Pardon My Take - Kansas State And Gonzaga Win In Thrillers, Comedian Ari Shaffir + Fyre Fest Of The Week

Episode Date: March 24, 2023

We started taping with 4 minutes left in the Gonzaga/UCLA game and watched an all time Max meltdown. Markquis Nowell electrified the Garden and Kansas State marches on. Uconn rolls and Tennessee chokes in an awesome Sweet 16 (00:00:00-00:33:07). Comedian Ari Shaffir joins the show in studio to talk about his career in comedy, Lakers fans, the Yankees, where comedy is going, and his show tonight in New York City (00:33:07-01:31:44). We finish with Fyre Fest of the week (01:31:44-01:49:13).You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/PardonMyTake

Hey, pardon my take listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. On today's part of my take, we have March Madness, great Sweet 16 games. We also have an awesome interview with comedian Ari Shafir, very, very funny guy. Go buy tickets to his show tonight. Tonight, he is performing in New York City. It's really fun to talk to him, meet him.

We have Firefest of the Week, and also we're going to start the show at the end of the UCLA Gonzaga game, so you get bonus max being in full Eagles meltdown with how this game is going. And it's all brought to you by our friends at Game Time, the exclusive ticketing partner of Barstool Sports, created by fans, for fans. Game Time is a ticketing app that makes it easier than ever to score last minute deals on tickets to sports, concerts, and shows, and they guarantee the lowest price. There's been incredible games in Madison Square Garden in Las Vegas, so go check them out.

There's more games coming up. Saturday night should be great. The Marquise Noel show carries on. Also we have NBA playoffs, NHL playoffs, summer concert season coming. Everything can be bought on Game Time. The purchase process takes just two taps and 10 seconds, and once you buy your tickets, they're delivered directly to your phone. No printer needed.

The app also allows you to easily share tickets with friends via text, so you can get into the game seamlessly, skip the hassle, enjoy the moment, download the Game Time app, or go to the website, enter your email and redeem code PMT for $20 off your first purchase terms apply, download the Game Time app, or go to the website now and use code PMT for $20 off your first purchase terms apply. Okay, let's go. Welcome to part of my take today is Friday, March 24th, and it is the Marquise Noel show. That was an awesome, awesome game, but we should also, we should also let everyone know Max

is doing like silent, silent theater right now. We were watching the last three minutes of UCLA Gonzaga, UCLA forgot how to play basketball, and Max is losing his goddamn mind. Devon made a shot in 10 minutes. Yeah, this is ridiculous. Max, they look so good in the first half. They're not even fucking close to making a shot. They're just passing back and forth to each other and just say, no, you shoot it, no,

you shoot it, and then they just take a little fucking floater and it hits the front rim every fucking time. Timmy is just eating your lunch right now. Drew Timmy has become a fucking assassin. Drew Timmy is the best fucking player on the planet. He's actually, every single time he wants to score, he scores, they just missed that free throw. Yeah, so for people who obviously follow the show, they know for anyone who hasn't kept

up with Max's wild world of wagers and is all spawning from the Super Bowl bet, I gave him $1,500 on my UCLA future, so he'd be standing to win like 12 grand, 11 grand. So he is living and dying with the Bruins who he picked, and everyone gets hurt when he picks a team. And they were looking like the best team in the world the first half. Yeah, they were. The best team in the world. I was already thinking about Yukon.

I wanted Yukon bad. Yeah, because you hate Yukon. Here's a three. Another brick. Surprise. Surprise. Brutal. This is bad.

This is really bad. I felt so good about this in the first half, and then just utter shit. They've played like dog shit the second half, Max. Five for 24 in the second half. They're also getting doubled up on rebounds. It's like 46 to 24. It's bad. This is bad.

This is bad moment for the podcast. Yeah, so we did watch an incredible, incredible Sweet 16 game game over game over Gonzaga just hit a three to go up 10. This has been an insane second half. Drew Timmy has 36 points on 24 shots. He has just dominated this game. UCLA stopped playing basketball basically for the last 10 minutes. It's 39 to 16 in the second half.

That's insane. It's ugly, but let's not let this overshadow the real story of the day. My guy. Yes. Marquis Noelle. Incredible. Time for five, eight guys everywhere. Five, seven, five, eight Marquis.

Yeah. No, he's five, eight. He said he's five, seven on a good day. I heard he was five, eight. Yeah. I was reading an article that he was saying himself he's five, seven, but that even makes him better. If he's five, seven, I'm five, seven.

Okay. There you go. You stand with him. Yeah. I stand. I'll, I'll, I'll shrug my shoulders a little bit, bring my neck down. Whatever. He's, he's the fucking man.

Marquis is incredible. Noelle took over Madison Square Garden tonight. He had 20 points. Mr. King, Mr. New York, Mr. New York, March Kies. Yes. He had 20 points, 19 assists, five steals, one turned ankle, and he got America free chicken wings too. Yes.

So shout out because it was the first, it was the first overtime game of the entire tournament. Which is crazy. America gets six free chicken wings. We were due. We were due. Well, actually chicken wings asterisk because of the boneless ones. Oh, whatever.

I'll take it. I'll take it. I'll take it. I'm not gonna look down my nose at free chicken. No phenomenal. He had the ball on a string. It was just like every, everywhere he went on the court, he had perfect control of the entire game.

He was making passes like, yeah, assists, not all assists are equal because sometimes you can make an assistant. A guy will, you know, it hit an incredible shot. He was putting, he was putting the ball and his players in his teammates' hands like six inches from the basket. He was making the best alley-oops, backdoor cuts. It was absolutely phenomenal. He was almost throwing deflections off of his teammates' hands into the basket.

It was incredible to watch. It was magic. The play of the game was the fake alley-oop where he was like yelling at his coach and they were having an argument over what to do. So I originally, when I saw it, I said they drew that up. That's a great disguised play. Argue with your coach, throw an alley-oop while the defense is reacting to that and get an easy two points out of it.

I was wrong about that. So they asked Marquis and I think they also asked Tang, the coach, after the game. They said it was actually a discussion they were having on whether or not to go for a two for one. Yep. And Noelle saw his teammate streaking out of the corner of his eye as he was talking to his coach and in one fluid motion through the alley-oop. It was perfect.

So it wasn't drawn, which is actually somehow more impressive because I was going to say like the ball's on Tang to run that play in that moment. That's incredible. But the fact that Noelle saw that and made it happen himself, even better. It was basically perfect basketball. He was playing perfect basketball. He even threw in a couple, you know, I'm just going to say fuck it and try to shoot from the logo, which he's allowed, missed a couple of those.

But that doesn't matter because he completely dominated that game and it was a night when Michigan State was also playing phenomenal. Like they were shooting the lights out. Both teams could not miss. It was just, it's why you love the tournament. Games like that. It was truly like a special game that even like maybe halfway in the second half were like, yo, this is, this is an awesome game to watch.

Yeah. And stay woke on the logo thing because they're making the logos bigger. Yeah. So you get more logo threes. But he did shoot it very far. He did. He did a couple of heat checks on those. This is just complete vindication for many of us who have asked him to pass this.

Tom Izzo overrated. Yeah. He's not. He's not. But he did. But we did get a little salty Tom Izzo after. He said that they had some lucky shots, you know, mostly talking about Noelle's bank shot when he basically lost the ball, recovered it.

Not luck. Yeah. But it was a little salty from Tom Izzo. Listen, I'd rather be lucky than good sometimes. Yeah. Yeah. So it was, it was an incredible game. It was a truly like one of those games that you will remember, March Madness Games, Max

checking in on you. This game is, you declared it over. I mean, there's never been a game that's ever been more over than this game. Oh, really? I knew that it was over 10 minutes ago. They, there's never been worse body language on a basketball team than UCLA has shown since the 10 minute mark of the second half. Max, I love your passion, but don't, don't get two downers.

I mean, you've got, you got, at least you got Harper and Hoskins, right? I don't want to talk about that right now. What happened? I mean, this is a bad time to be asking me that, asking me about that. I didn't see, did I saw him go down with an injury? Did they do an MRI? Have they checked in on him? I don't know.

He's dead. He's the MRI. And it's because he couldn't feel the ground ball. He said, he's hot. Wait, are you, are you injury shaming him? No, I'm not injury shaming him, but if you feel the ground ball cleanly, he doesn't tear his ACL. It sounds like you're saying he's, he's a lightweight pussy.

I just hate UCLA so much. Dude, you picked this team. I know I picked them. And, and, and, and everyone got hurt. Why did you pick a Zaga? Jayden Clark got hurt. Better odds. Adam Bono got hurt.

Again, I didn't even know that when I started watching this game, and maybe he could have stopped Timmy once. Would you even accepted the money if they'd wanted all we were talking about it. Oh yeah, I would. Like that's, that would have been bullshit that you would have made money off the, off the Eagles twice as much. Yeah. Twice as much money.

Oh yeah. Blood money for the Eagles. But who cares? It's over. You were still at Max Homer and the Masters. Max Homer's going to suck. Oh man. Oh man.

All right. So the other games, Yukon absolutely throttled Arkansas. Yeah. Like start to finish. They looked phenomenal. Yukon might be the best looking team in the tournament so far. Overall, start, start to finish every game. Well, no, the, you know, the first half and the first half against St. Mary's, they were

down and Iona. But yeah, they, they have in complete games, they have dominated their opponents. Maybe Alabama. Yeah. It's like Alabama, Yukon, those are the two teams that you look at and they definitely like, what, what does Steven Chey like confetti quarterback? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. You used to struggle a little bit. I mean, I guess if you're just going complete games, yeah, those are the three because Yukon has absolutely killed their opponents. They, they've come out a little slow in the first two games, but this one that it was right from the jump and Sonogo is practicing Ramadan. So he didn't eat before the game, still dominated. Like I'm always just amazed about that because I, I don't know how like he didn't let me

eat or drink all day and then like go running up and down this court. You can't have water during Ramadan. I don't think so. Maybe man, maybe water still. I was saying earlier, I can't podcast if I haven't eaten during the day. I don't know how you can play a basketball game. Oh wow. UCLA just hit a shot.

Drinking water during the hours of fasting is not permitted. Oh, and that was learning more. I was talking Islam. Also Marquisza. Well is listed at five eight. I'm, I'm, we'll height check him. Yep. Yep.

I mean that's, yeah, that's every, every five, seven guys says they're five eight. That's not true. I'm, I'm five eight and I say I'm five nine. Yeah, that's true. So you just round every guy under six feet rounds up. We get one inch. Yeah. You got to give us a little bit.

I think one, it means your shoes. Yeah. You're one inch taller in your shoes. If I'm wearing my two seventies, I don't know what kind of, what kind of air bubble he had on that pocket, but yeah, he looks five eight to me. Yeah. And then we, so Yukon throttled Arkansas and then Rick Barnes choked yet again. That was a game where Tennessee felt like they were in control and then FAU went on

like a 20 to four run in the second half and FAU is just good. I, I think they've tricked a lot of people because one, they didn't have to play Purdue to, they won their conference tournament, but people don't, maybe some people don't realize they would have been in the tournament regardless. They're just a really good team. Yeah. And they might've got a little lucky against Memphis, but we don't apologize for wins. They're a very good team.

They scare me. I'm going to be rooting for Kansas State. That's my team now. The world is saying, yeah. Marquis Noel is like a trans, he's a transcendent player to the point where I, the first thing I did when the game was over, I called my dad and I was like, dad, did you watch that? He, he's like, did you watch? It's a major get in touch with your dad to make sure that they saw that.

So I'm pulling a hundred percent behind Kansas State for the rest of this tournament. But I am worried about FAU because they're a damn good team and their guards are awesome. Yes. We, we mentioned it on a Monday show, but Kansas State has the team of destiny with Keontae Johnson. So that they got, they got everything going right now. And Willie the Wildcat, Willie the Wildcat and Bosco clapping out of, out of rhythm. Everything's going for them.

And the lavender, the lavender pops. Jerome Tang is awesome. I love Jerome. So yeah, they are, they, it does feel like the team, especially after Noel's performance night, he actually said afterwards, Jake did interview him. He asked him how wild it was that he did this in Mass Square Garden. That wasn't a block. That was not a blocking.

That was, that was a charge, Max. I've already considered this game dead. Okay. That was for sure a charge. That was absolutely charged. He, he said that was the best game he's ever played in his life. Yeah. Pretty good time to do that.

It was the best game I've ever watched in my life out of a single player. Like you can, you can point to other individual performances in the tournament, especially with like hot scores that just can't be stopped. But the way that he took over the entire court was unreal. He was, it's, it's, I ordered a Marquise Noel jersey, which I just realized is going to be completely, well, not really obsolete, but if you get it, maybe if they get to Houston, if they get to Houston, I'll be able to wear it while he still plays. You know what it is?

It's cross sport analogy. Yeah. We can do those. Uh, it was a little bit, I felt like a little bit like Messi where when Messi has the ball on his foot and he controls it and it's on a string, that's what it felt like with Noel where it's like even like his passes across the court, like they were trying to trap him a couple of times or they couldn't because he can throw it. He can hit someone from across the court in perfect stride, in perfect motion.

And it was just, the whole thing was beautiful to watch. You know me. I'm a bit of a NBA Draft Nick and I've been putting together my big board. I've got Marquise Noel going one overall ahead of Wimbanyom. A Drew Timmy too. A Drew Timmy is going three behind Wimbanyom. But then after that, there's a steep drop off to the next level. I actually predict that he will, uh, he's going to have like a 15 year career in Europe

and he's going to play for a team in every single country, basically. I listen, I think a team will give him a shot in the NBA. He's not going to be, you know, maybe a late round draft pick. But like if you, if you have that, like he. Short guards obviously struggle. He's very short. It sucks. But he's a perfectly average.

He could, he could absolutely be, you know, a second team guy who comes in for a few minutes and tries to get things going. Yeah. I mean, he's all heart. Uh, what was, what was DJ Augustine's height? See, this is the problem with NBA players. He was like five, 10. Yeah.

Like when you do like six, one, yeah, like Steph Curry, six, three. And you're like, wait, he's not short at all. Yeah. DJ Augustine was five, 11. So it might, but still that, I mean, Isaiah Thomas. Yeah. Nate Robinson. Yeah.

You can get still praying for him. Remember that. Is he, where is Nate Robinson? Shadow realm. Isaiah Thomas was six. Oh, the other Isaiah Thomas. Oh, other. Yeah.

Other Isaiah Thomas. Okay. The good one. The good one. The one, wait, which good one? The Celtics. He was five, nine. Yeah.

So yeah, there you go. Mm-hmm. He's just got to be Isaiah Thomas. He's got to grow one inch and be Isaiah Thomas. I would draft him. I would honestly draft him. Yeah. Uh, this game, where are we at Max?

Give us an update. Uh, we have momentum. We have momentum. But it's still, we have a lead. We have momentum. I'd rather have a lead. How do we get momentum with three and a half pounds? This is, this is the exact date of the Adam Morrison game.

The Adam Morrison game, I rewatched the last like two minutes on YouTube, but I forgot how much of a collapse. And that big guy getting the ball in the corn, Adam Morrison throwing to the big guy who just stood there with the ball over his head and got it stripped. Also the shorts, it's definitely like the biggest old thing ever. But like the, I love the shorts. I wish we still rocked the long shorts. Long shorts.

Great. The, the only other thing I had, uh, that was outside the tournament. Oh yeah. Tennessee, Tennessee, I feel bad for Tennessee fans, but also. What did you expect? This is actually. All in one. Yes.

We're back. 74, 70 with 45 seconds left. Max is going to have an aneurysm. I think, I think with, uh, with Johnny Fanta, we talked to him about Rick Barnes and, and we kind of made the excuse like Rick Barnes, since there are no expectations, we can't hold any losses against him. This tournament, I've reversed on that take because that was so ugly in the second half.

Yes. You got, you got your ass kicked by FAU. It was, yeah, they absolutely killed them. As the game went on, he kept looking more and more and more like an old retired like Catholic priest. Turns out, very sad. Turns out you need to make shots to win games. Yeah.

It helps if you have some players that don't base their entire, uh, their entire low post game off being like a joke. It's brother. Yeah. Just throwing elbows into people's mouths. All right. Here we go. 74, 71, 45 seconds left.

The inbound of the ball and they're falling. Doing the fall. What are they doing? Why? Max, can I tell you something that makes you feel a little bit better? Can I tell you something that makes you feel a little better? No. Yeah.

Yes. This will get my over to it. I don't. Why would you foul there? You're down one possession. You fell for that. I thought you knew it. I was going to say that.

I don't know. I thought there was some good, I thought it was some good news for you. Missed it. I got some good news. Oh, oh, oh, he missed it. He missed it. I didn't know he was 57%. Yeah, he was five heading.

Oh, man, at least the, uh, the Eagles are going to get Ezekiel Elliott. He was good like five years ago. I fucking hate Ezekiel Elliott. Clip it. Hank is diabolical. Hank actually plays 17 dimensional chess. Whenever there's rebound, oh, how does that drop? Whenever there's like a slight possibility that something heartbreaking

will happen to Philadelphia, Hank becomes a genius. Yeah. Uh, by the way, the other story I had. Oh, yes, and he scores. So it's 75, 73, 33 seconds left. Five seconds to steal it. And they're going to not steal it. They're going to have to foul again.

What are they doing? Oh, oh, they're not following. They're trapping. Time out. Okay. Good D. Uh, how about this guy who's going around saying he's Lamar's agent? Oh, yeah, what's his name?

Uh, fuck, I got to look it up. He, I swear to God, it's not me. Although I, I have done many of the things that Lamar's fake agent is being accused of doing, but I have not ever represented myself as actually working. The NFL had to release a statement being like, Hey, everyone, don't, if this guy calls you, he's not Lamar's agent. But there was another, uh, this guy's a wheeler in New York, Ken Francis. Yep.

So, so Tom Pelisaro, uh, treated Ken Francis as a Florida man who most recently was pitching a home fitness invention, I'm told he now is trying to negotiate a nine figure contract with NFL teams who are being told they're not allowed to negotiate with him because he's not a certified agent. You think I think in Francis is like when, uh, when Donald Trump used to do the, uh, John Barron voice where he'd call people and give quotes as his representative, I think it's Lamar Jackson and he's called, he's putting on a fake mustache and calling teams pitching Lamar service.

I like Ken Francis. I'm going to say it. I know that this is illegal and you shouldn't do this, but to go from, uh, pitching a home gym invention to calling up NFL teams being like, I'm here on behalf of Lamar Jackson. That's just great fake business going on. It's the most Florida man thing ever. He's very all, you didn't even have to read the rest of the description.

He stopped it at Florida man. And he's got, you know, he's got the Bluetooth and he's walking around. He's got the holder for his phone. He's just going into like a local coffee shop doing big time business, calling up NFL teams. I see him sitting down in a Starbucks and putting his feet up on a table. Like it's his home office. Yeah.

And he's not even wearing socks. Please, please, please. I'm on the phone with the cults right now. This is a very, this is a very important call. Chris, Chris Bauer just offered me four years for, for 220 million. I'm going to try to get them up. Yeah. I'm talking to the, to the saints because they know that there's no

such thing as a salary cap. You see that? Yes. The saints are actually, they're out of cap hell again. The saints have been in and out of cap hell so many times in the last five years. Every year it's like, well, nope, cap hell coming up for the saints. The seller cap is not real. It doesn't exist.

No, it's not. It's cap. It truly is every, every single time anyone says anything about the cap, I'm like, well, they'll just cut a couple of players and do some weird contracts. And they're good players. They'll just renegotiate and pay them more right now and not pay them more later. And they'll kick the can down the road and they'll be fine. Do you think there's somebody in the league office who's in charge of like

looking over every spreadsheet from every team and finding out who is actually violating the cap? It seems to me like the cap is just like an honor system thing. Yeah. No, they call them once a year and they're like, you good? And they're like, yeah, we're good. We're going to be under it. It's like elf on a shelf.

They're like, no, we've got a guy. He's right. He's, he's watching your transactions very, very closely. They missed a foul shot. This is crazy. They missed a foul shot at 75, 73 with 25 seconds left. It's like the threat of getting in trouble is what keeps people from violating the cap. What did you just whisper, Max?

Hey, what did you just whisper? No, no, say it again. Say it again. I said, hey, you can't say like, what do you say? I said, miss it again. You bitch. Oh, OK, that's fine. Yeah.

What's wrong with that? What'd you think he said? I'm there to show it to Timmy's mom. I was not talking about you, Timmy's mom on it on the record. There was no mother talk there. When I say before the game started, true Timmy's foul shooting issue. Yeah. Highlight it underline.

It's an issue. It's an issue. Come on, Max. Come on, Max. Come on. Come on, Max. UCLA with the ball. 73, 17 seconds left. Oh, my God, three-pointer up. Come on, dude.

I fucking did it. I fucking did it. I love that. There's 12 seconds left to idiot. There's 12 seconds left to idiot. I know, but that's a great shot. Are we done? We've got to be excited about good shots.

You've got to be able to celebrate the beauty of basketball right now. No, I'm excited about the good shot. You started screaming, I fucking did it. No, I said, I fucking love this team. I did it. Did anyone else say I fucking did it? I don't know. I was just too adamant.

You said I fucking did it. 12 seconds left. I don't know what I said. Oh, man. This is going to be great, Max. We're going to win this game. Don't say that. What?

It's my bet. I have a lot on it. Yeah, Max, everybody in this room actually has. Yeah. We're all in this together, but we're all counting on you. Yes. You're the leader. And I just want a team to get to the Final Four in Houston.

And if UConn plays UCLA, I'll have that. I'm out of breath. He's John Wood's son. Yeah, that was crazy. He's also like 85. Titus did draw an interesting thought when we were streaming. It's like UCLA has a very good history in basketball, and maybe because it's so long ago,

but I don't hate them whatsoever. No, I think they're cool. Not, yeah, not at all, because they've got the teams in the 90s were awesome. They were fun to watch. The pyramids, yeah. The pyramid of success. Yeah, Kevin Love was so much fun.

But he was fat. And he was flammable. Yeah, the outlet passes. Yeah, Russell Westbrook. We need to make a part of my take pyramid of success. Yeah. Losing bets. Ties every single one of them.

Ties any coast to coast. Yeah, UCLA's fun. But it's very rare that you'd have a team that can boast that many national titles. These guys, what are they doing? Timmy's just going to score here. They're doing a sad hug together. Timmy's just going to score.

Have this much success and not be hated. I'm sure like USC fans hate him, but who else hates UCLA? You know how we were talking about how Drew Timmy can come back and play another year if he wants to? Hank just made a very bad face about a woman on the screen. No, I'm looking at the game. I'm nervous.

I'm nervous. She was an LA woman with maybe some plastic surgery. I'm nervous. Hank just threw up again for the second time this week on a part of my take podcast. All right, 76-75 UCLA, 12.4 seconds left. Gonzaga inbounds the ball. We need Jake here.

They're bringing it up. Looking like they're going to play. They ran the play. And he nailed it. And he nailed it. And he nailed it. Oh my god, 78-76. Tiger Campbell coast to coast.

Oh no, he's going to miss this. Oh, he got stoned. Oh no, Max. Did Max say I did it? Did Max say I did it? They ran the play, Max. That was the Villanova play. That was the Villanova play.

Oh my god. That was using his favorite play of all time against him. That's on you, Max. That one is definitely on you. I don't know. I need to listen back. Is there any way that we can, I wish we had our new studio. We could listen back to everything right away, right Hank?

Yeah, yes. Can we listen back? They ran. How long will it take for us to upload if we go to Ari Shafir and then we bring, come back for a firefest? Will we? They ran the Philly special play on you, Max. They ran the Philly special on you, Max.

Max, Max, you need to talk. Don't text. You need to talk. I can't believe, like, that's my play. Oh, he missed it. OK, we're still alive. We're not alive. Damn.

What a game. UCLA and Gonzaga just only play bangers. And now it's like the end of the Morrison game. He just gave it up. Yeah. Do you want to get a shot? Do you miss this? If you're the Zags?

I think you do. On purpose, no timeouts. Yeah, no, I think you missed this on purpose. No, they have no timeouts. You want to tie the game. You don't want to leave a shot for a heartbreaking loss. No, but with no timeouts, they have to rebound the ball and just the best you can get

was the no timeouts. But no timeouts, they still have to go full court. And the worst, the best you can do is tie. Right, right. But if they missed this shot, catching a rebound, they had to turn around immediately and shoot. Yeah, the best they can do is like a 75 footer. If they make this shot, they can throw the ball in.

They can maybe get like an actual three. I would take a guaranteed tie. They just added a mystery 0.3 seconds on the clock. He made it. OK, Max, there's no chance he's getting this. So I don't know why we ever hopes up. Game over UCLA, sad. Oh, my God, he had an incredible look.

He had an incredible look. That was a great play. He had an incredible look. Max, the Philly special. Max, you ruin everything. UCLA goes down. All of us have UCLA. You ruin everything.

You know what? Here's a spin zone. Quick spin zone for everyone. I just watched it go. Max, this should make you feel better. The what? You hit your over? No, no.

I wouldn't do that to you twice, but I did. Over's back. Yeah, overs are back because I big brain. I was like, March Madness saw all the bad publicity. I said that to you. I was like, they're going to see all the bad publicity about shot making. They're going to loosen up these fucking rims.

They can't set that Saturday morning at like two in the morning. I was like, I've been thinking a lot about this. No, Max, the spin zone here, the silver lining is now that UCLA is eliminated, no more of their players can get injured because you've injured their entire team. I don't care about this team. Like this is one thing like I definitely don't care.

No, you got no, I really don't. Like I don't. I wanted them to keep winning with the potential of winning a lot of money. Like that was that was fun to me. Yeah, you have won $12,000. I think it was it was 10 to one. Oh, so you would have won 11.

Yeah. No, yeah, 15, 1500, $15,000. Damn, that's a lot of money, Max. Yeah, I would have enjoyed that. Bought a car. Well, no, he is buying a car. I am buying a car. I sold my car to Hank for $1 or two years ago.

He's selling it to Max for $2. That's a business man. So Max, you know you have to now sell this car for $4 in a couple of years. We got to see if we can get a million dollar car. Just keep going it up. Hank, real quick, as a math anomaly person, how long would it take for the car to be worth $3 million?

If you sold it every two years for a 100% profit. Every two years? Yeah. 90 years. 90 years? I think it'd be more than that. I think it'd be way less than that. 90 years for a $2 profit or two?

No, double. Double, double, double. I think it would be. Every two years, so 45 times? My guess off the top of my head is 20 years. One, two, three, four. This is a terrible podcasting. Someone talk five.

Six, seven, eight, nine, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17. He's just doing times two, four, seven, eight, 10. 19 years? 19. So 38. Yeah, so 40 years. That's what I meant. I meant 20 times.

I'm bad at math. Really bad at math. Were you ever thinking about maybe selling it to him for like $5,000? No. I would have been so mad. I would have been so mad. He was like a mid-nice profit.

All right, Max, you ruin everything. Yeah, I'm a bad guy. Incredible game, though. These were phenomenal. Two incredible Sweet 16 games, instant classics. Villanova's still in the NIT, though. Nope, no. Damn.

Villanova's. Shout out, Wisconsin, the last Big 10 team playing basketball. Yeah, that did happen. OK, I just want to say I tweeted an unreleased Super Bowl picture, too. Oh, no, look. It's not the bad one. Is it a Super Bowl picture?

Yeah, I just look really fat. Just a lot. I had to do a live look at UCLA. Are you going to ever put the vomit picture out? That's a bad one. Yes, eventually. How many more do you have? There's a few.

Hey, save the puke one for the 76. I think you have some of the good ones. I've got some really good ones, too. Well, yeah, I don't think they'll make it past the summer. I don't know where these pictures. It's like, yeah, it's burning a hole in your pocket right now. And if you're looking at the picture, the shirt on his lap is full of puke.

I just know that. I still wear that shirt, by the way. Oh, my God. I've washed it. Bad guy. No, I like that shirt. But you let the puke, like, marinate for like five days and then washed it?

No. Oh, that's the morning after in the lobby. Oh, man. All right, let's go to our interview with Ari Shafir, hilarious comedian. And we have a great conversation with him. So let's do that. Before we get to Ari Shafir, a quick word

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We're also brought to you by our friends at Chili's, my favorite restaurant in the entire world. Only at Chili's will Just 10.99 get you a bottomless drink, a starter like bottomless chips and salsa, a full-size entree like the classic old-timer with cheese and a big old side of fries with the Chili's Three For Me deal. I'm telling you, it's a feast.

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Ooh. All right, we now welcome on. Very special guest is Ari Shafir. He has a show on Friday, 324 Beacon Theater. Go check it out. He's headlining the Beacon Theater. You also can find him online. He's got podcast Skeptic Tank.

He's on Joe Rogan all the time. You're doing standup everywhere. You are the man, what's up? Thanks, bud. It's great to be here. It's great to finally meet you guys. Yeah. We're having a debate before we started,

whether we can fart on command. I think you can. You give me a five-minute window, I'll fart for you. All right, so then just do it at some point. I'll fart during this interview. You have to guess when it is. It might be suck. I mean, I assume it'll be when I hear a fart sound.

So wait, is this, so it's good to have you on. Thank you. I'm sorry I was never in the NFL. No, it's okay, but you are one of, we love to have comedians on, especially comedians that also like sports, and you are, you check that box. I do love sports.

I was a practice player for the Maryland basketball team. Really? Maryland women's basketball team. Okay, I was gonna say. I was like, what, are you going up against Juan Dixon? Like what's, somebody, you played golf in college, right? I did play golf in college. I was, I think the worst athlete in all of college at year.

I shot a 143 in competition. Okay. That's awesome. It was a small school. It's pretty much if you got clubs, you can be on the team. 143. Yeah, both coaches were laughing at me. Was that the first time you'd played golf? No, I've played before.

It was just not, it was not good. And the pressure got, I'm like a 120. Okay, yeah, with that pressure. You're talking to 120s in this room. No, that's good. I'm 146, so I aspire to be where you're at, but did they, did they have cuts or was it just, because to me that sounds like a hell of a deal.

You show up and you're like, I'm a Maryland golfer and you get free greens fees. No, that was at Yeshiva University my first year. Okay. I went to a different school near here. Okay. We didn't have a course, Maryland had a course, 17 bucks, it was great.

Yeah, I mean, I've said it before, but you can shoot whatever you want in golf. You just fill it out. Like I went to Shinnecock where they played the U.S. Open and I filled out a 72 and everyone was like, holy shit, I didn't know you were that good. And I was like, yeah, that's, yeah, dude, shot a 72. You figured it out.

Yeah, it's like, I don't know why everyone stresses about their golf game when you can just, whatever score you want. Yeah, they always come down to people like, you signed an incorrect scorecard, you know, like, no, I didn't. Yeah, well, yeah, I did. I made up every hole.

So yeah, I absolutely did. I stand by it. Yeah. But so the Beacon Theater headlining on Friday, is this like a career check mark for you? Yeah, for sure. This is for a while. It's a big homecoming show.

I got, I got special guests coming out. I don't know. It's like, I'm excited. Yeah. It's a massive fucking room. Yeah. I don't mean to curse on this podcast. No, you can say whatever you want.

I appreciate you guys. I don't mean to, oh. You can say whatever you want. Fuck, shit, fuck, cunt, jizz. How's that far coming? Oh shit, I forgot about it actually. I'll start marinating right now. I read online, this might be something fake

that somebody just wrote about you. So you can correct me if I'm wrong. That you're the Lakers number one hater. That is true. Yeah. Fuck the Lakers, dude. Fuck the Lakers. I've never liked the Lakers.

Is it personal? Yeah, it's personal. I used to live in LA. Every time they had fucking playoff games, no one would come out. Could be up three nothing in the first round as a one seed and people were like, wow, they're such fucking bandwagon fans.

Fuck all of them. And I would imagine it's gotten a little more personal after the Kobe Tweet. No, I dominated that city. They can't think of their fucking hero without thinking of me. That's true. Fuck LA, fuck the Lakers, fuck all of you.

Or do you get upset when people are like, oh, wasn't there a Kobe Tweet guy and don't actually remember your name? Because I bet you there's a lot of people like that. Like, who was that Kobe Tweet guy? Who was that guy? I'm like, I know, right? It's respectful.

Yeah, how could you do that? Yeah, that was a while. I mean, I do appreciate that you will say a lot of shit that a lot of people won't say. And that sense of humor, especially now, really plays because you're making jokes and you're making statements and you'll stand by them. Dude, it's so funny.

You see everyone bow down to this like, the worry about like, not fitting in now. Yeah. I think it's comedy got popular, everybody. And then all you gotta do is stay in the pocket and still just fucking light people up. Yeah. I was like, what the fuck was that?

Right, like you must feel like you have a superpower at some times. Exactly. Because you know, just like, yeah, I'll fucking make a joke about this. Yeah. And everyone's like, no, you can't do that. Shane Gillis says that he's my downstitching friend and he says it the best.

He goes, you get three, four comics in a row with a comedy seller going like, you know, injustice is terrible, you know. And then all you gotta do is come on and go, injustice rules. And everyone like knows you're joking and then they're having a good time. Yeah, right.

The videos that you would do, the amazing racist stuff was very, very funny. And there was an element of that, but also I did a lot of people like watch those videos and they were just like, laugh at the racist jokes and not realize that like, Oh yeah, dude. You were making fun of that stereotype as well.

Yeah. For all the people who got mad at me thinking I was like completely serious. Yeah. You'd have some people being happy because I thought I was serious. Yeah. You're like, finally someone's saying it.

You got the balls to say it, man. Thank you. Appreciate it. Yeah, I was like, me and my buddies were in Vegas for the March Madness. We would go for like opening round. Yeah. Just gamble on everything, women's included.

Like always bet on Colgate to cover the 44 point spread. Yeah. And some guys came up to me and was like, I like what you did to those N words. And I'm like, damn dude, but they use the word. I was like, no, fuck dude, no. You didn't get the joke. Yeah. I was like, oh my God.

Yeah. I mean, we're obviously big sports fans. What's your guys' sport? Football. All of them. Football, football is mostly a football podcast. But yeah, I love March Madness. I mean, I love to gamble.

So I, March Madness is the absolute best. It's great. Anyone could win. Yeah. A pool anyone could win. Yeah. We had a chick in my high school who won because it was a long time.

It was when UNLV was undefeated, headed into the tournament. It was like 90, I don't know, two-ish. Yeah, Larry Johnson. Yeah. They kind of threw that game. I think they threw it to make it close. And then Duke was like close enough to like win.

Yeah. But anyway, we picked whoever picked the round that UNLV lost in, got an extra like 30 points. And her dog's name was Duke. So she just picked that one. And we're like, should we even tell her? Does she even know? It is the best.

It's also the perfect, I was thinking about it. Why like everyone in America, like his college basketball has probably waned a little bit in popularity, regular season. The one and done's make it terrible. Yeah. And every time you start talking about it, you sound like your dad, where you're like,

these fucking kids don't stay for four years anymore. But stop calling traveling. Yeah. I'm out. The bracket is the perfect tournament. And the way it leads up to it, where everyone has a conference tournament, it's like, it's what every other sport should aspire to be,

where it's like, yeah, maybe it's not the best team overall, but like chaos happens. And if you get hot for six games, you win the tournament. That's all you gotta do is bring it together at the end. Yeah. And also they show you four versus 12, 13, 13. Yeah, four versus 13, yeah.

Yeah, and they show you right there. So if you have no idea, you're like, I think the four. Yeah, it's also, four probably should be better. It's also just this, just having one of these in your hands. The printed out bracket, the entire page is covered two sides of a bracket. You can get behind that if you, even if you don't care about sports,

even if you're like a math person. Yeah. Like there's a bunch of numbers on here. The only better thing than that is the Super Bowl box pool. Yes. Where literally there's no knowledge involved in any way. I also, for that, my barber shop in Brooklyn, I've probably lost, I don't know,

like three grand the last seven years. I just give it to him and I never actually get, like, because I'll go get my haircut like a month later. I'll get a haircut like right before the Super Bowl. And I probably have won it. Yeah, you don't know that. And he just doesn't tell me, yeah. He's like, yeah, I never check in on what the numbers are.

He's just, he knows that every person who sits in the chair, he can be like, oh, you want, you want a box? Yeah, of course they do. Yeah. Yeah, they're not going to come back and be like, where's, what's my box? Kind of upload that shit to the internet. It's always, it's always fun to go to a sporting,

like any sporting event and you play the 50-50 raffle, but then you leave before the raffle. So you're just basically like giving them. Zero, zero, one hundred. Here's $200. And then I'm going to leave and I'm just going to trust that I didn't win. Yeah.

I mean, how much different is that than bet DSI? Yeah, yeah. You're just pretty much giving them away your money. I mean, I'm 50, if I win the 50-50 raffle, I'll be even on my life for the 50-50 raffle. That's how bad I've, I just love playing it. I'm just like, yeah, give me more tickets. Give me more.

I went to a Toledo football game this year and I must have had half the tickets because I spent like $1,000 on tickets and I still wasn't even like, no, I wasn't even like three numbers close. So I think that shit's right. Someone's got to do the math on that and figure how much would it cost to buy all the tickets

and then you at least get 50% of your money back. Yeah. Great investment. Great investment. Do we know how many is to how many pools you have to fill out to ensure that you will win? Oh, like iterations and shit? Yeah, of the NCAA.

Oh yeah, because every year Warren Buffett's like, I'll give a million dollars to anybody that gets a perfect bracket, right? Yeah. That's also bullshit. He should give a billion. Yeah. A million is nothing.

Well, that's what he's giving his kids, right? Yeah. Well, a million? I'd be so mad if I was Warren Buffett's kids. Or Bill Gates' kids. Because Warren Buffett's like, I'm going to give away all my money because I want to raise human beings

that'll have to fend for themselves. I love that idea though. Those kids are already ruined though. Right. Right. You think they're normal now and hard workers? Right. Definitely not.

But I'm okay with it if it's somebody else that's not getting the money. But if it was me, I'd be like, Dad, that's fucked up. You're the world's richest human. I'm not getting anything. That's a dead dad. That's our household.

That dad is not making it to the will. Yeah, kill him before he signs his will where you get no money. Yeah. It's like you've just made a meet, give, have no choice. Yeah. Right, right.

You signed your own destiny. Yeah. Can you look up and see how many iterations it would take to pull a perfect bracket together? Yeah, I have it here. Do you love using the word iterations? All right, here we go. It's a good word.

It's a good word, yeah. One in 9 quintillion, 223 quadrillion, 372 trillion, 36 billion, 854 million, 775,808. Well, that's not a real number. Anything over like 100, I stopped counting. Yeah, I thought if it was 100, 130. I thought it was like, yeah, I just got to feel,

I got to like two hours of bracket filling out, I would get it. Those first two numbers, I didn't even, I don't even recognize it. Quint, quadrillion? Quadrillion. Quintillion and then quadrillion and then trillion, billion, million.

Okay, well here's how you cut it in half. You just don't do any of the ones that have a nine through 16 seed winning at all. Yeah. Yeah, that's one in one. That would make it 1.2 billion if you know a little something about basketball. What was Villanova when that one year?

There were eight, right? Yeah. Yeah, nine below. And then maybe just like have it be a one or two winning. Now we're just filling out a regular bracket. Yeah, actually maybe I like Kansas a little bit more. Get rid of Virginia. We just, we tricked ourselves into filling out

our actual opinions. UVA's out, so now we're down to probably like two quintrillion. Why'd UVA out? Because it's just because they suck. Yeah, they suck. They're just not very good this year. Yeah. You're a big Yankees fan too, right?

Love the Yankees, this is, it was... They're, I mean, they're kind of a joke now. It's just like, it's just, I can't do it every year with the emotion. Yeah. It's just like they should go. And then the one year that was definitely our year, we're saying it all fucking year.

And then like we got robbed on a fucking cheating scandal. Is it still like on site with the Astros for you guys? Fuck the Astros dude. You know one of the greatest moments in podcast history was I think Rob Lowe on Rogan's podcast wearing a Houston asterix hat. Yeah, yeah. No mention of it.

Rogan didn't even know what it meant. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I saw it, it must have been like, I think it was right before he went on Rogan. I saw him at the Super Bowl. And I was like, Rob, that's fucked up that you're wearing that hat. And he was like, cause I thought it was an Astros hat.

I was like, dude, that's fucked up. You can't support that in our beloved sport. And he takes it off, he shows it to me and he goes, I made this myself. He made it himself. Wow. Wow. Dude, I was at the year we're two before

with the Yankees poppers. We went to Houston Yankees. I think we were down like four runs in the seventh and came back, it was wild. The place was going nuts. But before, we were still down there with these Astros fans all around us. And they were like, let's go Astros,

which is bullshit to do in the Yankee stadium and when you're up four runs. That's fucking bullshit. But is it soft? The Yankees aren't what they used to be. Like those guys should get punched. He started a Hurricane Harvey chant. Oh, okay, all right, that's more than a punch.

They were like, come on, my grandmother lost her home. And we just got louder and louder. Rallying the troops. Do you count the ranks for people? If they come at you, you're like, well, historically, we're a better franchise. Nah, I don't like that stuff. What about pinstripes?

I love the pinstripe debate. It's, what do you mean? Like, who earned their pinstripes? It's my favorite debate. What do you mean, who earned it? Like, did A-Rod earn his pinstripes? Oh, no. Really, not even for 2009?

No, he got all his numbers, all his stats came in like blowout games. You can do this with everyone. Like, the pinstripe debate is the best. Yeah. It's basically how they took A-Rod right back. Yeah, they did. They won't talk to Sammy Sosa or Mark McClellan or Bonds.

No, Sammy Sosa's not even allowed to be there. A-Rod's got a great publicist. That's the difference. Yeah. What about John Carlo? Does he have his pinstripes? No, he plays shitty. He never lived up to it.

He never lived up to that contract. See, this is a fun to do. What about Judge? Judge got it. Yes, he's like, but what does Judge want? And then he always wants to go on. He's a leader of the team. He's great.

Who's the bald white guy? Fuck. Me? Yeah. Breck Gardner. Breck Gardner. Everyone's like Breck Gardner's pinstripes. That's just because he hustles.

He plays in the right way. Yeah, he's like an out of shape. Can't really do it, but he plays hard. Yeah, he's like, yeah, definitely pinstripes. He earned them today. Yeah. I hit 10 on runs this year. Man, he's a Yankee through and through.

What about Jobah? Did Jobah ever earn the pinstripes? Oh, yeah, because he was so fat. You know, he was eating the tag, keeping like little Italy in business. He was. And the mid-game against Cleveland, when his face was just covered in bugs.

Yeah. Dude, Yankees rule. What a great, you know, we do every year, we get a weekday game, we get like $10 bleachers seats, and then we just head up there with like 15 comics. And if we're near kids, we just move where it's open. That's awesome.

Because we're gonna scream horrible things. Yeah. Do you hate the Mets or are they just kind of like the annoying little brother? Never mind the Mets. That's how I went to the Metrodome Stadium, whatever the fuck they call it, and tried to take my shirt off,

like a gentleman in the summer, and these dumb fuck Nazis told me how to put my shirt on. How long has it been a rule? That's crazy. That's crazy. If you go to a daytime baseball game, you should take your shirt off. You should not have a shirt off.

What the fuck, dude? That's crazy. The Mets are. Then I went to a Wrigley, I was sat in the fucking bleachers. I was like, can I take my shirt off? I don't understand the question. Yeah, yeah.

No, you can take everything off. Yeah, you can take everything off. You can. There are no rules in there. The only rule is no fighting. Who do you guys like for baseball? Cubs. So yeah, I've seen tickets to the Cubs.

Yeah, and I did. Like, I don't know. Our schedules are crazy now, but before we all moved to New York, I had seen tickets for the Cubs and I went, there was one season where I went to like, 65 games and it was ruled. Because it was like,

because they play a lot of day games and there's something about, like baseball is a very hard sport to follow 162 and the ebbs and flows. But when you go to like, if you go to like a home stand and you're like at six out of seven games, you get such a feel for like what's going on with the team

and it's so much fun. I love when you show up to a game and somebody booze like a home, home player. Yeah. And you're just like, you got to look at the stats like, is he not been here? Yeah, you're like, do you see last night?

Yeah. Yeah. Did you start to recognize the people around you? Oh yeah. Oh yeah. It becomes, yeah, because the bleachers, it's general mission. So, and there's people who like have their specific spots.

But yeah, it's, there's nothing better than like a day baseball game because you're like stealing time. It's the best. Yeah. It's just like, and now they probably hit me up all the time and email me like, hey, can we get you in for season tickets?

The Yankees? Yeah. I'm like, dude, I just bought one fucking game. Relax. Relax. That's got to be so expensive to get Yankee season tickets, right? Yeah, forget it.

Yeah. I'm like, guys, I'll go when it's a nice day. Right. I'm going to look at the weather. I'm not going in April. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

We do day games. There's one a month per team. That's when you want to show up. Nobody's there. Yeah. See, that's the, you should go to, I mean, Wrigley Cubs play it every Friday afternoon, which is the best.

That's the absolute best because that is truly, your time traveling. You get to the game, you go to the bar at like 11, you're drunk, you go to the game, you get more drunk, you get out of the game, and you, it's like a passing of the ships. All these people getting off the train from work,

you know, like I've been drunk for seven hours. This rules, like all these people with their, with their, you know, slacks on in their briefcase. Yeah. They're just like, yeah, I've been cheating the whole system. That's great. Yeah.

And also everyone gets out. It was like, it's Wrigleyville, right? Yeah. Right there with all the bars. Yes, yeah. It's like, it's the game's not open. Yeah, right. Fun's not over.

Right, keep going. They were the last team to get, to get lights set up, right? Yeah. 1988. 1988. I kind of remember that. It was a rain out.

It was 8888. And then that got rained out. So the official one was 8988. See, I think that, I think baseball is meant to be played in the daytime. I think so too. I think in October, you can play it at night. Like the World Series games,

I'm down for night games then, but baseball is so much more enjoyable as a fan. Yeah. To watch it during the day, but unfortunately people have jobs so they can't watch baseball all day. They didn't have a recession? Shouldn't we go back to it now?

You should. Another one has jobs? Yeah. That one's working remote. Yeah. I mean, daytime baseball, it's perfect. It's, you know, you can get a little nap in the fourth inning, wake up in time for the sevens.

Pass out drunk a little bit. Still get, still go to dinner? There's nothing worse though than, so Big Cat's a Cubs fan. I'm a Nats fan. Our teams are gonna suck this year. They're gonna be really, really bad. And so knowing that I have to sit through 160 games

of just dog shit before the season starts, there's like no chance that my team's gonna be good at all. But you're all allowed to start. You'll still be within five games after two weeks. There's always that one team that goes like 10 and two and then ends up losing 100 games. Yeah.

I remember that. But it's so depressing to know that for the next like eight months, I'll be rooting for player development. For like a first year call up to be like, oh, that guy's performing a little bit better than I thought that he would. Yeah.

That's the highlight of my season. You just gotta go to another sport. Yeah. Yeah. You mentioned going to a game with a bunch of comedians. What, I'm fascinated by like the comedian like world and what, is there like a lot of infighting and clicks and everything?

Is it? I mean, that's a very dumb question. So much dude. They're the pettiest people in the world. Yeah. Are you able to stay out of it or is it, or you do find yourself? I've been drawing it a few times,

but then you try not to. Yeah. What are the, what are like the beefs usually over? Chicks. Yeah. That's a lot of it. Actually, no, that, we should get back to that. That one I can understand.

Right. It's, it's, it's less like, it's less fair. I don't know. It's less not fair. What's the word? It's, it's more lame when it's over like someone's success. It's way more lame and that'll happen sometimes. Yeah.

During the pandemic. It was like, oh, you're touring. Fuck you. Oh yeah. Um, yeah, it's over chicks. That's fine. I get that. Yeah, that makes sense.

That's every, every, every guy. You fuck that guy's ex. He's going to punch you. Yeah. We haven't had a good joke stealing controversy in a while, right? That kind of went away. We need some of those.

Well, it's hard to pull off now. I mean, Mencia was like, we should probably should give him respect. He was the last goat of jokes stealing. He really was. He really was. He got it right at the end. It's system changed around on him to just be like,

yeah, I'm taking everyone's shit. He would go after specific. Like he was like, he was like, I'm going after big cat. He's got a big head now. Let me go look at his act, find one of his favorite jokes and steal from him specifically. Like it's like a cover band for comedy. Yeah.

And I like, I know that you probably have different view on it because it like, if you're in the game, someone's stealing jokes is the worst thing you can do. Yeah. From afar, then now there's time pass. Carl Spence, props to you, dude. Yeah, you got it. Like I can't believe you actually, you're a scumbag,

but you did it. It's funny people would be like, how would you feel if someone stole someone's car? You're like, oh, if I can get a cheap car, I'm fine. I don't work in the automotive industry, so that doesn't bother me. Yeah. I don't think anyone else should be involved in this.

He took it all the way to Comedy Central. Like he got his own special based on stealing other people's jokes. That is impressive to be able to pull that off. Like, how dumb are the people that work at Comedy Central that didn't know that about him? Like, you don't have to be in comedy, I guess, to work there.

Yeah, that's true. That hurts you a lot. Yeah, Carl Spencey, it took him down. Dude, he had, he had at some point, there was like the mind of him at sea and had like a few clips up and three of the four clips were my buddy Freddy Soto's. Really?

What the fuck? Yeah, he's dead now, so everybody wins. Yeah. So wait, when you, like, were you part of the comedians that called him out and like, because how did it all kind of shift? It's all way, way old, just for the record. Right, right.

That's why I say it ruled. Like, in the moment, it was not, it was like this guy fucking sucks. It was the greatest night in like comedy in years. I, it was, Rogan was going after him and they were on stage. My friend Nick Yusuf called me and he was like, what's going on?

Or I texted him, I was like, they're, he's like, I'm coming. He came all the way from Los Feliz. It took him like 30 minutes and it was still going. He's like, I'm getting in my car right now. Keep me on speakerphone. Like he, everybody wanted to hear it. Wait, so Rogan-

Like young women comics are like all dainty and quiet. They were like, they were screaming for blood. So Rogan went up and Mincia was there or? Rogan had finished, this is so old. This is so done, by the way. Yeah, yeah. No one reached out to anybody in this, but Rogan had finished, brought up a comic who wrote for,

and he said this guy writes for Mind of Menstealia. It was like a nickname. And then Carlos was there and he was like, oh, you won't say that shit to my face. And Joe was like, yes, I will, I just didn't know you in the room. Yeah, yeah. This is why George Lopez accused him of plagiarizing

13 minutes of his material. That's such a specific number. I know. Yeah, he timed it, he has stopwatch. It also like, I think if I were George Lopez, I'd be a little, like I'd be mad, but then there'd also be that feeling of, why'd you stop at that joke?

Did you not think the next one was funny? Yeah. Like what the fuck Carlos? When you get a joke stolen, when you're like a young comic, there is a part of you that's like, kind of, it's kind of an honor. Yeah, you think I'm funnier than you? I wrote a steel-able joke.

Right. Finally, I'm getting good. Right. Yeah, exactly. Right, if you have no joke stolen, you're like, yeah, it's like those Catholic kids who don't get raped. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What am I, chopped liver?

Yeah, you see how smooth my butt is? I gotta start working out more. Come on. Yeah. We're gonna get back to Ari Shafir in a second before we do is brought to you by Zipper Cruder. It's March. It's a huge month for basketball.

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was actually on the radio. There was a radio station in Austin that used to just do like two minute clips of stand-up comedy, back to back to back to back. I thought that was the most brilliant format for a radio station of all time. I love that station. They're out of business now, I think.

I think they're gone, but it was just bangers only. And it introduced me to so many new comics. They need to bring that back. They need to bring it back. And it was also they let somebody curate so they'd have me in and be like, pick six comics, we'll find clips from them. Yeah.

And so like, who do you think's funny? And you just like pick a mixture of high and low levels and they'd find them and then like, they'd play that. It's a great idea. Yeah. Who are you watching, listening to now? Who are your favorite comics? I mean, it's the mixture of the old and the young.

Segura's always great. Adrian Appaluchee, this is a comic in New York. She's the darkest, funniest chicken in the world. She's great. Shangillis. Norm, I don't know, so many. Ney Park Gats is great, but he's a Christian, so it's tough.

He doesn't swear. He doesn't swear. Yeah. He's really tough. Yeah. He doesn't swear at all. He is very funny. Loves the Lord.

Yeah. Yeah. He's like, oh, God. Yeah, you were raised very religious then you're not no God anymore. I went hard the other way. Yeah. I feel like that happens.

It does. If you get too deep into it. Yeah, you're just like, wait. You just can't be part of it. I woke up and I was like, what the fuck is going on? Yeah, it's way better now. You realize how few blowjobs you're allowed as an Orthodox dude.

And it's pretty much no brain. I feel like, honestly, if you get to heaven and God's like, what the fuck? How come you didn't do this? And you'd be like, God, let me introduce you to one fucking slut who I know, O.D., she's up here. Let me show you how deep she can get your top down with her throat and get that back spit.

And then he'd be like, oh, I get it. Come on, you're welcome here. Yeah, I mean, God created blowjobs, right? God did create blowjobs. No one came up with that. No, that came straight from the Lord. So I don't know how you can be against it. Yeah, who came up with the BJs?

The first blowjob? Yeah, it must have been the greatest thing ever. All right, just like, watch this. The dude must have been terrified at first. That's not what you're gonna eat my dick. Yeah, you're eating my dick. What the fuck? Yeah.

And then he's like, wait. Dude, the first time this chick from my club, she was so in love with her and I was a virgin and I just heard the term eating a girl out and I didn't know, I didn't know. And I finally was hooked up with her and I went down there and I just took a bite out of her puss. I had no idea.

I looked at it for a second and I was like, I guess this is it. Yeah, just gotta just take a big chompy. Yeah, I mean, it wasn't like the molars, but like it was the fronts for sure. She's like, what the fuck? Did you swallow? I didn't Tyson it. Nothing came out.

Yeah, I mean, so I do, I love that you put on other comedians because you've said before that, you know, Rogan was the bump that you needed to get to where you're at. And I, that part, I hate when people get really successful and they just kind of ignore like the luck or the bounces they get because everyone needs one. Everybody needs and any industry. Everybody, when they get out of college,

I want to do this by myself. And it's like, no, you need your dad's friend to like tell the HR at the company you're applying to. Yeah. To look out for this resume. That's every industry. Right. No one does that bounce.

So in Rogan, Rogan was that bounce for you, right? Yeah. Yeah, he really put me over. I mean, he'd bring me on the road when I was just like a struggling nothing company and they exposed me like real crowds and I could pause. It was no like, there was no like worry that the crowds gonna fucking leave.

Right. Like they were in the original room of the comedy store. Yeah, it was great. So yeah, the only way I can pay them back is by, you know, paying people well and taking people on the road and putting people over. Doing the same thing. Yeah, I try to put on my Instagram

and try to put like funny comics, especially younger comics. Yeah, that's awesome. Cause that's how you find them. I mean, like that's. Yeah. If you see anyone on my page, it's like I approve of this guy. Right.

Right. It's also if you, if you put somebody on someone younger than you, then as that person gets bigger and older, that's like a new audience that you could also be involved in too. It's good. It's just good karma. I'll be canceled every two years.

So I will need these young guys to take me on the road. How long has it been since people got mad at you for something? Like really mad. Let's see. Are we due for another one soon? We're due for another one. Yeah. Do you want to do it right now?

Oh yeah. You can't really try. Let's see through it. It's really got to be like, every time it's happened to me, I'm like, wait, what? Well, yeah, like I don't know what are you talking about? I do, I do have to thank you though, because your Kobe Tweet did take some heat off of me

in the moment. Really? What'd you do? So maybe the worst luck of all time. I started doing it because the night. You were on that helicopter. I was not on the helicopter. The night before LeBron passed Kobe in all time points.

Yeah. And I started just doing a bit that LeBron is the best Laker of all time. And I had like my top fives and Kobe wasn't on it. Kobe's the sixth best. Yeah, it was like Nick Van Exel. It was like Shaq. So all these like me.

Shaq for sure. Will Chamberlain, Kareem, Magic. I'll give Worthy. Yeah. And then LeBron. And LeBron. And then Nick Van Exel. I was doing all these sweets just like thrashing Kobe.

And then he died 12 hours later. And everyone just went to the tweets and was like, you piece of shit. It's like, dude, I was doing this last night. And then you came over the top. And I was like, that guy, that's the one. Yeah, it took some heat off of me. Yeah, the context people do not love to see.

Yeah. No, they just jumped to whatever. Basically on Twitter, if you feel any emotion. If you feel it all. If you feel it all, it's like you feel that emotion for a second. Then you go immediately to anger. And you're like, let's find the guy.

That's it. It's all these sleuths who were like, dude, I got doxxed on my old phone number. So there's some guy with an L.A. number who's probably a Laker fan. Just got tons of death threats. She's like, fuck you, disrespected Kobe. He's like, I like Kobe, fuck you.

I feel like the death threats you don't actually have to worry about. Nobody that's actually going to kill you is going to threaten you beforehand. No, and also Laker fans are pussy. So that's another thing to think. But it's crazy, like the DeMar Hamlin thing, it was everyone was like, oh my god, this is a tragedy.

And then five minutes later, it's like, fucking, let's get Skip Bayless. Yeah, you didn't react right. You didn't say this right. Right, exactly. It's like, wait, why can't we just all just feel the emotion instead of just being instantly anger and going for whoever we find?

Have a take. And if it's not exactly like everybody else's, you have any sort of artistic license or integrity or have an opinion, they're like, we don't like that. Get rid of them. It's all 1984. If you dress up different shoes, like get rid of them, you can spy.

Yeah, prayers for DeMar, though. Yeah, prayers for DeMar. We just want to make sure that's set. I had the minus three, so I covered that day because I ended the game, so I was fine. Yeah, oh man, Bengals fans got so mad in the aftermath, too. Because they're like, we're going to win that game. We're at 7-3, we're driving.

We're going to be 14-3 in 30 seconds. Then DeMar went down. What a faker, too. He's fine. Oh, do you see him? He was raising his hands above his head in the box. You can't do that if you have cracked ribs. They made rules on it where you can't fake an injury

with under two minutes. You got a 10-second runoff. Yeah, right. That's what he did. He knew that he knew. They were going up tempo. You know, he didn't want to fight. He was smart.

He didn't want to waste the time out, but he had to change the momentum. There is going to be a coach. DeMar, DeMar, the game hamlet. They're going to tell you instead of the hamstring, just pretend that you have a cardio cordus or whatever. They just pass out on the field, and then nobody's going to accuse you of faking that one.

Yeah. Dude, I loved it too, as soon as people. You just everybody politically weighed in. It's like, it's the vaccine. Yeah. That happened in zero seconds. I can see it in a mile away. It's happening.

Like, wait, it's one heart attack in 50 years of the NFL. And you're like, it's the vaccine. Yeah. It happened. Everything we read online is true. Yep. That's immediately, immediately. Yeah.

By the way, that's what John Moran should have done. Yeah. Fake a heart attack. Or he should have just been like, the vaccine made me horny. This is what's great. He's in a counseling program. It's so fake. Being addicted to a gun.

It's so fake. Dude, how old is he? 25? Yeah. 23, 24. We're 23-year-old. If you show him a gun, he's like, cool. Yeah.

Yeah. It's so fucking dumb, this whole thing, this counseling. It's just a phony thing to appease the fans. Yeah. You remember when Riley Cooper, that video of him, came out yelling the N-word back in 2013? Oh, yeah. And the Eagles were like.

Also one of the goats, one of the last ones. Yeah. One of the last openly racist. Yeah. And then they sent him away. And he went to counseling. Counseling. Or like being racist.

I don't know. I don't know what kind of program. He came back two weeks later. He's like, I'm cured. I'm cured. I met a black guy. Turns out they're cool. Yeah.

It would be funny if John Morant is like doing, like, war check, or however you say that test, where it's like, do you see a gun in here? It's like having to get him so he doesn't like guns anymore. Our take immediately was, I'm sure you saw the video, but like, if you're going to get suspended, it's got to be a bigger gun than that. Use it.

Yeah. Yeah. Or use it. Yeah, then you go even one further. Yeah. If John Morant was like, I was hunting the greatest game of all. Yeah.

I gave Ennis Canter a two-minute head start. Yeah. I'm concerned that he thought, OK. It's not enough to be in front of all these fans. I need to do this. Yeah. That's a dude that gets death threats a lot, too. Ennis Canter, yeah.

From the president of Turkey, which is wild. It's wild. He's a marked dude for assassination. Isn't there a theory, too, that he's a CIA operative? Yeah. Because he did his birthday party at the FBI? No, really. He took a picture.

He's like, yeah, greatest birthday ever. It was just him with blurred out faces at the FBI. Well, the school that he went to in Turkey has connections with American intelligence. Right. But it was funny, because I heard a clip of the Simmons show with Priscilla the other day. And Priscilla was like, I don't know.

I'm so conflicted about Ennis Canter, because politically, he says all these things that are objectively wrong, and I hate and I can't stand. But he also hates LeBron, which I like. It's a real 50-50. God, I wish the Lakers would miss the play-in. They're such an underachieving team. Oh, they're so bad.

And everyone's like, I'm going to be great with Westbrook. It's over now. And it's like, no. And we don't count. We don't count the bubble champions. No, that doesn't count. It's absolutely 100% does not count. You don't have to play any road games.

You have a team whose only weakness is that they're extremely fragile. And be like, well, don't do any of that. Yeah, just hang out in Disney World. Just rest until the playoffs, and then we'll go in. Yeah, and also the guy that's in charge of scheduling all the games is your captain LeBron James. LeBron is controlling everything inside this bubble.

Yes. Oh, do you know what was so fun when he was like, fuck this racism? We're the NBA's over. Let's walk out. And then Giannis and all the other players are like, I'll see you, dude. We're going to play.

We're going to play the championship. See how this stops the racism. And then he was like, fine, we'll play. Yeah, I'm going to win. Yeah, human rights violations, but China's fine. Fuck LeBron. Fuck the Lakers. I like this anger.

I hate the Lakers so much. I love it. They haven't been good in so long. He died not seeing that team make the playoffs in years. Just so you guys know. He died thinking you guys were a loser city. This is going to piss some people off. I like that the, I mean, this show is built on,

like dumb sports fandom because we are dumb guys. And I've always like rooting for your team is obviously part of sports, but rooting against your enemies is probably bigger. Yeah, it really unlocked for me. I found a guy who was doing that. And I was like, yeah, especially when your team's not in it, you can just root against a fucking hated rival.

It's, it's the, I hate the Packers. I hate Aaron Rodgers and I, we had him on. I explained to him, I was like, you losing in the playoffs is my Super Bowl. Like I have 11 Super Bowls. You only have one. How did he react to that? He was, he was just like, all right, whatever.

He can't argue with statistics. Yeah, like I have more rings than you. Yeah. Cause like that's the best. I know I'm a loser. I know my team's losing. Yeah, the bears suck. I admit that part.

I, my hatred now is my fandom. Until they get good. It's great. You should make it. You should make a Jersey. Yeah. I was thinking about just raising a bunch of you had like banners just being like,

Packs lost 1997, Packs lost 1998. Yeah, right. Like there it is. 2001. Besides a year. Besides the Lakers, who else are you like that with? Really? That's my number one.

You spend all your energy in laser focused. Yeah. I mean, I will look, I'm a Pellows fan, but like before I look at how they did, I'll look at how the Lakers did it. Yeah. Your hatred for your Pelicans fan? Yeah.

From Charlotte to transfer to Woodard. You followed them. Yeah. Followed them. And Zion just won't play. He just won't play. He's not fragile. It's a different injury every time.

I know. But it's just like, what the fuck? We need you. I do think that like- The NBA rigged it to give us Zion. Yeah. I mean, well, yeah, they do that. All the, I mean, the NBA rigged the bulls getting Derek Rose.

That was a fact. Like, and I'm hoping they do the same thing. Like that's the best part of rooting for a team in the NBA maybe this year they rig it for us. Right. Yeah, they're like, ah, like I've talked myself in it, like maybe Victor Wimbanyana goes to the bulls because they, they're like,

hey, we need the bulls to be good again. Yeah. Who would they be most likely to give it to? I actually think it might be the bulls. I don't know. Probably the Knicks. Yeah, they want them back. But the Knicks are already good.

But the Knicks are already good. Yeah, they're gonna be, it's a lottery team. Like it's not, I mean, the Rockets maybe. Well, the Lakers. Yeah. Oh, God. I don't think they have their picks. Yeah, they don't.

They don't have like any picks. That's good. Because of the collusion. Yeah. GM LeBron traded them all wet. The collusion? Yeah. The collusion.

The collusion. Fuck that guy. By the way, did you want us in? I saw you eye it. Did you want one? No, let's just see what it was. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When I put one in, you were like.

Those got me, they got me wired. Yeah, the Sixes especially. Hey, how's that fart coming though? Oh, I farted five times already. I told you, you weren't gonna know. I have a question about, you are very open about your mushroom use. Yeah.

I'm starting to microdose. Do you microdose every day? I have some right now in my pocket. Really? Yeah. Do you microdose like every single day? Oh, fuck. No, I do not.

I go hard when I go hard. Oh, you go hard. I tried microdosing, it made me real dumb. Really? Yeah, real cloudy. It just makes me, it makes me happy. I gotta try it with acid. That's gross.

Should I stop microdosing anymore? No, cause I'm not good at this. I'll cut off little corners and stuff. Yeah. Yeah, now you're just doing drugs. So you're doing it every day? No, I've just started it. It's every few days, but yeah.

How much do you take? Whatever. It's like, I don't know. It's very little. I gave Big Cat a bottle full of them. I was doing it a few weeks ago too. They're these capsules, and so you just take one. How much is in a capsule?

I have just one capsule. I can give them for you, yeah. No, I just want to know how much you're taking for microdose. It's very little. Everybody should take it. Yeah, no, I love mushrooms too. It's the best.

We went to Denver and we did a meet and greet with our fans, and we just got handed so many drugs. It was insane. That's the best, dude. That's the best thing. Then, Pussy's number one. Number two is free drugs. Yeah.

It's a fandom. If people like here, you should take this. Either like here, how's these mushrooms? It's like, and it was like. They're hard to find. Yeah. Mushrooms, it's not like weed where you can just get it. Right.

You're like, I appreciate it, but. Yeah, like people handing you weed, it's like, all right, you just went next door. Mushrooms and acid, it's the only thing I'll take home. If people give me weed, I'll be like, I'll smoke it here in Indianapolis, but I'm not gonna transport this. Yeah, can you fly?

A good bag of mushrooms, it's like, we're risking it. Can you fly with mushrooms? I mean, physically. Do they have like mushrooms sniffing bugs? I don't think that they train them for suicide, right? Probably not. Let's hope not. Let's hope not.

Dude, I gotta roll up newspapers my first time getting some in Indianapolis. I was like, Ari, here's this newspaper today for you. And it was just like, and I'm like, oh, you just open it up for the staff. Like, what's this? It's fun time. Yeah.

Do you, you never. They're the best. Do you take mushrooms and go on stage? I have before. How does that go? Bad. I was gonna say, I don't think it would go well. Yeah.

You're just laughing at your own jokes. Yeah, and you focus on the wrong things. You'll see, you immediately like, how long have I been on? Fuck. Has it been like an hour? Shit. And then you realize like, I'm supposed to keep talking or you'll focus on a light.

Like, is that light always in there? Is that about me? So it's fun for you and no one else. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Like jazz music and improv. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, it is fun, but no, don't.

Also, people do it at comedy shows. I like, at fans, like, I'll take mushrooms. It's the worst place to be. Yeah. You don't want to be in a chair locked into a fucking seat. Right. You'll be able to get up and move. You want to walk around.

Yeah. Absolutely. I took acid for the first time in Qatar at the World Cup. A sober game around like 70,000 other people. That might be the worst possible experience to take acid for the first time at. It was bad. It was bad.

I was just, and also I was on camera the entire time. So I, because we're doing it for content, we're making a video. Did you tell them you were on acid in Qatar? Oh, God, no, no. In retrospect, it's one of those things where it's like, I picked the worst possible time to do this particular drug. And, but I need to, I need to have another experience.

So in your, in your opinion, taking acid, if you're going to take it for the first time, what would the perfect environment be? Oh, good question. You want open space. So I'll take it like in a party and then I'll find myself on a golf course at like 2 a.m. Yeah.

I took it to UFC once. Oh, that must be. I had some buddies. It was great. You really? Me, Joey Diaz. We told Rogan we were doing it and he was like, sick. Yeah, there was no part of it.

Come on, dude. It was one time we had bad seats and he was like, where the fuck are you guys? And we were like, shut up. I was like, ah! Dude, I mean, I was crying. I was crying. And every time like, yeah,

when people were like coming to the octagon with like, you know, with like back music, walking music, I was just like, this is like the Colosseum. Yeah. We're all screaming for blood. What are we doing here? Yeah. Yeah.

At those moments, yeah. You're like, how did I get here? It's great. It's great when you get like a deep hunger and you get like a burrito or something. Take one bite. You're like, that's what I'm doing. Do you ever try to bring up other sports to Joe?

That was, I, he, Dave, our boss went on. Yeah. And he basically got trapped in like a three hour UFC. He went on Rogan? Yeah. Oh, fine. That's a good matchup. Yeah, but he got, he got trapped in like a three hour

UFC conversation. He likes UFC and billiards. Really? Billiards. And that's it. He knows deep pool history. That's crazy. Yeah.

How much history is there in pool? Like it's nine, or how many balls? 15 balls? Nine. Nine balls? Yeah. They don't know where he plays that other kind. Yeah.

As far as, yeah. Yeah. I don't know. He'll play for hours too. Really? You know, you go on the road and play some pools. Like, okay. And then like an hour later you're like,

let's get out of here though. I'm expecting not to go close. He has a glove he wears. What a fucking loser. What? He comes with his own little stupid gloves. So he gets that. Did he bring a stick?

Yes. Yeah. Yeah. That's actually, I kind of respect that. No, you respect that. The glove is like, fuck off. Anyone who shows up to like a bowling alley with a bowling ball, you're like, all right, this is more than a hobby.

Like you're ready to go. Yeah. No, he knows like a lot of the pros. I got fucking blasted drunk at a podcast once. And then like with Norman and Shane, and then they were like trying to pick me up. I mean, I was so drunk. I'm throwing up and they're like, let's go, let's go.

I'm like, guys, I'm fine here on the floor. Yeah. It's like if I got drunk and you all like, we have to go, no, no, I'm good. Anyway, woke up like two hours later and he's just in the other room playing pool with like these like high level professions. I'm like, are you gambling?

I don't even know what you're doing. I used to love the trick shot videos in pool. Those were all black widow. Yeah, the black widow was awesome. She rolled. She rolled. She was hot. Yeah, I've learned the hard way that you can't drink

with Shane because he's a tank. You can't drink with him. It's a mistake. He is an absolute tank. It's a mistake to try to keep up with him. I've done it before. Give it up. Give props to the fucking master.

He really is. You just can't. Yeah, we did a case race in it. I was like, yeah, I'm gonna. You're fucked, dude. And you think you can't. He's like, you saw it in his eye too. He's like, oh, they think that they can drink with me.

And sometimes you'll get him too drunk, but he's also got that spirit of like, you won't beat me though. It's called competitive. Right, right. So even if he's like, I would stop except I see you beer for beer. Right.

Yeah. He'll talk you into it too. So I was like, I was the day before I tried to keep up with him. And it was like, I'm gonna go beer for beer with you tomorrow. He's like, what? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I was coming off a month of sobriety and it's not my game. And it's his game. And I'm like, all right, well, I'll go every other beer. I go, so you're immediately pussing out? Like one second after you made your claim, you're gonna puss out? And I was like, whatever.

And then I cracked the first beer of the podcast and I just like eyeballed him from the side. And he was like, oh really? I kept up with him for 10. And then it was over. And then I smoked a joint. That's what ruined me. Yeah.

Do you go back and listen to those podcasts before you put them out? Or do you just trust in yourself and you're like, fuck it. We said what we said. We said what we said. Yeah. Dude, the deal is you're supposed to say whatever,

take some chances. Yeah. If a joke's not good, it's not good. You can't be worried. That's probably really freeing. Did you always have that in your head or was there a moment where you're like, you know what, I'm gonna say what I wanna say

and everyone knows that this is what I'm trying to do. And if it doesn't land, we go on to the next one. Yeah. I mean, that's early Twitter was like that. They told us like, throw at anything. Right. And if it's not funny, you just won't get retweeted. And if it is, you will.

Right. And then the rules changed around us. And we're like, hey, remember nine years ago, you did this. Right. It wasn't funny. Like, yeah, it wasn't funny. And we're like, wait, what?

It's nuts. But the best moments in comedy is when you take this deep chance. Right. And you hit it. And it was worth a bunch of failures. Yeah. One time I was doing this bit,

I mean, I was a young comic and it was late night in the original room of the store. And I was doing this bit about Jews with the original blacks in this country. Like we made all boxing, basketball, it was all the Syracuse Jews was a basketball team because we were poor immigrants. And the joke was we were the original Lennards.

And I would use the word. And this big jovial black guy was like, no, no, man, you got to do A-H at the end. You got to do, uh, at the end. And I was like, okay, so then it's okay. And he goes, yeah, as long as you use the A at the end, it's fine. And then I just did this deep joke,

like, he's fucking, I can't even do it now. But I'm like, he's fucking, and I would say it with the A, our fucking our women, they're taking our jobs and he was dying laughing. Yeah. And it was like, you gotta take a chance. Yeah.

It's the comedy when you, when someone says something that is that risk and you in your head, you're like, oh, shit, I never even thought of that. Yeah. And like, it unlocks something in your brain. And you might, you might, this could go really bad. And for every person that walks out angry in my show,

it's like 98% of the rest of the people are really loving it. That's, I mean, it's an awesome way to look at it. Yeah, I love it. If I don't get two people walking out every show, I've failed. Really? You got to have a couple of people like, fuck this guy. And also they get even madder when everyone else is laughing.

Right, yeah. So it's like, it's just, your line is different. It's confusing to be a person that would go to a comedy show and then get so mad at the comedy that they leave. Yeah, not just, it's not for me. Like if somebody does political humor, I don't follow any of that shit.

So I'm just like, I don't even know who that is. Right. I don't get it. But I'm not mad at it. I just don't get it. Right. You know? Or sports humor, not everybody likes it.

They don't get the reference. They don't get it. It's fine. But like, mad. You paid for joviality. Right. If you're leaving angry, it's nothing. So Adrian is what I love her so much.

The day after Parkland, one of the worst shootings. Oh man. Kid kids. Yeah. And it happened on, it happened on Ash Wednesday. And so this was Thursday night. So everyone's feeling it. And she goes, yeah, it was terrible.

Might as worse as all those kids had targets on their foreheads. Oh my God. And dude, it was like silence for like 30 seconds and then this eruption of release and laughter. Yeah. But most people would go, that's not worth the risk. Right.

And she's like, no, it is. Yeah. And it was the best joke of the year. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it is crazy to think about like those you want. I hope we never get to a spot where comedians stop doing that.

They do. But it just opens up the door for like real comics. Yeah. It's great. It must be like, is it the best time to be a comic? It's the best. Dude, you follow these fucking chuds. They do fucking nothing.

It's so easy. Yeah. Oh my God. Yeah, it's the best time to be a comic. First of all, it's popular. And second of all, yeah, we could kind of do whatever. I had a lady waiting for me outside. Sometimes when they leave, I'm like, which joke was it?

Right. Because it's just their trigger. Right. So I was like, could it have been one of seven or eight different ones? This lady, they told me she got mad at the Village Underground. I was like, all right, whatever. I was talking for a while.

Then I left, went to the comedy cellar. Had as I'm walking down the street down the third, somebody's like, you're a piece of shit. I'm like, oh, I bet you're that lady. I bet you're the one that left mad. Imagine. Oh, I love it. They have no idea how much joy it brings me to.

Well, if they told you the reason why they left, you would probably write more jokes about that thing. Right. 100%. Every time somebody comes down on like, somebody overstepped with an Asian joke, it just makes everyone do Asian jokes, a rape joke. Makes everyone start going, oh yeah,

I should do more rape jokes. Yeah. It's just the opposite of what they want. Yeah. Yeah. All right, well, this has been awesome. I have one last question. It's a row back question.

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You say you're farting. I've never smelled it or heard it. Yeah, Jake's wearing a hoodie right now. The most comfortable clothes in the world. Yeah, I feel that. That's not bad. Yeah. These pants, they're so comfortable.

I wear them all the time. Just rocking them. You never have, I mean. What are these? Just sweats? Yeah, it's a jogger. It's like a, oh, look at that. We have them for you.

Really? Bam. These look like the kind of pants. Tell me row back, John Rowback, who owns the company. You tell me if I'm right or not. These are the kind of pants you wear with no underwear to come in your pants during a lap dance.

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Yeah. All right, last question. This is kind of a, I don't know if it's a fucked up question or like, I'm always just curious because anyone who's in the entertainment business, anyone who's producing content, comedians especially, have you thought of like how many years you have left in like what this, what the path looks like

or is it just... Yeah dude, my hands fucking shake. I've done too many drugs. So I've probably got seven years left. Either an OD's gonna take me or one of those fucking heart attacks that leaves me fucking spoon fed. Probably seven years left.

Damn. Yeah. And I'm going out hard. So you don't even have to worry about someday not being funny. Not at all, it'll be done. Do people have permission to make a joke about your death when it happens?

What an honor. Yeah. That's a good way to, I feel the same way, man. I really do. Yeah. You don't have to worry about nobody. Ari Shafir died seven years too late so we could have never seen that Kobe Tweet.

Yeah. Yeah. Wish he had died before Kobe so we didn't have to do that. Everybody gets mad at that. I'm just like, oh, you're just telling me you're a dork. That's all you're telling me is that you're a fucking humorless dork.

Yeah, walking around with that anger. It's so funny too, because I'll do that all the time. It's just like people worship celebrities too much. So I'm just like, everyone's like, you know when everyone's talking about a friend? Yeah. That guy rules. Oh, he's great.

One time he picked me up from the airport. That guy's awesome. It just kind of goes around the circle. And all you gotta do is go, fuck him. And then it's just funny. And that's the moment. But it's different groups get mad at me. So like, who's the guy?

Kenny Rogers died. Yeah. And I called him a racist. That's why he only had roasted chicken, not fried. Because he didn't want black people in his restaurant. And there's all these middle-aged white ladies, like 60-year-old white ladies, like, fuck you. This is why you'll never have a special.

You're not funny. Fed four. Is it great? I just love it. Yeah, it's making people uncomfortable. Yeah, dude, I hope I OD. I want to go hard. I don't want to age out.

Like an accidental OD or just like load up one day? I hope you don't die from an OD. How do you hope I die? I don't know. I mean, just die a nice little, you know. That's the dream. I mean, if you die from an OD, it's 71. If you die from an OD and you're old,

that's the best way to go. Okay, yeah, 71. I was thinking you were gonna OD like tomorrow. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it'll be, it might be soon, right. Yeah, don't do that. But yeah, if you get to 71, fuck it. Can we politicize your death? Ooh, vaccine, it was a vaccine.

It wasn't the, it wasn't the fucking, you got to get it in you. 10 pounds of acid, this is the vaccine. Yeah, he always, his acid always worked on him before. Now, suddenly. Yeah, you got to find a new political cause and make it about that. I give you full permission.

Okay, I will. I'll make a note. But like what, like, yeah, it's because the Yankees are underachieving. Russia, Russia's high. Russia killed him. Just vague about Russia. Oh, Hillary, say something bad about Hillary.

And that way, say that you have information like leading to the arrest of Hillary Clinton. Another Clinton body count, there it is. That's what I want people to say when I die is like, Hillary got him, clearly. Too much. That would be an honor. Yeah, that'd be like, oh, you were on her radar.

Yeah, she didn't like one of your jokes. Yeah, okay. That would be props to Hilldog if she killed you because one of your jokes offended her. She's just running off the score now. Remember when her husband was just fucking everything? And then she found out and it was just like, I'm sticking with him.

And then we all found out like, they haven't fucking years. She's a hardcore lesbian and everybody knows it. And that's when it was proven. This is how she's going to get you. She munches box. She said too much truth. Yeah.

You're now, you're now on the list. That's right. And she fucking, her and Oprah just fucking 69 each other. You know it. You know it's true. Photoshop it. That makes it true. All right.

Well, everyone go check out Ari Beacon Theater, March 24th, Friday. Gonna be who, give us one of the guests is coming. Fuck no dude. Surprise guests. Surprise? Yeah. My special Jew is on YouTube right now.

But yeah, surprise guests. It's going to be a fucking fun time. Yeah. I'm pulling out all stops for this because it's my homecoming. I love it. I love it. Thank you so much for coming by.

We appreciate it. Dude, thanks for having me. Yeah. This is one of the best shows there is. Oh. Like legitimately. You guys don't take anything seriously. That is true.

Yeah. It's great. Sometimes we do. And then we get, then we laugh at ourselves. Yeah. That's exactly. It's okay to fuck up. All right.

Yeah. Remember when I got mad about this? That was stupid. That's actually the best when you can be like, yeah. Wow. I fought with people online about like a bear's free agency. Like how big of a loser am I? You ever get trolled by a troll?

Then halfway through you're like, oh, you don't care about this. You got me dude. I've started to like get a little bit smarter where someone will say something pissing me off and then I'll click on their profile and zero followers. I'm like, can't reply. Cannot reply.

Like they have to have at least 10. I'll give them props. Like you got me. And then they'll keep like, no, no. This is where I really feel like it's over dude. It's over. Yeah. You got me.

End up. You got me mad. It happened. All right. Well, thanks so much man. Appreciate it. Yeah. Thank you guys.

Thank you. Roeback coming those pants. Ari Shafir is brought to you by Omega Accounting Solutions. Attention small business owners. You may be eligible to receive up to $26,000 per employee through the employee retention credit. You were a responsible business owner. You continued to pay your taxes and employee staff

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Okay, let's wrap up with FireFest. We reviewed the tape. It was confusing. Ah, he fucking hit it. Ah, he fucking hit it. Cell phone. Yeah, yeah. I mean, you held the ah.

That's why I heard I fucking did it. You can really hear whatever you want to hear that. If you hate Max enough, you'll hear I fucking hit it. Yeah, I was just hoping you said I fucking hit it with 12 seconds left, which would have been a very premature call. That's a good cue to my FireFest. Oh, okay.

We had a men's league game and they start doing the countdown clock with two minutes left. And so they were counting down the clock like 10, nine, eight, seven, six. We were down one, hit a shot with one second left and I thought the game was over, but it was the shot clock that was one second left.

There was 12 seconds left. They came down, hit a shot. We lost by one. Big T got hacked with two seconds left. What's Big T's game like? Exactly. He looks exactly as you would imagine. He's a gentle giant.

He doesn't, he's not aggressive. He's a big body, big presence, doesn't really, you know, take advantage of that. But he likes to shoot, but he got a good look, got hacked. The ref didn't call it. It's one of those situations where it's like intramural, so it's like, how mad can you get at the ref? But it's like, if you're gonna be

refereeing an intramural game and someone gets hacked with two seconds left, maybe not, you know, in the middle of the game, who cares? Falsh, Mal. Yeah, that's weird. But what's the point? He's usually a big stop the steal guy. Yeah.

But it sounds like he got his pocket picked on the last play there. No, he's got hacked, yeah. Yeah. I also have a flight to Chicago in three hours. Wait, Hank, Hank, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, tell it. Hank, Hank, real quick.

So in this game, it sounds like you played pretty well, right? Yeah, no, so that was actually, I wasn't even gonna mention the end of the game, because like, who cares? My real firefest was, this was my first basketball game I've played in three months. I showed up late, because I was playing video games with PFT.

I had to run there. Nope. And... They were playing a zone. I didn't warm up. I literally walked in as the game was starting, didn't warm up. And I was just like, fuck it.

They were playing zone. If I got an open look, you know how these Pick-a-blames games go it's pretty casual People aren't super aggressive in the beginning because no one's good So no one's gonna be like just ripping threes and I was like all right in my head I was like fuck it. I'm gonna get an open look if they pass me the ball. I'm gonna shoot it. Don't think to shoot. I Legitimately shot it over the backboard Like hit it. It was a it was a high arcing shot that bounced off the top of the back

But that's that's your patented. I'm not ready yet shot. I know you you you are the king of like I've always said it when people like what is Hank like playing basketball? I'm like his first couple shots will completely miss the rim and then when he gets actually like honed in he will He will you'll be good shooter, right? So it was it was com cool. It was somehow not Billy I wish Billy was here Billy as similar to big T where it's like his game is exactly how you'd imagine this game to be Billy's game Is exactly how would you imagine to be where he's just a football player playing basketball, right? He? shot a three Somehow he jumped high enough where I feel like he was parallel to the backboard the ball went straight

There was no arc on it bounce so hard off the backboard that I think it bounced and landed past the three-point line It was and I I was laughing but I was also like I also just had one of the worst shots of all time But it was it was it I don't think I'll ever forget it I don't think I'll ever see Billy doing that and be like that was pretty sweet I gotta keep shooting yeah, yeah, I'm a little rusty shatters the backboard So good so good, and then you came back, and you won the next time that we played video games. No no Almost oh shit. I tried though. I'm just out here trying the hardest shit. Hopefully I make this flight Yeah, what time's your flight?

7 a.m. Yeah, it's 12 30. Yep So you have to leave I'm gonna say no chance in like four hours four and a half hours I'm gonna make it. I just leave right now I I'm gonna I'm gonna do some thinking when I get home. Yeah, I would go to the I might yeah I might just pull a Nick Tarani and just get to the airport to the airport. Have a couple termes Keep it loose You're screwed

Yeah, yeah, all right pft Which is gonna be great if Hank gets on a plane at 7 30 the type of yawns He's gonna be hitting my god complete stranger sitting next to him. I don't care about that Sometimes I wake up and and it's like inception like where they they're all looking around like did that just happen? I wake up off a flight. I'm like the person next to me Probably heard me sleep talking snoring you probably had a boner Maybe maybe who knows I don't really fart or bone in my sleep, but sometimes but it's like I'm never gonna hear about it. So who cares have you ever fallen asleep on a plane and

Woken up and had maybe a little half a chum. You're like, oh, I get boners on the way to the airport You're like wait morning wood. This has been happening morning wood Facts you know, I have a thousand you've come in your pants on a plane. Yeah, that's my fire No, but I have had that yeah, I mean that just happens pft my fire fest is you guys know I've got the golf bug I've been I've been playing a lot recently. We haven't heard and Listen, it's in your blood you want to get it you're not a parvert like me But it's all I think about when I wake up all I think about when I go to bed And the the mission that I'm on I'm denying but I'm building myself up like a video game character in golf

Where I'm not allowing myself to get a golf bag until I break 130 So that means that I'm carrying around a full set of clubs whenever I go to golf anywhere Which is very very triggering for a lot of people online when they see that I've literally taken a belt And I've wrapped it around my golf clubs and tightened it to keep them all together Do you like to guy that hole hit the hole in one and where's the iron covers because? That's what he had to do when he was poor like you just you know you gotta earn it Yeah, I got your roots. I don't have golf shoes yet. That's another thing. I'm gonna level up on eventually, but It's really starting to hit me how much it sucks not having a golf bag when you're going around to golf

So you could just get a golf or no, no, no, no, you could just shoot a 130 Why why do you know the other why do you as a man need a golf bag? You're basically carrying a purse around well You just said it sucks to have to carry my Yeah, it does suck to have to do that and then also try to have to look at which club you need and which club You're gonna use and then you pick up like seven clubs and look at which one they are because so that would be why you Like one golf bag. I'm listen. I'm building myself up now earned not given that's my motto when it comes to golf bags So I went to the to this indoor simulator and played with Jake today. I beat him

That's not really what I'm talking about But I did beat him But I definitely held up the pace of play big time having to scavenge for whichever club I'm going to use Each and every time it's probably adding. I don't know like a good hour hour and a half to every time I try to play around a golf. Yeah on the simulator. So It's it's a prison of my own design that I'm living in. Yes. Yes max by the way Trending topics right now. What a shot Chris Jenkins Yeah, who's Chris Jenkins, uh, Chris Jenkins would be the player for Villanova

Oh, no, that is right. I knew I recognized that name. So that was your play Yeah, I mean, I I'll I'll still take that play. Yeah, I'll take that. Where's Villanova from Uh, Villanova, Pennsylvania. Okay. What what part of it? Wait, is that really the town name? That's crazy. Radner Township. I did not know that what's what city they didn't like the big five, right? They are in the big five of philadelphia. Oh, okay. Yes, and they just and that play just beat uc la Yeah, no, I'll take that. I mean that was a win for me. That was that was like one of the best days of my life So I'm 15 15,000 dollars would have been nice 15,000 dollars would have been nice, correct

That is correct And that is my firefest All right, my firefest I got a weird one. I Had to get my cavities. I had two cavities that I'd been sleeping on for about six months thought they were going to become Uh, root canals went to the dentist and my firefest It's a little bit of a twist because most people like all I hate going to dentist. I actually, uh Now that we're moving I'm gonna miss my dentist. I have the best dentist in the world I've never had a good dentist in my entire life and my dentist fucking rules

He's a fan of the show fan of bar stool Like tells me straight up what he's like, this is how long this is gonna take like it's gonna take this You want a little gas? Okay, you get a little gas all the stuff. It's the best thing ever I don't know if I'll ever go to the dentist again. Oh, yeah, I've never had a good. Oh, I've never had it I don't think good dinners exist actually wait When was the last time you guys been to the dentist? I'm working with it. I think I would say five plus for me It was in march. Oh, you've gone. Okay, so you're good. It was march madness. No, no, not this march Okay, no, no, no, no. This is march 20

night 2018 Yeah, yeah, I'm definitely pre-covid and I'm definitely I brush and I floss twice a day I've got great teeth. It's five years easy. I I would like to find a dentist I have a great well, but I'm also like the chicago thing. It's like, yeah, you're just wait till you move No, I'm gonna go before I move, but I'm I'm I'm gonna probably have to take like a week Because I I'm trying to just get my shit together. There's gonna be so much blood No, dentists are a scam. I just like I just kind of they're gonna be like you have You got three canals

Yeah That's root canal suck you brush your teeth though, right Hank? Yes, but I love sugar. Yeah. Yeah, I mean brushing your teeth is Obviously good, but you still get cavities. Yeah, I brush my teeth. I get cavities You don't have a cavity until somebody tells you you have a cavity. That's true or your mouth hurts Yeah, that's true. Yeah, people don't go to the dentist when their teeth are feeling great. Yeah, although cleanings I know I learned the cleanings They're not the worst if you actually do it semi frequently I I remember because I I was on the same streak as you guys. It had been like probably four or five years. I went

Got the cleaning was the worst experience ever and they're like if you come back in four months five months It won't suck and then I did that and it didn't suck. That's how they get you Yeah, you had a kid and then you started like being responsible with that but Going to the dentist was this guy, uh, was it a coincidental? No, I had connected with him about something else And then he was like i'm a dentist in brooklyn and I was like, okay, great and then yeah, he's saved my life I'm gonna miss him. I might just fly to go to his place. I have a question Has anyone gotten the physical that we all said that we were gonna get? Oh, I need to get a actually

Thank you for reminding me because the the guys with the f-18 hit me up And they're like, yeah, you need to get a physical from a real doctor if you want to go up in this plane Yeah, we gotta do physicals. I think they're gonna are they gonna do the butt thing to me. Well, you know, you're not 40 what, uh You weren't here. I don't think hank we said we'd all get physicals and and share the results That was a fun content said that was his resolution or yeah, that's right. It was your resolution All right, so we gotta do that. Yeah, I still haven't got it. Uh, none of us have speaking of jake definitely has jakes Definitely done speaking of physicals. There was a saints player who got a physical and he found out he had cancer Oh, yeah, thank you. Thank you. That's why I never get physical. That's why they're not

Yeah, that was a bummer. I don't think i'm gonna hit one That was a bummer memes Damn, dude All right Jesus Uh thoughts and prayers way to fucking end the show on a bummer, man Oh, yeah, it was uh morrow from the raiders uh prayers prayers for morrow Fuck memes

I don't I don't say after that Definitely not gonna physical no No, definitely. No, we should I mean if we're gonna get all have cancer. We should probably try and you know Let's hope we just don't get cancer now. Now I think I have cancer statistically only like two of us in this room have cancer Chicago That's when you'll find out that you had cancer. Oh, you can't get a doctor now Right. Yeah, like I haven't gotten a doctor nor a dentist since I've been in new york So maybe this is the key to never going to the dentists or doctors moving every two years

Yeah, I don't want to live like an hour. I don't want to start that relationship now. Yeah Yeah, I'm gonna miss this relationship. I wish I I could I could keep it I might I might actually it might be better to fly to new york to do dental work than Like start a new relationship. Uh, I have so many dentists hitting us up Yeah, hopefully we want cool ones. Now you can move on for me. Don't bother We we need them. Uh, okay Hank have you ever gotten this The water ball machine. Yeah. No, you just take L's

All max and almost like max. All right numbers Oh, Hank, you know what number you should pick I'm gonna do 17 I'm gonna do three 69 three's not in there you idiot How do you How are you so bad? I was trying to fuck with memes. It's shocking how bad at this you are I thought you were gonna pick 69 Nah

Uh 20. Oh, uh, who has who's oh Johnny Fanta has 26 Fuck fuck him. Yeah. No, no, no Johnny Fanta has 26 max has 28 Max homo has 25 87. I like to sound 48 I feel good about this Where's Jake? Uh, I don't know. He's doing the title show. Oh, yeah Two. Oh, you were one off. Damn If when we had said it was there's no three you just been like fine two Why that that's not a crazy thing to say. No, you were one off. You were you were close

So, you get Hank you're getting closer max. You got an animal fact for us I love you guys Dogs are chill Talked it away Oh, I don't know what I'm to say. I'll say it anyway Today is another day to find you shy and away I'll be coming for your love okay and take on me Take me

Oh I'll be gone in a day or two So needless to say I'm on sentence, but that's me. I'm stumbling away Slowly learning that life is okay and say after me It's no better to be safe than sorry and take on me Take me Oh

I'll be gone in a day or two Oh And all things that you say Is it liable just to play my worries away You're all the things I've got to remember you're shy and away I'll be coming for you anyway. Take on me Take me Oh

I'll be gone in a day or two I'll be gone in a day or two Oh In a day or two