Pardon My Take - Comedian Jeff Ross + Chris Long For Episode 500

Episode Date: May 31, 2019

NBA Finals Game 1 and Kevin Durant is smiling. Drake vs the Warriors, rest vs rust, and Siakam was on fire. If we were up 100 on the Warriors in the 4th quarter could we win. (3:12-13:08) Stanley Cup Final Game 2. (13:08-16:18) We celebrate our 500th PMT episode with our very first guest, Chris Long, for a 4 good minutes interview. (16:19-26:36) Fyre Fest of the Week (26:37-36:26) Comedian Roast Master Jeff Ross joins the show to talk about his career, the art of the roast, his most memorable roast, and he tells the story of his Prank Battle with Cousin Sal that ended with Tom Cruise mediating it at Jimmy Kimmel's house. (38:10-1:18:27) Segments include not afraid to go there, Doug Gottlieb, (1:21:41-1:27:12) Sabermetrics Football anouncers and the Over, (1:27:13-1:30:13) Tebow Update,(1:30:14-1:30:48) Scottie Pippen is suing a 5 year old, (1:30:49-1:32:14) and FAQ's.(1:32:15-1:40:18) You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/PardonMyTake

Hey, pardon my take listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen, ad-free, on Amazon Music. On today's pardon my take, the 500th episode. Number 500. What is that in Spanish? Cinque... Cinque...

Cinque... Cinque... Cinque... Cinque... Cin... Well, it's the 500th episode. 500. 500.

I don't know how we've made it. We're going to talk a little bit about that. We're going to talk about NBA Finals first. We have comedy roast master Jeff Ross. Hilarious story he tells us about his prank war with cousin Sal, which he still is, like, to this day, a little like scars there. Tom Cruise actually fixed it for him, so he tells that whole crazy story. We have the first...

Cuenientos. Cuenientos. You googled it? No, I just remembered. Yeah, okay. You googled that. Bubba's just shaking his head, like, bro, you just googled that. Have a good memory.

We have the first ever part of my take guest, Chris Long, back on for best four minutes. Four good minutes. Four good minutes. Yeah, that was for the first show or the second show, if you're counting. We tried that, and it filled spectacularly. So we have all that, a packed Friday show for you. Before we get to all that, though, part of my take is brought to you by the Cash App, the number one finance app in the app store.

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We're going to the street there with violence, and then a lot of work to be done, no place to hang out or wash in, and then I can't play all on the sun. Oh no, we're going to rock it down too, electric high brand new, and then we'll take it higher. Oh, we're going to rock it down too, electric high brand new, and then we'll take it higher. Welcome to part of my take presented by the Cash App. Go download it right now and put in the code BARSTULE and you get $5 to the ASPCA. Today is Friday, May 31st, and it's our 500th episode. Yay, we'll get to that in a minute.

The more important news, Kevin Durant's got to be feeling real good right now. Very conflicted, Kevin Durant. Real good. Right into the Skip Bayless takes, that sound you hear is Kevin Durant's calf magically healing itself, so I guess Skip Bayless can hear muscle fibers just weaving themselves in position. Yeah, so Kevin Durant got to look at that game and be like, hey, maybe you do need me because we finally have a new NBA finals and we have a finals that looks like it might

be a series because the Raptors, we the North, shout out all the people at Jurassic Park that were there from like 10 a.m. on the Raptors, win game one and 10 a.m. It was more like 3A. It was crazy. They all took the day off. It was crazy. Does Canada, they get Thursdays off? When the Raptors make it to the NBA finals, you get every single day off in Canada.

So the Raptors win, Pascal Siakam was insane, Kauai was Kauai, and the Warriors have to basically, I was actually very impressed by the Raptors' defense and the Warriors now have to say, hopefully Kevin Durant will come back or most likely they'll just become the Warriors again and probably win the rest of the series. So they didn't shoot very well. Yeah. They shot like 33% or something from the field. Not great for the Warriors.

That's probably not going to last. And it's one of those circumstances where it's like, hey, if we're going to get beat by Marc Gasol, Siakam, Marc Titus, Gasol, Fred Van Skeet shooting ropes. Dude, Fred Van Skeet is awesome now. He is very, very, he's good after he had the kid. Do you know what he has too? A child. No.

He also has a booty. Fred Van Vleet's got a little junk in the caboose, gets him, he's one of those guys that like, he'll do that dribble up and he can kind of box you out like 40 feet from the basket. A little PJ Tucker action. Yeah. It's nice. It's nice.

It is. Yeah. The Raptors look really good. The Warriors, the thing about the Warriors is they're never out of it. So even when they were down by 11 points in the fourth quarter, I was like, Hank, we got this because me and Hank made some basic bitch bets tonight and I just took the Warriors straight up. That was like, that was like, Warriors, they're, wait, the Warriors are good and the Raptors,

they lose in the playoffs. I bet on the Raptors shout out Toronto because I know they think we've been dogging them all, uh, postseason, which we kind of have, but whatever. The Raptors hold court on game one, Drake was all over the place. It is the Drake series. They even had a sit down, I think with Adam Silver. Good. By the way, like I, I think Drake's kind of annoying, but it's still good for an NBA

finals where it's like you get to see him reacting. He, he might be banned because he touched Steph Curry. He picked, uh, something off of his hair and he then wrote on Instagram, Steph Curry hair lint for sale on my eBay right now. Username Draymond shouldn't wear 23. He like mean mugged him on the way out, got in Draymond's face on the way out. I, I don't, I think Drake, when he touches Nick nurse, it's weird, but this stuff I kind of like.

Yeah. That's what I was saying. Going into the series. It's good to have Drake stirring shit up on the sideline. I think Drake more involved. I need him in the post game. I need him like answering questions. He wore the team.

He wore Del Curry's Raptors jersey this league. I want to see him with his illegitimate child like Riley Curry on his lap, both answering questions together. He is, uh, he takes the petty wars to like the final level. This is the final boss of this league slash petty wars. That was, that was push a T right? That said he had the illegitimate kid that he wouldn't acknowledge. Yeah.

We don't talk about that. Did he, did he didn't respond to it? We squashed it. We squashed it. Yeah. Bless up. Uh, we also had the classic rest versus rust, rust wins. So the Warriors did look rusty in the first quarter.

I think they scored the, the fewest points they'd had in a quarter, uh, in the first quarter of these finals, this playoffs. So they looked rusty coming in, boogie cousins made a couple appearances. And I don't, I mean, if we're sitting here right now, like, Hey, who do you still thinks going to win the series? I obviously still think it's going to be the Warriors, but I'm just excited that it's going to at least go five and we at least push that bet, Hank, of the, how many more NBA games are there going to be?

I think it will go six at least. Um, so credit to the Raptors. I still don't think anybody can beat the box credit credit to the rat yet. Yanis monster. Thanks. Credit credit to the Raptors for, for showing up. We the North and, uh, one last thing on, on the game for me real quick, Toronto's victory was a total team effort.

Kauai scored 23 and Fred van Vleet scored 15 off the bench as a team. They played outstanding defense. Thanks magic. I love it. He's so good. Magic is really, really good. So we were watching it. And as, you know, the Raptors maintained a pretty healthy lead.

They kept some distance throughout basically the entire game. They're once or twice the, uh, the Warriors got within five or six points, but it was a pretty healthy lead. And I asked you, I said, do you think that if it was the four of us, me, you, Hank, Bubba, and we'll throw in, let's throw Mark Titus, Mark Titus, that no, I don't, I don't, that's no, we can't put Mark Titus in here. We have to have a bad basketball player. Okay.

Let's say Mark Titus now, no, we're still out now. We're still out. Yeah. He's pretty bad. He's pretty bad. So if it was the five of us and we had a hundred point lead against the golden state Warriors at the start of the fourth quarter, could we hold them off? Yes.

I don't think so. Absolutely. We wouldn't be able to dribble by fouls each. What? So you're saying that you just wait, that's not enough fouls. Wait, but, but we'd have to get the ball in. Yeah. We'd have to inbound.

I don't think I could inbound the ball. I don't think we could inbound the ball. I could bring it up. Just throw alley. You're tall. Hey, you think you could bring it up? Hey, we were, I was doing the math, I was crunching the math. How long like we could just keep getting eight seconds and then having them like get the

ball back and shoot right away. And I think they would probably still win. No. Easy. I think we wouldn't buy 30. Yeah. I think what we'd have to do is just, we'd have to foul the shitload. But the problem is that stops o'clock.

Yeah. I just don't, I think we would still lose and it would be like hilarious how bad we would look because I don't think we'd get the ball in half the time. I mean, I get at least a couple of dunks in there. Just throw the ball. I was saying the strategy would be to just throw the ball to half court and try to get a hand on it. Like basically play like Hail Mary game where we try to get a hand on it and then just let

chaos ensue and hope that that takes enough time over time to waste the clock. You know what we do? We just have Rosillo throw the ball full court, aim for the, for the backboard on the other end of the court. Who knows where the ball is going to bounce after that. True. That was at least a couple of seconds. So until someone touches the ball, not even if it hits the backboard, I don't know the

exact rule. I'm pretty sure you have to actually touch the ball for the, for the, for the clock to start. Okay. We need to, we need to actually figure this out. Cause I don't think that's ever been done either to just, I think his arm would get tired. Like I actually don't think he'd be able to do that.

Rosillo? Yeah. Like 80 times. As much anymore. Yeah. So, uh, I'm saying we'd probably still lose Hank thinks he'd be, you think your handles are sick enough to cross up clay and it's passing. Just think about the past.

Think about the matchups. Think about the matchups. Steph Curry would be on PFT. Definitely. Clay would be on you. Okay. Liam would probably have a Iggy. I'd have Draymond on me or no, right?

Right. Draymond on Rosillo. That's what you do. You just have to get inside Draymond's head a little bit. Maybe actually, maybe draw a technical. Actually, you know what? Mismatch. Kevon Looney.

I would take him down. So you're right. Just get it to me in the low post. It'd be a good fundamental drill. Moving without the ball. I actually do think I'm stronger than some back screens for each other. I could box Steph Curry out. No.

Yes. Dude, he's like eight inches taller than... He's six feet tall. He's six three. I'm five nine and a half. He's six three. So he's like... It's not about who's the tallest.

It's about who's the lowest. That's right. I've got a much bigger ass. You guys are... I don't think you guys know... Steph does not know how to handle an ass like mine. I think you guys are thinking like we could just throw the ball in and not dribble and just run around.

No. We would... 100 they don't call travels. The key factor is 100 points in 12 minutes. Yeah. 100 points but they would just basically play four on... They would just cover everyone and have Steph just stand at the corner three and they'd steal it, throw it to him, swish, steal it, throw it to him, swish.

If he traded for Deli, he's a warrior killer. Oh, then we're fine. Yeah, then we're fine. He's a fucking warrior. Then we're fine. We're great. They'd put everyone on him and we would just feast. So yeah.

This is going to be... I mean, I'm excited for like this series now because of what the Raptors did. So they need Kevin Durant back. I'm going to say it. I'm going to say Kevin Durant. Come back, man. Something to keep an eye on. Iggy might be hurt.

Oh yeah. Or worse, injured. Well, Iggy is like Sean Lee. He's always a various state of hurt. He's teetering on the edge. Yeah. Once you get to a certain age, it's not like is he hurt. It's just like how can he get to like 75%?

I did like the vest that he was wearing tonight though. Yeah. It looked like the Kool-Aid man fucked a bottle of Tang. Absurd. He just like... He basically went to Goodwill and found the most ripped up sweater and then ripped it up more. It looked like the couch from Snick.

Hand up. That's not a great take. It looked more like the couch from the wire. Oh yeah. Yeah. Nice little orange. Yeah. That's...

Yeah. It was a very... You look like he was like old school like Tom Jackson Broncos. Yeah. And it had the little like little slit. Just a little tiny slit for him to stick his head through. It's like a poncho. Yeah.

It kind of looked like if you took the couch from the... If you made a fleshlight out of the couch from the wire. Yeah. That's what it looked like. It looked like the sweater that you put on if you just smoke like out of a bond for four days straight and never leave your house and then someone rings your doorbell. Yeah. And you're like, oh shit, I got to get dressed real quick.

Yeah. And your dick's just hanging out at the bottom. You know what it is? It's the classic I'm hungover on my couch all day Saturday and then the delivery guy came. The Chinese delivery guys at the door. But your Zac Efron meets Sean Payton kind of close. I have to cover myself up with whatever is available. Yeah.

A little call back there. So we have a series. The Stanley Cup Final, we also have a series. The Blues have won their first Stanley Cup Final game in the history of their organization. They're one in 13 all time. And that... Listen, I know Blues fans will say I'm being mean right now. I'm just stating facts, credit to you, one in 13 all time.

That's impressive. Allez les Bleu. One and no in the last one. It's pretty good. Yeah. Are you worried, Hank? No. No?

Not at all? Not even a little bit. Not even enough to like watch the games? What do you mean? Did you watch the game last night? I was living and dying. It was a good game. It was fucking physical.

Shit. And the third period, I know I'm not obviously a diehard hockey fan, but third period Tide game is as hard stopping as it can get for sports. There's nothing like a Stanley Cup Final or a playoff hockey late third Tide game pipe. When it hits the pipe, it's like that is... Time stands still per minute. Or a breakaway. Yeah.

Or a breakaway. There's time stands still though when you have that pipe and you're just like, oh fuck. Overtime hockey just sucks ass if you're rooting for one of the teams. Yeah. It is awful. Even though there is like that feeling of like you have super anxiety when it's tied in the third period and then you have that like slight moment of taking a deep breath when it goes into overtime, then you're like, oh fuck.

Yeah. Now it's overtime again. Yeah. Now you're right back into it. I think I'm rooting for St. Louis and here's why. I want to see what new kinds of fucked up food and celebrations St. Louis does that I don't know about yet. Because I learned something new about the St. Louis culinary like tradition every year.

Yeah. Whether it's their pizza, which my understanding is like Saltine Cracker with ketchup and then like a Lunchable like Cheddar or not Cheddar, whatever the yellow American cheese, you just leave it outside on your driveway for about eight hours and that's their pizza. Be nice to St. Louis. No. They won their first St. Louis Cup final. Listen, I'm rooting for them because I want to see what kind of weird traditions they

did. Yeah. Yeah. Or the cutting the bagels. Top-wise. Top-wise. Yeah. I don't even know what to fucking call that.

Yeah. What do you say, Hank? No, I mean, they just got Panera stolen from them, but they're in denial about that one. Well, they still call it St. Louis. And the Rams too. That's what I'm saying. Yeah. Bread company.

But it's not. Either way, that's going to be that's a good series. I mean, that's like it's not Panera. I mean, it's not St. Louis bread. Well, it is in St. Louis. Oh, really? It's a regional thing. Yeah.

Yeah. Outside the city walls. They just knew that. They still have that on like the on the restaurants. If they called it St. Louis outside of St. Louis, everybody would be like, I'm not eating at the St. Louis restaurant. Right. Right.

They tried that with Skyline Chili, but it didn't take on. It used to just be Cincinnati Diarrhea. And then they're like, let's try to make some. No, it was called Skyline Diarrhea. Yeah. Now they're like, hey, let's just call it Chili and see if anybody eats it. Okay. So that's going to be a good series.

The one thing I loved about the first two games of Stanley Cup Final is the two games were so opposite. The Bruins were dominant in the first game, outshot them by a million, and the Blues were just so physical in the second game. So I love series when it like basically the way the games are played just shifts every single game. And now they're not going to be any penalties called from this point on. Right.

Game three and after in Stanley Cup, the boys swallow the whistles. Um, okay. So 500 episodes, we are here, we said we'd get to it. So we're at our 500th episode. I still can't believe 500 someone actually, we didn't even know we walked by and Mikey podcast like, you know, it's the 500th episode today. I don't even know if he knows. Like it could be for all we know, it could be like 505, it could be 482.

I mean, the math kind of checks out on that. Sure. Right. Maybe. I don't know. I can't add up those kind of numbers, but it's crazy that we're here. It's crazy where we started. It's even crazier that month over month we've grown literally every month, which I still

can't believe that we look at it every time we're like, how's this keep happening? This summer is going to be the ultimate test. Well, because after the women's World Cup, there are no sports until training camp starts. Hank was looking at last year, Great Week to this year, Great Week, and it's substantial year over year. Yeah. So that's what we care about. So credit to all of you guys who have listened, who've shared, who've sent it to people who've

like enjoyed, you know, doing this with us. I just want to say, I don't know if we've improved that much, but I think that our listeners have improved. Oh, big time. They might be in line for most improved podcast listeners this year. Well, the Takies are coming up. They are. So, but it's, it's been crazy.

I don't really know what else to say other than thank you. I still like, we, I think we still pinch ourselves every now and then. We're like, wait, we're, so this is still working really, really well. Like we're still at the top of the sport. It's like, if we're to think back over the 500 episodes, what are besides, what's besides that noise, besides building a new podcast studio next to a, I guess, a bobsled track. They're running a bobsled. Oh yeah.

We're in our new studio for 500, which is crazy, but what are the worst ideas that we've had? Probably saying suck my dick instead of hello. Terrible. That was a pretty bad one. We held on to Harambe for a little too long. Yeah. But we're still moving.

We're moving some fucking product. We were fucking moving. We were, as I say in the biz, we tried to get rid of Harambe and then our merch people were like, uh, that's true products. Yeah. They did. They were like, Hey guys, do you have any more Harambe's? Do you have any more dead gorillas we can fucking prop it off of?

We considered killing a gorilla is just that we could, we were moving wet shit. We were moving. We were. Held on to Harambe much better than his zookeepers did. Yes. Yes. Um, we owe the people, uh, it's been a long time since we've done a part of my bake. We owe them that.

I feel like you just want to get high. Yeah. Well, duh. Don't you? Yeah, I do. So listen, I'm dealing with a broken, not anymore, pretty much broken rib. Yeah. An official broken rib.

Okay. From the x-ray. Okay. Like we, we podcast through some shit on this show. Yeah, we do. We podcast through a lot of shit. And so you got bit by a dog. I got bit by a dog.

He didn't miss a day. Like forever ago. Um, we should, so we're going to do our interview with Chris Long. He was our first guest ever for people who remember the start of this show. It was drastically different. It was, so when we first started, we were going to tape it in the, uh, like at 10 a.m. Monday, Wednesday, Friday. And what's this noise now?

It's a plan land. They built an airport at Madison Square Garden. Everyone tweet all business Pete tomorrow and be like, way to build a podcast. Do, no, don't do that, but maybe do it. Um, just once we, we started the show. We were going to do 30 minutes tight every day from, or sorry, Monday, Wednesday, Friday. We're going to tape it at 10 a.m. and put it out at noon. That didn't last more than a week because we're like, this is stupid.

My brain doesn't work in the morning. No, it's really dumb. We also, one of the dumbest things we were going to do, and this was the, why we had Chris Long back on, we were going to do instead of five good minutes from PTI, four good minutes. We interviewed Chris Long. You can go listen to the episode and we didn't even get a question because the four minutes were up. We also had a shitload of sound effects.

The reggaeton. Yeah. Put it in a reggaeton. I don't mind. Hank, when we switched, when we switched topics on our segments tonight, tossing the reggaeton. Yeah. Just for old time's sake, for the, for the real ones. And so for the 500th episode, we have Chris Long back on for exactly four minutes.

And here is our first ever guest, long time friend, now two times Super Bowl champion winner. And retired quitter. He's a quitter. Pot smoker. Uh-huh. Chris Long. Okay.

We now welcome on the very first guest we ever had on part of my take. It is Chris Long, now two times Super Bowl winner. He had zero when we first had him on, man time changes. So the first time we ever had Chris on, we did fastest four minutes, PFT and I had a genius idea to do the, the PTI bit, but one minute faster. Yeah. Like the whole eight minute abs type thing. Yeah.

We're like, we'll just do interviews for one, four minutes. We had Chris on. We barely got through the intro. We got like one question in. Yeah. My parents came to the door and like, that's right. How he was on the first show. Yeah.

Yes. And I was like, I was like, dad, I'm on an important show. And he was like, yeah, whatever son. And it wasn't at the time. It was not. But it has. Is it at this point? Yeah.

Very. Oh, culturally. I think it was probably more important than culturally. We are probably the most important show for people who don't know what the fuck they're doing and kind of just like fuck around for a living big cat brings up or teenagers slash like 23 year old dudes with the white hats with the numeric or the letters of their colleges. Cox. Yeah.

Yeah. The peckers. I had the university handover. I had a dollar for every dude that fit that demo that stopped me and said, A. W. L. Brown. Well, you know, in fairness, you live in a fucking college town, Chris. Yeah. Chris is wondering why all these college kids keep coming up to him as he walks through the quad.

That's true. And so big cat brings up a good point when you first came on the show, you had zero rings. Now you have to how much of your success do you attribute to coming on? Pardon my take. Great question. 7%. I'll take it 7. Which is a lot.

That's more than a lot of people. I mean, like if you break it down to like people or entities that have had to do with my success, that's pretty high up because you got to, you know, slice the pie up. Yeah. 92% Howie. 1% new 7%. How much? Yeah.

Are we more or less than your high school football coach? Oh, then John Blake. Yeah. No, he was like 8%. Oh, he's 8%. All right. Good answer. So Chris, another question for you.

How impressed are you with what we've accomplished? It's kind of dumb founding. Go on. I mean, this is, you're calling me, you were like, Hey, man, we're doing our 500th episode and I kind of thought to myself, I was like, are they good? Like, are they getting canceled? Because it's like some like final episode. Like,

Well, you never know. You're noted pot smokers. It's just a finale. You were confused probably. Oh, maybe. No. I don't smoke pot with the sun out, dude. And you texted me pretty early today.

Only on rainy days. Yeah. All right. So go on. Keep telling us how awesome we are. Well, no, at first I thought they were probably canceling the show, but then I looked up like all the metrics and you guys are like, I'm really proud. Thanks, man.

That's really nice. That was really nice. That's very nice. Do you, while we have you on, do you want to respond to Danny Cannell not knowing whether or not pot was more dangerous than opioids? Yeah. We'll crush up a bunch of opioids and, you know, go grab some white owls and just burn that up and see what happens.

Actually, don't do that. I'm going to say don't do that. No, you're going to get me killed, Chris. Obviously. Obviously. But, you know, with some of the response I've been getting online, you can't be sure. Yeah, it's true. People are dumb.

For everyone out there, opioids are way, way more addictive and bad for you than marijuana. But we're just asking questions. Yes, we're just asking questions. So, Chris, in a serious note, I wanted, you obviously just retired. I wanted to ask you how that process went. Like it's obviously a huge decision in your life to walk away from the game of football. What went into that? Well, actually, it's funny because it kind of came down to.

All right. That's four minutes. Four minutes. Sorry, Chris. Thanks for coming on the show. Yeah. Thanks, man. Guys.

Yeah. Guys. Wait, we can't hear you. We got this played off later. Yeah. What? Chris, I can't hear you. Are you having both on later?

Who? Who's both? Hey, both on who? Yeah. Both of these nuts. Got to go. That was a good one. You know what?

That's perfect to end it on a joke directly from 2016. You're getting played off of your own. Oh, you just got burned so bad, bro. Yeah. You're getting played off, bro. All right. See you, Chris. Thank you.

Bye, Chris. Okay. We got to the bottom of that. We got to the bottom. It was great to hear in-depth stuff about his retirement. He's got some big plans for his post-playing career. Very excited to see how that turns out. Yes.

Actually, he taped that from his parents' house. Yeah. So he really is a little reversal of fortune there. He was interviewed by me and you who are bloggers living in your mom's basements, and now he's doing it. Don't do drugs, kids. Nope. You'll end up back in your parents' house.

You only get two Super Bowl rings. Yes. Actually, you know what? Somebody pointed out to me that I think the second time we had Chris on, when he signed with... No, this is further down the line. When he did sign with the Eagles, you said that you would get a tattoo in Eagles' tattoo if you won a Super Bowl with him.

Oh, well, yeah. I don't think I said that. We make a lot of promises. Yeah. That probably is not going to happen. I think we get our Blake Bortles tattoo. Then maybe once the ink starts, we'll talk about the further, you know, going more tattoos. If we followed through on all of our tattoos and the ideas that we had...

Come on. There's got to be a little bit of leeway. We're literally staring each other in our ass right now with Christian Yellow. We've got to have a little leeway with things we say. We look like the first person that got killed in the entire series of Oz. The real things we say, the finger cut, you eating poop, Hank getting a cat, those are the real things. So we'll keep doing those.

We should do Firefest a week before we get to Jeff Ross. Yes. You ready for it? You're damn right I'm ready for it. Okay. Why don't you start? Because you broke your rib. Okay.

Yeah. So my Firefest of the Week, I broke my rib. I hope it's not you breaking your rib. No, I broke my rib. Did I say that before the interview? Yeah, you did. Okay. So it's broken.

You said it like 16 times today. I'm also quitting Jewel, which is official. You've also said that like 16 times. I haven't Jeweled at all today. Also one thing, actually you know what that is going to be my Firefest of the Week. Not supporting you? Because Big Cat is not supporting me. I'm trying to extend my life.

Because I don't think you're serious. I threw away my Jewel Chargers. Okay. So now you're serious. I'm switching to Analog Cigarettes. Hold on. In fairness to my side of these things, you kept on saying you were going to quit Jewel and literally every time I turned around, you were Jeweling.

Because you told me I couldn't do it. You were like, you picked the worst time. Because you were ready. You did. Now I'm ready. Okay. Now I will support you. You admit, Great Week was the worst time to ever try.

It mentally prepared me to quit. You're sitting in a van all week and you're just Jeweling your face off. Now I'm ready to support you. You're going to kick this habit. If you see me Jeweling, I give you permission. You can slap me in my face. Oh, okay. I shouldn't have said that.

Yeah. The drunk PFT is going to get in a fight this weekend. No. No. Not listeners. You. Oh me. No.

I think everyone can. If you catch me Jeweling, slap me. That's actually a great way to quit. Yeah. You're going to get drunk on Saturday night. If you see me with that motherfucking thing on me, slap me right in my jaw. Get him. Get him.

I'm not going to get drunk though. Okay. But if you do, you Jewel. Hey, now Hank doesn't believe that I won't drink. Let's focus on, wait, let's refocus here one step at a time. Don't worry about drinking. Worry about Jeweling. Yeah.

I'm quitting respecting Hank too. Oh. When did you start? I do respect you Hank. Got it. Not anymore though. Can you be careful of PFT? Because what's going to happen is like someone's going to go up to you and be like, Hey, you

want to hit my Jewel, hand it to you. Slap you. I'm not going to take it. Okay. So I'm saying make a mental note to yourself. So my other fire first of the week. I'm going to text you at like 1 a.m. on Saturday. My other fire first of the week is the summer that I become not short because I grew a couple

inches in the last year. Oh yeah. This tweet got dropped. You ready for this? Sophie Turner, Zendaya and Priyanka Chopra have spoken, ladies, this summer we are only falling for short kinks. Ooh. Tough.

Tough for me. Not being short anymore. I'm just saying. It's tough for me. That would be such a classic be like, Oh, the women who are taken like, we love short guys. Yeah. By short guys.

That's what I'm saying. They're all married to short guys. Are they? Yeah. Are you sure? Yeah. I'm pretty sure. How tall is the Jonas guy?

He's real short. Is he? Under six feet. Oh, okay. Yeah. Wait. Real short. Couldn't be me.

Tiny. Just a shitty time for me to choose to not be short anymore. What musician is over six feet? Yeah. A lot of them. Phil Lesh. Yeah. Real fucking tall.

Tommy Lee. Frontman though. Front. Tall. Phil Lesh and friends. The guy from Better Than Ezra is like six foot eight. Marilyn Manson. Wow.

Sucks his own cock. Yeah. And really tall. So he's actually half as tall as he usually is normally. Yeah. He's bent in half. What other? He's a broken ribbed guy too.

Frontman. Yeah, but he did it on purpose. You should try to suck your own dick. I'll try. I don't have a broken rib unless you can. I'll give you a shot. That would actually be very painful for me because my throat's not big enough. Oh.

What'd you say? Put that on Barstool Gold. Yeah. Do it. Speaking of Barstool Gold. Good call, Hank. Thank you for reminding me. You want to watch PFT?

Suck his own cock. I'll do that live on Barstool Gold. That's PMT. No, we do have. We did an interview today. Awesome. That'll be out soon with the head groundskeeper, the Boston Red Sox, asked him a lot of questions. Crazy story.

He got hit by a car three times. Yeah. Like he has a dog and he has a whole story about a PTSD dog and he talks about that and it's awesome. We never even mentioned the fact that Bubba got hit by a car dome. That's right. Yeah. You guys could have bought.

Bubba, you could have a dog too. Yeah, you could get a dog. You have a dog? Bubba still doesn't have a mic, by the way. We have one, but it sounds as it doesn't work. All right, Hank. What's your fire fest? My fire fest of the week was that I was at the doctors two days ago.

And first of all, the fact that every time I have to get a prescription refill, I have to go to this doctor just so she can be like, oh, how's it going? I can be like, good. And they, that's it. I can't just call and get it refilled. I have to go in. And then I was in there supposed to go at 12. I was like there.

She wants to make sure that you can still get it hard. They were 30 minutes late. It's not for that. It's very ADHD. Got it. They were 30 minutes late calling me. And then when they called me there, I really, I forgot about, it's just like a stupid $10 copay.

Realized that I didn't have my ATM card on me. So I, the cleaning people just walked in the door, this is the shit show of an office. So I just needed 10 bucks cash to do this stupid doctor's appointment. Didn't have $10 cash. I basically wasted like three hours, which you couldn't, you couldn't just run to the ATM. I didn't have my ATM card on me. Hank, this is a real simple.

You just, these are like adult, no shit, but here's your simple solution. You just walk out, firefest, it's fucking buying a ticket, go to a festival and then showing up and not being able to go. Just go into a doctor's appointment, making the appointment and be like, oh, you need 10 bucks. And it's like, I have money. Good point. Fair point.

I have a credit card. Fair point. I have an ATM card, not with me. I own money. Yes. But I couldn't get it. And I couldn't be like, can I get an IOU for like, whatever. That's crazy.

They wouldn't just be like, hey, I'll come back like later today with $10. Did you have your phone on you? You could have cash apt him. Nope. Damn. Or you probably just could have gone out into the street and it like drawn on a cardboard sign like I need $10 for my Adderall and I'll give you one. And within about 30 seconds, you'd have 10 takers.

You would have actually just made enough money to not have Adderall. That's a good point. You're so rich, you just don't have those problems. You could just quit. With the tension deficit. You've gone to Mexico. You're so rich that you don't need to have your attention on anything. You would have had an attention surplus disorder.

Right. That's what you're, that's, that's goals. Yeah. To get that rich. Yeah. All right. My firefest, good one, Hank. By the way, we shouldn't, shouldn't badmouth the cleaning people because it's 1.30 in the

week. We shouldn't. Also, we shouldn't badmouth. It is kind of, we're kind of in their zone. Yeah. Like we're in their world. Not there in our world. But all right.

So my fire. We had that recording thing outside, Pete. Oh, interesting. On air. Yeah. On air. My firefest of the week is, it's actually a two week firefest because I've been, I've been like trying to chase this high that I got.

I got in a confrontation at the airport two weeks ago where a person came and tried to cut the entire TSA line because they were late for a flight and I had words with the person. I was like, Oh, did you just find out the flight was today? And they're like, I'm, I'm in a rush. I was like, yeah. So is everyone. It's a fucking airport.

Like you're a real asshole and it was thrilling. And when you get in a confrontation like that, it's like the rest of your life is meaningless. You're going, I'm just like, I'm like a dead person walking around like dead behind the eyes. I just need the confrontation. Look, I'm fucking drinking white dragon tea monster right now. Just to try to catch a high. Yeah.

You're going to be asking to speak to a lot of managers. Yeah. It's, it is like, I'm not a big confrontation guy, but like I, for some reason I was just feeling a little frisky. It was a Friday. I was like, fuck it. I'm just going to tell this person off for trying to cut the whole line. And ever since it's just like the flowers don't smell as sweet.

Nothing tastes as good. I'm just looking to get in another verbal, not physical, mind you, a verbal confrontation with no threat of violence. I mean, that's pretty much the best. That's pretty much how everything goes in New York. Yeah. Everything is a little mini confrontation. Hey, fuck you.

Even if fuck you. Even if somebody's being nice in New York, they're aggressively nice. Right. They're like, uh, wait, you're holding up the whole line here for the subway. You can't get, you don't have enough cash right here. Take my fucking car. Yeah. You loser.

But you know what I'm talking about? That buzz you get from like one of the, like just exchanging of maybe it was maybe more than no more than like 25 seconds of words passed back and forth. But that buzz will last a while because you're like, oof, that was great. I like felt good. Yeah. Now, did you judge the crowd reaction around you? Were they on your side?

I didn't even look back. I was, well, I was the reason why I did it was I was the next person in line. So they physically like cut me, you know, they run past everyone else and they stepped in front of me and I was just like, did you just find out your, your flight was today? Like what's going on here? Because it is bullshit. You know that like the person could have gotten there on time. They're just late because they were late.

Like, you know when your fucking flight is, right? Except I've been in that person. Also get clear. And TSA. Yeah. But you always make it. Come on. I mean, I can, I can understand that at an airport if somebody's like late for a flight.

If it's at a bukkake party and they step in front of me, I'm like, hey, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I was number 18. I was 18. I got my ticket here. Wait, but, but you under, you also would understand someone saying something like, like we live in a society. You can't just cut.

I'm more of a, uh, I will always have respect and courtesy towards somebody who is. Also, by the way, totally able bodied. Like wasn't any issue here. Moving quickly. Well, not all that. Not in their brain. Well, yeah, true. Not in their brain.

That's fine. I went to the wrong airport the other week. Well, it happens to us that again. Yeah. It's an adult thing. Yeah. It is. That's a wild listen.

Some of us are like Peter Pan. We don't grow up quite as fast as the rest of you. All right. So, uh, that was our firefest of the week. Bubba, did you have one? Oh, Bubba doesn't have a mic. That's his firefest of the week. We literally got in our new studio.

There's a mic sitting in front of him, but it doesn't work. So Bubba, that's your firefest of the week right there. You can lip sync your fire. Here Bubba, sit, like start talk. Actually, there's no camera on you. I was going to give you your firefest as you were talking, but also you, you, like, you are the like got hit by the car guy and then you got cut today. Big time.

Yeah. But a way more successful guy who's been hit by three cars. He's also older. He's also older. You can still try. You can still. You can shoot to get hit by two more cars. Yeah.

I believe in you. Let's get to Jeff Ross. So comedian, roastmaster Jeff Ross joined us. We talked about Ross. We talked about his prank war with cousin Sal, Tom Cruise being able to mediate it. It was a wild interview. Before we get to that, it is summertime and we got bird dogs. Bird dogs are gym shorts with a built in silky soft inner liner that makes underwear obsolete.

You can work out in them or you can do absolutely nothing in them. You can swim in them. Bird dogs dry faster than a bathing suit and they are super comfortable. I actually just ordered like seven new pairs of bird dogs for summer. PFT or PFT and Hank, I got a question for you. What's up? How important is it to have a pair of nunchucks handy? I'd say very important in case some asshole tries to give you shit for cutting a line.

Very important. So go to birddogs.com right now, enter promo code take and they'll throw in a pair of nunchucks. You didn't know you needed nunchucks. Now you got nunchucks. Yeah, you heard that right. Nunchucks. They'll give you an actual, listen, I'm just going to read what they said, okay? You'll get an actual murder weapon along with your pair of bird dogs.

That's birddogs.com promo code take and boom, a free pair of nunchucks with your pair of bird dogs. You will not take these things off. I promise you, seriously guys, we don't like say everything out there is the best but bird dogs are really the best. We wear them like all summer long. You'll see our booties popping in our bird dogs and they got that extra liner. So you can go underwear and liner in case you have a hank.

We call it a hank when you poop your pants. That's a hank. All right, birddogs.com promo code take. Do it right now. Okay. Here he is. Comedian Roastmaster Jeff Ross. Okay.

We now welcome on the Roastmaster Jeff Ross. What's up? Joe. He's got a new Netflix show out. It's called Historical Roast. He's roasting people throughout history. Abraham Lincoln, Cleopatra, Muhammad Ali, and Frank. Yeah.

How'd that one go? Terrible. Yeah. She was pissed. That's just so I actually wanted to like, this is a genius idea because you can basically roast people with and they can't come back. She screamed for the first time in her life. It was cathartic.

Yeah. So this new show, like what gave you the idea? Was it just you just ran out of live people to roast? What happened? No, live people want to be roasted more than ever. That's the fun part about it. But you know, people say like, who's your dream roast? So I made a list of heroes, people I cared about.

I did notice that there are no villains. You didn't roast any villains throughout history. There are villains on the show. On the dais, right? So you get to roast Hitler. But Hitler's not the star of the show. Frank roasts almost turned into a Hitler roast. Yeah.

But sometimes that happens when we roasted Pam Anderson. It turned into a Courtney Love roast. Oh yeah, it was all time. So these things happen at roasts. Did you purposely select, you were like, I don't want to have any villains as the stars of these roasts because you always say you roast the ones that you love. Right, that's a good thought.

And yes, we debated that a lot. We had a very intense writer's room about what's the right way to roast history. As fake news evolves into fake history, you go, huh, what do we really want to say with our chance to say stuff? Right. But I feel like down the road,

we could wind up doing a villain roast. Yeah. I'm not against it. I just feel like season one of a show, you want to be very clear what you're doing. Right. Who else, who just missed the cut? Ted Bundy.

Okay. That would have been an easy one. We're Albert Einstein. No, we weren't going to do villains this time. Okay, he married his cousin. And invented the atom bomb. Yeah, that's true. Hit season three, Albert Einstein.

Tune in, season three. So check it out, it's on Netflix now. You can watch the whole thing. I wanted to start kind of, not at the beginning, but somewhere around the beginning where I was reading up on your career and you talked about having thick skin as a kid and getting roasted by your uncle.

And what were the mean things that your uncle would say? Because it sounded like he was like, really would go after you when you were a little kid. My uncle Murray, I've been thinking about him a lot lately. Is he still with us? No, he died at 92. Okay. Just a few years ago.

And I wrote about him, thought about him a lot on Memorial Day because my friends and I, we were walking around downtown to some of the Memorial Day statues down in Lower Manhattan, like monuments. And Memorial Day, you think about veterans. And my uncle Murray was an army medic in World War II.

Oh, wow. Back when people, he didn't save them the way we do now. He was just kind of like, they just die. Put morphing in them and just try to give them a happy end. You make them laugh while they're dying. It's like the saving Private Ryan. Yeah, they just literally all put their hands over the big bullet hole and they're like, this will work.

Like Patch Adams, he's put a big red nose on. He was dumbfounded by like modern medicine because he would walk, and he also liberated a concentration camp with his army. But you know, Murray Lifschultz, Jewish soldier in the US Army. Respect. That's fantastic.

He got away with it. He could say anything. I couldn't say shit to him. Sorry. I couldn't say anything. He could say shit. Fuck, bitch. I couldn't say any of that to him because he was a man.

And he was also like, I worked in this catering hall. I was a little kid, but family business. So he would just make fun of me for being a daddy's boy and just teasing me over my buck teeth and my goofy hair. And I was a little kid, 10, 11 years old. And he was my hero. So when he made fun of me, it hurt. So he did hurt your feelings.

Eventually, what was the point where you're like, actually, this is kind of fun. We're just busting balls. Or did you never get that point? Never felt that way until I was a man. Really? Yeah, like as a boy, I didn't know any better. Who's just like mean, they called him mean Murray.

Even his grandchildren call him mean Murray. Yeah, it's like a defense mechanism almost. Like you realize as you get older that you've got this almost traumatic experience of your uncle just roasting you every day. And you're like, no, he was just joking the whole time. You can vent yourself to like, it's a way to bust balls.

Did you ever do that right before he died? Like, hey, I want to tell you something real quick, Jeff. It was just a joke. You know what? He knew that I grew up and learned all that. And then for his 90th birthday, the entire family got together and roasted him. Oh, wow.

So he did, to his credit, dish it out, but he could take it. He could take it, too. I said, Uncle Murray's taking a big trip soon to that urn on top of the fireplace. And he loved it. He had like his cousins, you know, he was the man. Like people like getting roasted. They love being in the hot seat.

Have you ever dealt with somebody that really doesn't like to get roasted? I guess so. But it's like, for the most part, you roast volunteers. Like the whole fun of it is to get people that are up for it. Unless they're a passed away historical figure, they don't have to resurrect them.

They have no choice. Right. Bob Saget plays A. Blinken. And I told Bob ahead of time on the historical road show. And I told Bob ahead of time that I think Blinken, everything I read about Blinken is he has a great sense of humor. So, you know, I think Blinken would like this.

Right, right. A full house divided with Bob Saget. Right. It's interesting, the roast thing to me, because I've always, like the Ann Coulter one was one that stuck out to me where if the person getting roasted doesn't play along, it becomes not fun so quickly, you know?

And she was thin-skinned. And this frustrates me. People are so sensitive. You're going to come to a roast, what do you want to go? Soft? Right. That's almost meaner. Yes.

I ignore you at a roast. It means either you can't take it or I don't care about you. Well, there was one, I think it was, was it Dan Ackroyd? And Dan Ackroyd was on the dais. Yeah, he was on the dais. But Chevy Chase was there. And nobody went to it, because Chevy, I guess, doesn't have a lot of friends.

And so all the jokes were just about how nobody liked Chevy Chase. And you could tell he was a little bit pissed off about the whole thing. Yeah, it seemed like it, from what I could tell him, what other comics told me is that he was just like cranky the whole day, wasn't taking it well. Probably didn't do any coke that day.

This is probably like a good lesson for life, is to be able to, if you're going to talk smack, you got to be able to take it. Right. Right. By the way, this is a philosophy not just in roasting. This is in life. Yeah, I agree.

I do a podcast called Thick Skin, which isn't a roast podcast. It's about going through life, being able to absorb what life brings at you. And I do feel like a shout out to my uncle Murray. And all the bullies and assholes in your life right now, like in a way, they're preparing you for something more profound, more important later on. Right.

I mean, you guys, you think you'd be able to roll on sports if somebody, if you didn't, you know, the best, I think, sports people, sports casters are failed or people who played sports and got like, you know what it's like to lose. Right. I agree. The worst.

Like, I was on the worst high school football team in New Jersey, the Jonathan Dayton Bulldogs. Like, we didn't win one game in the four years that I went to high school. Yeah. Like, I think, I'm surprised there aren't 50 comedians from Springfield, New Jersey. You guys got the shit kicked.

Tony Romo's a good example. He never won a big game. Right. You know? By the way, he has a great sense of humor. Great sense of humor. He once drove me 100 miles an hour through the streets of Dallas.

Really? Yeah. Why? Just because he was hungry. He was hungry. I was performing down there at Amy Schumer's friends with him. She invited him to our show. I was on a bill with a bunch of comics.

And Tony was like, you're hungry? And nobody else was up for it. But I was like, sure. And we got this. His buddy was wasted in the passenger seat. And I was actually in a follow car, actually, behind him. There's two of us just trying to keep up with Tony Romo. And I don't know where he pulls over.

Not even in a red light. He just pulls over to bus stop. His buddy gets out to throw up. And Tony just grabbed the door, closed it, and left him there. And the guy showed up at the restaurant an hour later. That's perfect. Was he wearing that blue hat with nothing on it? He might have been.

OK. Yeah. That blue hat. I did some investigative research a few years back. He's in a Pizza Hut commercial. And they gave him a blue hat. And he's been wearing it ever since. Literally a free hat that he's just been wearing ever since.

Maybe it's part of his deal. Yeah. I think he just likes free shit. Even rich people like free shit. And he's just like, I love this free hat. I think it's like you put a hat on every once in a while and it just fits perfectly to your head. And you don't care what the fuck it says on it.

You're going to roll with that half of your life. David Tell gave me this bitch hat. I like that one. That looks pretty good. And I've been wearing it every day. What about those shades? Where are those from? I like those.

I'm on my way to the Elton John Premier for Rocket Man. Those look good. That looks pretty good, too. I'm getting out swagged. You look infinitely more hungover when you put those two things on. Yeah. You should be holding the worst hangover of all time.

You should be wearing like Uggs and holding a Starbucks. It was like, last night was a movie. You should be on Call Our Daddy. Oh my god. You were a part of a roast that's kind of been lost to history, I think. I think it was a roast of Mike and Mike. And Dana Jacobson got on stage in that one.

And I've never heard of one event sabotaging somebody's career as much as. Did she not come back from that? No, no, she didn't come back. Oh, really? You haven't been following up on her? No. But I think she was on Cold Pizza at the time,

or first and 10, or whatever they called it. First take. It was first take. And we know it was before first take. So I think it was Cold Pizza. And she got up there, and I think she said some stuff about Notre Dame. But no videos.

I don't think ever came out from that. Yeah, you never really heard about that. And those guys are still working, though. Yeah. So they're on top of it. But you know, it always takes one. Like, maybe she would. I remember her guzzling vodka.

Vodka. Yeah. And it was just like the whole thing kind of turned. I mean, it was a good comedy show up until then. I believe I was hosting it, actually. It was an Atlantic City. They sold thousands of tickets. So it was like a real, they had like a prize fight feel.

It was a great show, actually. Right. And you know, it's always fun when you see people that aren't used to roasting, like roast. Right. That's how the roast started, when old-time comics like Milton Burrell would curse. And no one ever heard that before.

So it was like, whoa, that was fun. You know, it's like you're driving a race car all of a sudden. Yeah. And then out of nowhere, in the middle of the show, that woman started like upending the whole thing. It turned into like some kind of punk rock thing. That's crazy. It like lost the comedy.

And it got, it became too, I don't know, like floppy. Is that the only time that's ever happened where it's like. One person can sabotage a roast. Has anyone else done that? Oh, man, let me think. Well, Courtney Love tried the situation. But Jimmy Kimmel really calmed her down. Oh, yeah.

The situation was so bad. The situation almost did. Yeah. When we roasted the Donald Trump. Yes. The situation refused to take his sunglasses off. You know how hard it is? That sucks.

You're already kind of douchey. Now you're insulting people wearing sunglasses. Yeah. I know. And Snoop told me to wear them. I'm like, you're not fucking Snoop. Like, take your sunglasses off. No, what a dickhead.

Yeah, what a fucking asshole. Anyone who doesn't take off their sunglasses. Fuck that guy. And by the way, he still thinks he did well. Oh, yeah. Well, in jail. I saw him before that. I saw him last year.

And he was like, yeah, man, I did my thing. I didn't mess up. Like, I stuck with it. I was out of my comfort zone. I'm like, you still think you killed 15 years later, whatever, 10 years later. I kind of respect that, though. Like, that level of lack of self-awareness.

Yeah, where you just go through your life being like, I'm the funniest fucking guy in the world. Like, this is awesome. Everything I do is awesome. It got him right to jail. Yes. Yes. What part do you think you played in normalizing Donald Trump?

Oh, wow. Good question. Good question. I just had to say that. Sorry. My other one, probably a big, probably a significant part. The other one we do is, if you could go back in time, would you still vote for Donald Trump?

Yes. OK. In that roast, didn't he tell you that you couldn't fuck around with his finances? You couldn't joke around with him? People say that, that there were rules about, oh, really? It's one of those stories that's been repeated so many times. I think we just think it's true now.

A lot of the writers did interviews and said, you know, that he was sensitive about his finances. And maybe he was, but not to the roasters. I think for his own speech, maybe, he wanted to trump up his finances, which anybody would do. Of course. Unless you're negotiating with a contractor, you always brag about how much money you have.

Until somebody's trying to sell you something, and you're like, I don't know, it's been a bad month. Can't afford that. So I didn't begrudge him that. I mean, his whole thing, it always seemed like a facade to me. He's trying to be the richest guy in the world. If he isn't, he's living like that.

The richest, richest people don't talk about their finances. You don't even know who they are. Right, exactly. They are completely invisible to a regular public. I know somebody whose dad is one of the richest guys in New York, in America. No one knows this guy. And they all do their rich people drugs

that no one else has access to. Like the everlasting gobstopper that they can have. They just live forever. I'm convinced that all rich people have access to these designer drugs that are so fucking cool that no one will ever hear about it. Not Steve Jobs. Yeah, that's true.

Actually, no, he's in Brazil. No, he's alive. Argentina, yeah. They say he lasted a lot longer than he might have. Thank God we should have. Alex Trebek, he's got all that money on the board every single show. He's in remission now.

True. Shout out to Alex. Yes, shout out to him. I like that. You're already showing some compassion, some vulnerability, guys. Do you ever find yourself being like, I'm just going to be the nice guy today?

Because everyone's like, Jeff Ross, roastmaster, haha, you rip people to shreds. You ever walk around being like, hey, I like that shirt, man. I used to have that, and then my dad got a job. It's the only way I could get away with roasting, and so I was nice most of the time. Oh, OK. That makes sense.

I don't walk around roasting my way through life, because that would be funny if you did. It would be a good movie, but I don't know if it'd be a good life. Do people expect that from you? Just sitting down talking to you like, come on, make fun of me. Why don't you make a roast of us? Not even in this situation, you guys know what's going on.

But I'll be walking through the airport, Newark Airport one time, and some guys like, my brother just got out of jail. He's in the bathroom when he comes out. Start making fun of him. Hahaha. It's like, come on, man. Don't be kidding me. First of all, it's like energy.

I'm tired after a roast. I'm sure. My brain is like, it's a lot of heavy lifting to even turn that on. Yeah. So what I do is it's like a superpower. I don't take it out when it's absolutely necessary. So what'd you say to the guy when he came out of the bathroom?

I left. Oh. I didn't do it. That's a roast in itself. I didn't take the bait. Yeah, just saying that you're not roast worthy. That actually cuts pretty deep right there. As opposed to you two guys, it looked like you get dressed in the dark.

Yeah, no, we're un-roastable, because we care so little about ourselves. Well, the thing we do is we've made every joke about ourselves that can be made, so the self-deprecation. I mean, I know that I look like a golf shirt. Well, here's what here's a golf shirt. If it was made by, if it was made by a tennis player. Can I explain it to you? Can I explain it to you?

It's because I'm a little heavy. And if you wear enough designs, it's like an optical illusion. I get it, like the carpets in Las Vegas. People are just looking at, like, is he fat? Yeah, is he fat? I can't tell. I'm all these fucking weird things on his shirt. All right, well, if you're out there wondering, he's a little fat.

He's about as fat as me. I went to the gym today. You did? Yeah. How'd it go? It was all right. I haven't gone on a long time. I can tell.

Yeah, we're getting in shape for the summer, for next summer. Yeah. All summer. Yeah, so you do obviously like a lot of roasting. Are there any projects that you want to work on that maybe have gotten sidetracked because somebody's like, no, you're the roast guy. Have you wanted to get into writing or dramatic film? I do that stuff as a hobby.

Like for a long time, I was like, yeah, I want to do this and that and branch out. But I don't know, roasting became so fun. I felt pigeonholed for a while. Dave Chappelle actually gave me a pretty healthy pep talk about it probably about 10, 12 years ago where he's like, that's your lane, bro. Make it a highway. Make it a six lane highway. And he's right.

No one really does that. And I don't know, man, I'm on a Amazon show as an actor called Sneaky Pete and I'm on a cartoon called Tangled. So when that stuff comes up, I don't usually audition. It's just usually like, oh, Jeff, you know, so it's like, if I don't have to write it, I don't have to make fun of anybody. It's not like work. That's like a weekend.

That's like a day off. Right. Your brain's not on the brain you're talking about. And I love that stuff. Right. I don't have to turn that muscle on. I could just show up and be funny in character or it's like, I don't know. I could do that.

It's just easier. Right. So I don't know if anything's been sidetracked because I really do love roasting. I feel like it's my purpose and it's also a movement. Like it's everywhere now. Like I get tweets and languages. I don't understand. Do you think that it has picked up steam in almost like a response to kind of comedy

has been under fire by like people on Twitter and all these, you know, there's been a lot of changing of culture. Do you think the pendulum swing back is roasts have kind of picked up steam? Yeah, I that's a good that's a good observation. I think as we become so sensitive, I say we society, you know, by the way, you can't even put roast jokes on Twitter. Yeah, you I read that you basically said you do not tweet anything provocative whatsoever.

You just promote shows because blame. I know. Right. You know, the fan, you know, you don't pick up followers that way. But and I do warn comedians sometimes like, dude, it's not a safe space right there. Right. That's funny. You also reverse of a safe space or made a safe space when people are talking

about not having safe space. Right. Yeah. I know I know now now you got to go to a comedy club. It's like a temple of free speech. Yeah, you got to go. You got to perform for people who want it. And then people taking it out of the thing I've also noticed people take comedy. We had Jimmy Karen here a couple of months ago and he was saying that like his

biggest problems have been when people have basically taken the comedy show and then written it and put it in a paper. Right. And it takes all context out of it. Right. And that's kind of what Twitter is a little bit when you can't really read the context or what is being said behind it because it doesn't have inflection and tone and all that shit.

And then you have to actually go back and see who's saying it and are they joking, especially with comics, because they could be joking. They could be posing as a character. They, you know, so none of it's real and all of it's real. Like, right. Like an expert doesn't matter any more than some nincompoop who's like on heroin. It's just a tweet. Right.

I'm going through it now. Like this historical show, you know, we roast Anne Frank and I got ahead of it and I talked to Jewish journalists about why I was doing it. And then somebody who in Amsterdam who lives near the Anne Frank house who hasn't even seen it will weigh in. Right. And then suddenly that gets amplified until it's like a newspaper article in Jerusalem. I'm like one Twitter user from, you know, the Anne Frank house.

Like, well, right, right. Why does anybody's opinion matter more than anybody else's? That's a good point. Somebody who died 80 years ago. It's a question of context and environment, I guess, because on Twitter, the audience is literally everybody with a smartphone, right? So they all have, you know, they see what it is and they all look at it in a different way from whatever angle it affects them.

When you're doing like a roast of Shaq, for example, everybody that's up there on stage, they're, you know, in the, they've agreed to be on that stage and we're all going to bust balls and we've agreed that we're not going to take any of this personally. But if you had tweeted out any of those jokes that you made about Shaq, holy shit, your career would be over without a doubt. So it's just like you have to take everything in context. Some people, they are comedy writers and they write jokes that are meant to be consumed by reading them.

Some people are comedians that get on stage and do what you do. And I think if you try to take one, if you took, you know, a very solid essayist who's like, you call him a humorist, that's what you call somebody that makes jokes, but isn't funny, I guess, is a humorist. But if you took a humorist and delivered those lines on a stage, everybody would be like, this guy sucks. Right. And if you took your jokes and put them on Twitter, they'd be like, fuck this guy.

Right. Right. You know, so it's all about like consuming in the right environment. Yeah. Know the room. You got to know your room. Yeah. Work the room, know the room.

The room could be Twitter. The room could be Madison Square Garden. Or this. Yeah. It's like, this is your room. Yeah. You guys know your crowd. You know what they want to hear.

They probably don't want their sports, their comedy watered down. It's like, when I do my shows, I'm in Vegas next weekend, you know, with a tell. It's like, he's like, oh, we might get backlash on Twitter for, I'm like, fuck that. This is where we do this. Right. Let's go full tilt boogie. People are not coming to Vegas for some watered down comedy. Well, and also when you get in your own head like that and start thinking about that,

like we always, you know, we listen to constructive criticism, but if you start listening to every single person who has something to say, you'll start just changing everything you do and going away from what works. And I've done stuff. I have had that happen to me and the work suffers. Yeah. It becomes not great for anybody. Right.

Right. I'm a big fan of Cousins Sal. Never met him. We were supposed to have him on the show. We didn't work out when Jimmy was here in Brooklyn. Can you tell me the history behind your prank battle? Because I've heard parts of it from Sal's perspective, but in Tom Cruise, like litigated it, but it was, it was an all time careful here because I don't want to like restart

anything. You know, Sal and I, no, please do. That would be great for our podcast. So don't be selfish. You fucking hate Sal. That's what you said. I love Sal. He knows that.

He came to my historical roast premiere last week and I heard him laughing and we're all good now. We're good pals. I'm super excited for him and all the stuff he's doing. And you ask about the history, but I think it's brought us better friends. Okay. Where we truly, I mean, we always loved each other, but now it's a more open affection. How did it start?

It started when I was a writer, fresh to LA for the man show on Comedy Central. My best job you could ever have. Right. Here's like a dozen guys locked in two rooms coming up with the craziest shit you could put on TV. Right. We were all dolled up with TV cameras and girls jumping on trampolines and we're all making money and we're all in LA for the first time and it was just a blast.

And Sal was the resident troublemaker. He would, you know, you'd come back from lunch and there'd be, there'd be like, you know, the screws on your desk would all be pulled out, you know, or he would like, you know, I was dating this chick. She came to pick me up and before she could even, you know, let me know that she was waiting outside. Sal would go outside, take his shirt off and take pictures with her in her car. You know, he would just do stuff like that.

And you know, it grew into stuff he would do on Jimmy Kimmel live, like I guest hosted and one time I looked out the, you know, that they go live from the parking lot and there's Sal spray painting the punch lines to my stand up jokes that I done the night before on the show onto my brand new white Porsche. And it wasn't a rich guy. This was my first nice car. You know what I mean? He knew that.

You know what I mean? So there'll be stuff like that where it's just, you know, like I was guest hosting the show for five straight nights once and I was also filming CSI during the day, like seven in the morning to eight at night. Then I rushed, then I drive from the valley to Hollywood to Kimmel show and I was like the guest co-host back when it was live, live. So I had 45 minutes basically to shower, basically eat something and walk on set that I didn't rehearse or anything.

I was sort of like sidekick kind of guy. And I had, I'd always order a steak or a hamburger and inevitably just as they handed me, I had this little window to gobble it down just as they would hand it to me. So I would walk out of a closet and just slap it out of my hand onto the floor. So I'd have to go on stage hungry every time. I think Sal's like penultimate moment or ultimate moment was besides the awesome hilarious prank stuff he does on Jimmy Kimmel live to like regular people. His personal pranks are deeper and very thought out and I was on Dancing with the Stars.

This is going back a while now. I think it very seriously, I was all in, I'd never been on prime time, ABC. I really wanted to knock cha-cha-cha, the quick step, like I lost 20 pounds doing it. Like I was really, I was in love with editor, my partner, you know, like we were like, we were going to win. Right. And then they would get the cast offs. The night you got thrown off live Dancing with the Stars, you went right over to Jimmy

Kimmel show and you'd be the guest, the lead guest, doing your costume or whatever. So the opening day of the show, we're doing a run through and editor had just had her nails done. We'd done this dance 500 times, two precision, but she got her nails done so now everything's three quarters of an inch longer on her hands. So her marks are a little off. Right. Like we had these very intricate moves where she's like, like, like moving around and I'm

going under her legs and over her and it's like, it's like a wow kind of a moment. And we do blocking. I'm just in a kiss shirt. My like sisters in the audience and we're just, you know, just rehearsing for cameras basically one last run through. All right. Sure. And editor hits her last spot and slices my eye.

My cornea is scratched. I flop on the floor. Everyone thinks I'm kidding. I can't open my eye. Half an hour goes by. I can't open my eye and they like send some PA with a, you know, a little Toyota Corolla or something to drive into the emergency room. Oh my God, from hero to zero.

What am I doing? Right. You know, and, and yeah, um, it was sad. It was very upsetting. I couldn't, I couldn't see much. I go to this emergency room, then they send me to a doctor. And next thing I know, I'm on my way back with an eye patch back to the show at ABC. And Kimmel texts me says, you know, if you got, you know, you got to dance.

The show must like, you're, you got to be brave. You'll be a hero. You got to dance injured. And I'm like, huh. And I run up by my partner editor and she says, if you can walk, you can dance. That's good. That's football guy. You know, and I said to the producer, I say, I'm going to dance.

The show must go on. He goes, the show goes on whether you dance or not. Right. That's important. Yeah. And I like, you know what? I'm dancing. I'm doing it.

I'm going to do this. It's going to be good. I know my moves. I don't want to miss it. I've been working two months and I dance and, you know, it was, you know, it was bad. People thought it was a telethon. We raised a million dollars for it. And I'm like, all right, my family shows up.

They're all wearing eye patches and solidarity. I'm like, all right, you know, maybe I can make something of this. I know that the Kimmel Show gets the results slightly ahead of everybody else. The guest who gets kicked off right on their show. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know to what extent they get them or what time or anything, but it's the same network.

I'm assuming there's some collusion and it's me and Kim Kardashian are the last two up there with our partners, right? They're voting people off. He's one of the biggest stars in the world and there I am. And about an hour before I get a text from Sal saying, you're safe and you're actually, this is the guy who's been pranking you all along, but you believe it. This is yet. This is true.

Okay. That's the thing about prank wars. It's always with somebody that you're actually close with. So not every interaction that you have is a prank. Right. Right. Well, of course we were the best of friends, right? And also like they were helping me, like I'm safe, right?

So now I can like relax a little bit, make some jokes. I don't need to prepare any closing speech, tell all your family, I'm safe, right? Tell everybody told editor. So now I'm like one eye and reading the text. I'm safe. I'm safe. Are you sure? Yes.

So now I'm up there in the lights, the music Ted Bergeron. It couldn't be more exciting. I'm going to move on. I'm going to get to do my second dance, the quick step, which I'm really good at. It's going to be Frank Sinatra, I get a kick out of you. You know, it's like, and they just click everybody off one by one. Chloris Leachman, Warren Sapp, they're all, they're all in, they're all in, gets down to me and Kim.

And I'm like, you can see me whispering and edit his ear. Don't worry. Don't worry. And then, and then they call Kim Kardashian. She moves on to the next show and you can just see me. How many, how many, how many, how many. At this point, I feel like Sal couldn't have lied. They must have changed their mind.

Oh, no, you're still believing it. I'm still believing it. And then it starts to sink in as the cameras come to me and Ted Bergeron's like, any final thoughts as you leave the competition? I'm like, I just got here. I don't even have barely, what? Huh? I got nothing.

So now I'm on the second episode of the number one show in the world on ABC and I have nothing to say. Famous for your quick wit. Yeah. Yeah. And finally, I got frustrated with the scoring and I said, speaking of ballroom, these pants are really tight. And I walked off.

It was a pretty good line. Yeah. And I do remember after that dance, like I should have known I wasn't gonna, I was the worst one, even though I wasn't sure. I remember Chris Rock calling me in my trailer before the show also, saying stop worrying about the dancing and start thinking of some jokes, which was good advice, which I did not necessarily take. Right.

So I go over to the Kimmel show and now I'm ready for battle. I'm so mad. And Sal's nowhere to be found, of course. Fuck. Yeah. Yeah. So it was, it took a long time. We were mad.

I was mad at him. I just couldn't take it. So you actually were mad. Like it was a real anger, it wasn't a prank war. It went on for not, not days, weeks, maybe even a couple months. I'd see him at Sunday football over at Jimmy's house and we would sit on opposite sides and because he does a big football Sunday where you have like a bunch of people, Adam Corolla, Bill Sinnings.

Yeah. You'd go over there and you'd see like, you know, TV movie stars and rock stars and actors and, you know, Jimmy's house. Right. You know, he still had his old, all his old regular schmucky guys like me, too. Frickin' Tom Cruise walks in and he'd just been on Jimmy's show. So we're not, we understand, but we're still like, he's, he's really walking in up the, up the stairs right now with his mother.

Sal and I are still like looking at each other from across the room. We haven't really talked or even anything. And it's like weighing on me. And then Sal just comes over and he sits next to me on the couch and he whispers in my ear. He goes, maybe we should let Tom Cruise settle this for us. And he did. And you know, I just shrugged my shoulders and I'm, I think it was Sarah Silverman was there.

She jumped up on the coffee table and like brought the whole thing to attention. Right. Like, like, all right, everybody gather round. Court is in session. Court is in session. Tom Cruise has played many lawyers. He's about to settle the feud. And you know, I think she was just trying to help me out, take the tension out of it.

Right. It was painful, not just for me and Sal, but for the, for the group. Right. For the, for the community, for the friendships. And we laid out what happened. And of course, Jimmy keeps trying to interrupt and help Sal along with his story. Because Sal sometimes will not necessarily tell things in the most sympathetic way. Of course, but you know, Jimmy has a very scholarly, lawyerly way of explaining what

so that between the two of them, I'm like, Oh boy, and I got to make my case. And I explained that this was high stakes that I worked really hard that this was something I took him. You know, I said, we're all friends. This is a career move. I wanted to do well. I wanted to come off funny. I didn't want to be caught.

It's okay to get voted off, but you want to be prepared. Sure. You're a little vulnerability. If you have inside information, which they claim they didn't use it to help me, right? Not to embarrass me. That was the case I made and that, that, and everything else that I've said is, and how much I love these guys and trust Sal. And Tom took a minute, he consulted with his mother, who was not happy with the amount

of cursing that had been going on. And Tom ruled in my favor, said, Sal, you, you really hurt Jeff's feelings and you owe him an apology. And Sal, you can see he did not expect that outcome. He expected, come on, get over it. Guys being dudes. You know, and no, but as Sal mumbled this half an apology, I'm sorry. And Tom stopped him halfway through and made him do it, annunciate it, pronounce it, shake

my hand. We hugged it out. And somewhere there's a picture, I'll have to find it and post it of Tom Cruz holding a football. And Sal and I have our hands on it. Like the orb. Yeah. Yeah.

And, yeah, I mean, the rest is, the rest is history. So I noticed that you omitted quite conveniently all the pranks that you pulled, oh, Sal to this point, because I'm sure Sal just wasn't like, I'm going to fuck with Jeff on his big TV show. No, I don't have that in me. I don't know how to prank people, everything I do. And Sal and I have debated this before when I make fun of people, it's to their face. You know, I don't, I don't prank people, I don't only sneak up on people, I don't talk

behind people's back. If I'm going to take you down, it's going to be face to face. That's what a roast is. Right. He was, that's his version of roasting, which is spray painting shit on your face. I roasted you so good you fucker. It's a classic prank. We're just mean as possible.

Yeah. All right. You got to go. You have historical roasts. Check it out on Netflix. Jeff Ross. So my last question was Seeky question. Put it in promo code tail.

Come see me in Vegas next week. Yeah. Where else are you going to be? We're going to be at the, at the, at the Mirage June 7th and 8th, and then we're going out to Palm Springs, to Harris, SoCal, and the Morongo. Okay. Nice. So check him out.

He's on tour right now. Promo code take for the Seeky purchase so you can go to a Jeff Ross comedy show. I love it. Go to Seeky, put in promo code take $10 off. Are you kidding me? You still get the money. I love that. You still get the money, but the people get $10 off free beer.

That's really cool. Thank you. Yeah. I just did that for you. Wow. That's the only time we've ever done that deal. You just bought a round from my whole audience. Yes.

Exactly. Now you guys are all right. You guys are all right. Jokes will be better. Yeah. Exactly. So last question is you have probably the three most absurd hairstyles of all time. Full bald man, corn rows, and the Jew fro.

How did you pull all three of those off? I'm not even halfway done, bro. Oh, you got more in the book? Life is long, man. Life is long. I'm working on the carrot top. Oh, hell yeah. Oh, fuck.

Hell yeah. Is that your next, like the next evolution of your career is just get jacked as hell, grow your hair out? That does happen to people. Yeah. I think I've always kind of had the exact same body since I was about 13. That's good. I don't like it when people get into too good a shape, which is why we're not promising

anything. It's not great for comedy. If you just fluctuated, like one year you're like, I'm jacked and the next year you're 400 pounds. It would be good. But every time I try to get in shape as a comedian, I do feel better, but I'm like, I could be writing jokes right now. Why am I in this fucking gym?

This sucks. This is not for me. Yeah. And I never found like fat or skinny or changed my career at all. Right. It really just makes the, you know, Rodney. Yeah. He walked around in a bathrobe.

Yeah. Exactly. I tell you, you guys were a lot of fun. Getting no respect. I got one last question for you. Shoot. Fire away. Back to real quick Donald Trump stuff because say what you want about, there's no real quick

Donald Trump shit. I'll get in and out. Trust me. Look at your slip and your agenda. No, I'm not. You're not, you're not going to know where I'm going with this one. All right. But like, say what you want about him, but he's, he basically gets on stage and he roasts

the other people that he's debating. He just like insults them until they, they shrink into like a little pile. Have you ever been in touch with anybody that's like, Jeff, I want you to write some material for my debate against Donald Trump? And would you? You should. I have been asked that. Yes.

What'd you do? Bernie? I'm not going to say, but I have, I have done that kind of stuff. Oh, wow. Okay. Interesting. Political operative. Also, you were mean to Blake Griffin.

He's a good friend of ours. So fuck off. What a legend. Fuck off. What? It's a good friend of ours. I beat him. Yeah.

But he beat you in life. That's true. He beat us all in life. No, he's a good friend of ours. So we just, I just had to. He was a superstar, not just a professional athlete, a superstar is like, bring it. Yes. He is exactly, we roast him whenever he's on our show.

He's on our show. When did that happen? Ten times. Never. So funny. And he's actually funny. He's very, very funny. He's not athlete funny.

There's athlete funny. Then there's funny funny. Yeah. You mentioned Shaq before, right? Yeah. I did that Shaq roast a long time ago. That Emmett Smith roast that Shaq produced. Yeah.

And at rehearsal, this is the mark of a true champion. This is what I love when I see this. I was nervous. I didn't have the reputation I have now. You know, this is like 2001, right? Or two. Yeah. And I said Shaq, you know, I have a lot of really over the top jokes for the night.

This is a rehearsal. And I never would normally do this, but Shaq respect, you know, like he, he flew me out. He's producing this charity event. I go, you know, you and Emmett, like, it seems like you have a great sense of humor Shaq, but Emmett, is he going to be okay with, because I'm going to go in, man. I can't hold back. It's just, he goes, man, no one ever asked me to hold back on the court. I'm not going to ask you to hold back at a roast.

And he shook my hand, looked me in the eyes and I was like, man, I love this guy. Game on. Game on. Love it. Blake was the same way. Yeah. He is in that tradition of smack talk. But yeah, I also know when I'm kidding and playing and I can take it.

And I'm so fricking good. I'm so fricking good. Nothing hurts. Yep. There you go. Thanks for that. Jeff Ross, thank you so much. Thanks for having me guys.

Hope you had fun. Yes. Check out historical roasts on Netflix. Very funny. I haven't watched it, but very funny. We roast Muhammad Ali. You do? It's a goat roast.

He gets roasted by Bruce Lee and Babe Ruth. Oh, wow. I like that. Shit. It's a really cool show. Sports fans will love the Ali roast. Yeah. All right.

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Promo code PMT. Okay, let's get to some segments. First up, we have a not afraid to go there from Doug Gottlieb. Doug Gottlieb, he went there. He went there. Not afraid to. Doug Gottlieb went after our player, RJ Hampton, signed with our team, the New Zealand breakers. He tweeted RJ Hampton agreeing to sign in New Zealand a month ago and only telling colleges

this week about is about as classless as they come. I blame his parents, call the coaches, tell them your decision. They all would have wished him well and moved on. What a DB. I'm assuming that's not defensive back. Yeah, that's a douchebag maneuver. Yeah. Wow.

Doug got on words from Doug Gottlieb on that one. Yeah, classless. The main year olds make mistakes, but not anymore. Only like they, now RJ Hampton, he is a DB. We'll find out in 20 years when RJ grows up, if he has a successful career in the media, getting invited on Colin Coward's show once a month. At that point, we can judge whether or not he was classy as an 18 year old. This shit is so fucking stupid because every single coach in college athletics, pretty much.

There's a couple guys out there who, who, who are not like this, but almost every single coach is climbing the ladder, let it, cutting scholarships for more talented players, recruiting over their scholarship limit. That happens all the time though, like, Hey, end of the bench guy, you lose your scholarship because we found someone else for it. They will move on instantly. Jimbo Fisher literally quit on FSU because he knew he was going to Texas A&M. He didn't tell anyone that all these coaches are looking out for themselves.

All these coaches, they'll tell you one day I want to be here for life and then the next day they're fucking gone. But no, an 18 year old has to tell these colleges that basically control him because he would have gone in the draft. He was allowed to go to the draft that no, I'm actually going to go play for the New Zealand breakers. Poor Bill Self, poor coach K. How will they find another five star recruit?

I think the big takeaway here is he should have also let the journalists know beforehand. True. So like he didn't give us a heads up. He didn't give a fuck. Dude, he didn't even tell his owners. Yeah, we didn't know until 30 days after he signed. Yeah, so why should Bill Self know? Exactly.

Well, Doug Gottlieb should know I'm going to make a change in myself whenever I make a decision to eat lunch. I'm going to be like, hey, Doug, just letting you know I'm having potbelly for lunch. Could you let Chipotle, McDonald's, Subway, all these organizations know because they were all vying for my money and for my business. So just pass that along to them, let them know. But then RJ, today, now he's doing recruiting for us a little bit forward thing that he's doing.

He offered Lamello Ball, he said, come to New Zealand, bro. And Lamello Ball just tweeted back saying, I'm going to talk to my people, which I assume is us. Yeah, it's us. So I think Lamello is trying to get in touch with us. Yeah, that's this league for Australia. Yeah. That's not a league.

This is a league. One last thing about Doug Gottlieb, it's not a secret that Doug Gottlieb wants to be a college coach. Like he wanted the Oklahoma State job when it was available, I think it was last year, year before. He knows how this game is played. College coaches, college basketball coaches especially, are like the tightest fraternity out there.

Like you see like Jim Bayhine's only friend is Coach K. Like all these guys, they get together, they all like, you know, get along, they all have each other's backs. This is such a shameless move by Doug Gottlieb to basically be like, yeah, these players are out of control. Let me in your fraternity coaches. Fuck off. The real victim here is Kansas basketball. Yeah.

How will they get another five star? Never. And look, I like it. I want to go. That's a bucket list item to go see a game at Kansas. But when I had, when you have like a bunch of people agreeing with Doug Gottlieb that all have Lawrence, Kansas and their title in their, in their Twitter, you know, title, it's like, dude, you're just mad because you lost them, which I get.

And again, I do not begrudge coaches going up the ladder, but don't fucking tell me an 18 year old can't do the same thing. Fun little fact, whenever you see somebody doing the hat thing where they're picking which hat from the college they're going to go to, they don't know where they're going to go until the second they put that hat on their head. Yeah. So it's not like they couldn't have let anybody else know about it before that time. Yes.

So like on that hand, I kind of understand what Doug's saying. It's like it's tradition in this country to make these choices at the very last second. It's so stupid. I just can't stand when like adults are trying to basically control 18 year old kids and to call out his parents is like such a weird fucking move, dude. Just a weird, weird move. I don't know. And look, obviously I'm biased because he's our player.

Oh yeah. I think I'd have a similar reaction even if it was someone else because it's just a crazy move to call an 18 year old the douchebag for wanting to make a decision for himself. Yeah. And I don't really understand why Doug, if it's not for the coaching purposes, why Doug would be very upset about that. It's the coaching thing. It's got to be the only one.

He wants to ingratiate himself to the coaching fraternity. Consider it done. Yeah. Yeah. Everyone else out there, Coach K is looking at that and he's like that Doug Gottlieb. He knows what he's talking about. Or you can just. These kids are fucking out of control.

Get out there. Just whisper your choice into J. Billis's ear. So you told somebody. Yeah. And then he's not going to tell anyone else. Correct. Correct. By the way, Brad Calpari.

Yeah. We should put him on the radar too. He is. He's on our radar. He's on the transfer portal. I've indicated that we have preliminary interest in Brad Calpari. Just for like the swag. Just a reminder, next Thursday we're hosting Kentucky Sports Radio and to say everything

is falling into place perfectly between RJ Hampton and now Brad Calpari going into the transfer portal. It's going to be the best two hours we've done on that station. Yeah. We've only done six hours on the station. But it's going to be great. The best two. Save Metrics.

You have Save Metrics. Yeah. So this was sent by friend of the program, Ryan Winfield. He did a little number crunching. It's the offseason football. So he needed to kind of like get in the game a little bit. Had some time to kill recovering from a vasectomy. Hopefully the boys are good, Ryan.

He put together a spreadsheet. Wait, this was a vasectomy save metric? This is a vasectomy saver metrics. So he should have gotten it in March when all real guys do it. No, but there's a waiting list probably. That's true. It's too hot of a thing right now. So he put together a spreadsheet of over-unders by announcers in the NFL.

Who do you think out of all the major announcing teams? And I'm saying the ones that do 17 to 25 games a year, who do you think had the highest percentage of overs? Monday Night Crew. No. It was Charles Davis and Kevin Burkhardt. You said the fucking the main ones. Well, they do a game every weekend.

Oh, I know, but that's not the main game. I was okay. I'm not talking about Promo, Joe, Bob, Al or Monday Night. The ones that do like, let's say, that's not 12 to 20 games a year interpretation of that because there are a lot of B teams that that only come out for like one or two games. Right. Okay. Just tell me the main four.

Okay. So Al Michaels and Chris Collinsworth, they only hit the over 33% of the time. That's actually a friend of the program. Tom Fronelli always says Sunday Night Unders, Monday Night Over. Yeah, it's a little mind fuck. I always say that. Hank always says that. Edit that out.

Hank always says that. It's a mind fuck because you live to hear Al Michaels just say, and this one is over. Right. You know? And so every time he says that, you're like, oh, it must happen all the time. Only 33% for those guys. If you go down the list for Troy Aikman, 60% of the time. Okay.

With him and Joe Buck. Okay. Let's see what else we have here for, let's see, the worst one is Al Michaels and Chris Collinsworth. That's by far the worst one. Kevin Harlan, Rich Gannon only hit the over 35% of the time. So if you're looking to make money on the over go for Sam Rosen and Chris Carter, Kevin Burkhart and Charles Davis.

Just give us the main booths. Jim Nansen, Tony Romo, what do you think about them? I don't know, 53% only 35% of the time. Damn. I was right with the numbers. Yeah. Yeah. Very right.

Just completely wrong. Well, 53, 35. You were so wrong. You were exactly right. Yeah. The Monday night booth only 43% of the time. Oh. Hits the over.

Better than the Sunday though. But now that booger is up in the booth, that could all change. The dynamic switches there. It could all change. So yeah. That's just, it got me going. It got me thinking about football. How far back does it go?

It's just the season. Huge samples. Just the season. I thought this was like historical. No, it is historical. It is historical. But I thought it was like a 10-year sample size. He would have to get like seven vasectomies to do all that.

Well, if you have, if you have to get another vasectomy, next person get a vasectomy do 2017. Yeah. And let's keep going back and back and back. Let's get 10-year sample size. Then we'll compile it all. Yep. Someone set up a Google spreadsheet where we can put it all into.

All right. Thank you, Ryan. That's, I mean, that's a hilarious way to spend a vasectomy. Yeah. Just like, fuck. Well, I'm just going to dig deep into it. That's what guys that when we can't nut, we just start doing math. Right.

Right. Because it's the most distracting. It takes up all our time. Oh, I had a quick Tim Tebow update. Oh. You got struck out by a positional player. Okay. I don't care.

Like I said, I don't care. Bring him up. Sometimes you have to listen. You got gasped by a positional player. Do you see it? Tebow rises to the level of his competition. So it's, it doesn't surprise me that he would strike out against a bad pitcher. Last up, we had a bad visual for Scotty Pippington.

Because he's suing a five year old. Yeah. It's a tough look, but I read it and I actually agree with him. So essentially he, he has a property in Florida. He rented it out. The people trashed the house and part of the trashing of the house was someone took crayons to all the walls and it was most likely a five year old. So boom, you're getting sued.

I like that. I think twice before doing that again, you'll never learn. Yeah. You don't get sued by Scotty Pippington. Yeah. No, no tipping Pippington. Come on. I want to see like that five year old on the stand.

Do they do that for like six? Oh yeah. You fucking better believe it. Okay. Let's get that five year old on the stand. Yeah. Let's see her handwriting. Let's match her handwriting up against the wall.

Show me on this house where the crayon touched the wall. Yeah. Exactly. And just go do it and we'll match them up. Yeah. Scotty Pippington. Well, you don't get rich by not suing five year olds. Correct.

I mean, you have to sue everyone. Save every penny. I hope to someday be at a point where I can just start suing everyone. I would like to sue Riley Curry for not showing up in this post season facing the media. I'd agree. I'd agree. Front runner. If this is your first part of my take, you probably think I have a pretty big axe to

grind with Riley Curry. The number of times I brought her up. I was just going to say, you're right. You're absolutely right. I don't like the fact that she goes out there after a win and she gets a hot dog. It pulls the curtain and does all the cute shit. And then after a loss, she doesn't have to answer for her poor performance. Nope.

Nope. She's nowhere to be found. She's probably asleep. She's probably passed her bedtime. It's convenient that the game started at 10 30 at night. Jesus Christ. I can't believe that they start so late in Newfoundland. It started at 10.

Yeah. All right, Hank, FAQs. Let's finish up episode 500. What? Do you hear that noise? It's a bowling alley. We're upstairs and bowling alley subway, but the subway is not near here. Oh, yes, it is.

It's right. That is the subway. Okay. So we built the studio on top of a. Damn it. The studio. Somewhat operational subway. Sup PFT.

How many times have you cut your hair since the show debut? Zero. Whoa. Not even a trim? No, I have. I had to. I've had to trim it a couple times. Trim is fine.

I still consider myself not a native long hair person because I've only had long hair for the last six years, seven years, but I did grow up having long hair. So I don't know how to deal with it sometimes. And then I think a couple of inches is not like a cut. Once it gets down to the fourth nipple, that's when it's time to trim the split ends off a little bit. That's a good way to measure it. Hey, PMT, I've always wondered this.

Where are you guys on the corporate ladder of Barstool? Are you guys in charge of different departments at the company? Or just have to worry about PMT? Thanks. We're walking forward to every episode. Yeah, dude. We make all the fucking big, heavy, hitter decisions. We're walking under the corporate ladder holding a black cat, stepping on a broken mirror.

Here's a good example of what we do and do not know. We hired someone today and we didn't know until Dave tweeted it. Yeah. That's how it goes. We found out when everyone else did. Yeah, I would say not really. I mean, we work on the things we work on, but in terms of corporate meetings, I don't know. When we first got bought by Churn and they had me, Kevin, me and Kevin go out there.

Kevin and I? Kevin and I. Kevin and I go out to LA to meet them and they're like, yeah, this is just as much about you as it is about Dave and everything. And that was like three years ago. And that was that we don't, I don't get a text or anything from them ever. Yeah. The biggest corporate decision I make is which wing place to order from.

Yeah. Was there a particular show where Big Cat and PFT had major beef going into it? What were you two fighting about? I don't think so. No. We don't really have major beef. No. There's like, I think it's more, what happens is there's times of tension just of like tired

or being together for a very long time. Just the beef you hear plays out in the show. Yeah. True. Like I don't want to eat poop. Oh yeah, you said that you had to, but you bullied me into it. Oh, no, you got to eat poop. Okay, I'll eat poop.

I can't remember. I don't think we've ever gotten in like a big fight. It's more literally like you can tell when we have been working like too much and there's just, it's like frayed tension. It's like the hair has gotten to the fourth nipple time to cut it off. Yeah. The biggest, we've gotten some fights about really stupid shit. Like, should we get a full squat rack in the studio?

No, that would, that Hank fought us on that. Yeah, that was me and you versus him. Yeah. That always sucks for Hank when it's just me and PFT like shut up Hank, but he's usually right. Always. Mm hmm. Dambles, right?

Yeah. Let's get a convertible on this trip. That's what we fight about. Yeah. That's true. PFT wants to get a two seater for four people. Honest convertible shit again. Is the PMT crew iPhone guys or does one of you fuck up the group messages with?

No, never fuck up the group message. Mm hmm. Never. Although I'm a we phone guy. I saw our friend Mark Titus tweeting about that today because he is an Android user. It fucks me up. Everyone knows one or two Android users in their life, but he said he had a good point that he doesn't get included in group messages, which is actually awesome because what happens

when you're in a group message is you get out of something like you get out of a movie or you get out of like doing something, you look at your phone, there's 50 text messages. You think the world's on fire and it's two dudes debating something stupid. Mm hmm. Back and forth in a group text. Yeah. But we all are iPhone guys. Yeah.

We rock the iPhone. I need a new one, by the way. Someone remind me. Maybe she's got a case. Fuck you, dude. You think Steve Jobs wants you to put a fucking case on that thing? Yeah. It's like taking a shower with a raincoat on.

No, he doesn't. He wants you to break it so you have to get another one and you'll break that one. Well, mission accomplished. He did a great job. He made some slippers. You got me. Here's one for me. You know, remember Sporkel?

Yeah. If there was a Sporkel for 500 episodes of PMT. Wait, what's Sporkel? It was the quiz show? Yeah, it was just like lists. It would be like... Oh, yeah, the lists. It would just be 500 blank spaces.

But if you typed in like Ryan Whitney, it would fill in like however many, 10. How many of the 500 guests could you do? Whoa. Shit. Well, we haven't had 500 guests. No, if I had like 300 guests. That's what I'm saying. So if you're typing in it, it's 500 blank spaces, you type in Ryan Whitney and it fills in whatever.

15. All right. So we can't do all that. But here's the question for you guys. How many out of 500? Oh, I could probably get, I could probably get... I could probably get like 80% of the unique guests. I'd probably get 80%.

I would be less than that, I think. Here's a good question. Who has appeared as a guest the most on part of my take? What's your guys' guess? Florio. Florio would be a good guess. Whitney. Whitney's up there.

Whitney. Mr. Portnoy. Florio. Chris Long has been Blake Griffin. Portals. Portals. Titus. There's a few that we've had on like probably about seven or eight times.

Florio Whitney, I would probably guess. Florio Whitney are probably up there. Significantly ahead. Yeah. Probably Florio. Stacey King. He hung up on me because I asked him. About Scottie Pippin's take.

He didn't want to get sued. Yeah, he didn't want to. Yeah, I said it was a true skype. He had a bigger dick than MJ. All right. And then people... Oh, and is there anyone... This will be the last one.

Is there anyone other than Dak Prescott or Dan Marino who gave a shitty interview you would want to run it back with? Oh, I wouldn't want to run it back with either of them. Yeah. Like... Maybe Dak face to face. Fuck no. He's fucked us over twice.

We're not... We're not a Dak podcast. Who have we screwed up that we would like to run it back? I don't think so. I mean, there's obviously interviews where we know we like... Mike Dick... Crushed it. Mike Dick because Hank forgot the batteries and we...

What happened? The audio was just when we stopped recording it fucked up. Why did we stop recording? No, we didn't realize until after we recorded that it was fucked. Oh. We couldn't go back. God, okay. Why was it fucked up?

Because when we stopped recording, the recording just didn't show up. Got it. Okay. That was early on. That was in his... We showed up to Dicca's steakhouse. We like walked in. We're like, hey, we're here because I remember how that happened.

Instead of recording on a recorder with four recorders, I had two separate two channel recorders. Yeah. But remember how that happened? How ridiculous that interview was. That was early on. Loud Sean gave us the like the NFL Black Book and Dicca's phone number was in there. I just took it, called them and I was like, hey, coach, huge fan.

We love to interview for our podcast part of my take. We're going to be in Chicago. He's like, all right, come to my restaurant at six o'clock Wednesday night. We showed up and we're like, hey, we're here to interview coach. He's like, he's upstairs where he always is. And we just show up and we're like, hey, coach, we're here for the podcast interview. He's like, okay, fine. And he's like, sit down.

And we just sat down next to like them busing tables and he's like, all right, go. You were wearing your shirt with his face on it and he was like, I'm not getting paid for that. Yeah. Yeah. Well, the first time I showed him my shirts, he farted on me. So that was back. Kato Kalen.

I'm like, oh, Kato Kalen. Like a review on Kato. Screlly. Yeah. Maybe tell him, hey, dude, you're going to jail. I think I did tell him that. Yeah. I think we did tell him that, but it's been wild.

I don't know. I mean, it would be fun to go back through the whole list. Someone make a sporkle for us. Can someone do that, please? And also count the announcers. Someone start with 2018, please. 17, 17. Right?

Yeah. We'll do 2017 first. Yeah. And then get your other ball cut off in 2016. All right. That's our show. All right. Yes.

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