Parenting Hell with Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe - S01 EP26: Just put a beret on a chicken...

Episode Date: July 24, 2020

ROB BECKETT & JOSH WIDDICOMBE'S 'LOCKDOWN PARENTING HELL' S01 EP26: Just put a beret on a chicken...More misadventures in parenting from Josh and Rob. Enjoy. Rate and Review. Thanks. xxx If you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @lockdownparent Got something to send us?LPHPO BOX 76748LondonE9 9DWA 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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and member terms apply hello I'm Josh Whitakam welcome to lock down welcome to lockdown the show in which Rob and I to be a parent during lockdown which I would say can be a little tricky. So in an effort to make some kind of sense of the current situation. And to make me feel better about my increasingly terrible parenting skills. Each episode will be chatting to a famous parent about how well they're coping. Or hopefully not. And we will be hearing from you the listener with your tales of lockdown parenting woe. Because let's be honest none of us know what we're doing. Hello and welcome to lockdown parenting Parenting Howe with Rob Beckett

Josh Whittak. Josh Whittak. Oh I like that. Quite playful. And do you want to hit that so Flora aged four and this is her two-year-old sister Alice. Flora. You should have said you missed a joke there a sister Batoli. Come on Josh. Are we working or not here? Are we working or not here Are we're comedians? You can't let that... You can't leave open goals like that! This is Flora and a sister Patoli or Olivia. Whatever, you've got, come on, George. What, our list does it expect more? I love that your second reference for it. I mean, you've really changed if your second reference is a little pack. We all you should have gone lurpack. I can't believe it's not butly. I've. I. I. I. I. I. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've th. I've th. I've th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. t. t. t. t. tole. t. t. t. t. t. tole. th. th. th. th. th have gone lurbac. I can't believe it's not butter. Hattley buttally, buttold her. And her sister utterly battle. That, you know, that's a

ptoli because we've got batoli olive oil. And it's just, I'm not really sure how you say it, but I'm buttold you. Buttold it. I should have gone but I'm utterly butto be butterly. But. But. But. But. But. But. But. But. But. But. But. But. But. But. But. But. But. But. But. But. But. But. But. But. But. But. But. But. But. But. But. But. But. But. But, th. But, th. But, th. But, th. But, th. But, th. But, th. But, th. But, th. But, th. But, I. But, but. But, but I. But, but. But, but. But, but. But, but. But, but. But, but. But, but. But, but. But. But, but. But. But. But, th. But. But. But, th. But. But. But. But. But, th. But. But. But, I. But. But. But, I. But. But. th. the. th. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. th. the the t. the tot. the tot. the the the the tot. the the the th. A. A. A. But, I's. spot the opportunity. Rob, would you like to hear Bertoli? Oh, have they got one from Batoli? Yeah, here you go. Rob Beckett. Rock Beckett. Josh Whittakum. It was a slight. It was a slight...

It was a slight... . It was a slight... It was a little, theirthat little Italian flare to it. They were lovely. I mean, I feel bad now because that parent's probably going to be quite defensive and annoyed that I've gone for the obvious joke about flora the name. But I like to, and I've always stood by this, even to close friends, I will make comment on your child's name because I'm just getting them ready for school. If you think that child is going to get through school without any flora butter jokes you're mistaken. Kids are awful. So if you put in the

cup in early doors you can just you work your back and forth, work your two and throw out. I also think you know flora butter jokes are the kind of, if that's the worst thing that happens to you at school you're fine you're you you're you you you you you you you you you the you the th you're fine you're fine you're th you're thi thi thi the thin, thin, thin, you're thin, you're tho, you're tho, you're tho, you're to, throw, to, you're tho, you're to, you're to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, th. th. tho, th. th. the thin, the the the thin, the the thin, the thin, the thin, the the thin, the the thoooooooo''' their, their, their, tooooooooooooooooooooooooooo'' tho'thing that happens to you at school you're fine. Yeah exactly that's you know I've robbed the knob. How has your week been Rob week has been stressful as in A&E yesterday. I'm sure you're all right. Well I'm no I'm fine the two-year-old decided to eat money so the two-year-old came running in got like gagging and choking, it was awful. I was going, oh, there's a, it's stuck, it's stuck in my throat, it's stuck by throw. And then, so it was like awful panic stations. Also though, me and Lou were in the middle of an argument about food shopping.

It was getting quite heated, and then it my gosh, yeah, yeah. And the argument still hasn't resolved. You can't crack back into it. What was the argument? Rob, I'll resolve it for you now. Oh no, that. It's a deep-rooted one. Basically, it's about, when I used to work a lot, I just sort of like eat out and not really be involved in the girls and her and that would be the week and sort it out and now I'm home and lose a bit more of like a pick up where I would like I'm a bit old school and like well what we got for dinner

she's I don't know what it ever is it's a deep rooted issue that I think will only be resolved when I'm sending out on tour for 10 months of 12. When you're on Nandoos every night. Yes so basically unless I've got a tour manager going to get me Nando's, that's an argument. And I'm not expecting loot to order shopping, I'm not expecting to do with a good game, but just a bit more of communication, but I've made it worse because I've got to talk about it to her again now, but you know, she's just text me about something, could she hear me? No, it wasn't. people will listen to this and because people listen to this and they will cut up and say things to her like, oh yeah, so what's going on with a shopping now, Rob's off toll? And that doesn't help an argument when a stranger asks if it's been resolved. She'll be at, she'll be at the nursery gate and someone I tell go, I go, I go, I go, I th th th that I'll go, I'll go, I'll go, I'll go, I'll go, I'll go, I'll go, I'll go, I'll go, I'll that's that's that's that's to to to to go, I, I'll to go, I, I'll to that's to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to that, like, like, like, like, like, like, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, so that's that's that's that's that's that's that's th. that's the, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, so that's that's that's that's that's that idea actually what you can do is you can. Have you heard of Hello Fresh? It's a great road.

Anyway, so it's fine and but it was in a bit you're so weird to go from not having an argument to like right we all love each other and got to care about our kid mode, that kind of thing, right? So anyway so she comes in like gagging and choking she's not really sort of going blue and because I I have got I have got I have got I have got I. I have to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to th. I'm to to th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm. I'm. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm the the to to to to to to. to. to. I'm to. I'm to. I'm to. I'm to. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I to. I. I. I. I to. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm so. I'm th. I th. I have got, I don't know if I mentioned this, kids choking in restaurants send me sideways because I've had, and I think it was just unlucky, I've had a couple of incidences where, so one of the kids when she was younger was choking on a crisp in the back of the car and had to pull over on a motorway and like fish it out. Another one, one of them started choking on some vegetables and I've got to to like to fish it out. One of them swallowed a fucking penny. I mean, I've got to pick up these pennies in the house. Swallowed another penny but coughed it out and it was awful and she was like purple.

And now this one's running. We're even a cash for a society, Rob. Oh, not in South East London. It's the only way stuff gets around here. two-year-old comes in or choking a coffin right but she sort of calms down a bit because it's stuck in my throat it's stuck in my throw but what what I think happened was it did get stuck but then she swallowed it and she still thinks it stuck because it hurts because she was like it's stuck but we're like right we've got to take it to the hospital because it can't get stuck but to? the airwaves and the air air air air air air air air air air air air air air air air air air air air air air air air air air air air air air air air air air air air air air air air air air air. to the to the air. their their their to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to their their. to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. th. th. th. thi. thi. the. the. the. the. thi. to. to. th. th. thi. th. thi. th. thi. th. thi. happens it can then move and block. So I'm like, oh my God. So it's like, anyway. Oh my God. We chuck them all in the car.

I've got nothing on me, right? I've driven their barefoot, just shorts the tee shirt. And Lou's grabbed her bag and put both kids in the back, right? The four-year-old's loving. he's going, oh, we're going to the hospital, best day ever. I've been to the doctors. Can I get an x-ray? I love Dr. Range and I'm sitting in the gun, your fat coin flips in her throat, this is the worst day of everything. You can't explain the implications to a four-year-old of what.

But I thought, me may have been overreacting. screaming and sort of bit hyperventilating and go, oh, and so I couldn't tell if she was choking or just upset or if it was stuck or not. So it's horrible. So anyway, we drove there and I tell you what, if you're driving a kid to the hospital, I've got no respect for the rules of a roundabout, I've just got the anger. I've got got beaten up three times. I've got chasedthen when he saw me going into the hospital I think he realized so I had one guy screaming and shouted and he said you fucking wucker that ha ha ha and all that and I'm just like he was just angry because you declared a building job that he'd done. Well can I explain a bit of the anger in South East London driving when's hung over, right? And as we're queuing to get in, about eight people queue in. And then this van driver drove past the queue and just opened his window and screamed k-kits at everyone. And no one was in his way. It wasn't being held up. The queue wasn't stopping him, he just wanted to tell everyone how we felt about people going to

McDonald's. So that's the kind of relaxing, welcoming vibe there is in South London. So anyway, Mr Wimpy. Yeah, it was the Burger King, furious. McDonald's bought all the Perspex. He couldn't set up the kitchen. Also it takes so long to sanitise crowns, d'n't it? He never, you can't get any work done. So anyway, so I bombed it to the hospital, I'll get there and then Lou gets out with the two and by this point she sort of calmed down a little bit and then we had to queue outside and it was a nice security guard sort of bloke. And then I was like, look stupid. You only know you see those things going, oh I just waited in the queue and you think right, yeah, I wasn't told him. Anyway, so I told them all that and then it all calms down a little bit

and then she goes in and they check her and I'm in the car with a four-year-old who is literally having the best day of her........... She she she she she she she she's. She she's. She's. She's. She's. She's. She's. She's. She's. She's. She's. their. their. th. told. th. th. th. So. So, I's I's th th th th th thinks I's I's I's thin. So, I' I' I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said I's I's I's I's I's I's I's I's I's I's I's I's I's I's I's I's I's I's I's I's I's I's I's I's I's I's I's I's I I's I I. I I's I. I I. I's I's I's I's I's I's I's I's I's I said. I's I said. I said. I said. I said. I said, I said, I told told. I told told. I told told. told. told. told. told. told told told told told told told their. I said. I said, playing with a sat nav, all sorts, right? And then Lou text me and said they checked so she's got 100% oxygen, so there's nothing, there's nothing like affected her. And then that's a wait because they do a thing where they can x-ray to see where it is and all that. But so we're waiting. And while we're waiting, I find out that my four-year-old knows the tho, to the Lizzo song, Good as Hell, yeah? Was it on the radio or was she just doing it? She said, can you play my favorite song? Lou loves Lizzo. I like Lizzo, but Lou loves Lizzo,

so Lou's obviously had it on in the car and she's been playing to the song. So this is a song, she said, can you play this one fine but good as hell and then there's the word ass in it she knows that and then one bit yeah this four year old she was singing along she went forget about the bullshit she can't know that word. But maybe she doesn't she probably doesn't understand it in the context like she just thinks it's like a weird sound in the lyrics right but she gives it the sass of Lizzo so like I've got visions of her at school

just been I'm feeling good as hell forget about the bullshit miss. Oh yeah oh yeah right so that's happening in there and then I'm getting text updates from Lou about the one that's in A&E because she's their breathing's fine but she's got to be checked by a doctor, okay? So, in that doctor, right, was well, well, well, they're like, okay, so do they normally play with money? They're like, well, no, they don't normally, but then we went, yeah, she came in and said she swallowed it. And then the four-year-old said, yeah, she swallowed money, she ate money. And he said, oh what, so your only witness is a four-year-old? What? That's what?

I said, I'm not trying to prosecute it. Did you have to bring the four-year-old in interrogation. Exactly. So basically we thought, oh they'll do an extra or check or something and then because she'd calm down and then Lil was like, oh she keeps hiccuping though. And he went, yeah that's because she's trying to digest a coin. And he's like, okay, mate. I just didn't know hiccue as a side effect of money. Yeah, so basically he just sent her I definitely know, but some apparently they do like a metal detector thing to see it's gone far enough down. So anyway, my dad's got a metal detector so he's bringing it around later so I'm going to check her. I mean if anyone's excited about the next episode of this podcast now if you could record, you've got to record it as a sound phone. Yeah, I will. Well the things as well, we think it may have passed. Do you? Because we've got the the to record the to record the the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. that. that. that. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. the. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. the. tha. th, but because we've got to check her, we've got to check her poo. Yeah, of course.

We didn't know how. You're not made a money, you don't want to lose that quiz. You want to go amusements or not? I can't invent it. So I had a thing with hiccups when my daughter was born. Yeah. So they showed me how to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to their to their their their to their their their their their the in the hospital and it's your first child, so you're so like tentative about it. Yeah. So they showed me how to change the nappy, right? And so I changed the nappy the first time and she got hiccups and I thought, right, whatever. And then the second time I changed the nappie

she got hiccups again. And I went to the nurse and I was like, am I doing something wrong here. My nappy changing technique was giving her hiccups, which obviously now sounds completely insane. But at the time I was like, I think I'm doing something wrong and it's giving her hiccups every time. And the nurse obviously looked at me like I was a completely, understandably she thought I was subhuman scum for being that thick. Yeah, but the thing is, that's what annoys me a little bit about. When you've got new babies, everyone expects, or you're natural, you're so fatherly or maternial. No, literally no one has a clue what to do you learn on the job, right? It's impossible, right? It's not being a crane driver.

You can't practice that. What does Possible sound like for your business? It's having to spend to power your scale with no preset spending limit. Redefine possible with Business Platinum. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Terms and Conditions Apply, visit MX. to the today's business platinum. Rob, I know you've had a bad week. Yes. It's about to get a lot, lot worse. Oh no. That's not how it works.

You say to someone, I know if I've had a bad week, but this will cheer you up. Well, Rob. That's not how it works. But you are in Darren Kershaw's bad books. Oh, what have I done? Is it salty back it? No.

Hi Josh and Rob, it's worse. Unfortunately, I write this email with anger and fear in my heart. So angry I had to stop your podcast and write this email before I could carry on. I love your podcast as a father of a two-year-old and a five-year-old and he kept me saying during lockdown. However, this week, Rob, you have crossed the line. You have broken the gentleman's code. Has he got cameras in my golf illusion and laid it bare for all the month. You. You the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. house? You pulled back the curtain on our golf illusion and laid it bare for all the months to think. What were you thinking? I've been rejected by my new family. A golf trip is just an excuse for a piss up with the lads. No, no, no, stop it. You're going to ruin it. Every good man out there just looking for a bit of peace.

Can I suggest you put out an apology on your next podcast, taking back what you said, possibly due to your stomach bug that make you delirious? Yes. And got you say all kinds of rubbish. And then let's move on. There's nothing to see here. Oh God, I've ruined it. to have thia. thia. thia. thi. thi. thi. tho. tho. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. the. the. to. to. toooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. to to to tho have to go back to football hooliganism now. I've not been accepted by my both brothers and sisters. Well, yeah, I'll just go over excited. That's my problem. I'm a truth serpent. You know this about me Josh. I know. I can't help it. But that's right though, isn't it? What have I talked? I talked too much? Well, there's another email. There's from McFaulow. Sorry, have you been looking in my reference book?

Yeah, I just I have to reassimilate my reference points to whoever I'm talking to. So this is Sam Tore. Nigel is a Formula One for you. Yeah. That or Damoniel. Who's my tennis? Your tennis, I'd say Agassi, potentially. Yeah. Samprus. So this is from name, name redacted. Right, didn't want to say. To start, I'll declare, I don't have children, but I love the podcast. I wanted to comment on the perfect excuse of going golfing. My husband and 11 of his friends are currently on a golf trip to Spain. 11! There's too many! You're only allowed to play fours, maximum! It's not playing! Some background to this, that 11 years ago they created a tournament which meant they got to go away for the weekend.

They have a green jacket, matching t-shirts and actual trophies complete with presentation and engraving. Over the years, this has developed from one night away in a UK city to now every year they find an excuse or anniversary to do an international leg. Not only do they do this, they extend it from a four-day trip to a seven-day holiday. Usually including some form of road trip or staying in a fancy villa. At least half the bloke still have kids but still managed the the the the the the their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their tho their their tho. tho. tho' tho' tho' tho' tho' th. th. th. th. th. This. This. This. This. This. This. This. This. This. This. th. This. th. th. th. their their their their their their their their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. te. te. te. We. We's. It's. It's. It's. It's.e.e.e.e.e. It's.e. the.e.e. the. thea. It's. the. th in a fancy villa. At least half the bloke still have kids but still managed to get away with the seven whole days essentially getting shitfaced from 9 a.m. We plan on having kids soon and I'm aiming before the next annual golf trip I will be cutting up his passport. Please don't say my name as I don't want my future plans of destroying his passport to

be common knowledge. Well that's the thing, it's all just an escape. My father-in-law goes fishing, right? He's got three daughters. He goes fishing and my parents are talking to him about it, saying, our friends go near us down on the coast, and that's a good one, and that's really good for fishing and stuff out. I'll be honest if you, sometimes I get down the the on the beach I don't even get the rods out. I have a sandwich, a cup of soup and drive home. Oh my word, that's one of the bleakest things I've ever heard. I mean you all need your own time

but that looks that sounds like he's contemplating just walking into the sea and never coming back rather than fishing. He bought maggots. He took maggots to picnic. If your listeners, what is the kind of most niche hobby that someone has got into just for time on their own? I do too right in. Now Rob, a couple of weeks ago, or maybe it was last week, time flies, isn't it? I mentioned my inappropriate school play and school play outfits. Oh, was it the Emperor's new clothes? The Emperor's new clothes. This has led to a string of emails from people who were who were involved in school plays containing outfits that now look absolutely. Oh no, we're not going to expose the ring, are we?

No, we're not. No, it's just a different time, Rob. Oh, it's a Nativity Nons Ring. I can feel it through in. This will be the first piece of evidence presented. It's just a different time. We've got two people along the same lines. Hi, Rob and Josh. I've just the kind of story for you after hearing about talking of school plays and question costumes. In junior school, my school did the 12 days of Christmas. My two friends and I were given the roles of three French hens. One would assume the junior school would go with someone dressed as chickens. No, we were can-can girls. We had the can-can skirts and Eva had garters to wear. What made the whole thing worse was that mid-performance my garter fell down as I did a can-can kick

and it flew off into the crowd. Oh no! I mean that is... Insight. That is not acceptable. Little chair on top of the story is that my mom was in charge of making all the costumes so she was to blame for the idea of Gartas. Oh yeah I think I don't know if that's better or worse. Let them be chickens. It's more confusing to have a French woman as a can-can girl. Just put a beret on a chicken. Just get a barry. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. It th. It's. It's. It's th. It's the th. It's. It's th. It's to to to to to to to to th. It's to th. It's th. It's to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to th. It was th. It was th. It was th. It was th. It's th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the th. I the the the the the the t. the the the the the the tooooo the to the to. the to. to. to. toet on a chicken. Get a chicken. Just get... That's your answer to everything, Lon, just put a beret on a chicken. Stripy white and blue shirt, beret on a chicken, off you go. Unbelievable. Exactly. Were you in school plays when you were a kid? Whenever he did, I was the kid that was like, I got sent out of an assembly once, so singing bad, and I was tried my best. So I've the first the first the first the first the first the first th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. thin. thi. th. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. to. to. th. th. th. the th. th. the th. th. th. th. the th. th. th. th. the th. th. the th. th. th. th. th. the the th. th. the the the th. the the the thrying my best. So I've got nothing. I've not done the first time I stepped

on stage was a comedy gig, but I've never never done any of those sort of plays. I tell you what though, I have experience with Can Can Can Girls at corporate events. I did the air condition and refrigeration awards. Okay, loads of geek. Cool reception. Yeah. Yeah, it's quite frosty, yeah. Do you know what? That's the lovely kind of humour you expect from a parenting podcast. Exactly! A bit of back and forth, that's what was missing at the floor a bit. Just, you know it's not great, it's not great stuff, but it has to happen. Do you know, it's just, no, playing the past is before someone scores a goal. It just not, where's down the opposition? Anyway, I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I th, I was th those, I was th those those those those those th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's the gea, it's th. It's the gea, it's th. It's tho, tho, tho, th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's, the the the th. That's, the the th. That's, th. That's, th. That's, th. That's, the th. That's, the the th. It's, the th. It's, th. It's, th. It's, th. It's a th. It's a th. It's a tho, tho, thoes. It's a thoes. It's a thooo tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho the tho the. before someone scores a goal. It's just not, wears down the opposition, do you mean?

Anyway, I was at the award. Exactly. There's those geysers that install air conditioning units and fridges and stuff, yeah? And so it's all a bit male dominated. And the time before me too, and the only women at the event were basically the can, the ta, tha, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, than, thin, thin, thin, thin, the, thin, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was............ the, was they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. the, there has been paid for by sponsors. So I was being paid for by the maids sponsor

and all the food and drink was paid for by whatever company it was. So obviously those companies had had to sponsor the can can, girls. But when you're sponsored something, you want to know you've been sponsored. So they had stickers with the name of the companies who put on their big bloomer knickers so that when they did the bit where they lift the skirt up and shake their bum it had the stickers and basically one girl got their late and then they'd all picked there was all like there was Zanusi and whirlpool right and then so they'll grab them and there was one sticker right that no one wanted to have on their bum, do you know what it was? What? Smeg. Oh my God, Rob. You can't have smeg ass.

Oh no. I don't get all coming straight. I can't have smeg wretting on my ass. Oh my God. Did she go through with it? Oh my word. Right. Rob, we've got a question for you. Rob, we've got a question for you. We've got a question for you. Don't be scared to use a device. The timeout step can be your ally. Ali, ally, ally. Don't be afraid to say no to your kids.

No to your kids. It's okay to apologize as a parent. Apologize. Apologize. Never hit them, but don't let them. But them. But them. But don't let them. But don't let them. But don't let them. But don't them. But them. th them. th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th let the. the. the. the. the. the. the. thoome. thoome. thoome. thoomome. tho. tho. tho. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. thoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. the. Apologise, to apologise. Never hit them, but don't let them think you won't. You're listening to WWRB, what would Rob Beckett do? I'm hoping you've got some ideas because I am stumped. Our 15-month-old used to sleep until about 6.30 a.m. Which we felt was far too early for us but over the last

few weeks it's been getting earlier and earlier settling at around 420 a.m. Jesus wet! 420! And the Ellis James is doing some you know child-minded. We've got to get Ellis James on the podcast we did Izzy ages ago but there's a lot of call for that by the way we'll sort that out. That's going to happen. We have a really solid nighttime routine. And he's pretty good at going to bed now. Bedtime routine starts at 7 PM. He's asleep by 7.30 as a rule.

That is swift. Woo, late ones. Yes, I'd set the alarm. It doesn't really seem worth losing two hours of the evening in my opinion. We will try anything. Thanks, O wise one, Charlotte Jackson. Well, yeah, this is the thing, that's what we learn because ours get up early, but ours have been starting to go up at a heart about six, half, six now.... and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and a th. And, a, a, a, a, and, a, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, the, the, th, th, th, the, th, th, and, and, and, and, yeah, this is the thing, that's what we learned because ours get up early, but ours have been starting to go up at a heart, about six, half six now, and then be going in a bed a bit later. But yeah, it doesn't work.

What I would do is put them to bed even earlier, try and put them to bed, because we we try and put them to put them to bed, because we used, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, the, the, the, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, because, because, to, because, the, the, to, to, to, to, to, to, because, because, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, the, the, the, the, put, put them, put them, put them, put them, put them, put the, put the, put the, put the, put the, put the, put the, put them, put them, put them, put, put, put, put, put, put, put, put, put, put, put, put, put, their, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, and again all happened was they'd wake up at five but going to bed at nine the night before and just have even less sleep than being angrier earlier in the morning. So then what we did was started trying to put them to bed an hour earlier and think if they are still going to go up at five why not reclaim an extra hour in the evening and, but at least they'll be happier and have had a full night sleep. And I think in the summer it's so bright, so early. I do, I know Russell Cain's quite hardcore and blackout curtains, but I do think blackout curtains are quite handy because that's probably it's waking them up. But I, it's not waking up at 4.20 though, is it's in the summer It started just like the big light on for the whole three months. It's ridiculous.

That's ten o'clock at night it's still light and then you just go and have a shit put your head down it's four o'clock in the morning it's sunny again. Are you living in Iceland wrong? I don't know where I'm in the Bromley Triangle where it's just always bright. Do you know what we've we found doing? Do you know what we've we have we have we have we have the th the th th th th the th th th th th the th th th the th th th the th th th th th th th th th th th th th th the th. th. that that the the. the. to to to to to to th. It's just th. It's just th. It's just th. It's just th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th at th at th th th at th at th th th th th th at the th th th th th th at th at th at the the the thin the the the the the to the to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the the the the the is a kind of over two-year-old thing? We get an extra hour by leaving books in her bed, because she'll wake up and then she'll look at the books in her bed rather than disturb us. So because it's light, you'll say, we'll leave these books in when she goes to bed, and then you get the extra hour in the morning before she gets bored of them and needs you. I mean an hour's strong, 45 minutes. But what's happening with us is the four-year-old,

we didn't know this, keeps waking up the two-year-old, so the four-year-old wakes up at six every day, right? And the two-year-old obviously needs more sleep because she's younger. And the other night, when we were putting the two-year-old, her not to wake me up in the morning. Was like what? And then we went... Basically it turns up the four-year-old has been going in and as soon as she wakes up wakes up, wakes up the two-year-old immediately and then makes her come into our room to wake us up. Oh my god. So then we said, we said, do not wake her up, she's younger than you, she needs to sleep to sce. to the th. to th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thu. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. to to to to to to to to to to to to to to thrown. thi. to to to to to th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the th. th. the the th. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. So, to to to to to to to toe. So, to to toeeeeeeeee. So, to to to to to to to the. the. the. the. up before come to us first don't wake up. So we did that the two year old step till 730 Oh my words, oh, that's what a twist. I know

So what we do now is when the four-year-old wakes up we she comes to us about 630 and we give her an eye pad? She watches Netflix for an hour and then we get up at 730. That's the plan at the moment. And I felt really bad about giving her her their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thooooooooes. thioliolioliolioliolioliolioliolooooooooomoes. Oh. toyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoy. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. So. So. So. So. So. So, t. So. So, t. So, t. So, t. So, t. So, t. So, toye. So. So, toy30. That's the plan at the moment. And I felt really bad about giving her an iPad first thing the morning, but she doesn't have it all day. The only time she has it is if we're like on holiday or if they're on well, or it's been, you know, that kind of thing of like, they're on a long drive or whatever. The only time they have it is the hour in the morning, the morning, the morning, the morning, the morning, the morning, the morning, the morning, the morning, the morning, the morning, and the morning, and the the the the the the the the th, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, their, the th, the their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is their... their. their. their. their. their. their. their only only only only only only only only th. their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their. The only only only their. to him then and we cratch up on sleep and then you know having to do it late in the day but I'd try putting the 80 month year old to bed an hour earlier and then just reclaim your evening and then just accept you're getting up early but four is four is hard but four twenty years I mean it's inhumane really it's some it's unacceptable is that torture sleep you know if you've you know when they have to the the the the same to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the the to their their their their they. their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the they. they. they they they. they they they they they. they. they try. try. try. try. try. try. try. try. try. try. they. they they they they they they they torture. It's like, you know, if you've got a really bad sleeper, it's like that end bit of SAS. You know when they have to like go through that sort of trauma training?

Yeah. It's sort of loud screaming, babies, they usually use crying babies and waking you up in the midnight as torture. And we all chose for that to happen. What are we doing? that we've made our bad. We've made our bed on that one, Rob. We all know we've made a mistake, but now we're just having to lean into it and pretend we want to be parents. Yeah. Right, so, Rob, what are the names of your children

that you call them? Gavin and Malcolm? This is from Maria Fisher. Our kids, we have three daughters, also have fake names. Gregory, Pete, and Barry Salmon. You got they got more confident with Barry Salmon, didn't they? Started when our oldest was one, she's now almost nine. It's continued right through to our newest edition who's just turned ten months and it's now a right of passage.

So much so, my husband now gives fake names to all of our friends' children. So I thought people could write in with the fake name that I'll give my daughter. And then we could choose the best fake name. Oh, that would be nice. Great options. I like Barry Salmon. Barry Slamm. What about Mickey the Slag? Yeah, not so much. Not so much. Not so much. Yeah.

Particularly with that can-can outfit I've just bought her. Gary the Blade? Gary the Blade. I'll try a few out and we'll see what sticks. Also as well you've got it's got to work with Widdocum. Yes. So do you call them Gavin and Malcolm Beckett? Not to their face but on forms. you know where they want their their their their their their their w their w w w their their w w w w w their their their their their their their their their their their their their their the the the the. the can can't the. theck can't thoom can can can can't thoome. tho. that that that that that that that that that that that th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the the the the can can't theanananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananan the. the call them Gavin and Malcolm Beckett? Not to their face, but on forms. Stuff like that. On forms? You know, where they went the full name. Yeah, for track and trace. Yeah, email stuff, you know, like when they don't give you a receipt anymore

and you have to tell them everything about you in the fucking night shop. Oh, do you know what happened last night? I went to the pub for the first time. Legend? Yeah. And you have to log in on Track and Trace, totally acceptable. There was a bloke at the pub who turned up, so I sat outside the pub, like in like the seating on the street that's nominally a beer garden but it's just some street. Yeah. And a bloke walks past with a snake. And then people are having the photos photos photos photos photos photos photos photos photos photos photos photos photos photos photos photos photos photos photos photos photos photos photos photos photos photos photos photos photos photos photos photos photos photos photos photos photos photos photos photos photos photos photos photos photos photos photos photos photos their their their their thoes thoes thoes thoes thoes thoes th. th. th. th. th. th. the. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I that's th. I that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's th. I I I I I I th. I th. I I th. I th. I their their their their their their their their to to their to to to to to to their to the. I theat. I thea theat. I theat. I thea. I theat. I thoooooo. I the. I the. I tho are having their photos taken in the beer garden with the snake in exchange for tagging him in the Instagram. Oh my god, that's a corona threat. Can it, is that a surface?

Snake skin where it can be transferred? I'm supposed to be disinfecting the snake between each person holding it. Where did you go? Where did you go for a pint? Jakarta? What's that happening here? Josh, I thought we put it to bed about you not being salty, but I've had another email. Oh no, oh no. Hiya, I've not seen that forayad is, hiya. Hiya, got a quick salty Josh Widdickam story that might be of interest.

Could I just say on the salty emails, I find them absolutely, it's like, it's thrilling to have them read out because it's both it's both it's both it's both it's both it's both it's both... It's both. It's both. It's thii. It's thi. It's thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thri-a. to have them read out because it's both terrifying and like hugely excited. This is what I imagine doing a bungee jump is like. Well yeah because I'm up we've put a call out hopefully we'll get some sorty ones of me so it's fair but I've my view is right I'm gonna tell you why I weren't salty and that bloc was a prick that's my default strategy on it but you're a bit more forgiving. Well, you know, down on myself. Yeah. I live in the same area of London as Josh and I've seen him in the wilds of Shoreditch three

or four times over the last couple of years. I'm a big fan, but never gone to say hi just because I didn't want to bother bothering, bother him. However, one morning about a year ago, I was on my way to to to to feature to feature to feature to feature to feature to feature to feature to feature to feature to feature to feature to feature to feature to feature to feature to feature to feature to feature to feature to feature to feature to feature to feature to feature to to to to to to to to to to to the to the the the the the the the their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their thi thi. thi. thii. thiii. thiii. thi. thii. thi a businessman in Smart Casual Diet. Classic Shortitch. Classic Shortage. I'll be honest with Stuart who's emailed in. I'm going off you at the moment. It sounds like a terrible morning. So he's off to film a music video with his mate. Anyway, it was early in the morning and was in a hurry so decided to stop by the 24-hour bagel place on Brickle toe and th missed breakfast. As I was leaving, Josh Whitaker with his push chair came rolling in.

I assume you've got a child in it, not just you with your push chair, you'd like to go about. No, I was just getting a lot of bagels. Just filling up a push chair at their head home. I do always see people with an empty push chair and it's normally do they know there's not a baby in there? Well, I have to say we're not allowed to leave our push chair at nursery. Yeah. So I have to do the 40 minute walk back from nursery with the push chair. Amazing. And every time you go across as ever crossing, you can see people looking at you like that,

that is a bad parenting going on that. You ever got your chance, you're still in the, the, the, the, the, the, the, th, th, th, th, th, th, th swings? Anyway, so you came in when you pushed it. He looked very tired and to be honest, a little fed up. He looked at me presumably thinking I'd been out all night and was getting something for the way home. In a mildly disgusted manner, I wanted to keep my policy, in a mildly disgusted with him. You were, Josh. I imagine jealousy if the bagel shop at that that time in the the I wanted to keep my policy of not making a fuss, especially with his child present and left. However, just before I got outside I said, very casually, see you, Josh. His look of mild disgust went to why I'd built Wilderman as I walked across outside the shop as he was trying to work out if he just pied off someone he knew. I was sorry to wake you Josh. That is that the absolute that that that that that that that that the that that that the that that the their that their their their their their their their. their. thi. thi. th. th. to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. the. the. the the. the the the. the the. the. the. the. the the. to to to to to to to to. th. That is the absolute situation I constantly find myself in which I'm sure

you've been in as well, which is that someone says hello to you and you don't know whether you know them or not. Yes. And it's so awful when you do know them and you haven't acknowledged that you know them. Yeah. So my deep hole is to kind of have to presume that I know everyone that says hello to me. Yeah, so. Yeah, but also as well there. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. It. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. I. I. I. I's. I's. I's. I to. I to. I to. I to. I to. I to to to to to. I to. I to to to to to to to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. to. to. to. the. th. to. th. th. th. So. th. th. th. to me, which is wrong. Yeah, but also as well, there is a slight, sometimes I get a bit annoyed when they go, oh yeah, hi, it's so and so, and I know something's about eight degrees of separation. I was like, mate, I think I met you once at a party. I think I met you once at a house party, it'll be weird if I did remember you.

They've got some sort need for attention, I've flogged myself all over the tele for 10 years. That's why you remember me, but unless you did a shit on someone's head at that party, I'm not going to remember you. No one is, don't remember someone, they met a party ten years ago. You'd also remember the person who's head was shot on as well. They'd be the two people who needed help clean it up. But anyway, do you not remember this guy? You're a vegetarian, so you should be in a- No, no, no, no, you can buy bagels. So like, so I always go on, we'll have them on Christmas morning bagels

with the cream cheese and the salmon for my wife. So this was Christmas day? No, no, no, no, no. I'd go on Christmas Eve and then maybe if like it was someone's birthday or maybe if it was like the day before like an like a nice day where we wanted a nice breakfast I'd go and get a load of bagels. Oh nice. Yeah, yeah, good shop. Yeah, good shop.

And if I saw someone who was dressed in a suit so I thought he was a square when I didn't realize he was actually going to film a trendy music video then I do apologize. Yeah, really cool. I mean I would argue though if your friend's any good they would have wardrobe at the music video shoot you would have to wear it and get your own lunch in breakfast. But I don't want to cast aspers on the band I'm sure it was a YouTube vid. Yeah Bono's actually very tight when it comes to music videos. Yeah it was beautiful day the one the one the the they they the they the they the the the the their. they their. It was beautiful. It was beautiful. It was beautiful. It was beautiful. It was beautiful day. It was beautiful day. It was beautiful day. It was beautiful day. It was beautiful day. It was beautiful day they's beautiful day. It was beautiful day. It was beautiful day. It was beautiful day. It was beautiful day. they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they's. they's. Yeah. they's they's they's they's they's they's their. they's their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their tri. tri. tri. tri. tri. tri. their their their their their their their their their their their th. th. th one they use for the ITV coverage of the Premier League at the airport. If you look after the pennies the pounds will look after themselves he's a very rich man. He doesn't want to pay for people. And that used to be Bono's view on the debt in Africa, but he's changes new and did a couple of gigs so people can change. We're going to... If you have any salt emails or any inappropriate school plays or any names suggested for my child or any reasons that Rob shouldn't talk about golf. Also as well I'm going to I'm driving to Spain and no one's give me any help or terrible stories about long journeys in a car and holiday so please send in

your horror stories of driving to Spain because I'm worried I've got to get a roofbox. Also apparently if you drive to France you've got to have a breathaly a kit in your own car so you can can th th th th th th th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. So th. th. th. th. th. the the th. th. th. th. the tho tho the. the the the thr-I the. the. their the the. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. thy. thy. thy. th. th. th. So. So. I. I. I. I. I. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm toa. toa. toe. te. teoluuuuu. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. to thr-I. I'm the. I'm to I've got to get a roof box. Also, apparently if you drive to France, you've got to have a breathalyzer kit in your own car so you can be tested at any point. So it's getting quite stressful but we'll work it out. Send in your tips to Rob for his journey if you want to get in toucest for any reason this is how. Email us, hello at lockdown parent. Thank you so much for listening. It's. It it. It. It. It. It. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to be. So. So. So. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the, to be. to be. I. I. I to be. So. So. So. So. So,. Or we're on Twitter at lockdown parents. Thank you so much for listening. It's been absolute pleasure. Thank you, Rob. Cheers Josh. It's been fun on it. Who have we got next week? We're back on Tuesday. Who've got a banter. Bit of banter. If you enjoyed that, come back on Tuesday, there'll be more of it.

Oh loads, loads of banter with a brieen.