Parenting Hell with Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe - S01 EP50: What's your favourite animal tongue?

Episode Date: October 16, 2020

ROB BECKETT & JOSH WIDDICOMBE'S 'LOCKDOWN PARENTING HELL' - S01 EP50: What's your favourite animal tongue? More misadventures in parenting from Josh and Rob.Enjoy. Rate and Review. Thanks. xxx If you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @lockdownparent INSTAGRAM: @lockdown_parentingA 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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and member terms apply hello I'm Josh Whitakam welcome to lock down welcome to lockdown the show in which Rob and I to be a parent during lockdown which I would say can be a little tricky. So in an effort to make some kind of sense of the current situation. And to make me feel better about my increasingly terrible parenting skills. Each episode will be chatting to a famous parent about how well they're coping. Or hopefully not. And we will be hearing from you the listener with your tales of lockdown parenting woe. Because let's be honest, none of us know what we're doing. Hello and welcome to lockdown parents in hell with... There we go.

Say, Rob Beckett. Say Josh Whittleton. There we go. That's Chevonne and the boys. And I think that was Frankie, the three-year-old that's not sleeping at night. Oh, Frankie, mate. Frankie's sort of a bit of a cheeky, cheeky name in it a Frankie. Do you know what I mean? Frankies are all a little bit, a little bit naughty. I think I think the name pre, you're more naughty than a Peter. Do you remember that

the the fame academy that was like the bad boy and he dressed like the strokes. Frankie Kokoza? Oh no yeah that's something that was a tha. th. the the same. guy that did Fame Academy that was also a bad boy, that I think dated Fern Cotton at one point. Frankie Kocosa, did he get thrown out of X Factor for doing drugs? I think so, yeah, allegedly. Allegedly. I mean, almost definitely, he definitely was, but we have to lawyer up. Take down Beckett and Widdickham. Come with Kocos, we're ready for you. Let's settle this over a beer and a bag of gear. I think maybe they should try calling him Francis and see if that helps to sleep. Yes, Francis. Francis will go to sleep and

then see whether that's the problem. Bedtime Francis down the park, Frankie. Exactly. What are those? Josh? Are they're? th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. the. the. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. theeeeee. thee. the. the. the. the. the. That's good. And what are those? Josh, are there noises? Where are you? I should deal with this. I'm not sure if I'd discussed before, but the, my office Wi-Fi is not good enough to record a podcast. I mean, what is the point of that office, if you can't record this podcast in it? Rename it, rename the room. I don't know if you're aware of this. Rob, I'm th. I don't th. I don't th. I don't th. I don't th. I don't th. I don't th. I don't th. I don't th. I don't the th. I don't th. I don't the the th. I don't the th. I don't the th. I'm not th. I'm not the th. I'm not th. I'm not th. I'm the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm not thi. I'm not to toe. I'm not toe. I'm not toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. I'm not thrown. I'm not thrown. I'm not the. I'm not sure how across my output you are but about six months ago I voiced a Sky Broadband advert about how you could get internet in every room of your house with Sky Broadband and now I'm a fucking victim of my own sales. Yeah but your office is at an extension right at the top of the house isn't it? Yeah it's high up yeah but I don't live in the fucking gurking like...

no but you're in like a toware- a second the second the second the second the second the second the second the second the second the second the second the second the second the second the second the second the second the second the second the second live in the fucking gurkin like... No but you're in like a big townhouse thing, isn't you? Yeah but it's only on the second floor. Like I don't mean only but I mean in terms of broadband. How many floors are they? Let's not go into that. Right. You're little half a gurkin, little mini pickle. All I'm saying is having that lift installed was the best money I've ever spent.

So what room are you in now? I mean the kitchen, can you hear the following sounds? Can you hear hoovering coming from the room above? No. Can you hear the, oh that's good. Can you hear the dishwasher, bubbling away? Yes. It sounds like football boots in a washer machine. The loudest thing to wash that is, isn't it?

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, it's draining. It's draining. It's draining. That was actually my stomach. I haven't eaten yet today. Oh, fair enough.

No, no, it is draining. So I did say that we should start recording. We might as well say because I said it humanizes us and I'm not going to lie it's backfired massively Rob hasn't it? No I does humanize it. Could you not? Surely you could repurpose one of your spare room as the office and the office is a spare room because I assume they're on the same floor? Oh no, I mean where's the router? Where's the router? Just behind the TV at the front window. I mean I don't want to give too much way to b the to the the to give the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the of. of. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the trua.oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. the the the the the the the the the the give too much way to burglars, mate. The worst place for a router that is. Wait, where are you keeping your jewelry? In the pillowcase, terrible night's sleep, it's safe. You need your router in the house on the top of the house. Mine's in the loft.

You've got your rooter in the loft. I've got a roo booster on the second floor. You'd be flying. If you knew how much money I've spent on boosters in the last three years. What? What? What? What? If boosters were tax deductible, I wouldn't have given anything to H.Martee in the last three years? Do you know the amount of people have you tried a booster? Like, like I'm going to go, what? What? Like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, what, like, what, to. What, to. What, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to. I? I? I'm to. I'm, the the the the the the to, to, to, to, to. I. I. I. I, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to. to. to. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. thus. thoosa. thooosa. thoooosa. thease. the thooooosa. th. Boosters, th. Boosters, th. Boosters, th. Boosters, idea. It's like talking to him about Hancock about Track and Trace. Have you tried Excel or Pages? Have you tried pages? It's the Apple there. So we thought we do, because we often do emails and we thank you for all the emails. They're all so brilliant.

But we also get loads of comments on our Instagram, don't we Rob? Yeah, and DMs, you've slid into our DM so we can do a little Instagram special of correspondence. Can I ask a question? I don't want to appear like an old man. Am I not? Josh, come on. It's your vibe, isn't it? That's your thing.

I'm leaning into it, I'll be honest, did it? So you know, on Instagram. I get my photos up th. I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, th. I, th. I, th. I, th. I, th. I, on saying it sounds so old. You know on Instagram? I don't get my photos up there. I know. Can anyone send you a DM? I-E? Have I got 250,000 followers, all of which have never wanted to DM me? Or somehow the DM's blocked. Not that I won the DMs, but do you know what I mean? You can limit it so people can can't reply to your stories. Yeah. I don't know what I said, but I think anyone, so I can message Boris Johnson now. Could you go to that Boris Johnson's page and just message, you can just.

And would it, would he's not, he, obviously he's not running his Instagram account, but were I to say I'm going to message. Yeah, I've just messaged him. I just message him, hey, hon. Well, we'll see if he gets back to you. Imagine if he does. Not too bad, busy week. Hope you will. So if someone, so if you can just DM anyone on Instagram. Yeah. But basically, it all comes through,

and I think basically you could DM to accept it or not accept it, because you have requests the requests the requests the requests the requests the requests the requests the requests the requests you have requests you have requests you have requests you have requests you have requests you have requests the requests you have requests the requests you have requests the requests you have requests the requests accept it because you have requests and stuff. Right. But it's very difficult to manage, but we've managed to get it all down on a on paper. So we've got everyone's DMs and you're going to run us through some? Yeah, I've got loads of really good ones here. Well, apologies if some of these are going back a few weeks with different things, because we've got it all at once, but I've got a great story story the IVF sperm sort of deposit situation. How old are these DMs going to be?

Is there going to be stuff like two weeks into lockdown? I'm quite hopeful it's going to be over soon guys. There's one here. Guys, can you change your name? I think lockdown's pretty much over mid-August. There's there. There we go. Fleming has said, hi, just catch up with a podcast. I apologize if it's a little late. Don't worry, this perfect for us. We've only just got round to him.

Anyway, I've just listened to the IVF wank stories. What kind of podcast are we making, Josh? The IVF, the IVF, the thanks. Anyway, I thought we let, I they? I didn't know that was a part of IVF. I thought it was more than man. Oh, my husband. My husband and I have been trying for a second baby for two years with no luck, so you were referred for tests. Obviously, one of these required my husband to jizz in a cup.

Obviously, one of these required to j a fresh sample. You have cours, you can't bring like two weeks. I've got one from two weeks ago actually if you want it. If you, I've got a sock from 1997. Does that still work? Anyway, yeah, so that has to be a fresh sample. Anyway, as we lived 20 minutes away, it was clear it was going to have to do it just before we left the house. So he did it at home home home home home home home home home home home home home home home home home home home home home home home home home home home home home home home home home home home home home home home home home home take in. He went upstairs to do the deed whilst I was downstairs with our daughter, apparently nerves set in and what was meant to be a quick job that only took a few minutes was taking slightly longer. Anyway, long story short, my husband completed the task. Long story,

short, my husband completed the task at the exact same second as his mum, who was coming to babysit, turned up and shouted, Hello! loudly through the house............. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. And, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and what was th. And, and what was th. And, and what was th. And, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, what was, th. And, was was took, took, took, was took. took, took, what was took, took, took, what was took, took, what was took, what was took, what was took, what was took, what was took, took, took, took, took, took, task at the exact same second as his mum who was coming to babysit turned up and shouted, Hello! Loudly through the house. So what was already a stressful journey to the hospital with his sample was tainted by my husband who couldn't speak because he was so traumatised at the fact that he had come to the sound of his mom's voice. Hello! that he had come to the sound of his mom's voice. Hello? Hello? Hello? Oops.

Hello? There it is. Oh my word. Imagine that at that moment your mom saying hello. I don't think you can use that because that child, you're going to bring up a child that's got trauma built into them in their DNA. Oh yeah, imagine that. Would it have an effects that early on the DNA? The child would have like weird sex things where they'd have to hear their mom saying hello. That would be what it would be. Oh god, and again. In 18 years a child would go, why have I forgot this weird thing? And they go, we need to tell to the their their their their their their weird their weird their weird their weird their weird their weird their weird their weird their weird their weird their weird thi thi thi thi thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, like weird thi, like weird thi, like weird thi, like weird thi, like weird thi, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like thi, like thi, like thi, like thi, like thi, their thi, their their thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, their, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, they go, oh, we need to tell you about how you can see. Well, yeah, listen to episode 38 of lockdown parents in hell.

Which I think shouldn't be called that anymore, even though we're on the 17th lockdown. It's 2034, we still can't leave her house. When you're going to change your name, um, that is, that's awful. That's awful. Right, I've got another one here from Tarrague 84 is the Insta name. Hi Rummer Josh, you all right guys? Yeah, I'm all right. Yes, thank you. You're good Josh? Cool.

Oh, actually. Well, I don't know whether he actually meant it as a question. I was just, I was thinking this or if you think writing. I'm working from home. All right, what? Since lockdown? Well, as in, I've been working, I mean, if you count this or if you count writing, I've been working from home, but like going into the studio and doing a double-record. Like a proper day with people and stuff, yeah, yeah. Yeah, and actually, you know, I'm sure you're aware of this, Rob, I'm not one of those people that's desperate to, that needs an audience all the time. I.. I. I. I. I. I. I. th. th. to, I. to to say. to say, I. to say, I. to say, I. to say, I. to to, I. to to to to, I to to to to to to to to to to to to to the to to to to to to to to to to to to to their, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, I. to to to to to to to to to to to to the the the to the to the to to to the to to to to to to to to their, to to to their, to their, their, like, like, like, So you did, you started working properly and I think it really changes, I didn't realize if I'm honest with you, how much of my kind of,

even though I'm not one of those people that is like, I need the audience man. How much of your kind of self-worth and belief in yourself is tied into actually working and doing that work, if you know what I mean. Massively, yeah, like, and not even you you the th you thi thi thi thi, and not even thi, and not even thi, and not even thi, and not even thi, and not even thi, and not even thi, and not even thi, you thi, you thi, you're thi, you're thi, you're thi, you're thi, you're thi, you thi, you thi, you thi, you thi, you thi, you thi, you thi, you thi, you th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I thi, you thi, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, thi, thi. thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thin, to, thin, to thin, to to thin, to togee an toge an toge, toge, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin doing that work if you know what I mean. Massively yeah like and it not even just because we like performers in comedy but like just going somewhere whether you're like like bus drive or you're working in an office or your sales person just going to go in the try to. Just going somewhere to be good to be good to be good does it? Whatever it is you do is not about not even about the audience just sort of going I did that I I that that that that that that th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I thi. I did thi. I did thi. I did thi. I did thi. I did thi. I did thi. I did thi. I did thi. I did thi. I did thi. I th. th. th. thi. thi. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the thi. to to to to to thi. to thi. to to to to the is just just just. try. try. try. try. try. try. try. try. try. try. try. and I think there's part of you know working from home where even though you even if you're doing a similar job or the same job you don't get that feeling that you get.

You get no praise. No one goes, well done on that or that was a good thing you did. Yeah, exactly and you get no interaction and actually I think that's like something I didn't realize I'd missed and I think I was feeling quite a bit down because I wasn't working. Yeah, well someone said that up. You sounded a little bit down on one of the podcast episodes, but it's like that thing where you go to a meeting and with someone like a business partner or whoever it is and then you leave the meeting and you go, oh that was it?that okay? Do you mean? You lose that connection with people? We do those last leg from home when during the lockdown so I was in my loft I mean don't talk to me about the internet implications of that

what boost did they use? They ran genuinely ran a lead up from the from the bottom of the house to the top of that house so you'd you.. you. you. you. you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you the the you'd th. th you'd th you'd to to to to to to to to to to to th th to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to that th. that that that that that that that that that that that that that that th. I that th. I th. I th the the the the the the the the the the the the thooo the the tho too too to me to me to me to me to me to me the house to the top of the house. So you'd finish the show at 11 p.m. in your loft and you've had this huge adrenaline rush of doing this TV show. And then you just walk downstairs and you're just like, it was like two minutes past 11 and you just go downstairs and not having that kind of interaction with people you actually work with outside of doing work with them. I think it's really like, I know people are talking about a lot about, you know, they're lots more working from home and I know all the positives.

I do think seeing people is really good. Yeah, it's fun, isn't it? People are really underrated as a thing. And I think that's the thing as well. That's what I felt like, not a lot like guilty or sort of like, when that lose a teacher and she's sort of like had a career break to have the kids and then like be here for the kids when they're younger before they all properly go to school. And it's like, you lose that if you lose that if bosses and the clients and people that you engage you interact and get a sense of achievement each Dan. Obviously it is rewarding having kids but there's no, you've got no boss or no colleague that's either going, oh well done there or I'll do. There's no community. You're all on your sort of like you're basically turned into a sole

trader that has no customers apart from one child that can't speak. And they have to their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their. And they have to be there. It's not like they're going to take their business elsewhere. You know what I think? There's no appraisal or system. You're looking at it and going, am I doing this all right? I must have my messing them up in the future.

So, you know, and that's what's really important about, like, like, people do that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, they they they they they they. Anyway, it answers to your question, Tarrick, yeah, we're all right. Back to school signals a fresh start for students. New classmates, new teachers, new lessons. Change is in the air. But one thing hasn't changed. The forward government still isn't investing in public schools. Six years of cuts mean our students aren't getting the supports they need. They can't wait another year. If the forward government won't change, it's time to change the government. Our kids are counting on us.

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tox dot. Anyway, hi, Robert Josh. You're all right guys. We've covered that. On closest- Actually, I've got a few more thoughts on, this is a message about the, what should we call the, the Macy Gray syndrome. Anyway, I have four kids, 16-year-old Brandon, Bella who is eight, and twin-four-year-old girls, Evie and Erica, not that close.

Sure, the closeness is for the grandmother. Right, so listen to this. My brother had twin boys, Vincent and Isaac on the 20th, 2017. My girls were born July the 10th, 2017. And my brother had his daughter, Amelia, on the 24th of August, 2017. Only one, no twins this time. So our mother got five grandkids in the space of two months going from three to eight grandkids in this time. It is a nightmare to book in babysitting times due to the demand. Oh my God. That is brutal. How do you, how as a grandparent, could you possibly spread yourself across those kids enough so that everyone felt like they was getting enough of you? You're thinking I've retired here? Yeah. That's hard to work than being at work.

No, I'm child care for two sets, is it two sets of twins and a solo? Is that what you call them? solo? Yeah. And yeah, so basically it is what, the grand, as a, as a, as a, as a, as a, as a, as a, as a, as a, as a, as a their their their their their their their their th. How, how, how, how, how, how as a grand, how as a grand, how as a grand, how as a grand, how as a grand parent, how as a grand parent, how as a grand parent, how as a grand parent, how as a grand parent, how as a grand parent, how as a grand parent, how thian parent, how thian parent, how, how th. How, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, th. How, th. How, th. How, th. How, th. How, th. How, th. How, th. How, th. How, th. How, th. How, th. How, th. How is a grand, th. How is a grand, th. How is a grand, as a grand, as a grand, as a grand, as a grand, as a grand, as a grand, as a grand, as a grand, as a grand, as a grand, as a grand, as a grand, thi. How is a grand, two sets, is it two sets of twins? Two sets of twins and a solo, is that what you call them, a solo artist? Yeah, and yeah, so basically, as well, and they've already had three, because let's be honest, the novel is worn off by the third, in it, grandkids. Yeah, I don't know if you've got anythe. Yeah, but yeah so I, that's a oh that is not. I mean, I think it must be hard to unload a pair of twins babysitting wise anyway. Yes, yeah, it's a tough ask to say. I think when you have having two kids to someone to look after him a lot. I think... Is that tough? Well I'd speak to rumish about this. He's got three, and he find it difficult to like get someone to have the kids overnight and stuff because it's like

to give someone three children. Obviously his mom that would be three on one. that's too intense. Exactly. That is tough. So yeah, because we always found it hard because we weren't that close to our grandparents to like find people to have us so yeah so what what do you do do you look you and Lou find it difficult to offload no we are really the wrong word re home re-li-lubberate yeah restructure restructure we very, very lucky because both of our parents, both still live and also really hands-on and love the kids, and they're all retired. So we've got about 10 minutes away, and my parents are about an hour away. So what we do is if we sort of split it. So if we did want to go away somewhere, we can drop them off at

lose parents and then my parents will come up and take them and then have them at hours. So we're really lucky. And also, the gym crash that they used to go to, they're so lovely in there, the ladies that work in there that they do babysitting as well. And you know, sort of know that crash so yeah, it's quite a good setup so we're quite lucky We actually haven't seen your kids in two months have you? Yeah, no, I don't even know what they look like anymore I couldn't spot me in a park. Is that one mine? It's blonde and annoying. Yeah, the teeth are big. Yeah, so yeah, we're quite lucky about that. What about you with babysitting and stuff? Yeah, it's so. that. what? Um, yeah, so it's, it's totally fine and also- It feels like it's not. No, it is, well, my parents live in heaven, so they can't do it.

And then, uh, Rose's mom will come and help out and she's really, she's more popular with my daughter than I am, which is slightly annoying. Oh, you know, you you you you you you you you you th got you tho you tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi tho tho tho tho thi thi, you're thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, tho, tho, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi. It thi. It thi. It's thi, it's thi, it's thi, it's thi, it's thi, it's thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, toooooooooooooooooo. It's toooo. It's to. It's you know you've got you got a part with these things. It's a bitter pill to swallow is it for child care that they start to love the nun and grown dad more than you. It's so unjust. Yeah anyway but what's good is because her nursery they let the people at the nursery babysit. Oh perfect as as long as you don't poach them. It's like like the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the their. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. People. People. Oh. Oh. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People..... People............................................................................................................... the.... the. the........................... don't poach them. That's like a full-time nanny? Yeah, there's like... Oh my god, it's like when Arsenal signs Salt Campbell. Imagine poaching. You'd have to leave the nursery, wouldn't you?

Yeah, but I tell you what, if you're going to ask someone who works at the nursery, if you were planning on poaching, you're going all in, because if they say no and then report you, your name is going to be absolute mind. Oh, imagine that there must be some stories of people that have tried to poach and been either like successful or rejected that it's a... I think if you try and poach and they say no, you then need to go into the nursery, and before they've said anything, you need to make a it a tit for that. You've just got to go all in and ruin their career, Rob.

That's the only way you can deal with it. So if you did poach, could, would your child be banned from that nursery? Or would they be allowed to drop them off? But like when Fee go played at Barcelona, would they check like mobile phones and pig heads out? I think if you poach the po po po po po po po po po po po po po po po po po po po po po po po po po po po po po po po po po po po po po po po po po po po po po po po po po po po po po po poach, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, would, would, would, would, would, would, would, would, would, would, would, would, would, would, would, would, would, would, would, would, would, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. th. tho. th. I need to read the floor-come. Imagine sitting there, it's such a middle class thing, just sitting there with like a Malbeck on a Thursday night going, I think we should, I think we should poach Sapphire. She's just wonderful with Evanie. So what you do is you meet the, you meet the nursery worker in like a dark car park at night. Yeah, suitcase the thi's th for the 50s and you say, look mate, I can make it worth your while.

Do you want to look after one child rather than 15? Yeah, with a pay rise, yeah. I should say, just full disclosure, there's been no poaching from my side. I'd like to, well I would love to and it seems like a great job, but there is a Chinese family have come in with the Chinese Premier League money. So I'm going to China. Playing all the parents off against each other, getting your fees up. That's the thing, as soon as China come involved, they just pay, like, when it was all the Chinese money, NBA, the Chinese money. Surely they'll be, I'd love to get signed up by a Chinese podcast company. That'd be great, wouldn't it? Just an absolute fortune. Anyway, that's the poaching situation at my nursery.

Right, I've got another one from Billy Jade. She says, listening to your podcast on names that parents have given their kids. My whole first name is Billy Jade. To make matters, my mom once said she wanted a tattoo. And I came up with quite inlessly to your your your your your your your your your your your your your your your your your your your to to their their their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. So, their. So, their. So, their. So, so, so. So, so. So, so. So, so. So, so. So, so. So, so. So, so. So, so. So, so. So, so. So, so. So, so. So, their. So, their. So, their. So, their. So, their. So, their. So, their. So, their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the., my mom once said she wanted a tattoo and I came up with quite innocently eight years old to have my initials at the bottom of her back. Oh no, oh no. It's fair and understandable to say she never went through with having BJ tattooed above her ass. I thought she's, I thought she'd gone through with it unknowingly. Well actually, yeah, well what's even more difficult is Billy Jade surname is actually question mark. Right you want another one? Yeah. Okay so this one if you do read this out please keep it anonymous. I love these ones. Just listening to your podcast who asked if any parents had regretted their baby names. Well I personally don't have kids

I'm 42 and blissfully sand's crotch fruit. What crotch fruit? Is that like a... Is that balls? Sands crotch fruit does sound like balls, didn't it? I'm 42 and blissfully sans crotch fruit. I mean he's had a secta-mea? I listen to your podcast to reconfirm my choices. Yeah he must have had a secta me. He might have just had a castrate t. Totally castrated. Like absolute action man smooth bump. Yeah, he's sans crotch fruit. Fair enough. Well anyway. Do write in if you're also sand's crotch fruit. What a way. What a way? I do Google that phrase. Okay you get an urban dictionary. Anyway so. It doesn't come up. So quick. That was such a stiff neck bit of speed that was. Research the point, finish joke. Boom. Straight in and out That was such so quick, such a stiff neck bit of speed that was. Research the point, finish joke, boom, straight in and out of Wikipedia.

Right, here we go. Anyway, a friend of mine gave her child now a young teen, the middle name, ISIS. Oh no. Oh no. Oh yes. I haven't spoken to them about it, but surely that's a regret. Oh, I imagine that. Lovely to meet you. I'm Rob the the the the the the th. I th. I th. I tha. I tha. I tha. I'm Robed. I'm Robed. I'm Robed. I'm Robed. I'm Rob tha. I'm Rob thi. I'm Rob. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I spoken to them about it, but surely that's a regret. Oh, Jesus. Imagine that. Lovely to meet you. I'm Rob Taliban Beckett. But have they gone away now?

I think you've got away now. They have them over there. I don't know if just the news is going. They've broken up. They've gone solo. Isis. It's still going apparently. Oh, there's an Egyptian the thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii solo. ISIS. It's still going, apparently. Oh, there's an Egyptian goddess called ISIS. Right. You wouldn't call your child like Cuba missile crisis.

That would still be a problem now, wouldn't it? Like... The Great Depression. That's what I was going through last week. Stephen, the Miner Strike Smith. Yeah, you can't, you can't, you can't, yeah. I mean it's still, it still, it still, it still, it still, it still, it still, it still, it still, it still, it still, it still, it still, it still, it still, it still, it still, it still, it still, it still, it still, it still, it still still still, it still still, it's still, it's still, it's still, it's still, it's still, it's still, it's still, it's still th. It's still, it's still, it's still, it's still, it's still, it's still, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, tha, to tha, to to to to to tha, tha, tha, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, to to to to to to to to to to too, too, too, too, too, too, too, tooes. It's still going going too, you can't, you can't, yeah. I mean, it's stopped, but it still resonates with the meaning, doesn't it? I think ISIS, people always know what ISIS is. Yeah, I think forever that word will have associations.

Oh, there's literally a, there's a guardian article called, what's it like to be called ISIS? People ask, where's your machine gun? Oh, it's the Egyptian god, a fertility. I mean, middle name's fine, because it's a bit of an enemy. If it was the actual name, I would just, on a hunch, just not call your daughter Isis for a bit. Yeah, just don't use your middle name. Yeah, well, until 2014, it was a relatively popular name, particularly in the US where it ranked in the today, the today............. today, today, today, today, today, toeeaa, toea, toe, th. th. thatrownk, thate, thate, their, that, their, their, the, their, their, their, their, their, their, if, if, if, if it's, if it's, if it's, if it's, if it's, if it's, if it's, if it's, if it's, if it's, if it's, their, their, their, their, their........ It's, the the the the their, their, their, the. their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their girls of 15 years. One year later it dropped off the list completely. But then you know there are new new terms coming in doesn't like Corona the beer the beer.

The beer Corona now Corona is just coronavirus isn't it like but I still think that was around long enough to know of the beer and no one's confusing the two are they? I mean I'm sure they're not confusing I says no one's like oh hello my name is ISIS. th th I th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th I th th is ISIS th is ISIS. I thi thi thi thi thi is ISIS. I thi is thi is thi is thi is thi is thi. I thi. I thi. No one th. No one's not the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th is th is th is th is th is thi. I thi. I'm thi. I'm thi is thi is thi. I thi is thi. I thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi! Quick! I'm going to bring trouble. She's here! So I don't think there's confusion. I don't mean that's a problem, is there? No, I don't think there's at any point when people are making it. I don't think anyone's ever done a citizen's arrest. I've got them. No, don't worry about that. the terrorist organizations seems to be run by a six th wo wo wo wo wo wo wo wo wo wo wo wo wo wo wo wo wo wo six six six six six six six six six by a six six six by a six six by a six six by a six six six six by a th by a th by a th by a th by a thi, no thi, no thi, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, thi, thi thi thi thi, thi thi, there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, th i th in th in th in th in th in th in th in th in th in th in th in thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi lady. It's strange that, you know, that this terrorist organization seems to be run by a six-month pole who lives in Swindon. It's always the ones you least expect, they're all. It's always the ones you least expect. If you have learned anything from Homeland, don't trust anyone.

I've got another message here. Yeah, I've got from Kerry. Anyway, hello, hope you're both well. Listen to your most recent podcast, I'm to share. I'm a midwife. So we were asking about people and how, obviously, people having children closely together and about how soon after sex. I think it was a robust vagina chat that we had, Josh.

The sort of some would say ill judge. Someone say a conversation, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, the conversation, some, some, some, some, some, to say, to say, to say, so to say, to say, so to say, so to say, so to say, so to say, so to say, so to say, to say, so to say, so to say, so to say, so to say, so to say, so to say, so to say, to say, to say, to say, to say, to say, to say, to say, to say, to say, to say, to say, to say, to say, to say, to say, to say, to say, to say, to say, to say, to say, to say, to say, to say, to say, to me. to me. to me. to me. too. too. too. too. too. too. too. too. to to me to to to me. to me.'d say progressive progressive there's a couple of white guys talking about vaginas do you know me? That's what I mean 2020 in a nutshell that is 2020 in a son's crotch fruit nut shell anyway so she can confirm Kerry the midwife can confirm hi I have absolutely walked in on people about three different couples middeed to the their their the their the their vagina the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the j. their vagina their vagina their vagina. their vagina. Do. Do. Do. Do. the the the the the the the the the the the the the their. the the their. their. the their. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the midwife can confirm hi I have absolutely walked in on people about three different couples Middeed following the birth of their babies going on with the world This is still in the hospital this is she's not gone around their house a week later. This is I'm going to say fucking insane Who are these people? Who are these people? Right so? There we go so? Does she mean on three separate occasions? So? Is it one? the the thi? I? I? I? I? I? I? I? I the the the the the the the the the the thi? I thi? I thi? thi? thi? thi? thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi? thi thi? thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi th people? Who are these people? Right, so, here we go, so. Does she mean on three separate occasions?

Or was it one big kind of orgy? Yeah, it won't like a sex party. Though three different couples, she, this is Kerry, right, if there's any other midwives, I want two things from this, I'll finish. Any other midwives that have seen this happen, right? Only one of the hospital staff that have seen this happen. And also, and you will not be judged, we'll keep it anonymous. If you have had sex at the hospital, after you've given birth, please get in contact and let us know how, why and when. I will not judge you, I just want to understand. Is that fair? I'm not against this. I'm not against this. Everyone's got different things going on on and you're not doing anything

really illegal or wrong. It's just some people wouldn't choose to do that. But I just want to understand how and why, whether it was pre-planned, spur of the moment, it was a contractual obligation, what's happened here? One of my question is it the act of the birth that is the foreplay? I mean I don't know I don't know if that or it's been so long that they haven't they just really want to or that they think it'll be funny or if it's like a bit naughty and the thrill of it it seems like something you wouldn't do it well it sounds like the long you go on with this speech you're actually getting quite into the idea. Okay, right. Hands up, after losing go birth, I had a wank in the toilet. All right?

And I've just been for years trying to, you know, make sense of this, and finds other people that find it sexy too, okay? The worst thing about that was your mom came to visit the newborn baby, said hello. Did it sounds visiting hours yet? No, I did I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I did I I I did I I did I the the the the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thathe a thathe a thateateateat. thateatheatheatheatheatheatheatheatheatheatheatheatheatheatheatheatheatheatheatheatheathe. I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was just, I was just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I've that. And, I've th. And, I've just, I've just, I've just, I've just, I've just, I've just, I've just, I've just, I've just, I've just, I've No, I did not have a wink at the toilet, but anyway, this is Kerry said, so the three people, three couples, she found, two of the couples were in the hours that they left the labour ward, okay? So this could have been the next day or two days later, so, but they're being kept in? Yeah, yeah, because. They're in the eye of the storm, should we say. Yeah, but one couple was sick.

So they were the people just before they left the walled, right? And the other was about six hours post-birth. Geez Louise. And when I went in to see if she needed any painkillers, suffice to say, she didn't. Kerry said, I can't answer why people do it. I can't think of many things less sexy than birth, but there we are. So, you know, please, if you have or if you know of anyone that has, we'll keep it anonymous. We just want to understand the motivation behind it.

You know, and just, yeah. So please get in contact. It's a strange phenomenon that I would never have guessed happened. And do you know what? I presumed that first discussion of it was based on a lie. But now obviously it turns out it is true. It is a thing where I would carry lie. Three separate occasions she's, oh my god. Imagine getting caught having sex by a nurse. Oh my god. They're probably best what they want these kinky

baffes. Again no judgment, no judgment, no judgment, please get in contact. You get in contact particularly with Rob. Yes. It really needs to resolve some issues. We need to get this worked out. I've got two slightly more fun, less sexy ones we can finish on Josh. Yeah. First of all, the cow tongue revelation. People are absolutely going mad for it. This is just one of many messages, hey, went to the file with my two-year-old, she enjoyed the cow's tongue.

Thank you for the tip. The pick doesn't do it just. And I would like to say, if you have to to to to to say, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to to, to, to, to to to to to to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, the, the, the, the, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th.. tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, to to to to to to to too, too, too, toooooooooooooo, are to to to toongue live in the flesh whilst feeding it, you've got, it's just you've got to. Kids love it and I can't believe there's children out there they've never seen a cow's tongue. You've got to stay alive. It's like CERC de CLA on YouTube. You've got to be in the room. Same with a cow's tongue. So yeah, get yourself down to a local farm and see a cow's tongue. That was one of the most local radio things I've ever heard in my life. We've got Sandra here from Teddington and she's popped down to a farm to see a cow's tongue. Lovely day, autumn. Right, here's the stranglers. What's your favorite animal tongue? Do you text or email in. Banner aside, giraffes are quality, but that's more of a niche cow tongue.

Do you know, not niche cow tongue, just a niche animal tongue. Get different view as well, don't you because you're so far below it. You get to see the underside of the tongue but you know so going to too much detail about this. Rob I implore you to check the WhatsApp group because our producer Michael's just saying an astonishing message. I once saw a draft giving itself a blowjob on survival. Wow of course the neck. You don't need a rib maroove do you? When you got a neck like that oh my God. I mean is this a low point? I've just the uh. I've just the neck! You don't need a rib maroved, do you? When you've got a neck like that?

Oh my God! I mean, is this a low point? I've just typed in giraffe tongue-blow job. I'm going for it. Please don't. I don't want this to be used as evidence when you're defending yourself in court role. It's just gone to women and men now. Oh, someone's done anime of a giraffe sucking them off. Okay, right, let's get back to the messages. I've got a lot of apologizing. Oh my God, I'm going to have to clear history after that. That is awful. I think there's a, oh God, right, there's a lot going on there. Yes. Do you think youtoo human heavy for me this. Right, anyway, let's do this one and we'll finish up. Right, here we go. Hello, I have a small story about my son Thomas.

Tomos, maybe T-O-M-O-S. Thomas, I think I'll go for. Anyway, many years ago, when it was time to get rid of his dummy before he before he started my wife had the idea of telling him that the bin monster had taken it away. The bin monster is the bin lorry. Fast forward a few months, my wife was in toward my son. And while they were waiting for the bus, my son casually walked up to a binman and kicked him in the legs and said, you stole my dummy. th, th, th, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you she, you she, you she, you sheed, you th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th, the the th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thee thin, the thin, the thin monster, the the the the thin, the, the, the, the, the, My wife was mortified. Kind regards Gerald or Gerrard. That is absolutely brilliant. Excellent stuff. I mean, yeah. We've done that with dummies where the dummy fairy takes it away.

So you put them all in a box at the front door and then in the next day they're gone, but they've left a little, the dummy ferries left a little present. What was it? Drafts time? giraffe's tongue. It was a 15 dummies actually. It sort of didn't really work. It's not really really shot. Really shot ourselves in the foot with that one actually. Yeah it was a dummy and a nappy to put back on. I'm aggressive. Well I'll tell you what, we've got loads more Instagram stuff. We maybe do another Instagram special next week. We can catch up with all the correspondence so feel free to send us a DM. Yeah, I'm not sure whether you're able to get on the Instagram because your internet is going to be limited from now on for legal reasons. Yeah, I mean I've got, you know, Michael's got a photo of the giraffe BJA.

I've got a photo. Send it. Oh, can we put out an Instagram? Unless there's a nipple, isn't it, that's all right, that's a they. And they. And they. And I. And I. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. they. they. they. they. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh, I. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, I's. Yeah. Oh, oh, to. to. to. Oh, to. Oh, to. Oh, to. Oh, to. Oh, to. Oh, to. Oh, to. Oh, to. Oh, to. Oh, to. Oh, to. Oh, to. Oh, to. Oh, to. Oh, the. Oh, the. Oh, the. Oh, the. Oh, the. Oh, the. Oh, the. Oh, the. Oh, to. Oh, to. Oh, to. Oh, to. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, to. Yeah, to. Yeah, to. Yeah, to. Yeah, to. Yeah, to. Yeah, to. Yeah, to. Yeah, to. Yeah. Oh, to. Oh, to't it? Yeah. We'll find out. I mean we may or may not pop a photograph of a giraffe sucking itself off and I just say we'll let you know when it goes out, keep posted because it may be taken down immediately and this may not be on on podcast. Yeah, you're going to need to you're going to need to screen grow it pretty swiftly. But if you've got, you know, if you want to get in contact, have you got any stories or funny things to mention or any, you know, photographs of animals, tongunges and blow jobs, let us know. This is how you can get in touch. Email us, hello at lockdown parenting.co. or twee us at lockdown parents or Instagram lockdown parenting. And you can also send us stuff stuff, PO Box 76748, London E99DW.

It was an absolute pleasure today, Rob. I hope that your, you know, your eyes recover. I do, I do look forward to finding out more on the, uh, the sex in hospitals and animal tongues separately. Please, let us know if you've had sex straight after birth. It'll be got no judgment. we the the th, we th, we to, we to, we to, we th, we to, we, we th, th, th, th. We th. No, th. th. th. thin, thin, thin, thin, to thin, thin, to to to thin, thin, thin, to to to to to to thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, th London, th London, th London, London, th London, th London, th London, th London, th London, th London, th London, th London, th. Loa, to to to to to to thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, to thin, to to to to-lucing to-l. to-lucing, to-l. Lo-lundin, to-lundin, to-lundin, thinues separately. Let us know if you've had sex straight after birth it'll be got no judgment, we'll keep you anonymous and we just want to understand and not judge. I would say the amount Rob saying no judgment does imply he is judging. No, Bill. Is anyone also, anyone knows if they can get with me a VPN blocker for my search

history with you at handy. Thank you very much. We'll see you on Tuesday. Bye!