Pardon My Take - Ryan Whitney, Author Jeff Pearlman + Week 3 NFL Picks

Episode Date: September 21, 2018

The Browns have finally won a Football game (this is just a guess because we had to tape early if the Jets won forget we said anything)(2:24-6:05) Jimmy Butler started major drama and now Stephen Jackson may kill the Wiggins brothers (6:05-11:15). NFL Week 3 Preview + Picks (11:16-21:49). Fantasy Fuckboiis(21:50-25:25). Author Jeff Pearlman joins the show to talk about his new book about the USFL "Football For A Buck" and has some wild stories about the creation and demise of the USFL including a player that once went on the IR because he slammed his dick in a car trunk(27:45-51:55). Ryan Whitney checks in to talk about what he's been up to, does anyone try in preseason hockey, and how he's been doing gambling on the NFL this year + a bonus lock (57:14-1:16:04). Segments include the debut of "Just Stop Talking Jon Gruden”(1:18:20-1:20:25), Respect the Biz for the Browns sideline reporter who yelled at a ref (1:20:26-1:25:25), Trouble in Paradise for the 10,000th time Belichick and Brady(1:25:26-1:29:22) and a special guest, Dana B from Mickstape with Dana's Thoughts.(1:29:23-1:39:40) You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/PardonMyTake

Hey, pardon my take listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen, ad-free, on Amazon Music. On today's pardon my take, we have author Jeff Perlman in his new book about the USFL, Football for Buck, some really cool stories about the USFL. Guy got his dick caught in a trunk of a car. So that's one of them right there. We also have our good friend Ryan Whitney checking in, he's got a lock of the week,

and we have our week three NFL picks, fantasy fuck boys are back, the grab bag, everything you want and more, but first we're going to do some ads, and when we do ads on Friday we do some picks. So Larry is going to pick a game. The first game up, PFD. We've got the Rams and the Chargers. Rams and the Chargers. Rams over here.

Rams over here. Chargers over here. Chargers over here. On my side. On my side. Left to right. Yeah, left to right. Yeah.

So here we go. Rams, Chargers, and the first ad up is the Cash App. You know Cash App? It's the simplest way to instantly... Where'd you get the Chargers? He took the Chargers. That was a decisive move. Do I end the ad?

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Bye. Now in the street there is violence, and then a lot of work to be done. No place to hang out or wash in, and then I can't blame all on the sun. Oh no. We're gonna rock it down too. We're gonna rock it down too. We're gonna rock it down too. We're gonna rock it down too.

We're gonna rock it down too. We're gonna rock it down too. We're gonna rock it down too. We're gonna rock it down too. We're gonna rock it down too. We're gonna rock it down too. We're gonna rock it down too. We're gonna rock it down too.

We're gonna rock it down too. We're gonna rock it down too. Either trick or venue. And then we'll take it higher. Oh we're gonna rock it down too. We're gonna rock it down too. Shit it's hard. My take.

I like to fish it. They come school. Welcome to part of my take presented by SeatGeek. Today is fray-ay, September 21st and the Cleveland Browns have won a football game PFT. I love it. I love it. No, because we're taping this early on Thursday for the pup punk show.

But we're assuming that they won because I think we're both in agreement that it feels like Cleveland's night tonight. Yeah. So it's going to be a choose your own adventure. We're actually sitting at the Celtics practice facility. We just got done interviewing Gordon Hayward coming out next Wednesday. So it is like three o'clock in the afternoon. We have no idea if the Browns won. We're assuming they did. We just didn't want to miss the opportunity to start the show by saying

the Cleveland Browns have won a football game. They're world champions of Thursday night football. Hugh Jackson was undefeated in their last two Thursday night football games. Hugh Jackson got carried off like Newt Rockney. It was unbelievable. Yeah, either that or just yeah, he was dead. And they just threw him into the lake. So what do you think actually? I actually choose your own adventure. OK, choose my own adventure.

I think that the Browns won tonight. I think their defense is pretty good. I know they've got some injuries, though. And I think this is a Sam Donald come back to Earth game. Welcome to the NFL rookie game. He already kind of did against the Dolphins. Yeah, the Dolphins aren't a real team. I I'm going to agree with you.

I think the Browns are going to finally take the last step from Frisky to actually winning a football game. And the Jets are going to now have the conversation. Do they really stink after that? Because it's like a domino effect around the league. You the Jets win convincingly week one against the Lions. Then we find out the Lions might suck and they're probably going to get killed by the Patriots on Sunday night.

Then we find out the Dolphins might be good. And it's like all dominoes like, wait, oh, so the Jets, actually, after we kind of put it all together, Pepe Silvia, it's like, oh, yeah, the Jets are exactly what we thought they were. Like seven and seven and 19. You want to crown their asses? Well, we'll crown them. Yeah, they're seven and nine. I think that's actually a pretty realistic expectation for him.

Donald, I still think is, I mean, I think he's legit. Even though he had some. He was under pressure tonight. Nice throws. The difference was he was under pressure tonight. Yeah. And so if you get it, yeah. If you get a rookie under pressure like that, you alluded to it earlier, but the Browns, I think, have graduated from frisky. So with it, you know what? They were in the they were in the could be tree before tonight,

which is like, we could be two and oh, yes, if it wasn't for our coach and our Zane Gonzalez, they're in the could be tree in their nest made of excuses is what I say. Now, welcome to being a winner, Cleveland. I say the Cleveland Browns are going to make the playoffs. Oh, that's absolutely insane. So if you have the Cleveland Browns winning this game, what happens to Todd Bowles, top 10 coach?

He just lost to the Browns for the first time in two years. Now you put your future you in a pickle here. No, no, because Todd Bowles lost to a playoff team. So OK, that's good. That's smart. You got me. No, I honestly, I could see it going either way. Yeah. So let's do so. So for Jets fans, so you don't get triggered just if you were Jets fan,

just pretend the last three minutes didn't happen. The Jets beat the Browns. Good job beating a team that never wins. Yeah, Hugh Jackson has been murdered. Yes. So there I think it was that they're investigating Todd Haley and Bob Wiley for eating them potentially. So yeah, good job, Jets. I hope you're real proud of yourselves for basically like it's child abuse

kind of beating the Browns in a football game. Yes. So hope you hope you're satisfied. All right. So we got a big football weekend coming up every weekend. A big football weekend in the fall before we get to our game picks and we have a new little wrinkle how we're going to preview every football weekend and we also have fantasy fuckboys. We have to talk about the league that never stops. It is the NBA.

Jimmy Butler, we were debating whether to put this in the segments or at the top of the show. And on its face, Jimmy Butler just saying, I want to be traded from the Timberwolves. That's a segment. You know, that doesn't lead the story. That doesn't lead the show. If he was a top 20 player, it would definitely lead the show. But since he is a top 20 player, yeah.

But what makes it a part of the beginning of the show is the fact that we now have Jimmy Butler wanting to leave tibs on the hot seat, the rumor that Jimmy Butler might have had sex with Katz girlfriend, Carl-Anthony Town, which I think has been debunked. But that's just what the Internet is saying. We do. We're not saying it. Ever trouble in paradise. It's like somebody either lost money in a poker game

or they slept with somebody's girlfriend. And my favorite part. Yeah, my favorite part about this whole thing is now the feud between Steven Jackson and the Wiggins brothers. So Nick Wiggins, Andrew Wiggins brother, tweeted or Instagram story at Hallelujah when Jimmy Butler said he wanted to trade. Then Steven Jackson, while smoking, I think a joint. No, no, no, a cigarette, a vape.

Yeah, he was smoking a vape, a jazz cigarette. Yeah, he basically said, hey, you don't want this smoke. I can still take you take you. And I believe Steven Jackson Jackson. I think rider died for life. Yeah, this is definitely a case of the Wiggins brothers not being old enough to know what happened at Malus to Palace. And you should probably just stop fucking with Steven Jackson.

And Andrew Wiggins, I'm kind of sick of like you are. You are you are potential personified. I'm sick of your potential. You got Steven Jackson is a guy that I would take on any professional sports team that I had. I don't care what sport it was. If I like if it was a rider cup, I would want Steven Jackson on my squad as a captain's pick just for the intimidation factors.

Just to let everybody know where you stand. But yeah, so now Jimmy's saying that he wants to either go to LA Clippers, New York Knicks, who am I leaving out here? The Nets and the Nets. And those are all three teams that can give him a max contract next year. Right. Yeah. So yeah, I listen.

If I'm any of those teams, I would probably not do it for Jimmy Butler. Well, like I'm going to be actual conversational about Jimmy Butler here. This is not me doing my hot take. Because he is obviously you were trying to be. He is obviously when he said he wasn't top 20. I was caught in a lot. I was, I was, but I would not want to pay him a max deal right now. I don't think that you can win a championship with Jimmy Butler as your

one or one a guy. Okay. I love Jimmy Butler, but I actually tend to agree. This whole situation with the Timberwolves is not a good sign. I feel like Jimmy Butler has gotten to a point and I'm a big Jimmy Butler defender. I love them on the balls. I still root for him when he was on the Timberwolves.

But like this all feels like Jimmy Butler is, is just can't get along with people and like there was reports that he's, he yelled at Carl Anthony Towns for being soft. I think he's a fantastic player. He is a top 20 player. He can be a number two. I've never thought he could be a number one on a championship team. He can be a number two on a championship.

Not a one A either. Uh, but it is a weird situation. And this whole thing like, I don't know. And also the fact that he just like his best friend is Mark Walberg. Like the whole thing is weird. You know what the word that you can use for him is a loof. He's just a loof. He's in a loof superstar.

Yes. Which doesn't make him a superstar. It's like a big asterisk on there. So what about Tim Duncan? Tim Duncan. No, I think Tim Duncan wasn't a loof. Kareem was a loof. Kareem is very, Kareem is currently a loof.

Yes. Always been a loof. Yeah. But back then he was, he had some other loofs on the team too. True. So if you have multiple loofs, then you're actually a team together and you're not just singular. Either way, this whole story is, uh, if you told me that Steven

Jackson would be like challenging people to fight on Instagram. Actually, I'd believe that now that I'm saying it out loud. I totally believe that. But Jimmy Butler and Tibbs, like this breaking up, I thought maybe, maybe Tibbs just didn't read it correctly. And like, he's like, yeah, well, let's just bring back all the bulls. We'll bring back Derek Rose. Joe Keem's going to be, he got his buyout.

He'll come over here. Here's what we'll do. We'll take the team that I had three years ago. They're three years older. I'm going to move them to a colder city. Yeah. Get the band back together. I'm not going to like as much and then it'll go perfectly.

Yes. But the hot seat for Tibbs, imagine just the amount of sweat that's going to be coming off that guy's forehead on a hot seat is just going to, this whole year is going to be just drowning in pools of his own perspiration. I feel bad for him because he's a great coach, but, uh, not the best people person. Personal skills lacking. Yes. That you can put that on him.

He's a great defensive coordinator. He is personal skills. Either way, I think Jimmy Butler, uh, where would you say clippers? It's going to be the clippers. Yes. Especially Mark Wahlberg. Yeah, it's going to be the clippers. He's going to go out to LA and they're going to go, they're going

to be like 400 next year. Here's a prediction 400. Well, you don't really hear the winning percentage there. I like that. Yeah, what I, what I did was I tried to do the mental math and I forgot how many games are in the season. So I was like, I don't know, like, I don't know, like 30 and 40 sounds about right. 67 win average 35 and 46.

Here's my hot take. Jimmy Butler is going to go to the clippers and he's going to single-handedly talk Mark Wahlberg into bringing back entourage. Okay. So the Jimmy Butler can star in it. Yeah, but he doesn't have any friends. Right. It's just him and Mark Wahlberg.

Yeah, it's going to be Mark Wahlberg. And listening to Taylor Swift. Ted Four. Yeah, exactly, exactly. Okay, let's get to the NFL. We have a new preview thing. We're going to work, we kind of spitballed. We're going to go through the schedule and we have three categories to preview it.

Then we're going to get to our picks. The first one is our loser leaves town game. So we have our loser leaves town game this week is the Texans and the Giants. This is officially, if the thing is, I'm pretty sure the Giants are terrible. Yes. And if the Texans lose to a terrible team, their season's over. Yeah, I agree. Officially, do we know what the Giants have done this week in terms of practice?

Did they do the thing where sometimes if a team travels east, they just like stay out on the East Coast. So the Giants played Sunday night in Dallas. Then they went all the way back to New York and hung out there for a week. Now they're back in Houston. Yeah. Or did they like stay somewhere in like, I don't know. Look that up, Bubba.

In Plano. See, did the Giants stay in Texas? Yeah, did the Giants stay in that $50 million high school football facility that was shut down after a year? Yeah, I really do not see how the Giants can win this game because of their offensive line being, how many years in a row can the Giants have a bad offensive line before they're like, Hey, let's fix this. Maybe, Hey, really?

Hey, is that a serious question? Hey, let in like the story of the entire franchise. Hey, let's resign Justin Pugh, who's pretty damn good. And Marshall Newhouse. Yeah. Well, yeah, yeah. Marshall Newhouse is actually very good. He's the only, only bright spot for the bills besides Josh Allen.

Yeah, that's a fact. No, I think the, I think the Giants are just basura. They're, they're my, I'm going to hang the, the Dunn chain on them. Not yet. Actually, well, I'm putting them on notice for they're in the basura pile right now with the Dunn chain that's dangling above their heads. That's the other thing. We're bringing back, we're doing a Dunn chain.

You might remember the hashtag done that Rob Lowe made famous when you hashtag done someone, they're done forever when you, except me interviewing Rob Lowe, uh, when you Dunn chain someone, their season is over. So the Seahawks have already been done. I put the Dunn chain on the Seahawks pretty early. All right. So, uh, they did stand out. They did.

Wow. Cut it to research. They did research by Bubba. Listen, that is a, that's a big hour difference going from Eastern time zone to Central time zone. Not only that, but you spend your whole week with your team. It's like a mini training camp. That's right.

You get the guys back together. Yeah, this hope springs eternal. Yeah. Also, if you're in Texas, you can legally carry a gun in your sweatpants. Yeah, you can't do that in New York. True, true. Um, all right, we have next up, we have the, are we sure they're good game? So the, are we sure they're good game goes to my AFC North pick of the year.

The Bengals at the Panthers, this is going to decide whether the Bengals are for real, not what, what, what constitutes, are we sure they're good? Like the Bengals losing by seven or less. Uh, I'm going to say three or less, because if they get, if they get their asses kicked, yeah, if they cover, if they cover, then I think that they're pretty legit. Okay. All right. So are we sure they're good?

Well, who, who have the Bengals play? Let's go through their entire season schedule so far. So week one, they played the Colts. This is great. Yeah. Week two, they played the Ravens. Okay. So they haven't played.

Well, no, they did play a big, very mobile quarterback in Joe Flacco. So we know that they can shut down Cam Newton then. I actually think this is kind of a, are we sure they're a good game for the Panthers too? Because if the Panthers, Panthers lose, I'm going to start asking, are we sure they're good? I don't think the Panthers are good, even if they win. Okay.

Um, and then finally we have the game of the week. So we each get to pick a game of the week. My game of the week is going to be Patrick Mahomes and San Francisco 49ers. Yeah. That's going to be an awesome game. Actually, I'll, I'll, I'll start the picks with my game of the week. That's going to be my over the week too. I am officially on bet the chiefs over until it loses status because I've won

twice on it. So I can't lose money. No, no, it's, it's a trend. Two and no. Yeah. It's trending in the right direction. All my metrics are saying that it's going to hit the over. Yeah.

Uh, Patrick Mahomes. Yeah. He's fun to watch and that I, I keep waiting for the Niners offense to get back to where it was last year. It will. I actually, now that I think about it, I'm not even sure that the Niners offense was that good or if I just got suckered into believing. Oh, last five games.

Yeah. Jimmy Garoppolo didn't lose a game. Um, so yeah, that's going to be a good game. My game of the week is going to be the Rams and the Chargers, the battle for Los Angeles. That's a good game. Yeah. So that's going to be a points factory at the Coliseum at the

Coliseum. So whoever wins this is going to be the team that Los Angelinos pretend to hate the least. Yeah. No, they pretend to care about if they're in the playoffs. Yeah. Well, they have to win the wildcard game. They will show up less late for whoever wins this game's team.

Yes. Boom. They'll, they will, they will consider buying a Rams or Chargers flag to go with their Lakers to go with their four Lakers flags for every window on their SUV. Well, no, they'll only put it up on the window on the way to or from the game and then take it down when they're driving around town. Correct. Okay.

Um, so yeah, you want to step into the, uh, the bets here. You want to do some of those? So you already took your over. Yeah. So I'll say my over. Okay. I'm going with the big over. This is my specialty.

Okay. When you take the game that has the highest point total and you just ride the over on it, that's the big over of the week and I'm doing it. New England, Detroit, 50 points. I like that. It's going over. Uh, it's not the highest point total, but yeah, are you sure? Yeah.

Cause the chief's in 49ers, 55 and a half. Oh, it's the highest I saw. Oh, okay. It's according to you. Yeah. So it's my source is, so we're taking two big overs of the big overs. Okay. Yeah.

A little too little now I'm starting to do the math in my head. I'm like, this just means that me and big header idiots and want points. Oh yeah. Yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. When you see it, when you see a total be at 50, it's, it's the, like it's the basically the dummy test.

When you see a total be at 50 or over, you're like, man, that means there's going to be 80 points and I always take it. When you see a, a total that's like 42 or under, like, well, they're never, no one's going to score. Yeah. No, if I, if I saw that the line on this game was 75, I'd probably still say take the over. She's like, well, you know what?

I'll tease it. Yeah. Cause that's cool. Like 75 points. I'll tease it down to 69, but New England's offense. I think they're going to have a better week this week and Detroit's going to be playing from behind. And so they're going to have Matt Stafford throw for four touchdowns and three

interceptions and 450 yards and they're going to get their asses kicked by 30. Matt Patricia and Bill Belichick, uh, hugging no after it's going to be cold handshake. Oh, okay. All right. Look away handshake. My under is going to be Chargers Rams. I think the Rams are going to, they're going to do the, uh, I just don't trust.

I think the Rams defense is a little too good for Phil Rivers and I'm a big Phil Rivers guy. I agree with you. I was going to take the over on that, but then I thought about the Rams defense line. Yeah. And the charges pass. I said, that's bad PFT.

Yes. Okay. You're under my under is doing the big under of the week. As far as I know, uh, Chicago, Arizona, it's at 40. Okay. Yes. So the bears are going to win 20 to three. The, uh, the Browns jets under is lower.

But yes, but that's okay. That's a theme. You're the second biggest under and second biggest pin under an ultimate under. Yeah. So I like that. I mean, I don't see the Cardinals scoring really at all. The only way they score is if Josh Rosen comes in and he's the best quarterback of all time.

Yeah, but I don't think that that's going to happen. Yeah. Uh, all right. My dog of the week is going to be, this was actually my backup. Are we sure they're good game? The Redskins plus three and I'm old. You know why I'm betting it? Why are you better?

Is this your dog of the week? Yes, this is my dog of the week too. So what's your reasoning? I'll tell you mine. I hope it's the same. All right. So I have two reasons why I'm betting one Aaron Rodgers. He says that his knees getting like he's afraid that it's going to get worse.

Yes. And the Redskins defense line is pretty good. Okay. So you're close to my reason. Tom Sula is coaching them. You're close to my reasoning. Aaron Rodgers knee the Redskins turf. Okay.

Yeah. Yeah. That's, that's all you need to say for that game. It's like, uh, was it baking powder and vinegar? This is going to make the volcano. This is going to be RG three in the Seahawks game again. Let's not hope for it. Listen, we don't root for injuries.

Got for a bit. Got for a bit. Let's hope that doesn't happen. Um, okay. Yeah, that was my underdog too. Yeah. All right. So what's your favorite?

My favorite, I'm taking the Jaguars minus six and a half. I think they, I think they win by 10. That's trap. No, it's not a trap. It's a divisional game. They just gave him off a big win. No, you can't have a trap game in a divisional game. The rivalry games.

All right. Um, my, what's his name, uh, the running back from Minnesota. I saw his locker room chart. Who, Dalvin Cook? Dalvin Cook. He said that this is, yeah, it's a rivalry game if it's a division. Uh, my favorite is going to be Falcons minus three. I'm buying, you guys know, I have a very, very soft spot for the Falcons.

Whenever they seem to have put it back together. Yeah, I've really drank the Kool-Aid and, and shark has got it back together. Red zone, four touchdowns, four red zone trips. I'm telling you, they might score a hundred points. They might win the Super Bowl. Did you almost say I've got a real wet spot? Yeah, I do. It's a soft spot.

It's a soft wet spot for every time the, like, I don't know what it is. I think it's the red zone. It's your red zone spot. I think it's also because of Hoolie Jones. I think it's the jerseys. It's just whenever they put it together for even a half, I'm like, man, Falcons, impossible to stop. So who are they playing this week?

They're playing the Saints. The Saints. And what's the spread? In Atlanta, you know, three. Three. Okay. Love it. I also, I'm about to, I'm about to, I'm putting the, um, the Dunn chain in the

same vicinity as the Mardi Gras beads for the New Orleans Saints. You're a little too early on the Dunn chain. We've got to be careful here. No, I'm just saying it's in the neighborhood. Okay. All right. Roll up. If there, if the New Orleans Saints are flying an F 14 and top gun, the radar,

it's a blip. The Dunn chain is a blip on their radar off in the distance. We need to, we need to, for future Dunn chains, we need to just make sure that we both are in agreement. So far we have the bills, the cardinals, and begrudgingly, I don't really, I didn't really agree to this one, but the Seahawks. Yeah. Uh, so someone update that and send us a picture.

Okay. Maybe the Seahawks, well, we have the Seahawks. Yeah. We already got that graphic. Maybe it won't be the Dunn chain for the Saints just yet. Maybe we'll just put the clown shoes on them. Okay. Uh, Bubba, do you have a pick for us?

Uh, yeah, I like Rams minus seven. Ooh, okay. All right. Uh, so that's it. We, do we go over 500 last week? Yeah. I think I went four and I asked as a team. I'm not asking.

No, I personally, okay. We did. Yeah. Okay. I'm seven and one on the year. Yeah. All right. But it's a team.

We're nine picks as a team. I'm seven and one on the year. We've guaranteed that we're going to go at least five and four every single week. Okay. Uh, all right. Let's before we get to our interviews, we have, uh, Jeff Perlman and Ryan Whitney coming up, but the last piece of our Sunday preview, fantasy fuck boys. PFT, you want to start?

I'm Tommy tornadoes and I'm telling you, I got to be Scott and Sammy walkins this week. Okay. He's in the cult that tells me he's a great teammate. He knows how to follow the leader. You say what you want about the heavens gate, but they knew something about a strict uniform policy and follow an instruction. Oh, I like that pick Tommy, Tommy, Tommy tornadoes, Tommy tornadoes, Tommy, that's me over here, Tommy tornadoes.

My sit-up this week is not having a straw for your iced coffee. Oh my God. They served us iced coffee today. We had to go to a different coffee shop to get the straw, to get that good, good straw. The US state's from sea turtles. Let's talk about locking up the Aguaio family first. Okay.

Walk the sea turtle priorities. Okay. My sleep of the week. I am here's my big sleeper tip. It's changing your Twitter profile name to reflect the win-loss record of your favorite football team. That's how you know you're good. That is right.

Seahawks one and two, baby. One and two. This is our year. I love it. All right, Tommy tornado. I'm going to go. I'm Frankie roast beef. What's up, everyone?

I'm going to start national pepperoni pizza day. It was yesterday, but you got to love the pepperonis. Whether you put it on your pizza or your tits like me, pepperonis all day. Every day. You eat so many of them. Your nipple stock will look like up like get a little hot burn. Take your time. All right, my sit that fuck Eli Manning.

How many times Eli Manning going to sack himself when I put a little fucking cash over on the Giants in a Sunday night game? Fuck you, Eli Manning. Just retire you fucking asshole. Eli, you're a big pussy. You heard the footsteps. You heard the fucking he's here in the footsteps right now. You hear that would be a real shamey life.

All right, my sleeper, my sleeper is tow penises. Big story about tow penises this week. Listen, guys, you don't you can sleep with the tow penis. You don't sleep on a tow penis. I don't care what part is big and something's big. It's doing a good job. You don't hate on tow penises. I'm not saying I have one, but I'm also saying I don't not have one.

The big head. Everybody loves the big head. Come on. Walk, talk softly and carry a big head penis. OK, go ahead. Who? What's your name? It's your boy, Vincenzo Vill Scalabini. I'm starting punk rock.

We got up at like seven a.m. Listen to it for four hours straight and put punk house of blues tonight. Yeah, yeah. Well, last night, it was last night and they rocked the fucking joint. Vill Scalapino, no time works. I'm sitting Chelsea boots. What? They make you look like a fuck boy.

What the hell's the Chelsea boot? They got no fucking laces. I don't even know what that is. Chelsea boots. The only boots I wear is the fucking shoveling snow. I wear a couple wingtips, shine them up real nice. What the hell are you talking about? You can't wear these on a work site.

Oh, if I were at Chelsea boots, who's getting the fucking shine by? Listen, if I'm on a work site, I'm sitting on a work line. I'm a no show. And my sleeper is Josh Allen. Oh, I like that. Against the Vikings, D. Everybody's talking about him. People forget they tied.

They didn't win. They didn't lose. They don't know what the fuck is going on this week. Oh, I like that a lot. It's rotten up in Minnesota. It's her cousin's nerd ass. That rocket I'm about to take flight. Oh, watch me now to space, baby.

All right, that is fantasy fuck boys back. Make sure you start and sit. All those actually do city line man. Does anyone have a line manning? No, I don't think you lie, man. I don't think he's eligible. He's not enough. Yeah, you could probably draft

Davis Webb before you can draft Eli Manning. Davis Webb isn't even on a roster. You can draft Don Terry Poe who threw one touchdown in the playoffs two years ago before Eli Manning. I was going to make my name. Frankie, forget about it. But then you did Frankie roast beef.

So then Vincenzo veal scallopini just came right off the line. Vinnie, Vinnie veal, Vinnie veals. OK, let's get this to add some Larry picks and then our interviews. All right, before we get to Jeff Perlman, quick word from our sponsor and another Larry pick. Yeah, so Larry is going to pick between the Cowboys and the Seahawks.

So you're going to be the Cowboys are over here and the Seahawks are over here here. No, no, not you here. Me here. Yeah. But you say me here. OK, here we go. Ready? You ready?

OK, well, Larry's not centered yet, but you can start the ad. OK, I'm going to start the ad. Here we go. Today's show is also brought to you by our good friends at Starbucks. Everyone knows this is a pro troops podcast. Shout out, Marlon's man. But not all our AWLs know that Starbucks is also

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And thank you to Starbucks for supporting our troops. We will then in turn support Starbucks. Visit starbucks.com slash veterans. Okay, here he is, Jeff Perlman. All right, we now welcome on an author. We don't usually have authors on it. I don't know the last author we've had on. Michael Bennett.

Michael Bennett, yeah, that's true. So it is Jeff Perlman. He's got a new book out about the USFL. It's called Football for a Buck. Crazy Rise and Crazier Demise of the USFL. Go buy it right now on Amazon. Get it all the way to the top. So we're gonna go a bunch of different ways

in this interview, but let's start with the book, obviously. I was listening to something, you're talking about it. This has been something like you wanted to write since you were a kid, right? It's been a passion project forever. So how the whole story start? I mean, my senior year in high school, we had AP English, she had to write a,

our final assignment was a 20 page paper and I've subject to your choice and I wrote 40 pages on the USFL. Oh, geez. I just freaking love the USFL. Your teacher probably hated you. I was actually thinking when I, the prologue in this book is about that.

I'm sure he didn't read it. Is there any way an English teacher, a high school English teacher is probably making 36,000 a year at the time. Not even probably. 1990 is gonna read a 40 page paper. You're a try hard. Yeah.

He gave me a B plus. He probably read 6% of that. Yeah, he's used to people writing 20 pages on the handmade still. Right. Or like maybe the history of Ronald Reagan's presence or something like that. Yeah, right.

Sick brag that you were in AP English, by the way. Very cool. Congrats. That was like a humble brag. Did you roll those credits over to Delaware? No, I got a two on the AP. Oh, wow. That's not good.

So you probably should have been in that class. Yeah. So I just love the USFL. I really did. I love the USFL. I love the colors, the helmets, the team names, Herschel Walker. You know, it's just like a kind of a bad ass league.

Yeah. Did you have a squad grown up? Who's your favorite USFL? New Jersey generals. Okay. Love the generals. The USFL, it's interesting because you wanted to write this book forever and correct me if I'm wrong.

Like you kind of were turned down a bunch of times. Many times. And now it comes out and it's almost like serendipity because it is the perfect timing not only with President Trump, who is part of the USFL story, but also these leagues that are now trying to make a comeback, the XFL, the whatever the American alliance. Yeah.

Which sounds like a shitty insurance. So like, how did the, how did the story of the USFL go? Why did it like fall apart? What, you know, what was, what exactly happened for, you know, our audience is younger. So we don't know at all. So it was a really good idea. It started in 1983 and the idea was spring football league,

18 games instead of 16. And the thing was like, you were going to have regional drafts. So every team would have five colleges that they were assigned to example Tampa Bay Bandits had like Florida, Florida state, Bethune Cookman, you know, whatever five schools in Florida. So presumably you'd have a lot of players who came up through the high school ranks in the area, went to college in the area, and these fans are going to flock to it.

You know, Tampa Bay's first coach was Steve Spurrier, the quarterback was a Florida coach named John Rees, on and on and on. And they were going to keep salaries down, relatively down. They would just get like two stars. And Herschel Walker, who won the Heisman trophy at the University of Georgia, decided to come out early. This was like the big thing for the USFL.

He came out after his junior year. And the NFL wasn't taking guys in that position. They only took seniors. And he went to the USFL and said, would you take me if I come out? And the USFL kind of went back and forth and they signed him. And that was basically war with the NFL right there. Because they took the, Herschel Walker was like,

I don't even know who the biggest, who you could compare, Cam Newton maybe coming out. Yeah. A bigger, you know, like, he was Bo Jackson basically. And when he signed with the USFL, it was like, it was on. And then all of a sudden they started stealing more and more. Before the USFL signed three straight Heisman trophy winners. Which were?

Herschel Walker from Georgia, Mike Rozier from Nebraska, and Doug Flutie from Boston College. Wow. Steve Young went from BYU to USFL. Jim Kelly went from Miami to the USFL. Like Bobby Abert, Anthony Carter, Sam Mills, you know, like just on and on. More than 200 guys went up going from Reggie White.

Yep. Went going from the USFL to the NFL. So were all these guys going from college to the USFL just because they could get out early? Or was there anything else that was attractive? Money. They were offering, it was the first bidding war the NFL had in a long time.

Like Craig James was a star at SMU. Eric Dickerson and Craig James were the backfielder. He was a big deal. Pony Express. Thank you, Pony. So he took a pay cut to go to the USFL. No. Oh, haha, from SMU.

Yes, he did. Well played, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're right, he probably did. But he went, you know, and the Washington Federals of the USFL, it's actually funny. They offered him this huge contract. He accepted it.

They fly up him and his agent who actually was a booster at SMU. Fly up to Washington. I know. They fly up, this is fly up to Washington for the press conference. And right before the press conference, James' agent says, we're not signing unless we got,

I think it was 100,000 more. And it was right before the press conference with the DC press corps in the room. Holy shit. And they gave it to him. So they had to. They had no choice. You said earlier that the initial goal

was to keep salaries down, the USFL, but that didn't last, it sounds like. It lasted about eight seconds. Yeah, so this war goes on. And then, you know, obviously the NFL is trying to squash it when it can. And the name of the book is Football for a Buck. You want to kind of walk us through

how it got that name and why it met its end. So I got to say, I always say this is important. This is not a political statement. Stick to sports. Stick to sports. But you can't really tell the story without talking about Donald Trump. Wait, wait.

Did you talk to John Barron for this book? I did not talk to John Barron. He was unavailable. I won't play though, man. Donald Trump bought the generals, the New Jersey generals in 1984. And in the lead up to buying the team, he was all about the greatness of spring football.

Love this league. This is awesome. I can't wait to get it. He buys the generals and all of a sudden think football shouldn't be in the spring. God wouldn't have created baseball if he wanted football in the spring. There was a stupid line.

Right. That actually kind of makes sense. Well, I mean, baseball sits a long season. So, and he has a meeting with Pete Rosell that he calls for at the Pierre Hotel, not far from here actually. And he says to Pete Rosell, I don't care about the USFL.

This league means nothing to me. I want to get in the NFL. What do I have to do? And Pete Rosell says to him, as long as I'm in this league, as long as I'm the commissioner of the NFL, as long as my family is affiliated with the NFL, you have no place in this league.

And- He probably took that well. I don't think he took that very well. But no, he likes the NFL now, right? Yeah. He loves the NFL. He got over it. It's so funny.

I mean, it's so funny. But, you know, Trump convinces these guys, the money is in the fall, right? You want to make money? The money's in the fall. And I can get us a TV deal in the fall. I guarantee you, I've already talked to people. It's right there.

He starts getting John Barron, his fake publicist, which is him, truly him with a disguised voice. Not really disguised, though. No, it's like, this is John Barron. And John Barron would be like, do you want to speak to Mr. Trump? You know, like it's such preposterousness. And they, he starts pushing the idea.

We need to move to fall. And there's a great TV deal waiting for us in the fall. And then he's like, we need to sue the NFL. Because he was right. The NFL had a monopoly on TV. He convinced everyone to sue the NFL, sue the NFL. We're going to hire Roy Cohn as our attorney, who was famous for the McCarthy hearings.

And the NFL is going to settle immediately. So he hires Roy Cohn as our attorney, goes against the advice of everybody. The NFL doesn't settle. They go to a, you know, to, they sue him here in Manhattan. And the jury basically decides, Donald Trump is a star witness for the USFL in this trial. And he's terrible.

He's just arrogant and bombastic. I interviewed one wet, one juror who's like, he tried staring me down as he was giving, like testimony. He tried intimidating me. It was such a joke. That's that alpha shit. Yeah, yeah.

And he, he, they ended up, they won the USFL. And there's this moment. It's the greatest moment ever. They start reading the verdict. And the USFL is winning every count. One after the other, after the other, after the other. Pete Rossell was late to the trial. And he's in his car and he's listening to the NFL.

They were suing for $1.3 billion. So he's listening and he's just turning ash white. Quarterback for the Philadelphia Stars was actually in, his name was Chuck Fusina. He was in a class getting a master's degree. His teacher stops the class and says, Chuck, you're not going to believe it. The USFL just won this lawsuit.

He's like, holy crap, this is amazing. And then the jury says the magic words, you're a dollar. That's your victory. You win a dollar because they decided while the NFL did collude, the USFL, it was their fault. That they were the ones screwing it all up and they shouldn't have moved to fall to begin with. And they wouldn't be in this situation.

So you always hear that that was the death now for the USFL. But weren't they already, you know, somewhat solvent league on the way to making money? So why wouldn't they just go ahead and switch to the fall schedule? Well, they could, they didn't have a TV deal. They literally did not have a TV deal for the fall. They had an ABC ESPN deal in the spring, right?

Which was amazing for a new league. They were in televised on ABC and ESPN. But Donald Trump convinced them and the other ones believed we can move to fall and it'll be better. And they moved to fall and there was no TV deal there. And that was it. So the book goes through the entire league.

What type of football was it? Was it good football? Because I think that's the biggest question when it comes to like XFL and the Alliance League of, you know, gentlemen, whatever the hell it's called. Like, will it be good football? I don't know, the Alliance League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. Yeah, right, it's crazy.

But like, what was the football like? It was super mixed, right? Yet the Philadelphia Stars are the best team in the league, right? And they had like Sam Nelsen, middle linebacker, Calvin Bryant and half back. Jim Morrow was a coach. Oh, so how'd that work out?

Senior. Great, Jim Morrow is senior. For a second I was going to be like they couldn't have been that good for the rest of the team. Jim Morrow was a good pro coach. He was a good pro coach. He was okay. He was okay.

I think he's pretty good. Well, let me ask you this way. Could the Philadelphia Stars have beaten the Browns? Like these current Browns? Yeah, current Browns. Yes, these Philadelphia Stars back then would have been a seven to nine and a 14. The problem was then you had like, all right,

like the Washington Feds was a starting quarterback. Was this guy Joe Gilliam, who had been Terry Bradshaw's back up and he lived in a halfway house, a drug halfway house. Jesus. That would be dropped off after and before practices from the halfway house. You're good.

This is like ESPN's playmakers. Yes. Oh my God. The stories are in San Antonio. Give us a couple of great stories. Buy the book, but I'll give you a. I mean, there's no exaggeration here. San Antonio Gunslinger's had to put a guy in the disabled

list because he slammed his penis in a trunk. Yeah, it happens. It does. It doesn't happen to my family. How did that happen? It wasn't a car trunk. It was a trunk in the locker room, like an equipment trunk. Oh, a locket.

He was standing too close to it apparently. That's just locker room, like guys being guys stuff. It went wrong. Like, let me, hey, look. They put him out with a strained groin. Yeah. I got a dumb question. What, why do you have to set out a game

because your dick hurts? That's a fair. You don't run with your dick. You run with your balls. Yeah. What other stories? There's this guy, Greg Fields. This is the best story in the history of football.

He came out of Grambling. He was a rookie with the Baltimore Colts, free agent, 1979. 1980 goes to Atlanta Falcons. He's in training camp with the Falcons. They decided it's time to cut him. He refused to leave the team hotel. They're like, Greg, turn in your playbook. He won't leave.

You end up having to get an armed security guard to come and say, Greg, it's time to leave. Okay. He's, as he's done with the NFL, but the LA Express signed him. 1984, John Hadell as a coach. We're cutting Greg Fields. Guys are like, just be careful when you do not.

It's fine. He's got history. He's causing Greg Fields. Greg Fields, before he gets caught in, says to another guy, he goes, if they have caught me, there's going to be trouble. He's like, Greg, I'm sorry, blah, blah, blah. It doesn't even finish.

Pops him in the face, the head coach. They pull him out. Okay. Greg Fields starts calling in death threats against the coach and the offensive coordinator, a defensive coordinator. They hire Liberace's security guard away from Liberace to guard the Express.

And he brings in a team of like five guys and they start tracing Greg Fields' car. He's showing up a game standing there just staring like this at the coach. Oh my God. And this is the beauty of the USFL. So this is known throughout the league, but the San Antonio Gunslingers need defensive line help.

So, I mean, you know, what are you going to do? You need defensive line help. They call Greg Fields, when he shows up, they're all, all the coaches are just in pads as a joke. You know, if he punches last coach, but this is the best part. 1985, the owner of the Gunslinger stops paying his players. One day, Greg Fields puts a baseball bat

in the back of his car and follows the head coach home to his mansion. Guys, Clint Mangas, Clint Mangas gets out of the car and he sees Greg Fields get out of the car and he has a baseball bat. And Fields walks up to him and he says, I know where you live. I know you have money.

You better eff and pay me. And Clint Mangas says, wait right here. And he goes inside his house and he comes back with a paper bag filled with 10,000 in cash. Holy shit. And gives it to him. And the end of this, which is so beautiful, I could, I needed to find Greg Fields,

but nobody knew where he was. Everyone was like, he's crazy. Did you really want to talk to Greg Fields? Yeah. This is a big time journalist move. But it's also like the worst parenting move ever. So I live in Southern California. I had two addresses for Greg Fields that I found,

both in San Francisco. My nine-year-old son Emmett was off from school. I was like, am I going to road trip? He's really bad parenting. Yeah, yeah, really bad. I thought you were saying bad parenting just because you put yourself in there. No, no, no.

Now you're putting your kid in there. I think it's a great parenting move because I think he's much less likely to do something stupid if your kid's there. Yeah. It's interesting. You just kidnap him and give me $10,000 like that coach back in the day.

So your two addresses are Pelican Bay and Alcatraz. Yeah, one was right near our mental ward. So we drove up to San Francisco. I had two addresses. The first one we walked to, it was an abandoned house in a really bad area. That was with my son. He wasn't there.

Then I left with my son with friends. The other was in the projects. I went there at night and knocked on the door and a woman answers and it's Greg Fields' sister. And she's like, I don't really talk to my brother anymore, if you give me your number out, blah, blah, blah. 20 minutes later, I'm driving home and Greg Fields calls me.

And the next day, me, my nine-year-old son, wearing a Walter Paton jersey, and Greg Fields are in a Sacramento shopping mall food court eating cold stone creamery and talking about the USFF. And what was he like? He was just talking about all the memories and everything? Yes, he was a little punch drunk.

Yeah. Like a little football judge, he's 61 probably. Right. But great. Right. He didn't eat the up or kill my child. That's unreal. That's a great move to take him to eat ice cream.

Like nobody can get pissed off if they're didn't get pissed off. I was fitting Cherry Jubilee all over me. I'm not exaggerating, all over me. So writing a book, is it as hard as it looks? It's pretty hard. What's the hardest part? Like you just said, you just talked about going and finding Greg Fields.

Like how do you, how does the process even, I would just sit there and procrastinate and be like, I'm never going to write this book. Like how do you even get a call? Because I got to eat, you know, you got to eat. It's a, I mean, the first thing I did with this book is I go on eBand and order every USFL media guide. So you have them all, you probably cost me

whatever 200 bucks and you have all these media guides. And then you go about one by one by one finding everybody. I literally make a word file. How many interviews did you do? 430. That's way too many people to talk to. That's a lot of people.

I know, but this was really a joy for me. Did you ever get sick of just talking to people? I get sick, I got sick of the USFL a little bit. Like I'll tell you what, I did a book about Roger Clemens. And if I never had to talk about Roger Clemens again or think about him again, I would've been a happy guy. That was a hard one. Is it actually his wife that was doing the steroids, right?

Yeah. Oh, I don't know. Yeah, it wasn't him. I can't, it might be. I know what you're talking about. Yeah, so I assume this is your favorite book that you've written. Yeah, it is.

What's second favorite? Probably the Walter Payton book, Sweetness. Yeah, which you got some criticism for. How do you deal with the criticism when you're writing a book about someone that, you know, we were talking beforehand, you can say things about the Cowboys, you can say things about Roger Clemens.

Walter Payton is a beloved guy almost universally. So what was the, you know, the backlash like when that happened? It was crushing, yeah. Truly crushing, the most hurtful part of my career because, so Sports Illustrated ran an excerpt from the book two weeks before it came out. So all anyone saw, all anyone knew about this book

was it talked, for all they knew was about, because it was the end of his life. And it was about sort of suicidal tendencies and painkillers and infidelity. And Sports Illustrated picked that as an excerpt and I was fine with it. But I wasn't really thinking, it's in a vacuum for two weeks. So Mike Dickas says, oh, spit on you.

And Michael Wheelbond rips you without having read the book. And people start, there was a book burning by a Chicago radio station in the book. That stuff stings, man. I know it stings, but that's also pretty good publicity. I know. But at the time, it's just hurtful

because I freaking loved Walter Payne and I lived that book. And it was painful. So lesson learned from that, which blurbs are you excerpting for this book? So there've been, that's interesting. People want Donald Trump related ones. Oh, really? Why? It might be something going on there.

So I, and I get worried about that because you don't want people to think this is a Trump book. Right, yeah. And I feel like there's such Trump overkill right now, obviously, whether you like him or hate him, I don't think anyone needs to hear anymore about Donald Trump. Right.

That it's, I keep saying, no, is someone slam their dick in a trunk? Like, right? That's a good answer. Yeah, that's absolutely, you lead with that. Yeah, I do. I swear to God, I really do. For sure.

Absolutely. So yeah, you also, you did a book about Brett Farve too, right? I did. He never slams his dick in a trunk because he's never reached. I mean, it's possible. No, not for him.

Oh, you've seen the pictures. We've all seen the pictures. Yeah, we've seen the pictures. I remember reading your interview with John Rocker in Sports Illustrated when it came out. You know what year that was? It was like, 96, 99. 99.

It's crazy. I remember reading it and thinking, does this guy know that he's on the record? Like, did John Rocker know what an interview was at that point when he was saying that stuff to you? I mean, I had a tape recorder out. I had a notepad out. Yeah.

He told me things off the, the crazy thing is this. I feel comfortable. I will give you guys a big scoop. Watch John Rocker told me off the record. Yeah. Okay. So obviously on the record, he told me all about foreigners

and seven training and all that stuff. It's only off the record that he just didn't think Bobby Valentine was a very good manager. Off the record. Off the record. That's hilarious. But he has no problem calling, calling Pendleton a racial sport.

Yeah. Just disparaging a bunch of different races, but then off the record it's like, hey, listen, I don't really, I don't really trust Bobby Valentine. But the thing is, you know what's interesting is that really did me a favor. Because by saying this is off the record, it, it, it implied that everything else is off the record.

Yeah. That's actually very smart. You did write the book about that, you know, the mid nineties cowboys, which are endlessly fascinating to me. The Michael Irvin scissor story, that's real, right? Yeah, 100%. Stabbed his buddy.

Everett McIver. It wasn't his buddy or as a teammate. So, so you want to tell that story just because I'm sure I'll screw it up. Yeah. So Michael Irvin did not like that book, by the way, but he's never accused any of it of being an actor. He just did not like the book. Yeah, I don't think you can't know.

I think he just howls at things like he does on NFL network. Yeah. Yeah. That was pretty good. It was a fight over a barber chair at the cow, whoever cut the hair for the cowboy players. And Everett McIver was a lineman.

He later played for the Jets who sat in the chair and Michael Irvin was like, get out of my chair. I'm first. And McIver was like, F you, I'm getting my haircut. Michael Irvin's like, get out of my chair. And this is where Michael Irvin was kind of out of his head. And he grabbed the barber scissors and stabbed them in the neck with the barber scissors.

And Everett McIver was severely hurt. And the cowboys did everything they could to cover that thing up. Yeah. I was going to say, why did you not go to jail for that? You know what happened with that story is, I won't say who, but one of the players told me, he's like off the record.

This is early on, he's like, or it wasn't even off the record. It was like, anonymously, I would tell you, you need to look into a barber scissors incident involving Michael Irvin and Everett McIver. And it'll blow your mind. So you were the one who broke that. Yeah.

That's unbelievable. I heard a rumor about that team. So they used to do training camp up in Austin at St. Edward's University in the summer. And I heard that that part of town basically had nothing in it, nothing nearby or not a lot. And just through the infusion of cash that would come in

over these like two months in the summer, the strip club that's right there on South Congress, I'm trying to remember the name of it, basically got built up from the ground up just by Dion Sanders, Michael Irvin, and that whole crew going in there all the time. That I don't know. I can tell you that they had a lot of their position meetings

at strip clubs, at the Men's Club of Dallas, was a hot. And they won all those, I mean, that's the best part. None of these stories mean anything if they don't win Super Bowls because like you can. Nobody wants to read about the 92 Atlanta Falcons. Right, right. Or the team that has strip clubs, meetings in their strip clubs and they lose all their games.

We remember the White House, the White House, which was there. Yeah. Yes, they had a house that basically their whole party. Yeah, but the best court ever was actually Nate Newton. I don't remember it exactly, but it was something like, I don't get it. We just, we rent a house to bring in some whores

and everybody gets mad at us. It was something like that was the best court ever. I'm not doing Nate Newton justice, but it was a great. The police get mad at you for having whore farms these days. It was called expose. That's a hot tip. If you want to look into that for your next, your next book expose gentleman's club founded

essentially by Emmett Smith, Michael Irvin, Deon Sater. So when you write a book, do you just spend the next six months just flinching, being like, all right, who's going to text me out of the blue and say their piss like, did Michael Irvin reach out to you? He slammed me on his radio show and I was on ESPN with Emmett Smith. He did one of these with me.

He, we were on a show together and at the end he just goes, it's like, I think it was Bob Lee was hosting. He goes, Emmett Smith, Jeff Perlman. Thank you for joining us. And Emmett Smith goes, keep selling those books, Jeff. Oh, nice little like threatened. You worry about it. You don't love it, but it comes with the,

it comes with the job. So with that said, is the goal of this book to get a tweet from Donald Trump? Yes. That would be, that would be the penable for you. We can make it happen. He's be like, Jeff Perlman's a liar.

Love it. Would sell so many books. I would take a million of his trolls attacking him for a Donald Trump tweet. Yes. That was, that would be it right there. That's actually kind of funny thing about like, you wrote this book to just try to get President Trump

to go after you. I see Bob Woodward getting slammed by Trump. And I, number one, Bob Woodward's great. And number two, I have envy. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely. All right.

So we're talking to Jeff Perlman, football for a buck, the crazy rise and crazier demise of the USFL. Go buy it on Amazon. I have one final question for you. We'll do the C-keek question, put in promo code take, you get $10 off a C-keek purchase if you want to go to a football game this fall.

Promo code take. So you've written a bunch of books about a bunch of interesting sports figures. Brett Farr of the Showtime Lakers, the Cowboys, you know, Walter Payton, Roger Clemens. What is the one guy that you would, you think would be like the most fun to party with out of all of those?

Because you, you, you get drawn, oh, the 86 Mets, I didn't even mention that. You get drawn obviously to these, these figures that are great at sports and also live this crazy life off the field. So what's that? Well, who's the one guy? There's a guy in the Euston Gamblers.

He was a wide receiver and his name was Richard Johnson. He's awesome. And he ended up playing in the NFL. And before every game, he would smoke a joint. Like before every game. And they had a teammate named Vince Corville who was not a pot smoker at all. And he wasn't that good.

And one game he's like, I'm gonna smoke pot too. Because Richard Johnson's smoke, and it works for him. Got a hundred catches, Vince Corville had four. He smokes a joint right before the game. And he's out there on the field. And he's looking at his hands.

He's like, why are my hands so big? And what's going on with the football? And he's just described, like the way he described Richard Johnson, like getting wasted before games, Jim Kelly, like the Euston Gamblers had this house where the opposing cheerleaders, opposing cheerleaders used to travel for games.

And all the opposing cheerleaders would come to Jim Kelly's house to hang out with the receivers and Jim Kelly. It would just be, or the 86, the 86 Mets. I mean, they were drinking kegs after every game. And hanging out at Fimmichore. This is a lot of, I mean, you could do worse than hang out with the Dallas Cowboys.

Yeah, no, I know. It's just a coin flip, you know? That's part of the early days, that's crazy. Did anybody on that Cowboys team party harder than Barry Switzer? So funny. He seems like he was a guy that kind of led a lot of it. I love Barry Switzer.

Not a good NFL coach, but like joy of a human being. I heard that he was a blackout drunk the night before the Super Bowl. So I don't think that's true. It could be true. I don't think it's true. I cannot confirm or deny that. That's first reported by me.

Yeah, right now. Jeff Perlman, thank you so much. It was a lot of fun. Everyone go buy a book. Make sure you buy a book. What's the next book? I don't know. I really want to write a Tupac biography.

Ooh, get out of the sports world. He's still alive, so you can go talk to him in the Virgin Islands. Are you pissed that Armand Cataean wrote the Tiger Woods book? Cause that was a great story. Golf is my thing. Okay, but like, infidelity and like being a crazy part

of it is your thing. Yeah. All right. Thanks, Jeff. Okay, that interview was brought to you by the Big Ten Network, the 2018 fall football, Big Ten Tailgate is back. We're going to do a Larry's Pick while we do this.

Yeah. So everyone needs to check out. You know I love, wait, so what are the games? The games, this is going to be the New England Patriots and the Detroit Lions. Okay. So I'll be the Lions over here. And I'll be the Patriots over here.

Okay, so check it out. The two hour show beginning at 10 a.m. Eastern every Saturday. You guys all know I am a big, big 10 guy. Listen, we had a little bit of a tough weekend last weekend. Okay, things didn't go our way, but that's why we are the Big Ten. We always bounce back. We always make sure that we are heard from.

The Big Ten Tailgate is the best way to start your Saturday morning. Big Ten Tailgate covers all the Big Ten teams and matchups like no other sports network can. Big Ten Tailgate returns for its third season this Saturday from Iowa City when Iowa hosts Wisconsin. Got to get back on the winning side of things. Iowa has lost Patriots.

He took the Patriots. Iowa has lost three straight home games versus Wisconsin with the last win coming in 2008. I actually was at that game, I think. That's that's appropriate to nothing. So watch the Big Ten. Did you say appropriate to nothing? Appropriate to nothing.

Watch Big Ten Tailgate live from Iowa City this Saturday at 10 a.m. Eastern only on Big Ten Network. Iowa City is one of my favorite Big Ten cities. It is my second favorite behind Madison. So check it out. The Big Ten Tailgate live from Iowa City this Saturday at 10 a.m. Eastern only on Big Ten Network where Big Ten fans start their Saturday.

PFT, you have an ad as well. I do, yes. We have a game. What's the game? So the last game, this is the Monday nighter. Okay. This is between the Pittsburgh Steelers and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

The Fitzmagic. So I will be the Steelers over here. Okay, and I'll be Fitzmagic and the Bucks over. Okay, so you've heard by now. We're fantasy guys. And thanks to FanDuel bringing us so many more ways to win, we've got a great opportunity for you guys. He's just sitting over on the corner.

Big Guy and I have something special for all the award winning listeners on FanDuel this season. We're going to be running a season long 16 week contest with you guys. You're going to be able to enter every week and Dan and I will be playing against award winning listeners. I love when you call me by my real name.

There is a, I usually call you darling. Yeah. There is a season long, yeah, that was hot, right? That was hot. By the way, I've gotten so many replies. Larry's just being like darling gets me on. Larry has just been chilling on the Steelers side. I'm waiting for him to start.

There's a season long leaderboard and winner at the end of the season. And the winner will win a trip to the Barstool Sports starting right now. In Atlanta. You're going to win a trip to our party in Atlanta for the Super Bowl. Not only that, but places two through 50.

He's got the Bucks. I've called it. We'll win. Okay, Larry takes the Buccaneers. So just to recap real quick. To recap, Larry likes the Buccaneers. He likes the Chargers. He likes the Seahawks.

And he likes the Patriots. And he likes the Patriots. And you'll have to watch Barstool Sports Advisors for his fifth and final pick, 10 a.m. That's Saturday, Sunday morning. It's a little treat for you guys. So back to Fandall. This awesome season long, excuse me,

contest that we're doing. You guys can get signed up. Hank just scared me. Just scared the hiccups right out of me. Not only that, but places two through 50 will win an autographed PMT car stick. And we're gonna be giving out cool weekly prizes too. Week three, what are we giving away week three?

Something from our pile. Something from the pile. And there have been discussions about sleeping in my bed that were not run by me. Super Bowl happening. It's one of those things where enough people have said it that I think it's true now. So you're gonna get to sleep in my bed.

I might not be in it. Or I might be at the whole night. I don't know. Just sign up at Fandall.com slash PMT to play with us. Since we know how much everyone loves hearing about our fantasy teams, here's a quick recap of last week. Despite getting my score doubled by Daniel in week one,

I actually beat Dan in week two. 132 to 126 in your face. Little smack talk between your two. That's what we call, hey, hey, don't catch me on the message boards. Dude, I'm gonna smack talk the shit out of you. Oh, don't swear in this. I'm gonna smack talk you so hard.

I'm gonna send you all the way back to your mama crying. Both of us ended up, yeah, you can't come back. Cat got your tongue? No. Yeah, yeah. Your mama's so short. She uses a Dorito for a hand glider. Oh, okay.

That's pretty good. Roasted. Your mama wears an afro with a chin strap on it. Dude, that's really fucked up. Both of us ended up about 30 points away from winning money, but it's all good because it's a season long leaderboard that only counts your best eight weeks. It's pretty awesome.

You can still join today and have a clean shot at winning at the end of the season. And if you don't give Fanduola shot, then you're pretty much saying you don't want to hang out with me at the Super Bowl. Plus new users get a $20 bonus when they make their first deposit on Fanduola. Come play with us at Fanduola.com slash PMT.

Join our contest, please, please, please do it at Fanduola.com slash PMT and talk some smack to the smack talk kings of fancy football. And now, Ryan Whitney, the Muppet. Okay, we welcome on our good friend Ryan Whitney. It's been quite some time. So we thought we'd touch base with you. Hockey is sort of back.

Spit and Chiklitz is definitely back. You guys are back to two times a week off seasons over. Let's, we're not going to talk a ton of hockey. We want to talk about a bunch of other stuff, but we do want to know what pre-season hockey is like. Cause we know what NFL pre-season is like. We know what spring training is like. We know what NBA pre-season is like.

What the hell goes on with pre-season for hockey? Do you guys even like try? It's funny. I mean, guys definitely try. I think the guys who are trying to make the team, there's always, you know, a few guys on every club that are battling for kind of the last few roster spots. They're going, I mean, it's the biggest games of their lives,

but for the stars and, you know, the guys who know where they fit in on the team, it's kind of just, you know, the old saying, getting reps guys, you know, you got to get your reps, got to get your reps. Yeah. Same thing in hockey. You know, you get out there, you feel the puck,

you feel the puck, you get your legs underneath here. Couple of times your wind isn't great. Beginning of the season, but you know, four or five pre-season games, or maybe three or four, hopefully, if you don't get screwed, get playing in like six or seven of them, you'll feel good and you'll be ready to go for the year. So it's just a little warm up and just stay healthy.

I mean, that's the only scary thing. But if you're thinking about that, you probably get injured. So guys try not to. Yeah. Do you even try to play through injuries in the pre-season or no? No.

Oh, no, are you kidding me? If my, if my, if my groin was at all, a little sore is I can't go tonight. Can't do this tonight. Can't be risking it for a game. Doesn't matter. Yeah. I'm not hockey tough, if you ask me.

I saw like half the, Don't talk to smart, big hat. Talk to smart, that's not an actual saying. That's definitely not a saying. I saw like half of the capitals starting line up at the, at the Redskins game last weekend, just like during their pre-season game, not even show up to the arena.

Is that kind of how it is? Like if you're submitted, like, if you know what line you're going to be on, you don't even have to show up for the pre-season. So really funny story. I'll tell you quickly. When I was in Pittsburgh, my buddies came during training camp.

They came for a weekend and we went to the Steelers game on Sunday. It was about 95 degrees. We'd all gone out the night before and I had to go to the medical tent. I, I pretty much just like collapsed. I couldn't breathe. I was basically having heat exhaustion

after a monster hangover too. So I was stuck in the medical tent with cold towels on my foot at the middle train camp at the Steelers game. Obviously I had them that game though and they covered thank you. Yup. But other than that, other than that, stars know what they,

you know, know what they're going to be, but like George virus in Toronto, he still wants to have a good, good pre-season because it's hard to kind of turn on the switch and have a really good regular season if you dogged it and worked sharp in the pre-season game. Okay. Well, actually that's a,

you bring up a good point. Like if you're, let's say you're a star, but you just got acquired by the team in the off season. Is that guy going to be playing, you know, a little bit more in the pre-season? Is he going to be out there a little bit more often or how does that work? Not necessarily he'll be out there more often.

He still might play the normal amount of games. I think for him, or the normal amount of pre-season games he used to play on his own team, but for him, I think those guys really want to play well because even though it's regular season, it's the first time these fans have seen you play in their sweater and I noticed how you sweater,

it's not jersey, it's sweater. So it's exciting. It's exciting for guys on new teams training camp because it's just a new beginning and it really leads up to October or whatever, six, seven, or eight. I don't know why I asked you a question about what it's like to be a star in the age of those.

That's a bad journalism on my part. You can't speak to it. So you're off season. I'm sorry for one year. I'm sorry for one year, you dummy. Yeah, you were. So you're off season never ends. You were a retired athlete.

I actually noticed I was doing some research for catching up with you. I noticed that you were chirping Mike Greenberg on one of your tweets. So you are the other person who watches that show with PFT. You're the two people who watch that show. What were you saying about him? PFT works get up?

Yeah, of course I watch get up. What were you saying about him? He made the most ridiculous point ever of saying when Serena Williams was open that it was the darkest day or the worst day in tennis history. My 40 years of covering tennis as a short man that I have.

And I said, Monica Salas got stabbed in the back by a fan dude trying to compare that to Serena Williams. Fair point. Yeah, fair point. But I mean, Serena's. Classic Greenberg. Classic Greenberg trying to make it dramatic when it really wasn't.

Well, I was buying it until you totally just shattered my illusion right there. So I'm a little upset about that. I do think that Greeny takes his US Open seriously. I don't think he's actually a tennis fan. He just likes the US Open. Oh, he's a tennis fan. I think if you're just like.

Are you kidding me? If you're raising the Northeast, you just look at the US Open and it's like, oh, it's a spectacle. He loves tennis. He doesn't give a shit about Australian Open. You don't think Greeny throws like the headband on and gets out and plays tennis?

Oh, for sure. I think he's a tennis player. He gets the whites going. He has the white shorts that you can kind of see his dick if he sweats a little bit. Like he for sure does that. His wife makes him wear six pairs of underwear so that nobody can see his dick.

Greeny's the type of guy who's like, I don't play on hardtop anymore. I only play on clay. I like to spin. I got a great spin on my balls. That's why he decided to come to New York for like six million a year. Just so he could build his own clay court at his place

in Connecticut. Yes, exactly. First it was build that set, that ridiculously expensive set. Next thing he's going to build a Wimbledon replica in his backyard. Yes. Okay, careful.

That's enough Greeny back. Hey, Whit, I heard a rumor that you were homeless at one point. You want to tell us what that's all about? I saw the tweet. I just didn't click play. No, I wasn't homeless. I kicked out of my billet family's house.

I told the story on Spittin' Chickens when we interviewed Jack Eichel and Noel. I had been two stars in the NHL a lot of times. But we interviewed them and we, those guys played at the National Development Program for USA Hockey that I played at high school. Select few get invited out to Ann Arbor. It's an amazing, amazing place to play.

And my billet family kicked me out. I lied to them about a car that I crashed, but it was my car. I mean, it was their car. But I lied about how I crashed it. And then I said that I actually didn't do this book report. And I told the mom, please go rent this movie for me. The teacher told me that it'll help me understand the book.

I don't get the book. I read it. I don't get it. And then she called my teacher. I was 18 years old. She called my teacher. She said, did you tell him to get the movie because he doesn't get the book?

She goes, no. So they packed up all my stuff and they put it down at the rink where I played at We Were on the Road in Green Bay for Thanksgiving. Horrible Thanksgiving. And after that, they brought all my stuff and the coach brought me in and said,

hey, you've been kicked out of your bill house. And so I actually had to sleep in my car one night outside high school and then ended up moving in with the assistant coach for a couple of nights. And they found me in another billed family. Amazing people in an arbor that took me in after these scumbags put me on the street. And they packed up my toothpaste in the same box

that they packed up my sweaters. They just threw it all in. It was a joke. But you, so Ryan Whitney, not someone who is big on reading, how did you crash your car though? Well, I was backing out of my buddy's driveway or his billed family's driveway.

And I buried the explorer right into the basketball hoop and I was so embarrassed and I figured my father would flip out. So I told him, oh, dad, I got something. I came out of the movie theater and someone had buried my car. No note was left. And he knew I was lying.

And he goes, okay, well, I'm sure there's cameras in the parking lot. So once you tell me the name of the theater and I'll call over there. And I said, oh, fuck, I hung up. I said, he knows that I had to call back and say I was lying. So you always hated basketball. Oh, I've always hated basketball.

That's why. This is like a psychiatrist session. I have a basketball hoop in my, we just went into a new house there, a basketball hoop in the drive where I'm so disgusted that both those are coming and then I'm supposed to knock that thing down before hockey season starts.

Or just use this target practice. Just get a paintball gun, just shoot it every day. Yeah. What was the name of the movie? What was the name of the book that you didn't read? Fahrenheit 451. Okay. Oh, isn't that just the-

That's Michael Moore. He just burns, right? Yeah, the premise was Bush did it. Yeah. So just saved you- I don't even know if it was a movie for Friday's sake. No, I don't think it was a movie. Loose change.

Then I have it wrong. It was the one with the movie, too. Yeah. So it is football season. You're a football fan. Have you been, how have you been doing gambling? Cause we need a lock from you cause it's football Friday. Week one, I was trying to tell myself

to kind of stay away at the beginning of the season so hard, but week one, I obviously bet five games, but I went three and two or whatever. It's not great, but it wasn't a loss, which is kind of a win early in football season. Or I guess all of football season. Yup. But then last year I got crushed.

I got absolutely crushed. And then Sunday night, I liked Dallas. I was thinking, Dallas, this, this giant seems to jump. They can't block. They got this star receiver, but they got no quarterback to throw him the ball. Six signing, dude. Pay a guy 60 million, he can't even get the ball.

And he got a running back. He doesn't have five guys who can block for him. So what's he gonna do? And I wanted Dallas and my buddy was over this idiot. And he's like, no, you're a good giant. Getting some points, getting some points. Obviously lost that game and then just got crushed. So it's been, it hasn't been good.

Week two really dominate me. So I'm seven and one. You probably knew that already. Are you? But I'm starting to do the thing where, in weeks one and two, I find I typically do pretty okay in those weeks, but then once the really shitty teams start to emerge,

I start to bet on those really shitty teams like a little bit too early. Like I'm seeing, I think, who are the Vikings playing the Bills? The Bills are getting 16 and a half. And the Bills are so bad that I want to start betting on those awful teams. But it usually bites me in the ass here.

Is it time to start putting money on the Cardinals and the Bills? I don't know about that. I can't put anything on them till they show something. Like there's no ability. If you bet Buffalo this week, I was saying, I'm not gonna touch the game. But if you take Buffalo this week at 17,

I'm sorry, if you take a Mini, it's minus 17. And then they are, and then like, you know, they don't win. You can't guess that. But if they were to pound Buffalo and you had Buffalo, you'd be like, I'm so stupid. Like how did I not see that coming? Like they got pounded the two weeks prior.

I like, I really like Miami this week at home again. It's only minus three. And Miami's actually sneaky, like not that bad. I don't think. Are they frisky? So they play the Patriots. Here's a little fun stuff for you. Ryan Tannehill's eight and one in his last nine games.

Little not talked about. But that dates back to like 2012. Not talked about. Not talked about. Only problem with that bet is you're now saying that Oakland is going to go 0 and three. Yeah, I am. That's a death.

Not good. Yeah. But desperate teams. I don't know. There's always that. There's you, you know, you were on. No, you weren't on a Stanley Cup champion team. You were.

No, you were. You were on a Stanley Cup champion team. You got no, I got Stanley Cup losing. And I, and I was traded from the team that won it. Okay. But I think you slide that in there every episode. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I want you to follow me here.

Follow me here. You were on a Stanley Cup team. You were on a team that eventually won the Stanley Cup at one point. Did you not have, is there not a real thing where, you know, you, you win a few games, then you maybe take, take the foot off the gas a little bit because you're feeling good. I don't think so. Not early in the year.

I mean, if you start the year saying hockey, two and one football, say hockey and all that, that's eight and one or nine and all. And I don't really know how to compare, but good teams are going to want to keep it rolling. Minnesota is really good. We'll talk about kick and buffalo. And then with Oakland, right? They're so bad.

And then I feel like they traded, all right. Gruden comes in and they trade Khalil Mack. Obviously guys are probably furious about that. They look at this guy. Look how he's playing. He's unbelievable. He's an average, he's an average. You know, guys probably can't even stand Gruden right away.

It's such a shit show there. And Miami's pretty good. So I'm thinking, even though they're desperate to win, there's probably guys that aren't on the same page. It's the Raiders. Look, it's, they've been a gong show forever. It's true. It's true.

They had that one year where everyone was Derecar this, Derecar that, but other than that, gong show. They definitely rated, I think. Yeah, although. Like mascara. Although he did go like 21 of 22 to start the game against the Broncos. Fair enough.

Fair enough. Yeah. Yeah. No, but I agree with you. I agree with you. So you're taking your dolphins or your lock? Dolphins are my pick this week. Yeah.

Looking at it over dolphins are my pick. I also think the Pats roll over Patricia that. I mean, big cat, you have sources. They like hate Patricia, huh? What's going on there? I started that rumor. Did you really? Yeah, I did.

I started the rumor that they quit on the team, but I'm cool with going with it. Yeah. Yeah. They quit on the team. That's, that's my, they're my sources. You're telling me everywhere I've heard that Patricia's lost that lock and was all started by you?

Probably. Yeah, probably. I just, that loss to the Jets, that felt like a team that, that quit on their coach. Well, whenever you have a guy that's, he's supposed to come in and do one thing. They have a good offensive coordinator already and he's supposed to be the defensive guy.

I don't know if he's that good. They're giving up a shitload of points to everyone. So yeah, I think that he's probably lost confidence. Speaking of quitting on teams, would a hockey guy ever walk out and retire at halftime? Hmm. No, I actually thought that was the most, I thought that was the most embarrassing move.

And especially a guy who, I think, go to 20 play, nine, 10 years. 10 years, yep. Dude, 10 years you've been going to battle with your teammates and you can't, dude, say he was like, I'm not playing in the second half, at least go sit on the bench. When I retired, I was in Sweden.

I couldn't skate. I was minus three in the first period. I retired after the first period. No joke, I went through coach's office. I said, I can't do this anymore. I was falling over. But I sat on the bench and cheered the guys on for the second and third period.

Wait, so. Quit and walk out. So you literally did do exactly what he did. You just, you just stuck around for a little bit. Didn't he not even come back out for the second half? Yeah, he left. He drove home, but that was just because, you know, he was trying to make it easier on everybody else

to leave the stadium on time later. So he was being considerate. You were taking up a spot. No, that guy was being, you can't quit on your team. If you want to quit after the game, fine. You got to finish the game. You got to at least be standing on the sidelines, rooting the guys on that you're trying to help or hope to win.

You were just in training camp with these guys. He didn't give a shit. It was a selfish movement and a weird way to, I mean, everyone's going to remember how that guy retired instead of his career. It's just, I didn't agree with it. Wait, so, all right. So I didn't know this, that you retired though

in the middle of a game. So did you, how did that happen? Did you, were you feeling good up until that point? And then one game you're like, oh, fuck, I suck. I was, I was feeling all right. I had these, my ankle was so messed up and I was actually feeling okay. I had been trying these new skates

and they've been, you know, feeling better. They were kind of newly made, the same skates I've been wearing. But either way, I, after the first four exhibition games, I was okay. You play like eight and sweet, it's brutal. And then the last four, I started feeling like real bad. My ankle's feeling even more weak than usual.

And that first, we actually, we had the first game of the year and I played awful and I was really struggling skating. And I kind of had in the back of my mind, I don't know if I can do this. And then the next game, first period, I fell over twice, I threw one right in front of my own neck cause I was so scared to try to skate that my ankle was so weak.

Guy scored, it was a disastrous first period. And I went in and I said, I can't, I can't play anymore coach, I appreciate it. I just, you can't put me out there. I'm a complete liability. I'm done, like the games, the games pass me by and this is it. So I'm going to sit on the bench and root everyone on.

I'm not going to get in the shower and drive home, fucking in my Buffalo apartment and sit there and hear about everyone dripping on me, but quitting in the middle of a game. That's, I mean, it's fair. You're a team player through and through. Yeah, I'm a hot, I played hockey. That's true.

You did play hockey. You did play hockey. Did you ever have any teammates that just went MIA that just didn't show up for practice on Monday? Yeah, Zygman Palfi. Actually incredible player. You look up at his stats. Of course, yeah.

Stain career, some of the best hand I've ever seen. I've played with him in Pittsburgh and it was my rookie year, same rookie, you know, Sidney Crosby, I don't know if you've heard of him, his rookie year as well. He was playing in Nashville and he was right around to take 40 points of 40 games out of here and Palfi playing great.

And Darcy Hortetuck, this guy, a really tough player. He ran him over, enormous hit. And Ziggie left the game and then the next morning I came into the locker room and flew home. I was in Nashville, home next. I saw Mark Recky and he's like, you hear about Ziggie? Like, no, he's like, he retired.

And I never saw him again. He left, he went home and he never played again. He had, they get two more years making around five million too. True. Yeah, I'm looking up his stats right now. He did, yeah, he was a good player. And he had a great moment.

Really, really good player. Great moment. And he just had enough. Yeah. All right, last question. Everyone tune in to Spitting Chiklitz. You can listen to Ryan Whitney twice a week. He's with Rear Admiral and Biz Nasty who,

I mean, he's a handful. We can all agree, right? Like the fact that you have to deal with that guy every week. I'm sorry for you. Yeah. I mean, he would probably say the same about me, but yeah, there's had a million thoughts and a million different ways to say those thoughts

and they're changing every day. All right, so last question. We have to, we have to rope in the other situate guy. Any update from the spit or the homeland now that you also are a famous podcaster with the other situate legend, Henry Lockwood? Yeah, I'm situate the home of me and Henry Lockwood. I didn't get over to the spit this summer.

I was really scared when I first heard about Florence, right? Because I didn't know, well, that ended up making it to Massachusetts. And, you know, I mean, luckily, awful for the people who were screwed over and in trouble from it, but you always worry about our town on the coast getting screwed over and crushed by our arcades.

That's really still okay. Hank and I will always be known there, but I will tell you one thing. Ryan Donato, who's on the Bruins now when he played at Harvard, he's from situate mass as well. Great player, great young guy. But when he went to the Olympics this year,

there was a big sign when he drove into the town. A welcome to situator, I don't know where it was, and it said, welcome to situate home of a 2018 US Olympian hockey player, Ryan Donato. I never got one of those. Well, you never, oh no, you did. You sat on the bench for 2010, right? I played in the Olympics.

First game, I was top 40. I had a bad game, and then I sat on the bench. So I was a big part of the first game against Switzerland. And so I'll have you know that. And I didn't get a banner in my hometown for the Olympics. And Hank doesn't have a banner for being a record breaking podcast producer with you clowns. So it's kind of bullshit

that Donato really screwed us over in terms of people kind of wanting to know what's going on in our lives. Well, I know the DPW form in Franny Lytton, so I might have to hit him up, see if we can get that changed. Yeah, if we were to make a Mount Rushmore of situatons, how do you say that? Situates?

Situations? Shitheads. Yeah. If you were to make a Mount Rushmore of people from situate, who else is on there? Who's the fourth? Jim Longboard. Mount Rushmore of me, Ryan Donato, Hank, and man, Hank,

I bring him up a lot, Billy Tivets. Jim, that's true. I don't know that guy is, I love him. Yeah. It's a real guy from the Billy Tivets. Hey, Ryan, are you worried about this? I was gonna say Jim Longboard, but I forgot about Billy. Yeah, he was my dentist, too.

Oh, wow. Okay, legend. Legend, yeah. All right, Ryan Whitney, thank you very much. Take the Dolphins on, he's been hot. Week one, he was hot. We'll just count week one. He's three and two.

Three and two, week one. He's on fire. All right, thanks so much, man. Yeah, I think I'm like three and eight overall. Thanks, guys, really appreciate you bringing up the lack of the Stanley Cups to talk to you later. Fuck you. See you, man.

Thanks, bro. Ryan the Muppet Whitney was brought to you guys by Motten Bow. He's a Muppet, it's Motten Bow, but he's a Muppet, so does that mean, do we know his sexuality as a Muppet? Talked about that earlier this week. Does he have sexuality? He's whatever he wants to be.

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at the end of the show that some of you mixed tape listeners out there probably know very well. But first up, we have a new segment. It's called Just Stop Talking, John Gruden. So, John Gruden continues to speak. And every time he speaks, he talks about how his team needs a pass rusher. After trading the best one in the league,

Gruden said, it's hard to find a great pass rusher. And that was the whole quote. So yeah, he really needs to stop talking. It's very tough to find one. Yes. We talked about the hindsight 50-50 on Wednesday's show. Now he continues to bring up the need for a pass rusher. John Gruden just stopped talking.

I think this might be intentional. You think? I'm trying to turn the corner on it where he's like, either he's one, making fun of himself, or two, he had like a feud with Al Davis and whispered in his ear on Al's deathbed like, listen to me, son of a bitch, I'm going to come back and I'm going to wreck your French.

I'll haunt you from the grave. There's nothing that you can do about it. And so just like he made that premonition to Al, and with Al is like dying, dying breath, that's the last thing that he heard. So I think he might be sabotaging the radars. Here's this number one. Here's another theory.

He knows his team sucks, so he knows that if he just says dumb shit, no one will talk about his team sucking. Yeah, or he might just already be trying to get fired because he's got a shitload of guaranteed money. I was thinking about that the other day, and this is kind of a pathetic thing to admit. But I was thinking about John Gruden getting fired year one

in a 10-year, $100 million contract. It would be one of the funniest stories of all time. It would be amazing. I mean, I am not an expert. I'm not on sport track or whatever. So I don't know how much money he would actually be owed if he got fired. Would it be all $100 million?

I think so. And god damn it, that would be so cool. But here's the part that we're forgetting. Mark Davis essentially hired John Gruden to be his best friend, so he's not going to pass on his best friend after a year. That's very true. Also, Mark Davis doesn't have the money to pay him.

Yeah. No, that's a good story. He's like, I'll get you the money later after we move the team to Vegas. I'll be good for it. Mark Davis is taking out a payday loan right now. He handed him a huge IOU. He's like, you're going to want to hold on to this, John.

You're going to get $100 million. All right, next up, we have. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm.

Mm. Mm. That's a bubble cow. Hank on the hot seat, because that was a pretty good cow. Can I just say that that cow sounds a lot younger than Hank's? It does. That sounded like a spry cow ready to go.

That sounds like a cow that would tell me what Chelsea boots were. Mm. Keep me in tune with what the kids were discussing. They're like those like fuck boys wearing them with like ripped jeans. Like they have no laces. They have like a little thing on the side.

They're tan. I actually do hate them, though. Do you have a pair? No. OK, you should get a pair. No, I shouldn't. OK. Nobody should.

What's the breaking news? Take my advice. Rick Petino has a Twitter account. Ooh. So we knew this was coming. We knew this day was going to arrive. What is it? What's the handle?

At Real Petino. I just followed it from PMT. Mm. Good. Can I read the bio? Yes, please do. Elected to the Basketball Hall of Fame in 2013, winner of two national championships.

No, one. One. And the only coach to take three different schools to the final four. Two. Two. And I, well, no, he might have gone to Louisville a different time, but he's only on one national championship.

Also, is this a shot at Cal? Yeah, I think he'll get it. For getting his vacated? Yeah. Yeah, yes, it absolutely is. And, Rick, why is that that you took three different schools to the final four? Sounds like you would never find a home that you just

want to stick around at. Yeah. He has a tattoo, though. Yeah, he does have the tattoo stuff. Doesn't go away. Yeah, that's true. That's like one of those things. If you're ever having a bad day, just remember

that Rick Petino has a gigantic Louisville Cardinal tattoo on his shoulder. With teeth and everything. With teeth and everything to commemorate the now vacated national championship. That's wonderful. And it will put a smile on your face no matter what. I did notice that the graphic behind the Twitter account,

the header, the Petino podcast, or what's it called? The Petino press, I believe, is the name of his podcast. Didn't take any of our great suggestions for it. It was spelled P-I-T-N-O. So he left the second eye out by mistake. Actually, no. That's actually very cool of him. That's Tech, you know, Silicon Valley.

Only one. Yeah, P-T-N. P-T-N. Yeah, they changed it. Yeah. What an interesting P-T-N. Like, but Twitter has, oh, you're talking about like the new way to name your apps.

Right, he's a disruptor now. There's the only apps I care about that come served to me in mozzarella stick form right before I get down for the brown, you know what I'm saying? Actually, now that I'm thinking about it, this is kind of a tangent here. But Silicon Valley, like disrupting apps, where they take out all the vowels,

is that anti-Italian? Absolutely. Yeah, that's kind of fucked up. Yeah, dude, yeah. And it's like trying to get rid of Columbus Day. Well, and it's also all the CEOs have such little charisma that they don't use their hands at all when they talk. So it's a full-on war against Italy.

Yes, exactly. All right, so next up we have a respect the biz. This is for Brown's sideline reporter, Nathan Zagura, who he's a brown sideline reporter. And he got banned eight games because he was so frustrated by a call during the game against the Saints that he yelled at the refs from the sideline. Yeah, good.

Yeah. It's perfect. I say good. Yeah. Like the last time I checked, the First Amendment covers journalism, and it doesn't cover referees. So they have no protection here. He was well within his right to say

whatever he wanted to that ref. I think this is now, the Browns obviously won a game last night against the Jets. But I think this is just the point where you get so frustrated with never winning that all your rules and all the decorum just goes out the window and you just got to yell at people. Yeah, I forgot to do the fucking.

Oh, yeah. All right, yeah, Breaking Moves. No, we'll keep this in Breaking Moves. Bubba forgot to do the Breaking Moves ad read. He just got so excited about Patino that he went straight to that. Yeah, he got so excited that he just shot it all out. And then got tired afterwards.

Do the Breaking Moves ad. That Breaking Moves was brought to you by Built With Chocolate Milk. At top speed, cows can run as fast as 25 miles per hour. That's six miles per hour faster than John Ross, ran his 40-yard dash, meaning a cow could be the fastest wide receiver in the NFL. Yeah, Calvin Benjamin.

Unfortunately, cows cannot catch due to their hooves. OK, yeah, exactly. Calvin Benjamin. The real cow was brought to you by Built With Chocolate Milk. Another real fact, chocolate milk is not only delicious. It's proven to refuel your muscles after a tough run or workout. Check it out at BuiltWithChocolateMilk.com.

OK. Great job, Bubba. Nice. Nice. Such passion, oozing from your voice. I could tell how much you love chocolate milk. We should do the Velveeta shells and sauce we'd mixed in with the chocolate milk.

We'd just, everybody would just nut themselves to listen to that. Yeah, exactly. Oh, that's something. That's something. OK, before we get to our surprise ending, we have a Trouble in Paradise. Everyone's favorite Trouble in Paradise.

This is the Trouble in Paradise that will never die until one of them dies. It is the new book that is out called Belichick, the Making of the Greatest Football Coach of All Time. And in it, there was an excerpt that went around the internet yesterday. And it said, the Tom Brady-Bill Belichick relationship

is like a deeply flawed marriage. Here's the quote, if you're married 18 years to a grouchy person who gets under your skin and never compliments you, after a while, you want to divorce him. Tom knows Bill is the best coach in the league, but he's had enough of him. If Tom could, I think he would divorce him. It sounds like O'Connor is just stuck in a terrible marriage.

Well, here's the idea, way to project, dude. But here's, I want to give you an O'Connor credit for, basically, this is the chicken that you can keep fucking for all the gold points, because there's nothing new in that statement. Hey, guess what? Two guys that have worked together for 18 years don't get along as well as they did the first year.

No shit, dude. But he's probably going to make a lot of money off this book, because if you just put Belichick, Brady, Trouble in Paradise, like we're doing right this second, into a headline, which we'll do for tomorrow's podcast. Yeah, we'll be like, oh, yeah, make sure, breaking, you know. Are they going to split up? Damn, you don't know.

It is the greatest, it's the greatest headline grab going on the internet in sports world. Yeah, you know O'Connor also sounds like just the nosiest person in the history of the world. I was watching him on ESP in the other day. He said that he called 350 of Belichick's friends and acquaintances. I don't know 350 people in my life.

Can you imagine just getting a call from a stranger, like, hey, how do you think Bill feels about Tom Brady? I don't know, I did his taxes 20 years ago. Or I don't know, because Bill has never talked about his feelings once. Yeah, Bill doesn't talk to anybody. The only thing I got out of this, though, they're saying, oh, an 18 year marriage where they don't

really get along, Tom Brady has definitely caught Bill Belichick going to the fridge and just looking at him like, you're going to really eat that? You're going to eat that, Bill? Come on, Bill. Come on. There's like half a strawberry. I thought we were going to get in shape this year.

Like, you're really going to do that. And that kind of classic shit's going on at Foxboro. Do you think Belichick actually opens up about his feelings to his dog? Because I think if he has a small dog, he probably has like a pet rock in his garden in his backyard. If he has like a shitsuit or like, I don't know, yeah, a pet rock or a carrot that he really

enjoys the look of, like, a perfectly shaped carrot, he probably just goes in and just opens up and just pours out all those emotions, that one thing. And then steps back out, buttons up, he's like, OK, now Bill, you're back. Or Ernie Adams just holds all the secrets, which I think is definitely what's happening. That's probably awesome.

But yeah, Ernie Adams might just, like, he's got all the blackmail on Bill Belichick. I do actually believe that Brady and Belichick hate each other. I'm 100% by it. I don't hate Strongwood. No, no, I think they hate each other. But I think that they have such a productive hate for each other. And they're both such, like, competitive psychos

that it just makes each one of them be better at their jobs to prove to the other one, like, I'm better than you. And to prove that, I'm going to be better at my job than you are at your job. It just so happens that we both, our jobs, are tied into the exact same success. So it works out really, really well for him.

Yeah, I don't think there's, I don't think it's all the way to hate, but there's definitely, I mean, you can't, it's, it's basically, he's just saying the sky is blue. People who have been in a relationship for 18 years, people who work together closely for 18 years, of course there will be times where you're like, eh, this person's kind of bothering me.

So no shit, you know, Connor. Wait a, wait a, I mean, he's going to make so much money. God damn, we should do that. We should just made the whole thing up. Let's just do a book, like a fanfic of, yeah, like Brady and Belichick, the time they almost shot each other. Yeah, we got to throw in a little craft, too.

Yeah. Well, and craft hates them both. All right, let's finish up our show with a segment that you might know of, if you listen to the fantastic podcast Mix Tape with our friends, Koli and Tyler. They are really, really talented. They have an MBA show, but it's really everything.

They talk about everything. It goes year round. Go right now, subscribe to Mix Tape. It is awesome, but we have a very special guest because it is Dana who appears on Mix Tape every couple of weeks with Dana's thoughts, the thoughts of a five year old trapped in a, how old are you?

25. 25 year old's body who spills all over himself all the time. How is this any different than Hank's thoughts? Yeah, that's actually true. Me and Hank are pretty similar, actually. So if you like this segment, go listen to Mix Tape because these are actually greatest hits of Dana's thoughts that he does every couple of weeks.

Yeah, Mix Tape, in addition to Dana's thoughts, it's just a good podcast. Great podcast. Great podcast. The best basketball podcast doesn't really talk about basketball. Yes. That's not how you sell it.

Well, yeah. They say it every week. When you say like, oh yeah, it's a podcast you need for basketball, then everyone's like, oh shit, I got to listen to it. And they're like, oh man, these guys are funny, but they haven't even brought up basketball, but they're so funny I keep listening.

I lasted six months. You remember Terry Rozier, right? He's on the podcast too. Yeah, celebrities sell the sizzle. We're actually at the Celtics facility right now. You can probably hear the balls bouncing in the background. You think my brain works like that? Yeah.

I'm not a salesman. No, you're not. Okay, so give us some Dana's thoughts to end the week. All right, sure. So number one, spitting in your p-stream is a sign of dominance. Why? Because you're cocking your own piss.

Spitting on your own piss? It's like one of those, it's like a cradle to the grave thing. What starts as spit becomes pee. Yeah, wait, hold on. You're just skipping the entire cycle of it going through your body. Yeah. That's actually very efficient.

Hold on, let's back up here. Explain Dana's thoughts, because we probably jumped you down a little too quickly. Yeah, sure. We're already on spitting on your own pee. And we were like, what the hell is going on? I just, I have a weird brain and I always write stuff down. I actually have a journal,

but I moved it over to my phone because that's just a lot easier. And I just, right now, sometimes I tweet them and then the one's like this. It's like, I kind of want to verbalize that. Yeah, yeah. Did you do this before you had an outlet? Or was it just for your...

Very much so. This has been going on a long time. I found a Word document on my computer from 2015, which has kind of sparked it. And I showed that to Koli. Shout out to Twitter handle. Dana B underscore number three. And Dana actually was supposed,

Dana, I don't know if we want to really get into this, but Dana was going to be Liam before Liam. You guys ever asked her out? That's right. I might have revealed too much. Sorry, Liam. I love Liam. He's a good guy.

Yeah. But we're like, this kid is way too stupid to work for us. You can't have me and Hank on the set. No, that's true. We need at least someone who has some sense of what's going on here. All right. So Dana's thoughts, piss, spit on your piss.

Yeah, it just shows that, you know, once it hits the stream, you're in for a good day. Yeah, you're like, yeah, you know what's up now. It's a target practice. Yeah, like going ski shooting. All right. Sloppiness has the word penis in it. Well, that's good.

I don't know how we, I don't really, we don't even need to comment on everyone. Like that's just good. That's just a good shit. All right. It's a great thought. If Mitch Hedberg was still alive, that would have been his job.

I don't know who that is, but I agree with you. You've got a great brain. God damn it. All right. Girls with tattoos on their wrists slash lower arms aren't afraid to murder you or anyone else. That seems like jumping to a conclusion. It does.

You don't like to do that. Okay. And also the thought journal, it's not all thoughts. It's like stuff I come across and like weird stuff that happens to me. Wait, you say murdered, like it's a bad thing. If they want to murder someone, it's up to them. So people are into that.

Yeah. Okay. So like I said, it's not just thoughts. It's like stuff about me. So. Yeah, we got it. I have napkins. I leave next to my bed that are jerk off napkins

and I spilled water. And for a moment I was like, you know what? I'll just let the water spill. I'd rather have the napkins to use for my jerk off cleanup. That's why you explained how it's not sometimes more than just thoughts. Yes.

You're so lazy that you need to save all your jerk off napkins. I got another jerk off. You can serve those jerk off napkins. Yeah. It's like your grandmother used to tell you not to use the cloth napkins like for dinner if there wasn't company over. Don't use Dana's jerk off napkins.

You come to Dana's house, you can leave your shoes on, you can do whatever you want. Just don't touch his jerk off napkins. It's right. Come on. Those have aloe in it. He stole those from Chipotle last week. It's right next to my bed.

So it's a perfect spot. I have another jerk off. Do you leave them there? You leave them there. Oh yeah. No, no, no, no. Not one of them. That's one of those questions I didn't want the answer to.

Sometimes. Somebody comes over and you're like, I just, I have really bad allergies. So speaking of jerking off, I usually. Oh yeah, go ahead. Yeah, I usually wear like a cross necklace. I'm not like overly religious or anything, but I wear a cross necklace.

And I'll like take it off when I jerk off because I feel like Jesus is like looking at me. It's weird. So I put it aside, I hide it. That's fair. It's like, you know. Yeah, God is always like that. Like I'm not like overly like, oh, I'm not,

I feel like I'm sinning or anything. It's just weird. So do you think God is in your necklace? That's, he could be. No, I think it's more like he has a portal to look at you when you're wearing the necklace. Like it's a little tour of that. Like you get a good jerk off going,

it could hit the necklace and God's like, what'd you do to me? Yeah, well, not if you have the knaps. Came on Jesus, came on the body of Christ. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. We just found out that Dana jerks off

onto his own belly still. Do you put. Nobody else does? Well, I mean, it's pretty sloppy, dude. Do you put the cross, do you put it into like a special drawer? No, I usually like, if there's a napkins there, I'll just put the napkins on top.

You're safe. Wait, you put Jesus underneath your jerk off napkins? These napkins are getting like the most use out of them. More use out of these napkins than any napkins. No, that's the most versatile use of napkin ever. They cover up, they cover up all your shame and they also take your seam in. You think somebody goes to work at the napkin factory

and it's like, where do you think this one's gonna go? Well, it's gonna cover up a cross while Dana's jerking off and then he's gonna use it to wipe the floor. It depends what's in front of me. If there's like a blanket I'm not using, I'll put it in the blanket. I don't know. Please note, there's a little disclaimer

at the bottom of Dana's jerk off napkins. Never used for water. Not really a thought, but I pissed my pants last Saturday. No, that's not a big deal. Yeah, it happens, yeah. I have historically- Do you have any thoughts that don't involve your penis in some way?

Yes, we're getting to those. I have historically poor portion control. Relatable big cat. Yeah, I mean, that's, I eat, eat, eat. I'm like a Labrador, you and I both. If I ever see a big ass snake, I am fucked. Like if I see like a big, like, what are they called?

Like rattlesnake in the middle of the road, I'm fucked. We do live in New York City. Yeah, but if I'm ever in Arizona or something. Here's all you do, a little tip, because I did live in Texas for a while. So like I know how to handle rattlesnakes. Just turn around. That's it.

It's basically, you just walk, you just walk not at the snake. No, actually, another tip is play dead and the snake will leave you alone. That's true. Yeah, don't, more afraid of you than you are them. So the snake has its own journal. It's like, if I ever see Dana, I'm fucked. I'm fucked.

You might jerk off on me. Oh, here's a good one. Have you ever heard of a hot carl? Yeah. What is your definition of a hot carl? What's your definition of a hot carl? Okay, that's not, a hot carl in my mind is when someone shits in a sock

and hits you in the face with it. I got hot carled once. You did not. I did, in high school. Oh my God. But so, was it the guy named Carl? No. That would have been the perfect Dana thought,

be like, well, yeah, the guy's name was Carl. So that's why it's a hot carl. No, yeah, that's just hot carls. Okay. But he invented a move on you. So I thought- I thought hot carls, I thought that's what they were. You get to name this one because you're the first person

in the history of the world to get hit. I honestly don't remember. You, Dana? I don't want to, I do remember. I don't want to toss this new one. You do not forget the name of a guy who slapped you with a poop filled sock. First name.

I believe his name was Brian. Brian, okay. So it's- Hot Brian. It was hot Brian. Yeah, it was, you know, it wasn't really hot. It was hot. Stinky Brian.

Stinky Brian works, yeah. Okay. Another shit one, a shit in my pants, freshman year of high school playing basketball. I was wearing an all white, like an all white jersey. Just played the whole game with like shit in my shorts. You could see it so clearly in the pictures. Okay.

I love how Dana- Can we get the picture? I mean, I'm sure it was 10 years ago, so I don't know. That was before cameras were invented? If they're still on the internet, I would love to find them. It's a great picture. I love how all your thoughts just involve you

looking at various parts of your bodies. Yeah. And just being like, oh, there's my butt. Yeah, I remember when poop came out every time. It's like a three year old figuring out how to walk and like that fingers exist. Yeah, so this one quickly from thoughts to like stories, but I mean, I got a couple more.

Okay, yeah, give us three more. Okay. You can't trust a guy who consistently wears cologne. In fact, you know that's true. You're like, you're trying too hard. He's an adulterer for sure. And also maybe French. I had cologne at my desk one time because Chaps

bought a bottle of cologne that was just labeled red cologne and he wanted to know what the color red smelled like. I used it one time and I was like, not a cologne guy. No, you can't do it. You can't trust yourself. So yeah, so I put it in the bathroom so anybody can use it. Yes.

Okay, did anyone else used to eat raw eggs? No, raw egg waffles, sorry. Raw eggs aren't that weird. You eat those egg-o waffles, you just eat them raw, like from the fridge or from the freezer? Yeah, by raw you mean frozen. Like just frozen, without thawing them out, right? Yeah.

Like they didn't need to be cooked. No, they're good as fuck when they're frozen. Okay. So I wouldn't say raw is the right. Yeah, raw is definitely not the right word. I'm not great with it. And it also wasn't eggs. You start, that sentence started somewhere

completely different than where it ended. I fucked that one up. I have an obsession with getting drunk and ordering quarterback jerseys. Last weekend I ordered a Nathan Peterman one. Yes, we actually bought some Nathan Peterman tires. So merch, yeah. Still in my ideas.

So all right, so finish with this. Tell us your top three quarterback jerseys. The ones I have, I have them all listed. Do you want me to just read them all? Yeah, list them all. Fuck yeah, might as well. Nathan Peterman, which I got on Thursday, Derek Anderson, Brandon Whedon,

Jamarcus Russell, Jake Plummer, Jeff Garcia, and Jake Cutler. Whoa, one of those things is not like the other. Yeah, Jamarcus, he was pretty good. Cutler? Yeah, he was great in college. He was definitely better than everyone else, yeah. Yeah.

Okay, well Dana, thank you. If you want to hear more Dana, check out Mixtape. We love those guys. The best basketball podcast with Terry Rosie. There you go. Nice, Dana. And Dana. I'm going to subscribe.

Talking about his jerky. Subscribe, then we subscribe. Yeah. All right, we'll see everyone Monday full recap of week three and we're going to have Mike Lombardi on. He's going to tell us all about how much Bill Belichick hates Tom Brady. Love you guys.