Pardon My Take - Mr Portnoy, Chris Long, LAbron signs with the Lakers And the Mt Rushmore Of Office Characters With Andy Buckley + Bonus Jon Taffer

Episode Date: July 2, 2018

Hopefully we're all still alive when this episode comes out because we taped it at the end of last week (2:20 - 5:36). We talk our favorite 4th of July activities to get everyone ready for the holiday (5:36 - 13:38). Our lawyer Mr Portnoy joins the show after a long hiatus of being a radio star in his own right. We do complaints with the people's lawyer and he gets going on train etiquette (13:38 - 52:34). Andy Buckley aka David Wallace joins the show to catch up and do the Mt Rushmore of Office Characters (52:34 - 75:46). 2X Super Bowl Champion Chris Long joins the show to do the Mt Rushmore of laws we would pass if we were invited to the White House to visit the President Plus bonus Jon Taffer because he's the greatest American alive. You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/PardonMyTake

Hey, pardon my take listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen, ad-free, on Amazon Music. On today's part of my take, we have a special Holiday Week Vacation July 4th edition. Andy Buckley, you've been asking for him. He is back. Also Mike Portnoy, Mr. Portnoy, you've also been asking for him. He's a hilarious conversation in person, so we'd have to deal with his phone not working.

We also have Chris Long and the Mount Rushmore of laws you'd make if you ever got invited to the White House, not saying- Because that's how it works, right? Yeah, exactly how it works. You get invited to the White House for winning a Super Bowl, and then you get to tell the President what law to make. Unless you're a lib cock and you decided not to go. Like Chris.

All right, before we get to all that, the Cash App, you know, it's our favorite app. It's the number one rated app by Pardon My Take. It's the most important financial ratings that come out every single quarter, and we have rated the Cash App number one yet again, back to back. You can pay people back, you can buy and sell Bitcoin, you can get boost discounts with your Cash Card, you make sure that you download the app, get your Cash Card, and select that boost for discounts at your favorite places like Chick-fil-A, Shake Shack. We're literally giving away free money because not only are you downloading the Cash App

and getting linked up to your bank account and getting discounts, but we're also literally giving away free money, and we've been doing it every single episode. All you got to do is download the Cash App, tweet us your cash tag, and we will give someone every single episode free money. Hank, who'd we hook up? Hank, who'd we hook up? Hank. Hank.

Hank, who did we hook up? Jordan Lake. Jordan Lake. Lake Show. More like Jordan Leek. That's good. Yeah. You call that a Leek?

More like a Leek. Jordan Leek. So Jordan Lake, he gets free money from Part of My Take and the Cash App. Download the Cash App now. Thank you to Cash App. We love you Cash App. All right. Let's go.

Bye. Bye. Now in the street there is violence, and then a lot of stuff will be done. No place to hang out or wash in, and then I can't live all on the sun. Oh no, we're gonna run down to electric revenue, and then we'll take it higher. Welcome to Part of My Take, presented by C-Geek. Today is Monday, July 2nd, and can you believe that Argentina won again? That's wild.

You know what else is wild? That Kawhi Leonard went to the Cavaliers to win LeBron. And we talked about it on Friday's show. We predicted that perfectly. So we're time traveling again. We're actually recording this on Thursday before July 4th week. We are taking the week off. We are not taking the week off from content.

We have an awesome episode today with Mr. Portnoy in studio, Andy Buckley, and a new Mount Rushmore with Chris Long. Also, Mount Rushmore office characters with Andy Buckley. Pretty good. That's gonna get a lot of people going. You might know Andy Buckley as heads. I regret my second pick so much. What was it again?

Find out. Okay. That's a hell of a tease. Yeah, so hopefully we're not dead. Everyone wants to know. By the way, hopefully we're not dead. I didn't realize was that Andy Buckley, in addition to being David Wallace, was also in one of the Jurassic Park movies.

Yeah, true. I remember that movie. You didn't see it. Nope. So yeah, we're recording this. So maybe Argentina won, but they probably, you know what, let's predict all four games so people can laugh at us right now. Argentina lost because messing with the games.

What are the games? Argentina to France. Portugal, Uruguay. So we have France winning, and then I got Uruguay. Okay. I'm gonna go Uruguay and Argentina, and then on Sunday it is Espana vs. Russia and Croatia vs. Denmark. Oh, Russia for sure.

I'm gonna go Spain. Yeah. And the Croats. The Croatones. All right. I'm going the same as well. So the only disagreement was I have Messi because he's the goat, and you have France because you're a coward, yellow-bellied.

I'm a frog. Baby. I have Russia, France, Uruguay, and what's the fourth game? Croatia, Denmark. Denmark. Hank, if we gave you a map of Europe instead, find, you have to mark Denmark and Croatia. What are the odds that you'd get it right? Less than 5%.

Really? I might know where Croatia is. Well, tell us this. Did it mark the little, it looks like a little... It marked next to Germany. Yes. It's like a little skin tag on the top of Germany. Where do you think Croatia is?

Like near Italy. Yeah. Okay. Okay. You're actually doing okay. Yeah. That's actually pretty good. Where's Hungary?

Near Israel. No, not even close. You're thinking of Turkey. You're thinking of India. It's next to India. No, not even close again. I don't even realize how weird that was. Yeah, we should have ended that one right then.

We'll have to name a country named Hungary next to a country named Turkey. Well, they're not next to each other, but they're in the same region. So if you're wondering the difference between Italian's Hank and Croatians, just basically an Italian with an older jumpsuit. Pretty much. And two necklaces instead of one. Yeah, pretty much. And if you're wondering the difference between Italians and Greeks, the hair, that's pretty

much it. Way more hair on the body hair. Eyebrows. Yeah. A lot of that. Yeah. And the Italians obviously, you know, Christopher and Tony and that's, we don't have to say what happened.

We don't talk about it. We don't talk about what the difference between Italians and Greeks are, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. They don't eat pussy? All right. So July 4th is coming up. Why don't we just talk about America real quick?

What are your favorite things about America? Guys, one of my favorite things about America is rock and roll music. Yeah. That we invented. Bell-bottom jeans. Yeah, there you go. The right to bear arms. No.

Yeah. Well, Hank. Nice, Hank. You don't have a gun. I'm the only one here who's a gun owner. And as a gun owner, I think that you're a fraud. Yeah, true. You don't have to say that.

That's my word. You own a gun, but you don't know where your own gun is. That's fine. I have a free-range gun. Yes. Exactly. It's much happier that way. I just like having the right, though.

I think it's really, really important. Yeah. Just knowing that if you wanted to own a gun, all you got to do is get a gym membership and do a ton of curls. You'd be good. You'd be good to go. Hank, I'd love to see you have a gun. Yeah.

Can we get you one? Let's get Hank a gun. Yeah. For your birthday. What else do we have about America? About America that we like. Bank beans. America's been on a real heater recently.

Yeah. Bank beans are good. I like the fact that we're slowly legalizing marijuana. Yeah. That's actually very good. Slowly. And gambling. And gambling.

And soon to follow prostitution. Prostitution better be next. Yep. Yeah. America's doing okay. Yeah. We have football. We have football.

We still have football. And speaking of that, we have our football in July episode coming on. Well, you know what? We made the executive decision. We're going to throw it out there on Thursday for anyone who has to work the day after July 4th because that is one of the most hungover days of the year. Thoughts and prayers to you. Yeah.

They should really change July 4th so that it becomes first Saturday in July. Yeah. Right. It needs to be a Saturday. The fact that it's a Wednesday there is absolute bullshit. You know what? I disagree with you. So this is the one year out of like every four that kind of sucks.

But when the 4th of July is like a Tuesday or Monday, that's pretty awesome. Thursday actually is the best time because then you get the full weekend. No one's expecting. Yes. No one comes in on Friday. I had to work on July 5th when I worked for my town DPW. I was still drunk, hungover as hell, and I had to take out the trash the whole entire day at all the beaches which were like overflown from like you would pull up to the trash can

and it would be completely overflown with like two bags of trash worth next to it. Yeah. And just had to spend the whole day puking like picking up other people's disgusting shit. And that taught you never to drink again. Or never to love America. Work on July 5th no matter what my job is. And we saw them now. That's a good you know promise to yourself right there.

It's not worth it people. Well it's not for you, it's for your country. Yes. Yeah. I want to properly respect my country. You want to properly respect your country by not puking. Yeah. Before we do Mike Portnoy, you guys want to predict a couple more soccer games?

Yeah. Brazil vs Mexico. Brazil. Brazil. England slot. I feel like you guys aren't taking my opinion. Listen, I like Mexico. I'm on the record as being a Mexico fan, but I think that Brazil is going to knock the

shit out of them. England slash Belgium vs Japan. England might not get in. No, they're both cut in. We just haven't decided we haven't. We're taping before that game too. So double, double whammy. England slash Belgium vs Japan.

Yeah. What do you like better? Delicious beer and chocolate? Or fried fish and gross beer? Terrible teeth. I'm going to go delicious beer and chocolate. Yeah. Well, I think actually, no, you're wrong.

I'm taking England here because England's going to beat Belgium and then play Japan and then beat Japan because they don't want to go home to England. Exactly. Because it sucks. Right. All right. Last, last round up. Sweden vs Switzerland.

Sweden. Sweden. Swedes. Yeah. And Columbia vs England vs Belgium. Now, this is an interesting one. This one's got Hank's brain in a pretzel knee. England, Belgium.

No. I know it screwed you up. I just want England to win because of celebration videos, but I also love Columbia because of Columbia. Yeah. Columbia. Just because of Columbia. Yeah.

Just because of Columbia. Yeah. Just because of their numerous exports and their booties. Yes. Yes. Yeah. Mostly the exports. Yeah.

I'm going with England slash Belgium. I'm going to go with... Which would be Belgium in my case. I feel like it's going to be Columbia because they're the more corrupt countries so they might corrupt the game. Wow. Wow. Hank.

Corruption in Columbia. Yeah. Corruption in the history book. Yeah, buddy. Pablo Escobar was actually ran for senator. Yeah. I think I'm going to take Columbia just because the surge in gross domestic product after having Maradona spend an entire week up in Russia.

Did Heimus play or no? Homs. Did he play? Do you think he got back from injury? Hamas. He got injured. Yeah. He's fine.

In this alternate reality that we're taping for the future, did he come back? He's a soccer player. He's tough. Of course he came back. He's actually, he died. Oh, shit. Which hopefully we didn't. We had a separate shoulder.

We had this discussion that any time we tape a show beforehand we just have to talk about hopefully we're not dead because in the off chance one of us does die. That would be pretty fucking sweet for us. Raidings are going to go through the roof. Insane. Yeah. So yeah, hopefully all four of us are still alive. Just an insurance policy.

Yeah, right. Exactly. All right, so if one of us passes away, who's next man up? Do we call him Billy Football? No. Fuck that guy. He wouldn't come. He wouldn't come.

We still love him, but fuck him. I'm still mad. I love you Billy. All right, let's do some Mr. Portnoy. Your fathers are angry at you. Mr. Portnoy. Mr. Portnoy got a little out of hand. Things got a little away from Mr. Portnoy.

Let's just say that. Yeah, he did give us an update on his mail though. He got an update on his mail. He also, when he was like, I don't have that many complaints and then we got him talking and he just went off in many different tangents. Really funny. Before we do that, movement watches, MVMT watches, they also have sunglasses. Here's my problem with sunglasses.

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Lisa.com slash barstool. All right. Here he is. Our lawyer, Mr. Portnoy. All right. We now welcome on our lawyer, Mr. Portnoy. It's been way too long. He is in studio.

I don't know. It's been like four months. You're diva now. Yeah. You have a radio show. You're like... How's the guy from ESPN doing? Who?

Jay Billis. Jay Billis. Oh, Jay Billis. Listen. Yeah, listen. We sever ties with him. Has he been fired yet? Your hang up on Jay Billis is unfounded and erroneous.

I don't know about that. I don't know about that. We severed ties. We never want to pay him any money for the retainer. I'm sure you guys could bring up the audio of you welcoming him. You are our lawyer. Yeah. And then what happened after that?

You got a serious radio show. You never text anymore. You used all your complaints on that. So you're diva. You're a big radio star. That could be. Remember your roots. Yeah.

Okay. Do you have any current complaints? Do you have any current complaints? Because you told me that you had one that was six months old. Yeah. But thanks for bringing out the big guns first. Before we go into that. Yes.

I want to tell you a little story. This morning. Okay. We all right now? Yeah. All right. This happened this morning. Our hotel was literally a seven minute walk from here straight.

Last night when we went out to eat we had a very nice dinner and we walked by a sex shop. I guess it's a sex museum and we all noticed that. Murray and I did. Then we go to eat. This morning we come out of the hotel and we both confirmed that we were going in the right direction. So we're walking.

We're walking. We're walking. And we were looking just to check it. We were looking for the sex shop. So I'm going to start to cry again as I did this morning when this happened. We didn't see it. So finally I said to him you got to ask somebody. Murray by the way for anyone who doesn't know is Mr. Portoy's cousin.

And my best friend. Who is his radio best friend slash friend of me. For 40 years. Yeah. And they have a radio show together. So anyway. Two old Jewish men walking around New York looking for a sex shop. I'm going to lose it again because it just happened.

So we're walking along and I said to him you got to ask somebody. So it goes up to these two construction guys. These two old bent over construction guys. And I said this is a sex shop around here so we didn't know where it is. And I was laughing so hard I had I literally had to leave him because I was in the corner crying. And I don't know what the hell how we say I think he said it's not for us. I swear to God we just we just needed a friend who wanted to know where it is that was ridiculous.

So did they tell you. Yeah they told us it was well they said there's one on this street there's one on 56. Yeah. It turned out the reason that it wasn't the Maca that we had was from last night of the sex shop. It wasn't from where you understand it wasn't from going to the hotel it was going to the restaurant. Yeah.

Nothing at all to do with any of that. Yeah but a sex shop that'll stick out in your mind a little bit. It did. Yeah. Why do nerds have to ruin everything. Just like have a sex shop. Yeah. You know something.

I don't know about him but I didn't even notice. I when we walk. Oh yeah sure. I just saw sex. Yeah. I didn't notice that it was a museum. Yeah. There were a lot of people in there when we went by last night I didn't realize it was

a museum. I hate that they made a museum because it was my understanding that old people had never had sex. Yeah. So like before like 10 years ago. Yeah well. Yeah. Wait.

Careful. Careful what you're about to say. I saw your face. Be careful what you're about to say next. Yeah I'm going to let that go. Okay. Have you all been to that place? Yes.

I've walked into it. Walked into it. Yeah. I mean it's like there's a sex museum. A block from our. What is it like? It's weird. It's actually kind of funny because it is a museum and then just like a museum gift

shop there's a museum gift shop with just a bunch of dildos. What do we buy a dildo for? We bought a dildo for some video or something. Yeah that's right. We bought a dildo for this is now bad. We got to come up with something faster boys. It's a big dildo. Yeah.

What did we buy a dildo for? We used it in a Sunday night promo. Yeah. That's what it was for. I don't think that's why we bought it. Sure. Yeah okay. But is it like if you go to a cove museum where they have a 1918 Ford, do they have

a 1918 dildo? Yeah. Well no. They like to drive it too. Yeah. But it really does look like if you go to like a museum you know if you go to an art museum and at the end they have you know maybe some posters of the famous prints that you looked at or other little trinkets like a tie or something it's just dildos and weird

books about sex. They should actually do that. They should combine the two and have like a Georgia O'Keeffe Orchid flashlight. Yeah. That would be nice. All right. Well okay so before we get to the complaints I had one other thing I needed to address. Okay.

I heard a rumor that you defended dog nappers as a case. No. Somebody called yesterday. Tell the story. Somebody called yesterday. I think I got a little. I didn't make it clear. I didn't make it clear what the situation.

Somebody called up yesterday. I get it was on Dave's show and somebody called and said what was the most I don't know interesting I forget the word. You're most of the case you're most proud of winning was that I don't know if that's how it was. Yeah. Because you're proud of saving dog nappers. So yeah.

So I had a case number of years ago I represented a company that owned a kennel and somebody had brought their dog there and put it in it was a little dog put it in the cage and the next morning the dog was gone and I don't as I recall I don't even think there was any evidence of anybody breaking into the cage and the kennel had fences it was like a prison you know you weren't going to get out of there. So somebody lost a little doggy and brought a lawsuit against the kennel and there was a lawyer and I think he's kind of famous now in the Boston area who specialized in representing animals.

You probably he's a dog bite lawyer did not just dog. He represented the animals. Yeah. Animals. He was an animal. Yeah. I think they knew dealt with J. Billis. Yeah.

He was he represented Barney. Oh that's right. Yeah. He was an animal. But when you had that from Chicago the what was it the gorilla or something wasn't it was not Cincinnati. Cincinnati. Yeah.

There was a lot of people that were coming to the defense of the car and I think he was involved in that that guy. Interesting. Yeah. Anyway this is the guy you beat. Wow. Yeah. You beat the guy who defended Rambe.

Somebody in his office some of his office came in and brought this lawsuit. It wasn't him but I think it was a long time ago and the whole point was they said they sued my client for as I recall it was negligence failure to use reasonable care and defend and protecting this animal. They're a kennel. They're one job. Right. Just keep the dog in the place.

Yeah. But alive. Before you were going to be successful in that case as I recall it was a long time ago it just flashed in my mind when they called yesterday. You had to show that my client didn't use reasonable care and protecting the animal. You couldn't just say that the animal was there on Monday and gone on Tuesday because it could have been for a million reasons. You had to show something that really sound like I know what I'm talking about.

Yeah. You had to show negligence preponderance of evidence failure to use reasonable care. You got a kennel with a locked gate right with the kennel. The door to the kennel is no evidence that it wasn't properly secured. So they didn't take the next step to establish that my client hadn't used reasonable care. So it sounds like just an employee of the kennel just walked in stole the dog knows what and then because there was no evidence that they like left the gate unlocked. You sent in to defend them or it was fraud defended a bunch of dog could have been a

fraud too though. It was a fraud. No. But it could have been the person. By the owner. They're not catching trying to catch in. It could have been. So the dog maybe never existed.

Right. There was no dog. I figured. I'm PFT knowing him he would always come up with this kind of take. Yeah. The dog never existed. Yeah. The dog.

I couldn't believe we're talking about this. The dog did exist. Nobody said it didn't exist. It could have been like you just said big cat that somebody was trying to cash in on a phony claim the owner. It's an invisible dog. Yeah. Yeah.

So I mean it was so long ago. So what are they happening. We had an arbitration and they lost. So you saved you saved the kennel from from millions of dollars. After they deliberately lost a dog. Well you know I don't even have to deal with that because the kennel owner is deceased. So okay. Good.

Probably from all the guilt there. I didn't feel guilty. So did this kennel lose any more dogs after you defended him. Not that I know. Well we'll have to look at it. Well as a matter of fact we'll have to look into that because I have a sneaking suspicion that you were you know like a mob lawyer. I think you were you were like a cruel Deville lawyer.

Yeah. You're John Gotti's lawyer. How many Dalmatians would it take to make a mink coat. Anybody. One hundred one. Exactly. One hundred and one Dalmatians. It's a movie.

Oh that's all. You missed that one. Yeah. It's early. I didn't. You do a show. You do a radio show early. Yeah.

Listen. You talked about the thing that I'm really interested in is John Gotti. I keep going. Into the mic. Oh I. That's a big problem I have here. Yep. I keep telling people like I'm getting paid for this.

I'm. I always love mob. Me too. I love mob movies. If you get a chance to watch an A&E there's a documentary about John Gotti which obviously not coincidentally there's a movie coming out with John Travolta. Yeah. That's zero percent.

I know. I know. It's terrible. Don't be a blog troll. No but I will say something about this that struck me as I watched the the thing about John Gotti the documentary. So many of the stories that the son who's very articulate was telling stories about what happened with John Gotti and when you go to see some of the quote unquote fictional movies

the Godfather or the other one which I love. Goodfellas. Goodfellas. So many of the stories that are in there are based on things that really happen. Yeah. That the people that make the movie fit it in and they're fantastic stories it's I vote that's I am so interested in that stuff I have always been I love all the mob movies and everything.

But this you really when you see some like John Gotti Jr. talk about some of this stuff and then you think back to the goodfellas or the Godfather it's based on what they what they have what they have actually experienced you know they hire those people as what do you call actors. No. No consultants. Yeah. On that.

And that's what the consulting about that telling this happened that happened and the people that make the movie fit it in. Yeah. So you know you were representing somebody that was involved in the mafia. You know the problem with that is they kill people. Well let me finish as an attorney as a lawyer. They pay very well. Well they pay very well but also you could end up dead.

I mean once they know once the lawyer knows a lot of stories if you sing like a stoolie can marry. No but you can't say it. Legally you do you know a lawyer. Yeah but you think that somebody in the mob is very concerned about the lawyer. Oh no they think there's an Omerta. They follow rules. Thanks for moving into the kids table.

I will see you later. We're going to keep this all in. Yeah they keep their mouth shut. Our thing. There we go. That's good. Now your neck won't get hurt. La Cosa Nostra.

They keep their mouth shut. When you saw this documentary about John Gotti that watched the other night and they had his the father's lawyer on and if you had a picture of a bunch of people and say which one is John Gotti's lawyer which one is John Gotti's lawyer you had a picture up on the wall you would pick this guy. Right. I mean he was like a prototypical. Yeah dresses.

Oh yeah. I mean he's on every and just his paint on ties. Oh yeah. Pinstripe suit. Yeah his whole demeanor and his whole attitude. Did you ever consider showing up in court wearing a cowboy hat. You know something. I'll prove right there.

I'm going to tell you something. Go on. I do have what you would call a cowboy hat and on a bad day I'm sure there were times that I did wear that. When I was in when I was actually talking to the judge I didn't have it on right. You know you see lawyers that do that. That's a very common thing. You see lawyers that they're obviously dressing in a certain way to convey a certain image

so that some stranger that's about to be indicted. I say this guy looks like he knows what he's doing. Yeah. By the way he's dressed. Yeah. So that's that's not a crazy thought. Just wear a doctor's coat. Yeah.

Trust me. Yeah. Trust me. Yeah. Listen. I really want to say it. Yeah. Yeah.

All right. I would love me. What do you have for complaints. I had a very good one. I think I told you back a few months ago that I had a good one and it was about to come to a head. Yeah. Again as I just told PFT a little while ago it's as many things do with me as time goes

on it gets fuzzy in my mind but I had a real problem with Hewlett packet. Yeah. Oh I remember this. Yeah. I had a real problem with Hewlett packet and by the way when we weren't you guys weren't there but when we were at my condo in Florida and I got a I had a printer that was absolutely driving me bananas and the guys there tried to help me and it really never worked out very well.

Yeah. I love that you have all these problems with companies that are so hilarious for you to pronounce like the packet Uba. Yeah. No I said that. I go well. Pack it. Pack it.

Pack it's good. I like it. This is good. So would you. How do you say it. Packard. Packard Hewlett. Packard.

Yeah. There's an R and a D in there. All right. You know what I'm talking about. Yes. I got an idea. HP. HP.

All right. How's that. That's great. I got a printer and one of those three and one you know that does scans and all those fancy fancy serious money is coming through a fancy one. Wait. Does it fax or in case you have to like apply for at least yes it has a fax capability but I don't know how to use fax scan print yeah and copy nice.

Wow. Oh my god. For me. Can I borrow some money. Huh. I'll fax you some. Okay. I didn't know how I don't know how to use a fax.

I had had one a long time ago the same unit that stopped. It was eating the paper that I would put in through the automatic feed which is not good. No. Yeah. So I got rid of that one and got another one the same exact unit and I started to have some problems with it. So I called Hewlett Packard HP and spoke to someone and God knows where and they helped me with it and before we hung up before we hung up they said to me oh by the way we have

a special do you want to buy. Oh no. Yes. Oh no. Do you want to buy do you want to enter our ink program I said what's that and they said we're going to send you every month based on believe it or not and I'm here I am big time attorney and I'm falling into this hole right now. Oh I believe it and they're going to send me ink periodically based on my usage.

How much is ink. Oh it's much cheaper blah blah blah fine and okay and the reason I know the reason I now I'm remembering is coming back to me. The reason for my original call was that I got on the last problem I had they extended my warranty. I had an extended warranty and they agreed to extend it for three more months. In other words the reason being that the warranty was going to expire in February but I was going to get a new warranty but I said to them I want the new warranty to pick up with

the old one hands. I don't want to have two warranties at the same time it makes no sense. It's concurrent warranty. Yeah yes yes yes we will do it. I said send me something and write in confirming this we will do it. Never came. What did come was the ink that I really didn't want that came immediately I'm in a ink club that came immediately.

I didn't want it. I keep calling whiz where is my written confirmation of the change in extending the warranty. You'll get it. You'll get it. You'll get it. You'll get it. You'll get it. You'll get it.

It doesn't come. Finally I sit when I'm getting now getting really irritated. Oh yeah. Where where is it. Well the people and I'll never forget this. They said the people that are handling that are in the back office. That was the term that you like I was calling a bookie to giving you the run around. Yeah.

It's all the information is in the back office Mr. Fortnoy you're going to get it. Finally finally and I'm feeling pretty good now because I figure look I'm going to cancel it but I'm going to come out ahead because I got this freaking ink all right they sent me the ink. No suckers they sent me the ink and I'm going to win because I'm going to cancel this thing and I got three or four ink cartridges and boy I'm a winner. Yeah. I'm a winner.

I outspread it by the barrel. Yeah. They never they don't know how to deal with me H3 yeah. I just took advantage of you guys and I am happy right. So I cancel the thing. Take this freaking ink you believe those suckers had a chip in there that they can control if you were really part of this system or not. So because I had canceled it by some miracle they got the cancellation immediately the ink

doesn't work. It's like a big. Wow. They can just shut it down. Yeah. That's unbelievable that they put those chips in there. Yeah. Yeah.

So so I'm in this so they beat me. They beat me. They beat you. So you're submitting. Yeah. You're you're you're tapping out. I I I lost that one. You cartridge.

Well I didn't really I shouldn't say I lost. I since you say I lost because the cartridges weren't weren't worth anything but I didn't end up paying for anything either. It was a it was a draw. Okay. It was a I would call it a draw. Yeah. But I want to say you lost your time and your time is money and the time is money and

when you should call a complaint my complaint would be that the most difficult people to deal with. I couldn't even imagine. Well they probably are like wait someone's calling us. Who the hell is that. They're like wait. We will still use printers. Someone has someone owns one of our printers.

How much stuff. How much stuff do you print out at your house. I use it a good amount. Stockpile. Yeah. Well. Is it true you still print out directions. Places.

What. How come you're piping up. Confirm or deny. Yeah. Do you. That is some old school shit. I like I'm sorry I like to have a little ink on right now we're going back on the train. I know I could use my phone.

Wait. You put it in directions for a train ride. Oh no. Well anybody let me finish. All right. It says here we sit down. It says the museum. The museum sex museum is right over here.

You gotta wait for two hours. Then you get to your destination. If you'd let me finish. I wouldn't look like such an asshole. Okay. Or maybe I would. Yeah. I like to have something in paper.

So when I would go on the train I just did a little while ago. What's wrong with having. I got the ticket. Print it out. So I don't have to use my phone. Got it. I just show it to the conductor by the way. He didn't ask for my phone and he didn't ask for a piece of paper.

I never said that as an aside. And this is. You could call this a complaint. Anybody's going to take the train in this world. There's no security. I never saw. I never saw. You can go.

You can go and go anywhere on that train. Yeah. Be a hobo. I think you just. I think you just like. I want to tell you. There's something. Right in the rails.

Yeah. This is going off of the rail. This whole discussion. This whole discussion is going off. The conductor saw you on the train. He was like that's that famous Bob Dogg lawyer. Stay away from him. I want to tell you right on the ticket.

It says you must produce your identification. Does nobody ask for identification. Nobody asks anything. This is. As long as you paid for the damn ride. They don't care. He probably took one look. He's like that's the guy who's been fighting with you.

I hate to say this because I imagine some people are going to hear this. And I know you talked about dates. Couple people. You could walk on to the station. With a bomb. Oh. I'm not talking about. I'm not talking about in a bag.

I'm talking about. A thing. A sign that says I have a bomb. And nobody would ask any questions. Well. And I want to say one other thing about the train ride. I wasn't even going to talk about. This is a complaint.

Yeah. This is a complaint. This just happened. I'm free. Freestyling him. Yeah. We were in this train. We didn't go in a quiet car.

All right. What we didn't go. Quiet automobile. Quiet section. Quiet. Quiet section. Okay. All right.

There was a woman who from the minute we got on. Put three hours. I didn't shut up. I never had to go. three hours. Didn't shut up. I never heard anything like it. She didn't take a breath. She was like four, four rows behind. And the guy next to her, I think he collapsed. He didn't have a, finally he just came up. He tried to talk with her a little bit. She didn't even notice that he was sleeping. She just kept going.

We talking to him or talking on the phone, talking to him, talking to him, sleep big convo. This was not the sleeping section. No, this is a Peter King column. Come to life. Yeah. Well, this is great too, because it's like you, you came in here and you're like, I don't really have any complaints. And then if we just get you talking, it's just like, Oh, well, actually that's another thing. All right. And did you give her like the turnaround? Did you say, I, I, I, obviously after a while I had to turn around and see who is this. Did you say something? No, I'm not, I'm not confrontational. She wants to, but it was after a while it gets on your nerves. You're

more of a wait till you go on a podcast later and complain about a guy. Yeah. And I don't think she's listening to this. No offense. I mean, the famous race peel off. You don't complain. No, no. The other thing, which I, I, the Hewlett pack was older. Another thing was happening. Wait, how much time did you spend dealing with Hewlett pack? Oh, a lot of time. Like how much? Like that's cause I, I was, I want to tell you, which is one of my favorite moves with these companies. I was on hold for, I want to say each time I try to call them 45 minutes, but I'm not sitting there. I just put the phone on. Oh, you got that. Yeah. I just, you know, oh, I got them. Yeah, you got them. I'm not so

naive to think they could give a shit about it. Do you tell them you're a lawyer? No, the first thing I always say is do you know long, do you know how long I've been on hold? They're like, yeah, 45 minutes, like everyone else. And the next thing out of my mouth is what are you going to do for me? Which of course backfire with those. I just like it because I just imagined for whatever it was a month or two months, you basically clocked in your job every day. You woke up, you did your radio show, and then from the hours of, you know, nine, 10 o'clock to five o'clock, you're like, I'm dealing with you. It's a big report. I got inaccurate. That's not an inaccurate description. You know, it becomes

it comes a full time job to me against them. And I'm not going to lose, but I did. It gave me a great business idea. People that have warranties on these type of things. It takes forever to try to get somebody to honor the warranty. You know firsthand about that. Why don't we start selling warranties for warranties? So if you get a warranty, we'll warranty the shit out of it, and then you don't have to deal with them. You call us and you say, Hey, I'm dealing with a warranty problem. Does my warranty cover this? And then we'll say, yeah, and then we'll give you a little bit of a run around, waste a little bit of your time, but then we'll take care of your problem with the company.

And we take out insurance on our warranty. So when we're just too lazy to actually fulfill our warranties, we just claim a file claim with the insurance company. And then we, we, we, we pool like, uh, maybe tens of thousands of our warranties together. And then we allow people to buy shares of the insurance of the group of warranties. All the bad warranties can be, yeah, they can now invest in that and we'll have someone artificially rate them like a plus. Yes. And then we'll have synthetic warranties. Yeah. Like, Hey, if something were to break down, and he did have a warranty, then you can buy insurance and that too.

What do you think? I think it's a great idea. And maybe you could get the guy from ESPN to be off of him as part of the service to be a lawyer. I think Jay Bills. Yeah, because I'm more into pot and to being on the radio. Oh, diva Portland. Yeah. Like my, what's my son say? I becoming a monster. Yeah, you are. Yeah. Monster. Yeah. Before you correct me, before you correct me, it's a monster. I find your accident. Deering. I'm not making fun. I'm just laughing. I see. Uh, what, what was your other complaint? Oh, you know what's happening in, uh, in the Boston area where I live and it's going, apparently it's taken hold in San Francisco.

Global warming. No, no. These bikes. Oh, my God. We have that in a lot of cities. Well, we just got it where I live. You're talking about like the city bike or no, no, listen, this is what it is. I don't know if that's the company. You just go, you need a bike, a bicycle, pedal bicycle. You go and somebody rents one. I don't, very inexpensive. You take the bike and you guys would appreciate this. You use your cell phone to get it. Yeah. All right. It's a little bit different. But the thing about this is in the city of Boston, all right, you have to return them to a bike rack. Yeah. See, in my town, they have these in literally every city. Oh, okay. This is in your town. Got it.

In my town, you're done with it. You leave it. Doesn't matter. Just like throw it on the side of the. Yes. And in San Francisco, I see, I can see you. You don't, you're a little surprised. They have it here too. You just leave them. So leave them. Well, I don't know if they have them in Manhattan. They definitely have them in Jersey. They come into Boston. You leave them wherever the hell you want. Do you lock them up? No. No, no, no, you have to go. Because they have a disabling mechanism, right? Right. Right. It disables it. So once you disable it, your financial obligations have ended. Yes. So these people here to four, these people, these people just get off the freaking bike. They leave it everywhere. So you can imagine,

and I live in a relatively small town, everywhere, everywhere in San Francisco. Because I could see what's happening. You can't even walk on the sidewalk. Because there's just bikes. Yes. How many times have you tried to walk on the sidewalk and a bike has stopped you? It's coming. It's right now. We're in the eyesores. And in the city of Boston. Yeah. All right. This is a pre-complain. Yeah. In the city of Boston. Pre-complain. They're talking about having motorized scooters that will do this. And they already have it, I think, in San Francisco. The key difference is you're not returning them to a spot you leave them anywhere. Yeah. Absolutely anywhere. My, the kid across the street from me got one.

And they just, he left it. And I live on a dead end street. He left it there. Finally, they had a call. Will you come and pick this thing up? They never did. And he had to go bring it back himself. I mean, this is, it's crazy. This is a hell of a complaint. I don't really have a solution here. I mean, I agree with you. It's crazy. Just too many bikes. Just bikes everywhere. Yeah. And, and I mean, people want to, I, you know, I live near the ocean. A lot of people want to walk along the ocean on the sidewalk. Now you got to jump over these bikes. I'm telling you. But you haven't yet. Not yet. Right. But you will eventually have to jump over these bikes. You tell me something about when this is all going to be on. So maybe it'll be more relevant.

Yeah. Okay. In two weeks when, when this airs, maybe it'll be jumping over. In fact, if you want, it's coming that fast. Yeah. If you want, I'll call you and tell you what happened. Can I give you some advice? Just lean into this. Just you start becoming a bike guy. Yeah. If you start renting bikes all the time and leave them everywhere, you'll all of a sudden be very, very in favor of this program or, or carry around a knife and just start slashing tires. Well, I obviously, in case that ever entered my mind, I'm not going to respond to that because then they would use this as evidence of the fact that I'm the, that I'm the guilty party. Yeah. What, what if you just started stealing? And in my million years, I didn't think we'd

be talking about this. Here's what I would do. I would just, I would get a pickup truck. Yep. I would drive around, put all the bikes into the back of my truck, and then I would open up a bike shop. And then it's their problem. Once they buy it, you know, the problem with that is these suckers are heavy with that lock on the weight room, but it's theoretical. Oh, maybe that's okay. So theoretically, I think you could do that as long as you didn't try to ride it. Hold on. Everyone these days, they need like something to work out like CrossFit or these weird. I do that. Yeah. These, you don't do CrossFit. These weird, you, you do not do CrossFit. These weird workouts where, you know, you basically have someone yell at you or you do something,

you know, they deconstruct how to work out. Maybe you started mobile gym where the whole gym is just carrying the heavy bikes and putting it into the back of your pickup truck. Yeah. So you're basically getting paid on both ends. Where did I get paid on the front? You get paid for the gym. People have a membership. Oh, I do the work for you. And then you get paid when you sell the stolen bikes or you just melt the bikes down and build a car out of them. Wonderful idea. Any other complaints? No, I think I've about, and I'm sure you would agree. I mean, we could talk forever. Can I, can I sue, can I sue Messi for being a fraud? There's no way. I know he's a soccer. Yeah. Okay. And I bet I have no idea what a penalty kick and he's supposed to be the

goat. And he also invaded some taxes, millions of millions. So sports talk professionals like us, we label frauds a lot, but fraud means something else in the legal sense. But I'm wondering if there's like any chance I could actually sue Messi for being a fraud. Good question. Because you bet on him. Yeah. Cause I lost money on him under the pretense that he was the goat. You know something, this gambling, you know, the new gambling laws that scare you, it should scare you. Why? Well, not you, not you in particular. I'm talking about in your personal dealings. Why make money? Yeah, would scare people that weren't good at gambling. No, but I mean, you are a gambler. Right. Anyway, but I was, but I already said,

so nothing's changed. Nothing's changed. Except I'm going to be able to make money advertising. Yeah. I, I, I lost my, no, what I was going to say is, and this is kind of related, I'm not really to what you said. I really care what you asked me, but I don't know if you saw this. Don't take it personally. Definitely not. No, I don't know if I saw this, but this is a wild thing. I, I pretty sure I saw this about sock. I can't believe we're talking, I'm talking about this, that this, one of the networks are proposing, because there's a lot of issues in refereeing and soccer either or not. That from, that that's one of the, one of the entities proposing having cameras everywhere and having somebody up and people up in the booth instead of the referees. Yeah.

Did anybody ever see this? Yeah, they had it. They have that already. Yeah. They do review. Not for review. Yeah. I'm talking about making the initial all the calls. Oh, I like robots. I like that. But they're humans assisted by robots. Oh, they have cameras. Yeah. And they're, and they're looking at it. I like that. They're looking at it as it's happening. Right. And it's saying there ought to be a foul on number six. Because they have a better angle. Yeah. There ought to be, and they have cameras everywhere and they don't have a need for a referee at all. The only thing the referee does is, I guess relate what he's being told right from, from up above. Okay. I like that. So what would that have to do with anything?

Nothing. We're talking about messy. Talking about messy. And I think that the camera proposal is for soccer. Got it. That's why. So that was where it came out. And I care what he has. It seems to me though, if you're a ref and you're close to a play, you can see things more clearly than I don't know about that. I mean, you got cameras everywhere with different angles. And they're trying to do the game in 1984. It's big brother out of the soccer field. Yes. Yeah. Very much so. Does that scare you as a, I mean, have you ever got into civil liberties? Well, yeah, there's a camera in his ink cartridge that he would pack or put in there. I'd be very scared of him. They're watching you. Big brother is watching. Am I the only,

you know, I'm going to say something. You're going to talk about big brother. That's the name of printer company brother. Yeah. Are they still in business? I don't know. I've started to notice this is something. Oh, what were we talking about here yesterday? Started to notice. Oh, I know. I know. I know. Listen, maybe I am getting a little paranoid. We're talking about my son. He has to find it. I imagine you might know this. He's got to find another place to live right. If you're aware of that. Yep. So we were talking about last night. And don't you think I got on my phone something about finding apartments? Oh, and I have never gotten that before. And here I mean, maybe I'm getting a little paranoid. Hanks had these moments. I have. I'm starting

to have a feeling that things that I talk about with people all of a sudden. Oh, shoot. We're going to regret that bomb talk about the bomb train talk. That's a good point. Yeah. Well, you'll cut that out. Yeah. But you said in real life, you said it. So now it's going to be a late phone. Yeah. That's not us. Yeah. You understand the phone is off the conversation. No, it's never off. Your phone's never off. The microphone always works. Amazon's going to have warranty. I'm really regretting that. I bought brought that, you know, something I didn't think about that. And I'm not, it is a possibility. I'm sure you probably search for an apartment. Oh my God. If the FBI is out here when I open

this door, they're taking you down. They're taking me down. Oh my God. You'll have to be doing your serious show from the clink. That's the best test case I've ever heard of that, though, because we had like Hank tells a story about like a specific type of shoe that popped up on his phone. Yeah. But I mean, I could see a world where they targeted Hank for a specific shoe. Yeah. Shoes, looking at shoes. Hank saw a hype beast over there. But for you, like looking for an apartment, that's totally. The point is, I mean, was it in New York City? The apartment in New York City was the email you got? No, no, I don't remember talking about it. Just talked about looking for an apartment

or something like that. I could show it to you. Let me see it. Unless I got rid of it. This is going to be, there's no way this is. And by the way, you're going to help me with my phone. Yeah. I'll help you with your phone. He's getting apartment ads for apartments and sex shops. Yeah. You might like this still though. I mean, that would be because that would be another test. Yeah. If that appeared. I mean, after a while, why would you turn your phone off? Because I didn't want it to, I didn't want it to go. I didn't want it to vibrate. I didn't want us to do anything while I have respect for you folks. Oh, I appreciate that.

His password was warned. Do you still have your password? I'm going to tell you something. You know something? I'm going to tell you something. I changed it. Did you know what I'm going to tell you? I'm going to tell you what I, you know, what you change it to. I'm not going to tell you, but I'm going to tell you something that's going to surprise you. Your name is in it. Oh, okay. That's, that's a little creepy. Yeah. I got to change it again. How's Max doing? He's doing great. Wait a minute. I want to see if I can get this. Is he behaving himself in school? Yeah. A little, a little, uh, you know, seven years old.

He's got some Portnoy in him. So unfortunately, that's probably true. Yeah. A little, a little bit of, you know, you're probably, I know how busy you are, but I really do need to help you. I asked, I asked, I asked Riggs about, maybe he could help me, but he wasn't interested. Let me see. A lot of times the help is just that you have your junk mail open instead of your regular mail. Remember that? This is good radio right now. Yeah. This is great radio. Yeah. Well, don't cut the super max five thing. Yeah, it's gone. It's gone. Let me see. You can look in the trash. You might be in there. I must have trashed it. It's something for real estate. Apartments. Definitely apartments.

That was just a little while ago I did that. When did you get it? I think today. This morning, I thought. No, it's not in the trash. It was an ad. Amazon golf now. I get a lot of that spam. Yeah, it's looking like you got your stuff figured out. All right, let's finish this up. All right. Thank God. All right. That's probably what you think. Mr. Portnoy, thank you as always. We appreciate it. I enjoyed it. Are you okay with your mailbox? Your mailbox? Okay. Well, you saw how difficult it is for me. Yeah, we know they still burn. So it's still down at the bottom. I can't change it. I cannot change it because I still get mail to that post office box. I don't want a different number. But as I get older and more infirm, it's going to reach a

point. I just can't get down there anymore. Yeah. What about the cinch factors? It's still burning. Oh, sure. Oh, yeah. Sure. Never stop. Never stop. All right, Mr. Portnoy, thank you so much. Thank you guys. Congrats on all the success. What's that? Congrats on being a star. Yeah, I'm a monster as my son said. Monster. Monster. And you know, it's so ingrained. I can't stop that. I know you and I see you laughing immediately and I know what I did wrong. I love it. I love it. Mr. Portnoy was brought to you by Simply Safe in 2017. The Better Business Bureau heard more than 5,000 complaints about alarm companies. That puts home security in the top 10% of most complained about industries. Their asses in the jackpot. Here's how you fix home security. You

do what my friends over at Simply Safe did. Simply Safe got rid of contracts. They got rid of all the hidden fees. They work hard to earn their customers business instead of relying on tricks and fine print. Simply Safe is a company that treats you right. How rare is that today? Well, a company that relies on good service and a great product to earn your business. That's one in a million. But I've known Simply Safe for years. They are good people. It's why they've got an A-plus rating with a Better Business Bureau for 10 years running. That's no coincidence. And there are over 40,000 5-star reviews online for them. Simply Safe is what home security should be. You're getting all the best protection period. Learn more about Simply Safe today at simplysafe.com

slash PMT. That's simplysafe.com slash PMT to protect your home and family with an A-plus home security system. SimplySafe.com slash PMT and now Andy Buckley. All right. The Fourth of July special continues and we welcome on a very, very special guest. He was on part of my take almost two years ago and the people first two years ago. Yo, wow, you got the date. The people have been clamoring for his return and we give the people what they want even if it took two years. But it is Andy Buckley, the man, the myth, the legend. What is going on? Just praying for that office return. Put me back to work, people. Well, let's talk about that. What's going on with that?

No, I don't know. They came to me. Everybody else is going to do it. Steve Krasinski-Rain and I said, you know what? I'm not doing it and so they shut it down. I like that. You got to play hardball. You got to do the friends cast thing and make everyone get like $10 million an episode. Actually, since you're Michael's boss, you should get more than him. I technically should. The owner should be getting all kinds of though. Speaking of friends, who's that guy? Who's that kid? The draft. He got drafted. All he wants to do is go out on a date with Rachel. Oh, yeah, Donchich. Yeah, Donchich, because he plays over in Spain. The kid from Croatia. Yeah, he plays over in Spain, so they just got friends last year.

That is really funny. Yeah. Wait till they see you on the office. Wait till he figures out that you're on the office. They're going to lose their mind. Wait till they hear this. Wait till they hear this fucking telecast and then they say, that's it. I want to be traded to either the Lakers or the Clippers. Big Cat has never seen Jurassic Park, but you were in Jurassic World. Do you have any choice words for him? Maybe, hey, get caught up on things? I think there should be someone like on the Twitter should say, hey, any movies you haven't seen and just constantly show pictures of all the Jurassic Park movies. Yeah. No, is that what like, is that, is Barstool doing that?

You guys doing that? Yeah. Get out there and see it, pal. Get out there and freaking see it. The new one is fantastic. It's, I got to see it the other night because that's just, that's how I roll. That's the kind of, the kind of juice I got. I get to go to the premiers and it's so funny. I'm reluctant to swear because I'm trying to get my son to swear less. Oh, really? Is that a problem? He's swearing, but he's not around and he's certainly not going to listen to this. So the new one is fucking great. It's fantastic. It's, and yeah, I'm not in it. I'm hoping that someone puts me, that they put me in the third one. Yeah. Technically, I did not die in the in the first one. Oh, come on, dude. Spoiler. I haven't seen it. I mean this in the nicest

way possible. It's a three-year, you know, I gave you a three-year timeline. You didn't make it, so sorry, buddy. You would have done a great job as the lawyer that gets eaten off the shitter. Wait, I haven't seen that one either. That was, that was, you know, I'm hoping that's what happens to me in the third one. Wait. You got to get out of the house more, man. No, I got to watch it, but my theory is that everyone has like one movie that they just somehow missed, that they, one big movie that they're like, oh shoot, and they're embarrassed to say it. Have you, is there one big movie? You might be the wrong person to ask. No, no, I, I haven't, I haven't seen Avatar. I haven't seen Inception. Same. You know, what about the classics? That's a,

that's a couple of, two, two big classics. Yeah. Avatar. Big time classic. You know, I've seen Caddyshack thousands of times. I assume that makes up for it. Good for you. Yeah. You know, stripes, some of the early Bill Murray. Wait, speaking of Caddyshack, what do you think you would have shot at Shinnecock at the US Open? Because people forget you were a phenomenal golfer in your past life. Well, if I would have had, you know, countless Mulligans, I would have shot 65. I would have taken out Alprez by a stroke. Yeah. What do you shoot though? Yeah. What do you shoot these days? What do I shoot? You know, I barely go out and play. I get to play in one thing that's really a blast, this web.com event, it's a Pro Am

in South Carolina. It's like there, it's the web.com, the Pebble Beach, basically, like it's a four day thing. You go, you play, you got your pro partner. You make the cut. You make the cut. I make the cut like every other year. It depends, it depends if I'm able to practice. I don't know. I'm like an eight. I don't know. Are we, are we, are we going to set up a money game? Yeah. I'm like a 12. Ooh. Okay. I could probably play to a 16. Yeah. Something like that. What do you bench? What do you bench? Give me a 220, 221. 221. Whatever. The classic, the classic half pounds you throw on each side. You squats or what? The, I don't do anything. I chase my kids around the backyard, but you know, I'm sure I'm due for

like a hip replacement soon. You know, I, I'm sure I'll get, I'll have some sort of a scooter injury soon. You know, turn and keep up with my kids. So it's, so it's the fourth of July. That's when we're going to air this. I don't know if they told you that, but this is coming out in the future. So you're talking in the future right now. That's not what my lawyer said. Yeah. So in the future, yes. Okay. So in the future, in the future, what are your big, what are your must-dos on the fourth of July? If you do Mount Rushmore. My future, my future self is going to talk to my younger self to celebrate Hank's birthday. Hey man, I keep up. I did like seven minutes of research scrolling down on part. Wait, part of your research was that Hank had a birthday this year?

You know, this year, I think he did, right? Did he have one this year? Or he's got one. No, he's got one next year. He's got one next year. Yes. That's a fact. So what am I going to be doing on the fourth of July? If you were to talk to, if you were to talk to past Andy Buckley, or if past Andy Buckley was to talk to future Andy Buckley, what are you going to, what are you going to be doing? Fourth of July, you're ready for, I'll probably be up in Canada. My wife from Canada, I think we're going to go to Canada for the fourth of July. The Ryzen boys, my buddies up in Toronto, the Ryzen boys. Yeah, we know them well. But precisely, they're avid listeners. That and my buddy Declan, the Dunkmeister who goes to University of Miami.

An avid listener. What am I doing on the fourth of July? I don't know what I'm doing on the fourth of July, but I'm freaking, that's what I'm doing. I'm either in Canada, if we go or I'm here, we got to decide. My wife may have some stuff to do. For all I know, I'm going to get a job that week, which is always lousy. You never know. That's what always happens. You plan a trip, you get a job. And I know I will be wearing red, white, and blue though. Yup, colors of France. That's about all I got. Here's a good question. You live in LA. Are you ever worried about the big one? Well, no, because you obviously haven't seen me in the showers. Hey now!

Oh, talk about earthquakes, folks. Let's keep it clean. Keep it clean. This is a family show. Yeah. No, not, you know, you lower yourself to sleep. I don't know. Occasionally you think about it. Yeah. It fucking, it sucks. Earthquakes really suck though. Yeah. The big ones come when they hit. Have you guys ever been in an earthquake? It's like, out of nowhere. It's scary as shit. Never been in an earthquake. No. Yeah. It's a, it's scary as hell. I chased a tornado one time. I'm a heavy walker. So I don't know. That kind of counts, right? I fart really heavily. Yeah, like powerful farts.

And when you sit down and you fart into a chair really strong, it feels like an earthquake. Same thing. I'm with you. Or a mudslide. Yeah. Yeah. So it's that sort of a thing. Yeah, exactly. So you understand what it's like. Hey, we do this with every guest that we have from LA. We're going to give you 15 seconds just to talk about traffic that nobody cares about. You know what? I was on the one on one today. No. Actually, you know what? This is the crazy thing about being living in Los Angeles. So I took my son to get my 12 year old to get a golf lesson today at this place, Angeles National. This is like, you know, one of the public courses out here. And as we pull up, like this is Los

Angeles for you. Like, there's some unbelievable, I don't know what sports car from 50 years ago sitting there. And, you know, surprise, surprise, standing next to it is Jay Leno. And he's about to film his show, you know, you know, all about cars or whatever. And then, and then like getting out of the car is Josh Tumel, who I actually worked with a couple of times and who couldn't be a better guy. And he's a guy. Hey, man. And you end up like shooting this shit. Like just to go get a golf lesson. You end up shooting the shit. That's pretty cool. There's my 12 year old. Hey, from Transformers. Yeah, that's it. Isn't it freaking crazy? But there you go. That was my, that was my 15 second traffic story. Okay. Do you think the sun is hot?

It's the sun of who? The sun. You went to Stanford. You went to Stanford. I imagine the sun is pretty hot. I feel like I'm, I feel like I lost my, I feel like I lost my mojo here, fellas. I got nothing funny today. No, you've been one of the whole time. Let me ask you, if you think the sun's hot, then how come outer space is cold? Is outer space cold? Oh yeah, it's freezing. Yeah. You've never seen a fire in outer space. Yeah. How about when you go up to the top of the mountain? Is that what the sun is? But the mountain is, the top of Everest is closer to the sun, but it's colder.

Hey, man, I'm just, I just occasionally do a little acting. I try and entertain, try and keep my kids fed. I can't, I can't be answering all these questions. I'm hopeful for an office return. Yeah. The interim, you know, I'll do an always sunny. I'll do a life in pieces. I'll do it for your enthusiasm. You guys didn't ask me about that. Yeah. How was that? How was that? I signed a non-disclosure thing. I can't tell. That was fucking awesome. That was spectacular. He's a, I mean, holy crap, he's sitting there with Larry, David and Jeff. I get unbelievable. I must say, I was, I was very intimidated. It's like one of the only been like two times in,

in my life, acting wise, I've ever been intimidated. That was one of them. What was the other? I didn't have a sort of silk stockings years ago. No. And manual space. Yeah. You know, no, no. The other time was on the set of the movie, the house, because everybody was so funny. Like every, like every single person was funny and telling him, like, holy shit, I better be funny. I better get a laugh. But no, he's sitting there. And it was, it was a scene too, where like Larry's like, he's pissed off at my character. So I, the first couple of takes, I couldn't tell if he was like, pissed off as the character at my character, or like pissed off at me because I like sucked because the whole thing is improvised.

Like you make it up, you know, it's all like, there's just basically three lines of, all right, they're coming to you. They need help. Here's the thing. You're no help. And then, you know, go. So like you got to, you got to be funny and, or you got to keep up, I guess. Not necessarily be funny, but so that was, so that was a little intimidating. I was dying to talk to him about golf, but because of my being a little intimidated, I didn't quite, didn't quite do it. So they give you like an instruction, Hey, this is what the scene needs to accomplish. And this is what is where it has to go by the end. And you have to hit these lines. And the rest is just go for it. Yeah, it's literally, it's like four lines. You know, Larry said something on,

you know, TV to offend a certain, you know, group of people, you're, he's coming to you with the FBI guy for help. You're no help. And literally, you know, you tell him he's not in any danger or whatever. Like literally those are the four lines. And then, and then you just kind of react off of whatever they're saying. I mean, it's fun. It's really, it's really a blast to do. I feel like with Larry David, I wouldn't understand where the acting started and where it stopped just because I associate his character on curbing enthusiasm just with him as a person. So in my imagination, the cameras turn off and then he just keeps walking around complaining about exactly the same. Yeah, no, it's funny. He's a,

I mean, I certainly didn't get to know him all that well, but he's actually quite a nice guy. You know, he's like, you know, pleasant, pleasant guy. And, you know, I probably easily could have like started talking to him about golf because I think he's like, I think he golfs all the time. He lives right over at Riviera and plays there all the time. But, but, you know, yeah, that's, that's what you think. But he's, I'm sure that's an exaggerated version of him. But he's, you know, who knows? He's certainly a nice guy with me. Um, all right. Do you have any, any of the last words for, for the listeners for, this has been fun. We need to do this more often. Yeah.

I, I see, I spent two years. I'm, I'm like the guy that hasn't, you know, I'm like Tiger. It's, I've been offered a couple of things. You just have some random sex with a lot of people. Your wife hit you in the face with a golf club. That's, that, that was the main, that was a specific reference. Um, the, I guess you, I guess you read that the, uh, can we do one of these Mount Rushmore things? Come on. It's a, you know, give me something. Give me, give me a little something. Give me a Fortnite reference. Give me something. You know what we'll do. All right. Let's wrap this up. We'll do it fast. Everyone, we don't have time to, to get our picks exactly right. No, let's do, let's do Mount Rushmore of office characters. Oh, boom. Let's do it.

Why don't we do a draft of office characters? Your squad of four. No, it's a Mount Rushmore. Okay. Let's do Mount Rushmore. You can start. Okay. Me? Yeah, you. You're talking to me. Oh yeah. So what am I doing? I'm drafting. Yeah. You pick one and then we go around. So we're, you end up with four office characters. All right. Do, do I, do I get to draft myself? Of course. Not that I will, but right. I draft myself very frequently. What do you think I've been doing on this call, fellas?

Jack it off. All right. So go. By the way, I played golf with Paige Spearneck. Oh, yeah, I should have led with that. Yeah, you probably should have. So she's sadly, it was a freezing cold, raining day. So your golf game was good. You know, she was funny as heck. She, she was like, like the group of us, she's like, sorry guys, I, I know you, if you were playing with me, you, you were kind of hoping I wouldn't be so heavily clothed or something like that. She was really funny. Like that's what she's, I can't remember, but she was pretty funny about it.

Yeah. Um, all right. Who am I drafting? Todd Packer. Okay. That's a strong number one. Wow. Number one. It's kind of a sleeper. All right. PFT go. I'm going to go Michael Scott. Okay. I'll, uh, I'll go Dwight shrewd creed. You get to Hank. Jim, it's one of those rounds.

Jim, what do you call that to you? No, I took Jim number two. Oh, oh, that's what you did too. Okay. Uh, I will. Who'd you go with creed? Who'd you go with after that creed and Jim? Although I'm now reading Jim. Yeah. Um, no, no women have been picked yet. All right.

I'll go Ryan Howard. Hmm. Okay. That's a good combo. Yeah. All right. That's right. Ryan Howard. I'm classic episode. Yeah. I'm going to go with, um, Stanley. All right. Is it to me?

Yeah. You get two. All right. I'm going Holly Flacks. Hey now. Yep. And, uh, uh, Holly Flacks and, uh, I'm taking Meredith. Oh, that's a good pick.

Good pick. Good pick. Meredith, you motherfuckers. All right. Good pick. I'm going with... Got a bag of cigars in her purse. I'm going with, uh, Kevin Malone. Good one. Phones.

I'll take Andy Bernard. I'm going to take Stanley Hudson. Mm-hmm. You take it? I did. I took him and I took him. Yeah. You already took him. Yeah.

The second rounder. Yeah. Second rounder. All right. Then I'll take Mindy. You mean Kelly Kapoor? Kelly Kapoor. Kelly Kapoor. Kelly Kapoor.

Kelly Kapoor. Kelly Kapoor. Very telling that no one has taken Pam. Pam's the worst. Pam's the worst. Pam's the worst. Hey now, fellas. Now let's go with Toby.

Toby always brought the laughs. Okay. Whether inflicted or not. Glenderson brings the laughs. I don't hate, I don't hate that. I will go with my last pick. Who's my third pick? You took, um, Andy Bernard.

Andy Bernard. Uh, I'll take with my last pick, Daryl. Good pick. Okay, um, my last. Is this me? Is this like the final pick? Me? PFT and then you.

I'm going to go first. You threw a monkey wrench into my plans because I was going to take Kelly Kapoor. I thought she was going to last too. No one wants Robert California. You can, you can take David Wallace. Oh, that's, that's. Yeah.

Now that you said it out loud, like just kind of trying to. Yeah. He's going to take it. Well, he feels, we, he's going to feel really bad. He's going to ruin his July 4th. No, I'll, I'll draft myself. But as, as we know, I've been doing it

the last half an hour. Okay. I'll take, um, I'll take Aaron. Interesting. I would have gone with Jan there. To have the Jan. Dan Levinson. To have the Jan.

Michael combination. Would have been nice. Would have been nice. That was a mistake. No take bet. No take back. I don't think it's a mistake. I think that place.

Aaron's a forgettable character, ultimately. If you're going to draft. You really want to draft Hunter as well. Yeah. Angela's out on the board too. You know, we got Angela. We got Pam. I may go with Pam.

Okay. You're going to take Pam. It's up to me. Yeah. Uh, I like Pam. Okay. She's the worst. Hey, I didn't draft her though.

Come on. Oh, oh. This is my final pick. The final pick. Yes. In keeping with what I've been doing for the last half an hour. I will draft myself. Yeah.

There it is. David. Fucking Wallace. DFW. There it is. Were you named after David Foster Wallace? I think I was. Yeah.

Because Krasinski is a big fan of his writing and made a movie. His first movie was before A Quiet Place. He, uh, he made brief confessions of a hideous man into a movie. Real upset that like another actor on the show got to name you. That seems like a major sunning. That's an alpha move on his part. I was a guy sitting in a cubicle at Merrill Lynch when I got the call to be on the office, buddy.

I don't care who named me. Good point. Um, all right. I was a guy worried about paying the bills for the hot dog slash sandwich. He was going to have for lunch. Andy Buckley. This has been so much fun. Appreciate you coming on fellas.

We got to do this more often. Yes. I'm so out of sync. I don't know what I'm doing. I feel like we'll add the laugh track band of bells on the 72nd hole of the British open. Very topical reference there. Yeah. And well, it's right before, right?

For the July, you know, I looked it up. Yeah. There you go. We'll add the laugh track. Don't worry. We'll, we'll after every single thing you said. We'll be good. Dude, we'll fucking need it.

Is it true that they're going to take the office off Netflix? Thank you very much. Don't let them do it. Carry on. And I don't know what we're doing about our draft, but we'll, you know, we'll do something with it. All right. Sounds good, man. Good to hear from you.

All right. See you guys. Thank you. Thank you. Andy Buckley was brought to you by Bet DSI. BetDSI.com has been in business for over 20 years, paying winners. They're A plus rated on sports book review sites. You can use your sports knowledge to make some extra cash.

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It's a Seeky question. Put in promo code take you at $10 off. I didn't do the Seeky question before. I think we've done Chris Long in there. Oh, you did. Oh, yeah, but this is coming out of Chris Long. And now, Chris Long. All right, we now welcome on a very special recurring guest who didn't make the Mount Rushmore

of recurring guests this year. Huh, it is Super Bowl champion, two-time Super Bowl champion. Chris Long, what do you think you did wrong to not make the Mount Rushmore of recurring guests? I'm not really sure. I didn't make the Mount Rushmore. I didn't direct it. So maybe y'all could tell me what I did wrong. Well, you didn't, you gave us a couple of scoops.

Oh, I didn't break. I didn't break. Didn't I give you a scoop on re-signing with Eagles? You gave us a scoop that you weren't going to go to the White House. Yeah. And you did that accidentally. But he also gave us a scoop that he was going to re-sign. Yes, dude.

You guys, because of that interview, I had like a hellfire of MAGA people hitting me up, like leading up to Super Bowl. Like I had people like putting a Trump curse on me. We're not going to win because of that interview. Well, if it makes you feel any better, when that happened and we saw like the media storm coming down on you Super Bowl week, there was probably one or two minutes where we felt bad. Then we moved on with our life. But there was definitely a moment.

I remember it vividly being like PFT. It would really suck if the Eagles lost and Chris like blamed us. And then I saw people rubbing my face in dog shit. Yeah. And then PFT was like, hey, are you going to pass that wing? I was like, what was I saying? But no. And then we got back to our life.

Man, it felt good though, because I went back and like one of these like big right wing dudes on Twitter had gotten like 100,000 retweets saying that I put the Trump curse on our team. And then I went back to retweet him after we won and he deleted the tweet. I got to find out who that was. Ooh. Yeah. I'm going to guess it was Cernovich. Yeah.

I saw it. Probably, yeah. Cernovich. Well, yeah. It sounds like a Cernovich move. Yeah. Well, we didn't put you on that much more because we didn't, we want to distance ourselves from your controversial politics, Chris.

I know. I'm really a polarizing figure. It's funny, you know, ever since I said that I don't like Nazis, like I feel like I walk around and some people like are looking at me funny. Well, you're in the home of Nazis, Charlottesville. You are. Yeah. Yeah.

Maybe change starts at home. We are the first anti-Nazi podcast though, sir. You're in friendly ground with that. That's good. I wonder if Cernovich is an award-winning listener and he could explain maybe calling and explain why he deleted it. I'm going to guess he's probably not. Yeah.

I'm going to say no. Yeah. I'm going to say no. It's got the gorilla mindset though. Um, so, yeah, it's true. That's true. So, wait, who's the guy that you imitate all the time? Alex Jones.

It's not an imitation. That's an exact impersonation. That's actually Alex Jones. I got the documents right here, Chris. Yeah, it says right here, you're a big lip-cuck. I'm a big Pay-Pay-The-Frog. Look, here's our turn, the Frogs guy. And I'm, but except for Pay-Pay the Frog, he's strange to me.

That's my favorite, the Frogs guy. What do you think his beats per minute like his resting heart rate is? Oh, shit. Oh. Probably like 300. Yeah. He's always one. I would think it realistically like 88.

It's like a drum roll. Yeah. Yeah. Him and Maradona have the two highest resting heart rates. Yeah, it's like a metronome all the way up, turned all the way up. So, because it is the July 4th, pre-July 4th episode, and because you are a two-time Super Bowl champion, two-time no-show to the White House,

we thought we'd do the Mount Rushmore of laws that we would enact if we ever got invited to the White House, because I'm pretty sure that's how it works. Yeah. My understanding is if you win a Super Bowl, you get invited and then you can meet the president, and then you tell him four laws, and he has to immediately enact all four.

You have a conversation. Absolutely. Yeah. I want this, and then he doesn't. Actually, actually, I had the, they, really what happens is you show up, and then you go out in that big room, and they put you on C-span,

and you have like two minutes to talk, and just, you know, make whatever legislative changes you want. So, it's kind of bummed I missed that. All right. So, we're going to do those laws. So, we're going to do a snake trap. You're going to go first. I'll go second, then Hank, then P.F.D. You want to go rear here?

I'll bring up the rear. Bring up the rear and come back, and let's do it. So, let's start with you, Chris. Laws that you would enact if you ever got invited to the White House after winning a Super Bowl. Well, I got some laws that I would want to create, and I don't want to seem overly like a punitive type guy, but I'll start with one that I think would be positive,

would be having an auto bond. I think we're missing out on an auto bond, and there's a lot of places that you could put it and just do away with the speed limit. I like that, actually. Yeah. You could just put it actually in between Albert Haynesworth's house and his favorite bar. Yeah.

And he would probably pay $500,000 a year to drive. What is an auto bond for the listeners who might not know? Germany, they just basically have a highway that you can go as fast as you want from one, you know, sex romp where you shit on the girl to the next one, where the girl shits on you. Which is basically a nice way to like thin the herd a little bit because it's fucking terrifying to me.

And if you put one here, like all the people with bad judgment will just go on the auto bond. Yup. Yup. Whose idea was auto highways? Paul Walker. Yeah. Yeah. That's exactly right.

Yeah. Steven Seagal. He came up with it. Oh, no, that was Trains. Wait, Hank, you say, did you say whose idea was highways? Yeah. Shit, that's a good question. That's not real.

I think it was like Roosevelt. Yeah. Yeah, must have been. All right, I'll go with the one that I think we all can agree on. Day after Super Bowl has got to be a national holiday. Yeah. That's really actually exactly what I would say if I ever stepped foot in the White House.

That's a good number one overall, Hank. All right, Hank. I'd make the drinking age 18. That's dangerous. Yeah, why? Because everyone's drinking when they're 18 anyway. True. So we're going to just make it legal.

That's actually fair. That's actually well thought out. I would actually say 19. It sounds like a good age because if you're 18, then everybody in high school has access to beer. Like a 14-year-old to get beer. Yeah. Yeah.

That's what I'm saying. You want to be like the 19-year-old like I was in your year, the like from 19 in the spring? Yeah. Uh-huh. Yeah, right. Yeah. And like hoard all the alcohol.

Yeah, you want to be held back at year like Chris. Oh, that's why you're good at sports. Fuck that. Pretty much. Yeah, it turns out that you're not actually that good. You're just playing against a bunch of guys that are a year younger than you. Yeah, you've been a year ahead your whole life, you motherfucker.

Pretty much. Yeah, that's pretty much what I'm saying. And I get arthritis sooner than everybody in planning on the sound. So next year, when I grow to be 6'3 and 290 pounds, I'm going to kick your ass, Chris. Yeah. I can't do that.

All right, PFT, your rules. You get two. I'm pissed off because you took my Super Bowl one, but that was a pretty basic one. Yeah, that's yeah. Um, you can all agree on that. I would, this is kind of a serious one. I think that if you get over 100,000 followers on social media,

you should be above the law. Mm, true. You should be allowed to break any law that you want. You just like the purge? Yeah. Yeah. Laws don't apply to you if you're an influencer. Yeah.

My second one is that billionaires shouldn't be allowed to own property. Mm. So they should have landlords. What about billionaires that have to pay for their own fucking stadium, though? Well, yeah. Well, no, they're not allowed to.

OK. That's the thing. Billionaires are not allowed to pay for their own fucking stadiums. They have to rent it from a dude. Got it. And the guy that they rent it from has to be a guy that makes less than $100,000 a year.

I like that. So it's just some like, some guy who's just a landlord. Everyone should have to deal with a bum-ass landlord. Yeah, I like that. I like that. That's a good rule. Keeps you grounded. Yeah.

Yeah. And yeah, like you're, oh, the lights don't work in our stadium. And Joe, the landlord, is just not picking up his phone. I would love to see Elon Musk like, deal with a shitty landlord. Yeah. He'd just get his ass kicked. I like that.

All right, Hank. My number two, I would make all fast food restaurants have to be mandatory open till 2 30 in the morning. All of them. All of them. Right. That's actually a really good law. Yeah, I like that.

I like that. OK, I'll do. What about Chick-fil-A? Even on Sundays? I had that. I wrote that down and then I was like, you know what? Let's just do the whole fast food. Yeah.

Let's not worry about one restaurant. Let's worry about them all. I'm going to go overtime insurance for betting. OK. So we need that. That needs to be a law. Because now gambling is legalized. So I can't say gambling is legal.

But they need to have overtime insurance for betting. So as soon as you hit overtime, you know. You know when you have like the underdog. And the overtime happens, you're like. Or when someone on your team just forgets what the score is and just dribbles it out. You know you're probably fucked. Yep.

Chris, am I up? You got two. Yeah, that's you. Oh, OK. Nice. I would say this is a layup, right? But I would say federally legalized marijuana. I mean, we're halfway there.

You're pandering. We're halfway there. Yeah. Well, I'm pandering. Yeah. Yeah, no. I mean, we're looking at about half our states. So it's legal recreationally or medicinally.

And we're just playing this stupid game. I hate to get serious. But I think one day we'll look back and look at this like prohibition. And it'll look really fucking stupid. I agree. But then overdoses are through the roof. And then you have to deal with that.

Oh, yeah. Overdoses. 80, 90,000 people die. You have some alcohol related deaths. And I love alcohol. But I mean, like, let's be serious. Are you saying that you can't, I mean, you can overdose. I think I read it.

If you ingested 13,000 pounds of pot in five minutes, you would overdose. You're saying that. It's not possible. It's a real threat. If you ate that much, you are a human Pac-Man. And you went out in a blaze of glory. You wouldn't even know what happened to you.

The paranoia would hit you so hard so fast. Yeah, it would. And then it would be just like unconsciousness. Yeah, maybe for smoking mids. I just got that loud like me. Yeah. That's like half an L. Yeah.

I don't even know if those are slang words. I don't either. They just sounded cool. It sounded really cool. I hear them in popular music. And then I repeat them. Coming out of your mouth, I was like, damn, P.T. is really cool.

Yeah, I know. I mean, like, I would say, are we moving on from that? Yeah, yeah, you get the next one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Golly, I would make it illegal for people not to wave cross in the street. What do you mean? You don't like to thank you wave?

No, I'm saying when people don't wave, they should go to jail. Oh, OK. I like that. Gotcha. Yeah, a little common courtesy. Yeah, and same when you're letting somebody in on traffic, like the zipper system.

Yep. Yeah. I'd like to thank you. That's a big time no, no, when you let someone in. Cut your hands off if they don't wave at you. Yeah. All right. You know what?

I'm going to get a little more serious with my third law. My third law is going to be put Darren Ravel in jail and throw away the key. Oh, god. No, can he tweet from prison? No, he keeps his Twitter account. Well, because I need to know exactly how many bars are in the prison cell and what that correlates to and what

happened in the year 1,100 because there are 1,100 iron bars. OK, that's OK. Because I was afraid there what you're going to say, because the second part of it is put Darren Ravel in jail and have Univision buy the Ravel Times and gut it. Oh, yeah. That's a really good one. He's actually not like his Twitter, is this a running joke?

It's so bad that it's good. Yeah. I actually think he's one of my top 10 funny followers. This is why you're going to make the Mount Rushmore. Yeah, we will bleep that for your own good. That's more, you could come on here and say anything political, but what you just said is going to make everyone turn on you. I'm sorry.

I think his Twitter is actually halfway interesting. And can I say something on the topic of Twitter? It's not a law that should be enacted. But don't you think you should have two timelines, like people that you courtesy follow and then people that you actually want to read their tweets? Stephen Hawking was a big fan of two timelines. Yeah.

Was he? Yeah. Well, fuck, we had a lot in common. Yeah, I like that idea. I like that. I also, I wouldn't hate just having everyone have to. No one can be anonymous. Yeah, or Twitter.

Yeah, I hate anonymous Twitter accounts. They're the absolute worst. I had one that I crossed out, but it was athlete should have to respond to every single tweet that's tweeted at them. I like that a lot. I heard you didn't you have an anonymous account and then somebody, what's the word? Docs.

Docs. What's the word? Yeah, I had an anonymous account. Did Britt McHenry doc you? Britt McHenry played a, yeah. Well, she also doc you as being the most unpatriotic person in the world because you only donate to charity for the tax cut.

I know, it's funny. It's funny. By the way, PFT, that's actually a pretty good law that you have to respond to everything. And I also, like just going off on a tangent here, I wouldn't hate if every time a player gets injured, they have to do a press conference for all of their fantasy owners.

Yes. Yes. Answer to them. All right, Hank, you're up. This would be a new law that I would want to create. But it would basically be that the entire internet across the entire country turns off for one hour a day. Oh, wow.

Some town time. So people need to learn how to live life without the internet. I like self care. Yeah. I like that. Like three in the morning. Like, it could vary.

It could be a different time each day. Okay, a floating time. But not during the bachelor, right? Definitely not during the bachelor. And if you're a racist dog Twitter account, maybe you take five hours off a day. Yeah, that's true. All right, PFT, you got two.

All right, my first one is going to be, it should be illegal for an athlete to refuse an invitation to the White House because you must respect the office of the presidency regardless of who is occupying it at the time. Sir, facts. But is it OK if you demand to see the president's birth certificate? And that's the reason you're not going.

Yeah, no, that's OK. Yeah, that's totally fine. I mean, come on, that's totally fine. People have questions. Common sense. I mean, I got to see your birth certificate. I'm not asking the questions, but people are asking questions. I've heard from many sources that this is a very real thing,

many law enforcement sources. My last one is this is a serious one. Every politician that turned a blind eye to Flint, Michigan should have their teeth knocked out with a steel head, with a steel head fence post driver. Oh, wow. Shout out mixtape. OK, nice.

Wow. All right. I can dig it. I'm also just pandering to you because you do the whole water thing. You make a big deal of water. I love water. Well, guess what?

I love water more than you because I think that every politician that turned a blind eye should have their teeth knocked out. That makes my fourth law look a little juvenile. But OK. I make it mandatory for companies to give at least three weeks vacations per year. Mm.

That's a great one. That'd be good for you. Yes. Well, no, that would be a cut in vacation for you. That's the last vacation. True. Yeah. But I'm looking out for the people.

Yeah, OK. All right. All right. My fourth law is simple. It's just bros before us. Good one. Like, you just can't. Just boys.

Yeah, like, you can't do that. Dicks before chicks. Right. Like, if we're just trying to chill with the boys, don't be like, oh, I'm going on a date with my son. Especially if it's a Saturday? Yeah. So, yeah, exactly.

Bros before us. Am I up? Yeah. Oh, yeah. You're up. I mean, like, I could go punitive and do, like, cutting in line or something. You know, it's another pet peeve.

Being rude to people in airports. But I'm going to go with this really utopian idea I had where every community has to have a big cookout every Sunday. And it's mandatory, even if the weather's shitty. We have those. It's called tailgates. You just play in the NFL, so you don't get to go to them. Well, what if you play in the NFL

and, like, every time you're getting ready to play a game, you're jealous of the people tailgating? It's not playing in the NFL. Yeah. Why don't you quit? Pussy. Pussy. That'll happen.

That will happen sooner than later. Be a real man and eat yourself to sickness every single Sunday. But I do think about y'all when I'm getting ready. I'm taking a torn all shot. I'm struggling to warm up, put my football pants on. I'm thinking, like, man, who's firing up the green egg out there? Oh, yeah.

Serious question. Are you just, like, a little bit jealous? Like, can you not wait to finally be able to get drunk, like, really, really drunk on a Saturday night? I cannot wait. On a Saturday night, all the cool shit happens on a fall Saturday night, and all my buddies hit me up.

And I get the worst phone most sitting in the hotel. I mean, one time, this was the worst thing that ever happened. Virginia Film Festival comes to Charlottesville. And they said Danny McBride was at my favorite bar just hanging out. Danny McBride was sitting there just hanging the fuck out. And I'm in a hotel room in, like, you know, God, in a buffalo. I think it was in Buffalo.

Wait, that's not bad. It was, it crushed me. I think it was a preseason game. You know, that's the type of shit I miss. I could have been having a drink with Kenny Powers. And I'm in a hotel. Oh, but instead, you have to be an NFL player. Damn.

That sucks. Dems the brakes. Well, yeah, well, you know, shortening our lifespans so you guys can tailgate and black out and not remember what happened during the game. Thank you for your service. I appreciate that. That actually was very nice.

Nice eloquent way to put it. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. All right, Chris, have a great 4th of July. Don't do any weird dog pictures in Montana, OK? No, definitely do more weird dog pictures. Let the dogs be in the picture. Don't Photoshop it.

I want to see more dogs Photoshopped. Oh, my God. I want to see, like, nine dogs. I want to see more dogs Photoshopped, the dog. You know what we might do is just Photoshop a wolf in there or something. We'll mix it up this year. So I'll send it to you guys.

A Harambe. Photoshop our sweet prince. Or we could Photoshop Harambe. He's always with us. Yeah. Yeah. Chris Long was brought to you by what Big Cat's about to say next.

Chris Long was brought to you by PFT asking me this next question. Big Cat, you had a great idea for something that you were going to put at the end of the show. A little treat to the customers out there. What did he say? Was that a Seeky question? That was a Seeky question. Oh, shit.

Wow. OK, nice. Use promo code TAKE. Yep. Get $10. Big Cat, what was the last sporting event you'd go to? It doesn't matter. Next one you go to, use promo code TAKE on Seeky.

Get $10 off. All right. So my question for you, the real Seeky question. Put TAKE. Get $10 off. Oh, yeah. Seeky question. I like it when people ask you if you say Seeky.

Yeah, Seeky. Who is the number one American of all time? Yeah, the goat American. Arnold Schwarzenegger. Well, he's from Austria. Oh, shit. I'm going to go with John Taffer. Yeah.

That's right. We were actually thinking of what can we throw in at the end for everyone to get ready for July 4th. And it is Taft Daddy, a little best of of the last time he came and visited us. He is the man, the myth, the legend, John Taffer. So everyone have a great July 4th, a safe July 4th. Don't blow off your fingers.

And we'll see you on July 5th with a nice big. Football in July episode. Also, if you do blow off your fingers, send us your hospital bracelet after you get out so we can reuse that and use it as an excuse. And God forbid one of us were to die before July 5th. Good news is we already recorded July 5th episode, so it's coming out no matter what.

Even if one of us is dead. If one of us dies like big pussy on the boat. It doesn't matter. The episode's coming out. That was actually, that was like right before you guys ruined the entire show for me. That part, that was really sad. Yeah, it was.

And then I was like really into it and then you guys just ruined the rest of the show and I never fucking finished it. I actually, we've been getting a lot of complaints recently about ruining Sopranos. It's nice when other people complain that you listen. That's really big of you guys. Hand up, this is the last time

that I will ever personally ruin the Sopranos. No more suppressed players. I don't believe you at all. All right, have a great 4th. Here's John Taffer. We'll see you guys on the 5th. Love you guys. All right, we now welcome on one of our favorite guests.

Recurring guest, John Taffer. He is a book writer now. You're an author. Second time, by the way. Oh, second time. Yes. Okay. Now you need to publish a book.

Yeah. Because you are filled with wisdoms. We have, we've edited a lot of Wikipedia pages. Yeah, I bet. But the book thing is next. So the book is don't bullshit yourself. Crush the excuses that are holding you back. First of all, strong title for a strong man.

I like that you had a swear word in there. You like that idea? Yes, I absolutely do. It's an attention grabber. It's one of those, you know, when you walk into a bar and you see something that you like, boom, this book just screams to you.

And can I just say, I do judge every book by its cover. Well, I don't blame you. It has to start there. Right. So, and I like this book already. So it's the number one seller on Amazon? It is right now. I can't believe it.

I'm blown away by it. All right, so I was thumbing through it last night. Uh-oh. Yep. And so you have like, you told a story about failed business deals. So you lost $600,000 in one of your first business deals. Can you tell that story?

So I created a sports bar in Chicago with this guy. And the guy I created the sports bar with was a scoundrel. I sort of know it. You know, cheats on his wife. You know, his young kids were sleeping everywhere. And somebody said to me, man, don't be partners with somebody who would cheat like that. Cause he'll screw you in a heartbeat.

So I went into business with the guy. I was young and stupid. So we didn't have all the paperwork done. And son of a gun, he ripped me off over 500 grand. Jesus. How does that happen? He just kind of, he took over your steak in the bar. He took over the, he took, yes.

In essence, he, I put dollars in it and I didn't get the equity for the dollars. So you seem like, I mean, you seem like an alpha guy. You probably see that in me and big cat couple of alphas in the studio. How do, how does one take you for 500 grand without getting the business in for me? Oh, there's ramifications of that for sure.

But you know, you have to do it in legal ways. Right. But, but you know, shame on me for partnering with a guy who I knew was a cheat. So, so what, what did you learn from that? Cause I, it's very easy. It's very easy for me to blame that on him. The fact is it was my fault.

You should have seen it coming. You bet. So I was also thumbing through the, well, I didn't thumb through the book. I read the table of contents, but credit to me for doing that. Your excuses that you listed are fear, knowledge, time, circumstances, ego, and scarcity.

Yes. What about the ultimate excuse, diarrhea? Well, obviously that's a fluid situation. So you want to deal with that in that kind of way. Absolutely. I would get a cork if I were you. I wanted to go back to the guy who, who scammed you for a second and trusting people.

What do you do now as your test on who you can trust and who you can't trust? Well, you and I friends. Yes. We've known each other a long time. Yes. I trust you. I know about you because I know who you are.

I know what you do. And I wouldn't let you clean my bedroom. I know that's not exactly your forte. But the fact of the matter is I know your character. You know, so I don't like to surround myself with people whose character I don't trust. Right, right. Do you have any like litmus tests?

Like, hey, this is. Well, I gotta tell you, since I went through that family thing with the cheating on us, that's a pretty serious one. Yeah. So I just don't want to, you know, if you're cheating someone else, Right.

Then, you know, I'm convinced you're gonna cheat me too. So you really want to do your homework. You wouldn't marry somebody you know nothing about. So don't partner with somebody you know nothing about. You know, go to his house, meet his family, meet his friends, know something about the guy before you partner up with him.

Yeah. I mean, I'm fast. You have the nightmare of Dave. Right. Yes. Absolutely. But I mean, it's true because I do trust Dave when the chips are down.

I do trust him. Because he is integrity. Right. And he cares. Right. And he might be an asshole. I didn't say that, but he might, some people might say that,

but I still trust him at the end of the day. He might not be an asshole. He just acts like one. Right, exactly. He plays one on television. Yes. But I find it interesting because it is one of the parts of doing business.

You know, everyone talks about business, your ROI and all this shit, but at the end of the day, it comes down to who you're partnered with. It is. The people you surround yourself with. And it's all revenue. You know, people can say my labor cost is high,

my marketing expense is high, my content cost is high, my production cost is high. But if our revenues went up 30%, you wouldn't be saying any of those things. So where business people blow it is they focus on the dimes, not the dollars. You guys are good at driving revenue, driving content.

That's why you're successful. The expenses work when you have a lot of revenue. Right, right. We cancel a lot of flights. We miss a lot of flights. Yes. That's kind of the price that you pay for doing business with this.

Yes, I guess so. So I also saw that you dedicated the book to your wife. I did. So kind of a man-card situation there. But you also said that she never doubted you even when you doubted yourself. That's right. When did you last doubt yourself?

Whew. You know, my first book, I've never written a book before guys, to think 10 years ago that I would write a book was an astronomical reach. So when that book, my first book made the Wall Street Journal the Seller List. That sort of blew me away.

Not to brag. You know? Yeah, but I doubted it. I didn't expect it to be so successful. This book is another one. I mean, who would ever think that it would be number one on Amazon? I completely doubted it.

I did. So I'm gonna thank you, buddy. But I marketed the hell out of it. I've been all over the city. I've been the mediators from everything from Barstool Sports to Dr. Phil. Everything I can think of, because I didn't believe in it to this degree.

And it's shocking. But you know what I learned is, and you'll find this interesting, I've done 159 bar rescues. You're doing 162 with me. The 162nd episode is yours. Yeah, and that'll be my third. And that'll be your third.

So you've been there with me. You know how it works. You know how real it is. You know that it's not bullshit. Absolutely. That it's completely real. Oh, I took that Jell-O shot in St. Louis. It was a Jell-O pudding shot.

We paid the price for that. Yes, that was very real. And those brisket nachos that made me wanna puke. That was very real. It wasn't a Jell-O shot. It was actually from the Jell-O, not the... It was Jell-O pudding. Okay, because I've heard of Jell-O shots

that were always like vodka. It was Jell-O pudding shots. It was disgusting. It was so gross. Brisket nachos. Brisket with a memory. Let them with a last memory, if you will. Back to the diarrhea.

We're making full circles. Exactly, yeah. So when I did about 120 of them, I realized that whenever I ask anybody why they're failing, they never say me. They always blame something else. Right, ah, fricking that side. That's sort of a bitch did it.

Or my employees stink or my... And I realized everybody's got a fucking excuse for their shortcomings. So I realized, okay. So if the common denominator of failure amongst all these hundred... Is an excuse, what the fuck is an excuse? So I sit down, it took me a month

to actually figure this out. An excuse is a rationalization of a mistake. You like Siddhartha sitting underneath that tree. Okay. I think it took him about... You didn't do something you should've. We made a lousy fucking choice. If it wasn't one of those three things,

you would never say the excuse. Okay. So every time we come up with an excuse, it makes us feel good about something we should feel bad about. Yes. Right? So we should be fucking pissed that we blew it.

So it's a defense mechanism in your own brain that says, hey, you're not the problem. It's everybody else. Okay, well a coach can do that. Yeah. NFL players can do that. Pass, fucking suck. Well, if you're only four inches over,

you wouldn't be saying that now, would you? True. So Tom Brady can't throw and catch the ball. Can he can't? No, that's what his Giselle said. He can't, well, and he can't. He cannot catch the ball. Yeah, he proved that.

So my point is this, so if excuses are what paralyze everybody and hold this back, then what are the biggest excuses? Fear. Yes. Think about you, buddy. You're on radio, you're in national,

you're all over the place. You could have this time. But you overcome it. No, but you say, so I actually wrote this down. Fear is a motivator because that struck me because that is something I always talk about myself. That I wake up every morning being like, what if today is the day that everyone's like,

ah, he's not funny anymore? And it's like, you gotta keep evolving for that. So you gotta make sure you are. Right. You gotta work harder at it. Are we freaking dead? Right. It's not easy.

And I think a lot of people like fear shuts them down. But I, I like being afraid. Right. So do I, it's an inspiration to me. But think about this, when people are scared of something, if they just think for a minute, hundreds of thousands of people have already dealt with it.

So the fear is bullshit. It's just not fucking real. Right. Then you look at the next one. I love this one, Ego. You ever noticed that people with the biggest ego have the thinnest fucking wallet? Ooh.

Interesting. Right? Cause he doesn't listen to anybody. Ego gets in the way that typically not very successful. Right. Right. And then I love time. Time is a great one.

That's the third one in a book. You know, I didn't have the time. You know, if it was important to you, you would have made the fucking time. So you're not saying you didn't have the time. What you're saying is you blew it the fuck off. Or it's not a priority. Or it's not important to you.

Ooh. Good thing you blew me off. Good thing you came in today. Yeah, cause yesterday. Cause you were gonna do it on the phone and that would have, your time, you would have shown me that the time wasn't worth it for us.

Well, I came in. You did? You came in? Yeah. That's exactly right. But I was gonna do it for you on the phone because they don't want to let you down. So as a fallback, I would at least get on the phone.

Yes. But you know, I love you buddy. Yeah, absolutely. And you showed up. What about if you're tired? Like that's a good excuse. I'm tired. What if you're tired?

So it was one more hour of working to fucking kill you? Yeah. Well, I mean like, all right. In Japan, they work sometimes 18 hour days and they end up dying at the desk. Yeah. What if I was up to like two AM smoking weed and playing Call of Duty

and then I wake up and I'm tired. So then your excuse is I'm a dirtbag. No. No. No, he was being a troupe. Yeah, I was just protecting our country on the virtual reality of Call of Duty. So we're back to time.

You didn't have the time to do it would have made your life better. You used that time to sit on the couch, get high and watch your football game. Okay, but at what point do I get time for myself? But I know you. There was chocolate cake involved in this somewhere. No.

I'm on a diet. I'm on a diet. Actually, you're looking good. Thank you. I didn't go that out of you, but thank you. What if you can't make it somewhere because Dantro-Willis is pitching and you really want to watch him pitch.

So that's another class. So you blew off work for pleasure. Yeah. Yeah, something like that. I mean, if that's what your choice is, that's cool. Just understand that's what your choice is. Be honest with yourself. It's not an excuse.

It's a fricking choice. I chose to blow it off and go see the game. When you say fear, I kind of hear almost like. Which by the way, I'm going to do it tomorrow night. What do you do? I'm blowing off a professional dinner to go to the night's game. Oh, okay.

But that's a choice. That's another choice. It's for the cop. That's what you get to say in April. You say it's for the cop. You think I'm crazy? Well, it's the Caps here. Are you a little bit afraid of the Washington Capitals?

No, I'm more afraid of Tampa Bay. Oh, okay. Yeah, it's probably fair. But it's the Caps here. It just turned. No, I think in Nashville that was a little bit worrying. What do you think about a website that just has every menu in America,

but it's the pictures of the food? I think that's really a good idea. Some of the people are playing with 3D menus now. Will you see the item on a menu? I like that. And you can spin it around. And then you can eat it. So it's actually just the food?

You can try. Just an image. The thing is really you can do a 3D menu where you just bring out all the food. Yeah. Well, you could do that. That's pretty good as well. Digitally, a holographic menu.

Yeah, the holographic menu. I like that because if you're on a diet, you can fake like you're eating it. You feel like you're full. So I gotta give you a holographic fork, then. Yes. So we make this work. Is a restaurant?

And then you have holographic diarrhea. Is that what happens? Yeah, holographic. Yeah, servers and holographic excuses. Actually, my whole life's a holograph. Is a restaurant classier if it has pictures on the menu? No. Disagree.

Agree to disagree. So you're just a Denny's guy straight out. No, I like to see the food. Like, I don't know what it's going to look like. You're not exactly the epitome of class, man. Yeah, but I went to a farm to table place three weeks ago and I didn't know what any of the shit was. And then it came out and it was, I was like, I don't want this.

But the minute they put a picture on a menu, they're going to have to, they can't go past like $12 per. But what about an extra? What about a $12 box? But Cheesecake. And you can get it. Yeah, you can get a T-Bone. But Cheesecake Factory, the menu's a book.

But Cheesecake Factory's a very unique operation. There's only a few of them. They do about $11 million a year each or more. But it's a very, very unique place. You can't put one on every corner. Except Brown Bread. Except Brown Bread. Except Brown Bread does it.

They put it in the stuff too. What if we just give an option, though? Like, you know how there's, you know, a handicap table or? OK, what's the way to do it? Here's the option that you can have to see all the food. Here's what's going to happen with digital menus, I think. We're going to look at a menu. We're going to see stuff listed.

OK. So it doesn't have the picture to cheapen it. When I touch the item, I'll see the picture. Again, you get an option. And then it'll disappear. You just stole my idea. So I can see it when I want to. You just stole my idea.

But you don't want to open a menu with pictures, because that's sort of a breakfasty kind of thing. You stole my idea. No, I just outthought your fucking idea. That's what I did. This is bullshit. I can't just get a little bit of cash when you make this idea. You know what?

If we make this money, you're in. OK. All right. He took the idea. I wanted a veneer of class to it. That's all you need. You need to hang out with dirtbags like us a lot, and then just kind of put a spit shine on all of our ideas.

So you're saying that Dan does not have a veneer of class? No, I'm saying that we pride ourselves on being probably the least classy people that you'll ever meet in your life. And that's a lot of the reason why you guys are so successful. True. If you tell people you're super unclassy, then if you just do something that's like kind of classy,

they're like, holy shit. Yeah, you get some roses. And you're like, oh, man, PFT, what about your bar idea? All the different bars. So I got two different ones here for you. The first one, this is brand new, and I thought of it this morning. This is a bar.

It's a cross from a high school, our middle school. And it's called Detention. Yeah. There we go. And it's only for teachers. Only teachers go there. Because if you know teachers, they like to throw a few back. They are big drinkers.

And it's staffed by former students. Only former students can work there, so the teachers get to go get the drink service. It's got to be former students who hate the school. No, no, it's for the teachers. It's got to be a strip club. And the former students that really hated the school and dropped out.

I think that could work. Years ago, we did a bar outside in New Orleans. And I called it the Annex. And then I named the drinks like Catcher and Arrai after all these books. So when they got their receipt, it said the Annex on the top. And everything listed was the name of a book. So it looked like they went to the bookstore.

So their parents did. But in fact, they were drinking in a bar. I like that. But seriously, teachers hate some of their former students. I think it'd be great if they could go to a bar and have some of the fuck up, serve them alcohol. I'm into the whole grudge match thing. Yeah, that's good.

The other one that I had was it's a bar. But what you walk inside, and you know how Hibachi restaurants have the different stations set up? It's like that, except those are all different bars. So you can go sit down at a table. Everyone has their own table with their own bartender. You have one that's like an Irish bar even inside.

You have one that's like a karaoke bar. What were some of the other ones? The food court of bars. Yeah, my living room. Yeah, there's couches. Yeah, there's a living room bar. But the premise is. We've actually done it.

I hate, really? I've actually done it. Because I hate the other one. We built something in Minneapolis years ago called Mississippi Live. And you walk through nine different venues. I did another one called The Hub in Fargo, where we walked through, I think it was 11 venues.

So it was a country-western room. There was a rock room called Monkey Bar. There was a concert venue. There was a sports bar. There was a, so what you're talking about is a multi-venue. A little bit. You're halfway towards my idea. The main part of my idea is we hate standing up,

and we hate waiting in lines. So the premise of this is you just get to sit at the bar. It's a smaller place, but there are like five or six different bars so that everybody gets a seat. They have their own bartender. So what happens when you're successful and people are three deep at the bar again? You tear down the wall and you hide the next door area.

The fact of the matter is your idea works if there's no customers there. The minute I'm busy, it doesn't work. I gotta tell you, we make fun of each other a lot, but I love you. But I do shit myself. Yes, you do. But I love you by the way.

Yes, I love you too. I pooped myself while I was asleep the other week. Does that count? Yeah, I think so. OK, boom. Were there pants on? There weren't pants on. Bar sign says I shit myself.

So the whole question is, are you solid or fluid today? That's the whole fucking deal with you. All right, John Tapper, thank you so much as always. Good to be here, buddy. Take me on, take me on, take me on, take me on, take me on, take me on, take me on, take me on, take me on, take me on, take me on, take me on, take me on, take me on. I'll be gone in a day or two. He lets me say, I'm on Sunday, but he's still a little way. Telling them that life is OK, say unto me, it's no better to be safe than sorry.

Take on me, take me on, I'll be gone in a day.