Pardon My Take - We've Lost Control Of The Ship Plus Dungeons and Dragons Continues With Timm Woods

Episode Date: June 10, 2020

We have lost control of our sons (Billy and Hank). The very bad week for Big Cat and PFT when it comes to online streams. (3:40-10:23) Baseball maybe? Probably not. (10:24-13:04) Hot Seat Cool Throne including COPS the show, sports, Billy Football still thinks Dan Bilzerian is sweet as fuck. (13:36-29:04) We continue our Dungeons and Dragons adventure with Timm Woods as we take on a dragon and have a HUGE plot twist at the end. (30:29-1:10:24)You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/PardonMyTake

Hey, pardon my take listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen, ad-free, on Amazon Music. On today's part of my take, it's Dungeons & Dragons time, unbelievable plot twist at the end of our Dungeons & Dragons...no, it's not trilogy. Trinity. Journey. So...

It's like a Star Wars trilogy. It's our... It just never ends. The Dungeons & Dragons... It's like you do three episodes and you do three more. And then you do three more. We need more money. We're like...we're like the Rolling Stones.

We just keep going out on tour. It's our last reunion tour. To chillaxification. To chillaxification tour. We have a hot seat, cool throne. We've got some things cooking internally. Yep. Sure do.

Some things cooking. But we're brought to you... Kind of things. We're brought to you by... The Cash App part of my take is brought to you by The Cash App. Not only is it the easiest place to send money to your friends, it's the safest. We want everyone to go to Cash App's Twitch page, twitch.tv slash Cash App. Show them some love and follow their channel.

Is there any chance that Billy Football has done his homework and gone and gotten a Cash App and gotten ready to go into their Twitch channel? Yeah, I think so. I keep going onto their Twitch channel but it keeps saying emojis only and I can't drop my Cash App. Emojis. Emojis. Do you know what an emo is?

No. Okay, glad to find that one. Look into that. What a noob. All right. This is a classic... Oh, so I have to drop emotes to get money? Yes.

This is such a... Emojis only means Billy. This is such a billy thing to do half of the work and then be like, I don't know, I just got... I had a roadblock. I had a roadblock. I gave up. All right.

So you shouldn't give up. You should go to the twitch.tv slash Cash App. Cash App streams every week and gives out free money. All you have to do is drop your Cash Tag in the chat when we go live. So go check it out. What? Wait, so I can actually use this as like a bank account, right? Yes.

Thank you, Billy. Billy, it knows that this is the Cash App is incredible. Billy, you never thought about investing? I signed up for this, right? And it gives me a routing and account number. So if I hypothetically paid one day, here we go, here we go, Billy, Billy decided to come back right at the fucking start of the pandemic and be like, hey guys, remember that job you were offering me three years ago is now a good time to cash in.

Yeah, Billy, you can get paid directly on your phone, we'll make that happen. Don't think that we don't know, Billy, what was going on when you're like, hey, guys, I've got to change your heart. I'm ready to come back. It's like, yeah, dude, the job market is the worst it's ever been since the Great Depression. Oh, football is canceled next fall. Oh, you're back. Hey, all those financial services companies and payroll companies aren't doing good since

60 million people are in unemployment. Can I give my job back? Can you pay me? All right. So check out the Cash App, Twitch.tv slash Cash App. All you have to do is drop your cash tag in the chat when they go live and download the Cash App. Billy's finding out every single day that Cash App is the best app in the world, so do

it, do it, do it. Okay. Let's go. Welcome to part of my take presented by the Cash App. Go download it right now. Use the code bar so you get $10 for free. Also go to the twitch.tv slash Cash App whenever they go live on Twitch. And if you leave a comment, they might give you some free money today is Wednesday, June

10th. What's up, guys? How are we doing? I'm doing great. I'm doing great. We're doing great. Happy holidays. How are you doing?

I feel fine. That's not funny, Hank. I feel fine. Well, actually, you know what? PFT, I wanted to actually just talk to you. Okay. Liam, can you turn off Hank and Billy's mics? No.

Let's get on the psychiatrist couch. Okay. Because we both had a tough day. I think what's happened here, this happens. Wait, what? Hey, shut up. Shut up. You're not a part of this conversation.

I think what's happened here, you know, whenever you have a family, right? And there's that point in time when the 10, 12-year-old kids turn into teenagers and the dads start becoming the butt of every single joke. Like, I mean, we've roasted our dads. Dad's just become the Roach Show. It's a running Roach Show of your dad, every family. We are the dads now. We have become the dads.

I'm getting roasted on Twitch. You're getting roasted by Hank and Ping Pong. Billy is just roasting me just mentally. We are the dads. I think we need to ground them. Okay, we can do that. You're roasting yourself by losing so many views. Shut up.

Shut up. Your dads are talking. Your sleep. So that's a good option. We could ground them. We could put them on punishment. Or we could maybe turn Billy, our youngest, against Hank and turn Hank into a dad already. We should put weed in Hank's room and call the cops.

He'll hate that. Scare him straight. Yeah. I don't do drugs. Yeah, that's true. There we go. It's working. Our plan's already working.

I love it. Billy, continue to roast Hank. Take them to my grandparents. Hank's lazy. Hank's lazy. Good job, Billy. We're going to pay you. Here's what we're going to do.

Every time Billy finds something wrong that Hank does, we're going to give you a bonus, Billy. You have a bounty on Hank's missteps. So yeah, to update where we're at, no sports still. We have Dungeons and Dragons coming up, which is fantastic. The sports that do exist are me getting fucking, really, it's only against Virginia, fucked by Virginia. The moment was too big.

On Sunday night. Today way too far way too big for me. I pissed down my leg. I'm back to being just, I made all these strides and now I'm terrible at video games again. And then adding insult to injury to the 35 year olds of this podcast, PFT blue, a three one lead to Hank and pink punk. So we're in a bad spot. Right.

It's not good. It spins on as I got out to a three one lead, which is nice. I won three games against Hank. That's awesome. If it was the best of five series, which it started out being then I'd be, I'd be fine. I'd be home free. It was tough. It was tough to lose against my basically my son.

It's like when your son beats you and horse, right? The first time it's like, you just got to, you got to go inside and you got to take your air monarchs off and you just got to watch cops for five hours. And the shitty thing is cops just got canceled. So I can't even do that as a dad. It's just got canceled today. Paramount heard the people talking about the show, the TV show, and apparently they heard all the defund the police and they decided to cancel cops.

Literally the TV show filmed live on location. Where's the change? Can I sign a change.org? We could. Or we could just gotta be. Listen, just gotta be one. I'll sign that. I'll sign it.

I'm a million. But here's the thing. Well, no, I don't want. I haven't seen the show to come back. You haven't seen cops. We're caught. We're caught. In the last one.

This is a very, this is a round table part of my take. The last time you saw a new episode of cops is probably like the mid 90s, though. Like when they had that dude from New Jersey live PD, bro. That's a different one. That's not. They also got canceled in another way. What? They filmed something.

I'm not taking my news from Bill. We can still watch reruns. We got canceled for filming something live that they shouldn't have. Oh, cut that part out. But yeah, cops is canceled too. So I can't even unwind like a normal dad does. Sometimes like this. It's tough.

It's tough. But I think maybe we have a solution. We could. We could ground them. What is grounding? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know man. It just sucks to be putting yourself in positions where everyone tells you how shitty you are. It's something that should be fun, you know, ping pong or video game. You did have 100,000 people watching you play video games. Which is something of no respect on it. We got to.

That's the only thing. They all watch me play the worst game of my life. We got to find a hobby that is for people that are older than us so we can come in and dominate like the young kids. Yeah. Scrabble. Sports radio. Here we go.

We're sports radio guys now. Welcome back. You would probably beat me in trivia. PMT. I'll give you that. Thanks, Hank. Yeah. Okay.

Nice. Speaking of which, by the way, if you're listening to this right now, between the hours of 10 and 12, we are going to be hosting Kentucky Sports Radio, Billy's just throwing a football to himself into a mic. People are like, what does that sound? So we're hosting Kentucky Sports Radio today. 10 to 12. We have, there's going to be trivia.

Only Kentucky callers, please. Only Kentucky callers. We always ask this. Only people calling in from Kentucky. What are you going to say? I don't know why you'd say this. Well, we just won't give the number out on this show. Correct.

So yeah. But please just respect it. Everybody of AWLs actually respect our wishes because they, we always play the best of on Friday show, which will happen. So if you miss it, you'll hear the best of and we always like to use the best Kentucky callers. So don't ruin it. You're ruining your own, you're ruining your own enjoyment of this podcast, but we're

also going to be doing trivia, Billy versus state of Kentucky. That should be interesting. And another announcement we're watching Lance, what's it called? We're calling it the last Lance. Yeah. The last Lance. It's called anything. Remember Lance.

Just call Lance. Your name's so fucking weird, like Lance. You can just do it. So it's a two-part series, right? So we got it. It's four hours total. What goes into when you have a baby, like you look at a baby and you're like, that's Lance.

That's Lance. No, you don't. I feel like you name. So fucking weird. That's it. That's the kid that you're like, I'm going to wait until I meet it and know it's personality. And it turns out to be real asshole and throws other babies in the bus. I feel like it's a medieval name.

Like it's a nickname for Lance a lot. Yeah, maybe. But it still is like, you ever get so hung up on like names you're like Lance. Yeah. Lance is not a little kid's name. Well, I think Lance Armstrong probably killed the name Lance. Yeah, he probably did. No baby is named Lance.

Yes. Yes. Lance. So we're going to watch that for Friday. We have Judd Apatow coming Friday as well. Anything else going on? I mean, we're still in this like weird, I think we're in the waiting pattern that sports might come back, although baseball seems to have fucked itself every which way.

Baseball is trying really, really hard to not come back. So my understanding is that the owners have made three separate offers and one is like we're going to give you two thirds of the salary. One is we'll give you four, six and the other is we're going to give you eight, twelfths of the salary. And so basically it's like three of the exact same things. Can I ask a question? When I see the biggest thing that I see on Twitter, maybe this is just Twitter because

Twitter is a fucking hellhole of a website. But I see people saying that if baseball doesn't happen, they're going to lose me as a fan. How? I'm still going to watch. I'm going to be pissed off. Don't give me a lot. Just say that you're going to be mad about it. But what are you going to do next summer?

Like there's nothing you could lacrosse, Hank's doing lacrosse. I love when people make this line in the sand where like they lost me in 94, they're going to lose me again. What are you going to do in July? Well, we're going to watch baseball. I mean, the spin zone, if they lose us for this summer, they have to try to get us back next year. They have to try harder.

Juice the balls, even more. Juice the balls, turn a blind eye to new steroids, let everybody get real mass and just start walloping dingers, just massive dongs everywhere. I love it. I love it. So yeah, that's happening. We're waiting for NBA. NFL seems like it's going on on schedule and college football and the protests will be

back. That's going to be fun. What? The anthem. That's like, oh, yeah, completely, completely reignite. People are going to lose their mind. I honestly think that this year people are just going to be like, OK, who cares? Like way back in 2000, did you see what we're, well, it's it's the guy you mock who you

rightfully mock Ben Shapiro said that he can't. He can't watch sports anymore because he said that there's going to be two sports, one where there's no politics, one where there is all politics, sports and zero politics. So it's going to be the shittiest players playing in the no politics. I might be able to play in the no politics. There's going to be. Yeah, there's going to be a 52 year old Drew Brees, like 12 years from now. He's still going to be slinging around.

Also shout out Drew Brees. I guess he's in the good graces of his teammates again. So what we we address with Booger last week, it actually ended up coming true. It seems like Drew Brees had a productive conversation and they're able to move forward and he's kind of like opening his ears up a little bit. I still think the big controversy there is Drew did not acknowledge his grandmother that may have served in other ways, while his grandfather was overseas fighting the Nazis. Oh, this is kind of hard for the course of Drew Brees, just ignoring his female family

members. Interesting. Yeah. There's always another one. But yeah, I actually had Ben Shapiro. Because I had sports on my hot seat, you know, because they've lost Ben Shapiro. Huge sports nut. All right.

Let's get to it then. Let's get to our hot seat cool throne. We'll start with you, PFT. Hot seat cool throne is brought to you by our friends at Bud Light Seltzer. The Celts are putting all the others on the hot seat. And if you're on the couch watching Doug's long road back to the Natty, oh, this ad was written before my loss today. Get Bud Light Seltzer.

The road is even longer. Yeah. The road is long. Get get Bud Light Seltzer delivered right to your door with drizzly. Most time users can get $5 off with code PMT Bud Light Seltzer. Use code PMT $5 off. PFT. Why don't you start hot seat cool throne?

My hot seat is me. I'm putting myself on the hot seat. I'm having a very horrible, awful, no good, very bad week right now. This is shit week for PFT. It's a bad week. I lost to Hank. I blew a three to one lead. Again, I did beat him three.

All time. Meltdown. All time. I didn't meltdown. You melted down so hard you were saying, you're repeating, this is not a meltdown. And the tape shows that I gave Hank an extra point in game six, which would have meant that I won. But okay, so I lost after building a three to one lead.

I lost that three to one lead to Hank. I started assembling a desk last night on a Twitch stream thinking it would take me maybe three hours. I'm through step five on it and it's out of 19 steps and it's probably going to take me another 18 hours to assemble. So now I've got a desk that's just floating. It's still in two dimensions. I haven't even put it into a three dimension yet.

It's ground level. The desk has grown. You've got to walk before you run. You've got to be a ground level before you get up three feet. I forgot to press in on a Chinese food order when I was grumpy, tired, and in hour number five of assembling the desk, meaning that I had to wait until hour seven to get my food to nourish myself. And then I was done eating, it was time to go to bed and I had to put the desk away.

And then I go and I got stuck in my elevator taking Leroy out. Let's go with your elevator. My elevator sucks. If there's an elevator salesperson that listens to this show, hit me up because I need a new fucking elevator. Guys, stop right now. Stop the elevator. Yeah.

Listen up. You think that person goes into buildings and it's like, I see you have shitty elevators. Yeah, I've got a hot lead for you if you're an elevator salesperson. I swear to God, you can charge double what you normally do in this building because it breaks every goddamn day. I mean, how many floors are you building? Five? Six.

Six? It'd be hilarious if you put a high-speed Sears Tower elevator in your six-story building for a basement to six in four seconds. As fast as I want the turbo-charge deal. My family doesn't have a good history, I think I mentioned this on the show, but my great-grandfather had an elevator fall on his head and that's how he died. What an idiot. Why would you have your head there?

Yeah, exactly. I mean, he wasn't the brains of my family. He was one from, yeah. Well, the brains went... Yeah. Two. Wait, you said great-great-grandfather. Great.

I never met him. Yeah, great-great-grandfather is definitely open for jokes. Wait, I think... Yeah. Wait, was it not great-great-grandfather? I think it was... I mean, I never met the guy. I think it was my great-grandfather on my mom's side.

So your mom's great-grandfather. My mom's grandfather. No, no, my... Okay, so my great-great-grandfather. Yeah, so that's totally fine to make fun of. Your mom's great-grandfather, that's like... Dude, that is so far back. Come on.

Are you guys Otis elevator guys or are you the other guys? If your parents... If your grandparents... What? I'm an Otis elevator guy. Sure. If your two kinds of elevators... If your grandparents...

What's the other... It's your grandparents' grandparents. It's my grandparents'... Grandparents. Grandparents. Totally cool. I mean, that's... Yeah, that's...

Yeah. If your grandparents... If someone you met, if it was their parents, then it's kind of like, yeah, let's be okay. I'm having a bad week, but it's always darkest before the dawn. That's what everyone says that doesn't understand how nights work. I tweeted that the actual, like, Instagram, like, photo. Yeah. It's always darkest before dawn after I lost the Virginia Tech twice in the last 36 hours.

Which isn't true. I've been told by Neil deGrasse Tyson, but Neil deGrasse Tyson's a big nerd, so... Suck it, Neil. Suck it, Neil. It's always darkest before the dawn. Things will get better. Just when I start telling myself, PFT, things are going to get better. It's all going to turn around.

This week is going to have a sunny ending to it. I saw that sports are coming back, indeed, in the form of a golf tournament this weekend, but the golf tournament is going to be commentated and narrated by the team of Darren Ravel, Danny Cannell, and Dude Perfect. Yes! It's waterboarding for me. Did you have to watch it? I have to watch it.

It's... I don't think you could have designed... I mean, where are the impractical jokers and all this? Just toss them in the mix while we're at it, and then that'll be... It's like I wished on sports to come back, but I wished it on a cursed monkey's paw. Yes. And so I'm having to deal with all this other stuff, but I'm happy to bear that burden. Okay.

So, do you have a cool throne? My cool throne is... I'm going to go with cicadas. I'm putting cicadas on the cool throne. They're also back, and they're on the cool throne. The 17-year cicadas are back in a big way, and they're buzzing, I guess, all around, like Virginia, North Carolina, South Carolina. A lot of Midwest too.

A lot of the Midwest. The cicadas are... They're such hilarious creatures, but they're annoying as shit. Yes. They're just very slow. They fly like a foot off the ground. Don't let your dogs eat them, because... They die.

Yeah, if your dogs eat too many of them, then they can't poop afterwards. Just a heads up. Okay. Good to know. What about people? Yeah, they're also blind. Can you... If you eat them, can you poop?

I'll get back to you in a week. Okay. Hank, your hot seat cool throne. My hot seat is... It was PFT. I'm going to switch it. Two cool thrones. My hot seat is not being excellent to each other.

Your hot seat is no longer being excellent? No. It's... Hot seat, if you're not excellent to each other, that's on the hot seat, because Bill and Ted's excellent adventure. New trailer came out today. What? Be excellent to each other.

Nice. I love that. It was pretty good. So be excellent. What are they doing? Are they going back in time again? They're going forward in time. They need to write a hit song to see if humanity and the premise of the trailers that they

want to go forward in time to when the song is made and then steal it and go back in time. And it's like, aren't we stealing from ourselves? Yeah. But that's... You future you. Yeah, it's a future you problem. You're stealing from future you. Yeah.

I don't know. That's the premise of the movie. It looks pretty good. Bill and Ted's... It's very quotable. One of the most quotable movies of all time. Yeah, I've always... Give us some quotes.

Excellent. And... Strange things are afoot at the circle K. Alright. Be excellent to each other. Okay. And... That's all I got.

It's very quotable. Yeah. So quotable. I like when they play death. You got me on the top. You got me... I'm not good off the top of my head. Like...

It doesn't hurt here or here, but right here. That's... Yeah. That's when they go back in time and Chris Farley is stealing Rotary ideas from them in the future to write a movie. You sound like you know... No, I've seen it. I like it.

I don't go around quoting it. Okay. I think I guess... I guess really... It really is that there used to be a circle K near my college. And so... Okay, now we're... We're drilling down here.

Every time I go, it's like strange things are afoot at the circle K. So I've used that quote a lot, but I guess that's the only quote from the movie I really use. I think that Bill and Ted was to Keith Oberman as like stepbrothers is to Trey Wingo. Like the mid-90s sports center anchors, they were dropping Bill and Ted references left and right. My cool throne is recurring guests of the show kind of, Dan Bilzerian. Oh, yeah! Friend of the program. He wrote a book and he had some trouble finding a name for his book.

So he tweeted out, I'll give anyone who picks the title for my book $5,000. And I'll just read some of the most, you know, best responses. I'm a big giant fraud. Do you have any before I get into the responses? Something about his penis size. Dan Bilzerian. The only thing shorter than my Navy career is my penis. Dan Bilzerian.

Perpetual midlife crisis. I don't know who the fuck Dan Bilzerian is, but I want $5,000. Love your kids so they don't end up like me. They love Dan Bilzerian. And the last one. Blowing inheritance through an internal midlife crisis fueled by feelings of inadequacy. Dan Bilzerian's guide to still only being 5'9". Oh, yikes, yikes.

So you can't take that away from somebody. Oh, damn. My chin sucks. Who's going to read his book? Here's Beard. How does he still have money? His dad. That's how he was being roasted from his dad.

Yeah, his dad made a lot of money and then he, I guess, blew most of it on poker. Damn. That's how he got rich. Billy's still probably in the phase where you're like Dan Bilzerian. That's sweet. He's pretty cool, but... We met him. Did you know we met him?

I know you met him, but he's got, like, really cool trucks. He does. There you go, Dan. Maybe he won the $5,000, Billy. Dan Bilzerian. He's got really cool trucks. Hope. Yeah.

Some of his posts are pretty cool. My life's tight. Love, Dan. I mean, like... It's okay, Billy. It's totally fine. Sorry. No, you're of the age where you can absolutely still like him.

I can? Yeah. And then, like, five years from now, you'd be like, whoops, when he still hasn't... He'll be doing the same shit and you won't... Okay, that's fair. I appreciate his dad made all of his money and went to prison for, like, a Ponzi scheme or something. Talking to the mic. Oh, yeah.

All right. What's your hot seat? Cool to run, Billy. A hot seat. J.K. Rowling. Yeah. She, like, for some reason... Where are you going here?

Everyone's mad at her for saying stuff and, like, legitimately... Okay. She has... For some reason, everyone's mad at her for saying stuff. Does everyone just randomly decide you're mad at her? She wrote another book and people are mad at what happened in the book. Yeah. I don't know.

Yeah. Yeah, let's put it... Is she a Slytherin? What side do you agree with her? I just think that, like, if you have a really popular book... Or him? Or... Basically, she's done something that's made all of her fans hate her.

Right. All of her. Everyone. A lot of them. Tell them to watch sports. Do you still hate her? I don't really understand the nuances of it, but I was looking for a hot seat. You went...

Never mind. He killed the Blasios on the hot seat because he killed the Groundhog a couple years ago, and now everyone else hates him, but that's why I hate him. And also, he gave me no snow days growing up, so... All right, well, that's a good hot seat. Cool throne, cool throne. All of us, because there was a white spirit bear spotted in Canada, which is a sign of good things to come.

Yeah. So, cool throne. All of us. A white spirit bear. Yeah. Like, it's a phenotype of a grizzly where it has white fur. Hell yeah. Are we sure it wasn't a polar bear?

Yes, it was not a grower bear. It was a grizzly, you can tell, by the hump on its back, the grizzly hump, and I'm pretty psyched because that means good things to come. I'm sure it wasn't Rob Ford's ghost. I hope Rob Ford's ghost in that bear. That's why it's white for the crack. Yeah, just snored all the snow out there. Okay, good one, Billy.

Good job. All right, my hot seat is Drew Brees, but not for what everyone's mad about Drew Brees about. It's because James Winston has spoken. And now I don't know if, I think James Winston is James one of one because he said, and I quote, I know what I'm worth, and I know day in and day out without publicly coming in and saying it, that historically I'm one of the best quarterbacks to play the game.

True. Also credit to James for not saying it. Listen, he did say it historically. History said it. He said, history doesn't come out and say it. History has spoken, and James Winston has told himself that he is one of the best quarterbacks all time. Is he just reading James one on one?

That's part of history. Listen, like it or not, James one of one, one of one is contributing to the history of the United States. Like that's a record book that will always exist. And according to history, James is a Hall of Fame quarterback. He said, my entire life, I've been a winner, Little League, Little League football, middle school, high school, college. Obviously the NFL is a little more difficult, but I've been a winner.

I don't want to be viewed as a loser. It's going to come. It's going to happen. This is something I've been fighting for my entire life, building up to this. I, I'm on the right side of history. James Winston is going to be a Hall of Famer. Well, listen, he's, he's on a good team right now. He's going to look sick in those all white Saints uniforms.

Yup. That's going to look fucking awesome. Him and Tayson Hill and Drew Brees together. That's going to be, I'm very much looking forward to that. He has also been showing up in elite workout videos this off season. Not only did he have the baseball bat one, but did you see him boxing the other day? He is. Wow.

I don't want to shame anybody for, for trying a new sport or maybe attempting anything athletic for the first time outside of football, but watching him box, I actually think I could beat up James Winston and I'm not a good boxer. Wow. He, he looks like a beginner out there. Wow. Interesting. I mean, I don't know.

Ruff and Rowdy. I would, I hear about, I hear about challenge. James Winston to fight me in Ruff and Rowdy. In an NFL stadium. Now that, now that Ben Shapiro has sworn off sports so I can't fight him in Ruff and Rowdy anymore. I challenge James Winston to take me on Ruff and Rowdy. All right.

Gauntlet's been thrown. He's got, he's got a lot of size on you. He's got a lot of size. That's fine. Big tree fall hard. He's got like eight inches out of you. Yeah. How tall is he?

Six four? Six three. Six three. Wingspan two. Wingspan? He's got 50 pounds on you. I'm, I'm, I'm a wide five nine. Hands-wise.

Is that what you tell yourself? What? Is that what you tell yourself? Yeah. I'm like, I'm like a chode. My arms are, are longer than those of a five nine man. You listen, I might not be tall, but you should check out my Wingspan. Listen, here's what I would do.

If I fought James Winston straight up, I'd just double leg him and take him down. And I wouldn't care if I lost the fight, at least I, I tackle James Winston. Or Rick Riley joke. You could just wear a linebacker's number. He'd never see you coming. That's good. I'm going to give that 1.5. Yeah.

James Winston is a cicada. He showed up when he was 17 and he's blind. And then he's going to die because we all do. All right. My cool throne is, um, well, I've not been doing so well either, but I think it's about to turn for me because I'm moving and, uh, I got a little patch of, uh, grass, shrubbery at the new place. And, uh,

You have a lawn? A little, no, it's not really a lawn. It's not a lawn. It's like weeds coming up. It's like a shrubbery. Yeah. But get this, talk to the previous tenant. He said, if you look close enough, there's a bunch of four leaf clovers in there.

You should grow weed. So I'm about to have the greatest gambling season of my life. And if anyone wants four leaf clover, I'll be selling them for whatever I'm down. Okay. I like that. But also you could grow weed. Can you legally? Sure.

I'll just blame Billy. Yeah. Yeah. Billy, you live in a barn. You should grow weed. I'm not going weed. Why? We're for us.

I don't like weed. Grow weed inside Vanity Woodhead and then sell it as a package. Yes, dude. Hydroconics. Yeah. There we go. Learning how to grow weed. What do you mean?

I'm not a weed guy. Botany. We'll plant the weed for you. You guys have gotten like so weed heavy lately. Well, no, we don't necessarily use it all the time, but it's just cool to talk. We're a pandemic. Listen, we're dads now. Okay.

We have a minor leager to look after. So just talking about weed makes us seem a lot cooler. So yeah, either grow in your van or in your barn, grow it in the van, or big cat, you have a son. Like, why can't you, if the cops come and you have a weed plan, why can't you be like, like kids? Yeah. Oh, he was fucking around.

Rest a baby. He was spitting seeds out of his mouth. Then six months later, that thing came up. Yeah. I mean, cops isn't even on the air anymore. There probably aren't any police around. It's true. Well, it blurs his face out.

All right. That is the start of the show. What a start of the show. We have another great second half of the show. We have Dungeons and Dragons coming up. It is fantastic. Before we do that, PFT, you have an ad. Yes.

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Now Dungeons & Dragons. Okay, it is Wednesday, the second. After two weeks, we have our good friend Tim Woods back on. Dungeons & Dragons, we're going to pick up where we left off. Tim, please tell us where we left off because a lot of life has happened in the last two weeks. Absolutely. For sure.

While we left our adventures on a very exciting cliffhanger, because we as adventurers had made our way, our full party had made our way into the village of Greenist, bought some cobalds on the way there, bought some cultists. But now we've made our way to the castle where we have prepared and made ready for the arrival of the mighty blue dragon, Lennathon, who has just flown up to our castle at the kind of instigation of us and our illusions, because we had, as I recall last time, had a plan that we were going to lure this dragon to the castle using stew and chili. It was a stew.

Remember? Yes. It was like a hologram of chili. A big chili and telling everyone, don't touch it, and we're waiting for the dragon. We're all hunkered down in the castle. I do remember it. You also, Tim, sent us like player, basically like almost player cards for each of our guys, so we can, we'll tweet these out tomorrow, but they're incredible.

They're incredible. It's incredible what you do, and it's your website, I assume. I noticed something. Oh, go ahead. To be clear, that's not my website, that D&D Beyond is the official D&D character sheet website where anyone can go on and make D&D characters, and now all of you have kind of stats and stuff to look at for referencing your character details. What are your strengths?

What are your spells? And what are your abilities? I love it. Awesome. We call them character sheets. I'm going, yeah. We're going to definitely tweet this out tomorrow so people can follow along, and I did notice that Billy, the berserker, has 15 strength.

What's yours? And I have 16 strength. Oh, that's one better. Interesting. Okay. Huh. So I'm stronger than Billy. Light, slight, marginal.

No. Yeah, but wouldn't you say 16 is bigger than 15? It is a higher bonus for sure, yeah. Okay, great. All right. So any words from anyone else before we get back into it? Anything else? No, let's do it.

Let's get into it. Dragon and only this dragon. We should also mention. What does dexterity mean? Ability with both hands. To be a serial killer. Yeah. But also be a cop.

It's like a quickie bar, and how like your ability to dodge attacks and stuff like that, where strength is more like your ability to roll up power to punch things. Yes. Also, Tim, we should mention that PFT, Wayne, and Erlich. Yes. They just played in a seven game series in Ping Pong, and there's a lot of tension in the room. I am tension free.

I feel great. No, you're not tension free. I feel great if I got awarded a free bogus point in game six. It may spill over a little into this game. I just want you to know, and also, there's tension between me and Berserker Billy, because he's a fucking idiot, and it drives me nuts. But here we are. All right, Tim.

Yeah, let's do it. Let's get into it. Let's do it. So we're in the castle. A little bit of game bleed, yeah. Yeah. All right. The dragon's name is what again?

We had learned that this dragon, who had been lured in by the smell of our stew, had started flying to the castle. The dragon's name, I'm not sure if it had blurted out yet, but it was flying to our castle, roaring, you now face Lennathon, the scion rat, as it had crashed into our castle and knocked over a little bit of the castle wall. It was looking down into the castle at all of us, but only after Berserker Billy had launched a guiding bolt successfully at this dragon to basically zap it with this big powerful laser beam.

This dragon, as it's flying towards the castle, was glowing, and all of us, just a reminder, will now have advantage on any attacks we do against this dragon, thanks to Berserker Billy's attack. But this dragon had just been flying to the castle, and she is now crashing into the castle wall. She's looking down into this castle, sniffing the air, and she had just said, you are all in for it now. Our character, she speaks draconic, and in theory that's listed somewhere in your character

sheet, but I can go over who speaks draconic and stuff. But we know that we would be understanding that this dragon is able to talk, and it is very upset about that attack that Berserker Billy just did. It is looking at the stew, but I do just want to remind us the stew is only a hologram, so the moment this dragon touches the stew, which it looks like it's considering doing, it's looking into this castle right now, and it is looking at the stew, the moment she touches it, that she's going to realize that this is just an illusion. Right now, all she's doing is looking to the castle, but her gaze is definitely focusing

on the Goliath cleric, Berserker Billy, who has just dealt the first blow. The second strongest in our group. Yes, second strongest guy that we have. I'm concerned that maybe the dragon doesn't think the chili looks delicious enough. Is there a way that maybe Erlick could go down and make sure that it's still nice and warm and giving off a good smell? I would say that with our illusion in place right now, it is still wafting a very, very good smell.

It looks very appetizing, but I'd say we hear the dragon muttering to itself stew, and she doesn't seem like she cares too much about food. However, we're noticing something. There's a glint in her eyes, and she's seeing all the peasants who have, we said had lined up thanks to Erlick, the warlock. He had convinced everybody here to line up and make it look good. And many of these people are saying, oh, I hope this dragon doesn't eat our stew. And as they say that to each other, very convincingly, the dragon does seem to be looking at the

stew with amusement, like she might try to knock it over or something like that. But in theory, the first turn right now is Norm the Barbarian, Norm the Barbarian, whatever you want to do, right now this dragon is taking pause and taking stock of what's going on in this castle. Okay, can I with my turn be like, is there an extra bonus for really pointing someone out? So I want to be like, hey, it was him, and really point out Billy Berserker. So the dragon really knows it was him.

That's a free action, you point in his direction, the lance is there, she mutters, I know that. So there's no like under the bus move that you can use. So what should I do? What should I do, guys? I feel like if we attack this dragon straight on, it's going to be bad news. That's what the dragon, we have to outsmart it, we have to lay down some sort of trap. But I'm not the smart guy, I'm the strength guy. Okay, you could, I don't know, maybe you could.

What would you recommend Tim? Wait, does this dragon breathe fire? Is it hot fire? We do know that all dragons breathe some kind of a breath weapon. I would invite anybody who once can roll a d20, and there are kind of skill bonus if they want to know what they think this dragon will breathe, but we don't know if it's fire or if it's something weird or like acid or something like that. Okay.

The dragon has blue scales, so you could roll a check to see if you know what a blue scale dragon is. Great. Erlich's going to roll. Absolutely. He's got a plus four on this, I'm noticing on him. I got a hot hand too. Okay.

He's got a hot hand. He's doing really well on ping pong. Three. Three. Good job. Wait, I'm going to give you one more. That's a four. Yeah.

I'm going to end up with a four on that one. And you had a plus four, so that sounds like a seven total, but even that, you know it's a dragon, you know it's going to breathe something, but you don't know what exactly. Okay. So can I like throw a big rock at it? You absolutely could. And I would say we have the barbarian going up first. Most of what you do is throwing stuff or attacking.

Yup. And so it's generally one of the two things. Now when you get ready to chuck this rock at the dragon, if that's what you want to do, you, I would be asking, are you going to enter your barbarian rage in this situation? It might be too early. Because if you do, you get advantage on any checks that are based on throwing or clawing. Yeah. I'm going to rage.

Yeah. Let me rage. Let me rage and fucking whip this thing. Absolutely. If you have a rock, you let out a raging roar and you get ready to throw it. I believe you have a plus five on this actually, but you get to roll two times and take the higher number. Okay.

Here we go. 16. That's pretty good. That's pretty good. So far so good. 18. Let's go. Even better.

And with a plus five on that, you got a 23. You are whipping a rock right in this dragon's direction and the dragon was looking at Berserker Billy while you were throwing the rock at her. So she turns back to look at you and opens her mouth and then the rock just ricochets right into her eye, right off one of her tails, into her eyes with, ah, and the rock falls out and you can tell you bruised her eye a little bit, but she looked at you, normed the barbarian and she grits her teeth and she says, you dare. She crushes the castle wall a little bit.

You dare. I hate villages like this. She just shakes her head. Tell her again. She's very annoyed. Okay. All right. So, so one question before we go to the next turn, I think it's Billy's up next.

But Tim, you've, you've played this game your whole life. You understand. I think you might. I can't remember. Did you say you watched any sports? I've watched a little bit. Okay. All right.

But you saw me throw there. You would say that's better than a Division III quarterback. That's like a Division I quarterback, right? I would say definitely at least Division II we're talking. Okay. All right. All right. Good.

Good. That's 23. However, I'd say with the 23 that felt like a Division I. Yes. Yes, baby. Definitely a Division III wide receiver. Yeah. Great throw.

That was a great throw. The dragon, not only can you tell that she was a little bit hurt by that at least, she was very annoyed and highly embarrassed by getting hit by that. Okay. That's what she's pissed off. She knows it was a good one. She knows you're making her look foolish. And if you're not doing any moving, what I'd let you do right now, Norm, before your turn

ends, I'd let you roll an insight check on her. Okay. If I pull up your character sheet, it looks like your insight skill is plus one. Not your best skill, but you're not bad at it either. You have some natural barbarian instincts. This will be to tell how she's, what she's thinking right now. Okay. Do that right.

All right. Here we go. Insight. 18. I got the hot hand. Now, with a plus one on that, you got a 19. I'm going to give you a little clue at this point. You know that you just embarrassed her very badly.

And she just said, I hate villages like this. You know that this dragon does not want to be here. She's annoyed by this whole situation. She's being made to look like a fool in front of a bunch of humans and dwarves and elves. And she would rather not be here right now, which surprises you because there's nothing in the world that you can think of that would convince a dragon to be somewhere that it did not want to be. Okay.

So the dragon just got hit in the eye. It's like, what's it like doing here in this village? Right. These are so lame. It's that movie Carrie, where she doesn't want to go to prom or whatever, but she does and then she gets blood poured all over her. Yep. And she needs to convince her.

Yeah. So what did Carrie do after that? I like that you pick Carrie as an example because at any moment this dragon looks like it might start freaking out and just exploding in all directions. Okay. So who's up next? Billy the Berserker? Absolutely.

It would actually be Wayne. Wayne. Up next. And Ehrlich then Berserker Billy. All right. So Wayne, you are up and I wanted to highlight that on your character sheet, you can see some of the spells you can cast, but also of course as a bonus action, you can do your inspiration to give anybody here a little bit of a boost that they can choose to use

on there. Yeah. I can talk somebody up. Can I also notice that I have bagpipes as one of my tools. So I was I picked all those musical instruments for you if you want to swap out bagpipes are great. Bagpipes are perfect. So after my turn, I noticed that Ehrlich goes.

So I'm thinking maybe I could psych up Ehrlich the, what are you Hank, the warlock, the warlock from Boston by playing shipping up to Boston on the bagpipes and making him so pumped up that he goes and he takes on the dragon one on one. Wow. Because he can't resist it. That's very nice of you. Yeah. Great pump up song.

You start playing that and I'd say not only Ehrlich, but all the town guard as well are starting to get into this theme as you're playing and you have given inspiration to Ehrlich. Love it. Go get them early. What a team player. What's the name of the village we're actually in? What was that?

What's the name of the village we're currently in? Greenest is the name of the village. Shipping up to Greenest. Shipping up to Greenest. Yeah. All right, Hank. You're so pumped up, Ehrlich. Go get them buddy.

You have to roll, don't you? Go get them buddy. No, he's my turn to pump you up. That's it. And now you just use your bonus action so I'm happy to say you can do that and you can still cast a spell or do an attack with your weapon or you can make a skill check right now. He doesn't want to melt down again.

What kind of spells do I put a spell on Ehrlich to make him think he's better than he is? Yeah. Can I put a spell on Ehrlich to make him super confident? We're a team. Essentially make him think that he's got a lead on me. Yeah. Make him think he can read.

Shouldn't we be focused on the dragon, Tim? No, I think we need to take out this dragon. Hank, you're the best weapon that we have. Yeah. So I'd like to, yeah, how can I inspire him? What can I do? What kind of spell can I put on Hank to make him think he can be the dragon? Yeah.

In terms of buffing spells that you could give to one of your other teammates, I don't think I gave you any, but there's one spell that I could have given you. Let's say you have this spell. It's called Enhanced Ability and you get to pick one of Ehrlich's ability scores and anytime he uses it, he gets advantage on it. So if he's planning on talking, then you could do Enhanced Charisma on him and he'd be an extra great talker. If he's planning on like climbing something, you could enhance his strength, so he's extra

good at climbing. He's smart. What would you want to enhance? Wisdom. Intelligence. Yeah, his wisdom. So he's intelligent. He's at a 10 right now, which isn't great.

And I'd like to bump him up to at least, I don't know, like a 12 or 14? The good thing is you won't pump up his stat at all. Instead, anytime he rolls anything wisdom related, he gets to roll two times now and make the higher number. All right. Yeah. Let's get Ehrlich real smart. Yeah.

And that variation of enhanceability would be called like Owl's wisdom. So suddenly, Ehrlich, you feel like you can see all around you and you're able to just read people's expressions and you're just super naturally good at observing things around you with your wisdom. So you have inspiration and your wisdom is enhanced. I love that, Ehrlich. So we are up to you now, Ehrlich. What would you like to do?

You're looking up at this dragon. It looks like after Berserker-Billy's turn, the dragon is going to do something. We just don't know what yet. And what would you be considering doing? You could attack the dragon, cast a spell, do whatever you want. Use a skill like, if you roll any wisdom based skills like perception or insight. Can I use... Hey, can I ask my turn, please?

No, wait, wait. Can I ask a question, Ehrlich? Ehrlich, can I ask a question? Sure. Ehrlich. I would appreciate if you raise your turn. Ehrlich, do you have enough wisdom to figure out if this dragon, like can you see in the future, will he be able to see if like this dragon is just going to leave?

Well, can I... If you roll an insight check on the dragon, you would get advantage on that. You could roll two times, unlike Norm, who could only roll once. Your wisdom is enhanced. So you could roll two times. Yeah. Let me answer on my turn, please. You don't want to know what the dragon's doing before you figure out what to do?

It was just your turn and you used it for me, right? So now... Yeah, let's go, Hank. Yeah. All right. Come on, Hank. Make sure my teammates are safe. You know, defense protective orders.

To make sure... What's a defense order? You know, if the dragon's going to attack, I would just like to ensure that my compadres are safe against all attacks. Absolutely. You... Let's see. Protective spells.

I don't think you have any protective spells, but I'd let you use your action if you wanted to dive in the way to offer protection to one of your teammates. You could make one of your teammates any attacks against them would have disadvantages. You can dodge and you would give that to yourself, but I'd let you give it to somebody else instead if you dive in their way. Is that something you'd want to do with your attacks? No, let's attack. I'd like Hank.

Let's attack. Hank, attack. Let's attack. P.A.T. pump me up. Yeah. I'm ready to attack. D-Bap. Yep.

You could... I want to let you know you can attack with your best attack spell, which is... Well, to be fair, you have Eldritch Blast, which is a great attack spell. You also have Burning Hands, which is better when you have a cone of enemies in front of you. Sometimes I combine them. But you could do an Eldritch Blast against this dragon, or you could use, and you could also use your Insight skill to see if you know what the dragon's doing and you would have advances.

You could do both of those. Blast will do. Yeah. Let's do Blast and Insight. A Blasting Insight. A Barbicuffalo move. Yes. So you'll charge up an Eldritch Blast.

This is where I'm going to ask you a quick question actually, Hank. Flavor your Eldritch Blast. There's something I would always ask for Warlock. There are three different beings that you can make a pact with. You could have made a pact with to get your powers. The choices are a demon of some kind, a fiend, a great old one, an alien god of some sort, or a fey being a creature of the woods in the forest. Demon.

What are those choices? Demon. Demon fiend. Demon absolutely. Just want to make sure that's the one I built you with. So a pirate is conjured up in your hands and you hurl what looks like multi-colored flames at this dragon. Go ahead and roll a d20 plus, I believe a plus four for your attack with Eldritch Blast.

I got a four. Yes. Confirming that. Four. Four. He only rolled a four, Tim. He sticks. A four plus a four is an eight.

So unfortunately you hurl this Eldritch Blast to the dragon, but the dragon just looks in your direction and easily moves her head out of the way and your Eldritch Blast is flying by this track. I should have protected you guys. Go ahead and roll an insight check with your move and you do have advantage on that because of the Owl's wisdom that just got granted to you by the Bard Lake. Before this next turn, I want to talk to you guys about our great friends over at CBDMD. What's on your Mount Flushmore of Daily Bullshit?

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Another four? Dude, you stink, but you suck. Was the four the higher of the two rolls? Yes. Oh, wait, I can roll twice? Yeah. All right. Yeah, you roll two times because of Owl's wisdom.

Seven. Seven. Okay. Plus your investigation, sorry, your insight bonus, Erlich, looks like it is only a plus zero. So I'm starting to say with a seven, you're not learning anything about what this dragon is thinking right now. I want to throw this knife at you.

Can we cancel the dragon? Like, can we find out if the dragon has bad tweets in the past or if they've done anything bad that we can shame the dragon out of the city? You know what I'll let you do is you can, all of you, roll a history check right now. Anyone who wants to roll a history check, see if you know anything about this dragon. Let's switch for the timeline. It's painful in its past. I rolled an eight.

Eight is not going to do the trick, unfortunately. Fifteen. I got a fifteen. Sorry, who got a fifteen? Billy. Billy. And with Erlich, ooh, Erlich, you've got a plus four on this. So yes, with a nineteen total, I only got a seven.

What'd you get? I got a six. So Billy was our high roll with fifteen. Billy was the high roll and with a plus zero on history then with a fifteen. You do know that this dragon, you don't know who Lennithon is necessarily, but you do know that this is a dragon who hasn't emerged from her lair in a long time. You think she comes from the mountains south of here and you're very surprised because you think that this dragon has not emerged for over a hundred years.

Very weird for Lennithon to be out and about right now, but you don't know anything shameful from her past. Okay, so. You think, you think actually she was watching eggs for a long time. That will be your guess for fifty. So it's my turn, right? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I am stronger than you because knowledge is power and I have plus two wisdom. I would like to reach out to the dragon as the healer of the group. The dragons hurt. Am I correct? The dragon is a little bit injured by your dragon. I would like and probably has a lot of psychological damage from whoever's controlling the dragon and being locked up for a hundred years, am I correct?

I would like to reach out to the dragon and offer spiritual and physical healing. I would like to in exchange. We can get the dragon on our side. It's got eggs. I got a plan. I got a plan. I got a plan. In exchange for the dragon's services and being my steed and I would like to also say

I would help take take care of the dragon's children. I want to be a step. So the father is definitely gone. You want to bury your dragon. I want to step in. You want to be a step to the dragon. I want to ride the dragon. Take its kids out.

I want to ride the dragon and take care of the little dragon puppies. So I was just checking your character sheet to see what languages you speak and it does seem like a drag. Onyx is not one of them, but you can address this creature in common to speak to it. And if you want to do that, you could roll a persuasion deck. You have a plus three. So you want to be also Wilson to this dragon. Yeah.

Exactly. Get the dragon, Billy. Let's go. We're going to get rid of the toxicity. My next turn, I want to throw a rocket, Billy. 14. 14. Gross.

14 plus three. So 17. This dragon looks at you and then she starts to break into a smile. Yes. But it looks scary because she's wearing her teeth at you and then she zooms in really, really close to you. And she says one thing in common first, not so brave now, little giant thing, are you? And she sniffs you and then says, why?

And before you can say anything, she says, why should I listen to you when I can crush this castle so easily? She's like really close to me. Like her face is close to me. Then I would like to lean in and kiss the dragon. Can he kiss the dragon? You lean in to kiss the dragon. Roll one more persuasion check real quick.

Baby. Come on. You're going to get laid, Billy. We're so close. Four. Four. Not great, Billy. Four.

The dragon is taking it back like a cat. He rears back for a moment. What are you doing? Eyes widened and then in anger, her eyes narrowed and she snaps at you to bite you. I'm going to roll an act. I forgot to act. She's attacking you. No.

She didn't ask Billy. No consent. No consent. Billy. No dragon. Okay. Reserve Billy, can I ask what is armor class, please? So I'm looking at your sheet as well.

I'm happy to say your armor class is 18. You are very hard to hit because you are a Goliath with rocky skin and because you are a powerful war cleric. You wear chain mail. She's like the Teflon Dunn. Around your body, but the teeth do not pierce your chain mail. She bites you once, twice and grinds your teeth a little bit and then release and then picks you up and spits you out a little bit.

You hit the ground, but you land on your feet and you still got your weapon at the ready. She didn't injure you at all. But know that that was a close one. She definitely doesn't think you're cute though. Tell the dragon. Is it my turn? Now, hold on one second. That initial, that second persuasion check was to see how she liked the kiss, but with

the initial 17, she looks down at you and she says, you little creature, how dare you? And I'll give you a chance. What do you say to her? I'd be like, I just want to grant you freedom in a life free from servitude. Can you just assume that every woman that you run into is dominated by somebody else and you can free them? Billy basically just walked up and was like, hey, is this guy bothering you? To me.

He's like, he's a jerk. Can I have a drink? Billy literally commanded this dragon to come over with a beam of light and he's like, hey, can I free you from whoever made you come here? Yeah, dude, let's just try to heal the dragon and get so that we can ride around on the dragon. So she just, the dragon bit you because you tried to kiss it. It doesn't want your advances, but she's playing hard to get.

No, Billy. She tried to kill you. Dude, no means no. All right. So what do you do? At least respond with a 17 to what you're saying. And he says this, I will have you know that I only serve the beings who may command me, the gods themselves, Tiamat, the dragon queen is the one whom I serve and no other.

And you are a cleric. Go ahead and make a religion check to see what you know about Tiamat, the dragon queen. And that is a plus two that you have on the check. Okay. Here we go. What do we got? 16. Nice, Billy.

Absolutely. With an 18 total, you do know Tiamat, the dragon queen is said to be the god. Goddess of all evil dragon. She's supposed to be a huge five headed dragon and she's the one being who could probably convinced an adult dragon to work for her. Okay. So it's a bad dragon. We've established that this dragon, although embarrassed, actually has bad motive.

Yeah. All right. So is it my turn? Absolutely. It would be Norm the Barbarian's turn now. This dragon is looking around and she looks angry and she then is reaching down one town guardsman was trying to like shoot an arrow in her and she swipes and she sends that town guardsman flying through the air off the castle wall.

He hits a rooftop and bounces off and goes skipping through the air and then she's looking around for what she's going to do next. Okay. Norm, what do you do? I want to throw another fucking rock at this bitch. Absolutely. Yeah. You can throw an athletics check for sure.

Yeah. Let's fucking do it. Other eye. And you get two rolls on this. Okay. Here we go. 17. Let's go.

With a plus five, you know that a 22 is once again, she's like watching the town guardsman fly through the air and then she's about to say this whole castle is about to, and she gets picked in the face again with the rock. She turns to look at the barbarian and she goes, how dare you? Her wings start to flap a barbarian. I want you to make a strength check right now. You're going to roll and add. Actually, you have a plus five on strength saving throws.

Go ahead and roll with a plus five to see how you do against this. 14. Not bad. 14. 14. Let me check. A 14 is going to be very close to what you needed, but right now, barbarian, you're getting thrown back a little bit by the wings and the flapping and he's going to be dealing.

She would be dealing six damage to you with the force of the wings flapping you back. You're crashing into some other people, but because you are raging, you only take half damage. Okay. Three points of damage you're taking, but she got her vengeance against you, but you can tell this for sure now. Go ahead and roll another insight check against her, same as you did last time. Five.

Dammit. Five this time. Well, you could tell that she was annoyed by the rocks being thrown at her and the guiding bolt she had gotten earlier. She's more annoyed now, but you don't know how annoyed, exactly. Okay. Got it. Has she taken, how much damage has she taken or she just pissed off?

At this point, she doesn't look like she's getting injured. She's just getting pissed off, but it's definitely progressively more pissed off. You can tell that. All right. So we should throw a rock at her too. I could hit her with a rock. Yeah. How's my rock throwing skills?

Your rock throwing skills are not particularly great, but you also have, yeah, you, you have Wayne A plus a rock throwing, but you can crossbow. You could try to. I do. I could crossbow or crossbow. Also, it has hand as one of my weapons, right? My hand is pretty good. Can I just, can I just bitch slapper, just walk up like open hand, slap as hard as I

fucking can. You could run up and you could, while her head is getting a little bit low, dodging arrows and attacks, you could try to smack her in the face potentially. Yeah. I just want to slap this shit out of her. Yes. Absolutely. An unarmed strike for you.

Looks like it would only be a plus two. You could give that a try. All right. Let's go. I feel good. Do I only get, let's take this dragon down with rocks and slaps. Do I get one roll? You can make one roll and you had a plus two.

No way. Me 11. 11. Not bad. You run up and you're kind of like the dragon's head gets low for a moment, you grab onto one of her scales and you pull up and you go to smack her and you just smack her in a, it's like slapping the side of a car. You're just hitting this scale and then her eye flickers to you and then she shakes her

head and I would like you to make a dexterity saving throw actually as you go hurtling through the air, you're trying to land safely without getting hurt. All right. Like a cat. 17. 17. On dexterity. Nice.

Your dexterity bonus, you land your spine and take no damage. Yeah. I sent a powerful message to her, which is I'm not afraid to do something stupid. Right. Absolutely. For sure. And you are welcome to make your own insight check against this dragon. I would love to.

I would love to have an insight check. So I just rolled a five. I just checked it. I'm sorry for suggesting it because you had a minus one anyway. You had a four total. It's a dragon. You know that. Okay.

All right. So we're going to do Erlich and Billy's turns and then we'll end there. So you guys got to do something. We got to do something. You want to just throw a rock at it. Step on her foot. Just keep attacking. Is there like a stone cold stunner?

Is there any other move besides? What can Erlich do? Tripper. You could do an eldritch blast. You were all very persuasive and you could try talking to her the same way the cleric did. The war priest did. You could also do your Berkeley hand spell and then like really power with fire.

Okay. All right. What are you going to do? Blast. Blast. Blast. Let's go blast. Great choice.

Now I realized something I had forgotten. Hank, I didn't give you your advantage for the guiding bolt last time and I owe you that. Oh hell yeah. This time I'm giving you the guiding bolt bonus. Roll two times and take the higher the attack goes. One. Oh.

Not great. Hold on. What was that Hank? Dice on the floor. Hank. What does that mean? Dice on the floor. I never count you.

Okay. Roll again. Nineteen. Yes. Let's go. Your eldritch blast flies through the area as the dragon turns it is letting out a roar saying this village is going to awe and it goes right into her mouth. Your eldritch blast.

She swallows it. Oh. And she's coughing and smoke is coming out of her mouth. And then she acts like a cat and says I am this close to just. And I will let you make an insight check to see what you think she was going to say. Hank, if you want to roll insight you have a plus, let's see your bonus for Erlich is a plus zero on this, but go ahead and roll insight. Just one roll.

Just one roll. Seven. Shit. Seven? I don't know exactly what she was going to say, but for some reason she was afraid to say it. I will tell you this, lots of cultists have started to gather around the castle. You would think she wasn't willing to say it because the other cultists would have over

her. She's saying this in the common tongue. Oh. This dragon seems like it's not trying to fight. It doesn't want to smoke. Wait, do you think there's a chance that she was like, man, if they throw any more rocks, I'm fucked? It was something along those lines, you think, and you know, I'll let you start your turn

with your own insight check to see if you know what she would have said. Do not try to fuck this dragon. I want to ride it. Don't jump on his back. No, Billy. We've got to get rid of this dragon. We're better just ride the dragon. Dude, we're all trying to beat the dragon and you're trying to fuck it and it's not working.

Here we go. Insight check. This could be a plus four. 18. 18. 18. The 22 you know exactly what she was going to say. She didn't want to say it because her friends are nearby, but she was going to say, if this

keeps happening, I am just going to leave this village and let the cultists handle this themselves. Yes. But she didn't want to say that. She knew it would have broken their morass if she tried to fly away. What would you like to do to Zercher, Billy? I would like to do a mounted assault and like jump on its back and try to like either break it or kill it.

I want to mount it, jump on its back, either be like, be my steed or I'm going to beat you up. I want to ride the dragon. Then I will let you first make an athletics check to jump on to this dragon. This is the exact turn that he did last time. He's just backdooring us. I just want to kiss it. 13.

13. Nice, Billy. 14. 15. 17. That is just barely enough. Yes. This dragon's back.

Do you want to be on its head or on its back? I'm like, I'm on its head. Like if it has horns, I want to be grabbing it by the horns. So if you look at this image in my background, this dragon has one big horn. Do you want to be holding on to that horn or back on its head? Grab it. Hold on for a minute. No, because if it has, it's going to shake me with shake its head.

Dude, you could ride it. It's maybe a little safer further back. Okay. I want the best position of control on this dragon. Billy's hoping he will. Billy wants it. He's really humping. More close to the back of the dragon.

The ears that you're kind of holding on to. And now I'll let you roll with advantage a persuasion check. You have a plus three on this. You roll two times and take the higher number. All right. See how much of a hold, how much this dragon's listening to right now. All right. Here we go.

Here's the first roll. Seven. Let's do the second roll. 20. 20. The dragon's on beat. Yeah, Billy. And two things happened.

First of all, you said you were trying to fly this dragon away from here, right? That was the main effect. No, just away. Just away. Just away. Just somewhere he can go and have some private time. He wants to take it to like an hourly rate hotel. He wants to be like, hey, babe, you want to get out of here?

The dragon is letting out a roar. Forget this village. I hate this village. She takes off into the air and all the cultists are like, yeah, let it on. And then they see her with you on her head. Fly away from the village. Oh, no, what's going on? And then, and this will be the cliffhanger as you're flying away.

Leonard on she shakes her head left. She takes her head right. And then finally she says, all right, little rock man. Let's talk you and I. What do you want? Never give up, Billy. Never give up. With a critical hit, you think this dragon is willing to maybe become friends with you.

Yeah. Dude, I'm so happy I told you to do that all along. So we'll catch up tomorrow morning at brunch with Billy. Just dish about how your night was. Billy's like, last night was a movie. All right. Well, Tim, another fantastic session. Just a little heads up.

Yeah, we're going to have Tim on for the week before July 4th. So we're going to miss two weeks from now, but we're going to do an extra long one the week before July 4th. So that's me an hour long Dungeons and Dragons session. This was fantastic. Can I play Let's Get It On on my bagpipe as Billy and the Dragons play off of the sunset? Thank you as always, Tim. We really appreciate it and we'll talk to you soon. Absolutely.

Such a pleasure. Take care, guys. Love you guys. Well, I don't know what to say or say anyway. Today is another day to find you shining away. Well, I'll be coming for your love, OK? Shining away. Well, I'll be coming for your love, OK?

Needless to say, I won't say it. But I need some little weight. Slowly learning my life is OK. Say after me. Say after me. Say after me. It's no better to be safe than something. Take on me.

Take on me. Take on me. Take on me. Take on me. Take on me. Take on me. Take on me. Take on me.

Take on me. Take on me. Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do doatz So, Let's do all that you did.