good.
And then I also, I dug really deep.
I went back to your high school basketball career.
Oh, no.
So, did you know, I just googled your name
as on like the second page.
Yeah, that's okay.
I want to clear some things up here.
Okay, your math prep's good.
Let's get into it.
Do you know how many points per game you average?
Yeah, on there, I know what it says.
Okay.
Because people have brought stuff up.
It says 1.7.
I know.
I know.
It's pretty good.
But you may have noticed there was only two games clocked.
No, there were ten.
And they were both two bad games.
Right.
So, you were dropping.
I'm not saying I was out here averaging 20.
I didn't, my coach didn't really like me.
We had a, not a great relationship.
Wait, fact check.
I'm not, I'm not good at math.
But I'm thinking if there were only two games,
isn't that impossible to average 1.7 points per game?
Because I think it said there were ten.
Okay, fine.
There were ten.
I can't do that math.
Ten points total.
No, no, ten games.
1.7 points per game.
So, I know I've, because I looked into this,
because people brought this up.
I like told a basketball story.
About the time I scored, like, it was a game
where I had like 40 points.
People were like, we're all hitting me up.
Like, you're lying.
You only averaged 1.7 points a game.
And I was like, well, A, it was in a fucking tournament.
That doesn't count.
I'm referring to.
That's right.
That's right.
And B, they only clocked, like, maybe it was three.
I don't know.
There was.
Thumbs up.
Thumbs up.
Yeah.
It wasn't, I didn't average that much.
I average like eight points a game.
Okay.
What was your game like?
Who was it like?
I was the, I was a three-point shooter.
Oh.
But, like, my high, I didn't play much on my high school team.
Like clubs and tournaments and camps was what I had my time to shine.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
AAU camps through and everything.
ABC, the McDonald's All-American game, that's what you were in.
They didn't quite make it to the end.
They didn't quite make it to the end.
They don't count that on your max prep stats.
Yes.
Yes.
They don't, they don't count ABCD camp.
But, I was not there.
Like I said, it's better than Skip Bayless.
Yeah.
He had 1.4 points per game.
1.4.
There you go.
Well, I did have more, I did average more than 1.7.
I'm not saying it was a lot, but it was like closer to eight.
We're going to look into that.
That's pretty good.
I average zero.
All right.
So, before you sat down, I gave you a little heads up about this.
So, I have a long-standing phobia for California teenagers.
Okay.
And Southern California teenagers mostly, I think NorCal maybe two, I don't even know.
But it's the idea that in California, when you grow up, where you obviously grew up,
you are like 14, like banging melts, smoking weeds, surfing, and you're cooler than everyone
else.
And it feels like a lot of the culture and lingo of America originates in California.
Do you think that's accurate?
Do you think my phobia is real or is it totally made up?
Well, I feel like your phobia is more of the current 14-year-olds.
Oh.
Rather than when I was 14.
Okay.
Because shit is way different now.
Yeah.
Kids are, you know, vaping and jeweling.
So, you're scared of them, too.
Smoking weed in class.
Yeah.
I'm scared of these kids as well.
Yes.
These kids were not around when I was 14.
Right.
What was it seen like when you were a kid?
Well, I mean, when I was a kid, my life was, it was just very simple.
You know, like when I was 12, 14, like all I did was skate.
That's all I did, all that.
That's fucking cool.
That was just, I grew up.
I didn't, you know, we didn't have social media.
I didn't have a phone till like freshman year in high school.
So, all I did all day was I woke up and we just skated for like six hours a day.
Me and two of my friends.
It was like the fucking Jonah Hill movie in the 90s, honestly.
Yeah.
Like that was, and it was even like the way that squad was set up.
It was like, that was how my squad was.
There was the, I was the younger dude.
Everyone was like five years older than me.
There's one dude, AJ, the black dude, was like really good at skating,
like the dude in the movie.
And then there was the other kid who was more of like a kind of fuck around.
In my version, that kid wasn't as anywhere near as good as fuck shit.
Okay.
Right.
But like, and then there was that other kid who like Reuben or whatever.
Yeah.
He had that version of the kid who was like a tentative, kind of pissed off, shy guy.
Right.
Like it was just weird how that, how that movie was pretty,
that was like my life growing up.
I think you actually just described skate entourage.
Skate entourage.
Yeah.
Is that the, is that our show?
And then you were baby bro and you turned into the movie star.
That's exactly it.
That is exactly it.
But wait, so that's intimidating though, because you were just skating around is
like a 12 year old.
And if you were someone who like came out and visited LA and you passed your,
your crew, you probably fucking made fun of them.
And like, well, see, I was, those kids definitely partying.
I wasn't partying like that.
I was just skating.
Right.
You know, and then, you know, we'd go to, we'd skate to Venice Beach and before
they had the big skate park and it was just like a little, one little ramp and
then like a rail to grind.
And the cops would get called and you'd have to run.
Well, that would, that would happen when we were like at like a middle school or,
you know, skating around in like a playground or something.
Right, right.
Shopping mall.
So you think, so am I way off then?
I mean, I, I really do think that California is something about California.
When you're a kid, you're just cooler than everywhere else in the, I think maybe it's
the ocean.
I know what you're talking about.
Yeah.
I mean, I was intimidated by those kids too, growing up when you go to Venice
skate park and there's, you know, these 12, 14 year old kids who are just
unreal at skating and they're kind of dicks about it.
And you're like, I'm 25.
Why am I?
Why am I scared of this kid?
He's 12.
Why do I want this kid to like me?
Yeah.
Exactly.
Exactly.
I want to jump back real quick to Adam Sandler.
Where did you guys first meet?
Because he took a liking to you pretty early on, right?
Well, we only, we've only done one movie together.
Growing ups too.
Growing ups too.
Yeah.
But he saw one of my early videos.
I think Dennis, his director, showed it to him.
I went to school with his son.
So I would imagine that the son showed the dad.
The dad showed Adam is my guess.
Right.
I don't know for sure.
That should happen to us all the time too.
Where it's like a son of a someone powerful is like, oh, I like these guys.
Yeah.
If your dad's famous and you're listening right now, fuck us up.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I mean, that's might actually help.
That actually will help something.
Something will come up.
Hook us all up.
Right.
Yeah.
Because, you know, they listen to their kids.
Their kids know what's going on.
Right.
They base a lot of things they're doing off of their kids.
Right.
And you can tell in these shows that this writer didn't actually know what was going on.
He's just listening to his 12 year old son's interpretation of how the world is.
You know, his, his dad sat down and was like, hey, we're,
son, we're doing a movie.
Can you give me some tips on Instagram?
Yeah.
His son's like, well, hashtags.
He's like, well, hashtags.
Okay.
Throw in a.
Keep going.
Hashtag.
Okay.
Yeah.
It happens all the time in law and order when they're coming with,
they have like a fake app that they show that like a killer is using.
It's like, oh, this is snap face.
It's basically like to Bill Belichick names where, oh, look at this kid.
He's on, uh, he's on grinding.com.
You know, like that sort of thing.
Wait, we can connect all these suspects using hashtags.
Yeah.
What does that even mean?
What does that even mean?
Bot network is live.
Yeah.
Yes.
All right.
So you met Adam Sandler the first time where you like Starstruck or.
Yeah, for sure.
I mean, getting to set of grownups too was, uh, that was wild.
That was my first movie and I show up and it's, you know, Adam Sandler, David Spade,
Chris Rock, Kevin James, like all these comedic legends.
I'm just like, I was, I was shook.
Right.
And then I remember Adam kind of like, I showed up to set and, uh, Adam kind of pulled me aside
and was like, Hey man, nice to meet you and ask me questions about my YouTube thing and
just kind of chopped it up with him for a little bit.
And I remember walking away like that was fucking cool.
Like he knew who I was and was asking me questions about YouTube.
Right.
So that was, yeah, I mean, it was, it was just a great experience and it was just, uh,
really getting thrown ahead first.
And it wasn't like I started with, you know, an indie movie or eased my way in to seeing
the difference between YouTube and real productions.
It was like both ends of the spectrum right away.
I go from doing these little flip cam, frat videos to being on, you know, a huge screen
on like an $85 million comedy budget, which is nuts.
Right, right.
Can you go back to doing like the, the flip phone type videos or like the frat videos
after you've already been on the big screen, you're like, looked at as a legit movie talent now.
Like, is it going to be tough for you if you want to go back to YouTube and do something
like real, real low budget?
It really depends on what it is if that works with the kind of video, but generally speaking,
I'm not really trying to do anything with that looks,
you know, less than what I'm capable of doing at this point.
Like I want to maintain a certain level of production quality at this point and people
over the course of the YouTube career have gotten mad at me for that and been like,
this is too high production value.
Like, I don't like the production value of being this high.
What?
Yeah.
We wrestle with that like all the time because we've been around for forever and they're like,
you know, a lot of our friends like, I liked it when everything broke and it sucked.
You couldn't hear and the sound quality sucks.
I kind of like it when it's, when things work.
Yeah, it's like, I'm glad you appreciated that part of the journey, but it's our job to keep
growing and getting better at this and I have no interest in going backwards at all.
Yeah, if you did go back.
So like we used to do our show on Skype and the sound quality was garbage, like real trash.
On Skype, no.
Yeah, that's when we started.
You've been there and occasionally people would be like, man, I missed the Skype.
I missed when you guys would just like have a two second lag in between your sentences.
And I don't dance dog would be barking in the background and stuff.
And yeah, there is like a little bit of nostalgia for that.
But if we went back to it, you know, 90% of the audience would be like,
what the fuck is this?
This is trash.
What are you doing?
So yeah, I understand that.
I think that's probably smart.
Like you don't want to go back to something that's that is less than what you're capable of.
And it sounds like you have aspirations that are like beyond doing short stuff on YouTube too.
So I think that's probably just a healthy progression of your career.
I mean, I've always looked at YouTube as kind of a, I mean, a full time job for a long time,
but also like a resume, you know, all those sketches are on your resume.
It's almost like a reel for people to come and watch.
And the way I think about it now is if someone, you know, a director that might cast me on a movie
or a producer that might pick up a show on pitching, if they type in my name on YouTube,
I want them to be impressed by what they're seeing.
And I do care about, you know, the main priority with uploading something on YouTube is that
all the fans, all the subscribers are happy with it.
But the only difference in appealing to like casting directors or producers is just that
I just want it to look better.
Should be a win-win for everyone.
Right, right.
I have some lingo that I wanted to throw your way and tell me if it's cool or not.
Yeah, let's see.
Look, I'm already getting fucking, you're doing the thing where I just like,
I told you my deep dark fears and then you just throw me back in my face.
Yeah, just lingo.
That's your deepest darkest fear.
Tell me if we're still doing these things because I'm, I'm, I'm out of touch with everything.
Like the saw dude thing.
Our producers put us onto that like six months after it was cool.
Right.
And it, we wrote it hard for like a year.
It was awesome.
It was awesome.
It was so late.
So late that it was funny because we were like, like, dude, that hasn't been cool for a really
long time and we just want to be like, it's funny to not be in on the hype when it's hot.
Right.
You know, right.
It wouldn't be right.
Catch it way later.
Catch it way later.
And then bring it back and revive it.
We would be spotted as, as frauds immediately.
If we were like riding the actual wave, the fact that we're late, they're like,
okay, these guys are lame, but they know their name.
Yeah.
Comically, it's everything.
All right.
So I'll throw a couple out.
Hella, do we still say that?
That's always been a, a Bay area.
That's a North, that's a North California.
North California.
Stoked.
Stoked.
Yes.
I said stoked.
Okay.
Yeah.
You tell me also how many of these things you say, like in, in your,
I said stoked is, you know, I've always said stoked.
Is that, is that a West Coast?
You said stoked when you were like six.
Yeah.
I mean, you know, you landed that trick.
I mean, I was stoked.
Yeah.
You know, everyone came out.
All we did was do this all day.
It was great.
I was stoked.
Stoked.
Uh, what about clutch?
Clutch.
Yeah.
Okay.
Clutch has always been.
It's been clutch.
I've said clutch for a long time.
Yeah.
Post up.
Post up.
I don't say as seriously.
Some of these lingo terms I use, but not in like a serious way.
That's like something that your character in real bros would say.
Yeah.
Yeah.
He definitely says post standards.
Definitely says post up.
I say post up from time to time, but post up can be kind of douchey,
depending on the context.
Yeah.
Do you ever find yourself using like lingo that you wrote
for your character as a joke in real life and being like, damn,
like do you even burn?
Yeah.
Like you gotta be wary of that because you start saying things as a joke.
And that's how they start.
That's how you start saying things.
Right.
Yeah.
Right.
And then you're like, oh wait, now I actually say this.
Yeah.
Am I a douche?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Exactly.
What about Siebs?
Do you say Siebs?
Siebs?
Oh, I'm going to teach you something.
Siebs is actually real big in Australian Asia right now.
It's coming over slowly.
It's not big.
Strickland, you can ride this wave over.
OK.
When you just can't be fucked to do anything.
It's like you're just chilling out your place.
Siebs, huh?
Yeah, Siebs.
Can't even, I think it says for can't even be shitted.
It's an Australian thing.
Just means you can't even be on the ground.
I don't know if I'm going to hop on that wave.
No, you should, Don.
You should.
We'll see.
I'll see if it passes.
And if I'm looking at it and I still want to get on it,
then I'll make it.
You hop on it.
Good call.
Siebs.
Because it's going to be just a little fucking ripple.
You know what you're doing?
You're going to.
But I'm not going to paddle.
You're Siebs on Siebs.
I'm Siebs on Siebs.
Yes.
What's Steebs mean?
Steebs?
Yeah.
Steebs is, I recently found out the actual translation
is style with ease.
Oh.
But I always just knew it meant like if you have,
if you like it, if you land a trick and it's really smooth,
and it's just a guy on a skateboard who has a lot of style
or on a snowboard, it's just like, you know, if he just,
if he's just shredding, you know, buttering these landings,
the guy has Steebs.
Yeah.
You know, if he's just got his hands down,
not even needing to flail them on his tricks.
Steebs.
Steebs.
It's about rad.
Rad?
Rad is a less serious word, I guess.
It's like that's freaking rad, bro.
Right.
Okay, so that's mocking.
Sketchy.
Sketchy, yeah.
Sketchy is, you know, shady, something's up.
Yeah.
I went to that, I went to that thing.
It was, it was honestly kind of sketch.
Okay, my last one was, well, I have two more.
What's the difference between bro, bra, and bra?
Okay, bra is, that's the new modern 14-year-olds
that you're scared of.
Okay.
You know, that's bra is,
I'm not a big bra guy.
I hate the word bra, B-R-U-H.
H, yeah.
Hate it.
Yeah.
Bra, like B-R-E-H.
Or bra, oh no.
B-R-A-H.
That's a new one.
Bra, I also hate bra.
Okay, I didn't know that existed.
Bra, bra is like a joking, you know.
Is that bra?
Bra, yeah, it's bra, you know.
It's never, I'm never like seriously, like, what's up, bra?
Yeah, right, okay.
And then bro, I say bro.
Yeah, bro works.
I wish I said it less, but it's one of those things that just,
sometimes I start a sentence with it where I'm like,
bro, look at this.
And I'm like, I'm starting with bro,
but it just doesn't seem like I'm saying that.
The best is when you do it to chicks, and you're like, bro.
And you're like, wait, what?
What, dude?
Yeah.
I like going to chicks, dudes.
Yeah, yeah.
What about bra?
Bra, bra.
It's like South African.
Yeah, yeah.
B-R-I-H.
Yeah.
Oh, Saabar, bra.
What's up, bra?
Ebr, ebr, ebr.
That sounds Australian.
Slap, bra?
Bra, bra.
All right, bra.
What should go to handshake to dap somebody out?
It's the slap and drag and tug.
Oh, yeah.
Dude, no, you don't pound it.
I don't pound after.
I'm just, I just...
Do you snap it?
Oh, you're a snapper?
I'm a snapper.
No, I'm just a slap, drag, tug.
Okay.
No pound.
No pound after.
Now, put that away.
You change your handshake.
Because I feel like the tug is,
that's the period at the end of the handshake.
Yeah, that's good.
That's a nice little pull.
This is like having two punctuations on your sentence.
Yeah, that's true.
But then you blow it up.
Yeah, and then it's now your...
Yeah, then you just...
I honestly, I'm more of just a, you know,
fricking...
Oh, you're the slaps.
I'm a double slapper these days, you know?
I just fucking get it out of here.
I like that one.
I like that one.
Oh, my last one was,
what's the difference between a kickback
and this is from Real Bros,
which everyone should watch.
It's fucking hilarious.
A kickback in a party or...
A kick...
Okay, so a kickback is,
a kickback's more of a casual, you know,
like the amount of people we have here right now...
We're doing a kickback?
It could be a kickback, you know?
Maybe have like three more people,
but with an intention of drinking, you know?
It's more of just a chill sesh,
maybe have some music going.
It's not a full function.
It's not a party.
We're not, you know,
there's no dance floor at a kickback.
Yep.
The kickback is just more of a music talking kind of odd.
Okay, maybe...
The party is where you're opening up the dance floor.
You have a DJ.
Right.
It's a thing.
It's a function.
Once a red solo cup makes an appearance,
what is that?
Like, if there's beer pong...
It could still be a kickback.
Yeah, so you play beer pong at a kickback.
You can play beer pong at a kickback, for sure.
What's the amount of people that takes it
from a kickback to a party?
I would say once you go from,
you know, 15, 20 to 30,
it's starting to look like a party.
Yeah.
What's like two or three people just drinking
and listening to music?
Is that a hang?
I think that's a hang sesh.
Yeah, hang sesh.
You had a dog.
Maybe it's a kickback.
Yeah, maybe if there's a dog in the building,
it could be a kickback.
But I mean, this could be a kickback.
Okay, so we could be having a kickback right now.
We're kickbacking with Jimmy.
Chopped it up.
All right, that's all I had.
Do you have any other ones?
No, I think that's it.
This is fucking awesome, man.
Oh, you had a point one assist per game, too.
I forgot to mention that.
Oh, this guy, he's just trying to bring up.
That sucks.
Oh, no, listen.
I do have a listen.
You think this doesn't haunt me every day?
Yes.
You think I don't fool myself on Max Preps every day
hoping it changes?
Max Preps is such, it's the weirdest website in the world
because it's run by a bunch of 50-year-olds
keeping stats on like 14-year-old boys.
Yeah.
Dude, you should actually do that.
Like Mr. 3000, the Bernie Mac movie.
You should go back to high school
to try to up your.
Yeah, I was 7 and 2.0.
Yeah.
Did you see my Max Preps profile photo, though?
No.
I spotted the photographer from across the way
and it was like during a free throw and I just did this.
Yeah, it was ridiculously photogenic.
Smiling straight in.
And I thought it was so funny,
but it doesn't really translate.
It's just like, what is he doing?
Yeah, why is he looking at the camera in the middle of a game?
It's just funny, he's just like, what is this pose?
Is that what he chose for the basketball photos?
For his team photo?
That's what he went with?
Oh, man.
That's perfect.
All right, I did have one last question.
Seeky question, promo code take.
You get $10 off your Seeky purchase.
Cloud chasers.
Okay.
You hate them?
I don't want to hang out with them.
Yeah.
How do you spot a cloud chaser?
You can tell, man.
You know.
Are we cloud chasers?
No, I don't think so.
We would have tagged you before.
You guys would have taken some kind of video by now.
Oh, like when you walked in,
we would have been like, Jimmy's in the house.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You know, I would have walked in and you would have been like,
What's up, guys?
This is Jimmy the Scott here.
Jimmy's in the house.
And then you would have said what's up to me on camera
and then been like this.
All right, yeah.
Cloud chasers.
Cloud chasers.
What's your hat?
Yeah, what's your hat?
Follow me back, follow me back.
Okay, cool.
And then you would have been like, all right.
Cool.
What's up, man?
Thanks for coming.
What was that?
Yeah, what the fuck?
All right.
So we're not cloud chasers.
No, you're not cloud chasers.
I'm a cloud chaser a little bit with memes.
I try to get into memes real late and like you post the memes.
Yeah, I create the memes,
but I I purposely make them as terrible as possible
and like misrepresent what the actual meme should be.
And that makes its own meme.
So it's kind of like a second wave cloud.
Yeah, like we're saying so do like we're just now
getting onto the meme of like the guy turning around
and looking at the girl while his girlfriend's mad.
Yeah, I'm hearing more trend chasing.
Trend chasing.
Cloud chasing to me is you guys are just in it for the followers.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So we're not that.
Definitely.
Wait, but is it a trend chase when you can't even see the trend
because you're so far behind?
I don't think so.
Yeah.
It's like a.
It's like a new race.
It's like a new race.
That's called riding your own wave.
Yes, exactly.
It's like a fire hide or a fire truck goes by and we're a dog
and the fire is already being put out
and we're five blocks away.
We're still chasing.
We'll never get up to it.
Like three months ago we were really high
and tried to watch SpongeBob to make our own new memes.
It didn't really work.
Right.
But we were there.
But how was the SpongeBob?
It was the first time we'd ever watched it.
It was really good.
Stop.
You haven't seen SpongeBob?
No, we're a little bit older.
We're both 34.
Two years right behind me.
It's just a little bit like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles was us.
Okay.
You were SpongeBob.
I was SpongeBob, but I also never watched SpongeBob.
You know.
So there you go.
You just know the memes.
I watched like Pokemon.
That was what I cared about.
Okay.
How come SpongeBob is so much more meme-able than Pokemon?
Well, because I mean, don't get me wrong.
I would have watched the fuck out of SpongeBob if I had cable.
Right.
I was on channel two, four, five, seven, nine, 11, and 15.
You had the beach, dude.
What?
You had the beach.
Yeah.
The cable was right out in there.
Right out your backyard.
I didn't have it, man.
You were fucking out there doing Ollie's and shit.
Cooler than everyone in America.
Yeah, my mom was just anti-television.
Really?
So I was out there with a skateboard every day making,
making skate videos.
That really helped your creativity, though.
No, it was a weird way.
Yeah.
Because I had to come up with other shit to do.
Right, right.
Build forts out of boxes.
And now kids have Minecraft to build their forts on.
Go on.
What, what happened to that box fort?
It sounded pretty sick, dude.
I used to love making box forts with duct tape and boxes.
Oh, dude, that was the best.
Houses behind the couch and shit.
Yeah.
Did you have a creek?
No.
I would have loved to create a.
Creeks were awesome for fort making.
Heat.
Oh, man, I bet.
I remember, like, I think it was like probably 1992 that my family
got a new refrigerator and that was a big year for the box.
I remember a.
Huge fucking box.
Oh, that's a huge.
Huge box, dude.
Oh, huge.
That's like a, that's like a mansion.
Like you have, you can like do, you're like, hey, here,
come in the foyer.
Now let's go to the other part of the box.
You got everything.
No, that's the, that's the Hearst Castle of boxes.
Yes, yes.
That is, you can't be, you can't beat a refrigerator box.
Because the TV box is big, but it's too narrow.
Right.
Hang out in there.
Right, right.
Refrigerator box.
It's already built for you.
Yeah.
Are you kidding me?
Yes.
All right, Jimmy.
Thank you everyone.
Check out the movie coming up in July 12th.
Stuber, Stuber, Stuber.
And then also definitely watch Real Bros.
Cause it's fucking hilarious.
Real Bros.
To see me Valley season three.
Yeah.
Xander was what's going to happen with Xander.
Don't tell us a lot of things.
Maybe some kickbacks.
There's going to be kickbacks.
There's going to be a lot of things going down.
Oh man.
All right.
Thanks, man.
That interview with Jimmy Tatcher was brought to you by Quip.
You guys know all about Quip.
It's time for spring cleaning and Quip is the toothbrush
that will give you an easy way to start.
They're going to fix your brushing habits.
In just two minutes, twice a day, it can help you pave the way
to a healthier mouth and healthier mind.
And now the whole family can get refreshed with Quip.
The new kids Quip has the same two minute timer
and guiding pulses as our original version
with no childish gimmicks.
So they can brush just like a grown-up.
So for kids, the new brush is the same as our original version.
Just tweaked for size down mouths.
Kids are inspired to brush better and more often with oral care
that looks and feels like the products
that the adults in their lives use.
And they're proud to use Quip.
Help them develop a grown-up routine without childish gimmicks.
The kid friendly features like a small brush head watermelon
anti-cavity toothpaste.
By the way, kids toothpaste way better than adults toothpaste.
I love it.
I love this stuff.
And rubber grip handles and colors the little ones will love.
They have sensitive sonic vibrations for an effective clean
that's gentle on your sensitive gums.
Some people brush too hard and some electric toothbrushes
are too abrasive but not Quip.
And they've got that built-in timer that pulses every 30 seconds.
What does that mean?
It means that you clean your whole mouth evenly
because up to 90% of us don't brush for that full two minutes
or don't clean evenly.
They have a multi-use cover that works at a stand.
It mounts to a mirror.
So if you got one of those pedestal sinks,
you just put it right on the mirror.
You don't have to worry about cluttering up your countertop.
The multi-use cover slides over your bristles
to pack and protect your Quip on the go.
75% of us use old worn out bristles that are ineffective.
But with Quip, brush heads are automatically delivered
on a dentist recommended schedule every three months
for just five bucks.
It's one of the first electric toothbrushes
accepted by the American Dental Association.
They've got thousands of five-star reviews
that are all verified.
I love Quip and over a million happy, healthy mouths due to.
Quip starts at just 25 bucks.
And if you go to getquip.com slash PMT right now,
you can get that first refill pack for free.
That's your first refill pack for free at G-E-T-Q-U-I-P.com slash PMT.
That interview was also brought to you by Bird Dogs.
They don't want me using a script anymore.
I hardly ever did.
But you know what?
Going full-off script.
I love bird dog shorts.
I wear them every single day.
I wear them to the gym.
I wear them to the swimming pool.
Get a lot of great looks.
I found some bird dogs this morning
that I forgot that I had from last summer.
And it's such a perfect surprise for me
because I've got only like 10 or 11 pairs.
Now I've gotten even dozen.
Feels great getting up in the morning,
not having to worry about matching your underwear up
with your shorts, any of that stuff.
You don't have to plan out and head when you've got bird dogs.
You just pack one in your backpack for the gym,
throw one on your body, and you are good to go for the day.
They've got that built-in inner lining.
It's essentially underwear.
It's underwear and shorts all in one.
So you don't have to worry about doing all that extra laundry.
If you're like Big Cat or if you Hank yourself,
you have a little skid mark in that underwear.
Don't have to worry about cleaning that up
because it's all part of one thing with the bird dogs.
You just take them off, throw them in the laundry.
Easy, easy, easy.
I love bird dog shorts.
That is not an exaggeration.
They're probably my favorite product that we advertise.
So go to birddogs.com in a promo code take.
That's T-A-K-E.
Promo code take at birddogs.com.
They're going to throw in a free pair of nunchucks.
That's right.
A free pair of nunchucks with your pair of bird dogs.
The best shorts in the business at birddogs.com.
Promo code take.
Shut it down!
I like how Hank takes one.
Yeah, very impressive, Hank.
Yeah, so we just hit smelling salts.
We have our good friend, recurring guest, Hall of Famer.
You're in a Hall of Famer, right?
Nightclub Hall of Famer.
There we go.
Nightclub Hall of Famer.
You probably know that voice.
It is John Taffer.
He's got a bar rescue and marriage rescue now.
So you're saving people's relationships,
then you're saving people's bars.
You're saving people's bars,
saving people's relationships,
then saving people's bars every Sunday night.
That's why you and I need to talk, Dan.
That's it.
Our relationship is great.
Our relationship remains great.
But it's kind of funny because what you do on Bar Rescue,
for the most part,
you save relationships on there, too,
between partnerships.
No, it's really true.
There's about 30 bar rescues that had married couples
and they fight so much that it gets into the business.
So I wound up fixing the marriage
before I could fix the business.
So when the network came to me,
normally you pitch an idea to the network.
They came to me with this one and said,
you know, John, there's like 30 episodes
or like sort of let's do marriage rescue.
So there was no pilot or anything.
We just went straight to series.
Okay, so idea for marriage rescue,
when you go and rescue a marriage,
maybe the way to rescue it is have them open a bar.
That'll take them down for sure.
But seriously, I was literally about to say
that same thing, like that way you double dip
because you create their bar as well.
That you can then rescue later.
And then you rescue their bar.
This is self-rescuing, fulfilling.
I gotta hire you guys.
Ecosystem you got.
Jesus, we're just killing all our ideas.
You're just so fucking on top of this.
It's just unbelievable to me.
Like if you create a vanity at this table, it's unbelievable.
Yeah.
Maybe you do bar, yeah, you do bar building
with marriages that are doing well,
and then you build them a bar,
and then you revisit them and rescue the bar
and the marriage three years later.
You can do it with me?
Yeah, let's do it.
Absolutely, we just do it all.
You also get a little bit of equity in their marriage.
Yes.
Any kids, those are your kids.
I get the wipes every three weeks or so.
Those are work-makes.
You get the kids, you get the kids too, yeah.
All future earnings.
I just want to point out, it's a very special day.
Do you know what day it is today, John?
No.
It is June 7th, as we're recording this.
Yeah.
Do you remember what you were doing one year ago today?
No.
No.
The Washington Capitals were beating the Las Vegas
four nights.
And you and I were fucking each other pretty good.
Oh.
Game five.
You guys didn't tell me that about Vegas.
Well, yeah.
Oh.
You can get some equity if you want.
OK, nice.
Nice.
Nice.
But you and I went out of pretty good a year ago.
We did.
We did, and we had quite a battle.
Five games, a gentleman sweep in the Stanley Cup final.
I lost.
You won.
We lost.
We won, so we are going to do a bar rescue.
We are.
At some point, it's not that we've forgotten about it.
It's every time you're filming when we're traveling
somewhere else, every time we're doing something else.
So the schedules will align.
Hopefully this summer.
The blame is on both sides, actually.
Because there's been one that we weren't able to do,
and then there was one that we're like, we're in,
and then your people are like, just kidding.
That one's not happening.
So we'll figure it out.
Yeah, you know what happened, guys?
I got the flu and canceled an episode in season.
We would have just done the whole thing.
We would have done the whole thing for you.
Let us know next time.
No, I can't wait, guys.
We'll have a blast.
We will literally host the show.
Portnoy just did one with Frankie.
I know.
I know.
It did pretty good.
Yeah.
Went up against Game of Thrones finale.
And we did great by the way.
Yeah, I know.
I know.
It was crazy.
It was crazy to go down at all.
It was a tough night to go up against them.
But yeah, so we're definitely going to do it.
We're going to name our own drinks.
I don't even know.
Let me ask you this.
What would be the perfect drink for you, name?
I'd like to incorporate Mad Dog into my drink somehow.
My would probably be sit on the couch.
So the drink is just on my couch.
So I don't have to go anywhere.
So maybe the drink should be in some type
of a couch-shaped glass?
No, it's literally just served on my couch.
So the bar is just brings me a drink.
So what would the drink be called?
Something like what do you think?
How about Garfield?
Garfield.
The Lazy Fuck.
The Lazy Fuck is good.
The Big Cat Barca Lounger.
Yup, I like that one.
What about the PFT?
But T is T-E-A.
And it's Mad Dog and Four Loco.
I like that.
It's actually cool.
I like the...
Can you serve Four Loco?
I don't know.
Why not?
You want to serve Four Loco?
It's above my pay grade.
Remember they banned it after a while?
I didn't know that.
Because it was caffeine and booze mixed
and you can't do it to a certain level.
Also, energy drink.
They won't let you do that.
A lot of people try to put energy drink in booze.
You can't do that either.
What's...
Go ahead.
I was just going to have a question
because a lot of times, at least here in New York,
I don't know if it's just contained to the city
or if it's a worldwide phenomenon.
If I ask for a Red Bull at a bar or a Red Bull vodka,
a lot of times the bartenders,
they kind of turn up their nose.
We don't serve Red Bull here.
Wow.
I don't know why that is.
And then a lot of times it'll be like
we actually have Monster.
But they're looking down at people ordering Red Bulls now.
I don't understand that.
You know, it's interesting too.
Red Bull has predatory contracts.
Really?
So when you sign a deal as a bar with Red Bull,
they give you a few dollars.
They'll give you a DJ stand or some tables.
You've seen a Red Bull brand of tables and stuff.
But in the contract,
it says you are not allowed to do business
with any other energy drink.
Damn.
That's probably why they don't like them.
That's probably why...
Because they're really predatory.
OK, so here's an idea.
What if we start an energy drink called No Energy?
And it just says it's No Energy,
so then it's not an energy drink.
But it is.
And we can name that one Lazy Fuck, too.
Yeah.
Perfect.
We're on a theme here.
And then we scoop in when everyone's like,
hey, you got a Red Bull deal you can't get out of?
We'll come buy some No Energy.
Yeah.
That's how Red Bulls were successful, though,
was that approach.
That makes sense.
You know, they buy you in, so to speak,
and then lock you in.
Yeah, yeah.
OK.
Well, we're going to take down the energy drink world.
I think we should find a way.
Yeah, we can definitely do that.
That new one, Bang, which all the Instagram models are doing.
Uh-huh.
That's all we're going to do.
I like the PFT.
Yeah, the PFT is a great drink.
That's a good name for a drink, I think.
I don't know if I'm in love, necessarily,
with the Four of Locos now that I think about it,
because they changed the formula of it.
So it would have to be Mad Dog, and let's just say Old English.
Mad Dog and Old English.
A little Old English about it.
Old English about it.
Yeah, I like that a lot.
OK, so here's the deal.
We'll give somebody something to look forward to.
So we're going to create that drink together, you and I,
when you're on bar rescue.
OK, and we'll teach, as a mixologist,
I will teach the bartender how to make it.
I think that's terrific.
Yeah, you always shake up here, right?
Of course, and you've got to smile, by the way.
OK, so yeah.
That's actually a good segue to our Mount Rushmore,
because I bet you people would go to a bar just to have the PFT.
Probably.
Just to get hooked up on the PFT.
So we're going to do a Mount Rushmore of bar attractions.
Things that a bar has that makes you want to go to that bar.
Things that you're like, I'm going to go to this bar,
and I know I'm going to have a good time because of this.
It could be a menu item.
It could be a feature in the bar.
It could be anything.
You want to start?
Sure.
All right, so we're going to do a snake draft.
So it's going to go you, me, the PFT.
Then PFT is going to go twice and come back around snake draft.
Do you know a snake draft?
I know a snake draft.
OK, because a lot of people get confused.
And when I say a lot of people, it's pretty much just us.
OK.
Yeah.
So it's a lightning round, then.
Yeah, one time we got really high and got caught in the snake.
Got you.
We still have it.
You don't want to get caught.
Yeah, we couldn't figure out where we were.
I swear to God, it was actually in Vegas.
So we were stuck for hours?
We were stuck for a very long time in the snake.
We could not remember who started and who stopped it.
You legalized weed out there, and that presented
all sorts of problems, the least of which
is not being able to do a snake draft.
A little bit of a fog.
Has that, by the way, before you do the first pick,
has legalization of weed done anything to the bar industry?
It does impact the bar industry.
You talk about sitting on a couch.
Right.
I mean, typically you don't smoke weed and then go out.
Correct.
So it tends to keep you home.
So I think it has created some erosion in the bar business,
for sure.
All right.
And then what about, but gambling is the most states,
like Illinois just did gambling and weed in the same weekend.
I would imagine gambling would raise the bar business.
Especially if we can bring it into the bar.
Into the bar.
Now, what's great about Las Vegas
is you have all the gaming apps.
Right.
So you can sit in a bar and you can
bet on the apps in real time, which is very cool.
People will stay longer.
They'll stay through the fourth quarter
to make sure that over-under hits.
Absolutely.
Yeah.
All right.
So you go first.
Easy.
Sports on video.
Sports on video.
A sports bar.
A sports bar.
I mean, you know, it's interesting about a sports bar.
Sports will only fill a bar about 70 days a year.
Really?
And a lot of people think,
oh, but a sports bar, they come every night.
That's not true.
They don't come for every baseball game.
Right.
They only post-season.
They don't come for every NBA game.
They'll be post-season.
Even big hockey cities.
They don't come for all 80-some-odd hockey games.
Yeah.
So when you really put together the playoffs,
you know, the various things that only about 70, 80 days tops.
And it is.
You are right that, like, you,
if you're going to watch a big game,
there are only a few bars that you can think of
where you're like, you know the game's going to be on,
you know the sound's going to be on,
and you know you're going to be able to watch the TV.
Because there's a lot of places where it's like,
yeah, they might have two TVs.
If you're in Brooklyn, you have zero TVs.
But, like, a good bar where you know you can watch the game
is always, always high on the list.
You know what's interesting to me?
I never saw this.
I was talking about sports and bars.
You know, with Sunday ticket, which you guys know I created.
Yeah.
No.
Just a frag.
No big deal.
With NFL Sunday ticket, you know,
different bars have different teams.
Right.
Right.
So the Dallas game could be at one place,
whereas the Green Bay game could be at another place.
I always wondered why somebody or direct TV or somebody
didn't do an app.
Where if you're a Dallas fan, I can put it in
and find out which bar is showing the Dallas game.
Yeah.
So I could go to that bar.
Nothing like that exists.
Yeah.
Maybe I should create it.
They do do.
Wouldn't you do it if you were in the city
and you wanted to go see a particular game?
Yeah.
Because what happens is I just Google, like,
Redskins bars.
And then a bunch of things pop up
that they don't show the Redskins anymore
because they're a shitty team and probably always will be.
But I know that there are at least one or two bars
that are showing them, but it's not the classic Redskins ones.
And then I'm just stuck with my thumb up my ass.
Although I will say, when you go to a sports bar
on a Sunday morning, and my favorite thing that they do
is they'll put a piece of paper under every TV
for which games about to play.
When you walk into an empty sports bar on a Sunday morning
and you're like, I can set myself up anywhere,
that's the best feeling in the world.
Absolutely.
That's the best feeling in the world.
All right, I'm going to go with a good shuffleboard table.
Yes.
I love playing shuffleboard.
It is so much fun and a good one.
I'm not talking about the cheap shuffleboard table.
I'm talking about a real one.
Got to get the right amount of sand.
Got to have, you know, can't be too expensive.
A good shuffleboard table will get me at a bar
and get me to stay for a long time.
You know, it's interesting when you say that
because shuffleboard is not as popular as it should be.
I know.
And when I put them into bars, they do really well.
Yeah.
But you can do couples.
You can do double elimination.
You can do a whole bunch of stuff.
So I think that's a great call.
Yes.
Now, with the positioning of a shuffleboard table,
is it better to have them against the wall or out in the open?
Against the wall.
Yeah.
Because when you put it out in the open,
it creates too much dead space around it.
And up against the wall, it works fine.
I like a little bit more space off the wall.
You can't go right up against the wall
because if you leave a few inches, you have elbow room.
Yeah, you have to then switch with your partner back and forth.
But yeah.
And you know what really gets me is when people drop the weights
and you dent it.
Yeah.
Right?
So you really got to maintain the pop.
It's like a pool table.
You got to do it right.
Yes.
All right.
For my first one, I'm going to keep it very, very simple.
A popcorn machine.
Yeah, I had that written down.
I love a nice dive bar with a popcorn machine.
The smell too.
Nothing better.
Is it really, it sets the vibe.
Yeah.
Salty as hell, right?
Oh, yeah.
And that makes you drink water.
Of course.
Yes.
Yes.
I mean, this is how they get you.
I'm so dumb.
I just like the popcorn.
No, but you're right.
I had that written down.
That was my third thing I wrote down.
I'm probably going to take one of yours too big,
because now that you agree with this one.
By the way, PFT, you're working off your phone.
Yes.
He's working off of this.
I like a little ink under my tail.
No, I just, I'm very impressed by the preparation
that the two of you put in.
You're 40 seconds before.
Yeah.
You're going raw dog.
You watch from your brain.
Yeah.
But you also have a lifetime worth of information
of bar science stored up there.
Correct.
So yeah, you're at a decision.
Well, this is unfiltered John Taffer brace.
Like I've ever been filtered here before.
You're literally putting your mouth up to the tap.
When you're on this show.
My next one is turtle racing.
Ah.
It's a specific one.
Yep.
But there's a bar that I used to go to called Little Wood Rose
in Austin.
And it was so much fun because on Thursday nights,
they would have turtle racing at like six o'clock.
They'd get all these tiny little turtles that
have numbers painted on them.
They put them in the middle of a big circle
and then everybody bets on the turtles,
which one's going to make it out of the circle first.
And the entire bar stops what they're doing
and they gather around watching this.
And just like 50, 60 people screaming their lungs out
at baby little turtles.
Turtles.
So fun.
That's how I got addicted to gambling.
Mm-hmm.
I was 12 years old.
I went to a turtle race in Key West, Florida.
My parents brought me and I won a $100 bill.
And from that point on, I was addicted to gambling.
Yeah.
That's funny.
When I was running Barty's Beanery in Los Angeles,
California, I was a bartender many years ago.
And Woundstar came to California and they asked me
to do a TV commercial.
And a TV commercial was Armadillo races.
So they took us to the set.
They had all the lanes with Armadillo races.
And we let the Armadillos go and they didn't go anywhere.
So the producers come up to me and said,
listen to me.
You got to squeeze its balls.
Mm-hmm.
So you put your hand on top of the Armadillo
and there's like six of us.
And you stick your hand underneath it
and you got to squeeze the little guy's balls
so he takes off.
Which is not something you really want to do as a guy.
You can relate to it.
So you put your hand on top of him.
You squeeze his little nuts and then he pisses in your hand
and takes off.
There you go.
And I lost, of course.
But it always bothered me to this day
that I squeezed this little guy's balls.
Yeah, that's fucked up.
You want to apologize to the Armadillo?
I'll apologize to him right now.
OK, so if you're listening to Armadillo,
you got finger fucked by John Tapper.
We apologize, OK?
But you pissed on his hands.
Yeah, that's true.
You got the last laugh.
And then afterwards, you have to raise your hands
as if you won, even though you didn't.
As I raised my hand, the piss is running down my arm.
Armadillo piss.
I can't imagine that smells good.
No.
No.
Taking through the animal kingdom,
Armadillo piss has got to be up there
as far as the smell is.
But it has bothered me all these years.
Yeah, I did that.
That's why I'm happy you got that off your chest.
I do.
I feel much better now.
Thank you, guys.
All right, I'm going to go nice, easy, a great jukebox.
Nothing better than a great jukebox.
And I don't like, I know that everyone
has the digital jukeboxes now.
I like when it's an old fashioned jukebox,
because you know that people can't stray too far
from the bar's vibe.
And even if you hear the same song over and over again,
you don't care.
You know, obviously, it's got to be a really good one.
Like, you know, you go to a bar and it's old school one.
It's like, it's got all the classics.
But when you have the digital one,
someone could put on something that just kills everything.
To obscure.
Right.
To obscure.
Like maybe it's a chill vibe and someone puts on like,
you know, some like death metal or something like that.
But that's the bar operator, because you can regulate them.
You can.
You can override.
So he's not allowing the right songs to be selected.
Also, I can say these songs can't be played
during these hours.
Correct.
That's good.
So it isn't a box.
It's the operator who fucked it up.
OK, so that's good to know.
I do agree with Big Cat, though, that the vibe of having just
a normal jukebox is a little bit chiller.
It's a little bit cool.
Right.
I agree.
I like going up.
It's flippant.
You hit the button and it flips.
Yeah, the handwritten track listings.
Yeah.
And the other way you run into trouble
if you're using the digital jukeboxes
is that sometimes they have these apps
where people can order them and they're not even in the bar.
Right.
So we've got this friend, Clue Haywood,
that likes to play Go Cubs Go at St. Louis bars.
Which is a great move.
On repeat.
And he lives in Arizona.
Right.
And he just floods it.
Right.
So, yeah, I'll tell you, you can screw people that way.
You can.
And you can, with the digital one,
you can cut people in line.
You can pay extra, which I don't like.
Right.
Right.
That's not fair.
Right.
All right.
Your pick.
It's all about the money.
Yeah.
That's true.
That's true.
All right.
You have two picks.
Test tube shots.
Test tube shots.
Party time.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You, it is hard to turn down a test tube shot.
Yeah.
What's amazing about a test tube shot
is think about this.
P.F.T., you got a drink in your hand.
And I can sell you another drink
while you're drinking a drink.
Yes, shit.
So that's really cool.
Nothing else.
And then it's a test tube.
You can't put it down because it tips over.
Right.
So the minute you buy it, you got to drink it.
Yeah.
So you drink the drink in between the drink
that you're already drinking.
And then you've got a free hand again.
For another shot.
For another shot.
Yeah.
Damn.
Damn.
So that's a big thing down in New Orleans.
I always buy the test tube shots in New Orleans.
And they're fun, man.
The girls come over and they, you know,
they put on a show for you.
Right.
And sometimes they'll like put the bottom
into the test tube in their mouth,
put the top in in yours,
and then just kind of pour it in with their mouth.
Right.
Right.
OK.
That's probably illegal and sanitary.
That's a good pick.
You got another one.
Another one.
OK.
I will pick bubble machine.
Bubble machine?
Yes.
What do you mean?
Foam.
OK.
Bar's got to have women.
Yeah.
Music draws women.
More than products do.
OK.
A bubble machine and a festiveness of a dance floor
with a bubble machine.
OK.
Will create a party for women.
I'm trying to pick something that's not on your list.
Interesting.
Interesting.
I don't think I've ever been to a bar
with a bubble machine.
Now I want to go.
Does it make the dance floor slippery?
It can.
But you want to use the right materials.
You want to use a professional machine.
But that's a very good call because you can.
Yeah.
I'm looking out for liability.
Yeah.
I mean, you are right that if I saw bubbles in the middle of a bar,
I'd be like, I'm going to go dance.
It just it creates a party feeling.
Yeah.
OK.
I like that.
I'm going with for my third pick a great bottle beer selection.
I love when a bar has a bunch of different bottles,
not just tap, not just cans, because there's nothing like
drinking out of a glass bottle in a bar.
That makes it so if you know you can go there
and you can drink out of a glass bottle all night
and there's all kinds of it, because a lot of times you'll
show up to a bar and you'll be like, hey, I want a course
lighter, a Bud Light.
And it will just be, you know, they'll be like,
will we have it on tap or a can?
Or a plastic can.
You know you're going to consume roughly two thirds less beer
when you drink out of a bottle.
Is that true?
And I'll tell you why.
When you drink out of a bottle, I don't hate it or like it.
I just want to explain this.
When you take a draft beer and you pour it,
or when you pour a bottle into the glass, the CO2 dissipates.
When you drink from the bottle directly into your stomach,
the CO2 dissipates in your stomach.
So it bloats you and for every beer you consume,
your body takes about a bottle and a half in capacity.
OK, now does it give you more gas if you drink a bottle?
It does.
If you drink it straight from the bottle, it bloats you
and it gets, because all the gas is dissipating in your stomach
rather than in the glass.
Interesting.
So you will drink less beer if you drink it in a bottle.
OK, maybe I like it, because I'm kind of a wimp now.
You don't need to drink any more beer then.
I think you've had enough.
No, I don't.
Yeah, I've stopped.
I still have weight.
My problem is whenever I go to a bar,
if I have the option of having a Bud Light bottle or Bud Light
pint poured for me, I always take the bottle
because I know what it's going to taste like.
Right.
I know I'm going to get the standard consistent Bud Light.
If I'm ordering a craft beer that's local,
I might go ahead and go for the draft option on that.
But with a Bud Light on draft, you're playing with fire,
because a lot of times you get a beer line that's not cleaned out.
Right, pressure's not right.
That happens.
And it throws your whole night off.
Also, it's great.
Having a bottle in your hand, it's
very nice to be able to walk around and talk to people.
Where if you have a draft, you can spill on.
But you can have your cake and eat it too.
If you want to drink a lot of beer tonight,
get the Bud Light bottle, pour it into the pint glass.
No, see.
Gas dissipates, drink it out of the glass.
That's not a bad point.
And you can get the same effect.
Also, a cousin to the great bottle beer selection
is I need the bar to have buckets of beer too.
I need to be able to order buckets for the table
so I don't have to get up every single time.
Do you like the little pony bottle sometimes?
I love the pony bottles, because it makes me feel like Andre
the Giant.
No, seriously.
The little can's too.
Yeah, I'm like, oh, man, I'm a big man.
And then I'm like, I crushed eight beers tonight,
and I really had like two and a half.
But it makes me feel really strong.
I don't know why I thought about this,
but years ago, I saw Shaq pick up a pint glass.
And Shaq picking up a pint glass,
PFT is like, you picking up a shot glass looks exactly the same,
because his hand is so freaking big.
Right, right.
Yeah, that's how I feel.
I'm like, man, I could defeat anyone right now.
All right, PFT, you got your final two.
OK, I'm going to go with Sigs Inside.
Smoking in a bar.
Smoking in a bar.
Now, this is not an every night thing that I would want to do,
but I love knowing which bar that I can go to in a town that
has cigarettes allowed indoors.
It's something, it's very luxurious.
I feel like I'm on a very expensive cruise ship.
If I'm inside a trashy ass dive bar,
I'm allowed to light up a cigarette inside and blow
my smoke into the ceiling.
Yes, feels great.
Yeah, I get that.
You know, for smokers, so you need smoke eaters
and the right equipment, so that because too much smoke
even bums you out as a smoker.
That's true.
So you've got to have the right circulation.
If you set up a bar for that, it's perfectly cool.
Yeah, my last one, this is a pretty easy one actually,
just dogs.
Yeah, dogs in a bar.
Yeah, I love dogs in a bar.
It's always funny to see a dog sitting at a bar.
It's just funny.
It is, especially the bar rescue episode where
the dog was actually nicer than the owner.
Yeah, I mean, that's pretty much every dog.
Yes, yes, I believe it.
I believe it.
Pretty much every dog.
That's a good one.
All right, that's a good one.
Where do you stand on bar stools?
Do you like them having backs or no backs?
OK, I'm going to get myself in trouble here.
Here's the demographics of a bar stool.
When you have women over 34, you put a back on a bar stool.
OK.
When they're under 34, you don't.
And the reason why is over 34 women
get very sensitive about their asses.
Oh.
Well, it's work for guys, too.
It starts to bulge over the sides.
You know what I'm saying?
The daddy might have gotten there a little sooner
than you did.
Right.
But the fact is, over 34, you start to consider that.
And you put backs on it.
Under 34, I want you to spin around for interactivity.
It's not so I wouldn't.
I like that makes sense.
I like the back on it.
Because a lot of times I like to slouch at a bar.
Comfortable.
Yeah, lean back a little bit.
But also, there's a difference.
In a bar, sometimes I'll put backs
where tables I might not to create more interactivity.
If it's a kind of bar where I want you to stay for a longer
time, I'll put a back on it.
Like a sports bar.
You're watching a game for a long time.
You want to have to lean back.
There's a lot of considerations.
But that demo is a big one, too.
OK.
All right, my last one is live music.
Not too loud.
But I don't think you could ever go to a bar with live music
and walk away from that bar, not being like,
I had a great time tonight.
Because it's just something about it.
Well, live music energizes a room.
But on the other side of the fence,
a live band is either too heavy for the light stuff
or too light for the heavy stuff.
So PFC United, basically our last two picks,
we just basically described this bar called
the North Side in Atlanta, which we spent a couple nights
in Super Bowl Week.
And we just basically described it.
It was smoking it, bottle beers, and an awesome live band.
So yeah, that's pretty much the best part.
But that's a great party right there.
Yeah, it was.
It was a fucking awesome place.
It was kind of like a dive bar.
It was a very divey feel.
They had bottles, cans.
I pissed in the backyard.
Yeah, bathrooms, actually.
You know what?
I'm going to throw a little curve ball here.
At times, I prefer a little bit of a trashy bathroom.
Yes.
Really?
Yeah.
You want to get a little odor when you walk in?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
No, you're not saying, you're not saying like a dump
in the toilet.
No, I'm not saying a broken graffiti.
Yeah, I'm talking about graffiti.
Oh, sure, I got you.
Talk on the walls.
I'm talking just like kind of diving.
Broken mirror.
Yeah, very diving.
Yes, yes.
Maybe that old school thing that you used to dry your hands
where it's just one big rag.
Oh, the loop.
Yeah, the loop.
Yeah.
It's so disgusting.
So disgusting.
But that is cool.
What about it doesn't move anymore?
She's got to use the last guys.
It's so fucking gross.
But it is like a cool vibe.
I made a mistake when I was down in Miami.
I let a friend of ours know he's the producer of the Lebatard
show.
I let him know that I like dive bars,
and I like kind of trashiest bathrooms.
And the entire rest of the week, he
kept sending me pictures of bars that he had been to in Miami
that had the worst bathrooms.
So probably 30 pictures of just toilets on my phone.
So if anybody goes through here, they're like,
what the hell is the matter with you?
You're a toilet guy.
Sometimes we build these bars, and the guy's bathroom
is like a freaking outhouse.
But the girl's bathroom is a fucking palace.
That's OK.
Yeah, I like that.
Same place.
You wouldn't even know you were in the same bar.
But there's a difference, because you and I
are cool with the trashy bathroom, but they're often not.
Right.
Right.
All right, what is your last pick?
Oh, boy, my last pick, I would go with music and energy.
But I'm going to go for something.
Let me think for a second.
I'm going to go with quick, easy food.
Ooh, like it.
So if you want something, you get it quick.
OK.
So there's nothing worse.
I'm picturing a bar you guys are at in Atlanta,
and you want to order some chicken wings or something.
You don't want to get into 25 minutes to wait for them
and all that.
So to me, the greatest food in a bar of all
is a five-minute menu.
Order now comes out right away.
Williams, when they do free pizza.
Yes, I was about to say that bar.
It makes a big difference.
That's a great bar.
If you had to wait a half hour, you probably
wouldn't have gotten it.
Yeah, you go to a window, and they
give you a little personal pizza.
It's awesome.
What's that bar called?
It's called Alligator Bar.
Yeah, I've been there a couple of times.
It's awesome.
Yeah, because you don't have to sit down.
You can, you're like, hey, I've been drinking for a while.
I want a little slice of pizza.
Boom, we're right there.
What do you think about a food truck at a bar?
Yes or no?
You know, we've done it on Bar Rescue.
And what we've done is we've connected it to the POS system
in the bar.
So I put a printer in a food truck outside,
and the employees have a tablet inside.
Oh, nice.
So they can order the food so you can go out and pick it up,
or they'll bring it back in for you.
Nice.
We do it all the time.
I like that.
I love that.
We go to Bar Rescue.
What's cool is you can have different food trucks,
different days, and if you cut a deal with them
that every Thursday is this truck,
every Friday is this truck, there's
a reason for you to come back.
That's good.
So we'll do the things that we miss the list, right?
Like the honorable mentions.
One of my honorable mentions, there's
certain bars in Chicago where they let the tamale guy come in.
Late night, guy comes in with just a big cooler of tamales,
and it's like $5 for three tamales.
That's huge.
Knowing that tamale guy is going to show up is huge.
I also used to do these things where I'd make 100 hot dogs,
and I'd put them in a foil, and envelopes like they'd do
in a ballpark with a mushy packet,
and I'd send a girl, and she'd stand up in the bar,
and she'd just start throwing hot dogs in the crowd.
I would go to that bar.
And I would do that every night, at like midnight.
Yeah, that's the bar.
Each hot dog would cost me literally like $0.27
for the whole fucking thing, envelope, and all.
But it was just people would come.
Sometime tonight, the hot dogs are coming out,
and it's like a bird nest.
Yeah.
I'd do that with free t-shirts.
I was going to say, it's like a t-shirt cannon
at a ball game.
You get a $0.27 hot dog, and you feel like you
won a million dollars.
Absolutely.
Now, do they make a hot dog gun?
Like they have a gun?
No, that would be freaking cool.
I have pretzel rods.
I love pretzel rods at the bar.
Just sitting there.
Just pretzels hanging out in general.
Pretzels just somewhere.
Yeah.
Buttfunnels.
Of course.
Double buttfunnels.
Triple buttfunnels.
Triple buttfunnels.
Have you done a triple buttfunnel?
I've done one triple buttfunnel on Bar Rescue.
And did it work?
It worked.
What about, of course.
I'm sure somebody got laid somewhere out of the day.
That's a stupid question by me.
Of course the triple buttfunnel worked.
What about Christmas lights?
Christmas lights?
Ooh, that's good.
Festive.
It's great for a dive bar, because it really taxed it up.
We're just describing dive bars.
I'm giving away my preferred method of drinking here.
Fire pit, probably a big hazard.
But an awesome patio.
Just a really awesome patio is always a plus.
Like a backyard patio is great.
What about the missed fans for the summertime?
Oh, I like that.
That makes a big deal.
We don't like it, because it frizzes up their hair.
Oh, yeah.
But no, it cools it off a lot.
What about a live lobster catch?
You know, a throw net off Bar Rescue.
I know.
And it's one of my favorite episodes.
You know why?
Taffer has lost his mind.
This live lobster catch is awesome.
You ever listen carefully when you drop something?
No, I'm not.
Don't stop.
Just let me.
No.
At least not.
And a hot water goes quick.
God damn it.
I love that.
Because they put the lobster in.
I know.
It was bad.
It was bad.
The fricking sufferers went on.
The tank sucked.
And yeah, I get it.
But it was like the one and only time I've seen it.
And I was like, damn, that's cool.
It's a little like the Armadillo, which is sort of bummed me out.
Yeah, no, I agree.
You made the right call there.
I like having enough dartboards.
Because if you only have one dartboard, that's a problem.
Yes, it's a big problem.
And you need the old school dartboard.
But if you're going to have dartboards,
you've got to have at least one pinball machine.
And here's why.
When people are waiting to play darts, they'll play pinball.
OK.
And the incidence of play on pinball games
is much higher when there's dartboards nearby for that reason.
Yes.
I did that last weekend.
There you go.
I literally did that last weekend.
And the same thing with the pool table.
When you're waiting for a pool table,
you'll play some pinball as well.
I don't even play pinball.
I don't even play, it was a pinball machine, not fun.
For Lord of the Rings, a movie I haven't watched.
And I was just waiting for the dartboard to open up.
And I played three games of pinball.
Yeah.
That's what I'm saying.
So there's a lot of logic to that, Mattel.
Dartboards are great.
The problem with dartboards is, well,
you can't do the fake dartboards.
You have to do the real ones.
And then I feel like bars just don't do a good job
of taking care of their darts.
You'll get a dart that has a screwed up feather.
Or yeah, you'll get two when you need three.
But you're not going to do anything
if you don't do it properly.
A professional dart lane has the lines.
Yep.
Has a drink row next to it for resting your drink.
Nice chalkboard.
People aren't walking in front of you.
Of course, you've got to do it right.
Yeah.
If you do it right, you'll get leagues
and you can make a lot of money on it.
Having enough chalk is a big one, too.
Yeah.
You can't go in and get the little pebble,
and that's all that there is left.
That's a nightmare.
The worst.
All right.
Did we hit them all?
I think we hit them all.
I think we did pretty good.
Yeah.
So John Taffer, it's always great having you on.
We appreciate your support of us.
And check out Bar Rescue, Marriage Rescue, Bar Rescue.
He's saving lives.
He's saving lives.
Has anybody ever thanked you for saving their life?
Oh, yeah.
You know what's really cool, and I've never said this before.
In Bar Rescue, we wear our microphones in our chests.
So when I get that hug on the end,
you don't hear anything, because our microphones
are up against each other.
And someone says.
The stuff that they whisper in my ear.
Frito, I knew it was you.
No, no, just thank you, man.
You saved my life.
You saved my family.
Wow.
My wife is.
Those little things, and unfortunately, nobody gets to hear it,
but it really freaking inspires the hell out of me.
Yeah, very nice.
That's awesome.
One last question.
Have you been back to the O-Face?
No, I haven't.
I wonder how sick's doing.
How's Sick doing?
I hear from Sick every once in a while.
He was working at another bar.
He was a good guy.
He's working at another bar.
I haven't heard from him in a while,
and I know he's doing well.
I've even heard from six parents once or twice.
But the owner of O-Face went to jail.
The guy or the girl?
The guy.
Went to jail for harassing an employer.
So it doesn't surprise me, but it sort of volitified me
not doing it, because it proved the dick that he, in fact,
was.
Absolutely.
All right, John Taffer, thank you as always.
We appreciate it.
And tune in sometime in the future.
We will be on a bar rescue.
You will, guys.
We'll work on it for this summer.
Yes.
Sounds good to see you both.
And now for something completely different.
OK, it is that time of the week.
We have our intern, Jilly Football, in studio.
The Jilly Beans.
Let's start there.
So you now have your own personal beehive.
Beyonce has the beehive.
You have the Jilly Beans.
I do.
Do you understand the type of power you now wield online,
knowing that the Jilly Beans will do your bidding for you?
Yep.
And they better start doing it now.
Oh, wow.
She's ruling with an iron person already.
Who's the first enemy?
Pete.
Let's fucking smell like Pete.
I can't believe what Pete did today.
PFT, Pete said that he didn't care when his kids were born.
And Jilly.
What do you mean by don't care when his kids were born?
He wasn't that good of a day.
He said it wasn't the best day of his life.
It was just like another day.
Another Tuesday.
Now they're here.
He said it actually sucked.
He actually said it sucked because he
had to sleep on like a chair.
He probably, yeah.
He was mad because he had to miss work
to go to his kid's birth.
You know what you need?
He'd rather watch TV.
Right.
For your Jilly Beans, you need an emoji that
signifies that the Jilly Beans are swarming.
So like when the Bayhive does it,
they do like all the bees or sometimes the lemons
for the lemonade.
What can the Jilly Bean emoji be?
Let's go through here.
I was looking.
There are no Jilly Bean emojis.
Yeah, but there's got to be something
that looks like a bean, right?
Is there a bean emoji?
I don't know about that.
Maybe we can have everyone.
Let's see.
There's the David Bowie emoji.
That'd be kind of cool.
I feel like you're a big Bowie.
I don't know what that is.
Oh, what about these little tinkerbells?
Tinkerbells would be funny if the Jilly Beans unite
and you have little tinkerbells coming after you.
Jill is now, by the way, for people who aren't watching.
PFT and I are looking through our emojis.
Jill is just holding her phone pretending
to look through her emojis.
Because the word Wi-Fi.
Yeah, I knew that's what you were doing.
You were holding your phone up like,
this is what we're doing now.
And I'm looking right at your phone
and you don't know how to get them up.
The grapes look like they could be jelly beans almost.
Oh, OK.
Maybe that will be what we do.
Some grapes.
Grapes.
Do you like grapes?
You want to get the grapes going?
You know what grapes end up being?
Wine.
That's a sheesh.
That's a sheesh.
Yeah, a sheesh.
OK, well, we'll find one.
Listen, after everyone listens, let's crowd source this.
People can come with what they think
would be great for the Jilly Beans to assemble.
Who came up with the idea of Jilly Beans?
I did.
It's great.
That's been her nickname forever.
It's been my nickname forever.
Jilly Beanie Weenie.
Jilly Beanie Weenie.
So do you have anything?
So we're taping this on Monday right now.
So we're going to put it out on Friday.
Yes.
So you haven't been able to listen to Wednesday's show
just yet, but you did listen to Friday's show
and you listened to Monday's show.
Do you have anything that you're not mad but disappointed
at us for?
Well, I'm not mad.
Disappointed.
Yeah.
Who is this guy that eats the bugs?
He's a guy online.
We don't know him.
We don't know him.
Yeah, are you sure?
It might be a bear.
He's not like one of you, but OK.
Well, we don't know for sure.
It could be a bear.
It could be Hank, too.
But it's an anonymous account.
Aha.
Well, you got to worry about those.
Yeah.
Well, as a mother, what would you do if one of your children
was like, hey, mom, I've been eating bugs my whole life?
But he started eating ladybugs.
Yeah.
Well, no.
You don't eat ladybugs.
It's a gateway, plus oxygenistic.
Yeah.
Ladybugs are luck.
They're good luck.
It's true.
However, but then, you know, you did OK, go.
But he has had good luck because he basically
has been eating bugs his whole life
and he hasn't been bitten by a spider until just now.
So the luck has been great.
Maybe it's because he stopped eating his gateway bugs
and has gone on to bigger things.
Well, he got what he deserved.
He did.
He did.
Finally, the bug bite back.
Yeah.
What about this?
How about I feel like you have a keen skeptical mind.
And in a case like this, with the person
that's eating the bugs and the spiders,
I've heard some feedback that it might not be a real thing.
So sometimes people post these things online
and they just make them up to get a response.
Because somebody said that the daddy long legs,
they don't build a web and that they don't have long enough
fangs to puncture skin.
So it might be fake.
So if you see any of these stories online pop up,
I want you to kind of raise the red flag
if you see something that doesn't look right,
something that doesn't add up, and just be woke for us
and just let us know that, hey, that was a cool story
you guys told, but I don't know if it's true or not.
OK.
Can you do that?
I can do that.
But let's go on if it's true or not.
OK.
What about this eating shit?
What about it?
What about it?
Do you eat shit?
And explain.
Oh, yeah.
Explain.
Yes.
I do that.
Well, he doesn't.
I do have a shitting grin on my face right now.
Well, I love the shitting grin.
That always works.
Who told you that I ate shit?
He looked just like the show.
I listened to the show.
Yeah.
And you did not respond.
Yeah.
Which actually was opposite.
So he didn't respond because I don't think he actually
ate the shit, but he says he did eat the shit.
So this is what we're debating right now,
is I am standing on the table saying that I ate shit,
and Big Cat saying, no, you didn't.
It's because your response was very slow.
So flashback about a year.
I may have said that I would eat horse poop
if the Washington Capitals won the Stanley Cup.
Now, at the time, in my defense.
Actually, it was just to beat the Penguins,
which was our second round.
Which was our Stanley Cup at the time.
So in my defense, at the time, I just kind of agreed to it
because I was hungover.
I was upset.
I was just getting back from a long trip.
It's like excuses.
And they were taking advantage of me.
In my weak brain at the time, my brain
was about two hours of sleep.
And so it was a weak brain moment.
I agreed to it, but being a man of integrity and honor,
I ended up going up to Central Park, picking out
the nicest, juiciest, Cloudsdale nugget I could find,
chowing down, and Hank saw me.
But not really on camera.
So we don't know that, if that's for sure.
Well, never mind.
He turned his back.
Only Hank and I will know.
And to be fair, I washed my mouth out right afterwards.
And poop is actually sterile.
So it's good.
So are you saying you don't want us to do that?
Not mad, disappointed if any of us were to eat poop?
Well, I'd be disappointed if you didn't record it in some way.
Yeah, good point.
I mean, you know, I'm not mad, but disappointed
because seeing is believing.
There's a good point.
We can find the video.
We'll show you the video.
I thought for a second, are you upset that I lied about eating
shit, maybe?
Which would you rather, me not eat shit and say that I ate shit
or me eat shit and say that I didn't eat shit?
Which lie would you rather I tell?
I don't want you to lie.
Yeah, OK.
Well, I'm not lying.
OK.
You're not lying.
You did eat shit.
I ate Clyde.
Define eat.
That's not Clyde stales anyway at Central Park.
I don't know what horses are.
Have you ever seen the Budweiser Clyde stales?
Yeah, those are beautiful majestic.
Define eat because I definitely put it in my mouth and chewed.
You chewed?
And then, yeah.
Oh, I would have like an oyster just.
No, I didn't swallow it.
Damn.
I'm spitters or quitters.
I just spit it right back up.
Oh, all right.
So that counts.
Yeah, I think that counts.
All right.
So what else is there anything else
that you're not mad but disappointed in?
No, I could go back and we could do a little bit of I
was not mad, a little disappointed in, but not you guys.
Yeah.
In your listeners.
Yeah, careful.
About the lacrosse.
And I thought they were a little sensitive.
I thought we could bust chops here.
But you know, Paul's now my new BFF.
OK, Paul Rable.
Yes, he's, you know, all is good.
Lacrosse is fine.
I'm just, but I'm Jilly football.
I'm not Jilly any other sport.
Right, right.
So I was just a little taken aback.
Well, they want to defend their territory.
And they should.
And they they did.
And I think all is well.
And I'm not going to bring it up again.
OK, you're not going to bring up the fact
that lacrosse is not a real sport again.
I guess I won't.
Yes, never.
You won't.
You know, I'm from the West.
We didn't play lacrosse.
Right.
There was nothing.
It was football.
All you were saying is you wish that it was Zac Efron.
Of course.
Of course.
Of course.
He's dreamy.
He is dreamy.
All right.
Do we have our license to Jill?
We do.
All right.
Let's do it.
License to Jill to end out the week.
OK.
Hey, really, Jilly.
I love these.
What is your go to food to cook for the family on holidays?
Oh, great question.
Every day is a holiday in our house.
Whoa.
Cake every day.
Cake every day.
Every day.
Cake and pie.
Pumpkin pie.
OK.
Who cooks anymore?
That's a good point.
So every day is a holiday, but no cooking.
I gave up cooking.
You know, now they all, you guys eat differently
than what we grew up with.
We eat seamless.
Seamless.
Oh, I discovered seamless.
Postmates.
I'm sorry.
Postmates.
Oh, I don't know postmates yet.
But I discovered seamless.
So what did you?
What did you use to like?
What was Jill's famous dish?
Oh, penny alavaca.
Nice.
Alavaca sauce.
Can you make it some more?
Very underrated.
I can always make it.
Wait, you just baked Hank for his birthday.
You cooked cookies.
Oh, I like.
He never ate them.
But I did.
Yeah.
Interesting.
You should just throw them away,
because they're not good anymore.
Hank's very picky.
Damn.
Hank, how could you do that to Jilly?
It's true.
There was so many.
I ate like 30 of them.
Yeah, right.
OK.
So you're a baker, not a cooker.
No, I used to cook.
But no, baking.
You can just throw everything off the counter,
clean it, and bake.
That's what I like.
All right.
Relaxes me.
OK, next one.
What was your, oh, what was your first time being drunk
like and what happened?
Well, how would I know what happened?
Yeah, true.
You blacked out.
You rage.
And it was a long time ago.
It was probably southern comfort.
Oh, I started drinking southern comfort and Coke,
then southern comfort and seven up,
and then just straight southern comfort.
Oh, my God.
So we used to drink, though, during football games.
We'd have peppermint schnapps, and every time
we'd have a touchdown.
Whoa.
Yep.
We got a party with Jilly.
The UNLV football team.
Get on every ball.
The UNLV football team.
Sounds fun.
OK.
Back in the Ron Meyer days.
All right, next one.
OK.
When you're enjoying a glass of wine or two,
I don't know, how dangerous are you?
And what's your go-to drinking song?
I have so many.
I can, you know, my latest song is something
you guys would never know.
Try me.
It's called.
Black Eyed Peas.
Let's go.
Oh, no, we don't say.
Let's get it.
It's a long way to Tipperary.
I walked right into that one.
Oh, yeah, it's a long way to Tipperary.
After a Monday show, I walked right into that one.
God damn it.
A long way to Tipperary.
A long way to Tipperary, yeah.
It's a long way to Tipperary.
It's a long way.
To come home.
It's a nice Irish drinking song.
Yeah, it is.
It's a great Irish drinking song.
So, you know, I don't drink Guinness,
but I do enjoy my Irish coffees.
So you just load it all the time?
I like nine examples of your favorite drinks.
All the, always.
OK, I love it.
Do you got any others?
I think that's it for today.
OK, so, Jilly football, thank you, as always.
So we're taking it on a Monday because you're
going to be out this week, but we will see you in a week.
We're going to miss you.
Are you going to miss us?
Of course.
Maybe some chocolate chip cookies.
I'll listen.
Maybe some chocolate chip cookies when you come back,
or some brownies to make us feel like we
weren't totally neglected.
I don't know.
I'm sorry.
OK, I like, you know what?
I like his cupcakes, but not the cupcakes
that are like have the huge pile of frosting on top.
Just a little bit.
A normal cupcake.
Yeah.
Oh, darling Jake, I should bring him some Publix.
Yes, yeah.
Oh, yeah, you can buy it.
You can buy the cupcakes.
Oh, yeah, bring us back a Pubsub from Publix.
Publix, you got to give me your order.
OK, I'll take a buffalo chicken.
Yeah, I'll do the same.
Thank you.
OK.
They're delicious.
All right, so we'll see those in what, like, a week?
Yep.
OK, hopefully they just stay fresh, yeah.
All right, jelly beans.
What about gas for the jelly beans?
Just like the fart cloud, because of beans.
Oh, that's good.
I know.
I was thinking it was more like the jelly beans, but yeah.
Yeah, OK, we'll figure it out.
We'll workshop.
We'll crowdsource the emojis that the jelly beans have.
But can I ask a question that has nothing to do with,
but has to do with Twitter?
Yeah.
OK, so I've been on Twitter, and I know the at sign,
like, at, you know.
9-1-1, yeah.
But what does a hashtag mean?
Hashtag means that people are talking about that word.
So if you do hashtag jelly beans, then other people can see.
They can click on the jelly beans and see
who else has used that phrase jelly beans all over Twitter.
Does that make sense?
No.
OK, I don't know how else to explain it.
OK, so all right, so if you like.
So if the game's on, all right, the 49ers are playing.
OK.
Boom.
Huge touchdown for the 49ers.
You'll be like, that was an awesome touchdown.
Hashtag 49ers.
So you can see everyone else talking about the 49ers.
But why?
Because you want to ask us why.
You want to know what's happened, not why.
Actually, if you want to figure out how to use hashtags,
go to Samuel L. Jackson's Twitter account.
He'll figure it out.
He'll show you how.
It's very simple to explain.
I heard that, and I thought, this guy sounds like me.
Yeah.
So you know what?
Just hashtag however you want.
Hashtag random words.
Hashtags aren't very important.
Oh, they're not important.
No, no, no.
I think if you use them, you're either
Darren Ravel bleep that name out.
You're a narc.
Or you're a narc.
Yeah.
Or just use hashtags however you want.
OK.
OK, so any words you want to hashtag?
I'll try a hashtag this week.
Promise?
I promise.
At least one.
OK, promise, at least one hashtag.
OK.
Jilly, thank you.
Appreciate it.
We'll see you next week.
OK.
Love you guys.
Take on me.
Take on me.
Take on me.
Take on me.
Take on me.
Take on me.
Take on me.
Take on me.
Take on me.
Take on me.
Take on me.
Take on me.
Take on me.
Take on me.
Take on me.
Take on me.
Take on me.
Take on me.
Take on me.
Take on me.
Take on me.
Take on me.
Take on me.
Take on me.
Take on me.
Take on me.
Take on me.
Take on me.
Take on me.
Take on me.
Take on me.
Take on me.
Take on me.
Take on me.
Take on me.
Take on me.
Take on me.
Take on me.
Take on me.
Take on me.
Thank you for watching, and I'll see you in the next one.