Pardon My Take - NFL Week 1, Fastest 2 Minutes, Recap Of Every Game + Football Guy Of The Week

Episode Date: September 9, 2019

Football is back and we're trying out something new. No guest on Monday's in the fall. We start with the Fastest 2 minutes then get into a recap of every Sunday Game with overreactions and weird tangents (2:2 8 - 9:34). Antonio Brown is a Patriot and Mike Tomlin deserves an apology (9:34 - 73:39). Who's back of the week (73:39 - 80:45) Football Guy of the Week. The debut of our newest segment "Do Your Pod" and Stay Classy Philly for fighting Sixers player Mike Scott (80:45 - 94:24)You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/PardonMyTake

Hey, pardon my take listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen, ad-free, on Amazon Music. On today's part in my take, week one recap, the fastest two minutes are coming up, and we have no guest. Is this the first time we've done no guest, ever? I think we did it right after the Masters when we just got started. That's right.

Yeah. That's right. So a throwback, but here's the deal. We have no guest to actually explain it once we start the show. But we have no guest. We're going to do all football all the time. We're going to whip around the whole league. We're going to talk about college football.

We got some segments. We got who's back. We got a packed show, and it's going to start with the fastest two minutes right after I talk about the Cash App. Pardon my take is brought to you by the Cash App. The Cash App is the most powerful way to send, spend, and save. You already know the Cash App is the number one finance app in the App Store. What you might not know is that you can also put Cash App in your wallet with the Cash

Card. It's the only debit card that offers instant rewards and comes packed with premium features not even a credit card can offer. Like Boosts. You can get up to 10% off your entire purchase at DoorDash and even save every time you shop at Whole Foods or Target, plus more of your favorite places. Check out all the Boosts available to you right from your Cash Card and use them instantly when you swipe with your Cash Card.

The Cash Card has no fees and a credit check isn't required to get one. Most instant savings when you add a Boost. Cash App is also the easiest way to buy, sell, and deposit Bitcoin. Most Bitcoin exchanges take days for a bank transfer to become investable. Through the Cash App it takes seconds, invest as little as $1 and boom, you own Bitcoin. Welcome to the club. Download the Cash App now and get your Cash Card for free. Visit the App Store or Google Play Store now and of course when you download the Cash

App and enter the referral code BARSTOOL, you'll receive $5 and the Cash App will send $5 ASPCA, a true win-win, so download the Cash App today. Okay, let's go. It's part of my tip presented by Barstool Sports. Welcome to the club. I'm so proud of you. Presenting by the Cash App. Go download it right now.

Use code BARSTOOL $5 for free. $5 to ASPCA. September 9th, week one. We start in North Carolina. Come on, raise up, take your shirt off, twist around your head, spin it round like a helicopter. Sean McVape called the jewel of a game and had the clout while Eric Weddle had all the drip with more blood on his face than Patrick Chung after a long weekend in New Hampshire. Christian By One, Get One, McCaffrey had two TDs and Ron Jeremy Rivera scored but couldn't

finish as the Pussycats were the ones that got rammed. Rams 30, Panthers 27. Some spread. In Cleveland town where the Super Bowl champ Browns took the field against the Titans with a guillotine ready to drop on Mike Vrables' manhood. Friday Kitchen Nightmares was absolutely chubbous, isn't it? With the Browns unable to get the running game going and the offense overall didn't have enough juice, landry.

Mayfield could only muster up a baker's dozen points despite the fact that Odell Beckham had enough carrots on his wrist to make this game a piece of cake. Derrick Henry Hill and Marcus Ray Leota were good fellas as they left hands of heist in all the joy from the upstart problems. Spartans 43, Browns 13. What's going on with the Reds? To Florida where the stud thoroughbred with a Lombardi trophy hanging between his legs, Nick Foles had to be shot after a first-quarter injury.

Sammy Sweetheart Watkins proved that you'd never find love at the Jacksonville shore as the Jags have to hit the Jim Tan bath salts in order to compete with the AFC's best. Doug Morone, Miles Jack Duff got kicked out of the game for acting like someone called him a Fredo in the backyard of DJs in Belmar. The league MVP Patrick Mahomes had 378 yards and three touchdowns and an impressive win for more from Patrick. We take it down to Patrick. Patrick, you know, I thought we played pretty well down there.

See, he's the real McCoy. You say I don't look past, I threw up into the third row. That one was my bad. That's on me. But it's pretty heckin' tough to keep your eyes on Travis Kelsey. When you got all them Jags fans up there in the pool wearing their niftiest dungarees. Man, I was tickle-picked to see Garner Minstrel and his little flavor saver mustache there. Can't even begin to tell you how much ketchup I'd get caught in that little womb room

if I had one. Hey Patrick, you got some height 57 stuck on your lap. Heck yeah, I do. I'm saving myself a little bit for a midnight snack. Thanks Patrick. Chiefs 40. Jaguar's 26. We stay in Florida where once upon a time in Hollywood Brown was spritin' Tarantino

through the Dolphins' defense with great footwork. And Lamar Samuel L. Jackson asked, do you know what they call a quarter pounder with cheese in Miami? A 50 burger. As a quarterback, didn't it look like a bitch or a wide receiver on Sunday? Shout out Bill Pulley. The bastard child of killed Bill Belichick, Brian Flores, had an glorious debut and the film session will surely be lit like a flamethrower as not even the bear Jew, Josh Rosen, could save

this movie from turning into a remake of the Cove. Japanese fisherman 59. Dolphins 10. What happened to the Dolphins, boom? They could go, oh, never mind. In San Diego where Marlins Man Max stood out on television as a star of the show and T. Y. Quilton stayed hot despite blanket coverage. Melvin Gordon Bombay was directed to stay away from his team, but that didn't stop Phil

Rivers from throwing three mighty ducks to the end zone. He's getting there, switching back and forth between Keenan Ray Allen and Austin Eckler. The cults are shit out of luck as they fall in overtime, 30, 24. In the meadowlands where Frank Al Gore grounded the Jets due to their excessive carbon emissions, Sam was much too young to feel this darn old for a second-year player. Live on Saved by the Bell, screeched back into the NFL, but the Jets did the least of total down the stretch, losing the game late in the fourth, and Teage, no one circles the wagons like the Buffalo Bills.

Bell 17, Jets 16. Up to the Pacific Northwest where Louis C.K. Metcalf was really feeling himself, but it was a Seattle defense that was able to zip up the Red Rocket to seal the victory. Zach Efron Taylor's coaching debut ended up extremely wicked, shockingly evil and vile, and the new look Bengals are the same old bungles as they fall late to the Seahawks, 21, 20. He's matriculating the ball down the field to the Great White North where Dalvin Cookie Monster was eating up yards left and right. Miwa touched out.

Miwa lots of carrots. Miwa make everyone happy. Otherwise, Matt Coach and the Reed will take my cookie. Above average, Kirk Cousins lit it up going 8 for 10 for 98 yards and finally got a win against a 500 team, the 0 and 0 Atlanta Falcons. Vikings 28, 30 birds, 12. 49ers 31. Buckethears 17.

Hit the cannon, Teej. In the big D where Dak Prescott Van Pelt is making Jerry Jones look like a huge penis for not giving him that big extension. Jason Quinten escaped a John Wilkes Monday night football booth before being assassinated, scoring a 69th career touchdown in style with the robot dance. Everybody do the robot. Everybody do the robot boom. Don't know what we got though, Mr. Footballer.

Randall Cobb salad with shaking and bacon making the New York secondary look like blue Swiss cheese. And what else can you say about Eli Manning, but... Cowboy 35, the New York football Giants 17. And we're back. It feels so good to be back. It feels great to be back. Week one, almost in the books, we still got two Monday night games, which they always

should have two Monday night games, but you don't have to get mad about that because we have all the football in front of us. It was a glorious week one. We have a special part of my take. We're doing something new this fall. We're going to try it out. So let us know what you think. We love feedback.

We love, you know, getting feedback and fixing the show and doing things for the show to make it better for you. If you really like this one, just tell us. Suck my dick. Yeah, no, no, no. Don't do that. Don't do that. No guests on today's show because we're going to focus on football and football only.

We will maybe have guests on Mondays if something big happens or we have a huge guest that we have to get out in a timely fashion, but we're going to give this a shot. Really, the guest is the spirit of football in this show. Yes. And also the fact that we're so narcissistic that we think that we know more about football than any guest that we could have on. Well, here's the honest truth of it. We figured that when we have guests on Mondays, usually we feel like we didn't get to talk

about all the games the way we wanted to. And then we dropped like a two hour podcast and we feel like that was, that's a burden on you. So we're going to give you all the football, all you want. Let us know what you think. Also, if you want to watch us, pardon my take, uh, gold barstoolgold.com slash PMT. Hi. Hi.

So let's do it. So here's what we're going to do. If you have any negative feedback about the show, the person who's in charge of that is all business Pete. Yes. And he's got him and he's got the new NHL codes. That's so cool. He's got the NHL Xbox one and PSPS four codes asking for those codes.

That's pretty great. And the FIFA codes coming up. Okay. So here's what we're going to do. We're going to whip around the league. We're going to go. We're going to touch on every game. We're going to overreact because that's the best part about week one.

My favorite part about week one is whatever you see, that is what's going to happen for the rest of the year. Even though we have years and years of evidence that that's not the case, but that's how our brains work. Absolutely. I think if you don't overreacting, you're not really reacting in this league. Yeah. So perfect team.

It's perfect game to start with our overreactions. Titans Browns. Yes. The Browns stink. They stink. The Titans. It looks like Mike Verbal is going to have to chop his dick off because the Titans defense looked as good as any team.

Very good. In the league. Well, here's the thing with the Browns, all the hype, all the talk and we're Baker guys and I actually do believe the Browns are going to be fine. But the one thing we kind of forgot with all this hype, oh, they have Odell, oh, Freddie Kitchen is a Baker, you know, whisperer, oh, Baker's going to be unbelievable. Having an offensive line is actually important in the NFL. It does help.

Browns offensive line stinks and then Greg Robinson got kicked out for kicking a player in the face. There are two problems with the Browns. One is the offensive line. I think the second is the burden of having expectations. Yes. And that is a city that does not know what to do with expectations and to be honest, I don't blame them coming from a fan base in the Washington, our words that never has

expectations. You get confused sometimes when you when you think you're in love, right? And you overreact to things and you start making plans for the future. We need to slow down a little bit and Cleveland. That's OK. Baker had his game where you know what he's doing? He's putting a little food in Colin Coward's dish. Oh, fuck you.

Coward say, hey, Cal, go ahead, you eat up for a little bit. You get one week of nourishment. So it sucks. The coward is just smiling ear to ear and he's like, oh, I got my whole show set up. Here's the thing. The one thing I will say about the Browns, Browns fans, don't do what you've been doing. I've seen it on Twitter where you say, well, it's the Browns and we, we, no one really thought they were going to be that good.

No, you did. Don't don't be ashamed of it. We are a pro Browns podcast. We have your back. It's OK to have high expectations and have them just completely flame out in the first week. It's a long season. I do think that this is a case of like we talked all off season about the Browns.

The Browns continue to say, it's OK. We don't buy in our own hype. You kind of did. And you know how I know you did? You had 18 penalties for 182 yards. It's not great. That is a team that bought their hype because you have those types of games where everything goes wrong and you basically shoot yourself from the foot over and over.

That to me means it's a team that thought they could just roll out the helmets and kick the shit out of the Titans. Yeah. No, I agree. One other thing from that game that I thought was laugh out loud funny was just the visual of Jim Nance showing up in Cleveland. It's Jim Nance walking around Cleveland. Dude, how weird was that?

And he hated it there. It was very it was obvious that he didn't like the Browns. He didn't like the city. He probably went through like six bottles of Purell just like walking around just like doused. He took showers and hand sanitizer the entire weekend. He was making fun of Freddie Kitchens for being a former used car salesman. It's like Jim Nance.

Do you know you golf every single day? Right. You drive a golf cart that's basically a used car that you're puttering around in all the time. That is the perfect encapsulation of the Browns hype. The fact that they sent Jim Nance and Tony Romo there week one and I think Browns fans were even shocked. Like, wait, what?

Yeah. This is OK. This is uncomfortable. O'Dell's watch. Do you like it or no? A kid to leave his guy be licking his lips. Just like that. Holy shit.

Like that. It was worth $200,000. Yeah. It was. Yeah. 250 or something. Then like 500. Jesus Christ.

I can't wait till it smashes on the sideline. Freddie Kitchen will prop. No, actually, no, I don't think he'll do anything. I think he saw Antonio Brown stuff, which we're going to get to get to all that. But the other thing I wrote down was I am now making a new rule. New rule. I just came up with the phrase new rule whenever Mike Vrable is underestimated, bet on him. I feel like this happens every single time the Titans were like the Titans think they're

you know their offense is boring. Yeah. Marcus Marriott is in the guy. They did it last year when they played the Patriots. I feel like Mike Vrable is a perfect guy who can get his team up for games like that. Yeah. And Derek Henry played really well. And when my other takeaway from that was when Derek Henry runs with the ball for long

distances, he looks like he has to go to the shitter. Yeah. He's got this like little fat guy waddle to him, but he goes fast. It's like a fat guy with the most explosive diarrhea that you've ever seen in your life. Yeah. So in the long run, he's actually pretty quick, but he does not run like a fast guy. The good news for the Browns will end the Browns Titans with this. Good news for Browns fans.

Your next game won't be on national television in front of everyone. Wait, wait, wait, who are they playing? Playing the Jets. I'm on a football. Okay. Well, at least it's the Jets. So there's that. That's going to be.

Yeah. Loser leaves town. The loop. Circle it. Circle it. Bakers undefeated against the Jets. Circle it. Loser leaves town.

All right. Wait, is Baker healthy? He had a pretty much broken hand afterwards. It was wrapped up. True. He's healthy. No, I'm not going to do that. As a Baker guy, he's going to fix it.

He's fine. He's Cleveland. Come on. Cleveland. Oh, you got off your, you got off all your jokes. Didn't you? No, I'm just saying you got off all your jokes. I'm just saying.

Maybe I need to leave my wallet at whatever their stadium is. Next game we're doing Ravens, Dolphins, Yikes, Yikes, Yikes is the best way to put it. Lamar Jackson is the new Joe Flacco and not in the fact that he is, he's better than Joe Flacco, but in the fact that everyone sees what they want to see with Lamar Jackson. So when Lamar Jackson does well, the victory laps people were taking on Twitter was obscene. And if he does poorly the next game, the victory laps that people will say that he's not really a good quarterback, good passing quarterback will be obscene. He's in his second year and played what, like eight games or nine games.

He had an unreal game, uh, five touchdowns, 17 for trade. They kept on just going to red zone and it was just a wide open guy, usually Hollywood Brown scoring for the Ravens. I, I can't remember a game quite like this where it, it was like a college game. Well, you can't, I don't think that you can watch this game and say that Lamar Jackson isn't a good passer. No, he was very good with the Dolphins events was right. That's true.

But like he was a good passer. Correct. He was hitting long throws. Short throws. He was hitting like the intermediate, the touch passes. I know what you're saying and that, and that it will, it will always be a litmus test. It'll be week to week for how he does. Right.

He has like one bad throw and people will be like, see, I told you, and then he has one great, great throw. Oh my God. Look at this throw. But also the Ravens adapted their offense this off season by finally signing somebody that can play wide receiver, which helps, which is something, nothing that they've ever done in the history of the Ravens. I'm just saying that this is Lamar Jackson, the, the, uh, the like Twitter dialogue is

insufferable. Both ways. Can we say it's toxic? Both ways. It's so fucking annoying. Like, let's just watch this guy play and we can make an assessment. Maybe when he plays 16 games in the NFL, but he was unbelievable. The concern at this point is can he do enough with his legs?

Is he fast? Is he a good enough running quarterback or is he just like one of those statue guys that goes back there and, and carves you up? It's a good question. The dolphins. Yes. You're dolphins. You're Miami dolphins.

First of all, I feel bad for Josh Rosen. I don't think, I think Josh Rosen will, uh, when his career is done, we'll look back and be like, that guy had the worst situations possible. He got in and gave us Josh Rosen stat, stat line one for three, five yards. I love that he managed to squeeze that one in there for us. We needed it. Yeah. But you're Miami dolphins.

You're seven win Miami dolphins. Seven and nine. Yeah. You said they'd win seven games. We'll get to 59 to 10. Find me seven games. Let me just say about the dolphins real quick. They've never fully recovered from Bobby Petrino.

We are still living in the wake of Bobby Petrino. Once he fucks you over, if you're a football team, if you're a woman, you're going to be left with some incurable disease for at least the next 15 years. Fair. That's how the guy works. The dolphins are still reeling from that. If they do go on 16, I'd like to make a motion that everybody, every player in the NFL gets to smash a bottle of Dom Perignon on Mercury Morris's pelvis.

I think if they go on 16, you should have to get an own 16 dolphins tattoo because you said they're going to win. On my stomach. Yes. Unforgotten. Un undefeated. Yes. The five me seven wins.

Okay. All right. Let me look at the schedule real quick. They are so fucking bad. Okay. So the dolphins can still get. I'm not done with this take yet. Patriots at dolphins.

Okay. That's easy. Dolphins always manage when a game against Patriots, right? Heck. Always happens. Okay. So that's one. Then they go to the Cowboys.

That's probably a loss. Just give me the wins. Okay. Okay. Chargers at dolphins. Chargers are going east. Yeah. There you go.

Nice. Redskins at dolphins. Yeah. I'm going to take the dolphins on that one. Okay. At the bills. Probably not going through the list here. Just give me the wins.

At the Steelers, it's going to be an Antonio Brown revenge game because he'll be traded to the dolphins by then. Yep. So that's another one. They're going to be the Jets at home. They're going to be like three. Maybe that one of them include is talking about the Patriots who might not lose a game this year.

They're going to be the Eagles at home again, going east. Oh, also, here's what I'm forgetting. Ryan Fitzpatrick, the great part about Ryan Fitzpatrick. He's played on so many teams that he has so many revenge games built into every schedule that he has. Okay. Jets. Revenge game.

Boom. There's one. Bill's twice. Revenge game. There's two more right off the top of my head. Ryan Fitzpatrick officially threw a touchdown. When he threw his touchdown for the dolphins today, he's thrown a touchdown for one quarter of the league.

That was the first. That was it. It's an unbelievable stat. Only Ryan Fitzpatrick to do that. Okay. He also had, what is it? Interception for a different team as well. So it's most all times for any quarterback.

Okay. I'll make it real simple for you. Two wins against the bills, two wins against the Jets for the revenge games. The Patriots because. Even in joking manner. They always built. You can't find someone. They always beat them.

Bangles revenge game. The Browns because the Browns will have already locked up the number one seed by November 24th. There you go. Boom. Seven wins. Seven wins for my dolphins. Oh, and good news for the dolphins.

The locker room is now saying that they all want to be traded. Every single one of them. There's a big mutiny going on. Literally every single one of them wants to be traded. Just yeah. Why not? Yeah. And the thing is if you, I was actually going through the dolphins roster and my general

rule of thumb is as many players on a team as you can name within five seconds. Kiko Alonso. That's typically as many wins as they'll have that season. Kiko Alonso. Right. Patrick. Josh Rosen. There you go.

Three wins. Three and 13. Okay. There we go. R7 and nine. All right. Next game. I fucking hate the Falcons.

I'm done with the Falcons. I fucking hate the Falcons. You can't quit. They are the most frustrating team I've ever watched, ever bet on. I bet on them pretty much every single week because every single week I'm like Matt Ryan, Julio Jones, Calvin Ridley, Devonte Freeman. If you can, the same principle, you can name all these offensive stars and they fucking suck and they do the same thing every time.

The Red Zone flips to the Falcons. They're going in for a touchdown and then they either fumble or, you know, get stuffed on a third down. They are so fucking bad. It's not even Sarkeesian anymore. Right. It's not even Sarkeesian anymore. The only time I want to see the Falcons on Red Zone is when Mohammed Sadinu is throwing

a pass. They're so, they're the most frustrating team in the world. If you're a Falcons fan, I feel bad for you. And I don't even know. I mean, I have to be done with them. I have to go. I have to go to rehab to quit betting on the Falcons. It's basically the Seahawks when after they lost on the pages, it's true.

Also, yeah, go ahead. True though. Well, it's a little bit true. It's extremely true. Let's not take anything away. They never been the same. Let's not take anything away from the Vikings though because the Vikings looked awesome and not only do they have a running back in Dalvin Cook, who was phenomenal, but they

figured out the key to Kirk Cousins. Don't let him actually play quarterback. Yeah. He only threw 10 passes. Kirk Cousins is one in a lifetime when throwing for under 100 yards and eight for 10, 98 yards. I love it. Less is more with them. That's how Kirk Cousins is.

And listen, he is the perfect quarterback in this situation for Mike Zimmer. Mike Zimmer would rather not even have players. He'd rather just go out on a field, get angry for a couple hours, do some red man, and then walk off the field with a win. I don't think he likes anybody that he coaches. He just likes outcomes. And with Kirk Cousins, the less you can play for Mike Zimmer, the happier he's going to be with you.

It's so perfect that that was a convincing win for the Vikings. Then you looked up Kirk Cousins stats. You're like, wait, what? He threw 10 times? Yep. Oh, actually, the key for Kirk Cousins is to make sure that the quarterback doesn't play quarterback. Exactly.

That's the, that is the God's honest. It's genius. The best of Vikings. So I think the, I think the defense is pretty good. No, they, they look, they're, they are one of those classic teams that the two years ago, they obviously had a phenomenal season and then they, what was that year? Oh, no, no, no. They won the Minnesota miracle, obviously, and then they got the shit kicked out of them

by the Eagles and it felt like all of last year was a hangover. And then the roster is kind of the same. They have all this talent. And so now it's a new year, fresh. Don't let Kirk Cousins throw the ball, even though he's your quarterback and Dalvin Cook is healthy and do the whole thing. Last year was an entire hangover that, that comes along with having the human hangover of Kirk Cousins on your team.

He's just around. Like a bit. Here's, he is a perfect analogy for a hangover because at the end he'll like kind of wake you up a little bit. Usually towards the end of games and be like, okay, this isn't so bad where I got through it. And then you start feeling sick again. You're like, fuck, I need to, I need a cheeseburger or something.

The best thing that Kirk Cousins has ever done is that game where he said, you like that, which is the most Kirk Cousins catchphrase of all time. And the reason why you like the reason why he was, uh, why, why that was a big deal was because he went down like 21, nothing in the first three quarters and then came back in your breath. 24 to 21. Uh, all right. Bill's jets.

Josh Allen's awesome. Yeah, that's about it. That's all I got for that game. The bills actually dominated this game from statistical standpoint, but they just turned the ball over. I'll say this. Josh Allen had the best four turnover performance that you can have as a quarterback. Yeah.

So our friend Warren Sharp had a stat three, uh, in three turnovers when you're, when a team is minus three in turnovers and one of those turnovers is a return for a touchdown, they were O and 18 last year when in, in all time, it's like a 2% win probability. So that just means Josh Allen defies all odds. Well, also they're, uh, they're kicker on the jets. It's going to be an issue. Pray for Mike Greenberg. That's all I'm going to say.

Mike Greenberg did the ultimate thing where he was online today, complaining about the jets after the game. He said, this will be the last thing that I say about the jets. And then he stepped away for like 30 minutes and he just can't help himself and go back at it. So Jets super triggered. If you're listening, Carly Lloyd's out there, are you worried about these two, uh, behemoths in the AFC East tank?

They looked awesome. I would be the thing that makes it easier is that Josh Allen seems like he's running out of the pocket and just getting smoked by linebackers every single time he, he. So what is that? Yeah. Well, I'm worried about his health. Oh, okay. I'm worried about his health.

The way he was playing. No, dude, he just is a reckless. He was playing reckless. This, by the way, is going to be every single bills. The only stat that counts is Josh Allen got a W. Yeah. That's no true. Trust me.

I want Josh Allen to do good. I'm just saying I'm concerned. Man, the bills are going to be that team. Just like their defense is awesome and they somehow find a way to win games. Like I actually do think they could go eight and eight and just every win is in this fashion where it's ugly, gross, but they figured out a way to do it. And Frank Gore too. Frank or his big balls, his balls are built for Buffalo weather.

I'm saying that. Like you, you talk about one of those snow games in early December up in Buffalo. The only person that's going to have visible external balls in that game is going to be Frank. His balls will shrink to normal size. Yeah. No, absolutely. Yeah.

I, I'll just say this cause Jets fans will get mad. The game did change when CJ Moseley went out Eagles. Your are words. Yes. You, you start. So, no, this is case. Kingdom is the perfect J. Groon quarterback.

Yes. He's like Colt McCoy with a little bit of hot sauce on him. So J. Groon is like, this is my, this is my guy. I can win eight or nine games a year with this guy. Yeah. I will not get fired with this guy. That's all that J. Groon cares about is keeping Dan Snyder drunk enough to not come down on the field during

an actual game. Yep. This was the most obvious to Sean Jackson revenge game of all time. That's all he does. He just does revenge games to Sean Jackson will be in like 2045 to Sean Jackson will still be ripping off 50 yard touchdowns. Yep. That's just what he does.

You just, it's, it's a perfect every three weeks, the red zone will go to him and it'll be like Sean Jackson, 53 yard touchdown Vernon Davis had that nice little hurdle for a touchdown. I love the highlight of the season. Yeah. I'll take it. Yeah. And then the Eagles look like they're going to fuck everyone's teaser and showed up in the second half.

Carson Wentz looked awesome in the second half and I love Doug Peterson because Doug Peterson, the best thing that ever happened to Doug Peterson because he's kind of like a, I'm just going to coach with my gut when he does the analytics and stuff, but he is not afraid ever. He goes for it on fourth down all the time. He went for it on fourth down and like their own, like on their own 30 in the second half early in the second half, him getting a Super Bowl ring means he can just be full Doug Peterson all the time.

Yep. Because if you question, right? If you question him, he was like, I have a Super Bowl ring. What are you going to do? So he goes for it on fourth down. Like it's not, I was watching that game and the announcers weren't even questioning like will they go for it on four towns? No, it's Doug Peterson.

He's got a visor and he's going for it on fourth down. Yeah. That's like the exact opposite of Jeff Fisher getting to a Super Bowl. It just let him punt more. Right. It gave him the freedom to punt on like third in law. Trust it. Trust the punting process.

Let's get fucking wild with it and go for it. Let's kick the ball in third and 16. So yeah, Carson Wentz is back. Yeah, he is. You ready? You ready to say that? Yeah. Carson Wentz is pretty back.

He is back. But he also got booed. Did he? Yeah. In the first half? He got booed in the first half. Yeah, it's holding you accountable. It was five.

Everyone saw that nine point and the Redskins with the nice. They backdoor cover that? Yeah, they did. They did. Yeah. So it was a nice teaser though. Rams Panthers. This is the ultimate.

It's tough to get a win in this league game. Yeah. So like if you're the Rams, it's tough to win. We won. We only won by what? Three. But Christian McCaffrey has the spirit of the Lord in him. Christian McCaffrey is going to be awesome.

His guts are made out of springs when he was trying to get tackled. His body just like compresses and then expands back into the defender. I don't know how he's so small, but he's so compact that he's able to drive forward. I don't know if this is for a fact, but I'm pretty sure Christian McCaffrey could be pro in every single sport. Yes. He's that type of guy. Fact.

He's that type of guy. Cam Newton. My question is when will Cam Newton stop wearing ridiculous clothes as in loss? In losses. Yeah. It's a tough look. I would, what? You got to dress like you're going to win every single game.

I understand. But maybe go with a B outfit. Maybe don't wear the barbed wire hat. But you dress the opening dress to the game, right? But it just feels like if I were a Panthers fan at some point, like, Hey, when we lose, just throw on a Panthers hoodie. Right. He had, he had the barbed wire hat, the bandages on his face and then the cut off sleeves.

He looked like a guy that was both a fence and a person who was trying to climb over the fence at the same time. I listen. I'm not a professional athlete, but when I lose at like gambling, I don't feel in the mood to dress up. Right. I just throw on sweatshirts, sweatpants and just kind of mope around with that's your losing shirt.

Yeah. This is my losing shirt. What would you want? I actually was winning before I put this on. And then I started losing. So you are a lot like. Yeah. Yeah.

I guess so. That's the thing though. You burn your boat. You only bring one suit to the game. One suit to Dallas. Yeah. Exactly. Also, I have, I think Sean McVeigh finally has his version of Bill Belichick putting

Tom Brady on the IR or on the injury report for every game and that's Todd Gurley. Yes. He's keeping people in the dark about whether or not Todd Gurley, if his knee is made out of like the material that your grandmothers is made out of, or if he's fully healthy. You have a fantasy football podcast, Hank. That's not a plug because I forgot the name, but Todd Gurley is going to piss everyone off this year because Sean McVeigh, it's very clear he's going to do, not to steal a word from the NBA, but load management.

I think Malcolm Brown had the majority of the carries in the first half, then Todd Gurley was like the closer. So sucks for you. Do you have them? I don't. No one cares. Thank God. Fancy football factory.

Chief's Jaguars. I actually want to start with this. A thought for you PFT. That look away pass. Oh my God. Nick Foles broke his, broke his clavicle out for an extended period of time. I'm going to say a name. You ready?

Blake Bordel's curse. Nope. No. I'm going to say a name for who the Jaguars should, should look to trade for. Okay. Eli Manning. Ooh. Let's do it.

Let's get it going. Let's get him back with Coughlin. Get him back together. The defense is good enough. All you need is Eli to win nine games. Victor Cruz. Bring him down there too. Yes.

Why not? I mean, Eli can manage a football game for you. Eli Manning in a Jaguars uniform would look so fucking foreign. Preposterous. Oh my God. I don't think Eli Manning's ever seen the sun, much less lived in Florida. Yeah. The, let's just get it going and let's get it out there.

Just Eli Manning to the Jaguars. Who says no? Can you imagine Eli rolling up to the, rolling up to the game just like a pair of jean shorts? Just like trying to fit in down there. It sucks though that, that, that Nick Foles got hurt because he had a great like first quarter or was looking great, even so much that Kevin Durant, future guest of the show, we think maybe hopefully had one of the weirdest tweets ever. He said Nick Foles, that was a beautiful throw.

Thank you for that piece of art. It's beautiful. What? Yeah. So what? It's a guy that is injured, wishing good luck for a guy that was injured. Thank you for that piece of art. What are you saying?

What are you saying? Something like that? Thank you for that. I'm appreciating the sport we love. I mean, I, I love that Kevin Durant was watching that game. I don't know why he was watching that game, but he's watching that game. He was definitely watching Red Zone Channel. He was probably in LA.

That had to have been right? You think so? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, that makes no sense. No. Where was he? He was watching Red Zone Channel. He was in a hospital somewhere. He was, he was in a hospital.

You know what probably happened was Nick Foles. He's still in the hospital from the finals. Nick Foles got wheeled past and in the hallway, he's like, oh, shit, I better tweet something about him in case he gets weird in the same room. He's in a Jacksonville. Hey man, I just, I just tweeted about you. That was, um, it was not great for Nick Foles to go out. He looked good, but Garterman shoe looks like he's going to be fun.

Yes. Fun is the right word. It's going to be fun. Whatever you want, whatever your interpretation of fun is, that's what he will be. Going from Mike Leach to Tom Coughlin, I don't think that you could have a bigger separation in terms of personality, punctuality or really anything, body type, yes, everything. So, uh, Smith and Heisman Trophy voting. Yeah.

He was awesome. The Cougs. Hopefully we'll have coach Mike, Mike Leach on this week because he's going up against Dana on Friday. The cameras went out. The, there was a power outage there. I was, what the hell? I thought the game wasn't in question in terms of spread over under all that stuff, but could

you imagine if the game ended and it was like a controversial ending? The modern hiding game. Yeah. And we had no video proof. That'd be tough. Listen. Hey, I thought right away when it went out, I was like, wow. Like, uh, the Jaguars are going to cover Vegas nose.

You've got a couple of questionable neck injuries and then the cameras go out. I'm not going to say there are similarities to Jeffrey Epstein here, but I'm not saying that there aren't, but you aren't saying you are not, not saying it. I'm not not saying right because I'm trying to keep myself alive. Right. Tyra. We actually work with the Clinton assassins. Tyree, Hillary Clinton, um, the Patrick Holmes is awesome.

Yeah. He's accurate assessment. He's fucking sick. I don't really know what else to say about it. And Sammy Watkins, I, I had written off Sammy Watkins career six years ago. Well, he is in a cult. We've established that Sammy Watkins, that, I mean, three touchdowns with 200 yards, something like that.

Yeah. I, I think I wrote his career off after his sixth game in Buffalo. Yes. Bust. Yeah. Total bust. Absolutely. Awesome.

Clemson. Total bust. Yeah. That's the same time between Hill, Sammy Watkins, Mekol, LaShawn McCoy, LaShawn McCoy shape holding the, but not carrying the ball correctly. Here's what I know. It drives me nuts. About LaShawn McCoy.

Uh, I didn't like his uniform today. He had like a little Sam Bradford thing going on. They need, they need to tighten it up. They did need to tighten it up. He actually had a nice day. He's going to be, that's going to be one of those ones like how the fuck did the chiefs get LaShawn McCoy for free? Yeah.

Uh, before we get to the next game, I want to talk to you guys quickly about Bud Light. It's officially football season. It's awesome. Bud Light is crisp. I know it. You know it. Everybody knows it rather than spending an entire ad reminding you that crispy boys are crisp.

Bud Light is giving the other half of its ad reads to small businesses for a chance to be featured. Simply tweet the hashtag, hashtag Bud Light, small biz or DM at Bud Light and add for your business. But the powers that be won't just let Bud Light give away free ads read. So your script must include the words crisp and Bud Light. So here's the ad read for this week. This week's winner is Cascade Mountain.

The dog days of summer are just about over and winter is coming in hot. You know what that means. The bad, bad days to be a Bud Light are over, but the bad, bad nights are not. After a long day of riding the slopes at Cascade Mountain in Portage, Wisconsin, nothing tastes better than an ice cold Bud Light. The only thing crisper than that winter air hitting your face is that crisp Bud Light at the bar after Cascade Mountain, the Midwest best for skiing and snowboarding, hashtag Bud Light, small biz.

The beer after skiing is actually a top Mount Rushmore of beers. Is it really? I've never been skiing. What? Never been skiing. Ever? No. Never ever been skiing.

What do you mean? I've just never been skiing. I prefer to keep my pad level low. Stay off the mountains. Not a drug guy. No. Stay off the slopes. Like never even.

No. You never. I don't. I don't like to get that cold. I don't understand pizza. French fries. It's too close to the sun. Like I'm not a skier.

I'm not a skier, but I've been skiing. I've never been skiing. Boarding? No. Never been boarding, man. Snow tubing? No. None of the above.

Keep me off the mountains. You just don't like hills? I told you the winter Olympics were on my Mount Rushmore. Whatever hill you grew up in. Whatever hill you grew up in. What the fuck? Whatever hill I grew up in. I grew up in a hill.

Apparently not. Apparently you grew up in a field. Like a family that's saying something new every day. All right. Colts chargers. I don't know what it is, but Phillip River's needing a score late in the fourth. It wasn't going to happen. And then it happened because the Colts, the chargers basically blew the game at the end

and it is our inception totem. I fucking love it. The chargers end up winning and we predicted that there's going to be a quarterback that goes over the hill this year. Turns out it's actually Adam Vinceri. There you go. He's one for three and he missed an extra point. Yeah.

Not great. My big takeaway was the chargers as an organization have finally figured out their dream scenario, which is making money off of players' salaries by collecting fines from the starter that outweigh by many, many times what you're paying the person who's actually playing. Yeah. Melvin Gordon, I think, had to pay $200,000 in fines. The backup made something like 30,000, Austin Echler. Nice.

So the chargers, they're like, holy shit, we are so cheap that we're actually paying negative money to this position. That's a very dangerous place for the chargers to end up with that knowledge. That is. It's very powerful knowledge. Also, this was a bad game for Melvin Gordon because the Chargers offense looked fine. Austin Echler looked pretty good. Yes.

I think he's a perfectly average running back. That sucks though. Suck because we're going to get to the Cowboys and like how good deck looked and all this stuff. And obviously Ezekiel came back, but man, it like to have your team go out there and then not miss a beat offensively. Yeah. Not great.

I would show up. If I were Melvin Gordon, I would just show up to film session on Monday and be like, what? I'm still here. Yeah. Like what? Oh, that thing? No, no, no, that was a joke. Yeah, we're done.

I was kidding. We're done with that. Yeah. I'll play. I'll play this year. Yeah. That's fine. I'm like a starter.

So he plays like a normal starter. He feels a little bit of responsibility. Exactly. That's how you treat people in this world to give a little more extra and then they start doing their job a little bit better. Jim Ursay looked like a pimps lawyer. Did you see his outfit he was wearing? No, but I can imagine it.

A giant satin pink coat, long black sweatpants, and I'm pretty sure he's wearing black Air Force once. And he was, he had probably been in LA all week. So just use your imagination on that one. Shit that he got into. By the way, shout out to Adam Vinitieri. He had the, the massage gun. He was doing it on the sideline.

I don't think he was injured, but that's a smart move. If you're going to suck, just make it seem like you were injured. Yeah. And also this year, it's pretty much just free money if you're on the Colts. No one's expecting you to do anything. It's true. Anything that happens, it's all gravy on top. Yes.

It's absolutely true. Um, Bengal Seahawks. So Zach Taylor. Yeah. Zach Taylor. Yeah. That's the same. Zach Taylor.

The new look Bengals, which are kind of the old look Bengals, but I'll give him credit. He actually made John Ross. Good. Yeah, that's true. He had, that's crazy. Well, he's fast. Well, yeah, but he caught, he actually caught the ball too. I think he realized the one key that, that, uh, Marvin Lewis never really got around to,

which is like throw the ball to your fast players. Yes. Marvin Lewis was more like, let's hand the ball to Jeremy Hill and just have him run forward for three yards every time. Right. But if you get the ball to a fast player, then you can do some damage. And, uh, the Seahawks not having Earl Thomas, they look like a big 12 defense. They were just jumping and diving.

The secondary just got burnt. I feel like every time we looked the Bengals, all three of their scores felt like just ridiculous catches and then run after the catch and no one was there. Yeah. Here's, here's my overreaction is that Zach Taylor is going to be the Bengals coach for the next six years and never make the playoffs. Oh, I feel like he's going to go, I think he'll sneak in once. You think so?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, that's tough. That's tough to hear. I'm sure if you're a Bengals fan, trigger warning, Dalton might not be your quarterback forever. I was saying earlier today, I think Andy Dalton leads the league in terms of modern players

and most tackles as a quarterback. Yeah. I mean, Jay Cutler had that for a while. Andy Dalton, he's, he's a short time. He gets his head in there. Yeah. Yeah. He does.

He's not afraid to. Uh, and here's my hot take. The Seahawks are going to miss Doug Baldwin so much more than they realized, which I guess they probably realized because he retired. He didn't like it cut or anything, but it felt like every time they needed a big play, it was like, wait, where's Doug Baldwin and, uh, Lockett was Doug, what number was Doug Baldwin? Uh, I want to say 89, something like that.

Okay. So there are different numbers, but Lockett has the same size. Yeah. They both. So I tricked myself into thinking it was Doug Baldwin for a second. I was like, wait, that's not Doug Baldwin. That's why you guys can't get third down conversions. Yeah.

Also, Clowney didn't really make an impact, did he? Kind of a bust. Yeah. I mean, the Seahawks better without JV on Clowney, probably. Could trade Bill O'Brien, uh, Pete Carroll, gum chomping at an all time high on the sidelines today. He was going full open mouth with it. Hell yeah, he was.

He's going to bite his tongue off one of these days. He probably does. He probably has to, he probably has no tongue at this point. Yeah. It started out the length of Gene Simmons and now it's back to just a nub. You imagine if you're the Seahawks trainer and like every Monday morning, you're like, a come into the coach's office, need you to look at my tongue. Yeah.

Took a real, just get in there. It's an overtime game. What about this? What do you guys think about this? Seahawks miss the playoffs, go seven and nine, six and 10 this year, Pete Carroll to USC. That's Urban's job. That's Urban. Tennessee.

Ooh. Urban Meyer said that Tennessee was a top 10 job. He's just, he knows somebody else. Wait, let me finish in 1998. Oh, okay. Yeah. Not anymore. I'd fucking, oh my God.

There's nothing better than that. We talked about it last week. Yeah. I don't want to hammer college football. Well, we got some college football coming up. Giants Cowboys, who decided that Cooper Manning was funny? I think we know the answer to that. Wait, wait, big cat.

Are you asking what power out there decided that one of the manning children was going to stay on national television? I cannot believe that he actually is on TV on Sunday morning. He wears wacky suits and I somehow catch it every time. Like I don't watch, I do not watch any of the pregame shows. I don't have a consistent one. Right. I pretty much just hop around like, ooh, I haven't watched that in a while.

Ooh, I want to watch ESPN to see who I can hate. Ooh, you know, like that kind of thing. Somehow I always land on Cooper Manning doing some fucking hijinks with someone and it's like, why the fuck are you on TV, dude? I think we all know the answer. I know, but it makes me mad and his fucking kid is going to be an NFL quarterback. Yeah. His kid is what?

Eighth grade, ninth grade. He's unbelievable. He's unbelievable. He's better than Eli. Oh, I don't know. Because he's the Giants. Brothers with Eli. I just got pissed off this morning.

Troy Aikman went back and forth between hating Eli Manning and loving Eli Manning so much of this game. At the start, he was like, I just, I just don't know what Eli is doing out there. This isn't stuff a second year players should be doing. And then at the end of the game, once they put Daniel Jones in, he made sure to make the point you can't blame Eli today. He actually played pretty well. Well, here's what Eli did.

He actually did the perfect cover up for a shitty quarterback who's trying to keep his job. He had 306 yards. Oh yeah. You can't, you can't bench him after that. What was his total QBR 30 for 44. So it's like you look at the stats and you initially, like if you do knee jerk reaction, you didn't watch the game.

You say, Oh, you know, it wasn't that bad. But if you watch the game, especially that fourth down run where Eli just got out in the open and he was all out of moves, he had no moves. He thought he had a move and he was completely exposed. I think he started a juke, but it was so slow. I couldn't tell you if it actually was a juke. Yeah. Both him and big Ben, when they get out into the open field, they just, they kind of freaked

themselves out, but they're just like, I don't know how I got here. I don't know what to do, but I know this is bad. It's like, it's like riding a bike without your training wheels for the first time. And you start going fast. It's like, Oh Jesus Christ, I gotta, I gotta jump off this bike. This is scary. That's them running at anything more than a light job. Yeah.

It's like when you're skiing downhill on a black and you're like, Oh, I shouldn't be here right now. Yeah. No, I totally because I've never been there. I've never been skiing before. Yeah. I did know that. Well, here's a conspiracy theory for you.

Yeah. You know how mysteriously ESPN came out with their like proprietary QBR metric that makes no three or four years ago. What is it? What's a QBR? They won't tell you. They won't tell you. It's out of a hundred.

Oh, it is. So I was thinking. So we use passer rating for, I think it's 158.3 is perfect. Yeah, that's right. You know, not a natural number like that. And you can be perfect by being like, like six for eight, but two touchdowns. Right. Nobody knows.

Yeah. Like Kirk Cousins probably had a perfect pass. But then what they did was like three or four years ago, ESPN made their own out of a hundred. Right. And they won't tell anybody what's in it. And it's like the McDonald's secret sauce, but they did say that they were going to devalue things like late game interceptions when your team's losing and you're throwing long

passes that get picked off. Things that Eli Manning tends to do a lot of. I'm not saying that Archie helped develop this new stat to make his boys look better. But I think if you dig into a little bit, there's probably more evidence for it than against it. It's crazy that there's not one thing where you can just point to and be like, that's what we rate QBS. You didn't see eye test.

Yeah. That's what mine is. Eli Manning is a corpse. That's my eye. So I think Kellen Moore is Jerry Jones, new best man. Yeah. So Kellen Moore is officially the coach in waiting of the Dallas football Cowboys. Cowboys, by the way, are good.

Jerry's been. They are very good. Jerry's been talking Kellen up a little bit. He's like, he's the key to Dax like resurgency before the game. They let it leak that Dak Prescott, they're trying to get a deal done with him in time for kickoff today, which is that would have been the ultimate Jerry Jones thing is to just like have a giant check with your Dak Prescott in midfield in the Salvation Army thing.

Hey, he probably is like, hey, hey, Dak, close your eyes and then like walks him out there. Like here's your check and Dax like, wait, I'm not signing for six years, 20 million a year. Right. Aren't you surprised? Yeah. Come on.

Here it is. It's right here. Hey, here's the CEO, the vice president of Dr Pepper to hand you a giant check to Glory Hole University. As many footballs you get through this hole, that's how many millions you get. I wouldn't put it past Jerry. No, I wouldn't put it past Jerry either, but Dak Prescott is going to make a shitload of money.

Yeah. And I actually think if you're Jerry Jones, don't sign him right now because he's playing for a contract and the Cowboys we were overreacting because it's week one and the Giants probably stink. But man, they look good. Yeah. They look fucking good. I think we have some breaking moves.

Breaking moves. Breaking moves. The milk. The football scene. Breaking moves. Hey, go. I thought we were going to save this, but do your pod. But the.

Coming up new segment. Yeah. The Red Sox have parted ways with their GM Dave Mbrowski. You want to title how many months ago? Less than 12. Yeah. This is also the crazy thing when football season starts, you just forget that baseball exists until October.

September is complete no man's land for baseball. Way to stay relevant baseball. Yeah. So Hank, what are your thoughts about this? Do you think they're bringing Billy Bean on what? No. I don't know. Okay.

I mean, someone ever saw money ball. Can you give credit to PFT for nailing one GM, please? Yeah. I mean, that's I don't really know too many jams either. So there you go. They should just have a robot do it. It's fucking baseball. Just have maybe they'll sign the wonder kid Scott Harris from the Cubs.

He's Theo's fun, fun story when he signed Scott Harris to be the assistant GM. He's like he was 26. Yeah. And the whole blog being like, fuck this guy is an overachieving asshole. He's the fucking guy who asked for homework on Friday. Like this guy probably hasn't had sex and had any fun in his life. I like have a mutual friend that I and I ran into him like three days later. And he's like, Hey, I read that blog.

Okay. I've actually had my bad. My bad. Whoops. So yeah. What are your thoughts? Assistant general manager. Any Romero is going to take over.

Okay. Okay. He sounds like a closer good baseball name. I mean, you know, I was going to save it for do your pod. But like if you're not going to make the playoffs two years in a row, they won the World Series last year. That's what I'm saying. You're only as good as this year though.

And they're not going to make the playoffs. That'd be one year. One year. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Well, no, but they're not going to make it two years in a row. What?

No, they made it last. They made it last year. They're not going to make it this year, which would make it two years in a row. No, that would make it. Last year. I feel like I lost. They made the playoffs this year. They'll make it two years in a row.

If you don't make it two years, they're not going to. If you're unable to make the playoffs, they're not going to be able to. They're not going to be on a streak. Correct. They can't do two years in a row. Okay. If you can't make it two years in a row, you've got to do it. If you ever make it.

They're not going to be able to. If you ever miss the playoffs, you should be fired. Correct. Okay. That's what you're saying. Okay. All right. Sounds reasonable.

Cool. Who's breaking moves brought to you by? Oh, that breaking moves brought to you by Chocomil. For real recovery. That tastes real good. Yeah. That's what I thought on the Giants Cowboys. Yeah.

Saquon Barkley is going to be that hallfamer where we're all like, man, I feel bad for that guy. I wish he was on a better team. He even had an unreal run to start the game and then they just stopped giving it to him. Just don't name your kids Barkley. Yeah. This type of shit is going to follow them around. Yeah.

My last note is, did you see Jason Garrett when he threw the challenge flag and then he picked it up before the refs noticed? No. Yeah. So it hit the ground. Great move. And he was trying to challenge something. He quietly picked it back up.

If you're a Pat Shermer, can you throw a challenge flag to have them go back and do a video review to see if Jason Garrett's challenge flag hit the ground? Ooh. That would be so a challenge flag off. We need to get Dean Blandino on the show or Mike Carrera after a couple of Tito's to walk us through that one. I mean, what that's every day. Just like, yeah.

Wakes up all the time. He's always a couple. He's always right after a couple of Tito's. Also, I don't like Ezekiel Elliott's nose ring. Yeah. Here's why. It goes through the side. Oh, he kind of looks.

Yeah. And so he loses like 1% of oxygen through that hole. Alvin Camara has one, but it goes to the middle. So it's a closed system. He retains his oxygen. Okay. All right. I'll allow it.

Waste a lot of coke though. Probably. Lions Cardinals. Tie. Fucking tie. We got a tie week one. I bet on this game. So I was very, very mad.

Actually, we had a tie week one last year. So I like ties. Yeah. No, no, I love ties. I don't like it when I lose bets, but I love ties. The overreaction was Kyler Murray was the worst quarterback of all time in the first half. Even though his offensive lineman sacked him, which was an unreal move.

That's why you have to measure your vertical leap ability as an offensive lineman so you can get up that high. Yeah. And then the second half, he was unbelievable. So Cliff Kingsbury, you hot smug prick. Good job. Dare I say a little sloater magic in the second half for Kyler Murray? He looked pretty good.

He did look pretty good. Larry Fitzgerald looked like he's never going to retire. So we're going to have to keep talking about Larry Fitzgerald and when he will retire and his big old butt. Yeah. Big old booty. So three quarters of bad Kyler, one and a half of good Kyler. So 75% he's a bust.

Yes. 75% chance Kyler Murray is a bust right now. Danny Mendole. Fuck you. Yeah. I've never seen a more bonehead play. He hates sidelines. He hates sidelines.

The Lions actually looked good. And then he's the opposite of Ted Gin. Yeah. He's Ted Tonic. He's Ted. He that was in Matt. I know they probably wouldn't have been able to win the game, but still that was that was one of those moves.

Like what is he thinking? Yeah. Oh, he probably has Cardinals plus two and a half. Matt Patricia, terrible posture on the sidelines with his single crutch. Yeah. Tipping over between him and Cliff Kingsbury, two very distinct looks. How do you sell a tie week one like the Cardinals that can sell it because they're not supposed to win any games.

Yeah. So a tie is like, oh, this is awesome. To the Lions, especially when you were playing really well and kicking the shit out of them. And now you have to sell a tie. Yeah. It's like kissing your sister. TJ Hawkinson, by the way, is awesome. So a good job, Lions.

You took a tight end way too high and everyone laughed at you, but it looks like he's going to be awesome. There's something to build on there. Yeah. There's something to build on there. All right. Two more games. 49ers, Bucks, James Winston fucking stinks.

That guy stinks. He is addicted to turnovers. He's addicted to throwing the ball to the other team. A terrible problem. Addicted to turnovers. Addicted to turnovers. You like turnovers? Yeah.

That's still all time clip. Jim Harbaugh. Jim Harbaugh just asking and trying to get to the center of James Winston's psyche. Jim Harbaugh just thinks if you look somebody deep enough in the eye and you ask him the same question over and over again, you'll get the answer eventually. You're right. No. James looked like shit.

His hands look smaller somehow than last year. I don't think you can fix him. James says Bruce Aaron is going to fix him. How do you fix a guy who like one in every five passes? He says, ooh, I haven't thrown it dangerously close to the other team in a while. Let me do that. And he has that thing that he can never, ever get out. You can never coach it out of James that when shit really goes like poorly and he's running

around the pocket, he will absolutely always throw it up in air like he's playing 500. He did that last, that last pick six because he had two was one of those ones like, what are you doing, dude? What are you doing? And I think Arians is like his whole philosophy is just fuck it, throw the ball deep. Right. That's what Arians likes to do. So putting him together with James, you're either going to get something really, really

good or you're going to get just like a big cauldron of shit that takes the place of your football team for an entire year. I don't think it's good. And we were looking up who the backups are on the bucks right now. Ryan Griffin. Ryan Griffin. He's hurt. Gabbards hurt.

So Ryan Griffin, he doesn't have anybody pushing him. You're coming. No, Ryan Griffin is going to be on. You think so? He's going to do it because James, at some point it just has to drive you insane that he's, James plays the NFL like he's still playing like week two in college against University of Louisiana Monroe where he's like, I have better athletes than everyone. If I throw this ball up, one of my guys will get it.

Well, if you saw the FSU game against Louisiana Monroe, it didn't really work out for him. No. It's insane to watch him play. And the other thing with this game, we don't know if Jimmy G's good still. No, I'm not. I'm not a stunt. My entire notes about the 49ers is just 49ers looked okay, I guess. Yeah.

Jimmy G was not very good. Kittle looked pretty good. Of course he did. Because he's a star friend. He's a star friend. Right. Our friends always look good. That's true.

But Jimmy G still don't know. Yeah. That's a big question mark. All right. Last game. I mean, the Patriots are going to win the Super Bowl again. Yeah. That's about it.

Ask him. Listen, the Patriots are they're wagon is unfair that they already have Josh Gordon and Julie Nettleman and they're going to get and they're going to get and rock back and Sonya Michelle. What? I mean, what do you want to say about it? It's just it's insane. It's kind of boring. Yeah.

Yeah. All right. Well, this is a perfect segue to Antonio Brown. I just declared myself to be a Patriot. I'm trying it on for sure. You're on every team. It's not. No.

No. I don't own the Packers. I'm a fan of the Patriots this year and their division rival and their division rival, but that's fine. That. Listen, don't judge me as a fan. You don't get to do that. I'm I'm pan pan.

Coach was a Patriot coach. So it's like. Yeah. Just follow them. Exactly. So I like the Dolphin or not. Yeah. Like dolphins.

I like the Lions. I did notice that Bill Belichick was wearing a cut off shirt underneath a cut off shirt today. I don't know what the hell he's doing. I don't know how he gets dressed if he if he has mirrors in this house. The Steelers are just he looks like he gets hunted down by a deer. Like a dog on the way to the stadium every day. Mike Tomlin, you're down 20 to nothing and you kicked a field goal.

You made it. You went from a three score game to a three score game. That's insane. Listen, points are better than no points. Mike Tomlin, would you disagree? Mike Tomlin essentially did the he did the dog park. I'm going to roll on my back and let you sniff my my belly because you you own me. Like that was that was the biggest white flag I've ever seen.

It was Banner night. How do you not go forward on fourth down there? Just for pride. Well, do you have any pride? Well, I'll tell you on Banner night, it's a different environment in Foxborough. Oh, excuse me. Fox's Burroughs. How do you spell it?

F-O-X-S-B-O-R-O-U-G-H. Nailed it. Is that how Antonio Brown spelled it? So we should we should we should segue to Antonio Brown, the newest Patriot. All this news actually happened since our last show. He's insane. He's insane. But is he insane like a fox?

He's insane like a fox. So since we last taped, he recorded John Gruden illegally. Yeah. Shout out Bill Belichick. California. You know how I do that. Immediately, immediately endeared him to the Patriot way. Dual consent.

Dual consent state. He posted that video. That was the greatest video ever since. Fire video. Yes. The Antonio Brown, I think is more into being like a video guy than a football player at this point. Great for a receiver on the Patriots.

Yeah. He all of his videos are awesome and he's always being taped. Like even the release was that. And so essentially Mike Mayock find him conduct detrimental, which made it so that he was no longer had guaranteed money. So he's essentially playing week to week with the Raiders. Then he said, release me. They released him who I mean, Mike Mayock, I don't even know who looks bad here because

we've talked about it on Friday show, but like the Raiders knew what they were getting and they completely, I feel like they mismanaged it. I feel like it all went really south when Mike Mayock did his, you're either all in or you're all out. I'm going to be the tough guy. Right. I'm going to be the heavy. The thing about Antonio Brown is he's been obsessed with the Patriots for the last three,

four years. He just, he loves Tom Brady. He loved Tom Brady more than he loved Ben Roethlisberger when he was catching passes from Ben Roethlisberger. Correct. He's been obsessed with the team. His whole mission was to get on. He wanted to be on the Patriots starting this off season.

Right. That's where he wanted to go. But of course, the Patriots or the Steelers were going to trade in there and so he's like, you know what? They're going to give me $30 million guaranteed in Oakland. Yeah. I'll try that on. And then he gets out there and then he hires a social media team to help him figure out

how to fuck with people. He shows up in hot air balloons. Yeah. Which by the way, hire us for that shit. Yes. We will charge whatever, like half of whatever you're paying your team right now. We will fuck with John Gruden. I would get you kicked out of Oakland.

So do you know how many places I've been kicked out in my life? You wasted time actually. He's a natural talent of mine to be asked to leave nice places. He did a hot air balloon, burnt his feet with ice. Yeah. Helmets. Helmets. Helmets.

He videotaped. Double Helmets. Yeah. Double Helmets. He unfriended Big Ben. He died his mustache. Yup. He unfollowed all the Raiders.

He had to do some awkward things with Derek Carr where they pretended to like each other. Derek Carr probably is like, man, I thought we really got along. Yeah. He definitely doesn't understand what happened. He called Mike Mayock the cracker. Hey, bleep out. Oh, yeah. I forgot.

That feels like so long ago. Yeah. We had Cracker Gate on Friday. That was Friday. It was Cracker Gate. Yeah. And then a bunch of people being mad, like, wait, why can Antonio Brown say cracker? Yeah.

But Riley Cooper doesn't get a second try. Riley Cooper's trending was, although I don't- That was a big stray, but I feel like when you go down that path, you accept a lifetime of strays. Anyone who was real, who was trying to make the, like, Riley Cooper analogy. About how he was like, how Riley Cooper got kicked out of the NFL because he didn't. He didn't. No, no, no.

No, Riley Cooper had- Yeah, yeah. He got a contract. He went to rehab for being racist for like three weeks and then came back. But I never know when you see Riley Cooper trending. I don't know if it's because someone's saying, like, it's people saying, you all think Riley Cooper can do this? And then Antonio, like, you're correlating them, but was anyone correlated?

I don't know exactly what you're getting at, but- I'm trying to say, like, where did the Riley Cooper trending even start? Oh, I don't know. I think people just remembered Riley- Who's pageant zero on that? Who- Did someone have a spicy take about Riley Cooper because I couldn't understand it? Absolutely no idea.

I was like, how are these even close to the same? Yeah. I'm thinking about redoing the Chris Rock bit, but just doing- what are the differences between crackers and white people? Triskets. There you go. Triskets, Ritz. I feel like Cheez-Its, number one.

Cheez-Its are not a cracker. Fuck you. They are cheese on the cracker. Next time. They're cheese cracker. All right. You know who'd have it stronger? Mike Mayock.

Big- that's the best part is Mike Mayock is a cracker. He's absolutely a cracker. That's the first thing- He's a cracker. The first thing that I saw when I said he's called Mike Mayock a cracker. Yeah. Mike Mayock is- He is a cracker.

Definition of a cracker. Dude, you're a honky and a cracker. And listen, as a cracker myself, I can say that word. Yes, absolutely. You can take back- But like- Mike Mayock's a cracker. Yeah.

Now, I don't think he's a honky though. Oh, you don't? No. I don't know. I don't really know the definition. I just- I just know Mike Mayock's a cracker. No, honky.

You gotta have some like some sort of twang to yourself to be a honky. Got it. Like I think Freddie Kitchens is a honky. Got it. Okay. That makes sense. So Mike Mayock's a cracker. Mike Mayock's a cracker.

Yeah. Jerry Jones is a honky-ass cracker. Yes. Yes. Big time. So- Jerry Jones is the man, but not like in the good- he is actually the man. The man.

Right. That's a prediction for Antonio Brown on the Patriots. Antonio Brown, Josh Gordon do both of them play 16 games. Or well, Antonio Brown obviously didn't play a night, so 15th in his- in his case. Yes. Yes. Interesting. Okay.

Interesting. You confident about that? You don't think- 18 and 1 is my official preseason prediction. Oh, so you lost in the Super Bowl again? That's tough. No. How'd you put that curse?

Don't put that evil on the Patriots. Yeah, that's a weird thing to pay attention to. Random regular season game and that's that'll be it. What if what if they lost to Eli and the Jaguars three laughs? No, they're not gonna lose in the playoffs They're gonna lose a random like whatever week like 14 regular game They almost lost that Jaguar seemed just a couple a couple years ago. Well. Yeah, that was the boat But he's he's not an issue anymore. He's passed on a little ramps I'm gonna read a quote real quick and you guys can tell me who you think it's from did you see big Ben's most recent quote

No, he just got asked in the post game what he thought of Antonio Brown joining these guys meaning the Patriots and he said whatever Big Ben by the way, that's a big his face is so fat. Whatever. I'm getting fatter and fatter. It's bad I can't wait till big Ben retires and it's just he's gonna he's gonna do the opposite of like the schleric. Well, the thing Yeah Even fatter big Ben's gonna be in a scooter getting around like one of those The rascal ones that you used to drive big cat within like probably three years after retirement Do the quote but make it the Seekie quote, okay? This is promo code take. This is the Seekie quote use promo code take

You tell me who this is $10 off promo code $10 off whatever game you want You want to go up and sit in the nosebleeds and gawk at big Ben's giant wide-ass neck you see geek here's a quote I'm not joking. I believe a B wants to return to Pittsburgh You always want your old girlfriend back always big Ben curls curled a B's toes Who you never forget the girl who did that sucked them off? Okay, so that was Mr. Rooney whichever Rooney it was Jason Whitlock. Oh, you never forget the girl who made your toes curl now I don't know who Jason Whitlock been fucking but it's not exactly hard trip clubs a lot

It's not hard to make a guy come right to make a guy's toes curl That's just like anything right now. I actually they curl all the time when I have a Charlie horse Yeah, I've been drinking enough water. Yeah, that's my fuck sometimes. I get some reps in yeah Just took her for some exercise. I actually I actually thought that Pittsburgh would be a would work for them because in all of this In all the Antonio Brown madness and the Raiders and all that stuff. I think we owe Mike Tomlin an apology I think he actually dealt with Antonio Brown the way that you have to deal with a receiver that talented and Kind of a little out there just kind of ignored it for a while Just let the little don't sweat the small stuff

You know what I mean? Don't don't worry if he doesn't show up to practice or he punts a ball at Big Ben or he gets mad He's not the MVP Don't sweat the small stuff because if you make a big deal of it then he's going to make an even bigger deal of it Right, that's what the Raiders did they basically did like they got into a chicken off with with Antonio Brown And he's gonna win it's like if you're a teacher and you have a kid in your class That's always on his phone checking his bank account. Yeah, Tony Brown was there or whatever. That's a great day at work for you That's like a good behavior day for that kid You're like, I'm gonna let this slide I'm not gonna give him detention over this because otherwise

He'll try to stab me with a pencil. Did it do you see Andrew? So I don't had a terrible tweet where he was like kids. Yeah, you know, he said yeah This is an awful lesson for the kids I actually think it's the best lesson in the world because it's a perfect life lesson if you're extremely talented at something You can probably get away with more than everyone else. That's a tough Learn it sooner. Yeah, if you are extremely valuable and exceptionally talented at your Given work. Yeah, you probably can get away with shit. It's not getting fired as sorry patient trophy for being super talented Yeah, that's the way the world works. That's how it goes. That's a lesson that probably people should learn

Here's what I'm concerned about though if I'm the Patriots Antonio Brown was trending on Twitter for I think about eight days non-stop I don't think there was a single day and say there's not a day that went by first of all I'm I'm going through a B news withdrawals. Yes feels like it's been forever since I've gotten an update from but for him that going cold turkey from having all that to absolutely none in New England until they get to play in a week against the Dolphins Hank that you can't just go drop a vid you At least he doesn't have the Jeremy Ritter app to post his feelings on under dude He's got a content addition addiction you deal with two people who have content addictions. Do you think we could do that?

No chance. No, but the Patriots are pro pro content now. What Brady Brady's in the Content Edelman's in it Josh Gordon post an electric Content or content the same thing. It's a call back to last week's episode. I don't know the content and content. Well, there is no difference It's about the exact same. Yes, it's You're right. I'm not gonna sweat the small stuff for the problem But no, they're pro content now. Okay. All right Let's do I feel bad for Antonio Brown's kids for having to learn a new quarterback. They still they're still on Ralph They're just gonna be like is that is that Derek Carl? I probably watched the game tonight, too

They're like there's Rothesburg. They'll actually know they will know that whoever Tom Brady is. That's not Derek. Yes. Yes Okay, let's do our who's back in a little college football before we do that stat shark stat shark helps you take a bigger bite at a daily fantasy games Hank has a fantasy podcast you need stat shark to Supplement his fantasy podcast this daily fantasy insight tool includes unique features built by Wall Street Quants That means nerds that you know can be right Billy Bain Yep from dynamic charting to probabilistic Determination of player performance all designed to give you a better chance to win. I love this whenever they give you like nerds I trust them all the time

Stat sharks projections are proven to be better than the competition and can help you deliver unparalleled winning results Stat shark will provide you full player history So you can have all information in front of you three different modes to play in based on your level of expertise and preferred time commitment Ability to generate thousands of lineups and directly uploading your lineup with fan to a more and right now Our friends at stat shark are offering a free trial to Stoolies go to stat shark comm Slash barstool your free trial will last through September. That's three more NFL weekends. You can try it out for free There's no reason not to do this go to stat shark comm slash barstool get your free trial Give yourself a better chance to win and become a stat shark stat shark is only available for download on a PC

Go do it right now stat shark comm slash barstool if the nerds are telling you it's gonna work It's gonna work and I wouldn't want to be the guy who doesn't use stat shark Let me just say that because you want to win and the nerds will tell you how to how to win, okay? Quick college football coach. Oh LSU air Raido Wagon yes new look offense. Look great. Yes, Joe burrow MVP Heisman's Heisman well Jack Kohn's gonna win the Heisman five-star recruit on Long Island Joe burrow looks like a Heisman guy. Yeah last year. He looked he was solid, right? He was okay last year pretty good learning that offense this year. He looks fucking amazing

Who who did the sideline for that game was it Maria Taylor? Yes. She's so tall. Oh my god She she didn't let coach. Oh say good. I had the video. I was so angry That's the go Tigers at the end of an LSU win from coach. Oh is The nut it is and he said it to he said it. She took her microwave. You you can't do that You can't do that. We needed that coach. Oh LSU Something about LSU when they get going their colors and everything. It's just so much fun Texas was almost back for a second for a brief second. They're almost back. The other big game was army almost embarrassed Michigan at Michigan, but now army does this every year

So Michigan can just say we still get to go to the college playoff because Oklahoma did that last year where they lost or they won In overtime against army. Yeah, no, I think that Michigan gets to move forward. It's good that this happened early on in the year Yeah, sorry for respecting the troops too much also, Wisconsin's back and I'm getting I'm starting to get feelings So get ready for me to break my heart Going back to coach. Oh real quick. Yeah, did you notice how he just kind of glows under the lights? Yes? That's so awesome. He's like a it's he's not sweating. I don't know. I think it's just a glow It's yeah, it's almost like being under a Heat lamp. Yeah for French fries. He's or he's like a like a lizard that's been out in the sun

Yeah, he changes color to the rocks around sitting on that rock Yeah rock all day. He's a friend make friends with a son and with the sun becoming one with you guys spend time with it Also, I got I got a problem with Texas's field I tweeted this at Jake because I wanted to get a Pantone checker because the Texas's field always looks weird to me Right, I didn't know why somebody pointed out that the the like color situation on the broadcast cameras Change at Texas depending on what network is running the game. So it's like Fox HD being shitty It's like a mood field it changes depending on how that Texas is yeah in last night or Saturday night I saw it. I was like they're not back because that field looks like baby diarrhea. Yeah, okay

So officially not back. So I let's try Texas nice try you almost has food for almost almost had it Oh, so I went to Clemson and I'm here to report. I scouted in person go Tigers I think Trevor Lawrence is gonna be a good quarterback. You think so. Yep future out in person. Maybe future bear Shut up Clemson's cool. Yeah, they got a rock. I went to Dabo world. I went to their facility It's insane. I tweeted Hank full wiffle ball field in back. That's my players seems dangerous seems dangerous But it's very cool. The rock is cool The only thing I would say is I don't like stadiums where one of the end zones isn't like filled it

Yeah, but that's because the players have to I know but it doesn't always feel like it feels less intimidating Wisconsin used to have that then they closed it in like there's teams do that where they you know Old stadiums and they close it in to get the sound in yeah, it just feels less Intimidate, but can you talk about the swirling winds since you have like it in open? Oh, the wind shrills tougher visiting kicker. Oh, it just doesn't feels intimidating. I'm just gonna say it That's I'm a I love stadiums. I love to look at stadiums. I went there the night before just to look at the empty stadium It's a cool place. It's got a you know a cool tailgate area where it just goes on forever But would have liked maybe a second deck in that end zone

Okay, so next if you want to make big cat happy when he visits your stadium for a quarter build it make sure the bowl is full Build the unless your maxion then just put up some aluminum benches and that's cool That's actually the emptier stadium is during action. I think the more the more intense the atmosphere. I want to hear pin drop the magnus fear Yes. All right, let's do who's back Hank go my who's back. I have to my first one is Rafa. Oh, yeah talking to not to go He won the u.s. Open which means he now has five major titles since his 30th birthday The most by any person after the 30th birthday. Oh, so Federer is not even the second kill It's Yokovic And then there's a drop-off no big drop off. It's a and then what's Rafa and Federer's

Rafa has won two major titles since his 30th birthday the most by anyone after the 30 when they well That's because you can only play 30 yet. Rafa is one for one in his last major titles Joke of itch quit Yeah, that's right. Oh, he's quit. He like a little Andrew Luck. He was like my shoulder hurts Wait, he's got five after he was 30. You should hear what Dan Dockich had to say about your fucking Joke of itch So, yeah, Rafa's the go my other joke of itch. No, it's just about fucking. I don't want to say that he hasn't By the way, Joke of itch has three and he's 32 so that will be another stat that he breaks But now right now My other who's back is Mamba mentality, okay, Kobe Bryant

He's the coach of his daughter's AU team which is called the Mambas And he posted a picture today and the captain's was two years ago We lost to the same team 22 to 21 and in the picture. It's his team celebrating in the scoreboard The score is home team 115 the visitor 27 Oh sportsmanship. So this team lost two years ago and these girls are like 10 to 12 years old and then Kobe's come back Absolutely killing 115 to 27 in a girls no no older than 13 year old basketball. I still that is Mamba mentality I want to find the guy who basically toiled away in

Creating black Mamba art for his entire life and then one day something happened in Colorado and Kobe Bryant decided that he was going to become the Mamba and then Decide and then that guy became like a millionaire because Kobe has you saw it Hank There's Mambas everywhere. He has every Mamba sculpture that's ever been created and piece of art And so he just he and now his team now did he commission that stuff? There's someone there's something's made a windfall from Kobe becoming the Mamba there's a month of the thing There's a Mamba industrial complex cracker that's been developed around the cult of Kobe really like you go to a dinner party in New Mexico Uh-huh like oh, I want to introduce you to this artist and the guys like hey Know that no Kobe's Mamba stuff. That's me. Well now now the guy now

This is second windfall because Dwight Howard's in town and he's a snake guy So he's gonna buy up all the Lucy's if he became the if he that would be so Dwight Howard to call himself the black Mamba Yeah, well Dwight Howard probably like I'm the big Mamba. He's probably not a Mamba snake guy He's like I want snakes, but not poisonous ones. I want the ones that give you great big hugs. Yes. Yes Yeah, is that it trap you yeah, that's it Okay, PFT my first who's back of the week is your television checking to make sure that you're live on Sundays So when the icon pops up and it's like hey

Notice that you haven't changed a channel in four hours. Is everything okay? Yeah, fuck. Yes. It is you should know this by now Don't be a bitch television. Yeah, fine. Yep. Absolutely. If anything you should ask like can I order you some food? Yes, that'll be awesome when it yeah, if you're if you're one of these big shot TV designers Just have something pop up on the screen. That's one click to order a pizza It's like the Virgin Atlantic menu comes up. It's like you would you like a snack? Would you like a Diet Coke? Yeah, excuse me, sir. I couldn't help but notice that your afternoon is awesome. Could I make it a little bit better? Yes, my other who's back of the week is Robert Griffin third. Yeah, RG3. So RG3 got in here's a stat line six for six 55 yards one touchdown no interceptions

QBR 99.7 QBR one new baby from a creta one He's a proud popper and I'm gonna count that as a quarterback save its new status just made up right now We're just didn't blow a 50-point lead. You get well his QBR is also point three higher than the starter Oh, so I think if you come in yeah, and you have a higher total rating Which we discussed earlier is a metric that makes total sense Then you should get a quarterback safe. So he leads the league and saves. I like that. All right

My who's back is I hate gambling and I'm quitting. Okay until tomorrow night. Well the Lions did that to you It's the fucking worst NFL Sundays are War and I don't mean that literally Marlon's man. Sorry. Don't get mad. It's probably tougher, but it's a mental Grind and I fucking hate it. I mean you can't figure out the NFL Mm-hmm. You cannot and I know it's just week one Let's say I'm already I'm already I'm already tapping and I know I'll be back tomorrow night, but I'm already just dead Mm-hmm. I'm dead from the NFL

We cover the over under against Iraq But or no we cover the spread against Iraq right the over under was that was a bad beat It's fucking multiple. It's terrible. Yeah, it is tough. Listen. I believe in you It's a long season get it out of the way remember when I said I loved the board although my my guaranteed I'm gonna start doing that every week my guaranteed cannot lose no matter what money line parlay that one Which was Seahawks Ravens Eagles. Okay, there you go. You're one and oh except the Seahawks almost lost You're you're one. Yeah one and oh one and oh for those just say every yeah one and oh for guarantees Fucking man. It's I love it, but I hate it, but I love it. Is this can't wait for tomorrow night

I love the Texan is this year the parlay for you just parlor parlay everything dude If you become a parlay guy, you have to change your entire wardrobe you do why wait. What's the difference? It's like parlay guys. Just dress. It's actually jumps to January. Those are parlay guys. Oh, I like yeah Yeah, so you have to yeah, right and you just have to constantly talk about how your $10 parlay that would have won $25,000 missed because one team lost okay, I can do that Feels like I'd be really good at it's a good time. It's a good time. Okay, um, let's do some segments You got a little something before yeah before we get in. Oh, yeah It's I was gonna say we have football guy of the week on on segments

Yeah, before we get in segments I want to talk to you about simply safe on average a burglary happens once every 23 seconds in the US That's from the FBI approximately 2 million burglaries are reported Every single year in the United States 83% of burglars admitted that they specifically look to see if there's an alarm system and 20 out of every thousand households were burglarized in 2017 and what's crazy is that only one in five homes have home security Maybe because most companies don't make it easy will simply safe makes it very very easy Very very simple to get your house covered and protected. That's why simply safe safe is my top choice hands down Simply safe protects every door window and room with 24-7 professional monitoring. They make it easy

There's no contract no hidden fees no fine print It's won a ton of awards from CNET New York Times wire cutter Prices are always fair and honest around the clock monitoring just $15 a month But one thing that truly makes simply safe stand out is their video verification Verification technology when other home security systems are triggered a lot of time police assume It's a false alarm and the call goes to the bottom of the list But with simply safe they use their video verification technology to visually confirm that the break-in is happening

Which allows police to get to the scene? 3.5 times faster than other home security companies and for my listeners Simply safe has a huge deal going on right now go to simply safe comm slash PMT and get free shipping and a money-back guarantee That's simply safe comm slash PMT S-i-m-p-l-i-s-a-f-e Dot-com slash PMT. Okay, let's do some segments wrap up the show We first have football guy the week vote for football guy the week

We're gonna tweet out the poll week ones winner was Hugh freeze. We'll try to get week twos winner on I don't know if we will be able to because there's some good Well-known coaches actually know we should be able to okay first nominee army coach Jeff Monkin We talked about army. They went to overtime against Michigan as a 22-point underdog He told his team Before the game in the locker room talking about playing in front of a hundred thousand plus fans Yep, there's a billion people in China that couldn't care less about what happens in this game on Saturday So let's just have fun and play our very best. It's a fact. It's like the Andrew Whitworth. We're all gonna die

We're all gonna die somewhere. There's no fuck cares one billion people But they will care because there'll be a lot of people if the game goes over time streaming on their iPhones And so it'll run the batteries down faster It's a lot of data which means you have to buy more iPhones from China I had a teacher once tell me that if you could sell a coke for a dollar to every single person in China You'd be a billionaire and that fucked me up. Mm-hmm because I was like that's easy Yeah, but it's not but then you have to get a billion coax for free right to do that true the math is tough But it fucked me up. It doesn't make sense though. Just like perspective the ultimate one

It might look like a lot of people in the stands here, but in reality, it's not it's not that many people Right, that's what I think about when I do this show. Yeah, maybe that's a new Dana coach Dana We'll try to get him to do that be like hey guys. It might feel like there's a lot of people here, but a Million people isn't a part of my take that's about that. That's a good point. Yeah, that's crazy at this Houston game They're only 35,000 people. Yeah, but imagine how many magic could be talking about you Yes, listen if you lose Houston, we're gonna talk about you for the entire show. Yeah, and that's gonna be tough for you to do Don't lose bills

D tackle at Oliver wore a shirt that spelled chip on his shoulder Yeah, you literally had a chip literally it's good that does he have a jacket by the way because he's speaking of Houston Remember he got his jacket stolen from him. Oh, that's her Was a major Apple white wouldn't let him put on the jacket and let him put on the big like the puffy jacket. Yeah Yeah, I like the chip on the shoulder. It's a good blue collar move. Yeah, why not literal chip on the shoulder? Bill Ballochek, there's also there's a guy in the NFL. He plays on the Cowboys or he used to He had a tattoo of a chip on his shoulder. We should get that. Yeah, you should get that pretty sick Bill Ballochek if Kelly wins a Super Bowl, I'll get a chip tattoo done

Bill Ballochek probably the best quote ever on being asked about football season This was last week before football season started. He said I like football I like football season and all the things that go with it. It's a great tinder bio. Totally agree Yeah, I like all the things that go with football. So I swiped right on that motherfucker Is that right? Is that the correct direction? Yeah, swipe right, right? Okay, puffy vests chili Mm-hmm leaves pumpkin spice punk pumpkin spice everything Sneezes yeah, cuz Hank's got a cold having a hank being allergic to words Michigan State coach Mark Dan, Tony Tony oh

Last one. He said on his offense There's only so many ways to skin a cat at the end of the day. You've got to skin the cat There's another good quote for you write that down. That's pretty good I like that. He told everyone hey write that down But isn't isn't the normal quote there's more than one way to skin a cat There's only one way to skin a cat, but he's like I'm just gonna skin it sometimes Gotta skin it harder. Sometimes you just got to murder a cat and then you'll end up in mind hunter season 3 Yeah, or getting fired from barstool sports. Who's talking about skinning cats in the first place?

How does that phrase like get invented? Psychopaths sociopaths serial killers They all skin cats when they're children they piss their they piss their bed But then they and they light fires and they skin cats and then they're serial But how do I become a common phrase in the world? That's a good question. I don't know I Don't know. I mean yeah, I feel like there's I feel like if we looked hard enough There'd probably be a country where it's like is there a number one sport is cat skinning for for speed. Yeah, right, right You don't think so. Yeah, there's probably one out there, right probably France I mean dude in England they roll a fucking cheese down a hill dude. Don't knock it jumps don't not cheesy roll

You don't think they just skin a cat somewhere. I don't know some places they treat cats as royalty. Yeah, that's true Todd Gurley's house they give him contracts not in this house. Nope Okay, vote vote for our football guy of the week. Hopefully we get someone on. Mm-hmm. Hopefully we get What do you think we get? Yeah, okay, okay, sure. All right. Well, you're the producer the Patriots are the producer Why don't you get a team now? Yeah, okay, so get get us get us Bill Belichick. That would be great All right. Yeah vote PFT before we do the rest of segments. You got one more one more apps Yeah for Dollar Shave Club. Oh hell. Yeah, I know a big shave guy. Yeah, you know, I talk about dollar shave club I can't stress enough the quality of their products. They've spent years developing crafting refining everything

They've got everything I use to look feel and smell my best. You name it. They've got it and I use it I've been a dollar shave club member for years. I love their toothpaste. I love their shampoo I love their shave butter their pre-shave scrub. I love their razors. I love it all as amazing as that shave stuff is They've got way more than just razors. They've got everything you need to keep you covered head to toe Everything that you could want to shower shave style your hair brush your teeth and yes, even wipe your tuchus It says but but I said took us and dollar shave club can keep you automatically stocked up on the products you use You get what you want whenever you need it whether that's once a month or a few times a year I never have to waste time at a store wondering if what I'm getting is any good as a dollar shave club member

I know what I'm getting is the highest quality and also you're in a club. It's being a club is bad hell Yeah, were you ever in a club when you were a kid you start your own club? No, I started a club one time in third grade I forget the name of the people like no, I wasn't I didn't have enough money to be in ski club dick I mean, I wasn't okay, whatever. I didn't have a board. I didn't have a mountain I didn't have a lot of stuff and right now you can put the quality of dollar shave clubs products to the test Their ultimate shave starter set has basically everything you need for an amazing shave the executive razor shave butter Prep scrub and post shave do the best part is you can try it for just five bucks After that the restock box ships regular-sized products at regular prices

Get your ultimate starter set for just five dollars at dollar shave club comm slash PMT That's dollar shave club comm slash PMT, but I am going to Vancouver Later on this autumn there are mountains up there. Maybe I'll try the first time to a video you skin Not I don't want that getting out there. Okay. We what do you got? Hey, it's just gonna say no pizza no french fries. Yeah, yeah, absolutely We have a new segment. It's called do your pod actually know what that means thing. Yeah pizza means stop French fries mean go you saw South Park got it was out in South Park. I think it was right I wasn't allowed to watch software. Yeah, you should have you should have you should have pizza when you French You should have yeah pizza when you French friend

Do your pot do your pot so this is a new segment Hank Hank and I might turn this into a full podcast We're not sure yet, but I since I decided that It's in beta since I decided that there aren't enough Patriots fans in national sports media I'm giving it a shot at this company and it's also it's amazing the shit that you guys find to complain about it really It boggles my mind and you think about sports. I mean in such a very little You get mad about the smallest stuff and I fucking love it And it's awesome to be Patriots the first day I became a Patriots fan. You know what happened We got until new brown right there boom in the second day

Do you do your pod? You have your complaint, right? So it's this is a complaint show, right? No Oh, this is not a show. This is just to point out how unfair it is that the NFL is against so go ahead Yeah, so go ahead. So today NFL red zone all we talked about is all offseason like football is back football is back Can't wait the red zone has their little countdown which savage move in the last minute to do an advertising now It's fucked up. That was fun. That was a hezzy hang Yeah, that was but that was fucked up So then the the little montage starts like hundred years of football They went through every single like big moment at the last hundred years every notable player every notable team little moments little stuff

Not one time not one single time. Did they show any Bill Belichick Tom Brady Patriots Super Bowls? You would think it's the most dominant team in the last 20 years The most recent Super Bowl champion would at least get oh like one frame two second frames anything yep Anything and they got nothing If you think that's a coincidence you are fucking no, it's not a coincidence It's it's them trying to downplay the best franchise maybe in the history of organized sports Definitely probably within the history of the entire United States, especially when you consider for agency Can I exact thank you Hank especially when you consider for ages?

It was easier to build up the Yankees the Yankees who didn't have to compete well number one You weren't allowed to have black players on your team back in the 1930s Yep, so you weren't exactly the best athletes at the time too There was no salary cap what the Patriots have managed to do in this age in this era is nothing short of amazing and for the NFL to Continually rub our noses in this is disrespectful After not giving us the opening night game especially after the fact that Roger Gidell was a chicken shit and gave the opening night game To the Bears and the Packers instead of being in Foxboro when we were going to raise the banner like we do every single year and Andrew Yang said

Andrew Yang tweeted out that he hates the Patriots. Yeah, and he's probably gonna be president do your pod We need it to a little little addition to your pod also Coley make is gonna be calling for mixed tape It's gonna be a do your pod and then underneath it should just say you're not paranoid if everyone's out to get you Yep, and we've got a logo picked out of sweet. It's all the Boston mascots looking pissed off All right, so that was do your pot being a Patriots fans. Awesome. Oh, all right last up stay classy. We have stay classy Philadelphia You got to fight with your own player on the Sixers Mike Scott showed up in a Redskins jersey. What?

The fight was next to a tailgate that someone brought a tailgate a casket to the tailgate. Uh-huh, okay? They brought their like grandfather's casket to the tailgate. Is that the old dad? It's so awesome. Is that the old so the Eagles can let me down one last time. No, but they don't and Then that's like the in in the foreground of that is the Mike Scott fight That is incredible. It is pretty good I love that they brought a casket and they probably did the thing where they they just threw his ashes in the middle of Well, there was a dude that's he streaked the field and then poured his dad's ass Yeah onto the field, which is I mean you got to take your hat off. So I'm a big believer in

Philadelphia gets kind of a bad rap and everyone just uses the cliche and I actually think it's a great sports town But fighting your own players a little that feels a little too much Well, this is like this was the Colts and people would be like, oh, well, yeah, but like We already ended here. You're your pods over here. You just But this is leaked in the next segment for me. This is as good as it gets for an our words fan Yeah, it's just being having one of like a fan of your team beating up an Eagles fan. Yes Yes, anyone say like hey, that's a sixer. That is a Super Bowl right there They were like, hey, don't hurt him. He's actually we're rooting for I think they probably knew yeah

Maybe they're just too drunk to care probably just too drunk to care unbelievable. What a video. Um, all right That is our show. Let us know how you thought it went. I thought it was great I thought it was fun not to toot our own horn. What do you think Hank is a producer great? I thought it was great. Hank. What's a lot of fun? Which song should we put underneath through your pod? Stop your boss. Yeah. Yeah No, yes That's the outro SVP and Rocilla did the shipping up to everyone though like Dirty water tessie

Tessie tessie or dirty water All right, that's our show. We got some sweet Caroline. We love that song. It's problematic We got some big big Big we're doing four interviews this week that are all Enormous all famous one of them is huge not as huge as they used to be but still huge I don't even know who you're talking about there. Literally all physically no, but that's also There could be they're all they literally could be any of so it spoiler. It's not been rothless burger people ever tired early

No, well one of them's not Hmm two of them did One of them still well once a year Love you guys I'm coming for you Oh Oh Oh

Oh Oh, it's part of my take presented by bar stool sports