Pardon My Take - Huge Announcement With Deion Sanders, B1G Cancels Football, Hard Knocks, & Dungeons And Dragons

Episode Date: August 12, 2020

The B1G and Pac 12 have cancelled their football seasons and it equals pain (3:02 - 9:23). Hard Knocks episode 1 was just a long coronavirus commercial (9:23 - 17:30). Hot Seat/Cool Throne with Kyle Kuzma, Steve Spurrier and Billy Football vs Jake (17:30 - 34:46). Deion Sanders joins the show to announce his signing with Barstool, the podcast he's going to do, and whether or not he would lock down Michael Thomas (34:46 - 55:09). Timm Woods joins us in studio to continue our Dungeons and Dragons game and we had a MAJOR plot twist (55:09 - 100:06).You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/PardonMyTake

Hey, pardon my take listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. On today's pardon my take, a huge, huge, huge announcement. You probably saw it in the title of this episode. Dion Sanders is our colleague. Yes. Dion Sanders works with us.

Hall of Famer Dion Sanders works at Barstool Sports. We as boss. I don't think so. I might say that he's my boss right now, but please don't tell Dion that I said that. He's not. He's not my employee, but we are coworkers with Dion Sanders. Yes. And I don't know if this, this probably momentarily, like him being like, oh, I'm coworkers with

these guys. That's got to hurt a little bit. Yo, for sure. He looks at us and he's like, what? These guys? But I think it's going to be a great fucking fit. And we have him on the show. We're going to talk to him.

We're going to talk about everything he's going to do. He is electric, electric, electric. He's also going to be on the show every Sunday night in the fall for 20 minutes, 21 minutes. We decided it's going to be awesome. So get ready for that. We have our greatest Dungeon and Dragons ever. It was awesome because Tim Woods came into the studio. So the first time we had Tim on was during Barstool Gold when we were at the old office.

He's been doing this all via Zoom, via Skype. He came in. It was amazing. Plot twist coming your way. Yes. Huge, huge. I had chills during this episode of Dungeon and Dragons. We have the cancellation of Big Ten in Pack 12, college football in the ropes, and hard

knocks. Oh, and HotSea Cool Throne. Packed, packed show for you. All brought to you by our friends at Cash App. Pardon my take. It's always brought to you by the Cash App. We are in the Cash App Studios. It is the best app in the world.

It is the safest, most socially distanced app in the world. You don't need to be handing people money. You don't need to be touching money. You can be linked directly to your bank account. It is super easy to do. And the Cash App is always giving away money. You can go on their Twitch. You can go on their Instagram.

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with the Cash App. Okay, let's go. Welcome to part of my take presented by the Cash App. Go download it right now. Use the referral code BARSTOOL. You get $10 for free, $10 to ASPCA. Today is Wednesday, August 12th. I'm sad.

Okay. I'm going to paint a picture. I'm just going to paint a picture for you, okay? You wake up. It's late October. You go outside. You're walking the dog. You take that big, deep breath in, burns your lungs a little bit.

Come on, big cat. It's beautiful fall day, that brisk air. Come on. You go grab a coffee. You sit down on your couch. You look at the entire board. You plot out all 25 bets you're going to make on a college football Saturday. You turn on the TV.

It's Northwestern in Purdue. They just started the game. They've punted six times in the first four minutes. And you're saying to yourself, we're going to have a day. We're going to have a day. We're off to the next four minutes. It's 3.30. It's 2.30 Central time.

You're going to watch your team. You're going to watch the Badgers kick the shit out of Iowa 10 to 6. It's going to be great. And then around, I don't know, six o'clock maybe you go back outside for a little fresh breath there, right? The sun is setting. That little burnt smell of wood in the air. You know what I'm talking about?

It smells like leaves yourself right now. And you say to yourself, oh man, when I go back inside tonight. Imagine dragons is gonna hit and I'm gonna watch Ohio State Michigan State and I'm gonna sit there and I'm just gonna soak it all in my batteries been on 10% all day chasing a charge my eyes feel like they're gonna bleed but I am in absolute football nirvana and all that's gone don't like all that why why did you do because I'm what you just did was I'm hurt you just wrote like a penthouse forum letter to yourself about your perfect Saturday and now you've

just taken a valice ill-busy I'm hurt I know we're all feeling pain I am not looking forward to waking up naturally on a Saturday instead of setting my alarm to wake up at the crack of college game day I'm not look I'm where's where's Beth Bowen's gonna do what's she gonna do I want to hear her you know what they should do I want to hear her free idea for the NFL if there's no college football on Saturday try try to replace I know you can't replace it try to do your best by just scheduling the game that has the lowest point total over under to be the 11 a.m. game have it be like Broncos Redskins 11 a.m. Beth can

call that and then have the game that's supposed to be like the highest number of points and turnovers take place at like midnight so it's though it's the Hawaii replace so the big 10 is cancelled the pack 12 is cancelled college football is officially on the ropes the swing state swing conference is now the big 12 which they have announced they're gonna go forward it seems like the big 12 the big 12 decides to play the SEC the ACC and some actually some smaller conferences are going to play so we might have still college football but today was absolutely heartbreaking I never thought I thought the day that I

wasn't watching Northwestern vs. Purdue in the morning on a Saturday was the day I died that was gonna be the day I died there when when that doesn't happen on a Saturday morning in October it's it that's a wrap I'm six feet under because I saw that you canceled the fall I reluctantly agree that the fall I want to be cremated by the way I want to be okay motion to replace it with autumn this that we're gonna it's gonna be autumn yeah but there's no fall because no fall cancelled no fall there's autumn I still think that we should have October Fest beer snow I think cancel that sweatshirts without hoods canceled

quarter zips foliage canceled Thanksgiving canceled Christmas what about Christmas Christmas can stay but like okay the Friday after Thanksgiving Nebraska vs. Iowa what the fuck well we still might get great colors Iowa that's the thing is that Nebraska and Iowa play ten times they're going in the the legends leaders and leavers division they might try to join up with the big 12 or with with the ACC or something like that play who's gonna wave to the kids in Iowa who's gonna wave wave to the sick kids fucking sucks I will right now yeah yeah I'll step outside every Saturday in the fall and wave to you

guys god damn it better this sucks and I still think there will be college football but it just won't be the same it's a conference I love it's they have abandoned me I understand everything that goes into this I'm not gonna sit it just we're not gonna debate it again it's okay to just admit right no matter what side you're on in this and it's stupid as fucked that there are sides in this but it sucks that there's not gonna be big ten football actually I was not gonna be packed well I have a specific fuck you so this is a fuck you to the people who are like dude you're being a drama queen it's just sports no

it's not no it's not just sports it's literally every Saturday for the entire fall it's my happiness yes it's not it's about like what we do for fun it's my mental escape from the world this fall is going to be possibly the least fun autumn excuse me that will have in our lifetimes well all right let's table it here maybe college football happens it as hard as it is for us it's probably gonna be even more difficult on Jim Harbaugh do Jim Harbaugh still holding practice today yeah well he's he's going to go insane that he's like slowly hanging up his game day khakis and solemnly putting on his the chinos of

despair did you see that there they're gonna allow the teams to do 20 hours of practice every week what I don't understand that no I don't understand that I do not understand I really feel bad for the coaches wives in the situation that they're gonna have to spend a lot of time with their husbands and maybe they haven't gotten to hang out with them for like I don't know 30 40 years are you are you really you just always walk around the house blowing whistles fuck man it sucks everything sucks fuck coronavirus I fucking hate you coronavirus you piece of shit let's move on I don't want to say that it's

Greg Shiano's fault but if you had the under of point five and yeah seasons it would take for the Big Ten to cancel their season due to an infestation of a virus let's move on that ticket let's move on it's a hard knocks where we could finally escape coronavirus oh wait no it was just an hour of coronavirus I would like to permission to give another fuck you to somebody yeah fuck you to zoom fuck you to zoom fuck zoom fuck zoom get it I am sick of zoom yes the first week it was cool it's like oh my friends are drinking a beer at a different house that's awesome I'll hang out with them on zoom now every time I

see a zoom on hard knocks it's like I'm looking into a kaleidoscope of hell yeah it's I can't process it anymore I'm sick of seeing that interface fuck zoom oh and you know what since we're doing the fuck use fuck you also to the people who are like dude you didn't see this coming everyone knew this was gonna get canceled shut the fuck up cool brag that you have a frontal lobe and can see into the future I can't okay I hope for the best and don't expect for the worst that's how I live my life and guess what when the worst happens it fucking sucks it hits me like a ton of bricks cuz I never saw it coming it's a sucker punch

to the face so fuck you to the people who like dude I saw this coming from a mile away I never expected there to be college football spin down you're gonna save a lot of money cuz you're not gonna lose all your bets on Saturday I was gonna get hot no no there you go well that's that's another spin zone as you can always say like this was gonna work this was gonna be fall cat I was hot when coronavirus took everything yeah so fuck coronavirus but yeah hard knocks hard knocks his back it was literally technically on yeah highlights of hard knocks Sean McFay took his shirt off which you know that he's been planning

the entire summer he's like you know he's got that photographic memory uh-huh so he's like I remember back when they interviewed me the last time on hard knocks I remember that they spent a lot of time on my house he's like I'm gonna work out this summer I'm gonna teach the dog cool basketball tricks in the pool and the second the cameras get here boom well his fiance yeah suggested to him that was very cool she was like hey Sean do you maybe want to show him the dog tricks you've been working they planned that shit out Sean McFay scripts everything it was the Derek Carr last year when he was wrestling with his kids

and it was so forced Sean McFay listen we love you coach McFay but going from you know for a couple glasses of rosé and then pop in the top off oh man that's weird I thought I had chest here last I'm the suspending Sean McFay from winning football guy of the week for at least September boom there it is sanctions have been made yeah he came me added to thirst trap of the year though yes oh yeah definitely Julian Edelman saw that and was like dude I better get my shirt off immediately pop the top did you see by the way jewels I fucking love him he had a picture the other day it was like cam and like all the the

Patriots wide receivers and they all had their shirts on and and jewels had the fucking mid-drift yeah he had the easy affiliate going on that was nice just just peeking out but uh okay other highlights of hard knocks Anthony Lynn had coronavirus and he had a whole team and he found out because of a golfer yep he owns a Porsche he owns a Ferrari that was a Ferrari that was a Ferrari let us know that was a Ferrari let's see oh Jalen Ramsey still upset about his contract mm-hmm although in that circumstance well respect to biz Jalen Ramsey when a reporter asked you a question the same question three times

in a row you have to give a different answer three right right and all it takes is the first time I think he said that's between my agent in the front office you can't repeat it verbatim the second time say that's between the front office and my agent right new answer flip it on yeah let's see oh Nathan Peterman still catching straights when you tweeted that out I actually thought that he was an animal control officer I thought that's what you meant by that no Joey Bosa signed his contract it was actually a kind of a cool moment I we were we were talking about in the studio could you just imagine for a second

signing your name on a dotted line and being like everyone in my life is set mm-hmm forever and then they showed him like putting in the hard work and he has I don't know how many sacks in the NFL and it wasn't even a sack it was a knockdown of Nathan Peterman just a totally ricochet shot like dude you didn't need to put that in the highlight package but there it is Nathan Peterman eating shit on a football they had Melvin showing up in a slingshot yep in the three-wheeler one person has to do that every year always I think hard knocks has that in their garage and they just loan it to somebody yes

twirl up with that was cool it was nice to see a to rod back on hard knocks so you said earlier excuse me before we start taping Jared Goff first starting quarterback to be on hard knocks twice no this year to Rod Taylor he was also the starting starter though I think so he was the starter back in Cleveland and then Baker came in for him this year I don't know just a tour on his balls he's got great balls that was another highlight was pep Hamilton just being stupefied by a competent quarterback play yeah after spending three months with Cardale Jones he threw we threw that into the net is that is crazy is that a

spiral yeah against no one and then one of the players walking off the field was like I'm not gonna lie it's it's cool to see a ball thrown like that like direct shot at Phillip Rivers oh man um let's see what else oh Aaron Kroemer fuck Aaron Kroemer forever you guys were mystified when I he popped up on the screen I had a very visceral reaction to him but he was the biggest snake of all time when he was the Bears offensive lineman coach and then punched a kid on a beach that's what I remember him for yeah he was he was enjoying the beach with his family and a kid stole like a lawn chair from a punch punch the kid in the face

yeah fuck Aaron Kroemer forever other highlights let's see there was oh the zoom there was a lot of nasal swabs yep if you're a fan of nasal swabs you enjoyed this episode tremendously yeah those cool montage when they're like let's show the coronavirus test that's exactly the same seven times in a row I'm pretty sure that Belichick is collecting DNA samples and he's like that guy's poorly hydrated all the time that guy has a clutch gene that guy's on HGH um let's see anything else I mean they they did the the so fresh and so clean montage of that was kind of cleaning the the weightlifting equipment I

enjoyed that but yeah it was a major bummer Sean McVeigh built an inside outside yes he was like I want that he did a walk through like he was he was buying a new house and picking out like which brass fixtures he wants in the bathroom he was like no I think we'll have a breakout here offense facing that way defense facing that way just you know what just build me in it what I have inside build that entire thing outside he's like the Mutabi brothers that's a real throwback yeah remember when they did that what's that night the Roxbury mm-hmm shit I'm doing the inside of the club on the outside there

waiting line to get in feels like you're inside they want to feel old I guarantee you that movie came out before 1996 it came out 1998 so yes before Billy football was born belly football uh so yeah I like they also have like the stickers everywhere yeah somehow the NFL had time to get together when they weren't planning on how to actually put in safety protocols they had the time to make team branded stickers with a lightning bolt that they would put six feet apart six feet away yeah so Richardson could run through this hole stay away from it stay far far away hard knocks was yeah one long this is

life with Corona I guess we expected that I think next next episode will probably be a little better but it's also weird with two teams I need a time-lapse of the LA Stadium that so that was that was a no-brainer that was teed up for you just check Rich Eisman's Instagram I don't want to check Rich Eisman's Instagram I want to watch it on hard knocks I want to see them put it all you have to do is put a fucking camera next to the stadium for six months and then just show the stadium getting bigger that's all I want it blows my mind because I'm like wow that stadium was really small and now it's big real

fast yeah I think this is gonna be a pretty boring hard knock season because you know when they throw two teams at you it's like we don't really have anything and the whole time I was just thinking how awesome would be if Blake Bortles was in this and he pulled up in his Tesla and it would have been sick and had like six empty tens of skulls in his Tesla so all right let's get to hot seat cool throne then let's get to Dion Sanders and Dungeon and Dragons huge huge show probably the I mean the fact that we have Dion Sanders announcing that he is coming to Barstool Sports and then we play 45 minutes of the most electric Dungeon and Dragons game

do you think Dion's ever played D&D probably not but we should get him into it uh-huh yeah we will put that on the list yes I just want to say I want I don't want to pat ourselves on the back but I think that's what they call range in the business yes um all right hot seat cool throne is brought to you by Bud Light Seltzer on the hot seat this week our beer runs with sports coming back our friends at Bud Light know you can't miss any precious seconds of the game so head to budlight.com slash delivery and get ice cold Bud Light and Bud Light Seltzer delivered straight to your door so you don't have to miss any action that's budlight.com slash delivery budlight.com slash delivery okay Hank let's go um my hot seat is hockey you know everyone

hockey tough everyone always talks about you know they they tough it out no matter what happens there's a five overtime game today which is electric the Bruins are supposed to be on after and they just postponed it until the morning because it was going on too late I guess yeah for the kids that's what the NHL is all about dude that game five over times yeah five over times like 85 saves that drunken hockey like overtime is so funny when they when the guys are so gassed that they're gassed their second overtime I know they're doing like like 20 second shifts they're falling all over the place it's just a war of attrition just trying to survive it's I mean good thing it happened early in the day because you imagine that would have been like

three in the morning yeah yeah I mean it was how long was the game like seven hours yeah that's insane insane both goalies played they were both standing on their heads it's time to break out that old phrase which I love every year hot goalie but this is definitely going to lead to some Mike Greenberg stump rules about how to fix hockey overtime even though as a fan if you don't have an investment in the game if you're not rooting for one team or the other it's still a lot of fun to watch if you are a fan of those teams five over times is just insane yes that is that's a marathon yes literally did the equivalent of running a marathon so there's going to be somebody out there that throws out a dumb take of how to fix hockey overtime I would say Mike Milbury

what do you say he did yeah pull it up all right let's I love these I love it all right he tweeted a like a super super super blurry picture of the space needle okay whatever the fuck it's called on another worldly night space needle is an appropriate backdrop insane Columbus tv game god bless both teams for great effort even though I believe we should end these games sooner via three v3 or a shootout after a time what do you think I actually do love three on three is this so awesome it is insane yeah 3v3 is okay they should do that for for overtime they should third overtime make the coaches put on skates I'd love to see tortorello get checked on the open ice you know what they should do actually this is actually the fix is you start

overtime regular five on five second overtime four and four third overtime three on three and then if you get all the way to the fifth overtime it's just one on one mm-hmm that would be electric yeah so that's not the space needle people are people are roasting them yeah no that's basically no Seattle I think he's talking about the um cn tower oh hey there Toronto yeah the big pin there's the cn tower in the sky yeah says for canadian's nice oh my other hot studies me uh future me you know stool streams is coming out today obviously been known about it for months and months and months I put off like a ton of shit until today Tuesday no to get it all together future me yeah and I actually had I had a I had a panic attack first time in my life really like a real

life like I had to sit down like my heart was hurting I was like freaking out a little bit so wait so you you had all this stuff to do today and you still found time to sit and troll me while we played Mario Party well that was I mean I wasn't trolling you like I had to be running the production of it okay and I was just trying to help out the other people I was just trying to lend strategy to the other teams hey can I just say like I am concerned for your health you've been overworking things do you want to take like some time off this weekend maybe take off early I don't know you know me I don't know if you guys insist yeah all right good good you've earned it Hank oh wait you already had one planned no way well it's playing for last week but then it's actually

this week that's just three days of work as a panic attack oh man it's kind of scary though I thought I was gonna I was having a heart attack for serious though or I don't really know I really don't know if it was a hard I think you had a heart attack yeah yeah yeah we we we joke around with Hank a lot Hank puts in a lot of work in a lot of a lot of different areas here don't let the 16 hours a day that he's playing call of duty fool you I'm retired uh huh I'm retired all the pictures taking with his dog don't know that fool you act like you don't take pictures of your dog I mean I don't have an Instagram account neither do I that's true normie does my girlfriend has an Instagram account a lot of girls girlfriends have Instagram accounts exactly I don't know what

that means but exactly uh you know my cool throne do you have access to it no probably should get that why just in case yeah that's a terrible terrible advice you don't know you don't want you don't want uh she's the curator right if I send pictures I just send them her away okay we need to get access to big dumpers who knows what Billy's doing in there post screenshots and actually in conversation put that yeah put that in our tickler file remind us to get us access to big dumpers uh and then my cool throne is dame dame little dame time yeah drop 60 again today he's like the second NBA player ever to have 60 in one season he's so fun to watch yeah he's one of my favorite players three times in one season he also shout out CJ McCallum for playing with a

fracture back exactly hot that's why hot hog is in the hot seat yeah they can't even fucking have two games one night and CJ McCallum is playing with a broken back well that was that was going to be my cool throne is just toughness in general CJ McCallum what's he's podcaster tough yeah what he is yes all those hours he puts in sitting upright carrying all these ad reads that that shit adds up yeah and then I mean think about it this way yeah he can play with a broken back god forbid he had a pretty much broken hand mmm it'd be lights out and so he's been playing with this for a while right a couple months still so funny that LeBron said he had a pretty much broken hand LeBron would have let you know before his back was pretty much pretty much broken

hand is basically broken yeah it's just a forecast on it is broken um is that it Hank we done that's it great job Hank thank you Hank manages to steal all of my hot seats and cool thrones cool throne that still seems one o'clock there you go yes there you go um so I'll just say my my hot seat is the east coast just dovetailing along with hockey real quick is like these are the times that really really test your metal as an east coast sports fan yeah staying up until 1am I'm watching the black heart right now and I still have like another two hours to go with this series you're not going to get any games on Chicago time it's all going to be west coast time because no no Thursdays uh Thursdays games at 5 30 okay there you go so we're saved on Thursday but yeah I personally

blame the uh blame the ice in Toronto for the five overtime game I don't understand bad ice Hank I would like a Zambonius to explain to me like you would love to have a Zambonius Zamboner why if they say after five over times the ice is messed up but isn't at the point of the Zamboni to just Zambonify it and then it's back to normal why don't they just put more water on it exactly yeah explain it to Hank you should just have uh have Cardi B and Megan the stallion walk across the ice just one time each boom new ice damn frozen big time big time why don't you look at a skate across the vagina jesus or hot seat jesus oh that was mine you can't keep you're not going anymore I'm trying to I was gonna say hot hot seat jesus because he's getting shots put up over

him all day long it's hot seat the NBA how kuz was better than jesus putting shots up over jesus hot jesus wild thing to say that was jesus got crossed up once or twice oh man all right are you done I've actually I've said that before I'm pretty sure yeah you have yeah definitely what are you done yeah I think that'll be it for me okay um I guess I have to find a new hot seat I'll just go well let's see let's go on Billy's sheet um number three on Billy's sheet is Clay Travis keeps calling Darren Revelle Karen so I guess that really loves that joke yeah Billy loves that Billy loves that that that and browsers if you got those two jokes we're good to go you really want to steal that joke I have the old sheet that's the old sheet all

right okay I have this right here but we're falling apart let's just get let's get our way to see on in a second I'll just say uh hot seat everybody else in sports for not having Darren Revelle's brain because he was asked what are the five greatest words that a golf fan can say and his quote was directly your demand in the hole I repeat your demand in the hole the famous golf course saying brain that we all know and love and use how what is what brazzers your demand in the hole he should he should he should he should honing his brain to science just so we can figure out how to never have this again yeah a scientist who makes bombs yeah blow it up blow up his brain my cool throne is uh Steve Spurrier this hurt Billy don't give me that look he's the one that

tweeted out JFK getting his head exploded yeah in like HD at 4k 745 a cup of coffee and a fucking assassination um all right digitally remastered it actually had the NBC zoom that they do for golfers at the T box they went all the way around like here you go here's a bullet exiting his eyeball yeah it had a soundtrack to it it started out with Revelle going world star oh shit um all right my cool throne is Steve Spurrier this hurt me but it's good to know that Steve Spurrier still got it so uh pat duly tweeted coach Spurrier called a few minutes ago said the SEC and ACC she just played their seasons and winners face off for national title because one conference is going to win it anyway so that hurt but but I love Spurrier good to know they still got a little

chip Spurrier is absolutely still getting his shots off uh huh uh huh I hope Spurrier I need to see more of him because they're in college football season traditionally I feel like once he retired from the game he probably doesn't even watch college football he probably just he's on the course he's on the checks the scores he's always on again and then fires off a couple rows at Tennessee yes he's always on the course uh all right Billy take us home hot seat cool throne um you got this dude I was gonna do hot seat jeez uh cool throne Putin nice okay okay why Billy he says he has a he's a vaccine yeah I'm grasping his straws here because I go last dude he's he's got they got the vaccine they got the good good I don't trust it I don't trust you wouldn't take it yeah I would

weigh it out they brought big 10 football back what they just labeled it as a steroid good point what if they mixed it with a sweet batch of HGH you've taken more suspect that's true have you eaten more suspect things you've put in worse shit in your body than mercury on a daily basis maybe it's crocodile remember crocodile it was gasoline and vodka Bill I'm pretty sure that the pre-workout stuff that you take probably has most of the coronavirus vaccine in it already correct we should just give everyone pre-workout yeah just sweat it out just have a nation of jacked bros exactly all right anything else Billy Jake hot seat and set up Billy yeah yeah go for it Jake I'm putting a man named he's got a pretty much broken ankle

to your point a guy named Emil Schlick in 1917 he invented the crutch and I'm saying the crutch is useless it is my armpits are more sore than my foot we gotta get you a walking boot we you got the scooter needed oh here we go all right so great first plate and here we go sound off okay I have two witnesses in here who saw the injury I didn't actually look at the ball the ball that I slammed for a winner pft saw it then I saw I saw the shot but Jake crumpled in pain before the ball actually landed a second time so who's to say that you won Billy your retort hot seat Jake's pain tolerance that's all I'm going to say oh I walked in the off I scooted into the office today and I could just see Billy's brain saying Jake's a pussy for having Jake you should do

you should do a marathon faster than Billy on the treadmill on your scooter ooh okay so you just hold on to the sides then you beat Billy in a race Billy do you think Jake's a pussy no comment P word please think P word what you think he's a wet ass pussy I think he's a yeah wop mm-hmm he's not even in the music video oh man damn and that was our Clayton versus Salisbury debate for the record I'm team Jake in this yeah oh we're all teams yes yeah always team Jake dude a sprain ankle socks yeah actually it's worse than a pretty much break I hope Billy gets hurt now karma oh we forgot the biggest news hot seat every band in the entire world cool throw it away all right go ahead Billy go throw a nickel back nice nice if you don't like

because they're coming out with something they just gave us a date but cool throw a nickel back if you don't like nickel back you're a sheeple yeah well Billy you're also a quarter of a quarterback so I think that explains itself why you like them so much my move back of the day used to be going to the bar and putting $20 into the jukebox and just playing rock star 20 times in a row until the bartender would actually have to shut down the jukebox and bum everyone out but I had fun and my friends had fun but it's a great song you know what sucks is that at NHL playoff games this year we're not going to get nickel back singing in national anthem yeah singing oh canada damn and dude I seriously I'm worried about imagine dragons and they're this is the thing that people

don't think about okay they don't think about what's gonna happen yeah they probably have a banger ready to go and it's just not gonna happen release it for NCAA football 2020 dude I actually day dreamed about the like aerial of jerry's world on that like last august saturday and kerr kerbshree you need to stop fowler stop being like it's been it's been 200 days since college football but we're back okay you know what we need to do and we have Clemson you know we have to do on every monday show we just need to get big cat two minutes where he says what happened yesterday around saturday in his own brand in college football saturday just like we'll give you that time to just write your fanfic and get it all out there on monday shows okay yeah it sucks man oh also hot

seat con coward you're a fucking fraud gambler dude you I mean the fact that you said who cares about the mac and the whack that's you can't talk about gambling anymore that you don't care you don't care and billy was right how about the kids out there yeah you don't care about opportunity you don't care about opportunity you also don't care about gambling because those are gambling conferences that's why they exist he also put joe burrow on the hot seat for getting the twitter handle at joey burrow he said joey joey is a skateboard kid that uh has his hat backwards get out of joe now that's a quarterback get out of here all right let's get to uh dion sanders who I don't know if we mentioned but he's a colleague of ours now before we do that jimmy johns jimmy johns is

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the turkey tom get the italian nightclub yeah and then get yourself a slim for later that's the move also jimmy johns brought pickles great pickles great cookies everything jimmy johns chips everything jimmy johns does is better than everyone else we love you jimmy johns use code take 20 do it right now do it for lunch if you're listening to this and it's not lunch yet get your lunch lunch order ready because guess what it's gonna be freaky fast it's gonna get there in like six minutes and if you go to jimmyjohns app or jimmyjohns.com and put in code take 20 you get 20 off any order of ten dollars or more thank you jimmy johns lunch is on us well 20 of lunch is on us all right here he is our colleague deon sanders okay we now welcome on a recurring guest

nfl hall of famer two-time super bowl winner and now as officially of today our co-worker it is deon sanders it is prime holy shit man welcome aboard thank you thank you i had no idea what i went on with you guys last time that this will transpire this quickly we're very charming prime we're very happy yes i'm happy we're we're excited we're we're ecstatic so deon is uh joining the pirate ship he is going to be launching his own podcast 21st in prime he's going to be doing some uh video stuff with some of his old friends from the league he's going to be doing some video stuff for an nfl show and he's going to be on this podcast for 10 15 minutes every sunday night in the fall recapping what we watch on nfl sundays

all i get is 10 and 15 during minutes you guys gonna bring me on the show for 10 or 15 minutes that's all i get that's all i work well you're you're very fast 15 minutes you're very fast and this way we can call it nfl prime time yeah on sunday i don't think anybody's ever done that before i want more than 10 or 15 minutes done you get as much time as you want yes you get as much time as you want but um we're really really happy this is very exciting how do you feel knowing that you can now you can be we're gonna get like unfiltered prime you get to talk about whatever you want okay you you gotta understand when when you're on a network show you got a 15 second to 45 second shot clock and 45 is a lot to get out your thought and and flush that out now

i get to really exhaust my thought and tell you the unfiltered truth yep and take my mind and call my friends to validate the point are you kidding me and then a whole new generation of people that i wouldn't have never come in contact with the 18 to 35s i got three kids in 18 to 35 and i get to talk to them you know about whatever i want you better put a seat belt i'm having seat belts put in on my seats right now put in a seat belt let's install seat belts on every couch in america on every every like a bus seat in america because when they're listening on monday mornings it's gonna be a bumpy ride i'm very excited to have you aboard prime i think i don't know there's like a bunch of different ways that we can get you on this show on sundays

one of my ideas because we talked last time about your tackling we had a very good conversation about that i was thinking maybe yeah you were offended maybe we could do like deon sanders biggest hit of the week best tackle of the week so we can rebrand you now as a big hit yes yes because i actually from my career i have a hit reel that's 59 minutes long and i just need one more hit to make it an hour so i could package it and you keep on messing with me about this hit reel i know where we'll find this one hit it that's why i take a hit from you i yeah i go across the middle against you deon i'm not afraid of that i'll do anything for content that's what you'll learn about us pretty quickly or we could just have you race people because i know

last time you were on the show we had you challenge teo to erase teo you don't want none he said he did first of all you gotta understand teo teo don't realize that first of all in 40s um and oh that mean i've never lost okay he got to understand in the 40s my one of my favorite rapper is e 40 you know that my guy he got to understand i've never drank a 40 okay in my life and he got to understand i don't even look like i'm 40 and he's not even known for running a 40 and he's gonna challenge me that's what i like about these new shows i get to say all this stuff yes and nobody wants to stop me no i love it you want the truth and controversy do not scare you guys it's true you guys are as controversial as it come so i get that too yes yes so we should

bring up you made controversy last week you went viral yeah for your thoughts which well let's read the tweet do you have the tweet yeah i got the tweet right here all right we'll get your thoughts on it it says all players opting out in sports please believe the game will go on without you this is a business and don't you ever forget that there's no one that's bigger than the game itself only the ref umps and officials are that important that you can't play without them not you hashtag truth well you did do hashtag truth so it's hard to argue with that i would say well i think i don't think you lied tone deaf maybe yes because well no it's the way you read it first of all i wasn't taking a shot at my guys okay i'm a player too yeah i wasn't taking a shot

i was just allowing them to understand hey guys if you opt out i'm cool with it that's your thing god bless you basketball players have guaranteed salaries baseball players have guaranteed salaries football players are not the expectancy of your career is only three years anyway if you opt out i just really want you to know there's a major possibility and chance that you may never play again just keep that in mind because normally football players and athletes don't understand this is a business until business slaps us in the face yeah i actually agree with that and when i was reading it i was reading it with that mindset saying that the game will move on without you whether or not you like it you might be used to having your

starting spot here you might be a star i think some people interpret it as saying like uh like you're not as you're you're not big like like don't think that you're bigger than the game in other words like some people saw you coming in from a perspective of like pushing the players back a little bit i didn't read it that way i didn't read it that way people only read stuff and interpret stangs from where they are emotionally and mentally you gotta understand man i'm a player's player i'm always fighting for the players i and i love to love i love people i want people to be happy so when i take a stance like that i'm really just trying to educate you and like hey man i think it's 69 players who opted out i can't wait to see the statistics the following

year of how many of those players go back to those teams that they opted out from i can't wait to see it whatsoever it's going to be fascinating to me but you do agree like some of the players opting out for maybe their family has health issues and they can't take that risk that's totally understandable right you're just saying understand the business side which i agree with i think people don't talk about that enough you know that the nfl ruthless understand this is their business understand there's some gms there's some head coach is saying i'm so you you opted out when i needed you last year all right so when i do business on the other side don't get sensitive and see the thing about people even if people got alarmed for what i said if they see some of these

gentlemen in a mall at a grocery store having a good time in public with their kids they're gonna say well i thought you had a quarantine now why are you in public did you opt out that's how mindless people are you know that yeah if a guy up youtube if a guy opts out and you see that same gentleman pushing his kids in a playground amongst people what would you say i'd probably uh i'd probably in that circumstance i'd be like hey nice to see you hope you're doing well hope the family's good but i have an autograph but i know i know what you're saying that it puts you under a little bit of a microscope somehow and i think you were coming out from a perspective of just being realistic not necessarily saying that it's a good thing that the game will steamroll anybody or that

like some of these gms might look at it next year and say like oh this guy didn't want to play with us during a pandemic i'm gonna cut him i don't think that that i don't think you're saying that that is necessarily a fair or a good thing but that is the reality of the situation like this this league will move along when i say the game will go on i'm being honest hey man this game is going on whether you out there or not that game is gonna go on they're gonna play football they're gonna find another guy to replace you and if he does his job he's really gonna replace you it's the sad truth but it's reality so i'm gonna take a spin zone positive spin zone what you just said you're guaranteeing that there's going to be an NFL season because we've had had

some bad news today obviously the big 10 and 12 guaranteed prime guarantee i can't guarantee nothing but me i i bet on prime i'm not the bad man but i bet on prime still i don't bet on another man i don't ever do that what so i mean you don't want to play black jack with me because i'm playing for me matter of fact i don't care what the draw is i'm playing for me okay my ruling black jack i'm not going to hit myself out yeah how am i gonna take you don't like to hit me and establish that yeah that's a whole another thing but i really do feel like NFL will play this year okay i like that also but i do have one one thing to point out about your tweet i disagree with it says only the ref umps and officials are that important what about the fans we pay the salaries the fans are

wonderful thank you but if the fans don't show up that game is still gonna be played yeah but what about watching how can you start a game without the office and officials kick off call your own file yeah i do your own Thanksgiving every year every year on thanksgiving yeah people play they play football without officials yeah oh in the backyard call your own foul they don't count they don't count they don't count ain't nobody paying to see them play in the backyard well we come on man it's a league here in Dallas called hood to hood i have never i want to thank you guys there i have never seen nothing in my life like this imagine it's a brother on every yard line down there that's how many brothers on this field in his tackle football sand block

i watched one game and i saw three amulets has come join one game to scrape her brother up and take him off the field you're talking about hidden i ain't never seen a like this man i want to produce it and put it on television because it's better than the mma prime good now that your professional podcaster we have to do something about your computer that tells you every hour on the hour what time was that what was that the eight o'clock that was a day i didn't know so that that's gonna be great wait has your computer has it been doing that ever since you've had it is this something where you're like waiting for your son to come over to fix you know me like you guys go get to know me you know i'm not computer literary i don't know anything about a computer

i don't know anything about a phone but how to push sand and how to doubt i'm not that guy i so i don't know i don't know matter of fact i think i need a new one no i don't know i like this when you listen to 21st and prime which which dion is going to be debuting very soon on the barstool sports network you not only are listening to a podcast with a hallfamer but you also get the time told to you every hour yeah and you know what else we'll throw in the clock for free why hadn't you guys mentioned that we're gonna do a show yeah on sunday yes we i did yeah yeah we're gonna do a show on sunday with all prime time we're gonna do there's gonna be a pregame show that i'm gonna do i'm talking about we're gonna get together yes there's gonna be a pregame

show and then there's gonna be the the part of my take you're gonna be on this podcast every sunday as well we're gonna have you busy you're gonna be working hard are you ready for that okay who who's the guy that i don't know excuse me for this being ignorant but who's the guy with the patreon gone like one of you got a that's yeah that's dave a tank that's dave and that's also our producer hank yeah okay so can you ask this question for lightly he's listening does he really think if tom brady was the quarterback all these guys would have opted out hank oh hank good question i think they would i know it's a good question that's why i asked you you think they would have still yeah most of them were defensive players and you really do think

if tom brady is there which darn dear shershaw that you're gonna have a shot at the super bowl would assure you that you're gonna win at least 11 games which assures you that you got a shot you really do think i think i think i think i think they have a better shot with cam than tom oh wow that's a take holy shit what do you think about that i like it hank that's why i like god i like this stuff mama mama i'm where i want to be that's why i like you guys because that statement right there i'm gonna flush you with that i'm gonna flush you with that see i have the ability to pick up this phone right here and call tom that's the guy i am i got it like that you call tom he's filling julian to get his filling on that you should call him right now you should call tom

right now call him he's busy right now oh okay interesting yeah he's busy tom's gonna be excited to know that you joined up with us though i think he listens to the show julian listens to the show when julien would drive him to work julien listens to every episode yeah julien's like i first of all i think jul and edamon i mean julien edamon that was stupid julien and edamon yeah i'll be a practice deal yeah he should he should go with tom he should that should be automatic i think you're probably trying to you can't break up the jyxons you can't break up derne new addition and neither one of the guys are bobby you you can't break up that kind of stuff peaches and herb you can't break up guys like that man you you can't do that man

hammering too big mc it was never the same when hammer left too big mc you can't break up people like that i've always said that about him yeah you can't break up your stuff like this man i think edamon probably tried to just curl up into a ball and get into a suitcase when tom was moving down to florida and they caught him at tsa because you know that you know he's gonna be missing tom um well prime we're very excited to have you yes this is the beginning of a beautiful thing let's let's do this though because you're gonna flush hank with that opinion later on in the season why don't you give us your weight yeah way too early way too early uh super bowl winner do it super bowl winner yes contestant all right give us a contestant from each from each conference a mc

kansas city is the easy choice yep but i don't i don't like it i don't like it i got to get at some thought because i haven't had my i got my high school coaching hat on right now i don't have my pro hat on right now okay give us one nfc is gonna be tough i really like the saints man okay okay i really like the saints in the nfc the afc darn it oh okay i'll give you off the hook i'll give you off the hook with afc and i'll change the question for a follow up question prime in his prime going up against mike thomas can't guard mike what's his stat line why would you even ask me something like that and i'm gonna go like why would you do that come on what's his stat line that's like an insult that this is like asking

tyson in his prime would he would he would he deal with sugar right come on man two catches do you know how daunting it was to line up in front of a dog that know you can't get deep do you understand how how disruptive that is to understand if you curl your route one step too far that you could possibly see me dance for six days until the next game occurred do you understand that i don't know do you not understand that even your parents and your girl are probably gonna want to take a picture with me after the game i'm not just digging what i did no you don't understand this stuff man so what man one touch shot i'm playing against jerry rice man mike urban uh during christ caught i played against hall of famers guys art monk

undre read i played against the greats see this is what we're gonna do every sunday night we're gonna have the guy who had the most catches we'll be like what would his stat line have been against prime you're trying to compare a monument to a moment that's did you just come up with that right now what a quote this is what you guys go get i haven't had this platform to give you all this stuff i got in my head all right all right let me get it out let me do you want better let me do you want better we've already established that you would shut michael thomas down zero catches zero yards maybe two pick sixes derek henry takes a toss to the outside he's coming right at prime time how do you bring him down i had totally out there right yeah that's true you had some help

you know i had totally out there right he has a gold jacket he ain't by you know i had they got you know you know in san francisco i had a guy named richard dent out there too you know yep gold jacket he didn't buy i just want to share that yeah that's a good point yeah well deon this is awesome man we're so we're so so pumped uh i'm i mean i'm jacked up just from from listening to you for 10 minutes so sundays will never be the same sundays will never be the same we got it we got to set it up we're gonna set a time and i know you're a big clock guy we're gonna set a time every sunday night we're gonna just have you on for let's say 20 now 20 minutes and we're gonna break it all down what about 21 21 perfect perfect that's awesome

perfect i love it um your your computer will tell you when 20 minutes 21 minutes happy yes it will i i did have i have one more question to ask you because i just remember i know you would i saw this i saw this video yesterday the nfl throwback twitter account did a little highlight reel of you and they showed all your best high steps what is the earliest that you started high stepping into the end zone because i think i saw one that started on about the other 25-yard line probably probably against houston warren moon but i don't know why he did it but he threw like a little quick out and i got him and i looked at him too and like and he was running you know one of those times you have to run at the guy to make it look good but you know

you're not gonna catch him and it was that it was that kind of thing i think that was the longest one beautiful god damn it well deon it's great to have you part of the uh team i can't believe that i'm you know i can call deon sanders a colleague i think that probably diminishes you and elevates me you're just gonna have to you know soak that moment in but uh welcome aboard and we look forward to everything that we've gotten coming up you know you guys know what my ultimate goal is with barcels what i'm i'm i'm really thought hard about this because i love the the transparency i love the controversy i love that being able to flush everything out my head but my ultimate goal i want to be employee of the week okay well we have that award we do that award every single week

yeah i want i weekly i plan on winning that award or weekly oh perfect perfect well deon we'll talk soon thanks again man we're so pumped appreciate it if you hear toilet flush if your is your guy across from you guys okay god wait i thought you didn't always flush yeah always flush okay all right that interview was brought to you by three chi you guys have heard us talk about three chi non-stop recently and there's a reason for it i'm not even using the script anymore it's because three chi is the shit it is awesome i think we all use it everybody here at barcels uses it it's one of the best products that advertises with us you will not be disappointed

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got tinctures they've got oils they've got gummies you can use those oils to make your homemade edibles use promo code PMT at the number three chi dot com three chi dot com and now dungeons and dragons okay it is time we've taken a couple weeks off but it's time for dungeons and dragons and we have our good good friend Tim Woods in studio with us great to be here good to see you all it's exciting great to see you Tim it's also great to see all the dye that you brought it absolutely I miss getting to roll the physical dye on the table so now we get to kind of do that again yeah seeing that Tim I don't know if you've noticed this I'm sure that you have but you have quickly become one of the favorite if not the favorite recurring guest on part of my take you are you

are universally blocked I don't think that there's anybody out there that's been like I hate Tim I appreciate that so much I like to think dungeon dragons is a game where people don't realize how much they love it until they see it in action and then once you see it in action you can't resist it it's too much fun yes yes so we're excited to have you back um so can we do a quick refresher on where we're at and then we'll get right into it no problem so we are by all rights now our adventuring party are the heroes of the village of greenest because we saved the village from the evil dragon cultists and their evil dragon minion lenithon who we kind of drove off after berserker billy did turn upon us and last session began with us taking down the traitorous berserker

billy and then kind of following up on another quest we discovered from a young monk's apprentice named pilo that there were several prisoners taken and we have taken up the pursuit of these cultists who escaped with a few of the villagers and what sounds like this poor monk's master has also been taken prisoner and we kind of got to where the cult in this box canyon seemed to have fortified themselves and we did manage to take out their guards there had been a bunch of kobolds and one human guard up in a tower we threw our kobold bob costus up into the tower and then it was our new press box wizard arrived our new teammate the kind of wizard scholar reporter as it were who has arrived on the scene to help us it was his thunder wave spell as I recall that had blown

all the other minions out of that tower and we have silenced the initial alarms and as we are kind of looking into this valley full of cultists we're noticing a couple of things going on first of all we can see many tents where all these cultists and kobolds look like they're kind of celebrating their victory but well semi victory we kind of thrashed them pretty bad yeah fled from the town so they're celebrating their spoils and their prisoners we can see in the distance beyond what appear to be cook fires where they're all gathering to feast we can just barely see some people about five people it looks like all tied to posts with their arms behind their back so we're already spotting just a little bit past all of these cultists the prisoners that we're

looking for but the prisoners are just below a mountain cliff at the top of which we are seeing a lazily sleeping dragon the dragon lenithon is sound asleep at the top of the cliffs just above the prisoners and all the cultists look like they're just about to have dinner there's big stew pots going on where they're gathering around to feast we're also noticing there's one big tent in particular it definitely looks like the leadership tent if there is a leadership tent here and just behind the leadership tent there's a cave entrance but this could be anything just a cave a little bit past the leadership tent so this dragon lenithon that's the dragon that billy attempted to conquer they had a toxic relationship what happened is she

taking some time off is this like self-care for her is she tired or is she is she ready for another relationship yet or is she just figuring you know out what she wants to be doing with her life by all right she is sound asleep napping right now and if you were to judge based on the expression on her sleeping face she has already forgotten if i could if i could just do like a side dungeon in dragons if i could pick my perfect ending to this it would be that we we reanimated billy we saved his skull we reanimated him then we fucked the dragon in front of him then killed him again that's just my that's my dream okay what should we do ideal all right so we need to figure out what it is we want to accomplish here like it sounds like

they've got some prisoners that they've taken do we want to say don't care about them dude do we just be honest want to go to the dragon well all right so we have jake so jake is the scholar i'll let jake jake why don't you let's get jake involved and let's jake let jake you decide what our next move is going to be as a group mm-hmm tim i was kind of first of all thank you for letting me uh join this journey absolutely no problem jake let me also ask a quick question as a reminder for me did your elf wizard have a name yet you do not i don't think we had a name yet i think also you might have said just jake possibly i'm not 100% sure on that either we'll we'll cook on that a little bit your elf wizard will have a darling or you can set cake cake yeah cake okay cake the

wizard sure cake the wizard done i'd also like to note that uh that cake the wizard went to a very prestigious school for wizardry he went to uh medel he's a medel grad where he learned all this magic and spells love it fantastic as a wizard you did learn all of your magic from books and schools and stuff like that so you are a highly intelligent highly accomplished wizard but uh other situations that require you to like survive fireball blasts and things like that those will not be your forte okay so i would you decide yeah i was kind of intrigued about the mysterious cave absolutely so if you're curious about the mysterious cave i'm happy to report that as an elf you are trained in perception i'd let you roll the d20 right now and you have a coach three on perception to see what

can i see about this cave or since you're kind of a cultist or you know nearby we're hiding in the bushes kind of looking into your you might overhear something all right so go ahead roll a d20 plus three calling 18 absolutely love it 11 11 still very good and with a plus three that's a total of 14 i'm going to say you can just barely see in the cave a figure comes stepping out who is wearing a dragon mask and then you see him pull out these two short swords he spins one of them in the air and you can tell this guy knows what he's doing with these two swords there is a guard there that much is obvious and then you overhear one cultist loudly shouting at a kobold no you're not allowed to go over there the hatchery you think you're allowed near there forget it you kobolds can

stay by your own tents and eat your own food and they're really treating these kobolds real bad but you heard the word hatchery as he pointed at the cave so you learned those two pieces of info with a 14 whoa whoa all right who's next and in theory that's our wizard up first that's perfect because then earlick that would bring us to you next in theory and then it looks like wane and then norm after that we should go in that we got some we it's it's a question about hatcheries absolutely so is a hatchery is it what it sounds like are there eggs in there is it like a nursery where they're like small kobolds or hatchery indicates that there are eggs of some kind so do i tell you what we want to do before i roll or after in theory tell me what you're gonna do

and then i'll roll we'll roll to see if it is a i think i mean it's there's four of us in one guard i think we should take the guard out and try and take take the hatchery yeah you could head through the hatchery right now you can see the prisoners in the distance we're just kind of going around them right now we don't care about them so if you are trying to go for the hatchery i will let you lead the team in kind of sneaking along and this if you're trying to avoid the rest of the army right now you would be getting to roll a stealth check and that would be a plus two for you earlick to see if you can sneakily get us to the cave entrance how'd you do on that total it's a four so right now as we see our gnome warlock sneaking ahead

suddenly the gnome warlock is getting spotted by a few cultists along the way we're gonna see exactly how many cultists are and so it seems like a team of three cultists and one kobold who were eating some food and then they look up and they see you and they're like wait who's that gnome and they start approaching you right now that would bring us to wanes turn next and when you're kind of traveling with the gnome right now if you want i've got some experience experience sneaking into places what if we got dressed up as like old people like an old man a woman and uh i guess hank could be like our um our caretaker that can bring us in so is that possible can we disguise ourselves absolutely we're already kind of dressed up in cultist robes right now but apparently a

gnome was a little bit suspicious so they're coming over to look at us if you're trying to roll to trick these people into thinking that we're cultists now or something like that we already kind of look like them you'd be rolling a deception check and you have a plus five on this could i in theory dress up like disguise myself as an attractive female gnome and then the gnome would be too concerned with looking at me and then all the other guys just for the game just for the game not for real life no i don't want to wear a dress i don't you know you would never obviously not going to put on a dress but uh in this circumstance i think it might be advantageous absolutely i'll let you know that there are two humans and a dwarf approaching this gnome right now and you are a

dwarf so dressing up like a female dwarf is something that you could do to try to like trick this just as a human as well go ahead and roll deception to see how good a disguise this is then oh that's a five it's not a great disguise well you have a plus five on this though and with a 10 you can see the humans kind of looking at you like and the dwarf is looking at you with a smile right now he seems like he's nodding and they're approaching if they say we don't uh we don't recognize you or have you been traveling with this with resmir's band is what they say for a long time uh yeah yeah my whole life mm-hmm well really really uh that long oh interesting roll one more time so far they kind of aren't seeing through your disguise but uh this is 17

17 and with a plus five on that uh you are absolutely they are eating this up right now they say wait years that means you must be in resmir's inner circle she must know you very well are you you mean the boss lady she's a big fan of yours i've been in her circle once or twice yeah oh that's okay fantastic you can see that the dwarf is hoping to schmooze with you more in order to kind of like get a promotion by getting to know you better but right now they'll believe anything you tell them if you need to scamper away from them right now they'll they'll believe any excuse you give them what would you like to tell them so i would like to tell them uh follow me around this corner where they can't see the rest of my my troop that's trying to get it would you like all three

of them and the kobold to follow or only some of them i feel like all three right yeah i want to give you guys like a wide opening to this man cave absolutely you get all four of these individuals to kind of like follow you a little bit and the rest of your friends are therefore able to sprint by no problem wane well done and that will bring us to norm the barbarians turn while this distraction is going on norm you can run for the cave entrance i'm ready for it but by the way before i do my turn tim do you do you lift lift because your arms are looking kind of good i've been stuck inside for a while so i have been doing i notice like i notice you're working out i can do your biceps are looking fucking sweet appreciate it thanks that's that was just an outside the game you're

that so i'll take it thank you i notice i notice you know what they should do they should make weighted dice like huge 20 side dice you roll so you can yeah as you practice my rolling hand yes strong one for sure all right so uh i'm gonna bum rush it right i gotta get in there so if you sprint for the cave entrance right now you should be able to attack that guard without anybody seeing you thanks to the distraction provided by okay so if you charge this guard you can see he's wearing this dragon mask carved of wood and as soon as he starts to register an enemy rushing at him he's immediately spinning his blades over you he looks like a ninja almost in action and it looks like he might be tough to take down but you could swing or you could swing and go reckless and get

advantage on the attack i'm going to i'm gonna let billy talk you gotta be careful your health is extremely low all right forget that billy don't talk anymore nope nope billy's done talking i'm gonna go reckless on this bitch absolutely you get to roll 2d 20 all right here we go you didn't even need to go reckless you got the critical hit and i know that based on the damage you deal which would be four of these d6s plus another five for raging you are insta killing he likes to do a flip through the air and you just hold up your sword he lands upon it and then you just shake your sword around slashing him up dude oh billy how fucking jealous are you of what i just did you would never be able to do that i just instant killed that dude i hope norm died

okay now at this point norm you have absolutely obliterated this dragon man guard this ninja dragon guard and you are seeing that he is falling dead to the ground unfortunately you have gone reckless and you did not see that from around a pillar another one of these guards is stepping out and he saw you take out his friend but now he's leaping out trying to take advantage of your m he is getting a 21 on his attack which is going to hit your armor class and then with his second attack luckily that one is a miss so he manages to get you with one of his swords for another it's going to be eight points of damage norm you only take four points of damage because you are raging so you still have a smidgen of hit points left for sure okay i've taken a lot

of damage that's fine i'm concerned with his health right now fine so i mean is there a way that we can get his health back up like eating these eggs maybe certainly i would say that as we come back to the wizard's turn one thing that the wizard would have come equipped with was one healing potion and in theory if you wanted to run over and try to deliver to norm a healing potion you could or you could launch a powerful spell attack to try to take out the guard that he is messing with right now i'm a team player there you go take give him give him some like uh nano bubbles some rustle wilson water mr unlimited yeah there we go love it you're giving him that you're giving him the healing potions all right absolutely then i will let you know that you have just healed him

let's see how much this is going to be total you have just healed him for seven points of damage norm is back up to about nine hit points okay now so he's got that going from good and you've used your action to kind of like baby bottle this to him a little bit you said it to him i just wanted on the record because uh people can't see all this going on in the room billy is absolutely beside himself that i am back alive just fucking people up and he's a little bitch that's dead this is billy skull that we have on the table absolutely and that would bring us from the wizard the wizard's turn cake the wizard that would bring us to earlick now earlick luckily you almost got caught but then uh wane managed to distract the people who are approaching you what

would you like to do you can run for the cave now and try to do something against this other dragon guard who is here or you could try to do something else you could even try to convince uh talk to this guard if you wanted to no let's take out the guard i think we've got a good good team work going we're all we're all doing our job i'm just gonna roll a nice uh you launch the wizard's blast at this guard oh how do we do on this hank good hank it's a one it's a one i'm sorry to say hank i'm gonna need you to roll one more time because right next to this guard norm the barbarian had been standing we need to see if with that one you might have hit norm instead of the dragon fang 10 10 with a 10 that is not quite enough even with your bonus

because his armor class is 15 and you just got a 14 total so i didn't so no friendly you did not no friendly fire in this particular case congratulations love it tim are there certain dnd players that are better at rolling dice you know what sometimes people are hot on the dice one day and then it can be a streak of bad luck unfortunately sometimes everyone has some lucky days and some bad days in my experience but uh the luck of the draw is how it goes wane that would bring us to you next now wane just before you go i would want to let you know you see norm fighting what appears to be the last of these ninja dragon guards but you can also see at the command tent it appears like the flap is moving like as we've been making a little bit of

noise the command tent is the one closest to the cave somebody is moving around in there like any moment they might look out the tent and try to see what we're up to okay and i'm already i'm currently distracting these what four people mm-hmm you're distracting four people right now so you see all this happening in the distance but they do not see what's happening okay but if i get into the cave then they won't see anything going on in the cave right uh yes that's true yeah all right so i feel like i i gotta leave my four people mm-hmm maybe i i don't know maybe i teach them i tell them a joke so funny they keep laughing go ahead and roll a performance check if that's what you want to do because right now they want to hear all about resmir and you don't you could try to lie and make

that up at performing would probably be a better yeah i'll perform some it's a 10 it's a 10 they already like you a lot so roll one more time on that okay advantage a 12 a 12 plus five is a 17 the dwarf is loving it but you can tell he's just trying to schmooze up to you right now the humans are really appreciating the joke the cobalt doesn't get it exactly but he's not someone worried about you are able to distract all four of these individuals now well done okay all right so now i think i want to join my crew i want to go into the cave give them back up if they need it absolutely you can run into the cave and now you can see we're still fighting the one dragon guard you could use your bonus action if you want to to inspire somebody now at this point you could

give inspiration to norm or somebody else okay i'm gonna fuck him up i can i can i like this is more of a cake thing but i would like to write a puff piece about him that he could read his own press clippings and be like yeah i really can do this like i write a really nice article about how much time uh that big cat's been putting into his work and he's gotten stronger and in the best shape of his life this off season something like that you start shouting out to norm you've been putting in so much work like we believe in you love it and he feels inspired that means if norm gets close but no cigar on his next hit he can add bardic inspiration to his role to pump that up a little bit love it we're gonna get back to our quest in just a second but before we do this dungeon

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and your damage against this dragon fangard is going to be a total of 10 points that is enough to take the guard down just barely you slay this guard and now you can see a tunnel leading deeper in now norm you can use your move to start running down that tunnel if you want or absolutely what do you think i should run in let you guys know what's up yeah yeah just yeah all right or you could make a perception check you want to like i'm not really perception guy i'm just gonna go i running all the way through into the tunnel yeah yeah i'm gonna go for i'm gonna go for absolutely as you charge in you can see this kind of cliff drop off it doesn't seem like there's any more guards here you can see a clip drop a cliff drop off that goes 10 feet down into what

appears to be a big forest of mushrooms and other fungi down here it looks like there has just been mold growing all over the walls draping down from the ceiling and all kinds of weird fungus are growing in this cavern it looks like you could get to the other side and climb up the other side of this kind of fungus pit but you're not sure would you want to jump down or try to climb down right now this seems like a level in hot lava i don't know what to do i don't know what to do you could you could try to climb down jump down or look around now at this point now you've gone down just a little i'll go down i'm gonna go i'm gonna you know i'll climb down i'll climb down you start to climb down go ahead and roll a d20 with advantage because you are raging to see how

well you climb 18 there we go already doing great you might get a critical hit if you roll again but yeah if you had a critical 20 with a critical hit you start to climb down but when you're halfway down you start to notice something in the fungus forest is reacting to your movement something is starting to move around and you think it's the mushrooms themselves there are some fungi here that are starting to grow creepy little tendrils and they're slithering now you could with that critical hit climb back up real quick and you'd be back up on the cliff is he high from just being around the mushrooms he's hallucinating this doesn't seem like there are spores in the air but they haven't affected you yet so yet um you guys are gonna come you guys are

gonna come join me though right yeah totally absolutely so what like so what are my options i can just go down or continue to climb down and then you'll be among these mushrooms and their creepy tentacles or you can climb back up because you got a critical hit you spotted this in time all right i'll go back up i'll go back up and wait for my crew and now you can like you can't reach down to hit these mushrooms but you could throw like javelins yeah let me throw a couple of turns totally even starts like like zombies just start uprooting themselves and slowly they're marching towards you these big purple mushrooms walking like little adorable people kind of and uh then at that point the people still at the cave entrance start to notice the flap of the

command tent flap out and for just a moment a hooded figure looks out and it's very much like kind of a uh darkler palpatine vibes we're getting there's definitely like a hooded figure in there who for just a moment puts out a clawed hand puts the flap out and then pulls the flap back like they're trying to hide themselves and they're loudly shouting at some people in the room who are scurrying out and for just a moment everyone at the cave entrance is seeing this flash of light inside that tent that illuminates the person we saw and the other people running around in there but also a big slab maybe like a table that's slightly on an angle and there seems to be somebody rising up from off of that slab maybe or table in the command tent the blue injury tent on a sideline

whoa we've got somebody that to work on and somebody's walking towards the entrance got it and uh that was norm's turn we're back to the wizard's turn now what would you like to do you see this all happen at the command tent but you've also seen norm rushing a head down into the cave where the fungal forest is yeah so we can't leave him hanging right hmm might want to need to rush in to help him for sure Jake then it'll be too early to my boy yeah i just want to say it's my life has has like the improvement on my life switching you for billy has been incredible billy's on snapchat right now no problem yeah okay so am i rolling absolutely so you can get down to where the barbarian is you see he just climbed up from the cliff and is pointing down at these

violet fungi these purple mushrooms who are marching towards you you've got a couple of options here you could try to do a spell that would hit all of these enemies the two spells i can think of that would hit all of them are either thunder wave that blast that hits a bunch of people and throws them back or your burning hand spell just like hank and earlick you have a burning hand spell that is a cone that hits lots of people yeah i would love to do that's a great one absolutely i will go ahead and roll saving throws that represent for all the fungi that is not quite enough and so you are going to get to deal three d six damage of fire damage to all these fungi all four of the mushrooms as they come slithering out they're reaching their tendrils weekly up towards you and

you just give a blast of fire down to them it hits all four of them and incinerates them instantly congratulations well done time out real quick are we are we just like the best players ever you are through these enemies right now we're just crushing everyone damn love it good job guys and uh Wayne that was a great turn for kink away and what would you like to do now all right so if i'm to understand i'm sorry my mistake earlick is up now yeah absolutely so earlick uh you just saw all the mushrooms up ahead get incinerated but back at the command tent something is definitely happening you know that too but if the mushrooms are gone now can't we go back down and and go absolutely you should be able to climb down no problem into the fungal forest or do we want

to take out the people in the tent just so we're safe mm-hmm it looks like somebody is heading our way maybe what do you guys think because we don't want to go down into the mushroom forest and then get trapped you know held held by the by the mysterious figure i mean i hate to quit harping on the fact that these are mushrooms but since we just lit them on fire can can we breathe in their fumes you can attempt to certainly yes i'm kind of with i'm on pft's i'm with pft let's let's go see we can get some residual absolutely contact high go ahead and this will be a constitution saving throw did you get a one a three a three it's very exciting results it's always a little fun when somebody's getting crazy rolls but uh unfortunately right now you are inhaling poison

that is causing you to take a total of just one point of poison damage could have been a lot i mean just kidding just one point of poison damage i love that so uh you've still got a good number of hit points left uh just one point of poison damage to that i would say that was just part of your move if you wanted to go further through the fungi cave now you could if you want to come on hey yes we do let's go hang go ahead and roll at the athletics check to climb down 11 and then you climb up the other side of the fungi cave and now you are in the next room which appears to split in two different directions one is a staircase that leads down to the right and then one is a tunnel that goes to the left and from the left tunnel you hear growling or even

maybe barking of some kind coming down coming to from that direction from the stairs to the right like a dog not a dragon like a dog maybe but at the same time there's something growling and maybe draconic about it like a weird mix of some kind and you know what you can roll a knowledge check right now on that to see if you recognize what this is 18 18 you recall that when we were at the castle the cultists had things called drakes which are like mini dragons without wings you think you are hearing many drakes growling to the left whereas the stairs to the right go down okay absolutely and then Hank that's your move getting across there love it and we will see what you do on your next turn but then we're gonna kill the drakes bft yeah i gotta kill the drakes yeah i hate these

drakes i hate them i hate them so much like a multi-track drake is what you're telling me so absolutely i want to go down i want to follow hank into his path go ahead and just roll the climb check to make sure you didn't fall while climbing down to or through the fun okay all right i love oh no it's a play on it's a two uh right now you are falling a little bit and having trouble climbing back out you just take one point of damage as you slip from the rocks take a tumble hit the ground but try one more time to try back out now 17 17 you climb out the other side no problem after one point of damage and you get to the other side you can hear now the drakes to the left and then stairs down to the right which way would you like to go i would like to go to the

left absolutely i'm already dressed up as a woman right absolutely as a female dwarves small so the drakes should be very attracted to me absolutely you're certainly dressed it seems like one of the cultists so they should be maybe listening to you and what you're seeing is that there is a staircase leading down and there is some kind of a big cage walling off both the staircase and kind of this cliff that's looking down almost kind of like a batting rink type situation it's like they didn't or a zoo would be the better metaphor because you're noticing that down in this pit where the drakes can't leap out there are no fewer than five big blue scale drakes prowling around and the moment they register you they start barking and how oh yeah

they're just the hatchery there's there's another tunnel to the left that's going further down and now you can hear yapping voices like it sounds like kobolds have become alerted now that the drakes are growling and roaring so so as i understand it my character is not good at like just straight up violence right i don't think i'd stand i'll join the chance against the five drakes no not not really no i got you back i'm coming next can i like the room on fire or something like that can i like throw my mixtape in there uh in theory you don't have like a big fire blast spell like the wizard might have but in uh your best uh you could make one of the drakes certainly start laughing hysterically and that would take one of them out

of the fight um you would also be able to try the sleep spell i know you would have the sleep spell to try to put a certain number of drakes to sleep but those would be your best options against lots of enemies i feel like that's my best option at this point right because i don't i have no interest in going to see a bunch of kobolds like we've already seen that we go down further down there sounds like they're gonna come rushing up to the where the drakes are almost like they have the keys to unlock the drakes cage maybe though okay huh i i feel like i put some to sleep there's there's also a chance let's just talk this out there's also a chance like i've been dominant in this game thus far there's a chance i show up and all the drakes just start rooting

for me that's also true right yeah so we might flip it on their head that way uh-huh you could set it up so that you start being like the hype man announcer for norm when he arrives and give him advantage okay for his intimidate check when it comes rushing in to get these drakes on his top i'll be like the the two time defending champion of of uh dungeons and dragons it's norm the barbarian norm can't be stopped absolutely i throw a bunch of like norm hats and jackets down to the drakes so they could put that on because they're like yeah i love that guy the drakes start to see the norm merch landing around looking at it like start like growling like grabbing bits of it and tearing it up but when he arrives he's gonna have advantage because i'll look at the face of

norm on the merch and i'll be looking up at it love it then norm when we come to your turn you have advantage if you want to try to use your move to run in first just you over you had gotten across well yeah roll once to get across the pit in theory to make sure you're doing that for but you have advantage on this because it's athletics and you're raging so do you roll one more time big roll here five uh-oh but but you have a plus five on this you gotta drink first yeah that's just barely enough actually okay just barely make it in time you run over and with your action now you could try to intimidate these drakes you have a plus four on that and now you're rolling two times thanks to look at the norm merch they look up at you and these are oh just howling out to you norm

it looks like if you can get this cage door open these drakes would want to fight for you they they think you're a cultist right now so this isn't that big of a trailer for them but are the drakes are they standing up out of their chairs and clapping wearing stupid sweaters absolutely they're putting their paws up on the wall okay all right go absolutely now at the end of your turn norm that is when we were at the bottom of initiative and at this point none of us can see the command tent anymore because we've rushed pretty far into this tunnel but we do all see someone coming climbing out of the fungi pit as though they have been following us and it looks like an armored figure in a black version of a familiar mask with two horns on either side of it

almost like they rose off of a slab in the command tent and you can see stitches all over their body as though a body which had been hacked to pieces has been stitched back together in some kind of zombified form but what you are seeing is definitely no zombie because you are seeing where their head is behind the mask there are flames rising up ghost rider style you think a skull is all that is it's mountain bills the cage they've turned them into the mountain and billy as you hear in your mind the voice of whoever resmir is the mysterious leader of this group of the cult you hear resmir's voice in your mind saying do it do it now and billy i would like you to charge at norm please oh i'm going to say this right now dude that was the most electric thing ever

i am like buzzing right now we had some tweaks where it was like vader coming off the plane and i was like well don't spoil it everybody but some people did call it first and billy i'm going to be coaching you through your turn but i would highly advise that you use your two attack option right now and start with a guiding strike please you'll receive a plus 10 to your role on the first strike billy so if you could uh take a d20 roll you'll be rolling with a plus 14 on this first roll resmir here wishes my right 16 16 is absolutely a hit with a 30 total i would like you to please roll a d i'll roll for you this d8 plus so so far that seven points of damage which only becomes three against the rage barbarian so norm has six left and resmir says

you must do it now with this second strike i am counting on your bitch you can't do it your bitch 20 good good and with a total of nine points of damage becomes four damage against norm norm you had six hp left you still have two left norm is still standing resmir says you have failed me for the last time you will finish him on your next turn you best not miss no you have another turn those are your action and bonus action right now so you will get another turn after norm's next turn well we should do we should do um i think we have one let's go one more around and end with billy perfect yeah it will be great because someone i imagine is going to be going down at that point so uh wizard you have just seen cake the wizard uh it seems like this old rival has returned

once more what would you like to do can we cast a soy spell on him can we just throw a bunch of soy at him and like right into his eye i don't know i would like to do anything to attack this monster i would say you absolutely could turn upon billy and launch you know one of your cantrip spells would be like fire bolt or ray of frost your most powerful attack spell might be uh maybe a let's see not not thunder wave but you would have a certainly magic missile would be your most reliable strike but your best your best risky attack would be chromatic orb that deals more damage but it might miss completely now i want to say that's your most powerful attack spell chromatic orb you charge it up and hopefully hit magic missile doesn't do as much damage but it never

misses it's three missiles that always home in and do a little bit of damage otherwise i would also say you have the ability to try to use your mage hand cantrip to try to pick the lock on that cage and release the drakes any of those i think good ideas i mean there's no other choice but to go for it all and use the magic orb or whatever the chromatic orb so you're going all out all you get to choose an element now you get to choose fire cold poison acid lightning or thunder are your choices all of these should be pretty good against berserker billy i'll tell you right now so it's not a so much an important choice as is aesthetics seeing a thing of lightning just hit absolutely so you see a you charge up an orb of lightning and you're gonna throw it at berserker

billy roll a very important d20 roll plus five now 13 13 all right all right plus five is 18 and billy's armor class as i recall is 16 so you are hitting him and you get to deal all of this damage now oh it's 16 so far and then another two is 18 damage berserker billy is already down to two he's got a crew with me well done cake the wizard dude you just you realize that cake just kicked your ass think about that for a second billy cake just kicked your ass resmar saved me resmar is saying nothing into your mind right now berserker billy resmar wants to disown you right now resmar is like fuck you and i have no son that would bring us to earlick's turn next you could do an eldritch blast you also have burning hands same as the wizard does whichever of these

you would like to do let me e blast them absolutely blast them step back to freedom blast off in his yes so bad 13 13 plus your four is a 17 that is a hit against berserker billy and you are going to be dealing the last damage against him six points of damage and you had been the one to kill him last time also as i recall so yes you just took him down and he falls to the ground and you see the flames burn out on his head you still have a move in a bonus action i don't know you can you can pull out i just enjoy it can i just roll like just like a dance on his grave literally roll a d20 to dance upon his body 10 10 you are managing to climb upon him and like the flames of your patron are burning in your hands and his corpse just starts to burn beneath your feet as

you call upon your infernal power i love the idea that we're just going to be traveling this mystical world and like every like three miles just a different former billy shows up we just kill him again each villain will bring back berserker billy in a different way i think just keep killing his ass can i can i play uh let the bodies hit the floor as my move and then we'll all just rock out roll a performance check right now love it absolutely not absolutely no oh it's only three three uh you are doing a pretty the the dogs uh the drakes start howling along with you but they are not singing in harmony with you unfortunately it's just making a lot more noise than classic drake yeah it's kind of like who it becomes who let the

dogs out after a certain point that song just transitions okay and uh that this point i will have berserker billy just roll oh wait it's my turn oh and right yeah what would you like to do i would like to if we could i don't know if this exists in dungeon dragons but i would love to pull up uh instagram of just dragon dumpers and just take a look at some like fat dragon asses all the boys can huddle around because it's billy's favorite thing yeah absolutely i'll let you give this a roll this is this is i know it will happen if you do well as a nine it's a nine one more time okay one more time for your victory here 13 this is a great party with a 13 as you start to you pull out a book that has a bunch of draconic images in it you're just like moving through artwork

of great dragons and you do pull out the centerfold yeah really good dragons double tap and you are remembering one very important fact as you see a dragon kind of sitting on its nest you realize that you're not seeing any eggs among the drakes but you start to remember there is one other creature that this cult loves that does lay eggs and you start to think that this is the kind of cave where a dragon might lay eggs and since there are no drake eggs in this hatchery you're starting to put two and two together with this roll and realize that somewhere in this cave a dragon has laid its eggs and the cultists are protecting it and so that's a perfect ending oh my god is realizing that we have a chance to maybe get our hands oh yeah i love it oh

ten you're the best man thank you so much as always for sure i fucking love football and i fucking love you guys billy do you have any thoughts jake i'm sorry to make fun of you for your injury it's probably very unfortunate and i wouldn't want to wish bad juju on anybody that's what this is about you're concerned you're you're concerned that it's going to come back and get you well you're not apologizing because it's the right thing to do now you're thinking the injury gods are frowning on me mm-hmm yeah that's yeah anyway thank you it is a real injury

but i'll be okay you shouldn't have been doing anything that's like in the first place the ping-pong table's right there i'll play you on one foot let's go i'm a three-time tennis club champion dare and rebel wind of use crutches so oh You're all the things I've got to remember I'll be coming for you anyway I'll be coming for you anyway

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