Pardon My Take - Rob Schneider, Dungeons And Dragons, NBA Playoffs And B1G Football Is Back

Episode Date: September 2, 2020

NBA Playoffs and Game 7 recap . The Rockets need to get out of our face, Marcus Smart went off, and Jimmy Butler is that guy (1:57 - 13:56). Hot Seat/Cool Throne including Alvin Kamara, B1G Football is back and Hank is now using Billy as his doctor (13:56 - 33:28). Rob Schneider joins the show to talk about his new special, SNL, and Boner Dogs (33:28 - 73:57). Timm Woods joins the show to continue our Dungeons and Dragons adventureYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/PardonMyTake

Hey, pardon my take listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen, ad-free, on Amazon Music. On today's part of my take, we have the return of Tim Woods, Dungeons & Dragons with Tim Woods. We have Rob Schneider, great interview with Rob Schneider, talk with little boner dogs, of course. We talked some NBA playoffs, Game 7 was tonight, the Slopfest, good defense, bad offense, whatever you want to call it, Recap also, the Rockets choking yet again, and we're going to get

to all of that in a second, but before we do that, part of my take is brought to you by the Cash App, not only is it the easiest place to send money to your friends, it's the safest. Go to the Cash App right now, download the Cash App, you can link your bank account to the Cash App, it is super, super easy to do, and you can send money to your friends, family, whoever you want to send money to, without being face-to-face, the Cash App is the best, and of course when you download the Cash App and enter the referral code Barstool, you get $10 for free, they're also giving away money all the time on Twitch, Twitter, Instagram, you need to have a Cash Tag though, so go download the Cash App today, $10 for free with Code

Barstool, $10 to ASPCA, download it, download it, download it from the App Store, Google Play Store today, and get involved with the Cash App. Okay, let's go! Welcome to part of my take presented by the Cash App, go download it right now, use Code Barstool, you get $10 for free, $10 to ASPCA, today is Tuesday, September, Wednesday, September 2nd, it is Tuesday, but it's Wednesday, September 2nd, holy shit, we're in September, wake me up in September baby. Wait, yeah, somebody wake the guy up from Green Day, it is, it doesn't feel like September,

what's that Hank? Wake that guy up when it ends. Wake him up now. I got something to say to you Maggie, it's late September and Billy's going back to school. Alright, so we're here, it's early September, what? The 21st night of September? I do, I remember that, yeah. What?

I'm going to turn it down. I'm losing. Earth, wind, fire. Oh, okay. September 11th, never forget. Dude, what? Let's start this whole story. No dude, don't fucking forget it.

Never would. You're right. Alright, Game 7, Game 7, Game 7 was sloppy, Game 7 was sloppy, also good defense, we had the lowest, I think it was the lowest playoff game since like 2010, of course I had the over or whatever, but the Nuggets advance, Jamal Murray, I think he was hurt a little bit. Donovan Mitchell had his third quarter where he went off, it was a crazy, crazy ending to an insane series, not exactly how we expected it to go, a series that was like fast paced

scoring left and right, it ended up being a throwback to like the pistons and spurs, but that ending with Mike Conley missing a buzzer beater after, I don't know why they were shooting the layup, was insane. It was crazy. Yeah, the three at the end hit like three rims, it hit all the ends, it was basically Kawhi's shot if it didn't go in. It was an ugly game. I went back and looked at the box score, the Nuggets went over seven minutes without

scoring a point. Yes. That's impossible to do. My only theory is that they don't have their legs right now because they've been fucking because their wives are there. Well, it's a ball Murray. We know they're able to delete that video. The internet deleted that video.

I forgot it. I totally forgot about it. His girlfriend, very, very, she asked if you have the video, delete it and we all said okay. Yeah. I'm just upset that we're not going to get Quinn Snyder out of this series. There's one thing that I wanted moving forward and that's just more shots of Quinn Snyder on the sidelines.

Quinn and his little skinny jeans. Yeah. Everyone says that he looks coked out. I don't think that I think he looks like he looks like he used to be coked out. He looks like the neighbor of a, he looks like Jordan Belfort's neighbor who comes over to like complain about the Coke parties is like, ah, maybe I'll just do one line and toss a dwarf. Totally normal.

Totally normal look. Also, I just have a like big place in my heart for Joe Kitch because when you can hit a hookshot in 2020 and have like the big man moves in Rudy Gobert so fucking good defensively. I just, I love that. I mean, he had the game winning shot with that, with that right, right handed hookshot in the game. It was crazy. It was terrible, but it was also good and thrilling.

And I guess that's the, that's definitely the best series of round one, even though we still have a game seven going tomorrow, which I'm just sick. We'll get to the Rockets in a second. The Rockets are like the Clippers when I was like, blow this thing up the rock. That's what the Rockets are now. I feel sick of the Rockets. I feel like if this wasn't a game seven, we would be like, get these teams out of my face.

If this wasn't a game seven, we're now we're going to the excuse of like both teams were amped up and had that playoff level and they were gas missing, but in reality it was just a shitty game. There was, there was, there was a stretch where it was like five or six straight shots, open shots where guys were just barely grazing the front of the rim. It was really bad. It looked like there was a stretch where it looked like every pick up basketball game is going to look like when people can start playing pick up basketball.

But since it was game seven, you know, like the crowd was a little bit more intense, there's all this stuff that added up to being like a heightened atmosphere. All right. Before we get to the other series, quick question, Jamal Murray and Donovan Mitchell hug afterwards. They've known each other for a long time, Louisville, Kentucky rivalry. If you're Donovan Mitchell, like I always think of the guy who loses in that situation. I would deny the hug. Well, I'm like, get the fuck out of my face.

It was a quick hug. Yeah. But I get out of my face. You know what it was like? It was like a Jake Marsh, Hank Lockwood post game and Ping Pong, whoever wins is always the very first over to be like, Hey, that was a great game, guys. I just I'm with you, big guy. I never liked that.

If you get beat by somebody and they're like very eager to say, oh, man, it's all such a great battle. It's like, no, get out of my face, please. Yeah. It was a little bit quick, but call it a poor sport. That's fine. I think that the Nuggets are going to get smoked next round. Yeah.

I don't care how many itches they have on their teams. Minus a million units Clippers game one. Yeah. My computer's now playing the one high. It's going to be a quick highlight. All right. So other series we have Rockets blowing it the Rockets, dude, Russell Westbrook. They're the new Clippers.

I just Russell Westbrook like being Russell Westbrook and just making comical errors down the stretch. And then James Harden. Will James Harden ever get in shape? No, I mean, he's late to the bubble. Everyone was saying because he was out of shape, he showed up super fat. And he's not like, he's not fat. No, he's fat.

But he does that. Like he'll do it in a game. He'll drive really hard to the hoop. And then the next like three plays, like I'm not running up and down, but I'm taking a few plays off. You know how it is with hotel life. I guarantee you that hardens the same way. He went to the bubble.

He's like, oh, I'm going, I'm going to a hotel. I'll pack my workout gear and I'm never going to take it out of my suit. Right. My extra shoes. Exactly. I'll wake up at 7 a.m. and go for a three mile run on the treadmill. It never happens. He just stays in his room and jerks off three times.

And Chris Paul, this league, uh, Chris Paul was unbelievable. Did the stare down, which wasn't really a stare down. Well, when you look at it, you can never really tell. Yeah. Like the Mitch Trabisky throw. When all the receivers. Why do you do that? Come on, Hank.

Because it's a similar situation. Hank, Hank. The screen cap was worse than the actual. You have to. I'm defending it. You have to pace yourself with the Mitch Trabisky references. Get a whole season. Come on, man.

Now there, now it's, you know what? Now the first three times I make a Mitch Trabisky joke. It's old hat. It's old hat. It's old hat. I have to power through the first three references and get to the point where it's funny because it's so old again. Chris Paul though.

It was correct. Chris Paul's personality makes you forget how good a basketball he is because he's the worst. Anytime. Yeah. People in the nuts. And he's on the guy. But he's awesome.

If, if the guy that can most closely impersonate you is the dude from Fresh Prince of Bel Air, then it just, it goes to show, then maybe you're not an elite athlete anymore. So I still think he would be, you know, a top three, top four U.S. men's soccer player. Yes. Easily. Hank, a moment to talk about the Celtics and Marcus Smart shooting five. Marcus Smart, Marcus Smart being the guy who like, if he hits one shot, you know, he's taking two and then it just rolled into five.

Well, in the past five years, it's, you know, like five years ago, he was like that. Never shoot, but he would shoot all the time and he's just, he's just shot his way into being a good shooter, which is beautiful to see. And if he hits one, you know, he's going to take it again right away. Yes. And it just rolled into five in a row and it was like, holy shit. There's absolutely no difference in Marcus Smart's body language when he's just made five three pointers or when he's just airballed five three points whatsoever.

If he just makes them, he's just, he's mad that they didn't count for more than three. Yes. Hank, championship. I don't see you. I don't see you. I was beating them. Okay. Definitely not the box because they stink.

Yeah. And by the way. Jimmy, Jimmy Butler, I think we're witnessing the emergence of a top 20 player in the NBA. I am fully on board. Where has this guy been his entire career? Because he woke up, dude, he's awesome. And the quote that they had from yesterday was even better when he said, no disrespect to families.

But if it were up to me, we wouldn't even be bringing in the wives and the children because this is a business trip. It's for guys only. He went, he went full Mike Milbury. And so he went, he went dudes rock, right? So you actually are going to say Jimmy Butler might be good. I think now Jimmy Butler is a top 20 NBA player. I mean, it's the culture down in Miami.

Wow. That's big of you. Yeah. I mean, well, listen, if the shoe fits. He's fucking awesome. He is. I love him. Dude, I love Jimmy.

Okay. No, you don't. I actually do now. I think he's very good. Just from last night. Well, and he was really good on the 76ers too. He, Jimmy Butler is a guy who just, he has an edge. Like he will be like, fuck you to everyone and win a game in a playoffs or win a playoffs

or maybe not a playoffs series and done that a bunch. But he will be like, fuck you, I'm going to be the best player on the court tonight. And I love Jimmy Butler. I still, yeah, the Timberwolves thing was weird. The Sixers thing was weird. The Bulls, the front office deserves all the blame for that one. So Jimmy Butler, you're cool. I do like the slogan, no disrespect to families before you say anything else to that.

Like it's the anti LeBron as a father of three. You liking J-butt is going to be the ultimate like turn of 2020. Am I going to mush J-butt though? No, I don't think so. I don't think so. Well, I was starting out there earlier today, like he's on your heat too. Yeah, you're here. If you, if you, uh, listed wing players, so I, like it's hard to say because it's

positionless basketball in the NBA now, but like, if you had to list wing players that you want to take the last shot and defend the last shot, the list is like, you obviously throw LeBron in there. If you want, if you want to call him a wing but it's like Kauai, Paul George, Clay Thompson and Jimmy Butler. And I take Jimmy Butler over Paul George. It's not a long list of guys who fit that mold of like, take the last shot, defend the last shot.

You're that dude. Jason Tatum. Jason Tatum's on the way. Yes. He's really good. Yeah. Uh, Jimmy Butler, I'm just saying, like he feels like a guy that is so, he's the one who's most fine, not necessarily with being in the bubble, but he wants to prove that

he's more mentally tough than everybody else. So he's like that guy that'll stay in the sauna for too long and be like, I'm fine. What are you guys doing? Probably is more mentally tough. I mean, while he's like, his skin is cooking, but he's like, you know what? I don't care. I can do it. And be coming off Twitter.

Oh, yeah. He was sub-tweeting. Wow. That was great. When you gave $200 million to Tobias Harris and Al Horford, that's got to hurt to watch Jimmy Butler do that. That's true. How much did they give to Horford?

A lot. I mean, it's the, when Horford opted out for the Celtics being like, wait, who else is going to give you money? Oh, like six years. Four years, a hundred and thirty million. Four years, 109. Goddamn. And what's Tobias Harris?

He's now become a Bash Philly. Sorry, Philly. You won the Flyers one tonight. So congrats on that. Five years, 180. Oh, five years, 180 for tomorrow. Sometimes you have to be patient in this league, man. You got to trust the process.

Well, that makes Zach Levine four years for 80 look awesome. The Fred Van Vleet contract he's going to get will also be disgusting. Yes. Fred Van Vleet's got a great booty. He's good. Like, he's the PJ Tucker of Canada. He gets, he gets space with that booty. He's built like a fire hydrant.

Yeah. He does that slow, slow down dribble where like the where someone like runs into him and he gets a foul call. I love that. Also the Raptors Celtic series is going to break the record for most like, hey, ref, like what the fuck? Where was that call? Both teams.

Just all night. What? Dude, I mean, the Raptors are the, I mean, Kyle Lowry is the number one in the NBA for that. But I feel like they they had a really nice run tonight of that. If it's LeBron versus the Rockets, I feel like that will be, yeah, that's true. Yeah. Yeah.

Harden and LeBron. Harden and LeBron is look for fouls. Yes. Yes. Yes. LeBron's, meanwhile, just resting. Good for him. Not good.

Not good. Hank. For who? For anyone who's a LeBron hater. I'll try to count myself in that group. It couldn't be me. What are you? Oh, so now PFT likes J-Button.

You like LeBron? No, no, no, no. All right. Let's get to hot seat cool throne. Hot seat cool throne is brought to you by Bud Light Seltzer on the hot seat this week. Our beer runs with sports being back. Our friends at Bud Light know you can't miss any precious seconds of the game. Head to budlight.com slash delivery and get ice cold Bud Light and Bud Light Seltzer delivered

straight to your door. So you don't have to miss any action. That's budlight.com slash delivery, Hank. My hot seat. I have a few. Oh, okay. The first one is anyone who drafted early for fantasy and they took Alvin Camara. Yep.

He is on the trading block now, which is, I mean, a lot of people probably took him in there with their first pick, first round. That's like the worst thing you can see. Is he on the trading block? I heard they're just negotiating a contract right now. All right. Today is on the trading block. Camaro's on the trading block.

Yes. Imagine, imagine how much Bill O'Brien would be willing to give up for Alvin Camara, like his entire team. He'd be what he'd trade himself to the Saints for Alvin Camara. I'm just going to say Leonard Fournette's out there. True. Bill O'Brien would try to trade like a second rounder and a next year's third to the waiver wire.

I just want Leonard Fournette on the bears just so I can be like, how can you lose when you have the second and fourth pick in the 2017 draft? I mean, I feel like, I feel like he's destined to go to the Falcons, right? They already have Todd Gurley. Get all the first round picks. Yeah, they have Todd Gurley. But I just want that because I really would sell myself on being like, if you go back in time and get the second and fourth pick in a draft, that team would be a juggernaut.

I refuse to believe that any team would be dumb enough to trade away Alvin Camara right now. Like, why, if you're the Saints, well, I guess you have Taysom Hill. He can do it all. Yep. Have Taysom line up. His franchise quarterback. And half back.

I'm pretty sure it was. They put him on the trading block just as like a, you know, a negotiational tactic. Like, haha, just a prank. But if you drafted him, like that's the worst thing you can see. It's a terrible thing before the season even starts. My other hot seat was myself. I got my broke my phone the other day because I didn't have my case on and like, that's a good move.

Hank. No, I broke almost almost almost instantly solid. I like it. So I did a new one and I don't have a fucking home button anymore. And it's driving me crazy. Oh, yeah. It's going to take some getting you. I noticed that you didn't get the red iPhone.

Do you hate AIDS charity? Wait, hold on. You had. How old was your phone? Is the iPhone eight? Well, they got rid of the home button a long time ago. I feel like that was two years ago. Hank had a motor, a motor, a razor.

This is my first time experiencing it. And it sucks. I'm not a fan. Okay. And my cool throne. I also have a few. My first one is a Magic Johnson's analysis. Oh, he's been good.

He's been. I actually wanted to talk about that. I think the party's over because Coward's in on the joke now. Really? Yeah. We got to move coward, coward, quote, treated magic and was like great insight. And it was at that moment that a small piece of me died and was like, all right, it's over. No more making fun of magic tweets.

I want to make like a ham fist analogy about it. He wasn't like, this is he is the pert happily Twitter. It took him three, four year movement, making fun of magic since the beginning of the show. Not saying we invented it, but like coward now figuring it out in 2020. It's done. It sucks. I'm so excited for Denver versus Utah game seven and to see Jamal Murray versus Donovan Mitchell for Denver to win.

Joe Kitch, Gary Harris, Paul Milsep or Michael Porter Jr. has to step up for Utah to win. It's on Mike Connolly, Jordan Clarkson, Joe Engels or Rudy Grober to step up. All right. Yeah. That's the tweet. You nailed it. Magic Johnson would be very upset that you did not get a red iPhone. Yeah.

Tyler Perry. Why? He's a billionaire. That's it. He's a billionaire. He's a B word or a person of means. Although the fucking eat them. I read it.

I read it. And then I clicked the article to get more information and the only place that states that is his book, which is titled pour as hell to billionaire. So that's like Tyler Perry is just saying he's a billionaire, but he's not actually. I'm going to write a book on what it's like to be a billionaire. I'm going to say probably pretty sweet. Yeah. I feel like you don't want to say like you're a billionaire these days.

People ain't, they're not so happy about that. Jeff Bezos got that guillotine sitting out in front of his house. Ready to chop it off. Give him a really nice close shave to the head. Is that it Hank? Yes. We're all done here. Okay.

I'm going to be pretty brief because it's a tight show. We got a couple of interviews coming up. My first hot seat is CJ McCollum. CJ McCollum is on the hot seat. He tweeted out earlier tonight who wants to play fantasy hit me up. I replied to him kind of as a joke, but it was like also kind of serious. I was like, what's up? And then he invited me to play in his league.

I was like, that's awesome. That sounds like fun. I get a text from him where he puts me into his fantasy football group chat and the name of the group chat is fantasy football, high rollers, right? And I'm like, wait a second. And so it turns out it's a thousand dollar buy-in. Yep. We're in.

I don't think I can back out, but we decided as a group that we would all share ownership of the team. So now we're in CJ McCollum's fantasy football team in his league. Our team name is Blaster Faceoff and so we're going to, I guess we're just going to dominate CJ McCollum. Wow. Let's do it. What?

I just got tweeted this picture and it says Hank on vacation again and it's a guy has a bumper sticker on his boat with R. He copyrighted our logo and it says part of my lake. Whoa. That's sick. That's pretty good. Yo, let us come on the boat, dude. How are you? Yeah, we should be, we, the fact we haven't been invited on that boat is a slap in our

face. You know what? We're going to sue you for trademark infringement, for copyright infringement. And last we get an invite on the boat. These are our terms. They're not negotiable. But yeah, we're in CJ McCollum's fantasy football league, $1,000 buy it. It's a 12 team league.

Let's just, let's just do and be legends. Yeah. I was saying we should just draft all browns and cuck them. That'd be great. And like finish lat. Well, no, the thousand dollars kind of makes that. Yeah, but it'd be a good thousand dollar prank. Yeah, I would.

And then or if we do happen to win, we can just like waste it, blow the $11,000 on the most ridiculous thing possible. Like let's get 10 more lotto machines. And then we can have 10 going at the same time. Yes. That would be sick. When I would be so sick. Actually, let's let's seriously do that.

No, I'm getting more lotto machines. No, you don't sell me. Fuck. Yes. Now I'm excited. Change my life. Guess what? Significant.

Now we're winning. And my cool throne is Antonio Brown. He's on the cool throne because allegedly a video came out of Tiana Trump, one of my favorites, giving him a Hummer inside his gym. They like identified the walls of his gym as Richard Milley watched the green one that he always wears. And yeah, he was just getting, he was getting that good website from Tiana Trump. Nice.

So I think Antonio Brown is also back. We also had an Antonio clown moment where someone tweeted, we should have called it September instead of September. Yeah. I still like September. Did you see no sim September? Yeah. We're not simping.

No. I'm going to simp harder. Even harder. We ain't simping. I think I'm going to join you. PFT, by the way. September? Yeah.

All aboard. And not simping? We're going to get fucked up. No. Four beers. After Labor Day. Okay. Four beers this month.

Let's do it, fellas. And I think for the four beers, I'll just be like four times I drink that month. Yeah. What do you think? Get one of those like the IPAs that are like 19% alcohol. Just fuck your dome up. What do you think Shannon Sharpe's nickname for Antonio Brown would be? What do you mean?

Like with the Tiana Trump thing. Oh, I don't know. You can't go clown anymore because she's got the white stuff on her face now. Antonio Blone. Came. And Bloneo Brown. That works. And Bloneo Brown.

That works. And Bloneo Brown. That works. That's what it is. Antonio B.J. Ahn. Yeah. Like he's Swedish.

Brown. Brown. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like he's pure. Couple dots on top of it. Couple unlots.

All right. So my hot seat is Hank. My hot seat is Hank. No, I already put myself in the hot seat. Yeah. I've witnessed something today, PFT that was truly remarkable. I was in the studio playing. Hank working.

No, I, no, I was, I was, I was in the studio playing Fall Guys and Hank, 100% serious. Like no joke whatsoever in his tone comes in here. Billy's sitting on the couch. He goes, Hey, Billy, I fell on my skateboard and I feel like I got some fluid in my hip. Can you take a look at it for me? And I just sat there and I was like, what, are you pretending like Billy's your doctor and Billy gave him an actual medical like diagnosis and that was it. Billy, what's, what's the prognosis?

What does he have? He's got fluid, the burst of burst in his hip. It was fucking incredible. Like they were not joking. No jokes whatsoever. Hank was like, Billy, I need you to look at my hip. It's kind of jacked up. And he was like, whatever Billy was going to say, Hank was going to be like, thank you

doctor. Do I like, Oh, a copay here or something? His advice would just be like, do more squats. It's like when you, you know, like, you know, you're probably the right thing to do. So you go talk to your friend like, oh, should we go out tonight? And you go talk to the one friend that's like, yes, let's go out tonight. Like I wanted, I just needed to hear from someone that's like, it's probably fine. But he said it wasn't.

Right. But he said it's probably fine. Your problem here, Hank, is you got no ass. And if you had a little more ass, then you probably wouldn't have banged up your bone that much. I also, so Hank does have fluid in his hip, made me almost gag. I really want to poke it with a pin. Yeah.

I think there's the only way to drain it. Can we see it? Let's get a second opinion on this. Also I will say, because the, you know, people, I hopefully people are like, you'll be fine because I really don't want to go to the doctor. But a lot of people help me with my internet problem. Okay. So thank you guys.

But yeah, PFT, it was definitely an awakening moment for me. Like you are the company you keep. Hank is acting, asking Billy for doctor advice. Pretty much showing his dick right now. Yeah. Hank, that just looks like a normal slender ass. No, he slapped it. Billy like took out his fucking tetanus.

It's actually gone down. He took out the fucking dentist glasses with the little light at the end, the minor light. I don't feel it. And he looked at it and he like. He's got calipers. Yeah. He starts checking it out. Well, he did like the, the plastic surgery, he started, he started doing circles with

a Sharpie on it. That's dude. That's just a bruise. You just poke it with something, Hank. Be a man. Hank's just got a normal bruise on his side. Hit pointer. Yeah.

Hey, I put your pubes away. Thanks. Billy just changed his diagnosis. He's a hip point. Hold on. Two more steroids. That's what I'm saying. I'm going to describe you.

I don't know, dude. So I'm preg zone. It was unbelievable. I really had to question everything. It was just like, what are we doing here? I mean, well, you, as you're playing a 10 year old's video game. Yeah, no, that's fine. That's fine.

Like I was, listen, I'm going to play that game till I beat it and then I'll never play that game again. I just, it was a shocking moment. I just, I love, I love what went through your head, Hank, because I've, I've thought the same thing. Like if you have an injury that you could have sustained playing a sport, then why not go to somebody that's played sports before? Yeah.

And Billy was just like, yeah, let me take a look. Just guys being dudes. I just knew, I knew Billy had the best chance of telling me that I'm fine and don't not see a doctor. That's such a process. When am I going to do that? Hank, if you went to a doctor with, with that injury, I would hope that they would throw you out.

Okay. You guys, listen, we're going through a global pandemic right now and you're coming in because your ass has a boo boo on the side. Oh, coronavirus doesn't exist anymore. That's my cool throne. Oh yeah. We did it. Big 10 footballs back.

Sir Yacht did it. Sir Yacht chuggy. Shout out chuggy. I don't know. I'm just going to get my hopes up again. I don't know. Whatever. I think it's better to, to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.

It's, you know, it's good. It's encouraging that you still feel something. Yeah. No, it's, it's, it's what we said right at the beginning of this stuff when they canceled March Man. It's like, don't, we're stupid. If you just keep delaying it a couple of weeks, we'll just keep like, we'll just die at 90 being like, are they going to play the 2020 big 10 football season?

I guess like, I'll do that. It's, it's September 2nd today, I guess for the people listening a month and one day will be Saturday, October 3rd, full college slate. That's what I'm asking you. Oh, no. Did you hear me? Did you hear? I was like, what do you know?

Have you been talking to sir Yacht? No, I'm asking you guys. No, because the pack, the pack 12 isn't coming back. No, yeah. Which is crazy. Yeah. I haven't heard anything about that, but Larry Scott's going to be out, which is good. Shout out all my pack 12 people.

Like finally Larry Scott's going to be out. I love that Larry Scott is the warlord of the pack 12. He's the worst. Yeah. He's the worst. But yeah. No, I, I mean, I'm just going to hurt myself by just saying it, but I like if they start late and then they go undefeated, like how does that work?

They win everything. That's going to be the most beautiful part is undefeated Ohio State fans being like, yo, where the next six and oh, and then Davos, Swinney being like, we're not getting enough respect because the big 10 decided not to play until October. Yeah. I'm going to. Yeah. I mean, if was kind of, I saw a projected schedule in like Wisconsin that to play Penn

State or Ohio State. They go undefeated and I'll absolutely be like, they're the best team. Really? That's all we need. And I'm like, no, they haven't. They've played it anyway. They've played fucking Indiana. I'm like, oh, I don't care.

All we need right now is just for them to release more schedules. Yeah. I don't care if you take it back. That's what I'm saying. Four new schedule releases. Just keep. We'll start circling dates on our calendars. Yes.

You know what? I'm stupid enough to just keep buying the idea that it's going to happen eventually knowing it probably won't. But my dog brain takes over and I'm like, yeah, no, October, we're good. I also think that the big 10 should just play next year and call it 2010 or 2020. Good. I feel like just in general, sports should take on the mantra of 2020 never happened. Next year is 2020.

We're wiping this year from our brains like it's like it's mint and black. You show up at our door and this new this year never happened. The virus never happened. Let's just reset. You know what they should do? They should lean into the fact that like no one has any idea what's going on. Surprise me big 10. Just play a game randomly.

Mm hmm. One point on like a Tuesday in October, I just want to see like just put an alert like Tuesday morning. I wake up like 7 p.m. I will house state. I would take Rutgers against now. Now we're going too far. I believe next summer's Olympics is still being branded as 2020 Olympics.

Perfect. Okay. 2020 never happened. And I also forgot to mention this in case you're wondering why my takes are so great nowadays. I bought the Sports Illustrated Brain Formula. So my brain is operating on such a high plane right now. You can't even understand it.

You should try to write a Rick Riley column. I'm Mr. Unlimited. I should try or I should just try to read one. Yes. Billy. I'm actually you guys. We took everything. No, no, no.

There's some obvious ones you didn't get to hot seat cheeseburgers. Andy Reed said he was going to. Good one Billy. I picked a bunch of. Do you have a quote? Read the quote. Yeah. Andy Reed was like I'm going to trade this.

No. Read the quote. Okay. Look. The quote was great. He said he's going to exchange. You wear it for special occasions or if you want a free cheeseburger, you just point right there and show him that ring and you might get one.

That is a special occasion. That's beautiful. Andy just walking into McDonald's and being like no rain as if Andy Reed needed to ask for a cheeseburger. Right. Like he's he's walks in the door. He could go to like any McDonald's in the United States and be like the usual Andy. Yep.

Three big Macs. Yes. Yes. The next round is the XFL. The Rock just took a bunch of pictures with XFL team helmets and it's getting me excited because more football is better. Anyway, another quick another hot seat. Yeah.

But we're going back and forth. I like this. Bill Belichick switching back and forth. Six subway commercial where he cut off a dude's sleeves. I don't know really how that like pertains to subway but it was really cool. It's because yeah. Yeah. I guess it could.

It's just Belichick doing a commercial. Yeah. That's what the ad campaign is like. Look, we got Belichick to show up on the camera on this side of the camera for a change. We're Jimmy John's guys by the way. True. Not it's not your fault but we are right through and through through and through. Is that it.

Also the rings the KC rings. Yeah. They had their rings. They have the things are coming out on the inside where it just shows how far they were down and every single one of their playoff games. And that was the exact moment I said thanks for coming out chiefs every single time. I'm fucking smart. You're the brain formula.

I am smart. Besides. You did know some pilot what UFOs 30 minutes. Okay. There was a guy that was flying around in a jetpack allegedly in Los Angeles. Wow. That's pretty cool. All right.

Let's get to our interviews. We got Rob Schneider and then right after that we have Tim Woods Dungeons and Dragons before we do that a quick word from our friends at cross country mortgage cross country mortgage combines a people first mindset with dedication to the fundamentals of mortgage lending you're probably saying to yourself I can't afford a mortgage mortgage is a big scary word well guess what it is not you could probably afford a mortgage without even realizing it stop throwing your money away every single month to rent you're literally paying someone else's mortgage when you rent when you could be building your own finances your own equity and own

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know where you're living where you're buying a home you're dealing with someone who lives there themselves who knows the market who understands what it's like to live there and you can do it all at cross country mortgage CCM lens dot com slash take CCM lens dot com slash take to learn more about your future home buying experience at CCM L E N D S dot com slash take to learn more cross country mortgage LLC N M L S three zero two nine equal housing opportunity go to cross country mortgage dot com for licensing and disclosures okay here he is Rob Schneider okay we now welcome on Rob Schneider actor extraordinaire SNL alum best friends with Adam Sandler which we're going to have to get to that but you have a new special out

Netflix special called Asia mama Mexican kids is out now go check it out family fan very friendly sounding name right yes yes um so the Netflix special let's talk about that first I would assume it's just uh about your entire life when you name it Asian mama Mexican kids just trying to avoid as much uh people uh uh getting angry as you can hey listen have an I have an Asian mother I got Mexican kids I'm allowed to talk about this stuff I don't know I guess that's what it's all about yeah when you're taping those specials is it like is it different as you're on stage are you thinking about the fact that it's going to be on people's TVs as opposed to just performing for people that you know bought a ticket you can't go you can't

get in your head that much otherwise you're really in a you know you start thinking defensively or thinking what you're gonna you know it's like um you have to just it's got to come from an inspired place you got it that was funny I'm enjoying this it's for the audience but at the same time I just remember Chris Rock yelling at Adam Sandler going it's fuck the show it's about the special it's about the special get the special in other words make sure you're getting the stuff for the special it's not just you know you can have a thousand people or 1500 people in the audience but like that night but you're trying to make it for you know uh 110 countries and you know 15 million people so um but yeah I mean I don't think you gotta you have to know that it's back there but you gotta be like

be in the moment performing it and doing it and then um uh and then you know try not to let the business take over and then because you I think if you put the business in front of the art then it's gonna affect the art obviously yeah well um what's up with the band-aid on your on your chin I try to kill myself but I aim too high no I just I sliced my face it's been it's been a while now I've had this for like a week now you've just been rocking a band-aid you just band-aid everywhere I thought it was like a nilly thing and then my kids and then my kids then my kids keep putting it back on you go like daddy want band-aid daddy band-aid for daddy and I go yeah okay put it on and if I don't have it on I go daddy band-aid daddy band-aid so they're very cute they're very caring you're

a band-aid guy for life now uh for yeah for the foreseeable future I think so yeah um so your career uh you've had an unbelievable career you were part of what some people say is uh one of the golden ages of snl during that time did you have did you have a moment where you're like holy shit like everyone i'm around right now is a star or star in the making did you was did it feel like that I remember a lot of like you know some very special moments are the really talented people and um but I also remember like everybody's saying we sucked because you said you're not as good as the first cast and I was like I know you know it's kind of hard to compare Bill you know to Bill Murray and John Belushi and Dan Ackroyd and Gilda Radner it's a little tough to Chevy Chase you know

but uh I said I think we're okay I think you know for our generation of kids growing up watching us we're gonna be there Chevy Chase and Bill Murray and that's what's true is I mean wherever you grow up watching that's your cast you know yeah I've always thought that like especially amongst snl fans is like the the new generation is never as good as the one that was around 10 years before yeah I mean I mean there's a couple of guys that are all timers you know I mean there's I mean you know you get your Will Ferrells and you get your uh you know Martin Schwartz you're Eddie Murphy's I mean it's the who's who I mean of of stand of comedy you know and uh I came from an era where most of the guys who came in were from um uh with few

exceptions were from stand-up you know they just like wow that's where they're getting the funny guys now and then there's an era where it comes in from like Second City and improv you know I think uh Lorne Michaels when he first started not to speak for him but like he hired uh you know groups that have been working together for a while uh you know it was second it was the national lemmings on Broadway which is like you know uh Belushi and um and and I think Ackroyd and then it was um the you know Second City or and and I think those two groups who are made up the majority of that first uh that first cast and and us we were like you know David Spade Adam Sandler and I we would go on one two three after each other and um and and you know at a club in LA or something

you know at the ice house out in Pasadena back in 1980s 88 you know and then um you know but we we kind of we knew we were gonna make it I mean I don't think it was a question it was just like well who's gonna give us a chance finally you know yeah and then um you know this true story David Spade didn't put this in his in his book but like I got hired at SNL and then Bernie Brilstein was our manager and um he told Lorne Michaels well you gotta hire David Spade too they're writing partners and we weren't that's how David got hired and he he knows that but he didn't put that in his book oh wow interesting it's speaking of that you said I'm gonna put that I'm gonna put that in my book yeah yeah so you said um it would be fun to pin Adam Sandler for murder

because you know all his secrets what is what's his number one secret his number one secret well he was in a movie called not a big secret but he was in a movie called The Unsinkable Shecky Moskowitz and I remember he got $25,000 and I went like 25 they paid you 25 for what you're in a movie how did how did this happen you know and I just like when he first um I was just amazed that anybody could get a movie you know I mean it was just like I remember auditioning for like a thousand things and getting none of them you know literally none and like after a while you go well like I remember Spade and I go you know you know we're not gonna get nothing I guess maybe we'll get nothing and then we started getting and we started getting hired because it's just it's just

you know you when you move to LA you don't realize there's 50,000 actors always in LA all fighting for like 1500 jobs and most of those are shitty but you're happy to have any of them you know what I mean so it's a numbers game but the thing about being a stand-up back in the 80s was we were making more money being middle acts because none of us ever had more than 25 minutes of comedy material trust me but he said all you need you know as Jay Leno said many years ago to me all you need 20 minutes to become a star in LA everybody did how much time you got now everybody said they got two hours who wants to listen to two hours of comedy material you either you have 20 minutes either you have five minutes it kills every time every time out or you had nothing

and so really all you needed was 20 minutes and that's all we had truthfully and that was enough to get us on tv uh but it was just you know it's always going to be uh you know they always want the most uh famous guy and if you ain't it then you ain't it but you got to be ready just in case the famous guy says no and they got to get somebody right yeah but it took me it took me a long time to realize that like casting agents and those people they're fearful of their jobs too they don't get paid good I remember I was one casting agent um that actually casted for a Quentin Tarantino and you know she's lovely I forget her name now but like I went to go see her I used to audition for movies for her and I auditioned for like you know Quentin one of Quentin's movies back in the

day and I actually read with Quentin for the part and uh and I remember her like then seeing her make making sandwiches at a deli and I went man it's tough for everybody everybody's got tough in Hollywood you know yeah and they like they want you so they're worried about their jobs they got to get the most famous guy they can get blah blah blah I remember one time I was having an audition for uh or just casting agent and I killed one on one but then I got nervous in front of everybody and I saw her like melting down like oh no what happened to that guy who was so good just with me bringing him and so I realized oh she's rooting for me because you know when you first start you think people rooting in against you like oh you know the casting agents do they take it you take

it personally no you just can't take it personally yeah did you guys have a pact like you spayed and saying yeah when you were coming up like whoever has yeah whoever's the richest who's doing the best in Hollywood at any given time we didn't say it like everybody else along with you yeah no we didn't say it like that but yeah we did absolutely when that's worked out pretty nice yeah Adam Sandler just seems like the nicest guy in the world we've had him on our show and he just seems like the nicest guy and everyone whoever talks to him is like he's loyal and why wouldn't you I think we asked him about this he's like why wouldn't I want to work with my friends I told him I mean I'll be honest and I've been public about this you know I would I would tell him that like hey listen

hire Nick Nolte you don't you don't have to hire me but get getting and he finally did hire Nick Nolte for a movie called the Ridiculous Six like five years ago but and he says no I don't want to hire people like I don't know because like and I go why do you can get some you can get anybody man you're the biggest comedy star in the world and I'd have this argument with him against you know hiring me and nothing I didn't want to get hired but I'm just saying you know we were talking this for a movie you know many many years ago well you know 15 years ago or so and he said no no no and he said why he said because I don't have to explain to you what's funny you know and if I ask you to do something I don't have to you know I don't have to like I can just tell you directly go

climb that palm tree over there I know you're dumb enough to do it yeah and so I mean that kind of says a lot I think there's a trust when you're out there doing comedy and especially in a movie you know any movie that you do could be your last and one day you'll be right and if it's not going good you need somebody who could make quick changes to make it work make the scene work if it ain't working to not panic and shut down because I've been in movies not with Adam Sandler but I've been in movies where it wasn't working and nobody knew how to fix it if it ain't working let's identify it right now fix this scene every scene is like a little mini movie that's got to go to the next little mini movie and it's like a load of it's like a locomotion

right it's like it's like a and it just you got to get to the next one and that pushes the next and each one has to be like a complete little mini movie in and of itself so if it ain't working fix it have somebody that are fixing it if it is working tweak it so that it's even better so the bad scene may make the next scene unnecessary because that scene works so well so it's kind of stuff like that because when you're in the trenches and like when you're doing live tv you got to have somebody there across from you who's gonna be your guy and not drop the ball because you know we're just trying to get in show business you know what I mean and we want to stay in it because that was the whole point I didn't have any career advice I didn't have any career

guidance or career goals I just wanted to make a living I just wanted to not paint houses not sell shoes not do all the shit that I saw my friends doing then and I and I and I hate it you know my friend delivering pizzas at my house one time he went oh shit you know hey man good to see him man it's not I don't want people to know what this scene is and I said no what you're working what are you talking about yeah but I don't want people to think I'm the pizza guy people answer the door I'm the pizza guy I'm not the pizza guy just doing this to make a living all right it's not who I am and I remember and so I ended up doing a joke about that right away that night um you know I'm not the pizza guy but um you know it's nothing wrong being a pizza guy we all

need a pizza guy I've been a pizza guy JJ watt pizza guy a lot of us have done it slang pies every now and again uh you were saying like a second ago about how working with your friends is easy to make these adaptions like on the fly uh punch up a script like really quickly I would imagine that a lot of the practice from that probably came from the uh the fast-paced environment on SNL in the 90s because you know you got a lot of it did I mean certainly I didn't even know that I was doing this but my stand-up uh in the 80s uh was sketches but I wasn't getting any acting work so I was just acting out all the characters and that's what I would do and then like I remember this comedian milk able great guy Sam says oh you know what you do is you act out and play these

different roles to play the different parts in your own stand-up act you would play the different guys and you go back and forth and I didn't even know that because you know you know when you're creating something you just it's just coming from a place and coming kind of through you and with you and blah blah blah and you're just doing and then you do what you keep what works and you take the stuff out hopefully and if you're not like you know you don't have like uh you know dementia or some some kind of or you're not messed up so a lot of comedians are then you dump what doesn't work keep what works and then you keep taking away stripping away stripping away and then what works kind of becomes your act and then you know if you're if you want to be successful at a comedy

you you don't keep the stuff that doesn't work and the stuff that works you build on but it doesn't necessarily grow that much you just get like that monster 20 minutes you know which is what we worked on and um I don't know if that's anywhere near answering your question well I was curious because I always love hearing stories about the you know the heyday of SNL and what the schedule was like you know why I know how hectic everything was it's it was amazing but like at the same time the thing that comes away from me is it was extremely democratic as the more I'm in show business the more I realized like that was fucking remarkable to be able to be literally at a place where if you wrote something if you if you're on a sitcom if you're writing a movie and you say

that the idea that anybody's ever going to read that in front of people to get some real laughs is like it just doesn't happen but like my first job in show business is a Saturday night live basically and um anything I wrote got read in front of everybody so Adam Sandler would write this thing and like you know either it would work or I mean but if it did work I mean everybody got a room of people reading it it's very fair right where whereas opposed to most show business he doesn't get a reading so in that sense for Lorne Michaels I gotta say the genius of him was like identifying people and getting the network out of the way and then and then you know letting us see was and to see what worked and he was open to what a 90% of the time depending on you know

with a few exceptions of what if Mike Myers had a movie with Dana Carvey or something Wayne's World or something whatever was got the biggest laughs got on the show I mean you can't ask for anything more than that yeah that's pretty fair so anybody who complained I always went like well you know I know and you know that you had the opportunity and it just didn't work for you that's interesting because people uh when we talk to people who are on SNL or part of SNL you know a lot of times it's talked about how hard it is to get Lorne Michaels to laugh and you're kind of flipping it on the other end and being like this is actually the best spot because you if you didn't make Lorne Michaels laugh then that was on you I'm sorry yeah but like if he heard other people laugh and he

would recognize that too you know the worst audiences are like people who were like subjected to comedy every every week right you know and having to laugh but so you got to really get them laugh you know but unfortunately even in that democratic environment half that department half the people in that room are costume people so you know trying to make a costume department laugh and it's like hey I'm sorry that ain't my audience you know right yeah so so you just have to get enough and whatever it is and like people who complain it's like shut the fuck up you had your opportunities you know and if it didn't work for you I'm sorry but it's ain't about the fair business you know this ain't about like you get a sketch on because you know

it's like whoever participated it's participation trophy and that ain't it so and um so are you saying if Lorne Michaels uh was totally dead face in a reading and was like I don't I don't think this is funny but everyone else laughed he'd be like all right let's put it through yeah he would absolutely okay nice so that I mean that's I feel like that kind of there's a myth about him where he's like you can never crack him and getting him to laugh no no no he's an easy laugh he's a very generous laugh guy he I shouldn't say easy but if you know way to get to him I've been a whore well I wrote stuff I know he'd laugh at right yeah right and that that ain't good either you know because you want to not just get like a showbiz kind of laugh

you know because there's stuff that they can make him explode with laughter right I've made him violently laugh and I've made him not laugh but everybody else and was laughing he said Rob's called a good one what was the easiest way to get to him what were like his his comedy hot spots that you knew that you could push some inside baseball shit you know like like I did a joke one time I knew I was gonna get him a laugh where I talked about like it was some tv talk show that some guy was a hack uh I'm not gonna mention but like um who had a you know a show a show and they were having trouble getting guests was a sketch and I said the line does do they know that we shoot during the day and it just he was like it's like it's like an availability thing and

that's a problem that he has you know you know the availability to get movie stars or tv stars or getting Mick Jagger to come and like yeah well you know tell Mick it's you know it's early dinner that kind of shit so I just knew that I've you know I I I I rolled the dice and it was a an easy uh an easy one for me on that one but that didn't help me you know I'm saying like so I mean in that point sometimes it's like okay okay I know I'll get a cheap laugh here but how does the rest of the sketch add up you know so right but hey it is what it is in the the longer I I was just talking to Dennis Miller like a couple days ago about this over the weekend and we were saying man how amazing was that and I remember like you know I ran into Eddie Murphy

two summers ago and uh you know uh and I'm you know Eddie's idea was you know what he said it was like look you know I couldn't wait to get out of there and I didn't realize like the best time I ever had my life was there you know yeah and it's like you know it's true and it is true are you happy that uh you were on snl during a time when no one had cell phones so the after parties were extra fun because I that's also part of it is like being snl fans you know it's so funny after part no one's ever been as blunt with me as that but uh but no you're a thousand percent right because I remember going to like I mean it's a hundred hour work week if you if you like if you didn't write and if you were a young guy you want to take advantage of the situation I loved it I

loved that being there and I like writing and having somebody go you know get you a sandwich like two in the morning and there are people and people were dying to get a job there and so you had people who literally would research stuff for you and get you whatever and the stuff and it was like fun right and I remember like the guy one of the guys who was like uh one of the writer's assistants is now running a is now the gm for a local tv place in Ohio every time I if I'm doing stand up there he says come on man and he shows me pictures of me and Chris Barley and David Spade and Adam Sandler he's got these little you know uh Polaroids of it you know and and so it was uh the grace but what was your question I'm sorry the after parties how sick were the oh yeah yeah

yeah so so here's what happened like I would you know you're you know it's you're wiped out at the end of the week and you're exhausted and you're like I remember like at like at the the you know I'm Asian so it doesn't go a hundred percent but like I remember like I would be tired by nine o'clock but by the by by like 10 30 but by 11 30 the show my eyes would be almost slits be closed because I was that exhausted because it's like the end of a hundred hour a week and you've got to peak at the end of the hundred hours not like 50 or 60 or 70 hours so after the show you can't wait to just let your hair down go to a party and just relax and I remember like somebody took a picture of me this is before the cell phone stuff and they had me sign it the next week and I'm

literally like this just blitzed yeah and then we're like fuck I better like sober up or something you know yeah yeah yeah I have to do something to wake up from that uh it's like a combination of you know you're exhausted and you're having a few drinks and like you're letting your hair down and like this is just the last week I'm gonna be in show business maybe one more week you don't know and you're with a bunch of very funny people which I'm sure are good hanging at a bar absolutely yeah no I gotta tell you I mean Farley, Spade, Sandler, Rock there's just uh you know it's an it's an insane amount of funny people right and they're incredibly funny and then like the guy like no one can compete with Farley because no one's willing to hurt

themselves and like he is you know right and but but like and then you know the easiest giggle in the room is Sandler Sandler's always giggling whatever Farley does so Farley's going to take it to another level and then Spade was always commenting and and doing the opposite of that and so it's just a and and then the guy who had the right take on everything was always Chris Rock I mean he just has a handle on human behavior and he just reads things he's a beautiful guy beautiful brilliant was there uh was there a certain host that came in and you guys went out with him on Saturday after the show was over and you're like god I hope that guy never hosts again because I stayed out I never talk about that I never really worry about it because you know

show business is like you can have somebody have on a bad day and that doesn't say I represent who they are no no I meant the other way like you had so much fun with them at the somebody have a bad week I mean you could have somebody have a bad week I remember hosts who didn't like us I remember like a guy I loved and he hated us he hated us hated us Tom Hanks no no Hanks was lovely he was always beautiful but was it thanks was was there a guy that was like so much fun to hang out with after the show that you were like bent up for a few days and you're like man if that guy ever comes back I'm probably gonna die in the after party well I mean he wasn't he wasn't like heavy partying but like you could tell he wanted to was John Goodman John is like oh I wish I could

go off right now these are the guys I would do that with yeah yeah he seems like he can put a few away he's just he's one of those guys who is um you know an all-timer you know it was like it's just a great a great guy great actor a great comedian a great great timing great dramatic actor and just an incredible incredible guys it's just like you're drawn to people like that Hanks was the same way Alec Baldwin is the same way we're just you know you know there was an edge to Alec Baldwin because you know just having that many brothers you know he's always looking for somebody who's gonna punch me in the face who's gonna take my sandwich who's gonna you know and uh but just a great guy and a brilliant actor and can do anything it was fearless and just was as comfortable

with comedy and and dumping himself in the middle of of some silly sketch and without without bringing any baggage of a really terrific dramatic actor and I would admire him to this day for that do you know that you are part of a conspiracy theory online uh probably mm-hmm so our colleague Nick uh wrote a blog titled Rob's uh Schneider a harbinger of disaster so apparently every time you have a new movie out a big oil spill happens within a week of that movie I know I I can't say I mean I think you can kind of there's usually some kind of oil spill or something happening at any time anyway that's that's somewhat true though it's shot douce bigelow december 10th 1999 mv erica tanker spill december 11th 1999

hmm yeah yeah but is it if it's in the same place I'll I'll I'll agree with you okay uh douce bigelow european jiggalow august 12 2005 hurricane Katrina spill reaches shore august 5th through 15th 2005 yeah but you can't say no no no no I don't know hey no you're saying spill that means no no no the spill reached there's not the same time as an ocean thick grown up grown up june 25th 2010 deepwater horizon vessel disconnect June 25th 2010 wow the facts add up that's not you can't that's not making movies and dropping oil everywhere that's adam sandler's movie that's like that's that's that's a bit of a stretch I will say though the like you know the bloggers and those guys yeah like once you once you realize like the pressure

that they're under you know like god I hope they can come up with something like that yeah they got to sell like they got to sell like 12 articles to like still live in their mother's basement yep you know I mean listen uh-huh you have not I'm not saying no I'm not blog 9 to 5 what do you really think about bloggers we're in the trustry we don't even know any bloggers I I I just think they've they've they've got a scam going at it I don't know how good a scam is but I get it it's tough for everybody out there especially you know now so whatever thing they could try to you know if they can correlate me to some whatever natural disaster or a man-made disaster and make a hundred bucks out of it which is probably all that article paid yeah way less or then you can be part of the

you be part of the solution Rob maybe every time you make a movie you go show up on a beach somewhere wearing like a parka and just like with a toothpaste and a toothbrush yeah it's like clean up a seal yeah I think you right if that article was big enough that would consider it but I don't know how many eyeballs that guy comments are yes yeah at least yeah loser anyway yeah um you know speaking of of deuce bigelow what came first the name deuce bigelow or the occupation male gigolo well I'll tell you the truth the original title was called deuce baggio male prostitute and I remember the head of the studio at the time Joe Roth said to me at one of those disney parties he said come here Rob come here hey if you think I'm gonna spend 12 million dollars

making a movie called deuce bag you're you got a fucking real problem go change that goddamn name all right okay hey Steve very quick conversation uh I went I went right to my little hollywood hills um I just thought it was funny I honestly you know was amazed that they were even going to make this little movie you know thank god you know my buddy Adam Sandler decided to start producing movies other than his own that was the first one he did and um I went up to my little hollywood hills house and jumped in the pool and I said I better come up with another name and so I was just you know you're thinking like ace ventura you know like I will deuce you know that wasn't much deuce big aloe whatever you know I just thought there wasn't much thought into it it was just you know

very silly comedy that I you know I don't know if they'd even make today yeah but um silly's king if you make a silly movie make people die laughing they'll never forget it and I went to the theater when like um when that came out when we're doing the previews and like people were dying laughing and it was like I said I think we might have a hit here maybe this will work you know yeah and um and it just it's a process that you go through and it's hard it's the hardest thing in all show business is to get a movie made now do you usually do you usually go to the theaters and watch your own movies like in an audience I felt weird about it you know because but then at the same time it's not like I'm a stand-up I gotta like I want to see that reaction I spent a year in my

life on that movie a year and three months you know I was like writing it and then like editing making it yeah rewriting it rewrite 17 drafts or whatever and like and uh and then you know you film it which is a blast then you edit it then you screen it then you then you make some old trims in it you mix it which is also fun and you know and then you put it out there so you want to sneak in opening night in the back of the theater see if they're laughing see if there are people that are in the seats too and I remember once as um I was out someplace with Adam Sandler and his buddy Quentin Tarantino was there oh yeah his buddy and I remember yeah he was in Little Nikki with uh with Adam and that's where I know yeah that's right I couldn't

I couldn't place it yeah and um so um I said yeah he said so he was saying hey congrats on the movie man congrats and really funny me and I said yeah I said it was it was it's kind of embarrassing to admit but like I would go uh and I was just at the theaters and I had to sit you sit in the back and watch the reaction he said it's kind of embarrassing to me what do you mean it's not embarrassing man when I have a movie come out I go and I sit from like noon to fucking midnight I'm there for every show I want to I mean that's what I make it for me it's for the people I want to see their reaction I want to see if those stuff is in my head if that works what else man about holy shit you know I mean it makes sense right yeah that's what's fun I feel like that's

what Quentin Tarantino would do anyways just spend all day every day inside a movie and Juice Bigelow made 92 million dollars was that the moment where you're like uh America's fucked uh we you mean well what do you mean like just juice bigelow like was that big of a success like wow and like you said it's a silly kind of comedy I wouldn't say America's fucked because of that um I would I wouldn't describe it that way well the oil tank too okay that correlates no I just the thing to me I didn't understand like I didn't understand what what the numbers were that meant hit right you know it made more money than uh Mission Impossible did in DVDs which ended up being let's when DVDs kind of first really really took over from videos so I didn't know

that that was like a gigantic fucking deal you know but it made it was the second most profitable movie and second most highest grossing DVD next to only slightly below like a few hundred thousand dollars below like Green Mile so it's like Green Mile do speak a little Mission Impossible like holy shit so that was gigantic so at that time I could do anything I wanted it was like the wide open I was you know it was it was more money than like you know my dad was just like stunned by how much money I started making and uh you know and at the end of the day it's really you know the the guys who make the decisions in Hollywood it's about like not what they think is the best movie or not what they think what they're excited to produce or put their name on it's like every

executive knows they're going to get fired sooner than later and so they make decisions on what will delay my inevitable firing the longest and so what they do is they just like well whatever's a hit or hot it has a chance to be a hit I want to put my name on that and that's why they like they they want to make like 200 300 million dollar movies if they can because they know the studio has to push that through you know and so if that goes down everybody goes down so it's just like this stuff that you don't realize when you're just you know making a little 12 million dollar movie that in hindsight you wish you did know but you're going to learn sooner or later okay so it's been a fun it's been a fun ride and um you know I mean getting a chance

to still uh to do it is is you know it's unbelievable so I have one last question to me on these soft question of the day go to me on these dot com slash PMT to get 15% off your first purchase speaking of movies and making movies we have a movie for you yeah uh have you heard of it already I mean I assume that Adam Sandler probably involved David Spades involved ever heard of these guys Zach Efron yeah he's a yes it's called boner dogs done done okay we don't have to pitch you you're in I've got a role for you yeah you're in and as we said Adam is executive producing it we've got a cast lined up for it you are the one like missing piece of of like the Sandler Hollywood mafia that we need to be attached to this I would like you to

play uh the cada hula the cada hula dog that which is like a New Orleans swamp dog and he's he's a sled dog and one of the dogs gets a boner and then the dog doesn't know what to do with its boner and then you say do you know what you say as the Cajun dog no what think back to the to the water boy fix your own problem get that away from me yeah that is not my issue or are just going back in the swamp yeah until that goes back down there you go okay well you just read for it yeah perfect we're gonna put that in we've got a casting director we'll send you a check saying yes uh-huh I get it no no no I totally I see what market you're going for and it's a wide one so are you in that's in yeah you're in totally I'm I got your back okay I mean I sense a little bit of

apprehension but legally what's gonna happen is I don't think you realize this like Adam's gonna come to you in like three years and be like hey I got this new movie I just bought the rights to it's called boner dogs and you're gonna be like I'm in yes well you know with a name like that you gotta go with what gets the kids yeah it's not us nope if you're you you guys are over 30 you're no longer your audience anymore I look like I gotta go with the 14 year olds yeah so no no no you can tell your body language you're in your 30s just like a slunch the blogging the blogger joke yeah it sure is no no no just starting to get to the point in your life like you know maybe everything isn't gonna work out that's true in there that's a comfortable place to be that's where you want to

be man you gotta let go at that point man you don't hold on to these unrealistic dreams you're in it now man you're part of the whole wheel that's turned but yeah you're in okay you're in you're actually good there's gonna be like a 15 year old kid that comes up to you in the supermarket is like Rob you're gonna be in boner dogs and at that point you'll believe trust me it will happen to you and I got a payment for you listen hey I gotta tell you I think Seth Rogan made that movie already no no did he made the I think he did he must made a movie about a pickle guy no that was different yeah that was boner what about all the food all the hot dogs smoked weed saucer sorry party yeah yeah I'm familiar I think we're I don't want to get sued by Seth Rogan so now I'm out

he's Canadian he can't let me tell you what we're instead of in lieu of payment yeah I'm gonna get the Rob Schneider oil spill uh blog deleted from the internet you can't man when it's on the internet it's there forever it's gone man people know just apologize for the oil spills that's all we want somebody's gonna take that shit and they're gonna already take pictures of it and screenshots it's there forever man the internet don't go away man it's true take that with you oh man all right well Rob thank you so much everyone check out thank you I love your set you get the best name and and the whole podcast industry oh thank you appreciate what you say that's every podcast part of my take no because they don't have some respectable looking set like you have there

yes you like to express you probably never seen one of these in your life how much you bench uh well you know it's not about how much you do it's if you get off your ass and do it that's a nice piece of equipment we're just about to buy that for that the the mansion here oh my wife wants nice nice the manner sick flex nice okay no I know I just I sold one I had one similar to that a little bit more upscale but um it's slid and then stopped you know that one of those things you yeah but uh I wasn't using it oh you're talking about the ones where like it goes into things so you can't hurt yourself oh that's a beta machine yeah that doesn't work out you don't know what power feels like I don't want to know raw power right exactly I don't want to know right I can

afford not to know correct right spend the extra couple 250 and get the the thing that kind of locks for who's the blogger here with the fucking oh you're benching with the guards Jesus yeah man no no no no no you you're gonna want to go there you talk to me right now in five years you're gonna get that right back there and then you'll then you'll know then you'll say no thank you I bet you have sex with condoms okay you should take that boner dog money yours when you get it and invest in some real workout equipment save your boner dog money don't float away oh no no that's stupid oh gonna be blown it is impressive have like I like that you got the 25s you could have easily put the 45s up there no we're honest yeah it's actually 10s they're

10s they just look these are like the crossfit weights so this is what Billy bench presses he sounds like your trainer's been lying to you I think these are 25s are those 10s these are 10s your trainer's been lying to but I curl it with one arm but like you're benching so much these days is it the sand 10s or is it like the metal 10s no this is sand that's composite oh you are a weightlifter right weight bumpers they're bumpers you get the plates if you look at it's it's closer if the plates it's closer to the 25 size you know yeah yeah yeah I did have one last question for you last yes sir what can I do for you've been in three of the best football movies of all time did you know that I don't know the waterboy is pretty damn good waterboy the longest yard the

remake and necessary roughness I well I gotta say like I love Adam Sandley's my pal forever I just showed up to say hi the next thing I know I just got back from doing a movie in Europe I come back to say hi the next thing I know I'm in the Mexican gang saying gang bang in the showers we had to loop into um free showers whatever whatever it was like group hugs in the showers you know but um but that's what happens if you say if you show up on the movie set and say hi the next thing you know you'll be in the movie the Mexican gang but um yeah I think you know the original when I was a kid that's the greatest sports movie you know Bert Reynolds was the coolest guy and you to be on the set with Bert Reynolds was like was unbelievable you know because that as a kid growing

up that that was the coolest guy and I didn't we didn't have Marlon Brando growing up we didn't you know the guy for us was Bert Reynolds yeah that was the coolest so when Bert Reynolds was a guy playing in a football movie you believed like that is the quarterback there's no doubt you know right that movie to me is just like if you're 11 and you see the longest yard it's the greatest thing you've ever seen in your life and so that was uh and so to be on the set and see the remake of that with Adam playing that part and to have like Bert Reynolds there was like one of those unbelievable things ever yeah we we just got to start showing up on the movie sets and getting offered these gigs as the prison rapist hey thank you baby so but hey but I wish you guys the best and continue

success for you and whatever whatever if you want to use composite or if you want to use the plates if you want to step it up I'm just going to support you whatever you guys do yeah we'll talk to you soon when we start boner dogs so all right we're definitely going to make it and you're definitely going to do it and your payment is going to be going to be in real man's weights like you're actually going to be in this movie I made a movie called the animal so don't worry about it yeah and any about the title me it's what's behind the chair keep it out there boy all right all right thanks so much Rob thanks let me plug my my comedy special uh Asian mama Mexican kids and it's on Netflix streaming worldwide now and it was a lot of fun to do and that's where I started and I wanted

to like a testament a record of me doing stand-up because that's where I started most people don't even know that I did it and so thank you for like helping me promote it all right yeah check it out thanks so much for hope your chin heals take care all right good luck on the chin thank you all right see you all right buddy that interview with Rob Schneider was brought to you by our good good friends over at 3C 3C is the leader and hemp derived cannabinoid products they sell a range of hemp products they've got cbd cbn cbg and cbc vapes lotions and tinctures all their products are formulated by a biochemist they're made in the usa with usa grown hemp they've got products that are the strongest hemp products on the marketplace because they use more cannabinoids

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chi dot com tell them that part of my takes at you and now here's tim woods okay it is that time again we have our very very good friend tim woods back in studio how's it going good to be here it's great to have you tim we are going to continue our Dungeons & Dragons quest we also have a little wrinkle this time we have the ping pong lottery machine set up with numbers one through 20 so if you're watching this after the fact you also get of I think we're gonna have the camera on it for all the roles as well so it should be very very exciting I actually don't know how it's gonna affect this game I it's gonna be so I I feel like when I roll the dice I'm more likely to get like a 15 through 20 when I'm doing this I might get

like a two or three I got hot last yeah I had like three twenties there I actually yeah Tim someone there was like you don't know how long I've been playing Dungeons & Dragons I've never had three twenties in a game I was like yeah we have had some amazing swings of luck and I have to say I'm very excited to see this new dice tower in action because I don't think I've ever worked with such a cool d20 before I think this is this one just feels charged with good luck so would you say that like everyone in the Dungeons & Dragons community is going to look at us and be like damn these guys are cool I think that there's a lot of competition for cool dice towers and I think right now we've got the coolest right now that's what I would say you know we should do we should like paint it so

it looks like a dragon we could we got this whole this whole front um all right so Tim let's yeah let's recap where we're at absolutely so people can uh know where we're picking up our story and then we'll get into it for sure so we had last left our group of heroes when they had been delving into the cave of a dragon cult where it seems like they had been using this cave as their headquarters and while kind of dungeon delving into here to defeat some of the cultists and fight some of their monster minions we had discovered that they had been expecting us and had prepared an ambush for us from none other than our own Berserker Billy who had been raised from the dead we defeated him once more a second time and after he got slain uh by the warlock

earlick dealing the final blow once more uh we are now left uh pretty much safe in this dungeon right now having just defeated Berserker Billy but also gotten a bunch of guard drakes on our side the cult has all these guard drakes locked up in a cage nearby and right now they are howling uh the praises of norm the barbarian probably off key though a little bit a little bit courtesy of the uh bard who convinced them wayne had convinced them to join our side i believe and uh uh we did also find out at the very end of last session that this cave isn't just a headquarters for this cult we think it is also a hatchery of some kind and it is maybe where they are keeping some dragon eggs that at the very least are highly valuable in the world of dnd regardless of whatever else

we could maybe do with dragon eggs in our hand i have a quick question uh not to get too into you know throwback to the game of thrones but how does a dragon hatching work in terms of like in game of thrones you have to be you know mother of dragons in the fire like is there a similar setup with that or like can we just get an egg and it hatches there would be a definitely a similar setup and i would say a fire dragon like a red dragon would be very similar to game of thrones but there are many different dragons in the world of dnd so it depends on the egg and how much you know about that particular kind of dragon so we would have to see what eggs are there and then we would be able to know at that point it sounds like we want to take these eggs i mean he's we

got it yeah there's there's nothing else i feel like we could crack the eggs open and make some serious omelets and get some gains true heck of an omelet yeah now are are the eggs are they like in the embryo stage if we were to come across an egg are there different stages of egg development in theory there would be many different stages of egg development and depending on how good we do on knowledge checks our wizard might be the expert here for figuring out okay how do we maybe help this egg grow to its full power and hatch quickly all right so let's um let's try to find these eggs absolutely let's turn is it i'm gonna let us know that right now we're gonna be starting with cake's turn than earlick wane and norm next uh in theory we're keeping the same initiative order right now

but i also do want to say that right now we are all in luck because we were pretty badly injured or if we weren't injured we had maybe some spell slots that we had used up in the case of the wizard but right now after defeating berserker billy especially because it was the warlock earlick who like defeated this demonic creature once more i would say there's a surge of energy that fills all of us up and we are back up to full hit points and full spell slots as though we had gotten a full rest right now in addition all of our characters were level two and after defeating berserker billy that levels us up to level three let's go so we have a lot more hit points than we had just a moment ago and we each gain kind of like one little ability i'll just let us know real

quick uh wane you now have the spell invisibility you can turn yourself invisible when you want and that's very useful for like sneaking around and doing stuff like that uh norm the barbarian you now have the berserker rage ability where you can now swing two times just like berserker billy used to be able to do except you can do it every turn as much as you want just to clarify i'm stronger than billy i now have the only thing that he brought to the table and he's still very much dead and he's still very much dead right now to make sure that that was all clear absolutely and you are now a berserker barbarian with a lot of hit points and earlick you are maybe gaining my favorite level three ability which is where warlocks really start to flourish is at level three

because you are now a pact of the chain warlock and that means you have summoned and bound a little demon who sits on your shoulder and does your bidding this demon has a little scorpion tail that can sting people for like a ton of poison damage and they can turn themselves invisible or into like a bird or a bat or a spider or something like that so can i name should we name you can absolutely i would love to know you can take your time on it or you can let me know when it gets to my turn i'll i'll get an equal at 100 percent i'm very excited to hear about your demon then this and it is specifically a type of demon known as an imp technically devil type just anytime we talk to him before 11 a.m that's that's what hank is right now absolutely and in theory then

that is all kind of our well cake you in theory gain a bunch of second level spells but i'm going to kind of see what you want to do in any given situation because you have so many options i'm just going to go over wizards have so many different spells they can choose from we'll see what you want to cast in a given circumstance but you will have new spells that you have access to but at the moment we are in a cave that seems to have two exits besides the way we just came from which was like back to the fungi pit there's two different ways to go we don't know which way leads to the dragon eggs but then next to us to the north there's also the caged off area where the hounds the guardrakes are all locked up these lizard like creatures with horns in the center of their

head what would you like to do right now you could like scout ahead in one direction or what do you have like a 5050 shot yeah like the road less traveled seems like it might be the better option because people aren't just walking in and out of the hatchery willy nilly well everyone zigs will zag absolutely so you've got kind of a left tunnel in the right tunnel you don't know which way is going to the eggs which way do you want to go left or right i'm a lefty you gotta go left absolutely love it so i'm going to tell you as you go left you are coming to a cave that looks like a dead end and you don't see any eggs immediately but you see boxes of supplies in the corner it looks like food stuff has been piled up here then on the other side of the room there is some kind of pile of

rags that's been tossed here with a creature that is asleep it seems on that pile of rags it is a big creature that is chained to the wall right now and you immediately don't even need to make a check to know what this thing is it has the wings and front body of an eagle but its back body is a lion and this you know is a griffin this is a flying mythical creature uh but it looks like it is chained to this wall right now and by all accounts a prisoner of this cult at the moment and you see this griffin hasn't woken up or anything you can do whatever you like i think the griffin i mean the only why are we gonna kill the griffin a griffin can be a very powerful ally oh fuck it didn't you hear about the rags on a period oh true it's also asleep so

like you have to ask it picket playman come on hank you want hank wants to to rape a griffin on a period time out hank time out hank relax the demons coming out a little early hank this is you're playing the role of billy today so the griffin it seems like this to go a few different ways but i don't think it's that we've already taken down a dragon we can handle a griffin griffin's not a tough enemy we could also become friends with it and have it join our squad like who doesn't want to yeah i'm not intimidated let's see what the griffin has in store is the griffin you said that there were rags is it healthy it does not look healthy in the sense that it looks like it's been chained here for a long time and it's being beaten occasionally it's a robber griffin

it sounds like uh can i yeah you want to check in on it yeah let's see let's see the help let's do a health check absolutely go ahead and roll a medicine check on that all right so you can roll it yeah okay our first roll very exciting oh oh no i like to die but fortunately with a four well you do have a plus three on this so you got a seven total and with a seven you go to check on the griffin and it almost like reaches over and snaps at you but it realizes at the last moment and freezes and then in the common tongue says to you well you don't seem like a cultist who are you and it seems like they're awake they are awake now they thought they were unconscious but it turns out i'm cake the wizard cake the wizard

you don't seem like one of the cultists caked wizard who what are you doing here how did you get here i'm here to help you i'm not here to intimidate you you're here to help well unchain me from this wall then help help me help you uh are you trying to get out of here or what are you doing we want your help to get to the dragon eggs dragon eggs you're going after the eggs bold move but i approve i'll help you if you unchain me from the wall and then kind of gestures at the chain which is kind of embedded into the wall by a rusty spike that's kind of hammered into the wall the griffin says i've been trying a few times but i haven't pulled myself free now you could try your strength but your strength is not great um i can my teammate tag in for me isn't

big car really strong absolutely i would let i would i'm strong i would let you have norm tag in right now on your turn to do your action in that case uh if it's the two of you working together actually then you can both roll uh you can roll two times one for each of you he's helping you right now so you will die and i'll i'll hit the i just like to say ahead of time like i'm in favor of going forward down this path but just keep an eye because this griffin seems like he was a little too eager for us to let him out you know i i questioned his motives but that's fine i think we can we can kill him if we need to jake's gonna roll i'm gonna do the ping pong this is gonna be your strength check and then this is norm helping you on the ping pong eight eight okay you're loosening

it up you're loosening it up for him technically that's a seven total though you have a minus one oh it didn't go it didn't go up it didn't go up that doesn't count it was gonna be an eight but it doesn't count doesn't count if it doesn't emerge it's gotta emerge i feel like this is gonna be a 20 this has an extra element of maybe it could be a 20 and then it falls back i feel like it's gonna be a 20 i've been on a hot street oh it's an eight ball don't lie okay it's an eight it's an eight but with a plus five total for you norm you are getting it done and you are able to yank the chain out of the wall the griffin still has the chain around his neck but it is now free from the wall and he's whips the chain around all right let's go let's let's oh you're going

for the eggs not getting out of here all right i'll come with you let's go and he's very excited to join us it seems okay absolutely and um cake you can do whatever else you want you could also roll an insight check on this griffin if you feel like you don't trust him i trust him absolutely i love it fantastic cake then you have a lot to learn about journalism and uh at this point erlich we would be up to you next it seems like we found to the left was a dead end that we just freed a griffin from and there's a way to go to the right we've also got these chained up drakes who might join us if we free them as well now so should i roll absolutely you can do whatever you want to go a lot of in theory you also yeah

let's go a lot of with the only in theory what in theory you can go to the right is the one way we haven't explored yet unless you want to do something with the drakes who are currently still chained up at the moment not chained up but locked up the drakes are our enemies though they were our enemies until we got a critical hit convincing them to think norm the barbarian is just the coolest so should we do should we do what we did with the griffin and free the drakes and then strengthen numbers and just go down and and fuck up these dragons squad you could if you wish absolutely but what are the chances that the drakes turn on us right now it seems like they're gonna help us as long as they get to attack somebody who is our enemy once they run out of

enemies then they might start getting bored but we did get a critical hit it was a pretty good roll you remember once once we start to lose the drakes quickly lose interest in following you and we don't know what else is down the cave like anything do we need strength in numbers what do you guys think i don't know your role i don't i don't necessarily trust the drakes i don't trust the drakes either i feel like we already have the griffin yeah so we can fuck them up we got the griffin i have berserker now can we like can we like kill one of them just to show them we mean business and then free the rest you absolutely could uh if you uh they're caged up right now i'd say if you like eldritch blast one of them right now i'll let you make an

intimidate check to see if the others all fall in line all right let's do that we'll just use a lot of machine for big rolls yeah for big big things absolutely let me and you have a plus five on this see you got good bonuses 16 16 absolutely with a plus five that's a 21 you absolutely smash one of the drakes in the face and all of them now there are four drakes who want to follow you now and are uh admiring norm but are terrified of earlick the warlock and will not disobey him you think so we got a squad we got a griffin we got five drakes anything else four drakes four four drakes now a griffin and all of our teammates you're also welcome to use your move to try to like pick the lock to free them if that's what you want to do unless you just

want to use a spell to blast that open eldritch blasting theory could knock their cage open potentially pick that lock yes pick the lock we eldritch blasted them yeah we've eldritch blasted them to show them we mean business and now we can show them you know we're not going to blast our way out we can free you you got a plus two on this dexterity check three twelve uh oh that was a three i'm sorry to say a five total you are trying to pick the lock right now one of the uh drakes jumps up to the uh uh door and starts like shaking it and it's making it harder for you to pick it right now she's like a big dog just getting too excited to go for a walk right now but you are definitely getting it a little bit more open and maybe we will see on uh wanes turn now actually the griffin

catches up to us and gets ready to attack whoever might come up and uh try to attack us but right now he's just looking at the drakes like i don't know if i like this or not okay raises one eyebrow i kind of i want to use my invisibility absolutely you can activate your invisibility right now i want to do that i don't a new toy what can i do with my invisibility to go inside the cage and open it from the inside or i can well i could just do that i don't have to be invisible to do that but maybe i get invisible i go inside the cage and then you guys go haunting for the eggs and i can tell you what the drakes are actually saying if they're trustworthy they don't know i'm there what you could do right now is you could turn invisible then you could slip through the bars

try to get into the cage and go right up to the drakes where they're kind of like right next to each other where they could be whispering to each other and i'd let you eavesdrop on their conversation that's what i want to do i want to eavesdrop on the drakes absolutely so you turn yourself invisible i'll let you wiggle through the bars no problem as you climb down into this kind of pit area that they're in they have the ability to mutter to each other i know that you speak a little bit of the draconic tongue and that is the language they are kind of grunting to each other and make a perception check now and you get to roll two times because you're right next to them do you hear them say anything okay perception check ten ten and roll one more time

just see if you do any better nineteen nineteen you absolutely hear all of these drakes who are talking to each other are muttering in draconic how they think that the strong one is really cool but the little one be careful because the gnome that one is actually quite powerful and we think he can shoot fire and stuff like that so they seem pretty dumb actually and they seem like they've fallen in line very obediently okay strength has proven to them that they should be on our side not on the cultist side we're going to get back to tim woods in a second with more dungeons and dragons but tim is brought to you by zip recruiter zip recruiter is the smartest way to hire we love zip recruiter they've been our sponsors since just about day one here at part of my take and they

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to add a plus three from the inside from the four uh you did sit from the inside i like that maybe that's a little bit easier one more time yeah it's easier from the inside uh 17 that's good yeah all right with the help that earlick set you up with you are absolutely able to kind of pick the lock from the other side you push that drake away who had been kind of interrupting him and the lock is now pick the gate the gate flies open the drakes come bounding out and the only bad thing that seems to be happening is the griffin immediately takes off into the air and is just flapping 10 feet above us like i don't okay fine all right but i'm not gonna land now i'm gonna stay in the air at this point uh he is gonna it seems like still help us in attack he's just very cautious

okay you've used the pronoun he a couple times with this griffin we're confirmed like we can see the testicles and shaft i mean all accounts based on its voice more than anything do seem to suggest is a male griffin yes okay how could be like that this cave though like how how high can you fly not very high up at its highest point it's 20 feet in the air so he's kind of pressed against the ceiling just barely able to flap around it also might be like that lady from theranos she might just have a deep voice that it puts on to sound important true keep an eye on that um and the the guardrakes come bounding out norm you would be up now so if you wish to lead the way somewhere currently the bard is still invisible and will remain so until you either attack or cast another

spell wane then you reveal yourself okay i kind of want to kill these drakes just let them out and just start swinging on them i want to take batting practice yeah fuck them i really don't like them they're pissing off the griffin dude they are i think that the griffin is our more most important ally right now because like we can fly on it the drakes are nothing we can crush people it's got a face of an eagle i'm gonna kill all the drakes the griffin looks like it could carry two people for the record it is a great form of transportation uh the drakes couldn't really carry anybody and so you are gonna swing it one of them they can help us no they can't they don't do i don't like the drakes i gotta say yeah and what we should do is why would you just free them why would you spend

all the time so that i could kill them so yeah i want to kill these drakes would you like to go reckless and roll with advantage yeah why not okay then if the drakes attack you they will all be getting advantage on their attacks against you i'm rooting for the drakes two two and you said you were reckless though so roll one more time yep one one oh i'm sorry to say that you swing at the drake and your uh axe doesn't get stuck because you get to take the higher the two rolls but it does thud into the ground right next to one of the drake and he just kind of looks at you a little quizzically um i'll let you there that drake you're right next to is going to try to like what the heck was that and snap to bite at you unless you try to intimidate all the drakes

right now is there a chance i was just letting you know i was boss absolutely all right yeah all right we won't kill the drake yeah yeah we're good all right is there a chance that like they all looked up to him so much because he was strong and they see him acting like a fool and now they don't like him anymore and they're like we're just gonna go and they just leave us there's definitely no because then they can tell on us we don't want that tell us tell other people that were frauds no no tell everyone that where we are i just want to be like hey i was just swinging i was just taking batting practice drakes not a big deal rolling intimidate checking you have advantage on this to convince them we're just a joke yeah that didn't work i want the drakes back

on her side absolutely one again but you have advantage on this because the bard has set you up but you've been all right i'm going to the ping pong ball this is the big one this is a big one you got this you got this if not you have another attack you can do this turn all right all right no i want to drink i don't want to kill the drakes and they look pretty tough they're each like a giant greyhound or or pit bull come on oh well okay well plus five is a 17 and that is with oh i'm sorry you know your intimidating is plus three but that's still a 15 or higher the drake just kind of looks at you and backs away almost nodding like okay all right i guess we're cool the other three jakes are like

you almost got swung at it but the one drake who would have bit you is not gonna bite you now good stuff excellent nice that was fun and uh that would bring us then uh from norm's turn to uh i did put into initiative bob costas and bob costas is just watching this whole thing happen oh i forgot i forgot we got rock in hand just like oh and he's terrified of these drakes you think these drakes love to eat kobolds based on the way that it is sniffing they are all sniffing bob costas right now uh but cake that's gonna bring us back to you what would you like to do let's go find these eggs i feel like we've got we've lost the plot a little bit here we got so concerned with killing we do have four drakes and a griffon following us now we've done enough

torturing of our own crew i think it's time to go back to the original goal of the eggs and you've eliminated the left hand route so it looks like the right hand route should be the way to get to the eggs in theory all right let's do it absolutely so you start to head in the right hand direction it's a staircase that starts going down and immediately with your elven senses you can tell that up ahead there are some kobolds making a lot of noise it sounds like at least four kobolds in the room up ahead kobolds are very weak but if there's four even five of them that's a nasty swarm that we might want to deal with um and uh you haven't seen them yet but you hear them up ahead what would you like to do i think we have a big enough squad to take them down absolutely

we certainly do have a lot of people kobolds are not going to impede us at all uh or or harm us too much uh you can scout ahead either using perception or stealth or you could just rush ahead and get ready to cast a spell at them what would you like to do the other thing we just charge or should we play it safe we could we could charge or you could use the drakes to charge because they seem to like to smell it by costus who's it seems like if we're going to lose some members of our squad it could be the drake absolutely send the drakes rushing into this room is that right yeah boom absolutely they had a ready to action to charge and as they charge down roaring into that room you just hear kobolds start screaming and panicking they are fleeing and apparently getting mauled you enter

the room now to see what's happening at this point yes absolutely when you you see in the room all these drakes running around there were maybe five kobolds on the ground who are in various states of getting dragged around by drakes and thrown around the room they were apparently all like worshiping some creepy altar with a five headed dragon statue on top of it they are not doing that anymore they are trying to run for their lives and occasionally fight at one of the drakes but they are losing except for the two kobolds who have taken off into the air because for some reason these two kobolds have flapping wings growing out of their back and so they are like looking down at these drakes who are just mauling the rest of their friends and so you

can see this scene before you now and you still have your whole action to do a spell if you want it looks like the five kobolds on the ground are being taken care of but the two in the air the one drake looks up and is just like what are we going to do about that all right we have to finish the job absolutely you've got some good cantrip spells like fire bolt or ray of frost that you could launch at these people or you could go big and do a chromatic orb to launch go all in all in absolutely you're launching a chromatic orb for sure for sure go ahead and roll a d20 plus five to see if you are going to hit this kobold have you ever rolled a crazy roll just how you do it with two hands all right 11 it was 11 11 11 plus five is a 16

and what element did you create with your chromatic orb you get to choose either poison acid lightning thunder fire or cold that's under that ending in the thunder you said you said oh yeah shouldn't thunder and this like orb of acid just splashes right into this winged kobold and completely covers its body it's just bones and smoke and steam rising off those bones that clatter against the wall and onto the floor you dealt so much damage with the chromatic orb this creature is just wiped out no doubt well done excellent but there is still one of these kobolds flying around in the air when uh earlick would be about to go unfortunately this kobold gets to go just before earlick and this kobold is going to be flying over to not one of the drakes because

you shot a spell this last flying kobold knows that you could take him out of the air and he's going to try to drop a rock on your head right now but i'm happy to say the rock lands right next to you cake but does not hit you and that would bring us to earlick's turn next earlick what would you like to do you hear the fighting up ahead the drakes are having a great time sounds like the wizard is under fire though shouldn't me and the drakes and griffin go help cake absolutely 100 percent could if you rush into the room you see that there is one winged kobold and then it looks like all the kobolds on the ground are dead at this point to our drakes and isn't the griffin it's flying right we can't we can't shouldn't we send the griffin into you know in theory it's

going to go right after your battle in sky it's going to swoop in in just a moment all right it's a roll absolutely would you like to do an eldritch blast or you could send in your imp to do something if you want oh all right by the way my name for my demon on my shoulder is lola lola i had a cat growing up that i hated it attacked me every single day of my life and i never called it anything but demon it was just demon demon demon demon real name was lola so right lola absolutely so lola right now is like digging her claws into your shoulder and is whispering hey boss let me add him let me add him i'll go after him i can take him out would you like to roll for lola lola has a plus five on her stinger attack 20 20 absolutely dicks billy just like with the chromatic orb i do not

need to roll damage lola deals so much damage with her stinger she immediately just pierces right through the neck of the kobold and you see poison just spurting laugh and the kobold falls out of the ground withered to the ground and all the other kobolds are slain it seems like this was some kind of altar shrine for the kobolds but there is another staircase leading out of here further down it seems like the only way forward but the drakes are finishing up with the kobolds and then a griffin flies into the room at this point our griffin flies in sees that there's little maybe maybe pecks off the last of the kobolds and then says do you want me to uh do you want me to scout a head down there and tell you what i see yeah all right then i would like

to erlich you just went why don't you roll for the griffin to see how good a perception check the script and it's going to be wrong after a roll 20 13 13 and the griffin has a plus five and actually has advantage you're all one more time on this so far you got an 18 do you want to roll just go ah i don't see a comment everyone's eight eight uh so we're going to go with the original roll the 18 it was a success for sure and the griffin flies back and says sure thanks oh no he says you were looking for the hatchery right well i found it there's a pit that looks like there are maybe three dragon eggs or more i saw at least three dragon eggs but i also saw something else i saw one of the stalagmites coming out of the ground in this pit a spike

of stone i saw it wiggle and i have no idea what that is it's like a sibling okay i would let anyone roll a d20 right now to see if they know what the griffin just spotted if they know uh what this thing might be maybe this will be a group uh knowledge check nine nine nine but if we're going with the best knowledge check in the group that would be the wizard with a plus five and with a 14 you at least know the name of what you think this creature is you've heard of creatures that can disguise themselves as stone outcroppings like spikes of stone and they are usually guardian beasts you know they are called ropers but you don't peter north know exactly why they are called ropers there is some reason why they have that

name but with a 14 the wizard does not remember exactly in wizard school when they were taught about ropers why they are called ropers precisely but they are camouflage predators okay got it and uh that was uh buh buh buh all happening on earlick's turn well the griffin had just scouted so wane we are up to you they're still invisible can i go drag billy's dead corpse off the ground reanimate it and then make it sit on the roper abs you can definitely drag the corpse i would say that you looking at the spells that you have our griffin's gotta be pretty hungry by now right your griffin is certainly hungry and he is a carnivore and he says um interesting that his body's a little old but i wouldn't mind i'm hungry i wouldn't mind picking at that a little

bit yeah i think i want to feed billy's dead body to our griffin you start to feed just because he's hungry yeah absolutely uh i'll also point out you're still invisible so when you pick up billy's body it does kind of look like billy's just walking around because you're like an invisible puppet master right now can i use like my hands to make billy have a really stupid face and then trip him a few times as he's walking you make him like walk around and like you see billy's face like contouring different ways but then because he's in different pieces the body parts start to like fall over a little bit you're a good you have a lot of dexterity though so you start catching yeah i'd like to juggle billy's testicles juggling various body parts throw one against the wall

absolutely there's a splat as something hits the wall for sure okay great so uh yeah now i'd like to feed his corpse to the griffin absolutely the griffin is actually saying mm you know there's something tangy about it like dark magic or something but you know it's not bad and the griffin keeps eating this yeah and the griffin is also thanking us for having freed him he does introduce himself after this delicious meal and says you know i my name's blake it's an absolute pleasure and i'm so thank you for freeing me i really really appreciate it so he's now really like feeling like a member of our team now that he got to eat our former teammate got it okay yeah went down the wrong actually i don't like blake griffin anymore yeah he kind of ditched us the

other day oh i'm sorry uh it's okay this can be a different big no that's late no blake griffin's fine okay just for the record i'm mad at him all right so now that let's take him out you want to take him out maybe maybe one of his other his good knee will take out his good knee he's already got one bad one to a bad knee i don't know i mean what what uh no i i'm i'm happy that we fed him he's probably feeling healthy right now i'm gonna be the bigger man for the record in the situation even though i want to hit him in his other knee i i'm gonna be nice to him i'd like to enlist his help to find out uh exactly what this roper thing is kind of like circle the roper from above and survey it uh see if it's like if it has any ill intentions towards us absolutely i'm

gonna let you roll another perception check with advantage for blake griffin as he does another scouting move for us that's a seven but he has advantage to roll one more time for blake the griffin all right it's a 10 absolutely so 10 with a plus five or is it 10 total are you saying or is it a 15 it's a straight up it's a straight up 10 straight up 10 on the die so 15 total with a 15 he is able to fly back and he says okay i saw a piece of the stalagmite open up for a second it has a mouth i can tell that much and then i saw something like wiggle out of a piece of the rock like there's holes all over this thing and something that looked like a weird like maggot worm or something came wiggling out like a snake maybe out of the out of the rock itself and blake doesn't

know more about what a roper is but that is what he saw okay i want to track down these eggs though i feel like the eggs the eggs are just scattered around this roper unfortunately like the roper is guarding them okay so i think i know what we should do i think we should take bob costas's body throw it to the roper and then go collect the eggs while bob costas is getting eaten by the roper what about billy's body oh is there any is there any billy's body left over there's definitely some billy's body billy was a goliath huge you have chunks of his body and you can absolutely invisibly carry the body parts in you can if you carry them close enough they'll turn invisible and then you can start throwing chunks to where you think the roper is is that what you want to do

i'd like to i'd like to go in really close and then from above i'll just drop it in like a like i'm salt based sprinkling some seasoning into the roper absolutely you're able to climb down these stairs and sure enough just like blake the griffin had reported you see this area off to the south where there are all these eggs scattered in little nests and then in the middle there's one conspicuous stalagmite that then just wiggle slightly and as you kind of it doesn't see you because you're invisible as you get closer you climb up the wall a little bit and start dropping little chunks of food and sure enough you see it start to wiggle more and wiggle more roll a deception check with advantage to see if you have tricked this thing effectively thirteen thirteen

roll one more time this is a great idea so you're gonna get advantage on this love it fifteen fifteen and with a plus five on deception which is what you have that's a 20 total what you see is this stalagmite first of all open up this kind of hole on the side of it that then has an eye inside a beady red eye that starts looking around then another crack on it opens up and there's these rows of jagged teeth it's obvious that this thing is just disguised as a piece of rock but it's very much a creature that then has all these tentacles that wiggle out of holes in the rock that start shooting out and as the chunks of meat fall all around the roper it's like spider man or like a frog's tongue just nassing up catching all the pieces of meat and tossing them into its mouth

and it starts to look around like where's this meat coming from but more pieces keep falling and it's like i don't have time to which i gotta catch all these and it has at least like five of these tentacles but now it is very distracted trying to search around for all the missing pieces of food if you try to steal the eggs right now you would have advantage okay i would love to steal the eggs yeah all right this will be your final roll then with advantage okay two d20s and you have a plus five on this two two of them two of them okay uh can i do one here and then one up there absolutely absolutely first one down here 12 12 second one 17 so far okay come on 20 give me some eggs give me some eggs what was that eight eight we keep rolling eight but but you got a better

roll on that so is the 17 total on that with a 17 you will be able to grab i'm gonna give you this d4 and that's how many eggs you are going to be able to find so if you want to roll that die right there you are going to get away with this many eggs before the roper gets a chance to notice what you are doing that's a it's a three all three of the visible legs that you just found grab grab grab and you can tell real quickly there are different colors these eggs they are all different colors and you're having trouble figuring out which ones which but you're gathering up three of them and you're able to run along behind a rock now with those eggs just as the roper turns to look at you and it knows where you are it's heard you kind of scuttling behind the rock it's searching around

for you and it's going to try to get you with one of its tentacles but it missed you feel this like tentacle reaching over your head and it like sticks against the rock above you and then pulls and it recognizes not pulling anything so it just peels off that rock and you ducked invisibly underneath it in fact he had disadvantage let me just make sure he didn't get a one so you don't get to attack him but he missed you and then norm the barbarian would be up now you got the eggs i got three eggs do you want to smash this this uh roper thing or do you want to try to smash the eggs open or do we want to hatch them i don't know or should we run out of the cave we're probably gonna we should probably i'll go and then maybe we'll end with jake so what should we maybe i'll point out norm the

ropers very distracted right now if you're looking for more dragon eggs somebody could sprint in use their athletics to try to do so real quickly grab a bunch of eggs not being sneaky about it but while the roper's busy grab as many eggs as you can and then try to run back okay all right i'll grab some more eggs are you sure we've got three eggs no we'll grab some more let's i mean you can never have enough dragons that's a very good point all right uh this will be an athletics check then and if you're raging you now have advantage on this okay yeah we have do we have the bandwidth to raise like a bunch of dragons we got i think we just let them raise themselves okay free range dragons yeah right we're gonna start we're not gonna tell them right how to act right we'll just whatever

they do just let them go all right 15 uh with a 15 so far so good that's a 20 total with a plus five but roll one more time just to see if you do any better three three so we're taking the 20 total with a 20 total you also can sprint in and by the time the roper turns to you and realizes what you're doing you are already grabbing a 1d4 eggs so see how many eggs you can grab just kicking nests over it's the top it took me a lot of figure out 100 it's always the same whichever way you turn it on the top number four eggs you now have a total of seven eggs you're just like juggling all the tossing them in your bag right now and you norm and wane can tell that in this hatchery besides all the eggs you found in the roper there's also this kind of crevice off to the side

that there's a little bit of sunlight glinting through like this could be a back door to get out of here but you need maybe to be able to climb very well like norm or at least be able to fly and so yeah we're gonna try to climb out yeah can i blast this thing open too so we get more space so we can all get out of there absolutely make an athletic trick to try to you're trying to like the wide in the hole yeah i want everyone to get out 15 there we go with a 15 uh you are absolutely kicking a bunch of rocks and causing a small avalanche that then creates a rubble slope that other people now have an easier time climbing out well done excellent actually in fact with that slope none of us need to make checks anymore we can either fly out or just run out the slope

and climb out easily the rest just run out yeah toward sunlight um cake any last things you are gonna do as we're running out you can make one investigation check to try to like grab more eggs or you could do one thing to the road last turn on your way out seven's not enough we're always wanting more dragon eggs go ahead and roll one investigate check best dragon eggs the next one we should also make the the griffin shit before it leaves uh billy's body goes out in the cave i don't want to take that with us oh i see some good numbers up there oh that was nice 13 okay

and you have a plus five on this so with an 18 roll the d4 one more time to see what our total tally of dragon eggs comes up to whoa what the fuck one one it's a one so we rounded it out from seven to an even eight dragon eggs very exciting you found one more but i'm gonna say since it's the last one this is the one that has strange runic markings all over it strange symbols are glowing on this particular dragon egg as you grab it wizard and you are able to run out up the slope and that is uh where we will uh as we run out with eight dragon eggs tricky you're tricky tim because i bet you nobody ever quits and gives up when they have eggs before they hatch that's good strategy on your part but um i'm a little concerned about the runic egg i like that was

there a chance that maybe somebody got more active with this dragon than was previously led to believe and this might be his son interesting i don't know billy you got any thoughts on that hey just kidding tim thank you so much we really appreciate your time as always love you guys billy do you have any thoughts or your fun fact plata pussies are the only mammals that are met venomous there's no chance that they're called plata pussies plata pussies plata pie yes maybe they're venomous they're not plata pussies i don't know but they're what it's a complicated plural i tried pussies plata pussies okay plata pussies are what we're gonna say they're the only mammal that are venomous how about that is that it they also lay eggs

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