Pardon My Take - Brand New Dungeons And Dragons Campaign With Timm Woods And Nick Turani

Episode Date: July 1, 2024

The people's champ Timm Woods is back for a brand new campaign. Joined by Nick Turani, this quest is filled with twists and turns that will leave you speechless.You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/PardonMyTake

Hey, pardon my take listeners. You can find every episode on Apple podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad free on Amazon Music. On today's pardon my take, it's Dungeons and Dragons time. We are on a mini vacation for July 4th week. We will have a new episode on Wednesday, but today we're going back into the realm of Tim Woods and we have Max and Nick Tarani as our special guests playing with us. Max for the first time, Nick I think it's his third time. It's an awesome episode. We're taking it seriously this time. We're going to try to complete the mission. Tim is electric as always and it's a great, great

listen and we're brought to you by our friends at DraftKings. Forget what the calendar says. Football season is right around the corner and that means best ball week at DraftKings isn't far behind. Here's what you need to know. DraftKings best ball millionaire contest is their biggest fantasy contest ever. We're talking 15 million guaranteed prize pool with two, that's right, two millionaires being crowned for first and second place. If you're a set it and forget it type, then best ball is for you. No waiver wires, no roster management, bigger rosters, so injuries won't end your

season. Only the draft and that's it. You're set for the season. Still not convinced? Check this out. This year DraftKings is offering everyone a draft one, get one special. Your $20 entry fee scores you a bonus ticket. This is the game. I mean, football's about to be back. This is the best. You got to get in. So again, it's DraftKings best ball millionaire contest, their biggest fantasy contest ever. Taking $15 million guaranteed prize pool with two, that's right, two millionaires being crowned. Get ready for best ball week at DraftKings. Download the DraftKings app, use code TAKE. That's code TAKE for all customers who enter the NFL best ball, 15 million millionaire contest to get a bonus ticket only during best ball week, only on DraftKings.

Gambling problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER. In New call 877-8-HOPE-IN-Y or text HOPE-IN-Y at 467-369 in Connecticut help is available for problem gambling call 888-789-7777 or visit ccpg.org 18 and over in most eligible states but age varies by jurisdiction eligibility restrictions apply one per customer enter the best ball 15 million dollar contest by 9524 to get one bonus entry. $20 entry fee required. Reward expires at contest lock on 9524. See terms at draftkings.com slash DFS. Okay, let's go. Now in the street there is violence And then there's lots of work to be done

No place to hang out or wash in And then they can't play all on the sun, oh no We're gonna rock down to Electric Avenue And then we'll take it higher, oh Welcome to part of my take presented by DraftKings. Get ready for best ball week at DraftKings. Download the DraftKings app. Use code TAKE. That's code TAKE for all customers who enter the NFL best ball 15 million millionaire contest to get a bonus ticket only during best ball week only on DraftKings today is Monday July 1st and it's time for Dungeons & Dragons so let's go.

Okay we are back with our best friend in the entire world, Tim Woods. Thanks for having me. He's here. Appreciate it. It is time for another Dungeons and Dragons episode. Pardon my take, we do this about twice a year. This is our summer lore. Is it lore?

Adventure. Adventure. This will be our summer adventure. Adventure. Quest. And we have special guest Nick back. Thank you guys. I love doing this my favorite days of the year Yeah, and we have the his first time ever going on an adventure with us Maxwell

Very excited. Oh, he's cool to have a new player. Yes Yeah, no, thanks for having me. Okay. I I was allowing you to finish speaking before I finish Well, yeah, no, I just know how this is gonna go I'm just gonna replace Hank is Hank was the most excited about this of all Max The second person killed yeah So for people who are not watching right now you should watch because we built a whole new set Wait Max Max needs a name and and and character. Yeah, I are you going to? This is a good point So yes, you get to name your character whatever you want Max

But since you are the only person with a totally new character today, I thought I'd take a moment I wasn't sure exactly what you might like to play But I wanted to prepare something ahead of time and I knew that you played in one of our previous adventures, a hippo animal companion. So I gave you a druid who has the power to wild shape into animals and command nature magic. So you're gonna be playing a druid today, Max. Would you like to name your druid?

It looks like a hippo? It could turn into a hippo. I think I'll really like a hippo, elephant, rhino, fat gorilla, some sort of large animal. There's other things in here. Anacondas on here. Butterbean. A hunter shark, huh? Hunter shark. What do you think about a hunter shark? That's an athlete. That's what it says on here. A placid sasaurus I don't know a lot of different dinosaur. What about hippo hippo maximus? Oh Sure, I would definitely By the way Tim also we should say before we start we saw your consent tweet

We will be asking for consent before we fuck Hank's dead body. As we all should, as we all should. I will just say that, you know, the tweet went up on April 20th. April 20th is my birthday, so anyone who kind of like bullied me, just a heads up, I don't bully people on their birthday. That's just a choice. Yes. Maisie also is a friend, so even though it was on a social media platform,

private conversation, everyone, I don't know why everyone else was joining. Also third, I'm right. Just in the building. Yeah, you are right. I'm right and yeah. When you posted that, you were like, oh, the guys from Pardon My Take didn't see this.

I'm safe. And then like three weeks later, I brought it up out of nowhere. I just suddenly got this flood of people liking the tweet out of nowhere, and I was like, uh, I think I need to, and then somebody mentioned, like, I'm so glad he brought this up on the pod, I wouldn't have noticed it,

I'm like, okay, I do need to listen to this episode and find out what happened, and I should have known. I should have known. What was the tweet exactly? It was nothing's hotter than asking for consent when you know that you have it? Yes. Yes. No, that's a fact.

I think a lot of problems- I agree. I'm getting Yes. Yeah. No, that's a fact. I mean, I agree. I'm getting hard right now. It's a lack of creativity. If someone's like, oh, asking for consent, I'm just like, well, I mean, just have fun with it. Yeah. I mean, you can make anything a good time. Is this OK?

Possibly. Yeah. Yeah, it is. It's more than OK. So for people who aren't watching, does everyone want to describe what their, say their name and then what they're dressed as? Sure, also you should be watching because the set the costumes your that is banging today. Absolutely. I'm hippo maximus I am dressed as Hagrid from Harry Potter the Harry Potter series. I didn't even know you're dressed up. Oh, yes

I do kind of look like him Am I kind of I definitely look like? Great deal. Yeah, great deal. Yeah. Great deal. Greg to geez one in the front one at the end and I am dressed as an Oompa Loompa chocolate factory up a slave I think. Yeah yeah yeah yeah. All right. I'm Norm the barbarian. I'm dressed as Doc Ock from the Spider-Man lore. I don't really know. I built this costume homemade because my kids love Spider-Man,

so I thought I'd just put it on at home and chase them around. So I bought them some Spider-Man costumes as well. Two for one. Two for one. Yeah, it was a two for one deal. And also, what's the vision like out of those glasses? I'm like a dog. I can only see black and white.

Yeah, it's really bad. Like, but I'm here. dog. I can only see black. Yeah, it's not it's really bad like problem here. Yeah Okay, I am Wayne the hill dwarf bard and I am dressed today as a some sort of Viking I think it was just a Viking costume. I'm not sure if it's a specific Viking. Maybe Eric the Red I'm dressed as Eric the Red. Mm-hmm I'm Ehrlich the warlock and I am dressed as Shrek from Shrek 2 Not Shrek 1 He's human You're wearing both, right?

Rarely rarely green Shrek what you are wearing that thing Green Shrek in Shrek 2 factor fiction at some point. I don't have my glasses on you look like Nate I don't have my glasses on you look like Nate I'm just wearing my cloak as usual. Yeah, absolutely. Also your biceps are poppin what I do for those What do you do for those? I just did a working out during Kovac. That's all It's still around. No. No, I started working out during that. OK. Yeah. I can notice.

No. Guys should support guys. I appreciate that. Thank you. 100%. Consentually. Absolutely. I definitely approve of all the camaraderie.

I like that 100%. All right. So let's do it. Now, our adventure today, I am really, really particularly excited about. Because this adventure is the adventure that I've been running ever since we did our last one, the Sunless Citadel, long ago before our Baldur's Gate adventure. That was a year and a half ago. So ever since then, I've been running this adventure, the Forge of Fury, for the AWLs. At this point, I kind of crunched

the numbers and I've probably run this adventure for over 200 AWLs out there at this point. So you've got some people who have gone through this adventure quite a few times who have or quite a few people who have gone through this adventure once who are going to be tuning in who are going to be very much analyzing how you guys do on this particular adventure. So this one is one that the fans are going to have played a lot of and potentially it's a multi-parter. It is an adventure that came out when I first started playing D&D years ago and they've updated it with every single edition since then. It is known as the Forge of Fury and Wayne in particular, this adventure is going to have a lot to do with you

because we're starting our adventure in the town of Blosingdale, which is mostly humans. We've got a lot of humans in this group, but particularly there's a large dwarven population in the town of Blosingdale. In fact, your family might live in this town. I would leave that entirely up to you. The legend has it that the reason why there's so many dwarves living in the town of Blosingdale, as well as a good number of gnomes, I will also point out, Ehrlich. You have heard that there was once a mighty dwarven fortress in the northwestern mountains known as Kundrakar, which translates to the Forge of Fury. It is said that there was a great dwarven blacksmith who kept making these amazing magic weapons to slay his enemies, the

orcs who populate the mountainside. Eventually the orcs got sick of it, attacked the mountain, laid siege for five years, and a hundred years ago the mountain fell and the dwarves were driven out. However, it's said that not all the weapons that were created by that master blacksmith were found and in theory the greatest acts of the blacksmith Durgedin has still not been located. Many dwarves in the town of Blosingdale believe that there is a vault located somewhere in that mountain.

And whoever could get in the mountain, deal with the orcs, find the vault and get it open, would be able to lay claim to one of the greatest treasures in all of the land. I want that axe. Absolutely. I want that treasure. 100%.

You would know that the people who can wield an axe like that would be mainly our Paladin Greg, That makes sense. or Barbarian Norm, but also Wayne the Bard, even if axes are not your specialty, you still know that this is an ancestral relic that really belongs in the hands of the Dwarves. I can play a mean axe. Absolutely. At the same time Ehrlich you also know that this axe would have enchanted runes on it that if you were to harvest the power of those runes and like destroy the axe would afford you immense power much like not just one soul but hundreds of souls. Right off the bat it sounds like he would go for the axe for nefarious purposes.

No, you would argue that. He wants the axe to destroy it. It sounds like everyone would go for it. It sounds like everyone wants the axe. But you want it to destroy it. I feel like the power could corrupt us all. Not me. Maybe.

I don't even want it. I don't want it either. Hank's family's in town? No, PFT's family's in town. Wayne's family in theory might live in this town. I'll leave that up to you. I might fuck your mom. Back off.

I might go to a little basketball game. You can tell me your mom's not here. Let's just whisk her to safety. She says, no consent, Nick. I knew I had it. Absolutely. Now, Hippo Maximus, you would know as a druid of the nearby region that the orcs have been attacking

human caravans and stuff for years now from the mountain that they took from the dwarves. You also know that those attacks have not been as successful in recent years. The orcs have been taking a lot of casualties. Now might be the perfect time with their numbers whittled down for some people to go into the mountain. It might be that previously it was too dangerous and now you think the number is down to maybe just a dozen orcs or so left and still in the mountain. You've heard their war cries of their leader, Great Ulf, and you know that years ago they used to have a

different leader. So at some point in the past decade there was a transition of leadership apparently in the orc tribes there was a transition of leadership, apparently, in the Orc tribes of Stone Tooth Mountain, where a Kundrakar used to be built. So you know a lot about the nearby wilderness. I would say that Norm and Greg, you've probably rolled into town. There are a lot of barbarian tribes

in the mountains around here. There aren't many paladin orders, but paladins often come into the mountains to accomplish heroic quests and there would definitely be a small nomish population mostly of warlocks in the town of Blosingdale. Now this adventure is special because we haven't done an adventure yet that starts in town so when you start in town you can do whatever you want we're kind of assumed we've met each other we We've gathered in the town square. There is a nearby tavern.

There is a temple dedicated to the god of dwarves, actually, Moridan. There are also potion shops and other places you can visit. When you're in town, you can do whatever you want. And in theory, you can try to get information or maybe supplies that you think you might need for your expedition. However, to see what order we get to do things in, I'm going to ask everyone to do their first dice roll for today.

You're going to roll a d20, the 20-sided die, and whoever rolls the highest is going to get to go first. 16. 16 for Norm. Norm, you have a plus 2 on your dexterity, so I'm going to put you in for an 18. I got a 1. Oh, no.

That means you're like, oh, Erlich, you have a plus 2 also, so you got a total of a 3. Erlich, you're going to be going last right now. I got a 2. Ooh, OK. Wayne, actually, Wayne, you've got a plus 3 on dexterity. So with a total, you said a 2? Yep.

You got a 5 total. You're actually still going just ahead of Erlich. And that's Wayne. Lovely. 13. 13, absolutely. And I think you have a plus 1 as a five total. You're actually still going just ahead of Erlich. And that's Wayne, lovely. 13. 13, absolutely. And I think you have a plus one as a paladin. So Greg, you're going right dab in the middle.

And Hippo Maximus. I got a four. A four. Hippo Maximus, you have a plus two, I believe, on Dexterity. So that gets you, actually gets you to six. So you're right smack in the middle now. So order is Norm first, then Greg,

then Hippo Maximus, then Wayne, then Erlich. And Norm, you're in town right now. Literally you see a tavern called the Four Swords Tavern right in front of you, and there is also the potion shops and temples and anything else that you might be looking for in a civilized town like this. It's a mountain mining town, you think.

So it doesn't have like a huge shopping mall or something like that but you do have places you can go to. A little cowboy town. Yeah a little cowboy town. Uh boys should we maybe like split up like maybe I go to the tavern see what's up someone else go to the potion shop grab some potions. I think yeah splitting up smart. Yeah I'll go to the forest hang out with my people. Well then we can meet before we leave town. Mm-hmm, 100%. Okay. You could. Splitting up in town is usually a pretty safe move. Okay. All right, so let me... I'm gonna grab a nice, cold Coors Light.

Should we have a, like, a word to yell that we gather at one point? Yeah. Consent. Yep. There it is. We could blow the conch maybe. Yeah, absolutely. All right. So, yeah, let's hop in the bar, grab a beer, and just, uh... can I ask some guys what's up? You certainly can. As soon as you walk in the bar, the first thing you see is that there's

a bartender, classic human bartender with a big beard, he's cleaning a glass, got a big apron, he nods to you. There seems to be some sort of rich merchant sitting at the bar, and then there are four, I must emphasize, mine workers, not miners, who are drinking and eating right now in the bar. Miners are drinking? Mine workers. Mine workers.

So Tim, you're saying that there's a bunch of miners and then there's a rich financier sitting right next to them. It seems like they're not at the same table, but you're definitely getting the vibe like, okay, those are the guys who work in the mines. That's probably a mine owner, would be your guess. You also notice in the back room, there's some kind of a party

going on and you think you hear dwarves singing in dwarves dwarves or mine. You don't speak dwarves dwarves very often are mine workers. Yes. Right. Okay. Um, what do you guys think should talk to the rich guy or maybe go to the party. Hmm. Finance here. Finance here. Yeah. Finance finance. All the tricks. Yeah. Jeff Epstein.

Absolutely. 100%. His friend might be Maxwell. Oh, yeah. You kind of sit down next to him. He's got like, hello, goodness. Good to see you. Quite a brute from the nearby mountains I see.

And he's being very rude to you right now. Would you like to talk to him and try to say something to him or are you gonna do something else? Yeah? Let's talk to him Well, I'd be like brute. I'm actually wicked smart You try to he doesn't seem to he just oh goodness. I'm sure yes quite for a bar for a barbarian of the mountains I'm sure you're quite savvy and cunning in your tribe Do you try to impress them with any knowledge? Yeah

Can I like fill out like a quick math formula and just pass it over be like see this buddy? I will let you roll a d20 however your barbarian norm does have a minus 1 on intelligence So if you roll a d20 minus 1 I got a 16 15 15 sorry. Oh, a 14. So you do this pretty impressive math formula and then he's like, oh goodness, you know how to do your arithmetic. Well, there's a little, you forgot to carry the form and you did make a slight mistake, but still it's pretty impressive with a 14. And it's clear. He says, oh goodness, I've underestimated you, my good friend.

As you try to get information out of him, you can now roll with advantage. He realizes he's underestimated you. Roll two times and take the higher number. 17. 17's great. Six. Six, so we'll take the 17.

You don't have any bonus to persuasion, but you've made a great impression on this guy. You can either ask him for two things, like a potion or some money or something like that, or you could get the answer to two questions you might have. He may have information, but you'd have to think of what information he would have. You know this guy wouldn't know

what's going on inside the mountain. He's never fought an orc or something like that, but you could see what he might know, or more likely what he could offer you. What about if I asked him who knows the inside of the mountain the best? Oh goodness, I would say that would probably be the elder dwarves who fled from the mountain so long ago. There are still quite a few dwarves who remember the days 100 years ago of the fall of Kundrakar, so I would talk to them most likely at the temple of Moradin over that away.

But there's also some dwarves having a party in the back room. It seems like one of them is a, they're all brothers, nine brothers, one of whom is the oldest and is having a birthday party right now. They are quite shit faced, it looks like. And so they might be able to get information easier out of them perhaps okay yeah so let me uh like how's your character with peer pressure bad is he yeah oh you might

just get drunk I might just get drunk these dwarves are partying hard but I'm bigger than them mm-hmm yes you are all right they're cooler than you and you know they're definitely no you're looking for their affection. You will probably get drunk with them. Even I'm bigger than them. Like, it will take me a lot longer to get drunk. I think you got to do something like you have to impress them with how much beer you can drink.

OK, so I'm going to say, hey, Jeff, thanks for the talk. You're a creep. I got a bad feeling about you. Something's going to happen to you later. And then I'm going to go back in the party and I'm just going to be like, fellas later And then I'm gonna go back in the in the party I'm just gonna be like fellas and then I just pound a beer so fast go ahead and roll me a d20 plus three Don't embarrass us. You should save To see I typically don't count dice that fall on the floor, but I can I can't really move

Can you give me gas? Yeah, I Didn't really think this costume through in this 20 Amazing As soon as you walk in they've got the boot going They have got the boot that they are chugging from and a meat you're like filler up and you chug the boot In like record time that you definitely beat whatever the record is in this town We'll get back to Dungeons and Dragons in a second brought to you by Coors Light the perfect summer playlist may be elusive But one thing is sure it gets better when it's enjoyed with

an ice cold Chorus Lite because music and Chorus Lite equals chill. It's amplified. Chorus Lite is the only choice when you're ready to choose chill. When you embrace the chill mindset, it's a good time to choose chill and crack open a Chorus Lite. Love Chorus Lite. Love it at concerts. I'm going to be going to Riot Fest for sure this year here in Chicago.

It's summer concert series. We've got Lollapalooza. We've got the Puff Punk Tour about to get into high gear in August. Coors Light is the perfect beer to go along with live music. Amplify your chill this summer with Coors Light. Choose chill, choose Coors Light. Go to coreslight.com slash summer music to see how Coors Light can amplify your summer. Be sure to keep an eye out on Coors Light's social handles

all summer long for more exciting announcements. Celebrate responsibly Coors Brewing Company, Golden, Colorado. Now, more D&D. Do you tell them like what mission you're going on right now? All nine of these brothers are chanting, Norm, Norm, Norm, Norm, Norm, and they start singing songs.

You don't know Dorvish, but as they're rocking back and forth and like got torches over their head They you keep hearing the word Kundra car in their songs. It's clear. They know information No, man, you are did you want to ask them anything? What do we ask I need help Maybe find out where that axe where that oh, yeah Where's that hey, hey, you guys ever seen that axe any of you guys any of you guys missing an axe where that axe is. Where the axe is? Oh yeah, where's that? Hey, hey, hey, anyone?

You guys ever seen that axe? Any of you guys missing an axe? What that axe do? For thousands of years? The oldest brother, the one whose birth date is, was asleep in his food and then he sits up suddenly, yes, I remember the axe. Our father was there the day Kundrakar fell and he told me that Durgadin locked his axe away and couldn't get to it in time to use it to fight the orcs and then the key was cut from his belt and it fell

into a chasm far below the mountain. But I remember him saying that the vault was in the eastern portion of the mountain That's all we know for sure. That's you've confirmed the great exists We know it's in the eastern part of the mountain but problem the key fell into a chasm He says either it's lost forever or maybe the orcs who can see very well in the dark. They might have tried to find it That's a best. All right. So I mean I Should I try to just put this this this eldest dwarf in my back pocket?

Yeah, like bring him bring him with you. Yeah. Do you think that one of these dwarven brothers would come with you right now? This is Magnus Stilto is his name. Oh, I think we should. Yeah, Magnus Stilto. You want you want to come party with my boys? Absolutely. Oh, yeah. Hell yeah. Absolutely. You seem cool, Norm. I'm coming coming with you and Magnus seems like he's a fighter But he's not a fighter on the level with us. He's only got maybe like a dozen hit points He's got one axe attack per turn he can help but probably help more his cannon fodder. Yeah

I like him yeah Magnus still to me. You're with us and Greg that'll bring us to you next very good turn You're with us and Greg that'll bring us to you next very good turn Didn't get into a fight with anyone since I'm the Paladin I think the temple makes sense for me to go to The moment you arrive even though you're not a dwarf they see your armor they see your holy symbol You're a holy knight riding into town incidently Greg important question at this level you get a steed that you can summon It's not an actual animal And finally, Greg, important question. At this level, you get a steed that you can summon. It's not an actual animal. It's a spirit, a celestial, an angel that takes animal form. It of course can just be a horse

or it could be something else if you prefer, like a dire wolf or a, I don't know, big warthog or something like that. Do you have a particular animal you wanna be riding into town on? A moth, please. A moth? Yes. Yeah, hell yeah. Okay, cool. You comeoth? Yes. Yeah, hell yeah.

OK, cool. You come in at night, of course. The lights of the city twinkle below you. You landed. And people are talking about this moth that could have been sort of been stabled in the town square. And I'll say, yeah, you're riding.

They don't want you flying the moth around town, but you're riding this giant moth through the streets, right up to the temple. They see your holy symbol. You're a holy moth around town but you're riding this giant moth through the streets right up to the temple. They see your holy symbol, your holy moth. They say, brother, welcome, please come inside. You can tell there's a very old Dwarven priest in a withered chair that they're carrying around a little bit and there are other Dwarven priests kind of roaming around. You'll also notice they have a whole tabernacle set up with holy healing potions inside of it. Do I have any sort of trinkets on me?

You do! Yeah, yeah, absolutely. I want to give the old guy like a ring. I want to give him a holy trinket. 100%! You give him a little sacred relic from a town that you came from. Immediately this old guy, Oh, thank you, yes. This was once in dwarwarven hands long ago We shall put this back and they have a whole reliquary where he kind of puts this ring on the shelf with all of the others

You just earned advantage on any persuasion checks you do and I think you have a Persuasion bonus of like plus four or something on your sheet. I think oh, yeah Yeah, under skills. I think you have pretty good persuasion for getting information out of people. So under skills, do you see... I have persuasion plus six. Plus six now! Amazing! So if you say you have advantage, you roll two times and make the higher number, and you add a plus six to your total.

Okay, yeah. I would like to ask him what he knows about this axe. Absolutely. 100%. Roll two times on the d20. Tell me what you get. A 10. 10. Good so far. And a 4. A 4. So we'll take the 10 plus 6, that's a 16. He's gonna give you two solid pieces of information. What do you want to know about the axe? What he knows about where it is or what he knows about its power? Um. Let's go where it is. Where it is, he confirms that the vault exists. It's somewhere in the eastern part of the mountain,

but I know we already got that information. So he's gonna confirm there's not just an axe in that vault. There is also other magical weapons, magical armor, and tons of gold as well in that vault. He also knows that the orcs would have been able to find the vault. It was not a secret vault by any means. It was a huge 30 foot tall, 30 foot wide vault door. The orcs would be able to find it, but unless we haven't seen any orcs carrying any rad magic axes,

they could not have gotten the vault door open. It's a very secure vault door. You'd have to be really good at picking locks or you would have to be able to find the key somehow. And to this elder dwarf, I would like to know, is this power worth having or will it corrupt? Is it bad to be? Should it stay locked away? Great question. Thank you guys. The good news? no, Durgeddin was a great blacksmith. He was almost cursed by vengeance. His family had been killed by orcs. That's why he started making these amazing axes.

So he imbued his fury into them, but it only, Dwarven Fury only makes axes even radical, more radical. Like it didn't make it cursed or anything. But at the same time, there are many dark forces that seek to claim this axe. And so having it is a danger. Not because it will corrupt you,

but because other people will be like, oh, you're an ally of the dwarves, that makes you an enemy of me. Orcs would not like this axe very much. Good guy with an axe though. Absolutely. Better than a bad guy with an axe. I'd rather be a good guy with an axe than a good guy without one.

Yeah, you'd rather have an axe and not need it than have an axe and not have it. And certainly better than letting it fall into evil hands. An orc could use this axe against us potentially. Though I'd say Durgettn's axe might like burn in their hand or something like that, you would know. Am I out of questions to ask? I'd say that was more of a half a question. Okay.

One more little piece of info. Is there anything you can give me to help me? He, when he hears that you're going to Kundrakar, absolutely, with even just a half of a question, gives you not a regular, but a greater healing potion, just in case you need it. So I'm gonna mark down, you've got a greater healing potion. If you need to either feed that to somebody

or drink it yourself to gain back hip points, you absolutely can. And it'll heal back 44 plus four hip points. That's a good chunk of your health. Fantastic. Yeah, I'll kiss him on the top of the hand and go. Absolutely, yes, 100%. He puts on the rings, he can kinda like kiss the ring.

And the other priests kinda salute you and wish you well on your quest to Kundrakar, Greg. So Greg just gave an old man a ring inside of a church and then kissed him. Oh, I got gay married. I think you're married. The dwarf, the old dwarf also realized it at the same time. Oh, gay marriage now. Is that mean he has to come with us too? Honeymoon? Um, actually he wants you to stay home and take care of the temple with him. But, uh, he says first, you guys, you know what? If you want to bring this old as fuck dwarf, you absolutely can. Alright, first of all, that's my husband, so shut up.

Absolutely, 100%. Yes, apologies, yes. Did you marry him for money? If you ask him for consent, he can bring him with you. Yeah, fuck him, let's bring him for consent, he can bring him with you. Yeah. Yeah, fuck him. Let's bring him. Absolutely. 100%. My gay husband.

This is the High Priest. I'm not gay, but I do have a gay husband. Absolutely. Hey, happy Pride Month. Thank you. Absolutely. We'll just, High Priest Mr. Greg. Why does this always happen?

So will we. And Greg, amazing turn. And that will bring us then to Hippo Maximus. Hippo Maximus, what would you like to do? You said there's a forest close by. There is a forest. I would like to go there. You have a small grove of druids.

Be with my people. Yes, 100%. As you kind of find your people. And the best part is, other people would not have an easy time finding these druids. They're secreted away. You also have a secret language you share with the druids that only you all can speak and stuff. Also, you have magical spells that allow you to like talk to animals and do other nature magic, talk to plants, that

sort of thing. So make sure if you have any questions about any of your spells, let me know. But when you rendezvous with the druids, I'll say there is a hierophant, the high druid of your circle is an old woman and and she says, oh, greetings. Welcome back, Hippo Maximus. Her name is Giraffe Maximus. And so what would you like to say to her or ask? If she knows anything, I guess if she knows anything about this axe, I feel like we know a lot about this axe,

though. We do probably know a lot about the axe. That was a really good question, Hippo Maximus. Do you know anything about this axe? We know about the axe. well. I feel like that was what I was supposed to say, but I don't know if Should have been exactly who do you think the MVP should have who should have been something like that yeah? Go ahead and roll a d20 you have advantage because this is your druid circle so you can roll two times I don't think you have the persuasion skill. You have a plus one on this.

Maybe ask where the axe is. 10, we already know where the axe is. Oh shit. You got an 11 total, you're only getting one piece of information or maybe an item or some other kind of stuff. Yeah, I want some items. I would like some items to get me to the journey of the axe.

Yeah, he needs energy. He needs power. So she'll give you a choice. She could give you a healing potion. Those are always helpful. You can't have too many of them. She might have a little something that might be able to augment your magic.

She might also be able to set you up with a guide who could bring you to the mountain without any trouble. Are we all bringing dates? Otherwise, you would be our best guide. It would be the survival skill for guiding us to the mountain. So everything would go through me. Exactly. I would be the leader.

I would like to be the guide. Yeah. In a certain sense. Travel agent. I would like that to be me. Does he lose hit points if he's like it's been almost 20 minutes he hasn't had anything to eat? I mean, you could make a Constitution save

if you get too hungry, yeah. No, I just need to be the guide, that's all. Don't worry about the food intake. That's Henry's, or Ehrlich is the one who worries about the food intake. That's true. He gets very cranky. He gets very cranky.

Gotta keep that blood sugar. So Max, what are you doing? I'm taking the guide. You're gonna take the guide, absolutely. She gives you you the guide guide. You can choose any animal you want I'm gonna say it's a bird who suddenly flies down from a tree and lands on your shoulder with a bird What kind of bird do you Eagle? Eagle comes swooping down lands on your shoulder and this eagle has a magic spell already cast on it So you don't need to cast anything it can talk and this eagle tells you that not only can it guide you the mountain, it also has

seen something strange. It knows that there are two. It takes you a while. It's like the air that is hard to see through. You're like, you're talking about smoke? It's like, yes, that. And he's seen two sources of smoke on this mountain. One seems like it's coming from a campfire from the front of the mountain, the western side where we've heard the mountain door into the mountain is. You also know the eagle saying there is smoke apparently at the top of the mountain for some reason as well, but you don't know what that would be about necessarily. So you got us an eagle guide who's going to be able to lead us to the mountain and have some interesting, weird information.

Good stuff, Hippo Maximus. Can the eagle talk to everyone else or just to me? I will leave it up to you. The eagle can talk to you. I would like for the eagle to only talk to me. The eagle will whisper in your ear. It doesn't understand names, this eagle. I think it's an eagle.

I'm an eagle, what do you mean? And you can name it whatever you want. Big Dom? Big Dom, yeah, Big Dom. Absolutely. It says my name is Ka, but I'll go'm an eagle. What do you mean? And you can name it whatever you don big Dom? Yeah, absolutely My name is car, but I'll go by big Dom Yeah, absolutely big Dom the eagle 100% now hippo Maximus you have still have a bonus action But I do want to take this opportunity just to let you know The only thing you can really do with the bonus action is turn into an animal

So you could turn into an animal right now if you wanted to or you could wait until I'll save that. Double Eagle. Why not? Double? You have a chance to double eagle right now. Yeah, I'm gonna have double eagle later. I'll be sure I'm not gonna it's gonna be tough to fly in a cave, man. You don't know that you should know you don't know how big his cave is. All right. Well, remember that I'll chip into an eagle by the way when you could turn to a same size eagle or

bigger eagle. We'll remember that you'll chip into an eagle by the way when you could turn to a same size eagle or bigger eagle. We'll remember that you didn't double eagle. I will. I will double eagle at some point. I'm not wasting my double eagle this early. You just be an eagle for life. You could say in your eagle form for future turns. Sounds like he's too late. Now, it's too late. I'm saying I'm saying my save the double eagle. Absolutely. I don't want to double eagle too early. Like like the football team did last year. We got the double eagle, absolutely. I don't want a double eagle too early, like the football team did last year. We got a double eagle late in the season.

Huh? Think about it. I thought about it, makes sense. Yeah, think about it. Good turn, Hippo Maximus, absolutely. That is gonna bring us to way to next. So Max found a bird with his, okay, that was his entire journey.

Yeah, you found a bird in the woods. Would you use your ears? You're good, dude. You guys don't know anything about guidance. You know nothing about that. You want so badly for this entire game to go through you. It does go through me. He just said it. You're trying to snatch this game. He just said that I am the leader of this tribe right now leading us to the mountain. Actually, Big Dom kind of is. That's, yeah. Big Dom can only talk to me though. Big Dom only has one person's number here. Yeah, I met Big Dom one time and he liked me way more than you. You want me to. Big Dom only has one person's number here. Yeah, I met Big Dom one time

and he liked me way more than you. You wanna text Big Dom the eagle right now? We're talking about an eagle in this game right now named Big Dom. I don't know what you guys are talking about. Is the eagle safe from like if an orc chief, are the eagles good against chiefs? This eagle only has like three hit points.

Yeah. It's not a particular sturdy chief. Like if the eagle's sleeping on the ground and my guy, what's his name steel toe? Magnus steel Magnus steel. So if you just come you like steps on the name steel toe. Yeah I hope that doesn't happen was this eagle like really good two years ago and Now it's there's questions about whether or not the eagle will still be good that seem have some silver feathers kind of let's just say Let's hope this eagle stays safe.

Don't say it. What? It'd be a shame for the eagle to die. I don't say the shame word. Okay. PFC, no pressure, we all have dates. Yeah, you have dates. Max has a birdie, he's gonna fuck you.

So, okay, so I'm just, I'm amongst my people, right? You are amongst your people. You know there's a huge dwarven population in town, maybe even your family. Okay, so what else is, I'm amongst my people, right? You are amongst your people. You know, there's a huge Dwarven population in town, maybe even your family. Okay, so what else is in town? Bring your sister. You know, there's the Temple of Moradin, temple of all Dwarven kind.

You know, there's like potion shops and stuff, the local bar. If you're looking for something else, like a shop that sells other things or potentially, there's a lot of different stuff in this town. Is there a weapon shop in town? There's definitely a weapon shop in town. I think I should go to the weapon shop.

The issue is that we have weapons already and it would be hard to get better weapons. The better weapons we could get are magic weapons. They might sell those but they're generally pretty expensive and that's part of why we would go to the mountain is to get some magic weapons. But if you go to the weapon shop they definitely do sell weapons. You know what I'm gonna go visit my family. Absolutely. They'd get very angry if they knew I was in town. Absolutely, they probably have weapons and stuff too amongst your family, 100%.

You can definitely go visit them. Where would your family, what kind of house would your family sort of live in? I think very, in a cave. They're dwarves, so they might have an underground house below the city streets, 100%. So they got this cave kind of set up. Immediately, your parents open arms

you're my boy welcome home Wayne Wayne absolutely your brother Garth is there as well I'm sorry your cousin right you're you've got your you're all your siblings all your cousins are gathered in the cave right now they are all embracing you and they're all having they're putting together a dinner now to celebrate your arrival in town. Okay, great So I'd like to talk to them and see what they know about how to access this this This cave door like where exactly that key might be you haven't seen your family in so long. That's what you're going with. Yes. Yes It's transactional. Absolutely. You're particularly good at persuasion You have a guy six and you have advantage on them

Of course because they're your family so you can roll two times on the d20 and take the higher number, okay? Oh, sorry, that's the oh, that's a that's a 30 Okay, d20 here we go 15 already great pretty good and 7 7 with a 15 That's plus 6 is a dirty 21. And with a 21 in all, you get three things from your family. I am going to say, you mentioned, are you focusing more on other ways you said into the mountain

or to get into the vault? So I think we need to find where the key is, right? Is the key, because we can't break into this vault. It's too secure. I think the only way that we can get in is if we have the key mm-hmm they tell you that they had heard from an orc that they didn't capture but like a local caravan was fighting against the orcs they took a prisoner one of your brothers was on that caravan and he says when they interrogated the orc they said that one of the orcs had

found a key recently and it was just a casual note while they were like torturing him kind of and you didn't think anything of it until he didn't think anything of it until you mentioned that you're looking for the key to this vault at the same time no orcs have shown up with any gold or magic axes or anything so even though apparently an orc has found the key, they still haven't opened up the door yet. They're too dumb. Now, absolutely.

You could ask more about what do you know about who found the key, or why are they not opening the door? Or you could ask something else. Can I borrow some money? You could definitely borrow some money. They're going to give you 100 gold pieces. And with that, you could buy two healing potions or buy other stuff.

Okay, so do I get another question or is that it? You get one more now. Okay, I wanna see which one of my families really ride or die. Like who wants to come with me on this great adventure? 100%, you can definitely get one family member to come with you. Would this be your cousin, your brother,

one of your parents, who would you like to bring her? Just back off. Do I have a sister you could have a sister like your like full blood sister or You could have a step I have steps yeah She she immediately wants to know your question she says what are you doing stepbrother and she is going to join you on your quest 100% she sounds hot yeah that's her that she talks like this good to see you is she like a strong woman I'm gonna roll her charisma first of all. Your sister's super fucking hot dude. Step sister, step sister.

She got a 19 out of 20 on the hotness scale. That's wild. That's a solid 9.5. What hockey team would she be a fan of? 18 out of 20! Those are huge doors and titties! Dude that's so sick for you. Yeah, they are. What is your other question? That's awesome.

Would hockey team, would she be a fan of the Edmonton Oilers? Yes. Okay, nice. Yes, absolutely, yeah, 100%. So does she want to join? Yes, 100%, and you know that your sister has gotten drunk in bars. Step sister. Step sister has gotten drunk in bars, kind of sometimes had some fun fun and so. Is it sister or step sister? Step sister. I keep

saying sister step sister. Are we certain or can we find out later that it's just sister? I'm gonna roll for that secretly. Good to know. I know we did secret rolls here. PFT this is I hate to bring this up but I have actually been following your stepsister on Instagram for a while. Oh, that's messed up Respect did you know she was my stepsister? Might have we still don't know yeah, we still don't know could be a real sister She doesn't seem to have an only fans. Okay. Oh, yeah, just roll for it. I have an only fan She's wiped up on my story said LMA. Oh, it wasn I just roll for it. I have an only fan. She swiped up on my story said LMAO wasn't even a funny Unless you want a name for your sister, I'll name her Vera unless you have like yours good

Yeah, absolutely. So your stepsister Vera will be coming along on this quest with us. I'm gonna roll. How good she is it like combat Hey Your stepsisters great at fighting actually 100% total package 100% Absolutely. All right. Can I before I leave can I just say what's up to my stepmom 100%. Total package, 100%. Absolutely. All right, before I leave, can I just say what's up to my stepmom? Absolutely, yeah, 100%. You say what's up to your stepmom, absolutely.

Tip the cap. That'll be your bonus action. You give her a little tip of the cap, 100%. Just roll me a D20 real quick. 11. 11. Anything could happen. Anything could happen here, 100%. We'll never know what happens.

We'll never know, absolutely. Wayne, great stuff. Absolutely, you got 100 gold pieces, some good information, and a stepsister. And Erlich, what would you like to do on your turn? I think I'd like to go to the potion shop. Yes, absolutely. So the potion shop incidentally is run by a dwarven family.

They are a couple, though it seems the husband is a wizard, the wife is an artificer actually, a tinkerer who crafts things, but it's the husband who makes a lot of the potions. And as you walk in, you notice that they're doing a thing that you've seen dwarves in human societies do. They're both walking around on these elevated mechanical shoes that they can crank to like give them extra height and stuff. And they're walking around in the shops. So they're like actually towering above you right now but they would be eye to eye height with a human basically. And as soon as they see you they go,

oh welcome, come on in, come on in. And they press buttons on their shoes and go down to gnome height level. And what would you like to do or say here? You're noticing there's a ton of healing potions as well as lots of other potions. other type of potions are there i want to get i want to get something that can deal with orcs roll me in our cannon check to see are we gonna are one of the orcs knows exactly that we gotta hunt down those orcs got the key we're we're gonna run in and be

running into orcs orcs orcs are gonna be the enemy in this quest. Mm-hmm. Also seems that I can PFT I texted you something 19 19 plus your arcana bonus, which I believe is a plus six. Is that right plus five plus five Absolutely, okay with a 24 you're gonna see four different types of potions. You see first of all a potion of Invisibility this potion would allow you to turn invisible until you cast a spell or attack. Once you do that, it breaks invisibility at that point. You also see a potion of heroism. If you drink a potion of heroism, you become braver

and you get extra hit points, basically, when you are in combat. Were there other potions you were hoping to find around here? Any potions that you were hoping would have a specific effect of some sort? You definitely find healing potions of all different sizes and shapes. Invisibility, heroism, anything else you were hoping to find here maybe? Heroism, I heard you do that once and then you're hooked for life.

I'll do the invisibility. Absolutely, 100%. So they tell you that the invisibility potion is about 300 gold You could try to persuade them to give you that for a discount or you could try to steal it Maybe or something along those lines. Maybe I could like Steal it and take take take them hostage kill one of them and take the other one hostage Are you trying to murder these nice? I need a date. It's a mom and pop shop. I need a date.

I'm running out of time. It doesn't sound very consensual to me. Is there a love potion there? There could be. So I'll say the other ones are you find a love potion and you find poison as well. Those are the four other types of potions you found. So invisibility, heroism, poison, and love potion

as well as two types of healing. How much is poison cheaper? Poison's cheaper, yeah, poison's only 50 gold pieces. Oh, I think I'll do the poison. You could afford one of those for free, and you could haggle with them to get more poison if you wanted. Roll the haggle?

Yeah, that'll be a persuasion, or are you being mean to them? That's a one. Oh, now if anything, they're like, wait a minute, we don't know if we should really what are you gonna do with that poison? That's that's the penalty. You're gonna do something bad with that poison is exactly what they said.

I know I'm do some good and give it to an enemy. Well, okay, but like, who's your enemy orcs orcs? Oh, well, and they look at each other. They just slide the potion over. Good haggling. Mm-hmm. Absolutely. They don't give you an extra poison potion, but they give you one poison.

Sorry, one should do the trick. Exactly. Yeah. And so you got a little poison, Erlich. That was only your bonus action. Was there anything else you wanted to ask them for or do here? Maybe ask him what this poison could kill. How big of a thing could it kill? I think I have a good idea with that

I I got my my gut tells me that that they would tell you it deals like they tell you how lethal it is It's like 2d8 damage you this safe is is in the West. It keeps everyone keeps talking about the East But if it was in the East and they have the key, they would find it. I feel like it's a bait and switch. We think they've found it, and they've also, one orc has found the key, but they haven't opened it. Earlier we definitely concluded that you can't hide this door.

How do we find an orc that has seen the safe? Is there an orc that's found the safe with the axe? I just wanna say, this is why we usually try to kill a bank. or do we know an orcas found the key we think the orcs have probably located the vault because it's super hard to find if you're looking for an orc they'd all be up at the mountain family already told us all this Hank yeah everybody's told us the East everybody literally know this all right let's go then we're not gonna kill you for this, but strike one.

So you've got your tiny thing of poison ready to go? Yep. Absolutely, you got your poison 100%. And that'll bring us back again to Norm. By the way, I- Alone? Oh, sorry? Is he alone?

Yep. Oh, so he's outnumbered? That does seem to be, neither of the gnomes is coming with you on this shit Unfortunately, it seems you got your poison ninth wheel. Yeah Donkey right there was so easy for And norm you can do anything you want in town or you could be the one to set out to the man with the help Of in theory the eagle guide. I just guiding I might have made a mistake. I didn't realize Max was on the text chain

I sent something. Oh, yeah, that was such a shame. But you're not even at a point where that could even be possible. What did I say? I'm not saying it. I don't think Max has his phone. I might have texted and said that we've got

to kill Max's eagle ASAP. OK, can I get all the boys? Can we go? Let's do it. You can rally the boys 100% Let's fuck I Leave whose turn is it? But you said let's gather the boys I lead I lead the boys to the worse

You're so pressed over being your turn right now in theory on your turn You could skip to the point where the eagle essentially on the Eagles turn He's already led us to the mountain and then do your turn at the mountain All right Eagles led us to the mountain. Do I need to at the mountain all right Eagles led us to the mountain do I Need to explain that I was gone for 15 minutes and got gay married Only if you want to they saw there are like um all these four very young totally helpless dwarfs You can't do anything who are carrying an equally helpless all the dwarf on his shoulders This is how the conversation went

Hey, there's probably something that's going to shock you. You've never thought this ever. I'm gay. Yeah, cool man, we knew. Alright. And the Dwarven High Priest says, apparently I am too! And this is all news to him. Imagine coming out in an Oompa Loompa costume.

Okay, so we're at the mountain. Yeah, at the mountain. Yeah, at the mountain. And what you can tell, partially with the Eagles help, is you see that on the western side of the mountain, there is in fact the trailing smoke of a campfire. If you circle around to that side of the mountain, you can just barely glimpse through the trees, two shapes around that campfire. It looks like there are a pair of orcs on lookout duty. One of them is sharpening his ax. The other one is like picking his nose right now,

not really paying attention. Behind them, you can see a tunnel that goes into the mountain and the dwarves have told us that that tunnel leads into the mountain to the mountain door, the front entrance. Yes. But the eagle also points out, really only to you, that there is another larger plume of smoke at the top of the mountain.

Even though it's not your turn, you can point this out to your teammates or just keep it to yourself. I would love to point this out to my teammates. Oh, that's a smart move. OK, so what do you guys think? Should we go to the top? You just know how helpful this is.

Should we just go in the mountain? Should we get inside the mountain? Right now, you know that if you just try to get inside the mountain, those two orc lookouts are going to see you as soon as you start approaching. And they're probably going to be hostile immediately. Yeah, but I'm a fucking badass. Certainly.

Right, so let's kill these two orcs and then go into the mountain. Absolutely. You can rush right at these orcs. With your bonus action, you could rage. And then with your action, you could run into melee with one of them and swing your axe at him. Okay. Would you like to go for the one who's picking his nose or the one who's sharpening his axe? Um yeah let me just kill the one with the axe. The one with

sharpening his axe absolutely. So you're gonna roll oh before you roll are you going reckless on this? Yeah fuck yeah. So obviously roll two times. I'm gonna mark you down as reckless norm so if they attack you they'll also have advantage that was it to you so ignore that one great. Oh Shit, I gotta stop doing that That feels like how doc Oc would roll. Yeah dice to is with the glove That is a 14 14 plus six for your great up a 7 for your great X attack is a dirty 21 that is absolutely a hit and you can roll a d12

Plus oh, sorry, uh are using a great axe or a great sword Whatever one was gonna cause the most damage. This is the one that's gonna cause the most damage the great sword 26 plus six damage. I got a five and a three. Five and a three. So eight plus six. Fourteen brings this orc down to a single hit point left. He's almost dead.

You thought you killed him. He's holding this gas across his throat. He stumbles against the stone wall. And then just as you think he's about to slip down to the ground, he grits himself, pushes himself off the wall, grabs his axe, and begins trying to stomp back towards you. The other orc is like, fuck, and reaching for his axe right now. I'm gonna roll to see when they are gonna go.

Luckily, they are not going next. The orcs are only gonna go right after Wayne's turn. So Norm, you just went. These orcs don't get a chance to go until after Wayne's turn. So Norm, you just went. These orcs don't get a chance to go until after Wayne's turn. That means we still have Greg, Hippo Maximus, and Wayne who get to go who can try to finish this. And I apologize, you get a second attack now.

Oh my god. Before your turn is over. Would you like to go reckless on this attack? Yeah, fuck yeah I do. And are you attacking the full strength orc or the one with one hit point left? Let me just go after the full strength. Let me let me just get them both down So we can just leave them to clean up. All right, so the d20? You're going reckless again. Absolutely d20

That's a 19 already a hit and then just roll again to see if you crit That is a 4. We'll take the 19 plus 7. That is a solid hit for another 2d6 plus 6 damage. That's a 6 and a 2. 6 and a solid hit for another 2d6 plus 6 that's a 6 and a 2 6 and a 2 so a another 8 plus 6 Brings this guy down to one Left there are two orcs each of them is at one hit point left They're just looking at each other like who the fuck is this guy they're terrified now you can tell their strategy has changed They don't want to fight you anymore. They're looking at the tunnel behind them. They're about to run to get more orcs.

But Greg, you are up next. What would you like to do? I would like to ask Wayne's stepsister to watch me. Absolutely, 100%. As a bonus action, I will let you make a persuasion check to make sure she's watching you very close. 20? Yes.

14? 14, you have a plus six. So that's a dirty 20. persuasion check to make sure she's watching you very close. 20? Yes. 14. 14, you have a plus six, so that's a dirty 20. She's watching you and licking her lips. Oh, oh shit. I'd like to take off the top portion of my armor. You do, 100%. You've got just the shoulder plates and nothing else. Cool.

I say watch this and I will charge in. Cool. I say watch this, and I will charge in. Absolutely. With a Divine Smite. Yes, absolutely. Now, there's two ways you can do this. You could either run at them with your longsword and attack, or you could charge on your moth with your lance. Either weapon will allow you to Divine Smite.

That's pretty cool. I think I know what I'm doing. I'm going to charge with my lance. No, we will also point out each of these orcs has one hit point left. Your divine smite deals extra damage. You can do a divine smite many times per day. So you could do one now, but you would be overkill.

Wow, you have that skill now? What do you think? I wanna impress this woman. What does your gay husband think of this? He's so old, he's probably not even paying it. He doesn't care. I'm sure he doesn't care. He fell asleep, I'm sure he'll say, yeah.

Is he rich? He has a lot of authority. He's not rich because he's a priest, but he has a lot of authority in town. If you were to die, would Nick inherit anything? Yeah, I would say you would be kept as like a, almost like a pet concubine in the temple, kind of. Like a pet concubine, eh? All the old men do, too. Maybe like the old concubine in the temple kind of. Like your life would be like. All the old men get you.

Maybe like the old concubine of the high priest, the old husband, like we've gotta feed you and take care of you and give you housing for your whole life. I don't, oh man, I feel as if that was a misstep. Now all you need to do is hit one of these orcs with your lance. You get to roll a d20 plus, I think, six for your lance. It is plus six.

Absolutely. So 10 and six. Absolutely. So with a 10 plus six, that's a 16, that is just barely a hit against the orc. You don't even need to roll damage. Your lance goes right through the chest of one of the orcs, and with your Divine Smite, they explode from orcs and with your Divine Smite they

explode from within. What does your Divine Smite look like? Is it like glowing light? Is it holy fire? It's a glowing purple light. A glowing purple light seems to fill up this creature from within. The orc is this big, brutish, green-skinned warrior with like tusks coming out of his mouth and beady red eyes. You see his eyes turn purple. Purple light comes out of his mouth. He explodes, pieces go everywhere. You also get two attacks per turn. Can I turn around and wink at the stepsister

before he explodes? You're not gonna tell her that I loosened it for you? No, heavens no. While you're winking at her. You couldn't finish the job. She grabs your shoulder, shakes it, and goes, he doesn't even look at the explosions. That's a cool guy. And so she can tell if he's interested. and finish the job. She grabs your shoulder, shakes it, and goes, he doesn't even look at the explosions.

That's a cool guy. And so she's interested. You get another attack and you could do it against the other orc outside now if you wish. Yeah, finish this guy off. You also think you notice that there is a little bit of noise coming from deeper in the mountain. You could do something about that if you want,

or you could just finish off this other orc. I'm gonna finish him off. Yeah another d20 plus six Six six plus six. I'm sorry to say he's only a 12 you turn around to attack the other guy with your lance He dodges out of the way. Oh, that's embarrassing. So we got one orc still trying to run great turn Greg What does my stepsister say about him not being able to finish off two guys? I think she's actually pretty disappointed. She was, Oh, yeah, thinking he's about to kill both orcs the first two enemies we've

seen and like get credit for those kills. And she was, oh, and she's like devastated. You can tell right now. Hippo Maximus, we're up to you next. We'll get back to D and D it's brought to you by NASCAR. It's coming to Chicago this summer, two days full of racing and nonstop entertainment. Fourth of July weekend, NASCAR racing through downtown Chicago, and the iconic Grant Park entertainment filled weekend with your favorite artists featuring Keith Urban, the chain smokers, the black keys and Lauren Elena.

The 2024 Chicago street race will be the most talked about event of the summer. NASCAR is returning to the iconic streets of downtown Chicago. Purchase Barstool's $99 special ticket offer for general admission on Sunday. Check it out. NASCAR is back. We're all excited. They're going to go fast. They're going to go left. They're also going to be they're gonna go left. They're also gonna be going through the streets of Chicago. It's gonna be a fun race to watch.

Come see it in person. Buy the $99 special ticket offer for general admission on Sunday. D&D is also brought to you by Proper 12. Believe it or not, summer is already here, but don't worry, AWLs. You don't need to give up your whiskey just because the weather's warming up.

We've partnered with Proper 12 to bring you the unofficially official drink of the summer, the Proper PMT. That's Proper P-M-T-E-A. Makes up two parts of your favorite iced tea, one part of rich and smooth Proper 12, serve over ice with a lemon slice. So easy, even Max could make it right. The Proper PMT tastes so good because it uses rich and smooth proper 12 Irish whiskey, an award-winning blend of golden grain and single malt aged four years in bourbon barrels because anything else just

wouldn't be proper. The proper PMT tastes like the unofficially official drink of the summer. Pick up some rich and smooth proper 12 today. Try it for yourself. And now more D&D. So I still need to finish off one of these or there is one orc left That is true all it would take is like, you know a level zero spell or something easy Like this orc only has a single hit point So something that like maybe the eagle could take care of the eagle could actually deal enough damage to kill this orc Yeah, if you tell the eagle to swoop in the eagle can attack I would like to prove his value to this team here.

Please roll me. And I would like for the eagle to finish this man. Please roll me a d20. What does he need to finish this man? What number? He needs to get a 13, and you get a d20 plus three to hit this work. This is very, very easy to have.

This is like a buccaneer that you have to finish off. Well, you should crush this Oh, yeah, it's 5050. So it's not that easy to crush him Inferior opponent get tenor higher That would be a one So what that means suck to as this orca This was the second or a coup norm attack. So he got a slash across the chest I'm gonna say.

He's bleeding profusely, trying to hold the wound together. He looks like he's trying to, he grabbed his axe. Looks like he's gonna run for the tunnel. He sees, oh, this eagle comes swooping down. He goes, oh fuck, dodges out of the way. The eagle crashes into a rock and flops onto the ground and is flapping around for a little bit, like, ah, ah, trying to get get back up the orc sees his opportunity

Takes his axe and goes to bring it down upon the eagle. I'm going to roll one free attack against the eagle now He got a total of a 14 which is enough to hit the eagle your eagle has Slain I am sorry to say it had three hit points it took six damage. That's a not not a knockout That's an insta kill. I'm sorry. That's on you If you had been able to kill you all you had to do is you still have your fault? Oh my god Do you feel like you were overconfident? You're leading more in the Eagle I just wanted to show the Eagles value well the Eagles dead now You know you can't fucking but you guys didn't kill it you guys wanted to kill it you guys know you know

He tried to call out remember me, but he got a one so and So and Yeah, that's bad coaching It was a good start to the season for the Eagle and then it really really crashed and burned pretty heavily there when you thought that It was gonna be pretty easy to finish the job and it just didn't finish the job Literally crash and burn. Yeah, but an eagle you knew for five minutes. Yeah, no, that's not sure that was Eagle was a friend of mine For not really you sent him to die. Yeah, I sent him not a good friend hero It was a couldn't defend your own if you had a 50-50 shot Would you send your friend to be against 50-50 if you live but go ahead it should actually wasn't 50-50

He wanted to prove his value in that One of the proof is by the way, he will grab your eagle by one of the legs Oh, no, and is still trying to run inside the mountain, but now he's in one hand also carrying the eagle's body. I need to avenge my eagle. I need to avenge my eagle. So it still only has one- Only got one hit point. It should go well.

Sork's doing a lot for one hit point. Will go well. Okay. What do I need? What do I need? Well, it depends on what attack you're doing. You could use a level zero spell like produce flame and that would still kill this orc.

You could hurl fire at him. You could do a thorn whip, which is like the scorpion move in Mortal Kombat. You shoot out a vine. It wraps around him, digs thorns into him, and then you do the get over here and boom, folks. Thorn whip for sure. Thorn whip is pretty rad.

Roll me a d20 plus 6 to see if you hit with your thorn whip. That would be 17. There we go. 17. Plus six is a 23. You wrap your thorns around his neck and it pulls his head right off. You see the orc's head go flying through the air.

He falls dead to the ground. Well done. The orc is slain. We didn't need that eagle anyway, guys. Only cause you're your fucking eagle, dude. No, no, I didn't even really care about that eagle your fucking eagle dude now now I didn't even really care about that eagle you didn't get a single hit off that work I got you got no hit. I killed that that work. No, but you killed the orc you said you got your eagle killed

The eagle wanted to show his value to the team all right He went down a warrior the York dropped went down for the for all of you for all of you, and all of you are showing disrespect to the eagle. It's a waste of an eagle. Yeah, you could have just done the job yourself. You're not overlooking the selfish aspect of this whole transaction. No selfishness. You are absolutely looking at the dead orc who has just fallen to the ground. Hippomaximus, that would have been your full turn, but I will say you also, as well as

Greg, notice you're hearing noise inside the mountain apparently. Can I ask do you have the perception skill by any chance? I do not. Just making sure absolutely. Then Wayne that is going to bring us to you next. Okay, like to do the two orcs outside are slain. We did a great job with that. And the eagle is dead. Eagle is also dead. Yes. steel toes alive, right? He'll tell still alive. My gay husband's around. gay husband is still around still around yes 100% cheating on your gay husband that's fine incidentally I never gave you a chance to send Steel Toe into battle he you know he's slow he's hatching up but now on your turn anytime you want to send him into battle you absolutely

I wouldn't do that to Steel Toe I want to keep I'm a good friend so it sounds like there's a bunch of orcs that are deep inside this mountain right sounds like it definitely okay and since I am a dwarf, I would assume my stepsister also has, uh, advantage when it comes to deception and persuasion? Yeah, I would say so, 100%. Could I send my stepsister into the mountain and try, have her try to seduce all the orcs? Yes, you absolutely could have her do so. So as he starts approaching the mountain, first I'll give her a bonus action perception check to see if she notices something.

Roll me a d20 for her to see if she's noticing something as she gets closer to the tunnel. Oh, that's not- That's six? Nah, she's not noticing anything. She just go down to the tunnel, she calls out, Oh, there's the door here, check it out. It's open already. I'm gonna poke my head in. And you can see her looking at these big double doors that the orcs have apparently left open.

Big enough for an orc to come in and out. These doors are so big, apparently they got lazy and got sick of opening them and shutting them for the lookout. So they just leave them open. You see her stick her head through, and you hear what sounds like two orcs very far away from your stepsister, going,

RRRRRAAARRAAARister going as they suddenly see her and she goes hey what's up good looking and you can roll a d20 plus whatever your deception is my deception is plus eight she'll also have a plus eight that's a nine absolutely with a nine plus eight I going to roll to make sure these orcs are tricked. The first orc is like whistling at her. The second orc, let me re-roll that one. The second orc sounds like he's trying to shout something at the other orcs. You speak a little bit of orcish and you can tell he's trying to warn the other orc.

This is a trap right now. He got a critical hit you think on his Analysis of the situation okay, so I guess the the entire goal here is we're trying to find the key right correct So we need to find out do we look at either the orcs bodies outside you could search them right now I want to see if the orcs outside have the key you search them. They don't have any key no key okay So I think should we just go in fuck these orcs up Just like we got to get through this door. Yeah, let's okay So I'm going to go up to my stepsister and be like hey are these guys bothering you as I go in?

Absolutely she goes no they're cool, and she points them out to you you see in this room You're looking at a ledge that then drops off into a vast deep chasm far down into the earth. Sounds like that's maybe where the key is. And so you are remembering the key fell into a chasm long ago apparently. Which we had an eagle to fly down there. The orcs, the orcs would have, sorry the dwarves would have had this chasm when they originally controlled the mountain and they probably had like a narrow bridge like Khazad-dum in Lord of the Rings

where it's like a narrow bridge that the Balrog was on. But that bridge is broken long ago. You can tell that the orcs tried to rebuild the bridge, but it looks like their bridge is really shitty. It's just one rope going across these chasms and then two hand-hold ropes to climb across. And you can see that there are two orcs on the other side of the chasm. going across these chasms and then two hand-hold ropes to climb across. And you can see that there are two orcs on the other side of the chasm.

One of them has a bow and still has an arrow trained on your sister and your stepsister and on you and is going back and forth and like shouting at the other orc. The other orc had raised an axe like he was going to cut the bridge and then he put his axe down and he's like whistling through his fingers kind of. Okay, so it sounds like these orcs are like bouncers and one of them is like, oh that's a hot chick, you guys can come in, the other sees my whole crew and they're like, too many dudes. Exactly.

Okay, can I bribe the doorman to get in because I've got my gold that my family gave me. You do have the gold 100%. You can shake the gold bag at the orc who's still suspicious of this trap right now. Make me another deception check for yourself. Okay. 15. With a 15 plus eight for deception. You go, hey, want this gold?

And the archer goes, burp. And because you got that number, I'm gonna say he tries to cross over the bridge to come to you. So does the orc with the ax, I'm gonna say. Now he's not being told not to. So the orc with the ax comes over to try to make out with your stepsister

He could succeed at crossing the bridge and he starts going over to your stepsister the orc with the bow Does not do so well as he's coming over for the gold He's almost making it do you kind of like put it out of his reach a little bit and make it hard for him to Reach for the goal. Yeah, I've got it like on a string and I'm just pulling it perfect You're pulling it back the string as he reaches for it. You go for one last pull. He lunges. He's like, Oh, I know this guy's going to try to yank it. He lunges to try to grab it, slips on the rope, screams, falls down into the chasm. Well done. This other work gets very upset immediately stops trying to make out with your stepsister turns and then

immediately realizes my friend was right this is a fucking trap takes his axe and starts getting ready to fight one of you your stepsister is like oh what's going on well I thought we were had something here but this orc is now very suspicious of both of you can she enroll him into initiative he's going to try to do something about instantly redistracted. Oh, he's gonna watch her jugs next turn. Oh, yeah, sure. You can inspire somebody as a bonus action. Yeah, can I inspire my step sister? I would like to inspire her by by maybe

playing some Edmonton Oilers pregame music. Okay, absolutely. And have her react to that however she might. I'll say she gets another deception check on this, or this will be persuasion. She immediately tries to make out with this orc. That's a 16. 16 plus six is what she would also have for persuasion. With a 22, the orc doesn't even get a roll.

He cannot resist your steps sister. And she goes up to him and grabs him and pulls him down and starts making out with him. Wait, wait, wait. No, first she says, do I have your consent? She says, do I have your consent? And the orc goes, fuck yeah. And she pulls him down. They start making out hardcore right in front of the bridge. Ask again, ask again, because she has the consent. Now ask again. About what? The consent, because she says, fuck yeah. When you ask for consent when you already have consent,

that's the hottest. That's what's that. Yeah, so she says, do I have your consent? He says, fuck yeah. And then you say it again. Do I have your consent? And he's like, that's so hot. After you're making out, she learned the ways

of your secret family techniques, and she pulls away just a half an inch and says Wait, I'm sorry. I didn't hear you Losing it and she's grinning like guys exactly It's just for play it's just for play Wayne It's just foreplay. And so, well done. Wayne, absolutely. Both of the Chasm Orcs, one fell into the Chasm, the other one, hardcore making out with your stepsister

until further notice. Nice. Am I getting hot watching this? Roll to see if you're getting hot. This is to resist getting hot. OK, 10. Could be your sister. You're doing OK resisting your pot of this.

But I'm watching. You can voluntarily fail the saving throw and just accept that it is hot. I'm gonna give in to myself. You give in and you just accept like as much as I might be trying to resist it, I can't deny how hot this is 100%. And his tusks are kind of getting in the way of her little bits of Dwarven beard, which all of your sisters would have just a little bit of that going on. And so, but it's hot.

She does have a 19 charisma. It's hot Dwarven beard. And that is gonna bring us from your turn, Wayne. Very well done. The orcs actually, oh sorry. Those were the orcs outside. They're dead now. Erlik, we're up to you now.

Well done. What would you like to do? I think I'd like to disguise myself as an orc and then go deeper into the mountain to set a trap on the other orcs. Absolutely. So you can use the spell. I believe you have the spell disguise self. Is that what you were thinking of? Yes. Immediately you create an illusion of a smaller. I want to be the orc, the orc that fell in. So people think. Oh yes. People think I'm alive. That's perfect because the archer orc was a little bit more gnome size You can definitely create an illusion of the archer orc

Like he's got that like classic like skull cap and everything and like a gnarly bow and now you look like him immediately You can try to cross the bridge. You don't see any other way to go besides crossing the bridge But you know, it's very dangerous You could either look around as a bonus action for a different way to go, or you could try to cross the bridge. Let's just try and cross the bridge. Go ahead and roll a D20.

You'd be adding either athletics or acrobatics to this. If you have either of those skills. If not, you have a plus two for strength basically. No athletics here. Or can't jump. 16. 16 plus two is an 18. You crossed the bridge. No problem. It's a little tough going, but you 2 is an 18. You cross the bridge.

Nice. No problem. It's a little tough going, but you make it to the other side of the ledge. There is a big set of double doors right here, which you could easily push open. And you're just coming home, so you might as well, you know, no one would be suspicious of this. You open up into a larger cavern and there are a bunch of different ways to go. With the little bit of perception you have, I'm going to give you an idea of what you hear down each of these tunnels. But I'm going to start

on your left hand side on the northern side of the room. You're going east direction right now. On the northern side of the room on your left, you see two different hallways. One goes west, back the way you came, and then one goes east east and there is a door along the northern wall that has someone very big and very loud snoring on the other side of it. You can roll an arcana check right now to see if you know. That sounds bigger than an orc. Uh six or nine which one? The dot would be at the bottom. Six. Six. Do you have an arcana bonus under skills? Yes, plus five.

Plus five, with an 11, I'll tell you this, it's definitely bigger than an orc, but it's smaller than a giant. So something in between those sizes. It sounds like this thing is really lazy and it's sleeping in and it's missing work maybe. Absolutely, 100%. Okay. Absolutely. I feel like this might is really lazy and it's sleeping in and it's missing work. Maybe Okay, absolutely. I feel like this is might be you know, like Harry Potter They put the big the big giant thing right in front of the door that they're trying to guard

You you also know you so those three ways to go west east hall and then that northern door to a bedroom apparently or or something snoring there and then on the apparently or something snoring there. And then on the right hand side, the southern wall, there are two tunnels that are sealed up with these wooden frames that are then plugged up with like mud and waddle. It's giving you like prison bar vibes. Like the orcs would come over, yank these plugs out.

They're not doors, they're more like plugs and then put them back in place. You think you hear from one, some sort of like growling, and then from the other, some people maybe talking, and then there is one final tunnel that goes to the southeast kind of ahead of you and then to the right, and you can hear an orc chanting down that tunnel. So you got six different ways to go.

You're disguised at the moment, which way would you like to go what do you guys think should I go I feel I'm gonna be the top him right oh yeah no not yet cuz we haven't crossed the bridge I'm disguised though I'm gonna I'm gonna disguise mission better that you're alone so I feel like if I go to the giant he's not gonna you know give me much information if I go to the orcs I's not gonna, you know, give me much information. If I go to the orcs, I can maybe find some shit out. Okay, trust your gut. Yeah, it's your call. All right, let's go to the chanting orc. You go to the chanting orc abscess you go

down that tunnel. Wrong choice. Wrong choice. You you immediately see that there is an orc woman wearing heavier armor than usual. She has a spear that she is waving over what looked like some potion bottles in front of a roaring fire, like she's cooking them. And then you notice her spear is dripping blood. You're looking for where the blood's coming from. This is hot.

You do not see where the blood is coming from. It's magically generating on the spear and she's dripping the blood into these bottles while chanting and doing some sort of ritual. As she turns it's clear that she's expecting you to know this already but you're shocked slightly when you see an eye patch. She has an eye patch with a crazy bleeding eye symbol. Do you have the religion skill by any chance? I do not. You do not. Roll me a D. Um this wouldn't be arcana. Roll me a D20 plus. Your arcana is plus six.

Plus five. Plus five. So that means you would have a plus two on religion. Roll me a D20 plus two. I got a 13. 13 plus two. This is just enough with a 15 that you know we're dealing with an orcish shaman dedicated to the orc god of bloodshed, Grumpsh the One-Eyed. It is said that the orc god lost his eye fighting the god of the elves and as a result he hates elves now and all of his shamans gouge out their left eye. That is what she did ceremonially and now she has a cool eye patch and can do you think like battle magic and blood magic and stuff like that. She's a very important person in an orc tribe usually, and she starts talking to you in orcish. You don't really speak much orcish.

I will let you try an intelligence check to see if you can speak with her in the language that she knows to be your native tongue. The nine. Nine plus two for intelligence. I will say that you can try to talk to her but you have disadvantage on your checks to talk to her. You think what she's saying to you is how is the chasm? Have you been and she's saying something about your partner, a guy with the axe who would have guarded the chasm with you but you don't know exactly what she's saying. Would you like to say something to her or?

Yeah maybe I act like I'm really drunk. That actually works pretty well. She starts like waving you off like oh you're drunk right now man. You do know that in the cavern you just went through there were like barrels of ale and like crates of food and stuff so the orcs clearly have beer. She knows that she thinks you're a little drunk right now and what are you saying to her? I'm really drunk right now I want to go to sleep where you know can you point me in the right direction? Absolutely. Where's everyone else? Go ahead and roll one persuasion check. 18. But you have disadvantage because you're not speaking work very well roll one more time and take the lower number. 17. 17! Amazing! She goes dude you need to sleep it off.

And she almost kind of starts switching to common a little bit, thinking that it'll like help in a way. And she is speaking very slowly is what she's doing. So it's easier to understand her orcish. She's pointing at things so that you understand. She brings you first of all, she starts bringing you back. You notice she had three potions in case you wanted to grab any of them, but she's leading you out of this room and she is pointing to bedding and animal skins on the northern side of the cavern you were already in and then she tells you something that you do understand.

She points to that bedroom and says, listen, if you really... she's looking at you, looking at these animal skins disappointed because she's not telling you any new information. And she says, that's great Ulf's bedroom. If you want a comfortable bed, you can take it up with him right now, okay? He gets the comfortable bed, okay? If you want a comfortable bed, you can go talk to the chief is what she says.

And you can do with that information, whatever you wish. So now I wanna stumble back to the top of the bridge and wait, wait for everyone. Absolutely 100% Do you bring the shaman with you? Or do you tell her thanks and stumble back? I just tell her thanks. Thanks. And she starts to go back to making her potions. Now you know, the shaman didn't have any backup in there shamans alone in that ritual cavern. And we know where the chief's bed is.

Absolutely. Also say you know, we needed that. And you want to take the chief out is. Absolutely. I'll also say you notice this. We needed that. And, yeah. You wanna take the chief out, take him out when he's sleeping. Yeah, true. And the Chameleon. Sam Bin Laden. In her room, there was a big bonfire

that went up through a hole in the roof, producing a lot of smoke. Almost like that tunnel went up to the top of the mountain or something like that. That's the smoke we saw earlier. And that is gonna bring us to Norm's turn. Next, Norm, what would you like to do? Okay, I think we gotta's the smoke we saw earlier. And that is going to bring us to Norm's turn next. Norm, what would you like to do? OK, I think we've got to get the boys back together here.

And then should we go to where Hank just went? We need to find this key. The key is definitely at the chasm underneath that bridge. We had heard the key fell down into that chasm. And the one hope was that it's either still down there or that the orcs found it and Brought it back up, but if they did which and we think they did Okay, did hear a rumor that they had found the key But then if so which orcas the key and why haven't they opened the vault so off would definitely have probably know that

Oh foot have the key I think chief chief you also know that you haven't she probably has the key You would yeah, she fork all right, so let's go to the chief orcs bed, and let's fuck them up The Chief. Chief. You also know that you haven't crossed. Chief probably has the key. Yeah, he's the Chief. He is the Chief Orc. All right, so let's go to the Chief Orc's bed and let's fuck him up. Yeah. Absolutely. You could get to the bedroom of the Chief Orc,

or now I must emphasize, you heard him snoring and you know for sure with your 11, whatever he is, he's not a giant, but he's definitely not an Orc. He's bigger than an Orc, whoever this great old Chief is. Got no problem. And you could definitely not an orc. He's bigger than an or whoever this great old chief is got no problem And you can definitely get across the bridge can I bring everyone with me? You can't bring everyone with you everyone's got to make one check to get across

It's not a hard check, but it is a risky one Okay And so you can try to cross the bridge or look around for a different way to get across But crossing a bridge is easy for you get advantage on athletics and you have like a plus Yeah, all you need is a ten or higher, and you get two rolls. OK, all right, so I'm going to cross the bridge. That was a six, I think? Yeah, already a success.

But if you get a crit, I'll let you carry people across. That's a nine. No, that was a six again. So you had gotten the higher roll was a six plus seven, with a 13 I'd say I'd let you just barely bring somebody across I think it would have to be Wayne the dwarf Okay, Wayne's Wayne's gonna come with it's all right Absolutely, so you two are both across the chasm and then you see all the same rooms that

Ehrlich had just seen you know that there's two prison doors to the south the room that goes to the shaman Two hallways one goes west one goes east and then the bedroom of great Ulf apparently so great Ulf We're going seal team six on this motherfucker. Absolutely. Yeah, go to his bedroom door. Yep still snoring We're just gonna wait for the the whole squad or just we're just going in why it's my turn So I don't know if I can wait. It's a sleeping guy You gotta go. What you could do is you could ready, but the problem is you can either ready

to kick the door open in Russian or ready to attack and just hope he's right in front of the door, but based on the snoring, you know he's not. So does he only have one eye? We know the shaman only has one eye. Great Ulf, we have not seen him yet. So can I wait for my turn? Can I wait to roll my attack until everyone's with me the problem is if you do that?

Then what you'll be readying is the move to get to great oath not the attack again What spells you have or you could ready and then hope that great off will come to the doorway? Yeah, let me do that. I could do that. I'll just Lightly knock on the door. Okay, you little scratch. What is that? Absolutely? I'm gonna roll to see if great off wakes up, but he has disadvantaged because he's so sleepy No, he does not wake up yet. You try to pound any and let me a little bit more. Okay, I say police open up Okay, he starts to wake up and then you hear another noise inside of there. You hear the snoring And then

Animals inside sounds like dogs okay started waking up as well okay I'm gonna roll them into initiative oh boy okay so we got them going on an 11 right and they will go right after Greg's turn that means norm that was your turn the chasm orcs continue making out with your sister the one orc is continuing to do that and then yes sister step sister 100% we don't know that we don't know that sure the great that'll bring us to you okay so yeah yeah what do I need to do to get cross the bridge since you said you have a moth as an I fly my moth across your mouth I'll fly my mother so you fly can I bring can I bring the hippo or is

he too I would allow you to bring one other person across typically if you have a horse it can carry more than you know just barely two people so I'd say if just to drop him off you can carry him across slowing down but we can he bring Hippo, Hippo Maximus and Hippo Max's eagle? Eagle's dead. Oh, I think you should bring the dead body. It is a shame, but... Where is the dead body of the eagle? It was in the hand of the dead orc who he took the head off of, so you can lovingly pick on the other. I forgot about it.

My bad, my bad. I think we should bring the dead body with us too. Yeah, let's do that. We'll bring the eagle. Can we bring the dead eagle as well? You definitely can. The orcs already have the eagles in their hand. Well, can I just give it to the moth as a tree your moth immediately tries to eat the dead?

Actually, you know what I'm happy that it brought Yeah, and I would like to fly across I like to fly across and then uh Head to the door as well. Absolutely you head over to the door that the snoring has just stopped at would you like to fly across and then head to the door as well. Absolutely, you head over to the door that the snoring has just stopped at. Would you like to ready an attack or would you like to just bust in? I'd like to cast Zone of Truth, please.

Really? What? Absolutely. What? The area of Zone of Truth covers a 10-foot area. Are you casting it such that it will spill into Gradov's bed? I want our crew our whole okay. Absolutely. So it's going to cover outside of great off's bedroom, but it's going

to extend into the bedroom, but also out of the bedroom to encompass anybody who's standing in front of the door. That's got norm immediately norm. You must immediately make a charisma saving throw to see if you go liar liar mode or not So what do I do? You were a 1d 20 you have a plus zero as for You immediately know this norm can no longer lied. Okay. Okay. How much do you make an episode? Seventy five thousand But actually that was three years ago

All right, all right. Absolutely. 100%. I'm going to say that was a bonus action zone of truth right there. Is there any? No, no, I'm going to say it's an action because you also got your moth across 100%. But anybody else who walks into that zone will also have to make the same savings. So I'm in the zone right now? Mm-hmm. Yes. I fucked your gay husband. No! Do I have to roll for anything? Make a wisdom saving throw to see how you feel about that.

It's a one. It's a one, you're devastated by that. Oh my God. It's not gay. In fact. No, it's my gay husband will fuck any dude. I'm gonna mark down that you're shakin' for your next attack.

God damn it. That's why I'm shakin down that you're shaking for your You immediately realize the truth can hurt sometimes Greater Off but uh you're shaking I'm shaking okay, just leave PFT steps us around to dry with the or can we all she? Oh, she is currently making out with the orc on the other side of the chasm keeping him busy as long as she keeps it I'm making out with him. He's stunned Definitely could be a sister. Are you in the zone of truth right? Oh, no, not yet. Not yet Oh, yeah

Now at this point great elf is waking up and he begins to stomp Now at this point, Great Ulf is waking up and he begins to stomp over to the door of the bedroom and you hear the yipping and yapping of these dogs. As they're getting closer you realize, oh they're bigger than you thought. The door gets yanked open and what you see looking at you are a pair of nipples. Oh yeah. Because this guy is so big. He then has to stoop down to see you below the awning of the doorway. Oh my God. It is not an orc. It is an ogre who is staring at us.

He has on one arm a shield that would have been a dwarven tower shield that is strapped to his arm like a buckler and then in his other hand he is dragging a greatsword like the weapon that Norm uses. He's wielding it in a single hand. He looks down and he says, me great Ulf, who the hell are you? And I'll say this, you all know orcs are typically not led by ogres. Ogres are dumber than orcs, so orcs wouldn't really like being led by ogres.

You also know it's on either side of him. Not dogs. A pair of wolves are flanking this ogre. Norm, you have a ready to action right now. Also, he doesn't... He's in the zone of truth. You know he can't tell the truth. Everything he just said is true. He said, I'm great, Ulf, who are you?

You can attack him right now. Yeah, no, we gotta attack him. He's in the zone of truth. I think it's, yeah, you're ready. I'm not ready. We gotta attack him. Absolutely, 100%. You can do an attack with advantage,

roll a d22 times Five five can't see shit nine nine nine plus Seven is a 16 16 is just barely enough It is the number you need to get to hit him on the dot Yeah, and so you can roll 2d 6 plus 6 damage big 3 6 there it is 3 and 6 9 plus 6 while you're raging is 15 damage That's enough to insta kill

Great oh is not an orc.c, he's an Ogre. And you notice that now you can tell he's not even halfway dead yet with 15 points of damage. You think this Ogre has over 50 hit points. He is a beast. I'll also let both of you roll a knowledge check. This can be nature if you have nature. If not, you've got a minus one on this.

You've got a plus zero. Just see what you know about orcs in theory. An eight. An eight. 12. You just know orcs are pretty dumb. You know, they don't really get along with orcs very often. You're surprised that he's saying he's the chieftain here

But that's all you know for sure and you can roll your second attack right now. Okay, when you're ready and ready Great absolutely and you have advantage you can roll one more time just to see if you critical hit 20 20 amazing with reckless mode you are absolutely getting a critical hit on him instead of 2d6 roll me 4d6 this is plus six down where are you attacking him by the way on his body his nipples maybe probably his nipples his nipples are right there in his dick he might be too tall nipples. He might be too tall to hit the head nipples Dick dick you go for the dick six six

Three nine so far One shit Two twelve plus another six is 18 more damage on great off that brings him up to 33 damage on him. He is just barely halfway dead at this point, but now he gets to respond. You swung the first time and you slashed across his chest. He roars, what the hell?

And then you drive your sword forward right through his loin cloth. And he goes no I am going to say not only does he get advantage attacking you he's gonna get double advantage because you chopped his dick off and he's so mad at you that he's gonna roll three times. 19 so far is gonna be a hit he didn't critical you, but he did get a 19 and I am just going to know. He does the same damage you deal on a critical hit.

And so that is going to be 10 so far. And then another eight is 18 plus six is going to be 24 damage against you. But I got 59. You got 59, you're fine. And in fact, because you're raging, you don't take 24 damage, you only take 12. Oh, love it. Points of damage.

Norm, well done. Just a scratch. Excellent, a mere scratch. However, then the wolves are leaping into action because they, you have not attacked them, Greg. They're only going after Norm. The wolves have advantage, I'm sorry to say. So the first wolf hits, second wolf also hits,

and the first wolf is dealing three plus two, is five more damage, which gets reduced to two against you. You are up to 14 damage from the wolves norm. And then the second wolf is dealing five plus two is seven. That gets reduced to three. You're up to 17 damage from these attacks. And just roll me two strength saving throws. The wolves are trying to pull you down to the ground.

That's a 14. That's a 10. Both of those are successes. Well done. You are fighting off all of these troops. And then at the very end of his turn, great elf yells as loud as he can for reinforcements. It is loud enough that the shaman is on her way. I'm gonna roll to see. The shaman's going last. Shit. And then, when we are at the bedroom of Great Ulf, you are noticing, bedroom's a dead end. You don't see any vault doors, there's just a bed, or three dwarven beds that have been pushed together. Yeah. And then you see there's a hallway to the west

and a hallway to the east. Hallway to the east goes 30 feet and ends in an ordinary door. Hallway to the west goes 30 feet and ends in an ordinary door. Hallway to the west goes 30 feet, ends in an ordinary door, but has a big dwarven statue in the wall right next to the door. That door is the door where you suddenly hear a bunch of orcs getting ready. I'm gonna roll to see when they go.

They're gonna be going- Not great, not great. Right before Greg's next turn, after Norm's next turn. So these are gonna be so great. Not great. Right before Greg's next turn after Norm's next turn. So these are gonna be. Remember they said east. Yeah. But we have no key. But it could be west.

Why would they have that if they're protecting the door? And that was great Ulf's turn. What if he's. Hippo Maximus, we are up to you now. What if he swallowed the key? Who swallowed the key? The fucking guy we're trying to kill. So why?

That's why they never opened. Are there any like drawers or chests in the bedroom you see? There is a chest in the back of the bedroom. Yes We got to finish should I go for the ogre or the chest max hates chests do you have the nature skill? Oh, yes, I do. I love three on each I have arrived in this room roll a nature check to see what you know about ogres. What do I roll? There'll be a d20 20 and you'll add whatever your nature skill bonuses Fuck it's a two Anything useful about ogres here, unfortunately, okay. Okay, or any clue so I am going I'm gonna go for the chest

I think that the chest would be where you would keep something like that. Absolutely. Now. Here's the problem The chest is inside the room. We should just barely see the chest around this big old fucking ogre and two wolves. To get around this ogre, you could do it, but you couldn't do it in human form. You would have to turn into a really tiny animal. The problem is, the smaller the animal is, as we saw in the case of the eagle, the less hit points it has. So if you turn into an animal small enough to squeeze past them, you're definitely gonna have less than five hit points

What's like a small but mighty animal? A dung beetle there are typically not too many animals They're d&d that are both really tiny and have a ton of hit points. Be a bee cicada Okay, I'll be a cicada. Okay, I'll be a cicada. Yeah, I'll give it to hip. Okay. Wait, it's really like if you get trying to get to the chest, right? That's the important thing. So really what you're trying to do is be sneaky. I will say in cicada form, you're going to have a plus five on stealth for sure. Wow. That's huge. Okay. So blind. They also make a lot of noise. Yeah. Oh boy. That's a bad choice of animals. skaters just died now. They just come up to the big cicada. We told you ten different animals

You chose cicada you be no your cicada already be be no be Bumblebee that we're going with no I'm gonna be these are sims. I want to be like a wasp Why not a bee it's not a bee all right? We'll wasp. Okay, I mean it's a form of B. White, Anglo-Saxon Protestant. I'll say wasp. He's just turning into a dude. He tells the orc that his dad will sue him. It'll be a wasp.

You suddenly, your finances stat goes way up. You are absolutely able to turn into a wasp 100%. I'd even say a wasp can sting people for one point of damage. Love that, love that. So you turn into a wasp? Yes, waspp you are buzzing a decent amount of wasps for him, so I will give you a plus four on self You can roll d20 plus four. He turns like the two loudest bugs. Buzz past this uh come on Max 14 14 plus that was before the plus four I assume yes It's an 18 you definitely get past the ogre. He doesn't notice much.

The wolves, more importantly, were looking around. They sniff the air. Actually, you said, it was an 18, right? That's literally the number you needed to get to hide from the wolves. So just barely, one of the wolves looks over, tries to snap the air, but loses track of you. You fly over the wolf's head.

You fly over to the, there's a nasty bed. There's a big chest Um, you can absolutely fly over to the chest However, you're suddenly realizing in a wasp form the chest isn't locked But you cannot lift the lid of a chest in the last form now I will let you change out of wasp form and then lift up the chest and then that's all you get to do on your Turn is like grab something out of the chest Is it a wooden chest it is a wooden chest there a gap in the middle of like the chest you could slide in I would like to slide in no into the next then it's very dark in the chest

You're looking over thing in the entire world. No, I would love to slide into them. You don't even like sliding in the chest What do you mean you hate sliding in? I love sliding in the chest. I'm a bee. I'm a bee I'm small enough to slide in the chest. You're a wasp. You're in the chest. I'm a bee. I'm a bee. I'm small enough to slide in I'm not a bee, you're a wasp. You're a wasp. I'm a wasp It's the same thing I would like to go into that chest. Absi, roll me a d20 plus four to slip in through the cracks of the chest It's only a ten or higher you need

Let's get in this chest, baby Eight eight plus four you're squeezing you're squeezing Make me a perception check 1b 20 plus whatever your perception skill is that wouldn't change You have the perception skill by any chance. I don't think you don't then you have a plus three do your wisdom go ahead and roll d20 plus three Jesus Christ come on Max That was one time you really can't see it all 18 Enough that you can see everything that's inside this chest First thing you notice is the glow of some magic runes. There is a small magic sword in here. It's

definitely not Durgett in his cool magic axe. It is a sword, first of all. It's, you think, dwarven made, but it's only a short sword. It's magical you can tell that for sure. There's also a lot of gold in this chest There's some armor you search it completely Nokii in this chest Is there anything helpful that I could take out of this chest the magic sword is probably the best thing in this chest right now Would be your guess gold is obviously always useful, but not so much in a dungeon and There's some armor

But you're are you wearing the ad armor you could use that magic sword You can take the sword abc you you can land on the sword all right because I'm so lost Yeah, you can't pick it up. I can't pick up that now if you were to change back into human form you know the Wooden chest is not so strong that it could contain you and crush you you would burst out of this chest with the sword in your hand. That would be pretty cool. As a wasp could he find that chimney where the smoke is coming out of and fly down through the chimney? Yes 100% you could definitely. Because I feel like that chimney might lead to the safe to the

vault. Could I do that instead of trying to get the sword? I would let you fly back out of the chest if you wanted to, 100%. I would not make you roll for it. And I would let you fly out of here and try to fly up to that. Yeah, 100%. OK, then yes.

I think that's probably. It's a lot of movement I'm giving you, but I'm going to allow it. You fly back. Well, you'll have to fly past Great Elf again. I'm going to need another stealth check. So if you want to risk this, you can fly back out Well, you'll have to fly past great Ulf again. I'm gonna need another stealth check So if you want to risk this risk and fly back out of the room roll one more d20 plus four You need an 18 or higher, you know

Now that would be a three three plus four is not enough you try to fly out of this mountain So you can go up to where that smoke and cloud was but instead Great Ulf sees you he goes to swat you first of all but at least he's beefy right how many hit points does he have as a wasp three hit points pretty courageous I will also give you an armor class of like 14 but it's no good immediately great Ulf swats you and what happens is he swats you against the wall Splat and then all of a sudden it rumbles and then suddenly like a What do they call it when you throw the little things the foam things into the water and they grow? sponge things

Hmm Like a chieftain Suddenly you bath bombs. You start growing out of the wall. When you kill a druid in their animal form, they just change back into their druid form. Now he did slap you for five points of damage. So your wasp only absorbed three of the damage. You take another two points of damage.

But you push his hand off the wall. You land right next to Gradov. And he goes, looks at his hand, looks at you, looks at his head. What the fuck? I, my hand can turn bees into people. And he's very excited right now. But he's also worried about who you are and he still wants to fight norm right now. And so I'm going to mark you down with two points of damage, Hippo Maximus. And that is going to bring us from your turn to Wayne's turn now. Okay quick stop at Dungeons and Dragons for the Row Back question. rhobackk.com promo code take 20% off your first purchase. Q-zips, polos, hoodies, joggers, shorts. Row Back

question Max, this is your first time doing Dungeons and Dragons as a competitor. How do you think it's going for you? It's going all right for me. I thought I would be dead by now, but I'm, I'm still hanging on. What was the thing? Your little Eagle Eagle died. Yeah. You killed, you killed my Eagle. I didn't mean to do that. Yeah, you did. No, I didn't. You, yes. Yes, you did. Things happen in the moment when you said he wasn't the guy when you're in Dungeons and Dragons. Now I'm remembering I did mean to do that Well, that was the row back question rho back.com use promo code take go buy q-zips polos hoodies joggers shorts and Swimsuits rowback.com promo code take okay back to Dungeons and Dragons

Okay, so I still have to cross this bridge right still need to well. No you got carried I am in the zone of truth then You landed in the zone of truth absolutely So we know that we can't find the key inside this place right? Like the Ulf doesn't have it on his body Doesn't seem to have it, it's not in his chest And we think it fell into the chasm But then we also learned it got found again by an orc yeah Yeah so I gotta go through one of these doors

One of the two doors Definitely, also when you see great off make me a knowledge check to see what you know about ogres okay just be 20 plus 3 yeah 7 you don't know any useful information about ogres unfortunately so yeah you can definitely go after the ogre or pick one of these other doors okay so I'm gonna pick the door that has the statue on it. The door with the statue. Now that's the door that when you're looking at Great Elf goes west and it has a bunch of orcs beyond that door who are about to go. Are you okay with going to that door?

Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. As you approach, you... Yeah, as you're getting closer, what are you doing? Going up to the door and opening it? Yeah. Absolutely. As soon as you start, you're noticing that this is a bigger than life-size dwarven statue.

It has an axe and a helmet whose visor is down right now, almost like he's standing at attention. You go over to open up the door, is that right? And you know that there's gonna be, sounds like a bunch of orcs on the other side. You're okay with that? Yeah, I'm fine with that. Absolutely.

As soon as you are approaching the door, suddenly you realize beneath your feet, the floor is sinking. And then you realize, no, only one of your feet, the floor is sinking. And you look down, Indiana Jones style, one of the stones has sunk into the ground like a pressure plate. I'm gonna need you to make a dexterity saving throw to jump out of the way before you set off the trap.

That is not... So 10. 10 plus 3 is a 13. You needed a 15 or higher. Just barely you jump back, but you hear a click as the pressure plate clicks into place. The visor of the Dwarf's helmet starts to slide up. Did you already open the door at this point? Yes. Yes. So you push the door open, you see not one, not two, not three, but four orcs in that room, one of whom is standing taller than all the other orcs and giving orders. That orc is wearing plate mail and he has gray skin. Roll me an arcana check to see if you know what this is.

Seven. Seven, you do not know. You know that you've heard of a kind of orc called, because you have a plus four on this, so that's an 11. You've heard of a kind of orc called an aurog. If anyone knows from Lord of the Rings, the uruk-hai. Uruk-hai is a copyrighted term, aurog is not. And so this is an aurog. And so, but it looks like a gray-skinned

super-orc, you think, that is like better and stronger than an ordinary orc. That's all you really know. He's giving the orders here, and then he sees the visor of the Dwarven statue's helmet rising up, and he starts to go, oh shit, and shake his head like this. There's no face on the other side of the dwarves visor. It's just an empty space in the wall and a metal pipe that goes right up to where the visor was. And suddenly you just barely hear, and a ripple in front of the pipe. You can make another knowledge check

to see if you know what's going on. Oxide. It's got a team. We're in Nick's apartment. That's all it does. Yeah. No, we're scaling up this hallway and that room. You still got your action, your bonus action. Okay. Am I trapped right now? Right now? I'm actually going to need you to immediately make a constitution saving throw. Luckily, because you're a dwarf, you have advantage, roll one more time on that. That was halfway. It was a cock die, I actually agree, 100%.

It was a 20 roll on eight. Nah, not better, okay. So with a 10, you needed a 15 or higher, and you have maybe a plus two on this. Not quite enough, you are gonna be taking a total of 13 poison damage right now Wayne and you're taking the full amount and I'm stuck and you're not stuck You can run in any direction you want and you can do whatever action or bonus action you want your bonus

I could be inspiring somebody or even healing yourself. Okay, can I inspire Hank? You definitely could inspire Hank. What do you say or play to inspire Hank? Let's see, what do you mean, what do I play? When you inspire somebody, you're either playing music or you're like a coach telling them, I believe in you, you can do it. What would you like to do or say to inspire?

I'd like to inspire him to be able to jump higher by playing I Believe I Can Fly. Absolutely, classic inspirational music you are playing, I Believe I Can Fly. Absolutely. Classic inspirational music you are playing, I Believe I Can Fly. It's definitely going to help you with any checks, but I'll say if you jump with it, you'll get even more of a bonus. Yeah, I'd like to increase his jumping ability. And I'd also, can I inspire him to come take on all the orcs

at the same time? I mean, yeah. You can't influence Ehrlich unless you cast a charm person spell upon him, in which case you can. Yeah, I'd like to do that. Absolutely. I'd like to send him in there first. Would you do charm person which makes him think you're best friends and makes it easier for you to persuade him?

Or do you want to do suggestion? That's Jedi mind trick. Wait, we're not best friends? Yeah, I'd like to make him believe I'm his best friend, but I'm actually hoping that he goes in there and he gets killed instead of me. Absolutely. You don't need to roll anything. As you cast charm person on Ehrlich, Ehrlich, I'm You don't need to roll anything. As you cast Charm Person on Erlich, Erlich, I'm gonna need you to roll Wisdom Saving Throw.

The higher you roll, the more you resist this. 17. It does not affect him. Now you still can make a persuasion check to try to influence him, but because he's not charmed, Hank could literally say there's no number you could roll that will influence me. Unless it's like a 20.

If you roll exactly the number four, then. Okay, that's a low number, but okay. Not four or higher, just the number four. Just the number four. It's a five. Oh, so close. I can't see him. We're doing the ball, got it, absolutely.

And yeah, unfortunately, he doesn't seem like, you try to persuade him to do that and he- But he can still jump high. No, he's not charmed. He can still jump high, yes. Absolutely. Now, are you staying in this hallway or are you trying to leave this hallway?

You could go back to Great Ulf or go into this. By the way, the room with these four orcs is just a barracks with another door leading further west. I kind of like how this poison's making me feel. You get a pretty good head rush off it. If you stay here, then if they try to fight you, they're gonna have to stay in the poison gas. Yeah, y'all do that. So I'm gonna roll their saving throws right now. They're kind of rushing up to you like trying to barrel past you or attack you but either way they have to get closer to the poison. So

the first orc got a natural one. immediately. The Auroch, the super orc with gray skin goes no and he got really upset you know just enough orcish that he said son saw that guy die. And then the next work is just barely going to take the full damage and the last work is also going to take the full damage smoke these guys out the full damage for them is only seven points of damage. So they are halfway dead with seven points of damage. And then the Auroch is going to roll his saving throw.

He passed his saving throw and is only going to take just one of these eight points of damage. OK, that was even worse for him. Eight points of damage on the Auroch, but he's not halfway dead. The orcs at seven are halfway dead. And that will bring us then to Ehrlich's turn. Ehrlich, you have inspiration.

What would you like to do? Hank, we gotta find this, I think the fucking, the main shaman guy, what's his name? It was a woman. No, no, no. The doctor was a woman? There's the shaman.

The ogre? The chief? There's also the Aurog. I think the chief has the key. We gotta just, got to tell him Hey, dude, let's let's there's five of us There's one of you give us the fucking key and let's go. Let's go to the chest right now All right, so I'll cast a level one charm spell. Absolutely

Who are you trying to charm the Auroch the shaman or great? Oh the great old Scott the key the great old great old fab So you do a charm person spell or three You don't have to roll anything for charm person. I need to roll to see if he can resist the spell What are you saying to charm him anything in particular? Nice place you got here. Okay? Shame if you give me Told us where to go.

This place is really cool. I bet you could hide some really cool stuff here. And then he wants to be like, yeah, yeah, look. This is where I hide the key. You have no interest in what we said. Absolutely. He rolled really well to resist your charm person. Do you want to burn up your inspiration to try?

Actually, you could do this right now. You could use cutting words upon a great Ulf right now if you wanted to and that could reduce his saving throw to make him charmed by Ehrlich. Yes I would like to do that. I'd like to insult him. You have to insult him though. What do you say to him? Be like hey nice dick. Oh absolutely his dick is flopping around on the floor. Automatic success with that cutting words 100%. He immediately becomes charmed by Ehrlich and he begins to get tears in his eyes Because of his fallen dick and he is going to say to you. I don't have nothing to hide What do you do you ask him anything more specific?

Where's he not even a key? He shakes his head Thank always is like are you sure with this second question? And I would like literally just fucking asked me So so you asked about the key he says he does not know about any key wait Is he still in the circle of truth he is in the zone of truth you know that however both you and Wayne? Can make insight checks real quick. Roll me a d20 plus insight to see if you are noticing something.

16. I'm 15. And you with your insight bonus are both going to notice this. The Aurog, who is moving into melee with Wayne, the moment you mentioned a key, his eyes went wide. Oh. Also, Erlich, I never gave you a chance to do this. Roll me a knowledge check to see what you know about ogres.

Thirteen. Finally! The person dressed as an ogre knows about ogres. You know the only reason an ogre would be the leader of an orc tribe is because orcs have a rule. If you defeat their chief in combat, you become the new chief. However, they would not want an ogre as a chief. You're noticing now the orog has a lot of scars and he looks like he's kind of old at this point. Oh, former chief.

And you know he has just told you after this unfortunate kind of waste of a charmed person spell that he doesn't know about any key, but now you're thinking the orog does. You still get your bonus action. Is there anything else you want to sayg does you still get your bonus action. But if we kill the chief does that person become the chief? Apparently yes. But Aurog has the key. So I'll fireball him. Aurog? I'll allow this. I'll say the charm person was a bonus action. You could do a fireball. The fireball will hit a big area. So if you fireball great Ulf

You'll You'll definitely hit somebody that's all right I'm willing to go down fireball the or and avoid hitting Wayne because you can get all Two of the remaining orcs and the Auroch all three of them in a fireball without hitting Wayne Yeah, are you drawing first blood Hank? We need the Auroch the Auroch has the key if we kill the orog we get the key right we could get the key from the oracle kill the ogre chief and demand it told you he didn't have the ogre orc the or fireball the or his eyes went wide and so you fireball the orog and his two orc minions is that right absolutely you don't need it's gonna be

a total of 8d6 in all so you can roll all gonna be a total of eight D six in all. So we can roll all of those a total of eight times. I'm gonna roll for- Three, four? Yes, three, four, so seven. Two, one. 10 so far. Threes.

Sorry, three total. Three, three. Three and three, so 16. And then two more. Five, one. Three and three, so 16. And then two more. Five, one. Five and one, so another six. That's gonna bring us up to 22 points of damage. The first orc incinerated completely.

The second orc just barely incinerated. Just barely incinerated. Well done. It's just the Aurog now. And the Aurog gets a natural one on his saving throw. He had more than 22 health but you didn't do 22 damage to him. 44 damage to him! He explodes! Get that key.

A beautiful platinum key goes flying through the air. Ehrlich, I will let you try to jump up and catch that key. Oh, he can jump so high. Oh, and you'll have inspiration on this if you need. Roll me one D20 first. Seven. Seven. So you're about to lose the key

and it might fall anywhere unless you use the bardic inspiration that Wayne gave you. If you do, I will let you roll not a d8 but instead a d10 to add on to your roll but you need a 15 or higher no just a 10 or higher just a 10 or higher to catch the key as long as you don't get a 1 or a two. You gotta just get 10. Seven. Seven, plenty, absolutely 100%. You catch the key, you've got the key now. The Aurog is dead. The shaman's kind of on her way, but hasn't even arrived.

Greedolf is badly injured. You don't know where the vault is, but there is a pair of prison doors you haven't checked and one hallway to the east that we have not explored yet. East, he always said east. And that is gonna bring us from the end of your turn, Erlich, to Norm's turn now. I fall along.

That's right, but Hank went west for some reason. No, I said maybe it's west. All right, so we got the key, I want all my boys, let's go east through this door, let's get the fucking prize. Now, currently, Erlich has the key. Would you like to ask him for the key or... I wanna... Can I ask for all my boys to come with me to the east?

Certainly. Alright. I accept. Would you like to come with me to the east? I accept. Yo, let's roll. Hank. I'm willing to do whatever I can. Alright, mount up.

I'm willing to do whatever I can. This is awesome. Let's go. We're doing it this time. We're doing it this time. You currently have the ogre right in melee with you. He sees you going towards the eastern door. It looks like he is going to try to attack you.

You can either try to kill him right now and then run for the eastern door or you could say something to get him to stop fighting. Yeah, dude, hey, listen man. Can I heal his dick? Can I put his dick back on his body? Yes, I would allow that 100%. You can use lay on hands to heal his dick You have to ask him

Yeah, yeah, yeah Heal his dick and then we'll be like, bro, no harm, no foul, just let us go Well, let's ask him first if he'll stop if we give his dick back Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you want to chill out? We'll heal your dick You can use intimidation on this You say, if you don't stop right now, we're not going to heal your dick And you have not advantage on this double advantage all three times in all cuz he desperately wants his dick Okay, that was a one that was bad

That was a six that was also did you can't heal my dick. That was a seven a little bit better Well, you've rolled three times this highest was a seven. Is that right? Yeah. I will roll and he, you got a seven plus one, I think for your charisma, let's say. Oh no, yeah, one for intimidation, that's right. So you got an eight. If he rolls a seven or less, he will be tricked into, and he got a six. Well done.

He stopped fighting. Do you heal his dick? I pick up that big dick and reattach it. I reattach it 100% and he goes, My hug! Yes! And he immediately reaches down and just starts shaking it. Yes, yes.

Your stepsister arrives and great Ulf, because he just rolled a total of a one on an intelligence check, he starts shaking it to make sure it works. And then he looks around and just keeps shaking it. It's working, it's working. And check he starts shaking it to make sure it works and he looks around just keeps shaking it is working it's working and he keeps shaking it and his eyes start to glaze over a little bit and you start backing away maybe a little bit great office car jerking it right now absolutely he's leaving the bedroom door open but you're pretty sure you could just shut the

bedroom right now and you hear him still in the zone of truth saying God this feels good I would like you to roll for your sister just to make sure she doesn't go in there with step sister to make sure she's in there with her. Could maybe be your sister. Five or less I was gonna say means she wants to go in there with great Ulf. It's your sister bro. Do you let her go in there with great off? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Absolutely. She disappears into the bedroom. Do I think that's kind of hot? She's getting around.

Yeah. If you voluntarily fail the saving throw, then hell yeah. Yeah, zone of truth? Yeah, I think it's kind of hot that she's watching. Wait, zone of truth, Tim, is it his sister or step sister? She calls out. He says, what about your brother? And he goes, don't worry.

He is my stepbrother. No, you fumbled. Actually stepbrother. You fumbled the bag there. All right, we're going to the east, and we're going to go get this treasure. You throw open the eastern door, revealing nothing in the room except a 30-foot tall, 30-foot wide vault door

laced with gold and platinum. Now as we open the door, do we want the finale ending or the cliffhanger ending to set us up for next episode? Oh shit. I'll leave it up to us. Let's finish where we started. I always leave it up to the AWLs as well. We haven't tried to do a repeat in a while.

Based on whether we're gonna do a sequel to this adventure or not. We haven't done a cliffhanger in forever, huh? This can be a three-part adventure. Oh my God. As what I told the AWLs to see if they like wanna do a sequel to this one or not. Most of them are just doing one,

just for birthdays or something. This is also the first time we've ever made it through an entire episode not killing each other. Except for the bird, the eagle died. You killed it. You killed it. No, I didn't kill it. He went out.

And the moth. He went out a soldier. No, you killed it through your expectations. And the moth. He went out a soldier. I think we gotta leave the cliffhanger. You killed it. Well, yeah, I didn't kill it. No, and the mob. He went out a soldier. No, you killed it through your expectations. And the mob. He went out a soldier. I think we've got to leave the cliffhanger. Cliffhanger. It's great. It's probably going to get...

No, she's just watching him jack off. That's silly. You... It's so much better. It's so much better. I've heard that excuse a million times. You all together open up the vault door. There's a hiss of air as like steam comes out and you see a pedestal with a glowing pillar of light and in that pillar of light like a museum

case you see hovering in the center absolutely fucking nothing. The gold on the ground is visibly missing except for a few scattered coins. There are empty weapon racks on the wall and in the back of the vault there is a hole that someone dug into the back of the vault, revealing a secret staircase. A miner. Going deeper down into the mountain and you hear back in great elf's bedroom Ah, and that we will end our Today well done everybody

Excellent job. We will need to go deeper into the foundry. Oh look like Louis CK by any chance Yes, 100% Yeah, absolutely that was fantastic. That was a blast. Absolutely great job, everybody. You didn't kill each other. That was unbelievable. That was pretty amazing. We did the mission. We fucking did it. I'm very impressed. That must be amazing. Also, shout out to Stephanie and Katie Graber.

So, Katie's been like a day one AWL part of my take. And she bonded with her sister, who's a big D&D fan, watching these episodes, Tim. So bringing families together. And Stephanie, she has a company called Boss Goblin. Or excuse me, no, she is the boss goblin at Tabletop Lute. And they were the ones, I believe, for revising the dice and the dice trays.

Absolutely, 100%. They are great, 100%, absolutely, yes, yeah. Okay, well, Tim, thank you you so much will you be back? I will be definitely. You know what I was looking for. Absolutely 100% yes. Yes you will. Alright great job boys.

My pleasure. Okay that's Dungeons and Dragons our best one yet. To be continued. Yeah. I like that. I did like that one guy tweeted me last week and said, I wanted you guys to play the whole thing out and not kill Hank. And then the week that he's been on, I want you to kill him right away.

I wish we had known that because we taped it about a month ago and we actually didn't kill him this time. Yeah, but it was good team ago and we actually didn't kill him this time. Yeah, but it was good team building and we're definitely going to kill him in the follow-up episode. Yes, 100 percent. Okay, numbers. 30. 20. 56. 8. 3. 99, Pogue. 48! Bitches love the gram I'll say it anyway, today's not my day To find you shying away I'll be coming for your love again Take on me Take me on Take on me Take me to the bigger, bigger day Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, Slowly learning that life is okay Say after me

It's no better to be safe than sorry Take on me Take on me Take on me I'll be gone, little dear I'll be gone, little dear I'm coming home fine All the things that you say

Is it a lie, though? Just to play my worries away You're all the things I've got to remember You're shining away I I've got to remember And you're shining away I'll be coming for you anyway Take on me Take on me Take me on

Take on me I'll take on The day on me Day on me Day on me I'll take on Day on me Day on me Day on me, take me on Take on me, take on me

Take me on, take on me