Pardon My Take - Comedian Jimmy Carr + Odell Beckham Traded

Episode Date: March 13, 2019

Odell Beckham traded to the Browns, we taped an emergency segment at the start of the show (2:50 - 8:30). NFL Free Agency recap (8:30 - 17:49). NCAA scandal and breaking news rich people are paying for their rich kids to get into college (17:49 - 26:39) . Hot Seat/Cool Throne (26:29 - 38:50). Comedian Jimmy Carr joins the show to talk about the history of comedy, his new netflix special, and being British (38:50 - 69:49). Segments include "How horny is Stephen A Smith?", Locker Room Talk for Russ Westbrook, bachelor talk for guys that don't watch the bachelor, PR 101 for Conor McGregor, and Guys on Chicks. You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/PardonMyTake

Hey, pardon my take listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen, ad-free, on Amazon Music. On today's Pardon My Take, we have the very funny British Jimmy Carr. He is one of the hottest comedians in Bre, and he's over here, states he's got a new Netflix special. Actually like a super interesting conversation about the evolution and history of comedy and laughing, and we learned, we got to learn on.

We also have Free Agency, we have the NCAA scandal, Hot Seat Cool Throne, and because it is Wednesday, guys on chicks. Before we get to all that, Bud Light is keeping it real and changing the game by being transparent and putting in ingredients label on their packaging, brewed with barley, hops, water and rice, no corn syrup, no preservatives, no artificial flavors. Who else is keeping it real this week? That's right. Bud Light goes with March Madness.

We have a couple of things going on, so first of all, Bud Light Busters. We've done it the last couple of years, it's actually awesome. Everyone in the office gets to pick a team 9 through 16 seated, and if they get to the second weekend, they win a free trip to Vegas, so we basically all get to pick a team and root for a team. Bud Light Busters, hashtag Bud Light Busters. I won last year, it was amazing. Hank won, what team did you have?

You got to go to Vegas, right? I went to Florida State. That's right, Florida State. Okay, so it's going to be fun, we're going to do that again. Also, just drinking Bud Lights while you're watching College of Basketball, there's nothing better in the world. Remember, guys, you got to be 21 plus to drink a nice cold Bud Light, but if you are 21 plus, there's nothing better than March Madness, there's nothing better than College of Basketball

in March, and there's nothing better than enjoying all of that with a nice, cold, refreshing Bud Light. Damn, just thinking about that made me, it's fucking beautiful, we're here in March. Okay, let's go. Welcome to part of my take presented by our YouTube channel, go subscribe right now, it is growing fast, so you want to get in, be one of those people who like, hey, I was subscribing to the YouTube channel back when it was 35,000 people, because we're going to get 100,000 by the end of the year, I promise that.

Club 35K, you want to be in there? Today is Wednesday, March 13th. Okay, emergency breaking news, we will get to the real show, but we taped around five o'clock, and since then, Odell Beckham has been traded, so we're back in the studio. Like I said, we're going to start with the, once you hear us saying happy new year, that's the real show that we taped, but Odell Beckham has been traded, biggest winner by far is Baker Mayfield followed by Jake Laser. Oh, I was going to say Blake Bortles, the Browns finally got a weapon for him when he

eventually signed to the Browns. Okay. Because Odell Beckham, he loves boats. Okay, so here's what I don't understand. What the fuck are giants doing? So that the one note that I made is what the hell, what the hell, New York giants, they are, what the hell are you doing? You, okay, you had the opportunity to cut bait, essentially with Odell and move them

for basically nothing last year. Now you're paying what, like 13 million in, in dead money this year. What did you do? What, what the hell? They are just, what the hell? They're tanking a year too late from what they, like last year, they should have, like you said, not get, you know, not given, how much did Odell have left on his contract? Not a lot, but the thing is like, it could trade them.

They cut, they could have traded them. They, if you flash, if you flash backwards and listen to our show when they get the extension done with Odell, we were just kind of like, eh, I guess you, you kind of have to, you kind of have to, but we're not excited about it. It was not a great idea, especially if you're just going to move on from them after what, 16 games. But the, none of these moves like make, unless they take a quarterback, unless they, unless this was a master plan to somehow trade up and get Kyler Murray, none of these made sense. Because last year you could have gotten a quarterback with the number two pick.

You took a running back, you re-signed Odell, you trotted out Eli Manning's corpse. You then didn't lose enough to be the number one pick this year and get Kyler Murray. So then you had to trade Odell Beckham to then get the picks so that you could then trade up for the number one pick that you could have had if you had just lost, like done what everyone said, just lose. Yeah. No, it's, it's a very weird situation that Gettelman has put them in. And I don't know what he's doing. Maybe he's in love with Jabril Peppers.

He's a great tweener. Yeah. He's a pretty good tweener. So there was a little Heisman talk for him for like that one week. There was. So I don't, what the hell? What the hell, John, more than anything, this just proves Archie Manning, Shadow Commissioner, Shadow Commissioner, you came, you came at Eli and you missed.

Right. And so Archie's like, your ass is out of town. Well, and you know what this means too, because Eli will be trotted out next year. And they can basically say, well, he has no weapons. That's true. So we need to get, we need to reload the weapons before we can see if we don't know if this is over the hill. Yeah. So when the Giants go one and 15, we don't, you can't put that all on Eli.

So I actually like, in a weird way, as much as we're saying what the hell the Giants, because nothing they did in the past year has made sense, they actually are kind of starting to make sense in the fact that they didn't, you know, they're, they seem like they're tanking now. They seem like they are going to lose. But then again, they got Saquon Barkley, who's going to be ruined by just being on terrible teams every year. And are they going to trade the pick? I don't know.

Either way, Baker Mayfield, like it's going to be so awesome that he has. And he's got Jarvis Landry and Odell reuniting. Oh, yeah, it's pretty great. Also, they might, they might win nine games like they did LSU. No, they won eight games. I don't know. Well, they should have won a lot more. They should have won a lot more games.

Future MVP. Yes. You want to hear a fire nickname? Yeah. For Odell now? Yeah. All right. This is credit to Nick.

Nick just gave it to us out there. So he's number 13, right? Mm hmm. Baker's dozen. Ooh, that's perfect. It's pretty good, right? Swam, come out of retirement. Also, I got a DM forwarded to me.

So I don't, so my dog has an Instagram account that I don't run. I outsource that shit. Leroy got a tip. I'm not sure if I'm ready to run with it yet, but Leroy is running with it. So this is per Leroy, the dog 69 at Instagram. Yeah. In the DMs, the Browns are going to go after Eric Berry next. Well, reload at safety.

So when that happens, I don't want credit. Do not credit part of my take. Yeah. Credit my dog for breaking that news. Who better to have inside sources than a dog for a dog? Well, also the Browns, their, their mask got a swagger. Yeah. The Mastiff, Leroy's a Mastiff.

No, it's a, it's a, it's a lab. No, no, you're, no, you're thinking about the chocolate lab. Oh, they're watching around. What's his name? Uh, Moose. Moose. Yeah. No, Swagger, Swagger is the official team.

Yeah. He's a Mastiff. Leroy's a Mastiff. These guys talk. These things. They're very close. So as the Browns, the Browns are the best team in the AFC. North.

Yeah. They are the best team in the AFC North. The best. The Ravens, the Ravens watched, uh, part of their defense walk out. The Steelers watched their running back in wide receiver walk out. And the Bengals are the Bengals. The Browns are going to win the AFC North. Yes.

They are America's team. Holy shit. I'm very, very excited about it. And of course, if you're listening to this and you're a Cleveland Browns fan, you will eventually, everyone will turn on you once you have success. Fact. Cause that's how it works. Fact.

Yeah. Well, I feel like the Browns have a longer leash than just about any other team in the world. True. True. I'm, well, the Cubs had a pretty long leash to everyone burns it out. Every warrior is like everyone burns it up, but enjoy it for now. Browns fans.

This is going to be awesome. Uh, and to wrap it all up, Jay Glazer, you're right. Jay Glazer needs to, everyone needs to pat Jay Glazer and be like, dude, you called it, you took a lot of shit for it, but you were absolutely right. And he did it with a missing tooth too. And he did it with a missing tooth. All right. Here is the rest of the episode after the emergency.

Today is Wednesday, March 13th. Happy new year. Happy new year to all you guys. Happy new year. Yes. That's right. Hank, it's the start of the NFL league year today. And midnight.

Do you have any new year's resolutions? Mine is to watch more football. Yeah. Mine is to also watch more football. AF. We said football, football, we said football. Trent Richardson, when he, I'm only watching Trent Richardson on the field. Yes.

And Christian Hackenberg. Oh, of course. Uh, so the NFL free agency has begun. It's kind of weird because you have that tampering period starts on Sunday night. And then free agency starts on Wednesday, but we basically know where everyone's signing, except Levi on Bell. Well, he is, this is going to come out Wednesday morning or Tuesday night. So I'm just going to cover my bases.

He signed with the Jets at midnight to promote his new album. And then, and then went back on it and signed with the Ravens. And then maybe also the Bears. I was going to say, we should each, we should, we should, okay. I'll say, we should say one team. I'm taking, I'm taking Jets. You say the Bears. I'll take, yeah.

I'll take the Bears. Okay. So those are the three teams that are hot on his trail. I just can't imagine the Ravens signing, like given their history and, and what they do with running backs there. Well, it, here's what I don't understand about the Ravens going after Levi on Bell, Levi on Bell. Obviously top run, one of the top running backs in the league, weird to

assess a guy who didn't play for an entire season, but he was really, really good the last time, but isn't the whole point of Lamar Jackson that you can basically fill in like a random guy, because you already have a running game. Yeah. Even when the Ravens had Joe Flacco, who is the exact opposite of Lamar Jackson, they would just like take a guy from a bus stop and go, you carry the rock. So I think it's going to be the Jets, although the Jets, Denny Woodhead, who

was very much a superstar impact free agent. So yes, the Jets did, uh, they, they, they kind of reversed it. They must be reading art of the deal as well. They gave Levi on Bell a deadline. They reversed the Jets, which had a Boeing 737. Yeah, not a good week, but the, uh, Jets thinking that they are in a spot where they can put deadlines on, on like superstar running backs is a wild world to live in, but I kind of like it.

Cause now leaving on Bell's like, wait, shit, the Jets must have other options here. I do respect the move because just saying like, you're on a deadline sounds badass. Yeah. It is pretty sweet. If you've never put a deadline on somebody, do it. You feel like you're the man. Even though like, I'm sure Levy on could just totally ignore that and a week

from now would be like, yeah, you know what, I'll take your offer. Yeah. Um, it is kind of cool just to put your name out there in the news that the Jets are going like on a power trip. That's pretty cool. This also might have been a knee jerk reaction from Anthony Barr signing with the Jets and then being like, whoops, I don't want to sign with the Jets. And then going back to the Vikings.

Yeah. So a few things I've, I've gotten a few tips. I've got my ear to the ground in league circles. Slug. I've heard. No, this is not slug. This is a legit source that says that, uh, they got spooked. The Jets were the ones who got spooked.

So this might be the Jets legit. This might also be the Jets putting this out to sound badass, but that they were the ones who were like, you know what, we were going to bring back our offer a little bit because we need to allocate more cash to Levy on Bell and then Barr felt disrespected. And also the word on the street is that Barr got sick last night after he signed with the Jets, he contracted Jetsism. His body just rejected it.

It's a natural reaction. Like if you look on web MD and you Google like, uh, I'm shitting everywhere and my mouth is dry and I've got body aches. The first thing that comes up is like, did you just sign a contract with a New York Jets and Josh McCown won't let me masturbate it out. Yeah, that's a tough one. Yeah. How else are you supposed to get rid of the illness if you can't spew it anymore?

Um, but then also we've got, uh, the Detroit lions pretending to be the Patriots, like five years from now Patriots. So they're picking up all the scraps from them. So they got Danny Amondola and who else? Amondola, Trey Flowers and, uh, Coleman, I believe. And then you've got the bills trying to be the pre-patriots signing Cole Beasley, before Belichick has a chance to nice. And then, uh, the other big news, the Jacksonville Jaguars made the biggest

mistake in franchise history. I've put a curse on them, not counting Doug Morone, because I like Doug Morone. So he does not, he, he's not part of the curse. So if he coaches unbelievably, then they can overcome the curse. Can I add a couple of people to this? People that, that we're not cursing on that team. Um, I like Jalen Ramsey talking shit. Okay.

I don't want that to stop. So I don't want you to curse this shit talking. Uh, I like Shad Khan. Leonard Farnette actually came out in, in defensive play. So we don't curse on him. Like, even though he said that Blake had stinky breath earlier, all is forgiven. And I liked a PR team. Okay.

So basically we're just, we're just cursing Nick Foles because Nick Foles, you should not have done that, that you can't, you, it's like filling the shoes of Elway in Denver. They're always looking for a quarterback. You can't fill the shoes of Blake Bortles and Jacksonville. So, uh, I've, I've spoken with Blake. He's doing well. He said that he looked up the Wikipedia for free agency.

So he's, uh, abreast to all the things that are coming to him. And, uh, so that was the other big one. Where do you guys want to look at the land? I created a list. Let's power rank our desired landing spots for Blake. Number one, for me, I got to go Cleveland cause I want an excuse to root for the Browns next year. I was going to say the giants or the jets have to be top for me just so that we

can, like he can hang out with us all the time. Yeah. New York, just any New York team was in my top five. Um, Green Bay would be excellent. You can get a ring, maybe they're back up. Aaron Rogers come in, beat the bears, maybe in week 17, when it's garbage time for them, uh, that'd be very, very cool to see that on the list. But I pointed out to Hank earlier, the, him being on the Patriots would be bad

for the show because I don't know if he would ever be able to come on. So let's throw that out. Okay. Let's think about the show over everything. The Eagles. Do you mention the Eagles yesterday? I'm coming around to that, that's cool thought because, uh, how about this? He's the first bald eagle.

Ooh, I like that. Also hashtag bald eagle. That's his new nickname. They can't cut him because he's a rare bird and you can't do that. And he would place his wings, Carson Wentz would get hurt and then he would win a Super Bowl for the Eagles and he lived, he would live like an hour and a half away. That's pretty cool.

I like that. I'm all in on Philly bald. Eagles, uh, amazing nickname. Yeah. I was going to say the bears, but, uh, the bears signed a huge free agent signing with Chase Daniel coming back. Yeah. So that's, that's off the list.

Um, New Orleans, I think would be cool for Blake too. Teddy Rogers, waters back there. Yeah, that's probably not going to happen anymore. Chargers, any, any LA team. Okay. I'd be okay with him and golf on the same team. That would be fun. That would actually be the coolest quarterback room in the NFL.

Right. Well, we, it'd just be like, yeah, it'd just be us hanging out with them. Um, so what are the free agent? Oh, we had, so the Packers have loaded up on defense. The Adrian Amos is officially a trader. Uh, he got signed from the bears to the Packers. Uh, we had Tyrone Matthew sign with the chiefs. I like that.

How old do you think he is? The honey badger. Yeah. Uh, 30, 29, 26, crazy. He's been around for so long and he was young at LSU. Then when I saw that, I was like, holy shit, like it's his third team. But when, when I saw him get signed, I was like, oh, this is his last stop in his career. He's fucking 26.

I saw his stat. I forget who tweeted out. I don't have it in front of me, but it broke down the different positions that he played by snap last year. He played like nine different positions. Yeah. He's awesome. Yeah, I love the honey badger.

He's one of those guys where, um, he might not, so they're paying him a lot of money. I want to make sure they're paying him a shitload of money and he's not like, uh, number one at any of those positions that he plays, but the mentality he brings to your secondary, you got to switch something up because you have to be able to scare Tom Brady. Yeah. I think the honey badger is a guy that could scare Tom Brady. Okay. You, you, you survived that.

I don't even know why I was saying careful. Do you want to say a good thing? Like if I sense, if my spidey sense tells me that you're going down a problematic road, I'll just, I'll just like guard you for a little bit. Just remember when you almost told Adam Schefter the things that you, that you, that pissed you off. Hey Twitter, that was bad when people like would get under your skin on magic words. Yeah, that would be bad.

What do you think about Mike Davis, big cat? Uh, fine. Seattle, he came from Seattle to Chicago. He gets his payday. He's, well, he was like, uh, he, he basically was getting paid nothing. So I'm, I always love when guys get like a first taste of the money. I don't know if he's much more talented than Jordan Howard, but he's shown an ability to catch football, which makes him a better fit.

So where are you reading more than Howard in 2019? So whatever. Yeah, whatever. Who's, who wrote that? Hey, oh, I know who wrote that a certain college football writer. That's a close friend of the show, but it was actually Hank's thoughts. Oh, it was Hank's thoughts bleep that name out. It was Hank's thoughts.

That's a good take. Hey, great take. I like that great take. You're really blossomed. I love what Ryan Pace is doing because he's basically just doing like what I do in a daily life, just future problems. He restructured Cleal Mack. He basically, everything is going to come falling down on the bears in two years,

but that's a future problem. We'll figure it out when we get, hopefully the cap will go up. Yeah. Cap goes up and all your problems are solved. Yeah. Uh, and then the, the R words gave Landon Collins, how much money? Good deal. How much money?

Uh, a lot. Yeah. A shitload. They backed up the Brinkstruck. That's okay though, because you always have to pay extra for a guy who's in the division. He knows the division. Yeah.

That will, that's actually a good point. He's going to be extra motivated and then they signed two times a year. They signed the Giants to replace him, signed Bethea. How do you say his name? Bethea. You got it. Yep. Bethea, as first reported by Reggie Wayne.

So Reggie, look out Rob Lowe. Reggie Wayne is coming for your ass in terms of Indianapolis breaking news. Yes. So, uh, we'll update. Obviously on Friday we'll have more clarity, but happy new year to everyone. Free agency is going. I just made a note. I don't know what, this is a sleep note, a sleep idea that I jotted down.

And you ever do that where you wake up in the morning and you look at something that you wrote down. I think Seinfeld had an episode about that or something. Okay. And he was, I just said Marie Kondo should be a general manager. Just clean up everything and just throw away everything that does not spark joy. I don't, I don't hate that. It'd be, it'd be better than the Redskins have been in the last two decades.

Just toss all the trash out. Yeah. To have her. Yeah. I like that. Be very empty building. The other big story we had is rich people getting their rich kids into colleges. So the NCAA got a big time story broke where Aunt Becky from full house and

who's the other person, Felicity Huffman, Felicity Huffman from Desperate Housewives and Sports Night, married to William H. Macy, who doesn't, for some reason, isn't named any of this. So he was named as spouse. Okay. Nice. So essentially what happened is, uh, this is big time cocking. Isn't it?

If you're, if you're a husband and involved in some sort of fraud scheme and you're only named as spouse, well, it wasn't that means he just didn't care where the shithole shithead kids went. No, he was involved though. He like authorized payments and stuff. But for some reason she's the ringleader. Yeah. And as of now, as of press time, Aunt Becky is still on the run.

Ooh, Felicity has been apprehended Aunt Becky. She might be running away down to Mexico. Yeah. She might not come back. So essentially the story, it's, it's a hilarious story. Of course, with every story that hits the internet, we also have the pendulum swinging back where everyone's like, this just shows how unfair it is. Well, guess what?

That's like, this is a story that is the most common sense story ever. It's rich people paying for their rich, shitty kids to get into college, not based on their merit. Yeah. It's, it's exactly what I thought was going on. What is the point of getting rich if you can't bribe people? Yeah. So that's the only reason to get rich.

So the story is this guy out in California, Rick Singer, William Rick Singer, he had an unbelievable setup going. He basically, he owned like a SAT center and he had a guy who you could name the score. The guy could literally give you any score. He, that's how smart he was. 1600, you want it? Boom, done. 1100, boom, done.

And so they would have, I don't know, I mean, try to get them off the, you know, maybe, maybe you don't really love, listen, everybody knows what a dumb ass this guy is, no one's going to believe that he got a 1200. Right. So he was taking the test for these kids. Sometimes the kids didn't even know, which is how, how much does that suck? If you're one of these kids and you see this story and you're like, wait, I didn't get a 15, 20, huh?

And you had your suspicions though. Yeah, right. Right. If, like, you grew up with a wet jumper and your milkman used to play in the NBA. Right. And, and, or your five, five, and you're getting scouted at USC for, for a basketball scholarship, you probably had your, your suspicions because that was actually one of the stories.

And so he would do the SAT test. Hank didn't understand that the, the old trope of like the milk, the milkman was fucked. Yeah. What a lot of former basketball players don't have money. There's some plot holes in that, in that story. Okay. Well, I'll, I'll encourage you to write me an essay on it, Hank, and I'll, I

will review my social media policy. Yeah. So, uh, he would take the SATs, then he would also get a lot of these kids on fake scholarships, like basically get recruited to be walk-on. So they wouldn't get athletic scholarships, but they get recruited like rowing basketball. And so there were coaches involved. There were people in the, in the schools involved. And eventually it just comes down to, like we said, rich people getting their rich

kids into school, which I don't, here's what I don't understand from this story. Can't you just donate money? Well, that's the thing is somebody said, uh, they didn't go about this the proper way. They didn't buy a building or fund a new department. They just gave the money. Right. And I, I would rather have the money. If I'm the school, then like have to go through the process of building a building

and filling it with other rich kids, shithead children. The other thing I don't understand with this story is if you have like a fail son or a fail daughter, a kid who's just an idiot and he's, you know, he or she has grown up rich and, and doesn't, you know, doesn't have smarts. Also kind of a shithead sending them to school for four years. This isn't going to fix that. They're going to come out even probably shittier. Well, the thing is, especially USC, they're just going to do

coke all for four years and then come out and be like, I love life. That's a good point. So, uh, Aunt Becky's daughter, she goes by OJ. That's kind of cute. Goes to USC. Nice. Uh, she said this was in a YouTube video. So she's a YouTuber.

First of all, she's entrepreneur, perfect, uh, self made shithead. She says, I don't know how much of school I'm going to attend. But I'm going to go in and talk to my deans and everyone and hope I can try and balance it all. But I do want the experience of like game days, partying. I don't really care about school as you guys all know. I kind of like her honesty. Yeah.

I mean, listen, you just go be a shithead at USC. They should make USC give away all their fake. What, what team did you play on? She was a Cox one. So she was the guy, the person who yells at the rowing team. Yeah. It gets in the front of the boat. That's actually a great job for a loudmouth to have.

Yes. A loudmouth, no talent. Um, just a nag, just team nag. Yeah. She could YouTube it. I do like that. Vlog it. Now what I'm, what I'm really waiting for is to see some of the

photo shops come out because along with these college admission packets that they sent in to try to get their kids recruited, they had to Photoshop pictures of their children onto more athletic bodies of other people playing the sports that they were getting refused for. So they're like, they're going to be pictures of water polo kids. Like that just don't look right. I'd need to see some of these photo shops. It's, uh, it's such a, like I said, there's people who are obviously like,

this is, this story is terrible because it's basically showing that, you know, privileged people are, are gaming the system. Well, guess what? If you woke up on Tuesday, March 12th, and you didn't think this happening before this story, I don't know where, I don't know where you're living. Like I just assume every rich person can get their kid into any university they want,

but it's great seeing that they had to pay upwards of $6 million. Like their kid was so dumb that they had to buy like a, a brand new campus for the school to get their kid in. That is a real, that's like a badge of honor for a shithead to be that dumb. Right. And they're also, there also was a ricochet shot against Arizona state. Did you see that?

I think it was Aunt Becky was like, uh, I want her to go to, uh, so, uh, USC or basically get into anywhere, but Arizona state. There was also another one that listed, it listed all the schools that were involved and said, um, USC in elite university, uh, Georgetown and elite university, university of San Diego, a very good university, a university, university of Texas and elite university. It was pretty hilarious to see that on there. Colleges rigged.

It's all so stupid on a real note. The, I think the worst part about this, and it reinforces something that I think a lot of people already know is that if you're rich, you are the last person who needs a college degree. Yeah. And somebody who's very poor that would find value in having, no, they left out people who were like that, that part of the story does suck. But again, it's like, this is just kind of the system's always broken.

Right? Yeah. The system's been broken from day one. Funny that, that bias cat glossed over a very important part of the story about William Singer, the guy, what'd you call him? His name is William Rick Singer. But what'd you call him? You called him, you said a bunch of other stuff.

William Rick Singer. I think you said like the William H Macy. No, no, that the guy that was in charge of it. You use some choice phrases to describe him. Uh, turns out he's also a partial owner of Swansea football club. Oh, nice. And he has to forfeit his investment. So you are implicated in this as well.

That's fine. If I, if, listen, if I have to forfeit my investment and get paid back, I will do that right now. Also badass name for the sting that the FBI put on it. It's called Operation Varsity Blues. That's pretty sweet, huh? At what point do they go in the strip club and come out and when it's daylight, like, oh man, I give it a tan.

That's fucking great. That is, that was the landing strip. I just want to also say we will accept bribes. If you, if you are a rich person with a shithead child, we will accept bribes to put your kid on part of my take. Dude, we should start. It is almost intern season and we should also just start a college. Like if this is going on, let's just start a college.

If you, all you care about the game days and you know, the, you know, we can do a tailgate PMT you, we can watch all the games. We won't have a team, but we can watch all the other teams and you can just pay us $50,000 a year and we will deliver you a slightly older rich shithead. Yeah. Any 90s sitcom mom, let us know. Fran Dreschner, uh, Helen Haunt, both Aunt Vives from Fresh Prince. If you have a dumb ass kid, bring them on the show.

Bring them on the show. Uh, all right, let's do hot seat, cool throne. Hank, why don't you start? Why don't you start? No, why don't you start? Why don't you start, Hank? I agree with Hank. Why don't you start?

Hank, you start. Not too, two versus one. Bubba, who do you think should start? I'm going to have a big start. All right, Hank, you do your cool throne. I'll do my hot seat. Oh, my cool throne is brackets. I just made him start.

I told you guys I've been reading art of the deal. That was too easy. Okay, go ahead. My cool throne is brackets. Okay. Yeah, go on. That's it. That's it.

No, yeah, I'm done. No, come on. Go on to it. What about brackets? They're all coming out now. Hank is trying to act like he did. He just didn't just do his cool throne. He's been reading art of the deal.

Uh, what about brackets? Are we going to create a bracket this year? There are just tons of brackets out there. Yeah. Didn't we make a bracket of other brackets last year? We made a bracket of people most likely to. To reach the bracket. Which was genius by us.

Um, we should do that again. Although we got yelled at, I think. Yeah, we did. Yeah, yeah, yeah, but we'll do that again. But we'll probably get yelled at again. Whatever. Uh, what's your hot seat? Mitt Romney.

Let's see. I did it again. Like that was the easiest thing I've ever done. Come on. Fucking art of the deal right in your face. Mitt Romney, what about him? He blows his candles out like a psychopath. He does one by one.

He eats him one at a time or blows him out one at a time. Yeah. I bet you he also eats the candles. He probably bites into each one to see maybe this is a candy one. Okay. It's wax. I'm going to do something I don't really want to do. I'm going to go in defense of Mitt Romney.

And did you notice when he was blowing him out, he said, I'm getting a wish each time. So he kind of life hacked birthday cakes and he got like 15 wishes instead of one. Now I took a look at his birthday cake. It looked like it was just a bunch of Twinkies, but they would, they looked like they were homemade Twinkies, which that's a rich person to do right there. And instead of like buying a keg, just put in the time making individual homemade

Twinkies also his office sucked. It was bad. That was a terrible good prison cell. Dude, I know that you're Senator, Senator right now. Governor. Yeah, Senator. Governor, I think he's governor. I think he's Senator.

Is he? Yeah. Okay. Whatever you are, Mitt, you're rich. Like I know you're in politics, but you're rich, dude. What are you doing in that shitty office? I think Trump made him take all the cool shit out. Must be Trump owns Mitt Romney ever since that dinner that they went to neutered him.

Yeah. Yeah. All right. PFT. What do you got? You go ahead. Okay. That's fine.

Hank, you okay? I'm fine. All right. Yeah. All right. Great. What is Mitt Romney? He's Senator.

He's a Senator. Okay. So I thought maybe it was in his office is in DC then. So that's a shitty office in DC. He probably has two offices. Well, I hope one of them is better than that one DC and one, uh, next all his wives. All right. So I got hot seats, the Warriors, the Warriors are on the hot seat because the

Warriors are breaking up. We kind of dropped the ball. Remember we were like focused on trying to break up the Warriors and then LeBron became an alcoholic when we kind of shifted our attention, but it sounds like we just did. We kind of did. So, uh, Steve Kerr is sick of Draymond shit. Now I don't know if that was actually what he was talking about, but it's

clear the Warriors have, I feel like this is it. This is it. This is the end. Don't you? Yeah, it feels right. It feels right. Well, let's, let's be honest, uh, Kevin Durant is absolutely already thinking about his next destination right now.

Draymond knows that Katie is thinking about his next destination. They run into one little speed bump in the playoffs called Boogie cousins. Can't, can't guard a pick and roll. Exactly. They didn't, you know what they need. They need to get Spencer Hawes on the team. He hit four, five, he had five, three pointers last night. Perfect.

Get him on the team. He can stretch that, that defense out. And there we go. That's our second mention of Spencer Hawes this week. Anyways, shout out Spencer. They're at the very first sign of adversity. They're going to implode on each other. Good job guys.

I feel like Katie and Boogie and yeah, it's like, you can't add one more crazy. Like Boogie is crazy. Draymond's already the crazy guy. Who's going to out crazy the crazy guy? Yeah. Boogie cousins is it's like adding Poochie to it. She's scratchy.

Yeah. That was a great show. Hank, you okay? Okay. I just want to make sure I just checking in to make sure. Uh, all right. My cool throne, I got two. The first one is Urban Meyers health.

So Urban Meyer is going to work for Fox's next year doing, uh, I think their game day stuff and seems like he's healthy. Good for him. Good for him. So he's doing the pregame on Saturdays, right? They're launching a competitor to game day out. I think they're going out to Southern California. I think it's taped there.

So he's going to get maybe a feel for the palm trees and, uh, that whole life and then, oh, look at that. A fucking idiot. Coaches USC right now. That's interesting. Interesting. Very interesting. Uh, this is perfect though, because it's just the Urban

Meyer, like playbook, he's going to do media for a year. And they'll be like, I hate this so much because it means that he has to talk and smile, two things he's not capable of doing. And then he's going to go back and coach. He's also not going to be able to do the job of, of reaching out to coaches and asking them questions about their teams. And no coach is going to tell them, right? Because we're like, Mitt, we know, or not, uh, they're just going to be like,

we know that you're joining the pack 12 next year. Right. And he does look like Mitt Romney. Doesn't he? He does a little bit. Yeah. Football. He did this though the last time he went to ESPN, he hated it.

Like everyone wrote about it, talked about it. Urban Meyer does not like doing media and he's just going to do it again. And then boom, USC next head coach or Notre Dame. Uh, all right, my other cool throne is tampering because tampering is not cool anymore when James Dolan doesn't. So James Dolan, uh, said on radio that players and their agents have told Nick's, they want to come to New York, says Nick's young players won't be team centerpieces next year.

I can tell you from what we've heard, I think we're going to have a successful off season when it comes to free agents. So tampering is now on the cool throne because if it's like so easy, an idiot can do it, so easy, a caveman can do it. If James Dolan can tamper tampering is not cool anymore. Agreed. Yeah. Also, I don't even know if this can be considered tampering because James

Dolan is just lying. Right. He's saying that there are many people that have reached out to him. Right. It's a Greg Williams. It sounds like he read out of the deal. Yeah, he did. So he, James Dolan, I don't know.

You just made tampering, uh, not cool and also not a thing anymore because if you can do it, everyone, it's like Ravel using 69 jokes. It's over. Just killed it. Just to pack it up, pack it in. Let's go home. All right. 50.

My hot seat is the coach ability of dogs. So there was a fun little story out of the Iditarod. Um, the French dog sled team that was in first place quit very unlike France. Okay. Uh, but yeah, they had to wave the white flag and the French dog sled team quit. Because the musher, is that what you call the guy that drives the dog? So the musher yelled at the dogs and then the dogs refused to pull the sled. I fucking love it.

Yeah. Dogs always know. That's right. First to me first. It is under the new CBA. These dogs just don't, they don't have enough team focus like they used to. Did the dogs have a year and a half left on their contract? They probably did.

Yeah. Hungry dogs run. I want out. I want out. I want to go play with a winner. But if you yell out and just sit there and they look, you know what this is, the dogs were trying to kill the owner because they're out there in the middle of the wilderness, right?

They're trying to, and if they don't run, a dog can survive for a lot longer than a human out there. Yep. If they don't run, they're killing the musher. True. So this was like, this was a little, uh, PJ Carlissimo, Latrell Sproul situation right here. I would do the same if a French person started screaming at me in the middle of

the winter in a really cold place. I'd be like, fuck it, dude, we're done. Yeah. I don't, I don't get paid enough to deal with this shit. Dogs are smarter than you think. Yeah. Boner dogs rolling over in his grave. It's a little lipstick.

Maybe this will be the prequel to boner dogs. Quits on the French Bob's or the quits on the French dog sled team. Maybe the French guy had a boner and they're like, yo, you pervert. We're not running for you. No, it would be the, the boner dogs would be the team. And then once the coach quits, they leave him in the forest and then they win by themselves. They don't need the musher.

Oh, I like that. I like that. Yeah. How does the boner come in? I think it's the French guy. He's horny. The one of the dogs gives an amazing speech, which gets the boner dog boned up. And then he uses a propeller.

Then they just go on their belly like skis. No, the boner, no, the boner is his fifth leg. So they have more legs to run on. Wait, the guy had a boner. No, no, the dogs have a boner. They all have boners. Yes. I don't know about that.

Okay. So the guy had a boner and the dogs look back and they learned how to get a boner and they left them and they're like, yo, we know how to get a fifth leg. Now we can do this on our own. They all get boners and they run to the finish line or the French guy had a boner the whole time. And then, and then when he started yelling at the dogs, he lost his boner and the dogs ripped his dick off and swallowed it.

And they got the magic of the boner inside of them. I like that. Okay. And the boners played by Will Ferrell. Yes. Absolutely. Voice by Will Ferrell. My cool throne is trains because Donald Trump is now going after big

airplane saying that planes have become too advanced that it takes really smart people and geniuses to fly them. And it's true. True. And he said he didn't want Albert Einstein to fly his plane, which you don't want a guy who's not only dead, but married his cousin. People forget that. That's true.

Smartest guy in the world in my ass. Also, John McCain was not a straight A student and he survived every plane that he crashed. How did he get into college? No, he just hard work. Okay. Hard work. He got into the military.

Also Harrison Ford, he landed Air Force one back in what 1995, something like that. And then in the 2000s, he's crashed like three planes. Yeah, he crashes a plane every other year. Yeah. So that's, yeah. Also, my cool throne is Brad Calipari because of the swag. Yeah. Because of this whole NCAA thing.

The Calipari family has proved that if you want to get your kid in college, you do it the right way and you get off your lazy ass and you get really good at coaching whatever sport you want your kid to be admitted on coach for like 30 years and then eventually your son will grow old enough to be on your team. Exactly. Yeah. I'm okay. By the way, with that last spot always being like just the richest guy, like

because yeah, give me a Bayhime, give me Calipari. Well, that's also something to for everyone to attain to. Like if you are, if you someday you can get rich and put your kid on your favorite basketball teams roster, that's cool. That's done through your hard work. Yeah, exactly. That's fucking cool. Uh, all right.

Let's do our interview with a comedian, Jimmy Carr, very funny guy, very interesting interview, a little accent, a little different, great. When, when Hank pitched it to us, he's like, Hey, you guys want to do this guy, Jimmy Carr, and we're like, who is like, well, he's got a British accent. We're like sold in because that's always good. Uh, before we do that, a quick word from our friends at the cash app. It's time to talk about cash card from the cash app, the number one finance app in the app store.

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We now welcome on, uh, very funny comedian. Well, I'd hope you'd be a funny comedian if you're a comedian by trade. Do you know what I tell you what, let's do the intro after half an hour and establish whether I'm funny then perfect. Okay. So it's, uh, yeah, it's this guy. He's wearing an Ed Hardy shirt and, uh, it does look a bit Ed Hardy. I promise it's those dragons.

It's, they are dragons on my shirt. That's boss, but you said, you said, yeah, you just said that's boss bitching. You want me to say bitching instead of sunglasses on indoors. No one in your office owns a suit. This place is frankly a disgrace. It's gross. I'm doing a sport. I don't know anything about sports.

What's the equivalent of a frat house in England? A frat house. Uh, would I guess, uh, you just said, you just said the word just longer. Yes. I also, I don't have an accent. I'll just be pronouncing things properly. Okay. Perfect.

Do you speak the King's English? The Queens. Yeah. Oh, it's, oh, does it go with whoever's live? Yeah. If I, you know what, we'll just, cause since we're skipping the intro, we'll skip to, I just wrote things. I'm curious about Britain.

Oh, get that out of the way. Things I'm curious about. Yeah. Yeah. Other guys, will they like me? Yeah. They'll like you. Yeah.

Sure. You're what we call a bear, I believe. I'm not even a gay guy, but I know that much. That's true. I am. Um, what were the characters called in the, in the Kevin Smith movie clerks that you've based yourselves on? Oh, silent bar.

Yeah. That, but it feels like I always liked those movies. In that chair, just a couple of days ago. Well, the chair does feel like it's been under a lot of pressure. He's lost a lot of weight. His taint and brown area was right on there. All right. So if I, if I diss the queen, do you have to fight me?

No. No, I'm not a fan. Not a fan of the queen. Well, I think as a head of state, if you've got, if you've got my, here's my take on the queen, if you get rid of the queen, you have to replace it with someone. Cause who's going to meet the dignitaries? We've got a great thing with like having a, having a queen is great because when like the king of Saudi Arabia comes over, we have someone we can send to go, yeah,

go and have dinner with her. That's great. And then the politicians can kind of go, we're going to keep our distance. It's a political, they can kind of do back channeling and kind of deals. So we always did kind of deals with Gaddafi and, and, and Libya and stuff. And that was all done through the Royals going, oh, I'm a king, you're a king. Come on. Let's be in the oil business.

People. I like that. I like that. Oh, another question about Britain. Who was that, that big dude that was walking out of that dinner with the queen that one time, the guy in the big jacket, like the absolute unit guy. Walking out of a dinner with the queen. Did you see that picture?

Look at the size of this lad. Absolute unit. How do you not understand this very specific things we're talking about? I'm going to bring it up right now. Have you guys had conversations before? It really feels like this is. No, we tested. Are you what doing?

Because we wanted someone who speaks Queens English. They keep us locked up in here and it's just refreshing to see somebody else. Okay. Here we go. The absolute unit. That guy that that escorted the queen. Oh, wow. Is that the king?

I mean, Jimmy, you should be the king. That's a fat suit, right? That calm. No, that's your absolute unit. Wow. That is a, that is a huge man. I mean, that's also an old fat guy, which is unusual. Whenever I meet a guy that size, I always say, I'm, I'm something you'll never be.

Yeah. 46. Yes. Exactly. Oh, you never see old fat dudes. And then when you do see one, you go, wow, that's quite some. I want to know what that guy's secret is. Forget just, you know, a 50 year old guy that's in shape.

You see those guys all the time. Maybe he just got fat at the end. Yeah. Like toward like it's seventies. Like, you know what? Fuck it. Let's just eat all the TM crumpets. Yeah.

He's done very well. I mean, he's in danger of being rolled back into the scene. That's orca fans. Yeah. Yeah, that is pretty, pretty big. All right. So we have Jimmy Carr on. He's got type three.

He is a comedian, TV host. Let's do it. That was a, that was our preamble. It's great to have you on. You have a new Netflix special out. It's called the best of ultimate gold greatest hits. I kind of did like a really stupid thing of going, I like, you know, you go and see bands, right?

And maybe they say, oh, we're going to play a new one now. And you go, right, I'll go and get a beer then because I like the old ones. Correct. And I, I did nine specials in the UK in like nine years. And then none of them had been released around the world. So I thought, well, I'll just put them, all of that stuff together and do like a, a special, like, uh, with all my favorite jokes. And it was, it's, yeah, I played the hits and then I taught it and I really enjoyed it.

It was kind of more about being a performer rather than being, uh, uh, you know, cause being a comedian, it's like being a singer, songwriter. It's like you're writing the jokes and then you're, you're showing them the new stuff and it's all about new, new, new. I'm just putting the new one together now, but this is like the best stuff that I've ever written. Okay. So if you don't like it, I'm, I'm shit.

Okay. Yeah, yeah, that's true. I, I, I like you because I did a little bit of research on you. Um, and by that, I mean, I looked at your Wikipedia page and you seem to be your kind of guy that thinks that anything can be funny. Any joke can be funny. Any subject can be funny. There's a whole, there's a, there's a big kind of intellectual theory around this

about, um, benign violation. And the idea that no joke is offensive because it's a joke, because as soon as you put it in that space where you go, okay, it's cancer, we're talking about cancer, it's the worst thing everyone's been affected by their family themselves. What if someone's been affected by cancer that you love, but as soon as you make a joke about it, you put it into a space where you go, it's benign. It's, it's actually, it's okay. And with this, it's, it's got no power over us.

Yeah. And that's kind of, it's a very sort of healing thing. And I think as long as you're an equal opportunities offender, as long as you offend everyone, my only rule on comedy is if I do a joke and there's like, if I'm doing a joke about someone in a wheelchair and there's a guy in the wheelchair in the audience and I go, I better not tell that joke. Cause he's here. I can never tell that joke again.

Yeah. Unless you have the balls to sit in front of the person and go, I'm fine with it. Hope you're fine with it. And if you're not, I'm cool with that too. Right. It's like, that's got to be the rule. It's got to be for everyone. Totally inclusive.

So, so along those same lines, I, I was reading also reading your Wikipedia. Great Wikipedia, by the way. Thank you. Um, the, you've gotten into trouble before because people have kind of taken things out of context and that actually happens to us fairly often. But there's a weird thing there, wasn't there? Where you go, I could, you know, you guys have got arrested development. You're, you're, you're teenage boys that are doing this for a living.

How old do you think we are? I, I, I would say maybe 30, 34, 34. Yeah. I'm going to see the gray hair. I mean, I'm looking at two men, but I can see four disappointed parents. Yes. Oh, easily. Uh, yeah.

It's that weird thing where you go, I got into trouble for telling a joke. And yeah, I guess a little bit, you know, it was in the papers and the paper wrote there was outrage from who, right? It's like three people on Twitter said, I didn't like it. People talk to Twitter. If you've got freedom of speech, which I have, and I take very seriously, I can say that, but you have to respect people's freedom of speech to go. I didn't like it.

Right. But also there's a huge difference when it gets, when it gets in the papers, I'm sure you've had this too. When something gets in the papers or gets online, it tends to be they weren't at the show. It wasn't the people listening to your podcast that got offended. It was the people that read about what you said on the podcast. So I would say that there's a huge difference between telling a joke on stage at 10

a.m. Sorry, at 10 p.m. in the evening to a crowd of people that paid to see you. That's one thing. And then they're shouting it through someone's letterbox at seven a.m. Yup. And that's what the papers are. The papers are, they reprint a joke and you go, well, that's not anything written down, right? Even I think, oh my God, I sound like a dick.

Right. It's written down. Yeah. If it's written down, stripped of all context, actually anybody stand up routine. If you just like type it out. If you, if you take dictation of it, it's a weird thing. Like scripts, Hollywood scripts get printed. Like if you go to any Barnes and Noble, they've got a section of scripts and you

can buy the script and read the movie and it works. It's like, that's good. There's no stand up that they've written out their, their material because it just doesn't work. It's a, it's a live medium. And also it's a, I mean, Netflix do a tremendous job bringing comedy to people. Um, but going out live is the thing. You're 30 times more likely to laugh when you're in a group.

Is that true? Yeah. 30 times. It's extraordinary. Well, who came up with that? That sounds like some junk science, which I'm cool with. No, no, no, they did the, they've done quite, I did a documentary for the BBC last year about, oh no, the year before last, uh, uh, panorama about laughter and

the effects of laughter and why, cause laughter predates language by about a million years. Holy shit. It's a totally different part of the throat that we use to laugh. So laughter was, and essentially what laughter is getting very intellectual. No, I like this. But we're, we're dumb. So this is good.

Well, laughter is essentially remote grooming. So, you know, you get 50 apes in a group. It's called the Dunbar number. Okay. Okay. I thought it was called a podcast. No, the Dunbar number is the number of friends you can have. Oh, okay.

So the number of friends a human can have, you know, when people are on Facebook and they go, I've got a thousand friends. No, you don't. Right. A human, uh, human beings can have about 150 friends. And the reason they can have 150 friends. So great apes can have about 50 friends. There's about 50 or 60 people in a, in a, in a unit of apes.

And then they get to about 60. And, and this ape says to that, well, I haven't, you haven't taken any, you haven't groomed me in ages. I don't even know this guy. We're starting our own thing. And the way that we have larger groups is we're able to laugh. Most laughter is false laughter. Most laughter isn't laughing out loud at a joke.

It's like in conversation, that kind of, huh, the weather today. It's, it's that slightly false laughter. Right. And it's a signal to the other person to say, I'm not a threat to you. We're the same. We share a, it's, it's that lovely thing of like laughter being the shortest distance between two people. Yeah.

And it kind of unites us and it's older than language. It's such an important thing in our culture. I mean, I sell dick jokes. So it's a different thing. Yeah. Well, I was going to say, I mean, it, that, that is fascinating that someone actually like studied laughter in, in comedy like that. What else did you learn from that?

I'm also a believer that if you just say a statistic, yeah, with enough confidence, everyone, with this accent, with this accent, forget it. Seriously. I'm like, I sound like the guy from the blue planet. I mean, it all sounds so plausible. Letters BBC. I'm like, okay, that's legit. I mean, when, when, when you were,

BBC is really bad now though, because if you go online, well, the thing about the British broadcasting corporation is great, but also big black cocks, so you can get very, you know, BBC news sounds like, wow, what happened with them? Well, there's a long lines of like laughter and being in groups and communal living. Have you heard of jerk off clubs? Jerk off clubs.

Yeah, this is a new thing that we talked about. Yeah, the guys just go and hang out and jerk each other off to like feel something. That's a little bit fake, but they actually show up. You jerk yourself off. Yeah. Well, and also you can just around each other off. You can if you want, but it's totally straight.

Are you cool with that? It's a straight thing. So they get together and they, is there, I mean, it sounds like a Bukake video, but is the, but there's no, there's no, it's a Bukake shoot. The girl didn't show up. Right. Yes.

Right. It's like you're cracking Manchitea's girl. I nearly had a three-way last night. I just, just a couple of girls let me down. Yes. That's exactly right. That's communal living. Yeah.

You should do a BBC documentary on that. Well, I suppose there is that thing of going the, the sense of like, we've never been more connected. I like humanity's never been more connected on social media. I think like the reason podcasts, I think are so huge is because people are desperate for, for conversation. And they go, and actually when you love a podcast, when you listen to something, or you've got a radio show on serious or a podcast that you

listen to every day pretty much, the reason for that is a sense of community. Yeah. And you go, well, actually we're built to live in tribes. There's a wonderful book called tribe, which is all about this, all about the idea of going, and there's another great book called Selfie about how the idea of individualism is comparatively new and terrifying. It just doesn't work for human beings. We feel incredibly alienated.

So social media is basically going to ruin us all. I mean, I have, I got to the same conclusion from a different route. It's a, it's a weird thing. I think, I think you're going to start seeing people now getting rid of their social media because it's not making them happy. Right. Because my favorite quote is an old, um, I think it's your old, uh, president, uh, Roosevelt said comparison is the thief of joy.

And if you go on Instagram, all it is is comparing your life, your avocado toast to someone else's, and it's all fake. It's all fake, but you, yeah, cause no one's ever taken a photo of themselves frowning and no one, yeah, no one's ever, like, you can't possibly go have the perfect vacation in Vale and Cabo and like be on a boat every week. And it just, you see the stuff that triggers in your head, like that person's having more fun than me, but it's never the case. I do actually, I, I see a lot more people starting to delete their Instagram

accounts, but whenever they do, it's like, you delete Facebook and all of a sudden you're, you're thorough and you're going to Walden Pong because you don't have a Facebook account anymore. It's like, yes, I see it happening, but at the same time, it's like, if you delete Facebook, but you still have an Instagram account, that's, you're feeding the same piece. It's a, it's a weird thing when you talk about the controversy with jokes and when there's an outrage, I've never had a bad interaction with people one on one.

I always like, even when, but I told a joke about soldiers years ago, I told this joke about how our young men coming back from Iraq and Afghanistan with limbs blown off, uh, it's a disgrace. Um, but on the upside, we are going to rule at the Paralympics, which was at the time a super harsh joke, right? Cause it was the middle of when the UK forces were in Helmand and guys were coming back, I went down to visit the guys in the hospital and it was just, and I wrote the joke down in the hospital.

It was a really brutal thing to say, but it was with some young squaddies. This 19 year old kid that's lost both legs below the knee, like the first week out there, I mean, horrific. And then such a, you know, if you ever hung with those guys, super dark sense of humor and they, they kind of don't care. And then the outright, there's kind of outrage in the papers beyond that, but actually it's kind of, uh, the, the people that have gone through that are kind of, right, even if they sort of go, I didn't like that joke one on one.

When you're looking someone in the eyes, there's something about being a human bit. I mean, you've got sunglasses on right now, but actually you're looking someone in the eyes. People are incredibly empathetic to other people. People are very understanding as soon as they get online, it's this guy should never work again. It's very disgrace and you never get over it.

There's a wonderful book called, uh, so you've been publicly shamed by John Ronson, which is about what happens to those people. There's an, you know, there's a scandal about them in the paper today or online, as it's Twitter storm about someone said something terrible. And they have to carry that with them for the rest of their life. It never goes away. Yeah. They can never used to be, if you had a scandal, move to the next town.

It's like the, the just, it has Justine landed yet. The woman who, who tweeted the, the, yeah. Hope you don't get AIDS. Yeah. And then that's the first chapter of the book is interviewing her and going back to, yeah, it's a fascinating reading. You kind of go, there's no forgiveness when you're in society. It's got that, it's got that terrifying bit in it as well.

Where this, I think it's some French dude is in some scandal. I don't know what he's done. He's done something and they say to him, some journalist says to him, don't you want to apologize? He says, Oh God, I'd love to apologize. And the guy says, why don't you apologize? And he said, cause no one would listen. Right.

They don't care about the apology. Yes. Oh, you're only saying that cause you want your job back. Right. Yeah. That's also true. Right. It becomes another story though, if you do apologize, it's like more fodder for

people to, to discuss and write about. It's weird. It's weird to be with jokes as well. Cause the, the joke thing is just, you go, you never have to apologize for a joke. Just on policy. You go, while I was standing on stage saying that to make people laugh, I'm a drug dealer is what I do for a living. I'm trying to get to you.

Do you actually have drugs? Yeah. But I, but the drugs are on you. You've got endorphins in you and I can release them through telling jokes for an hour and you leave the show feeling giddy and high and people come back and they see it more. It's very true. You sometimes see people at a show that aren't even having fun.

They just need it. Yeah. They just need to be in a room with a thousand other people all laughing at the same thing. It's an incredibly cathartic thing. Yeah. It is a lot like a jerk off club now that I think. Yes.

It's exactly, you just described a jerk off. So also that thing of like, why do people come out and see a show live? Why do people go into the comedy cellar in New York or the comedy store in LA? Why do they go and sit in a room with 500 other people and have a good time? But they could watch it on their phone. They could watch the thing. I, you know, can watch the Netflix special, even the Netflix special.

If you watch it with your partner, if you watch it with a buddy and two beers, if you watch it like you watch sports, that is a better way to watch comedy. Yeah. I'm always saying this to people like, Oh, you watch my special, but invite a buddy over and watch it with them and then have a chat about it afterwards. And you, cause you laugh so much more when you're with one other person. And this is the experience. Yeah.

People, that's, that's the biggest thing is I think we've almost, it's so funny because now experiences have become monetized where it's like everyone lives online. So now doing things in real life, people have to pay extra for, because it's like a new novel thing. It's like, no, that's not novel. It was, you know, 20 years ago, this was just life. You're just paying to escape the internet.

Right. Which is backwards. Every time you pay to escape the internet, that's money well spent. Yes. I did, I did a thing on holiday. I had a vacation over Christmas. I went to Hawaii, which, um, beautiful. I mean, well played, well played, America.

Yeah. Well played. If you are, I mean, so beautiful, but we put the phones, I mean, the Mrs put the phones in the safe in the morning at nine AM or check to make sure no one cool died, put the phone in the safe and then got it at six o'clock in the evening. It's pretty nice. You sound like someone who doesn't have a gambling addiction.

Super, super stressful for the first three days. Yeah. Super stressful. You're like going, well, I don't know what's button up now. I'll be checking the news. Yeah. Why? What am I going to do with the news?

It's reflux. Also the nice thing about Hawaii, it's in a time zone where nothing else is located. So you're not on the same, you're not on what, uh, Greenwich Mean Time. Is that what you guys call it? Greenwich Mean Time is, is, uh, is based on that. Yeah, everything, everything. How did that happen?

By the way, you guys decided we're going to draw a line. No, we, we, yeah, we drew a line through the middle of London and we basically were running the world at that stage. We're running the oceans. Um, so it's a, it's a, because it happened then that's when trade kind of happened. How, how do you guys explain like the last 50 years in, in British schools? Like, Hey, we ran the world for this really long time.

And then whoops, America just is awesome. Um, I don't think it's quite as sort of simplistic as that. I think we kind of got rid of, there was an age of empire and. Oh, now you guys don't want problematic. We didn't even want it anymore. I mean, I mean, I think problematic is really the, the understatement. I mean, it was really, we, we have got so much blood on our hands that no one talks about.

I mean, we essentially, we invented slavery. Uh, and America, uh, you know, that's arguably the worst thing that's ever happened. I mean, it's that and the Holocaust are like, they're up there with the, the worst things in humanity. Uh, I mean, it's just, we invented it. Yeah. We invented banking to fund slavery. Right.

And then the whole of the, if you think about it, the whole of our economy, the whole of Western civilization, the industrialized world is built on the back of slavery, because that's where the capital amassed. And then that allowed people to build factories and do other things. And suddenly we didn't need slavery, but we needed it for a long time. You're also invented the Beatles though. I'm amazed how little people talk about it. It's true.

It's amazing. Yeah. Get bummed out by talking about like hard truths. I didn't know the history behind the banking system. Is that, is that true? Like the banking system was innovated. Yes. It was about the, the golden triangle they called it.

And that was the, to raise the money, to get the boats, to do the thing. It was so profitable. It kind of, it just, it's timber. That was the banking system. That's crazy. Out from that. Um, I want to jump back real quick to talking about some of the, the more offensive jokes that you like to tell or jokes that may offend some people.

Where do you, where do you, uh, draw the line between, or I don't draw the line. I, I, here's my thing. I think the audience is a genius. Uh, Lenny Bruce said it first. It's not my thing, but the audience is a genius. The audience decided what you can and what you can't laugh at and what is, and what isn't offensive. They do all the work for me.

So occasionally I do preview gigs cause I'm putting new material together. So go out, little, little room, maybe two, 300 people that have like paid $10 or whatever. And you, you read jokes, you go, right? I'm going to tell these jokes and half of them work and half of them don't. And some of the ones that don't work, you go, that's really funny, but it's, it's too much. It's like people go, Oh no, no, thanks.

And it's amazing how consistent groups of people are. It's amazing how 200 people is the same as 3000 people. It's really like what they will laugh at, what they won't laugh at, what's too far. And you let them make the decision. Cause my sense of humor is quite, you know, you want it to be, you want to hit that sweet spot where you go, I find it funny, they find it funny, great. And then you always like the best jokes ever. I don't care who your favorite comedian is, your favorite jokes, the best jokes ever

are the in jokes that you have with friends. And actually where people really love, what people love about comedy is where they've got a comedian that they've been following for years and they feel like there's a conversation going on. Yeah. You feel like you're included in the joke or you feel like you've had to do your own work to be able to appreciate the joke on your end and then you feel more involved with the comedy.

And then I think that's why, I mean, I'm quite old fashioned in a way. Cause I tell jokes. So if the, the, the new Netflix special, the best of ultimate gold one, there's 300 jokes in an hour. I mean, it's like, it's three a minute for a minute. It's all fastballs and that, I find that very pleasing. I really like jokes. I'm quite old fashioned like that.

But actually when you watch someone like, um, I don't know, Lucy K or whatever, or Dave Chappelle, you really feel included. You feel like this is a friend talking to me. Right. This is like, uh, there's a, the stories, there's a story. And there's a he should join the rain city jacks. That'd be good.

That actually would have solved all his problems. Are you joining this organization? No, we're just going to do a thing where we do a Monday reading. So on Mondays, we read like this, uh, like one was a guy was getting cucked by his wife and he like, but he was staying with her. And then she was like, hey, yeah, like it was a whole thing. Um, I want to bring up, uh, the strange decisions people make. Yeah.

Real quick, I want to dovetail on that just for a second. Cause you see Ricky Gervais, right? Ricky Gervais, to me, sometimes he feels like a comedian. Like him, he like, he'd rather offend than tell a joke sometimes because he thinks that just like being offensive is funny and like triggering people. Do you ever catch yourself being like, I'm writing this joke and it seems like I'm just doing it to push boundaries. And it's not as funny as it is just like inciting people.

Just like, well, I think, I think there's a few things where you go. I did think about it recently. And I really wanted to have a great joke about, uh, black lives matter. Cause I think it's an interesting cultural phenomenon that's great. And I think the, the pushback against it was so fucking retarded. It was just awful. So I wanted something on that. And I wanted something about female genital mutilation in the set.

So I spent a lot of time thinking about what's an angle on those subjects that are important. And yeah, I always think it's like Joan Rivers had the best line on controversial jokes. Someone called her cause she did a joke about the Holocaust. And someone said, that's disgraceful. You can't talk about that. You're disgusting.

And she said, fuck you. She said, you say, never forget. This is how I remember. Right. And there's a lot of times when you do a joke about something and people go, oh yeah, that's kind of, uh, and actually it's an, you know, you should talk about everything. I think, I think that, you know, drawing that line is kind of crazy.

I think offense for the sake of offense, there's a big difference. I've got a friend, Jesse Joyce is an amazing writer, um, works on like the roasts and works on, uh, Jimmy Kimmel shows brilliant guy. And he's got a really interesting sort of take on this where he says, Oh, you see some comics and especially roast jokes and it's not getting a laugh. It's getting a groan. You're getting a huge response from the audience, but you're getting the wrong response and it's like a girl that doesn't know the difference between good

and bad attention. It's like, yeah, that's something she's going to be incredible in bed, but actually that's the wrong thing. The guy at the lunch table that just eats all the disgusting food to get a laugh out of his friends. It's kind of, and that weird thing about like going, um, you know, it's the wrong response and it's loud and it's like, Oh, right. There's no laugh there.

And I like my favorite noise in comedy. I'm coming across as such a pseudo intellectual here, but yeah. Well, you are just by being around us, but, um, yeah, you're heightening the game wearing a dragon at hearty shirt and we can't afford something like that. The thing is so cutting and it's so cutting. It's such a wonderful, do you have bedazzled jeans? Okay, keep going. Sorry, it didn't mean to interrupt, but my favorite noise in comedy is,

is cognitive dissonance, which is the sign of intelligence. The idea that you go, you laugh and then there's a sharp intake of breath and people are having two thoughts at the same time. The thing, or is that okay to laugh at, but they've already laughed at it because actually a laugh is a reflex. If you watch my Netflix special and you laugh at it, I'm afraid that is your sense of humor. You don't get to watch it and then go, I'm going to have a think about that.

Yeah. No, he seems like a nice guy. I'm going to laugh at those jokes. It's like you're in the moment and you laugh at it. It's a reflex. You don't know why you're laughing even. It's just that right there explains why transcribing a comedy set doesn't work because you're reading it and you're not like, you don't have that moment where

you can have that knee jerk reaction where you don't even get to think. Well, every, every joke is the same thing. It's the sudden revelation of a previously concealed fact. Right. Every joke is the same. Every joke is two stories. And in the first story, you were forced to make an assumption that turns out to be erroneous in the second part of the story.

They all work in the same way. Right. And, and yet somehow there's something about the human mind. There's something about the language and we're rewarding linguistic ability with endorphins. It's very Darwinian. This is crazy. Yeah.

What about, what about just seeing a guy getting kicked in the balls? That's funny. How would you break that down or a puke video? Two stories, well, two stories there. The first story is that's, that's not meant to happen. That's not meant, that's not in the, in the normal run of things. And then it's happening to this guy. So the second, I didn't think that was going to happen.

Two guys just standing next to each other and then bang. It's like the guy walking to a place, play house window. The first story is the guys walking towards me and then hang on. The second story is, what about puke videos? I always laugh when I see someone puking. Uh, yeah. I suppose it would be the same sort of thing of going the, they're just not supposed to be doing that.

It's, I don't think the puking is ever funny. The look on someone's face, the pain, like we're not even the pain. It's the look of kind of confusion that's going on. But often right now. Yeah. Yeah. Um, all right, I have one last question. So I didn't want to bring this up, but I have to bring it up.

But in a different way, uh, your tax avoidance thing. Can you explain to us how to do that so we can do it? We're pretty sure. Yeah. I mean, listen, listen, I didn't do anything illegal. I did like, um, there's a, there's someone asked me, what's between tax evasion and tax avoidance? It's about three years in prison.

Yeah. So you did the right one. So I did that. We need that. I did, you know, that thing where you kind of read about, you know, politicians have to publish their tax returns and he only paid 10% tax, whatever. I did very kind of went to an accountant and the accountant went, how much tax you want to pay?

And I went, well, as little as possible. And he did a great job, but it turned out, I would have been better off taking financial advice from a Nigerian general over email than this guy. Cause I tell you how much tax I save. Nothing. Right. Cause you pay it all back. Well, I just, I paid it all back.

I didn't have to pay it all back weirdly from a legal point of view. I didn't have to pay any of it back. So this all worked. Yeah. But it was, but the prime minister of the country that I live in, David Cameron was at the G 20 summit in Mexico and he came out and gave a talk, like just being in a meeting with Obama came out and went, Jimmy Carr's tax affairs. It's like, okay, okay.

I mean, that's a lot of pressure. I mean, yeah, there's a lot of pressure, but also it's kind of, it's kind of nice to be called on that stuff. Right. Sometimes it's, it's, sometimes it's okay to go, yeah, I kind of, I'm messed up there. I should have paid that in the first place. Like Hank doesn't even pay his taxes. He's never paid taxes.

Hank does not look as if he earns enough that that's a problem. Yeah, right. That, that, that also is like, I don't think hobos pay tax. Right. And you only get one a second, 15,000 a show. Yeah, something like that. We make $75,000 a show. Can you believe that shit for this crazy right now?

We just made 75,000. We made seven Ed Hardy shirts. I would, uh, I would not doubt that. I think it's a weird, it's a weird thing. No, it's a joke, actually. People think that it's just crazy. Hey, are you Jags fan of Jacksonville Jaguars fans that you're British? A huge Jaguar, Jackson's fans.

Go blues, go blues and all right. Well, who's your soccer team? I used to live near the North London gun, gun gooners, but I'm kind of non-partisan. I'm kind of non-partisan. So for me, the best season there's ever been was when Lester won. Like it's, they should have, they should have, uh, they should have shut down the premiership when they won. They should have just gone, do you know what guys, that's football.

We've just done football. Can I, can I interest you in Swansea? I'm actually an owner in that team. So I was Swansea. Yeah. Well, like Swansea had kind of a run. You know, people get mad at me in England or in Wales. Whenever, like every now and then, kind of, kind of, is kind of interesting as well.

Cause well, football fans, cause it's more of a rugby place. So the football, there's really properly working class kind of roots. They hate me because they think I actually, like I own 0.001% of 1%, but every now and then they'll be like, get the Americans out and they'll be like, this fucking guy, look at him. Big cat ruined Swansea. Yeah. Look, fuck this fat American.

I do have a question about sports. Yeah. I was chatting to a friend recently about American football and I read that kind of concussion book and watched the documentary and I thought American football is such an important cultural thing in America. Yeah. But is there a case now where you go in 20 years, is it still going to be here? Because it seems like people's, people's like, even like great sports stars now are

going, I won't let my children play. You can't make the game safer just by the way it's designed. You can make the helmets as good as you possibly can. And you're still, it doesn't matter. Because a concussion has nothing to do with your outer skin. Right. And the problem is more that we were just hiding it for so long. Now that it's all out there, I think people know the risks and it's like, okay, you know

the risks. Because it feels like your three lawsuits away from American football not being a thing anymore. Yeah, but there was gambling. Yeah, gambling is huge. There was that big lawsuit, but that got settled by the NFL. So there was a class act and they just said here's a few billion and everybody just went away.

And then we just like, don't think about it. The problem you asked a question. I don't want to think about what you just said. Cause it's the, did you read that article about the murder suicide? Yeah, don't think about that. Don't think about that. So what you just did, you already made a mistake. I told you not to think about it.

And then I just brought it up. Right. So you have to understand. Don't think about that. You're doing like the BBC special about, you know, the evolution of laugh. We just don't think about it. You know, the other thing that's slightly ruined American football, I think is the, the show on it's, is it on a Saturday or a Sunday?

It's the, the football show that's got all the different. I watched it with my friend Scott and that had all the different. We know they had all the different games on and all the red zone actually made it better unbelievable, but it's ruined. No, I agree with you. Have you ever tried to watch a football game having seen red zone? You should go, wow, this is boring. Yeah.

It's like going from free base and cocaine to just like smoking the grass that your dad grew up smoking. I agree with you. Different. I do think it's kind of a reference that I feel you really have a hand in. Yeah, I do. But it does feel like sometimes it's like, it's like, we have a thing in the UK called match of the day, which is the, the football and you go, it's just goals.

I can very happily watch that. Cause you just go off the goal, off the goal, 90 minutes of football. No, thank you, sir. Well, what happens is it fucks with your mind. So you're watching the red zone and they'll switch to a game and you immediately think, well, here comes a touchdown. And then when it doesn't come, you're like, wait, where's my touchdown? It was just like a five yard pass because your brain has just become this like

touchdown, touchdown, touchdown. Every single play has got to be a big play. So I agree with you. I'm actually on your side. I think it's kind of fucked up like how we watch football and I don't really like to do it. I like to ride on it. I haven't been to a professional NFL game, which is kind of, I think I, I

think I would like to go, I think, cause it would probably be a little bit like my thing of like, I'm always going to go out to live comedy. It's amazing experience, go and see lots of comedy stuff that make you happy. I think going to a sports thing, I'm a big tennis fan, but I mean, I think you could tell that just going to the game, I've never felt more kind of like when you go and see like the Wimbledon final, it's like the in the room as even watching on TV or whatever it doesn't matter how much you care. Just being there in that moment is so incredible to go out to something.

I swear to God, you were perfect for the jackoff club. You just love being around like just groups. Like, yeah, there you go. You got it. Boom. Sure. Uh, Jimmy Carr, what a pleasure talking to you. Thank you so much.

Everyone check it out. The best of ultimate gold, greatest hits on Netflix now. Appreciate it. And there's no, there's no, you know, sophomore college bullshits. Just jokes. Just jokes. Yeah. Got it.

Okay. Poof. Thank God. That interview with Jimmy Carr was brought to you guys by Peloton. You're looking for new ways to get in your cardio between a busy schedule. If you think cycling classes don't make you work up a sweat, you have not tried Peloton. Men's health calls it the best cardio machine on the planet. That's right.

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cardio workout at home. Go to onepeloton.com start slash PMT to get started. That's one peloton.com slash PMT to get started. The interview was also brought to you guys by Captera. You remember 1989, the year the worldwide web was invented. We've come a long way in 30 years. So why does it feel like the software that you use every day at work is stuck in the past? Take a leap into the future by finding the right software for your

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network. I think that'll be coming out on Thursday and PFT and the hard factor guys are going to be doing a live stream on Friday. Uh, you're going to be doing a power hour. That's very true. Eight o'clock PM Friday, they're going to be in the New York office and we're going to go on a live stream power hour with Marty mush. Fuck yes. Also, if you don't know the hard factor guys, first of all, you should

download it because it's a great podcast. What is it? It's a daily news podcast. Thanks for asking. Hank comes out Monday through Thursday and it's about 15 to 20 minutes. So it's like, we call it news cocaine in the biz. It also, uh, was a very sobering moment for me when I met the hard factor guys about six months ago and they all were chunk and Harry.

And I was like, Oh, PFT's got a type. I do have a type. So it was like, we all were looking in the mirror and we're like, wait, yeah, PFT's got a fucking, he's a chubby chaser. I am speaking of chunk. Yeah. We have shirts on sale. Fuck yes.

We have shirts on sale. Go watch the YouTube video coming on Spotify soon. Should be up today. Okay. Great. So by the shirt, uh, watch the video. Thank you. We had like over a hundred thousand views in the first 24 hours.

So keep watching. Thank you. We're hoping to win an Emmy, if not an Oscar or a Tony for a live stage. We'll do a stage performance. What's it called the escrow? That's what we want escrow. Yeah. We want the escrow.

We want to put our money in an escrow. We want to put our awards in escrow. Yup. Isn't that like John legend has, what is it? John, John legend has an escrow escrow is what you use to like hold money before you're doing a mortgage or anything. Of course. I think big cat does too.

Yeah. But escrow is a agro crag. Yes. No, you're right. You're right. You got it. No, it's an agro crag. Guts, do you have it?

Do, do, do, do, do you have it? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. To be fair, it is also a dream of mine to win an agro crag. Well, what is the crag? Back in the day, we interviewed, we tracked down one of the perfect game. It's a game that has been stuck in my head forever. Brian beer, guts legend. He had the perfect game.

Uh huh. He won every single event. Anybody else have a little crush on Moe? Oh, yeah. The Australian ref. Duh. He's going to cry, clawing the agro crag. What a fucking show.

You were too young. Yeah, I was. Fuck. I would have gotten all up in her guts. Ooh, that was too far. My friend, that was too far. No, keep that in. That was too far.

No, I, because I respect. We need to know where the line is. Her guts, I want to, I want to, I'm in her brain. See what she's made of. Yeah. Her moxie. Uh, all right. Let's do some good, good segues, PFT.

We have a new segment, new segment alert, Hank. How horny is Stephen A Smith? So let's play this clip. Say I don't agree with the part about me being horny all hours of the day. A few hours in the day. Yes, but not all hours of the day. I digress.

That was Stephen A Smith addressing his horniness, uh, by our friend Coley Mick who wrote a blog and says Stephen A Smith is horny all the time. He is now, he's now clarified. He's only horny some of the hours. He said a couple hours a day, a couple hours a day. It was in response to the, uh, take quake that someone wrote that basically was like Gordon Hayward's getting preferential treatment because he's white and, uh, I just, I just like Stephen A Smith is so fucking funny.

He really is. We need to just respect his horniness, how horny he is and how funny he is. That's why I wears the big pants. So you can't tell if he's got the boner sticking out. So I went and looked up a couple, uh, Stephen A Smith tweets in 2009. He was, he was an early tweeter. He said, good Lord, I'm tired. Just finished working out, trying to get my sexy on winky face.

It's totally gone. I'm so damn tired from running. It's sad. All caps. And then also in 2009, he responded to someone saying, good to see a sexy photo too. Evidently you're trying to get yourself in trouble. Winky face. He's fucking horny.

Dude is horny and that's okay. He's a bottom feeder too. Remember, he's like an old school horny though. Yeah. Which I think is classier. I don't think he's thirsty. He's horny, which is a big difference. He's the kind of guy you invite over for a poker game and he brings over a nudie

deck, so check it out, fellas. And then fuck your wife. Haha. Yeah. Yeah. Let me be very clear. All that stuff. Yes.

I brought the cards with a woman's vagina as the ace of spades. Yeah. He's, uh, he's all time horny. I love it though. Team number one, team horny. Mm hmm. Who else is on team horny? Ooh.

Team number one, all time team horny. You gotta say Anthony Weiner. Robert Kraft. Ray Allen. Ray Allen. Yeah. Yeah. The all horny team.

I mean, if you've gotten thrown in jail for being too horny on multiple occasions, yes, you've got to be up there. Yeah. The all horny team. We should definitely make Mount Rushmore of horny. Jimmy Carter. Brett Favre. Yeah.

Rick Potato. Well, it'll last for a while. That's the thing about Rick is like, it's quality versus quality. Yes. Yes. Exactly. Right. Yes.

Stephen A Smith is always horny, but he's not ever over the top. Super horny. Right. Musburger. Musburger is horny, big time horny guy. Yeah. All right. We'll do that for the Mount Rushmore season this year.

We'll make a bracket. Yeah. We'll make a bracket. All the time horny is guys. Of course it's guys. All right. Let's, uh, let's go to speaking of horny, uh, the guy who, he was the captain of the worst bachelor season of all time.

Of all time. The guy who didn't have sex. So was it the finale? This season sucked and we didn't even watch it. Did he come back over the fence ever? I want my money back and I didn't even watch it. All I want to know about this episode is how he got back in the house. Did he go back over the fence or did he walk through the front door?

There was a, so I heard there was a search party. Like it ended with the, it ended with a fence cliffhanger and it came back. They were like, there was the whole production team was like running around. Uh, it was like Puerto Rico or Portugal or some random, some random country. Yeah. Yeah. It was the same. I think it was Portugal or somewhere with P, uh, and they were like running around

trying to find him. It was, it was really like cops. It was like cops meets the bachelor. Okay. It looked like a CD. Now I'm back in. They finally found him. Uh, he was crying.

He had his heart broken because the girl that he liked dumped him, uh, onto the notes. Colton says he's in love with Cassie and he's done with the show now that Cassie has broken up with him and he, and gone home. Okay. So wait, wait, did he, did he not end up with someone? No, there's one more episode, but pretty much not taking his penis and going home. This is hilarious.

I don't want to play anymore. Colton breaks up with Tayshaya telling her that his relationship with Cassie is stronger than theirs. They both cried a lot. Okay. And then Colton breaks up with Hannah G and says, I thought it was going to be you. And I don't know if I'm making the right decision. So who's left?

No, that's it. He just can't make a decision. He broke up with Tayshaya and Hannah G and Cassie dumped him. And they were the final three. This sucks. This is awful. Like this is the worst. In all honesty, Levy on Bell is free agent situation.

He's being more decisive than Colton. I've heard some, some anonymous DM rumors that, uh, Colton's going to do a little appearance on Ellen and maybe announce some things about himself. So that would kind of explain a lot of everything that's gone on in the season. This is the, this is the watch out alarm. You've gotten an anonymous DM saying that he's gay. We don't want us to put that out.

Whoa, whoa. I didn't say that's what you're saying. No, just say it. No, he's just going to go on and get scared by Ellen. She scares everyone. It's hilarious. She pops out of that. All I'm saying is if they, if, if, if he did that and then they came out with

the first ever gay bachelor, it would be the highest rated season. That's the way to save it. Yeah. Ah, I would watch that. Yeah. Okay. So they, so they basically just, they, they, uh, did a little, cause it also makes sense why all the girls dumped him throughout the season.

Right. Clearly they didn't see it. Something's up. We should do like a bachelor version with, with Blake Bortles to figure out his next team. Yeah. It would just be Bill Cohn. Yeah.

You want to call the whole team. Yeah. Yeah. In, in, by the way, you see Belichick on his boat. Oh, he looks so chonky looking so thick. So chonky. That's what's awesome about Belichick. He's like Mickey Rourke in the Rainmaker.

He's so good at his job. He just goes and hangs out in paradise, gets a phone call in between beers. I was like, yeah, go ahead, do it. Yeah. Do it. The phone. All right. Don't do it.

Do it. And just goes back and forth. And he, yeah, he's, he's your starts today. His year starts in January. Okay. Uh, February, Belichick is looking at that picture, that top of picture on the beach. He's chunk goals.

Like that's what that's, that's like the perfect level of chunk where it's like you look and you're like, that's chunk, but also at one point, right in there. Now that, that's like a healthy belly where it goes back to the medieval representation of beauty where his, his belly is perfectly designed to show people that I'm successful. That I, that I can afford a steak. I can provide for you. Yes, exactly.

I can pride for all of you. Uh, all right. Next up, we have locker room talk for Russell Westbrook and his ongoing feud with Utah jazz fans. Uh, he got into it with a guy on Monday night and he told them, so the guy apparently said, get back on your knees where you belong, which I don't really under, I don't know if that's homophobic or race. I don't know where he was going with it.

Russell Westbrook said the guy was being racist towards him. And then he turned him and said, I will, uh, what do you say? I'll take you down or no, I'll fuck you up and your wife. And he said, on everything I love, which that is like the most serious thing on everything I love, I will fuck you up. Uh, so Russell Westbrook, this is like a theme now. He just, he is the perfect case for we need to have players be able to fight a fan once a year.

Yeah, I like that. I also like the idea of having players that just hate certain cities. Like one guy against an entire city. It is the, this is it. Russ Westbrook, when he goes to Utah, there will be fireworks. My only question to you, PFD is, do you think he might be at the point where it's like everyone knows they can get under his skin. So he's got to dial it back.

Cause I feel like people now know like, Oh, we can get him to respond, which is the worst thing you want. I don't think that Russell Westbrook cares and he'll get into a fight with every single other city in the NBA West. Right. I think he doesn't mind being thin skin. That's the difference. Like some guys, when they get called out for being thin skin, it becomes a problem

for him. Russell Westbrook actually doesn't give a shit. He is, he's an enigma because he is, he doesn't care. He doesn't give a fuck more than any player I've ever seen, but also at the same time gives a tremendous fuck in like being an ultra competitor at all times. He doesn't give a fuck that he doesn't give a fuck. Right. You know what I'm saying?

Yeah. I know exactly what you're saying. That's kind of, that's crazy. That's kind of where he's at right now. He really doesn't give a fuck that he does. So he, he really gives a fuck that he doesn't give a fuck. Wait. He cares that he doesn't give a fuck.

He cares so much that he doesn't give a fuck. Yes. Right. He cares that he doesn't give a fuck, but doesn't give a fuck that he doesn't give a fuck to. Right. He doesn't care so hard that he actually is caring. He's under our skin right now because we give too many fucks about how many fucks

he gives. Yeah. On everyone I love, that's such an awesome line. I'll fuck you up. Yeah. Fans have just been like, have fun being Rudy Gobert's B word. Yeah. Hey, go, go on back to Oklahoma city where you can be a B word.

Canadian jazz fan. Play, I have fun with playoff P. Yeah. Good job. Hey, good job. Betcha miss, betcha miss KD. You're a little, you're a little butt friend. Utah is now Canadian, Canada.

I'm also under reported in this. I'm pretty sure the guy was Brett Kiesel's cousin. Really? His last name was Kiesel and he looked just like him. Interesting. Who's that? Played on the Steelers. Played on the Steelers.

Played on the Big Beard. Let's ask Nick Mangold. I'm pretty sure there are all those white guys with beards on group text. That's true. It's the beard text. Uh, all right. Last up before we get to guys on chicks, PR 101 for Conor McGregor. So he has been arrested in Miami for smashing a fan's cell phone coming out of

a allegedly, allegedly coming out of a nightclub and, uh, got arrested in the good news is he got arrested five days after his probation, I think ended. So he did not get deported, but, uh, he did get arrested. Okay. So that's good. It's not, I'm a little bit woke that this might be an ad for Otterbox. What cooler thing than to be like, Hey, don't get your phone fucked up by UFC fighter, put it in Otterbox.

I just don't understand. Like Conor McGregor, dude, you are awesome. You're a champion. You have a ton of money. You need to just pay someone like $100,000 a year to just be the phone guy, to grab the phone guy. Like that is, that's what happens when you get to that level. Get Tom Brady's lawyer.

Yeah, he's pretty good at that. Just grab the phone and smash it. Yeah. And if you get, or if that guy gets arrested, you pay his bail in, in some countries it's considered, in Ireland, it's considered rude to not assault somebody. Mm hmm. It's like not taking your shoes off in Japan when you go to someone's house.

My question is cultural, cultural misunderstanding. The guy went to the cops the next day with what evidence? Oh, what took him so long to report it? What was he wearing? I have no idea. But he also, was he asking for it? I wonder how many phones he wanted to smash before his probation got, like it was a let up, because you know that he's been walking around being like, I'm

going to smash him phones, but I don't want to get deported. Then five days after that lapses, he's like, nice. That was definitely the first guy to take out a phone aggressively after that. Yeah. He's like, I've been fucking waiting for this. Did the phone tap or did he just crack? I don't know. It's like shot out to that phone.

That's pretty tough. Yeah, that is a tough phone. Yeah, I'll take the break. Yeah. I mean, that's, dude, I don't know. I wouldn't, if that happened to me, I'd probably, I'd probably just try to extort Conor McGregor or anyone famous. Yeah, you would get killed.

Yeah, that's true. He's, he, but we love him. We're Conor McGregor. We are, we are, but let's be honest. He's probably in the top five people that I would least like to extort. Okay. You're right. But if, so if it was someone else, if some rich athlete, like break my phone.

Uncle Becky's kid. Yeah. I'd be like, uh, okay. Well, let me get a mission into USC, please. There you go. Yeah. Thank you. I'll extort you for that.

Uh, Hank, guys on chicks, guys on chicks. Yes. Sub boys, especially future cat dad. Hank, not going to be a future cat dad. What's the best way to tell guys that I'm 28 and live with my parents? My shitty ex boyfriend, who is an AWL, by the way. I hope he hears this and feels shame. All caps shame, shame on you.

Still all of my money. Oh, so moving home was my only option. Or should I avoid dating until I move out? First of all, I'd like to ban that guy from listening to part of my take for one episode. Um, second of all, it's a very easy solution. You just say, Hey, can I sleep over? Yeah.

And then you just live with them because you're sleeping over every night. Or you just say that it's your house and you bought a house for your parents. There you go. That's pretty good too. Yeah. Also, we don't care. Guys don't care. No, really don't.

It's actually pretty cool for us that you live with your parents. And if you tell that story, the guys are going to be like, Oh, well, I can't be worse than that. So yeah, this is great. Honestly, like if, if I was dating a girl that lived at home with her parents at the age of 28 and her parents, you know, did everything for her, I'd just be like goals. Right.

That girl was goals AF. And all, yeah, like Hank said, though, all you got to do is just not steal all her money, steal some of her money, and you're still in the, in the clear. Uh, Hey, chalk boys, I signed up for a sugar daddy website to sell nudes to random guys for some extra money for spring break. My now, is it just called the internet? My now ex-boyfriend found out I was doing this and broke up with me. Was he right to dump me?

PS, all I had was their Snapchat username and knew nothing else about them. No, uh, well, yes, I, I do think that he was wrong to break up with you because, uh, he, honestly, you could always use an extra pair of hands to take the pictures of you. So you don't have to use the timer. You guys could have gone and business together. Yeah, you could have gone. Yeah.

I think that, but yeah. Right. Is it a pimp? Well, is it just snap? You're just snapping. Yeah, that's true. It's just snaps. Kid stuff.

Yeah. Hey, listen, you should do whatever you want. If you can take advantage of all the horny dudes on, on, on, uh, the internet to get your spring break trip, right? Go for it. I say absolutely go for it. It's the, that's just, that's just simple capitalism, supply and demand. When my boyfriend and I started dating, he said he was ready for a relationship.

It's been three months and now all of a sudden he doesn't have time to commit. Is this bullshit or what? He's not horny anymore. Yeah. That's it. You, you fucked him too much. Yeah. He's got no cum left.

That's on you. It's out. You dried up. It's gone. You dried his dick right up. Yeah. Just wait till it refills. You got a ration that shit out.

Yeah. Slow it down. Yeah. That's what they did to those dogs. No, they wouldn't run anymore. You're better than him. So kick him to the curb. Yeah.

I mean, honestly, it just sounds like he is, uh, he's not looking for it. Yeah. So you need to. Don't was. Yeah. He was, yeah, exactly. Cause all the cum's gone. Hi, PMT.

I, I wondering, I, I didn't read that wrong. Sure. I wondering your thoughts on anal bleaching. Does it make a difference to a guy? It has been very popular for porn stars, but now it's becoming more mainstream in the service menu at salons. Really? It tastes kind of funny.

Huh. Connie Lyric. Bleach on your shirt, right? Is it really? Yeah. Uh, you know what? I really don't, I don't have a preference. Yeah.

I think you do what you do yourself. You know what? I would say if you got a brown butthole, you let that star shine. Yeah. If you want to clean it up, if that makes you feel good, go for it. If you can't, you want to give me a piece of white China to eat my dinner off of. I'm not going to send it back. If you can't handle me at my poopy butthole, you don't deserve me at my

bleach asshole. Right? Yeah. Put that on your storyboard. Here's the problem. You're, you're absolutely right. If you start dating a guy and you've got a bleach butthole, if you ever decide not to bleach it, he'll think that you just got sick.

You take one week off. Yeah. And he's like, I told you not to eat that chili. Uh-huh. Oh, hey guys, especially thick cat. Stop. I've been with my six, eight boyfriend for almost three years now. Damn.

You met on Tinder. Explanation point. His dick is so big that it hurts a little during sex and a lot afterwards. Okay. Still the best dick I've ever received. But what do you recommend? Doesn't sound like you've had very good dick in that case. If it hurts, what would you do?

What would you do if sex is great but kills you afterwards? No. Love you all. Period. Go sports. Explanation point. Okay. Well, you also said that it hurts while you're having sex.

So, um, it sounds like you just haven't had sex. Doing it wrong. Yeah. Uh, yeah, we can't help with your fucking, you know, horse cock boyfriend. Sorry. I've got a look over the years. I've accumulated a lot of tips to tell girls about what to do and make my dick stop hurting them because it's so big, but I need to keep those to myself.

Sick brag about your horse cock boyfriend. All right. Last up. I want to have another baby. My husband says, hell no. How can I convince him to have another? P.S., we already have three ages, seven, six and five. I don't think Mrs.

Rivers, I don't think you trick him. Yeah. I don't think he has a say. Yeah. This is pretty easy. Just be like, Hey, great news. I'm back on birth control. Right.

Oops. The birth control must not have worked. This will be the last one. When is the best time to tell that my boy, when is the best time to tell my boyfriend that I'm not on birth control? We've had sex multiple times without a condom. But I also don't want him to ruin the fun by making him wear condom. Yeah.

Yesterday. Yeah. Yesterday is usually the best time to do that. When you're pregnant. Yeah. Yeah. When you're pregnant is probably the best time. Yeah.

Just say, listen, I don't know what happened. You know, these things aren't a hundred percent foolproof, you know, especially if you don't use some abstinence. Do you want to do that? No. Okay. So what's the safest way to fly? Take a train.

There we go. Don't let Albert Einstein fuck you. He's going to, or your cousin. Yeah. Cause he's going to get you super pregnant. All right. That's our show. We'll see everyone Friday.

Uh, we'll be talking some March madness. I think we have a couple of guests lined up for that. We'll see that. Love you guys. Oh, it's pardoning My Take! Presented by Barb Studios