Pardon My Take - David Ortiz, Dallas Braden, And Mt Rushmore Of Zoo Animals

Episode Date: July 20, 2018

Kawhi is a Toronto Raptor even though he doesn't like Toronto and doesn't want to play for the Raptors (2:40-9:10). College Football media day round up including the war on Fortnite and Larry Fedora defending the fall of Football (9:11-16:28). Mt Rushmore of Zoo Animals (16:29-25:47). David Ortiz joins the show to talk about being in the media + the story that he got a special prize for hitting triples in his last year on the Red Sox (27:30-36:00). Former A's Pitcher and host of Starting 9 Dallas Braden joins the show to preview Baseball's second half and do the Mt Rushmore of unwritten rules (37:58-57:20). Segments include PR 101 for the internet shaming Jimmy Garoppolo's date with a porn star (59:18-1:02:43), way to stay relevant Rob Manfred vs Mike Trout (1:02:44-1:04:28), Hurt or Injured Tiger Woods (1:04:29-1:07:37), and Jimbos of the week (1:07:38-1:15:31). You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/PardonMyTake

Hey, pardon my take listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen, ad-free, on Amazon Music. On today's part of my take, we have David Ortiz, Big Poppy. We had him on a few months ago, but we actually got to meet him in person at the All-Star game. Quick interview, because we were out in 100 degree heat in DC, a soup, we were in a soup and Big Poppy was doing a Kingsford, whatever it was, promotional thing, and we basically

got an ambush interview with him. And really fun though, he got to confirm something that you might want to listen to. And we also have Dallas Braden with the Mount Rushmore of Unwritten Baseball Rules. So do not tweet those, don't write those down. Don't send us any, because the second you write them to us, they become written. And then we also have the Mount Rushmore of Zoo Animals and the return of Jimbo's before we get to all of that. You know it, Cash App.

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Boy! Now in the streets there is violence, and then a lot of stuff worth to be done. No place to hang out or wash in, and then I can't blame all on the sun. Oh no, we're gonna rock down to electric high value, and then we'll take it higher. Oh, we're gonna rock down to electric high value, and then we'll take it higher. Welcome to Part of My Take presented by SeekGeek. Today is Friday, July 20th. PFT, have you heard this one?

I don't know yet, you haven't said the joke yet. The Raptors finally got their LeBron stopper. Oh, that's pretty good. That's pretty good, right? Yeah, yeah. That's pretty good. He's honored, you know, traded from the Spurs to the Raptors. The big news, usually there's no news right now during the calendar year for sports,

but Kawhi is now a Toronto Raptor, maybe, because he allegedly hates Toronto, went to the All-Star game a couple years ago, never left his hotel room, doesn't want to play for the Raptors, but for right now he's a Raptor. Kawhi strikes me as a guy that doesn't really leave the hotel room at all anyways. Yes. He just sits there. No dude, you don't know, he's a really budding personality. He'll let him, you know, flower out there.

I can imagine that Kawhi, he sits down, he turns on his hotel TV, and it's on, like, the default station in the top right-hand corner, the rest of it's the TV guide, and he just watches the default station in the corner the whole time without him changing the channel. Yeah, he watches, like, best places to eat in the city. And it's just, like, the music that you hear when they're telling you how to put your seatbelt on a plane. It's a commercial for the hotel bar that's downstairs. He's just chilling there, watching the whole thing.

That burger looks pretty good. I'm not going to go get it, because that would mean I'd have to leave my room, but it does look good. This time of year, I don't know. Yeah, I think, you know, in theory, he might be a good fit for the Raptors, because whatever they were doing before wasn't working. Well, that's worth a shot, right? I mean, everyone's going to say, well, Kawhi's going to leave after a year, and sure, he probably will, but I actually like this move for the Raptors,

because you couldn't, after you lose to LeBron, 4-0 in your best season in franchise history. I don't fact check that, but I'm just going to assume it was. And everyone says these guys are a mental mess. DeMarco Rosen didn't even play in game three in crunch time. You need to do something different. Kawhi is, if he's healthy, which I assume he is, is a top five NBA player, and now you have one of the best defenses in the NBA, and you're going to take a shot in the east when LeBron's no longer there.

Yeah, the east sucks. They've got the Celtics. That's pretty much it. The Celtics and the Sixers, and what's the, the thing I like about what the Raptors are doing is, the worst that can happen is Kawhi walks, or maybe Kawhi is a malcontent, and you have to trade, you can trade him for an asset at the trade deadline. Maybe the Lakers are like, we need Kawhi right now, and you're rebuilding, which you were going to have to do anyway if you kept that core together. Right, and why would Popovich ever send him to Los Angeles? Right.

Why was that ever even something that was, like the only reason that he was going to send him to Los Angeles, and everyone's mind was because Popovich likes Kawhi and wanted to do him a favor, but Popovich also isn't dumb, and he wasn't like, I'm going to make the Lakers really, really good, because Popovich has that, he's got that four or five seed, like pretty much locked in for himself year after year. Well, that's the part of the trade that, it was clearly that Pop is like, I'm not going to be, I'm not going to be coaching for the five years. You know what I mean? I'm not going to coach for another five years, so I don't want to rebuild.

So the, the Spurs probably got the worst part of this trade because Tamara Rosen, okay, he's a nice player, but he's obviously not Kawhi, and you didn't get, you know, top draft picks, and you had to give up Danny Green too. The weirdest thing is the Spurs. If you had asked 10 years ago in 2018 who would still be left on the Spurs, and your answer was Manu, that's weird. Like Tony Parker's now a Charlotte Hornet, Tim Duncan obviously retired, and now Kawhi is on the Raptors. Manu is the last of the Old Guard,

and the other interesting thing is LeBron is basically stuck now this year, which I kind of, it's actually a smart move by the Lakers to be like, we're not going to overextend for 2019, we're not going to trade our young guys when everyone's going to be a free agent next year, but it still is funny because if the Raptors, if Kawhi somehow falls in love with Toronto, that would be twice that happened where they're like, oh, Paul George is going to go to Oklahoma City, he'll just come to the Lakers, and it didn't happen, would be awesome.

Who's the coach of the Raptors? Nick Nurse, never heard of him. That's right, Nick Nurse, the new Joe. I don't know his name's Nick, but it's Nurse. Yeah, the new Joe Prunty. Yes. Okay, what a gift for that guy, huh? Yeah, so trying to figure out if Kawhi...

Kawhi's going to, he's going to take advantage of the access to the did-did-is up there. Oh yeah, Kawhi also needs like maybe the biggest PR 101 ever, because he's gone from, we don't get enough credit for being the best player, we need a big issue deal to everyone hates Kawhi because he just sat out and now got traded to the Raptors, and basically he's telling everyone he doesn't want to play for the Raptors either. Yeah, all he has to do is just hang out with Drake a couple of times, and all will be forgotten.

I really want to see Kawhi not like, I would love if Kawhi's uncle didn't read the fine print, and was like, Kawhi's sitting out, and then not realizing that if you sit out, you don't become a free agent, which is a rule in the NBA, and then Kawhi just becomes a free, you know, has to stay for the Raptors and keeps doing it. Kawhi might never play another game of basketball. One percent. So he might, is there, are we giving any credit to the fact that maybe he's actually hurt? No, I mean I think he was hurt, but I think a quad injury doesn't take nine months or whatever it is to heal.

So I think he was hurt, I think he just for some reason didn't want to be a spur anymore, and now we're here with Kawhi on the Raptors. See, I did think that this threw a monkey wrench into my whole theory that he was, or that he was a conservative, that Pop was a liberal, and so Kawhi left. But I did some research on Toronto politics. They just elected a conservative government up in the Toronto City Council. So maybe Kawhi was like, I like this conservative Canada thing. Let's give it a shot. If you want to move from a liberal organization to a conservative one, you leave Texas and you go to Canada.

By the way, have you seen Kawhi Leonard's logo? You know how Kawhi Leonard's got a logo? Yeah, it's the worst logo ever. Is it just, is it a book? I'm going to show it to you, and you just give me live reaction to looking at Kawhi Leonard's logo for the first time. Okay, it's a yellow light. Oh, it's a hand. The K and an L. That's the worst logo ever.

Oh wow. Yeah, so Kawhi's uncle, maybe start there. Start with a new logo that doesn't look like a kindergartner made a turkey with their hand right before Thanksgiving. I think it's pretty good. No, you don't. Yeah, turn it upside down and it's actually perfect cow water. Yes, yeah, so Kawhi is a raptor.

Hey, he's really milking this one. Get it? Get it? All right, so we have also Media Day Roundup for the SEC Media Day. Did ACC go as well? Yeah, ACC went. Basically all the big conferences, Big Tens Monday. Big 12 went.

So yeah, it got off to just a hell of a start. First of all, with Coach O, just getting up there and dominating. Everybody loves Coach O, of course, and he was just admitting he made a mistake with Canada, much like the Spurs and Kawhi Leonard. Yes. But he hired Matt Canada last year to run an offense. It was too exotic for him, so he got rid of that guy, brought back the old dude, which means they're just going to be running dives, three dives in a row and then a jet sweep.

Wouldn't want any other way? That's Coach O football. Wouldn't want any other way? Because you know what, in LSU, because they do every five yards for the marker, it does feel like you're gaining more yards when you run a three yard dive. Yes, absolutely. It feels like your offense is really humming. That is very, very true.

It's like a magic eye thing. Plus, they got a good quarterback this time. So we've said that a lot about LSU, but this is the year. I think they should actually just let Mike the Tiger be the offensive coordinator. Just do it by little bowls of kibble in front of him, whichever one he picks. Run or run inside or run outside. Yeah, that's what the bowls say. Yeah, it's just two slabs of meat.

We also have, which I think we can all agree, the big story of the 2018 college football season is going to be coaches being mad about Fortnite. Yes. I think that is going to be the big overarching story every single week. It's going to be like these damn Fortnite. So you had Mike Gundy who said the kids would rather play Fortnite than be farmers. I can't believe that. What a dumb generation.

So wait, these kids these days would rather eat a hamburger than eat a spoonful of grits. Yes. Like our grandparents used to do. Yes. They were happy about it. Steve Adasio said, I don't know if it's Fortnite or Schmortnite. Does that have something to do with football? Heck, I don't know.

So that's going to be, there's going to be a lot of that. The Bill Belichick snap face, my book, all that stuff, just mispronouncing Fortnite. Whatever it is, every single coach in America has probably had a sit down meeting with their staff and be like, how are we going to deal with Fortnite? Yeah, incorporate Fortnite. Well, we talked to Tom Kreen about that, didn't we? About how to incorporate Fortnite into landing some bigger recruits. Yeah.

I'm going to make a prediction. I'm going to try to call my shot. Dabo is going to be the first one to ever win a game of Fortnite. To embrace Fortnite? To be number one, to battle Royale number one. He's going to start playing and being like, check it out, guys. I play Fortnite like you do. I'm going to go with, that's not a bad pick.

I think maybe Scott Frost. Okay. Jim Harbaugh is a sneaky dark horse there. Yeah, if you, listen, if you get Jim Harbaugh in front of a TV and teach him how to play, he will not turn the machine off until he wins. Or he seems like a big controller breaker. Yeah, you gotta have a couple on deck, but that's fine. We also had Larry Fedora, the most intimidating man in football, declare that football is

under attack. And if we lose football, hold on, let me pull up the exact quote. I fear the game will be pushed so far from what we know that we won't recognize it in 10 years. And if it does, our country will go down too. I actually, I know he got dragged online for this because he also, I think, said CT is not real. Well, and then he also said that we have football to prepare kids to join the military.

Okay. That's why our military is so good. Right. So I, I mean, I'm happy that Larry Fedora is out there because you need someone to be out there, like, you know, the town crier being like, don't take away football. Yeah. You know, because if we don't have that, will people, you know, the Mike Greenberg is the world, we're going to start playing flag football every day.

Well, I wouldn't let Mike Greenberg's son play football just knowing what I know about the genetics there. Yes, I would agree. But Larry Fedora, yeah, he, I guess he got confused about what the draft is when he was saying that like college football prepares young men to serve in the military. Yep. But he kind of is onto something because, you know, our McDonald's theory that we invented on this show about how no countries that have invented that have ever gone to war.

I sat back. I crunched the numbers. No two countries that have American football have ever gone to war with each other. What are the countries that have American football? It's us. China. China. Mexico.

Yep. Canada. Well, they have Canadian football. Yeah, I guess. Yeah, same thing. And that's basically it. Okay. What about NFL Europe when they had?

Well, they don't have it anymore. Okay. So, all right. So, yeah, we're good. You're absolutely right. Do you think Larry Fedora is wrong? About what? Everything.

I wouldn't say that to his face. Okay. Agreed. Agreed. I like, I, by the way, you can't just go around disagreeing with somebody named Larry Fedora. No. That is the coolest name of all time.

It was just such a classic, like, I know he's being dramatic. I know he's being over the top, but football has changed and I listen, our recurring guests who we like to have fun with a lot because he's somewhat of a douchebag. Oh, how do you say it? Danny Cannell. Yeah, Danny Cannell. Provocateur. Provocateur slash douchebag.

Danny Cannell who we actually like, but he makes the point often and I agree with it. You can't like at some point football is football and you just can't keep like changing the game. You're going to be a fully safe game. And if you expect it to be, you're going to have to find another sport because it just never will. So while Larry Fedora is a little out of a little over the top, you are circulated that much better than Larry.

Right. Larry Fedora is a little over the top. I understand his underlying premise that if you keep changing the rules year after year, eventually we're going to get to a point where you're basically just not playing football. Yeah. Well, I mean, and the stats back them up because UNC football has been just a buzzsaw. Wait.

Oh, no, wait. They weren't like for, well, for games. Ever since the Cale Presley curse. That's true. Yeah. Ever since. When you're getting shown up by Duke, you got a problem. Yeah.

Yeah. That's true. That's true. All right. So, oh, by the way, that was the last one. What's his name? David Cutcliffe. Yeah.

For the Duke head coach, he said people forget that the punt is actually an offensive play. It is. Yeah. The punt is perhaps the most exciting in the offensive play. I love media day. It's just, I mean, just basically all your coaches have been like stewing in the off season with all their hot tanks. Makes confused how a punt can be an offensive play.

Well, it gains yards. It gains yards, buddy. It's an offensive play that just switches your offense to being off the field. It's like a big turnover. Yeah. It's a glass half full thing because, no, the people who don't like puns say you're just turning the ball over. Well, no, you are turning the ball over, but you're gaining a shitload of yards.

So they talk about puns in offensive meetings. Yes. Special teams. Yes. At Duke, yes. Also, you can't turn the ball over if you don't have it. So it's actually better for your opponent to have the ball. Yeah.

Oh, last story. Should we... You're kind of a football guy. You probably don't even get that, no. We probably don't even mention this because this is like, is the sky blue? Yes. Nick Saban blamed the media for fabricating a quarterback controversy at Alabama. Yeah.

It's going to be... It's fucking rat poison media. Add it again. It's too... Job to lose. Yeah. Well, is it? Yes.

Jalen Hertz won a lot of games. He did. He did. He went 10-0, right? Nick Saban is going to have us killed for this 30-second discussion. Yeah. Is that a Berman's nickname for Tua? No.

Tua, good to be Tua. Oh, that's good. That's really good. Not as good as Tua. No, no. Not as good. All right. Let's do our Mount Rushmore before we get to Big Poppy in Dallas, Brayden.

We are doing the Mount Rushmore of zoo animals. This is going to be a hot one because I take my zoo animals... Would you say it's going to be contentious? There are a lot of sweet princes that we have to get around to here. I'll put it that way. Okay. Well, if it's going to be a hot one, why don't you start? I'll go second and then Hank go third.

Right off the bat, I'm going gorillas. Gorillas are great for so many reasons. Have you ever looked into a gorilla's eyes in the zoo when they make eye contact with you? I haven't been able to in three years. It is a life-changing conversation. If you can get past the tears that are flowing out of them, it is a life-changing event. Okay.

I'm going to go with the king of the jungle, a lion. Okay. Beautiful. Can I throw a flag? Yeah. I like lions. Don't get me wrong. I love lions just every time you see them that are asleep.

But when they're up every now and then and trying to kill someone, pretty cool. Yeah. Lion is definitely at the top of the list of animal that would probably kill the zookeeper if he hadn't had his lunch. Did you see the video of the two silver-backed gorillas fighting a year ago? They're just slamming into each other, just punching each other in the face. And somebody you can hear behind the camera goes, somebody get the zookeeper in there. What the fuck do you think the zookeeper is going to do?

I also like lions because it is kind of funny to watch a lion and be like, oh, that looks like a house cat. They have the same manner. You know what I mean? They sleep all the time. They stretch the same way and they're like, yeah, but it could just rip your head off in a minute. Watching a lion lick its paw and then wipe its head with its paw is pretty fucking cool.

Hank, go ahead. I'll continue with the theme of cool animals that sleep a lot and go with koala bears. Very cool. They sleep 20 hours a day. Yes. Yes, very cool animals. But also have chlamydia. Really?

Yeah. All koalas have chlamydia. They have too much reembuncture 6. And it's quite the same. They have a severe problem using protection. Their wheelies are too small to fit the rubber on the exterior of the penis. So lots of chlamydia gonorrhea. HPV is off the charts.

So never suck a koala's dick is what we learned today. No, you can't get chlamydia from sucking. You can suck all the koala's dicks you want. No. Don't let them penetrate. Okay, got it, got it. Okay. My number two, definitely the most entertaining zoo animal penguins.

Yeah. When penguins are running around, like a penguin diving into the water is just pure joy. Now is that a zoo or an aquarium? No. What? Penguins are in the zoo. Okay. All right.

Yeah. No, I mean, they're also in an aquarium. I didn't know. I'm just throwing that out there. I was just asking. I thought the Maroshimo was animals. No, it's zoo animals. I'm laudableing over here.

No, penguins, I'm going to allow that. Okay. I'm in indoor in aquariums, but they had the outdoor setup. Yeah. Okay. I was just asking the question. You know what I think? You know what I think?

I like about penguins even more than watching them dive, watching them trip and fall. They're so funny when they fall over. Yeah. All right. I'm going to go with panda. Yep. Pandas are awesome. Yep.

They're really cool. And there's not many of them. No. And when they have sex, no, there are tons of them. And when they have sex, though, it's a huge deal. Huge deal. Remember that meme? It's worldwide news.

The panda o-face? Yeah. And that one panda that has sired like 900 offspring. Yeah. Yeah, the fucking panda. He's just the world chamberlain of pandas. I love it. The only downside to pandas is they're so cool that there's always a big line to go see

them. Yeah. But they eat that bamboo. It's so cute. It is cute. Yeah. Pandas in the snow when they like tumble down the hill. Yeah.

That's a good choice. The best. Okay. I got two. So I'm going to go with tigers. Okay. Tiger stripes. I think tigers are greater than lions also.

Yeah. But the king of the jungle. Yeah. The king of the jungle. No, but a tiger would defeat a lion if they faced off. Okay. King of the jungle. So I'm going tigers, and then I'm going elephants.

Love the elephant house. They're just so big. The way that they eat the trees with their trunks and then put it in their mouths, they like cuddle with their little baby elephants that are walking around. Baby elephants might be one of the cutest animals in the world, too. Yeah. Elephants are cool, but they don't really do much. They just hang out.

What do you mean? They walk around? Yeah. They eat trees? There's an elephant shit. That's a sight to see. Yeah. I guess that's cool.

What do you mean they drink water through their hose and they spray it up in the air and out of joy? Yeah. They're talking about the circus elephants. No. That's what elephants do. I'm not talking about the elephants that are just trapped in there. That's show all the time.

That's what elephants do. Also, as we've discussed on the show, an elephant would be probably the best animal in the whole kingdom at performing cunnilingus. Anteater? I'd say proportionally. But an anteater can get into any situation, you know what I mean? You have a little more flexibility. The elephant, you have to basically play to the elephant's strengths in terms of positioning.

But I don't think that anteaters can, I don't think that they literally suck and they have that whole thing. They could do everything. No. An anteater is literally, it's like a fucking raccoon walking around with a dick on its face. It's probably very tough to access an anteater's vagina given the body shape. Wait, I thought you meant the anteater was doing that?

They're very low to the ground. No, the anteater's doing the... To each other. Yeah. Well, I'm saying to anything. From... Yeah, to anything. The anteater, you just walk around with an anteater like a soup case and you're just

like, here you go. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, so the anteater is nature's flesh light. Yes. Exactly. And the bullfrog. Yes.

As we've established. Yes. We've talked a lot about that on the show. Fucked up video. All right. The more badass elephant, the rhino. Love rhinos. Okay.

They're basically dinosaurs. They don't do anything. Yeah, they do. They're fucking dinosaurs. They're like, holy shit. Look at that guy. Look at the rhino. And the cutest animal in land before time, a rhino.

No. A rhino is basically an elephant with a 40 year coke problem. No. And his nose is calcium. Rhino's are awesome. And they're almost extinct. So, cherish your rhino time, folks. All right, Hank.

You got two? I got two. I'll go with the giraffe. Okay. The coolest animal out there, just most interesting to figure out where the fuck did a giraffe come from. Actually, getting head from a giraffe would be pretty incredible. The giraffes are pretty good.

Deepest throat in the animal kingdom. Although, the giraffe's kind of remind me of Kevin Durant. Also, just the expression higher than giraffe pussy is just a great expression. Yep. That's good. Also, their spots are pretty cool. They don't get enough credit for being spotted. True.

And then I'll go with chimpanzee. That's a good one. That's a good one. It seems like the friendliest of all the monkey family. Do you pay attention to the news? No. You remember when that chimp tore the lady's hands off in her face? Yeah.

There's a couple of bad eggs. There's a couple of bad eggs on each side. It happens. I like my chimpanzees wearing diapers and smoking cigarettes, not swinging around from trees. All right. My last one, I'm going to go with the polar bear. Polar bears are fucking awesome.

They swim. They do everything. No. That's a zoo. That's a zoo. It's just as much a zoo as a penguin would be. So a polar bear, and usually the polar bear, I feel like the polar bear on average gets the biggest tank and the most cool, like it has the water, it has, you know, the land

and all that stuff. It has a really cool area, the polar bear, because I think polar bears are like some of the smartest animals, so they're probably depressed as fuck. Yeah. They are definitely well aware of their state being incarcerated. Yeah. This sucks a lot. Okay.

All right. Okay. Here's the thing. I had, for my last one, I was going to select bears. I think I'm going to stick with bears because polar bear is kind of a niche. Well, you got to go with grizzly bear. Okay. They are like giant dogs.

They remind me. What's the difference between a grizzly and a black bear? They remind me. They're much bigger. Yeah. They catch salmon that leap out of the water. You can be friends with a grizzly. In a zoo?

In a zoo? Yes. Absolutely in a zoo. They're more standing up on their hind legs and they're like nine feet tall, ten feet tall. Okay. They're just cool animals. They remind me of Leroy a little bit.

Oh, okay. All right. Real relatable. All right. What do you say, Hank? Would the bald eagle have counted? Yeah. Yeah.

Like a hawk? If you wanted to really throw it and ruin your own Mount Rushmore, then you should have definitely selected a bird. I mean, bald eagle is the mascot of our country. Oh, so you like imprisoning the mascot of our country? No. Let it run free. I did miss is flamingos are cool.

Hippos. Hippos are cool. They're very cool. Zebras, awesome. Although they're kind of just like, seen a horse, seen a horse, right? And they're also refs. Huge turtles. Not little turtles, huge turtles.

Those are like dinosaurs as well. What about the baboons with their weird big butts? The big butt. Like misshapen butts. I think they have chlamydia. I think the koalas have been fucking baboons for generations. That's why their butts are like red and distorted. Yeah.

Real thick. I'm trying to think what else we missed. Seals and sea lions can be cool sometimes. I don't know if that's aquarium though. No, that's the like that's aquarium. That's zoo. I guess I haven't been to a zoo in a really long time. You got to go back, man.

Yeah. You got to go back before it becomes so un-PC that we shut down all the zoos. They do kind of depress you. I went to a zoo in Latvia in the middle of winter and it was the most depressing thing I've ever seen. Were the bears like smoking cigarettes and shit? There wasn't a single soul of a human being there besides me and Clem and all the animals were just super depressed.

The animals were like, why are you even here looking at this? Fuck. Fuck. All right. Let's get to our interviews. We have Big Poppy. So we only got Big Poppy. How long was it?

Seven minutes? Yeah. So basically what happened was we got Big Poppy during a Kingsford promotional thing he was doing. It was 100 degrees. We were standing in a wiffle ball field with no outlet to plug our mics in. But even still, Big Poppy's a fucking man because he was so down to get interviewed and he also, we got some clarification on a really funny story from him.

And then we also have Dallas Braden and the Mount Rushmore of Unwritten Baseball Rules and Dallas also gives us a little tip on what's going to happen in the second half of the baseball season. Before we do all of that, 18 birdies. So we've talked about these guys before, 18 birdies. It is a great app. The rules of golf are changing. No, you can't pick up the ball and throw it out of the sand trap.

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Welcome to your game. All right. Here he is. It is big poppy than Dallas Braden. All right. We're here at the Kingsford BBQ Playball Field with David Ortiz, big poppy. Kingsford has been gracious enough to have us out. Well, let's start with that.

Let's start with the Kingsford question. What's your favorite type of barbecue to eat? Ribs. I like to make ribs all day, every day. Okay. Ribs, ribs and more ribs. Do grill ribs or do you just eat them? Both.

Yeah? Yeah. You know, make sure I do the flip, make sure they cook real well and then sit down and crush it. How do you like to eat your steak? You like it medium rare? Middle rare. Yeah.

That's the right way to do it. Medium rare plus. No, medium rare is the right way to do it. So now that you're in the media, do you still hate, like, do you still hate the Yankees as much as you hate them when you're playing them or do you have to be a little bit more impartial because you're covering everyone? It wasn't a hate, you know, because I don't hate anybody. It was competition.

I want to be the best when I was on the field. I want to beat them because they were the opposition. But hate isn't a strong word, you know, like, hate means something, you could say hate. I tell my kids, I don't like when they say hate. Okay. Hate is not in my vocabulary much. I just want to beat them badly, but hate that means you do something that you don't like anything at all.

Right. I have a lot of friends that play for the Yankees. Right. Your friends are the A-Rod. That's what I would say. Yeah. I had to work with A-Rod all the time now. Yeah.

You know how that goes. I work for his company, A-Rod Corp. So what do you like working for him? He's a great boss. I'm going to tell you, me and A-Rod, we go way back. We know each other for a long time. And I respect him the most, he's respected me. So it's something that's how it works, you know, I never tell anyone I want you to be

my way. I like it the way you are, and that's the way you can get along with people, you know. He's a smart guy. He do a lot of good things. He got his own company you work for. Yeah, I work for it. Yeah. He's a good family man, I mean, what else, you know.

Great business man. Yeah. Great, great business man. So the Red Sox are obviously on quite a tear this year. Now that you're in the media, you have to make guarantees and predictions. You're going to guarantee the Red Sox World Series this year? Yeah. Oh, heard here first?

Have you said that before? Oh yeah. No, pretend you haven't said that before. That's the exclusive. Okay. First reported. First reported. At the first reported, I called the Red Sox Worcestershire Shamp.

Okay, all right. It's done. First reported by Big Poppy. Yeah. Now, let me ask you guys a question. Yes. Oh, you're flipping the script off. Yeah, there we go.

Yeah. I got a question for y'all. Yeah. If you're still working for the Red Sox, who will you call World Champion? What do you mean? Well, that's right. You're still getting a paycheck. Oh, yeah.

True. True. Okay. Good point. That's a good point. Bringing up the price. Full disclosure. Besides the thing being good, of course I want the Red Sox to win the World Series.

Yeah, yeah. The Red Sox is not turning to propaganda. Yeah. Okay, that's a fair point. I like it. That's a fair point. I like it. That's fair point.

We still got the exclusive. Who's coming in second? The Yankees. Okay. Red Sox Yankees. The Yankees are the one team, you know, going back and forth with the Red Sox. So it's going to be in between the two of them. Yeah.

Absolutely. Yeah. I mean, that's a fair. I mean, the Astros are pretty damn good. They kind of did World Series. Well, the Astros are in another division and that's going to come, you know, towards the end, basically. Yeah.

Who will go for the American League Championship? Well, do you find yourself still watching baseball games or are you like, wow, this game is actually really fucking boring to watch on television? There's some games that are kind of boring, but like I was in a really fun game yesterday. Yeah. That future game was fun. Yeah. That's what the game should be.

You know, that's how every game should be. Very fun, entertaining to the fans, you know, have fun watching it. Right. You were always a really fun guy to watch. I remember your eyes would just light up, especially when you'd ever hit a triple. When you hit a triple, I noticed that you got really, really excited about that. I thought that was always fun to watch. My wife made me some offer.

Yeah. Behind the scenes. Yeah. That's why I always want to accomplish a triple. One game, I hit two. Yeah. I don't know if you remember that. Yeah.

My wife take off running. She was like, hell no. No, that's too much. That's too much. That's great. I just got to buy one of those donut pillows. Yeah. When you guys were, when you were in a slump in baseball, was there anything that you

would use, maybe your teammates or anything to get out of the slump? Oh man, there's so many things that you would like to try when you're going through the slump. Because the slump seems like you there forever. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. I've been in a slump for 33 years. See?

Yeah. See? That's how it feel like when you go in a slump in baseball for about a week. Yeah. I know. You know what I'm saying? But you try different things. Some guys are very superstitious.

They want to try different meals. You know, they want to try different girls, and you're just kidding. Pedro Martinez. Kevin Moore told us Pedro Martinez had some time slump. I don't know. By doing something on his shoulder. You got to wipe that thing off. Shoulder.

I don't know. Yeah. You want to do different things, seriously. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Let's leave it out that way. Yeah.

We'll leave it that way. I know what you're saying. There's a pretty clutch guy, so he's down there, you know, pulling all the levers for the Morrillans. You have any interest in being like a team owner, just like calling all the shots for a team? That'll be awesome, you know, being able to do that, but there's nothing for sale out there right now, so.

Not with that attitude. Wow. What about your Packerfin? Why don't you get a stock in the Packerfin? Hold on. Let me make myself clear. Let me make myself clear. My wife is the Packerfin.

Yeah. I'm a patriot. You're a Packerfin whenever you hit a triple, though. Well, yeah. Hold on. I'm a Packerfin when the Packers are playing against somebody else. Okay, so what if the Packers play the Patriots in the Super Bowl, and your wife's like, no triple rewards if you root for the Patriots?

So, it will be me watching the game song without, away from my wife. Okay. All right. All right. That's smart. That's a smart man right there. Do you stay in touch at all with any of the guys on the Patriots? You talk to Grant?

Yeah, I talk to Grant sometime. Do you know me and Grant? We do a lot of things together. Brady, I got too busy for me. Oh. Did you lose this time? Just love this phone number. I got it somewhere.

He smashed his phone, so you don't have the new one. I just like the champ to get prepared for the next season. Yeah. I'm just living alone. Matter of fact, I talk more to the owner of the Patriots than anybody else. Oh, really? Yeah. Interesting.

So, maybe... My man. Craft is my man. Okay. I have a question for me. Who's the hardest pitcher that you've ever faced? I don't know if I've asked you this. You've been on the show once, but I don't think I've asked you this.

Yeah. Who's the hardest pitcher you ever had to face? We ended up playing together, Pedro Martinez. Oh, I think you did it. So, give me another answer then. Give me a different answer. Different one. Mariano Rivera was pretty nasty.

Okay. Okay. Seat key question. Promo code TAKE. Interpromo code TAKE. Get 10 bucks off your seat. Who's the easiest pitcher that you ever had to face? I got to look at my numbers.

Who's the one guy when you saw he was starting, you licked your chops and you said, all right, honey, you're going to be on the hot seat later on tonight because I'm getting at least one triple. You know, it was a lot of guys that they get you out. You hit really well against them, you know, back and forth, but I don't have one on the tip of my tongue right now. Okay. All right.

Well, I mean, we'll go back to that. Andy Pettit and Mike Mussina. Yeah. He did pretty well against those guys. They did okay, right? Yeah. Yeah, but Mike Mussina gave me a hard time at the beginning of my career. That's when he was using steroids, though.

So you had the last laugh. Yeah. All right. David Ortiz, big poppy. Thank you so much. Thanks to Kingsford. Appreciate it. And enjoy the all-star game.

You know what is bad about this interview right here? What? Nothing. Not my wife. A million degrees. Oh, she does. Oh, no. She's always taking up on you guys.

So we'll make sure. Yeah, yeah. We'll make sure. Hey, we're going to run this interview today. Make sure you take her for, you know, like maybe a spa day or something. Yeah. All right. Thank you.

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up the grill. It's summertime bitches. I just made that last part up. Nice. That was good. And now for something completely different. All right, we now welcome on our very good friend. He is the host of starting nine, the podcast, the show.

He also pretends to be a color commentator for the Oakland A's who gives a shit. It is Dallas Braden, one time no hitter thrower, Dallas. How's it going? Yeah, I've never, again, like if you guys want that list on the no hitters, I can get Jay Hay on that, but I don't, I don't even know about that list. I'm not really good to see you guys. Oh, okay. Three or no hitter though.

Correct. No. All right. Well, we don't have to revisit that. So we're in Washington, D.C. for the all star game. Before we do, we're going to do the Mount Rushmore of unwritten rules in baseball. And before we do that, why do you smell like shrimp? How come you smell like shrimp?

I've had a lot of shrimp. I've had a lot of seafood in the last two days and I'm also sweaty. So I think we're allergic to shellfish, actually, because we've just been smelling like, like shrimp and soft shell crab this whole time. I mean, that's not just being allergic. Maybe that's just not bathing. You smell like weed. It's what it's, it's legal here.

Oh, okay. Yeah. It's in the crowd. Got it. Got it. It was around the people. All right. So before we do the Mount Rushmore of unwritten rules in baseball, give us like one or two

hot takes for the second half. Like what's going to happen that we can be like, oh, wow, Dallas Braden predicted it. Please credit part of my take. We're going to call me a Homer, but I mean, pardon my take. The Oakland A's will happen to creep into that wild card spot in the A.L. The Oakland A's will be playing meaningful and potential postseason baseball come the finish of September. No, actually we're actually Maggie May guys.

Okay, so what come back? Yeah. It's late September and the Oakland A's have choked again. Yes. No, no, no, why? Billy Bean still can't win. The post. We're going to make moves.

There's going to be a move. What do you mean still? Of course he's still around. I don't know. Like Fat Puppy Fart when he can't get these counters. Billy Bean is still around. That one guy has stretched like two good seasons to entire career. Like good for him.

One Michael Lewis book. Yeah. He made his career. Well, his playing career, like my playing career was better than his playing career and my playing career was not great, but I let him know that. I let him know that I had one good day. How come nobody, when they talk about moneyball, nobody talks about the fact that they had Mark Mulder, Barry Zito.

It's a crime. It's a crime against humanity. Yeah. And Miguel Tarrada. Dick Fing. They also had the... Crime against humanity. Yeah.

Yeah. There was no love in the movie. But they also had... PFT, no love. They also had Jeremy Giambi. So that's why he's a genius. You gotta get down. You gotta get down.

Nothing better than Barry Zito's... You gotta get down. Nothing better than Barry Zito's curveball. Amazing. Yes. It falls off the shelf. Huge hammer, tremendous curveball. Barry Zito one of my favorites.

I love watching... Barry Zito made me want to be a lefty. Yeah. Can you imagine watching Barry Zito in today's raised stitch era? Oh, God. Jesus. I thought it would be killing war. And then when it got...

And then towards the end of his career, when he signed the big contract with the Giants and everyone was like, oh, here comes Barry Zito's curveball 70 miles an hour. Yeah. If Zito got the big... If he got the big seams, it would sound like Zaw running through a cornfield. I like that. You know what? Just coming in.

Barry Zito is right up there with like Barry Sanders for me. Like, I always have it in the back of my mind. Like, if some team signed Barry Zito tomorrow, I'd be like, maybe he can come up there and then throw that thing 12 to 6. You should probably get off that. Well, he did that. That's where he signed a ridiculous contract. So he became way overrated.

And then he was like, just stuck around long enough. People are like, he's kind of underrated. Barry Zito. He's like, he's giving you innings. He's an innings eater. Well, what happened? What happened? What happened?

What happened with Zito is he showed up in San Francisco after netting 125 mil cool and was like, hey, check out my camera and my sweet new... My sweet new mechanics. Yeah. He had completely different mechanics that he was working out just kicking the tires on. Barry, sir, 125 million reasons I'm going to need you to put that fucking camera away and just get back to the Cy Young form that we'd signed you for.

How many rings does he have? Two. One? Two. Two rings. Damn, Barry Zito. Get for him. What a life.

Oh, man. Yeah. Love Barry Zito. Hey, did you ever have Tommy John searchers? I did not have Tommy John searchers. I would have appreciated Tommy John. I would have appreciated Tommy John. Why did you not give enough effort to tear a ligament?

I did. I just started at the top of the pinnacle of the arm with the shoulder. So I just went ahead and shredded that some bitch three different times. The pain was so insurmountable it didn't even have time to make it down to the elbow. You know what you should do? What should I do? Because you can't throw lefty, obviously. Right.

I can't do that. You should be like, we should get some headlines, Dallas Braid and trying to make a comeback throwing righty. Oh, I thought... He's learned how to pitch righty and this guy has the talent. Can he put it all together? Just get yourself... I can pitch period pecan, sorry, big cat.

I can pitch because that's just something that's in the DNA. You know what I mean? Like royalty, royalty and pitching. I've seen Braid and Spombs, Twitter handles, so I know you can pitch. It's what I do. So I can just throwing right handed would be the achievement. What about making a comeback as a knuckleball? I couldn't even...

Like I said, I can barely wipe my ass on days without tearing shit. That's not... You don't need to be able to... Yeah. Someone say that you're actually better if you... I would like it. I've got a sweet little booper too. It's the bidet, it appreciates the bidet.

Of course you're a bidet guy. You can throw a shitball. Why wouldn't I be a bidet guy? Because you're a collie guy. Come on. Imagine how bad that thing would bite. Like if you had a little smear, like a little skid mark on the ball. I used to use resin.

Oh, you cheated. So you cheated. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, I mean, I've put that on national television. Oh, okay. That's a good segue. No, I tried is what I didn't do. That's a great segue.

That's a great segue to Mount Rushmore of Unwritten Rules. Are you a fan of Unwritten Rules? I am a fan of Unwritten Rules. I am. I believe there's some that are highly more sensitive and silly than others. But for the most part, what I believe Unwritten Rules do are provide a sort of policing that players on the whole can either understand at the minimum, even if they're not on board with, they kind of have an idea of why this is happening.

Why am I getting... You're not. Why am I getting drilled right now? That's why. Okay. All right. So let's do it. There's a little warning.

If you write these down, Dallas Braden will come to your house and kick your ass. So you're not writing... Yeah. You bring up a good point, Hank, when we make the Mount Rushmore on Twitter, you're not actually allowed to write them down underneath our names because then they become rules. It would just be blank spaces. Yeah. All right, Dallas, why don't you start?

We're going to go around the horn. Okay. Back. It's a snake draft. Okay, snake draft style. I like it. Don't throw at the head. That was your first rule?

It's kind of a pussy rule. That was your first? That's the most important. All right. What about saying like put one in that guy's ear hole? That's a saying. And if you end up getting... How about shin music?

If you end up getting... Hey. Yeah. Two great sayings. Sweet shin music. And part of the wink, wink, nod, nod with the don't throw at the head is sometimes you got to back a guy up, don't you? Okay.

All right. All right. Keep it modest. Just say you're keeping modest. All right. That happens to be a fastball between the eyes. All right. My first one is a simple one.

Don't talk about no hitter. You don't talk about no hitter. Okay. You can sing about it. You don't do... I don't know if you can sing about it. Yeah, you can. It was a segment that we said we would do that we never did.

Great baseball. Yeah. All right. Hank. I have one. Yeah. Don't rub it. Don't rub it?

When you get hit by a ball, I wouldn't scream, don't rub it. Okay. Don't rub it. No, that's actually a fair one. Don't show weakness. My parents also had that before me. All right. I will go also no hitter route.

You don't bunt to break up a no hitter or a perfect game. Yeah. Can't do it. That's the dumbest one. Can't do it. That is stupid. But it's like one of the biggest unwritten rules. So that's one of the ones that I would tell you, you got to do away with it.

You got to understand that this is competition, right? Okay. You got to get on that. But you could also tack on to that. Don't bunt when you're like up seven runs. Yeah. When you're down seven runs. When there's like a guy on here.

When the third baseman is slow. But then I have to ask you what the defensive positioning is. Are you defending me where I can still be competitive or if not? Don't bunt on a full moon. There's a whole list of reasons. My other unwritten rule is if your teammate gets hit, you got to throw them. Next guy. I for an eye for an eye.

So how many times do you do that in your career? I only hit, I believe I only hit five people and I can't confirm or deny whether or not those were on purpose. But I can tell you that I'm a great team player. Did you ever get a fight over it? I never. No, huh? No one charged a mount on you?

Yeah. I've never had the mount charge on me at all. You're pretty intimidating dude. That's probably why. I'd like to think so. Sometimes it's probably just a breath thing. I had bad teeth when I pitched. Yeah.

You're not allowed to steal signs. Unless you're the Cardinals. I don't think you should be allowed to do it like using technology but I think in fairness to the game. What did you just say? You can't use it using technology? No, you can't. I think it's bullshit if you use technology to steal signs.

But I'm saying within the game if you're just looking at the other guys' team signs and you pick up on what their signs is, that should be allowed. Yes. Absolutely. You put don't steal signs but then you said that you should be allowed to steal signs. I was confused with the Mount Rushmore because there's so many unwritten rules. Some of them I like. Some of them I don't like.

But I only know so many. We're just fired them off. We're just fired them off. Yeah. All right. My next one, just don't show up the pitcher. You can't show up a pitcher. Can't make it personal.

I don't really know what it means but I know it when I see it. It's like pornography. See? Exactly. Don't show the guy up. We're all out here trying. That guy's just trying to make a living. He's got mouths to feed.

He does. He's got bills. So if you hit a home run, don't you fucking smile if you hit a home run. Yes. All right. You got two now. So I get two. Yeah.

You get two. All right. Don't come in, nails up. Oh, good one. Studs. Real good one. Don't come in, nails up. That's very important.

Yep. That is. You're taking careers into your own hands and that's not good because you're liable to get your ass kicked or something like that. Second one, or my third one, I guess, no peeking in. What's that? That means as a hitter, you're at the dish and you got your bat waggle going on, which this is your bat waggle.

Well, you look back at the catcher and maybe you're trying to peek in on the catcher signs. Maybe it's peek in for location, whatever the case may be, don't peek in. That's a quick way to get earhold, PFT. Got it. I want to get earhold. Don't want that. But you're not allowed to earhold. Well, you've got to be a good teammate.

So if you break one unwritten rule, then the other team can break one as well. Got it. These are the unwritten rules. My next one is going to be, don't, well, yeah, I'm surprised that I'm getting away with this one because I thought for sure you would take it. Fuck. You know what I'm talking about. Don't you step on the fucking pitcher's mound unless you're the pitcher.

I got one more and that was going to be my cherry on top, which you fucking took it. Yeah, I cucked you out of that one. You did. I did. I was about to take that too. So it wasn't getting back to you. That's all right. You might not be familiar.

Just Google Dallas. Yeah. Don't step on the mound unless you're the pitcher or A-Rod. Yeah. Google Dallas, Brayden, A-Rod pitcher's mound. Google Braydenia as well. That'll let you know who gets to go there. Yeah.

A-Rod does not know who you are and doesn't care about you. Yeah, he wanted to shake my hand. No. Wish me a happy birthday. We're alphas. We're boss. We're boss. Wish me a happy birthday.

We are alphas in the A-Rod court. We'll step on anyone's mound. All right. Hank or P on anyone's floor. I'll do a lot of stuff on anyone's mound. Yeah. All right. If you're lefties, can't be short stops.

Mmm. It's always bothered me. OK. Someday someone's going to break the mold. Yeah. Jackie Robinson has to do it. Someone has to do it. Yeah.

That'll never happen. But you're all first baseman though. Yeah. Yeah, because they make us be first basemen. That's the way the game is built. Or pitchers. That's the way the game is built, Hank. I'm with you, brother.

I'm with you. Someone's got to be the change. Someone's got to be the change after that. OK. I got one that it's kind of an unwritten rule that people don't really focus on, but you really can't do it. It's walk in front of the catcher or ump before and at bat. You know that.

Walk in front. You're going to walk behind them. You can't walk in front of them. There are some guys, depending on where a catcher is setting up or where a catcher and umpire are standing, if they are far back relative to where they're going to be setting up, then they are clearing a lane for the hitter to not have to walk all the way around. But if there's no lane, you cannot walk in front. If there's no lane because a hitter might do one or two things, you have to play for

superstition. A hitter might want to not touch the dirt until he gets to his side of the box. So if he's a righty, he's going to walk around the cut of the grass until he gets there. If you have presented him with a lane of margin, large enough, then you can allow him to walk and no harm, no foul over you. It's like a paragraph of unwritten rules. It's having a feel. All right.

My last one is don't stare directly at Joe Westcullet. Don't stare directly at Joe Westcullet. Don't you do it? The gobbler? Yeah. Yeah, exactly. If you look straight at that, your ass getting tossed. So don't do that.

It's kind of like don't show up the ump, but that's really what it is. I feel you. All right. Hank, I guess from my last one, I kind of ran out, but I'll say, uh, you won't want to mind. I can't wear your hats backwards or sideways. Yeah. Yeah.

Right. Technically, if you're wearing the hat, that's part of the uniform. You're filling your duties. You should be able to wear your hat. However you want to wear it as long as it's on your head. Bob Costas. Big time policemen know to wear the hat. Also been the brim.

Yeah. Whoa. Been the brim. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. You can't bend the brim. That's a little, that's a little old school. Can't bend the brim. I'm a big peripheral vision guy.

Yeah. So there's actually like a benefit to not bend it. Well, for me, as a left-handed, as a left-handed pitcher, well, I did it two-fold, one, but I learned it early on as a left-hander. I could flatten my bill and that gave me the ability to stare it at the catcher and also use my peripheral so I can stare at the runner, stare at the runner. Good to quite good. Oh.

Yeah. So how many guys will, will people steal on you? You don't measure it that way for me. Okay. What you do is you go and look at how many stolen bases in my career I've given up. Yeah. That's what I was asking, but nobody steals against the lefty. I think nobody, nobody, nobody even wanted to, they got the memo, all right?

It's on the chalkboard. Okay. Hey, news flash, keep your foot on the fucking bag. What do you think about John Lester's mental errors not being able to go to first? Well, he's got the bounce off now. And you know what? He's adjusted. Yes.

He has adjusted and that's what you typically, that's what a big lager does, that's what a pro does. True. That's what an alpha does. Would you ever add like a different pickoff move to your repertoire? Absolutely. You got to mix it up. You got to change it.

It's just like you hold the ball, hold the ball, hold the ball. You're disrupting timing at home plate. You're disrupting timing over there at first base. You got to have your head on a swivel because you got two games going on at one time. It's like playing multiple chess games. You know what I mean? Two games at once. Two games at once.

Double header. That's right. Not the same, no. At the side of your head and the game on the field. Simultaneously. Yeah. Simultaneously. Dallas is talking to the people inside his head while also, you know, playing the game.

So there are what? 13 ways to commit a balk? 13 ways to commit a balk. Is that true? I don't know. Name all the ways to commit a balk. Oh, you could go to your mouth, stepping off, tripping. No mouth stuff.

Yeah, no mouth stuff. You can't do mouth stuff on the mound. Sounds like my actual life. Can't go to your mouth. Can't go to your mouth. Let's eat. And then you get caught up in all this. So if it's cold weather, you have an understanding and everybody just kind of looks around and

you make the motion kind of like you're, you know, filleting somebody and it's understood that you now get to blow on your hand and go to your mouth on the mound because the weather might be windy or it might be cold and it's so you don't have to step off of the mound and onto the grass like they ask you to in a regular warm sunny day. What's that? What's that? Like a temperature mark? I don't know.

I think it's just a matter of understanding if it's cold, it's unreal. I think it's a sliding scale. So it is. It's floating. It's on a belcher. It's like 65 degrees. Yeah. We're in Milwaukee.

It's like 12. What about the angles? They ever get you for the angle? Yeah, the 45. The 45 does. Actually, you know what? Funny story. Craig Breslow and I back in, I want to say it was like maybe 0809.

We had the guys come in that were talking about pick off rules and the idea that a 45 degree angle doesn't exist, which I agree with, but we were asking him, does he understand that the rule book specifically states you are not supposed to deceive the runner? So I presented him with one simple question, which was then why the fuck do you allow us to pick off over to first base? What are we doing? Yeah. And there just, there wasn't a response that was going to, that was going to fulfill my

request that was going to give me. And so we continue to battle, continue to battle, continue. And the idea is you should absolutely be able to pick off over to first base because they're trying to steal. That's an advantageous point. I need to, I need to be able to shut that down. And if I can't pick off, then what I'm trying to get him to believe that. What about, what about rookie of the year?

So you're telling me that like when he did the hidden ball trick, that should not have counted? No, that should have absolutely counted. Why shouldn't it count? Because he deceived them. Yeah. Well, that's, I mean, that's part of the stuff that's in the rule, but kind of like the silly laws, you know?

Can't get on the screen. What about the E-Fist? You ever throw an E-Fist? Uh, someone called out my fastball, but yes, I did. I did throw an E-Fist. No, I never had to throw an E-Fist. Zach Cranky throws one. He does.

I used to, I had a guy, I had a guy on my, uh, I wanted to play, you got an E-Fist guy. Oh, you don't want to talk, you don't want to talk to me about video games. How do you feel about John Madden coming out soon here, huh? By the way, did you know that the big Madden game we played against each other, I actually didn't play? No, you did. Devlin played off screen. No.

No, I swear to God. I watched you play. I watched you play. I suck at Madden so bad. I tried to do a gyro ball. Was that a gyro ball? Uh, I have not thrown a gyro ball. I didn't go dice game on it.

Okay. Okay. Does that exist? Uh. Or is that just us being dumb? No, you know, I'm not a physicist and, and, and even if I was, I probably still couldn't tell you. What about a cock shot?

You threw a lot of cock shots. I've, I've, I've been known to let up a homer, if you will. Yes. Sure. A lot of cock shots. Yes. A lot of cock shots. Yes.

Yes. Yes. My last one. Oh, I forgot. We're still going. We're still going. Yeah. My last one is going to be, um, don't hack into another team's database and steal information

about their players. That's my favorite one. So that's a very, everyone knows it going up and there's only one team that's ever violated it. We won't say who they are. Yeah. St. Louis Cardinals. I'm going to go.

I'm going to go with you. You're not up. Oh, I'm done. We got lost on the snake. No, he's got one more. No, I think it's Hank's turn, right? No. No.

No, it's my turn. We got lost on the snake. You know, bang another teammate's wife. Ooh. Yeah. But someone called that a slump buster. Yeah. I mean, so it's, I read the Jose Canseco book.

Some wood. Some wood. Okay. Yeah. You just got to make sure you steer clear of that. You know, that's. What about another? What about a teammate's, uh, Goomah?

Uh, what's a Goomah? Girlfriend. You know, Fridays are for the wives, Saturdays for the Goomahs. Oh, yeah. Yeah. No. I mean, from, from what I gathered, beef is beef. You know what I mean?

That's kind of how that works. Yeah. We respect women on the show. We do. I know, absolutely. But I'd say that's the term that you would use for, well, I mean, a, a female has beef. A female is a, you know, she can wrangle her beef. There's no, like.

Everyone's got beef. Absolutely. It's not beholden. You are beef. Yeah. Absolutely. We are positive. Yeah.

That's true. Yeah. Everyone can have beef. Yeah. No, that's not just a, yeah. That's not a, that's not a derogatory term used specifically for one, uh, sex at all. That is definitely applicable to. Yeah.

Yeah. You seen the calves on? That action, Johnny. Yeah. You're beef, baby. Cavs is. You keep looking at me too. Cavs are literally beef.

I know what you're looking at through those eyeglasses. You're looking. I see you. Yeah. I see you. All right. Talis Brayden. Everyone go download starting nine.

Get it in your life. He's, uh, he's the best. He's, if you watch the eight for all, like three of you out there that actually watch the A's. Yep. You probably know he's the crazy guy that won't shut up. Come say hi. That not rush more was brought to you guys by the black tux.

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What she happens to do for a profession is be a porn star. That's fine. So, the internet then dragged Jimmy Garoppolo and said that he shouldn't be dating a porn star and he's better than that. What? What is that? No. You're not better than what?

You're not better than anybody out there. Yeah. You love who you love. Exactly. He should be dating somebody in finance that collapsed the entire world economy. Yeah. Is that any better? Yeah.

No. Absolutely not. Uh-uh. Seriously though, if you were really rich and you could date anyone, go on one date with your favorite porn star. It's not that bad. Yeah. You know what?

I say anybody that you had a crush on when you were in high school or college, anybody that was a professional above you or whatever, it's nobody's business. They cannot judge you at all for anything like Britney Spears. Britney Spears right now, I would still. Yeah. Would. Still would. Wow.

All right. So, if you're listening to Britney, you've probably been wondering, would PFT go on a date with me? Uh-uh. There you go. Confirmed he would. I would go on a date with Britney. Pam Anderson.

Yes. Yeah. She's only got two hepatitis. They cancel each other out? Yeah. Yeah. Double jeopardy. Perfect.

I don't have a problem with that. No. At all. I don't have a problem with this. What would you say? Clive, round of applause. What do you mean? I'm saying, I think you're saying like, oh, it's not a problem at all, but I feel like

if it was Mitch, you'd be like, eh, that's kind of like, I don't know that you'd have the same opinion. No. Big round of applause. Yeah. Here's the thing. It's actually Jordan Esk, what he's doing. So, Jordan.

Todd, you're Esk. Yeah. Well, no, here's why it's Jordan Esk, because Jordan, he, you know, he reached the mountain top in his chosen profession, and then he chose to go try to compete against the best in another profession. He's playing with a pro. Jimmy Garoppolo is so confident in his sex abilities, he's doing a pro-am right now. And not only that, but he's like, he's sharing, because you're like, you ever, you ever sit

down and you're like, oh, man, I wonder what it's like to be my favorite athlete? Well, now you actually can kind of, you can watch a video and figure it out. Mm-hmm. Like, that's cool. Mm-hmm. That's very nice of him. So, he, yeah, he saw the film before he went out and tried to score. So, Aronia is actually throwing it out, throwing it out of court.

If Mitch did this, I'd be fine with that as well. Didn't work out for Vincent Entourage, that's all I'm saying. I didn't get to that season. What season was that? Season seven. Yeah. Sasha Gray. He did it.

Sasha Gray for a while. That's not that for like season three, yikes. By the way, Mitch Trebisky's going zero dark 10, but it's really, he fucked, he misspoke, zero dark 30, 10. So he's going off of Twitter and all that stuff. Good. We've been remarkably consistent that we think that's a very cool thing to do. Yeah.

And also, Mitch Trebisky like, it's going to be tough on Twitter without him there, because he was lighting it, lighting a fire because, I mean, I love Mitch. I think he's going to be a great quarterback, but I don't think he had to announce he wasn't going to be on Twitter because I didn't even know he was on Twitter. He learned his lesson from, from the Kiss and Teddies and from the Brewer guy, Josh Shader. Josh Shader. Yeah.

So can't, can't drop any racial slurs if you're not logging on. Fact. All right. We have a way to stay relevant. Uh oh. Breaking moves. Breaking moves. Breaking moves.

Breaking moves. Breaking moves. Breaking moves. Breaking moves. Breaking moves. Do not address your radio station. Hank, breaking moves. Uh, Carmella Anthony has been traded to the Atlanta Hawks.

Oh. But the Hawks are releasing him. Oh. He's still getting his entire 27.9 million in the bio. Oh, nice. How does that work? So he's getting paid $28 million to not play for the Hawks or the Thunder. How does this fucking work?

And he can go wherever he wants. Did I like fall asleep for a week when all the NBA players collectively took all the owners hostage? Yeah. Because this is, they've got the owners by the balls. Cap on up, dude. TV deal. Yeah, they got a TV deal.

Cap on up. Yeah. So, cap on up. Mm-hmm. You can sign anyone to anything. Cap on up. That's so incredible. Yeah.

Okay. So now he's basically, he's free to sign with whatever team that isn't very good wants to score. The Rockets or the, or the Lakers. Mmm. He would be great on the Lakers. Woody Mello. LeBron would hate him so much.

Mello. That's what they'll call him. That Breaking Moves was brought to you by Built With Chocolate Milk. Built With Chocolate Milk would like to congratulate the French national team for their World Cup victory. Especially. I took, I took one year of French in high school. And to help, and to help their bodies recover, the French team can enjoy some delicious

and satisfying low-fat chocolate milk. Read all about this real science at BuiltWithChocolateMilk.com. Okay. Thank you, Hank. You're welcome. You actually did a good job. Thank you. I want to say, I embarrass myself right there.

Why? I accidentally spoke Spanish instead of French. That's okay. It happens. Yeah. It happens. You're okay. You're going to bounce back.

We have a way to stay relevant for baseball. Rob Manfred and Mike Trout. So essentially what happened was Mike Trout is the most boring athlete of all time. He's also the best baseball player currently. And Rob Manfred came out and said, it's Mike Trout's fault because he's so boring. And then Mike Trout issued a statement and be like, I'm not boring. I just am really boring. And that in itself, this feud has made Mike Trout somewhat interesting.

So good job, baseball. Yeah. And that's where all electric personalities do when they're accused of being boring. They release a statement through their employer written in Times New Roman. Yes. It's like when Jim Caldwell did a press conference saying he's not dead. I'm not dead yet. Yes.

Right. So I guess Mike Trout has not been attacked by a bear. He did not contract swine flu. Not one iota. Not one iota. You know, it is good. Like, I like a good feud. Can we count this as a feud?

Like Mike Trout first mentioned? Well, Mike Trout was like, I have a lot of respect for Rob Manfred and they all just went there. They almost got the WWE. They almost got the Vince McMahon vs. Stone Cold and they just couldn't go full like let's get into this because it would have actually worked if Mike Trout had said fuck Rob Manfred. But they had, you know, behind the closed doors had had a little handshake. Everyone would have lost their mind.

It would have been awesome. They would have loved him. Yeah. Baseball can't even do the feud right. They can. They've got robot umpires and they've got robot commissioners too. Yeah. And so that's the direction that they're taking.

Did you see what Manfred's trying to do to grow the game too? Oh. He announced I think four cities that he was considering for expansion. Wow. You ready for these? Yeah. Now these are. Let me take a guess on a couple.

Action City USA. All right. Is Charlotte on there? No. Is Portland on there? Yes. Okay. Portland, Oregon.

Portland's on there. Las Vegas. Yes. That will be like how are they going to deal with that heat? Yeah. That's going to be great. Everyone's going to be going to a baseball game in Las Vegas. St. Louis?

No. Okay. Give them a second team? No. Yeah. Falling apart. All right. Give us the other teams.

Vancouver. Ooh. Montreal. Orlando. Worked out really well in Montreal. And then maybe Mexico. Okay. Maybe Mexico City down the line.

I don't hate it. But not yet. I just love Rob Manfred being like it's Mike Trout's fault. Let's not pay attention to the fact that I black out every game and you can't share a simple home run on Twitter. It's Mike Trout's fault. Mm-hmm. Like maybe look in the mirror there, Robbie.

Yeah. I'd like to see what Robbie's Q-score is. Yeah. I bet it's lower than Mike Trout's. It's definitely lower. But see, it still runs a leak. Adam Silver's Q-score shits on Rob Manfred's. Absolutely.

Without a doubt. He's also got a look. He's got the ears. He's got the ears, the shaved head. He looks like Tony Dungey. Yes. Rob Manfred maybe grow like a Arthur Blank villain mustache. Villain mustache.

That'll be really good. Mm-hmm. Like lean into the part. Maybe grow like a really long Fu Manchu. Ooh. Like the bad guy in a kung fu movie. Yeah. Start tearing around samurai swords.

Mm-hmm. And robes. We're growing baseball right here. Yeah. They just change everything about you. Tell you what. Just like take a page from the Saudis and just carry an orb around with you. Ooh.

And then everyone that you meet with make them touch the orb before you sit them down. All right. Let's go Supervillain. I like that. Herder injured Tiger. Tiger slept wrong. His neck got hurt. You think?

But then he put on some KT tape. Yeah. And he's all good. Tiger sleeping in a weird position and injuring his neck is the last surprise that I thought I could ever be surprised by. I hope whoever Tiger slept with last night also got some KT tape if you know what I'm saying. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. So we were going to redo the power rankings for animals that give the best kind of lingus and it's going to go Tiger, then Elephant, then Anteater. Anteater. Yes. I love the British Open because you just basically roll out of bed and just stay in bed and watch golf. Mm-hmm.

And it's just, you were right when you said it on Monday, Carnusti is the best golf course named to say. Yeah. It's a savage course. It is. It'll chew you up and spit you out. Again, Carnusti. Unlike Tiger, who will swallow you whole.

Yeah, he will. Lick it a little. Lick it a little first. And flick your nipples. Mm-hmm. Let's swallow it whole. Mm-hmm. All right, Hank, ready?

Jimbo's. I'm ready. A new Asian guy from South Korea was hired at her office this week. When he met me, he told me my name, Bob, is Korean for rice. Feeling knowledgeable as fuck, I went to tell our other Korean employee what I had learned. His response was, I am Japanese asshole. Ooh. Mm-hmm.

Yeah, well, that's on you. Yeah. I don't really know, I don't know if you can come back from that. Mm-hmm. I don't know if you, yeah, like what is your, what's your out here? Check yourself in a diversity training. Yeah, you gotta go to treatment. Yeah.

You gotta seek treatment for a while. Oh, here's what you do, okay? You find someone that looks like you and have them come to work in your clothes and hopefully the Japanese co-worker says your name and then you're like, dude, what do we all look like? Yeah. And then also a little bonus on that, you just have this random person doing your job and you have a vacation.

Mm-hmm. Here's what you gotta do. You gotta show him that you, this might be one of those things where maybe the Japanese don't like the Koreans and so that is personally offensive that way. Mm-hmm. Just be like, hey, I bet you really like Chinese food. Let's go out to a buffet. Yeah, just double down.

I'll bet that'll totally smooth it over. Keep making as many jokes as possible. Yeah. Either go to HR or he quits because you're just like making 100 insensitive jokes. Or you know what? You can show him just how not racist you are and assume that maybe he speaks Russian one day or just assume that he speaks French and be like, oh, I thought you were French. Yeah.

And so that way you can be like, hey, it had nothing to do with the fact that you're, it's Asian, like that had nothing to do with this equation. Ooh, come to the office the next day with like the biggest eyeglasses you can find. Just like my eyesight is really bad. Yeah. I was all of it. After listening to the football in July episode of PMT and the rerun of the Coach O interview, I decided to go full football guy and try making his favorite meal, turnips stew with

pork. I bought all the ingredients and found a recipe online and made it at home. It both smelled and tasted like farts. I tried to give it to my dog and he looked at me like I was an asshole. My house still smells really bad. Yeah, dude. Coach O eats farts. Mm-hmm.

That's what he does. That's a football guy move. Yeah, turnips. What would make you think that? Like, of course turnips would be terrible. Yeah. I don't even know what a turnip is. Listen, everything about Cajun cooking is designed to kind of give you the impression

that something smells bad until you know what it is and you've tasted it and then you condition yourself to like that smell. Like they cook everything inside of basically pork anus. Mm-hmm. So they, their stove is an asshole, their oven is an asshole and until you learn what it tastes like, it's going to smell awful. Turnips are like purple potatoes, but tastes bad. I was driving home New Year's Day and trying to make it back before the college bowl game

started. I ended up getting stuck behind two cars, driving side by side, 10 miles per hour below the speed limit on the highway. After 15 minutes of this, I was triggered. When the car in the left lane finally moved into the other lane, I made sure to get next to this guy and give him the middle finger. I quickly noticed the black and white collar the man was wearing and I realized I was flipping off a priest.

I'm surely going to hell. Yeah, because priests have never done anything bad before. Yeah. So, yeah. They've done you. Yeah. We'll count it like 10 billion to one there because of the finger. I boss told us to throw away some trash in the field house.

Along the wall, there were boxes of full of broken mugs. So obviously we had a blast breaking them even more before flattening them in the compact there. Classic. We reported back to our job next, which was to take some of the boxes of broken mugs that was next to the trash to the faculty department so they could get all their money back from the damage during shipment. So they basically just, they fucked up all the mugs.

And when they had to go back, they fucked up all the mugs like, oh, look at all these broken mugs. Let's break them some more. Went back to their boss and the boss was like, all right, go take those broken mugs back so we can return them. Insurance fraud. And now we're on January to do the fraud for the rest of the summer. But breaking things, glass things and mugs and stuff like that.

Badass. So much fun. Mille fraud. Finally, fraud for guys. Yes. I forgot to lock my dog's cage in the morning and he had himself a day with the garbage. Great after work surprise. Yeah.

Listen, you basically dropped your dog off at the amusement park for a day. That dog had the best day of its life. Who has a garbage just like out with a dog? I guess you just forgot to lock the thing. So I guess that explains it. I'm an idiot. Yeah. Tell Peter King, get back indoors.

I'm from a very large family and have about 150 people that go to family reunions because my family's so big. Many people bring their girlfriends to this reunion. So I saw a very hot girl and pointed out to my cousin how hot she is because I thought she was someone's girlfriend. She informed me she was my second cousin and also told everyone else. So now all 150 people in my family think I'm kind of a pedo. Wait, wait, wait, a pedo.

So she was also like 13 years old? That's a really important fact that we need to get explained here. I would be more concerned with the fact that she was like 13 than the fact that she was second cousin. Second cousin. That's like, we're all second cousins. Right. Exactly.

Pangea. Pangea, exactly. Like FDR and Eleanor Roosevelt, they were first cousins, I think, right? So Albert Einstein married his first cousin. Yeah. Or maybe his sister. So it actually means that you're really smart if you're attracted to your cousin. Exactly.

Also 150 people in their family, like of course a couple people are going to want to bang. Yes. That's just science. It's definitely happened. Do you think watching, was it the Duggar kids, the Duggar family? They were definitely banging, growing up. Those people are so weird. Duggars.

Yeah, a couple of them were. Also it's natural to be attracted to somebody that looks like you. Yeah. If you're a narcissist like me. Just being pain, yeah. All right. At Halloween time when girls dress up. Yeah, you love it.

PFT dressing up. Yeah. Yeah. You kidding me? Last one. I got, I had such a good time at the Pop-Punk concert last weekend that I pissed my bed and the floor of my girlfriend's apartment. Mmm.

That's a big jimbo. You must be like 15. Yeah, 16 years old, first time getting drunk. Yeah. Can't handle your liquor. Yeah. I remember my first girlfriend. Yeah.

So Hank, what ended up happening there? Did you have to clean it up? That kind of sucks. PGIT. PGIT? One of those things where when PFT first said it I was like, what the fuck is he talking about? You laughed at me.

You had so much for, do you remember sleeping? Like, do you remember dreaming about peeing? No. And the craziest thing is I woke up and then I, before I even realized I peed the bed I took a piss for like a minute and a half. So I was just, I was just loaded up. You cleared the chamber? Yeah.

The way I heard it, your girlfriend freaked out a little bit. Classic chick. You should have blamed her. Yeah. Classic chick did not like getting pissed on in the middle of the night and then when she like went to complain about you, your answer was just like, that's rock and roll. It is. It is.

It is. That's absolutely true. It's your fault PFT. Yeah. You rock too hard. I rock the piss out of you. Yeah. All right.

That's our show. We have Dan Patrick awesome interview coming Monday and a Mount Rushmore we've wanted to do for a very long time, Mount Rushmore of events we wish Twitter existed for. So tune in on Monday. We'll see you then. Love you guys. Love you guys. Love you guys.

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