Parenting Hell with Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe - S01 EP33: Elis James

Episode Date: August 18, 2020

ROB BECKETT & JOSH WIDDICOMBE'S 'LOCKDOWN PARENTING HELL' - S01 EP33; Elis JamesJoining us in the studio this episode to discuss the highs and lows of parenting (and life) during the lock down and beyond is the brilliant comedian and writer, actor and all round parenting legend - Mr Elis James.Enjoy. Rate and Review. Thanks. xxx If you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @lockdownparent INSTAGRAM: @lockdown_parentingA 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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and member terms apply hello I'm Josh Whitakam welcome to lock down welcome to lockdown the show in which Rob and I to be a parent during lockdown which I would say can be a little tricky. So in an effort to make some kind of sense of the current situation. And to make me feel better about my increasingly terrible parenting skills. Each episode will be chatting to a famous parent about how well they're coping. Or hopefully not. And we will be hearing from you the listener with your tales of lockdown parenting woe. Because let's be honest, none of us know what we're doing. Hello and welcome to lockdown parenting howe with Josh Whittakum.

Josh Whidike. Rob Beckett. Royd, Royd, rod, rod, rod, rod, rod, roa-de. What? He's like he thought that was a swear word and he was getting away of it. Where I used to go, ass and Grosses go, arse and all. I just call ass and all. That is Chris, this is a voice recording, oh I assume to be three-year-old Felix and Chris,

Ivy and Felix, they live in China. We've got listening, listeners in China. I've actually even just bowling around Beijing, listening to me talk about watermelons. What a world we're in. I'm glad also thank you to China for letting us be one of the things on your internet. There's a market that I don't mind a bit of state sponsorship. I know they like getting involved and they have bit the government. Imagine if we're sponsored by China. The Chinese government like, you know what's great?

Do you know what's great only having one kid. Isn't that right job? That's the best way. Yeah, here's from our sponsors the Chinese government. How have you been, Rob? I've been good actually. It's been nice. We've, we're a bit anxious about like school, some holidays and still being able to work and have sort of our own time. So what we've been quite good is though, we've started one day a week. I have to myself that I can do whatever I want on my own and Lou and the the their their to their to to to to to to their. And to, and to, and to, their, to, to, to, to, their, their, to, to, to, to, to, to, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, the.e. We're, the.e. We're, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their,'ve started one day a week I have to myself that I can do whatever I want on my own and Lou has the same and then we building around that like time for work time for like days out of the kids we've got a couple of nights away but the camping and stuff like that because we couldn't go to Spain so it's been all right actually I was a bit worried so what what what are you doing with your day well? Well, what are you're the the the the the the the the their their their their their their their. their their their. their their their their their their their. their. What are their. their their their their their their their. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time. time time. time time time. time time time time time time. time time time time time time time time time their their their their their their their their their their their their time their time their time time time time time time time time th. time th. th. th. th. th. we. th. we. th. we're time time time time th. time time time time adminny things to do so I had to go to I've got a very bad posthus I'd go to get my chiropractor appointment I go to a chiropractor yeah straight in me out of

bit so I've got a bit of a like chimpneck and head so but I find it quite relaxing to do that yeah I just had quite a chill day what you don't run too much to to to to to to to to to to to to to to their stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff too too to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the the the the their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their th I th. the. I'm the. I'm the. I'm try. I'm try. I'm try. I'm just. I'm just. I'm just. I'm just. I'm just. I'm just. I'm just the't want to ram too much stuff in. When it's not your day, does the child speak, do your children speak to you and you absolutely blank them? No, basically if they're out for the day, I'll stay in potentially, but then if they're in I'll go out. Just have a little bit, I'll have a break, because I think it's good for everyone. What's your day like, what's the, what's, what's, and what's, and, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, the, the, and, to, and, the, and, the, and, the, the, and, the, and, the, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, their, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their..... And, do, their, their, their... their, do, their. Do, their. Do, do, do, do, their. Do, do, their. Do, do, do, do, their. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. Do, do. Do, do. Do, do. Do, the cinema today. Oh. Because I'm having, and once we finish recording this, because we're just doing a little bit in the morning, I'm taking them to the cinema to see some absolute guff. So I'll probably have some headphones in

and listen to a podcast. This one? Yeah, I listen to myself. The awful thing when your headphones. Oh, that would Yeah, Rob Beckett, right? Is he salty or not? I don't know, but he was listening to himself watching 100% Walt in a cinema. Now, today is a very special day for the podcast, because it's the return of Ellis James.

Not the return, but... The arrival of EJ. So, obviously, Izzy City, I was on and she talked about their lockdown. If you haven't listened to that episode, it would be worth going back and listening to it now. Yeah, pulls this one now, yeah, and then listen to that first, then do this one. Yeah. But before that, because we talked a lot on Friday, we didn't get a chance to do loads of emails, do the lockdown parenting mail bag.

But it's actually emails and there's no bag. This is called nephew's tedious hobby. Hi Rob and Josh, not a parent, but I do have a nephew. He's about two and a half years old. He's great and I really enjoy getting to see him and spend time with him. However, he has what might possibly be the most tedious hobby I've ever heard of. Something so dull it would make train or plane spot as yawn. He is an avid tarpalin spotter.

Whoa. I was first introduced to his interest. Last time I visited my brother and his wife's house. I was playing with my nephew in the garden. He asked me if we could go upstairs to neighbor's tarpalins. First I thought he was joking, but his mom informed me this was a daily activity he likes to go. Goes to the bathroom with either my brother or sister-in-law who opens the bathroom window as wide as possible for him,

he's then placed on top of the toilet system so he can gain the same three tarpolins in the neighbour's garden and describing each in detail. What? When he last visited my parents' house, he immediately pointed out all the tarpaulins we had in our garden and later asked me to take him into the garden and show him each of them up close. He also asked my permission to tou-sum. He'd be very gentle, as if I was a museum curator granting him exclusive access to the Shroud of Turin. Is it normal for really little kids to have hobbies and interest this tedious stoke niche? I've not heard of a tarpal inspired. No, I mean it... Can you imagine taking and camping? It loses, it's everywhere. Just going up to the tents, can I look at your ground sheet? I've not seen one that shade of green before. If I was a parent, I'd be delighted with that. I'll be straight down wicks or garden center

or whether you buy your tarpauling from. All good tarpauling centers. Where do you get tarpauling? I've never had to buy a tarpal in. I don't know. I've never had to never never never never never never had topaulin in my life. What is tarpalling before? It's just to stop stuff getting wet normally. It's like if you've got like a bit of building site that needs covering up overnight, you put a tarpalling on it. It's a big old word as well for a two and a half year old. Tarpaulin, yeah. I mean, I've always been aware that tapulin existed, but I've really, it's the most most most most most most most most most most most most most most most most most most most most most most most most most most most most most most most most most most most most most most most most most most most most most most most most most most most most most most most most most most most most most most most most most most most most most most most most's so true, it's the first time I've actually engaged with it as a concept. I don't think I've ever said it out loud. Heavy duty waterproof cloth originally for tard

canvas. Oh there you go. Tar Paulin, a Pauling for tar. Wow, good on it. He enjoys it though. Yeah, I encourage children to have as weirder hobbies as possible because I think it's great. Later in life when people are judging you over liking Tarpaulin, get it down now no one's judging a two and a half year old except this guy except your uncle. Exactly and also it's good to be a bit different a bit. A bit, you know, Catherine Ryan. I don't actually said that this podcast, she said she said, an Emily Dean's podcast, I mean it might be an Emily Dine's a the walk. the the the the the the to to to to be to be the to be to the to be to be to be to be the to be to be the to be to be to be to be to to be to to to to to two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two two thian one one one one the. the. the. thea. thea. thea. theea. theeea. theean. the. two two two two two listened to it. After you've listened to all of ours, obviously. And it's a really good podcast, but she said, she used to go home and say, oh mom, I want to be normal like all the other girls. And her mom said, those bitches aren't normal, they're ordinary.

What does Possible sound like for your business? It's having to spend to power your scale with no preset spending limit. Redefine possible with business platinum. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Terms and conditions apply. Visit MX.C.A. slash business platinum. So Josh, I've got a salty email about you, but I think you're going to have some salt to fire back at these people because I'm already on your side. Okay. Spoiler a lot, here it is. Can I just before we do this just remind me I can't remember the person's name but thank them. They have they have had their email read out before

so we have said their name before but they said people that are looking for salty situations that aren't salty we should describe as salt miners. Oh yes absolute salt miner. Yeah. So I think we've got a salt miner here. And this is from Beth. I have a story about a time Josh made the population of a whole university extremely salty, and then he back salted us. Did she go to Harper Adams? Yes, she went to Harper Adams already. Already the fire in his salt.

Salt Monster's belly is burning bright Josh you have you got salty beef with you ever done that gig Rob I don't think I have no oh my god because Russell Howard had a similar situation where he he was salty about half radoms in like you know worst gig ever done questionnaire or something they celebrate destroying comedians then the mill wall of the universities. No one likes them. We don't care. Yeah, so it's a farming college in Shropshire

and I went to do a gig. I was a middle spot, I was doing the middle 10. Yeah, quite near the start of my career. And they were like, so the girl in charge, who was lovely, I don't know if that is Beth, the odds are it possibly is, because they were very proud to say that they are 98% male, which is never what you want as an audience is a grown. 98% male? Yeah, as a 2% livestock.

Can I read out what she said? And then you can sort back. Yeah, like, uni full of farmers and we are quite feral, she said. It's common place to see pigs heads in student beds, first just shitted into the halls recycling bins, and a number of other unspeakable things. Oh my God. Josh lasted about five minutes on stage. Yeah. He refused to down a dirty pint.

Yeah. He was booed off and he never came back. He slagged off our uni. He said, and I quote, Harper University can fuck themselves. So Josh from Harper to you, stop being a wettie and just drink the piss next time. Well that's the thing is that, so the Ents manager, she said, if during your set they start singing a song, bring a pint on stage, you have to down it. And I was like, well no. We're all like no. And then she was like, yeah, that's probably the right thing to do. Because they made me down a pint yesterday. And it turned out it was full of piss. Oh. Is that what the entertainment's manager?

We've said that, like she'd said. And it turned out, it was a little bit flat. Like, like it was the most mundane've ever done by a million miles and it's so far away. So I was on with Steve Parry, who you know, Rob, and we drove all the way up and I mean I'm not speaking out of turn to say neither us had a wonderful time and then we drove all the way back. It must have been like four hours each way. He's quite political as well, he's very left-winged political, and I imagine a uni for the farmers is going to be quite a Tory, Tory central

union. Well, I don't know how I was speaking out of turn about Steve here because he's a really good comic but he said to me beforehand, I'm going to do all my political stuff, Sodom. Yeah, good on him as well. Right, and then he started and after two minutes it wasn't going brilliantly and I just heard him go, so I'm ginger and I thought he's given up. He's gone to his ginger stuff.

Defcon 4 is like me doing teeth. But I, she's done me a disservice there because I last it, I genuinely lasted six minutes of my ten. It was absolutely the worst gig I've done done. I've done those uni gigs before. I did a gig in Leicester's Week and it was basically similar to that. They didn't try and get dirty points, but they were just singing, shouting, it was a free-for-all. I went on to that, and I won't even die. It was just like trying to do a gig to just a nightclub. They just weren't engaging, it was just. It was thiii. It was just. It was just. It was just. It was just like. It was just. It was just like. It was just like. It was just like. It was just like. It was just like. It was just like. It was just like. It was just like. It was just likedian. It was just like, it was just like, it was just like, it was just like, it was just like, it was just like, it was just like, it was just like, it was just like, it was just like, it was just like, it was just like, it was just like, it was just like, it was just like, it was just like, it was just like, it. It was just like, it. It was just like, it. It was just like, it. It was just like, it. It was just like, it. It was just like, it. It was just like, it was just like, it was just like, it was just like, it was just like, it was just like, it was just like, it was just like, it was just done. And Paul McCaffrey was a brilliant, brilliant comedian, one of the best in the country, went, the thing is, guys, and in his, I lose, he's a mod, is he quite well, he's a ways, he's quite well, he went, if he's just go on.

I said, don't lose my call, with it, deliver my jokes and leave. He walked on and some bloke went, nice shirt mate, and then pull a needle eat turn and went, what'd you fucking say? That's the opening line after this lecture about just play it, play it and call trick. What do you fucking say about my shirt? Oh, it's so funny. But I think that's, you're not, that's what makes you, isn't it, the comic? But I think that's, you're not, that weren't you being salty. That was, no, no, no, that was a difficult situation that I dealt with badly. Yes.

Um, which was very much about us and parenting. Yeah. If you have any emails or any views on any of these things. Get in toucest this way. Email us, hello at lockdownparentin.co.uke, or tweet us at lockdown parents or Instagram lockdown underscore parenting. And you can also send us stuff, PO box 76748, London E99DW. Right now it's time for Ellis James. Hopefully you've listened to the Izzy episode already. Very funny man, comedian in English and in Welsh. He's all over the radio, all over the tell. Podcaster. Actor as well. That's a lot, don't he, Ellis? And a miracle man of parenting. Here is the one you've been waiting for guys, the hero of parenting. It's the one only

Ellis James. Elis, we finally got you. Hello. I've got an intro. I've never felt so wanted. Oh, we've been desperate for you, Ellis, haven't we, Josh? Yeah, I can't believe it. And considering the amount of hours in the day you're awake, it's amazing that you haven't got more or more free time. Yeah, but I'm not actually compostmentis or with it for very many hours of the day. So there's about a 30-minute window where I'm quite entertaining and other than that, I've just got my head in my hands. Well, we should explain to the listeners that aren't really aware of what we're, if they're not listening to the full back catalog, but your partner, Izzy City, was on the show talking about you've got two children. Can you give us just a quick reminder of your set up indoors, Ellis?

Betty, our daughter's five and Stefan, our son is one. Yeah. And Betty, good as gold. She wakes up at approximately 8 to 830 in the morning. Steph, a slightly different story and it was one of those things where, because Betty was always like this, we got into that quite smug habit of telling ourselves before he was born. It's just us, we're just such chilled out parents, you know. More parents could follow our chilled out lead. This whole sleeplessness thing, it's a bit of a myth actually. I think it's a, I think it's their fault.

And I don't know what we did with her, but it was absolutely nothing to do this. And we, we, we, we ended up having to do sleep training because we'd broken every single rule in the book and having checked an awful lot of money at the problem and done sleep training twice, he wakes up at 450 to 5 o'clock every morning. Well actually I tell a lie in the last two weeks, things have really, really, really changed. He was 18 months old two weeks ago, and in the last two weeks, Simmons really clicked, and it's much, much later now, but for the duration of lockdown, from his birth to the, until about a fourth night ago, it was very, very early, yeah.

You're the one who's getting up every morning out. Yeah, we ended up in this slightly slightly, I don't know if it's strange, but it was a slightly imbalanced relationship, in the sense that I would do all the mornings, but Izzy would cook the meals, the evening meal and clean the kitchen as a kind of trade-off. For a couple of reasons, I hate doing the kitchen. I'll do any housework apart from the kitchen. I will do it obviously, but but it's the thing I like doing the least. Is it hurt her back at the start of lockdown, so the one thing she could do from bed, because she was bedridden for the first sort of ten days or so, was sort of meal plans. And when she was up, she could cook. So obviously I had to get up and she couldn't lift him out of the court.

And so she would, we were quite lucky we got Sainsbury's deliveries because we ended up on a list. So she could buy the food and plan meals and cook when she was up, but she couldn't lift him. So I was going to do all of that stuff. The third thing was she didn't mention when she was on the podcast is that when she's tired she does a certain face, right? Which deep down if you asked me I think is put on. We didn't think to ask her you just told us I'd like to add. I found that wasn't that wasn't part of an edit where we've got that out. No, it was. I went for a bike rider lunchtime and I thought, should I say about the face? I thought, that was sod it.

Let's get it out there, let's be honest. You've heard it. The podcast is the most honest of all the mediums. So prior to lockdown, we used to swap it, we used to do sort of, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, the the the the the the the the the the th, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, and, and, to, and, to, and, to, and, to, to, to, th. And, th. And, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the the, the th..... And, th. And, th. And, the, the, the, the, tha. And, tha. And, tha. And, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, tha. And, tha. And, tha. And, to lockdown, we used to swap it. We used to do sort of a night on, night off. And whenever it was her turn to do the morning, she would be like 11 a.m. and I'd say, where am I key? She'd be like, God, turn out. So, stop, God, so time.

For 56, which is fine. It's fine. I mean, it's fine, I mean it's worse for some people but. Gotta write an email man, and I'd go, yeah, it is hard, isn't it? And part of me would think, oh, I have a fucking coffee for crying out. Come on. Have a cold shower. Just splash some water on your face, like they're doing cowboy fills. Come on! So then, of course we her back went, which was obviously a different issue, so I was having to do the morning. Yeah.

In the first few days I was like, I hope she's noticed I haven't done the face yet. What I would say though is that even though she does that face I think is slightly put on, it probably isn't. And she's so much more imaginative with the children th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th first I think is slightly put on, it probably isn't and she's so much more imaginative with the children than I am. So for instance, I don't know, we might have made it out for our hours worth of exercise, which was hard enough as it was, and I used to think that that was, that was the aim of the day and if you got out, if you got them all out at the same time then you'd achieve something. So then I would, we would come back and it'd be about four o'clock and now you're gearing up towards tea and tea time and as he would say, oh I've just got to do, send a work email by the way I promised Betty that we're's that, is that online?

And she go, she go, no, and I say, what do you mean a treasure hunt? And she say, yes, what are you going to do? You've got to write clues based on, I do it for all the time. You've got to write these sort of cryptic clues based on her day and things she likes, and then you leave them around the house and you've you you you you you you you you th you th you th you th you th you th you th you th you th, th, th, th, th, th, th, the, the, the, the, Treasure hunt, are you high? I'm not going to do a treasure hunt. What do you mean from scraw, where am I going to get the claims from? She'd be like, well, you just make them up. Oh, but she was, she is capable of that and it comes quite easily to her, whereas I find that much, much harder. So I do the early mornings and she does the imagination side of

parenting and then we sort of meet in the middle. So then we got we got into this habit of of doing that and what I discovered was the thing with lockdown I mean this would be the same for everyone but particularly I think for parents of of young children every single day was the same and I mean to the minute so four fifty four fifty one so you talk it through your day Ellis but you did how many days in a row did you do this all right like 17 weeks or some I said four fifty one is that. 451. Is that looking at an oil ring?

Is he would nudge me? I know. I know. She's a very light sleep. She's probably you plugs in. So 451, wow, the nudging, 456, I know. 502, I know. 5 or5 eventually go and get it, right? I would then watch the last dance, a documentary about a sport I don't like or understand,

with my head in my hands. And he's just causing havoc, right? And he wore my son Des, are you all right with swearing? Yeah. Okay, well, he would shit himself awake, right? That's his, that's his sort of thing. Just now, like a stack, dude challenge. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's just like, I'm like, 525, you know,

they've just won another NBA. and Michael Jordan's being shown interviews with his teammates on a night pan. I think I should change his nappy. So I change his nappy. I wouldn't give him any milk because the sleep trainer said that will make him think that he should be having milk at 5.30s, you want to hold off from that. So I just head in hands and then at about 7 o'clock, you know, we'd get moving. So then my daughter would the and then I, oh my God, we've got two children, right? So Betty obviously was meant to be homeschooled. And all of my mates at school, we were all two years younger or older than our sibling. So that's so, there's about four years difference between Betty and Steph and I was, I was quite smug about this.

For a long time I said think oh you know she can hold him and you can explain stuff to her and all this kind of thing. What we found difficult was that their needs are so different because she likes drawing and colouring in and telly and hatchimals and what he likes doing is throwing stuff down the stairs then holding his mouth and going, oh oh! Oh! now they are th. th. th. th. th th th. they are are are are they are they are they are they are they are they are they are they are they are they are th. they are th. th. th. th. th. th. th. tho. tho. tho. their their their their their their their their their their their stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their tho. their their their their their their their their their their their stuff. their stuff. their stuff. their stuff. theirthey are two very different. How do you, how do you marry those two things, right? So obviously we're trying to homeschool her and work, right? So school were brilliant, so they were sending lesson plans and stuff. And the thing I like more than anything is is unopened emails. So that all got added to the unopened emails in my sort of in my inbox. And I mean, you know, proudly raising a member of Generation Thick because the lack of home schooling we did was really negligible. Do they send you lesson plans? They used to send

lesson plans and stuff. Yeah, yeah. So we we've got this hilarious white board, which is he bought from staples or something on day one which is like this testament to abandoned plans and hope. And it's got this, I look at this day plan schedule and I laugh out loud and it's like 9 a.m., you know, reading time, 9.15, conversation time, 9.30, you know reading time 915 conversation time 930 you know exercise with Joe Wicks that that never ever ever ever ever ever happened it very very very quickly became television day again Pajama day yeah so then you've we'd have to have lunch at 1145 because any later than that and he'd fall

asleep in his scrambled egg because he's been asleep, he's been awake since 450 so no wonder he's completely run out of juice. What we were lucky was he'd have a good afternoon sleep and then I would do all of my work because I do radio shows and podcast usually, or that was the thing I was able to do during lockdown everything else got canceled or pulled. So then in his, during his afternoon nap, that's when I'd pre-record the radio show or do the podcast.

And then he'd wake up and then it would start again. And then we got into his habit of, at about six o'clock, I'd say, it's the home straight now. It's now. It's now, it's now, it's now, it's now, it's now, it's now, it's now, it's now, it's now, it's now, it's now, it's now, it's now, it's now, it's now, it's the the the th. th. th. the the the th. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th.. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. th th th th threat. th th threat. th th th th threat. th th th th th threat. th th th th threat.. And then we realize that the morning was the longest time, so we'd get to lunch and Izzy'd say, it's the home straight now. Yeah. Seven and a half hours they'll be there'll be a split. Do you, because I haven't reached this age, Rob, where I was thinking this age, Rob, When does your meal meld with your child's meal? So you're having the same dinner? Yeah, not, yeah, I was talking to a friend of mine who's kids are teenagers. And he was saying, well, we never ever gave them children's meals.

They had a version of what we had. I don't want to be cooking my meal at 5 p.m. Yeah, exactly. And so they do have, they do have, they do have, they they have, they they they have, they they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, their, th. to, th. to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to't really know. I think that's what you've got more of a schedule though. If you have, if you get in from work at a certain time every day and I think that works to families of schedules but as is so all over the place, it never really happens. Yeah, yeah, before lockdown, our schedule was all over the place as well, whereas it's so because so much of the work went or changed, it's now now more settled. So then what I what I discovered was I was actually once I was up I was once I had a cup of coffee I was all right and then I would have this dip at about 615. I mean pretty much to the second which used to match their bath time. So baths should be fun but that was when I was at my most tired and what I found

then was it was too late to have a tea or a coffee because that would keep me awake so obviously I've got to go to bed so early so I would just they would just have a really grumpy bath every night. What time are you going to bed out? I would try and try and go to bed at around 10. As anyone who knows me, you'll know this. I'm an extreme nightdow and always had been, even when Betty was little, and stand-up used to keep me awake as well, and even when I stopped doing as much stand-up, I still had a stand-up's body clock, but that has now finally been broken by lockdown. So I tried to go to bed at about 10, but we'd, I'd have this dip at about 615 and it was too late to have a tear of coffee so Betty'd splash me and instead of splashing it back I'd be like you what mate? What's your problem what is your problem so like Grand Dog Day now I

I find this film incredibly poignant because every day was exactly the same. And how does it feel now? Well they went back to the childmind and Betty went back to school so when doing his nap which was when I used to do all of my work I could fit an enormous amount into that nap. Well you you must have been so tired. Well, I mean, the really pathetic thing is that we were watching, so then we'd get them to bed at about eight o'clock, and then we'd have eaten. And we were trying to watch normal people. The episodes are less than 30 minutes. We were doing 10 minutes a night with the caveat that I had to be in the mood in to be in to be in to to to to to to to to to to to the mood. to to to to do the mood to do the mood the mood to do the mood to do the the to do to do to do to do to do to do to do tothe caveat that I had to be in the mood. 10 minutes. So what were you doing with your two hours to yourself?

I'd stare a lot. I used to unwind better reading than watch and tele, for some reason. And also I didn't want to go on my phone really after about quarter nine because the screen used to keep me awake because being a nightdell, what I used to find is even when Betty was very tired, I mean even when Betty was waking up very early when she was little, I'd get this second wind in the evening no matter how how tired I'm tired. So I've really got to try and avoid a try and avoid try and avoid try and avoid to try try try try try to try to try to try try and avoid to try to try try and avoid to try to try try and avoid that. to try that. that. I to try that. I to try that. I to try try try try try try that. So I'm the same. I've to to their their their their their. I'm their. I'm the the the the the the the the the the to to find. I'm to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to find. So. So. So I'm to find. I'm to to to to to to to to to to try. I try. I try and try and try and try and try. I try. I try. I try. I try. I try. I try. I try. I try try try try. I try. I to be toto try and avoid that because if I had two hours sleep in you know at night, as soon as it gets to about eight o'clock I actually feel alright, whereas I'll have felt sluggish all day. So I'm really trying to avoid getting that second wind or I'll end up watching a film or something and go to bed too late. How was your first day of the child miner and back to school where you had the day to the th the day the day the day the day the day the day the day the day the day th. where th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to that. Whereas I. Whereas I I I I to to to the the the the th. Where. Where. Where. Where I th. Where I the. Where I the. Where I was I was I was I felt I felt I felt I felt I felt I felt I felt I felt I felt I felt I felt I felt I felt I felt I felt I felt I felt I felt I felt I felt I felt I felt the day to to to to to to to to the. I felt like I'd won 50 million pounds. I just could not believe it. And I could, I didn't know what to do and I used to get, when I used to get a little moments to myself.

I used to think, right, what am I going to do then? Am I going to read a book or am I going to to be just a friend? I could I didn't know what to do? And I'm going to phone a friend or am I going to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to their. I their. I their. I to their. I to to their their. I their. I their. I their. I their. I just. I just. I just to their. I just. I just. I just. I just. I just. I just. I just. I just their. I their. I their. I their. I their. I their. I their. I their. I their. I their. I their. I their. I their. I their. I te. I te. I te. I just. I just. I just. I just. I just. te. te. te. te. I just. te. tell. I just. I just. I just. I just. I just te. I just tell. I just te. I what am I going to do then? Am I going to read a book or am I going to watch a film? Or am I going to text a friend? Am I going to phone a friend? Or am I going to watch? Or am I going to read about tele? So I'll know what to watch? So when I have got time to people of our age who don't have children, they're weekends. Two whole days.

I find it mad that people have their weekends. Yeah, yeah. The thought of like just sitting and like enjoy, I used to enjoy a hangover. Yes, yeah, that's a big thing. I used to kind of thrive on watching the football on a hangover and making waffles and beans for breakfast on a hangout Do you know what I mean? I'm not? I mean, I'm funny. Yeah Yeah Oh sorry, I'm hung over. Whereas now I'm like, great, I'm ruining lives. I've ruined my life. Because I had four cans. Now she's crying and I'm crying. Great.

Also, it's like, you're paranoid the whole time. Like, well, I don't feel bad, but will I feel bad? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They're completely psychological now. Oh, you're one of those dads. Oh you're you're a beer and a Maretti dad. Yeah, yeah. Ha ha ha ha ha. Kids are in bed, eight cans by the side of the side of the show. Do you think Izzy was worried about you coming on this podcast, Ellis? No, I don't, I don't think so. She, I listen to it and it. And, and it. And, and it. It. It. It. It. It. It. It's, th. It's, it. It's, it. It's, it. It's, it. It's, it. It's, it. It's, it. It's, it. It's, it. It's, it. It's, th, th, th, you, you, th, you. Oh, you're, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh, you. Oh, you. Oh, you. Oh, you. Oh, you. Oh, you. Oh, you. Oh, you. Oh, you. Oh, you. Oh, you. Oh, you. Oh, you, you, you. It's, you. It's, you. It's, you. It's, you. It's, th. It's, th. It's, th. It's, th. It's, th. It's, th. It's, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're the th. th. about you coming on this podcast Ellis? No I don't I don't think so. She I listen to it and it's quite funny hearing her talk about me when I'm not in the room because for a kickoff she does an absolutely terrible

impression of a Welsh accent and she wants ten years to practice it. The thing she mentioned which I had forgotten about I listened to her one of these quite recently, was I was initially shielding, right? So I wasn't allowed out the house at all. So I used to sit on the window, on the window sill, to try and get like vitamin D like a cat. And I used to think this was a good aspect of my personality, but I have now reviewed this and I don't think that it is anymore anymore thi thi thi thi thi the thi thi thi the thi thi thi thi thi thi the thi. thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, to to to to to to to to thi, to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to th. th. th. th. their, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, the the the the the thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, the, the, the. I thr-a. I'm the. theat the. theat the. toooooooooooooooooo. I have now reviewed this and I don't think that it is anymore. I would say I've got an almost superhuman ability to adopt my situation in this case complete lockdown because of coronavirus and then

find it completely impossible to imagine an alternative. So I actually wasn't that unhappy I was like oh well I'm unable to leave an alternative. So I actually wasn't that unhappy. I was like, oh well, I'm unable to leave the house. That's my life now. And did you feel jealous of other people who weren't shielding and didn't have a child waking up at half four? If I had been a character in the TV show Lost, I would be the blok who was quite happy to bed down for the night under the shattered wing of a stricken aeroplane. Oh well. This is my life now. I live under a wing. I mean the problem with that aspect of my

personality is that it means you almost never try to better your set of circumstances. So I'm always, oh well, so I wasn't particularly unhappy if I'm honest. Obviously I was worried for people who were vulnerable and that kind of stuff. And also we don't have a garden. So, but again, in that whole thing of feeling unable to imagine an alternative for my situation, Izzy every day would go, God, I wish we had a garden. And I'd say, why are you complaining about it? It's like me complaining about my height. And she'd say, well, we can't buy another house.

I'd be like, I didn't start this conversation to look at solutions, actually. I still, I don't want to talk about solutions now, now actually. So that was, if we'd had a garden, it would have been so much easier. How's, because you're obviously, I'm loath to describe you as a professional Welshman, but you're certainly getting there. Yeah. Well how does it feel bringing up your children in Southeast London? It's weird in the sense that I spoke Welsh at home, I didn't speak English to my parents.

I can speak English, this isn't a struggle. But I went to a Welsh school and I spoke Welsh from my sisters and my mom and dad and my grandparents. So it is slightly weird. I do find it weird, like when I go into my daughter's primary school, all the stuff on the walls about leaves and frost, it always causes me to do a double take. Doesn't have enough hales in it. I'm not.

Yeah. That would look like I could read it. Hang on. It's too easy here. The fact that it's not in Welsh always causes me to go, oh. And that is that is a thing I found weirdest. What about their accents? Well, I mean, I don't know if Fizzy mentioned this, but my our childminder is from Pecker and is in her is in her 50s, right? So she sounds like Rob. Which means my daughter sounds like Rob. And that is, that is endlessly entertaining to me. Is there a certain phrase or word that just gets you every time?

What her childminder does is the childminder doesn't talk down to them, so it just talks to the children like she would to an adult. But it meant that because Betty started speaking very early on, so she was quite slow at walking, she was very, very verbal. So so so so so so she, so she, so she, so she, so she, so she, so she, so she, so she would she, so she would she would she would she would she would she would she would she would she would she would she would she would s so she would s she would s she would s she would s she would s she would speak, so she would speak, so she would speak, so she would speak, so she would speak, so she would speak, so she would speak, she would speak, she would she would speak, she would speak, she would speak, she would speak, she would speak, she would speak, she would speak, she would speak, she would, she would, she would, she would, she would, she would, she would, she would, she would, she would, she would, she would, she would, she would, she would, she would she, she, she, she, she, she would she, she would she would she would she would she would she would she, she would she would she would speak, she would speak, she would speak, she would speak was very very verbal so she would speak like a little adult like a little cock me adult and she she said come pick her up and she'd she drop her pens or something or pencils you go I'm at a right nightmare I remember I remember looking at the snow and going that is magical look at

she's a bit older now she'll say things like, Speaking of which? He turned around to me and said, Yeah, yeah. I think that's, I don't know if that's the South East Underthing, but I always got spoken to like an adult, even as a kid. They're just, you are treated like an adult. Like the way, yeah.

It's not, you're not really babed. I don't know if that's a London thing or a class thing or what that is, but I always spoken to you like that. It's very funny because she's always spoken like an adult. It does, it does, it does, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, takes, takes, takes, th. It's, th. It's, that, that, you, you, th. It's, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, th. It's, th. It's, th. It's, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that's, that, that's, that's not funny to hear a little kid say I I I said she's never had a fizzy drink right so we're gonna go on holiday quite soon I said do you want them do you want a can of like lemonade or Coca-Cola or something on your holiday she went oh I think the responsible thing will beat the stick to work well juice steady? Sounds like a recovering alcoholic. She sounds like a character has been written by John Sullivan.

Go on, go on, son, have a little beer. You've not drunk and you. No, Daddy. Does she, um, does she speak Welsh? Like, do you talk that in the house? I speak Welsh to her and she understands it all, and she tends to speak English back. I occasionally hear her speak Welsh to her and she understands it all and she tends to speak English back. I occasionally hear her speak Welsh to my to her brother, which is very very cute. And if she spends time with her cousins, because they're living in Card if they go to Welsh school,

you get a bit more out of her. And when she was very little, it was it was 50-50 and what I found hilarious was the child minder then had to learn some Welsh which was which was great so she'd say things like um oh she was crossing row today like dull their house hold my hand and she was like she would not tell my thou she would not do that and Mars is out right so she was to shout when she was in a buggy when she wanted to come out she she said oh Bill she wanted to to the to the the the the to to to to to the to to to to to to to to to to to to to the to to to to the the to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the the the to to to to to to which which which which which which which which which which which which which which which which which which which which which which which to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to to to to the to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the w. the wo. the wo. She was the. She was the. She was the. She was the. She was the. She was the. She was the. She was the. She was to shout when she was in a buggy when she wanted to come out. She said, oh Bill, she wanted to in the park, she'd be shouting, Mars! And it was just funny because obviously, she didn't speak any Welsh before. Does she understand that she is easier than her brother, do you think?

Yes, yeah. I don't know if we should have done this as much because what happens is it's quite disarming. When you have a little five-year-old who speaks like an adult, you occasionally forget that they're five, so she would come down and I'd have my head in my hands in front of the last dance and she say, oh no, what time did he get up? And I'd say, I say, God of a ten to five, you never, ever ever did this. And she got you, she said, Steph, what are you doing getting up so early for? Look at what you're doing to him, look at what you're doing to him,

look at him and look at her and I'd be like, yeah, it's fine, it's not what his fault. It's no way it's the fault. He's gone grey! Look at him, he's going grey. It's just disarming when they speak, like, they're like, and when you're busy doing something and they catch't to to the their thua, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, and th and th and th and th and th and th and to, and to look, like, like, like, and to to to to to look, and to look, and to me me and to him, and to him, and look at, and look at him, and look at him, and look, and to him, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like my eldest is like nearly five and she's like that and when you're busy doing something and they catch you off guard you will talk to them like another adult

where we got like my auntie's funeral with last week and she was right she's in a 90s so it's never nice but you know it was a more of a celebration of her life. Anyway I picked flowers up. I picked flowers up from the florist I put me in the boots. Dad. Dad. the the the the the the the the the the the the the their their their their they they they were. they were. they were they were they were they were they were they were they were they were they were they were they were. they were. they were they were they were. they were they were. I was. I was. We were. We were were. We were. We were. We were were. I was like, we were were. I was like, we were were. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, olive. And she said, oh, I went, oh, it's her funeral. She's died. And I've just dropped that. And she was like, he died? Where, where did she? Oh, God? Did she? Did she? Oh, God? Did she? Did she? Oh, God. Did she? Oh, I said, a dead fly on the floor, she said, that fly's not moving, is it dead? I'm like, oh yeah, that fly's dead. She went, oh yeah, now I'm like, yeah, stuff dies, you know, it gets older, and it dies, and then as I got to, she went, oh, she's dead, like,

like the flies die, and I was like, It's quite weird because sometimes they can be so grown up and especially in situations when they need to be grown up and well behaved for something like that I can imagine saying you just need to be really grown up and well behaved and then them doing it and then the second they get hungry they go crazy or they get really upset at something really really small so it's quite an interesting age in that respect. And it shocks you back oh yeah you are just a little child yeah when they get stressed about something else but so going forward Alice with with Steph do you think the sleeping thing now now do you think you're on easy

street now what times are getting up now he got up at about quarter past six this morning oh which I can come fine. I mean, I was never expecting another Betty where he was working up, for him to wake up at 8 o'clock. But I expect she's a one-off in that regard. He did do two days on the trot of waking up at 7, and then the next morning it was up to 5 o'clock, which is actually fine. You've got a bed at 11 o'clock that's seven hours that's not too bad. So both of mine get up around half five sixish somewhere between there right unless they're really tight and we're

a bit later and but I went for a stage when they were both at one point both getting up at like four o'clock in the morning and then once they slept through for some reason to like half seven seven the too th and th and th and th and th and th and to th and to to to to th and to to th and to th and th and to th and th and th and th and th and th and th and th so th so th so th so th so th so th so thi the the thi to to to to to th so th so th so th so the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th so th so the th so th so th so th so th so th so the the the the the the the the the to to to to to to to to to to to toooooooo' to to to to the somea. it's no out of character than to sleep that lot, I think it's awful had happened. Yeah, the first time we woke up, it was 714. Oh, and at 7.13, I was outside his door thinking, I need, I mean, I need to go in and check that. This is mad. And the trot, I then started going very quickly reverted to my old ways of going to bed after midnight and then the first morning you woke up at 545 was. And as Izzy, when was the last time Izzy did a morning? Have you still got the agreement?

Well what she does, I started a sports podcast with two other comedians but their parents? Well one's a journalist, one's a comedian. So we were doing those on Sunday nights and she would do the, once her back was better, she would do the morning on a Monday because it was quite a long record and it was going, it was going on very good. Full of Chang. Not a Chang beer, is that your drinking night? She, she thinks it's chang. It's not. It's because I got given a Chang bottle opener as a leaving gift when I left Radio X. So I think for some reason Izino thinks I'm obsessed with Chang beer, and I probably haven't had one for five years. I don't know, why she thinks I'm drinking it.

I've got to say, after four years service in which you were kind of you know the star names on the radio station that feels like quite an underwhelming it was it was a joke it was because they didn't like you and angry that you left no what happened was we got other stuff but what happened was we were doing it's called a sort of a read where you read out an advert yeah and it was a competition and it was sponsored by Chang Beer and it was a holiday of a lifetime to Pouquet and I'd been told how to pronounce Pouquet and I'd said, yeah, yeah, yeah, but I'd been on my phone and they kept saying, are you going to pronounce that properly? I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, of course. So in the track ended and I said, well, we've got some great news sponsored by Changbia. We've got a holiday of a lifetime for you all the way to fuck it, right?

And our producer was an absolutely ballistic. I had no idea what I'd done wrong. So I was being told off and then John said, I don't know why you're telling telling telling telling telling telling telling telling telling telling telling tellingrying to say, was that here at Radio X, we love a night out on the Chang, at which point, Chang obviously being another word for cocaine, an emergency sterephonic's track was played, we got told up. We've got told off. I've never been told off before. That section of that, they never went on told, told, told, told, their, told, told, their, told, told, told, told, told, told, told, told on the podcast, they never went on the listener again,

it got wiped completely. So I got given a chung bottle opener as a parting gift. So, so you're, because you're, right, I was going to say primarily famous, but you know, you work heavily with John Robbins, who is not got a child. Do you find, you were probably amongst my friends the first person to have a child? Yeah. How do, like within the comedians of our generation, how did that feel when you were the first person to have a child? Do you know what? I would say the first year, I tried to do it all. So I try to go out on the piss and drink as much as I had done before and yet still wake up, look after children with a hangover and just pretend that I didn't have a hangover and I still try to work and I did a tour or something crazy. I can't even, I think

I must have done it. Yeah, 2015 I did a tour and I just drove myself and Izzy into the ground because Izzy was working as well and then after about a year I thought this is madness. Why are you you tho. Why are you this this this this is thi thi thi thi thi thi thi. This is thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I th. I th. I thi. I thi. I th. I thi. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I try. I try. I try. I'm try. I'm tooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. I try. I try. I this? And I think it's because I was of our mates, because you and I are roughly the same age, and we speak a lot, and I was the first, and I think, because this is a couple years older than I am, and she was one of the last of her friends, I would say, it's not that I wasn't ready, but I hadn't realized how much of a change it would be and I think emotionally I found

the second child, Steph, far easier to cope with because I didn't have to, I didn't have to get used to being a dad, I was already a dad, and I just had been a child to look after. Your life had already been ruined. It's changed. So it's just another body, isn't it really? So even though he was demonstrably harder to look after, because, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, they. they. they. they. they. they. they they they. they. they thi, thi, thi, thi, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, I I I I, their, I I, I is is is their, their, I is their, their, their, their, their, their, thi. thi. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. thi. thi. rably harder to look after, because, sorry, that sounds bad. I hope he doesn't listen to this when he's older, but I mean, he was premature. Yeah, well, he'll have plenty of time to if he's still waking up at 5 a.m.

Hopefully, he'll be listening to it when he's got a child of his head in his hands watching a documentary about Lebron James. You were premature and obviously his sleep wasn't something where you were used to and you can't really get used to that and we haven't expected it either. And it's so destructive when you wake up every couple of hours, you just can't get used to it. That even though that aspect was harder, I didn't really have to emotionally change my mindset because I was already a parent. So I think I got a lot of the feelings that you're told you're to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get going going going going going going going going going going going going going going going going going going going going going going going going going going going going to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to emotionally change my mindset because I was already a parent. So I think I got a

lot of the feelings that you're told you're going to get with your first child with my second because I think my first one I was just shocked. There's an amazing picture of me holding Betty and she's about an hour old and I look absolutely terrified. Did you have an immediate bond and love and connection with her? You don't have to have to you can be honest as well if you want Ellis. Yeah but what I well there are two things what I got was I remember she was born in October and is he got very hot or she felt very hot in the labor so the window of the room was open and I remember a doctor coming in and saying oh you need to close this window because it's cold in here you haven haven't realized, and also you need to put a vest on the baby. She was like minutes old at this stage. So they're so fragile, or that you think they're so fragile, you hold them like

they're a hand grenade with a pin loose. And I was trying to put a vest on her, and I couldn't do it, right? I didn't put I their their their their their their their their th. I didn't put a th. I didn't put a th. I didn't put a th. I didn't put th. I didn't put th. I didn't put th. I didn't put a th. I didn't put a th. I didn't put a th. I didn't put a th. I'm th. I was so th. I they're so they're so they're so they're so they're so they're so they're so th. I's th. I'm so th. I'm so th. I'm so th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm so. I'm so. I'm so. I'm somea. I'm somea. I'm so m. I'm so m. I'm so m. I'm so m. I'm so. I'm so. I'm so. I'm so. I'm so. I'm so'd never held a newborn like that. I remember the midwife going, oh God give her here, I'll do it. I remember thinking, shit, I can't even put a vest on her. What else can I do? Yeah. Oh Christ, how can I cut with a teenage years? I can't put a vest on her. What, oh God. What did she start smoking weed and asks me about... Oh God! So what, how long did it take you to get your confidence up? A while, but the thing that really chilled me out was I did a gig with a comedian a few months before she was born, and he said,

I didn't bond with my son for about a year. So if you don't you you you you you you th you th you th you th you don't to to to th to to th thoen th tho and he said, I didn't bond with my son for about a year. So if you don't bond with her or him, because we didn't know, don't worry, because it'll come. And no one had ever, ever said that to me before. That hadn't even occurred to me, because I think I'd always expected that the Hollywood, oh my god, I'm a friend. You gave me, I remember texting you, I just went, I just looked before this on my phone for it I couldn't find your reply I went all the way back on the way back I found a photo of you

with you'd sent me which was Steph asleep in a sleepy head yeah on March the 15th 2019 which is what 15 months ago yes she's a couple months old then yeah and the caption is all in exclamation marks, in capitals, got my life back. Oh yeah, yeah. Didn't quite turn out to be the case. Because, yeah. 16 months later and you managed to do it. We really did think the sleepy head was going to be a breakthrough that didn't actually come in the end. With Betty, did you, because you're such a great sleeper, did you give out sort of overconfident cocky advice to people? And then with the second one, you used that actually we had no idea. Shamefully, I think I probably did actually. Looking back, and if I could watch like video footage of myself, that advice, thi. And, that, that, that, thi, that, that, that, that, thi, that, thi, that, thi, thi, that, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, and thi, thi, and thi, because, because, thi, thi, thi, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, to to thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, to to to to be to be to to to to be to, toa, toa, toa, toa, toa, toa, to bea, because, because, because, because, because of myself giving that advice in 2014, 2015, I would not be able to recognize that person.

You know, sometimes, especially if you've had a drink and you're having a conversation with someone, you might say something, and within 10 seconds you think, who is that guy? Why did I say that? And you think, you think, I went mad 10 seconds ago. I didn't even think those things. What the fuck was that? I don't know if you can get this wrong when you guys do stuff on tele where sometimes you have like a moment of low confidence or you're not sure about something like that and then if something flicks on a view on the tel and you think, where's that broke gone? Look at him! How have I got, oh I could do them there? What is it? I need him? I didn't drink very much in lockdown. A lot of my mates drank a lot in lockdown.

But you can be hungover and you can be tired, and they're both at the same time is intolerable. I'm a the same th. th. th. thiiiii both the same the same the same the same the same the same the same the same the same the same the same the same the same the same thaeatheable. thiable. thiolomea thioliable thiolioliol-but, thi. thi. thioli. thi. thi. thi. I can't thi. I can't thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I can can thi. I can't to to to do to do to do to do toeeee is toeateateateateateateateateatea. I can't toeateateateatea. I can't theatea. I the. So what that means now is that when I do go for a drink, once I've had more than three pints, I'm a complete div. And it's really embarrassing. And I don't think I was like that when I was drinking regularly, because I think I just get so excited, I say stuff I don't mean. I've learned the best way is go for an afternoon drink in a beer garden and then drink from like midday stop about four or five and then the next day you're okay and you have your hangover when you're asleep. Yeah that's a true. That's a fun little evening you're a bit merry, a bit of a bit of dinner then go to sleep after 11 and then you're all right for the next day. See any more I found that I thi. I found I found that it it it that it that it their their that it their thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. their thi. thi. th. their th. their th. their hang their hang th. their hang their hang their hang their hang their hang their their their hang their their their their their their their their th is their th is th is thi. their thi. their their thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. theeeeeeeeea. theea. theea. thea. thea. theea. I thea. the thea. I the thi tired now as well. So if I go for, if I have an afternoon drink, I'm just shattered around trying to give them their tea. It really does. Rob life of its fun.

The other thing I find absolutely amazing is, my mum, my mum worked and she had three children rather than two and a house was always spotless. Yeah. When I go to people's houses and they've got kids and they don't have cleaners, my mom never had a cleaner. It's like watching a magic train. I will never understand how that is achievable. Our house within about three weeks of lockdown. It was like Pete Dockertie and Carl Barrett's house at the height of the Liberty. The Albion rooms? Syringes everywhere. Couple syringes everywhere.

When we had our daughter, she must have been out a year, six months or whatever, and you came around to visit with Betty and Izzy couldn't believe we just didn't have much stuff, like kid stuff everywhere. And I was like, yeah, well, obviously we're just like, we're really like minimalist with our kid stuff. And it's because a six-month-old doesn't need need stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff kid stuff everywhere and I was like yeah well obviously we're just like we're really like minimalist with our kid stuff and it's because a six month old doesn't need stuff no and now it is absolute fucking carnage in the kid's corner there is a corner of stuff that is just building up and building up and there is no need for any of it. Yeah. It only gets worse and worse.

It just gets worse and worse. PENs without lids and you can't thrown away. Yeah, yeah. And to be slightly very depressing about it from a climate change point of view, it's all disposable crap, like poor quality toys that are made a plastic that get played with once.

And you just think, if this is my house, if this is this is this is this is this is the thi thi repeated thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi, thi, thiole thiole gets thi, thiole gets thiole gets thi, it's thi, it's thi, the gets gets gets gets gets gets gets gets gets gets gets gets the, the, the, the, the, the the the thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi a plastic that get played with once. I just think, if this is my house, if this has been repeated all over the world, God, we're in big trouble. Now, shit. What a bleak ending that is. Yeah. El, it's been an absolute pleasure to speak to you. Well, thank you for having me. You're a hero to task over email to say that actually she thought that you had the easier side of the deal how fucking hell

what was she docturnal how out of interest what does she should have forward this email to me yeah let's just I'm happy with this even let's it was it was just saying that the cooking meals and cleaning the kitchen is actually a lot more work than we had given easy credit. Fuck off. I didn't even go down to shop she ordered it from bed. I mean yeah obviously you know Ellis you know Ellis did a lot because Izzy had a bad back but you know come on credit with credit.

I genuinely a genuine question I's at points at 5 a.m. because I know you're a very unresentful person. What levels of resentment were the height you operated at during lockdown towards the situation? Very low. I, that was his new life. Yeah, it was just my new life and that was it. I found it impossible to imagine an alternative. I mean, what this has meant is that for years I had bad relationships, which I did nothing about, bad friendships, oh well, he's my friend, there's nothing else to do about it. Yeah, but you and John get on now, don't you? But Ellis, you're a hero in our eyes. Yeah, thanks so much, Al. Lovely to speak to you.

It's been my pleasure. That was Ellis James. I'm not gonna lie, Rob has, well, we thought we'd recorded this end bit after the interview, but we hadn't done it. This is last night, the night before the episode was Pat and Rob has got a gig of all things. Absolutely unacceptable excuse in the current climate. So this is just me. I thank you to Ellis.

Normally me and Rob would react to the episode, but it was all there, wasn't he? What a guy. Thank you all for listening. It's been an absolute pleasure. We'll be back on Friday with just, you know, more general updates on our terrible lives. If to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the the the the their, tho and their, tho, thi, thi, thi, thi, the the the thi, thi, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the, the, the, the, the, the, the............ thean..... thean............................ get in touch, this is how. Email us hello at lockdownparentin.co.uk or tweet us at lockdown parentin and you can also send us stuff PO Box 767448 London London E99DW. Thank you very much for listening. We will see you later. Bye.