Parenting Hell with Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe - ⚽ El Sackio and the Man City Transfer Draft Punishment⚽

Episode Date: October 12, 2026

The Premier League is back (thank f*ck!) but the Man City cheating controversy rumbles on. We decide a way to punish them for their indiscretions. Elsehwere we ponder which former Manchester City manager has the hairest bottom? We check in with Spurs fan Bill off the back of a 1-1 draw between Spurs and Man United (AKA El Sackio) And there's Cristiano Ronaldo's very bizarre press release. Enjoy! If you want to get in touch with the show you can; Email us: [e-mail] And follow us on Instagram and Tiktok: @footballinghell FPL team -⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ join the Footballing / Parenting Hell mini league ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ LEAGUE CODE: 1a5fc7 Leave us a 5* review and subscribe to the podcast please. You know the score by now. ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Footballing Hell ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠is a Spotify Podcast, new video episodes available everywhere every Monday (don't worry - it's business as usual on Tuesday and Friday with the usual Parenting Hell episodes) A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, you're listening to Football in Hell with Rob Beckett and Josh Whittickham. Good luck with the podcast. Oh. They're a laugh. They're in the media. Good luck with the podcast. It's nice to hear.

Got a series of clues if you can't get it, which is very difficult. Let's go get one more, then we'll get some clues. Okay. Danny Drink Water. I know that voice, but I'm going to need a clue. Okay. So same rules as before. I'll give you a clue if you guess and you're incorrect.

then you're eliminated okay okay first first clue I began my career at Fulham in 1982 and despite being five foot seven started as a centerback after 153 games for Fulham I moved to QPR in 1987 still as a centerback I can't confirm what I know I know who it is from that yeah I think I do because I recognize the voice now that's Josh's era it's Paul Parker Correct. Jesus Christ. Yes.

Wow. That's impressive. Almost stalker level impressive. Yes, please. Because he didn't even get to the Man United stuff. No, but you're short. Yeah. No, Josh.

That is some sort of rain man shit. Just, I'm sorry. I feel like a period that you weren't even alive for. When was you born? 1983, the year after Paul Parker started his career as a centre back for Fulham. Yeah. So I feel like from 1982, to up to like 2000,

you had some sort of alien intervention where you remembered everything that ever happened but then your brain was full and then nothing else went in. Correct. I've got so... I love the 80s. I'm fascinated by the 80s. I don't see Paul Parker as an 80s figure though.

I see him as a 90s figure. Where do you recognise his voice from, Josh? Because he often does stuff. So he'd often be like, when Manu, Sacker manager, Paul Parker, would be the person that they'd speak to. Do you know what I mean? He's... I literally never heard him speak or seen him...

Come on, Michael. Back me up here. Yeah, there was a period where he would turn up until slightly bleak Zoom calls to be a mouthpiece of something to do with United. Thank you, Michael. Good work. If we get some more of them, any football assisting? Want to send them in? Let us know. Yeah. We need the clues, though, after, you know... Let's call that the Ridgwell Law.

The Ridgewell Law. it's been a big week of football world. Do you know what, Josh? It has... Is it all totally meaning? Well, it is. Can I say, I find football really fun and silly and so popery. But watching the Man City game, I enjoyed all the jeering and you know that all when they pass the ball and then the crowd of shouting, gee, did you hear that?

Yeah. Did you watch the game? No. No, of course you didn't. Because it's meaningless. Well, yes, it is. It isn't, it isn't. I watched it, and I quite enjoyed all the jeering and the songs and stuff like that.

And then I felt sorry for the Man City fans because, like, it's not their fault. It's not their fault. Someone's bought them out. The owners need to go, I think, as part of the points deduction, whatever it is. However, when they did close-ups of them, holding up bananas and doing like, you. I love the bananas. You know, like that money thing. Oh, were they doing that?

That I didn't like. Bananas I liked because they're going, look, we were here before them. This is an 80s, singing off the 80s. I loved the bananas. You can only imagine how much I love the bananas. Of course you love the bananas. And for the, not for the bad reason of the 80s. No, just to be very clear.

Yeah. Just to be very clear. These inflatable bananas that they brought. Inflatable bananas because the inflatable banana craze of the 80s. Yeah, nothing to do with racial abuse. No, just to be very clear. Exactly. So I was watching the football.

It was actually quite a good game up until the sending off, which I thought was very, very harsh. Yeah. But then Man City just scored three amazing goals. And I was just like, oh, that's just because you've cheated. And the reason you've got Harland is because you've cheated in a past. Lance Armstrong peeled away from the Peloton and just... Banana reference.

Banana reference. But I was just like, yeah, you are good because you've cheated to get all these players. Because I looked at the squad. I was like, hang on, Samant City didn't win the league last year. Yeah. But then between January Chancellor Window and then the summer transfer, They've bought Crystal Palace's best player in Mark Gaia, Gayi. They've bought Bournemouth's best player,

one of the league's best players in Semenio. They've bought the best young midfielder of the world in Elliot Anderson from another rival. People used to buy players off their rivals once a generation or once every 10 years. Like Van Percy going to Man United, it was like a big, but Man City for 15 years have basically just gone, right, we've got all this extra money because we've invented a new system to get money, and now we're just going to buy everyone's best players. And it's like, oh, so all this has been bullocks.

Do you know what it reminds me of, Rob? Go on. Did you ever cheat on a computer game? Did you ever use the editing tool to make, yeah. It feels hollow. It feels so hollow, doesn't it? Yeah. It feels absolute.

You'd either make your stats really good on players or you'd like put all the good players on your team. Well, it's not watching a charity game now. Yeah, it is. It's like soccer. Of course they're going to do that because you've got all the players. those best players because it's unfair. Yeah.

And we've got Mark Wright and, you know, Joe Marla in defense. We've got to do his best mate here kicking off. Exactly. And they've got to do something about it because it actually is completely ruined the league now. The only, I think, I'm going to say this. Yeah. I think Man City fans deep in their heart want to be punished. 100%.

Because it's the only way they can regain. because what we're looking at here, right? And it was fun. It was for two weeks it was fun. But now this is what's going to happen. It's ruining the league. People are starting to question whether football matters, which obviously I find hilarious.

But it's mad that people are just realising. It's all a fucking pointless bit of drama to distract you from death. And it gives people a little bit of routine to stop them thinking about their own life for too long. Wait a minute. Was the Manchester City treble meaningless? Yeah? Yeah.

Even if they didn't cheat, it's meaningless. The whole thing's meaningless. I don't think my wife loves me and I've got no deep connection with the kids. Hold up, Coventry playing Newcastle. Let's watch that for two hours. Try and pretend I care. Good atmosphere, isn't it?

Coventry, home game on a Monday night, under the lights. I hate myself. Don't worry, Champions League's back. Watch this. It's a completely pointless. It goes on forever. Yeah. Don't let that get in the way though, mate.

This is distra. you and you're what's worse than this, your life. Oh, God. So, yeah. But the problem we've got, Rob. Go on. So, you know the Manchester City banner, a bit of fun. No, sorry, Manchester United banner that they've done.

About how many league years since they've won anything. Is that right? It's a bit of fun. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I, you know, we all enjoyed it on Friday when it was announced. But it does tell us where this is going, which is forever.

a discussion, a pointless discussion forever over whether Manchester City won those leagues. Yeah. In which Manchester City fans say they won six leagues or whatever it was, eight. And everyone else says they didn't win any. And that goes on forever. Yeah. Apparently this is what's happened in Italy. So Juventus.

Oh, with Juventus. Yeah. It's just forever. It's just the number is. Tainted it forever. The number is just negotiable depending on... Because it undermines everything. So if I'm a Man City fan,

punish me. Because the own... What do you want? Pulled out my trousers and slap me on my naked buttocks because I want it. In front of everyone. In front of everyone. Bend Pep over and slap his ass at Old Trafford

and then it's all okay. Mancini, Pellegrino, Mark Hughes, Pep. A bit Mark Hughes would love that, rubbing shoulders with those. lad, even with his ex down, with his massive rock-hard ass and big thighs. He's got, also, yeah, that would,

he's shame, perhaps saggy old ass. Who's got the hairiest ass out of those four? Got any pellegrine in it? He's like a fucking skunk. Big old long, thin legs with hairs about nine inches long on them. Right at the back ass he can't get to. That's via two contracts, man, Cheney,

one on each buttock, bang, bang. Oh, dear. The only way to be, to end this is for Manchester City to start again. Like, just to be, I don't know, just real, you know, we're talking the buttocks. We're talking going down. It needs to be. If they just get to go to the championship and come back up, no one's, it's just going to go on forever this discussion. It needs to be so severe that it never makes anyone think to do it.

because if you say to Men City, 200 million pound fine, 50 point deduction for two years, right, and no transfer ban, you sort of think, it's worth it, isn't it? We have 15 years of unbridled success. By the time anyone charges you,

it takes three years. By the time that's all happened, you've won all those trophies, and you've built the club into being really rich and successful. Yeah, exactly. It needs to be so brutal. It needs to be five-year, no transfers, five-year, 30-point, 40-point deduction,

and the owners have to sell. I think. But he won't be that. How about five years, everyone else decides your transfers? That's, yeah, that's a good idea. Yeah, every club gets to send a player to Man City for 50 million. In a swap deal. Yeah.

And like the NFL draft, you can start at the bottom. So whoever's bottom, Coventry or whoever it is. Tottenham. So they get first picks. So they can swap one of their players for what. Imagine the excitement, the Man City draft. Oh, and every, you pick a player. You swap a player?

You swap one player in. Does it have to be the same position? I don't think it does. No, I think you got, so whoever's bottom, say Coventry, well, whoever's left in the league. So say it's like, not in the forest, whatever. They can get Eddie Anderson back. All the players arrive in suits. Yes.

Or in their Man City shirts, which they have to then swap with the players they're coming out. Well, in America, they have caps, don't they? They have caps on the table. Yeah, yeah. So it could be scarf, half and half scarf or whatever. Half and half scarfs, yeah. And they all arrive. Yeah.

For one evening of, I'm happy to say it, pay-per-view TV. Yeah, and it's one-season loans, and then Man City still have to pay the wages? No, it's forever. Well, to be fair, not an unforester ago. Hang on, Elliot Anderson, on this contract, you're only getting paid 10 grand a week. What's happening?

You've got a PR day for some company for a million pound a month. God, what are you doing in that day? How many advert reads are you doing? What's the engagement on that ad for that? because you're only getting 10 grand for playing. You're only getting 10 grand for dictating the game at Anfield. Oh, it would be exciting. Then they've got a five-year ban with their new squad.

And it has to be managed by, they have to bring back PEP to see whether he actually is good. And Paul Dickoff has to play up front for five years in his current condition of fitness. It's current condition, yeah. Well, I genuinely, I think the main thing that's got to happen for it to move on is severe and owners have to sell. They need to be banned from owning a football club in the league.

Yeah. Because it's them that's done it. As much as the fans, you know, it's difficult for men and city fans to work out how to act. Because you don't you know. I'd say they're doing it wrong. I'd say. You like inflate with bananas.

Yeah, I'd say if Lou caught you cheating, right? Yeah. Where am I who with? Talk me for it. So you've been cheating for eight years, yeah? Yeah. Eight years? Yeah.

Right, okay. So I've got a Louverboard and a two-year-old and I start trying to shag about, yeah. Yeah. I had loads of energy for that. Admittedly, the cheating relationship, it did end five years ago. But it's still good. Yeah, okay.

So I shag someone for three years, right? No, no, no. You cheated for eight years and then five years. Yeah, okay. Yeah, a bit like Man City, basically. Same timeframe. So timeframe would be, so that was, I started cheating 12 years ago? Whatever the Man City timeframe is.

Well, yeah, basically, I started cheating two years before I had a kid. And when the kids got to like four and two, I thought Joe up, knock it on the head, Rob. Yeah. And now I've got, yeah. You've still got, you know, you've still got the memories. But I'm still attracting. honey's without the money now. Exactly.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah. And Luke catches you cheating and you go, I'm not cheating. I've got irrefutable evidence. Yes. Yeah. Let's go to appeal. Let's go to appeal on this, even though it's obvious I'm cheating and everyone knows

I'm cheating. What would my evidence be, though? Quite. It wasn't actually me cheating. It was the parent company of me cheating. It was the government of Abu Dhabi, and I'm nothing to do with them. It was the government of Rob Beckett, not Rob Beckett. I think you need in that situation, you can't continue the relationship.

No, I need to. If we are going to continue, I need some sort of punishments. Yeah. For sanctions. Well, you know, 35 of the charges for Man's City of failure to cooperate. Yeah. But this is the thing with the fans. Why are they doubling down? Well, they've got nothing.

They're embarrassed. They don't know what else do you do? They're basically like one of those people that, they're like one of those people online who gets a pile on them. and they decide I'm going to double down. Well, it's a vocal minority like anything, do you know what I mean? Yeah. So it's like the ones that are probably going, like Dave Master, like I think that Dave Master, maybe give him a ring and see how he felt about the result.

Because I feel like they are going, we'll ring Bill later as well because he did. But he must feel a little bit hollow with the win. Yeah. Also, because the sending off wasn't a proper sending off. And it was quite even until then. You want to beat someone when it's even? But they're all clinging on to this appeal. It'll be interesting to what they say after the appeal.

Hi, Josh. Hi, Dave. Sorry to disturb you. I'm just with Rob. Can I just ask you one question? Yeah. Did it feel hollow? It felt fucking great.

It felt great, didn't he say? Fucking great, he said. Were you there? No, no. A few of my mates where I was coming back from a trip away. But he was a... I think we're going to have quite a fun. season with this, if I'm honest.

Oh, really? I think we've got, I think we're armed with the sense of humor that means. Like, we, I think we all do know we're kind of bansorites, but I think we can kind of, we can have a bit of fun with it because it was very, it's very funny listening to Navajo and Kowager at this point. Oh, he's so in denial. He's so denial. No, no, I think, I think it's coming for us, but it's also, you got to be just going

emotions because he's not processed his emotions about it we're uh we're not a light club i mean we never were a light club i don't think but uh oh you were in the early 90s i don't think he's processed his emotions josh about this rob thinks you haven't processed your emotions no i have i just i think uh he was a great we played really well didn't we what do you think the performance of our players forget about the game well rob thinks it's a bigger thing about cheating and he he thinks there's there's you know There's bigger questions, philosophical questions at play that you're not engaging with. Are you aware that the guy that ran Studio 54, let me just take you to the day,

hey, and he got done, he had years and years of partying, and then he got done for money problems, you know, embezzlement or whatever it was. And then they had one massive night out before he went to prison. He knew he was going to prison the next day and they had a massive party the night before. Is that what this feels like for you? Yeah, I think that is it. I think the kind of the vitriol and the venom towards us yesterday. I wondered how I would feel about it.

But there is a part of it where you're looking at a load of players who it's not their fault. The load of fans in the stands who are clearly just trying their best to have a good time. You know, a lot of those fans will have been there in the 90s and stuff. So in the moment for 90 minutes, it was yesterday afternoon, away from all the sadness and the disappointment. It must be so sad to cheat. I just enjoyed watching a really good football team. And it is from the Snickson and Evelyn Carrague. They would not shut up about it.

Can they mention the charges 87 times across the game? It's like, I understand, but let's also just talk about the actual football game. Tell him that team only exists because of cheating. Okay, that team only exists because of cheating, Dave. It is, but what a team, how you? Can I ask one last day? We think that punishment needs to. be that the four managers,

Guardiola, Pellegrini, Mancini, and we want Mark Hughes as well. We want them to have their bare buttocks kind of hit in the centre circle, like bent over. Who do you think's got the best ass of those for? Name them again, because I will have opinions on this. Guardiola, Pellegrini, Manchini and Hughes. So I'll give me the order, shall I? Yeah, why not?

Yeah. It's, it's, it's, good. It's, it's, good. It's, it's, it's got a great-ass. Hughes would have had a great-ass, but he's, he's a little bit older now, so maybe he's, there's a little bit lost, but he would be number two. Manchini three, Pallegroarie 4. Yeah. Yeah, I think, I, you could argue with Hughes.

I think the age. Yeah. You know, good manager. Good manager. Well, thank you, Dave. Good luck. Enjoy your, you know, enjoy your ill-gotten gains. Do you want Man City to be punished really badly so that you can look yourselves in the mirror?

I think, I think we're, no, yeah, fine, yeah, we probably will. And it's fine. I'm all right with it. We'll have fun. We'll have fun doing whatever happens next. Do you know what I think? I think when United suddenly became shit United weren't armed with the right kind of tools to deal with that, which is why they've just been glum for 10 years, 15 years.

If this happens to us, yeah, it's not good at all. And we are banked rights with it. But I do think we will... Maybe you'll become likable again. You'll become the likable outsiders. Do you think the owners need to be fired? You'd get rid of the owners, though, wouldn't you? Nah, keep home.

We'll you do it all over again. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. It's horrible. He's rotten. I'm kidding. I'm going to go because I'm getting a floor fitted. All right.

See you later. Oh yeah. Who's paying for that, the parent company of Dave Masterman? That's a bit of fun at it. Right. Should we talk about other games? Yeah. El Sackico. Our shirts as well. I've got Leighton Orient shirt. And you've got Leighton Orient. That's so weird. We've got gone for rivals. We've gone for East London rivals without realising it.

My friend of mine runs Maber, Jonathan, and he sent me these because they're now doing Mabers a Spanish brand, but they're starting to do club kits. So it's nice. Oh, lovely. It's got a name like rubbery badges on top of the shirt, which I like. Oh, yeah, I like a rubber badge. This is all print. I'm not sure about it when everything's print.

I don't like it all printed in. It feels a bit cheap. Who's that team? Clapton, what? Clapton FC or whatever they're called. Are they Sunday League? They're kind of, I don't know what level they are. Clapton Common FC.

Are they've got a ground? No, they're not Clapton Common. They're Clapton. Community FC. Yeah. It wasn't for me. A bit like Clapton, really. I've never known anyone having such an about turn.

where they used to live. I love it. Michael? Yes. Would you sack Michael Carrick? Yeah, I would have sacked him at the end of our season. Nothing's changed. I've been staunchly Carrick out. Thank you. You did a brilliant job last year,

but you're not the right man to go forward. I've got a question, Michael. I've got a minute of question. If you lined up all the managers post-Fergison, pulled their trousers down and slapped their ass, who's got the best ass from Moyes up to Carrick? I don't want to see Ten Hark. I'd want to see Van Gales.

Oh, my own. Oh, Marino. No, I think Ralph Ragnack would be pretty robust. No, Rude Van Nistelroy. Oh, rude, maybe. Big, strong horse ass. Or Ralph. Tenar.

Giggs. Just like two of his heads. Giggs got great. He's got me the most recent time. His hair, he knows, isn't he gigs? It was funny, El Sakiko, wasn't it, Rob? It couldn't have been better. I mean, what's great from the neutral is,

whoever lost that game, it's funny. So you've got Tottenham having a bad run. You got May United having a bad run. I was at my niece's birthday party and then there was sort of like kids games going on in one room and then just sort of detached mainly dads watching El Sacko in the other room. And I was there and there was a dad of one of the kids that was there

and one of the kids who was about 11 or 12 was a Tottenham fan and we were watching and the dad was like, the more I spend time with Tottenham fans, the more I feel sad. Yeah, well, you're about to feel sad because we're going to surely call Bill in a second. The boy got really upset, and then I felt, oh, God,

and then when Tottenham scored, I actually did cheer because I wanted him to be happy. And also, like, I've got a lot of friends that are Tottenham fans, and there's just such a feeling of, they are so... I watched the highlights. They played well. And they... They played well.

There was only one man new highlight, which was them scoring. Everything else was Tottenham. Tottenham played really well. I honestly think, in front of goal, they've got some sort of final destination curse. Yeah. You know, Final Destination just it hunts the death.

It's like it hunts anything other than the goal. But even the rebounds were unlucky. It was bouncing off the post, bounce off people's. I think they want it too much. Yeah. Deserby said he kissed Bentoncore. Did you hear that? They said, how did you feel about Bentoncore?

When I kissed him in the dressing room because he showed blood and guts. What does he mean? In my head. Do you know he got sent off? No, no, no, no. Sorry. I meant what kind of kiss. Okay, here we go.

Trousers down. Who's got the best tongue? No, just in my head, they're kind of all sat around after the game on their benches. And in the middle, they're just getting off with each other. And it's like cheered like a rom-com

and crocodile Dundee. Yeah. He climbs across the other players. They're just really passing. Well, I imagine he's grabbed him and I think if he was British, you'd kiss him on the forehead. Yeah, but I think...

I think he's hugged him and kissed him on the side of the cheek. I love that. I love that. Yeah. What's Italian for? Much... Spanish lit much. Because they're both speaking Italian. No.

What does Erbys... Maybe it was just a really... What language to hamsters speak? Syrian normally, aren't they? Syrian Russian hamsters. Yeah. Maybe it's just like a kind of one soft kiss. Do you know what I mean?

Just on the lips? Yeah, just like a... No, I think it's a rough and ready one. I don't think they're passionately kissing. No? No. I think that would have got anyone on the inside of the Tottenham team? Well, let's phone bill.

Phone bill. Well, let's talk about... Should we talk about Manchester United first for a bit, then phone bill? Oh, yeah, yeah. I'll tell him what I'll call you five of them. It's so funny. Or so funny. Or so you're on Bill now, Michael.

Do you want to have a bit of time to think about what you want to talk about? I'm happy to talk about anything. Michael, can I just say, it's the worst start since 1985 or something. But that changes every year it gets worse. I know. Every year this happens. I just can't understand what's going on. Like, every year when you were breaking these records

I didn't know existed of how bad it's going. The good thing is, they'll be able to go, if it's bad next year, they go, this is the worst start they've had since last year. I know, but it never seems to be that. It always seems to be the 80s. What's happening, Michael? What's going on to,

a man United fan. Well, we have the wrong manager. We've had the wrong manager since we appointed Michael Carrick. That's not going to change until Michael Carrick has sacked. Like, he's not good enough at this level.

He's got no experience, has he? Well, just look at his managerial record. He inherited a team last year that couldn't have been any worse. So literally anyone could have made that team better just by picking players in their right position.

I mean, I could have done that after Rudy and Averin. Yeah, it's not witchcraft. And then all we had was league games. By the time he took over that job, who were out of Europe, out of the FA Cup, out of the League Cup. So you had players who are usually playing two, sometimes three games in 10 days. There was a period of 22 days where we didn't play a game.

And that wasn't even an international break. That was between our games. Like it's not difficult for players to perform. And then suddenly we're playing two, sometimes three times in 10 days, because we've got League Cup, Champions League League League. He haven't got League Cup anymore, have you? Well, we don't have any more. But he's not up to the job.

and that squad is not up to the job. It was so obvious what was going to happen. I'm sort of at the point of apathy. I'm at the point of apathy. I didn't even watch the game yesterday. I went to the cinema instead. I was like, I'm not doing this anymore. You didn't watch it.

I went to the cinema. I'd rather go to the cinema than watch that nonsense. What did you watch? Well, I watched two films, a film called Primetime, which is a new Robert Patterson thing about to Catch a Predator TV show in America. And a film called Artificial, which is about the opening eye guys saying something.

Oh my God, fuck me. You must be really, really. You must hate Man United at this date. It was a great game to what? Is it wild? Is the mistake that you've got an international, you know, mega brand football club, and it's seemingly being run by Jason Wilcox

who used to play for Blackburn. It just feels mad. It just feels, I mean, Jason Wilcox. He's a winner. He was a wing. He wasn't even in the England team. No winger's of football brains either.

No. Why is Chiefs of Wilcox running around you? Imagine. How many punsy he does? If it would tell us that Barcelona have handed over the reins to, you know, well, Steve Guppy, it would just be insane. Tottenham appointed Rule Fox as CEO. You just can't be doing that. It's just mental.

That's the problem. It's absolutely madness. Steve Stone here, Randy Nottingham Forest. He's been appointed by the owner. He didn't even play for a new. He's got nothing to do with you. Wilfrid Saha,

the new owner of Crystal Palace, operating. Yannick Balassie is supporting assistant. He's EA. Well, Michael, I'll look at your main night in fixtures. You've got yourselves, Athletic Co-Madrid away,

nice easy one on Wednesday. You're going to lose that. You're going to lose that. So here's the thing, we won't lose that. That's exactly the type of game that will get a plucky drawer in and it will just paper over the cracks.

I love the crack paper. These drawers, these results, they're bad, but they're not bad enough. That's high as pleased in the drawer. Well, because if Tottenham lost on Saturday, right, Deserby goes into the Coventry home game, Tottenham next week, If he loses that, he's gone.

Yeah. But he got that, I mean, he said, the things as well, a draw is so shit. It's only a point. Yeah, it's not worth having. I mean, it's like winning so many more points. That makes such a big difference if you win. Right, so he leads away, and then you've got Como away, and then you've got Ballmuff and Chelsea, Roma, Villa, Liverpool, Sporting.

Oh, Liverpool are so shit. We haven't even talked about how shit Liverpool are. Oh, Fabian Wirtz. Oh. Honestly, he can't. control it. He's a bad football. He looks like me in the over 40s dad football in the last 10 minutes. When your body has completely failed you, I scored a goal. I'm considering retiring. Why do I keep

playing me? That's the problem. He should be playing him. He should be playing because he needs a bit of fitness so that he can have a pizza. He might be. That's what I'm doing it for. Justify my pizzas. Anyway, this is a separate. I scored a goal at Five Side Football. I scored quite a good goal from the halfway line, which isn't far in Five Side Football. After I did it, I pulled every single muscle in my right leg.

I don't know what. I just kicked a ball. I'm talking thigh inside my hip, the front of my leg, the shin bone there, and then the back of the calf from one kick. It's a fucking joke. Anyway, Fabian Wertz looks like me in the last 10 minutes of Fiveerside Football. What does he do?

Why is everyone so bad? The only people that are good are the ones that cheated and then there's Arsenal who are going to win the league by default and then there's everyone else is bad at football. Now, Gravenbach was amazing yesterday

until he got sent off. He was brilliant. But Liverpool aren't good is what I mean. He wouldn't be planning. If he was a Liverpool reserve player he would have got a few games and they would have put him on the bench and sent him out on loan.

But when you spent under $140 million, because apparently the same debates going on about him in the Germany team as well. Is it? I don't know if he's got loads of good stats or something and the stuff we don't see. Does he, is it a bit like Mezzit Ozel? Do you know what I mean?

Do you remember the eternal Mezzit Ozel debate? No, he was, no, Mezit Ozel was unbelievable, but he basically was unbelievable or went missing. Right. Wirtz is just missing. Yeah, yeah. So Ozo would basically, a home game against a lower team, would pull the strings, set up three goals,

and maybe score. but then in a big game he would disappear and say like he was only good because he passed it to Ronaldo at Rio Madrid but he was unbelievable he did stuff that he's one of the best sort of technical footballers I've ever seen at Arsenal like not as good as Bergkamp I don't think but not far off also bought Barclos done nothing he looks so scared of PSG he looked like a monster

he looks like a little skinny bloke just panicking oh my God I'm so glad I'm not really cool phone should we ring Bill see what you think to top them this is what it's what everyone's waiting for exactly this is this is

it strikes me laughing thinking of in the phone and you think you want me to ask him Josh

that you can in advance I suppose if you if you could go through the last five Totman

and Amanda who's got the best to ask not a problem this is a one good week this is a chance for him

to bask in the glory of scoring the weirdest goal there's not been a weirder goal since Brennan Johnson in the Europa League final.

What happened with that goal? Because everyone just seemed to stop. No one's, suppose, barely celebrated initially. It looked like it was so shit, everyone couldn't believe it was a real goal. But it was actually quite a good goal because it was a good cross and he just a little touch. But it looks so shit. No one had. No one had.

No, the United play. Well, I think Tottenham scored a really good goal, but Man United played so badly in defense, it looked shit. they didn't even bother You know like if we just It's almost like Everyone was like Should we just pretend

That wasn't a goal You know in Sinefeld Put your arm up and just go Yep When George Costanza quits his job And then he decides Just come in the next day

And pretend he hasn't quit his jobs But he's been In Sainfield That's in Sinefeld I've never watched Sinefield Oh well I've filled you in That's all you need to know

On that bit I love Jerry Sinefield Right But I find he looks So pleased Of himself After every joke I find it hard to watch

Yeah Even though the jokes amazing and he's amazing. I love him chatting though. I love him, comedians in car. I love him being interviewed, but sometimes on stage he looks so happy with himself. I'm like, oh, come on, mate. I think you'd enjoy Seinfeld, but maybe it's dated. Yeah, I was friends. Yeah, I liked friends as well, obviously. I loved friends. Should we have a look at some, oh, Michael, what did you think of the main United defending for the Tottenham goal? I haven't watched any of it. Refused to watch it. You know how that guy won't

shave his head until, man, you know, win like five games in a row. God, that guy. What is he going to do? I might just not watch any United Do we feel for him? No. It was always too hard a bit. He's a nice guy.

Too many games. Yeah, if it was three or four. Do you think he's had sex with the big hair? Not with his own. I mean, of course. Do you think it has made him more attractive or less attractive?

You're going to have to put it into Cornrose if you're banging. You have to push cultural appropriation aside. You can't be putting it into Cornrose. You can't be putting it into Cornrose. You have to. You can't have that hair and have candles out and get all romantic. It's a fire risk.

True. True. Are we going to talk about Plymouth being top of League 1? Yeah, you're doing very well, actually. There was, you know, I enjoyed the Plymouth. I got on my message boards. I didn't know you did. So you're on the forums?

No, I don't. I am right. Maybe you've read. I'm a lurker. Have you ever written? No. Under a pseudonym. No.

because I don't care enough but there was a thread about how do you think the start of the season's got first 10 games Yeah, you're top of the league The top of the league People like If our home form

Commer or away form we'd be great You're like we're top of the league You're top of the league by two points Oh no but They've got games in hand But people are still not positive Rob What is wrong with football fans?

It's mental. They'll never be absolutely mental. They'll never be happy. You know, I just don't think we've got the squad. We should have bought another striker. We're top of the league. Just enjoy yourself. So I did another football podcast on Friday.

Jimmy Bullard's got a podcast called Bullard FC. Right. Where he does it from his pub, right? And it's a bit rowdy. They've got a great feature. I think it's the best feature in podcasting called Beer or Bounce. And a fan gives her opinion. and if basically

if everyone agrees with it you get a beer if you don't the bouncer comes in and throws you out the pub Is it an actual pub? Yeah it's an actual He owns a pub

So it's an actual pub And she just goes right And get rid of him And the bouncer And the bouncer Oh my God But it's just to stop people Just you know

You've really got to be confident In your opinion I'll do that And at one point Someone said like They were talking about Something in football Going I think

Someone so is this And I think they're like that And then they went And they started going at me again And I just went, I don't care. I don't actually care. I just got an opinion on it. If you really think otherwise, fine.

I don't care. But football fans get so passionate. They love their... When people go, it's a game of opinions. No, it's not. They're all so boring these opinions. It's a game of fucking too much. I know.

Including us. Including us. But we're talking about slapping asses. Who's got the best ass? Exactly. Oh, we need to talk. There's something exciting happened that I thought we needed to talk about.

What was it? I texted it to us. Did you? So we need to discuss this. Oh, my, Ronaldo's eight points? Oh my God.

But so I haven't read, I gave up reading it. Have you got to the eight points, Rob? No, no, I haven't. My notes are,

why there's so many mussely linesmen? There was a guy at referee in, I think, the Tottenham all Liverpool game, and he had. Well, they've gone pro, haven't they?

But he had such massive tits. It almost looked like, has he got implants of, like, females' tits? but they're not as muscle tits, which I find insane. I was like,

why do you just want to get massive tits that are hard? I think it's just a weird part of a man's body just have massive tits. I get the arms and legs, but why do you want massive tits? No one wants massive tits. Because he's got that flag. His job is all arms.

Yeah, but I just think, if you've got big arms or legs, yeah. They sort of go back down normally if you stop going to gym. But if you've got massive muscle tits, if you've got big flabby, empty tits. Yeah.

Because you've stretched the tip muscle. Let me just read you, Christiana Ronaldo's eight points that he put on his Instagram. So this is about why he left the Portugal squad? This was about, right, Ronaldo's statement included a reference. He said, the notes I validated were the following. So this is what he agreed with the manager apparently. Oh, so these eight points is what he agreed. Yeah.

I think it is important also because it is the truth to clarify a few things before talking about Denmark. One, I myself, this is what he wanted. the manager, he agreed with the manager had to say in the press conference. Imagine a player. Bill's ringing. Do you want to speak to Bill? Oh, yeah, yeah. And we'll come back to it. Hello, Bill.

Sorry, what was that, mate? I was going to sky. Oh, you edited away. Less about that. More about you've got to be happy, at you? Oh, no. All right, here we go. Go on. So, I would say my feelings on it all are,

I wouldn't say, I wouldn't say I'm not over the moon. I'm like, what it feels like is going in the right direction. Because do you know what? I've been saying for one, you couldn't have gone the other direction. Yeah. But we had 30, I've been saying for a week, we've had 30 minutes spells where we should have,

we were really dominant. It now feels like that main night game. We had 60, 70 minutes where we were good. And I would say that's progression. But we still aren't scoring our chances, which is really worrying. Yeah, you know, we still have loads of. You're playing better.

The main thing is, is that I don't think, think if the results go away next round fixtures next weekend well I suppose playing on the Monday. Commentary. You need a big win, didn't you? Yeah, we get a big win and United lose to the league. We'll go above United

and then we'll stop being the band's team. And that's all I want. I just don't want to be the band's team. That's it. Yeah. That's the bar. I'd say though you look like a better team but May United have got better players, I think. But up front, the defence is mental. But you look like you were playing better

football, making more chances. It feels like your strikers are cursed. I know. They are, I do. They can't, Rob, Rob, I've just said you something, which I know you're going to think you're so... Oh, is it stats? Yeah.

So, look, this is... Can I just tell you, Bill? Can I explain what you've just sent to me? You've sent me a heat map of every single football team. There are 20 rectangles with red, white, and blue on. So where teams or their opponents control possession, right? Okay. Yeah.

Look at ours. Ours is most similar to City and Arsenal. And Brighton, actually. But the way we're playing is like a dominant side, which I think it means that the only thing that's wrong is we're not scared. Can I say something? That is key.

That is key. Can I say something, Bill? Your heat map is a complete opposite to Chelsea's. Is it? Yep. Completely. If you look at it, it's everything.

There are a lot on there. Right. There are, yeah. It is as well, isn't it? Yeah. And I would say they are the most free scoring attacking team. So what I feel like,

what you're doing is you're controlling possession in places that have no impact. We got, we get it. Yes. Right. So the things with data is, is how you interpret it. Nice.

We're knocking the ball around nicely. We are nice. We do look nice the way we play football. We just can't score. We look great. Gary Neville was so jealous. It's great. Yeah.

No, so I think you're very positive. One second, Bill. Josh has got a question. Can we ask about these managers' arses, Rob? Oh, yeah. So we were saying, Man City should be punished by getting all their previous managers

in the centre circle, pull their trousers and pants down and smack their arces. And we've agreed that Mark Hughes or Pepper got the best arces. Yeah, if you could line up all of the last top of the manager. Do you want me to give you the run of managers? We'll give you the list of the, yeah.

Are we including Deserby in this? We are including Deserby. So basically, if you lined them all up, Bill, with their trousers and pants down, who's got the best ass out of, and I'll read the list to you. Deserby? Deserby. Igor Tudor. Igor Tudor.

Thomas Frank. Thomas Frank. And Postercaultu. And Gondon. Yeah, go on. Sorry, carry him, carry on. And Posta Goglu. No way.

Wait, hang on. Let me get it. Let me finish. And Antonio Conte. And Antonio Conte. Marino and Pocitina. So I think you want the younger, healthier looking bums. And I think that you want the deserbis, even though probably would be quite hairy. Yeah.

I think the Zerby one, Zerby and Pochitina. In my mind, it's got a little moustache on the undercarriage. Angis is at the bottom. Yeah, you don't. I think Thomas Frank would have a horribly kind of withered ass. I think Thomas Frank might have the ass of a 17-year-old girl. I think in the middle, you've got the older, Bums.

The older bums. I don't think many old bums, but I can't imagine old bums are nice. No. And I think, yeah, I think that, so you've got the Conteys and your Tudor's probably lower end. Did you not want Tudor in that list? Not really. He was a manager at your club. Rob, I would say that was one of the, that was the worst time of being a spurs fan that.

Really? That was the worst. Yeah, that was as dark as it got. I would say that those eagles or Tudor ones. Because do you know what? I read so much stuff about Spurs. I read everything. I read all that.

I read. that does every manager's post-match comments, the pre-match, I read everything about spurs. There, I was just like, why and why? He didn't care. No one cared. It was just like, why are we doing this? That was dark.

Anyway, yeah, I think Desirbian potches' bums. I think that they're the top two, and then I put Angie's bums quite far down. Fair enough. That's a good choice. I want to say one more thing, though, about the top of them, the thing that I messaged you about, which annoyed me, this is one of my gripes of football at the moment is that we're so,

when, do you know, when Bentonker head butted Luke Shaw? Barely. It was just two people couldn't, I hate how we've got so picky about, like, oh, I think there's forward movement there from Bentonker. That was, he, Luke Shaw came over and shoved him so hard. Yeah, he'd go, like, he should have got a red card.

Two red cards, I thought was the right outcome. And I just think those, and then, like, analyzing two people headbutt like how, it's not a headbuttack. In the olden days. Oh, no, I think he's got to go for that, Bill. I don't know. So you're saying red card for sure, yellow card for Benton Corps? No, red card for both.

Right. No, if by the rules, red card for both. However, I think these headbutts, like forward movement headbutts, analysing whether there was forward movement and headbutt, I think it's so pathetic. I can't. And then the other one that annoys me. What about, Bill?

What about only a headbutt if it's a broken nose and blood? Yeah. Yes. That's exactly the least and clear. I've pulled. If you crack the guy's nose and there's bloodshut you're fine, you know. And then I feel the same about hair pulling. If the geez has got like a clump of hair in his hat,

and, you know, Coogrella's got a bold spot, red card. But a little pull's like a shirt pool for me on a, on the hair. Yeah, unless it's not violent, if it's a little pull back like a shirt pull, should be a yellow card unless it's violent. Little hair pool. And then, yeah, they just really, I just got so frustrated with that. And I've got straight with Gary Neville sort of going, There's forward movement there.

I was like, ah, but he's just come over and shoved him. Anyway, there's my run. That's your run. Have you got a final question for Bill, Josh?

So do you think we should start a campaign to bring back proper headbutts? Do you think we should start a campaign to bring back proper head? Do you think we should start a campaign to bring back proper head butts? Get like Duncan Ferguson to lead the... Oh, yeah, that's exactly.

Fergus, Duncan, Fergus, you knew that was that. You like, blimey, he's not, almost knocked the guy out. You know. And you go, that's definitely a red. These are like two deer's stagging headbuts. It's so pathetic. This is my idea, Rob.

If they're going to send you off for a headbutt, you get a free headbutt. If you haven't done a proper headbutt, and they're going to send you off for it, he should be allowed to headbutt look sure. Well, you should be allowed to headbutt look sure if it's not a proper one. Just a little, little tap.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, 100%. Yeah, like, I immediately thought that when that happened. I went, well, he should go back and fully clout him now, because he's off now. He's not actually done a headbut, and he's been off for a headbut. Just go back in a boom, right across the horizon. You know.

So, Tottenham, you've got Coventry at home. Yeah, Coff. Chelsea. I think we only got Chelsea away, which would be tough. But I think we've got it's at home. I mean, I know it's so bad. What's your prediction? If he loses to Coventry, do you think there's Erbie goes?

Yeah, we're not losing to Coventry, though. we're not. If we lose the Coventry, we're in so much trouble. The weird thing is that everyone feels a lot more positive now after the weekend. We're still in the relegation zone.

We've only got three points. If he loses to Coventry and he gets brought in for a meeting, do you think he will show them the map, the heat map document you've just showed me? I think I would, if I was... Have a look at that, look at the heat on that.

If you're listening to this, Deserby, I would go XG first. XG first. XG first. XG then heatbacks. Right, cheers Bill. So what's the score for Coventry on Monday? 4-0, then Man United lose 2-0 to Leeds and we've got above them.

4-0. So you're going to score four goals? Based on... Don't ask you to name who's going to score them. Right, Phil... I'll be like Vanda Venn 4, I think. I think Conn of Gallagher's underrated, but I think he's a good player. He gets a lot of stick from the lot.

He worked so off the ball amazing. On the ball, like... It's quite important, though, on the boy, isn't it? It's really important on them. You know, there's some great comedians out there. They're off the mic. They're great, but just when they're on the mic, it's never quite doing it.

Bill, thanks, mate. I'll see in a couple of days anyway. Yeah, yeah, yeah, all right. Cheers, mate. Bye-bye, bye-bye. There you go. Best laugh in the business, Bill. Yeah.

There you go. I love it. I love it. doing well. I love hearing him happy, but I prefer and sad. It's so, I didn't even understand what they meant. Yes, we'll try and put this on our parenting hell, sorry, football in hell, Instagram. But he's right, though, they are dominating games like Arsenal, Brighton, Man City.

Yeah. Well, the thing is that, man, United have got the same heat map. So I don't get what they... Liverpool, a shit. Yeah. Like, so who's doing really well in the league? If you go to the league... Oh, no, let's not engage with this, Rob. Let's go.

What's that? Can I just... Can I just... I just read you, Ronaldo's eight points to finish, because they are fucking brilliant. They are. So this is what he wanted his manager to come out and say. One, I myself and no one else proposed Christiana a plan for him this sporting season with the national team. It was a long and very good conversation.

That doesn't even make, I don't even know what that means is a sentence. Two. It's like lawyer speak. I know. I know how much he lives and loves the national team and the weight he has in the world. and even more the weight and the positive influence he's had on the national team for 24 consecutive years. That's what he wanted the managers to say about the press conference. And now he's telling the world that's what was agreed.

Yeah, I mean, who is saying, number three, I proposed to Christiano, the plan I proposed to Christiano was accepted. Number four, he never questioned by options. He was exemplary, loyal and professional. Number five, the match in Norway was not part of the plan I drew up for him. However, I felt that he had managed to recover physically from the first match, and I warned him that I might have to use him. Cristiano agreed. This is the key one.

Number six, I made a mistake by putting someone of the stature of Palais or Maradonna on to warm up and then not putting him on in the game. If it were today, I would not do it. So this is what he wanted him to say after the event? Yeah. To deal with it. Oh, my God. He didn't do it, did he the manager?

No. And Ronaldo has then published these as if, this isn't the act of a fucking insane lunatic. Oh my God. Number eight, to close the subject to want Christiana and the national team, in fact, I do not want him a little, I want him a lot. Fortunately, he also believes in me. Number eight.

It's absolutely insane. About not greeting the fans, we've already spoken about that. Someone has played more than 230 matches to the national team does not receive lessons from me on the love for Portugal. It was a moment of frustration that erases nothing. He is the player who gives the most autographs, takes the most selfies and shows the most affection to the fans. Let us not invest in problems where they do not exist. It's mental. He's loved him. He's loved in Portugal, isn't he? I think they're split on him now.

If he played for England, what would your views be now? He shouldn't be there. But then, I know, I get it if he was from like, maybe like Iceland. You know, like they've got no other players. Yeah. But they're really good. that's what I'm saying and he is holding them back so he should step back and allow them to proceed

but England it wouldn't happen because there's so many good players but Portugal are similar you know you look at Bruno Fernandez he should be dictating that midfield imagine if at 42 Harry Kane is writing those statements he wouldn't know would he

that's why he won't wing Ballando though he's not pushing it enough because he's actually from Madeira Ronaldo yeah and I think there's a bit of beef what are you googling people from Portugal

do people from Portugal like people from Madeira because it is Portuguese Madeira Michael I suppose this is a good time Michael yeah you've got a statement about me and Rob haven't you that you want to read out

podcasters of the level of Stephen Bartlett and Joe Rogan should not be made to get on a Zencaster at 9am I don't think they dislike each other too much, but there's a little bit of banter back and forth. They take the mickey out of their accents because they sort of, it's an island, so they're a bit slower and more chilled.

It's a bit like the Isle-Wite. He's a very hard character to love. I think as well, the red flag for me is that he's like, he clicks and jills with Piers Morgan. Yes. That's always a red flag. That's like a, you know. Yeah. Oh, dear.

He's my kind of guy. Oh. Yeah. Okay. Right. Josh, absolutely love that. It's a big week coming up. See you next week.

Bye. Going on vacation, we're here for it. With kids who turned the backseat into a courtroom drama over whose tablet is louder, whose charger is faster, and while watching the same cartoon for the hundredth time is the human right? Yep, we totally have vehicles to handle that

because whether it's a road trip or a business trip, where your flight's delayed, your phone's at 2% and your dinner is weather is open. Yeah, here for that. to Enterprise, we're here for it.