Parenting Hell with Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe - S01 EP24: Gavin and Malcolm

Episode Date: July 19, 2020

ROB BECKETT & JOSH WIDDICOMBE'S 'LOCKDOWN PARENTING HELL' S01 EP24: Gavin and MalcolmMore misadventures in parenting from Josh and Rob. Enjoy. Rate and Review. Thanks. xxx If you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @lockdownparent Got something to send us?LPHPO BOX 76748LondonE9 9DWA 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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and member terms apply hello I'm Josh Whitakam welcome to lock down welcome to lockdown the show in which Rob and I to be a parent during lockdown which I would say can be a little tricky. So in an effort to make some kind of sense of the current situation. And to make me feel better about my increasingly terrible parenting skills. Each episode will be chatting to a famous parent about how well they're coping. Or hopefully not. And we will be hearing from you the listener with your tales of lockdown parenting woe. Because let's be honest, none of us know what we're doing. Hello and welcome to lockdown parenting Parenting Hale with Josh Whittigan.

Good. Rob Pickett. What do you think of that one, Rob? I think somebody to tell that mother that her child can't speak it. I mean, A plus for effort, but that's's just she spat when she heard our names. It's the worst one we've had in terms of sheer quality. That was Fran Barsby. That was her two-month-old son Kean. Oh two months. I mean imagine he said that was a seven-year-old boy. Two-months. What about let's see progress? Let's redo it when you can speak and then it

we can hear the evolution of Keen's voice. That would be lovely the nation can follow it. We have become part of their bedtime routine. Oh yeah. Bathtime feeds then gentle rocking to the soulful tones of Josh and Rob while we're looking to get him to sleep. Well I've heard some people say that they listen to this with kids in the car but I and they've started calling me the sweary one. I think I swear on this don't I? A bit stiff there couldn't you? You won't go for it unless it's necessary for the line. I mean I think it's a little bit but you know sometimes passion takes over I'm really I'm not bothered by swearing at all I really like that thing of like on Tick-Tuck I've been seeing this thing where people swear in front of their parents in a non-swearing house and then they'll be like oh shit like that and then they hear their parents go

oh Olivia really come on and I feel like a hair of fucking shit Yeah, 24-year-old daughter can't say shit ridiculous Yeah, 24 year old daughter can't say shit. Ridiculous. Anyway. On that, we will come back to your week, because you're going to need to beat this out again. This is absolutely amazing. So I'm going to forward you this email, Rob. So this is from Grant Allen. My nine-year-old daughter decided to keep a record of all the different types of food she was eating in a week. She wanted to write mango chutney. I've sent you the picture.

Okay, let me... Oh, wow. But she's done it the wrong way round. She's attempted to write chutney mango, but then she's just written... Chutney mango, but then she's just written... Mango. You know, I think I've actually used that before as a turn of phrase with a mango that just won't ripen. You know, what's wrong with you, Robert? It's like, mango still art. A lot of bleeps in this episode.

A lot of bleeps in this episode. Oh, you can understand what she's written by the bleeps. You can, I'm hoping our audience can put it together. Yeah. Um, anyway, how's your week? Well, my daughter, um, the eldest one, well, a couple of things happened. Basically, I've started this new game where I've just started giving them, like, weird random names. I don't really say their names on here just so they could have an identity away from it, so I'm not, Gavin. But, but I like, I've started calling one Malcolm and one Gavin because it's just funny and then when I say Gavin come here they go I'm not Gavin and it was a bit of banter or I go oh sorry Gavin oh I mean and then I just get the names on and it was a fun but then it got to the point where they just start calling each other Malcolm and Gavin now so I've got these two girls gaving their so I've got their two girls running around going gave. their their their their they their they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they're they they're they they they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they they they're they they they they they they they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they to to they to to th th to ttoy toy tel tell. I they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're that now that it's gone beyond the joke. So have they adopted Malcolm and getting like is it clear cut who is

Malcolm and who is Gavin who is Gavin? Who is Gavin? Who is gavern? That's clear as a given. It started off as a bit of a joke but they've started introducing themselves as Gavin and Malcolm and laughing and running off. It's got a stop at some point. Yeah when she goes th th th th th th the the the the th th th th th th th th th the th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th is th is th is to tho to to to tho the thu tho to to to to tho tho tho tho tho tho the is the is clear the c c c. the c c. the is clear the is clear th. Is th. Is th is clear th is clear th. th is clear th is clear th. th is clear th. th is clear th. th is th is th. th is th. thu thu thu thu thu thu thu thu the to to to to to to to to to to school first, Malcolm or Gavin? Malcolm's going to school. So she's going to hopefully not introduce herself as Malcolm. You're just talking about your wife losing her voice. My four-year-olds lost her voice because she is like me just not stop talking. It's like she talks in her sleep. She's everything. She's everything and she'll just like drag everything out. to. She's. She's. She's. She's. She's. She's. She's. She's. She's. She's. She's. She's. She's. She's. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to-a. to-a. to-I's just just just. She's not. She's just to-a-a-s. She's to-hea-hea-hea-hea-hea-hea-hea-hea-hea-he's going. She's going. She's going. She's going. She's going. She's going. She's not. She's not. She's not. She's not. She's not. She's not. She's not. She's not. She's not. She's not. She's not. She's not. She's not. She's not. She's not. She's not. She's not. She's to-s. She's to-s. She's to-s. She's to-s. She's not. She's not. She's not. She's not. She's to-s. She's not not not not. She's to-s. She's not. She's to-s. She's everything and she goes, Dad, and she'll just like drag everything out in order to have a conversation, talks at you the whole time. She goes, can we have a chat? Let's chat. I want a chat. She's gone raspy. She's losing her voice. She sounds like a club rep.

You know that a club rep that's been in Magaloof could I? And it's like, we've been getting her to say, lads, the best I can do is free entry of free drinks. Do you fancy it? Like, she's working on the strip. My grand, when she had a load of mugs, so she went, she went to a shop. They had all, you know, you get those Josh mug or the Rob mug or whatever so she went in a shop and they'd sold out of all the popular names so they just had like six really unpopular names so she bought them as a set so she had so she had

Neville um Tessa I think one of them was Tessa I can't remember that she had so she would like you be drinking out of Neville and then she'd have Sandra, it was great. It's a really good set of mugs to have for unpopular names. I think it just goes through cycles because sort of older names are popular now, aren't they, like Ruby and things like that, and there was all the boys were called like James and stuff like that. Yeah.

Did you have dispute over your children's names? No, not really, no. It's quite, we didn't do that thing we go. We just got to wait until it's born to see what they look. They look the same. They're red and up there. They're red and angry a little. It's like, oh no, I just looked and it just,

it wasn't a Claire, it was, it was a Julie. I could just tell in her eyes. All right, mate, yeah, you just tell yourself that. Of course it wasn't a Claire, it looks like a fucking alien. Yeah. I would call this one ET. Because I just looked at it, the the the the the the the the the the the th. It's, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it's, it was like, it was like, it was like, it was like, it was like, it wasn't. It was like, it wasn't. It was like, it wasn't. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was, it was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was, it, it, it was. It was. It was. It was, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it. It's, it. It's, it. It's like, it. It's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it was like, t. It's like, t. It was like, t. that blanket and I thought it looks like alien. What does Possible sound like for your business? It's having to spend to power your scale with no preset spending limit. Redefine possible with business platinum. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Terms and conditions apply.

Visit MX.c.c.a. Business platinum. I've got a couple of highlights of what else has happened this week. One of, well, I might as well as choose those names. Gavin did a shit in a car in a little toy car. It's actually, it's the same notes as my stag do now, it sounds like Gavin did a shit in a car. No, you don't know what the types cars. Gavin's done a poo in th in in in in in in in in in in in in in in in in in in in in the car in the car in the car in th in the car in th in the car in th i in th i in th is in th is in the the the the the the thin in the thin's the thoes thoes. thi thi. thi's thi's thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi's thi's thi. thi. thi's thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. I's thi's thi's thi's thi's thi's thiiiiiiiiiiiii's thii's thi's thi's no she'd say shit, Gavin's done a poo in the car and I went in there and there was like an actual lump of, used it like a toilet. There's like a lump of pooling the car.

So how big, what kind of car is this? You know those little ones, just little solo red cars? You know that classic kids car. You know that that that that that that that that that that that the classic, the classic, the classic, th, th, th, the classic, th, th, th, th, th, th, their, th, their, their, their, their, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, their..... their.. the they......................................... a monopoly on kids' cars. Yeah, yeah. The classic. Because that's the Blackberry in the 90s? In my head, I thought you meant like a little toy car, like a kind of, I was like, I was like, bloody, like, they, like, she managed to get it in through the window. No, she hasn't got that much precision. No way. No, this is more. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the th. th. th. the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the the th. th. th. th. th. the the the the the their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. the. the. the. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. th. th. th. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t... don't like UFC. I watch the big boxing fights. Well UFC, there's a big thi, boxing fight at the weekend and it's quite obviously way more violent than boxing, isn't it? Like boxing still pretty violent, but I'd say it's a bit more extreme. So like I always, when there's a big fight and I say to loo, I'll get up with the girls. I. I. I. I. I. the girls. I. their. their. their. their. their. their. I was a their. their. There, their, their, their, their, their, their, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there's a big, there's a big, there was, there was, there was a big, there, there was was a big, there, there, there, there was was a big, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there. There, there. There, there. There, there. There, there. There. There, there. There, there. There. There, there. There, there. There, there. There, there. There, there. There, there. There, I was, I was a big. There, I was a big, I was a big, there's a big, there's a big, there's a big, there's a big, there's a big, there's a big, there's a big, there's a big, there's a big, there's a big, six. And then basically what I do is give him like treats and stuff

and then put them in another room watching telly and then I try and watch it either on my laptop or on a tele somewhere else try and watch the fighting. But then they keep coming in and out. And they keep coming in and out of the problem with his face? What are they doing, Daddy? I'm like, they're cuddling, they're cuddling. All right, they're cuddling. And I don't know if I told this story, it reminded me of when, I wanted to watch the Fury Wilder fight. Okay, so Fury of Wilder, the biggest fight,

and I was buzzing for it, you know, whatever league they're in, I don't know, I'll say this. Anyway, big deal for me. And also, we were going on holiday that day, so our flight was like 1 p.m. So I got up to avoid the result? Well, yeah, but I got up to watch it live because we were having to get out early anyway to throw if I got five and watch it, and then when everyone else starts waking up at six I've watched to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get.. their. And to get to get their. to get. their. their. their. their. their. their, and their, and thi. to to to to their, and I's their, and their their, and their, and their, and their, and their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their.. And their. And their. And their their. And their. And their. And their, and their, and I was. And their, and I was, and I was their, and I was their, and their, and their, and th. And th. th. th. th. th. th. th. And, to. And, th. And, th. And, their flight, their flight, their flight, their their their and go on a day, right? So it's quite tight with timings, but I'm like, right, I've planned all this here. So I've got the five, I'll watch it and it's like incredible, right, and then like it's really kicking off, it's getting a bit like brutal. And I had to pause it and obviously my phone's like, ding ding, ding, ding,m. I went to them if you go in that room I'll give you a cornetto because I thought I went to the desk on four. It was five a am I've offered both of them a cornetto and even they looked me were like I've just got up. I mean you could you could argue that you were just getting the holiday started early couldn't you? It was a holiday day let's have a cornetto. At this point though like you've got a way up your children's sort of well-being, their

diet, their lifestyle choices, plus it's the fight of the century. So you know I mean something's got a gig so for me it was the cornadoes but they just looked at me and discussed in the end obviously they had cornedos they're two and four. to watch. the fight. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. they their. their. their. their. their. their. They. They. They. They. They. They. They. They're. They're. They're. They're. They're. They're. They're. They're. They're. They're. They're. They're. They're. They're. They're. They're. They're. They're. They're. They're. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. t. t. t. tried. tried. t. tried. t. tod. tie. t. tie. tie. their. their. their. their.. so I managed to watch the fight but they did have four packs of harribo in the playroom before 7 a.m. which is not a lifestyle choice I'm indoors but you've got to do what you've got to do. There's not often a big fight you know you can let them have the harrow-a-bo it's not like there's a big fight every weekend do you know what I mean that happened and also I started playing golf. Oh yeah. You're not a golf right, Josh? I haven't got the mentality. That's what I thought, right? I thought I'd get frustrated, it takes too long, it's boring.

I haven't got time to spend, it takes like hours. Right? Once you have kids, do you know what happens in golf, Josh? You are allowed to be out of a house, to be, to be, to be, to, the to, to, to, to, the the to, to, the to, the to, to, the the the the to, to, to, the to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, ta, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to get to get to get to get to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, t......... I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I's, ta, ta, ta, ta, ta, ta. ta. ta. ta. ta. ta. ta. ta. ta. ta. ta. ta. ta. ta, ta, ta, ta. So it's not like going to the pub and it's two hours or whatever or going somewhere else. So you basically get to leave really early and then you can have a, you get to have a beer there after, right? You're out the house for four hours and sometimes, Josh, if it's a bit windy or cold, I don't even play the hole, I don't even play the hole. I just woke up with my mate. I just walk up. I don't the up up up up up up up up up up up the to the the to the the the to to the the the the the to the the to their their their their. I'm their. I don't even their. I don't even to their to to their. I their. I don't even to to to to to have to have to have to have the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the their. I'll their. I'll their. I'll their. I'll to have their. I. I'll their. I'll their. their. their. their. their. their. their. th. th. the. tape. tape. tape. tape. together. together. together. the. I get. I get. I get to to to the to. I don't even play the hole. I don't keep score, I have a wonder about, it's it when I fancy it. So you're not even like, I could say what's your handicap, you go, I don't know, don't keep score? My handicap is I don't play all the holes.

That's quite a big handicap. But yeah, I don't keep score. Why don't you play ifke's there. It's all bloke's just going, yeah it's great in it. I'm at the house for ages. That's why they do 18 holes. It's meant to. And then you're allowed to go to golf trip. And show what golf the's a trip is. It's a piss. It's a four day. You go right. Basically. Basically. Basically. Basically. Basically. Basically. Basically. Basically. Basically. Basically. Basically. Basically. Basically. Basically. They's. They's. They's. They's. They's. They's. They's. They's. They're. They're. They're. They're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're. They's great. They's great. They's great. They're they're they're they're. They's great. They's great. They's great. They're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they. They. They. They. They. They. They. They. They. They. They're. They're. They're. They're. They're. They're they. They're they. They're they. They're they. They're they. They're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're the their their their their their the their their the their their they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're their. I. I. I you on the course in the morning during the day. Right Josh, let's do this right. You've got a child, you've got a wife. You're saying to Rose, I'm going to Magaloo for four nights. What would Rose? Yeah well she said that's totally not going to happen. Yeah what with your mate she's just going to live on a golf trip to Portugal with Robert a few friends. Oh, that'll be great. Bit of Vexide, you love golf, yeah, that's cool, sure. It's the same as Magaloof, but you just do a walk before you get pissed.

You just have to check your clubs in. That's the only difference is you have to pay to take your clubs. The only difference is a slightly bigger bag. That's the the the the same, the same, the same, the same, the same, the same, the same, the same, the same, the same, the same, that's, the same, the same, that's, is the same, is the same, is the same, is the same, is the same, is the same, is, is, is, is, is the same, is the same, is the same, is the same, is the same, is, is the same, is the same, is, is the same, is, is, is the same same same same same same same. It is, is, is, is the same. It is, is the same. It's, is the same. It's is the same. It's is the same. It's is the same. It's is the same. It's is the same. It's is the same. It's the same. It's the same. It's the same. It's the same. It's the same, it's the same, it's the same, is the same, is the same, is the same, is the same, is the same, is the same. It's the same into it now and I just couldn't believe that that's an option. Have you got all the gear like you dressed as one of those golfers? Are you wearing like the well I didn't when I went before I didn't but I started buying some stuff like you know I don't necessarily like I want to wear but you can't go to golf just like you're going to the pub. The whole outfit the whole outfit in the bag. th. th. th. th. I I I th. I th. I th. I th. the th. I th. I the the th. I the th. I the the th. I th. I th. the th. I th. th. the whole th. the whole tho. th. the whole the whole the whole the whole the whole the whole the whole the whole the whole. I'm to go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go. I I I go. I go go. I I the whole. I the whole. I the whole. I the whole. I the whole. I the whole. I the whole. I the whole. I the whole. I the whole the whole the whole th. I'll to go. I'll to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to go. I'm to to go. I'm the the the the the the to the park. The whole outfit in the bag, you know, that's the facade. You have to do all that so it looks like you're going golf. And you are going golf, but you're not going golf.

It's like you found a loophole. Yeah, and then, you know what's it's me cleaning my shed. Yeah, the buggy's banner, before was like, I'll get frustrated, it takes too long. Great, the longer the better. No one wants to go around quick, don't they? So you're stuck in a bunker thinking this is just more rob time? Oh yeah, it's basically a beach. Get a towel. Still in here, lads. I'll meet you on the 18. I'm well. I'm well. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. than. than. than. th. th. than. thoooome. tho o' tho o' tho tho tho tho tho tho tho thoer. thoer. tho th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. the. the. the. the. theea. thea. thea. thea. thooooooooo Yeah, it's much more pleasant. And it's check, you can have a chat with your mates, have a catch-up, and also go with

your mates that take it too serious. They miss a couple of shots. It's hilarious. They're getting so angry. Sometimes as well, if I, if I'm not very good off the Who are you, Donald Trump? Isn't that what Donald Trump does? Don't your own rules? Who cares? You're paying for the time of the course. Do it, how you'll enjoy it? Anyway. When you're Prime Minister in 10 years and they're always going to know, we should have known the way he played his golf. But I'm not trying to say like, I'm good at it or anything, thi. I'm trying to to to k k k k k k k k ki. I'm the the their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their. I'm going. I'm going. I'm going. I'm going. I'm going. I'm going. I'm going. I'm going. I'm going. their. their their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. teeoleat. teat. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. I. te. t not. I'm just living my life on the course job. Would you take lessons? I think I might do because I cannot hit it properly off the tea. I'm all right with the rest of it, but I might get someone to teach you how to hit it. But yeah, as long as you don't take it too serious, it's an incredible way to have a bit. So it's a good because you know we're on a walk with someone and the conversation is boring.

If you ping it the other side you can just tap out of that conversation. So yeah, I mean, I'm all for it for all the wrong reasons, but it's a great way to get away from your first golf trip. We'll go together. We could do an episode of this from the course. Good at we? I think you'll get into it. I can already hear the producer the drips of sweat coming down his forehead. On a windy hill on a windy day. Do you want to hear from our listeners Rob? Yes and I want to hear about the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. I. I. I to th. I. th. thoes. tho. tho. thoesoesoes. th. thoes. thoes. th. th. th. th. trips. tripshole. tripshole. tri. tri. tri. tri. tri. tri. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. to. t. te. te. tea. tea. tea. tea. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to Yes, and I want to hear about the Bing intro and why, is it the Panda? I think it's the Panda, takes his trousers off for no reason and everyone else is dressed. I want to know. Yes. It's from Christopher Hyde.

Go ahead, Chris. After listening to Friday's first mail bag special, I wanted to contact you about a things related to Bing. I thought Rob might want to read the Den of Geeks theory about Bing. This is a website, as he's quite right that none of it makes sense whatsoever. For example, where are the parents? So, so glad that someone else has noticed Pando's trousers. My wife and I first noticed it when our daughter was about two. Haven't been able to unsee it since. In every episode he's detrousered for the entirety of the story or removes them at some point. We're quite disturbed, made salty by this. So I googled it to see what the crack was. I found a few other people questioning it online.

Great pub there, if he meant it or not. The crack was. Yeah, that is good. I'd missed that. That's that's poor from me. Too stiff. Relax. too loose them up. Too stiff, my neck is absolutely rigid. I found a few other people questioning it online. An official statement from the show has been released. Oh yes. Apparently it's because there are children who remove their trousers at times of excitement. And by showing a character doing it on screen, it normalizes it for those children. I have been a primary school teacher for 10 years and have never encountered a child doing this.

Did you buy that theory? Well, I mean, it is a statement from the show. It feels like they're backtracking because they've got some sort of Maverick editor that just did it off his or her own steam. It's very much checking your eyesight by going to Barnard Castle that excuse, isn't it? One, why do you need to normalize it? It's not a problem, really. It's not like kids are in therapy because I keep taking the trousers off, right? So it's only to normalize it,

too, who's need to happen just needs to be like Don't just put your trousers back on we're in the shops like it's not well the It's not okay. It's not bad either, but it shouldn't be normalized is like that's what we do If someone was having to go at you because your kids has taken their trousers off in a you know in a whimpy or whatever you can't the tip, the their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their to to to to to to to to to to their wimpy in to to to to to to to to be to be to to to to to to to to their wimpy their wimpy their wimpy to their wimpy to their wimpy or their wimpy or their wimpy or their wimpy or their their their wimp. tip tip tip tip tip te te te te te te te te te te te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. Hando does it. Pando does it so it's fine. Also I'd rather people be angry with me about it than encourage it. I don't oh it's great oh it's great their kid's trousers coming off. I'm trying to have a bender in a bun here give me a break. Um, so that's put that that to bed but it hasn't but that that's that's that's that does explain, that is their excuse for it. That's what the official statement, isn't it? You know, but my daughter did do a poo in that little Tyx car. You're not getting Pando just defecating everywhere to normalize it, are you?

Well, no. That'd be a terrible show. I mean, if Pando was normalizing the whole of being would be ruined as he is his reign of terror. Anyway, at least there's an official announcement on that, but I'm still not convinced. What else we got Josh, or someone else have been in contact? This will make you feel like a better parent. This is from Emma. Okay. One morning, during a lovely hot summer, my daughter, my daughter, the daughter, thrown, their time to give me a wake-up call on my lack of security. I was rudely awakened by a loud

banging on the front door. I jump out of bed thinking, please don't wait my daughter. I'm really not ready to get up properly yet. I stumbled to the front door, one I open, only to see my daughter who is stood there with a strange man. Oh my god, what's going on? Darling calmly, darling calmly, you know you must never answer the door without mummy," she replied, I know, holding a huge bag of sweets. In my head I was thinking all sorts at this point, strange man, bag of sweets, stranger, danger. So I grabbed my daughter rather quickly. It's about to slam the door in the face and ring the police.

When the man piped up and said, she didn't answer her back, to the shops. Turns out the shop owner had known this man well enough to trust him to bring back safely. She had managed to go to the shop alone. She walked naked but for a nighty to the shop, all the way to the shop, started helping herself to the pick and mix and bagging it up. How old? How old she was three? Fucking hell that is awful. She must have felt devastated them on. Three! Can you imagine that?

Three, and she's just got up. I don't know how she's got out of the front door. The woman started bagging up her own pick and mix. Also, imagine being the man, the poor man has been asked by the shop owner to walk back the child. Imagine getting stopped by the police. Is th, th, th, the, the, the, the, the, the the thi, the thi, the thi, the thi, thi, thee, thee, thee, three thee, three thee, three thee, three thee, three theasted thirty the, three the, three threateated, three theated, three theated, three thamamamamamamamamam, three, three, three, three, three, three, three, three, three, three, three, three, three, three, three, three, three, three, three, three, three, three, three, three, three, thamamam, tham, tham, tham, tham, tham, tham, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, threa, threa, threa, thooomoomoomooma' thea' thea'ama'ama'ama'ama' threa, threa, threa, the shop owner to walk this, he's innocent in all this, to walk back the child. Imagine getting stopped by the police. Is that your child? No. Why is she in a night?

I don't know. Where does she live? I don't know. Why she got sweet? It's a long story. could you take the child back? I'd go, I'll man the shop, you take the child back. I would much rather be in charge of selling a few newspapers for 20 minutes. Then a child? A child I'd never met, walked them back to the house. Oh God. Because it's how far the shop was? their shop was, the question.

the questions we want to ask is, how far was the shop and how did she get out the front out out out out you still allowed to look after her? They're my three questions. Do you want one more for social services? Oh yes please. I mean it's fine because I think the problem is when it happens a lot, isn't it? Everyone's allowed one. Yeah. Where you've been, you've let your guard down and a kid's exploited it. Exactly. This is from Vincent Gatton. thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. to. to. th. to. to. to. to. to. to. th. th. the to. to. to. to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. tho. toe. toe. thooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo days, light till 11 p.m. Putting my six-year-old to bed, my wife had already done the same with a three-year-old. Stories read, cuddle administered, I come downstairs, decide I walk the dogs,

I call out, I'm going to run the dogs around the park back in tent to my wife and set off. After a lovely ten-minute stroll in the the to'a-a, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, Ie, Ie, I, I, I, I, I, Ie, I, I, Ie, Ie, I, I, I, I, I, Ie, I, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, and, and, and, I'll, and I'll, I'll, and I'll, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I', I', I', I', I', I'e, I'e, I'e, I'e, I'e, I'e, I'e, I'e, I'er, I'er, I'er, I'er, I'er, the, the, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the they-skk.e'a'a'e'a'e'er, the-s, the-s, the-s, the-s, the-s, the-s, I'er, the- evening sun, I leave the park and head back towards the house. In the distance, I see a woman who looks strangely like my wife, carry a co-op back, walking towards the drive from the opposite direction. The closer I get, the more my heart sinks. She spots me. Ha ha ha ha! I love it. And with a look of somewhere between terror and anger. She shouts, what the fuck have you been? Where are the kids? We both broke into a sprint to the front door and bundled into the house to find the both asleep,

safe and well. She wasn't in the kitchen when I called. She had already gone on a pre-announced trip for basic supplies. Oh, God. Can you imagine that moment in the park? Oh, oh, no. no, she looks to be like, oh no, she's my wife. I now need visual confirmation that I'm not abandoning my kids before leaving the house for any reason. That is amazing. I do think though, the summer, the late sunny nights of the summer really affect bedtime. The kids are all over the place. They just don't respect bedtime anymore because they mind go, look at the window, I go, but daddy it's morning. Look, it's morning, you know, yes, I know it's bright. I don't really

understand why it's still bright, it just is. But you've got to go to bed or you'll be tired tomorrow. Okay, so let's not question it. Let's just get our nut down, we've got a busy day tomorrow. What I like about you is you create this relaxing atmosphere for a child to go to sleep, Rob, it must just be a joy. Get your nut down after, right? And if you don't listen, no ice creams. All right, let's go, go, go. Josh, would you like some salty or not salty emails about your behavior?

Well, I see, would is a big term, but I'm willing to put up with them. Do you know what I fear most about this is, it's gonna get to the point where, you know what I fear most about this is it's going to get to the point where, you know, because you are a nice bloke, you're lovely to everyone, there's not going to be enough salty ones and it's going to be like, well, why don't we see if you're salty or not salty Rob and all I know is sober Rob's a very different man to drunk Rob. Oh yeah, that's what my panic is with all of these salty emails is I'm thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. that's thi th. thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi tho tho thi thi thi thi tho-I wa thomomomat, thom-I thom-I tho-I thoom-I thoes th. Well th. Well th. Well th. Well th. Well th. Well th. Well thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi that's that's thatto the the is, the is thea' thea' thea' thea' thea'n'n'n'n' thea' thatthauoooo' the. Well, that's what my panic is with all of these salty emails is I'm confident when I remember stuff that I've been all right but yeah it's those hours of slight blackout where I've been somewhere. Do you know what I'm own? Yeah well I've I think also I go out a lot in Southeast London where it is a bit primal still so it's like if you show any weakness they jump on you like I was in a pub beer garden on Super Saturday I was a th for a th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I the th. I th. I the th. I th. I th. I th. I'm a th. I'm a th. I'm a th. I'm a th. I'm a th. I'm a th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm a th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm a th. I'm a th. I'm a th. I'm a th. I'm a th. I'm a th. I'm a theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. I'm a th. I'm a th. I'm a on you. I was in a pub beer garden on Super Saturday. I was a co-vidiate, you know when everyone was supposed to go out. I went out. I presumed as much. Yeah,

and then there was a group of like rugby lads come in. It was like giving me crap from over the way a bit and like and then one of them come over to me and they had was like swaggering over a bit because they're a bit cocky because they'd give himself, I just, I just went to him, fuck off cotton traders. I got a massive laugh from the group and then he went off, but that written down in an email is awful. Oh, that's so much salt. That's too much salt. That's too much salt. That's unpalatively salty. That's over-seasoned. Yeah, that's like when you put, you know, all-purpose seasoning. Hello, I'm doing work. I'll speak to you in a minute, okay? Is that him again? Yeah, that's it. I mean cotton traders do one. No, that is Gavin just banging on the window. Let me sort this out one second.

Hello. Hello. The priest. Graining on was going to be on Friday. Graduating on Wednesday. She's been expelled two days before graduation and they're trying to pass it off as a graduation. That is embarrassing for all concerned. All right, sorry about that. It's all right. Graduated? At four, somehow, I don't know how that works. school she's starting big school in September like primary school but they do like a graduation thing so she had a graduation hat and little medal but I

didn't I didn't know that was a thing did you know yeah they do they do that on my daughter's nursery there's a little graduation gown can a pace I imagine yeah yeah they all throw the hats in the air anyway anyway let's we're supposed to be doing sort emails we don't have kids. That's good to know. I tell what, if you don't have kids, right, and you listen to this, and you want us to answer any questions. Perfect. I mean, I'm sure you've got a much, that's quite a good, you know, if you're thinking about having kids, maybe we're to have, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, th. th. thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, tho, tho, thin, thin, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, thi, thi, thi, tho, thi, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th., th. th. th, th., th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thin, thin, tha, tha, to, to, to, to, to, tooooooooooooo. tooooooooooooo. toda, toda, th, which is a genuine problem for the world. But it's not, I've read about this, apparently, basically, we used to have, I've read this in the news today, a woman would normally have 4.7 kids

on average in the 50s, right? But now it's like 1.9, okay? Because of women are allowed careers now. It's crazy, isn't it? So if anything, if anything, if anything, if any any any any any, if any, if any, if any, if any, if any, if any, if any, if any, if any, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. to, to, to, to, to th. to, to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to to, th. th. th. th. th. to th. th. th. to to tho. tho. thoo. to to thoo. to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to tho. the world but let's not get bogged down by that that was a joke for your for the Guardian readers that follow listen to Oscars and Josh well I can see now that we've got video I can see how much you're panicking no basically because the women aren't at home as much and they're working at the you know stuff like that they're not and also people don't want as as many kids or if it's for this the space or whatever it's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's the the they's their their their their to their to their to their their to to to to their to to to to to their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their to their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their th I I I to to to th to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to be a huge population of like old people and no young people paying all the taxes. Anyway, so apparently... So get shaggin.

Get fucking. Get fucking. Get fucking! Get fucking! Save the world! That was the headline, was it? their headline, their world's ending. the world's ending. All you've got to do to do to do to do to do to do to do to do to do to do to do to do is to do is to do is part to do is part to do is part to do is part th do is part tho tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. thoom. thoom. tho. thoom. thoom. th. th. th. th. th. th. Get th. Get th. Get th. Get th. Get th. Get tho. Get tho. Get tho. Get is th. Get is th. Get is th. Get is th. Get is th. Get is th. Get is th. Get th. Get th. Get th. Get th. Get th. Get th. Get th. Get tho. Get tho. Get tho. Get tho. Get thoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. Get th. Get th. Get th. salty, let's do this. Don't have kids, still like the podcast. They at all, they've just said it's confirmed they made the right decision to not have any.

Okay, because you know we've helped there. Anyway, my partner met Josh on a train from London to Edinburgh around 2010 and shared a four-table-train. Long, long-a-train. He tells me Josh was very friendly and chatted a lot, which implies you drove the conversation. And I can imagine. Oh no, no, no. That's a four hour journey to Eddie, bro, you do not want chat. You're worried about your show, you don't want to talk. Maybe it's my way out of working on my show. That's the area. Well they said, now every time we go and see Josh. That's the only time we go th. th. th. That's th. That's th. That's th. That's th. That's th. That's th. th. th. th. th. th. thin thin thin' thin' thin' tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. the tho. tho. their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their tho. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. tho. tho. tho. to. tooooooooooooooooooooo. to. too. to. thoooo. Oh. th. their their their. Oh. them on the tele, every time we see him, my partner says, look, there's my mate Josh. So, you know, that's a good story. Yeah, that's nice.

I'm pleased with that. I would say those trains to Edinburgh are an absolute lottery. So what will happen is you get the train to Edinburgh festival and they'll be like a window of two days maybe when, you know, the the their, their, their, their, their, their, tho, tho, tho, though, though, three, three, three, three, three, three, the comics in London are going up to Edinburgh Festival and you put your seat and you're like please God don't let there be a comedian yeah see next to I don't want to have to talk to them please tell you're getting that trade and they go well we'll sit together and you go now I'm in first class and I know oh and you have to I booked it early I booked it early I to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the they. I I I I they. I will will will will will. I booked it early, I booked it early. I'm not going to understand. Oh, my brother went up there to Edinburgh because he was on the walled panel years ago.

And he couldn't get a seat. He sat on the floor in between the carriages next to a family of five that had a KFC bucket and a pit bull. Oh my God. Oh my God. I'm actually one best newcomer, that little truth. Funny story. Anyway, here we go. Just a quick one say, I was on a stag do at the Mac, what's that Mac Festival in Wales? Yeah. What's it?

Oh, he came up to me then, did he? Oh, they' all stag. In 2012, before you immediately jump to your conclusions, we are most certainly not their lads, lads, lads, types, Stagdoo. Much more of a drink loads of craft house and watch them stand up, Stagdo. We went to get tickets for Josh's gig, which was at the time, was just a little booth near the campsite rather than the box office style they have now. However, there were not enough tickets tickets tickets tickets tickets tick tickets the the thickets thickets thickets thic tickets th tickets thic tickets th tickets thi enough thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi tho tho to to thi. to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to too. to too. too. to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the. the. the. the. the the the the. the the. the the. the. toooooooooooooooo' to go. So we plumped for the Stag Do's favourite, Josie Long. That is not a Stagg Do gig. Joczy's great but I wouldn't send her in for a Stagdo in John Lewis. We met Josh right next to the box of and explained the situation. He apologized for tickets not been available but then proceeded to laugh his head off and we said we were on a Stag do go and see Josie Long. The Ellis James did a preview there like your first preview where it's off notes

you've never said it before and when he arrived it was a hen do of 20 and the hen was a big Ellis fan and they traveled from Aberystwyth just for this gig and they were traveling straight back and he said he was doing new material and he felt it was his duty just to do his the the to the old to to do his the old to do his to do his old to do his old the old to do his old to do his old to do his old to do his old the old to do his old the old to do his old the old to do his old to do his old the old to do his old to do his to the old the old to to the old to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. tho. tho. tho. the. the. the. the. the the the. the the the the the. their their their their their their their. this gig and they were traveling straight back. And he said he was doing new material and he felt it was his duty just to do his old show even though he traveled all the way to Macfest. Oh bless. Because he felt like you can't, you can't be trying out stuff to a hand and doing up at 3 a.m. as well because of his bad back. It's a true for that guy. Talking about that like people. that like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, th. th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th. th. It was not thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, it was thi, it was th. It was thu, it was thu, it was thu, it was thu, it was th. It was th. It was th. It was th. It was th. It was th. It was th. It was th. It was th. It was th. It was th. It was th. It was th. It was th. It was th. It was th. It was th. It was th. It was th. It was thi, it was thi, it was just just thi. It was just thi. It was just thi. It was just just thi. It was just thi. It was just thi. It was just thi. It was just thi. It was and put pressure on. I'm supposed to be doing some gigs in an open air theatre. Like and it's just like a 40 minute extended set like and I'm not gigged in like four months. The times when I review it. I was like, what? What? Come on mate. Give me a chance. I'm a little. It's like reviewing a preseason friendly and football and go,

you run out of energy towards him. I I I I I I I I I I I I they they they they they they they they they they went you. I I they went you they went you went you went you went you went you went you went you went you went you went out. I they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're to to to their their tom. I've got got tom. I'm t. tom. tom. the time the time the time the time the time the time the time the time. the time. the time. the time. the time. the time. their th. th. th. I th. th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. th. th. th. th. th. th got got got got got got got got got got got got got got to to toge. toge. took toge. took took took took took took took took took took took took took took toge. I got got got got towards him. Hakin' to both of three moms! Anyway, let's forget about this. Also, this guy, David Dalton, David Dalton, who met up with you, also he's had quite a tricky COVID time. His three kids, 11, 9 and 4, and he's trying to work from home and homeschooled two primary school children and a Tasmanian devil, he's is is is is is is is is is is thian and a thian and a thian devil thian devil thi and a th is thi and a thi and a thi and a thi, who is getting thi, who is getting thi, who's thi, who's thi, who's to to to to to to to thi, who's to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to tooomomomom. to tooomom., whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, who's, whoa, who's, who's, who's, who's, who's, whoa, who's, who's, who's, who's, who's, who's thi., who's thi. th bigger now because of lockdown, so he's put on, mate, the poor fellow. Add to that, my wife works frontline NHS, so I should do this all on my own during the

week and he's not put it in here, but you cannot complain, mate. If your wife's front line, one of your kids, that two of them can hold you down, the other shit in your mouth, and you can't thinkinkinkinkinkinkinkink, and you, and you, and you, and you, and you can't, and you can't, and you can't, and you can't, and you can't, and you can't, and you can't, and you can't, and you can't, and you can't thirty, and you can't, and you can't, and Do you think he's thinking you should be applauding for me really? Yeah that parents don't know how it's to be for me and come up. Also get this Josh not only as he had to work from home and homeschool these three kids why his wife's out being a hero he broke his ankle last weekend oh oh oh oh my god but his wife is not impressed but it does mean I've managed to get Stevenish to win the Champions League and six Premier League totals in a row on championship manager 0-1-02. How has he done that? How has he got the time of that?

He said he can't look after the kids can you? I see I see I see I broke my ankle when I had a two-month-old and a two-year-old and Lou went to me, you've got to get better or die. Anyway, yeah, so Josh, you love in life, non-salty. But should we do that? If anyone, any salty interactions of me or non-salty? Either us, it's fine. I think the thing with the salty ones is they don't need to be that salty. Because what I've found is, let's be honest, a lot of the time it's in your own head. It's not me being salty at all.

Oh, so you're blaming the public. I'm blaming the public. So they've misinterpreted the rules. You know, I'm g gaslit the whole country. If you want to get in touch with us with anything salty or you know if you've left your child in the house from their own or anything that was brought up, brought up by this episode, that sounds like a warning at the end of a soap opera, but you know what I mean. Trigger, if there's trigger warnings of this, I say your children may shit in your mouth and it won't be as bad as being a front line worker. That's a good trigger warning.

It's a good trigger warning. It's like a spoiler alerts, aren't they? Yeah, I would say you've done the trigger warning at the end of the show, unless people are working their way back. That's a bit of an issue. It's that how Mento watching it backwards. You just have to piece it together. Thank you for listening guys. Don't forget to review us and give us a far star rating and all that malarkey.

I always say malarkey. Do you ever say, I only ever say malarkey when I'm talking about shit admin I have to get our listeners to do. Yeah. It's not shit ad but it's a southea. Is it a s southeast a s southeast. It a southea. It's a southea. It's a southea. It's a southea. It's a southea. It's a southea. It's a little. It's a little. It's a little. It's a little. It's a little. It's a lot. It's a lot. I thia. I always. I always. thia. It's a thia. I always. I always. I always. I always. I always always. I always. I always always. I always. I always. I always. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. It's a th. It's a th. It's a th. It's a th. It's a th. It's a th. It's a th. It's a th. It's a th. It's a th. It's a th. It's a th. It's a thi. It's a thi. I always. I always. I always. I always. I always. I always. I always. I always. I always. I always. I always. I always. I always. I always. I always. It's akey, yeah it's a little bit. I do, I'd knock out some really old sort of like Victorian, like cockley sayings. Ark it him. Arc it him, that's quite camp. Arc it! Oh, Arc it him!

That's camp. I don't do that. But anyway, please give us a fire star of you and leave a comment, that'd be great. Thanks you listed, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, to you, to to to to to th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, I th, I' th, I'll th, I'll th, I'll th, I'll th, I'll th, I'll th, I'll th, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, th, they..... Oh, th, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, tho. Oh, th. tho. tho. tho. th. tho. tho. Oh, tho. Oh, tha. Oh, th. Oh, the. Oh, th. No. But anyway, please give us a five star of you and leave a comment. That'd be great. Thanks, Alysid, and we'll be back on Tuesday of another episode. Joining us on Tuesday is the brilliant Judy Love, who you all know as a brilliant comedian and also are currently smashing through Celebrity Master Chef. She's a loose woman as well. It was an amazing episode. She was absolutely brilliant. Yeah, really good. She was both absolutely hilarious and it was genuinely kind of moving and informative. Yeah, she had quite a tough time with her two kids.

She lost her mom when she was eight months pregnant with her second and then her partner left her and she had to bring up her own and she found it very difficult but she's very open for people that maybe going through something can sort of listen to and enjoy it and also very funny especially if you're into dicks in the shape of shovels. See you next week. Trigger warning. Spoiler alert. Bye bye.