Parenting Hell with Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe - S01 EP32: Twice as long as a weasel

Episode Date: August 14, 2020

ROB BECKETT & JOSH WIDDICOMBE'S 'LOCKDOWN PARENTING HELL' - S01 EP32: Twice as long as a weaselMore misadventures in parenting from Josh and Rob. Enjoy. Rate and Review. Thanks. xxx If you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @lockdownparent INSTAGRAM: @lockdown_parenting(And the NikNak account is @penrosehouse #niknaksafety)A 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Looking for a collaborator for your career, a strong ally to support your next level success, you will find it at York University School of Continuing Studies, where we offer career programs purpose-built for you. Visit continue. York you.C.A. I'm going back to University for zero-dollar delivery fee, up to 5% off orders and 5% Uber cash back on rides not whatever you think university is for get Uber won for students with deals this good everyone wants to be a student joined for just 499 a month savings may vary eligibility

and member terms apply hello I'm Josh Whitakam welcome to lock down welcome to lockdown the show in which Rob and I to be a parent during lockdown which I would say can be a little tricky. So in an effort to make some kind of sense of the current situation. And to make me feel better about my increasingly terrible parenting skills. Each episode will be chatting to a famous parent about how well they're coping. Or hopefully not. And we will be hearing from you the listener with your tales of lockdown parenting woe. Because let's be honest, none of us know what we're doing. Hello and welcome to lockdown parents in hell with Rob Beckett and Josh Winnockham.

Oh, that was good ones there, huh? Who was that Rob? I did those. Yeah? That was just me. I don't, did you think it was a kid? Do you know why? No, I wouldn't say a kid. I thought possibly a dying grand, maybe? Well basically, I couldn't find any contributors this week so I did it myself so that was Rob from London age 34. Yeah zone 5 is barely London but we'll move on. Zone 5 oh yeah let's look and talk about that can't we judge? What do you want to talk about first do you want to talk about the incident of the one show or do you want to talk about our parental meetup? I think let's go one show because that was the the most the most the most th. the most th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the th. th. th. the th. th. th. We th. We th. We th. We can't th. We're th. I to to th. I the the to to to to to to to to to to the to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. I the the the th. I th. I th. I thi. I the. I the. I'm the. I'm the. I'm the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. I the. I talk about our parental meetup? I think let's go One Show because that was the most recent and that literally happened

last night and I think there's a lot you need to get off your chest and chin in order to really sort of burn these demons but we did the One Show the One Show last night didn't we Chris Ramsey, fellow comedian podcast Alex Jones and they were hosting it and we we dialed in didn't you Josh? So we did the one. Welcome to all our new listeners who are here from the One Show. Yeah, thanks guys. Thanks guys. Well first of all, I love the One Show but they did set us up on it. Like we were actual like super nanny parenting experts. I mean you've done a course in parenting because they threw dilethe-Ithe- Like- the the di di di di di di di di di di di di di di di di di di di di di di di di di di di di di di in th- th- th- th- thir in thir thir to have thir to have to have to have to have to have done to have to have done to have done to have done to have done to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to their-up-up-up-upon. their-upon. their-upon. their-upon. their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their to to to their to to told threw dilemmas at us, like we knew what we were talking about, but we haven't got a clone. I'd like to apologize firstly for taking the piss out of one of the people who threw a dilemma at us. That was so out of older, Judge.

I mean, it was edging on salty. I thought it was. It was salty, it was, well, no, it was just an amusing, you know, bit of banter. It was just an amusing, you know, bit of banter. But then I did realize that he's just some bloke in a park who they've gone up to film in the lunch break. Yes, and they asked him, his dilemma was... It's consoles, yeah. Yeah, I've never had a console for our kids.

We never bought consoles. Me and Mommy don't think it's right for them to play computer games too much. You said, on TV to about 3 million people. I just said I think the first issue you've got is you shouldn't be calling your wife mummy, it's creepy. It really was funny though. That was a very funny. Well, it did feel like it was Norman Bates in Psycho. Like, oh, Principal Skinner.

But anyway, that was by the buy. They then did an animation of our podcast. Now Rob, we have put a picture. thiae. thiae. thiae. thiae. thiae. thiae. thi. thi. thi. thi. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. to, to, to, to, to be, to be, to be, too. to be to be to be, to be, to be, to be, to be, to be, to be, to me, to me, to me, to me, to me, to me, to be to be to be to be, to be to be, to be, to be, to be, to be, to be, to be. I, to be, to be, to be, to be, too. too. too. too. too. too. too. too. too. too. too. too. too. too. too. too. too. too. too. too. too. We. too. to, to, to by. They then did an animation of our podcast. Now Rob, we have put a picture, if you haven't seen this, on our Instagram account. What is our Instagram account, Rob? Rockdown, parenting is the Instagram page. There's a few bits of Bob's on there, but they did a brilliant animation actually. When I first saw it, I thought, this could be great, we could do this on YouTube with some of our stories. And it's got a Rosie Rosie Rosie, throzy, throzi, thron, thron, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. tho, tho, tho, thi, thi, thi, thi, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, thi, thi, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, th. th. th. th. th, th, th, th, th. th, th. What, tho, tho, tho, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, the's in the middle who literally looks like she's a film premiere. She looks unbelievable, like a Hollywood actress, right? Then they've got me me and really there's a lot going on with my one but the problem is you look so awful.

If you actually looked at that picture of me in isolation, it looks like I've been punched in the eye, but no one even noticed or mentioned it because you look like about 45 stars. You look at the fattest man I've ever said you've never looked that fat. Your face is huge. I don't know what they've done. So they've done one of those things where they kind of animate, they get a photo and then they move the mouth up and down. Yeah. But they've like it's like it's like they've laid an extra yard of chin so that that that that that that that that that the mouth that up and down within it. I don't know what's going on. It looks like, you know when you put your face in an app where it makes it obese? Yeah. And then they've used that and your teeth look like they've just been placed in, you've got no bottom teeth, just like top old grand teeth. You look blown up. I look, I mean, I'm difficult to say what I look to say th what I look tho, I look th. I look th. I look th. I look th. I look th. I look th th th th th th th th thi th thi thi thi thi thi. I'm thi. I look thi. I look thi. I look thi. thi. thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. theeat theat. theat. theat. theateateateat. tea. tea. tea. tea. theatea. the read out what you wrote in the text message? Yeah, no.

I look, yeah, you said to me, I look like I'm on drugs for an illness. It does look like that. It does look like you need water attention tablets. You look like you're retaining too much water, and it's mainly being retained in your face. I'm not gonna lie to you you I you I you I you I you I you I thuuuu. I thu. I thu. I thu. I thu. I thu. I thu. I thu. I thu. I thu. I the I the. I the. I look the. I look the. I look to to to to to to to to me to me to me to me to me to me to me to me to me to to to to to to to to to to to to say to to say to say to say to to to to to to to to to say to say to to say to to say to to say to to to to me to me to me to me to me to me to me the. I the. I the. the. thean thean thean thean thean thean thean thean thean to me. to me to me said to me to me said to me to me I've ever looked. Yeah, and at the moment, you're in incredible shape, Josh. You're working out a lot. You've like, you look lean.

You look powerful, you know that, sort of like slim. You do, you don't like an wiry broke. You're like a boxer from the war. You're lean, but it all looks powerful, Josh. It's genuinely, it's a chilling vision of the future that I need to put above my desk. You've really got a... You can't put on weight, Josh. You cannot allow it. Like, you know, some people can carry it off. You won't be able to. It looks insane. It looks hilarious. I can't stop looking at it. And my face is so big. It looks like my glasses no longer fit. How is that the thing?

Your chins are that. I've got a theory on this. Basically a researcher or something, let's put a call out now. If you know the person, you work in TV that did this on the one show, let us know. Because I think there's some beef. There's some salty beef between you two. At some their their their their their the is their revenge. There's though not other explanation. It's got to be. Thousands of photos of you online not looking like this. Did that guy that came to the last leg and said that I wouldn't give it do enough

crowd work? Does he got a job at the one show? It looks like some of your salt victims started to work in TV just to bring to end to to to end to end to end to end to end to end to end to end to end to end to end to end to end to end their. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th the. the. the. the. the the. the. the. the. It's the. It's the. the. the. Did the. the. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the the the. the. the. the. the. the. the. theeeeeeeeeean. to thean. thean. to thean. theaaa. thea'a thea thea thea thea the an to be on the one show. Oh it's lovely isn't it? Such a fun show. Such a fun show. Really nice. Lovely video about water shrews. I've ever really given the time of day to be honest but what a creature. Exactly. And there were a couple of those shots they try to make the water shrews look fat than they are actually and the water shrews were livid at home. It's a tough show to be on as a comic though because they have to cover everything. It's a magazine show. It started off of sending out condolences to the people that passed away in a train accident. They spoke about that we'd slipped into a recession.

They spoke about coronavirus. And then it was a scam about double glazing. And then I've got a bang on about talking about screen, the screen, their, their, to, to be, their, to be, their, to, their, their, their, to, to be, the, the, the, to, the, the, to, the, the, to, the, the, the, the, the, the, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, the, their, the, their, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is a, is a, is a their, is a their, is a their, is a too, is a too, is a too, is a too, is a too, too, is too, too, too, is a too, is a too, is a too, is a their, is a the I've got a bang on about talking about screen time and I was like it's a jump in it. Just you us two of the water shows trying to keep this try to keep this partnership afloat. It's a bit of a dark show just make Josh look obese. Yeah, why not? So we'll be using that picture I'm sure.

Can we do some merch I want that photo on a mug. we could we could we could we could we could we could we could we could we could we could we could we could we could we could we could we could we could we could we could we could we could we could we could we could we could we could we could. We could. We could. We could. We could. We could. We could. We could. We could. We could. We could. We could. We could. We could. We could. We could. I. We could do. We could. We could. We could. We can. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We can. We can. We can. We can. We can. We can. We can. We can. I. I. We could. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. We can. We can. We we do some merch? I want that photo on a mug or we could do we could have that photo could be we could do I tell we could do salty and unsaulty and sort of pepper pots. So salty we have a photo of you looking moody on the last leg and then unsaught in brackets is just pepper we can have your big chubby ed. Yeah that's gonna be great I can I just put my name down for not having them in my kitchen? Okay fair enough. What does possible sound like for your business is having to spend to power your scale with no preset spending limit redefined possible with business platinum. That's the powerful backing of American Express terms and conditions apply visit amx.cA. slash business platinum.

Now, we should say that since the last recording, our children have met. I shouldn't play out what my daughter was saying in the car home, Rob. All right, OK. So Tom Allen was there. If you're not aware of Tom Allen, he's a wonderful comedian, you might have seen him on, Bake-off an extra slice or there's something about movies or various things. Mott the week, he gets about, he gets about, he's doing it right himself.

Yeah, so it was lovely, you know, you came around about midday and your daughter, do you know what, your daughter, they played really well? Do you know what's fascinating? It takes two hours for children to acknowledge other children's existence, doesn't it? Yes, sometimes, especially like when they first meet there was sort of bit clinging stuff like that, but what was good was by the end of the day, they were all playing lovely and eating together and playing games and stuff like that and it was it was good. It could have been awful. to say what a wonderful family home. What a wonderful family home. I'm going to say it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, th. It makes th. It makes thi thi thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, tho, thi, thi, that, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi, thi, thi, thi, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, togu. It's toda, that, that, that, that, that, that, thi, th it, it makes me realize that I live in an adult's home that has been adapted

to have a child also living in it. Rather than you basically live in a wonderful, a soft play. No, you basically live in a wonderful family home that I'd love to grow up in. And I came home and I thought that is the home I would want to grow up in, maybe we should do that to our house. And then within 12 hours I thought that is the home I would want to grow up in. Maybe we should do that to our house. And then within 12 hours I changed my mind. But for a moment I thought should I put my daughter first? Well, that's because we bought this once we had kids where you moved into your place

before you had kids. So hence the Nickknack collection where we are very light on knickknacks in our house. There's one room with a few knickknacks in but ultimately it's not that knickknack heavy is it? Yes, no. And that's because we had kids where we sort of were getting it done and stuff like that. We've already made a purchase based off the back of. What have you bought? We've bought a suitcase of pens. What a success the suitcase of pens has proved to be? Yes we had huge pen colouring in problems where we had like just basically like a draw of loose pens. Lids everywhere, no respect to the pens. They were treated, they treated like animals, awful, horrendous, right? So that was the situation we've been in and since you get the suitcase of pens, yeah, and in force, I put the lid back on and then you can have fun with tidying up the pens yes and it's a totall. It's tot, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, it's, it's, it's a, it's a, they. It's, it's, it's, they. It's, they. It's, they. It's, it's, like, tot, like, like,'s only a set amount of pens and they've all got a certain space in the suitcase, haven't they?

We've got a trolls one, we've got it from Costco. It's about 10 quid. You've got loads of paper and coloring in like pictures of trolls to color in it. And also we had crayons, and they had crayons hunt for the pen. And if they don't respect the suitcase and the order of the suitcase no coloring in and we don't have any other coloring pens or pencils apart from the suitcase of pens. This is the thing right you Rob it's fun. It's fun fun fun fun. It's just the fun. Do you want some fun now This one never ends in your house. But they got them really well though.

It was quite a relief though, Josh. And it was, I know our wives have met before but not properly. And it's not, I think we'll be able to continue with the podcast. It's all fine. There was one moment because your daughter's dropping her nap. She got a bit stressed didn't she for a bit? But you know what? That was great because other people's houses who don't have children, that would have been a real, like that's it, that's game over. That's what's going on.

That is goodbye. Yeah. Good night, Vienna. Yeah. But no. No, you clawed it back. Honestly, you went because she was playing up a little bit but nothing too bad she was just getting a bit stressing you took her into the other room gave her a value game screamed in her face until she was quiet I said me and me and Lou were taking bets I was like right I reckon there's a chance here they might

just panic and leave or they're just they're going to stay it's going to be interesting to see what your approaches and I would like to say I'm going to credit to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to say I'm going to credit you now it was the spirit of Istanbul. You were three kneel down at one point after a great start you went three you went three nil down in a blink of an eye and brought it back at one four three because like I said and we were the same if we'd got around other people's house and our kid was doing that that it back round and stayed. Well, I felt yours were a little out of order when they were kicking off actually, Rob, I thought it was good though, that you did that rather than, because like you say, if you do visit your friends that haven't got kids, you'd just go home and let's sleep in the car.

And then you're at home, talking about her highlight. My girl's office. Rob Beckett's office. She absolutely loved Rob Beckett's office. My girls love it as well because I don't really, because they've got the house, it's just full of all kid stuff. So up here, I don't really want toys up here and then playing up here, because it is a bit knick-knack heavy in my office. It's one of the knick-knack zones. I think it's because they weren't really supposed to be in there.

And I'll quickly showing, can I have a look at it can look at the. She sounds like she had the time of her life. Like, oh yeah, voice going, like, chilling out in the car. I should say, what do you think Tom Allen made of it? Well, Tom Allen was supposed to be popping around, he popped around at midday. I said, Josh is coming over for the afternoon. And he had to pick his bike up. When, he to come to to to to to th. tho. I was, th. th. th. th. I was, th. thoes. th. thoes. thoes. th. thoes. I was, thoes. thoes. to to to to to to to be, thoes. the their. tooes. tooom. tooom. tooom. tooom. I was, tooes. I was, the tooes. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I was. I. I was. th. th. t t t t t t t t t t t t t t t trya. t t trya. t t trya. t t trya. to to t t trya. t t t t t t the corner and he had to pick his bike up. I went, well, you come around, have a drink and he picked your bike. I went, I'm gonna, you know, have one, and then I'll pick my bike up and then I'll go. He arrived at midday on Saturday, left at 10 a.m. Sunday.

He got basically, we all had a couple of like drinks at the afternoon. And then, basically I couldn't drink. No. Me and him got absolutely battered all evening. So drunk. He did an exercise class on the Peloton bike at midnight and then collapsed. Yeah, he sent me a video of him on the Peloton at midnight. What were his stats like. He did a 15 minute ride and tea fed. to him, he burned 17 calories. He burned 17 calories. What I did get was he was drunk drunk and he was peddling so fast because basically the pellet of things got like a screen and it does a cast for you right? Yeah. And it tells you go fast here or go slow. The whole time he was going as fast as he could and it was so funny. But yeah we got a bit drunk and a good time but he really enjoyed it to be there was one point

where our daughter's just stuck, I would say, about over 500 stickers on him. Yeah, we should put the picture on our Instagram. Yes, we should do it. Yes, we should do it. He enjoyed it actually, to be fair, and also Tom Allen hasn't got children, and if our children were hard work and not getting on and be difficult, he would not stay all afternoon. So I think no. He gives the play date the seal of approval of a non-parent. Because I've been two hours before without my kids and it's all kicking off and you just do one. You just get out of there. But he was happy to stay, so you know, good on him.

Oh yeah, I should also give a shout out to Lou for a wonderful lunchbox you made Pearl for the way home. Oh yes. The tips I've picked up Rob, I've almost the tha the tha tha tha tha tha tha tha tha tha tha th way home. Oh yes. I mean, the tips I've picked up, Rob, I've almost become a parent from this trip, right? So you've got like cardboard style boxes. You know what a happy meal box? Like a happy meal box? Like a happy meal box. No, a cardboard box that you bought, you all drop the internet and it comes flat

and then you can build it you fill it with snacks and then it's like exciting for the child to get the snacks out. Yeah, so we do that when we got friends like they have friends over or if we're going to the park Rather than just putting it in a carry bag, you put it in there and like there's a special box And they like it's like little little fun treatment, and they keep busy talking about drugs wrong but yeah but yeah but yeah but yeah like it just make mundane stuff like you know we do car picnic where when it's a hundred degrees you just sit in the car with the air con on and let them eat a sandwich or something and it's like car picnic you let them climb over the seats a bit but make boring stuff for kids you know you don't want to waste waste waste to waste to waste to waste to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the the the to the the to the the the the the the the the the they. I I their the the the their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their the. I I the. I thean. I mcunneneneneaun. I mcunneneneaun. I mc. I mcunneneneau. I mc. I'm just just. I'm just you know, you don't want to waste money on something epic.

It's genuinely, I know obviously we're here to say how bad things are on to mob, but it's nice to get these tips and give them to the listeners. Well, exactly. Yeah, and now, according to the One Show, we're going to lockdown parenting mail bag. But it's actually emails and there's no bag. Mate, I have got, I've been inundated with salty stuff from you. Oh come on. It's really gone up or not, which I think, if anything, the exposure on the one show is going to make it worse. They're like, that's the guy I can put a name to the face down. You know, that big fat-headed band that was horrible to me.

Before that, Rob, in the spirit of the one show, can I ask a ask-rog back it? So this is from Stuart Dow Walder. I need your help. Bathtime for us is stressful enough. I have a three-year-old boy and an 18-month-old girl, but my oldest has just started making this worse. As soon as he gets in the bath, he tells us he's done a piss. He calls it a wee, don't worry. My partner tells him off and makes a big deal of it. Me, I think kids will piss in the bath. It doesn't necessarily ruin the bath. We often fall out out about it, as I claim we think pissing in the bath, even now as an adult is actually that bad, and C, what percentage of water will be piss? I believe a tap running for five to six minutes compared to a bit of piss will mean the amount of piss is so ineligible it won't matter. Personally, I don't think you should be wearing the bath as an adult, that's a massive. that a massive. that a massive. thi. that's a massive. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi. to thi. toa. toa. toeee an toauiiiiiiiiiii. toe is thi. thi. thi. And, thi, th no. Also I don't think you people really appreciate how much piss one person can produce. It's so much of it. It's that pints. If I really

need to go I reckon I could do a two-pint piss. I can tell you that is true. Well not for you obviously I don't know about you. I can tell you that's true because have you have been at a festival in a position where you can't get to to to to the to to th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. I th. I th. th. th. I the the the the. the. that's that's the the. that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's th. I th. I th. I th. I th. th. th. th. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the the the the the the the the thee. theee. theeeee. I's theeee. that's thee. that's the because have you ever been at a festival in a position where you can't get to a toilet in a big crowd? Yes. And if you piss in a bottle, it's way more than a bottle. Oh yeah, easily. You're looking at a pint minimum, so anywhere from a pint to two pints, I don't think anyone's done bigger on a two pint piss, you know, maybe someone like think any adult should be weird in there, and I don't, I don't think you should make a big deal of it, but I think get him out. Like just, you know, you've got to just try and encourage them to do it. It can't be just baffing and pierce, can you? Do you think that they should becomes a thing then it so you're coming down against Stuart really there? I'm really yeah I'm against Stuart but I don't think you should go too

hard on it like his partner wants to but I think it's just just explain no you can't do it. No you can't it's not a big problem you can't do it but next time you need one but then they'll ask they. they. their to ask. to ask. their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their. their their. their their. their their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their their their their their together. together. together. toe. toe. toooooooooooooooooooooooooe. their their their their their their their their the. the schedule is, right, have a wee, let me get in the bath, and then they'll learn. Yep, we're going with it. That's my vibe. Do you know what, Rob? They're coming to you for the advice. If they can't take the advice, they need the day they should be coming to for it. Exactly. And Shaq, if you're listening, how much do you piss? Is it more than thi. that's that's thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. That's thi. thi. thi. thi. That's thi. thi. thi. thi. The thi. The thi. The thi. Thea. Thea. Thea. Thea. Thea. Thea. Thea. The. T you th. T you th. T. T. T. T. T. The. T. T. T. T. T. T. The. T. T. T. T. T. thi. T. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. they's. th I mean that's something I'm into I don't I don't know if you're saying that as a joke but I was saying it is a joke but all contents content yeah exactly I mean have you changed like you know when a kid is like about you know three or whatever is or four and still wearing a nappy overnight the the piss in that nappy in the morning oh oh it's like the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. It's th. It's th. It's I'm th. It's th. It's like th. It's th. It's I's th. It's th. I'm that's that's that's that's. I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I's is. I's is. I's is. I's is. I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I th. I th. I th. I th. I's. I's. I was. I was. I'm. I'm. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. th. th. th. t t t. tttttttt tttttttttttttttoy. I'm th th th. I was.. Oh. It's like I've just dunked it in the toilet. It's insane. Um, Rob, this will blow your mind. This is from an anonymous person who doesn't want their name.

And my six-year-old is really into science and nature. After watching Steve Baxhul, we decided to buy a motion-sensitive wildlife camera. Oh, yes. thrown said it was great. thiiiiiiiiiiiolen, thiiiolen, thiii. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. tho. thoom. thoom. th. th. thi. Yes, thi. Yes, th. Yes, th. Yes, this is this is this is this is this is this is this is this is this this this this this this this this this this this this this this this this this this this this this this this this this this th. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. the. the. the. the. thean thean thean thean thean thean thean thean theeeee. thoo great, yep. Yes, well, let's see. We used the camera overnight in our garden hoping to find evidence of hedgehogs or foxes. We drew a blank at home, so we decided to go further afield and place the camera in a local woodland. Oh no. Success. Oh, God. We managed to catch the video evidence of Deers and Red Scruals. Kids were delighted. So we scoured the map the map the map the map the map the map the map the map the map the map the map the map the map the map the map the map the map the map the map the map the map the map the map the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the tho. tho. tho. tho. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the tho. tho. tho. the tho. catch the video evidence of Deers and Red Scruals. Kids were delighted. So, we scoured the map for somewhere we might spot a badger or a pine martin as we live in Royal Scotland. What's a pine martin? I don't know what a pine martin is. To the point where I wonder whether he's written something else and it's just changed it.

But I'm googling pine Martin. I mean a pine. What was the other thing he's after a badger? Badger, that's real. A pine... Oh my God! A pine martin? It's like a little mongoose thing. Oh wow. It's mental. I want to see a pine ma'am-marten. Oh, mate, it's like a cross between a ferret and a fox and a notter. Much, much worse. I put my camera deep in a pinewood overlooking what I suspected was an animal path through

the forest. The following evening, I returned to collect the camera, exciting to see what I find. Imagine my surprise when I found imagery of a late middle-aged gentleman passing the camera. My initial surprise turned to horror as the chap returned a short time later, this time, stark bollock naked, except for his sports socks and hiking boots. Oh, he's not... Are the kids seeing this at this point? Yeah, just when I thought this couldn't get any worse, he stopped by the camera and proceeded

to interfere with himself while standing naked in the woods during broad daylight. Oh no. Suffice to say, what began as an innocent part-time to satisfy the curiosity of the kids the kids the kids the kids the kids the kids the kids the kids the kids the kids the kids the kids the kids their their their their their their their their their their their their toe. toe. to satisfy to satisfy. to satisfy. to satisfy. to satisfy. to satisfy. to satisfy. to satisfy. to satisfy. to satisfy. to satisfy. to satisfy. to satisfy. to satisfy. to satisfy. to satisfy. Heaughe. Heaughe. He to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to their. He their. He their. Hea. Hea. Hea. Hea. Hea. Hea. Hea. Hea. Hea. Hea. Hea. Hea. the. the. theate. theateate. He's is. the. theate. minor police matter with our memory card seized as evidence. Oh God. I mean, that is a lesson for anyone who's trying to catch the footage of a pine Martin. Do you know what though? It just really sums up how disgusting men are. You can put a camera anywhere and after enough time you will find a man wanking. So that's not an ask Rob. That's not him saying, what should this man have??? the th.? th. the th. th. this man. this man. this man. this man. this man. this man. the this man. the this man. the th. th. th. the thi. thi. the the. the. the. thi. thi. to the. to to to that's to to that's to to to to to to to to that's. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I to. I to. I to. I to. I to. I'm to. I'm te. I'm te. I'm te. I'm. I'm to. I'm to. I'm to. I'm to. I'm to. I'm to. I'm to. I, that's not him saying, so what should this man have done?

That is just... Well, turn his back where a balaclava when he's wanking, he's like, he can't get cool. That's what I'd just... I don't know who the advises for. If you want to see a pine martin, google it looking at, it's four times a size of a weasel. It's 60 centimeters long. Are you still talking about the pine martin? Yeah, sorry. Yeah, it's twice as long as a weasel that is. It's always twice as long as a weasel, yeah, I've been there.

Oh, are you twice he was, wait and see him. Absolutely nightmare. Someone that's swimming, but what are you going there? A Pine Martin in your shrugs? Absolutely packing our Pine Martin's turned up. So Josh, do you want some salty emails? Yes, please. Here we go, John. I've got one about me being a bit salty, okay. I have a telreg and Rob being a bit sassy for your podcast. Oh, sassy. We went to a show in Liverpool last year, Hilaire by the way, although I'm sure you won't read that bit out. Yes I will mate. Anyway, it was kind enough to chat to some fans at the stage show afterwards. He was lovely

and it made my year. However, one fan had made him a cake. And when presented with it, he, well, he declined. Can you believe it? The poor woman. I mean, we got his point. Who knows what the hell was in it? But when you just shove it, gratitude, be polite, and take it and bin it. It's not like she laced it with her hypno, I'm planned to follow him. Brutal of him and I still love him my husband, had got me the tickets as a gift, da da da da and they hadn't arrived instead he wrapped a paper mask of Rob's face to open.

You wouldn't have enough paper to wrap a mask at my face after the one show. I'd set the mask on to the night a gig to a woman wearing your face as a mask and then they'll offer you a cake after, and I'll be honest, if you do give me a cake, I will bid it. I think that's a try and I'll not to eat it, I'm not going to eat it. I think that's reckless. Yeah, I think that is right. I mean, you for not taking the cake. I would always go, oh thank you and I would have taken it and then probably not eating it. I may not bin it or I may have just put it in the staff room at the theater or something, so it wasn't wasted, but I probably wouldn't eat it

because I just think I don't know what's in that. But I can't remember that also that gig in Liverpool I was going straight to a pub. I the pub I the pub I was I was I the pub I was I was I was I was going. I the pub. I was going. I was going th. I was going to to to to to to the to to the to the the th. I was going th. I was going th. I was going th. I was going thi. I was going to th. I was going th. I was going to to th. I was going. I was going th. I was going th. I was going th. I was going th. I was going th. I was going th. I was going th. I was going th. I was going th. I was going th. I was going th. I was going to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to theeeeeeeeeeat. I was going. I was going. I was going the. I was going the my family. So that may have been on my mind. Yeah I once did a tour show and it was Susie Ruffel was supporting me this a few years ago. I'm vegetarian, Susie at the time was dabbling with being vegetarian and the promoter who is a great promoter put out a wonderful rider all of it meat. All right and and we've we thought we can't just not eat it, but we're not gonna eat it. So we kind of, empty to the packets kind of into our bag to kind of look like we'd eaten it as a polite thing.

Then the gig ended and we were really hungry, obviously, because we hadn't had any food. But we told him we'd enjoyed the rider. And we like okay you recommend an Indian to go to and he was like oh actually I'm hungry as well I'll come with you oh no came to the Indian with us and as we were driving though I said to Susie because she'd only just gone veggie I was like you're gonna have to at least have a fish dish mate I'd have to have a fish dish I had I don't do to eat I to eat I don't to eat I don't to the to to to to the to the to to to the to to to to to to to the to the to to to that the to to that to that to to that that that that to to to to that that's to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th one thue I the the the the the the thi theeeeeeeeeeeee. I theeeeeeeean theeean to to to to to to to to Because I was like having to go, oh God, I'm, do you know what? I just fancy a vegetable curry. I'm just going to have the veggie one.

I had all that meat earlier, which was lovely. I think she balanced it up. I love meat though, but so tempting isn't it to have a lamb. But you know what, I think I'm, she, let's be honest, she was veggie for about two weeks. Yeah, okay, fish is basically a veg and it's hardly meat. It's a swimming vegetable, Ralph, he'll know that. He's a swimming, a tea swimming cucumber. On the subject of your tour, Chris Marsland, I won't go into the full email, he talks about his tough life parenting, and then at the end, he says says, Thank goodness I have signed permission for a single glorious night out by myself To see Rob's show at the Churchill in Bromley

Oh lovely on October the 20th Yeah, well fingers cross that still happens we find out we should we should find out by today's what the Friday So that's a full tip so it's the 15th is when they're making a new decision on gigs. So look forward to seeing Rob in April Chris there is your night out in April Yeah. We. We. We. We to. We to. We to. We to, we. We to, we to, we to, we to, we to, we to to to to see. We to see. We to see. We to see. We to see. We to see, we to see, we should, we should to see to see th, we to see th, we should th th th th th th th to see to see to see to see to see to see to see to see to see to see to see to see to see to see to see to see th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th th th th th th th th th th th th the the the the the the the tho thooo thoooo thooo the thooo thoooooo-s thoo-s tho-s gigs and stuff. So look forward to sing Robin April, Chris. That is your night out in April. Yeah. Also, I don't think right, you know, I know what we do is like we're in the public eye and stuff, but imagine if you worked at Sangebriz and as you come out from your shift, someone come up to you went, I really should have taken the cake, but then I just think I'm gonna bin it anyway,

but oh God, I mean, what to do? No, I think I don't think you come out that badly, Rob. You're going out on a night in Liverpool, you don't want to be taking a potentially drugged cake with you. Yeah, well seriously, it's a cake a stranger. I'm coming to the audience anyway. Susan Doherty, I quite like this from Susan. I think you'll agree with this from Susan. Hi, Joshua Rob, I think these so-called salty emails are very unfair. I just think people's expectations are ridiculous. You're both delightful, doing your best and you should consider cutting these messages out.

Really enjoy your podcast, best wishes, Susan. Oh, thank you, Suzanne. Thank you, Sus Sus, Su Suzanne. th, Su Suzanne. th, th, th, Su Su Su Su, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, than, than, than, than, than, than, than, thian, than, tho, tho, th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th. th. th. th. th. th. thi, thi, thi, than, than, than, than, than, than, than, than, to than, than, than, than, thanks, thanks, thanks, thanks, thi, than Suzanne. Thank you, Suzanne. I couldn't agree more, Suzanne. Right, okay, Josh, we have a follow-up email from the last leg salty debacle. Oh no. We put that to bed. With images? With images? Okay, right.

So, hi, again, Robin Josh. So this was the person who come and saw you at the last leg where Daisy May Coop and Joe Lysie was on, says she was salty and being rude and on your phone the whole night and stuff about. Not during the show, just in the advert breaks. Obviously, being on my phone breaks. In the recording break.

Anyway, thank you for taking was probably quite harsh to criticize Josh for being salty, given the explanation for the mobile phone news. There we go. Because I think the part of the show was you had to order a takeaway to be delivered into the studio and you was basically set a challenge. That's why you was on your phone a lot, soo soo, okay, so that was, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's been, that's been, that's been, that's been, that's been, that's been, that's been, that's been, that's been, that's been, that's been, that's been, that's been, that's been, that's been put, that's, that's, that's, that's. the the the the the the. the the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the the the the, the, the.. the, the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the....................................................... the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the the the to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. the the the the the the the the the the's very possible that I slash we got things wrong. I asked my girlfriend as you said you'd like to

hear her side of things and she just said he came across as a bit of a prick. So you've gone from salty now to prick. This is a I mean I tell you something I mean that I thought this this email was a thanks for reading out and agreement that the explanation made sense and rather than the calling of a star witness. It's escalated. Yeah. Also not even he's not even gone salty to a bit of a knob. Yeah. Also mate. A prick cheats on you. I think I think he was there he can make his own, you know. Well what she's just he's he's scouled it back because of your explanation. However he went to her to her to her to her to her to her to her the the the the the the the the the the the the the explanation the the the the the explanation the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the explanation. A the the the explanation. A th. A th. A the the the the the explanation. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. A the the the the the the the the the the the the the the explanation. A. A the the the the the the the the the the the th. A th. A th. I. I th. I th. I th. I th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the th. the th. the the th, he can make his own, you know. Well, he's just, he's scalded back because of your explanation, however,

he went to her again for a second of being, a bit of a prick, and she vaguely remembered a story from Josh at the beginning of the show, but moaning his week on tour and specifically a hotel room. He's seeked out the episode and he's found out, That is absolutely illegal. Can you remember what happened then, Josh? I think it was that one. It would have been when I had the hotel room

that had the glass wall between the toilet and the bedroom? Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Yeah. Anyway, he said, upon seeing the first ten seconds alone, I had to agree with my girlfriend's view of Josh's demeanor on the night in question. Why don't it may be wrong to label someone's saucer having a resting miserable bastard face. He looks incredibly sour such bored listening to Daisy's story. What? I've attached a couple of screenshots. Bit creepy, he said about himself.

I think show clear evidence of this. I have yet have no evidence to support the claim of Josh's lack of this. He is very humble. He's a very humble man. He's a very humble man. He's humble. Anyway, it's not fair to compare Josh with a lovely Joe Lysip,

but when literally compared side by side, it's pretty damning. So he's he's taken a photo of the four shots of the people on the sofa. Yeah exactly so he reckons his first let me just play his first 10 seconds we'll probably get sued for this man. I had a recent dream about Boris Johnson. Oh yes I had a dream that I had an affair with Boris Johnson. I mean I've just watched that it's very unfair Josh and you look you're looking away a bit but I just I just think it's getting blown out of proportion is I th I the he I he I he I he I he I he I he I he I he I he he he he he he he he he he he he he the he he he he he he he he th I th I th I th th just I he th just I th just th just thi thi th just th just he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he just he just he just he just he just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just to to to to to the to the the to thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi you're looking away a bit, but I just, I just think it's getting blown out of proportion. I think Chris may have too much time in his hands. I feel like, I'm gonna say it Rob. Yes. Part of what has got me rebookings is an ability to laugh

along and be positive throughout panel shows, but sometimes over my comic ability or my actual enjoyment of the experience. You're the king thiiii king thi king thinininininininininin, I thin, I thin, I thin, I thi, I thi, I thi, I've thi, I've thi, I've thi, I've thi, I've tho, I've tho, I've tho, I've thi, I've tho, I've tho, I've tho, I've tho, I've too, I've too, I've too, I have too, I have too much too much too much too, I have too, I have too, I have too, I have too, I have too, I have too, I have too, I have too, I have too, I have too, I have thi, I have thi, I've thi, I've thi, I've thi, I've thi, I've thi, I've thi, I've thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. too, too, too, too, have too, have too, the experience. Oh, you're the king of looking like someone who's enjoying himself on a show, without necessarily saying anything funny throughout the show. I would say, you're the king of that. That's how you, that's how you've heard, you're doing it now. I'm doing it now. You're great. You're my, you're my Emilie. You're just sitting it all lonely, do you know what? This is the thing the fans don't realise that you need the HESky for the O'Milner. You've got all the records going, all the awards, you haven't won any awards,

but he's the engine ticking over Josh, the comedy engine. You know what I mean? So feel free to attack my jokes. Feel free to attack my big fat face, feel free to attack my annoying voice, but never say that I don't laugh along during a TV show. That is my absolute number one skill. That's your calling card. Exactly. You almost like an audience member that's on the stage. It's excellent. It's great for team morale. So you know, I'll defend you on that and I just think you've looked away at one point and I think they're blown it out of proportion for a bit of airtime to be fair. I await further evidence when the wiretap within my dressing room that day is revealed by this man next week.

And I think we can put any beef between you and Daisy May Cooper to bed because Oh yeah, definitely. May Cooper to bed because she's been on the show it's great. I'll put the pitch I'll put the sorty picture up of you looking away but it's very much taken out of context I don't think you can read too much into that and I call this case close. I've known Daisy since before this country was on she's a she's a wonderful performer so my face not being contorted in glee for two seconds I do apologize yes exactly also if Jack D was on it you wouldn't go oh he just looked like it was miserable yeah I want to spell Jack D a last thing he looked like they had the umper bit that it's allowed it but anyway Josh I'd say no no salty I've got a few ones that actually salty about you but

I don't know oh what's that what's that where you an airpool that's our door that's our doorp that's our doorbell. Shhh. Don't tell anyone. I'm flying back from Spain. Don't tell anyone. I've got to stay in the house for two weeks. So we've got plenty more emails we can go through next time, Josh. But we have to put that one to bed, I think. Yes. How can people get in contact? This is how.

Email us, hello,parentin.co.uk, or tweet us at lockdown parents or Instagram lockdown underscore parenting and you can also send us stuff, POBots 76748, London E99DW. Thanks for listening people. We've got another episode on Tuesday. It's Ellis James. Oh, I mean people have been waiting for this. The miracle man. Exactly. The greatest dad in the history of humanity. And it is an absolutely brilliant episode.

I absolutely loved it. The first 10 minutes where he basically does a monologue about his schedule during lockdown was breathtaking. And if you haven't listened to Izzy Suttie's podcast episode, you have to listen to that. They're a couple with kids, both excellent comedians, and if you listen to her one first before Ellis is, you'll get a lot more from it because it's basically answering a lot of questions that were posed in Izzy's episode. So enjoy. Thank you very much. We'll see them. Bye.