Pardon My Take - Brooks Koepka, Mt Flushmore Of Appetizers, And Deep Dive On Cryptic Zoology

Episode Date: April 13, 2020

We're back in the wasteland of Quarantine. XFL is gone and MLB has some weird way of coming back to life.(2:409:41) Who's back of the week including Big Cat's belly button. (9:42-18:40) Brooks Koepka comes back on the show to talk about Golf coming back, what it was like to do ESPN the Magazine body issue, and being part of our Handball team. (20:48-44:18)Segments include Sorry not Sorry for Mike Gundy, (45:44-48:02) Sabermetrics, (48:03-50:03) Mt Flushmore of appetizers and Deep dive (50:04-1:01:20) with Billy Football Cryptic Zoology and the creation of the Beserker Blood Cult (1:02:39-1:20:20)You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/PardonMyTake

Hey, pardon my take listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen, ad-free, on Amazon Music. On today's part of my take, we have our good friend Brooks Kepka on the show. Check in with Brooks, figure out what's going on with him, how he's going to attack this shortened golf season. Also tells us an all-time story about ESPN the magazine, or no, his GQ, no, it's ESPN the magazine's bodies issue, when he had to be naked all day.

Always great to catch up with him. We also have our deep dive with Billy Football, Mount Flushmore of appetizers, and who's back of the week. Before we do all of that, part of my take is brought to you by the Cash App, not only is it the easiest place to send money to your friends, it's the safest. It is the number one app for social distancing because you don't have to go and hand someone money or be face-to-face to do your transactions if you want to send money to a family member, a friend, if you want to send money to a waiter or a bartender or your favorite restaurant.

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So download the Cash App from the App Store or Google Play Store today and get involved with the Cash App. Okay, let's go. We're going to be there with violence, and then a lot of work to be done. No place to hang alone washing, and then I can't play all on the sun. Oh no, we're gonna rock down to Elec Trick Avenue. And then we'll take it higher. Oh, we're gonna rock down to Elec Trick Avenue.

Welcome to part of my take presented by the Cash App code downloaded right now, use code Barstool. You get $10 for free, $10 the ASPCA. Today is Monday, April 13th, and I don't know, week five, week five, week five, the start of week five of No Man's Land. Sports are back. It's the start of the, it's the first quarter of the second quarter of the NFL season of No Man's Land with no sports, but we did have horse last night, which I'll tell you right

now, I did not watch, did not tune into that. Zach Levine, that's really the only, Zach Levine who competes in every single, like, off the books contest there is, that the NBA can throw at you. Chris Paul, Paul Pierce, really no interest in it whatsoever. Yeah, I'm not gonna watch it either, unless Zach Levine wins, and I'll probably raise a banner in the United Center. But it is this weird, we're in the spot, I think it was Friday maybe, was the official month that we have had no sports.

Like the official mark of like, you have now gone one month without any sports. And it's weird how normal it's starting to feel as much as I miss it, I'm getting scared because it's like day after day, it becomes more normal, this weird fucking existence where we wake up and just do the same thing over and over and over. I need something to break it up. Dana White, I need you to get fight Island going. I need something, even the MLB throwing out the different divisions that they would use where they're saying they're gonna do a shortened season and have it be all played in Florida

and Arizona, even that got me excited. I was like, ooh, this is kind of a cool idea. And I'm actually all for this because it's gonna be such a weird season anyway, if they play a shortened season, then why not have just completely random divisions and have it be something totally different where we always look back and we're like, oh yeah, that was the season that the Cubs were in the same division as the Giants or you know, whatever whatever they all break down to be, why not do that? It'll be fun to at least watch something totally different.

Right. The only thing that we have pulling us forward right now is the NFL draft. And thank God that that's there because that's at least giving us something to talk about. It feels normal that it's going to happen. Besides that, the only other NFL news is Mike Florio getting mad about players breaking social distance and guidelines. Like he is a one man wrecking crew here. Florio, this is like his time to narc on everybody that's practicing.

So the Cowboys are addicted to breaking quarantine. The Dallas Cowboys got together, Dak Prescott through to like Des Bryant. I think Cooper was there a bunch of people. And then they had a party. They had a party versus a quarantine party, which is kind of a weird thing to do. And then if you're going to have a quarantine party, the rules should be like put your phone in this basket so that Florio doesn't talk about us all day on Sunday. He was right about that one.

I mean, having a party is certainly saying, I don't care. I'm rich. Who cares about all these rules? And I think we need what we really need more than anything is we need like a concerted PSA that gets put out across all messages where it basically is all your favorite football players saying, if you don't stay at home and follow these rules, we won't have football because that's that's how the world needs to understand this problem. Because it clearly like just saying stay at home for the health of your family members.

People are like, fuck my family. I don't care about Nana. Well, how about stay at home so that you can watch week six Thursday night football. The Jaguars play the Titans. Now you're going to stay at home forever. That's what I'm saying. I never want to leave. I will stay inside all summer for means that we have football in the fall.

Like, but I think that colleges, there's just no chance that they're going to give up an entire football season. They're going to figure out a way to make their free money. Like without that free money, I then the incident, what's the NCAA even going to do? That might be actually silver lining to this whole thing. Like we saw the XFL, they had to close their doors over the weekend. A lot of like sports businesses are having to shut down because they don't have their income. The NCAA, if they miss a football season, they might have to just declare bankruptcy.

I don't know. Can the NCAA run out of money? I think they have like billions and billions of dollars stashed away. At least I assume at the very least, if we take away, you know, they lost March madness. They're worried about losing college football. Maybe they'll just come out with another NCAA football game. Like break glass in case of emergency. Will we need to make money somehow?

So fuck it. Let's just turn to EA sports. Shout out, by the way, the guy who's totally lost his mind more than anyone in the world who is invited to come on and rehabilitate the fact that he can't have a coherent thought anymore, like more than one coherent thought in a 24 hour span. Darren Ravel, who tweeted out the ultimate troll about the XFL only playing what? 20 games in the AF lasting 34. And then everyone's saying cool tweet, dude.

And he basically was like, well, the context is implied. Everyone knows the context. Such a classic Ravel, like looking for the negative interaction and then being like, you guys are the stupid ones because clearly everyone knows what I mean. I'm going to ban. I'm personally banning muting or I'm muting replies. And I'm personally banning responding to Darren Ravel's tweets because that's all he has going for him right now.

Correct. To Darren, his personal sport has always been how many replies can I get telling me I'm a nerd to any given tweet or calling me a narc or reporting me to the police. So I think the only way to fight that is just not pay attention. So I'm turning a blind eye to Darren and then, and then replying to a few select few being like, Hey, I was a nerd in high school, but now I'm rich and I have a family. And it's like the Michael Scott, like I want to have a family of a hundred kids. So that way none of them can ever say no to me and they all have to be my friend.

Yeah, he makes his kid. He's going to make his kids reply to his tweets when we all stop doing it. And your kid too, because he controls your kids. Yeah, he does. That was a normal thing that he did. You're going to start that up. Revelle, he's going off the deep end big time. And you know what?

The XFL, it sucks, but I am declaring DC defenders champions of on behalf of the city of DC, I am accepting the XFL championship for the DC defenders. Congrats to you guys. It's not how we wanted to win it, but the stats don't lie. So first place in the beast, toughest division, hardest strength of schedule. I'll take it. They lost to the Vipers. That's fine.

Vipers were terrible. Mark trust. That's fine. I mean, hey, they lost to the Vipers. The Chiefs lost a couple of games this year too. Yeah, that's true. They did the Vipers. All right.

So let's do who's back. We got it. We got a good show. We got Brooks Caput coming up. We have Mount Flushmore and then we have Billy's deep dive, which what is Billy doing today? Do we know? I forgot.

Crypto Zoology, maybe. Yeah. So that should be a good one. I was like, let's try and keep it tight. And he said, okay, just big foot then. Whatever that means. I don't know what that means, but I just all roads are going to read back to berserker mode with Billy this summer.

I have a feeling that he's just trying to weave that into whatever conversation. Crypto Zoology. And we have a bunch of really good draft content coming up in the next like week and a half. All right, and stay tuned for the end of the show. Cause like, yes, is doing a little outro form because I kicked his ass on the peloton. Yes. Yes.

So that will be it'll be great to hear him have to sing. Who's back in the week? Hank, you start. Um, I was back the week is the suns humans versus sons. I'm sure you guys tuned in, although probably not cause neither did I, but there was the NBA, they had the NBA players play in like a two K tournament. And the championship was Devin Booker versus Deondre Hayden. So they might not be the best NBA basketball team, but they are definitely

the most skilled NBA two K team. Uh, Devin Booker won the whole thing and sons are back. Is this probably they should, they should raise a banner in whatever their arena is called cause they probably don't have much else going on there. Is this one of those situations where winning this is kind of like telling on yourself that you're really good at a video game? Yeah. I mean, that's kind of what people, there's a lot of people making jokes.

Like the fact that it's two sons in the championship doesn't really mean that's not a good thing. I don't think. No, although it could be a good thing because I think weren't the San Antonio Spurs back when they were awesome with Tim Duncan and Tony Parker and Chernobyl, they were such nerds and so boring that they didn't go out at all. They just played video games together at each other's houses. So either means that you have an awesome team or that you probably have the worst team.

Yeah, I think I think those days of video game shaming are over. I think that's the thing of the past. And Devin Booker is kind of like the perfect like Gen Z, like NBA guy where kind of makes sense. Yeah. I mean, I don't video game shame now that I'm back in the video game world and just getting bullied every single night by a bunch of like 14 year olds on Twitch, like just manhandling me.

I feel like the I feel like stepbrothers when they didn't take the long route every single night, just I didn't realize like I had seen people say like F in the chat on the Internet for years and I didn't realize like the context of it is when you're playing Twitch and when you do something bad, they're just get over flooded with Fs in the chat. And it's honestly hilarious, but it's like when it happens to you, it's like the most embarrassing thing in the world. What does that mean?

F in the chat? What's worse? It means you like if you throw an interception, if you throw an interception, it'll just be F, F, F, F, like that was an F play. It was like Fs in the chat. It's hilarious. Hank, would you rather hold an F or hold an L? I think an L is like an overall game and F is just like a bad play like it,

but they don't let you forget bad moment. They're going to F you in the chat till you mention it. Just drowning in Fs. Who's your who's back? My who's back of the week is Trent Delford. He's back in a big way. He, uh, he was handling to a Tagliovoa is pro day form. Excuse me, his virtual pro day.

Did he get that jet? Delford did not get the jet. He had to walk there. He had a hitchhike there in the bed. He just like loaded up in the back of farm trucks, I think to get to Alabama. And then he, he reported on the pro day, um, by just like doing a write up in the notes app and said that to a went like 49 for 52 and made some of the best throws that he's ever made.

He did the old Ron Jaworski trick of saying it was the best workout I've ever seen in my entire life. He's got a better arm than Dan Marino, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. So, uh, yeah. So Trent found a way for him to get his name back in the news. So congratulations, buddy. I love that. I watched some of his pro day and it was weird because it wasn't like the field

he was on was, it was a small training field. So they were running plays in like all the different directions. And I must have watched two or throw like 15 bubble screens because that was how much room they didn't have enough room. They ran it like the other, the opposite way, the bubble screens. It was very bizarre, but I guess you got to do what you got to do right now. Yeah. So, so Dilfer was in charge of scheduling that.

And now I'm back wanting to, uh, I keep going back and forth like for the red skins, I wanted them a couple of weeks ago, then I didn't want them. Now I think I want them again. And I saw like some videos of, uh, of, of college quarterbacks thrown left-handed and they look weird as shit. And I don't like the way that a lefty looks in college, but when you take the stripes off a ball, lefties look sweet again. So watching two or throw with an NFL ball looks good.

Like the witchcraft is gone or whatever it looks. I think it goes from looking like it's spinning clockwise, looking like it's been counterclockwise now that it has the, uh, the stripes off it. So I'm on board the two a train. How would your buns of anarchy partner feel about your left-handed comments, PFT malign. He looked great throwing the ball. And the NFL, Matt liner was a great NFL player, looked weird and college

throwing it. So it was so much better in college. Take that spin zone back to the shop. Um, did two, uh, I, uh, this is the season for, actually, I just do this for my who's back, uh, clicking on the threads of highlights of each cut, you know, like the different scouts on Twitter who like this thread to us, thread starts here and then you can click on it and watch basically every throw he made for the entire year.

I was watching it and there was one, there was one where he had New Mexico state where he threw a 10 yard pass to Jerry Judy and no joke, not a single person touched Jerry Judy. He went 80 yards to the house and he went through like four people on the defense. And that was how much better and faster like they, they are than the New Mexico states of the world. So two is back. I, you can fall in love with to a, like he's electric.

I'm back in love with him like there's something about him that, that makes you wake up. I did do some research though about lefty quarterbacks in the NFL, the last lefty quarterback to throw a touchdown, killing more. So it's, we're in a drought right now. We're in it. We're in a left handed desert. So I don't know, maybe, maybe two will take us out of it or maybe he's

a mirage, but right now I'm fully back. I'm, I'm excited by two. Uh, my other who's back is my belly button. I did a, uh, shirtless periscope yesterday and showed my belly button. And then I, I put it on my Instagram, uh, swipe up. And then I did the move where an hour later, I went back and watch it and grossed myself out so much that I deleted it off my Instagram swipe up. It was that gross.

So my belly button, it was a deep day. It was very back. And it's, I don't know what to do. I'm not like a, like a porn situation, like you're ashamed of it. The second, like you're finished or just like, yeah, pretty much. Yeah. Pretty much I was like, it was like an outer, out of body experience. Like, Oh, I, and of course deleting it off my Instagram does nothing because

there's a video out there of like the whole thing that's, you know, out there. So, but it was just one of those like, ooh, get this out of my face. Yeah. It's pretty much the porn, like X out of it as fast as you can, but for my own body. So you're just a shit. Has it gotten deeper though? I don't know. I think so.

I think probably, um, I think as the belly grows, the deeper it gets. Yeah. And after, after a baby too, that can probably like widen it. Definitely. Empathy weight. Yeah. Well, I also don't just sitting down more. You've probably been sitting more often and I feel like that does something to the

consistency around like right that midsection there. Whereas if you're standing up, walking around, you're stretching out all the skin around the belly button. It's like a big jelly donut. Yeah. But yeah, it's like, that's just quarantine belly. I should put some jelly in there and see how long it will last. Before, like just before it disintegrates, just gets absorbed by your body.

I actually had the idea earlier today, our dietitian Billy football who'll be on later, like, what if I just started drinking baby formula every single day? Do you think I would lose weight? Uh, baby formula. No, baby food. Yes. So if you were eating like the creamed peas and like blended carrots and stuff, if you did nothing, you ever see that movie forks over knives when that

Australian dude was like, I'm going to solve cancer by just drinking vegetables all day. No. So he, he pretty much claims Alex Guerrero every meal. Yeah. He's the Australian Alex Guerrero Chilean Alex Guerrero. Excuse me. I can laugh at those jokes now.

That was a good one. But so he claims to have like solved every single problem with the human body and health just by drinking juice for every meal instead of eating things. So what you should do is just according to his study, if you do nothing but just eat pureed vegetables all the time, you can't get fat and you can't get, you'll never die because it's just a hundred percent nutrients that your body's getting. This is like David Bowie did this in the seventies where he just did cocaine

and drink milk all the time and became 70 pounds. Yeah. Keith Richards, he just stayed tweaked out too much his entire life and just stoned his fuck, just drunk, high, just on meth grinding his teeth down, but he didn't eat meat. Yeah. He's still alive right now. It's crazy to think back about like some of those famous rockers.

Like at some point in time, there was someone's job in life and probably paid pretty well was to just make sure that David Bowie drank enough two milk, two percent milk to stay alive. That was it. That was an entire job. And it was the exact same thing with Keith Richards, except with Jack Daniels. And they probably had people that would just like they would pay to just roll them over on their sides whenever they passed.

Yeah. Like here, let's just make sure like, oh, all right. Another day at the office, David Bowie just drank his gallon of whole milk. We're, we're done for the day. Clocking out here as he like snorts like a kilo of cocaine. Yeah, another, another healthy day in the books for old Bowie. Let's get to our interview. We got, uh, we got Brooks Kepka, Blake Kepka, uh, on the show before we do that.

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I'm telling you, if you're sitting, you're working from home. You need your death wish coffee. It will get you jacked up. Death wish! Use promo code take right now, deathwishcoffee.com. Okay, here he is, Brooks Kepka. Okay, we now welcome on good friend of ours, recurring guest, a nominee for Blake of the Year 2020, which we don't even know when that's

going to happen now. Actually, it's the only sport that is coronavirus proof. I was going to say, we should make an announcement right now. We are going to continue the Blake of the Year tournament. We're not going to let the virus stop it. It will happen sometime what mid-June is generally when the takies are. Mid-June, the Blake of the Year competition is on as scheduled. Yes, so we have Blake number two last year is Brooks Kepka.

Brooks, what's up, man? Well, what's up, guys? All good? Yeah, I mean, pretty good, I guess. This sucks. All things considered, not bad. What have you been doing? I'm always like, I would assume that you have to train.

Are you playing? Are you still playing golf? No, I'm not playing golf. We've got some time off, so a couple of golf courses closed down. So I figured might as well take the break while you can and just chill and work out and try to get to the house and try to get that six pack back. Are you going to get too jacked up? No, no, no.

You've still got to have a little bit of dad-bot in there. Yeah, because I need Bryce willing to have something to complain about with your body. So don't get back into full-on piano mover, shout-out Rick Riley shape. I need something for him to come at you for because you play a little bit better when you get that far. Yeah, exactly. I think that's the way we're going for a little bit of dad-bot, but not too dad-bot-ish. That makes sense.

I did see that you were practicing left-handed though. What do you think you could shoot left-handed? I don't know. If I broke 100, that'd be pretty good. I'd be pretty satisfied. You're such a dick. Barstool has to think the US Open thing. I could go play Fortnite left-handed.

You're such a dick to be like, I could probably break 100 left-handed. I guess that'd be cool. How far could you hit it left-handed? I can hit it pretty far. I think I hit it like with a driver. Obviously, I only post the good ones because we're not going to show the bad ones, but I hit it like 300 yards. God damn it.

Christ. That's not fair. Can you do that cool thing? The one before that or after that wasn't really shown. That one didn't go very far. What about when they do that thing where you take your sandwich and then you just hit it left-handed on the course? Have you ever done that?

Yeah, I have. I actually, because I've been playing so bad recently, I've had to do that a couple more times than I would have liked. What do you mean you've been playing bad? Well, I mean, it's not major season yet. So we're just prepping. Are you worried though? We're just getting to practice then.

Yeah, are you worried though that with the layoff and the season kind of like getting compacted here that you're going to have to win back-to-back tournaments at some point because there's going to be majors that are like a week or two away from each other? Are you worried at all that it's going to be a little bit more difficult to just dominate everyone in the big ones? No, no, I mean, it's majors. You'll be up for it. You've got to figure out a way to get up for it.

But you know, you just practice, make sure you're getting tuned up for them. That's all you've got to do. So I've been paying attention to a couple of your rounds recently. And when you're not shooting well, I'm just like, good, that's awesome. This is like perfect Blake. He's getting into the zone. He doesn't need to show up until the lights are the brightest. Do you ever actually get pissed off at yourself for putting up a bad score during a non-major tournament?

Yeah, yeah, I do. I actually get really annoyed. But I mean, it's become very frequent lately that it's just you just got to let it slide now and you're like, all right, got to find something, get back into it. I mean, I was just finding my rhythm too when I canceled this because of corona. Just finding the rhythm. You're about to go off. I could feel it.

I'm telling you, man. What do you think your GQ shoot? We never even talked to you about that. Do you think you maybe a little too pretty boy? I kind of look like Mark Anthony. Okay. Yeah. The see-through shirt on the boat.

I don't know what that look is. Yeah. I mean, I got to be honest. It's not like I'm sitting here picking out of my wardrobe. But I mean, it was definitely like 90s Miami, Mark Anthony. I feel like that's the vibe they were going for. The one on the boat, though, would like to robe. Would like to Jack Nicholson, most cool.

But the other one's a bit questionable, to say the least. Yeah. Yeah, I like the robe on the golf course look. Have you ever actually played around a golf in a robe? At that ESG and body issue, that was it. I mean, and then you had to take the robe off. But yeah, that was about the only time I've been in a robe. What was that like?

Did you always have to make sure that there wasn't anybody standing in front of you that could take a look at your bits and pieces? What was that privacy situation all about? There's actually a funny story behind this. So we're doing the shoot, whatever it is. It's not the golf course. And they didn't close the golf course down. And my coach has given lessons.

People are playing. I mean, you could see. And what they don't tell you is that the makeup artist stands literally like right in front of you, like frontal, like 10 feet away. The entire time, the entire time the shoot's going on. So it's like, I don't know. It's getting late in the day. We're getting kind of tired.

But it's like, it's cooled down a little bit. It's like 60 degrees and it's starting to sprinkle. And it's getting cold. That's not a good recipe. And I haven't complained all of it. Yeah, I haven't complained all day. And like, I kind of mutter under my breath. I'm like, damn, it's cold.

And the lady hasn't said anything all day. And she just blurts out. I can tell. That's fucked up. And I was like, are you serious? And she's like, no, no, no, no, no. The goosebumps, the goosebumps. That's awesome.

That's so mean, though. That's like, that's the one thing that she can't say to you. No, that's funny. I like the sense of the moment. I was just like, oh, honestly, it made my day. I was like, yeah, this is awesome. This is exactly what I wanted. I also read in that same article, Big Cat,

was talking about, which if you haven't read it, go read it. It's pretty good. And the pictures are hilarious in it. You've golfed with both Trump and Obama. Who's better? Trump's better. Trump's a little better.

Yeah. Did he take any gimmies? Do you give gimmies to people when you golf? Yeah. Yeah, I mean, yeah. You don't want to embarrass the guys. So you're just like, yeah, it's good. Just close enough.

I feel like Trump takes 30-foot gimmies. Yeah, what's the distance though? Because when I get like 10 feet away, I'm like, is that good? And I usually kind of just make everyone be like, yeah, that's good. Because what are you going to fight me about it? Like, would you give me that?

When the president asks you and looks you in the eye, is that good? I mean, you're really going to tell him no. In the T-Box, he's like, hey, is that good? Do I even have to swing here? Yeah, he just strikes it down the fairway every time. It's amazing. There's so many secret service guys out there.

He never loses a ball. You can't lose a ball. Yeah, that's perfect. So I, your brother, we had an episode in the fall. You text me right after. His name is Chase. Has he gotten over the fact that we just roasted him non-stop for like 15 minutes straight?

Yeah, yeah, he's gotten over it. I think, yeah, he's finally recovering. I think he was just over the house the other day just chilling. And I think, yeah, he's kind of forgiving you a little bit. I mean, you guys absolutely hammered the name Chase. Well, I mean, hammered it. Come on. So I'll.

We all had a friend named Chase that was like the first one to give us cigarettes. And our moms hated him and was not allowed over. Slagged out of the house. They spoke of White Jetta. Yeah. OK, Chase. He stole a Super Nintendo from the pawn shop.

You're making us do it again. Oh, he's the guy whose brother is way more accomplished than him and has a shitload of money and championships. He's the guy that said that he could hook you up by installing like your speaker system, your subwoofer at Best Buy. But then he fucked up half the car. So it only came out the left side.

Yeah. That's Chase. Yeah. Is he? He's making a comeback. He's making a comeback in 24. Yeah. Is he?

Wait, is he a golfer too? Yeah. Yeah. He plays. Oh. He plays on Corner Fairy now too, yeah. Oh, nice. Good for Chase.

He's pretty good, man. Does he actually like golf? Yeah. He's making a name for the Chasers. Yes. We'll become Chase fans if he gets to. You think he's going to get to the tour? Yeah.

Yeah, I think so. He just thinks so. He played a couple events with me. He played a couple of them this year. Did all right. And then we always play one of the tournaments together. It's like a team event when we always play. I mean, being the king of the Chases,

it's a pretty low bar to clear. But still, you could be the best Chase ever. Yeah. We're rooting for Chase. Yeah. Yeah. You got to. Got to.

Brooks, I don't know if you've noticed this, but I've been just hammering the shit at a summary competition on the Peloton recently. I've been fucking destroying. I know. Yeah, you don't. You have been killing it. You're on what?

How many days have you done in a row now? A bunch. I don't even know. I don't even know how many anymore. It's just like I eat, I sleep, I Peloton. That's it. But I saw that. So Bubba Watson's got one.

Justin Thomas has one. Rory is really good. Do you have one? I do have one. Yeah. I don't use it, but I've got one. Do you want to join my gang? Because we're kind of like the bad boys.

And we just go around, we smash it up. Like we don't even fuck with the golfers, really. Yeah. You just kind of like high five, no chance. Yeah, exactly. Like I live to just mentally dominate Bubba Watson. You know, that's pretty easy. You don't have a lot of real estate up there.

Yeah, it's rent-free, but we're all, I guess we are all rent-free now. Or a lot of us are during coronavirus. Landlord, if you have a good landlord. Yes. Correct. Yeah, that is true. I'll hop on with you.

I'm going to figure out what my name is. So I'll hop on with you. Okay, it should just be Blake Kepka. Yes. Yeah, well, yeah. But you got to put like some South African vibe to it though, no? True, absolutely true. Have you been playing video games?

I feel like you're a video game guy. No, dude, I've never gotten into video games. I've never played, but I was actually, it got so low. I was watching the Esports the other day. Like just cringing for some sports. And that's what I think it was on ESPN. I don't know what it was, but I was watching like the 2020. Madden challenge or something.

It's rough. It's rough out there. What do you think about? Yeah, I mean, every, I kind of have like just every once in a while, like go online and look and just see what's going on. You can gamble on e-game. E-gaming now? Yeah.

You gamble on it. Like they're still going. Yes. It's basically horse racing is the last frontier. Like on the weekends, I get excited because horse racing is back. I mean, it's always running, but it's just shit tracks. But yeah, it's crazy to like just flip by those channels and be like, oh man, that would be cool to just sit here and watch a game, you know,

like the good old days. Yeah. I mean, I'll take anything on the Olympic Channel, on the weird NBC sports channels even. Just give me something. Yes. It was kind of nice when the Ocho came back there. Yes, that was good.

Yeah. What about the idea of having like major golf tournaments, but just having drone cameras behind you guys? Do you think that you could actually play a full tournament keeping six feet away from everybody? You were talking about this the other week, weren't you? Yeah. I think it could work.

I mean, I think, yeah, you could work. Yeah. No fans. I mean, you could literally do it down here in Jukka where 20 guys are here, just go play and just drone, camera guy, whatever. And you can make it work. We need something. We just need something.

You actually, you're in on our, I don't know if we ever said this, but Brooks is 100% in on our handball team. So, and you would, I actually think you would be just as good as anyone else. Like we're, you know, we're talking to quarterbacks, the NFL, but you played baseball. You are obviously an unbelievable athlete and it would kind of fuck with the handball community even more. If we're like, oh yeah, that golfer, he'll dominate your ass too. Yeah.

It's funny. I remember the first time I ever watched handball, I had no idea what I was watching. I was in Sweden watching it. And I, that was honestly my first thought. I was like, well, how hard can the sport be? And I mean, J was pretty, pretty right. And I think, I think, I mean, Americans throw the ball. I mean, we got to have a good time.

Right. That's what we do. Right. We were born throwing the ball. Looks like, but I feel like team pardon my take would be pretty solid. Yeah. Absolutely. Like over Blake, J. Yeah.

Who else is on it? Josh Allen, Danny Woodhead, Danny Woodhead. All the Blake's. All the Blake's. Tim Howard's your goalkeeper. Yeah. It's going to be sick. Yeah.

I mean, yeah, I don't see. Yeah. And then we throw you in there. I see us going undefeated. Yeah. And then we throw you in there and they're going to be like, wait, a golfer? Like, yeah, we'll kick your ass with a golfer too. Mm-hmm.

I think you're probably the only golfer who could do it. Undefeated minimum. Yeah. There's not a lot of guys on tour who I would feel safe being like, yeah, you got a spot on our team. But I think you're definitely in that kit. Yeah. No, I would agree with that. There's not many guys out there.

But yeah, I mean, listen, I could be the towel guy on the side. Pumping, but I can't wait to get in and just knock some. I have some guys from handball tweeting yesterday. They're very active online. Yeah. Yeah. You could be the enforcer. You could actually be like the like the fighter on our team.

Wait, what did he say to you? He was saying something. He was talking about how golf isn't going to start. And that I just, that I was being, he was just being negative. And I saw that he was a handball guy and I was like, oh, here we go. We got to set this up. We got to set this up. Yeah.

I'm reading it right now. It's actually a great exchange because Todd Lewis said, number three in the world, Brooks Kepka on schedule news today. I'm just excited. There's something to look forward to. So much uncertainty and finally have to set dates and be able to look forward to something is the positive news. I think golfers and fans are looking for that's the most like what you said there

is what we all are thinking. Just the scheduling of things makes me excited. And then this guy, David Fink says, tentative dates are none of those events will happen this year. Please tell me what is going to be, what is going to change between now and the summer. There still won't be a vaccine in the virus. We'll have to spread to 10 times what it is now. Forget about golf and all sports in 2020.

And Brooks just replied, enough with the negativity, David. I like that you went full, full name team. Pardon my take versus your best handball team. Let's go. I mean, it's simple. It's very simple. It really is. I like your attitude was like when I first saw this game, I was like,

oh, that's going to be so easy to play. And then I learned more about it and watched more. And I was like, yeah, this is definitely going to be easy to play. I mean, literally, I don't even know how many guys actually play. Do we even know this? Who cares? In the world, probably like 40. Yeah.

Yeah, we're still taking that gold medal. Yeah, they're all like, we had a handball guy in here earlier. They're all like subsidiaries of soccer teams. Right, right. I mean, we've got football guys, basketball guys. I mean, handball guys. I mean, it's the dream team, honestly, is what it is. Yeah.

Yeah, the handball dream team. The handball dream team is going to dominate everything. So, all right, so golf is tentatively going to be back in mid-June. Are you, do you think it's going to be weird without fans in attendance, or do you not even worry about it? Like it will be weird without a bunch of people yelling Blake to you. Oh my God. Okay.

Let me first start off this whole thing by saying, I knew the Blake effect was real. But I literally can't take four steps without hearing at least 50 Blakes. I mean, it's unbelievable. I feel bad. Sometimes I watch like people send videos to us and they're like yelling at you. It's like the turn at Augusta and someone's yelling, let's go Blake. And you're so laser focused that you don't look up and I'm like, I know he hears it.

I wonder if he secretly like hates us. Oh, no, I just laugh all the time by Caddy. He laughs about it. But I will say that I feel like the golf community is very not connected with, pardon my take, is every golfer I think I've played with, they're like, what did they call, what did they keep calling you Blake? What's Blake for the year? And then I have to go and explain to them exactly what it is.

I'm like, listen, there's three Blakes. I'm taking it as not one. Got your phone, simple as. But it's quite, it's actually hilarious. But yeah, the Blake effect is definitely real. Has that happened with Tiger? Oh, has Tiger asked? I don't know if he's asked.

I can't remember. But I think we have to get to a major. So I feel like that's when he'd be like really what's, I think he has asked it before. What's this Blake of the year stuff? What is it we can call you Blake? So funny. So, so what is going to happen though?

This has got big, this has got big cat and PFC. They came up and they just named me Blake. That's such a great conversation to have with someone on the course. So what, what is going to happen though with the Blake without fans? Will you notice it at all? Or is it going to be just kind of business as usual? Yeah, it's going to be weird. I think like we live off the fans and plus every once in a while,

we just hit some foul balls and the fans kind of hope you find it. It's true. I mean, guys are going to lose balls because of that. I mean, the energy that the fans bring is so, that's what we all live for. We all strive for. It's going to be so weird. I mean, that's what, that's what you want to play coming down the stretch

and have everybody like cheering for you. And then imagine this, like you sink the putt on the last hole and no one's clapping. Yeah. You're just there by yourself and you're like, yes. You and your catty and just silent. Oh, it's just nothing but awkward golf high fives. Just all around the green. Those get lost a lot.

I feel like because if two white guys miss an easy high five on each other, but the crowd's going nuts behind it, you don't pay as much attention to it. But if there's absolutely no sound whatsoever, it's going to magnify that moment a little bit. And then you're going to like take the ball out of the cup and throw it into the stands and it's just going to like hit a tree. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Who are you going to throw the ball to? Yeah. Well, I'm just like, oh, you should just throw it as hard as you can. Just off into the distance. Trevor Bauer? Yeah.

Or like Josh Allen throwing it out of the stadium. Yeah. What about all the guys that like they find Tiger Woods balls when they go out of bounds and they throw them back towards the fairway? That's true. That is very true. We should, you should tell us, you should pay us to like dress in camo and just go to every event and we'll just kick your ball out.

Because they probably won't have TV coverage as well as like normal events. We'll just start, we'll just start being brisk. Well, they've got to have reporters. You guys, you guys got to be able to get like a reporters pass or something, right? No. That would be sick. We'll clap. We'll clap for you.

We just wear polo shirts that say either a security or like PGA rules official on them. And then you wear your tactical glasses so you look like a security guard. Yep. And we'll just go around kicking your balls. Imagine if we were reporters and we just followed you and just cheered after every shot. The only ones. Yeah, my own personal reporters. You're like, you're like LeBron with with a shop,

but your shop just travels with you on the course. Wait, you should actually get your caddy to to bring like a boombox like caddy shack and pipe in crowd noise after every big shot. That is, that's a solid idea. Yeah. I feel like you could do that with like the bag. Yes. You can get you like the caddy shack bag.

Yeah. Get you pumped up, like get you going. That would be badass. At the same time, do you think it's going to favor some players to not have a gallery there? Like guys that might not be as clutch normally? I don't know. I still think it's going to be weird. I think it's going to be awful without fans.

I really do. Like how weird is going to be watching on the TV? Yeah, it is. But it's like the one sport that I feel like can can can survive it. You know what I mean? Like of all the sports like football will be very bizarre to watch without fans, but golf at least the fans are quiet when you're shooting. So it's a little bit different.

Yeah. Yeah. I think I think I don't know. As a player, it's going to be super weird. But I guess watching on TV, it wouldn't be that much different. Right. I just I don't know. I don't know, man.

It's I guess it's the one sport that can really come back kind of a little bit earlier than every other sport because we are outdoors. That is the good thing. And we really don't have to, you know, it's not like we're all touching a ball, touching the same, you know, clubs, your own stuff like that. I mean, you really don't have to touch anybody while you're out there. So we might be who knows. Hopefully we come back soon, man.

Yeah, I need it. I need it. Were you a little bit upset that you didn't get asked to participate in the whole Tiger Woods and Tom Brady against Phil Mickelson and Peyton Manning thing? I never really thought about it. But yeah, I think like, did you watch the first one? I didn't watch it. I did.

I heard about it. And there's just not enough like trash talking. Agreed. Like I feel like we need more like gamesmanship and like shit talking and guys ribbing each other and everybody's just a little bit afraid to do it. I agree. So it could be Brooks Capca and Bill Murray against John Daly and also Bill Murray. He plays on both teams.

I love John Daly. JD is my guy. Yeah, he's the best. He's the best dude. He's ridiculous. All right. I got one last question. The Ryder Cup, have they announced a team?

Are you on it? I assume you are. Yeah, I think I'm like, yeah, I think I, yeah, I should be involved goes. Yeah, I think I should be on it. I think you were about to say you were a cap. I mean, if you're going to anoint me captain. Yeah, that could have gone. That answer could have gone anywhere.

So, um, remember when you guys got the shit kicked out of you in France? That was embarrassing. Yeah, I do remember that. That's it. That's all I got to follow up. No, that's, that's, I'm a big, uh, you guys got the shit kicked out of you. And then when, when you win in 2020 in Wisconsin and be like, yes, we won. Yes, we won on American soil.

I'm a, I'm a wee guy when things are going well and I'm a you guy when things aren't. Oh, absolutely. Yeah. Absolutely. That's the way the fans got to go. All right. Well, yeah, Brooks, thank you. We appreciate it.

Hopefully you're back soon. Uh, well, hopefully we'll see you in New York, right? The us open. Yeah. Yeah. I'll, uh, I'll have to stop in the studio for, uh, if we're going in. We have a bench press. We have a bench press now.

I, I, I know that and I can't wait to out bench you guys. How much are you benching right now? I don't know. I don't have any like gym equipment in my house. So it's, I don't know. I've got like 15 pound dumbbells the much as much as I've got right now. That's not going to cut it. I'm going to out bench you when you come.

Imagine if you got hurt. Imagine if you got hurt right before the us open because you benched. You tried to bench more than us. Literally. I'm going to be looking like Metcalfe when I come back. Yo. All right, Brooks. Thanks so much, man.

Uh, stay safe. We'll talk to you soon. All right, boys. Have a good one. The interview with Blake Kepka was brought to you by Peter Millar. Peter Millar and Barclay have been making epic clothes for the last few years. We joined forces to make the corp polos in the vest and a ton of awesome forestal golf gear.

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You can literally throw them in a ball, leave them on the floor. The next day, no wrinkles. That's the best thing that I can say. That's the highest endorsement I can give to a pair of pants is that you can put it on the ground, pick it up 12 hours later, toss them on, no wrinkles. They're natural look, natural feel, tons of versatility. I'm talking wearing these to work, wearing them on the weekend, out to restaurants when they open up, back up again onto the golf course.

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And then PFT, do you have the quote from Mike Gundy saying, oh, you also, I think, what else did he do? Did he also call it the Chinese virus? Well, yeah, he probably did. But Gundy, the upshot of his comment was, I'm sorry if you were offended by what I said, it was not my intention to make you offended. So that, I mean, that's a classic football coach answer. To be honest, I don't know who expected anything better or who expected Mike Gundy to have

like a very reasonable take on everything. I don't know what football coaches you would go to and be like, hey, excuse me, Mike Leach, can you give us your opinion on the coronavirus and how it's going to affect the financial situation in Mississippi? So yeah, Gundy basically nothing really surprising. Just said, I didn't mean to offend anybody. Sorry if you were offended. I can't stress this enough, like the very last people that you want to comment on coronavirus

are college football coaches. They cannot at any point understand what's going on to the level like more than we need to just get our boys back because I got a five star recruit that hasn't had a look at the playbook yet. Like that's all they're thinking about. So if you want a quote that will not look good, just go ask any college football coach in America and they will give you a quote that will not look good. Yeah, I for one was expecting a more measured response from the guy who lives in Stillwater,

Oklahoma and does nothing all day except think about whether or not he could get away with murdering Lincoln Riley. That's the guy I wanted to go to to get my take on unintended offense. By the way, that's just that's simply a side effect of playing against nothing but big 12 defenses. Yes, and I want I'm wondering when we'll get the story that Mike Gundy has actually been going out and getting his mullet cut every single week and breaking breaking shelter in place that way because you know he's keeping that thing fresh.

I feel like he's the guy that just has his wife do it like Miss Sally takes care of the mullet every Thursday night once a week same time while he's grinding film. All right, next up we have Saber Metrix. PFT you had this. Yeah, so Todd Gurley, your newest Atlanta Falcon, he wanted to wear number 21. Dion Sanders told him that he shouldn't wear number 21, but then he said psych and you could tell he was joking because he didn't end that tweet with hashtag truth like you know that's when you can tell that Dion's telling the truth is when he does that.

So he said he was just joking around about it and Todd Gurley can go ahead and he can wear 21 and they asked him like, well, why are you going to give up your number so easily? Dion he goes a number didn't make prime prime made the number. So that's your Saber Metrix for the week. Even though prime is 21 is not a prime number. Now, wow. Okay, nerd. How do you know that?

You've been reading a book. Yeah. What are prime numbers again? They aren't divisible, but they're only divisible by themselves. By themselves and one, I think. So like three and seven. Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's it. How's your math class today?

11. 11. 13. 13. 17. 19. 20. 3.

3. 23. Yep. Yep. Yep. No, that one. We're cooking. We're cooking.

29. 29. Oh, none of them are even numbers because every even number is divided by two. Right. Except two is a prime number. Keep going. Keep going. Is two a prime number?

Yep. Two can be divided by two. Two is the only even number that's a prime number. Yep. Two divided by two though. Yeah, but a prime number is divided only by yourself and one. All right, I'm sick of this magic, this wizardry stuff.

Yeah, two is a prime number. Damn. He should have been two. So 21. Todd Gurley's going to wear. Also, Todd Gurley got pissed off because I guess his checks late from the Rams. Oh, that's nice. He played Matthews too.

Damn. Oh, really? That was math. That was math with PMT. Clay Matthews like core tweeted him was like, me too. Did he hashtag it? Rams having something by this. I thought you actually said the words, me too.

All right, let's do our Mount Fluschmore. Mount Fluschmore for appetizers. I'll start with saying this one's hard because I love appetizers and it's hard to find bad ones. Like it really is. And I also want just before we start Hank, you're going to go first, but I assume we're talking not only like sit down restaurant, but also like going to a wedding like pass around appetizers. And yeah, this is hard.

This is very hard. But Hank, you want to start? Sure. Calamari. What? Whoa. Whoa. That's an awful first choice, Hank. Calamari.

What was that? What did you just do? It's a quick choice, Hank. What did you just do? This is worse appetizers, right? Oh, my God. Yeah. Calamari is trash.

Everyone always orders it. I'm always at tables where they just like, oh, we'll just get Calamari assuming I want Calamari. I'm just like, no, like Calamari stinks. How can you hit it? It's just like a fried ring of taste. It falls into the category of if you don't have sauce, it's disgusting. So like, why even eat it? Do you know there's like a big racket for fake Calamari that is just like pig's anus,

that they just fry and they serve it as regular Calamari? That sounds about right. Yeah, that sounds about right. Yeah, pretty fucking season. Yeah. It sounds pretty good actually. All right, PFT, your first pick. It's also weird that there are two types of Calamari.

What do you mean? Right? There's like the tentacle part and then there's the ring part. I personally like the ring parts better. My first choice, damn, this is a very, very difficult one. I'm going to go with any sort of beet skewer. Okay. If you do like a grilled glazed beet on a kebab or beet salad, anything with beets in it.

Okay. That's a good pick. I still can't believe Hank did Calamari. I'll do my number one is, and this will probably get contentious, but I think deviled eggs are gross to eat like an appetizer form. Like if you're out and you eat a deviled egg, it's like, okay, have cool egg breath for the rest of the fucking night, dude. And then I hate the pinwheel sandwiches.

I think it's bullshit. I hate them. They're always like soggy and kind of gross. And like, you know what I'm talking about, Hank, the wraps that they then cut up and they've placed on their side. So it's like little turkey and cheese in the wrap. Disgusting. Yeah, that's like a conference, like what you have at like a conference lunch.

Right. That's a great, if you see a pinwheel sandwich, that's a great way to know that they just cheaped out on the entire appetizer. Yeah, that's like corporate. That's the corporate special. Right. Right. That's so we don't give a fuck about you eat this little gruel and get back to work.

Yep. That's a number one on the most like soggy tomatoes that you'll have to just tomato slime everywhere. I actually think that when they make a pinwheel sandwich, they only use soggy ingredients because it makes no sense that I've ever had a fresh I've never had a fresh pinwheel sandwich. I would have thought you would have gone with sliders. Big get. I love sliders.

I love you. You do. Yeah, I do. Watch me live stream. Yeah. Dude, that was so funny last night when they when I when I showed it to everyone and there was like one slider that was at 45 and everyone was like, you're cheating. And you didn't realize you couldn't you weren't looking at the computer sliders for like an hour.

Whatever. Again, I'm just getting bullied on Twitch. There's nothing more to it. Okay. My next pick is going to be French onion dip. Don't like French onion dip. I can eat any other dip. I can eat any other dip in the world.

I love dips. French onion dip just doesn't do it for me. All it does is remind me of what a better dip I could be having should taste like. You know, I dip into it. I'm like, I wish this was ranch or I wish this was hummus. I love French onion dip. What about French onion soup? Soup guy.

French onion soup is very low on my power rankings for soup. I would say like bottom 20% of soups. Okay. Bottom 20%. I think you have two. Okay. Well, God knows what you're going to pick if you pick Calamari number one. Okay.

Well, here we go. Fried pickles. What? You're like doing my bet. You're doing my favorites. Are you going to do pigs in a blanket next? No, I'm going to do shrimp cocktail next. Oh my God.

You're so bad at this. This is literally what I would order. Yes. This is sounds like, like, oh, we'll start with some Calamari. Do a little shrimp cocktail. I mean, I guess it's probably because I'm with you guys and it's like, Big Cat orders appetizers for the table and half the time, I'm just like, I wouldn't have ordered any of these.

But right because you have the palette of a four year old. No, pickles are gross. You can't eat hot sauce. You don't like any seafood. Murray is screaming at me from the other room that I'm having terrible takes. There are bad takes. They're horrible. Wait, Hank, what would be number one on your Mount Rushmore of appetizers?

My, probably, right? Yeah, my trail sticks, pigs in blanket, nachos. Okay. You should just have Hank order off the kids menu. Yeah. All right. PFT your next. No.

Well, that's not a kids menu thing. It's just a taste. I have good taste and shrimp fried pickles are not part of it. Well, do you like to discriminate between fry? It's the same thing. Calamari and fried pickles are the same thing. Calamari and pickles are the same thing. You would never order them if they weren't fried.

Uh, wait, you would, you would order just get some pickles for, for an appetizer. No, I didn't pick those before. Yeah. Pickles are delicious. Go to it. I probably wouldn't order them as an appetizer, but I eat pickles as a snack all the time. Right. But this is appetizers.

We're talking about here. You guys are getting confused with things you like to eat, but we're talking strictly. So you would. So you would order just a stick of mozzarella cheese. You'd order string cheese. I love mozzarella cheese. Absolutely. Just a string.

You just order string cheese as an appetizer. Yeah. There's other ways to get mozzarella too. Yeah. But I'm saying that's what it is, is string cheese fried. Yeah. I love, I love string cheese. I eat it all the time.

Okay. Uh, PFT year pick. Uh, my next one's going to be salsa with pita. When they give you pita for the salsa, get the hell out of there. They try to get too fancy with it sometimes and they serve you these like these fried pita chips instead of tortilla chips. That's a, I don't think I've ever seen that in my life. Yeah.

Terrible, terrible. It'll ruin an entire app. Even if I like to dip, if it's on a pita chip, no, thank you. All right. I'll go with, uh, stuffed mushrooms, stuffed mushrooms. Every time I see a stuffed mushroom, it's kind of the similar is like the pinwheel where it's like, it just doesn't hold up and it passes by and you're like, Oh, is that a meatball?

Nope. It's a stuffed mushroom. Kind of a, just a total letdown. And then, uh, anything that's just like the, uh, lettuce wedge where they, where they do like a deconstructed salad, that fucking sucks too. When they pass that around, that, that drives me nuts. Where it's like, here is a lettuce wedge with a little jizz of Caesar salad dressing and one single crouton bullshit.

Okay. Okay. For my last one, I'm going to go with dressed up popcorn when they try to do like a chef's take on, on a free popcorn. I like that. Where are you eating a spicy popcorn? Yeah. Where they put like a little bit of a meeting at non fast food places Hank,

where they put like, yeah, they do the like chili dust and maybe like, anytime they'd say like truffled popcorn or some bowl shit like that. No, thanks. Hank. My last one, uh, I mean, I guess it's just going to be, I get roasted for my takes, but it's the sounds great in theory. You love to talk about it, but whenever you order it, it's always a disappointment. The blooming onion.

Oh my God. Hank, this is an all time bad mountain. Oh my God, I swear to God. All time bad mountain. Think about it. Think about it. Like it, it never like, why just order onion rings? Just order onion rings, like the blue and undersauce.

Because you get to pick them apart and then you dip them and they become undeniable. When you get apart, it never picked apart the way you want them. Hank, it's the most American food in the entire world. I know it serves at a Chilean restaurant, but it is one of the top three appetizers in the world. In theory, it is. In practice, it's not. Wow. Wow.

Unbelievable. Mount Rushmore from you. I, uh, It's not a flushmore, by the way. It's not a flushmore. The, you could, it could be confused with Mount Rushmore. Like, yes. Right.

If we did a Mount Rushmore of appetizers, I think every single one of yours would have been picked. Yep. Not by me. The, the only one that I wanted to get you guys. My list was cheese fries because those are going to get too soggy. Okay. Hank, I actually put down cheese fries as my Vinny Chase take afterwards where it's like, I couldn't, in good conscience, put it on because I have had cheese fries and like,

what you actually think, but you know, no, can you listen to me? Can you listen to me? I've had good cheese fries and poutine is delicious. But I think that the, the, the cheese fries are the most volatile appetizer out there. In terms of the floor, the sea, the floor is so low and the ceiling can be very high. I also only loaded nachos. What do you think about that? That's also a volatile appetizer.

I agree with you there. It all depends on how they're constructed. If they do it by layers and they go first layer fries, then the cheese and the bacon, then another layer of fries, cheese, bacon, then it's good. But all too often you run into a situation where you eat maybe seven or eight fries from the top and then there's no toppings left on the entire thing. Then you overcompensate with the ranch dip after that point. You've got soggy fries that are just like making this little puddle of oil in the ranch sauce.

Hank, I'll give you, I'll give you this. If you did a Mount Rushmore, most volatile appetizers, cheese fries, nachos, Calamari's on there for me, for most volatile appetizers, because there's definitely times when you have Calamari that when it's bad Calamari, it's the most disgusting thing you've eaten. It's pig's ass. Thank you. But I love Calamari. No, because when you have good Calamari, it's, it's, it's one of the best.

Well, when do you have good Calamari? Never. All the time. All the time. Yeah. Calamari is, it's very rarely screwed up, but when it is, it's awful. Right. I would say that meat balls can be very volatile. Yes, meat balls too.

Because extremely, if you get a dry meatball and it almost ruins the expectation for the rest of the meal, you have to order another drink too early. It throws off the entire scheduling of your meal. Or the meatballs with like teriyaki sauce that it just doesn't really fully fit together. Those always are kind of disgusting. I agree. Meatballs are another volatile appetizer. When they, you know, it really pisses me off when they try to incorporate meatballs into

a slider because you're dealing with a ball of meat. It's not going to stay between those two buns. There's a reason why you flatten that ball out and make it into a hamburger when you put it between bread. Don't try to, it's a, it is literally a square peg round hole situation. What would your guy's goat be for appetizers pigs in the blanket? Goat appetizer? No, not pigs in the blanket.

I like pigs in the blanket, but I don't think I would say that's anywhere close to the goat. I would say. Monterellis sticks and nachos. Nachos, great. Caso, great. I think I'll put queso as my goat. Okay, fair. Okay, so that was our Mount Flushmore of appetizers.

Let's get to Billy football in our deep dive with Billy football. Before we do that though, PFT, you got one more at. Yeah, most guys out there have tried different ways to last longer, but thinking about baseball doesn't always work, especially when there's no baseball to think about. Folks are not in left and right way too early, but the folks at Roman and online men's health company are changing the game with their Roman swipes. The secret to longer lasting sex. Roman swipes are clinically proven.

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You're good to go. That's it. So go to getroman.com slash take. You can get your first month of swipes for just $5 when you choose a monthly plan. That's getroman.com slash take. Okay, it's time. Deep dive with Billy football on Mondays. We have our former intern, very good friend,

Billy football on to do a deep dive into any type of topic. You can tweet him. He will respond. He will also take submissions. And Billy, how many times will you respond if I do the handshake emoji? Are you obligated to respond to that? I don't know. I'm trying to preserve the handshake because Dr. Fauci is saying that we should never shake

hands again and I'm defending the handshake. Okay. I'm saving it. Online. Yeah. All right. So today's topic is cryptozoology. So the floor is yours, Billy.

So cryptozoology is a study of cryptids. It's a much debated science. It's actually kind of like the bad boys of the science community because no one really respects them, but a lot of their work is pretty sick. So do a lot of deep dives on this. You know, for the people who wanted to prehistoric creatures, I also got a little bit of that going on too. So it was a highly suggested.

It was like cryptozoology and other weird stuff that I'm not going to say on the podcast, but so we're going to start with the big one. You all probably know Sasquatch, Bigfoot. Now cryptozoologists, now what do you guys know about Bigfoot? I know that he definitely exists. Yeah, nothing. I know that meme when he, when Bigfoot's walking in Central Park and then there's these kids looking at their phone and it's like, no wonder we have had no Bigfoot sightings in the last 20

years because everyone's got their face in their phone. Austin Padreu is hot on his trail. I know that. And I know that he absolutely fucking hates it when kids mess with this beef jerky. So Bigfoot, okay, here. All right, so it turns out there's a lot of evidence for Bigfoot and not from just like pictures and videos, but there's actually a giant ape, a prehistoric ape called Gigantopithecus. So Gigantopithecus, it was like actually like huge.

It was like, like it would be about six, six to like eight foot. They're skeletons that are found. The scientists found like one of their molars in a like herbal Chinese medicine shop in like in China and they were selling these giant molars and they're like, that's from a primate, but that's way bigger than we've ever seen. So like these guys were actually super intelligent and like would bury their dead. Like they were like these nine foot tall bipedal like primates, but they're in there more closely related to like orangutans than anything else.

So people think that they went across the Siberian, not the Siberian, the Bering land straight back when like there was the Ice Age and the water was a lot lower and came into North America. And that's also how humans got to North America. And then like it's actually like super sick because like this ape would be like absolutely like the description of Bigfoot, but like I think that they have evolved from then because if they were burying their dead, that means that they have ways to cover up their tracks. So if they like kept going on this, they could definitely figure out ways to like totally avoid humans at all costs, like like bear it like freaking secret tunnels and stuff

like under the woods. So I'm, and then there's this one dude called Francis Delroy. Wait, Billy, I'm not questioning your science behind all this, but you're saying all this, like, like it's fact, I just want to make sure that this actually happened. Like these things actually do exist, right? Gigantopithecus existed. It did. I looked it up. It did. It was doomed by its own size. Too big. Literally too big to fail, but the opposite. Yeah. And they used to coexist with like, like early humans, human or homo erectus.

And like turns out like they, they were totally gentle giants. Like they weren't violent at all, but like they were legit, like the ultimate big fill. They were so like giant and strong, but all day it was vegetation. And they just didn't want to be bothered, but like our ancestors just bothered them. Like all this sick prehistoric creatures I've realized, which is totally messed up by humans, like legit became the perfect predator because we knew how to throw stuff. Oh, like these are like the relatives of giants, technically. Like if there was another path of human evolution, like this would be there.

Like, you know, Lucy, which is like homo, I don't even know. Whoa, careful Billy. You threw him off with that one. I just gave him the S.E.A. Okay. So they come across the land bridge on the Bering Strait to North America and then they just get annoyed. It is messing with Sasquatch. So all the, all the like humanoid type human, not humanoid, but all the, all the orangutans that went along the lines of evolving into humans

started to fuck with Sasquatch too much. And then Sasquatch got like speared to death using our superior arm strength. And he was still trying to run the ball. And the evolution of human offense kind of took him out. He was stuck in wing T. The air attack was caused his end. Got it. Wow. I think there was a quarterback showed up.

Everything was fucked. The West Coast offense. No, but then, but then, so then there was these dudes, and this is actually a picture. You can like Google Deloitte's Ape. If you got time. So this dude, Francois Deloitte was down South America. He was like him and a bunch of his like bros. I mean, him and his like exhibition like went out into the middle of like the Amazon or like

Venezuela and like, like there was 20 dudes at the start, but then there was only four left because they all got killed by natives. And then they encountered these giant apes who also knew how to throw stuff like well. And they shot one of them and it actually looks like like South American Bigfoot. Okay. Only question. The first hit I got was Deloitte's Ape was a well played anthropological anthropological fraud. That's the haters.

Okay. All right. Cool. Say no more. Um, Billy, what about the fact that they're like all these giant apes across all these different cultures? Like if you go over to Asia, they have these, you know, legends about the Yeti, the abominable snowman. Is that like a distant cousin of these guys that came to America way back in the day?

So I'm thinking Gigantopithecus actually, this is actually more likely because Gigantopithecus's range was like Southeast Asia, most Asia and could easily like be in the Himalayas and like the Yeti could just be like a polar bear Gigantopithecus. You know what I'm saying? A polar bear mixed with a giant, like kind of how they, the growler bear, except this is with a human? No, like, like, like polar bears to Grizzlies, Gigantopithecus Bigfoot. So yeah, you know what I'm saying?

Got it. Also, do you think that with everybody being locked up, like this quarantine situation that we're in, do you think these bizarre animals that might be scared and hiding out all the time because we've always been looking for them, do you think they'll start to get more brave and start to show themselves a little bit more? Or they're just like having a party in the woods and they're like, yo, they're all locked up. Or they did this. Oh, I like that.

So New York City sewer gators. So back in like, people were all going to Florida, right? To like vacation land. They all went to Florida. They all bought little baby alligators. They all brought them home. They then saw that they were getting way too big or they got bored of them with flushing down the toilet.

They're all in the New York City sewers eating giant rats. They're actually down there because it's super hot during the winter and it's super cool during the summer and they just don't vibe with sunlight down there and eat giant rats. Wait, so there are gators living in New York City in the sewers? Deep in the sewers. Confirmed? Yeah, they found them. Who?

Found one? They found a couple. Okay. They used to keep them in their baths. Okay. Is that one not convincing you guys? No, that one. I like it.

I like it. Billy, are these the gators that pop up through a toilet when someone's taking a shit? Yeah. And they bite your ball sack? Yep. Don't like those. Hard pass. That's crazy.

Okay. Let's go with chupacabras. I like those guys. Yeah, I love the chupacabras. Goats suckers. First found in Puerto Rico. They were then seen all across Southern America. They give three puncture wounds in large livestock.

They don't know if it's aliens, a certain type of different canine creature, but a lot of them look like mangy coyotes. Okay, wait. So I'm starting to understand this. So these scientists that are what's it called? Cryptozoology? So do they get degrees in this? And then they just study the shit that people all think is a fraud?

They're basically, their entire expertise is studying myth science. Exactly. Yeah, they're the opposite of myth busters. They're the myth provers. And are they well, did they even go to real schools for this? I just met them all on Reddit. Okay. Makes sense.

Makes sense. What, okay. I like the chupacabras. Is Loch Ness monster one of them? Okay. So Nessie, so Nessie, they think is an ancient pleosaur. And there's another one in Lake Champlain in Vermont, New York. It's like borders, both those states.

They actually disprove that one. They think it's a bunch of seals in a flock, like all jumping out of the water. So it looks like a bunch of humps of a sea serpent going through the water. You know what I'm saying? Okay. Oh, yeah. It's like when, when those spiders get together and all lock arms and make the giant thing that moves as one, that's what the seals are doing.

So wait, Nessie, I've always wanted this about Nessie. How can it exist if it didn't have like a mom and a dad, Nessie? Well, think about turtles, right? They live really long. So like this also lives in the water and is a reptile. So it probably lives like super long. Interesting. Okay.

So it's parents died. It could have died like 400 years ago and Nessie's just hitting its midlife crisis right now. Or it could be, or it could be asexual and reproduced by itself. Ooh. Didn't think about that. Asexual reproduction. It's common in the animal kingdom. Really?

Yeah. Is it more common in the cryptozoology kingdom? And I feel like they use that as like a trump card to explain everything. Yeah. And then. Wait, so they're in cells? Yeah. Well, no, because they have sex themselves.

No, that's what I'm saying. Cryptozoologies, they just made up a bunch of species to be like, see, there are also animals that don't have sex. It's perfectly normal. But I spend all my time looking for these imaginary things and posting them on Reddit instead of boning. Exactly, because they were late. Yes.

Okay. Anyway, do you guys want to join my cult? Yes. Yeah. Okay. What's about? So this is the cult. It's going to be sick.

So I have been like eating a ton of healthy foods recently and I've like gotten out of shape because I can't really run like they like all the public parks and fields are closed. I can't really do any sprints or stuff. That's not true, Billy. I saw that people have been running marathons in their driveways. Okay. It's a mental and physical test. No, so, so the idea is we so like this is what our cult does.

It's called the berserker blood cult. So we work out all week and like eat healthy. And then on Friday we donate blood platelets or blood and then we like just become blood making machines and then we donate and then we come back from the donation place with the money they give you and then you buy alcohol and you can buy less alcohol because your blood levels are lower. So your BAC gets higher. So it's economical.

It saves lives with berserker blood and then we're all going to get jacked and like shredded and it's going to be sick. I'm all the way in. I'm obviously in on this. I have a couple of questions though. So if we work out during the week and we eat healthily that makes our blood more valuable to donate. Is that true?

Is there any science that backs that up? Honestly, I think my idea of healthy is not, you know, it's more of like cryptozoology type science. You know, I think it works because real science isn't really pulling through right now. Right. You know what I'm saying? Yup. Sugar Red Bull before you go give blood so that when they get the blood they get all like

jazzed up and like they get the good blood. I like that. And then we can eat unhealthy on the weekends. I'm thinking we're going to do ketosis again if you want to join. Yup. The Instagram berserker blood cult. I'm not, it's going to be purely like about saving lives, making blood and getting jacked, but it like is not going to be douchey.

I swear. What about chicks? Are we going to get chicks in this? Dudes and dudettes. Yeah. Okay. Billy, you want it? We should do an intermittent fasting competition.

Like how long can you fast? Well, what I do is from like I skip breakfast and just drink Red Bull and milk. And then at about one. It's crisis fuel. Yeah, crisis fuel. But I've switched from chocolate milk to regular milk because all the chocolate milk is always out at the supermarket. So then at one PM, I go eat my first meal and then like I eat two more meals after that

before I go to bed. Okay. But what about like- You just described, wait, wait, wait, I want to back up real quick. This is what Billy just described. We're just eating breakfast kind of late and then eating lunch and then dinner. Yes. I wake up early though.

So you do intermittent fast for a while. So, but what do you think? Like how long do you think you and I could go if we went heads up? Who could go the longest just drinking? All you can drink is black coffee and water. In a day or just like- No, how many days? You think we go like we go head to head for like two days?

Fasting? Yeah. Dude, that you lose mass. You got it. Okay. Yeah, I know. I'm trying to lose mass. Okay.

So this is what we do. This is what we do. We're actually going to get we're going to get shredded. So what we're going to do is we're going to go back on ketosis, no carbs, no nothing, but you can only eat preserved like non-perishable foods. Okay. Like canned chicken? Yeah.

I can only eat from canned. So you won't eat as much. It's disgusting ketosis. You push yourself into being healthy by removing anything that tastes good from your house. Yes. Exactly. And you only just stock up on non-perishables because I've been eating them.

Because I sort of only bought non-perishables and I've been feeding myself them. And I want fresh food and I'm getting pretty tired of it. It's killing my appetite. Yeah. Okay. I mean, a microwave probably destroys the virus, right? Exactly. So if you only microwaveable shit, that's good.

What about you mentioned the berserker blood, right? Is there any health benefit to me giving my blood once or twice a week and then that way my body is creating new blood for myself all the time? So like, you can only donate, I've looked this up, you can only donate blood once every two weeks. But you donate blood platelets once every two days. And then, yeah. What about semen? Should we start giving away our semen?

I'm not sure. Okay. I haven't looked that up yet. All right. I like the idea of donating my blood more frequently because it's like a car oil change, right? Yeah. If my body, if I'm walking around with old blood, then I'm going to act sluggish.

It's not going to be as efficient. But if I give a bunch of my blood, the new blood's better. Well, I want to start giving platelets because they can find the antibodies in there. So like, your antibodies are fighting the virus in other people's bodies. So you're like inside of other people fighting the virus. I like that. I'm like a spirit warrior. I'm like super strong, yeah.

You want to fight the war on Corona? You're just fighting other people's Corona wars. It's like mercenaries. Your antibodies are like mercenaries in other people's bodies. Fuck yes. Fuck yes. That'll be pumped up. If you want to be a fucking Corona virus warrior, mercenary, Berserker blood cult member,

just like follow the Instagrams, DM me pictures of you donating blood and what you're doing. It's like, I think you have to be in ketosis to go Berserker because that's like all the Vikings would eat was like meat and stuff. Like, I don't know what else to eat. But yeah, probably a shit load of pussy. Yeah, good point. K-men were all in ketosis all the time, right? Paleo.

Paleo for life. All right, Billy, what do we have next week? Have you decided? Yo, I'm thinking like dinosaurs. I love it. Love it. It lost the Twitter thing. Got some sick dinosaurs in the back of my head that we can get going.

Alistair. Sicker than T-Rex. We should do, yeah, we should do. You should learn every single dinosaur and we should try to do, maybe you could give us like a Mount Rushmore of dinosaurs. That'll be, oh, you already got them. Okay, perfect. All right, well, Billy.

Word of warning, don't come in here and tell me that triceratops did not exist. We'll boot you out of the chat for that. T-Rex ever meet a triceratops? Find out. Yeah, Jurassic Park. Didn't see it. All right, Billy, thank you so much. Love you.

Stay safe. We will see everyone on Wednesday. Have everyone stay safe. We'll have some draft stuff coming up and we'll see you Wednesday. Love you guys. Today is a nice day to find you, shy it away. So often come and wait in love, okay? Wake on me.

Wake on me. Wake on me, on me. Wake on me. Wake on me. Wake on me. Wake on me. Wake on me. Wake on me.

Wake on me. Wake on me. Wake on me. Wake on me. Wake on me. Wake on me. Wake on me. Wake on me.

Wake on me. Wake on me. Wake me on.