Pardon My Take - Writer/Comedian Jensen Karp, Andy Dalton's Goodbye + Things We Think About When We're High

Episode Date: May 1, 2020

See ya, April. We're on to May and Jameis had no depth perception until a month ago, literally, and Andy Dalton era in Cincinnati is over (2:53 - 14:17). Fyre Fest of the Week (14:17 - 31:31). Author/Comedian/Art Dealer Jensen Karp of "The No-Sports Report" joins the show to talk about his very interesting and unusual career, writing a book, John Mayer, Hollywood, and being married to Topanga (31:31 - 72:39). Segments include Embrace Debate is MJ a loser and Mt Rushmore of things we think about when we're high.You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/PardonMyTake

Hey, pardon my take listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. On today's pardon my take, we have comedian, rapper, writer, author, art dealer, Jensen Karp, something a little different. I really enjoyed talking to Jensen. It was a good time with him. He knows a lot of famous people.

He has the Hollywood scene down, also a very cool guy, and married to Topanga. That's probably the coolest thing. That and the art dealer. No offense, Jensen. But yeah, that probably is pretty awesome. Put number one. But we have that. We have Andy Dalton, James Winston.

We have Firefest of the Week. And then we're going to finish the week with the Mount Rushmore of Things You Think When You're High. So we'll see how that goes. Part of my take is brought to you by the Cash App. Are we going to do anything different from that? No, we're just going to think about things that you think when you're high. We'll just put ourselves in the mindset of somebody who's high.

Correct. And then, okay, got it. Part of my take is brought to you by the Cash App. Not only is it the easiest place to send money to your friends, it's the safest. It's the number one social distancing app in the world because you don't have to see anyone face to face. You don't have to see your friends, your family, anyone. You can just send money easily.

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Okay. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go.

Let's go. Let's go. Now in the street there is violence, and then a lot of stuff will have to be done. No place to hang alone washing, and then I can't live all on the sun. Oh, no. We're gonna run down to electric avenue, and then we'll take it higher. Oh, we're gonna run down to electric avenue. Welcome to part of my take presented by the Cash App.

Go download it today. Get $10 for free. $10 to the ASPCA when you use code BARSTULE. Today is Friday, May 1st. We fucking did it, guys. We kicked the shit out of April. Happy May Day. See ya, bitch.

It still feels to me like it's March 61st. April in the dust. We're just chugging along here. We're chugging along. We're feeling good. May is gonna be easy. We had a lot of showers. May flowers.

We got it made. Can't see them. Can't go outside and see them, but they're there. What about this? Cool thrown Justin Timberlake. Why? It's gonna be my, yeah. Good point.

I forgot about that. Nice. Hey, somebody wake up the guy from Green Day. It does feel, this is where we're at, though, now. It's every day, every time we hit a new month, it's like, oh, okay. This happened. One in the dust. I would like to make a motion that we never speak of this April again.

Deal. Can we just forget about it? You know, like that time conspiracy where they said the years between, like, 1100 AD and 1300 never happened? Yeah, there's nothing, nothing. I'm trying to think, like, no. Yeah. Nothing happened this April.

All right. Well, actually, one thing happened. I want to read a tweet to you to start the show off. James Winston on Zoom call with Saints Media about Lasik surgery said he can now read license plates and street signs that he couldn't read as well before. So he's basically a Google self-driving car. Helps with blurriness, depth perception, clearer vision. Wow.

That is. Now, it's crazy to think that he couldn't read license plates before or street signs. Depth perception. That's why he's probably always taking Ubers. Depth perception. Like, that's a big deal when you're a quarterback. The, I know the well actually response here that you are not supposed to get Lasik before you're the age of 25.

That's like a medical thing. You're not actually supposed to do it because your eyes are still growing. That's weird to think that your eyes are still growing. But that is just a shocking, shocking statement to say I have been playing quarterback in the NFL for the last five years and I struggle with depth perception. He couldn't read street signs. That's a very easy thing to read for most people. I'm very good at reading street signs.

I'm a little concerned. Like, what if James can see too good now? Maybe part of the charm of James was the fact that sometimes he would miss a quarterback and he'd say, fuck it, I'm going to bomb it out anyways. And then he had good wide receivers that would bring down these chances that he was taking. And so that's what made him so exciting and able to make these crazy throws. Like now, what if he's able to see those cornerbacks and he becomes captain check down. And he's like, I can't believe I used to make those throws.

Or he sees the rush coming and he gets scared and basically tucks the ball because he's like, oh man, he's basically been dealing with a situation where he hasn't seen the rush for five years. So he feels like he's Superman and can't believe when he gets sacked. His eyes are going to be seen ghost and it's going to affect his personality. What a wild way to go through playing quarterback in the NFL. The highest-paid position in the most popular sport in the world and you can't see. Maybe that's why I didn't say world.

It's not whatever. Fuck you, soccer. He took one million dollars a year, which is so he's not the highest paid hypothetical question. Would you rather have James Winston for 30 years or Dak Prescott for one year? It's crazy how little he's getting paid. It's crazy that they're not more teams. And I know he said that there were more teams, but there's no way there were more teams.

You guys have also, though, fully wrapped your brain around him, like really being a good quarterback. Derangement syndrome. I've accepted. I had derangement syndrome. He's had. Had. No.

Well, you just said it's crazy how much he's not getting paid. No. Derangement syndrome is the people who think that James Winston is bad. You have a derangement syndrome. I see the truth. But when I be proven correct by the fact that he's paid so little. No, you're triggered by everything that he does. You're like, blind man, bad.

James is not good. Can I recommend a book for you real quick, Hank? It's called, but the title of it is James Winston Derangement Syndrome, which you have. How media bias causes us to overlook the start of a Hall of Fame NFL career. You guys are the media bias. No, we're not. If anything, we pump him up. Yeah.

No, right. You just said, I can't believe he's not getting paid as much because you guys are biased of him being good. And so it shocks you that he's getting paid so little where if you just, no, you're deranged. You're deranged. And you actually might have rabies irregardless, Hank, you've got toxoplasmosis. You've been hanging out with cats too much. Oh, do a sidebar real quick and a neurosurgeon hit me up and was like, yeah, this is a really

dangerous thing for someone to have in their brain. Yeah. So don't get, don't intentionally get toxoplasmosis. Which makes sense for how Billy's been acting. Yes, it does. James is not a great quarterback, but it is still insane how little he's being paid. He's getting paid $1 million to chase Daniel's getting paid. What?

How much is chase Daniel being paid? How many firefighters and school teachers could, could they pay if they didn't have the new Orleans age could hire off the top of my head? I don't know. 30 school teachers. All right. To give that Harvard education at the quarterback position, Hank chase Daniel's being paid to, uh, let's see, Oh, he signed a three year deal for 13, $13 million.

He's getting paid $2 million this year. Okay. For the, for the lions. You don't think that the lions, if Matt Stafford gets hurt, do you think that chase Daniel or James Winston would have a better chance of possibly winning football games? James. Yes. Exactly.

So he's a more valuable backup. He is the guy that if, if you're, listen, if you get to your backup in the NFL, you're almost always fucked no matter what. Also, but you'd want at least the guy who has maybe the upside. Forget about winning and losing games. Just put yourself in the shoes of an NFL owner. If you want to sell tickets in case your backup gets in, who do you want? Chase Daniel or James Winston, who's no matter what happens, you're going to put him out

there and you're going to see something weird that you've never seen before in a football field. James. James Winston. Now he's ingratiated in the same system. Yeah. No, he's going to be a genius. He's getting a Harvard.

Harvard education. Yeah. But he had other options. And so he, he chose him and Greg Williams had several options to start their own football league together. They had just so many options. They just turned it down. Yeah.

So we have, that news was shocking, hilarious. Thank you, James, for giving us a laugh when we need one the most. And then we have another quarterback who is free to go wherever he wants. Andy Dalton got cut ending the era for the Cincinnati Bengals, the greatest uniform hair color era of all time. And I actually, listen, I could talk myself into Andy Dalton. Andy Dalton is going to look real weird and most in the other uniform though, because it had a lot to do with the jersey that he was in.

Like imagine Andy Dalton wearing a Dolphins jersey or Andy Dalton wearing a Panthers jersey. A Bucks jersey. It seems weird. Yeah. Bucks. Yeah. I can't picture a good quarterback ever wearing a Bucks jersey. Except for James Winston.

I would take, I would take a flyer on Andy Dalton. Andy Dalton I think is worth it. He's the anti-James. He's like, he's a good solid quarterback. He's not going to make too many mistakes. And if he does, he'll make a tackle. He'll tackle a guy that, that picks him off. Right.

And he seems like a guy that you, he's not going to screw up the locker room in any way. He's, you'll probably bring him in. He's going to be pretty normal. He's going to give you the pump up speech that doesn't pump anyone up. Yeah. I think Andy Dalton, I would take a chance on him. Patriots might, it seems like a good landing spot for him.

I'd be fine with him. You think he's the best Andy of all time? Best Andy athlete. Andy Bernard. Andy athlete. Andy Roddick. Andy Roddick, tennis player. Andy Murray, tennis player.

Andy the best Jinger, Andrew Jones. And yeah, but he's, isn't he like DRUW? Yeah. I don't feel like that translates to an Andy. Best Andy ever. Yeah. If it, it could be a Drew, Drew Jones. I don't know.

Andy Pettit. Andy Pettit. Andy Pettit's a good one. Took steroids. I'm sure we'd thank him some more. Yeah. But he admitted that he did right away. So it's cool.

Only for an injury. Yeah. But yeah, he's, he's totally fine. Andrew Luck. He's an Andy. You think Andrew Luck? No. No.

He's not an Andy. He would definitely go as an Andy. No. Andrew Luck will change his name to Andy for like one weekend of a bachelor party. He's like, let's go a little while with the guys. Andy's coming out. Then he has two beers and dies. Andy Luck.

Andy Luck, I like that. Maybe he comes back as Andy Luck. Maybe. Yeah. Why not? I think he's probably the best Jinger athlete of all time. Right? Yeah.

Uh, well, Jinger athlete. They're all tennis players too. Jim Currier, Boris Becker. Max Muncie. They don't even count. Well, Walton was a, he was a Jinger back in the day. Definitely. Sean White, flying tomato.

The guy in the song. It's hard to remember every Jinger athlete. All right. Swift. Jinger. Oh, Stro-Miles Swift. No, no, no, no. I thought you were talking about the fox.

Oh, are you talking about the guy? Robert Swift. Robert Swift. He, he like basically was out of the league within like four years. Yeah. But three years. Look at that. Look at his hair.

Scalabrini. He's just, he should get like he had, he had. Look at him. Oh, Carson Wentz is technically a Jinger. Is he a bust? Blake Griffin. Blake Irvin's not a Jinger. He's not a Jinger.

He's listed best redheaded athletes. You can make an argument that. You can't trust Google. Andy Dalton, if the season ended today for both their careers, Andy Dalton had a better career than Carson Wentz. Well, yeah, because Carson Wentz played like three years. Yeah. I'm just saying.

So you can't, but you can't put Carson. Oh, wow. You can't put Carson ahead of Andy. But he's still, yeah, I mean, I, he's still his highest, his highest, his highest. Guys, we're better than Andy Dalton's, Mark McGuire. You never got the bills to the playoffs. Actually, you know what? The bills to continue this whole tradition of Buffalo, just like making Andy, Andy Dalton

a full hero, the bills should sign them. They owe them. Yeah. Oh, the bills before that one year. When they got, yeah. They already have a stacked quarterback room. Big time stack course. Right.

Jake Fromm. And our guy who's got a mustache, by the way, Josh Allen's got a mustache. He was looking really good. People are definitely taking quarantine where they're like, I'm going to take some risks with my facial hair. Yeah. I don't hate that. I don't hate that.

All right. Should we do our firefest and get to Jensen Karp? Before we do firefest, we are brought to you by our friends at Pandora. Go support Pandora. Yeah. You can't do that. PFT. That's I forgot.

New sponsor alert Pandora. We have all been getting creative with things we've been doing at home and Pandora thinks we deserve a great soundtrack to go along with it, whether you're putting on a station to pump you up before your Peloton ride, PFT, uh, whether you're getting ready for a big game with coach Doug's, or if you're trying to play Call of Duty, Pandora has it all. I actually, I'm going to go off script for a second. I've been listening to Pandora stations because being home all day, you have to put on something to listen to, to break up the day.

So I do, I do the, uh, like the kids songs when my son is awake. I do the station, the happiest tunes on earth. That's a real station. We put that on kids bops, is that kids songs? Yeah. And then we play a preschool nap time before he goes to bed. And then when I get ready for, for, uh, Doug's, I put on, I search Queens of Stone Age and listen to let it just go and get myself pumped up.

And you have to do it with Pandora because Pandora, you're probably sitting at home right now being like, I really wish I had some music, uh, to like, you know, spice up my day, but I don't want to make a playlist, but I don't want to make a playlist. Exactly. Hank, well you can discover the soundtrack to your great indoors and listen to Pandora at home on your smart speakers, TV gaming console and more visit pandora.com slash everywhere to learn more. There's nothing more frightening than being like, Hey, what am I going to listen to?

I need to make a playlist. I need to figure out the songs. Uh-uh. I've already got it for you. Go listen right now. Visit pandora.com slash everywhere to learn more and start listening to Pandora. Can I try something real quick? Yeah.

All right. Turn your speakers up. Alexa, play Pandora, imagine dragon's playlist. You're welcome. There you go. You're about to, you're about to have a fucking Friday. It's done. Uh, Hank, firefest.

My firefest, uh, not surprisingly is, is all brought back to call, uh, video games because it's basically the only thing on my brain in the pie chart of my brain besides this podcast. Oh, I thought it was going to be the PFT worked you in ping pong. No, it worked is, I mean, it was a gentleman's suite. Four one. So it's a, it's a gentleman's game. Yeah.

Four, I let him have one to keep that confidence going a little bit, but, um, yeah, sorry, Hank. I didn't mean to take your firefest. Our bad. Well, it wasn't my firefest. I was just, you know, part of the game. Our bad, dude. Uh, but the Twitch chat, who was very active, they basically bullied me because they convinced

me, like I play on a TV with a HDMI and they convinced me, they're like, dude, you got to play with the monitor. You got to play with the monitor. You got to play, play with the monitor. It'll make all the difference. Finally, it was like, all right, I'm just fucking buy a monitor. And then they're like, Oh, well, if you have a monitor, you're not playing on PC, then it's useless.

And I was like, I, this is where I draw the line. I'm not going to buy a PC. I play video games with a controller. Like I'll never play video games where I'm not playing with a controller. I agree with that. Take turns out you can have a PC and use a controller with a PC. So I got mad at the Twitch chat and then I got dunked on. I dunked on myself.

Uh huh. I basically just realized it's just a racket. There's always something else that you don't have, but it's truly like it's the tools or it's the person using the tools, not the tools themselves. You're exposing yourself as a noob in the video game community. And that's tough because I would, I would fall into the exact same trap that you've fallen into if somebody's like playing a PC. I always thought, wait, I have to be like on a keyboard and hitting like K and S instead

of B and A. That's too much for me. So yeah, thank you for making that mistake. So I don't have to. Yeah. You're right though. Video games should be played with a controller. Yes. I don't want to hear anything different.

And it's bullshit if there's really that much to do it. It's 10 times better on a PC. It's like, how, how could they create something better? Yeah. But they're like talking about the frame rate and all these, all these, all these things that the computer do that an Xbox can't let them bully. What about, so when they told you to get a monitor, you were just playing on a TV. I was playing.

Yeah. I was playing like, uh, yeah, I was playing on TV and so then you bought a monitor to plug into, like plug your video game system into and they're like, dude, this is the exact same thing as a TV. Well they were like, yeah, well it's good you have the monitor, but if you, if it's actually not a PC, then like the, uh, the benefits don't matter as much. So it's like sick. Maybe just like nice things.

Right. Come on. Uh, PFC, what's yours? That's in the chat for Hank. Uh, my Firefest of the week is, so I'm dealing with this move moving in two weeks on the 15th of May. Just found out. Chore City.

Chore City. It is Chore. That, um, I'm going to have to deal with a brand new cable subscription service. So I have to relearn every fucking channel after even worse than the channel in old age. This is how I know that I'm getting. Cut the cord. No, I can't do that because it's not real live sports, Hank, and live sports are coming back.

They're cut. They're coming back. They're making the vaccine. Rizved Vegemere, the, uh, drug is working wonders. Dr. Fauci told me, um, but yeah, not only do I have to learn the channels, but even worse than that at my age is mastering a new remote control. That's going to be like a four or five month task for me right there. Yeah.

You're screwed. So I don't know where the red zone channel is. I don't. The funny thing is I only use like three channels. Yeah, but I have to re remember. I got to wear one of those quarterback, uh, wristband playlist things so I can just look at that and know what you're not going to get in shape because there's not sports on right now.

Like you're not going to get into channel shape because you aren't using the channel right. Exactly. I'm not disaster. Right. I'm going to have no reps going into the fall when the NFL starts is like skipping the entire preseason. I literally have turned my like the only times I've used my TV with cable is on Sunday nights

like turn it off, turn it back on next Sunday. And it was here. No, you're a millennial. No, you're not. No, it's insier. Yeah. Zoomer. You're a millennial.

Okay. Zoomer. Nope. Meet me in the zoom chat. Uh, my other fire. Not a millennial. I don't think. I think I am.

No, I don't think. Google. If somebody's a zoomer, you're right. It is. Millennials start when when did millennials stop being entitled? What year were you born? 93. Shit.

He's a millennial. Oh, you're not like us, though. 90. No, he's actually more of a millennial. And I was probably. We're actually pretty much the equals on Gen X. No, 81 to 96. So we're basically on the same ends.

Okay. Like a hardcore true blue millennials like 1989. I just divided over whether somebody remembers life without the internet. Yeah. That's, that's when you're a true millennial. No, that's, that's wrong though. We remember it. Right.

But millennials go to 96. So those are, those are late millennials though. But I think it's the people who are before us, whatever the fuck that is, they're the ones who fully remember life without the internet. That's true. Gen X always remembers life without the internet. They won't let you forget it either. My other fire.

Just tried to do that. What? Not let everyone forget that you remember it. Correct. That's because I'm borderline. You're millennial who shows Gen X tendencies. Yes. Yes.

I'm on the spectrum of X. Got it. Got it. My other fire fest is I've got a shitload of dishes now. So I'm getting really bored. I don't have my, my Twitch video games up yet because we're dealing with some hardware issues. So I'm not gaming all the time.

Unfortunately. Did you finish Game of Thrones? I am still watching Game of Thrones. It's getting good. It's getting really good. It's the dishes thing. So the dishes are because I've got some time in the evenings, I'm getting back into cooking now because I used to cook all the time.

Allegedly. What do you mean allegedly? I've just seen, I've seen some conspiracies out there that it might not be you cooking those. That I'm not actually cooking? Interesting. I am cooking. I put out a couple videos on the old Instagram about it.

Someone put the videos. Um, yeah, you're right. It's not actually me. There's a second. Or no, they were, no, they were videos, but we don't know if you took them. Okay. I'm taking, it's the Trey Wingo situation. Yes.

Macaroni and cheese showed up at my back door today. Mm-hmm. Uh, no, I had macaroni cheese in the last two weeks. Yes, I did. And I had it all the time. I had it all the time. So I just Googled Paula Dean mac and cheese. Sorry.

Uh, no, I'm cooking and there's a shitload of dishes. That's the worst part about cooking is having a bad chore, having, it's a terrible chore. Now, now I understand where you're coming from. Yes. It like, there's nothing worse than eating an extremely satisfying meal and then looking at the kitchen and just immediately thinking, I'm going to save that till tomorrow and then you wake up tomorrow and it's even worse tomorrow and you can't, yeah, it's awful. If you're cooking though, you shouldn't have to do the dishes.

That's true. Leroy helps sometimes. He looks them off. The, uh, all right. My firefest, I got two as well. I threw a seven pick game, whatever I suck at video games. Who cares? The other one though, the real one is I'm addicted to snacking girl.

Wait, are you the Nathan Peterman of video games? Uh, didn't you throw like three in a row? No, no, no. I threw two picks, sixes and seven total. I think it was four and three, so I didn't throw five and a half. Okay. Yeah, that's good. It was really bad.

As long as you spread them out a little bit. I'm addicted to snacking girl. People are so mad about this. I don't know why. Nuggets. I think it's what you get. What am I craving? I love her.

All right. But Genesis, I'm still, I'm still trying to figure it out. Well, the main barcel sports account posted it like two weeks ago, right? Correct. And then all of a sudden there was a ground swell of people being like, delete that video. It's so cringe worthy and bad. And then Chuck, our great social media guy posted it again and I guess what happened was he posted it.

I'm getting comments on my pictures. Yes. He posted it two weeks ago and people on every single barcel Instagram post have been commenting delete snacking girl. So then they posted it again and it's just chaos. But I legitimately think it's a fire jam by her. I kind of like it. I like the way she says nuggets and ramen.

Played again. And we do be snacking. People be snacking. I'll be snacking. Snacking. Cheetos. Pringles. Brown.

French fries. Chicken. Nuggets. Ice cream. Sandwich. What am I craving? What am I craving? I am snacking.

I'm probably going to tweet the podcast tomorrow with this video just to see how many replies I can get. That's just engagement. People are so mad about it and I love it. I got one. I got one on Instagram. Delete the snacking girl. Yeah.

Well, I posted the snacking girl on my Instagram as well. And then as soon as I posted something else, everyone was like, this doesn't make up for the snacking video. Like we know what you did. So I love it. There was actually a change.org that had 750 signatures. Well, it's crazy. Delete the snacking video.

What's crazy is that for this video in particular, that's posted by our new social media guy, Darren Revelle. So if you want us to delete the snacking girl video, you have to comment on his Instagram and tell him to delete the snacking girl. Dude, speaking of Revelle's Instagram. We should address this. I think I'm pretty sure I was just reading what he was about to say. Hot seat Rick Riley because Darren Revelle has the courteous Kate Upton post of all time.

He's a scout. Just reading this. He's a scout. I've always prided myself on being ahead of the curve, trying to spot the next trend. This ranges from investments to people. I've told, which for Darren, that's the same thing. Yeah. Investment.

People are money. Yes. Incorporations are people. I've told the story about scouting Jeff Bagwell, then a rookie in 1999 to come to my bar mitzvah. Kids at the time were confused why a Mets fan was having an Astros player at his party. Well, no one on the 1999 Mets made the whole thing. Bagwell did own us there, dude. That is the most Darren Revelle thing of all time to invite a rival player to your bar

mitzvah because you actually think he'll be better. Also, I get what he's trying to say is like, I get to look back and say Bagwell is my bar mitzvah. But at the time, everyone was like, who the fuck is this guy? Like who's Jeff Bagwell? So he did the same thing, long story short with Kate Upton. He said, but I've never really told the story of bringing Kate up into the White House Correspondents Dinner. You should have just stopped there.

I was reminded of it because it popped up. And I will keep it that way. It was happening nine years ago today. Kate and I met in December, 2010, a year after I had anchored a prime. This just goes on and on, but essentially he's taking credit for Kate Upton's career. He discovered Kate Upton when she was a lowly sports illustrated swimsuit model that everyone knew about. He couldn't get into any of the parties.

The moment that will stick in my head from that night was the fight to get into the Vanity Fair Party. We obviously weren't on the who's who list, but we got some help from Kate's SI colleagues, Brooklyn Decker and Chrissy Teigen. Two and a half years later, after landing the SI swimsuit cover twice, Vanity Fair needed a model for their 100th anniversary issue. Who did they pick? Chrissy Brinkley.

You know what my- No wait, Kate Upton. My favorite part of the story is by far that they go to the Vanity Fair Party, they don't get in, and Darren Ravel thinks the reason they didn't get in was because he was with Kate Upton. Right. And it wasn't because of him. It wasn't because you were probably saying I will call my lawyer if you don't let me

in this. I have an invite right here. I paid money for it. Re-enactment of the doorman at that party. Yeah. We definitely have you on this list, you are scheduled for VIP, we've got you for table service. Who's, who are you, who are you with, who does she know here?

She's very attractive. I mean, Darren, you can get in, but Kate Upton, I don't know if we have room for her. We've never heard of her. She's the striking young lady who's very, very attractive. Nope, sorry. And then Chrissy- When is an attractive woman never, or not been able to get into a party? Never.

Darren. She could be homeless. He doesn't even realize that. Like he does not realize that hot girls always get into parties. That's the rule one of a party. Yes. Oh my God. Okay.

Let's get to- Imagine being Darren's wife and reading that Instagram post. And the funny thing is- That was all, were you planning on bringing that up? No. I mean, I saw it, I saw it earlier in the day and I was like, holy shit. I can't believe he actually wrote this novel about being able to scout human beings. The funny thing is for most couples, most married couples, this would be like a very

tough post for the wife to read and be like, hey, why are you flexing on going on a date with Kate Upton? But I think that we all know that Darren Ravel posting this literally has nothing to do with him wanting to have sex with Kate Upton. It's just him trying to flex on everybody and being like, I recognize that this woman was going to be very attractive when she was younger. I have a great eye for talent. Do you think if I like became president of the United States, he would do a post and

be like, I realized he was going places. That's why I let him beat me 11 to nothing and pick up basketball. That's why I created a Twitter account for his unborn son. No, he might let him wipe the floor with me and make me look like the most unathletic person in the world. He would post that picture of him from like sixth grade wearing the tuxedo and write a LeBron style younger Darren Ravel thanking older Darren Ravel for future discovering Dan Cass.

It's unreal. He is one of a kind. I actually think this is more like this is actually him getting back though. Yeah. Like this is what I need this Ravel, not the fucking loser Ravel, marking on people. Like this is actually funny because it's kind of quirky, a little endearing in a weird way. The times that Darren Ravel is the least cool is when he's trying to be the most cool and

the times he's the most cool is when he's being the biggest nerd. Right. All right. Let's get to Jensen Karp. Great interview with Jensen coming up. Before we do that though, Death Wish, Death Wish Coffee in this seemingly never ending lockdown the world is going through. It's hard to stay motivated, especially when you're supposed to be working from home.

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It is Jensen Karp. He's a writer, comedian, rapper, art dealer, producer, podcaster. I guess the first question is like, how did you get so cool? I know because that makes me sound like a true douchebag. I, because like the more multi-hyphenity it's the truth is I just have done stuff. I like doing so it just Wikipedia just puts them all together. But in truth at my core, I'm just sort of a writer. I think it's the art dealer that makes it put you into douchebag character.

Let's talk about art dealer. Are you like a supervillain or where does that come in? Yes, I'm always petting a cat. I always am thinking about killing your parents. No, I years ago I was I was signed to Interscope as a kid when I was like 19 years old. Jimmy Iving gave me a ton of money to rap even though I look like an accountant. And I the deal fell through. It didn't work out.

It I was a failure at having this record deal, but I had all this money from it. And I wanted to start a business, not just buy video games and comic books for the rest of my life. And so I opened an art gallery on Melrose here in Los Angeles called Gallery 1988. And it focused on art me and you would like not like pompous $30,000 pictures of like a yellow dot. Like it was all pop culture related. We've done stuff with major league baseball. We've done deals with like lost and breaking bad. Like it's pop culture art.

So if anything, it's more of a t-shirt business than an art business. OK, I like that. Yeah, just call it a t-shirt business, except it's on canvas. Oh, and I did like that. You said like art that we would all like. Like, you don't I was just I thought you were going to say like, yeah, you know, there's like bulldogs with like a king's crown on it. Nipples, there's a lot of bare breasts.

Yeah, all my art that I sell says keep calm and carry on. OK, any sort of variation on that slogan, I'm in. Live, laugh, love on a wood board. Or if you're like Banksy, just put a gas mask on any cartoon character. Boom, million dollars. We we've all dated someone who has like a Marilyn Monroe picture up, right? Because that's the most basic bitch. Oh, yeah. It's terrible.

Oh, yeah. It's the worst. It's that one and the the freshman dorm starter pack of Bob Marley, John Belushi and the two women kissing and the Pink Floyd with their backs that are all the albums. The worst. That's hard. Worse. That's art you're selling. OK, I got it. Oh, God, that's a poster. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, got it.

Good, good fellas, posters, the whole thing. Yes. All right. So you mentioned the record deal, but let's go back a little because you were a child actor, too, right? I a failed child actor. Yes. OK. So this is two. Now, two things you failed that I like this. We're keeping score. So we're going to give you a final tally of your merit at the end of this podcast.

Yes, I I was a child actor here in Los Angeles and I was on a television show called Kids Songs, which was basically Barney Without the Dinosaur, which takes away all the cool parts about Barney. And we would just sing like, you know, it's a day at the picnic or like, you know, my meatball has left my plate like dumb nursery rhyme songs. And that was basically the extent of my whole acting career, which is ironic because I have married

Danielle Fishel, who played Topanga on Boy Meets World. So we have sort of like the two dynamic polar opposites of child actor, dumb, it's like one who couldn't not take a job and me, who like couldn't find a job. Right. So wait, who now being a child actor, was that your parents wanted to get you into it? Or were you just like, I want to be a child actor. I want to, you know, get a crippling drug addiction in my mid 20s and bottom out. Like I want this.

I'm so into the Corey Hame lifestyle. No, my parent, my dad was a car salesman and my mom was basically she worked in like, I say advertising, but truthfully it was like the Penny Saver magazine, but her own she made from home. So we were very middle class, not a ton of dough and no connection, zero. And so I just was a precocious kid who liked performing and convinced them to act. And then when I don't want to act anymore, I was like, I don't want to do this anymore. And they said good because we hate driving out to the city every day.

And so that was it. That's like the perfect child acting career. Like I dipped your toes in it, but you got up before it fucked you up permanently. I like that. I've been thinking like, so I have a son who's 10 months old. And I'm like, if I could get him into one movie when he's like four and then never act again, just so that like it's a pickup line he can have at the bar when he's 25, that would be perfect. You did that. I did.

But my wife clearly has seen some dark stuff in her career of acting and like, you know, was friends with like Brad Renfrow and like stories, you know, Brittany Murphy stories that are so sad. And she was and I have a 10 month old as well. And when we have him, she was, yeah, I'm sure they look exactly the same if your baby looks like Marv Albert. And so what do you have, the ball gag and everything? No, no, the cooler part of part.

He just he just yells from downtown over and over again. The hair. Yes. He. So we were like, we'll never let him act. My wife was so against it. And then every day we look at him and we're like, he should be in everything. Like we're going to try to get him in. Like it's such a fake out that you think you're not going to try to get him into acting and then you do. And you're like, oh, he's beautiful.

He needs to be on the Sopranos tomorrow. Yes. Well, how does that work? If you get into something when you're 10 months old and it does really well, do you get residual checks on that for the rest of your life? Oh, hell, yeah. But I think it goes under your like your trust name or something. You don't they don't like give it to your baby bank account. I think they make sure your parents get it.

And then it yeah. But for the rest of your life, you would get it. Yeah. Right. So gamble all of that. So if you're like a baby Jenny from Forest Gump when she's getting on the bus and she's like, you can sit here if you want. Yeah. That line. She's still getting checks in her mailbox every day. Yeah, that's that.

That's that Olsen twin money, man. The Olsen twins were that like, cut it out or whatever dumb shit they said. I think they still get paid off DVDs and streaming sale. So do you have residuals? No, Kids Song has made a sign aware residuals, which is the best most slave labor thing they could have done. Yeah, yeah. So your mom growing up, you said that she ran her own penny saver.

She like did her own zine, which was like she she clipped the coupons and then sent those coupons out to her friends. No, no, no, that was group on your mom group on. Yeah, she no, she typically had a zine. It just wasn't talking about like Black Sabbath. It was like where you can get cheaper Italian food. I love that. That's great. And so you ended up marrying to Panga.

I think that's a lot of kids dreams. Did you actually watch Boy Meets World growing up? Did you ever crush on her? No, I never see. I've never seen it. Oh, fuck you. No, I swear. We went to high school together. So we knew each other growing up. We were acquaintances and pals, and I knew she was famous.

I knew she was on a show, but our high school was I don't know. Now it's like, you know, Calabasas high, you know, it is like Drake and the Kardashians or whatever. But at the time, it was just kind of like this new money haven. I didn't live there. I lived in a city next door and we pretended we live there so I can go to school to better school. And I knew she was famous and I knew she missed school for months,

but I had never seen the show. And so we started dating and she showed me two episodes. So did you date her in high school? No, we were just acquaintances. That's crazy. And so you ended up reconnecting later on. Wait, yeah. After you got famous enough for her to be seen with,

she was like, yeah, I guess we can give this a shot. Most likely I would I would go do a radio appearance or something for my book I released or whatever it is. And they would say, where'd you go to high school? I'd say Calabasas. They go, oh, you know, who was just in here. And that would happen over and over again. So we had each other's contacts or whatever.

So I would write her. I'd see her at Comic-Con if she was doing an appearance or whatever. And just say hello. And we were always just pals. And then when you turn like 35, you're like, why didn't I date that cool person? And then that all happens. So wait, so you watched your first two Boy Meets World episodes after you guys had been dating.

Yes. Did you feel like a creep? No, no, no, I she showed me two episodes. She showed me. I don't know if you know the show well, but she showed me. Oh, I know very well. Yeah, we're children of the 90s. OK, so I'm a I'm 40.

So I'm a little I'm more say by the bell. I missed it by months, I think. OK. And and so I had watched one that's the Halloween episode, which is very screen based and it's great. It's got Jennifer Love Hewitt in it. Very funny. And then we watched one where Will Fridell, his character, joins a cult. And that one's I wouldn't say it's quote unquote good,

but it's good because it's ridiculous. And those two were great. And I just saw it as like, this is ridiculous. Ninety sick. I'm not like that's my wife. Yeah, you're not watching. You're like, you look cute. I guess would be the right word. No, I mean, her whole life is very funny.

Like we we have this thing we do right now called Scorontine, where we give away things that we have in our house to people on Instagram Live, if they answer trivia questions right. And it has us going into the garage and looking for prizes every week, you know. And we found like, I wish I had it here, but we found L.A. Brides magazine, which she was on the cover of in a in a, you know, Brides outfit at 16. Oh my God.

That's so weird. And we found this, which is it's called Grinders and it's a rollerblading VHS. So this way, rollerblading VHS with her and writer and they're the hosts of it. So it's like, you'll go in the garage and find like these crazy nineties time capsules. But to her, she's just like, I don't know. This is the stupidest thing I've ever seen.

And I'm like, put it on the bookcase. What are they doing? Put in a 16 year old in a wedding dress on the cover of a magazine. But Hollywood was insane. I mean, it's still. Yeah, what I was saying is. Yeah, attention to the dailies. Then it was even crazier. Is it I actually have like a long time running phobia of California teenagers.

Do you think like, what is the essence of a California teenager? I always just think that they're cooler than the rest of the country. And like California teenagers surf and do drugs and have sex before everyone else does. Do you think that that's a completely made up thing in my mind? Or there's some merit in that? No, there's some merit in it. I mean, I was kind of a dweeb. I was very I'm still kind of square.

My wife was square. We're both kind of like as much as you think she was like, you know, chilling at the Chateau Marmont at 12 years old. She wasn't. But, you know, like, I don't I remember going to like tribe called quest shows when I was in late middle school, high school and seeing Leo to Leo to Caprio backstage, like smoking weed. And I was like, oh, yeah, I'm not like him at all. I like, I think they just lived a different lifestyle.

I was like making sure my mom didn't page me. So I was late. But at the same time, you were also back stage. At a track, no, no, no, no, no, no. I was a general. I was general admission looking on to backstage. No, I never I didn't have any connections like that. But there's a lot of culture.

I think American culture starts in California in this weird way that you guys are often times. I mean, even right now, I feel like all the TikTok stars and Vine stars are living in some weird mansion where where I'm just watching and be like, where the fuck are your parents? Like, why are you doing this? Yeah, that's a question I have a lot. I think, you know, I remember for a while when Vine was hot,

they there was this apartment complex on Vine that they all lived at. And I was like, number one, that kind of irony should not be even used. Like it's too ironic. They should just burn the house down. But yeah, I don't understand. I guess I guess we've met them like Danielle and I have been in situations, a charity event or something or she's friends. She was on this TV show called Girl Meets World, which was like a reboot

of Boy Meets World. And so she was on a television show that had young kids on it, like Sabrina Carpenter and and sort of like the new Hollywood. Now they went on to be in bigger things. And we hang out with them every once in a while. And I couldn't feel less. I feel like a narc. Right, right.

Like I'm literally like, hey, cool kids. Like I like literally am holding this skateboard and everything. I it's not for me. I'm scared of it as well. And then you see us and you're like, these guys are fucking losers. So it's like now I feel like a big cat's onto something like there's so many times and we've only been out in California a couple of times since we started the show. But we'll be driving down the street.

And I'll think to myself five times in a minute, you should be in school. That kid should be in school. Why isn't that right? Why is he up to that? He's nine kids eight and he's smoking a cigarette. Yeah. But that was pretty awesome. I don't want to smoke now, too. He could be like him.

Yeah, I just hand my my jewel over to him. Yeah, like you take it and steal it from you. Yeah, I read that you're a big L.A. Clippers fan. Is that true? I am. Sadly, yeah. Well, yeah, big come up for you in the last year. So congrats on that. Who who is the most famous?

Oh, Alex, you're facing this way. What's it like knowing that you will always be the second most favorite or famous Clippers fan to the kid from Malcolm in the middle? Frankie Munez was a huge Clippers fan. But I have been going to games before Munez was old enough to be a game. So I am used to obviously the Billy Crystal comparison or Khadim Hardison, who was a very big Clippers fan back in the day. But now you go and it's like Jay-Z and little Wayne and I've seen Drake at games.

I mean, it's it's literally it's almost become the ticket compared to Lakers games. So I I don't act like it's like the band that now plays Coachella. And I was into them when they were, you know what I mean? Like, I don't play that game. So I'm happy that it exists. I'm happy that they're a great team. I mean, I just I always wonder when they're talking shit about other teams. I'm like, you guys know how this ends, right?

Been here for 30 years. Like, we have to not gloat because this is going to come back to get even. Even just now, you said you're happy they're a great team. And it's like, obviously, we we don't know what would have happened at this year. But yeah, they've literally been a great team for like three months. And you could even argue that like that's up for grabs. I mean, Kwai's unbelievable. We hate the Clippers for what they did to Blake Griffin, our friend.

So my way of my friend as well. I've worked with him more than any any player. He's my favorite Clipper of all time. I did many of things with him from the SPs. We did a very weird live read of Space Jam here in Los Angeles, where he played Michael Jordan. Like we I've done a lot of comedy with him and it hurt my feelings. That's almost why you're hearing a little bit of that from me.

Yeah, is that I was such a big Blake guy and DeAndre as well. And so this is a new look Clippers. I will always feel a connection with the laundry, obviously. But Blake leaving was was a big deal for me. Yeah, so you are a little bit of a Clipster, which I would actually be. If I win your position to be like, hey, I remember these old days when things weren't so great and I was sure all the time. Now we got Kawhi, we got PG.

Do you think that the NBA is coming back? I will I do this podcast now called the No Sports Podcast. Seamus Segway. Thank you. Thank you. I've been doing this since kids songs, as you know. The No Sports Report, which is a podcast that I do where I interview athletes while they're in quarantine trying to figure out what they're doing. And I'll tell you this.

I have talked to people like Colin Sexton and, you know, basically I talked to Jay Williams about his weird cruise ship idea where he thinks everyone's going to be playing on a cruise. No bad idea. Awesome idea. You guys are a true improv class. Oh, we're in for that. No, we when people were sitting on that idea, we're like, what was he wrong about?

Eastern conference crews, a Western conference crew. There are things that he could. You could point out a lot of public health issues. Why? Why was wrong? But we don't want to say no to anything yet. There are no bad ideas until someone comes up with the perfect idea. Let's keep spitball. Yeah. Let's yes and everything.

I am not. I do not feel they're coming back. I think that the ideas that are being thrown around sound like they're just they're just pitches. But hold on. You're saying that because you have a podcast where you exclusively interview athletes that are in quarantine. So you have you have a vested commitment here.

Follow the money to be like a sports canceled forever. Tune into those sports podcast. So you're telling me, hold on. So you're telling me that you think you read that MLB story today about 100 games or whatever, all in conference, three home stadiums. That sounds like the most fictitious. It sounds like what happens after a bombing in 24. Here. Here's where I'm at with it.

I think we're fucked until the NFL season starts, because if there's one thing that we know is sports fans, the NFL doesn't really care about player safety. So I think they'll come back and then everyone will follow suit. I do like the idea that no matter what happens in sports, though, at the end of the year or at the end of our own existence, it will just be cockroaches and pro wrestling. Yes.

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You had my dream job for six months, and I was listening to an interview you did earlier when I was walking my dog and you said you didn't like it. So you were a writer for Monday Night Raw for six months. Yeah. And you're like, yeah, I didn't really like it. And I wanted to punch my phone when I heard you say that. It wasn't that I didn't know.

I like the job. I mean, listen, I was in situations that I would have died to do when I was 12 years old. I would have loved to tell Hacksaw Jim Duggan to yell ho louder. Like that was like my I literally if I had to write out what my job dream was at 12, that's it. But but truthfully, it's just traveling, man. I don't think you guys I feel like I have something with you guys

in a sense of traveling to three cities a week and sleeping very little. And it just I felt less creative by the day. And I mean, it's a circus, man. It's it's a true circus. Why did they make you travel to every city, though, if you're writing for the show? Well, I was there in 2005.

I've heard it's slightly different than now they have a home team and a traveling team. But but back then we were we were writing right to the last minute on the plane in the arena. So like they would have us working and producing with the wrestlers right till the so literally we went on air. So that was part of the writing job

is also producing on the spot. That I understand that aspect because when you do travel, it does like sap your creativity. You're when you're sleeping in different hotels and getting on planes, you just don't feel as creative. Do you did you ever sit in a room with Vince McMahon? Oh, I was on the plane every day with him.

He was we would go on the private plane. Oh, shit. Did you ever sneeze in front of him? No, but I saw people sneeze in front of him. What happened? They're dead. Honestly, I wouldn't be shocked if they just came up into a river right now. As you said their name, like you're speaking, like the undertaker, like you could just pop up.

No, he just looks at them like they're the grossest thing in the world. And like sort of like he even like mimics like the like the like their snot on him, like wiping it off. I'm like, it was just like a pantomime bit, but he also ate steak sandwiches every day. Did you know that story? No.

He eats these pieces of steak in a tortilla with ketchup every day. Every day? Every day. I never saw him eat anything else. Oh my God. What a man. He just like bare, just bare meat inside the tortilla. We're not talking any sort of salad or any vegetable inside. Like skillet pieces.

Did he ever look at you and be like, you know what would really help is a fucking round of HGH, dude? I guarantee you he looked at me every time and he just went, what a Jew. He had to have looked at me. I he always kind of respect. I think he always respected me

because my dad right before I left was like, you should buy a really nice suit. I was like, yeah, I have no money. He's like, I'll loan it to you. My dad didn't have any money either. But for some reason we scraped together dough and I bought a very nice suit to go out there. And Vince the first day was like, nice suit.

And I think from there, he just like thought I had a lot of money. You wore it every day. Yeah, you're a suit. This is the kid with the suit I was telling you that. Haven't washed it yet. Here's the Jew in the suit. That's gonna be so intimidating though,

flying on a private plane with Vince McMahon. I would freak. Yeah, it was crazy. I told the story recently and it weirdly made a lot of press. But I was always scared to fall asleep on the plane because Vince would throw almonds at people who fell asleep.

And I didn't, I like was kind of felt like it was bullying but I also liked Vince. So I was like, I'm okay with it but I still never like fell asleep once. It could be like two in the morning and I'm like shaking with my eyes wide open like clockwork orange. He's got a bazooka of almonds ready to go.

I feel like I read something about him doing that with Jericho at one point. Like he, Jericho would fall asleep on a plane and he would just like stack stuff on his body. Vince McMahon just doesn't like it when somebody loses control of their own body around him. Whether it's sneezing, yawning, sleeping. It's weakness.

You name it, it's weakness. It's a weakness. Yes. So is there a storyline that you came up with when you were a writer for WWE that they came back to you and they said, no, that's too outlandish? Yeah, I had a, I thought you were just gonna ask the ones I did

which are stupid too. But the one that I brought them, I liked this kid who was in developmental. At the time, we have like minor leagues. Now it's NXT, whatever, it's totally different. But back then we had like a AAA system and we would go down there every once in a while and work with them and then come back

and be like, we really like this guy. Like CM Punk who's become a friend out of that system that I would go there and be like, I love this dude. But there was another guy there named Chet Jablonski. And I think he's like a bouncer now. I don't think he, I know he's not in wrestling anymore. And he was like this Polish kid and I had helped craft this idea with him

where he's a super fan. And so he would like know, he knew everything about pro wrestling in real life. So if he was put up against someone, he would know all their stats, want to take a picture with them, like do all this stuff. But then as soon as the bell rang,

he would beat the shit out of him. And then when the bell rang again, he would then take pictures with them down on the ground. Like it seemed like a great place to start. And they were like, no. And then I followed up with an idea for a character named Perry Hodder, which was this very small wrestler

who thought he was, anyway, you don't want to hear that one. Both those ideas, both those ideas were very bad. Chet the jet, I'm looking them up right now. I like Jablonski. Jablonski, that's just a good bouncer name. If that's what he is, that's like what he was born to do. Yeah, Chet the jet, yeah. Chet the jet was his other character.

Yeah, yeah, Jablonski. I like the idea of somebody beating this shit out of an opponent because they know their history of matches and moves so well. Because they know exactly how to defeat them. So who's your favorite wrestler of all time? You can't say CM Punk, because you said you were good friends with him.

Yeah, my favorite wrestler of all time, that's a good question. I think, I mean, I don't know, my answer's so corny, but I guess it's so hard for me to say, because I really don't love anyone. I think they're all just kind of like, I guess, listen, Owen Hart's incredible. He was great.

I mean, I know the saddest death of all time, so it's hard to bring up, but I just always loved Owen. I thought he was funny and he was also just a good wrestler and kind of tough and could tell a joke. Yeah, yeah. And the rock is the greatest, I mean, obviously. Oh, yeah, stone cold.

Tough to disagree with the rock though. Both great. Those seem like givens. Yeah, I read that. You know, I took your boy, Rone, to a wrestling event. Yeah, well, I wanted to bring that up. I don't care about you going to a wrestling event with Rone. You, your bachelor party had CM Punk,

I think Paul Scheer from the league and a million other things. John Mayer ever heard of him and Adam Farone. Adam Farone, yes. How did he fit in? Tell us something embarrassing. Did he fall asleep? Even though we know Rone is like the coolest guy ever,

so I'm sure he did fine, but tell us something embarrassing about Rone. Well, we all, we did go to a wrestling event. That was what kind of like my bachelor party was in Chicago and Rone was great. He had never really done anything like wrestling before and he was just jazzed and taking tons of the social media photos and just having a great time.

And then we all, we had rented like a bus to go to the event and we all walk back to the bus and we didn't know where Rone was. He was gone and we waited 30 minutes for Rone. We had, we were going to leave without him. We had no idea where he was. And like you said, it's like John Mayer being like, where's your friend Adam Farone?

And we found out that Adam made friends at like a nearby gym. There was like a high school gym nearby and he smoked weed with them. And then he got back on the bus, but he made us wait for 30 minutes. Yeah. I mean, that sounds exactly like Rone. You can drop Rone off in any sort of environment

whatsoever. He'll be just fine. Yeah. He's the best. So, all right, so settle this debate for me because I co-host a radio show with Rone and he has, after every, after every bachelor party, everyone has that like group text message that's fired up for the bachelor party.

Then it's the, hey, where are you Rone? Like, why are you smoking weed with high schoolers? And then after it peters out a couple of days, whatever, do you think that if Rone texted John Mayer out of the blue, would John Mayer respond? We have a text message that still runs. Oh! And I-

Anyone been kicked off? No one's been kicked off. And I will tell you this, I will tell you this, it recently got renamed to the Rone Appreciation Group. Okay. Because we were all very into storm chasers. Oh, yes. And I posted it being like,

this is really funny and everyone got really into it. And I believe, though I would have to find it and screenshot it and send it to Rone so you guys could see it, I believe John wrote, this is the greatest thing I've ever watched. Incredible. Oh, interesting because that idea actually

was my boss and I came up with that idea like five or six years ago. So I'm gonna say John Mayer complimented me. Technically it's yours then. Yeah, even though I could never have done it and Rone and Caleb are way funnier than I am, I'm gonna say that's a half compliment from John Mayer to me.

Take it. You'll take it. Yeah, take it to the bank. Are you friends with Mark Hoppus? Yes. Yes. So is Mark feeling like a real big idiot knowing that Tom DeLong got the United States military

to release all these photographs and videos of UFOs? I will tell you this. I had a morning radio show until just four days in the pandemic, we were like kind of publicly fired. It made a bit of mainstream here in Los Angeles on a channel called K-Rock, which is like a legendary rock station.

And one of my last interviews was with Tom DeLong. And we were, it's such a great quote, and I wish he was on air, it was off air, but we were taking photos with him at the end. And one of my co-hosts said to him, do you ever get tired of people telling you you're crazy? And he said, they don't do it anymore. And he's like, but they did for many years.

And he goes, it's been a couple of good years to be Tom DeLong. Yeah, yeah, it really has. Like total vindication. Yeah, it felt like a really nice, I mean, I guess there is a team mark, whatever. There's not really a team mark team, Tom, but at one point it was kind of like that division in the band.

But I think at this point, everyone just has to say, Tom DeLong, though it comes from a crazy medium, clearly is onto something. Yeah, I think that band meant so much to so many people that yeah, some people took sides during the whole divorce, but for the last five years, everyone's just been like, please get back together. We just want them back together for the kids.

And I think that's the end of it. Didn't we make, well, I mean, not make, but I mean, we turned Mark onto Rhone's pop punk band, pop punk or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah, we made him tweet at him. Yeah, yeah, yeah, we made him tweet. There you go. Sweet circle of life.

Yeah, all these circles, good, getting connected here. You also have a book. Let's talk about that real quick. So the book is called, what does, what was the name of the book? It's Kanye West owes me $300? Yeah, Kanye West owes me $300. It's the story about how I had this record deal.

That's just one story. The Kanye West thing is kind of a click bait title. That's a great title. That's maybe the greatest book title ever. I know I haven't read it because I don't really read books, but I've thought about reading it. That's good enough for me.

And yeah, and the book just tells the story about me being a teenage rapper who gets this record deal at Interscope and then having a bit of a mental breakdown in the midst. And it was a failure in my mind for a long time to sort of like something I wouldn't want to address. And then I kind of sat down and wrote out this book and I felt, I felt my own vindication, my own Tom DeLong UFO vindication about it

and felt really good getting it down. And people have sort of connected with it in the sense that, you know, all of us have sort of hit a dead end and this is a tale of me not finishing, but instead making like a U-turn. Okay, I like that. So just the process of you sitting down and writing it

actually made you feel better and help you move on from that point? A hundred percent. Not even like a question. I mean, I spent 10 years in therapy talking about how I want to get rid of this thing. And then I wrote a book and now I enjoy talking about it. It's a completely different experience for me.

Did Kanye ever hit you up? No, but... But he listens to this podcast, so we'll tell him. He's a big part of my take, guys? Yeah, no. No. I know he's a big pizza review guy. I'm shocked to hear part of my take.

No, he, okay, so when I was getting ready to promote the book, I had an idea and these two companies offered me $5,000 each. And we were gonna say, if someone can get Kanye to give me the $300, we'll give you 10 grand. And that was such a funny idea to me. Like, give me 300, I'll give you 10 grand. Yeah.

It was such a funny, great, he's always around, you could just go up to him and get the 300. I thought it was just a funny bit. And the book company was like, we'll call your lawyer and see if it's okay. So I call my lawyer and my lawyer is like, no, that's a terrible idea.

People get killed for way less than $10,000. That is so dumb. That's true. It's so dumb. And so I didn't think of that. And so I told a couple of people that idea and one guy goes, you can just ask him. And I go, oh, good.

Like laughing. And he goes, cause he's just right in there. And he just points to a door and I go, what are you talking about? He's like, he's in there. He's taking a meeting. And I go, he's in that room. And I go, yeah, I'm not going in there to tell him.

And they go, well, why don't we pitch him it? And we'll let you know. I think he's going to want to do it. And I go, well, listen, I haven't seen him in 10 years, but the Kanye I know would never do this. This is against everything he, they go, I think he's going to do it. I go, all right, well, I'll go home and you call me,

whatever, let me know. Couple hours pass, they don't call me. I email them, they don't call me back. It becomes like eight PM and I get a call on my phone. They go, yeah, Kanye's not into it. I go, yeah, no shit, man, I told you, he wasn't going to be into it. And so Kanye said, I'm happy to hear

that Jensen's doing well, but you know, I don't, I feel like it's manipulative. And I was like, yeah, no, it's totally exploitative and manipulative, that's the whole joke. And, and then he tweeted, he tweeted something along the line. It's a paraphrase, but that same day, about four hours before he tweeted,

don't use me for any of your marketing schemes. And I was like, yeah, that's definitely about me. You got sub three by Kanye West. I feel like that's worth more than 300 bucks. Yeah, yeah, most likely. Tell you what, the book, the book was already printed. Yeah. We'll, we'll have Glenny Balls put like,

pay him $300 into one of his Boozen Burgers reviews. And when Kanye watches that, then we'll accept him into paying you. Yes, yes, huge fan, huge fan. I read that you lasted 45 days on a freestyle competition on the radio. Is that true? Is that 45 straight battles?

Yeah, that's how I got my, that's how I got my record deal. I was on a radio show here in LA, Power 106. And it was just like a dumb regional radio contest. You guys had it in New York as well. It's called the Roll Call, like Ed and Dre used to do it. And it was just like dudes rap battling back and forth. It's just the stupidest regional radio,

but I used to take it pretty serious and just kill people. Like, even if they were like 11 years old, I just would destroy them. I didn't care. I just thought it was funny. And, and then yeah, the most wins before me was like 10. And then I won 45 and I left, I was at USC, going to USC at the time.

And I had to go do finals. So I just was like, I can't do this anymore. And Jimmy Iveyne was there basically when I walked off and gave me the record deal. That's why Ron and I get along so well as we kind of have similar origin stories. Yeah, 45 days. Do you ever run out of words?

Yes. Yeah. How many times did you rhyme Bacardi with party over the span of 45 days? Dude, I ran it, there's a story in the book. And it's, it's totally true is that I was freestyling and rapping because they would also make me rap after the battles. They go, okay, now you go.

I just did the, I, no, you have to do it again. And so I one day was like, and I know this next line is going to cause a bunch of beef. And I was like, I don't have anything. I don't have anything. And that's like such a promise. That's like such a promise. You know what I mean?

Like this next, oh my God. Like they, and everyone's like, you know what I mean? Like there's like a baited, baited breath to hear this next line. And I go, I would rather die than ever do a song with Tyrese. Oh. Which like, which was just a stupid,

it just rhymed with beef. I didn't even, I don't even care about Tyrese. I think he's corny, but like whatever. And, and everyone laughed. And then I did it again the next day cause I thought it was funny to just keep picking on Tyrese. And then eventually he called in the station.

And was he like, what the hell is this guy doing to me? Yeah, he wasn't happy. Yeah. Cause I pretended I knew him and stuff. Basically they were like, what do you, they were like laughing. They're like, what do you have against Tyrese? I was like, he'll know. Like I was totally joking around.

And then he called in, he's like, why is he hate me? Is there some story? He was like real into it. And I, I like a bitch was like, no, there's nothing. I made it up. It just rhymes with beef. Yeah, you owe me $500 Tyrese. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Have you ever battled wrapped against Ron? Yes, we battled. Well, I had a TV show called drop the mic on Turner. And I hired Ron as a writer because I thought he was just tremendous. And he, I mean, if you don't hire him to do it, who do you get? And, yeah, sure.

Listen, I love Sharon as well. No, all right. Fuck Sharon. Fuck Sharon. Listen, both nice kids. But Ron is between. We ride with Ron. Listen, Adam Frone went to my bachelor party.

We know where I ride. Yeah. Say, say, fuck, Ron. Listen, Ron, Ron, Ron comes out and he is writing with us. And we hire Hailey Baldwin, who at the time is not famous at all. She's unknown. She's just, I guess she's Baldwin's kid.

And we thought she'd be great and pre Bieber, all that stuff. And she needed to do a test. And so we needed to put her out in front of the court in audience at the James Corden late late show to see if she can handle being in front of an audience. And so Ron and I decided we would write battles against each other as the test. And Hailey would introduce me, then Ron and whatever.

And I took it very serious. So I sat down and wrote all my stuff out. Ron wrote his stuff out, but also I'm his boss. Yeah. So like it makes for like a terrible situation. So the first time I destroyed him, I got him great in the first test. And then we had to do another test

and he had rewritten his stuff and he killed me. Okay. Kind of a serious question about that. Like if you're battle rapping against one guy that works for you and it's part of his job to write these battle raps and you just eviscerate him and you treat him like a donkey and you just beat him down.

Are you worried that he's gonna like sue you? Obviously not with Ron, but like with another type of employee. What type of contract do you have to get somebody assigned for that? Well, I mean, if you want to get really inside baseball about this, do you? Yeah, sure.

Yeah, absolutely. There was a lawsuit that you guys should definitely research if you want to have fun. The friend's writer's room had a massive lawsuit from a writer's assistant, I believe, because of the things that they said back and forth. And it ended up that the writer's assistant lost because the writer's room is considered a place

for like safe haven creativity. This is our contract. If this is why everyone blasted us because we had the friend's clause in our contract at Barstool being like, we're in a creative spot, like jokes get made. If we say that Hank can't get an erection, you know, for three years running totally as a gag.

It's a joke. It's a joke. It's a joke. Hank can't do anything about it. Yeah. Yeah. And so that's I think that's pretty much how Hollywood runs at this time. So I don't get. But I had my wife on the show. My wife battled Jonathan Lipnicki,

the kid from Jerry Maguire. Yep. And it was very cute because the writer's room, I was I think I was the head writer at that time and the writers room dropped off the lyrics and they go, I don't know, man, we found these outside at a tree who is under a tree. They're all about your wife, man.

It was just jokes they wrote about my wife. But but listen, I come from a place where rap battling is all jokes, man. I mean, same as as you guys breaking balls. Like it's just I mean, that's how you know you like someone. Right. It's true. It's true. All right. This has been awesome, man. The No Sports podcast.

You know, it's called the No Sports report. No Sports report. Technical name. Yeah. Do you guys stick to sports during the No Sports report or do you not talk about any sports? We talk about sports, but we also mostly focus on things like like we had Sugar Ray Leonard on and we talk a little bit about boxing, but also I talk to him about what A.A. meetings

are like in quarantine because these people can't meet up and talk about not drinking and stuff. And I talked to Al Harrington about his weird weed business, you know, and Gavin Lux. We talk about what shoes he's buying on StockX. You know, like we don't have to talk about what's on the field. We talk about just what we're doing in this weird time. And you started this as soon as coronavirus started.

So do you feel like you're exploiting coronavirus? Yeah. All the money does not go. I was going to make a joke about money not going to charity, but it actually does. Oh, fuck you. Eating America.org. Are you serious? Yeah, it really does.

You guys take like 10% off the top, though, right? This is what art dealing does for you. You just give your money away. No, I mean, listen, the money does go. And we just partnered up with I Heart Radio, which we're really excited about. And that was bullshit. That was bullshit.

What you just did because like you're like a genuinely good guy. And it's like you feel bad. Yeah, we were busting balls and you you just took it. You went over the top on us. You're like, yeah, actually, I do give it all to charity. Don't worry, man. We're in a creative context. I can't take it out on you.

Damn. You also hate Blake Griffin like we kind of secretly do because I love so good at sports and so funny and such a good actor. It just does suck how funny it is so inadequate. Yeah. And he's also Blake of the Year. So he he wrote. We did the SPS when Drake was the host that year.

I was the writer on that year and Blake and Drake did a sketch together called Blake and Drake. And no matter what we wrote for Blake, he would just say something funnier in the moment. It was like he should be writing comedy for a living, but he's coincidentally just very good at sports. He's the man. Yeah, when you're writing to be able to dunk a basketball.

When you were writing for Drake, was he like, hey, this is perfect because I don't write my own stuff normally. At that time, I think we all thought he wrote stuff. Oh, OK. But I listen, I watched him write stuff. I don't know. He's another. What is it? You physically watched him write it.

Yes. OK. We got confirmation. OK. Wow. I saw him write raps. Yes. OK. That's huge with your own two eyes, with my own two eyes. He wrote it, dude. It's also another great YouTube dive. He did a song called no or side pieces for the Espeys that year about about this song is not for the your number ones.

It's for your number twos. And he wrote most of that. I wrote some of the jokes as well. So did Bashir and Diallo, two great writers. But yeah, Drake, man, he's a he was a musical little genius with it. I watched him do it. OK. All right. All right. You stand up. Well, you gave him his best lines.

No, I don't think I gave him his best lines. But if that gives me the DJ air horn from you guys, I will take it. Yeah. Yeah. I wrote all the best lines. Jensen, this has been awesome, man. We really appreciate you joining us. Yes. Thank you guys. You're welcome back any time. Everyone go check out the No Sports Report

where he just gives all his money away while we sit here just keeping all of our money. You're a better person than us. You're giving away, you know, trinkets from your garage and you have like 17 adopted dogs and all this stuff. So you're you're just the best, man. Are you still paying your dog, Walker? Oh, I'm not. No, no, no, no, we are.

Well, well, well, well, he's he's been furloughed. Well, yeah, that is fucked up, man. Two jobs. You're like the fucking Sixers. No, man. Oh, by the way, for furloughed was also a pun just for the record. No, I I do want to say that I think I think you guys. Is everyone still working for you guys? Is everyone still coming in?

No, no, we literally are the only people that come in like twice a week. But no one. I mean, it's kind of amazing. You guys work at a media company that hasn't done anything. Like, well, people are still making content. They're doing stuff from their houses. Oh, that's what I'm saying. I'm saying like, it's incredible

that people are still making content. He's not like furloughing people and not letting go of people. Correct. You guys are still doing great. Yeah, we're very lucky. They don't write that story about us. The haters don't write that story. No, no, no. I know. Well, I appreciate it for one.

I yeah, we're we basically just find different ways to create like magical worlds. Nothing's real anymore. No. PFT's dog broke the Gronk news. I'm I'm the offensive coordinator for USC. I saw that. So like nothing's real anymore, but we've created a like a fabricated side life

that now sustains everything. It's going to be weird coming back to it. We spent like an hour on on Twitch the other day watching the DVD logo bounce around on the screen. It's stupid, but it's good. Yeah, I did. I watched a little. Are you guys watching any of the baseball stuff or no? What what baseball like the show tournament?

Oh, no, no, no. I thought we're talking about the Taiwanese stuff where they have the cardboard cutouts. No, I forgot how deep you guys go. No, no, I'm more service level. Just watching, you know, Dennis Smith, Junior, whoever play. Yeah. But yeah, no, whatever. Watch horse. Watch whatever dumb shit.

No horse. Horse sucks. Horse sucks. Horses terrible. Horse was so bad. And it showed you how how big Mike Conley's gym is. What a joke. Yeah. Yeah, he should be a better shooter. He should be a better everything with that gym. He should be a better dad.

He should be a better friend. I think he's actually a really good guy. Yeah, he's your guy. He's just a rich as hell. OK, you guys hate Blake Griffin, but love Mike Conley. No, we also love Blake, but there's OK, you know, you always have to look sideways. A guy like that.

That's so much better than everybody at everything. Yes, yes. All right. Well, Jensen, thank you so much, man. Really appreciate it. Thank you guys. Big fan. Thanks, man. Vincent Karp was brought to you guys by Stitch Fix. I love my Stitch Fix. It is one of the things I look forward to every single month

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That's stitchfix.com slash PMT, 25% off when you keep everything in your fix. That's stitchfix.com slash PMT. Okay, let's do a quick segment before we get to our Mount Rushmore. First up, we have Embrace the Bait. He's Michael Jordan, a loser. Should we play the audio?

All right, so Hank sent us this and it's quite a point by Mike Felger. I think that it's one of those things that are like, yeah, you know, in his way, is he making money or not? And I don't know if he is or he isn't, but I think that's the way he judges it. Now he's probably individually competitive still. I think Jordan's turned into a loser is what I think.

I think as a player on the floor, ultimate winner, great competitor. I'm not taking anything away from him there. As a man in this stage of his life, he feels like a loser to me. I mean, he's an absolute disgrace as an owner, a loser as an owner. And what's his personal,

like what's his gambling situation? Does he still have a gambling problem? I don't know. That house looks pretty awesome to me. He looks like he's living a life. Good question. I don't know. So what does that mean, Murray?

I don't know. Like based on watching this thing, he looks like he's living large. I don't know. It doesn't look come off as a loser to me. Well, but no, but does he have a gambling problem? I don't know. Probably still.

I don't know that he would ever shake that. I just, he might be one of the few guys though that that will never catch up with. There were, I think that doesn't he still make something absolutely absurd from Nike every year? Yeah. But if he loses millions of dollars a year at a blackjack table, I don't know.

That's a winner. If you can afford it, everyone should have advice or two. I get it. Again, Murray, I go like, what's in your head? Like that's cool. I have no problem with it. A gambling addict? If he can afford those kind of losses

and he enjoys it, more power to him. Oh, I think it's sick. I think it's a disease sickness. I think it's gross. Is Michael Jordan a loser? Embrace debate. This is quite, it's a take. It's a take.

It's a take quick. Does Michael Jordan being so rich that he can gamble millions of dollars and still be rich make him a loser? I would say absolutely not. I'd say his track record with the wizards and Charlotte would be more apropos to bring up and calling him a loser.

But still, no, I think it's safe to say that Michael Jordan is not a loser. But hold on, PFT, what about the fact that his shoes are iconic and still like highly sought after 20 years after he played in the NBA and he has probably millions and millions, probably a billionaire in terms of his brand. That surely makes him a loser.

Well, he's also a winner when it comes to being a meme all the time. He's like, he's become re-relevant. Well, he cried, but then he got rid of the cry because he re-meamed himself. And then in the last episode of The Last Dance, he became a meme again, looking down at his phone. So he just can't stay out of the meme life.

He's a meme's wet dream. It's just such a great take that you're like, hey, you know what, this Jordan thing, like everyone's saying he's awesome. Let's just go the other way and say he's a fucking loser. Well, it's good to know, like he doesn't have, you know, the, to trap the Red Sox or the Bruins or Celtics right now. And it's good to know he's still getting his work in

when there's sports not going on. Yes. He's keeping his fiery takes alive. Is there anybody alive that is less of a loser than Michael Jordan? I don't think there is. I really don't. No, I don't think so.

There's no, he is the definition of the word winner. Yes. Yeah, I would say so. In like, he's synonymous with winner more than probably any athlete, maybe besides Tiger Woods. It's like Tiger and Jordan winners. Tiger took a way more bigger L. Jordan, yeah.

Jordan never won who's now though. True. That's true. Still chaps his ass to this day. I also have a, I have an embraced debate from. Bless you, Bubba. What's going on there, Bubba? Yeah, it is actually, they updated the symptoms, dude.

Kent Sterling, who's Kent Sterling? Oh, yeah. Kent Sterling, he's my guy because he's, he comes out with a take quake every now and again. When he gets bored, I think he's the guy that has a website that has a whole section called truth. That's how you know that a guy is firing some preposterous takes.

Did you see this one? I did. Yeah, so he said, does it make sense for NFL players dealing with the potential for developing CTE and other critical injuries to care much about contracting coronavirus? I love this take because it's one step closer to the eventual take that a lot of people are gonna adapt,

which is, we're all gonna die anyways, so who cares about coronavirus? Yeah, what's the point? Why sit around and be like, oh, coronavirus is gonna get us, we're all headed for the same place? And also, this guy definitely does not believe in CTE. No.

But he's still dropping it as an argument when it suits him. Right, it's convenient to have. Which is great, this is a take Smith. It's very smart to then be like, hey, this is actually how it's gonna work. You can appreciate the beauty in a perfect take and not agree with the person saying it. Yes.

And with a guy like Kent Sterling, even though he sucks and he's dumber than a bag of donkey shit, he'd still deliver some takes. An opportunist take to the max. Yes. All right, should we do our Mount Rushmore? All right, Mount Rushmore of things we think when we're high. Not a flush more.

Not a flush more. Hey, Kat, you go first. Well, my first first is not even my first. My first is trying to think of things that I think when I'm high. That was actually the fourth thing I had on my list. Actually, that's, yeah, that's, no, that's my first one. Trying to think of things. Because that's all I'm thinking about right now is like,

what do I think about when I'm high? Which is, what do I think about when I'm high? Right? When I'm high, you would be thinking that. Right. Right now. Right this second. I'm thinking, what do I think?

You got me? Yeah, but. What do I? This is a specific situation. Yeah, but. Like when you're normally high, you're not like. No, but it's like he's trying to put himself in a different mindset. He's like, what do I think about?

When I'm high and I'm high right now. So it's like inception. It's an idea. So the thing of like, hey, what do I think about when I'm high? Well, I'm thinking about what do I think about when I'm high right now? It's true. And he loves doing it. It's not general, but it is true.

It's the only thing in my brain right now. Literally the only thing in my brain. All right, Hank. Hank's so bridges, but we'll get to that. You know what? Hank's spooked by that comment. Yeah. I still don't think you understand.

He's trying to come back. No, I do. I get it. I get it. I'm going to draw pictures for you. It's not a general thought that you have when you're usually high, but in this moment, you are. Correct.

And you've had that thought, so it counts. So I get it. My first one. And it's like what I think about. Like I'll usually like replay inconsequential conversations or like things. But under the guise of like, I'm being interviewed by Joe Rogan or like on a late night. So it'll be like, oh, like, you know, you nailed your, your Mount Fleshmore's of appetizers and like, you know, those guys don't get it.

And then like, I'll throw a punchline and everyone will laugh. And it's like, that's usually anything. When I'm thinking back on what happened, I'm just like, I'll think about it like through the eyes of an animal. I love it. I love that you put yourself in your own little highlight reel. Yeah. That's awesome.

Yeah. That's good. You're your own biggest cheerleader. I always think it's so weird that I have a wild animal that lives in my house that somehow loves me, but it's a wild animal that could kill me at any moment. And he's just my friend. Yup. That's right.

Yeah. Isn't that crazy though? Yeah. Sometimes think about that. Oh Hank, you just sparked something in Hank's brain. This could be. Yeah. It could be a kind of complicated nature a little bit.

Yeah. You've tamed it. Mm hmm. Mm hmm. Or it's tamed you. Yeah. Or who's saved too? Yeah.

Who feeds who every day? Mm hmm. Who pays for the other person's rent? Who picks up the other guy's shit? You have two. You have two. Oh, I got two. Yeah.

My second one, this is a pretty general one, but I think it'll speak to a lot of people. This is crazy. This is crazy. Just thinking this is crazy. That was crazy. That was crazy. Mm hmm. This, but this, right now, this is crazy.

Liam, Liam, make sure you blur this. Again, that's another, yeah, I get it. This is crazy. You don't think about how crazy it is? This meaning like life or this current moment. Just everything. Everything, yeah, stuff can be crazy. Literally everything can be crazy.

Don't think about it too much. It's crazy. It is crazy. It's crazy that we're here right now and like the state of New York is crazy. The state of New York is shut down out of something we didn't know about two, three months ago. Everything. That's crazy.

Right. Your name's Henry. That's fucking crazy. That is crazy. Time. It's been, it's been years. There are six, seven billion people on this earth and somehow we're the ones that ended up in this tiny room together.

Mm hmm. It's crazy. This is really one. One of us could have, one of us could have fucking got hit by a car when we were like 13 and just none of this were to happen. Mm hmm. Or like what, like, what, like, what were our, that's pretty crazy. That's wild.

Right. It is wild. It's, that's fucking crazy. It's all so crazy. Did any of our ancestors ever interact? Like our great, great, great grandparents or like some shit like that where it's like, yeah. That's kind of weird.

That's crazy to think about. Yeah. You think about that? No, I just thought that. Oh, okay. Is that your second? No. My third, oh, well, no.

My second one is where's my cell phone? Mm hmm. Yeah. Even though it's usually like, especially when I'm in a car, like it's usually on my lap and then I can't find it and I step up and it falls off. Yeah. That's a good one. Or like, is that my cell phone?

If you think that you feel a buzz? Yeah. Yeah. Phantom buzz. The Phantom buzz. Mm hmm. That's crazy, Hank. I have one similar to that, Hank, is when you're really high.

It's maybe not like regular high, but like, am I wet? Like am I wet right now? Like, am I socks wet? Yeah. Because I feel like they could be a little wet. Am I sweaty? Yeah. Yeah, like, oh, like, did I piss myself a little?

I don't know. Did I just get out of the shower? You can always just kind of feel, like ask yourself right now, as you guys certainly are. Ever. Are your shoes wet at all? No. Just a little bit?

If you feel? If you feel your feet? No. No, really feel your toes. Are they wet? No. What if you just think about your foot? Like really wiggle your toes.

They don't feel a little wet? No. All right. My feet. Look at it. Hank, I want you to do this. Look at it and say, do my feet feel wet? And then just give it a second and see if you actually start to think that.

Just really hone in on the feet being wet and they're wet. I feel like I'm walking in buckets. Everywhere I step, I'm like a cartoonist. It's like bucket of water, bucket of water, bucket of water. It's just like your whole body? Are you? No, it just travels. But the crazy thing is.

If you back your brain feels wet. I think that's just a sweaty person thing, because I've never, I don't even think I've ever even. I'm not sweating at all right now. Yeah, you're dry. I have another one. I have another one. Am I wet?

Am I wet? Am I currently wet? I do often time. I guess I would just in a bigger picture would be like engineering is fucking crazy, man. Like it's so crazy. And we just accept it all. Buildings, bridges. It's hot.

Yeah. I think that's like how. How do we build those things? Those minds are so advanced and their job is to just put stuff together until it gets huge tunnels. Yeah. Don't you guys think though that the people that did it before technology were even smarter? Oh, yeah.

Like the fucking cities and the pros. The guys being dudes sitting on the steel beam. Yeah. They built the Empire State Building. Those guys probably weren't the ones that like were behind it all. I'm pretty sure like a million people died trying to build the Brooklyn Bridge. Yeah. That's like the old comparing old school NBA to today's game.

It's like back in the 1900s our engineers were more physical. Right. They could actually get out and get shit done. Einstein, yeah. Right. Yeah. Now these nerds are too soft. Dude.

I mean like think of the biggest building. Think of the building in Dubai. What about how? How do they do that? How? What about bridges where the columns go like all the way to basically the bottom of the ocean? Yes.

How do they put that shit in there? Dude, how about the bridge in Florida that's like seven miles long? Yes. The one that just keeps going. That was scary. At some point a guy was like, I can connect these two things. He's like, dude, you can't even see it. Right.

That's crazy. That is nuts. Those are the big bridges where they go, where they're like so long that they, that you really go up and go down. It's, it's its own mountain. Right. Yeah. Those blow your mind.

Awesome. I'm scared of bridges. Me too. Just yeah. Thinking about bridges. I'm pretty good. I'm on a pretty good spot right now with bridges like life wise, but yeah, I could see how you can be scared.

Which one Russian trick walking video and it will ruin it for the next one? I know. I always think about like a really long tunnel. Like what if you got stuck in a really long tunnel? This one's kind of fucked up. That's way worse than a bridge. It just sparks my, my imagination, but similar kind of, I guess to the first one, but sometimes like I think I'm in a final destination movie.

Like when I go over a bridge, I'm like, you just, you're like, oh, not only is this bridge going to collapse, but it's like kind of a beam is going to come through like the door and like you're going to fall out. Everyone else is going to die. Like now do you think that I imagine the worst and then I like over like, I literally think like when I, I was telling someone about this when I was, because I didn't hear about final destination until I was telling someone about this, like, oh, like, like final destination. I was like, what do you imagine the script to final destination?

Pretty much like parallel minds. That's awesome. So you, did you just think that there was something out to get you that was controlling all these things? What do you mean? Like how did you think that you were, did you think that you were living in just the unluckiest timeline where all this stuff could happen to you? Or did you feel like there was somebody that was trying to kill you?

No, I would just be like high and like how I also have a paranoia of bridges and I'd be like, I'm high, like this bridge is going down, but then I would be like, I, you think like you imagine how the bridge is going to go down and would you do like that in the back in not really the timeline of it, but just the concept of looking your rear view and it's just like going down step by step as you stay in front of it. Like Heinz Ward running the kickback in Dark Knight. That was sick. Illegal block in the back.

Was it? Yeah. If you watch the script, it's egregious. Um, was that your second? That was my third one. Third. Okay. Uh, my third one is, did I just hear something?

I think I hear stuff sometimes. I'm like, was that, was that something I heard? No. The things, the birds and the, but I just think. Yeah. Yeah. I get a little startled. You hear it and then you don't hear it, but it's definitely was there.

Yeah. I guess I'm so low on that one. No, no, no, no, I'm with you on that one. I'm with you on that one. Did I just hear something? It's definitely like, wait, what was it? Yeah. Huh?

Yeah. You can now you see what I'm saying. Hank, I think what we're finding out is Hank is just no, I mean, what do you mean? Well, no, I think you're better at like, you're better at being high if you don't think you're wet. I guess so. I do think I do that. The here, the here thing is, is facts.

Yeah. So wait. So we've got you thinking that everything's going to kill you. We're going to try to remember all these right now because I'm trying to remember where Hank went with all these. There was one that was, oh, you get interviewed based on your day. That's a great one. What was the third one you've had so far?

Final destination. Final destination. Okay. He wrote the script to final destination. Yeah. I'm caught. My brain is constantly writing the script to final destination. Okay.

I'm liking these so far. Yeah. And then the other one. Wait, wait, wait. I got one more. The last one is everyone can tell that I'm high. Wow. If I'm out in public or like broadcast on something, I always just, I think that everyone that

I'm talking to is like, wow, that guy's really stoned. Yes. Yes. I'd agree with that one. Me as well. My fourth one, which was kind of sparked by PFT's dog one is just like basically just all animals and like evolution of like, like you watch a planet Earth and when they cover one like mammals, like big cats and you're like, damn, like at one point, like there

was just like two cats. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. And now there's like, and like dogs. Yes. You know, like way, way, way, way back in the day. Yeah.

Like there was like two dogs and now there's like. And they didn't look like the dogs that are here today. At all. At all. They were like the friendliest wolves. Right. And when they show like wolves are basically like dog, you know what I mean? Like they'll do something.

Like actually wolves are like very like loving creatures and they really like love their families or whatever. Like, and you're like, oh, wow, like a wolf is basically a dog, which is basically it's just great. Right. I like that one. I have a similar. So clearly we all think of animals, but I oftentimes think what, what if all the animals

actually understood what we were saying, but just, just ignored us. It was like understood between all of them. Yeah. Like a mouse can know exactly what we're saying right now, but they're like, no, the minute they figure out that we know shit's going to get crazy and they can't talk back. Is it? Do they not want to talk back or they're not like that part? I haven't figured out.

Okay. But I just wonder like what or if it was like, what if they can understand us like a movie where it's like the aliens that they came down activated it and then that would be like, I'm pretty sure there probably is a movie where it's like all of a sudden like the aliens come and flip a switch or they're like, all right. All your pets hate you. No. All you can all talk.

Like they're all going to interact with you now. Or what pets are are basically like the listening devices for the aliens. Now that there you go. They're sent. They're spies. Yeah. Pets have infiltrated up until right now. It was too obvious for all of us to willingly put robots in our kitchen.

So we had to do it the old school way with pets. Right. Just calling them robots is like a heat check for tech. They're like, we've worked this out. Can we get them free will? If we can, if we can just say, will you put this listening device in? That would be crazy. Yes.

Yeah. I don't know. Maybe, I mean, it would, I just, I think we all think about animals. Yeah. I sometimes think like obviously what would my, what does my dog think right now? I want to know what my dog would say to me. Does my dog think I'm lazy? Right.

I think about clothes, like what happened to that sweatshirt? And then you general? Yeah. Just like, oh, remember when I owned that? Yeah. Just like, where did it go? What, what, that actually be really interesting, like a 23 and me for your old clothes. You'll be sick.

She's like, I had this awesome sweatshirt 15 years ago. I don't know. Exactly. Do you think you could name like your file? You're like, I wouldn't, I wouldn't have thrown that away, but, but where is it? No, my shirts, I don't care about my shirts. But do you think like if you were to try to go back to like seventh grade and say, these were my five favorite fits I was knocking off in seventh grade?

I don't remember that. I think up until like middle school, for sure, like going into third grade, I had some fits that I was like, all right, like cargo pants, Hawaiian shirt, like I'm getting buns in third grade. I got, I had the sick Adidas t-shirt, like a big ass Adidas logo, not just a regular size one. I wore that in eighth grade, like every day it was pretty sick. We're like, dude, that guy plays soccer.

Who's like this guy? Yeah. This guy's, this guy's watched European television before. I love it. Yeah. Adidas was kind of cool like that. It's like, we do stuff different. Adidas.

All day, I dream about browns. Have you seen that shirt? Yeah. Across the phone. Yeah. It says Adidas, but then it says S Browns. What, do we have any other things that we think about when we're high? Let's see.

When's the next time that I have to work? I do like a countdown. Yeah. And that usually is like, oh wait, it was actually, I forgot I was supposed to be working when I got high. Right. Shit. I hope they can't tell I'm high.

I got a bummer one. Do you guys ever think about like friends or family and you're like, I'm only going to see them X, it's the Aziz thing. He did the, his, his stand up, he's like, I might only see my parents. 50 more times. Yeah. Yeah. I do it like, like group texts.

I go to my friends like, damn, like, I like, I haven't talked to him forever and it's like, oh man, like I was pretty tight with him. Right. You're like, oh, like four years ago, but then like, damn, that was a long time ago when we were like together all the time, like it's been a while like, fuck shit, man. I think about lifestats about like somewhere. Oh yeah. There should be somebody or they should be a statistical database that can tell me the

answers to things like how many times have I tied my shoes in my life? Yes. I was thinking about this the other day. How many steps do you think you've taken? Yeah. I would love to know that data. And I sometimes look at my son and I'm like, dude, you haven't even used your feet yet. Yeah.

That's crazy. You should start counting for him. He'll thank you one day. If you have a log of how many steps though, I was trying to think about it like, all right. So you'd probably take, you take no steps till you're, I don't know, one and then you probably take a limited amount of steps till you're seven. Yeah. But then you start stepping.

You step all the way through like when you graduate high school. Like think about being a little kid. There was a lot of steps in the day like playing. What happens when you graduate high school? Well then you get lazy. Some people get jobs. Well, again, you go to college, you get lazy. Yeah.

If you get jobs, you might work at a desk, you step less. I stepped, I've stepped more, dude, in the last five years than I did in the previous five years. If you go to college, you step more, it's bigger campus. Well, yeah, if you go to college, if you go to class, I had a moped for a year. I just didn't go. And then I just broke, I just left it. But if you're in high school, you're expected to walk long distances all the time.

The second you enter the corporate world, no, like back when I was walking, frowned upon in the corporate world, they want to keep you alive as long as possible, suck you fucking dry. Chain you to that desk. We don't want you straight. You're not cage free. But yeah. We just chapeau trap house.

We'd walk places. We'd walk to like the fucking like I'm going to walk to the ball. That's two hours of my day that I was committing to walk there, hang out and then walk back. Once you get to college, if you're not going to class, big cats, right? You just chill in your dorm room because you don't have parents yelling at you to get out of the house. Yeah. But then you're like, yo, we got to go to this party, but we don't like we don't have

a car. We're going to walk. It's like a mile. Be like drunk. Yeah. Yeah. We didn't realize we didn't get anywhere closer to figure out how many steps we took. Love you guys.

We're going to go to this party, but we don't like we don't like we don't like we don't like we don't like we don't like we don't like we don't like we don't like we don't like we don't like we don't like we don't like we don't like we don't like we don't like we don't like we don't like we don't like we don't like we don't like It's part of my take presented by bar. Stool Sports.