Parenting Hell with Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe - S01 EP20: Aircon vs. Heat Wave

Episode Date: July 3, 2020

ROB BECKETT & JOSH WIDDICOMBE'S 'LOCKDOWN PARENTING HELL' S01 EP20: Aircon vs. Heat Wave Enjoy. Rate and Review. Thanks. xxx If you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @lockdownparent Got something to send us?LPHPO BOX 76748LondonE9 9DWA 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Hello, I'm Josh Riddickham. And I'm Robb. Welcome to Lockdown Parenting Hell. The show in which Rob and I discuss what it's like to be a parent during lockdown, which I would say can be a little tricky. So in an effort to make some kind of sense of the current situation. And to make me feel better about my increasingly terrible parenting skills. Each episode will be chatting to a famous parent about how well they're coping. Or hopefully not. And we will be hearing from you the listener with your tales of lockdown parenting woe. Because let's be honest, none of us know what we're doing.

Hello and welcome to Lockdown Parenting Hell with Dosh Pursuitin' Ropatic. That is Freddy who is three years old. His favourite toy is a little, nasty, cheap children's keyboard. The moment I wife brought it home last year, I knew it was a big mistake, and sure enough, two months since lockdown, the thing was driving me around the bend. Not sure which is worse, the incessant loop of the demo tracks or the infernal ding made from smashing the keys in a random order to his heart's content.

I know I should be encouraging him to develop his confidence and musical abilities, but enough was enough. With the dumps being shut and the the the the, had to think long and hard how to get rid of it. One evening, I left it in my neighbour's recycling bin. As I walked home, the feeling of elated relief turned into guilt. How could I crush his dreams like this? I went to turn it back to retrieve the toy, but then was too afraid that the bin Oh God. Yeah, that's the breeding ground inside of bin when I was in it. I probably wouldn't notice, but like clockwork, he came and asked where it was the following morning.

I told him that they don't make batteries for any more, so he had to send it back. He was so distraught for three days and I felt so bad. I ended up ordering him a new keyboard online. It's bigger, it's louder, and it was more expensive. And even worse, it has more demo songs on it. That is from George. You can't rush sadness, I found with kids. You just have to put up with your awful life until it slowly gets better. You can't rush it. You can't, because it just makes it worse. Yeah, I saw, it was the day after boxing day this year, so December the 27th, and there's an Oxfam just down the road from me, and I walked past, and there was a big children's keyboard

just propped up on the wall at Oxfam. And I thought, what is the story of that? That was a Christmas present less than 48 hours. Yeah, what was that child done that has led their parent to leave that outside an oxfam within 48 hours. Yeah, because also it's kind of rain, it's bad weather, it's going to ruin, you know, people just panic and dump it outside the shop. Yeah. Have you ever been to an oxfam or like a charity shop in a posh area? I was at a meeting and they had a Gucci jumper for 250 quid. I mean it's a great saving they're normally about 800 or a grand but I was like who's buying your secondhand Gucci jumpers from

Oxfam so I just didn't know who's going in there because surely if you're if you want a Gucci jumper you're madly rich that you don't really care that it costs a grand yeah and anyone that sort of wants to save up and get one I mean you could get a second hour but it isn't getting something high-end like the experience of going to like a self-reges as a special event to go buy a bag or a jumper not just like oh yeah I was in here for you know vignals of by I was having to look through the VHS nostalgia reasons and I think I might to to to to to the the to the the th th th th th th th th th that I'm th th th th that I'm th that I'm that I'm th th th that I'm th that I'm that I'm that I'm that I'm that I'm that I'm that I'm that I'm that I'm that I'm that I'm that I that I that that that that that that that that that that that that the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th th th th th th th th th th th th th th the the the the the the the the the theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee an to the an the an that's the an to look through the VHS's nostalgia reasons and I think I might pop that hoodie on for 250-stakes. I'm getting an old autobiography of DesLynum and then I'll get a Gucci jumper. It's ridiculous.

That's got to but you have made it. If you're doing your clear out bag and you pop a Gucci jumper in the other one's though. Stick it on eBay, I'll tell you, I'll that's, I, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll that's, I'll that's, I'll that's, I'll that's, I'll that's, I'll that's, I'll that's, I'll that's, I'll that's, I'll that's, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I..... that, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll that, I'll that, that, that's...... Yeah, I'll that's. Yeah, I'll that's. Yeah, I'll that's. Yeah, I'll that's. Yeah, I'll that's. tell you'll get. tell you'll get tell you'll get. that's. that's, I'll get. that's, I'll get. that's, I'll get. that's a that's a that's a that have broken up. Someone's left the Gucci jumper at the other one's house. Oh yes, that is it? Yeah. Sometimes I love, you know, being in a happy relationship. But I do sort of think that the fun of like revenge you could get if you actually broke up with someone, stuff like that. Like you can really let your imagination go mad.

Just like, I'm just going to Oxf, because you couldn't go in and claim it back, could you? No. If you're on the end of that. No. Go, excuse me, my wife came in here with a Gucci jumper, the one that's in the window for 300 quid. I didn't okay that so it's tanky theft and your hand is sold and good. Because that's what it is, isn't it? Yeah. It's like that. It's like, that's like, that's like, that's like, thatid or whatever and you're like, am I gonna ask for a change on this? Yeah, it's all very awkward. I massively tipsed the other day by accident. I bought some like jerk chicken from a market stall. Yeah and it was like I thought he said 1850 but he said 1150 and I gave him 20 quid and we keep the change. When did you realize like an absolute like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that their th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I've th. I've th. I'm th. I'm thi th. I'm thi the. I'm the. I've the. I've thi the. I've th. I th. I th. I and we keep the change. And when did you know that? Like an absolute baller. But I'd like, fucking hell. Eight quid.

Eight pounds fifty. And I was like, I could have got another portion of chicken wings and still tip four quid. And I'd have had more food and still look like a legend. How's your week been, Rob I mean the heat wave last week was just outrageous it was unbeck my children didn't go to see how was your daughter sleeping what was her she's the same? So we've got we bought an air con two years ago unit that a portable one or one on the wall properly no like a portable one yeah do you remember was it 20 2018 wasn't it

that absolutely yeah? Oh 2018 wasn't it that absolutely? Oh, the world car. Yeah, that period. Great summer of our lives. So we bought that. It's portable, but it's portable in the way the heaviest thing in your house, and in the way a sofa is portable. Yeah, yeah, like a car is without tires. It's technically portable, but you don't want to move it. So it sits in her room all year. th. So it. So it. So it. So it. So it sits in. So it sits in. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's the. It's the. It's the. It's t toooooooooooooooo. It's toda. It's today all year and then probably gets what, five days of run out every every year? Like, Mesa Erzil? So it's it just sits there and she's scared of it so you can't have it on at night.

What's the point of it? But you could have cooled the room down. You're a quick blast of cool down before she goes to sleep. And that's got us away with it. I think we may have to invest in that because basically the front of the house doesn't get that hot but the back of the house gets like red hot like it's like it's like talkie in our back garden the way the sun comes down I've never known a hot garden in the UK it all came to a head on Saturday, two little Margaret Thatchers. This woman's not for sleeping, just tearing around the house. They've been going to preschool though, but preschool's four hours. So it's not quite enough to t get them and they come home blood red because they're in this sort of like,

it's like a like a little scout hut sort of building with a garden and they go off to like forest school but it's like 30 degrees and kids don't think of the consequences of running all day. Yeah. And then they come home and their head's dripping with sweat. Their eyes are all their their thoe. Anyway, fine. And their they they they they they they they're they're they're they're they're they're all all all all all all all they're they're thi. And they're they're they're thi. And th they're their their head their head their head their head their head tho. their head. their head's their head. And th their fine. It got to Saturday and then I went around my brothers sat in the garden and they've not seen their cousins so they were madly excited about seeing their cousins because of lockdown and then they came home. Then I had a few friends come around sitting the garden and then they love attention. And they love attention so much my daughters. It's it's they're they're they're they're their their their their their their their their their their their their their their not. It's. It's their not. It's not. I's not. I's not their not their not their not. their not. their not their not their not their not their not their not their not their not their not their not their not their not their not their not their not their not their not their not their not their not their not their not. their not. their not. their not. their not. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. I. th. I's th. th. th. the. theat. theat. th. theat. th. theat. theat. theat. their back and said, she likes telling jokes and she sets up little theaters to perform puppet plays at the rest. And I was just like, oh God.

And I personally, you know some people would love it if their kids are like that. I'm like, please do anything else. I feel like a boxer or a criminal. I've done this live this life. Oh, you're going to be in 20 years, you're going to be sat in a small room in Edinburgh watching your daughter's Edinburgh show. I tell you what, like, they can be whatever they want. I don't care. Who they may? I don't care. I don't care their children for, I don't care. But if they join a sketch troop, I'm having nothing to do with it. I'm not sitting there watching my two

daughters in Edinburgh in the skin blisters, sisters, crazy, wacky sketch group. So I don't know it, I don't know anything, Josh. Homody, I know and understand, and I think I'm good at it and I can do that right so I don't want them to do that because I'll keep telling them what to do all the time I wanted to go off and be a doctor or a barrister where I could just go yeah you're right I don't know anything good luck I'm here for you if you need it when she's 18 and she goes that money you're saying for university I want to go and Well, you know, it's quite interesting. Ruby Wax, his husband's Ed By, the director of Bottom and things like that. And his two daughters were in a sketch group. And he went up to watch him in Edinburgh with Ruby. Wax has done like comedy and theatre shows and stuff. And then they were watching and then at the end there was like, oh, have you thought about doing this or

or doing that? And they went, you don't stop, stop, stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop telling us what to do. I was like he said literally directed bottom. Like if you want someone to tell you how a double that works or a sketch group work instead. But anyway so they keep performing and they all my friends come like round and then they were stood in the middle we've got like a corner sofay outdoor seating area with a table on it. It's quite a low, it's like a coffee table size table, sied. She was stood on it right. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the old. It. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's like. It's like. It's like. It's like. It's like. It's like. It's like, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the, the oldest, stood on him, saying, right, it's time for the show. Phones off, everyone, phones down, right? And then just started performing, but not to the people, just to her own reflection in the window, right? Anyway, so this was going off, she was screaming and she was so tired. And I said, just go upstairs, right, and just have your iPad, and she was like, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, and, and, and, and, and, to, thi, to, and, and, and, and, to, and, to, thi, tho, the the the the the the, and, and, and, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, th. And, th. And, th.. And, th... And, th... And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th th to, to, to, to, to, to, tooan, tooomomorrow, toe. tooan, toe. th's losing a voice, Josh. She spoke so much,

she said, but I don't want to miss out. I don't want to miss out on people. So she came back down. The youngest, the two-year-old is exhausted at this point, came and just laid on me, but like passed out immediately, like she was either drunk or seriously ill, right? And now she's just, she's the thrown this ever. She's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, to. to. to. She's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's,. I. I. I. I. I. I'm, to. I'm, I'm, I'm, but, I'm, but, I'm, but, but, but, I'm not. But, I'm, I'm, I'm, but, but, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I. But, I. But, I. But, I. But, I. But, I. But, I. But, I, I, I. I. I, I. I, I. I, I. I. But, I. But, I, I. But, I. But, I. But, I. But, I. But, I. But, I. But, I. But, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm not, I'm not, I don't. to. to. to. th. to. th. to. to. to. th. to. th to. to. to. to. to. to. to. like, I was having to do that thing you'd see if her chest is still breathing. She was so out of it, right? So then she's on my lap, the other one's screaming and crying and running around because she's all amped up, screaming in everyone's face and I'm trying to like have a conversation with the adults that are there. And the youngest wakes up on me, and the youngest wakes up, tha, tha, tha, th, th, th, th, she, she, she, she, she's, she's, she's, and she's, th, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, th, she's, th, she's, she's on, she's on, she's on, she's on, she's on, she's on, she's on, tho, tho, she's on, she's on, she's on, she's on, she's on, she's on, the other, the other, the other, the other, the other, the other, the other, the other, the other, the other, the other, the other, the other, the other, the other, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's on. the other, tho, the other, tho, the other, tho, tho, the other, thoooooooom. thooooooooo, than, the other, thooooooooo, the other, the other, the I realize she's not had a nap for about a year and a half, right? She don't do naps, yeah? And she's potty trained, but not a night, she wears a nappy. So she woke up, cried a bit, started pissing, pissed all over me.

Complete, I'm on the sofa, completely covered me and thiats. But like not just a little bit out, I'm talking like a bucket worth. And it I my shirt was wet my shorts was wet she was soaking wet all the way down from sweat and we and then I carried her and she was still pissing on me we got to the toilet the sofa was covered in piss oh my god did it how did you keep your call I just went she's pissing and all my mates were in the the garden laughing I they were just the the the the the the the the the the the their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their I was their their their their their their I was their I was their I was their I was their I was their I was their I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was their their their their their their their their their their they I was they I was they. they. they. they was they. they was the they was the the they was they was the the the the their their the they laughing at me, right? Because I've got her on my lap in the front room. I've got her up and put her into bed, but they were just manic. They were just like, like wild animals. But then that we went to bed earlier, because it got a bit colder on Saturday night.

They went a bed earlier, and then they slept in till seven. And they've just started there, but Lew's, and I got so pissed that I went a bed at 3 a.m. on Saturday night, and then I woke up and then I couldn't function all day, and then I'd a nap. their ti. And then I'd a nap, the kids to bed and went and laid in my bed, shut my eyes, woke up it was 10 o'clock. Oh my God. What did you do at 10 p.m.? I panicked, I come downstairs and I tried to make a coffee because in my Ed we were supposed to be doing this podcast. Because I'd had three hours, you know, not game. But it was just awful. I'm not going back to university to be your friend.

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Eligibility and member terms apply. You've got to get an air con, mate. Well, a big thing that can just do the upstairs. Ours just does her room, which is actually quite galling galling galling galling galling galling galling galling galling thing thing thing room down and then put it in the hallway and let it do the upstairs wait it's so heavy it's so heavy. Sorry for sort of just running about that it was just horrific it's absolutely what we're here for. The other thing that they do the eldest when she goes right it's time for the show it's time for my show she says her name she goes right I'm just going to go to to to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go the the the the the the the their. It's their. their. It's their. It's absolutely. It's absolutely. It's absolutely. It's absolutely. It's absolutely. It's absolutely. It's absolutely. It's absolutely. It's absolutely. It's absolutely absolutely absolutely absolutely absolutely absolutely absolutely absolutely absolutely absolutely absolutely absolutely absolutely absolutely absolutely absolutely. it's absolutely. it's absolutely. it's a the a the a the a the a the a the a the a the a to absolutely my show, and she says her name, she goes, right, I'm just going to go and get her, so she pretends to be her own emcee and then she comes around with ice creams, pretending that she's playing about four characters. Oh what? So has she's been, she's been told by an the theatre? Yes, so, so she's. So, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the, so she's, so she's, so she's, so she's, so she's, so she's, so she's, so she's, so she's, so she's, so she's, so she's, so she's, so she's, so she's, so she's, so she's, so she's, so she's, so she's. So, so she's, so she's. So, so she's, so she's, so she's, so she's, so she's. So, so she's. So, so she's. So, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, she's. So, she's. So, she's. So, she's. So, she's. She's. She's. She's. She's. She's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's. She's. She's. She's. She's. She's.'s took that in and also it's quite, when you get told by an adult,

like at the theater, those people say no phones are quite serious. And I don't think like toddlers ever see an adult being serious to him. Yeah, she's really taken that on board. She's gonna be like Chris Rock. Do you want here from our listeners? Yes, please, Josh. It's the lockdown parody mail bag. But it's actually emails and there's no bag. Josh, we've had some new salty emails. We've got two, one sorties and one sort. I thought this was dead and buried, but it looks like there is enough salt to go round from you, Josh. You know, TV's, you know, most likable man. It's got a bit of a the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the their the their their theirkey. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. It's the th. It's the th. the th. th. the the th. the the the the the the the the the the the the th. the the th. the the the th. the the the the th. th. th. the this was dead and buried, but it looks like there is enough salt to go round from you, Josh.

You know, TV's, you know, most likable man has got a bit of a nasty side. But let's have a couple of unsalties. Okay. Okay. So, I had the pleasure to meet Josh at the recording of QI in early 2018. I was a special guest brought on to race in a sack race. I just beaten the world the world the world the world the world. I toe. I toe. I toe. I toe. I toe. I toe. I toe. I toe. I toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, told, told, toe, to be to be to be to be to bea, to me, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, too. I was, too. I was, t. I'm, t. I'm, t. I'm, t. I'm, t. Wea. I'm somea, tf.e. I'm, t.e.e. I'm somea. I'm t. Soe. Soe. Soe., t. So, race. I just beaten the world record in it previously held by Mo Farah. As a bit of a gimmick they made Josh race against me on a 10 meter track in the studio. As we lined up on the starting line it was all fun and games until Sandy shouted go it was as if a demon overtook Josh. He

took off at a rate of knots with the winning line in sight. Luckily for my ego and record he fell flat on his face at about the six to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. too. too. too. too. too. too. too. too. too. to me. to me. to me. to me. to me. to me. to me. to me. to me. to me. I. I. So, to me. So, to me. So, to me. So, to me. So, to me. So, to me.... So, to me. So, the. So, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. th. th. th. the. the. toe. toe. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. the to. the the the th. the the record he fell flat on his face at about the six meter mark. Do you remember this Josh? Yeah, so this was I genuinely, he was the world record holder at the sack race and I outpaced him for the first five meters and I couldn't believe it was happening. But then I went too hard and I fell over in my sack and I almost broke my wrist. I like genuinely, you know like you go on League of their Own and you think well that's a show I might get injured on. I almost broke my wrist on QI. Also you are very competitive aren't you? Yeah it's a genuine issue I have to deal with in my own psyche. I didn't realize it till I've got to know you more but you are fiercely competitive in everything. It's awful

you know like the athletes where it sort of can ruin a vibe because someone's so competitive. You do have, but you manage it well, but you have the potential and I can imagine, stood in a sack in a studio floor, you are peak competitive. Oh mate, exactly. You're thinking this could be a huge moment in my life if I win this 10-met-sack race. Anyway, he said after the recording I approached Josh driver a photo in a and a quick chat, although he'd experienced a crushing and humiliating defeat in front of the nation, he was as nice as fire and highly, and I stress this, highly unsalty. It was briefly mentioned that he had not had a good night's sleep because he had a baby only weeks, possibly days previously. I hope that wasn't me giving an explanation for why

I'd lost the sack race because that is pathetic from me if I was going I would say that is your competitive saltiness coming out there but he's not seen that that as a friend I noticed that but that is you awful from me. That is from you. Well done mate with your world record in that but I didn't get much sleep actually just had a kid so I've got a child carry on in your little sack. That's what I'm getting from that. Awful. That goes down salty. Right, um, okay. I think that could go down as potentially salty. We've got another non-salty. Hi guys, just another story about meeting Josh and him not being salty at all. I work at a venue in Newcastle

Newcastle and Josh performed with us last year. Great gig afterwards we thi that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that th. that that that that that that that that that that thi. that that that that that that that that goes that goes that goes that goes that goes that goes goes goes goes that goes goes goes that goes that goes that goes that goes that goes that goes that goes that goes that goes that goes that goes that goes that that that that that that that that that that that th is is th is th is th is video for us in support of the theater. Josh was an absolute pro, friendly and willing and delivered a great message on video completely off the cuff. So that is a huge non-sorty love in for you. It was lovely. It was a lovely day actually. I went to Newcastle, I went to St. James's Park and watch Newcastle to be Man U.Ni One-Nil. Oh, that was electric. That's. That's. That's. That's. That's. That's. That's. That's. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. to. to. th. to. to. th. the the the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. to. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. th. the. th. the. th. the. the. the. the. the. electric. It was brilliant. And then I was, Ivo Graham was supporting me and we were starting at 8 o'clock and he wanted to get the 826 from Newcastle to London. That's not acceptable professionally. But five minutes before the show, the guy popped his head in the dressing room and he was like, a third of the people still haven't shown up and I've never laughed so much to see Iro's face at that moment.

So it's a delayed start. Did he get his train? He got his train. He did 18 minutes, which is unprofessional. That's not okay. That is unprofessional, Josh. So what time did he get off stage? 22 minutes passed and he managed to run it and get the train, which, which, which, which, which, which, which, which, which, to be, to be, to be, to be, to be, train, to be, to be, to be, to be, to be, train, to be, their, to be, to be, to be, to be to be to be, their, their, to be, to to their, to their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, train, the, the, the, thea, train, thea, train, train, train, train, train, thea, train, the, their. their, their's the best victory of the day in Newcastle after them beating Man United. The venue I did there, basically the venues are lovely, the people are lovely, right?

But the problem is, at the bar, all the drinks, you can only have no beer or two pints a beer in a massive cut. Because I think their idea is you buy that and start the show and you don't need one in the other. Which is nonsense because what happens is people drink two pints and then in an interval go and get another two pints. So the interval was taking normally 20 minutes was taken about half our 40 minutes and they was all going yeah we can't work how I takes long. Is it because every drink literally takes twice as long to make? It's like, thrown. Is because because because because their their their their their their their. Is their. Is thi. Is their. Is thi. Is it's because thirty. Is it's because their. Is it's because their, is it's because thi. their, is it's. thi. thi. their, is. their, is, is, is, is, their, thauill, thauiting. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their. People. their. trie. trie. trie. trie. trie. trie. trie. trie. People's. trie. People's. People trie. People's. because it's got two pints in a cup instead of one pint so surely it just doubles the amount of time and I was like oh yeah now you put it like that. Everyone's desperate for a piss as well the cues for the toilet must be unbelievable. Exactly you can't anyway so they do the two pint in Newcaste they lovedler but I love that I love the croud of the opera house, you do the two point place. My mom came with her mate that she's met in Spain.

There was 24 of them, right? And I say to I always, after a gig, I don't know about you Josh, I like five minutes to just calm down a bit because they're big rooms, aren't there? It's like thousands of people laughing and you know, and it's a bit of this emotion and just, oh, you're just like, if I had to five minutes and then I'll go out and I said to my mom, go to a pub next door and then I'll come and meet you and then that way I can manage it a bit more and I could just calm down a bit anyway.

She found my tour manager, I went yeah Rob wants to see us. But I came off stage, right, at 10 to 10 to 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10, I, I, at 10, I, I, I, I, I'm 10 room. There's something small. I'm holding half a bottle of water. It's any bottle or I got left. My mom went, oh give me that, I'm gasping. And trap my drink. Anyway, that might have been a bit sulted from me, but lovely time. So here's a salty Josh. Hi. My story starts with one of my best friends Carl, who used to live with Josh. Oh, Carl Walter, it's lovely bloke, live with him for a year. When was this? What age is it? Not, he wasn't very good at FIFA. Oh, that's a problem. So it was me, him and Tom Crane used to live together in Turnpike Lane, right?

When we moved him with Tom, we started a kind of game of FIFA, you know where you play on the same team and you do try and build up the leagues? Yeah, like go through the leagues. We take a half each and he was such a liability. No, FIFA but we didn't have the guts to tell him that we used to wait till he'd go to bed and then sneak back down to play without him. Oh that's awful. That is worse than salty salty Josh. No he used that is awful. That is awful. That is awful. That is awful. That is awful. That is awful. That is awful. That is awful. That is awful. That is awful. That is awful. That is awful. That is awful. That is awful. That is awful. That is awful. That is awful. That is awful. That is awful. That is awful. That is awful. That is awful. That is awful. That is awful. That's awful. That's awful. That is awful. That's awful. That's awful. That's awful awful awful awful awful awful awful awful awful awful awful awful awful awful awful awful awful awful awful awful awful awful awful awful awful awful. That's awful. That's awful. That's awful. That's awful. That's awful. That's awful. That's awful. That's awful. That's awful. That's awful. That's awful. That's awful. That's awful. That's awful. That's awful. That's awful. That's awful. That's. That's. That's. That's. That's. That's. That's. That's. That's awful. That's awful. Oh. That's awful. That's awful. That's awful. That's awful. That's. That's. That's. Oh, that's awful. That's awful. That's awful. Oh, that's awful. That's awful. That's awful. Oh, that's. You got to be aware. Snidy Josh. No, he used to run his defenders out. Like, you just... Oh no, so it's basic stuff, isn't it? Basic stuff, man. So you couldn't even rely on him to grind out a nil-nil.

No, exactly. You just see a center back, like running at the and it would just I can't. Do you know why you're a good hand Josh you let him go to bed? Lesser people would have been spiking his drink so he slept. Sleeping tablets crushed up just though we could get a few hours in anyway. So my story starts to one of my best friends Carl who used to live with Josh. He was really good mates who've one of Josh's very good mates. I all lived again for a while in North London before going off to become parents. I went to a pre-Edinburshow to see Josh and the guy I was with was being a really annoying idiot during Josh's set. I went to apologize to Josh afterwards but he understandably was salty with me. Ian informed me that Josh was really not happy with me at all.

I got it, you know, I'd brought this idiot along who was heckling So I didn't blame him. Anyway, fast forward to the Latitude Festival where I was going to meet up with Ian. Ian told me that Josh wasn't up for it when he found out it was me they were going to hang out with. Apparently he said no, just no. And Lisa has gone with salty as fuck. This was at the end of the matter. Josh then seemed to be everywhere I went. I went to gigs at Brixton Academy. He the the to. He to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the to to the the the the the the to the the the the the the to the the to the the to to to to meet up up with the the to meet up with to meet up with to meet up with to meet up with to meet up with to meet up up up up with to meet up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up. th. th. th. th. th. th. matter. Josh then seemed to be everywhere I went. I went to gigs at Brixton Academy. He was there. He spoke to everyone but ignored me. Josh, this is so funny.

I don't remember him at Christmas Carols in East London again. He spoke to a friend's cheerily but blanked me. I saw him about, this is like six cents. You're sure you're not dead. You're not the ghost. You're completely a blue. I saw him about six times in a year at various different places and each time we did not speak it became a huge source of amusement for my friends. Oh no. It came to a head at a Christmas party. I mean, it feels like there's been a real narrative here that you don't know you're involved in. Yeah. Anyway. Anyway. Anyway. Anyway. Anyway. Yeah. Yeah. It. It. It. It. It. It the the the the the the the the the th. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's to. It's to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to be. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. the the the the the the the the th. the th. the the the the thi. the the the the the thi. the the the the the the th the thi. the thi. the thi. thi. thi. thi. thi been a real narrative here that you don't know you're involved in. Yeah. Anyway, it came to a head at a Christmas party hosted by Ian.

Josh was there and I decided I needed to have it out with him to apologize once and for all for pissing him off that day. After some Dutch courage, I spoke to Josh and it became clear he had zero idea who who I was. It turns out that Ian had been on quite a big wind-up with me and the universe had also decided to get involved. As you can imagine, this was rather embarrassing, and I have managed not to bump into Josh since. Oh wow!

That is unbelievable. So Ian's the troublemaker, it. That is amazing. But also, oh my god, just the coincidence of repeatedly bumping into this person, no idea. The worst thing is, I've got no idea who this person is. Yeah, most people heckle and interrupt your shows, don't they? It's quite difficult for you to remember such a little bit. Yeah, as you said they walked out. 15 people walked out that night, don't number it?

Another day in the office, for a minute. Heckling at a preview as well. Oh, I don't know. But I feel sorry for it because I know it's like you go somewhere with someone and if they're being an idiot and you're with, you're associating with them, it's awful. So bless her. But yeah, there's not much saltiness coming in. That was, that was, that was, genuinely, it felt like it was gonna be salty, but it was quite opposite. Rob, we've got a request for what would Rob Beckett do? Always, always here. Don't be scared to use a device. The timeout step can be your ally.

Ally. Don't be afraid to say no to your kids. No to your kids. No to your kids. It's okay to apologize as a parent. Apologize. Never hit them. But don't let them think you won't.

You're listening to WWRBD. What would Rob Beckett do? OK. This this this this this this this this this this this this this, this is from Kimberley Halpin. My son is three and a half and he is obsessed with his willy. I spend far too much of my time showing hands off your willy, to which he replies, but I love my willy. Which always without a doubt makes me laugh. I really thought it would be a good few years before this became an issue to be honest. I'm no idea what to do to stop him at least not have his hand on his will the tasks of the day. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Well they um what to stop kids biting nails they put a horrible little like cream on him that makes taste disgusting so you could maybe th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th really really really really really th th th really th really th really the the the the the tho tho tho tho tho the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the I the I the I th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the thououe the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the to stop kids biting nails, they put a horrible little cream on them, don't they? That makes taste disgusting. So you could maybe just put that on his knob, but then I think that's probably going over the line, isn't it? I don't think that's allowed. Also, he's not going to taste it with his, but I suppose then you can't put deep peat on a child's knob, can you? Even if it is your own. I think that's against the rules, Josh. Yeah, okay. The more you make a thing out of it, they'd want to do it more, don't that?

Yeah. I'd say, if he's getting his dick out, we need action. If the dick's standing to school. This needs to be over by that. Yeah, that's the problem is that you need to get these things ironed out before school or he's just going to be called like nickname Dick Touch or something. That's his name. And he's going to be like, Dick Touch, and I'm going to be like, their, that. So it's like, you've got to nip it in the bud. But I don't know, because I've only got girls. I just tap out of that and let Lou deal with it. I don't want to be like a 90s-50s dad.

And I'll, you know, I'll talk to girls about anything. But when it comes to them touching their vaguinas, Yeah, sure, how are you feeling about your first period? Sure, I can talk. I mean, I don't know if you should be like that, or I'm being an old-school dad by not getting involved. Knowing the age of your daughters, if you say how are you feeling about your first period, you're going to have to give them a lot of information they don't need at this stage and their lives. That's an early chat, I that's, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I that's, I that's, I that's, I that's, I that's, I that's, I that's, I that's, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, that's that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that's, that's, I. that's, I. that's, I. that's, I. that's, I. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi, I'm thi, I'm than, I'm thin, I'm thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi, thi what did I just, it's hard fun, isn't it? Yeah, oh, hopefully not, ideally. That's even worse. Do you know what, Rob, I think it shouldn't just be the fannies that you're not allowed to talk about.

You know what, when it comes to children's shed of talia, I'm tapping out. I think that's for the best. When it does to strange strange strange strange strange strange strange strange strange strange strange strange strange strange strange strange strange strange strange strange strange strange strange strange strange strange strange strange to a strange strange strange strange strange strange strange to a strange strange strange strange strange strange to a strange strange strange strange to a strange strange to a strange strange to a strange strange strange to a strange to to to to to to to to to to to to to to a strange to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to a strange to a strange to a strange strange strange strange strange strange strange strange strange strange strange strange strange strange strange strange strange strange strange strange strange strange strange strange strange strange strange strange strange strange strange strange strange strange strange to a strange to a strange strange to a strange to a strange to a strange woman's son's knob, I'm not giving out any advice. Okay. Okay. Okay, case, case not close. Case closed. Case closed. Case closed. Vanny's or dick so I'm not your man.

We should put that on the jingle. Yeah. Anyway. Thank you for all your emails. They are genuinely hugely appreciated. Also we get loads and so there's loads I haven't got to read, we will get through them. One day, we keep them coming in. Also we have a PO box number.

What is the PO box number, Rob? We've got a PO box so you can send us, send us stuff, maybe kids artworkys broken tell you stuff that's gone wrong that you want us to look out and talk about put on the social media channels the address is PO box 76748 London E99DW who we got next week Josh who be interviewing we've got some great ones in the can that's what they say in it we've got four great ones in the can next week we what they say, isn't it? We've got four great ones in the can. Next week we have the amazing Russell Kane. I'm not going to lie, Rob.

He parents in a different way to me. Eye opening. He's got his methods and they work. It's just if you're into him or not. But that was fascinated. I am a comedian, a writer and a cat lady, amongst other things. I am creating a brand new podcast called Out with Susie Ruffle. It is about the lives of LGBT plus people. It will be about realizing you're different, coming out, being out in the public eye, and finding your place in the world. And it's not just for the queer community, this is for anyone who has ever felt like an

outsider. And let's be honest, that's pretty much all of us. The lineup of interviews I've got for the first series is so good, I mean, I've actually surprised myself. I've got an Oscar winner, a Bafter winner, successful broadcasters, stand-ups, writers, activists and a sports star. But that's not enough for me. I also want stories from you. Why don't you tell me what it was like working out who you are in the world? You can send everything that you want to tell me to hello at Out With Susie Ruffle and you can be anonymous if you like. I can't bloody wait for you to hear it. the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thosee, the, the, thosee, thosee, tho, tho, tho, tho, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. I, th. I's th. I's th. I' th. I' the. I' the. I' thean. I'n. I'n. I'n. I'n'n'n'n'n'n'n'n'n'n'n'n'n' thate. I can't bloody wait for you to hear it. Subscribe now to Out with Susie Ruffle.