Parenting Hell with Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe - ⚽ A story for another time...⚽

Episode Date: August 24, 2026

Welcome to episode two of Footballing Hell... where every Monday Rob and Josh discuss the weekends football (or the bits that interest them) in the only way they know how. Chaotically, with not enough sleep, prep or insight... This week we (sort of) discuss (some of) the opening fixtures of the PL season. Including Arsenal's win against newly promoted Coventry and why a football season should not start on a Friday night. Elsewhere, is it always funny when a big team is rubbish? And did Alan Shearer get that new top on MOTD as a birthday present? Enjoy!! If you want to get in touch with the show you can; Email us: [e-mail] And follow us on Instagram and Tiktok: @footballinghell FPL team -⁠⁠ join the Footballing / Parenting Hell mini league ⁠⁠ LEAGUE CODE: 1a5fc7 Leave us a 5* review and subscribe to the podcast please. You know the score by now. Why football? Why now? We hear you ask... “Finally we can bring our unique brand of unprofessionalism, distractedness and inability to get things right to the until now slick and professional world of football pods. Get ready for no tactical analysis, zero discussion of VAR and a surprisingly high level of Neil Warnock chat. For people who find other football pods too informed.” - Josh Widdicombe "After 6 years of discussing my wife and children on Parenting Hell it's such a liberating feeling to finally have a podcast where I chat about something I truly love and care about in football" - Rob Beckett ⁠Footballing Hell ⁠is a Spotify Podcast, new video episodes available everywhere every Monday (don't worry - it's business as usual on Tuesday and Friday with the usual Parenting Hell episodes) A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Two and five Canadians will hear the words, you have cancer. That's why every step and dollar raised matters. On September 19th, join thousands in Toronto for the Princess Margaret Cancer Foundation Walk. Challenge yourself, friends, and family to walk 21 kilometers in support of life-saving research. Together, we can carry the fire and help create a world free from the fear of cancer. Register today at pmcfwalk.ca.ca. Hello, you're listening to Footballing Hell with... Rob.

Okay. Okay, you want you to... What a generic voice. Oh. What a lovely generic voice. That's a... A man from the home counties. Oh, no.

I'll tell you what. I'm going to give you a clue and then I'll play it again. Okay. Goalkeeper. Not for the home counties. Goalkeeper, played at the highest level. You got one more chance. Rob Beckett,

Josh Whittaker. It's Paul Robinson. In the words of Andy Gray, Take a Bauer son. Was it? Yeah. Oh, yes, please. That's incredible.

Talk me throughout you got it, because the issue here is, it isn't a game of guest to footballer, it's the game of who could Rob Beckett get in contact with within a week to get another voice note? Well, I thought goalkeeper, right? Yeah.

He sounds like he's about in his 40s. Yeah, you're right. Who would Rob know? I thought it's not David Seaman. I know it's not David Seaman. Yeah, he's got very distinctive voice. There's not a huge amount of English goalkeepers from that era. Then I remembered a vague story about you going on the lash with Paul Robinson at the Edinburgh Festival.

Yeah. I mean, is it too, I think it's too early to go into the Paul Robinson, Lloyd Griffith, on the lash with Ian Smith Endingber Fringe Festival comedy story. The comedian, not the guy that played Harold Bishop. I mean, who would have thought that? Either way. I don't think we go into that now.

Is that another story for another day? That's a quiet week. That's a story for the international break. But this is the opening weekend of the season. This is huge. We can't get bogged down with anecdotes from the past. That will happen. Let's do what Richard Keyes did six times

in his first episode with Andy Gray and say that's a story for another time. I've never heard so many so many stories for another time. I cannot express you how many bullet points I've got to talk about this week. Most of it doesn't involve the actual games. No, of course.

But I'm so excited to chat. Should we go chronologically? Or should we go... Should we explain where I am? I'm doing this from Centre Parks on a family weekend away, which... And how pissed are you? I've had four...

Well, I've had four pints of Starophram and then switched to cause for the fifth. Just over up. Yeah. I was responsibly drinking and that's 2% less strength than Staropram. Yeah, yeah. You seem in a good state. I've had a great weekend. The football's back.

Let me offer you these two options, right? Go on. We can go chronologically Friday, Saturday, Sunday. Yeah. Or we can go order of funniness, i.e. start with Hull to Manchester United Nile. I mean, I think we go chronological. I think we can't peak. The main thing I'm excited about

is Man United and Tottenham being shit. Yeah. That's really good. Arsenal Friday. First thing's first. I don't like, I don't like the season. I don't like the season starting on a Friday night. I don't like that.

I like it. I don't like it. I want to football on every night. And I think you need to get back to the dark ages. I prefer the FAA Cup, the only game on TV at 3 p.m. on a Saturday. Fuck off, Nobby Stiles.

It's the real world. It's Infantino's era. Strapping is corrupt and it's on every fucking night. That was the star of prime and talk in there, actually. I hate to point this out, but even the FA come at 3pm on a Saturday wasn't allowed on television. What's in it? Well, the final was, but not the... No, no, of course.

I meant the final. Oh, yeah, the final was, yeah. Sorry for calling you Nobby Stars. So I don't hate it. Don't hate it. He won the World Cup. Josh, bring some order to this. Let's go chronological.

Arsenal beat someone three nil first. Coventry. Coventry. Somebody, you knew. I didn't, right. So Coventry, I watched the game. Literally, it's the own, I don't, people were writing off the season before Saturday.

They were saying, Arsenal have already won the league before Saturday and even, which should be the first day. Can I tell you what I text my Coven. mate. Yeah. He said, oh, we've got you

in the first game of the season. How will that be? I wrote, three nil, three points. Thank you very much.

Welcome to hell. What they're... Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. And then today I sent in that message of an arrow pointing at it because he hadn't replied to it. Yeah.

Can I be honest, right? Just to broaden this out. Yeah. I always dreamed of Plymouth Harbing in the Premier League. Right? Tough,

tough game away at Wickham. that was for them. Yeah, we got a good point. We've got a good point of Wickham, but solid point of Wickham. What a depressing thing to say out loud? The chairman. They're a bogey team for us.

They beat us in the playoffs. The chairmen? Yeah, they make chairs in Wickham. Is that their nickname? I think it might be. That's so shit. Well, they're the chair boys. Worse?

Worse? Really worse. It sounds like the ones that have to put the chairs out for the vicar. Michael Popper in the chat, which it is. And they called the chairboys? They can't be called the chairboys, can they? When we went up to the championship three years ago,

yeah? Yeah. It was very different. Michael's typing. We might as well wait for this. I think if we're going in chronological. It's a chairboy. It's fucking pathetic.

Absolutely pathetic. I'll fucking fold the club. Do you know what? I take it back. There's a good away point. You need to get three points against a chairboy. Oh, we've got a point against a chairboys. Fuck off, chairboys, pathetic.

Is there emailing? Is there a worse nickname than the chairboys? Come on. Because you make chairs. If you're known for making chairs, how about you spread out to tables? What they sat around? It's less.

It's less. It's tables to tall chair without a back, really. It's easier. I can't wait to the point that we piss off every single football club. No one listens. We're going to slowly lose all the We lost all the Leeds fans

because I forgot they were in the league. Oh, God. Who cares? They won. Bring up the chairboys. Yeah, emailing, is it, Footballing Hell podcast at gmail.com if you've got a worse nickname than the chairboys.

I think it's just footballing hell at gmail.com. But it's in the show notes, which is the bit written below. I think I'm right, actually. I don't want to bring in Michael early within the first five minns, but... VAR. Football in hell podcast at gmail.com.

Michael V. Harden. Like, do you know what's the sad thing is he's checking? He's checking, Michael. I genuinely was.

I couldn't come in. I didn't have the conviction. It is Footballing Hell podcast at Gmail. Thank you. And that is me five points deep. I can operate like this. This is probably me. Thank God for that cause.

Hartley Paul United, the monkey hangers. That's a great one. That's a great one. That's for another time. That's for another time. There's this myth that they thought it was a Frenchman. Are you aware of hangus the monkey, Rob?

Who's hanged as a monkey? Oh, Rob, this is incredible. So then Hartlepool United, they had Hangus the Monkey as their mascot, right? Yeah. Who was a monkey mascot. And the guy... That's really, I think... I know the monkey isn't human, but you can't do a pun on a lynch.

Well, I think that... It's hangars the monkey. I can't call it hangar. It's the pun's too strong for someone's been hunted. I know, I know it's too strong, isn't it? Yeah. So then the guy that played hangus the monkey, Stuart something, Drummond, maybe.

He said to Hartleypool, a good idea, right? Why don't I, they've just decided that Hartleypool's going to have a mayor. Why don't I run for mayor of Hartleypool as Hangus the Monkey? Yeah. They were like, okay, yeah, funny. You've got to do it under your. your own name, but you can run as Hangas the Monkey. He did free bananas in schools, that kind of policy.

Lovely. Good PR stunt for the cup. Yeah, yeah. He won. He became Mayor of Hartleypool, and he did such a good job that he retained marriage to partnership of Harley Pool three times. I didn't know that story. That is a great story. So have a Coventry staying up? Arsenal would Coventry. Oh, no, so what I was saying, when we got up into the championship and we just didn't have the money

of other people and you're getting tanked every week. and you go, this is fucking shit. This is so horrible. You don't enjoy it. And I remember my friend as a QPR fan had previously said to me that he didn't enjoy the Premier League. And I thought, oh, come on. And actually instantly, you're like,

oh, God, it feels awful every week to think, oh, God, we're playing them and they've got, you know, they've just spent 20 million on a new striker. And we've spent... Sorry, Josh, you're going to have to add inflation to your sort of footballer. No one spent 20. This was when we were the championship.

Oh, okay. I thought you made that Arsenal of spent, no, no, no, no. If Arsenal spent 20 million of a striker, I might be with a shout. This was when I'm in the championship. I was like, Jesus Christ. Yeah.

I think our record fee is like 2.5 million or whatever. So in conclusion, it's going to be awful for those teams like Coventry. I'm sorry. Yeah, I think they're actually quite good, but obviously Arsenal are very good at the moment. They're at home. It was a Friday night.

You know, it's a tough ask. Everyone knows the atmosphere in the Emirates on a Friday night is untouchable. Now, Josh, to be fair, Arsenal's atmosphere has got a lot better since Highbury the Library. Has it? Now that they sing North London forever, have you heard that? Oh, yes, absolutely. It makes my balls disappear into my body.

I find it so embarrassing. Oh, I'm an Arsenal fan. I don't want to disagree really. But you know, it's true. Alex Brooker, but I have a montage of photos. the day Arsenal won the league, fine. Yeah, but this is a man that fell asleep at the FAC Cup final. North London Forever, and I thought you fucking loser.

I think North London Forever is one of those songs that the next generation that wasn't around when it started. Now, I love Louis Dunford, who wrote it. I think he's a really good singer. I think you need to be the second generation so that it feels bedded in to really enjoy it. I think the problem for me is, I don't think North London,

it's not a specific enough, he's not got a personality. If I think in North London, I think, oh, what, that really affluent place where, like, people from the media live. Arsenal did start in Woolwich. Exactly. So the Forever bit really does take the legs out.

Yeah, yeah. Anyway, let's not bring that out. They're going to win the league. I think so. I've got, should I, before we did come to be really boring? Should I go through quick little bullet points that we can dig into deeper that I've got and you can do the same?

I'd love to check about Brick the mascot. Who's Brick the mascot? I think he's Hull's new mascot. Oh, right, yeah, yeah, yeah. So we're not on Stirling, sorry. No, I'm going off chronological. Oh, okay, fine. I'm just going to go bullet points.

Forget Arsenal. Let's do that. Let's do that. Yeah, we've got nothing to say on Arsenal. No, absolutely nothing. Really good team. If they get who Julian Alva is, the whole league's in trouble. Yeah, yeah.

I love Mark Chapman. I don't know if you want to go into that now or we do that later. The guy that killed John Lennon? No. The guy that now seemingly presents match of the day and Super Sunday. I think he's brilliant. Is he replaced that, Dave bloke? What's Dave Jones?

Yeah. I don't know what's happened there. He seems to, I think the BBC's three replacements of Gary Lineca are all brilliant. Yeah, they're all excellent. Agreed. All excellent. I think they're all brilliant. But I saw Mark Chapman talking to Daniel Sturridge and Mika

Richards about Newcastle Liverpool. Yeah, he seems to have crept onto Sky. I don't know if somebody's a David Joe. Is he still doing Mondays? I don't know. Can I be honest? And Mark Chapman doesn't suffer from this in the same way. But I don't think Pugatch does quite.

So I love you saying the word Pugatch. I think Pugatch is good. Can you say Mark Pugatch, but like in an animated quite lively way of like, imagine Mark Pugatch has walked. into a nightclub with two women on his arms, popping champagne, and you've got to say, have you seen what Mark Pugatch is up to?

Have you seen what Mark Pugatch is up to? So I like Pugats. I love Pugues and Chapman. I don't mind David Jones. But they all fall into this problematic area of, I can't, and I'd throw Dan Walker back in the day in with this, and I'd throw Ed Chamberlain in with this.

I can't quite tell them all apart. And I'd put Jake Humphrey in the body of Thanos as the sort of nucleus of this. This presenter type that isn't a footballer, but he's trying to be palli with footballers. Yeah. It's a poison chalice. Yeah, but Chappers is great.

He's great. We love Chappers. Because he's not trying to be a footballer type. He's just doing what he does. He's a laugh. He's quite wry, Chapman. Do you know what I mean? He doesn't feel like Chapman takes himself too seriously.

And his beard's not too neat. No. Because I think footballers have neat beards. Yeah, I like Chappers. Chap's a bit rough around the edges. Anyway, so I love chap. He's taking on Sky, is he? I don't know.

I swear he also do. He does. I think he does. He does five live on a Saturday as well. He must be knackered. Is he a twin? Well, he's just put Ed Chamberl in it. No one's noticed.

Yeah, so there's a shake-up. There is a shake-up. Oh, is there? There is a shake-up. There's a classic phone term. No, that's match to the day shake. There's no shake-up. There's no shake-up.

There's no shake-up. Oh no, there's a shake-up on pundits because a lot left, Rooney left, didn't he? Did he? As he? Okay. Right, here's a new pundits on match today. Toby O'Doward.

O'Don. Is he not playing still? No. Robbie Keane. Ashley Young. Huckedie. Ellen Sherrop. Rooney's still there.

Joe Hart, Mika Richards, Ellen White, Steph Houtham, Danny Murphy, Ashley Williams. That's the new show. Yeah, so that's BBC. I don't know what's going on with Sky.

Yeah. Now, Josh, we need to talk about the football, but I have to talk about Richard Keyes and Andy Gray. Should we leave that to the end? Yeah, let's leave that to the end. That has to be done at the end. Let's go through the order. So, Arsenal one.

Can we talk about Manu v. Hull then? That's lunchtime. Yeah, so they've got a mascot that's a brick quite like that. I imagine. Can I just say, I'll never, I just don't think I'll ever stop finding Manu losing funny. It's brilliant. It's absolutely great.

It's so funny. And how, I can't believe that it's going to happen. again. I just can't believe. They've not changed from Solkshire, just getting the shit ex-player player into manage and it just falls apart. They already look so sad. They all, the managers look,

Michael, could you do a montage of our Instagram? A man new manager's looking sad. He's not even though. It's a Men United fan. No, but he'll get someone else to do it. They all just look so sad. So playing North London Forever and from after Fergie, every single

Man United manager looking sad. Yeah. Honestly, Man United losing. You know when they go, oh, can you give us a bank holiday? That's enough. You know when they always ask for a bank holiday if something big happens? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. To lift the mood of the nation.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just don't think they've needed to because, man, you know, it would have been crap for so long. It's so fun. It's so fun because you go the debate where the train's not allowed to leave. Have you seen that? Well, I've got, you talk about that. I've got another food to talk about. So if you haven't seen this, it's absolutely incredible.

They're now and now-half-way, right, they're two-nilled down, and there's no need for this. announcement in the ground. The delivery is so pointed as well. Yeah, that the train to Manchester's been cancelled and the cheer is incredible. Can I also say, you know when people, I hate it when they do this so much of the day, they'll go, obviously, Manu lost, but we should talk about Hull. No,

no one wants you. They were really good. No one cares. No one gives it. They were. Let's just talk about and falling apart. If Plymouth beat Mani you, but no one needs to hear about Plymouth. I don't think anyone, no one cares. Everyone cares about man you losing. It's the best. It's so funny. Carrett looks so sad. In his interview, John Arna, Fjordoff, Fjordoff. Is he in his team? No, he's an interviewer. He retired about 20 years ago. Janaga Fjordoff's the interviewer. Yeah, for like a Scandinavian

Oh, right. Right, right. Yeah, yeah. I didn't mean his team. I thought he, I thought he was in his backroom staff when you said, I thought he meant he was in his line. No,

no, I meant is he like his, one of his coaches or something. I love it when you get a coach. Like, fucking hell. There he is. Jimmy Floyd Asselwanks in the back to him.

Most surprising coach in the background stuff, do email it. Yeah, because the Hassabank used to be England, which is surprising. Yeah, I've always got me. What the fucks Hasselbank doing in the England stuff?

Gabriel Heinzer is the backroom star Arsenal. Is it? Yeah, the left back from Man United. Yeah, yeah. What is that then? Oh, well, he's Argentinian, but played in Italy. So he said to Carrick in an interview, did your team not have enough passion?

And Carrick looks so upset. His face was like, someone said to me, sorry, I'm at a kid's birthday party, and someone come over between him and went, sorry, but your daughter's a bit of a bitch. That's how his face is. He looked, oh, you can't say that. Well, it's weird because I saw Alan Shearer saying, and I like Alan Shearer, he's saying, like, they're not, they don't look fit.

You're like, that can't, that simply can't at this level be the case, can it? No. They can't have got to the season and gone, shit. Fucking hell, we haven't, we haven't. A lot of them were even in the World Cup, were they? No. They only played six games last year. They'll be fine.

So Man United A crap, that's fun. That's fun. Oh, do you hear what Joe Cole said got in trouble? No. He said that obviously Hull Man United was the first game on TNT Sports.

Right. And he said that he turned his phone off when they were trying to book people to do it because he didn't want to have to go to Hull. Good line, good line. And I just sort of thought, well, no offence to Hull, but if you do live in London,

you don't want to be in a hole game. Well, this comes down. So a lot of the Plymouth fans talk about, Rob. Go on. The TV, don't give it. We don't get enough games because the TV can't be bothered to come to Plymouth. No, I think it's because Plymouth is shit. And if they're in the Premier League, they'd get more games.

No, no. When the League 1's are doled out. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, I see. Yeah, yeah. They want to go to Leight and Orient.

Of course they bloody do. Yeah. But they won't come down to Plymouth on a Tuesday night. I, you forget this. that we think it's a really glorious job, but the people that get the kind of B games, I'm not saying whole menu is a B game, but like...

No, that's a A game. Like, and I don't think this is unfair, but you've got the A list player, you get the A list pundits. Leeds Fulham on a Tuesday night. Yeah. If you picked for that, you're gutted. And you're driving yourself, presumably,

up to Leeds, and then it's 10pm, And you're like, you have to stand in front of the Leeds fans or the Fulham fans at Chana, you're a wanker. Yeah. And you're like, I thought, I've had such a better football career than Mika Richards. Now he's getting all the good games. And I'm fucking here. I played like, one of Champions League. I want a Champions League.

He whipped him nothing. But now. He passed a Guantan for 17 minutes. Now, here I am in Leeds. Two and five Canadians will hear the words you have kids. cancer. That's why every step and dollar raised matters. On September 19th, join thousands in Toronto for the Princess Margaret Cancer Foundation Walk. Challenge yourself, friends, and family to walk 21 kilometers in support of life-saving research. Together, we can carry the fire and help create a

world free from the fear of cancer. Register today at pmcf walk.ca.ca. Well, other things that went on, West Ham lost. That's quite funny. Oh, so funny. So funny. A waiter, London Derby. Now, I'm going to be working with Danny Dyer for the next few months, but...

Are you? Oh, daughter, Danny. Daughter Danny. I'm in a Nick Love film. Did you not know that? He was in Ride to the Foot Soldier 26? You're playing Larry the Slag, aren't you? But it is quite funny that, like,

it's funny that West Hamer. I don't think there's anyone in the... You know when they say, I just don't believe, except West Ham fans, there's anyone in the country that doesn't want them to fail. I mean, yeah, because if a big team, like West Ham are, get relegated,

any self-respecting football fan wants them to get relegated again. Yeah, of course. That's funny. And it doesn't, that's not a digger West Ham, if it was lead or whatever, or whatever. And you know when people go,

I like to see, I want to see West Ham in the Premier League? No, I don't. If you said three, club. I would love them to go down. National League immediately. Yeah.

Oh, but the Premier League won't be the same without Arsenal. Fucking, yeah, come on. It'd be brilliant if they went down. I'm sure it'll cope. Yeah, it'll be fun. I'll forget in a minute.

Well, so West Hamer rubbish at the moment. Great, great. Well, so we got here. Now, one thing I wanted to talk about, I tried to watch matches of the day. Yeah. But it was on at 20 past 10.

Yeah. It's a bit late for a man with kids. So I thought, do know what I do is, I'm in centre parts. we're going to get up early. We've booked the swimming. We've got jet skis in the swimming pool at 8.40. So we've got an early start.

Yeah, don't you all about that? We'll talk about that. We'll talk about that apparently now. I'll watch it early because in my head, I swear, it matched the day was like 7 a.m. Because that makes sense, didn't it? 840. That's too late.

Can't you watch it on an eyeplayer? Well, no. Good point, actually. Can you? One of you want? I don't know. No, it's not. Is it anyone who you want?

Yeah. You can watch match at the time. I just think you should be earlier on a Sunday. Yeah, yeah, I agree. If you've missed it the night before, you're up from seven. Bang it on at seven. Yeah, exactly. You're jet skiing before, you know it?

Oh, no, exactly. Exactly. Did you watch Match of the Day? No, because I... Me neither. So, let's not borrow back excuses. We're just doing a football podcast and now I've seen all the girls. I watched three minutes Valenshire's Pundit Tree on the toilet.

I thought his polo shirt was too thick. Did you? For August. Is it a cable knitting of Christmas? Rob, I've been in that room. I can't tell you how... This is at Salford. Salford.

Yeah, have you been in the room? They do it in. This is where they do eight out of ten cats as countdown. I've never been in the room, but I always know that that's happening near. Yeah. I've not been in there. What's it like in there?

It's just a green room. It's just a small green room. It's just so... So, like, souless. Right, yeah, of course, of course. They're sat there, there's no windows, it's all green, there's three cameras. And they can't see what's behind them until it's on the telly.

They can't see what's on them at all. Yeah, because it's all green. It's all green because it could be football football. I couldn't anymore. I feel like green screen was a thing that was massive about 15 years ago, and it feels a bit like match of the day went, guys, this is the future? Yeah.

It has to be green screen. I know, because, It wouldn't be a problem to just... Do you know, I often think with this stuff, you know, like when the players walk out on match of the day, you know, like when they... They're talking about a player and it'll appear as a kind of thing behind them or whatever on the side.

When they're talking about a player and he's there, like with his arms crossed and it shows less that. Like that in 10 years we're going to go, that's the shittest thing that ever happened. That's just so shit. But then Alan Shear has sat there with his Christmas polo shirt on behind a green screen in front of a green screen. Do you think that's...

And he's proven to Manchester for that. I know. So he drives to Manchester on a Saturday to sit in front of a green screen to talk about the football. In a polo shirt that was a present for his birthday. When was his birthday? Let's go that detail.

Well, just to check him, it was recent. Have you checked on your Fantasy League team, by the way? Oh, here you go, Rob. Allenshire's birthday was 10 days ago. That's a present. That's a present. That's a present. That's a present.

That's a present. what, I'll bang it out early doors because they've gone, that'll be nice for your match of the day. That is definitely a present, isn't it? If you know Alan Shearer, or if you are Alan Shearer, that was a present, let us know. It screams present, isn't it? It does.

And he's not a way out in the first one. Of course, yeah. It's August. Who's wearing that in August? Anyway, Spurs are shit. Now, can I talk about, Spurs lost 3-0 to Brentford?

Yeah. Big up my goalkeeper, one of the blonde. that kept a clean sheet. Now, can I talk about something? This may upset Spurs fans. People go, Jamie O'Hara is the worst for this. Spurs are back, they're so back, right?

They've just spent lots of money. Well, no, as in they're going to, well, they've said it last couple of is that they're going to be top six or top four again. Now, in my experience, I'm saying this seriously, and I'm not trying to do this to rage by anyone, in my opinion, apart from the last sort of like Harry Kane years,

sort of the last, two years, maybe, so forget that, there was about a five, six year period, where they had Harry Kane, Potch and Son, and they did quite well and got top four. Apart from that, in my living memory, they've always been absolute shite. They had one, maybe two years with Gareth Bale

and Harry Rednapp. But then that was sort of, yeah, that flashing the pattern and then, Clingsman turned up for it, but they've always been sort of, in my living memory, mid-table. I would say, and this isn't trying to rage, right, Go on. Like, if we take out of the fact that they won the double in 1961,

which I don't think is, you know. I don't think you can take that out, not now, not in 2026. You've got to leave that in. Right. Yes, they won the double. You've got to respect the pre-Premia league years. So they won the problem in 1961. Yeah, absolutely.

I don't think in my lifetime, if you, you know, in our head, we've all got like an average position for a team. I would say Spurs average position is eighth. 100%. 8 to 10. And then they had a few years of going beyond that and then drop it again. Give you another team. I'll give you their average where they should finish.

Okay. Aston Villa. Aston Villa. They're 12th. Oh, okay. I'd go 6 or 7. No, because they had the down, didn't they? Yeah, they've come back again.

Do you want another team? Yeah, go on. Everton. Everton, they're another one who are constantly, back, but really, they're 15th. Yeah, I was going to say 15. They're constantly back, but they're not. I think Everton fans have got a bit more humility,

but I think the Tottenham fans got so swept up in the pot-ch era that they go with back, but actually, Totman being back is 8th. And you've just got to move on from that double in 1961. Okay, next. Next. Oh, did you see this? This is a little bit left field.

I don't know what he played for, but he used to play for Newport County, and he scored against him for his new club, Bobby Camwa. Right. And he ran the length of the pitch to celebrate in front of the away fans. He did it. Yeah. And do you know what?

I loved it. And do you know what I love even more than that is, you know when like commentators go, oh, it's a shame to see that? No, it's not. No, it's not. That's all we want to see. Ideally, a full fight as well.

Yeah, of course. A full fire with punches and a 10-game band, please. I think, you know, I think the worst thing sports coverage can ever do is cut away from a, from a, from a picture invasion. Striek has that. I love it. You've got to stay on that. And B, we do want to see a fight.

We absolutely do. When it's after the match, you can't be cutting away from that. That's what we're here for. Bristol Rovers he plays for, Bobby Cammer. So respect to Bobby Cammer. The gas heads? I don't know, Michael will check. Well, they've got any...

I think this is good. If you've got any great ex-player stories when they've come back, stuff they've done, especially in the lower leagues that may not have been covered. Because obviously, the Premier League is a bit biased on coverage. If any lower league ex-player stuff happened, let us know. The gas, they call it. Email into Footland Hill podcast at gmail.com.

But big up, Bobby Cammar for celebrating in front of... I mean, I'm an Arsenal fan. I love what Eddie Boyle-done. I'm a-courous. Newport County. What I like about that as well, I suppose there's a slight Bristol-Newport County regional rivalry to an extent.

But they're not classic rivals. But I just wouldn't think that would be such a... Because I presume you feel the same. What do you think about players that don't celebrate against their old club? I think if they've been there for years and years, like Lampard or, you know, like I get it.

We know when he scored against Joseph Van City because it's like you've been, but when they've like played a season if I played for a club and then I scored against them, I'd be,

if I, well, if I put it into my career, right, say I had a TV show cancelled, right? Yeah. Say I was on the BBC,

I had a show cancelled and then like won a, I won a BAFTA for the, the ITV show that was on. Did you run the length of Royal Albert Hall? Yeah, and I'll knee slide in front of the commissioners at the BBC.

If that was, If that was a genuine possibility of like the physics of that, then yeah. When you? Yeah. It would be great. Yeah, totally. I would. I think you've just got to.

I think the... I don't think I can knee slide, though. No. Do you know what? I've never really fancied it. It's the thought of like hitting a twig or something. I mean, you're not going to hit a twig on a major... I mean, how fit you have to be to get away of a knee sliding and not break everything?

Because I know. I know. I know. The thought of me knee sliding now, even on like, just actual, like, guaranteed. he'd sludge, I'd struggle with the idea of it. I didn't even think my most of my legs would explode. In this way, you start a wildfire, mate. There'll be an emergency alert.

No, he'd be like a match. What would be, here's a question for you. Go on. Rob Beckett, right? Yeah. If you're as good as Lionel Messi. Yeah? Yeah.

Talk me through your club career from the age of 16 to 38 when you retire. Are you a one club man? I'm as good as messy. So you're as good as messy. You can start, where would you like to start? When are you moving? Where would you like to end? So I think I'd like to break.

What year were you 16? So we want to get a feeling on the year. Got yeah. So I'm Rooney's age. Right. So I'm breaking through when Rooney's breaking through. Okay, cool. This is what I'm doing.

I'm doing two years at Crystal Palace. Yeah. I play for them at 15. Yeah. Yeah. I have two seasons from 16 to 18. Yeah. Move to us.

Yeah. Then I do a few years at Arsenal, four years at Arsenal. So I'm 22. Yeah. Then I go to now. I'll go Rio Madrid, I think. Yeah. I go Rio Madrid.

You're a Galatica? At the absolute height of them or maybe just after the height of the Galactica? Yeah. So yeah, I'll be there. I'll be, yeah, I'll be at, I'll be a Galaticao with Beckham and that lot. And I'm basically up front of the rail. Yeah. Yeah.

Do a few years there. Then, to be honest, I'm sort of a little bit side straddling Beckham. Yeah. Because I'm going from there to, I'm doing Buy Munich, actually. Oh, you? I'm going to buy Munich. Yeah. To be loved there.

I'd love to win the league and have those massive pints. Oh, yeah. You know the massive pines and where you're... It's probably under PEP as well by this point. Yeah, and I'd have Lader Hosen on. I'd fit the aesthetic. I'd be great. Love it.

Then I'm slipping over to Italy. Yep. to do, I mean, Beckham was at 80, man, so I might go Juventus. Yeah. A few years there, I mean, I don't have a really. Globe trying around it. Oh, yeah, yeah, but yeah, I've not even touched it. Then, then I go PSG.

Yeah. Then I go Crystal Palace again. Oh, tearful homecoming. Finish there at 40. Then I go to America. Oh, yeah, yeah. And then I do, I'll do Orlando so I can go Disney. What a career, though.

What a career. Can you imagine it? And you're sticking with Lou or are you going for a different wife? No, I'll have Lou, but because of my positions of football, I'd have numerous mistresses. I think it's like being in the mafia. Like, look, and Lou would understand because I'm just a job in comic, podcaster. You know, no one wants it.

But when you're a footballer, you know, you need deep in it. And I'll go, look, Lou, I love you. You're the main, but I've got a couple of, you know. Come on. The boys would absolutely hang me out to dry if I do. Yeah, exactly. I've got to be part of the group. You can't win a ball on door with one wife. So Lou would understand.

And then I'll knock that on the edge once I got back to Crystal Palace and go, look, I'm 40 now. Let's crack on in Orlando, just me, you and the kids. Yeah, okay. And before I know, one of my exes is on celebs on the farm, wanking off a pig. And I'm like, oh, God, nightmare. Not ideal. Not ideal. But, you know, we play the cards with doubt.

That's life. That's life. That's life. Okay. So we've got to. We got to Tottenham being rubbish. Funny. Oh, can I ask about Deserby?

Because they lost to Brentford. Brentford's manager, whose name escapes me. He's a very good Irish guy. Who's done a very good job there. Michael, can you find that out, please? Michael will know it, won't he? Keith Andrews.

Keith Andrews. He's doing a great job at Brentford. But then so is Thomas Frank. So was Iriola at Bournemouth. So was Deserby at Brighton. is it possible for a manager to leave the three boring bees and be a success at a bigger club? Well, I mean, the madness for Tottenhamies,

and it does feel like a self-fulfilling prophecy of this Spursy thing is, last season they took the most successful manager Brentford's ever had, and then he nearly got them relegated. Yeah. And then they've gone back to Brentford after spending $200 million, and this is the first manager they've backed in years, and then they've gone back to Brentford, who had to rebuild after losing the most successful.

successful managers and then lost them three nil. And Brentford, to be honest, he didn't even touch the size losing Thomas Frank. Well, that's Sangare, whoever he is. That is, I think he's from Mali, that he was unbelievable. And he cost like 35, 39 million. How does that happen? What's happening in football, if you're spending like silly money on Tanali, who's good, don't get me wrong, but how's that fella slip through the net?

I know, it's weird. I don't understand it. Have you heard about room at this? I don't know if this is true or not. But there we go. Tottenham are buying Savino and Marmouche. Right, yeah. But Marmuch is 59 million and Savinio is like 85 million.

But I think what potentially, I think if Marmucci is sold for more on 60 million, his old club gets a bonus. Right. Oh, I see. You see what I'm saying here? So essentially. Oh, I see. Yeah, right.

You know, do what I'm saying? No. So I'm hiring Anton deck, but paying ant loads. Yeah, yeah. Because if you pay deck any more than he should do. Yeah. He's going to have to give I a TV a tickle. So we're enjoying Tottenham being rubbish.

That's fun. Yeah. What else is? It's just great to be about, I thought the penalty was harsh for Newcastle, Liverpool. No. I mean, did you think it? Yeah. This horse off weight as well.

He's got World Trip. Yeah. I thought it was like a bit harsh because he didn't really move his leg that much. The geez had like run into his leg. Yeah, but. I don't know what the rule is, though, to be honest No, neither do I, his leg was there. They seemed to bang and punch into each other

and he fell over. I quite fancy slobber-slie. I think he's good looking. I'd fuck him. I think I'm quite bad. I think if I was to sleep with the footballer, he'd be up there. He loves himself, though, but I think he'd be, I think he smells good, takes care of himself,

and he'd treat you well. I feel like he loves himself a lot. Can I be the first to say this, Rob? I think pundits need to stop saying how good flora inverts his because maybe he's just not. Because he's not doing anything good. He's been over a year now

but we've been told he's not playing well but he is good. Maybe he's not good. How about you? Is you good, mate? Why don't you play good? Yeah, because I'm so important. You're good.

And also, I know you've moved club, but it's still full. Football. We've not been on a cricket team. You should watch and play football. What's going on? Why is everyone saying he's so good? Since you started doing this, I thought we'd talk about football. All I really want to talk about is pundits. Yeah, go on.

I just find them more fascinating than the game. Totally. They constantly have to say stuff. But they're also hamstrung by not wanting to piss off their ex-club, also not wanting to piss off the league or their employer. Oh, I bet. Gary Neville and Roy Keane and that lot are like, oh God, we had the whole thing with Solstikeau,

we couldn't say anything. Yes. No, we're back in the same fucking position again, with Carrick. Oh, God. Imagine the situation now, Josh, right? Yeah. For example, Jane Ticaster and Rommis are the manager

and assistant manager of Tottenham. Yeah. What would have to go, or, you know, it's a tough away game, no, isn't it, Brentford? Yeah. The team needs time to settle. They've got a lot of Lou players coming. Because you couldn't, they're our mates.

No, exactly. Because also, it's beyond, like, oh, you know, it's a professional thing. Like, you think, oh, no, my mate rung me the other day, bit down in the dumps. I can't just, like, hammer him on the... Because SoulSkears probably in WhatsApp groups with Gary Neville. Like, there's, like, situation. Yeah.

So it's just like an awkward... Carrick's getting hammered. Jesus. Yeah, like, oh, fucking hell. Like, John O'Shea's getting married, and I'm going to be on his table, aren't I? Wes Brown's set up a go-fund me. Oh, no, we're all on there.

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and help create a world free from the fear of cancer. Register today at pmcf walk.ca.ca. I think it would be better if they just said, do you know what? Rather than pretend, they just need to go, this is far too awkward. This is too awkward, I know him. Like, can you ask me now?

I just pop off. I can't possibly, you know, Like when someone says about your mate, they'll go, oh, he's a bit of a dick. And you go, well, he's my mate. I don't want to say anything. Yeah, yeah, exactly. It's a good guy, but obviously stuff's not gone right in the moment.

But it's not fair. He's my mate. I'm not going to say anything. You take him how you find him. You take Michael Carrick how you find him, okay? He's my good friend. Yeah, but it's Monday night football, Gary. I know.

But he's my friend. Yeah. Yeah. Michael. Michael. So let's speak to Michael because he is a Man United fan. And also then let's get into Richard Keyes and Andy Gray. Because I think that needs to be discussed. Yeah.

Okay. Michael, how do you feel about the start of the season? Barcelona will 1-0 up against Elch. They can't be called Elch. Let's draw the line at Europe. They can't be called Elch. Elchard. Roderudderon? Elchay.

Elchay. We've got to keep an eye on due Belling as well, see what he's up to. Oh, yeah. I enjoyed Marino winning his first game in the last. last minute, that was fun. Oh, we've got to talk about Pep Guardiola's documentary as well. Michael, talk to us about May United.

We'll do Pep Guardiola, then Keyes and Grey. Okay, what would you like to know? And then have we got any letters? Emails? We've got lots of emails, yeah. We won't need them for this episode, so it's up to you. Sorry, is this episode coming in? Because we love them.

I'm aware I'm over excited and slightly pissed. I haven't even, I haven't even, I just don't even write to stuff. If we got any. There's a good one here. Hello, Rob. It's hard to work out which channels the football is on. I use www. live-hifference football

on TV.com it tells a live channel that any football game is on in the UK. Very useful. Obviously not all games to tell us. Thank you, Jacob.

Michael, Michael Carrick and Mannion and I had talked to me. I think it was a wrong appointment. I think a decision can be right and wrong at the same time.

It was difficult not to give him the job, but there's no way it was going to work. I think they had to give it to it. They had to go through it. Those players that are too in awe of Fergie as well that go back. It's pathetic.

Oh, they have to ring into, ring him to make a sub. Yeah. Can I say one thing about the whole United Gamer that you missed? Yeah. Which is the clip of the whole fans doing that weird like mulled by the tigers thing.

Oh, I don't like that. I would genuinely rather get relegated as a Manchester United fan than have to do that in the stands after a picture. It's awful. It's the worst thing I've ever seen. It's awful. Is that new?

So they do this. They get their hands like a tiger's claws and go, you get it mulled by the the tigers. God, it's so lame. It's so bad. I don't mind the chant. It's the hands is too much,

and it? I also think, why they hold tigers anyway? What's the whole tigers? I tell you what, you're getting sat on by the chair, boys, sat on by the chair boys.

You're getting sat on by the chair, boys. Gas by the gas. You're getting... That's too much. Oh, this is good. Can I just read this? And then just to show

we're getting lots of emails. Yeah. That is funny. Someone's showing us the spot of thank you to James Van Barth, who's sent us to Spotify captions and throughout it said that we were referring to Neil Walnut's head. Walnuts. Walnut, yeah.

Rob, someone, I have a message for you, this is a while, but it didn't really fit into your parenting podcast. However, now you have a football podcast, the stars have aligned. I've been playing championship manager, at 0102 since Easter. What a game. We've just started my 17th year

as Plymouth Argyle manager. Here we go. A couple of seasons back, look what regeneration name came in and also he plays for. Robert Beckett, goalkeeper at Arsenal. Goldkeeper?

Five for eight goalkeeper. Are you sending it? That's from Ian in Plymouth. Thank you to Ian in Plymouth. That is... Is he any good in goal? He's got four England caps. Well, come on.

Michael Ricketts played for him. We're making a lot of enemies on this show. Oh, we are, aren't we? I don't give a fuck, that's the best bit of it. I try to sign him several times, however, his love for Arsenal is as strong in the game as it is in real life. You're a good goalkeeper.

Handling 20 out of 20. 20 out of 20. Look at that, finishing 3B is a keeper. Teamwork 1. It's not wrong. Oh, he's bang on the money. Who created that game, Nostradamus. Right. Talk to me about Keyes and Gray. Right.

There's so much to unpack. Now, for people, I'm aware that we've got a lot of Perrin and Hell listeners that maybe not football is their first choice of a hobby. Keys and Gray, quick background. They used to be the main presenters on Premier League on Sky Sports. When it first got launched, they were massive megastars. Keyes was a presenter. Andy Gray was his right-hand man, ex-player.

They got sacked eventually for being recorded saying quite disparaging remarks about female referee assistants, some sexist overtones, they got sacked. And then within getting sacked, within a couple of years, went to Qatar to earn an absolute fortune in the Middle East. So I've never known,

and Gray isn't as bad as keys for this, no. Anyone to have been cancelled that has led on to such a lucrative job to be so bitter. Yeah, yeah. Bitter about everything. They've started a new podcast because they're contracted.

How badly bitter as well. The contract in Qatar's ended, so they're back in the UK with Keyes and Grey Unleashed. It's them two talking about football. With a bottle of wine outside London Bridge. Bridge. Yeah.

The Tower Bridge. Tower Bridge, sorry. Bottle of champagne. Talked about football. Now, my big, the two things are, the bitterness, two of the shit jokes and three, the unreasonable red nap hatred. And finally, the thing that annoys me the most

is Richard Keyes has walked into Zara, and taking every single baseball cap off of every single mannequin and has got a pastel-coloured baseball cap that he wears on every episode and he looks insane. And he looks like he's got a job at some sort of like software company in California. And he's floating around in pastel tops

and a cap that he wears no matter what. Like on the show, he wore it for the photo show. I know I'm wearing a cap now because my air's mental. He wore it in the photo shoot. It's like the hats, the thing. Yeah. And then it's so good. I'm obsessed with it.

He starts with Richard Keyes doing some observational about what the best cup, what the best cups are. Yeah. And then he talked, I mean, there's a great bit where he talks about Aymann Holmes, going for breakfast with Aman Holmes. Oh, he goes, out of nowhere. He goes, yeah, because I was having breakfast with Aeman Holmes. And I was like, right, how can that be the middle of a sentence?

Surely it's the start. and then the story begins, I don't care about, if you tell me you've recently gone for breakfast with Aeman Holmes, I don't want to hear anything else other than a full debrief of that break. Do you know what? I think the same problem. They've got the same problem with their podcast as we have with ours. They did about 35 minutes of stuff that I would describe as gold. And then they started talking about the actual games.

And I was like, no, no, no, not interested, don't care. Yeah, totally agree. just want you talking about how you know someone that thinks that Infantino's not going to make it like you're a fucking spy. Did you see the Instagram clip of them going into the offices of their podcast? So good.

Doing a joke about Bruce Forsyth. Yeah, so they walk in and they say to an older guy who's probably the podcast producer. And I don't know if you notice this. There's a young other guy that works at that covered his face when they walked in. He saw the pastel colored side. a cap and covered his own face going,

look, mate, I'm a videographer. I don't need this shit. I'm just trying to get a day rate. I don't need everyone to know. I'm in deep with these lot. And they go, how old is Bruce Fawseh fully died? And the older bloke's gone,

84. And they go, higher, higher. Everyone in the room is in complete disbelief this is happening. Keys and Grey burst into the biggest laugh I've ever seen and walk out. Like high-fiving. Bruce Fulcife has been dead, nearly 10 years.

Yeah. Higher or lower, the price is right, hasn't been on telly for 25? In its full glory. I don't think... What the fuck? Can we? And I think we're not people in glasshouse is it? Take a minute to say they've got too many staff on their podcast.

It's their office. The office is huge. I know we've gone too far the other way. Josh, I'm sat in centre parks with a duvet over me with Mikey. Oh, man. But I loved it. But I think they'll calm down. But like, they're quite engaging people to watch.

But like, Gray actually seems quite chilled. The Keys is the angry one. Gray just looks like he's quite happy to sort of just be at home chilling. Grace. Gray's like, I've been cleaning up in Qatar for a decade there, mate. They're the only people to get cancelled and earn more money. It's wild. Good on them. I would be listening.

I can't wait. I'm a big fan of the pod. Yeah, big fan of it. I'd love it if they started slagging us. I'd fucking love it. I'm desperate for podcast beef. I'm cross-continent to start a podcast beef with Keyes and Grey. I tried to Roy Stewart on the other, on pairing him, Elby.

He weren't biting. He don't know who I am. No. Oh, right. As you're a fantasy league getting on, fantasy Premier League thing. Don't mean either. Is there a Monday game? or is that the end of the week?

Josh, come on. Josh, let's at least pretend. Yeah, Fulham Chelsea. Come on at least. Who cares? South West London Derby isn't a thing. No, but if Fulham beat Chelsea would be all over it. I've got Bromboi in that.

Smith Row. Smith Row, of course. I've got 28 points. Oh, that's not good enough, is it? Is it still, Michael, that in my day when I used to play it, I've got 28 points as well. You're looking at 50 points for a week. for a good week. Is that right, Michael?

It will tell you in the app the average score for that week so you can sort of see how you've done against. So if you're above it, obviously, you're doing well. 36 so far. 36. Someone's got 114. The winner at the moment, top of the league is 1-2-3. His name is his team's one called 1-2-3 and his name's Felix Cherry. Phil's fake. Is that a real person? I can't work out who he's got so many points. What the fuck? He's got 80. It's not heading up.

They've used their bench boosts, so their players on the bench has scored as well. What's the bench boost? You get bonus chips that you can use throughout the season, one of which is bench boosts, so your players on the bench score. Oh, he had Sangari on the bench. He's boosting him up. Keep it pure, that's what I say.

Yeah, pick your team, never change it, that's what I do. So I'm, to Michael, I can't work out. So in the Premier, the Football and Peron in Hell League, it's, I'm 3,343rd, but can you see how many people in that league? How many people in the league? Let me see if I can look. I don't believe I can. I can only see my position.

Because I can scroll, it takes too long to scroll down. So big up to Felix Cherry. Oh, is he in our league? This is, this is, we can't, we can't speak. This can't be, this can't be the podcast, can it? No. It's tailed off. It's got of all keys and grey.

Right, okay. Thank you for emails. Keep them coming in. We'll do more emails next time. Thank you for everyone, by the way, who replied and said, I don't like football, but I can't wait to listen to this. tell people that do like football and follow it on Instagram

follow it on Instagram because we're going to be putting up clips and we'll put up the Man United managers looking sad thanks guys and also yeah this one's been a bit chaotic but we because we did the podcast

they all will be no but this is unacceptable I'm I've got half a pint at the sports plaza at the centre parks here there's a month jack deer at the window like this was because we did decided to do this last minute, I couldn't change

the sitch. I think it's been a great one. I look forward to next week. Next week we'll be discussing. Oh, what have we got next week, Rob? Limithford, Palace Flemagne City, Liverpool Forest. That's quite a good fixture because it feels old and... No. What else is coming up?

Chelsea Bryan. Don't worry about it. We still got... Who cares? Do you know what, Rob? There's no good fixtures next week. Where are Arsenal? Oh, no. You're playing in that stupid thing. where you have to play the... It's not international break yet, is it? No, you didn't win a European trophy, so who...

That's already happened. They're playing on Monday. It's Arsenal Villa on Monday night. Fucking hell, John. We didn't even talk about Villa losing 4-0. Oh, that was bad, but a piece of shit. They've got no players, they've got no money because of some sort of financial thing

that Michael knows about that we don't, but he's not allowed to speak, so we won't find out about it. See you next week. Bye.