Pardon My Take - Joel McHale, Dungeons And Dragons Part 2, And The Match

Episode Date: May 26, 2020

Happy Memorial Day Weekend. Lets have the most epic summer ever. The Match 2 was awesome on Sunday featuring Phil Mickelson, Tom Brady, Tiger Woods, and Peyton Manning (2:34 - 12:05). NFL Rule Changes (12:05 - 16:20). Hot Seat/Cool Throne including Rats and a discussion about Outer Banks (16:20 - 29:15). Joel McHale joins the show to talk about his career, Football at Washington, Community, doing the White House correspondents dinner and his new podcast (29:15 - 76:35). We resume our Dungeons and Dragons campaign with our Dungeon master Timm Woods and you won't believe what the boys got into this time.You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/PardonMyTake

Hey, pardon my take listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen, ad-free, on Amazon Music. On today's pardon my take, we have Joel McHale, great interview with him, and then the continuation of our Dungeons & Dragons fantasy adventure. We have our good friend Tim Woods back on to pick up where we left off, don't worry, we gave everyone a refresher at the start, and we're in some shit. Let's just say that, cliffhanger, we're in some shit.

We have Hot Seat Cool Throne, a little recap of the match, Part 2, and it's all brought to you by our friends at Cash App. Pardon my take, it's always brought to you by Cash App, not only is it the easiest place to send money to your friends, it's the safest, and you've seen us on Twitch. We have Hank playing Call of Duty, PFT playing old school video games, doing some trivia as well, Coach Dugs, well guess what, Twitch, if you're on Twitch, head on over to Cash App's Twitch, because on their stream, Twitch.tv slash Cash App, they're giving away free money every single week.

Every single week, all you have to do is go to their stream, drop your cash tag in the chat when they go live, and they will give people free money. It is that simple, so you're already on Twitch, because you're already watching us ball out on video games, just hop on over to their channel, Twitch.tv slash Cash App, Twitch.tv slash Cash App, put in your cash tag, and you will be ready to go to possibly win some free money, download the Cash App as well, you need that, that's number one, and then go to Twitch.tv slash Cash App, Cash App is everywhere, they know where people are, it's Twitch right now, so go get some free money, and help us out by downloading the

Cash App, and using code BARSTULE for $10 for free, so do it right now, the Cash App is the best, we love them so much, we kiss them on the lips, go download Cash App and put in Twitch.tv slash Cash App, win some free money, okay, let's go. It's part of my take, presented by Bob Stuhl Sports, welcome to part of my take, presented by the Cash App, go download it right now, and then go to their Twitch channel, Twitch.tv slash Cash App, and they're giving away free money, all you gotta do is put your cash tag in their chat when they go live, today is Tuesday, May 26th, happy Memorial Day guys, yeah, summer has begun.

It just felt like an extra long Tuesday, the entire weekend, summer's here dude. It sucks going outside on Memorial Day and not smelling grilled meats everywhere. This is what we should do, we should just make a pledge to each other right now, most epic summer ever. Let's do it, let's all lose our virginities this summer guys. Let's go, I'm gonna take a vacation next week, fine, there we go Hank, go for it, live your best life. You're not a surf, I'm reading a book still, most epic summer ever.

This is the summer that I get a six pack. I really do feel bad for, I've been thinking about this a lot, like if you're in your 20, how old are you Hank, 26? If you're in your mid 20s, you're just giving away a year of your prime, it's like Sean Payton getting suspended for a year with the Saints, it's like you have just given away a year that you'll never get back because I think often about like, oh man, remember when I was in my 20s, it was awesome in the summer. If I had to give one of those years away, I'm sorry, even worse, I think while I do

appreciate your sorrow from me and people of my age group, I think the real, the people that really suffer are the kids, more in Billy's age group that are 18 and 22 and it's like, your summer job is only for money for beer and every single night you're going hard, like when I was that age, it was truly, the summer was truly like, any money I got was just going back into like the party fund. Counterpoint, counterpoint, okay, counterpoint though, if you're between 18 and 22, you still have your entire 20s summers to look forward, like there is still some great summers. If you're in your late 20s, the clock is ticking on your like that vibe that you get

when it's summertime, you're like, I'm not really going to work that hard, I'm going to go on a bunch of trips, maybe a bunch of bachelor parties, I'm just going to go balls to the wall, I have a little cash in my pocket, you're losing a prime year and guess what, you're going to have to retire soon anyway. Even your late 20s, that's almost even too late, like I would say if you're, if you just graduated college, you get this entire year is going to be a free roll for you. You get to celebrate next summer just like you were supposed to celebrate this summer. It's, you know what it's like?

It's basically you need to just update your stat sheet for running back carries. You miss an entire year, so when you're 30, you got fresh legs, people are like, well, he's a 30 year old running back, it's like, dude, not many touches in the summer of 2020. Yeah, you're still healthy, you've got both your livers, I think you have two of those. Yeah, he didn't rack up the mileage, he's got those fresh legs going. I say just, just say fuck it, this year doesn't count, it doesn't count, whatever you do this summer does not count on your permanent record. I'll write a letter.

Be the same age next year. Yeah, this, it's a year off. That would be awesome. That would be sick. Okay. We should do that. We did an age. So we're still 29.

We're still 29. Yeah. I can't, I'm so pumped to be 23 next year. You know what they're going to do? They're just, they should take what they did with the match to the rematch of Tiger and Phil and Tom and Payton and just do it, just do it every other week with a different celebrity like pairing. Yeah.

I would say, but keep Tiger and Phil. Could you imagine if, if our boy Brooks was matched up with our boy Cuddy? That would be electric. That would be sick. The people's champs. God damn. Going after him. So the match two was the big story from the weekend.

It was awesome. Tom Brady with the most relatable golf game ever, where on a big stage just shanked everything and then had one shot that he can go to sleep saying, holy shit, I'm going pro. It was everyone's golf game ever, although he's better than us. It's a mixed blessing because yeah, he at least got that one shot where he's like, that was sick. Everyone saw that I can hit a good shot, but now he has to keep playing golf for the rest of his life.

You can't quit. There have been so many times when I've been almost ready to quit golf and then I hit a shot like on the 18th hole and then I'm like, well, I can't, I can't totally quit golf. I play once a year. Yeah. I was going to say we, we are, we are bad. We quit golf. We quit golf.

We played maybe once a year. The best hole that we played last year. What are you talking about? You don't golf. I don't golf. I think seven times. I just said, fuck it to all my irons and drivers. I was like, I'm just going to putt this par four and I got a seven on it, which I think

is the best hole. Yeah. You, Tony Sheffler, I had to give you money. That's right. Yeah. I took 200 bucks off him. Yeah. It was good to have sports on.

I didn't think that they were going to play, but they said, fuck it. Let's go full send on this round. We're going to play. We're going to play in the rain. It was fun. It was the mic up helped. Phil Mickelson is great on the mic. He's a talker, but I love, I loved hearing them talk.

Brady was like, you could tell how mad Brady was, but he had to also play it cool because he's Tom Brady. Like he's sitting there, Peyton Manning has a third of the Super Bowls of him. He's beat Peyton Manning pretty much every time they played and he's losing to him in front of the whole country. And he was, you could just tell like the inner competitor, he had to be like, stay cool, stay cool. And that one shot basically saved.

Yeah. He has said like, he has said like no words. He said no words for like eight holes. Then he hit that shot and he wouldn't stop talking, which is also the most related thing ever. Like you don't say shit. And then you hit one shot. You should start shit talking all your friends.

I also noticed how Peyton Manning, every time he talks, he sounds like he's in the middle of a commercial delivering like a punchline in a commercial. He just speaks in these little sound bites. It was also relatable. Like Brady hit that putt when Phil Mickelson drove the green on that par four and Brady hits the putt and then they do the little like, are we going to high, are we going to high five? We're going to arm shot.

Social distancing. Social distancing. I, the only, the only complaint I had, it was, it was actually like very, very enjoyable. The only complaint I had was I wish they had just shit talked a little bit more because it was, we had the, you know, oh yeah, Tennessee hasn't been relevant since you've been there Peyton or oh, Eli would have made that putt. Like the little stuff, I wanted them to go in on each other a little bit. Yeah.

It's like kissing your sister, but me beating you is like making out with your son. Right. That's really kind of go at each other. Exactly. Yeah. They did a little bit at the start. Peyton like brought up Nick Foles to Brady when he was chipping and Brady like stopped what he was doing.

He was like, don't say the, don't say the NF word. Yeah. Or like, or like Peyton, you know, Brady out drives Peyton be like, eh, I probably need to hit up your wife for some more of that HGH Peyton. Like shit like that. That's, that's what I wanted. The real shit. And then it feels like, did you say, did you say wife, don't say that word around Tiger.

He'll fuck her. That kind of shit. Yeah. Isn't Phil Mickelson's wife, wasn't she like in really, really good shape because I remember back in the swimsuit issue and like maybe the late nineties or early 2000s, they did an athlete's wives segment and it was like Roger Clemens wearing a suit and then his wife wearing a G string basically. And it was Phil Mickelson and his wife and she was like in much, much better shape than

he was. It like her. Phil Mickelson, he's always had like the man boobs going. He looks pretty good right now, but in the late nineties, early 2000s, Phil was a frumpy mess. Yes, he was, but he, he does look good and it was fun. It was like, it was just fun. Those guys seem like a good time and I would watch that again, I would watch that every

weekend if they, if they provided it, like the highest viewed golf match on cable vault on. Really? People love the amateur stuff. Like whether it's pornography or it's golfers, it's almost better watching people who aren't professionals do it. It was also great when they just gave up on the shot tracers on the amateurs. Like in the beginning, they tried to like trace their shots and then they realized that

we only have it for the fairway. Right. Tom Brady hasn't even come close. Did you feel a little relief, Hank, not having to spin zone every bad shot by Brady at the beginning? No. I still like come to bat when I see everyone like chirping Tom Brady, like that's still, I still get that like defensive instinct in me to just come to his defense.

I don't, it doesn't matter if he's on the buccaneers. People were roasting him unfairly. It was unfair. Well, Peyton Manning retired 10 years ago. Obviously he's better at golf. There you go. Okay. So you are.

That's a good spin zone. Yeah. Who would you like to see in the next match instead of Peyton and, and Tommy? Hmm. Tommy. I mean, someone said MJ. MJ would be electric. MJ, I was actually thinking about that.

Driving in today. I was like, could you imagine? And Chuck? Like Charles? They don't like each other right now. Exactly. Yeah. Charles would be fun to watch just because.

I mean, Justin Thomas called him a fat ass was amazing. That was great TV. Charles was asking for tips during it, like to Imelman and was like wowed by the tip. He's like, wait, that's true. Keep your head down. Yeah. He's like, oh shit. Yeah, that's what I've been doing wrong.

I mean, credit to Charles Barkley. He doesn't have that hitch in his swing anymore. Yeah. He's got a smooth swing. He got what, a bogey or a double bogey? I think so. I think he got a double bogey on the 18th hole. Great.

That's an eagle as far as Charles Barkley is concerned. Yes. I think golf, I mean, like someone like a huge, like a, a Wayne Gretzky or like a big hockey guy. I know hockey guys are pretty big golfers. Right. Whitney. Right.

Well, like a big hockey guy, like a legendary, a well-known someone. I'll tell you what, I'm going to shut up. He's been, he's been taking the off seasons early. Someone should do a video, someone should do a video golf series with him. I'm going to, I'm going to back up my guy with, he would by far be a better personality than anyone else in the NHL right now in terms of on the mic. I'm saying like, I'm saying like a Wayne, I'm saying like all time in the NHL. Right.

But I don't care. I want, the fun part was less than it was Tom Brady and Peyton Manning and more, it was just the live mic and then kind of going back and forth and Phil like explaining things. That was fascinating to me. So more of that. Other news, all we got is the NFL is proposing the fourth and 15 onside kick. Substitution, which I like that a lot. Yeah.

John Harbaugh is nutting himself right now because there's no, there's no bylaw in it saying that it has to be for the team that's playing from behind. Right. So John Harbaugh can now go forward on fourth down after they score a touchdown. Well, they're going to, I would imagine they're going to close that loophole because if you are like up 50, if there's like 10 seconds left, you could just run around in the back field. That would be sick.

Right. So they'll close that loophole either now or after Belichick or Vrabel takes advantage of it. I hope that they don't close it. Yeah. Like at least let us get some chaos in one week and just have like James Winston have Sean Payton run either a double quarterback where it's James Winston and Taysum Hill. They get the snap.

They just ladder it to each other and keep running backwards towards their own end zone until the clock runs out. That's going to be, I'm excited to see which coaches use that like early on in the game and which ones save because you get two per game. Right. Yeah. But it's the 25 yard line. So that's, you give the ball back there.

Yeah. That's quite the flip. Scared money doesn't make money. True. And then the sky judge, which should have happened already. The thing with the sky judge is that all they have to do is officially call it sky judge or even sky judge 10,000 and no one will ever disagree with it. It doesn't even have to be anything new.

You could be the exact same system and just say there's a sky judge. You don't. Sky judge gets it right. Yes. Like refs get it wrong. I think we just. Sky judge gets it right. We just invented religion is what we did.

Pretty much. Yeah. We have a police department, but also God. Yeah. He knows everything. He knows everything. He knows everything. Sky judge will fix all of your NFL problems.

Sky judge 10,000. Call it that. Okay. Get kids that, you know, we're scared of the Terminator when they were kids like get a little bit fear in me. I'll be like, Oh geez, won't go after sky judge 10,000. It might get smart and chase me down. SJ 10K.

Yeah. Done. Boom. Done. All right. We got hot seat, cool throne. You know what that means. It's time to chug some beers, some Bud Light seltzers.

Excuse me. I'm refreshing BL s. What do we got here? Here's with the boys. Yeah. Black cherry lemon lime. I'll take the lemon lime. Lemon lime.

Still coming off. Got some of that vitamin C. Such a bender from this weekend. Are you? No. No. Okay. I think it was so depressing.

I'm working on a take. I think you get drunk or in your living room drinking alone or with friends. Oh, absolutely. Then you do in a bar with the same amount of drinks. Absolutely. Like I can have six beers in my living room and I'll puke on myself, pee myself and go to sleep. When I have six beers in a bar, it's like, okay, my night is one-tenth of the way done.

What are you doing? Oh, Hank just took his fall start, fall start sip. Boo. F's in the chat for Hank. It was depressing getting a text from some friends being like, did you do anything fun from Memorial Day? I'm like, no, dude. Yeah.

What? Yeah, I opened up my window. Horseknot. I had a thrilling game against Florida. I put my rug down. What? I put it down. Oh, you did?

Yeah. Is it like, does it go up the walls? A little tiny bit. And it basically is like my entire living room Florida. I don't remember Hank ordered a rug and 12 by 9 foot rug. Yeah. It's way too big. Huge news.

I found the DACA Anil couch online. Oh, we should buy it for the studio. Yeah, we should. It's like, I think it's $7,000 worth it. I believe it's about 15 feet, it's like 15 feet by 50 feet. You know that the guy that's running the factory floor for that couch absolutely christened every one of them. Oh my God.

He just breaks his condom on it like it's a ship going out to the ocean. All right. Here we go. Hot Seed Cool Throne is brought to you by our friends at Bud Light Seltzer. Try it for yourself and see why great tasting Bud Light Seltzer is putting every other hard seltzer on the hot seat. Hank cheated and didn't finish. This is so good.

I didn't want to. I just don't want to finish it. Yeah, favorite. All right. Hot Seed Cool Throne. Let's do it. And then we got Joel McHale coming up and Dungeons and Dragons, which is electric. Can I just say that Dungeons and Dragons is my favorite game to play?

Yes. It is the best. I'm going to declare this right now. The week of July, preceding July 4th, I think the office is closed, right? So we haven't figured out what we're going to do for episodes that week. Usually we run a best of. We should definitely do a just hour long Dungeons and Dragons that we'll put in there. Turns out your imagination is way better than any video game console.

Yes. Yes. Okay. Let's do it. Hot Seed Cool Throne. Hank, why don't you start? My hot seat is PFT's boy, his goat, his king, Roy Williams. Okay.

So Ty Lawson called him out. I mean, everyone knows Roy is, you know, a little, a little bit suspect. It's not, it's not surprising. Second best coach in the ACC. Ty Lawson went on Instagram stories to call him out and said, who talks about someone when you won them a championship? You're weird. I got messages from 10 NBA GMs.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, stop. You're weird. That's actually weird. And why are you so weird? I was no apostle. I was about to say, yeah, of course it is why you are right? I was going to say somebody going on Instagram stories to talk to you about the first thing that's a former coach, weak move, but just dropping a, you're weird on them.

You're weird, dude. You don't come back from that because everyone knows, yeah, obviously he's a weirdo. He's a college basketball coach. And he continued, I got messages from 10 NBA GMs that said it came out your mouth. That's why I don't fuck with Carolina or support anything y'all do. It's a blessing that I don't open my mouth about shit. They asked me why I don't show loves North Carolina. Roy Williams knows why.

Oh, so what do you do? What were the GMs? I don't know, but he's just on the hot seat. I think there was something with Ty Lawson. Maybe it was Ray Felton, like, like, wrong or something. Roy Williams gave a bad recommendation about Ty Lawson. He's not a player's guy. That's fine. Listen, you can keep those words in your dad gum mouth because Roy Williams

is still a great coach, best coach in the ACC. And Ty Lawson was putting up Instagram stories from like his Carolina days up until 2016. Interesting. So it's it's somewhat of a recent beef. Interesting. You're weird, dude. You're weird. He is a weirdo. I mean, everyone's a weirdo. All it takes is one, you know, this is a domino thing, though. It just takes one of these allegations and then another player comes forward,

then another play comes forward. All I'm saying is Roy Williams, he should be feeling feeling some heat underneath those buns. Have we already forgotten about what? All right. And my cool thrown, my cool thrown from that is Mike. That's just fake news. That's just allegations. My cool thrown is Mike Tyson. He's in the airways again. We talked about his movie coming out, the Jamie Foxx Impressions.

And now there's videos of him training him fighting. And he apparently has been offered $25 million if he gets back in the ring. So it's cool thrown. Mike Tyson, everyone, he's just the hot. He's the hotness. I did see that occurring guest of the show, by the way. That's right. I saw that he got offered to fight Sonny Bill Williams, the New Zealand rugby player, who's also the heavyweight champion of New Zealand. He's like the best athlete in the history of the island, the South Island, I believe.

People are in New Zealand. There's like four and he's the top. Yeah. And the entire Adams family already moved out to Oklahoma City. So Sonny Bill Williams is the toughest guy in New Zealand right now. I would actually watch that fight because he said you might remember him from the World Cup when he gave his medal to that kid that sprinted on to the field. Everyone remembers that. That was Sonny. Which World Cup?

The Rugby World Cup. Yes. Yeah. That classic moment. No, I buy any Mike Tyson fight. The Mike, I bought the Mike Tyson fights when he was totally washed up and everyone knew he was totally washed up and it was like this guy stinks. But he's Mike Tyson. If it gets one punch, they should have him play in the next match with Evander Holyfield and they have to share a cart.

Perfect. Perfect. I don't think Mike Tyson does. He doesn't seem like he's a big golf. I feel like if you are a pigeon racer, you're not a golfer. But he lives in those hobbies. Doesn't he live in one or the other? I feel like if you live in Las Vegas, you go. Oh, they should get OJ on one of them.

Oh, yeah. Great, Hank. OJ Simpson. Yes. Yeah. Who's not watching that? OJ. All right, you guys just got all upset with me. No, you're right. You're right. Who's not watching that? Who is that watching that? Put butts in seats. You're right. I would watch. And in coffins.

It should be OJ and Mark Furman. Sorry, I guess you can't. I'm just throwing on hypotheticals. You guys asked me who would be a good person in the match. Tiger Woods and OJ Simpson as a team. They should have AC driving the golf cart that OJ has to like just hang on the back of. You're right. Sorry. Sorry.

I guess. Cool throw. Cool throw? Oh, that was a cool throw. That's actually a great idea, Hank. No, no, no. It is. I don't, he shouldn't get any of the money. I'm anti-OJ Simpson. It's all for Corona.

It would bring awareness to Corona. I'm anti-murder and he blocks me on Twitter. So I wouldn't be able to see him as bang or tweets from it. But I do believe that that would be the highest rated television show of all time. Yeah. My hot seat is rats. Rats. New York City rats. They're starting to panic. They're turning on each other

because all the restaurants are closed down and there are families and colonies of rats that have been going to the same restaurants over and over for like. Ratatouille. For like 12 generations or maybe more of these fucking rat colonies. And now those restaurants are out, so they're turning on each other instead of becoming more aggressive. So now we've got cannibal rats living under the city right now,

which I mean, that's tough for them. Good. Another thing to worry about. Well, they don't want to attack us until they've eaten. Eventually, eventually they will. Eventually, there will be like five giant rats that have gained all the strength of their entire colony. Right. Then we'll have to deal with giant rats. I think that's that's like the start of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Oh, I thought you were going to say it's like the start of like unions. One of them, one of them will be splintered scabby outside. One of them will be splintered. Oh, that's right. Yeah. Good point. Yeah. They'll be very they'll be disciplined rats. Yes. Yes. OK. I'm fine with that. Yeah. My cool throne was going to be John Harbaugh

because of the new NFL rules, but. Verbal meme. Whoa. PFT steering the car off the exit. That now says talk about the NCAA. So Reggie Bush said that college athletes are on the hot seats. So Reggie Bush is on the cool throne because he doesn't think that college athletes will be able to handle getting paid and compensated for their image and likeness while they're in college.

Reggie Bush. Reggie Bush said that. Reggie Bush has. Well, no, right. He didn't handle it well because he got caught. That's true. He lost his heisman. That's true. So he's not even Heisman trophy winner. Right. No, he's not. I love when they vacate that shit. Like he wasn't the best football player in a given year.

Yeah, they just do the men in black like Louisville didn't win a national title. No, just never happened. Petino got the tattoo. Yeah, never happened. All right. My hot seat is my age and your age to PFT. I thought we were twenty nine. What the fuck is Outer Banks, man? Hank, I started watching it. It's like how is this show?

It's the OC meets national treasure. How is this show popular? Is it ironic? Did you like Big Cat? I mean, it's the OC. I understand. But like I've one tree. He'll I've never felt so old watching this show in this shitty dialogue. And these kids run around doing the same shit all the time. Now I got people calling me kooks.

Big time kook energy. I find kooks kooks owned PFT. Would you rather own two houses, a sick boat, or be running from child protective services all the time? They both sound pretty good. Yeah, but the boat is making me think I might be your kook, too. Kook, yeah. Yeah, I think I think what a few weeks ago. And I was like, hey, tell me about this show, Outer Banks.

I thought that it was like a Jersey shore, except taking place in the Outer Banks. It's so bad. Awesome. It's so, so, so bad. All right. It's it's pretty bad in the beginning. The middle gets so ridiculous that it becomes interesting, like so bad. It gets good. And then the writing at the end of the season is so bad that it's just it's it's just bad. Okay.

So there is a point, though, there's a few cliffhangers in the middle of the season that are like, I obviously was watching with my girlfriend, and I was kind of like sitting there, rolling my eyes as I'm watching. But halfway through the season, I got super into it was like, oh, my God, like, what is happening next? Wait, so you're saying to me, though, so my feeling is correct that people are watching it because it's bad. Well, the hot John B, you know, all the girls love John B.

He's my girlfriend put up a John B shirt. It's like the highest the highest selling shirt on Barcel with the last like three months is just people are going crazy for John B. OK, Sarah Cameron. I like her, but it can I because she's like 20. Maybe. Oh, yeah. Oh, Dicey. It's 29. You're 29. I don't think I can say I like her. Yeah. What's the answer?

Say that you've heard that the kids like her. Yeah. I've heard in the show. Absolutely. 16. So yeah, I think they're about there. They're they're seniors in high school. That's problematic. OK, so and the funny thing, the thing that I mean, there's a lot of things that are just so so absurd. And like I said, the writing towards the end is even more ridiculous.

But the fact that they call the kid John B. They never, ever, ever just call him John. It's just John B. Well, John. Is there another Jonathan? John B. When he Jonathan, when he went into the fancy store. What? Oh, they call him Jonathan. Yeah. Sarah Cameron was like, this is Jonathan. John B. It's so bad.

You guys don't really so bad. You're going to finish it, though. You don't understand the fucking finish. The cultural relevance of the outer banks in America. Which is everyone who lives in Maryland, Virginia and North Carolina, they put an OBX bumper sticker on the back of their car. Those guys are kooks. And they do that, Hank, because that's the one week out of the year

that they get to take off from work. Oh, no. They go vacation and kill double hills. No, Pogues are. No, he's saying there's some of that. Kooks are the summer people. Yeah. And the rich. No, there's a one week summer people. Yeah, the one week summer people.

It's not a coup. The dad who like listening to Jimmy Buffett, I'm so mad that I'm fighting with you about this show. He listens to Margaritaville Radio when he's working on spreadsheets every day at the office and he gets that one week every summer. And he goes to he goes to the beach and that becomes like I'm going to get to. I would die for John B Sherpa, Kat. I'm going to get to all the merch.

Wait, who are the ones that go there for the summer? I will die if I have to watch the snow. John B anymore. Who are they? No, the kooks live there. They're they're the rich people who live there. OK, Pogues are the poor people that live there. And then there's there's a term for the fucking they said it in the beginning. I don't know. I'm like half watching this.

Fuck this fucking show. So there's no real rich people that live on the outer banks year round. Well, according to this, kooks. OK, the asshole kooks. Fuck, man, I hate this show. But they got a shit boat. My cool drawer is James Winston

because he is practicing football by practicing baseball. And I feel like that's going to work. Yeah. And he was practicing like boxing to practice with a big scrotum swing. He's just in that part of his keys in that phase of his career where he's going to just do everything that's not football to get better at football because playing football is bad for him. Well, first, you must learn all the things that are not football to be great at football, right?

It's like an old kung fu mantra type thing. He is he's become like the pussy version of James Harrison doing the easiest offseason workouts possible. But I'm up on Instagram. That's fine. I think it's going to work. I think it's going to work because guess what? It's the most normal thing that James has done in a long time. He's not throwing interceptions in practice against no one.

Can't that's really bad if you throw an interception when no one is guarding your receivers. Can't throw a pick with a baseball bat. Right. So I'm in. I think he's I think this is going to work for him. All right. Let's get to our interviews. We've got Joel McHale coming up and then we have our Dungeons and Dragons adventure, the continuation of it before we do that cuts clothing. Listen, I've been wearing these.

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that's how good cuts clothing is promo code take. When you go to cutsclothing.com and put in promo code, take you 20% off, 20% off, 20% off. Do it right now. Cuts clothing. Thank you very much. Okay. Here he is. Joel McHale. Actually, why don't we start there? So we have Joel McHale on the show and he's got we he has a podcast that we're going to plug and I want to talk about. Whoa, you just you just dropped out for like, was that me?

Must have been me. How's your Wi-Fi? Can you hear it? Did you hear it drop out? Well, you're moving your microphone. Is it this? It's not that because I can hear it. Are you nervous? Are you nervous to come on part of my take? Well, I've had a lot of blood in my urine and that makes me just go like, I hope everything's OK.

Yes, I'm taking a lot to hide your corner. So yeah, I'm just going to trust it. OK, so can you hear us? Yes. Joel McHale always ready here. Now, is it about Joel Joel Joel Joel? Joe McHale or Joel McHale? It's Yosef. Yosef McHale, your hail. Is this does anything sound any different?

No, you sound like the guy from the soup. Can you can you hear us? Yeah, perfect now. I don't know if it's the headphones or what's going on. Do you think your name is more like every time I say your name, it feels like it should be Joe? I feel like it should be Joe, too. But I am the name is Jewish.

And so the name Joel is Jewish. So that makes me very happy. Got it. Mikhail, is that Jewish as well? Yes, Kevin. It's from one of the greatest Jewish passers. I went to the same synagogue. That's nice. All right. So Joe McHale has joined us.

I actually wanted we want to talk about your podcast, but why don't you compliment our podcast first? You guys have the best bench press in a studio out of any podcast I've ever seen. You clearly have the best supports for a mini fridge. I have ever. Yeah, you got a good eye for. I mean, who wants to bend down that far? Who wants to bend down an extra four inches to get a beer out when you can just

put it on top of some Bud Light seltzer stuff. There we go. Absolutely. And then it looks like you that looks like you. It looks like there's a poster of Jeremy Renner behind you, but that's not. That's that's what Joe was around. And he does look like a movie star. Yeah. OK. But then there's another.

I will say, yeah, I like the it looks like you've like branded the front of the part in my take. It looks like like there should be barbecue equipment in there. I like. Yeah. Oh, yeah. This thing. Yeah, we burned it. We actually just the wood with with kerosene and a torch. Yes, it's very. And all the cords everywhere. You guys don't give a fuck. Who cares?

Well, the cords. Yeah, that's an aesthetic. Like we're like, you know, when you you actually do know this, when you get your hair and makeup and you're like, make it look messy. That's what you do every time you go on TV. So that's the look we're going for. The make it look messy kind of look. Yeah, what is your? I've been doing that with my hair for about 15 years to hide my my self going

bold. What is your podcast? Do you look like you're looking at it? OK, so this is cabinet. There's like a you get a handle. This is where the fun fun puppets pop out of. Uh-huh. This is a show podcast. It's like a 1969 tribute to Star Trek.

I like to believe this is a model of covid. So in case I need to, you know, like when something out there, you know, what do you what do you look out at when you're doing the podcast? I'm in here. I'll show you. I look at a tree. That's sick. And there's a there's a TV here. Oh, yeah. If you give me a tree or TV option, I'm taking the TV.

There's a tree. Wow. Oh, that's a nice tree. Yeah, that's a little deck. Living the life. Damn. So you started a podcast basically taking over everyone who's got a podcast for a living like us. Yes, that's my goal is to put you guys out of business. OK, cool. So the darkest timeline is what it's called.

And it actually is both like a comedic podcast, but also kind of talking about coronavirus and trying to inform the audience. Correct. Yes. Because Ken is a real doctor, even though he was sued for malpractice. He broke the world's record for that. And he doesn't like me to point that out, but he really is a doctor. His wife is a practicing doctor. And and we were like, hey, let's just let's talk about the virus.

And then we'll start bringing on. We knew that community table read was coming up. So we were like, well, we can talk about community and start bringing people on, not watch back the episodes. But now, but then we're just coming. Obviously, we're going to run out of community cast members. What do you think we were? Glee. Thank you. And and so that's how it's kind of gone.

And we've had like 11 episodes. So what do we need to know about the coronavirus? Because I actually think that's a fantastic idea solely based on the fact that we go online every day and no one knows what to look for. And it's just noise everywhere and no one seems to have any answers. So do you have some answers for us? Yeah, no, I think Ken says it best when he says I was in the hangover. No, when he says. Remember when everyone saw my dick?

Oh, yeah, I still have a poster that it's actually right in the tree. But it it's really important that if you follow the science, which is hard to find because it's actually not that hard to find. But the 24 hour news cycle spreads it out and the rest of the time. It's hard. You know, obviously you need to hear about other things. But there's I think about eight. Well, there's a hundred different labs working on a vaccine around the around the world.

And then there's like eight major ones. And they're in the United States, Europe, China. And that one, I think the one in Oxford, the Jenner, it's called the Jenner Corporation. They were already working on a vaccine for SARS, which is a cousin of COVID. So they were already doing phase two trials with people. So they shifted it all over to COVID-19. They say they will have a vaccine by September.

Let's know that again, that is that's like hitting four grand slams in Yankee Stadium in the World Series. But they've been working on it for years. It doesn't mean at all that we're going to have it by I mean, excuse me, by September. But if in a very, very perfect world, we could have something by January to actually take that we could get. But now that there are so many billions and billions of dollars and every single seems like every single lab on the planet is trying to do something.

This is when the human race does things extraordinary. And so if you had said a hundred years before, I don't know, 1970, that, oh, no, no, we would be we're going to fly. We're going to fight two wars on two different fronts at the same time and win and develop nuclear bombs and go to the moon and back a couple of times. People would look at you like you were nuts. And so I don't think we can underestimate the power of, you know, human brains working together.

And at the same time, the you should we should definitely not go. Oh, it's going to be fine. There's no problem here. And so because those phases, those trials take a long time. They have to see for a long time whether it's going to accidentally kill people. That I mean, because you can take a vaccine and then a year later, something could happen. Right. Right. Yeah. And also the drug, excuse me, the virus is still we really don't know.

They go, they think it's soft droplets, which is just talking between people inside rooms. And then they think it's the hard droplets, which are on surfaces. But they still they don't know about how contagious you are. They don't know about the viral loads and how much more contagious that makes you. They're getting there. But we it really is it is a we've been blindsided by this thing. So anyway, that's a little positivity, though. I like that message.

You definitely have to be positive, because there are so many people working on it. When I hear September, I just hear football. That just translates directly into football for me. So as first reported by Joel McHale, the NFL and NCAA season will happen on schedule. I pretty guarantee any almost any outdoor sport is probably going to be able to be played. Yes. OK. I like. Yes. I like by by September, if they're if they're there, should be, should be more uniform and easier ways to test quickly, should be.

Obviously, the demand is off the charts for quick testing so they can test all those players before they go in. The only thing I'm that I would be worried for the players because they're not getting the same sort of practice schedule as they would before a regular season. Right. Unless you guys know something, I don't know. I mean, are they going to practice every day? I mean, I think Tom Brady is Tom Brady.

Just like snuck a bunch of his teammates out in the trunk of his car to like a Tampa high school and threw the ball around to him today. So I think I think some teams are going to, depending on what state you're in, like Florida is opening up more stuff. I think Tennessee is June. I think the NFL said basically they're going to let anyone, any state that allows it to open up their facilities. So what's going to are you worried at all about the disaster is

if the people aren't, they obviously just need to be very careful. They should sequester them, probably. They should be like, if you're if you don't have it, they should just put you in a hotel and bring you from the hotel to the practice facility and back. And that's it because if someone gets it, it's going to spread and it spreads through wildfire on a team. They're going to shut the whole thing down. Right. Right.

Are you worried at all about the Seahawks not being able to like pump in fake crowd noise? No, I I'm OK with that. I did you see what the coach of the San Diego Chargers said? No. And he nothing. Because they were like, I'm Los Angeles. No, I like that you said San Diego. I still say San Diego.

I do too. What does it make any sense? I'm only going to say the Carson Chargers. Yeah. But they got they like what they go. What do you think of the prospect of playing games without fans? And he goes, we're doing that already. Right. Perfect. And I was like, that's pretty good. But I don't I don't I don't I'm not too worried. Those guys compete at such a high level

and they're the best athlete in the in their state by a mile. Like when they were coming up that I don't most of those guys, I would say they don't have any problem with you know, being motivated out there. True. I just watched all those MMA fights on Saturday night with no audience in it. It actually didn't bother me at all. And it I assume it'll be the same for football.

And they'll find they'll find creative ways. And if that's the most we got to worry about, then we're in good shape. Totally. I'm fine with that. So I read that you were a walk on tight end at the University of Washington. You dub you were a husky. Did you ever get into a game? No. Terrible. I the first year because I didn't I played one year of high school football

and then I was a row where I was recruited to row at the University of Washington. And they talk about a covid like audience. Nobody watches rowing. And my theory is that to make up for that, at least at the University of Washington, they used hazing and rituals to make themselves feel important. So the freshman year, they would if you got into the freshman boat, the good boat, they would shave your head and your eyebrows off

and then the whole team and then put all that hair into a pillow, which then would go into a display case with other hair pillows, which is not morbid or serial killer at all like. And then I didn't push a chair in properly. And the seniors surrounded me and another freshman and they beat us up. And I was like, this is great. What a fun, fun time college is. And so I was like, fuck this.

And I had a couple of friends on the football team. And I don't know why I did it, but they were just like, come out for football. I'm like, yeah, I'm going to do that. And two years later, and after I had such a good time, I was not nearly very good compared to. I mean, Mark Bruner and Ernie Conwell were the tight ends in front of me. They were on they were, you know, the best. They were some of the best athletes I'd ever seen him on in my life.

So I had I they they redshirted me my second year in hopes I would get like they're like, all right, he's gotten good to a point where we're going to hold on to him. But then after that, I just I was like, I want to be an actor. So I I left, but I still know a couple of the guys and they're they're terrific. Did you I saw the picture online. It looked like it was in front of the Rose Bowl. Did you get to be on the sideline for a Rose Bowl?

Well, I was near the sideline. I was in a chair. OK, the other players who they won't because I was wearing the jersey without the pads. So it looked like I was injured, which I pretended I was. I was just an imp around the Rose Bowl. And like, why aren't you in? I'm like, you know, calf. And so no, it was it was so much fun.

I'm watching like Napoleon Kaufman run like like Olympic speeds down the field. It was pretty wonderful. He was one of the scariest athletes I'd ever seen. Next to Ernie Conwell, who was 21 years old. He was benching 550 squatting 850. He was clean and jerking 365 and running a four or five 40 yard dash. It's pretty impressive. 21 year old. That's pretty impressive.

And then after you got on the football team, I guess that's like totally outfitting the rowing team, because then they have to row people from their boats to your game on Saturday. Yeah, yeah, that that's partial reason why I did it just just for their taxi service. If anybody's been to the University of Washington, you can pull a boat up to the stadium. I think it's the most picturesque stadium in all of college football. I love I love watching games on TV from Washington,

but the camera angles, both for football and basketball, are the weirdest camera angles ever. The basketball camera angle when you're watching a Washington Huskies game is insane. I don't understand how I'm a general gambler. So I like these are the weird things that I notice and I stick in my head. But something about that camera angle, they have not quite. I think it's too low. And then the the football camera angle is cool

because when the crowd gets really loud, it shakes. And I love that. That's like true Saturday afternoon college football. I didn't even know the basketball thing. They should that because maybe that's sometimes they figured out how to shoot football and basketball games and they don't need to mess with it. It's it drives me nuts. So maybe can you get on that like are you part of the alumni board or something?

Yeah, no, I'm part of the alumni camera angle board. And I will it's better than it used to be because basketball at UW was very it became very unpopular for a while. And they never updated the stadium. And so it was the the old stadium that had all the girders, you know, all the supports. Yeah. And so the camera would just you just see a big support go by as the camera was following the action. It may I was like, what what's happening?

Are we is it was like Wrigley Field in 1933? So yeah, yeah, it's all better. I saw you do the the Tiger King. What was it after the King and I? Is that what it was called? The yeah, you kind of look like one of those post-doc. I feel like one of those guys. I feel like that's that's what I was destined to be in a different life.

But Carol was not on that show. Did you actually get to I don't I don't think Carol's going to ever agree to do anything for Netflix again. Yeah, she's so pissed off about that. Wouldn't you be well? I mean, if I was anybody on that show, I'd probably be pissed off. You like, wow, I really ended up looking like a piece of shit. I think, well, I think some like

with Carol specifically good. Saf was like the only person that looked pretty good. And then the guy that was his campaign manager and then, you know, Jeff Lowe, even though you can tell like every time he said, yeah, I get into business with people and always ends badly. I'm like, that might be you. But there when I interviewed them, I'm like, well, they seem like nice folks, but then cut to him in jail.

So I don't with Carol. You know, obviously the the documentary as as it portrays her is not good. It I mean, she comes out looking not great, obviously. And then her husband, who, you know, with the leashes and all that at their wedding, which was I was like, oh, this guy, this. OK, simple, same different. But he put out a 10 minute video defending themselves.

And in the video, he goes, we were tricked. We were told it was going to be this thing about tigers and made this. And then they went down this path that we didn't know what they're doing. Absolutely, they were tricked. I could not agree with them more, but they do not really talk about what happened to her ex-husband, because if a relationship goes bad and somebody leaves, you hear from that person again in your life or you hear about them, even if that person says,

if I can escape, if I can get out of here and get to Costa Rica, then I can just disappear forever. If he even said that and was alive, you'd still hear about the dude. Right. If the if the if the white dude shows up in Costa Rica with a bunch of money, do you hear about that thing? We would have heard from him by now. So something happened. And then the way the his family, you know, was talking about her again, was not great.

It's it's bizarre, though, to be, I don't know if she was ever officially a suspect, but clearly there's something there where her husband died and disappeared or whatever happened. It's weird to do a documentary and be like, I was tricked. I can't believe they brought up the time that people think I killed my husband. You'd think that that if you agree to do the documentary, you'd have to assume that was going to be brought up. And she talked about it like when she said, well, I guess in Florida, the rule is at the time, if someone, if you don't hear for someone from five years,

they're declared legally dead. And then on five years on one day, she got the money and then they asked her, was there a funeral? And she basically just said, no, I pointed and looked into the sky and then some time passed and then the day was over. And I was like, that's the funeral. Yeah, some time passed and I was rich and I went to the bank and got a lot of cash out in his honor.

Like that's that's such a Florida law that if if you don't hear from somebody for five years, it's like, OK, they're dead. We assume that they totally disappeared. But yeah. But as we would always say, it is Florida, so. Right, right. And were you surprised by the backlash that you got for some of your questions? I think that was the when you asked like, hey, Joe Exotic probably should be in jail. And people are like, what?

We he's just, you know, we love Joe Exotic's like, no. Yeah, people are like, how dare you for asking that question about that guy? We've been making fun of for the last few weeks. I'm supposed to be the one that makes. Yes, I did not. I honestly, I can tell sometimes when I say something or screw up something and I'm like, oh, I'm coming off as a dick. And now I'll probably get some shit for this.

But that I just asked them. I was like, do you think he should be in jail? That was the as hard hitting as my question was of a guy who's in jail. And 19 felonies is not a small number of felonies. And then everybody, including Saf, was like, everyone said, yes, he should be in jail. And then when Saf, he said, like, oh, I had a great experience

and I have no problem with Joe. We got along great. And then I said, do you think he should be in jail? And Saf said, absolutely. So I yeah, I was letting them speak. I wasn't going. So Joe should be in jail. Huh? Am I right?

Please agree with me. And yeah, it was very odd. It's an odd backlash. Did you did you get any closer to the truth of why James Garrison was working for the FBI? Like what exactly they had on? Because it can't be the lemur sale thing, right? No, they we asked him to come on and he refused.

So he he's the guy the redhead would often to the distance on the jet. The jet ski. Yeah. Doing Eye of the Tiger. Love that guy. He refused to he refused. Yeah, he like they asked him a number of times to be on it. And he was I think his last text was just stop. Because I just I need to know what the FBI had on him,

because it has to be something more than like the paperwork was wrong on this one ring tailed lemur, because this guy was like wearing wires, putting his life online every single day. And I'm sure whatever crime he was committing was absolutely hilarious to get entrapped in that. I would agree. But you never know when people like when the FBI shows up to your house and says, we have this on you, you never know how people might react.

And some people might have a mountain of evidence and say, no, I'm not agreeing. And other people might hear one thing and go, oh, I probably have other things. And I'll do anything I can to get out of it. I don't know. It's a really it's a good question. We're going to get back to this interview with Joe McHale in a second. But before we do, I want to talk to you guys about our good friends at Curiosity Stream. I don't know what I'm going to do for the rest of the summer.

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that are all available on Curiosity Stream now. I got to say, could not have come at a better time. Even if everything was normal, I'd recommend the series. But at this point, this is basically your required reading. OK, this is your homework. Go to curiositystream.com. Use promo code PMT when signing up. You get a year's subscription for just $12.

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I read an article where you said that when you first saw the script for community, you would cut off your pinky to be a part of it. Would you have actually done that because I have made some pinky bets in my life as well? Yeah, I cut it off. We used a prosthetic throughout the whole thing. So yeah, no, I would have cut off not my own pinky. Someone else's mailed it. Yeah, yeah, someone's and mailed it to Dan.

But it was one of the best scripts that I've ever, it was the best pilot script I'd ever really read. And I, and it was one of those ones where I thought, oh, I think I can play this character and I did ever, the world of getting a pilot is so crazy that you can, unless you're a gigantic star at the time, you, there's too many factors that go into trying to get the role. And I was still a baby when that, when I was in contention for it. And I'm very lucky because Joe Russo and Anthony Russo and Dan, all, they all wanted

me. And so despite, you know, like network concerns and studio concerns, and it goes on and on, it's all garbly good, but, but it, I would do it. Yeah, I would do it all over again as well. Is it when you're a part of something like that and you know it's special while you're in, you're part of it, is it weird to have it end and be like, I may never have that again in my life. Like that might have been the peak, not saying that is your peak, but that might have been the peak of enjoyable and success.

Yeah, I mean, for the difficult task of, first of all, getting a pilot, which is still to this day for me difficult to get, I mean, they're not, it's not just, oh, here's another pilot go, I mean, there's also a lot of crap out there. But, but to get a pilot, to actually get it picked up, then to actually be on the air, then to get out of your first season and get picked up for a second season, again, is like hitting two hole in ones in a row. And so I, we knew the scripts were great. And, and I was always so happy when I would read them because I have been

at many table reads where scripts are a mess and you start, you read it on like a Monday and you realize you're going to be shooting in a week and then you go, oh no, they have so much work to do on this thing. And that just never was the case with anything for community except for season four. And so we all knew, we all, we all really liked each other. We got along great. And that, if, if you guys watched any of that community table reader, we all really, we are on a text chain and we, so we still talk to each other.

And that is not the way that it, from what I understand, how it usually goes. But, but the other way it happens is like, I've been in movies where you have this beginning, middle and ending, like, oh, this three months is going to be with this small family and it's really great. And then it's over, whereas community was six years. Yeah. When you were auditioning for that, was, was there any additional pressure on yourself? Were you nervous in that? Like more nervous than you usually would be because you liked it so much?

Um, the really intimidating time, like when I was with Joe and Anthony and Dan, the creator, I was not nervous because those guys had my back and we, they kind of said, you're the guy, now we're just going to work with you. And that was great. So I didn't have that pressure. When you get into these network tests, which are the worst, again, this is, this is inside baseball stuff, but it's the worst way to audition for anything because you're auditioning in someone's office at like NBC or CBS.

And there's 15 executives that are taking a break from, uh, their lunch so they can watch some actor in their friend's office act with a couple other actors. And it's, so it's totally unnatural. It would be like you guys doing the, the, uh, your show from, I don't know, like 50, uh, like 50 feet below, uh, and in cold water. So you'd have to figure it. Anyway, it's just a terrible place. So the first time I read in front of all those executives with, then there's

four other guys that are going up for the role that are all sitting in the hallway, uh, you go up, you do it. So then they came out into me and they said, okay, so you did not get it. And I'm like, Oh no. And then they like, so come back in, we're going to put you on tape and then we're going to show them the tape. And then so that next day, I finally got the word that I had gotten it, but I sat in that fucking room and then they're like, yep, sorry.

Uh, and, uh, I, I got to a point where with network test, cause I had done a couple of them, I'd walk in and see all the executives and be like, boy, you guys gain weight fast. And I would just have to insult them somehow or it'd be like, fuck this. And, you know, I'd have to kind of undercut them to make myself feel better about what was about to happen. Would you ever, is there ever mind games or shit talking in the hallway with the other people that are going for a role?

I have never experienced that. I hear, I heard people do, do that. I knew a guy that got super high during while he was waiting or he showed up high to relax himself. And then he became very hungry. Then he went and the thing was, cause these things can take 10 hours sometimes. And so he was eating constantly. And I think what they were, they told him one of the reasons why he got the

role is it was like, we kept coming out and you just kept eating. And it was like for the role of someone like an Italian family, like that's what my family's like. So he got the role and that person played Don Corleone. I love it. That's how, yeah. So Marlon Brando spent like the last 20 years of his life when you were, when you were auditioning for, uh, for Ted was Mark Wahlberg.

Just okay. Take your shirt off. Let's play some basketball. Huh. Uh, I did not have to audition for Ted. Uh, that was, so that was a blessing. And, uh, cause I rare, I rarely get things just out of auditioning. It's always like a friend of a friend, but, uh, no, I did see him.

I met him. We did like a reading in Boston. And that was the first time I saw him up close. And I was like, dear Lord, how was your workout? And, uh, he really is a, uh, he looks like, I don't know, he looks like Schwarzenegger and I'm a big guy. And I'm like, Lord, what kind of a, what is your arms routine? My friend is very intimidating.

He's a very nice guy though. Uh, what was harder hosting the White House correspondent dinner or the SPS? Oh, the White House correspondence dinner by a mile. Oh yeah. Cause the SPS, when you really look at it, I mean, the SPS has all sorts of pressure and, uh, all a thousand different things to think about, but when you re, when it really comes down to it, it's five minutes of jokes at the top.

And that's what they really base it on. Like that's the, oh, like, uh, that's the kind of like you're the moment where you're like, that's where everything has to work for the rest of the show to go. Okay. So there's, that's an intense pressure, uh, that first five minutes. Like you've got to really nail that and make sure the jokes are good. Whereas the White House correspondence dinner is a whole lot that that's almost 20 minutes of straight jokes.

Plus you've got the president opening for you. And, uh, and, uh, Obama was a very, very good joke teller and he worked on it. So it was, you knew you were going up against somebody who was very, very good and you're in a room with people. First of all, the, like the first few rows look like a wax museum of famous people. You're like, why is Andrew Luck sitting next to De Niro? There's Russell Wilson and there's, you know, it'd be like Warren Beatty and his wife, so what's, uh, so it's very odd.

Uh, and then it's full of Democrats and Republicans. So when you tell a Democrat joke, the Republicans laugh, but they don't laugh too hard cause they don't want to seem like they're doing. And then the same thing. So, so everyone's reaction when it's somewhat edgy is just, ooh, and that's really a great way to do comedy. Uh, so I just pretend I was like, you guys sound like you're on a roller coaster. And so that was, I don't think I've ever been more nervous and I have never

been nervous since. So, uh, as far as that level, I think I burnt out that, like when I did the SPS, I was like, oh, I'm not really nervous cause I burnt out that, that fuse, that wire that was connecting cause I was like, I'll never, I didn't, I went swimming with sharks with a discovery channel last year and they were nervous about every actor being nervous. And I was like, don't worry, it's not going to, I don't have it anymore. I've lost that ability.

And, uh, so I'd be nervous if I had to like say a poem at a wedding where these people are getting married or something. And I didn't want to screw that up because it's a one time thing. But, uh, but I don't, I've not, yeah, I've not been nervous since, uh, but yeah, that's the most, also it's the days leading up to the White House cause you're doing all these interviews, then you go meet the president, you're doing all this stuff. And the last thing you're doing is preparing your jokes.

So anyway, I just talked for a long time and I'd like to apologize. No, it got, it got on so long that a foot has appeared in the shot and then just disappeared. Oh yeah. That's, that's, no, I always just, the reason I asked is because the SBs always seem like a hard gig because you have to, uh, make fun of people that aren't like in on the athletes don't get made fun of. And also you're on ESPN.

So you can't really be edgy and you have to like, it has to be kind of family friendly. So I always thought that was a very hard thing to, to, to walk that line of being funny and entertaining, but also under all these restrictions that most standup comedians or hosts don't have. Yeah. No, I would agree with that. And I was told by, I think I asked Rob Riggle who had hosted it.

I was like, tell me about it. He was like, don't worry about the first 10 rows. Cause the, as you said, like, he's like, it's just a bunch of athletes. They're all wearing sunglasses and they're all hyper competitive. Right. And you're, like you said, they're not necessarily the fun, the, have a sense of humor. So I was like, don't worry about them.

Worry about everybody behind them. And, uh, we put in a couple of jokes that worked. Like we said, Steph Curry is here tonight and we had hired a 10 year old boy to sit in his seat in a seat because he's so much smaller than everybody and they, and they were like, and coach Steve Kerr is right behind him. And then it was like another redheaded 10 year old boy behind him. So that, that worked in the audience and that kind of broke the ice. But, uh, yeah, that was, that was a good times.

I actually wrote jokes for that monologue for that SB show. Oh, did I use some? No, I just, I, so I actually watched it last night because I thought that you use some, um, I was overseas when the show actually happened. So I didn't get to watch it live. And somebody told me that you would use one of my jokes. Uh, but yeah, you, I can't believe that you turned down this great one right here. Uh, hey, the Houston Texans are on hard knocks this year.

That's what America needs. A rocky style montage of JJ Watt catching fish in a nice river with his dick and flipping a hundred pound tractor tires using only his positive attitude. And then I made a joke about, where was the joke? I, that was the joke. That was a joke. I sped through it to ignore the punchline. And then I like how it has two punch lines.

There's a punch line. There's a pack. There's an unusable punchline in the middle of the joke. And then you end kind of, well, all of my Peter at the end, all of my jokes. I'm looking through them right now. We're completely unusable for a Disney audience. Like there was this one. Um, it was right after when, uh, Chip Kelly got accused of being racist by

LaShawn McCoy. So it was like, I was like, Hey, Chip Kelly, if, if he only liked white people, how, how can we chose football as his profession? That's like if Rex Ryan quit the bills to coach Oscar pastores. So little foot joke there from the double amputee. Um, that one didn't make it. And a guy who shot and killed his wife very, and at that point it was very recently.

Yeah. Yeah. So again, but that's when it kills. Not no pun intended, but that's when it kills. Right. Everyone remembers it. You know, I, I, um, that, that, those are really great jokes. Thank you.

And, uh, and I'm, I'll definitely think about them for the future. That was, yeah. Okay. Where were, why were you overseas? Were you, you sound like you were in the service? I, yeah, I was serving. So you were serving and submitting jokes? Yes.

I was doing multiple things. I was not serving. That's still in Valor, big catch. Just entrapped me into doing, I was, I was, no, I was getting drunk in Barcelona. Bartlett, so about the same as serving in the military. Well, thank you for your service. Thank you.

Happy to do it. That's big time that I, and it, Hey, it worked out. It did. You got a broken road. Yeah. I have, uh, I have a question about the soup, which I love. Yes. What, what, when you guys put together that show every week, uh, would you watch

this, like the shows, or would you have someone, would there be a whole staff that watched it, then gave you, uh, like the best of like, here's what we're doing, or would you participate in weeding through all the clips? Well, when we first started the show, there was only six of us total and our, you know, we had to watch basically every hour of television on every channel that we could all do. So when I first started, I was, it was all the time watching television to the point where my wife was like, you need to stop watching extreme makeover

home edition. It's going to kill you. And, and I was like, no, I just have to watch one more. And then as things started working and we could hire more people, if we could delegate, you know, the different shows. And that took the pressure off me and a couple of the, of the writers. Uh, but yes, we would come together into a room and select clips. Everyone would bring clips.

And, uh, you had to bring like, I don't know, like 10 clips. It was always between like people would bring like two and 10 clips, a meeting. And the meetings were every day. And we would just select every day. And as we got closer to show time, we would get rid of a bunch and then new ones would show up. And then when community hit, I basically had no time to watch anything cause our hours were nuts.

So the producers would come to my trailer at Paramount with laptops and show me the clips and we'd go through the scripts in between setups for communities. Cause I had no time. I tried to keep up with what was happening, like with the bachelor, bachelor or something. But, uh, yeah, that was, we, and that was, and we had VCRs when that began. Oh man. So we had just mountains of VCR tapes trying to keep track of everything.

So I asked that because I think you need to donate your brain to science, uh, because what reality television does to our brains is fascinating to me. And you would be a great case study. Hey, this is how I actually think we're, we're, we started as bloggers and we have something similar where we've lived on the internet for so many years and consume so much internet that our brains have been warped and poisoned to a point where there's no coming back from it. I think you have something similar with TV.

I would agree. Have you noticed that? Like, have you ever noticed something happen and you're like, Oh yeah, I'm completely jaded or this is fake or I can't watch this anymore. Cause I know how it's made. Yeah. No, it's difficult. I never, and they're wildly popular.

All the housewives shows and even the Kardashians who actually are really nice people, uh, but that stuff's all scripted out and it's all, you know, it's all planned. There's not like where they're, no one goes, well, let's go to no boo for lunch. Oh my gosh. There's my arch enemy. I cannot believe they're here and hold on. Are you saying that she's scripting this stuff out?

Wait, and you're telling me that on the housewives, when they do that one episode every year where they all go on vacation together and get really drunk again, a big fight, that's planned. I, I hate to, it sounded like you said you had a very like savvy jaded mind, but I hate to tell you this plan dude. Um, I just never, well, what I didn't get, I was like, why doesn't everyone else see this? Why doesn't everyone else, does no one care?

And I think that same thing kind of happened in reverse with Tiger King where people kept going, aren't these characters funny? And I was like, they're people. Right. But this is, yeah, that's what I think. That's why we love reality television because we get to watch it and say, oh, well, we should not them, at least we're not drunk fighting, you know, in the Hamptons every summer, or at least we don't own these tigers and kill our, you

know, husband and all this stuff. Like we, we judge ourselves like we could be shitty people, but we're not that. I think there's two, uh, different, yeah, there's the, there's the, I'm glad I'm not, um, you know, I'm glad I'm not on like, I'm glad I'm not Flava Flav on that crazy show he was on or whatever. Like, isn't this a constant train wreck? And then there's the aspirational ones like the Kardashians where they go, I wish I had that life.

So I think there's two versions. And I think the housewives is in the, oh, they're so rich and crazy that boy, it's a crazy world and it's kind of fun. And so I think there is a, there is an element of like, oh, I would never do that, but people love it. And I don't like, but again, going back to Tiger King, I was like, people, like, isn't it, isn't it funny? All those characters.

And I was like, that character had their arm eaten off for real. Yes. That was not a, this was not a Game of Thrones episode. So this, that staff really had his arm eaten off. So, um, that, that's, that's what that, yeah. So I believe my brain. Yes, I agree. It, my brains were.

Mm hmm. So, but for the record, the Kardashians, is there any part of it that's real? Some of that stuff's got to be real. I think there is a very set plan. And then some real things happen. And then Kanye gets too high and fucks everything up. And then they have to like adjust on the fly. How much is Kanye in it?

Not much. Yeah, I don't think he, I think the ripple effects from Kanye probably existed at some times when he just, he can mess up some plans. I'll tell you that much. I'm sure. Yes, if anybody does, it would be him. I had one last Espy's question. When you hosted, did LeBron make you run all your jokes about him by him

before ESPN would let it go on the air? No, no, no, we didn't, I, I, no, I never even met him at the. What's that red dot on your forehead right now? What the, oh, this, no, well, that's a laser. I mean, it's a different. Got it. Yeah. No, I didn't have to do, no, I didn't have to run my jokes by any athletes.

So I'm sure some of them weren't happy with them, but, uh, yeah, but they were nice. But if you did, it probably would have been LeBron. Probably. There it is. We got him. I don't know. We got him. The, yeah, or Oscar Pistorius.

Let's just say, yeah. Okay. Yeah, I ran all my jokes by LeBron. I probably want to run one by him too. Yes. Um, well, this has been awesome, Joel. We really appreciate it. Uh, the darkest timeline.

You can go listen. Who do you have on this week? Since you're taking our job and podcasting. Oh, well, this week, we just today, we want, we, uh, we, we made it part of the podcast, but the community table read, uh, and then, uh, was, and then it looks like we're going to get Pedro Pascal, who was in the community table read. Who's also the Mandalorian. So, but I can't confirm it because he's not, it's not like, I mean, Ken and I are

booking it. So it's not, I mean, he, we have a tentative plan. So that could fall through a little podcasting tip for you. You always ask that, like, who do you have on this week? And then we're going to hold this interview for a month to make you look like a fool. Oh, well played. Well, that's what you're walking on now to our church.

You're addicted to walking on places. Yeah. Also a little podcasting trip trick for you. When I do other podcasts, I always bring an ad with me. Start bringing an ad with you. Oh, you mean like Bud Light seltzer? Yeah. If you have an ad, just throw out your own promo takes and that, that way you get,

you know, it just carries over. All right. These are tricks to trade. If you have any other questions, we can answer them for you real quick. Well, look, Donnie's durable supply in Van Nuys, California is one of my favorite durable supply. You and Richard. Yeah, it's a big Hollywood thing.

Yes, everybody puts their favorite pizza shop that you go eat pizza at, too. LBK pizza in studio city is the best pizza on the planet from Brooklyn all the way to here. Where are you guys looking at it right now? New York, Manhattan. And how is it there? Awesome. It's great if you don't like things.

Yeah. If you like nobody and actually, if you like no one in the city of New York, it is awesome, which I do like nobody in the city of New York. Oh, how fast could I drive up Fifth Avenue right now? Very fast. I live in Brooklyn and I drive and it takes me 12 minutes to get into basically Madison Square Garden. And that took you how long before?

35. Like right now where I sit, same thing. To get to downtown LA right now, if I left pre-COVID, 40 minutes and now it's 11. That's crazy. How's the 405? See, it is a runway. It is wide open. That's nice.

I have a pretty fast sports car and I have been pushing it. The cops have just started showing up again, so I can't push it the way I used to. But it was really fun out there for a moment. Yeah, here it's like Mad Max. You don't even have to pay attention to stop lights. It's pretty good right now. The only I know it's been really rough in New York and a lot of people got sick and all that, but when I think about all those closed restaurants, it just makes

me so sad. Yes, yes, yes. We'll get back though. And you could listen to Joe McHale, the darkest timeline for some positivity. For some positivity and science. Yes. Thank you, Joel. We really appreciate it, man.

Thanks for having me, you guys. You guys are really, you guys are very nice. Yeah. Oh, well, very thoughtful. Thank you, Joel. And who's who's next on your show? We have the Undertaker. Do you have any questions for the Undertaker?

He must be very busy. Yeah. That interview with Joel was brought to you by me, Undy's summertime dream. And these are the days when visions of sunshine and surf dance through our heads. Probably now more than ever as we collectively mold into our couches. But we got to keep the dream alive. Me, Undy's is committed to this cause by keeping you in a constant stream of honor, uninterrupted, dream inducing undy comfort.

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It should be all me undies all the time for our award winning listeners. Go to meundies.com slash take. And now dungeons and dragons. Okay, it is that time. Every two weeks we are picking up our Dungeons and Dragons campaign with our dungeon master Tim Woods, the fantastic Tim Woods, Tim, great to have you back. I think that, uh, let's just say that not only do our listeners, but I'd say ourselves as well, we need a recap of what's going on.

So pretend like we know, but no one else knows. So explain it to the people because we obviously know who we are, right? Well, for sure, of course, as your dungeon master in Dungeons and Dragons, part of what I always do is a little bit of a recap to get us started. And last time we had gotten our adventure up to a great foot because we had made it into the town of Greenist, where our caravan that we were all guarding had kind of been pulling up to only to discover that the village of Greenist was under attack and we have arrived just in time to do something if we choose.

We were really on the fence getting ready to decide at the end of last time exactly to what degree we were going to help this poor village that is currently by all accounts being attacked by these red robed cultists that we have positively identified as the cult of the dragon, a kind of obsessive group of dragon worshiping cultists that have apparently attacked this town with all of their 200 cobalt minions and all of our adventuring party here, which consists of Norm of the Barbarian, Wayne, our dwarven bard, Erlich, our gnome warlock and Berserker Billy, the Goliath cleric, a war priest, as I believe we had

established last time. After pulling into the village, we had discovered not only was it under attack, we had run into a group in a barn of four cobalts. And after eliminating very quickly and easily three of the cobalt, the final cobalt, we had gotten to surrender to us. And he warned us this cobalt who we have been kind of going between different names for. We have named him alternatively, Reek Bob Costas.

And in theory, he's got a name. He just hasn't told us Bob Costas. Yeah, we could always ask if we care. No, I like Bob Costas. He's short. Yeah. Wait. And so we ate the other ones, right?

We ate them in theory. We've got them ready to go. It's up to us whether we're making a campfire next door, whether we're heading to something maybe more urgent since the town is under attack at the moment, we could decide that laying low and making a campfire and resting while the town continues to get attacked is something we could do. But now with Reek or Bob as our minion kind of having warned us that not only is this cult showed up here in force, they are here for the money that they can

squeeze out of this village. And they've also, we figured out they have brought something big with them, something they call the scion rat. And at this point, looking out from the barn, we'd be aware of two things. We'd be looking and we'd be seeing that there's the castle, the little, little keep up on a hill that's at the centerpiece of this village. And it does seem like there are cultists maybe starting to gather around that castle.

We're also hearing screams from a temple kind of on the outskirts of town, a little country temple by the river that looks like it is surrounded and smoke is rising from it, but there's many screams coming from that temple as well. So that's kind of our recap of what's happened to our adventure and what's going on right now. We're looking out of a barn, but we can do whatever we want. Wait, one little point here. Bob Costas, didn't he tell us something important right before we stopped?

What did he tell us? He had warned us that when he was taking orders from the cult, he had warned us the cult's plans were to follow the orders of their high priestess, Frulae Mondapp, and gather around the castle. But since we're his friends, he said we should run for they have brought a monster, a great and terrible enemy called the Saiyan wrath. We should order to let Bob Costas talk to us during his like little half time soliloquies during battles.

He gets to break in for five minutes. Yeah. As the war priest, I think I have to do a little ritual with Bob Costas. Just so we can. Do you want to haze him? Yes, to the loyalty. Can we update his like aren't like his abilities by like doing some rituals, like upgrade him when I want to let you do war, priestess?

First of all, you know that some of the magic you have at your disposal does boost people. You can give him guidance, which would give him a little boost on his next skill check, but I'll let you roll the die right now. It'll add your religion bonus, which would be like a plus for him against people really well. Maybe Bob will be feeling even more impressed. So I'm going to roll this.

Billy has cast a 10. Sweet. You got a 10 and you had a plus two to that with a 12. He's looking really invigorated. He said all of the prayers to your Goliath war god that you would be saying. But he doesn't seem like he's any boosted. He's not more proficient. He waves his dagger and then he drops it.

He goes one second. One second. All right. So you failed, Billy. No, no, no. You failed. You failed. All right.

So what are we, Tim, what are our options right now? What can we do? Absolutely. We could start heading towards the castle where it looks like cultists are heading and Bob had let us know that that does seem like it's their goal in the end. There's also that temple that looks like it was surrounded where there were like screams coming from there. We could also interrogate Bob some more, get some more answers out of him.

I feel like we need to make a move right now. I feel like it's enough talk. Let's push the action. Let's push. You want to go to the temple? You want to go to the temple? Let's push. You don't want to go to the castle and see the dragon?

I think we go to the castle and say, fuck this shit up. There's a dragon right there, man. Yeah. All right. Let's go to the castle. Let's go to the castle. Let's go to the castle. Wait, where's the scion wrath?

Do we know what that is? Bob will very quickly say, if you're saying this out loud, he says, going to be by castle soon. And he's kind of looking like he's expecting the scion wrath to be there. Let's go. Yo, I'm about that. That's a shitty car. Yeah, I want that action.

I want that action. Let's go to the castle. Absolutely. For sure. Now, as we start to head in the direction of the castle, what if what if what if some of us don't want to go to the castle and there's a fight between us? Do you want to kill Hank? Hank, it seems like we kill Hank right now.

No, I won't. I'm not going to kill him. I'm just curious how would go if there was like we all didn't agree. We want to go. What's the options? It would be a real shame if you were to try to leave us right now. All right, tell us what you want to do. I'm just curious.

Shut up. Let Tim say. I'd say this. Some parties like put it up to a vote or have some kind of agreement, but at the same time, you can always split the party and go in different directions if you want to. But I would say it's traditionally held in Dungeons and Dragons that that's a risky thing to do.

You never have to work together, but it's usually better to work. I'll tell you what, Hank, if you want to leave, if that's something that you think is a good thing to do, then by all means, I was just curious. Okay, we're going to the castle. I want to fucking kill you right now. I'm just being a bitch. I mean, I'm not in real life and in Dungeons and Dragons. Sometimes going to go in one direction can be like, I'm actually going to go

scout that out while you all do that. And like, I'll rejoin you at some point. Maybe they have their own motives for going off and checking that temple. No, I'm rolling with. I'm rolling with. Just remember. All right, remember this. Oh, it's in my it's in my memory right now.

Before we go to the castle, real quick question. Do we have any sort of distance weapon with us? Like if we were to send our little Bob Costas guy and have him spy on somebody, can we also monitor him and shoot him if he's, if he tries to defect? Yes, we would have many ranged options at our availability for eliminating Bob. Should he look like he's going to betray us at any moment? I mean, more importantly, he knows we have those options.

So that makes him much less likely to betray us, even if we're far away. He's still going to be afraid of. Okay, can you remind him real quick? Just remind him. Remind Bob that we'll fuck him up if he pulls a Hank. Absolutely. Would that be at the bar kind of reminding him? Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I'll sing a song of vengeance to us. Okay, we just want to make sure that our disposal and, and as we run through this town, it's looking like there's combat happening all around us. Not so much combat as townsfolk getting chased really, but we're seeing red robed figures and cold holds breaking into and out of buildings, but it seems like it's just too much. We could stop if we want to like mess with any of these people, but there's a lot of different groups causing chaos around here.

As we start to worry about combat, I do just want to go down and let us know some of our combat abilities as we start to worry about these threats. I want to let our barbarian know that if we get into combat, you're going to have the ability to enter a barbarian rage and rage gives you extra damage. But it also means when weapons hit you, they just kind of bounce right off of you. You take half damage when you're ranging. You don't care. You're just smashing through things instead.

Okay, that's me. When you get into combat, the bard, you have some weapons like a bow to shoot Bob with. You also have a sword, but mainly you'd also have spells like illusion magic and enchanting magic. The other thing you can do is give inspiration to your allies and that can give them little boosts to combat that they get inside when they use your I'm like a strength and conditioning coach. You are literally like a coach in some ways.

You're cheering people on and they just get boosts to their roles. And Hank, the warlock, you have one main attack thing that you would do in combat. You have eldritch blast and eldritch blast. Did you summoning like a ball of, it can, it can look like fire or just like weird energy, but it deals magical damage that usually nothing is immune to. And when you launch it at people, it can hurt them for a lot. And that's called your eldritch blast. Like a Kame Kame Kame Kea.

It is exactly where like launching a blast. Hadouken. It's a Hadouken. No, no, no, no. Hadouken. It's a Hadouken. And the cleric, while a lot of what you will do is your magic is very focused on healing and boosting your allies. At the same time, you do have attack spells. You can throw sacred flames at people and you have one powerful attack

spell called guiding bolt. It's like a laser with a shield by your hand. I have a question. I have a question for Billy real quick. No, I have a question for Billy real quick. Billy, on a scale of one to 10, how jealous are you of me? Dude, I'm like about to like cause an insurrection on like seriously. Right. You're you want to be me.

Can we can we cut him of the office? No, no, no, I'm a Goliath. I'm a Goliath. I was on the table and you're literally the berserker. Yeah, you're berserker. No, wait, wait, what the fuck? Yeah. Can big cats character donate plasma? Yeah, Billy, you've been looking fat and you probably should stay back.

I'm human meat shield. All right, we're good to go. We're good to go. That was just some internal strife. We just have to get that out. I'm we're good. I would let us know that we're well aware of both the barbarian and the cleric, to be fair, can take a hit for sure.

Those are our two front line characters. That was Tim. That was really nice of you to make Billy feel better. I just want to let you know that I do feel obligated to also throw out there that technically the human barbarian is very big, but the Goliath would be a little taller than you know, that's nice. Good job. Good job, Billy. We're going to make him feel big.

All right, so let's do it. What do we do next? Sean Brown, you're charging towards the castle. You are seeing these groups. And if you don't stop to fight them, they don't seem to stop to fight you. But as you're heading towards the castle, one group is blocking our route. And just as it seems like these red robed figures, they've drawn scimitars and they're starting to maybe point them at us.

But they're also looking like, maybe I just want to rob this cottage instead of messing with these two huge people and other individuals coming charging at the castle as they look like they're hesitating. Suddenly one of them turns around and is a woman with a golden mask on. This figure has a golden hem to her robes. And the golden mask that she's wearing seems that tendrils that come off of it. One tendril sweeps up to form horns going off like this. And then to sweep around in these cool arcs.

But it's a very elaborate thing. Is that the queen? She sounds important to me. Can we look important? You know what I want to do? I want to take these fuckers out and press the queen with her battle abilities. OK. And as she turns, she goes, aha, and the red robe figures seem to turn and look at what she's saying.

And she says, it seems we have interlopers. Interference. Got damn right. They have wealth that shall feed the dragon queens horde so that's for them, my children. And it looks like six cultists are converging on our position right now. And she starts to wave her hands like she's getting ready to cast a spell. But they're taking some time to get to us.

We would get to go first. And if we go through in just the order, I have us norm the barbarian. I like this. What would you like to do? I have an idea. Well, no, we have to attack. I have an idea of how we could attack him. What? So you can go berserker, right? Yeah. I can I say that again?

Big cat can go berserker. Yeah, that's correct. Has the ability to go berserker. I have the ability to talk somebody up. Can I do like, can I code? Can I talk you into going berserker? Yeah. I'm like Traymond Green and he's Katie. And I'm just going to help me up and then I'll go at him.

So here's what I'm going to say. This would happen on your turn, but let's say you're doing it right now. You're giving him bardic inspiration. Yes, you give him bardic inspiration. Then what you get is a little boost whenever you want to add it to one of your roles. And the best time is to use it is if you got close, but not quite a success. You can be like, I'm calling upon my bardic inspiration. And you like think back to that moment when the Dwarven Bard said,

what do you say to him to encourage him? What do you say to him? That is the encouraging bardic inspiration. It's going to be something that he'll remember code word code word. My code word is or just like, go get a tiger doughnuts. I don't know about doughnuts for doughnuts. It can be. It could even be you just playing a song for him and that encourages him.

But that's how far let's rip. Oh, let's let's let's say let's rip. And now on any D20 role that you want, you're going to get a little boost if you invoke your bardic inspiration. But it's after you roll. You don't have to decide until OK. So you run in, you swing at one of the red roped cultists. Is that right? Yeah.

Don't be so I got it. I got a role, right? Absolutely. So I assume you rage first. Is that right? Yes. I'm a rage first rage first act. And I ask questions later. OK. Absolutely.

And you roll a D20 and add plus five for your great sword attack. Nineteen, there we go. Oh, yes. Let's fucking go. Rage. So you still have the bardic inspiration. You do definitely not need to do it now. Yeah, you've got a 24.

You slash this guy and I'm going to roll your damage for you right now. You cleave this cultist right in two. I'll deal with this. Holy shit. And he just gets sliced right in half, diagonally. Boom. And the other five. Oh, look at us like no, no, no, no, no, no. And they start to back off.

But some of them look like they're like, no, I'll lunge forward. Maybe take a stab at that barbarian. Good thing you're raging now. If they do hell, yes, they have damage. Yeah, that was a great turn. Learn something, Billy. Watch and learn. And then Wayne, you use your bonus action at this point to inspire

the barbarian and that retroactively. And then you've got your action still. What would you like to do? I want to let you know you have a sword and a crossbow. Let's say that you could use. That's what dwarfs would use. You use a crossbow. But if you don't use your weapons,

you also have magic that you could do as a bard. One spell is vicious mockery. You insult someone so badly that they take psychic damage from how bad your burn is. Mental asshole. And they get disadvantage on their next attack. Or if you really want to take somebody out the spell, hideous laughter makes them just start laughing uncontrollably

and they drop their weapons and shit and fall to the ground laughing. Oh, that's really cool too. So I like to tickle them to death option. And I also just like roasting somebody so badly that their brain starts to eat itself. I feel like should I roast the lady with the weird hair and the braids and stuff?

I feel like if I make fun of her hair, she's just going to crumble. She's got the mask with all the tendrils coming off it. It looks very expensive. And she looks like she is very egotistical. Like she wants to be in charge here. If you use vicious mockery against her, she's probably going to be very mad.

Yeah, can I say to her, hey, that's a cool mask. Does it come in your size? Boom, nice. You can tell it doesn't quite fit her exactly right. It goes to adjust it. I'm giving her disadvantage on her saving throw and she needs to roll. No, already she's doing bad.

Yes, she's definitely failing that saving throw. And she goes, you wouldn't say that, my, and her mask falls off. Oh, yeah. Pick it up off the ground and she looks very foolish in front of all of her teammates. You just dealt three points of psychic damage to her. I'm going to say she bonked her head

while trying to like she stumbles and hits your head on a rock while trying to find your mask. And the next thing she tries to do will have disadvantage because you use the vicious mockery. Don't make fun of her hair. Say like, hey, I didn't know there was a sports clips around here.

That's pretty good too. So if I'm making fun of her, does that mean that she kind of likes me now because I've done a good job of nagging her? So she's got low self-esteem? She does. She might have low self-esteem. She doesn't seem to like you anymore.

And in fact, she is targeting you, Bard, with whatever she does next. She's kind of... I mean, she likes me. It's like in kindergarten when a girl pinches you. Point of order, Tim. Are there love scenes in Dungeons & Dragons? The answer to that is there can be, if you want.

Okay, no, we want to keep it, no. Yeah. Billy was ready to fall off the end of the line. Send a note. I control all the NPCs here, so it's really your fault. You have definitely gotten her quite upset at you, Bard. You're going to be her next victim with whatever magic she throws her way.

But you insulted her so badly, Vicious Mockery gives her disadvantage on any attack wall. So she'll be fumbling and stumbling. Got her, she's neutralized, cool. Okay, all right, so what do we do next? And then that would bring us to Erlich's turn next, and then Berserker-Billy will be up, and then the cultists and this Acolyte leader are going to go.

And so, Erlich, you could certainly fire an eldritch blast. Hank lost his die, which I think was on purpose because he doesn't want to be in a fight. Like, be more obvious, Hank, that you don't want to be here right now. You'd rather be at the temple. I had it earlier. Okay.

Man, cast his die, Hank. Yeah, he's got it, he's got it. So what does he got to do? What does he got to do? If you want to go on the offense, you want to do eldritch blast, probably you roll a d20 plus five, but you can do whatever you want,

and I just want to let you know you might have some mind influencing magic, and as a warlock, you'd also be very persuasive for talking with people. I just want to make sure you know all your options as it were. And do you mean by people, do you mean my enemies or my teammates?

You are persuasive with all kinds of people. You are very charismatic and good at negotiating with your friends and your enemies, but you also have magic such as charm person. That's one, in the old game, you used it against goblin to good effect, and that can turn enemies to maybe at least become nonviolent if not turn to your side.

That's good, I mean that's what we want here. All right, what do I need to roll? What do I need to roll? Prepare yourself. Is that charm person that you're thinking of doing, or eldritch blast? Charm person. Charm person that's felt it.

Who are you trying to cast it on? One of the cultists or on the acolyte, the leader who's trying to get her mask right now? One of the cultists. One of the cultists. Because if you can turn the head of the cult, then you become the head of the cult. So you said if you want to turn the head of the cult,

are you trying to get the leader here or just one of the six cultists who are working for her? Oh, because it's, I guess one of the six cultists, we'll just get one of them, and then we'll convert her friends. One of the six cultists, it seems like they're probably easier to get control of and to influence.

And I'll roll for one of the cultists. There is a cultist who looks like he's definitely a half orc of some kind, it looks like. And you kind of like, he's the closest to you, so if you're just targeting the closest cultist, he kind of looks at you and then starts to crack a smile. And he says, oh, hold on. And in comedy, he's saying, hold on, this guy,

I know this guy, hold on, this gnome is, and he starts laughing. Hey, don't I know you? And what are you saying to him, Erlich? I don't know you. It seems like that worked. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Hank knows this guy.

Hank knows this guy, this guy knows Hank. Johnny Ola, this is Godfather too. Hank, what do you mean you don't? How'd you know him? How does this guy know you? No, I knew it was you, Hank. It's my magic. It's my magic.

Is he like, oh, I almost have one of those faces? No, I haven't seen you in a while, Hank. Interesting. Okay. It's my magic, right? It's just my mind. It is just your magic that you can think that he knows you. You know that you're influencing his mind,

but to be fair, you're the only one who knows that right now. His teammates, the cultists are confused, and it sounds like your teammates are also a little. Not surprising, not surprising from them. They don't understand the deep magic. You can use part of your move to talk to this cultist, this half-war cultist you've got control of.

Did you want to ask him anything or say anything to him? Where are the rest? What was that? Where are the rest? Where are the rest, yeah. He kind of gestures that the four standing cultists still around him, and the acolyte, he's trying to pick up her mask,

and he says, and the rest are all gathering at the castle soon. Great job, Hank. We didn't learn anything back then. Are you here to help us? This is a terrible move. That was a good job, Tim. Thank you for playing along with Hank's terrible question.

Hey, where is everyone else? Are they at the temple or the castle? He doesn't talk about it. Can I ask if I can join them? What you, when you say, can I, you say that, can I join you? Yeah, like, hey. Hold on, everyone.

The gnomes with us, the gnomes with us. And he starts to say that, and now, Erlich, you know this, none of these cultists, even the leader, because she's confused, the acolyte, she's confused, so she's not even gonna attack you. None of them are gonna attack you until they figured out what's going on here.

Eventually, they might figure out that somebody's under a charmed person's spell. Now, do you say anything to clarify to your teammates what's going on? No, fuck them. They've been haters since the jump. I've been ready to get rid of them, so I'm happy to move on to this new cult.

Wait, so you're in the cult now? Yeah. You're part of us. You cannot. Billy, the cult is fun. The cult is fun. What fire are you in, really? Billy, is he my boss?

Is he my boss in the game? If you join the girl, Billy, you can go berserk mode. Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Time out, time out, time out. I'm calling time out. There are two things that are going on right now. We're playing Dungeons & Dragons with Tim and Billy in real life.

If you betray me in PFT, you're fired. Is that not part of the game? Are they my boss? Are they my boss in real life, in the game? Not in the game, in real life. I only enforce things that happen in the game world. I have no power. Billy, you know what you should do?

You should totally try to do the exact same thing that Big Cat did really well earlier, because I'm sure you'll be just as good at it. Yeah, she's trying to go rage mode. You should try to go rage mode. I'm just saying, Billy, if you want to go rage mode, the cult will have you. You can rage mode whenever you want.

Can I? We will fire you, in real life. Can I meet the queen? In real life. This is not the queen. I think we've established that the lady with a stone mask, she's like a local, she's a capo. And PFT already fucking roastered, dude.

What are you going to do? OK, OK. What is Billy's options? What are my options? Give me some options. Your turn right now. So you've got, as a cleric, you have some attack spells, like guiding bolt, that laser beam, and sacred flame.

You've got some boosting spells that buff your friends, your allies, and healing magic. Otherwise, you've got your war hammer. You don't have much in the way of mind control magic at the moment. You have one spell that could mind control people. Command is you shout one word, and they have to halt, or flee, or something like that.

And then you've got your war hammer. You trust in your war hammer. OK, OK. Attack. Let's do some negotiations. So Hank's on the evil side. No, he's just ingratiating himself with them. He's a spy.

Why don't you attack them? Attack Hank? No, attack the fucking little shits that we keep kicking their ass. They're about to attack us back, Billy. No, but aren't they, like, emaciated? They're, like, chilled? No, they're half orcs.

Give us the status update. You're only not attacking Erlich at the moment. Erlich, we need you. How closely are orcs to goliaths? Well, half orcs and goliaths aren't related to each other, but they do occupy the same environment, mountains. Are we chill? That probably means they fight.

Oh, OK. Don't fight them, dudes. All right, he's going to fight them. I want to go, I want to go. They respect each other. They respect each other. You know what they really respect, Billy? It's violence.

Yes. All right, fuck them up. I want to do just, like, what's, like, my best move right now as a war priest? I want to get physical with them. You want to use the hammer. Just say that you want to use the hammer. Throw some hands.

You could use the hammer. You could throw Sacred Flame. Probably your hammer's slightly better. Can I do both? Your most powerful attack would be guiding bolt to blast them with a huge laser. Take that all. Take all of them, though.

I want to hit them with the hammer. Laser? All right, fine. Do whatever you want. We can use the hammer later. Can I light up my hammer with the bolt and just, OK, whatever. Bolt, big, big bolt thing. My powerful one.

He's going to roll. All right, here we go. You know what? I'd let you say that it shoots out of the hammer. OK, OK, OK. I'm in. I'm in. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right, thank you, Chino. That was great. There you go. You would have been stuck on that for a while. Here we go. All right, bolt man. Let's do bolt man. Huchah!

18! 18! Yeah, dude! Hell yeah, Billy. Way to help out the time. 5, 23, you are hitting anyone on this map. You're aiming for it. Who are you aiming for?

One of the five standing cultists or the Acolyte leader? Leader. Leader. Do you want to take the leader out? Can I take the leader out? No, no, the lead. Because what if she's a baby? Oh, we can probably kidnap her.

All right, kill the other guys. Kill all the other guys and then hit the leader with a sub. You want to take out other people that hit the leader with a sub? You know what? I'll roll your damage and I will let you kill the cultists. One priest, baby! We'll see how many cultists you can take down.

You swore an oath of celibacy. You know if that's two cultists right there. OK. Fire at one cultist and just burn a hole in their chest. And it shoots through that cultist into another cultist. And that cultist goes flying back into a cottage and crashes through the wall. You have taken out two cultists with one guiding bolt.

Yes. So good stuff. Are these other cultists now, are they willing to concede defeat? Are they like, hey, one guy got cut in half. The other guy got a bolt of lightning shot through his sternum into our other guy. We're just going to bow this out.

At this point, it would be looking like they are considering their options. They look like they want to flee. The two remaining cultists that are still standing want to flee. And the acolyte is very upset because she doesn't want them to flee. But as they run, she realizes she's alone here with disadvantage thanks to your insult.

And she is also running for it now. So they're all trying to run at the moment. Is there any last thing that here would be the barbarians to her neck? Did you hear my sup, though? Can we catch her? Can I catch her? She should be like, can I grab her?

Like you can snag her? Who you can ever? No. And she's running for it. She grabbed her mask and she's running. Respect. All right, respect her. Can we play respect?

Hold on, respect your choice. Can I snatch her? Can I grab her? No, no, stop it. Stop. Can I snatch her? You could run forward and you could try to tackle this person. This would be an athletics check.

Yes. I think we should do it, though. I want to cancel you. No, dude, we need to get her on. Yeah, let's get her. Let's get her. I'm going to try to do that. I'm going to try to do that.

Pursuit. Absolutely. As you charge at her and get ready to do the tackling move, first of all, you're raging. So you're going to have advantage on this. Barbarians get advantage on all athletics checks when they are raging, including grappers. So you are going to get to roll two times.

The number you need to beat to tackle her effectively, she's actually like bobbing and weaving. She's serpentining and she is getting an 18 total. So you need to beat an 18. But you have a plus five on this. So you're rolling two times. All right, so I've got a plus five and I'm rolling twice. Beat 18.

Beat 18. Oh. What's that? That's a six. That's a six. Your barbarian reflexes kick in. No. What was that?

One. Is she getting away? Oh, one. So luckily you're not stuck with that natural one, which would be something extra bad. But it sounds like you did not get an 18 total. So you go to tackle her. She at the very last minute goes right when you're going left.

You hit the ground at a slide. You're not falling yet. But you do see she's turning around. And she had a ready to action as she was running to cast a spell at whoever was attacking her. And she points a hand at you, Norm. And she says, the power of Tiamat shall compel you. Flee, worm.

And I need you to make a wisdom saving throw. She just used the spell Command against you, the very spell I mentioned to the cleric just a moment ago. It is a one word command. And if you roll a d20 and add a plus one to this, you need to get a 13 or higher and not have to obey her orders. Fuck, I can't believe I missed that attack.

If he dies, hey, let's rip. Let's rip. All right, here we go. Oh, can I use that? Can he just said let's rip? Can I use that? Yes, absolutely. When you said let's rip.

So you're going to roll. And if you don't do well on this, you can invoke your bardic inspiration for sure. But you only need to use it if you fail. All right, so I need a 13 and I got a plus one, right? Absolutely. Here we go. 12.

And you have a plus one on this. You only needed a 13. So yes, you succeeded on this even without the bardic inspiration. And here's the thing, since you succeeded against this spell and you're not fleeing, I'm realizing, what did you get as your higher the two grapple checks when you added the plus five?

Do you remember what it was? 11. It was 11. Was that before the plus five or after the plus five? After the plus five. After the plus five, then you know your bardic inspiration wouldn't have made a difference. If you had invoked it then you won't waste it in that case.

So you're not fleeing. You managed to hold your ground. And for just a moment, behind that strange mass squaring woman, you had seen a shadow rising up that looked for a moment like a dragon spreading its wings with five huge heads rising up. And you're like, it's huge. I have to flee.

And then you're like, wait a minute. You smack yourself a little bit. It is an illusion. It is not really there. And you do not have to flee now. You do not have to obey that command. That was your turn. And then Wayne, that would bring us to you.

Is there some sort of respecting spell? Can I cast a die to respect the woman? So here's what you could do. You could try to make, now that someone's already, someone's already tried to chase her. Didn't quite work. You could roll persuasion to try to get her to surrender right now, potentially.

And to be fair, you'd also have the spell charm person. So if you wanted to cast charm person to make somebody like you, you could try to use that spell in particular. I don't think any of these are necessary respectful options, but she's also, it seems like she's getting ready to cast spells to attack us.

Okay, so she's trying to hurt us. So do we want to make friends with her, or do I just say fucking and go melee on her? Maybe we get, I don't think we can be friends with her. We got to get her and get information out of her. But I can, if I go persuasion, I can make her talk to us. Or can Bob Costas kill her? A Bob Costas is following you.

I will assume, Barton, as he runs in, he says, oh, that an acolyte. I don't know her. I don't know that one. But she, like, big, ooh, I talk to Tiamat. I talk to Tiamat, she's a very special leader. He's lying. Yeah, I think he's lying to us.

So you want to persuader? So I can persuader, make her become friends with us, and then she can tell us what the hell is going on with this shadow dragon. Yes. So if you roll well on this persuasion check, you might get her to surrender, but you run after her in the barbarian

and you can roll and add a plus five to this. So you could convince her to throw down her arms and surrender. Okay, I'm going to call this my, my respect roll here. There we go. It's a eight. I have eight respects for her. Plus five.

And then you add plus five to this with a 13. She turns back and then she says, Tiamat may spare you, but she's still running and trying to cast spells to attack us. If we chase her, she's not going to be targeting you Bard, but that is all that you're getting right now. To be fair, if you say something to her, she might blurt out an answer right now,

but she's not going to stop running. She basically was like, hey dude, you seem like a nice guy. I'm not into nice guys. She was like, you got a great personality. Yeah, right. Right. Yeah.

Yeah, that's fine. I've been there before. Can I ask her what's the deal with that shadow dragon? She gestures at the kind of shadow. Now, actually, I got to warn you, you didn't see that. Oh, okay. Then I'll change my question. I'm the one who's checking.

I'd like to change my question then. Where are you going? Where are you going? She says, I am fleeing back to Frula Mondas. She will know what to do next. Oh, Frula Mondas is a bigger boss. Please just let me go. I will not attack you any longer if you do not attack me.

We are only here for the money. She's going to go tell a big boss lady. Yeah. All right. Is it Hank's turn? It's Hank's turn. Now, that brings us from your turn, Wayne, to Erlich's turn. Now, Erlich.

Yeah, Hank was like, and in theory, you've got one of these cultists who's trying to run away right now, charmed at the moment. But he's like heading out, trying to run for it. And you could chase after him. And he'd be very friendly with you, even if the other people wouldn't be. At the same time, you could do an attack spell with somebody,

or there is now a clear route to the castle if you want. Should we go to the castle? Yeah, you want to run to the castle? We're going to let her go to Frula Monda. Where's the clue? Yeah, can I be able to take her out, just eliminate her from the equation, because that's what we want, right?

Yeah, because I'm afraid that she's going to tell Frula Monda like, hey, you guys got to roll deep on this. All right, let me. Yeah, I want to go after her. I want to go after the witch. Absolutely. Were you hoping to deal enough damage to knock her out

or were you going to try to tackle her? No, KO. One shot. KO, absolutely. I'll let you use your Eldritch Blast to knock somebody out for sure, and you will roll a d20 plus five to see if you hit her. Let's go, Hank.

And drop this strange energy in your hand. Let's go, Erlich. I got a four. How you doing that? A four. A four, even with a plus five. You are launching an Eldritch Blast in her direction, but it is she turns and ducks out of the way.

You didn't fucking kill her here. You didn't avoid your tackle. You said nothing to the team. She shredded your defense. She's a better joker than you are in NCAA football. God damn it. Don't work on the pursuit. Hank, you're shooting.

All right, so now what do we got? Billy's stuck in there. And now with Zercher, Billy, you'd be up. What would you like to do then? She's going to get a chance to try to run away from us, but she also sees spells being cast at her, and she might cast a spell back. All right, Bill, you're the meat shield.

Just go after her. I got an idea. I got an idea. Go ham at her. Get her. No, no, no. We get Bob to send a message. What?

No. Billy, Billy, you were way too inside your own head. Go for her. OK, OK, hammer, hammer time, hammer lightning. That's good. Hammer time, hammer lightning. Get that thing going again. Ride the lightning.

All right. So if you have Bob with you, you could get him trying to talk to this person, see if it'll help you. You'd have plus four on persuasion if you were trying to talk to her. Is that what you said you were trying to do? No, you don't have time for that. Just wore hammer of lightning.

Absolutely, 100%. If you charge her and swing your Warhammer, you'd think it would probably deal enough to knock her out after the three damage she's already taken. So roll a d20, and you add plus four for your Warhammer. Oh, yeah. Hammer time, hammer time, hammer time. Come on, come on.

Billy, it's a three. It's a three, Tim. Unfortunately, and you don't have far of a inspiration at the moment that she wouldn't be giving you. Nothing would get in advantage on that, unfortunately. Now, you charge her at the same time Bob hasn't done anything. So as Bob runs up to follow us, he starts to see what the bard was doing.

And on Bob's turn, just before she runs further, would someone like to roll for Bob to see if Bob can convince her? He's saying, hey, hold on, stop. We just want to talk to you. Bob, do you want to roll for Bob? Wait. OK, we've got Bob rolling for Bob right now.

Yeah, who would like to roll for Bob? Bob has got it here. Eight. He rolled an eight. He's got a plus one on this, and with a nine, she just spits on the ground and says, cobalt filth, you traitor. And Bob just shrugs.

He says, ah, I can't please some people. And she is trying to run for it right now, but she is trying to hide amongst some buildings. She is not managing to hide. You see her dive in through a window. She crouches. She rises up, and she's still watching us, getting a spell at the ready.

That would bring us back to norm, the barbarian norm. We've got to finish her off, big cat. We've got to finish her off. We've got to fuck her up. She's going to mess us up. Yeah, what a PG. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So whatever I've got to do, I'll do for the team, Hank.

Spam RPGs. Are you going to tackle her again, or are you going to just try to knock her out with your sword? I think I just got to try to fucking knock her out. I clearly can't tackle. Absolutely. Can't wrap up. And go right ahead.

You're going to roll a d20 plus five with your great sword. All right, what am I looking for here? Probably not very high armor. You hit a cobalt with a 13. You think if she has better armor, you don't think it's much better. OK. 10.

That should be good. 10 plus five. So a 15 total. Yep. With a 15 total, you swing down through the window, shattering the window frame, and you swing down. She raises up her arm to protect herself, and you hit with that, dealing full damage.

And were you aiming to knock out or kill this Acolyte? I don't have time for that. Yeah, we got to kill her. We got to kill her. We already have one hostage. Yeah. With a slash, your sword is buried in her, and she is slain. All right.

Yes! In your mind, for just a moment, you hear a roar of a dragon, as though there's a dragon roaring in your mind. I'm still tripping. Yeah. I'm still tripping. And she is slain, and you have defeated her. And now you are standing right in front of the castle.

There are no cultists blocking your way to the castle at this point. And in theory, that is your turn, Norm. OK, let's go. Let's, by the way, let's go one more around. So PFT, Hank, then Billy will go, and then we'll end there. So let's try to get to a good spot here. Yeah, that was exciting.

Outside the castle, we've got a couple of kills on our belt. Let's go. Do we just go inside, or are we trying to sneak in? I mean, game plan. Just game plan. Just go the fuck in. Yeah, he said no one's in there. No one's in front of us.

OK, yeah, let's go in. Front door. No one's blocking our way to the castle. Front door. Let's walk in. Let me heal everybody first. And toward the castle gate, you can see this. There's militia guards, town guardsmen with bows out.

As they see you, the dwarf, they're like, OK, they're all right. They're not cultists. Come on in. Come on in, head in. And they're taking the occasional shot when a cobalt or cultist pokes their head out. And it looks like there's 30-something people gathered in front of the great hall of this keep.

So you run in through the gatehouse, and you're inside a little courtyard. And in this courtyard, in front of the main keep, it looks like there's a guy in a purple vest with white hair, the mayor, you think. And he's telling this crowd of 30-something people, all will be well. Don't worry, all will be well.

Then somebody says, well, what about the dragon? And everyone starts going nuts and screaming again. And he's like, ooh, wiping his brow. He seems very upset and doesn't have a good answer to that question. You also notice there is a dwarf here, one dwarf. Most of these people are humans in this village that you've seen so far.

But there is a dwarf running around who is healing people, it seems. There's a bunch of guards lying around who seem like they got badly injured and he's trying to administer first aid. That's all of what you see right now. Can we tell if there are like bird marks on them or are they battle scars?

It looks like there are some battle scars from blades and stuff, but two of them look maybe burned. It's unclear, they look like they've been damaged by fire, but it doesn't look like normal bird marks, you think. You could go up and you could try to make a medicine or arcana check on them to see if you know what kind of damage they got. What do dragons eat?

Ooh, dragons, as far as you know, eat meat in large, large quantities. And after that, it really depends on the dragon. Okay, I just wonder if we can poison this dragon, like throw out a bunch of food for it that I've put a spell into. And then we kill the dragon without even having to throw hands at it.

Flex, yeah. I like it. Can I make fake dragon food that's poisonous? You would have a spell called minor illusion where you can create a human-sized pile of something, like dragon food. And I'd say for the purposes of this spell, I'd like you to make a good smell coming off of it also.

But here's the catch. The moment a dragon touches it, their hand will go right through the illusion. So you do have that at your disposal. So I can lure them, but I can't actually poison them. So lure them and then we'll have Hank and Billy do something. Yeah, okay. I'd like to make a hologram version of dragon food.

I love that. Now, the best of your guests, a good example would be the classic, like the T-Rex and Jurassic Park, a goat just kind of leashed maybe up on the wall for ops or even, do you want to put it up? Where do you want to put this illusion? Inside the castle, inside the castle on the walls. In the courtyard, do you think?

Yeah, that's all. And then we can get high ground and we can get a dragon in close quarters. Yeah, ambush. Okay, yeah, let's put it in the middle. Or should we put it in a room and lock them in there? Zerk, is there like a dungeon in there in the castle? You might not be able to smell it.

There does seem like there would be, there's big doors leading into there are probably dungeons underneath this castle, but you think a dragon would be too big for the library. We've got a man cave. Courtyard. All right, so courtyard, courtyard, courtyard. Okay, well, Lord of the Dragon, the courtyard,

like a big bowl of whatever type of dragon food. Like some sort of goat. I like that soup. Dragon soup, like Cincinnati chili. Okay, you're making like a big stew. It looks like a big meaty stew for this dragon. Legs floating in it. Yeah, some shredded cheese on top.

It's getting more like a completed meal. I love that, that's good. People will see this huge bowl appear and they'll be shocked and we'll jump back and then some kids will run up and they'll start touching the illusion and waving their hands and it'll be like, it's not real, it's not real, whoa.

Do you do anything? The mayor's like, who's soup is that? I put up a sign that says, please do not touch the soup. A sign appears, please do not touch the soup and flashes for just a moment. Hot soup, hot soup, hot soup, do not touch, yeah. Absolutely. And Erlich, you in theory, we had already established,

do speak through draconic language. You could have an attack that in theory you could like get ready right now if you just want to ready an attack for when something does show up. But in theory, you'd also have spells like charm person and you'd also be very persuasive for talking to townsfolk or talking to anybody around.

I feel like I'd seem to get ready, load up the chopper. What about persuade them, persuade everyone to pretend that the stew is real? I'll have people line up with bowls and stuff. Like we gotta trick the fuck out of this dragon. But don't we need ammo for when the dragon comes and I load up, should we just load up? I think we've got, we've got ammo.

I've been a beast. You never have to reload a sword. Whatever the team says, whatever the team says. Let's convince the townspeople that the soup is real. Wait, does anybody else in this town recognize Hank? As a duplicitous fuck? Well, here's the thing, he's a gnome. So no, it doesn't seem like anybody recognizes him

in this town, but he's definitely noteworthy. Most of these people are humans and as a gnome, he'd be like a little spellcaster around here. Okay. Very noteworthy. So can we have him, can we have him like get basically the entire little area all in line? Like, hey, this is the plan. You're telling them this is the plan.

I love that absolutely. So you get them in on this plan, roll persuasion with a plus five, a d20 plus five to convince them to get in on this idea. Seven. This is, and to make sure they do it well. He rolled a seven. They're back down, but.

He rolled a seven. Seven in. A seven plus five, a 12 is enough. Yes! Doing a pretty good job, these townspeople so surprisingly good at putting up this ruse of being hungry. Probably the smell of the stew helps them and they're all loudly saying like,

I hope no dragons take this food. Yeah! Oh my God! Because they're also aware maybe of what we're plotting. They're also doing a good job of keeping their distance from the stew. Like, oh, I want to get closer, but I'm not too close. Yeah, the sign, let them know that.

They're in on the joke. I'm real hungry with some stew. All right, so Billy's going to get us, finally says perfect because we're going to get set up for the dragon. So I want to set the trap. What can I type of trap can I set? So when the dragon comes,

can we like throw like a huge net on it? Or like, what does my war priest magic got going? Let's see. Maybe that big thing in Game of Thrones on the ship types thing. You know what I'm saying? Oh, like the chain in Game of Thrones. Yeah, yeah.

Okay, okay, what you want to queue up, I'm going to tell you why. It's a, yeah, it's a guiding bolt and here's why. Because it didn't come into play when you were vaporizing the cultists in one go, but when you hit something with a guiding bolt, everybody who fires after you gets advantage on their attack.

So you go first, then you put a bull's eye on this thing and everybody who shoots after you gets a bull. I just want to set up to fuck up this dragon. Yeah, I'm camping. I'm camping on the dragon. You're like, you're pointing the laser at the dragon. Okay, ready to see roll? Because it's a, because it's a ready shot,

you are going to get to fire it before anything else happens. And then the smell starts wafting out and you are going to get to roll as our finale for the day because what you are seeing, first of all, hearing is a flapping sound, a leathery swooping of wings as in the distance behind several cottages,

we see blue lizard-like wings spread. And a blue-skilled dragon takes off into the air, flaps once twice, flies towards the castle, is a big horn on its head, and it says, what's that smell? And it says, go ahead and roll a D20 for five. D20 for five, don't let us down, dude. Come on, 20.

Come on, come on, 20, five. He rolled a five. Okay, hold on. What's the roll? Five, 50. A five and then with a plus five, that would be a 10. But however, I am giving for this awesome idea, some, oh, better yet,

I don't have to give DMs inspiration. You're surprising the dragon. The dragon's looking around for food saying, oh, this is going to be good. Roll one more time. You have advantage for the dragon. Here we go, here we go, here we go. Don't let us down.

Come on. Nine. Nine with a plus five, 14. So here's the thing. I'm just going to ask one question. Would the bard have given inspiration to this? Yes. You could have done your illusion

and still given inspiration. Yeah, I'll give them a little pep talk. What did you say is your pep talk? I said, all gas, no brakes. All gas, no brakes. And you remember him saying, just before you fired, all gas, no brakes. Roll, we're going to roll an extra D six

to see what you add on to this. And it's a full plus six. That's exactly what you needed to that roll. Okay. Your beam hits the dragon. Woo! The face, and the dragon lights up with a glowing halo all around it.

And for just a moment, you hear your war god's drums. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. Everybody can hear it, but then the dragon turns its head to our castle. It goes, oh, Indraconic, you're all in for it now. And so it's flying towards the castle. Oh, perfect cliffhanger. I like that.

Hell yeah, dragon is doing that Chris Barley gift when he realizes it's fake Folger's coffee. Yes. You son of a bitch. You've got my attention. All right, well Tim, that was fantastic. So two weeks from now, we will find out what happens when the dragon comes and fucks with our castle.

This was awesome, man. Thank you as always. Thank you Tim. Absolutely, it's such a pleasure. Thank you so much. All right, we're seeing a couple of weeks, man. See you dog. Take care, see you in a few weeks.

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