Pardon My Take - Nick Swardson, Caron Butler, Mt Flushmore Of Cars, And Duggs Goes To Texas Tech

Episode Date: May 6, 2020

We start by picking a Korean Baseball team and get EXTREMELY lucky with our selection (2:27 - 8:16) Coach Gus Duggerton is headed to Texas Tech and PFT asks Duggs some Big J Journalism questions (8:16 - 16:58). Hot Seat/Cool Throne including Elon Musk and more fear porn (16:58 - 34:43). Comedian Nick Swardson joins the show to talk about his new movie The Wrong Missy out on Netflix May 13th, the Vikings, whether he believes in Kirk Cousins, getting expelled 4 times from high school and stand up comedy (34:43 - 65:35). NBA Champion Caron Butler joins the show to talk about his career, being addicted to Mountain Dew and Straws, and how Jim Calhoun recruited him to Uconn (65:35 - 84:17). Segments include embrace debate, Mt Flushmore of Cars and Guys on Chicks.You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/PardonMyTake

Hey, pardon my take listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. On today's part of my take, we got a twofer for the people. We have comedian, actor, Nick Swartzson, hilarious dude, big time Vikings fan. We have a great conversation with him. And then we have legend, tough juice, Karan Butler on the show for 15, 20 minutes. We talk with him as well, some awesome stories.

And I never knew that anyone could have a Mountain Dew addiction, but he had it. And straws. And straws. And we talked to him all about that before we do. Oh, sorry. We have also Hatsi Kulteron, some Dugs Talk, some guys on chicks, and Mount Fleshmore of Kars. So pack show for everyone.

Before we get to that, part of my take is brought to you by the Cash App. Not only is it the easiest place to send money to your friends, it's the safest. We're in the Cash App Studio right now. We love the Cash App. The Cash App is giving away free subscriptions to our Twitch channel every single night. They are the best app in the world. They're the number one social distancing app, according to me. They're also the number one app ever, according to me.

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Use code BARSTOOL. You get $10 for free. $10 to ASPCA. Today is Wednesday, May 6th. We missed Taco Tuesday and Cinco de Mayo. It was the greatest. We had a nice two show run there. It was the greatest.

Confluence. Confluence of events. It was the, it was LeBron's perfect storm. We had a streak. Yeah. Yeah. For sure. I mean, LeBron's got a lot of other stuff going on in his life right now.

He needed a day for him. Yes. And I take Taco Tuesday and Cinco de Mayo. That's LeBron's day. He's too busy not talking about the last dance, but only like tweeting out Isaiah Thomas highlights. Is that what he's been doing? That's the only thing he's really, that's the only thing he's done since the last

dance has been on. Wow. He like had a long tweet about how good Isaiah Thomas was. And that was basically it. Did he also, did he tweet anything out about him dunking on Isaiah Thomas, the other Isaiah Thomas? I don't think so. I think he might have said something about that.

Wow. Interesting. I think he's thinking of Jason Terry, but. He's been doing a lot of retweets of just stuff about his school, about how good his school is doing. So just changing the conversational. Yeah. Get the narrative going.

So we don't have sports, but we have fake sports and some real sports actually. Let's start with that. Korean baseball is going to ESPN or is already on ESPN. Now the games are in the middle of the night, but with the new baseball season and real sports being back, I think we need to, we owe it to ourselves to pick. I think we should pick a team for the whole podcast. For everyone. Okay.

I was wondering if we're going to go individually. Yeah. Let's get some gear. Let's root for this team. We know nothing. I'm going to list them all for everyone right now and then we can go, what we'll do is we'll eliminate it. We'll get it down to three.

Okay. Just off of just like instant reaction. So here they are. Think about it. The NC dinos. I like it. The doosan bears, the Samsung lions, the low T giants, low T. Yeah.

I like that one. The LG twins, the Qoom heroes, the Kia Tigers, the SK Yverns, the Hanwha Eagles, the KT Wiz and the Hyundai unicorns. Okay. Right off the bat. I'm going to eliminate. I don't like the unicorns. No.

I won't. Not because I don't like the name. I don't like the logo. Okay. Logo looks very. All right. Fine. Fine.

All right. So I'm going to say my three off the top are going to be the low T giants, the dinos and the bears just because then I can just tweet the bears are back. I'm going to say I agree with you on the low T. Okay. I like the low T giants. I'm going to look it up right now. We can pronounce it.

Yeah. Yeah. And the NC dinos and I like the SK Yverns. Yeah. Okay. Hank, anyone? Dinos. Gotta go with the dinos.

Dinos? I think we should go with dinos too. Dinos? The dinos. I mean, that's just, that's like, it's like being like seven years old and being like, you know what I really wish I could do is root for a team named the dinosaurs. So the NC dinos, that's going to be our team. They actually have a nice logo too.

Some good colors. Looks like Royals colors almost. Let's look up real quick. We're going to do a little search on it. I was hoping for a dinosaur. It's like gold and blue. Well, they probably have a dinosaur. I guarantee they have a dinosaur mascot.

Yeah. Just, just hold on, Hank. Don't, don't bash our team like that right away. They've been around for seven years. It looks like. Oh. Expansion team. Are we still an expansion team?

I would say that would make us still an expansion team, right? Finishing last place last year. Good. No one can say we're front runners. No, two years ago. They were right in the middle last year. No one can say we're front runners. They lost the wild card to the, to the twins last year.

They, uh, let's see, uh, let's see the dynos, the dynos. Oh, we have never won a championship. That's good. So that we can say we got in on the ground floor here. The Leichester City of Korean Baseball. Any guys we can recognize off the top? Aaron Alther. Uh, Nassun Berm.

Logan Voret. Uh, I'm pretty sure he was a pitcher for the Rangers last I remember. Logan Voret. Mike Wright. Okay. So we're NC Dynos guys. Okay. I like it.

Dynos mascot. This was thrilling. If you, oh, whoa, whoa, time out, time out. Can I tell you the name of the mascot? Yep. Swole Daddy. Fuck yes. All right.

The Dynos mascot is Swole Daddy. Swole Daddy is his mascot. I'm pulling up a picture of Swole Daddy right now. Holy shit. It is cool as shit. It's like, it is. It's something. It's the Loch Ness monster on steroids.

Dude. He's jacked as fuck. Oh my God. Did we get lucky on that one? This is the mountain of dinosaurs. Swole Daddy. Come at us. We need to get all the gear.

We probably, when I say we need to get all the gear, we need to just have Welker create the gear for us. Yeah. Maybe even get just a giant Swole Daddy in our studio. Yeah. Oh man. This guy is cool. He's got a huge fucking neck.

Neck for days. It's a glinting neck. And he definitely, he definitely is Swole. Oh yeah. And he's got. He's got a sick little pendant on his neck. Like a chain. He rocks a chain.

I was going to say he's a smoker and that's probably the lung box thing. He's got a tracheotomy. Yeah. But Swole Daddy. He's been intubated. We're in. Swole Daddy. The NC Dinos.

All right. I like it. I'm excited now. Yeah. I'm not going to watch. I'm excited. We're one and oh. Are we?

Winning streak. Yep. It's a fan account that I'm going to follow right now. The NC Dinos fan account. Man. That's so cool. All right. NC Dinos for NC Dinos fan.

Boom. Done. Number one. NC Dinos podcast. All right. It's on Korean. That's going to be confusing. Yeah.

You can do the translation. Smash that translate button. All right. Other news. You had some questions for coach Dugs who went on Monday night he won the Rose Bowl and then went from USC OC to Texas Tech head coach or Wreckham. Congrats. Congrats.

On Wreckham. On the head coaching job. You got to make sure you do it at an angle. Like this. Otherwise it's a loser. Yep. Off to the sides. I mean that's a big stuff for you.

Yeah. So coach Dugs the narrative around coach Dugs has been he's a career coordinator. By the way if anyone doesn't know what we're talking about because they might not live on the internet I started an NCAA dynasty with a coach that I created named Gus Dugarton who's very obese loves to throw the ball loves to blame his defense for fuck ups and I'm now in season four I started Toledo went to FSU won the Fiesta Bowl no big deal against UConn won the Rose Bowl at USC against Michigan State which was basically the national title and then now I'm at Texas Tech.

Okay. Yeah. It's actually honestly it's very impressive what you've done with coach Dugs. Right now coach Dugs is the hottest thing in sports. You've got a buzzin. You've got every single major college football count is talking about coach Dugs. The Texas Tech football account is welcoming you to Lubbock with open arms. Patrick Mahomes is excited to have you as his coach even though we don't think that

Patrick Mahomes is in the game. He's not he's not he got there in 2014. These are rosters from 2013 but I might make them. So it's remarkable. It's remarkable what coach Dugs has done in such a short amount of time but there are some narratives and as big J journalists I feel like we should address what these emerging narratives are before you lose control of them. Okay.

So the first one that I had is that coach Dugs does not care about the defensive side of the ball and he's going to get exposed. Fact. Okay. Well it's busted. The thing is it's the big 12 so that's exactly why I said yeah your defense isn't going to be worse than Baylor's. Listen the one nice thing about being coach Dugs is I am very honest about my shortcomings.

Defense is number one and I will still blame my defense if they fuck up my offense. Okay. Narrative number two. Clock management is awful. Again. Fact. So. Okay.

Clock management. I have I have a philosophy with clock management. If there's time on the clock you score points no matter what the distance no matter what the down if there's time on the clock you're going for the end zone and even if you're up late. Yeah. Even if I'm up late. Especially if you're up late.

Yeah. Style points. That's actually what yeah if you're a BCS voter. Look at style points now for actual clock management at like the end of the first half again very bad. Now I think of myself as the reverse Andy Reed. Andy Reed likes to just burn timeouts early and doesn't have any. I like to save my timeouts till there's like an ideal coach Dugs situation is 18 seconds

left with all three timeouts. You're flexible. You'd rather have them and not need them than not have them. I'll take timeouts in the locker room. I don't care. Okay. Next one. His weight makes him lose energy as the season goes on.

Also fact. So he gets lethargic by the time November rolls around. You've got it. You're susceptible to trap games. Yes. Yes. Yes. Well I've only lost one trap.

Yes. I've only lost one trap game. Georgia Tech. Georgia Tech wasn't a trap game. Georgia Tech is the definition of a trap game. It was the ACC championship game for a spot at the night. Both of us could have gone to the net. Georgia Tech.

That's not a trap. Anytime I'm with the mindset that anytime a team loses to Georgia Tech it's a trap game because you don't see the triple option coming. No, no, no. Our conversations behind the scenes you had already looked past. Oh, T-Hank. No, no, no. Spill that T-Hank.

No, no. Listen. Georgia Tech for some reason in NCAA football game they just love the triple option because if you play enough years Army, Navy and Georgia Tech are always at the top of the country. It's crazy. Yeah. I will 100% own up to UCLA being the biggest trap game of all time and I walked right into the trap.

Okay. And Coach Dugs wasn't even the best coach on that Toledo team that he debuted with. So he hasn't really earned what he's been given. He's a system coach who wrote the coattails of the head coach of that Toledo team who just won the national championship at USC University of South Carolina. Now let me ask you a question. Would you rather have a national championship or three Heismans? And a civil conflict.

And a civil conflict. Easy. Three Heismans. Yeah, three Heismans. I've won the Heismans every place I've gone. So that's a recruiting. Hey, you want to win a Heisman, come be with Coach Dugs because guess what? When he's up 30 points, he's still going to pad those stats.

You're the coach cow of NCAA football. We got to get those guys jerseys framed and put behind you as a coach. I'd also like it on the record. I've won the Heisman as a running back twice and a quarterback once. So I'm flexible. I might try to go, fuck it. I'll win it as a wide receiver. Receiver or a defensive.

No, not a defensive player. No, I'm not going to play defensive. I might just let them score just so I can like last guide wins. Yep. Um, another emerging narrative, you're a one look and go type of guy, or at least you overlook B. You don't need to pass to B. Not anymore. You see the Rose Bowl?

Rose Bowl B was on fire. I scored five touchdowns going to B. So whoever's told me, B's always open. Thank you for that because I did at one point look past B, but now I do not look past B anymore. Now I actually, you could accuse me of the reverse. Well, it's only look for B. It's just one game. It's just one game though. I got B on my sights now.

Okay. Uh, last narrative that's out there is that coach Dugs has rabid years, listens to the chat too much. Yes. Gets thrown off his game by the chat. There's at least one interception a game that is, that is 100% because of the Twitch chat. Okay.

And they will, they will goad me into interceptions right when I can't have one. I do think that, that Lubbock and Texas Tech is a perfect environment for coach Dugs type guy because it's a small enough town where sovereign immunity, your sovereign immunity. Well, no, they don't have that. No, we're going to fight that. We're going to fight that when you leave and your contract, they try to take your money from you. Yes.

Um, there aren't enough people. There aren't enough like capital J journalists in that town to really put the screws to you. So you can play fast and loose with, with recruiting. You can play fast and loose with practice rules. Yes. You can lock your players and equipment. Sheds. Correct.

All these things and no one in Lubbock is going to say anything as long as you win. What's the blind play policy as a head coach now? I'll still, I'll still mix them in. I don't know if I can do blind plays. Actually, I could do blind plays on defense. Fuck it. I'm only controlling one player. I don't, I'm going to be a Texas Tech for a year.

I'm going to give it my best, maybe two years, but I've said it and I'll say it again. Coach Dugs is like losing the national championship. He's a rambling man. Okay. He likes the road. He likes to be out there. He likes to get in on different campuses. He likes to make sure that his past doesn't catch up with him by staying one jump in front

of the NCAA. Is Mrs. Dugs and the family coming to Texas going to be a distraction? No, they're staying in Toledo. They like it there. Yeah. The schools are good. They like, I got to focus on football. I got to focus on football.

I'm very pumped. It is so sad that this is the state that we're in that like game days, I get so excited. Are you guys ranked in the top 25? Nope. Pre-season? Two and 10 last year. No respect coming. Total turnaround job.

If I can win week one against UCLA, which is tomorrow night at nine o'clock, people will be singing my praises. A lot of oil money flowing through there. Wednesday night, nine o'clock. Maybe a double header against Florida State. I can't start 0-1-2 though. Florida State and who? UCLA Revenge Game, Florida State.

And me and Billy are playing with the Cod League professional Cod Duty player before. All right. That's a hell of a meeting. Yeah. Billy's going to get fucked. It's going to be something. Fucked. Hard.

No, we're playing with him. Oh. You guys are going to fuck people. Hell yeah. Hard. All right. Let's get to our hot seat cool throne. Then we got Nick Swanson and Karan Butler coming up.

Hot seat cool throne is brought to you by our friends at Bud Light Seltzer. Try it for yourself and see why great tasting Bud Light Seltzer is putting every other hard seltzer on the hot seat. Drink a Bud Light Seltzer. Now try to drink. Oh, it says try to drink a Bud Light Seltzer and the time takes to do the ad read. Beer me. I mean seltzer me.

Okay. I'll start again. Hang on. Hang on. Does this work when you tap the top of the beer? Hold on. Hold on. Hold on.

Okay. There's a lot of shit in this office. All right. Ready? Three. That sounds so refreshing. Get that in the mic, Hank. Goddamn.

That sounds refreshing. Three. Summers here. Two. One. Hot seat cool throne is brought to you by our friends at Bud Light Seltzer. Try it for yourself and see why great tasting Bud Light Seltzer is putting every other hard Seltzer on the hot seat.

No. Didn't do it. That was too fast. You sound like a guy. Come on, bro. You sound like Busybone. BFT is wearing his Bud Light Seltzer. That's fine.

I was sweating through the shirt earlier. All right. It's just Seltzer. Hot seat cool throne. Thank you, Bud Light Seltzer. We love you. We have so much Bud Light Seltzer here. It's the best.

Go ahead. My hot seat is teachers. What? Uh-oh. Thank you. Pardon? This is Musk, who is the goat of nerd, someone say a trendsetter of the nerd community. Occupy Mars.

Occupy Mars. He had his first child and he named it X-A-E-A-12. X-A-E-A-12. Okay. What does that mean? That means that he is setting a trend. I have no idea. It's an X.

Do you think that they did like a middle name like Frank? No. Who knows? Maybe the A-E is a 12. It's a mathematical equation. It looks like a Mewtwo sound. It's not even A-E. Wait, middle name Steve.

Anyway, my point is that teachers are on the hot seat because this is going to start a trend amongst the nerd people community. We don't even have to name our kids real names. We can just do symbols and codes and so imagine being a teacher and getting a attendance sheet and being like, hey, Sam, Joe. X-A-E-12. X-A-E-12. Well, all right.

So two things. One is it's kind of the boy named Sue for nerds, right? Like you name your kid this. They're going to be a nerd because everyone's going to just be like, what is your fucking name? What's boy named Sue? Well, no, boy named Sue is the exact opposite of what you just said. No, no, I know.

But for the nerd, I'm saying it's boy named Sue for the nerd. I don't even know what boy named Sue is. Boy named Sue is a Johnny Cash song. The song goes that he was named Sue because the dad left when he was young and because his name was Sue, he had to fight all his life because everyone made fun of him and then one day he comes up and he sees his dad and they get to fight a bar fight and he's like, you're a tough son of a bitch and he's like, I know because I named you Sue. Because I knew you'd have to fight.

Right. And it would make you tough. I wouldn't be here. So if you name your kid X-A-E-A-12, then that is going to make your kid not a nerd? No, a nerd. It's keeping the nerd community alive because they won't be able to just be regular. Right. So it's forcing him into being a nerd.

So kind of is the opposite of Sue because Sue forced him into being an alpha. Right. So it's the boy named Sue for nerds. Gotcha. So X-A-E-A-12. Like Elon Musk will show up to the Sloan conference in 25 years and X-A-E-12 will be like, well, I actually think that you're wrong here, here and here. And Elon Musk will be like, I know because I named you X-A-E-12.

I gave you everything you needed. You're a nerd. So what X-A-E-A-12, it's almost like Elon Musk did the Goodwill Hunting Blackboard just for life, just like named his kid a mathematical equation it looks like and somebody's going to figure it out one day. Yeah. It's going to be like Elon Musk is going to disappear and then he's going to go on some mission to try and find him back and then 20 years later it's going to be like, what's

the passcode? Yeah. X-A-E-12. I have a question. I think it's just Python code for, I can't believe my dad had sex with my mom. I have a question for everyone. Do you think someone has already named their child COVID? Yes.

Yes. It's kind of a sick name. It happened in India. Really? Yeah. What about America? You think anyone's done it? Do you think someone's like, I don't really think this is a big deal and kind of a sick

name? Probably. Yeah. It's probably happened. I would say that somebody's probably already named their kid X-A-E-A-13. Ooh. Okay. On a different planet?

No, here. Like, after hearing this name, they're like, I'm going to go one better than Elon. Elon Musk definitely named this kid thinking like, you know, when we have the battle of the galaxies, this is a name that will actually be able to be registered. Oh, shit. I got another hot seat. This just came across my radar. By the way, my second point, which I lost, Elon Musk actually bought a home, which he's

now selling to make a school for him and his rich friends. So those teachers are fine. He literally created a private school. For himself. For himself. It's a home school. Yeah, for himself. And a different place.

It's a home school that's staffed by people he hired personally that are teachers. Correct. Okay. My other hot seat, which I didn't have until one second ago, is the Chili's in Plainville, Massachusetts. Uh-oh. What happened? Our boy, Scott Zolak, just sent out a tweet.

What did he say? Don't ever go get curbside pickup at Chili's in Plainville. My wife has been sitting in parking lot for one hour and 20 minutes in a backed up order. Oh, that's why I got, I was getting tagged in the back of the car. Go to small places or pizza shops locally. How about Chili's is still delicious, Scott. And it's worth the wait. Yeah.

How about you can't rush greatness? Yeah. Did somebody barge in on Michelangelo and he's paying the Sistine Chapel and was like, hey, can you hurry up? My wife wants to come in here and take a picture. How about if you set something free and it was meant to be, it will come back. Set your Chili's order free and if it arrives, it was meant to be. To me, it sounds like Chili's is just doing too well financially.

He knows that the product is that good. There's a wait for it. Chips on deck. Do you think Chili's has a similar situation like when all this happened? Like the oil. Like they had too many chips to offload. What do we do with the chips? The chips coming out the door.

Yeah. It just went down. They're like, we keep getting orders of chips and no one's here to order free chips. I don't think so because they're too delicious. Yeah. Free refills. They're giving, they probably give like free refills. If you order Chili's to go, they'll probably give you three orders worth of chips.

It's like offload. Yeah. It's like you're getting a five guys order and they just fill up the bag with fries. Yes. Yeah. That's what they're doing at Chili's right now. Now is actually the best time to get Chili's. Yes.

So Scott, I'm going to have to disagree with you. Respectfully. Yes. He doesn't even follow us anymore because he's got to always follow 69 people. He doesn't. What? He didn't follow me. Yeah.

He did follow me and then he unfollowed me. He cycles. He cycles because he has to keep that 69 number. Damn. My cool thing was the lads. Oh, the lads. What happened? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. No. Yeah. I got one for four price four Oh no. Yeah. No. No.

Yeah. Yeah. It's coming home. It was one of those songs where there's only one kind of immigrant. No, no, that's Ireland. It's coming home. Football's coming home.

What was that? How did it go? It was so electric. When I get older, just like a wave in claggy. It's coming home. I get knocked down. Football's coming home. But I get up again.

He drinks a whiskey drink. All house in the middle of the street. But this one with those songs, Savage Garden Truly Madly Deeply, where the song on TikTok with the British people singing it and the lads singing it, it's electric. The Savage Garden version sucks. Not nearly as good. It's too electronic.

I was like, I got to find this song and put it on my playlist. And I was just like, the Savage Garden version is terrible. They should do a rap remix and make it 21 Savage. Here we go. Be fucking fire. This is an electric song. Home, it's coming home. It's coming.

Football's coming home. Yeah, they just sang that all summer until they lost like they always do in the World Cup. And then they also have. Football's coming home. Been home. It's coming home. It's coming.

Football's coming home. It's a pretty easy song now that I've done it. They sing The Champions. Yeah. I feel like they just randomly break into that. Yeah. Although England teams usually don't do well at the Champions League.

Although they did, I think, man. No Liverpool won it. And that was talking soccer. OK. OK. Is that a thing? Who's your hot seat culture? My hot seat.

I had Hank on my hot seat because I was going to have him just read the equation that was Elon Musk's child. But I'm pulling an audible. I'm going to say that rivalries are on the hot seat. Because Texas's athletic director was asked, when will you guys schedule Texas A&M again in football? Because everyone misses that game.

He replied, we're interested in scheduling games against teams that have won national championships. Whoa. Shots fired. Actually, he could make the argument that the rivalry is back on. Big time. Because he said that they don't have a rivalry with them.

That's some. Kind of played himself into a rivalry. That's some big time language there. Because if I had to do gun to my head right now, I would definitely say Texas A&M is going to win a national title before Texas. You think so? Yeah.

A natty? Yeah, SEC. They got the road. They got a tougher schedule. They got the road. Jimbo. I think neither team is going to win national championships. I would say neither.

But if I had to go in the next 100 years, I would just pick the team that's playing the SEC. Because even if A&M doesn't win one, they can just put it on the side of their building and say, hey, we've done this. My other hot seat is Roger Gidell. Roger Gidell in the NFL is on the hot seat. There was a report that came out today

that said that there were documented, three documented cases of COVID down in Florida back in January that got covered up, that got buried, that didn't get released. And I think it's pretty clear that the NFL didn't want the Super Bowl to get canceled. That's why you guys aren't ready for that conversation. But I think that Roger Gidell had something to do. Why is he on the hot seat then?

He's been in the cool throne for making sure the Super Bowl didn't get canceled. Yeah, he did a good job on that. But this leaked. This just came out right now. So somebody's onto him. Got it. Somebody is onto Roger Gidell.

Yeah, I'm going to say good job. It's the last sporting event ever. It was great. It was such a fun time. It was great. My cool throne is attractive girls selling COVID masks and tweet replies. I don't know if you guys have seen this yet.

So if you know anything about medical device sales or pharmaceutical sales, you know that they like to hire the most attractive women possible. Or do you want offensive linemen? That's really your only. They've lost 40 pounds. Yeah, somebody that won the Heisman as an option quarterback. And now they just go out and play golf

and sell medical devices. But usually it's an attractive girl because the horniest people in America are middle-aged doctors. And so if you can get an attractive girl in the door, a doctor will buy whatever they want from them. That's been taken to the internet. And now we've got attractive girls

that are just replying to all sorts of tweets from verified accounts, non-verified accounts. I don't know where they're getting their prospect list from, but they're all over the place just trying to sell these masks. And it works because I think Twitter reply people are hornier even than doctors. Yes.

So yeah, I almost bought a mask today. Absolutely. I've seen a bunch of them too. Just getting spammed with them. Yeah. Spammed. I might just have to, but if you buy one, do you get to like- They stop.

They stop. They stop. Okay, that's fair. All right, my hot seat is my face. My face is on my hot seat because I grossly misjudged the weight I need to be at to shave my beard. Really misjudged. I don't mean this-

I think you look normal. I don't mean this in an insulting way, big cat. I lost on that one. But the scarf that's around your neck constantly, pushing up on your neck into your cheek. Listen, it doesn't help. The scarf is there because I forget my mask all the time. And I'm trying to be a good citizen of New York

and make sure I have a mask all the time. So until I can be in a, it's like a pair of sunglasses. Right. Just lose them right away. I'm just saying, you might want to take it off occasionally when it's dry. It's like a turtleneck. It just pushes, it makes your face like a foreskin

gets pushed up over your gels. Yeah. By the way, most relatable thing ever, like first time that my son was really my bro was on Sunday, we bought him some sunglasses and we gave them to him. And I think we walked for about a hundred yards before they were gone.

Lost him already? Lost him. I was like, dude. Love it. Just party too hard. Welcome to life. You got to lose those sunglasses. You got to get shady rays though.

That's why. Okay. My cool, yeah, I'm just, I just misjudged it. I need to be 10 pounds lighter to have a mustache. You'll get there. I did it and I looked at myself and I was like, you fuck that up, dude. Just stop snacking.

You know I can't stop snacking. My cool throne is fear. I had the fear thing on Monday. Well, fear is fighting back because since Monday, we've had new stories about a new mutant strain of coronavirus. You're getting fear, you're getting fear porn again. No, no, no.

It's not a mutant. Okay, whatever. It's a fucking, what do you call it? You got fear porn. Transformer, X-Men, whatever it is. And then there's also the coronavirus stories are going around that your toes fall off. No.

That's the most terrifying thing. I'm saying no, sir. Take all, listen to the doctors, take precautions, but do not let the fear porn take you down. Cause I saw those stories back to back. I was like, you got to be shitting me. Mutant coronavirus. They know exactly what they're doing

about putting the word mutant in a headline. It's bullshit. It is bullshit because what happened was the virus slightly changed. It always changes. It's the same virus. Dude, the virus always changes, okay? You're not the same guy you were two days ago.

Right, it's growing. Right. It's taster developing. Right, it's a teenager now. Yeah, study says mutant coronavirus has emerged and is more contagious. That is blatantly, let's scare the fuck out of him. It's like saying when a kid finally

doesn't hate Brussels sprouts, it's a mutant now. No more fear. So stay strong. And then also my cool turn on is J.Crew. I feel like we're gonna get a good deal off this or no. Yeah, probably. Well, go to Marshalls. Wasn't there something else?

Get some sweaters or something? I don't know. What was that big department store that went out of business a couple of weeks ago? Oh, I don't remember. We should all just go. No, Marshalls is on the come up because it's getting all this sweet J.Crew shit.

Yeah. It also got, was it Neiman Marcus? Yeah, that's what it was. I think Neiman Marcus has given all, so. We need to just fucking hook ourselves up with the sickest button downs that every male, white male over the age of 30 owns. Dude, I call dibs on the blue picnic table one.

I got dibs on the green polo shirt, but also the cardigan that wraps around the waist. And the extra pleated khakis. Nice, nice. Okay, Hank, you want any dibs on anything from J.Crew? No, not your style. There'll be like a quarter zip pullover. Oh, I got the vest too.

So give me the vest. I want the vest. What about the vest that looks like your squash player? Those are pretty sweet too. Yeah, I'll take that as well. I'll take any type of vest. Puffy, skinny. Loafers, give me some loafers.

Is it true the bigger the vest, the more money you have in your private equity fund? Absolutely. I think so. That's what I've been told. Yeah, that's exactly right. The skinny vests are like day one noobs. Actually, you know what I always think?

If a guy doesn't have pockets on his pants, that guy's rich as fuck. Or Michael Scott wearing a European suit. Women's. Women's suit that he thought was European. All right, let's get to our interviews. We got Nick Swartzen up first, then Karan Butler before we do Nick, a word from our very good friends,

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We love our me undies. So go again, meundies.com slash take. All right, here he is, Nick Swartzen. Okay, we now welcome on a very special guest. It is comedian, actor, Nick Swartzen. He has a new movie out on Netflix, May 13th, The Wrong Missy. It's great to finally get you on, Nick. We've been circling this interview for a while now.

So much so that I went and looked back at our conversations in DM, and I just found out a shocking fact that I had forgotten about you. You're a fucking Duke fan? Oh, yeah. Oh. How does that happen?

God. Why? What's going on, man? We hate Duke. We hate Duke. You're from Minnesota. We hate Duke. You should be a Wisconsin fan. That's understandable.

A Wisconsin fan, what the fuck? I went to Wisconsin. He makes a joke about reciprocity because he thinks it's weird. But how did you end up a Duke fan grow up in Minnesota? I've been a Duke fan since like the 80s. So I was a fan before they ever did anything.

I was a fan back with like Johnny Dawkins, Snyder, Danny Ferry, Robert Brickie, all those guys. I just watched them. I was like, these guys are fucking dope. And then I found out my cousin went there and I was like, oh, cool. And then I just started watching them. And I just became obsessed with Duke basketball.

I've gone to like 10 final fours. I've seen them on it twice. And yeah, I just met a Die Hard Duke fan. Did you go to, what was the year you last saw him win it? I, the last year I saw them when it was 2010. Okay. So you weren't at 2015. That never happened. Do you, I liked that you're like a-

Well, my brother went to fucking Madison. Okay. So yeah, that was fucked up. You could, Duke wins too much. But I don't want to make this a Duke podcast. I do like though that you are basically like the guy who bought Microsoft at $2. And you're like, I like Duke in the 80s, dude. I got all the Dukes.

I always have to, I always have to say that cause people jump on like Dukes a piece of shit immediately. It's, it's basically when you wear a Duke t-shirt anywhere, it's like, yeah, you immediately get to get hated on. But I mean, whatever, fuck. All right. Coach K is a classic. He's phenomenal.

Yeah. He fakes injuries whenever the chips, you know, get, when things get tough, he's- The first person to ever be dramatic about an injury. I mean, to be fair, they did go to three final fours in the 80s. They weren't exactly chopped little. Yeah, but they didn't win until 91.

Yeah, it's true. All right. Let's find common ground. The Packers, you want to do that? How much we hate the Packers? Yay! How great was their draft? Oh, unbelievable. Pretty solid, pretty solid.

Everyone's like, are you excited about the Minnesota draft? I was like, yeah. I mean, I saw those picks, those picks coming, but I just, the Packer draft, I was like, oh, yes. But is there a small part of you who like thinking like, fuck, Jordan Love will probably be a Hall of Famer just cause that's how it always works out for them. Yeah. I mean, obviously you never know how it's going to play out.

I just like that they're in, you know, it's just discombobulated for a minute. So that, just the drama over there brings me joy. Yes. Where do we stand on Kirk Cousins? I mean, you know, I like Kurt, he's a good quarterback. Kurt, yeah. That was the most Vikings, I have friends who are Vikings fans

and your response there is every single Vikings fans response, a deep sigh and then a, you know, he's a good guy. That's all you can say about him. And I rooted for him for, I think three years when he was in DC and that's the best compliment. It's like, he's, he seems like a guy that you would trust to park your car. You do the thing where you have to like,

actually talk yourself into him repeatedly when, when asked. Well, I mean, what are you going to do? I'm not going to be one of those people that's like, I don't know, yeah, fuck him. It's like, he's under contract. He's playing for us. He's not a bad quarterback. I mean, you know, the thing about him, he's just,

he's not mobile. I mean, it's, it's, it's almost comical when shit hits a fan where he's just like, okay, bye. Yeah. He turtles. Have you noticed that his head definitely got bigger when he became a Viking and like, he had to wear that purple helmet. Like it looks bigger now.

Yeah. We enlarge the helmets. What about, you know, would you rather have Kirk Cousins or Sam Bradford? Uh, Kirk Cousins. Would you rather have Kirk Cousins or step on dicks? I mean, they're different positions, but there's a real problem that happened. I mean, I would, I would probably rather have Cousins.

I love this. This is, I mean, you're doing what I've done with every shitty bears quarterback where I'm just like, dude, who else are you going to pay? I mean, the bears, there's another, I'm on a tech thread with a lot of Mike is a lot of Mike is a lot of Mike is a lot of Mike is a lot of Mike is a lot of Mike is a lot of Mike is a lot of Mike is a lot of Mike

is a lot of comedians come out of Chicago. I mean, a fucking billion. So I'm on a tech thread with a lot of those guys and it's literally 10 bears fans and then me. And I just watch the scroll of fucking meltdowns. And I just, as a bystander, I just sit there and I'll chime in a couple of times. They're like, fuck you, but, you know, it does,

it does all kind of gravitate towards hating the packers. So I mean, that's one great thing about the NFC North is like, you can always go, okay, well, fuck those guys. Yeah. Yeah. So I have a question about your Vikings like game day ritual. Are you, do you get drunk for every game? Cause the way you tweet, you tweet like a madman, like a true fan.

I love that about your Twitter, but I always imagine you're just black out drunk when you're tweeting in all caps, yelling at everyone. Yeah. I mean, it depends. There was one season I went hard in the paint. On Twitter, where I completely lost my mind. I mean, alcohol was for sure involved. I mean, that's another Midwest thing too.

It's like, it is just such a shit storm of alcohol that, I mean, there's games, full games I've been to, no recollection of being there. I mean, the pre-game rituals, the tailgating, then into the bar, then into the stadium, and then throughout the game. I mean, it's just like, and win or lose, there's no like, I'd say like a lot of time,

there's no saving grace. So if you win, it's about, and if you lose, you're like, bye world. Yeah. Am I going to drink because I'm happy or am I going to drink because I'm sad? That's what you have to do with that. Yeah. So it's always insanity. Are you guys big tailgate?

I used to tailgate. Yeah. I used to tailgate before games, but then it became an issue where it's like, okay, when you tailgate, you usually miss the first quarter, at least. You know, you get in at the start of the second quarter, and then it's a pain in the ass to get in, pain in the ass to get out.

I just stopped going to games because it's so much better at home watching on TV. I mean, at the end of the day, it is, you know, just in terms of just watching a game, I mean, you get so much more when it's live. You don't really know what's going on. Yeah. Like sometimes you're just like, what? You know, there's no replay and everyone's just out of funnel.

Did you see it? Who saw it? And you're like, I don't know, you're in the bathroom. I'm like, yeah, I know. Did anyone? Yeah. Completely just a shell of a human. The perfect, I actually think the tailgate is better than going to the game.

I would, if a perfect Sunday would be to tailgate, then go watch all the games because there's something about a tailgate when you have that vibe where everyone's excited for what could possibly happen and everyone's in a great mood. And you got that like cold, have I pissed myself? You know, everyone's passing around booze and food.

There's nothing like a tailgate vibe before a big game. Yeah. And there's also, should I piss myself? Yes. Yes. Yes. It's also like, hey man, should I just flip the switch here and maybe warm up for about 10 seconds? Yeah. And then instantly regret it for the rest of the afternoon you're like, but it felt really good for those 10 seconds.

I heard a story about, I believe it was, I don't know if I'm misquoting it, but it was Bear's fans that went to a Packer game and it was freezing out. And their goal was to piss and shit themselves so much in the stands that they were completely disgusting to be around. And that was their goal.

They just shoved beer in as much as they could and completely defecated and soiled themselves to such a repulsive way. So they're like, win or lose, we're going to ruin this experience for everyone around us. I respect that. And I just thought that was really, really admirable. You know what I used to do?

I used to go tailgate. I get drunk in the parking lot and then I just didn't have enough money to buy a ticket for the game. So I'd stay in the parking lot and watch the game on a TV, like in the back of a car or like out of the back of a truck or something like that. And you could hear the in-game noise

from the stadium on the outside. That was pretty cool. Yeah, that's cool. I remember I did a show in Indiana once and my buddy that I was with was like, hey, let's go to a Notre Dame football game. And I'm like, okay, I'd never been before. It was pretty badass.

And we went and people think tailgating. I mean, I was always like, oh, it's like a college thing. Dude, the Notre Dame tailgate were people in their 80s, these old Notre Dame fans, and they were ripping Jameson at fucking eight in the morning, like it was water. Yes. And I was in my 20s at the time and I was like, oh my Lord.

Yes. This is the goal. The tailgate at Notre Dame is unlike any other just because it is the oldest tailgate, but it still goes pretty hard and you have like a bunch of old dudes with their class rings and cigars just having a great time. So yeah, you're absolutely right on that.

I had a, let's do a little comedy talk. Yeah. Oh, you don't want to. All right, fine. Let's just talk sports. No, no, no, it's fine. Tell me a joke. All right, remember the night, I saw a video, Nick.

Remember the 99 Vikings? The 99, yeah. Playoffs 99. After the 98. Yeah. I saw a video about that team. That team was good, man. They should have won it.

Well, yeah, that was horrible. The 98 season was a fucking disaster. The 15 and one team. Yeah, that was probably the worst. Yeah. The worst thing ever that we lost at home. Yeah. To Atlanta.

Yeah. Gary Anderson hadn't missed a kick all year. Yeah. More than Anderson. He nailed it. Yeah, that's probably, I can't imagine that's not the worst moment, I mean, in Minnesota history.

No. That was a nightmare. It was one of those things where it was almost too good where it just didn't even, it was cartoonish how we were beating people. And it was, that just set the precedent of just heartbreak and vomit awful feelings for a long time. But you guys had Randy Moss and Chris Carter.

That's pretty cool. Yeah, that's crazy that you lost that game. Yeah. Really good offensively. What about Blair Walsh? Where's the comedy part of the setup that you were talking about? No, you didn't seem like you wanted to joke around with it.

Fuck it. Face. All right, let's talk about it. I made a face and you read into the face. Okay, first come. I will say, wait, wait, wait, I will say, Blair Walsh, God bless Blair Walsh, he's a sweet dude and I definitely lost my mind about that.

And it was kind of understandable, but, you know, that's when I digress from kind of, you know, going after players and being so mad. But, you know, when you're missing extra points on the regular, it just got to be like, okay, let's just like, just caught the guy. Like this is insane. But I do, you know, I digress from shitting on athletes

because I know it's hard as fuck and, you know, I'm hammered at a bar and so fuck me. Have you ever broken a TV over the Vikings? No, I have not broken a television set, but I have come pretty close. There's times where I should not have been in public. Okay, yes. Where I would get obliterated.

If I couldn't go to a game, if I was stuck in LA, I would go out and a lot of the times I was just like, I just shouldn't be out. Right. Like that's just, I've cried in public. Uh-huh. I've cried at bars. That's the most mainly thing you can do

is cry in public over a football game. Yeah, I've done that a couple of times. I wept openly when Blair Walsh missed the 27 yard field goal against Seattle and we didn't go to the playoffs and I walked out of the bar and just started crying. Yeah, you were so drunk that was the playoffs. Yeah. Yeah, Bug Grant walked out on the field before the game.

It was like negative 10 degrees. Every game is a playoff game. Yeah. That's how much I think every game is a playoff game. All right. So that's some comedy right there. You cried over football like that. So I want to go back to your youth real quick

because there's some stuff on Wikipedia about it that you've probably been asked about a million times. But it says that you got expelled four times in school. That doesn't really seem like an expulsion if they do it for if they let you back three times and keep kicking you out. You just got suspended a lot. It shouldn't be.

There was talk of expulsion. It was kind of like, OK, this is getting ridiculous. And I'm like, I know, right? This is ridiculous. I'll just I won't do that again. And then it would be a different thing. And they're like, what is going on? I'm like, it's weird, right?

I don't even know. Let's just, you know, and I somehow I talked my way out of it, but it also just was centered around drugs. Like the main one where I it was really bad was I smoked a blunt in school during school inside school. I was arrested and had to go to court ordered rehab. You had to rehab for pot. Yeah, I had to go to a fucking rehab thing

and I had to take classes and it was super dumb. But yeah, I mean, I let up a blunt in school. It was fucking insane. I mean, my buddy skip class went to the auditorium and we're like, oh, I'll just smoke this blunt. And that's, you know, I went to high school in the 90s. This one like Cyprus Hill came out and everything. So we were just ripped a blunt and it just carried out

through the auditorium and then into school. And then the cops kicked in the doors and handcuffed us. And we were walked through lunch period and just wreaking like weed. So it was it was pretty awesome. Yeah, it's pretty fucking cool. But then you have to go to rehab and you're probably in rehab with people

who are there for serious drug issues. You're like, I smoked weed. Yeah, I was like, I smoked a blunt and other people are like, I poured Drano into my dick. I'm like, all right, well, can I leave now? Um, I'm always curious to this because you started comedy at such a young age, 18, 17, 17. I started improv when I was 17 and then stand up when I was 19.

What was the moment where you're like, I'm actually good at this? Like, this is going to be my career. It was probably, well, when I went to rehab, I had to clean up and my grades were such garbage. And so I was like, OK, I need an easy A. So I was like, oh, I'll take theater. I'm like, that's an easy A. So I took theater and then the teacher was like,

you're really good. And then we did our school play and I played a comedic role. And the crowd was just laughing. And usually they would boo. They would boo everything. It was so hard to keep their attention. So that I just remember that moment, that kind of power of an entire auditorium of high school kids.

And they were losing their minds, laughing. And I was like, oh, shit. And so what that did was it basically replaced all the drugs that I was doing. So I was like, oh, and I just got that high from that. And then I became addicted to that, essentially. So then I started doing improv. And then after high school, my grades were still shit. So I was like, oh, I'll try stand up.

And so I tried stand up and that was it was insane. And I became fully addicted, fully addicted to it. And I just threw my entire life into it. I slept in my car, I drove across the country, did any gigs I could. I just was so focused and dialed in and it just took over my life. I also read somewhere where you were not discouraged, but the people you're doing stand up around in the 90s were like,

it's it's the stand up booms over. There's no money in this. And I feel like that's kind of similar to right now, where people are trying to make whether it be podcasts or whatever it may be, their own content. Like, what was the thing that kept you going when everyone's telling you, dude, this is not a livelihood? Like, you can't do this anymore.

I mean, it was really the love of doing it. I mean, the comics that came up around that time just really loved doing it. You know, it was that that's what the driving force was. I mean, I didn't have this grandiose. I mean, I was hoping it would lead to something. And, you know, obviously being an actor and doing bigger things. But it was it's so hard to explain stand up. I don't know. I don't have a podcast.

I don't have any of that type of stuff. But, you know, anything that you really believe in or passionate about, if you if you do that and success comes, that's great. But I mean, if you're fulfilled doing what you love, you can't really put a price on it. You know, so you were really good at stand up. And it was pretty clear that you were good at it. You enjoyed it. You were talented.

And then you try to make the transition into acting, being a stage actor. Well, luckily, I had acted before that. So I had already done theater and already done all these plays and done all this stuff. So and then I did improv and then I did stand up. So stand up was the last thing that I had done. And me and my buddy, who one of my best friends in high school, his name is Colton Dunne. And he's on the show Superstore on NBC. So he blew up too.

And then we used to make videos all the time in high school and we would make sketches and do all this shit. So I had already had so much of development of skill set once I had gotten into stand up. So the transition into acting and stuff wasn't that difficult for me. Right. You had like a baseline there already. I get it. When you're when you were writing your stand up material, when you're performing it, what was it that got you addicted? Was it hearing the laughs in the audience?

Or was it like a moment that you would write something and it would make yourself laugh and you'd be like, OK, this is funny. I like this. It was kind of both. I mean, when you're when you have a great set in stand up, it's there's just nothing like it. And especially when you're not known and you know, you don't have a fan base and you just make fucking 300 random people laugh. You know, it's just it's it's just a feeling that's insane. It's there's nothing like it.

And then once you get older and start doing more stuff, you appreciate, you know, I've developed a million TV shows. I've developed films. I've shot, you know, X, Y, Z, all that stuff. But to be able to write a joke, go on stage that night and get an immediate reaction is ridiculous. You know, there's no producers. Nobody telling you what to do. There's nobody saying, oh, it's not funny. There's it's just the most pure organic thing ever. And it's something that, you know, comics, we always have that outlet.

You know, I mean, that's why when people go like, oh, that's Dan, you know, I saw a movie was any soccer, you know, they're not a good actor. It's like, well, yeah, well, fuck you, you know, like it's it's a different skill set. I mean, to be able to make somebody laugh on stage is so unique and priceless. You know, I'm always curious when it comes to creative people, when you have something that is hilarious and objectively hilarious, but maybe doesn't get critical acclaim. Does that ever discourage you at all?

Like, obviously, Grandma's Boy is a hilarious movie. It wasn't a blockbuster movie. Reno 901 is, in my mind, one of the funniest shows ever that didn't get like the just deserve of being like, holy shit, this show is insanely funny. Does it ever discourage you when it's not the crossover like transcendent? Everyone loves it. Oh, you mean like the movie Bucky Larson that I did that got zero percent

on Rotten Tomatoes? I didn't say that. I was going to say that. I was going to say pixels, but we could go with Bucky Larson. Well, you've done such funny stuff, but sometimes it's not like I don't know. It's it's a weird. No, I know what you're 100 percent know what you're saying. Yeah, I mean, it's discouraging, but at the end of the day, you go, you know, you did your best. And as long, I mean, the thing that's hard is when you do something

and it doesn't get the critical acclaim or or box office success that allows you to keep doing stuff. So people will be like, hey, we love Grandma's Boy. How can we didn't do any more movies like that? And it's like, well, nobody saw it. So it doesn't allow you to keep going. So, you know, it's that's the only tricky part. I mean, the final product is the final product, whatever happens, happens.

When we were making Grandma's Boy, I remember very distinctly, this movie is going to bomb at this is not going to make any money. I just knew it, but I knew it was hilarious. Yeah. So I remember when it came out, I was like, oh, OK. And they were like, yeah, tanks. And I'm like, yeah, no shit, Amy. How do you market a movie like that? And I was like, when this hits DVD, this is going to fucking explode

because everybody will find it. And that's essentially what happened. I think they said they gave me some number back in the day of what it made on DVD sales. And it was like fucking like avatar. It's like it was ridiculous. Yeah. One of the heads of Blockbuster said it was one of their most stolen movies they've ever had.

Wow. That makes sense. And I didn't want that to come across as like I was I'm a huge fan in those shows and that Grandma's Boy. Oh, no, no, no. I knew exactly what you were saying. Yeah. I knew exactly what you were saying. Yeah. And Reno 911 like I didn't take anything. Reno 911 should be rewatched like I'm not going to say the office, but pretty closely. It should be rewatched like that.

It was that funny. Yeah. Reno was fucking amazing. They have a new season of Reno out to I'm not on it, though, but they have a new season on Quibi, I think. Yes, Quibi. So I read that you got a call when you were out in LA from Adam Sandler. I don't know if it was from directly, you know, from the Sandman himself or it was from his people.

But when you got a call and was like, hey, he wants to talk to you, wants to meet up, talk about some projects you can work on, were you nervous going into that meeting or were you like had you heard already that Adam Sandler is the nicest person on planet Earth? I had never heard anything bad about him. It was one of those things my manager called me and it was pretty surreal to the point where I didn't even think it was real. I couldn't put my brain around it, you know what I mean?

So they were like, yeah, he wants to sit down and shoot the shit. So he had seen my first comedy special on Comedy Central. So I just went in and just shot the shit with him. You know, I mean, I was obviously a fan. One of the clubs I started at New York was one of his home clubs. So we had Common Ground just from that area. But yeah, it was just I just talked to him like a regular dude, you know, and he's just such a normal guy.

So that's why we've always hit it off is because at the end of the day, we're not assholes, you know, so it was like just guys talking shop. And then he was like, we have this script, Grandma's Boy, because he knew I was a writer. I had written the movie Malibu's Most Wanted was the first screenplay I had done. And he was like, would you look at this script and make it rated R and crazy? Because it was a broad PG-13 romantic comedy. That's what Grandma's Boy was.

And he goes, make it fucking insane. Write yourself in the movie, whatever part you want, and just make it insane. And I was like, all right. And then I sat down with Alan Covert and went over a draft. And he was like, yeah, fuck, yeah, it was great. Did you write the scene where the guy accidentally nuts on the lady that walks in the bathroom? I can't remember if I wrote that because I feel like that's a really easy way.

If somebody is like, hey, I've got this script, can we punch it up? We just need to push it over the edge and making it R. It's like, yeah, you're going to nut accidentally on your best friend's mom. I can't remember if that was mine or not, but I did bring in like all the robot guy and the monkey and the lion and the racecar bed. And I mean, almost all the dialogue. I mean, the robot guy was the trickiest. I conceived that whole character and people are like, what is this?

I'm like, he's like thinks he's a robot. So he goes into like a split personality and they're like, what the fuck? So I was the only one that knew how to do it. So when we were auditioning actors, you know, we would see who would understand what it was. And then I would have to, you know, kind of coach him and be like, no, it's like this and then goes back to talking normal. Well, what's crazy is I feel like Elon Musk is not far away from that character

right now. Like you wrote Elon Musk into existence. Yep. I created him. You created him. I'm a foundation of Tesla. Everyone's got to check out the wrong Missy May 13th out on Netflix. We have one last question, I think. Yeah. Well, you probably heard about it already because you are good friends with with the Sandman. I don't know if you noticed, but we call him the Sandman because we're good

friends with him already. Are you what your schedule will look like? Are you open to being pitched a movie? Yeah. OK, so there's a dog. You had no choice. You had no choice. Yeah, you have no choice. I'll frame it to you this way. You know how King Lear got written by Shakespeare during during the plague?

He's leaving. Come back, come back, come back, come back. Adam Sandler, David Spade, Zeke Efron, they're all in it. Elevator pitched. I swear to God, we've interviewed all of them. Dan Patrick, they're all in it. They're signed on loosely attached. Yeah. Tofer Grace, loosely attached. It's about a dog, a sled dog that has a boner and he gets lost in the woods.

And he uses, it's called boner dogs. And he uses the trailer from his boner to get back like a Hansel and Gretel meets Rudolph the Red Nosed Ranger type situation. He's got this boner and the irony is he can't fuck. He's neutered, but he has a boner. So everyone makes fun of him. Oh, you look at your little red lipstick going around everywhere. But it's actually the boner because he's neutered.

They cut his balls off. Yeah. Also, also he's asexual. But he has a boner, though. Can he put his boner and he just can't not? We couldn't figure out a way to get the dogs to give consent to each other either. What's crazy is he's a really good wrestler and he loves wrestling, but nobody will wrestle with him because obviously he's got this boner all the time. So they don't play with him and it's really sad.

But then it turns out that he saves the entire, what do you call a colony of a pack of dogs? He saves the entire pack of dogs because of the boner that drags to the snow. We actually will. Farrell, Adam Sandler leaves a trail of dragging through the snow. Yeah. Right, right.

It's Hansel and Gretel meets Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. Is there a scene where his boner gets frostbite and they might have to cut it off? Sure. Yeah, there can be. Right there. He just punched it up. Now it's an R. And then David's made us to warm it up with his mouth and save it?

Yes. He gives mouth to mouth to the boner. We've actually given away a lot of parts, including Adam Sandler to be the producer. I don't think we've. Who the fuck am I? I think I don't think we've given away the part, the voice of the boner. We have not.

You could be. You would be a great voice. The boner. Also, have you ever been Adam's boss on a project? Not no, not technically. Would you like to be Adam's boss? Fund it. You can be his boss.

You can be executive producer. He's just fucking fund it. Yeah, you got to fund it, but you get to be his boss. We would have to play some real shenanigans to trick him into doing that. Oh, no, we've already talked to him. We literally have talked to him. He's in him and KG. You're both said he said that if uncut gems doesn't win an Oscar or doesn't get

nominated, he's going to make the worst movie ever. Well, we came along and we're like, hey, dude, we got it. Boner knocks. Yeah. Opportunity meets preparation. Perfect moment in time together. Also, it's going to be an animated short and we're doing all the voiceovers on the island that they made Firefest on.

So you get to go to the Bahamas. Yeah. Mm hmm. That is a little side treat. You just dropped in right at the end. So is this a yes that we can put your name on the poster? Yes. OK, done.

I think that's actually the first yes. No, Zac Efron. Zac Efron, the only two that have told us that they're in for us to use their name and the other is other people. We forgot to put Zac Efron's name on the poster when we made the initial poster. We basically just been pitching this movie for the last three years trying to get people to verbally commit so then we can attach them to it to go up the ladder. I see.

I see how this plays out. Who's next on your list? Well, I was about to ask you. So this great this opportunity we have for you is if you can now find two more people to be in it, then you get a cut of their salary to correct. And then if they find two more people, your two most famous friends, get them attached and then we will give you a producing credit. OK, I'm intrigued.

All right, perfect. You're done. You're in. Oh, also, I'm going to just I don't know why I'm going to plug Bucky Larson, because I got a zero percent on raw tomatoes. So that was a project that is a glaring example of a project that I love. I think it's fucking amazing. And it got the worst reviews ever. And people like that movie sucks.

I'm like, do you see it? And they're like, no. And I'm like, well, you can't just say that. So I stand by that movie. So while you're in quarantine, it's a hard art. It might even it's like hard. The hardest are it's pretty hard. OK, that's like a hard one. All right. Yeah, go watch Bucky.

I tell you what, go watch Bucky Larson, review it on rotten tomatoes and let's see if we can get it up to one percent. Yeah, that would be nice. Thank you. Yes, perfect. And now let's hope we have a fucking football season. It'll happen. Yes. Yes. Nick, thank you so much. We really appreciate it.

Everyone go watch The Wrong Missy on Netflix. Thanks, man. Yeah, cheers, guys. Good to talk to you. Thanks, man. That interview with Nick Swanson was brought to you by Dude Wipes and the dude brand in general. The dudes from Dude Wipes are back to save all our asses from toilet paper again. This time with the brand new Dude Wiper 1000. It's a bidet attachment.

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Now for something completely different. OK, we now welcome on NBA Champion, a 14-year career. It is Karan Butler, aka Tough Juice. You can listen to his podcast, The Tough Juice Podcast, with Karan Butler. Thank you for joining us. And since it's because since we are living in these weird times, I thought the best place to start is I'm curious from your perspective

if you are still playing in the league right now and Adam Silver called up and said, hey, we're going to go live in a bubble or live in a hotel and play the rest of the season. Would you do it? Would you leave your family? Yeah, I mean, when you look at the observation of that, you can take two perspectives from it or even multiple perspectives. But the way that I look at it is that

they're they're going to go through all the due diligence to make sure that everyone is safe. So to be in a bubble, but to be doing something that you love. I know everybody's antsy to get back to some sense of normal. So, you know, I will I will be open to it. And then you also got to look at the financial situation. One, if it's safe and it's a healthy environment, that's great. Two, being able to forfeit that time away from your family

after we're coming off 50, 50 days in count being with them and a controlled environment. I mean, I think it's like the end in the Yang. Like it's a give take situation. And it's something that you have to be open to. Yeah. So your podcast is called Tough Juice. It's your nickname. It's a great nickname.

That nickname kicks ass. Tough Juice is I mean, it's unique. It kind of lets people know, hey, this is not a guy to be fucked with. How did you get the nickname Tough Juice? So crazy, bro, because in the course of my career, I always played through injuries and, you know, whatever, lingering shit that was happening or going on. And I remember one time I think that I was supposed to be out

for three to five weeks or whatever with the injury. And I showed up to shoot around and I'm walking through and Coach Eddie Jordan with the Washington Wizards at the time. He was like, you playing? And I was like, yeah, I'm playing. He was like, damn, I thought you was out. I was like, no, he was like, man, you weren't tough, motherfucker. And that's the name that's kind of stuck from there.

He's like, I'm going to call you Tough Juice. So Coach Eddie Jordan gave me the name and I knew it was real when I'm playing in the game versus the Boston Celtics, the big three, Ray Allen, Paul Pierce, Kevin Garnett. And he was like, damn, Tough Juice, I filed KG. And he was like, damn, Tough Juice, and it just kind of stuck. I was like, damn, it's a household name, so let's stick with it. I like it. Yeah, those Wizards teams, they were there were a couple of years

there where they were actually sneaky, good, like a really fun team. And you guys had some battles against the Cavaliers early on in LeBron's career in the playoffs there. I actually think that if you and Gilbert were both healthy in 2007, that could have been the year that you took him out of the playoffs. But going up against him when he was, I guess, was he a rookie or I guess his his second year, was there something about him in the playoffs when you're going up against me?

You're like, this guy is going to truly be great. He's going to fulfill everything that people have written about him. You know what, bro, that's a great question. People always say, did you know or whatever the case may be? I'm like, yo, all I knew is that whatever it is, he had it. And we like to use the term as professional athletes, you know, because if you if you make it to that level of being a professional athlete, everybody's like, oh, man, you special.

But we were all special, but he was different and he was part of that different cloth and LeBron was just I remember the first time I was like, maybe maybe the moment is too big for him. Maybe he had shit his pants or something. That was not the case. He just answered every call. So, you know, our schemes varied every year. The first year that we played against him was like, fuck it, make him a pass.

We found out that he could really pass. Then the second year, it was like, all right, make him score. We found out he could really score. And it was like, all right, make him do all the other things like force him to his left hand, force him. He did that well, too. So we found out that he was a complete basketball player. And I think a lot of people in the association,

he put a lot of people on notice because he's the hell of a talent. So speaking of those wizards team, you were front row for the famous Gilbert Arenas Gun Incident. Would you say that was the overreaction of the like the century? How would you classify that? You know, initially, I spoke on the gun incident and, you know, it was it was a misfortune in situation for one of ours and then also Gilbert as well. And, you know, when I found out how impactful it was on my brother Gilbert

and what what what it did to him, you know, from his career standpoint, I told him, you know, me personally, I wasn't going to speak on the shit no more. I was like, man, this is your story to tell, you know, and I don't feel comfortable if you're not comfortable with somebody else, you know, steering your narrative or putting that out there. So, you know, I agreed upon just, you know, leaving it alone, let him tell the story the way he sees fit him and Javars and, you know, let them tell their truth one day, you know.

But it was it was this it was super unfortunate. I think that whenever people have shit happen in a life, I'm here talking to you because I got a second chance, right? Yeah, I'm hosting shows and I'm doing some magnificent things in my life because somebody said, you know what, the shit that he did before, you know, he paid his debt to society, let's give him a fresh start. And I hope that at some point, you know, we remember Gilbert as, you know, the great talent, which he was, because when you talk about basketball

and prolific scoring, you cannot tell the story of basketball without mentioning agent zero. So I hope that that get glorified a little more than one of his mishaps. That's a great point. It's a great lesson learned. So I'll give you an easier question, something a little different. When was the last time you had some Mountain Dew? I don't fuck with that no more, bro. You were an addict. You were a full blown addict, man. I was a full blown addict, man, with the Mount Dews, bro.

Like I went through like withdrawals with that shit. Like seriously, people don't understand. Like I used to have a leader, like just in my locker, like cold as hell. Fuck it. That was the rookie hazing. Like I used to send the rookies. I was like, yo, give me 20 straws, handful of straws and a Mount Dew. They like a Mount Dew. I'm like, yes. Well, give me a fucking Mount Dew and watch me score 20. On a belly full of Mountain Dew.

You ever fuck with like Code Red or Live Wire? Was it always just straight up Mountain Dew? Straight up Mount Dew like that. Look, shout out to Code Red and all the other shit. The regular Mount Dew did it for me. I don't know why I wasn't like a mascot for them or some shit because, bro, I was I was a Mount Dew addict and I had some of my best seasons. Drinking that shit.

They should have made a flavor called Mountain Dew tough juice. Yeah. Would you drink a full leader before you played a game? Bro, so sometimes I would drink like half a liter. If I had a two liter, I'd drink it halfway, right? And then I'll have like the ball boys, the equipment guy bring the Mount Dew and Gatorade cups because it looks like Gatorade. So I would have them have cups in a straw in back of the bench. Third quarter comes down Mount Dew. No cramps.

Then fourth quarter come down Mount Dew. Get buckets. I didn't get winners because of that shit, man. That's so you need to actually be graded. Your entire career needs to be graded on a curve. Like let's add a couple more all star games in another title because you were fucking drinking caffeinated bubbles while you're playing a game.

Like I can't. I mean, I drink Mountain Dew before we did a three point contest and I only got 100 points. So like it definitely has an effect on you. You mentioned something interesting right there. You were talking about like go out and get me some Mountain Dew. Also bring me 20 straws. You had a straw addiction for a long time.

Yeah, you used to just you used to go through what 20 straws a game. Easy. I used to get I used to get fine for that shit. Like the NBA start finding me for chewing straws. It's like it's part of one of the weirdest bands in sports history. I cannot have a straw in my mouth. And the reason why I start chewing straws is because, you know, my pops, my grandfather, he's the fixed cars. He's always have a toothpick in his mouth.

I just saw I just see him with a toothpick in his mouth fixing the car. And I was like, damn, OK, I can't play with a toothpick, but a straw I can hide, you know, so I chewed it a little bit. And then I started playing with something in my mouth all the time. And I was just balling. And it was like it helped me with my nerves. And I have no anxiety on the court. And, you know, I had some of my best games and it just kind of became,

you know, as all sports athletes know this or even entertainers or anybody walking like you get a routine and you stick to your ritual. And I had a routine where I wear my straw, where my shot of Mount Dew where it is. And then I went out and I put in work. Straws are delicious. Straws are delicious. Is there a difference? Like if you were to power rank straws, do McDonald's straws

slap different than a Burger King straw or Wendy's straw? Yeah, man, the McDonald's straws was different. Like I felt like like the 7-Elevens or the big gulps and, you know, Burger King straws and all that stuff, like the texture was different. Like they had like a, it was like a flavor, like some of the the texture, like you can taste it. Yeah. I was like, damn, like it's like it almost feels like it's toxic.

Like you, like you're killing yourself if you chew it on too long. Because the flavor and I got my taste palette is different. I have a fire and taste for wine. Yeah. So like just smell your straws. Just say, wait, bro, tell me, you almost killed me. So are you, you're off straws and off Mountain Dew? I still chew straws here and there. Okay. All right.

Yeah. Man's got to have a vice. Uh-huh. Yeah, man. No doubt. I agree with that because the Wendy's straws, they're too big. They're too wide and the McDonald's straws just look cool. They look swaggy. They've got that red stripe and the yellow line on it. Yes. Yeah. That's a champagne of straws. Yeah. This might be a random question because you probably don't get asked a lot,

but it's my favorite clip that I use all the time. It's the famous Jim Calhoun. I fucked up rant when he said that. Were you like, I fucking love this guy for life. I mean, you probably loved him anyway beforehand, but I fucking love that clip so much. See, I fucked up. I took Karan Butler and a Mecca Oka for they're not bad.

Yo, I said, after I saw that clip, I said, man, he's such a G. Like Jim Calhoun, just a G, man. He like, he kept straight up and down like this funky with it. Like he was like, look, y'all going to fault me for taking Karan Butler, who's a fucking lottery pig and Mac Ogreford, like over a player that just had like a good, and Ryan Gones was a former teammate of mine. But like, come on, man, like the comparisons was just different.

And, you know, he's an elbow player, but come on, man, you can't, you can't fault him for the selections that he made. Like they walked away with championships because of that. And, you know, lead eights and big East titles. And, you know, we had lucrative careers and stuff like that. So shout out to Jim Calhoun for standing this ground and checking whatever hell the reporter was that asked him that question in that moment. I love that. I love that rant so much.

What was it like the recruiting process when Jim Calhoun came and visited you and said, I want you to come to Yukon? Yeah, it was, it was crazy because I was not coming to Connecticut already committed to UNLV. You know, my prep school coach, Max Good and Bill Bano had joined forces forces there. And before my prep year at MCI, my prep school coach had left. So immediately people thought because he was my coach, I was following, which I was. And I signed, I was about to sign a letter of 10, I verbally committed. And Jim Calhoun came, I gotta tell you, no one ever asked me this.

Jim Calhoun came to the block. He came to the hood. Like he came out to race scene where like I got into a lot of shit at and he sat down and talked to my family. And I'm going to tell you, the decision wasn't even mine no more. Like my grandmine, my mom's just like, yo, I asked for him. Like he, I like him. Like he's what you need. And that's where you going. And I bought into it because before all this social media stuff, ESPN plus stores, Connecticut, Bristol, that was the hub for basketball. So whatever you did on the campus of Yukon, that shit was being seen on a national level.

So I saw Richard Hamilton, I saw Donnie Marshall, Ray Allen. I was like, yo, I need to be part of that fabric and that culture. Yeah. Also keeping you out of Las Vegas. Your grandma was probably like, yeah, I would rather have you go live in Connecticut than live down on the street. He too young for all that shit. Like, yeah, we're not going to throw him in the fire. Yes. Exactly. Yes. So you go to Yukon. I've always wondered about playing in the Big East tournament because at times, I know this, this seems like a wild take, but the NCAA tournament can feel

almost anti-climactic if you're a huge Big East fan and you watch a great Big East tournament. Was it tough to get back up and to get your energy going after, you know, playing all those games in Madison Square Garden and then turning around and having to play again in a bigger tournament later? It's so crazy. That's a great question. No one ever asked that. Thank you. Thank you. I'm going to tell you what, it's like, and people out here know what I'm talking about. If your kids playing like these club teams or the traveling circuit, like AU basketball is just that. You may go to a city respectfully for a weekend, right?

You may arrive there on a Friday. You got a late night game pool play, and then you're playing back to back to back to back to back every hour and a half to two hours. You're playing basketball games. So that's equivalent to three or four games a day. So we got accustomed to being accustomed. So like the Big East was like just, you know, shit. We, we was creatures of habit. We got accustomed to that flow and it didn't bother us. And then when you're trying to compete for a title, I mean, whether your body heard or whatever the case may be, all you see is what your goal is and what your eyes are set on. And we was on the mission and we try to stay through to that mission in the midst of that, all that, you know,

battling in the Big East. All right. I know you got to go because you got something you got to host, but I have one last question for you. What happened with the hair on TV? You just didn't learn your lesson from Carlos Boozer and you showed up one day to TV with fake hair. No, booze. That's my guy, but he painted his shit. Yeah, I know what you, you, I don't know what you put you astroturfed yours. No. So they was doing in studios. I don't know. A lot of people understand like Turner studio was like a huge family and they had a hub of, you know, Grand Hill, Shaquille O'Neal, all these guys and Grand Hill was doing a video, a commercial rather with, I think, Fila and he was playing

against his former, his younger self. So they put the box on them, the old dupe box, the high top. And I saw that I was like, yo, that shit is ill. I was like, yo, can somebody do that to me? Yeah, you know, we put the piece on booze. And I was like, I'm wearing that shit on television. You are not wearing that on television. I was like, watch. And prior, just the day before, I had a complete ball head. Yes. This is why I was so crazy. So I called my wife, I said, turn on television. I said, watch me on NBA television. I'm about to go live. She turns on and long beholds, I had a hair full of hair and that shit just went viral quick. People was like, yo, what is going on? Now, this is my real hair right here. This. Okay, so people go,

I can grow my shit. Yeah, I just can't grow it like a chia pet. I can't grow it in one day. A hilarious picture that actually makes sense. That explanation makes perfect sense. Did she like it or was she like, what the fuck is on your head? Combination of both. What the fuck? But it kind of looked okay. Yeah. It looked like a younger you. Okay, I'm vibing. But like, I did it. I did it just for that, just to get a reaction to see what people really watching. I was like, damn, like a lot of people was watching the show. And if they wasn't, they start watching because this food is popped up with some damn hair. Yeah. Yeah. All right. I know you got to go. Do you have to go? I think you do.

Yeah, I do. I do. Okay. All right. Well, this has been so awesome. Thank you so much, Karan. We really appreciate the time, man. And let's do this again. Yeah. Most, most definitely, bro. We got to do this again, man. I got to give y'all some more time. I'm hosting the NBA virtual round table, man. We're talking about mass incarceration and people behind bars, you know, with the COVID outbreak. So it's a lot of stuff happening. And, you know, that's something passionate to my heart because I was incarcerated. I got family members that's still in the struggle right now. And, you know, clearly on the outs, you know, a lot of people are not getting forgotten about they get resources, but people behind bars aren't

getting the resources that they need. So we're just trying to bring awareness to that. That's awesome. That's great. Yeah. Well, good luck with that. Yeah. Hope you help a lot of people. Yeah. Thanks, man. Appreciate it. See you, man. That interview with Karan Butler was brought to you by Simply Safe with all the uncertainty in this world. Feeling safe at home has never been more important. It's why I want to talk to you guys about Simply Safe Home Security. They're longtime friends of part of my take and for good reason. Simply Safe made it easy to finally get comprehensive protection for your home. There's no technician, no salesperson that needs to come and disrupt your house.

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get free shipping and a 60-day risk-free trial. SimplySafe.com slash PMT. Make sure that they know that our show is sending you from Simply Safe and all of us here wishing you safety and most importantly, good health. Okay, let's get some segments. First up, we have Embrace Debate. Then we're going to do our Mount Flushmore. Embrace Debate. What was the actual debate we were going to have? So this came from Mark A on Twitter, kind of spurred this in our brains. He wants to know what has a greater impact on wanting to play that sport. The last dance makes you want to go shoot hoops, watch the Masters, makes you want to go outside and hit golf balls. So let's just do, let's do an all-encompassing Embrace Debate amongst all sports. When you watch a certain

sport on TV, which is the one that makes you want to go out and then play that sport? Well, there's, there's, there's a couple things here too, because I think we can all agree, no matter what, if you watch a sport, you immediately want to go play the video game. That's the first and foremost. Like when the World Cup happens, I play FIFA without a doubt. Yeah, I was actually going to say like watching the World Cup makes me want to go outside and just kick a soccer ball. Never, but I do want to play FIFA. Easy number one for me, snow football makes you want to go outside and play snow football. That's a good one. I would say my number one would be March Madness always makes me want to go play hoops. Whenever March Madness, when you get like the upsets, just those

four days of seeing basketball in your face and like, you know, guys that are maybe not the greatest, because not the NBA, you're like, fuck, I want to go play some hoops and relive, you know, Valpo and all this shit. Well, and also because the first day after that weekend, you know, it's a Monday, so you go into the office, you know, there's no basketball on that night, you're going through withdrawals, so you might as well just invite your buddies out to go shoot. It's something about March Madness makes basketball more romantic. So you just want to go play it. What about you, Hank? You got one? I mean, golf is the number one answer. You do? Yeah. Is it the Masters? Because for me, I'm more likely to go to the driving range after the Ryder Cup. Anytime I watch golf, which isn't

that often. So if I'm going to take an hour and watch golf, like you can, you better believe the next 24 hours, I'm probably thinking about trying to play golf. Although in New York, it's like, do I want to take a training, go play golf? No. No. A sneaky one is Wimbledon tennis. No. I mean, I would go watch it, but I wouldn't. Yeah, I wouldn't go watch tennis. I would play it. I'd go to Wimbledon. I would go to Wimbledon. Wimbledon's your place, I'd go. I would go to, maybe I'd go to New York and dip the chicken in the Coke. What? I'd be too loud for it for Wimbledon. I'd just be screaming. Yeah. I would love Wimbledon. I eat those strawberries and cream, dressing all white. Definitely get a stain on myself instantly. That is the worst outfit for me to wear to a

sporting event. With a mustard stain from the soft pretzel right away. I don't even know if they have soft pretzels. They probably don't have soft pretzels. They probably have mustard though. Great Poupon. Did you guys see that eating mustard? Did you guys see that clip of Spike Ball, the four kids playing Spike Ball? Yeah. I haven't played Spike Ball in two years. I've been thinking about Spike Ball a lot. So that's a prime example of like, since I saw that clip, I've been like, damn, I wish I could go out and play Spike Ball. Sneaky one, bowling. If you see any bowling, you're like, damn, I forgot how much fun bowling is because it's also not hard. So, I mean, it's hard, but it's not hard to play it. So I feel like when you see bowling, you're like,

yeah, let's go bowl. Darts on TV is the same way. Darts, yep. Pool, billiards on TV makes you want to go to the table. I suck so bad at pool. I just, that's one of those ones where I don't even try. Home run. Well, the problem with pool is, if you're average at pool, you actually suck. Right. Because if anyone spends any time on a table, they're amazing. And you look like a chump, and you feel like you're wasting everybody's time. It's rare though, like darts I love, shuffleboard, if we're playing bubble hockey, like all these types of things, you can play at a bar, but the minute someone's like, you want to play some pool, I'm just like, I'll sit out, I'll just drink. I'd say the number one sport that makes people be like, man, you know what, I'm going to

try that sport. And then they never get around to doing it. It's curling. Curling. Every Olympics is like, I'm going to get into curling. Curling always has a big come up. Yep. Yeah. And then you realize it's just nerds like all fuckhead Pete. All right, let's do our mouth flush more. Mount flush more of cars. Mount flush more of cars. We ready. I'm ready. All right. All right. Right off the bat. PT cruiser. Yep. PT cruiser. Easy. Bad car. Easy. Bad car. Really bad car. Michael Scott drives one, which is very, very funny. It's Britney bitch. Okay. I'll go. I actually thought so. I thought you're going to go PT cruiser or this one. And this one has had two bad iterations. The, uh, wait, is it, is it fuck? Now I can't even remember the name. Is it, is it of

Oh, it is the bug or the beetle? Which one is it? The bug. The bug. Two bad iterations. One, it was Hitler's car. Two, when they brought it back and everyone's like, this is cool. And it's like, no, it's not. I think the new one is the beetle. The old one is the bug. Whatever the fucking bubble top Volkswagen car is lame. Remember it had a big come up in like the early 2000s and people were buying it and like this is so cool. It had a flower pot in it. Yes. Yeah. Lane sucks. So way too small. I would say there's something, there's something kind of cool about the old punch buggies. The Hitler ones, not the one that he drove. All right. Um, I number one, I'll go with a fiat. Okay. And my number two, I will go with, uh,

it's one very specific Mustang, but like the most generic Mustang. Mustangs. No, no, no, but like the, I guess I gotta find it. No, not Mustang Dodge Charger. Oh, okay. That's good. That's good. I like the charger. Yeah. That no, I have a similar car on that. So I can't hate on that. I think I would enjoy driving it, but I think it's just more when I see people driving them. I usually don't like you. You've driven or seen a fiat. Yeah. Okay. Um, all right, I'll go with my next one. I'll go with the original Hummer when they had the Hummer out and it was the ultimate small dick energy car. Because if you've ever been an original Hummer, they literally were like the original Hummers. They were not comfortable cars. They were terrible cars,

gas guzzlers, all that shit. And you basically just bought one to tell everyone that you're a bad ass, which actually means you're not a bad ass. Yeah. It was a tactical car that you get. Here's a little fun driving around fucking to eight miles per gallon. If you're lucky, here's a fun tip about Hummers. If you see a military Hummer that's parked in a city, they don't actually have ignition keys. You can just get anyone and drive them away. That's kind of sick. Yeah. So you can steal them and the military probably won't say anything. Yeah. The original Hummers though, that was another early 2000s when the Hummer came out and people were like, this is sick. You're talking about the H2, isn't it? I know there's been whatever, the Hummers. The Hummers as cars

that people buy, just put it down as Hummer, lame as fuck. I had the H3 on here because that's like the beta, beta version of the Hummer. The H3 is like my wife compromised and said that I can buy a Hummer. Right. And this, but this is the one I can park at the compact spot. My second one is going to be the Pontiac Aztec. Okay. You might remember it from Breaking Bad. Kind of made it cool. It was Waltzcar. Yeah. Did it? Ah, let's say this. It didn't make it less cool. Schuyler drove it sometimes. Yeah. It was, it already wasn't cool. It didn't have a negative effect. Yeah. When he ran over that guy that was trying to shoot Jesse. Yeah. That's the coolest. The Pontiac Aztec has never looked better than when it was used in vehicular manslaughter. Yes. My third one is going

to be, I'm going to go with the, just a Prius, an old, like 1998 Toyota Prius. Do you mean the electric? Yeah. Before they made it cooler though. Come on, man. Help the world out. Now you can. Damn. Now that they made it look cool. All right. I'll go with the Nissan Cube. Those cars are hideous. It's a pretty bad car. Actual Cube. Yeah. Like why would anyone buy that? Wait, is that the one that had the hamsters and gerbils riding around them? I think it was the Psyon maybe. It's basically the same thing. It's the weirdest car that you're like, I'm going to go spend my harder money on this. Yeah. The Nissan Cube was somehow a worse looking version of that Psyon Cube. Yeah. Just a terrible car. My last two, I will go with Subaru. In general. It's what makes

a Subaru a Subaru. Just in general. Yeah. Just like all of them. Black cars. It's one of those things where I understand like it's like, I just never as a kid, before you understand financial stuff, you're just like looking at cars like Subaru, bleh. Just a black car. Yeah. Just bleh. What about the Outback? When it was the Australian guy was in the advertising. It was like, Subaru Outback was for the sport utility wagon. Well, the song, what makes a Subaru a Subaru is a banger. I don't know. I don't know if that was a regional thing or if that was all commercials, but it's slapped. Liam knows what I'm talking about. Subaru's are regional. Subaru's have got a nice come up though. I feel like they had a bad rap, but maybe I haven't seen a Subaru in

a long time. I don't know cars. I think it's because you're just becoming a family guy and you're like, Subaru is safe. Subaru. Yeah. Yeah. Like a Volvo. No one wants to drive a Volvo when they're 15 years old, but you scored out a couple of kids and you're like, I knew this. It's true. Exactly. That's what I'm saying. Like, I understand why people have it in these day and age. When I was a kid, I was like, why would the, why the fuck would you ever drive a Subaru? I feel like a Subaru comes with a dog. Like you have a, it's just like some moderately dirty border car. I'm also very concerned about like my family members probably having like two out of three of these cars that names. Isn't everyone in Vermont own a Subaru?

No, actually Washington state. Washington state and Vermont. Huge car. Huge car in Washington state. On my last one. Vermont West. Unless you live on the beach and are doing like off-roading on a fairly like average basis, you shouldn't have a Jeep Wrangler. You're going to get dragged for that. You shouldn't have a Jeep Wrangler. Counterpoint. Like why if you have a Jeep Wrangler and you're not going off-roading and you're going out of your way to like lift the tires and like get bigger tires and do all this shit. Yeah. Hardo. Clown. Well, maybe you played lacrosse in high school and you want to put some, you want to put a badass tire cover on the back that says, if you can read this, flip me over. And then you go to

Jeep camp and you spend $5,000 on somebody that tells you how to wreck your Jeep. Jeep Wranglers though, if you ever driven a Jeep Wrangler with the top down, it's pretty awesome. Right. In the summer, they're nice. So if you live in a beach town, but it's like one of those things where people buy them and they use it. Like a Jeep Wrangler, if you have a Jeep Wrangler in Massachusetts, it's nice. Like what? 10 times, 20 times a year. You're not going off-roading. Like you're not, you're not doing, you're not getting the use out of it that you need to. Jeep Wrangler. You're just doing it for a status symbol. I'll agree with you in this. Jeep Wranglers are the most volatile car because when it's nice, there actually isn't any better

car. Like there's no car I'd rather be in in 85 beautiful day. But if you had a Jeep Wrangler in New York, yeah, wouldn't that happen? It's also a lot of responsibility to have to wave at somebody every time you pass them and they have a Jeep too. Also the soft top, you have to zip everything up. Yeah. You ever know someone who has one? They have to fucking, it's like 10 hours just to get the car on the road because they're zipping all this random shit. If you get caught out in the rain, it sucks too. It's still a win just coming right in your face. It's still the best way to tell like your girlfriend's dad. If you're a dad and you see your girlfriend's boyfriend pull up in a Jeep Wrangler, you're not letting her go on that date.

Yeah, no, you're basically saying, hey, your daughter's gonna come suck my dick. It's Jeep Wrangler. It's like, hey, I'm gonna finger banger to a Dave Matthews CD. I hope that's cool. You like my puka necklace? Uh-huh. All right, my last one, this is very specific, but it makes me so mad. I don't even know if they run these anymore, but the worst car in the world is the Enterprise Pick Me Up car that's wrapped in a fucking wrapping paper. It's impractical. It drives me nuts. How? Why? Because it's a present. Yeah. No, that's not coming. Pack it as big as. No, I hate that car. Enterprise car with the wrapping paper. Do you hate that car more? If you got a car, a play car for your son, or you're gonna wrap it up, you're gonna be like,

here you go. Here you go. The Hess truck? 100% here you go. Would you rather have the Enterprise Wrap car? Definitely gonna have those little, like I never had Power Wheels as a kid. I'm gonna get them all that shit. Power Wheels are so fucking cool. Dude, he's gonna have every, he's gonna look like a Kardashian. The worst part about Power Wheels was going over to your friend's house that had Power Wheels, and you're like, hey, can we play Power Wheels? And he's like, no, I'm sick of Power Wheels. I'm not sick of Power Wheels. That's why I'm friends with you. This is one of those, you know, how, you know, you live vicariously through your children. I am going to live vicariously through my son with Power Wheels. I love it. What kind of model are you gonna get him? Everything.

Probably the Jeep. Literally everything. The Jeep Power Wheel was fucking awesome. I'm gonna be the drill tweet. Someone help me with my finances. $100 on TV, $300 on food, $10,000 on Power Wheels. It's gonna be the Jay Leno of Power Wheels. My last pick is gonna be, this is tricky. I'm gonna go with Ford Ranger. Ford Ranger. See, I don't know cars enough. I don't even know. It's the tiny, tiny little Ford pickup truck. Okay. Ford Ranger. Two door, two door Ford Ranger. The only thing I would say is... It's such a beta truck. Yeah, I pick up trucks in general seem very impractical because you just then have to help everyone. Right. If you're the guy who has to help everyone at Home Depot. That's the thing about a Ford Ranger. I could see it if

you're getting a Silverado, if you're getting an F-150, if you're getting a bigger truck, the Ranger is good for nothing except helping your friends move. Exactly. Yeah. That's it. Yeah. If you drive a Ranger, you're telling me, I don't have friends. I'm looking for play dates so badly that I will do your chores for you. Yeah. No, I agree with that. All right. What did we miss? I actually thought of this one. I didn't write it down, but it just popped my head. Sobs suck. Sobs are trash. Because you're basically buying a car that's like, you can't get this fixed anywhere. You have to go to the foreign auto shop. Sobs are bad. Sobs suck. I would add Geos. Geo Tracker. The Mazda Miata. Dude, if you're going to buy a car, like a sports car, just go all the way.

Mercedes SUVs. If you go to UberXL and it shows up as one of those big Mercedes. Oh, you don't want to? You don't like those? One I forgot. That's what I just said. A Honda Civic with spoilers. A Honda Civic with spoilers being like, look at my race cards. Like, dude, it's a Honda Civic. I got my racing seats. I've got my seatbelt that has the pad on the middle of it. I've got the LED underhatch. Whatever the fuck it's called. It's a 92nd car. Mufflers. The white Jetta. The drug dealer car. The swag car. That's a drug dealer car? Like a high school drug dealer. Swag. To me, white Jetta is just your girlfriend's car. Yeah, or a drug dealer high school like, hey, this isn't expensive, but it's kind of nice,

but it's not expensive and you sell shitty wheat. I would actually say that probably 33% of part of my take listeners have either dated a girl that drives a Jetta or bought marijuana for somebody that drives a Jetta. Fact. Fact. It wasn't good marijuana either. No. Any truck that's super lifted. That's a douche bag, right? Small dick energy. The Dodge Dart is a bad one too. Dodge Nitro, Dodge Dart. Oh, remember the Amigo? Oh yeah, the Azuzu Amigo. Amigo. I think that actually might be a cool car. I don't know. The Amigo and the Sidekick. Amigo, Amigo. That was the commercial. Those are like mini, mini SUVs. Amigo, Amigo. It's fun for a boy. No, I don't know if that is.

They were hybrid power wheel SUVs. Yeah. Those things. Amigos. I got to find Amigo now. What about Toyota Yaris? I just hate the name. Yaris. The Toyota Yaris. Yaris. Makes me want to throw up. Here we go. They're driving it down the fucking stairs. Amigo, Amigo, Amigo. This commercial is from 1998. These guys look like they're from the 70s. He's doing donuts on the beach. Is that the Zoolander car? It might be. Freak gasoline accident car. Amigo, Amigo. They look like power wheels. You can put them in your back pocket. All right. Let's finish up guys on chicks. We did a lot of awesome interviews today, so we got some great interviews coming up. Hank, guys on chicks. A friend got a DM for feet pics. How much does she charge?

Hmm. I guess you got to read that. Also the last one was just convertibles. You don't like convertibles? You don't like convertibles. You don't like mustangs. That really hurt. You don't like Mercedes SUVs. That would have righted PFT's heart. Hank just doesn't like rap commercials. No, I swear it's the Mustang thing. It's dodgy. Or you don't like rap music videos is what I'm hearing from you. How much do you charge for feet pics? I think you got to start high. Just say like 500 and see if he says no. Okay. Yeah, it's 20. That's the real price. Just wanted to check you out. Yo, if I was a hot chick, I would sell my feet pics all day. Yeah. And if you're rich,

if you're rich and you're into feet pics, you'll absolutely shell out 500. Any chicks listening to this, they want some gross ass toes and a big toe that is way too far apart from the rest of the toes. Hit me up. One of my big toes is half dead. I've got one. It's like it's turning purple. I got hit a boy up. That's a dad thing too. Yeah. Stub your toe enough. The one fucked up toe. Hey big got to LPFT and Enrique, my older brother 22, but my younger brother 18, that he'll be able to dunk before the younger one has a threesome. For reference, one's five nine and the other is a virgin. Okay, I don't think either will happen. Why are boys so rationally confident? Give me the ages again. 22 and 18. 22 threesome, 18 dunk. No, 22 dunk,

18 threesome, 18th virgin, 18th version, 22 is five nine. I actually think the threesome is going to happen because there are a lot of weirdos that go to college and they have a threesome with their buddy. Yeah, it's like their buddy and a girl. No one said what the ratio has exactly. I mean, if he does a circle jerk, you could argue don't play as a cookie cookie threesome. Also, if he's just in the room when his roommate's fucking and he drinks off. Yeah, threesome. I was just gonna say be in the room. Yeah, if you gotta you gotta come to you also have to come. Well, yeah, no, you do all three parties. It's highly recommended. No, well, the girl is not going to come right. Well, she looks over and sees the guy fake an orgasm. Yes, you can fake an orgasm. Hey,

big cat PFT and healthy Hank, I've been dating my boyfriend for over a year now and we are extremely close. As you're all well aware, quarantine is taking a toll on us and my boyfriend has found a new way to cope gambling on the weather. It's no secret that he's gambled on sports in the past and I've never said anything about it. But his obsession with the weather is getting out of hand. He wakes up every morning and watches the weather channel while staring at his laptop. As the day goes on, he'll frequently shout and scream at the sun, clouds, rain, anything. Every time I try and bring it up, he insists that I have no room to speak because I never had a problem with him betting on sports. What do I do? I don't know what the problem is here.

I don't think that you have to say anything to him. I think he's found a productive hobby. He's learning about science. Yeah, I fail to see the issue. I also though, can I just throw this out there? And you guys tell me if I'm crazy. I'm nervous that the longer sports are gone, the trickier it's going to be to reintroduce him to our lives in terms of partners. That's valid concern. I'm very concerned because we're establishing a new normal. Right. My normal every day is just watching sports every single night. No sports games are on. If we go long enough, that's why I try to mix in a full day of just watching horse racing on Saturdays. Just to kind of keep the training

wheels on like, oh yeah, you are just degenerately betting on this all day. From nine until midnight, you also play sports. True. So I'm good, but I'm just so people need to walk. It's more about a schedule thing. It's about a scheduling thing. So just block out some time from seven to 10 o'clock every night and just like watch an old sporting event on your DVR or just write sports on a piece of paper, tape it to the television and just stare at it for just yet. So essentially just try to your best to ignore your and it could go both ways. Maybe your husband doesn't like sports. Whatever partner doesn't like sports, try to just ignore them for three hours a day to get them prepped. Who is your favorite Kardashian and why? Rob, because they fucking kicked him.

They couldn't fit in the suit in France before the wedding and he just flew home. Is China black one? Nope. Nope. Okay. Black China? Nope. The last name has to be Kardashian. Courtney. Yeah, okay. Courtney, because you know what, Courtney's like, fuck it, I'm Courtney. I don't have to be Kim. I like Rob too, but he's not really a factor. He's like a non-factor. Because they're ashamed of him. That's fucked up. Does Ray J count? Nope. He's got some blood. Nope. Swap DNA. My man lives for the I will try harder tomorrow speech. Why do men love false promises? We need insight. Olivia. That's our entire life is a promise. Yeah, it's future us. Just telling

you know, telling yourself tomorrow diet starts tomorrow. That's really what it comes down to. And you just keep telling yourself tomorrow is going to be the day that I change everything about myself that I've done for my entire life and become a better person. Well, it's great about telling somebody else that you're going to do better tomorrow is you're taking a positive outlook. And if they say that's what you told me yesterday, then guess what? Why are you doubting me for tomorrow? Why do you not believe me? Now it's your problem. Right. And now you have something to apologize for. You're negative. Exactly. Not my issue. I haven't cleaned up the bathroom in seven months. I'm going to do it tomorrow. Yeah, tomorrow I'm going to be the

cleanest person in the world. Alright, last one question for tonight. When you pee, do you take your balls out or keep them inside? My boyfriend takes his balls out and I think it's totally unnecessary. The internet has it at 5050 split. So I'd love to hear your takes. Usually no. But sometimes you just got to see what's going on down there. Because what the whip is dick out, you got to do a little yeah, you just got to take inventory. I take my balls out. You got to take inventory. What's going on down there? I didn't I it's so reflexive. I didn't know if I did or not. I just do a little scoop scoop and pull. Now I never go through the zipper with it. Never you never put the balls through the gate.

They might not ever come back. Hold on. If it's a waistband, sometimes I'll pull down below the balls. Sometimes I'll just drop all the way to the ground. Yeah, I think I scoop and pull every time you pull your balls out. Pull them up and over doing up and over up and over the waistband. Yeah, yeah, I'm saying like through the teeth of the zipper. If you willingly pull them through, that's the gate of thermopoly right there. That's like the 300 waiting to spear your nuts the second they go through those teeth. Yeah, I pull them out. I don't know. I didn't know that was weird. Tell me that's not weird. It's just that 1550. So okay, cool. I'm in the 50 part. All right, we'll see everyone

Friday. Love you guys. You pull your nuts through the zipper. Hey, talking away. I don't know what to say. I'm saying it. I'll be coming for your love. Okay. I'll be coming for your love. Okay. Let's say to be safe and sorry.

Hey, it's part of my tip.