Parenting Hell with Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe - S01 EP53: Mark Watson

Episode Date: October 27, 2020

ROB BECKETT & JOSH WIDDICOMBE'S 'LOCKDOWN PARENTING HELL' - S01 EP53: Mark WatsonJoining us in the studio this episode to discuss the highs and lows of parenting (and life) during the lockdown and beyond is the brilliant comedian and writer, Mark Watson. Mark's new book 'Contacts'' is available to pre-order now and is released on the 29th October 2020. Enjoy. Rate and Review. Thanks. xxx If you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @lockdownparent INSTAGRAM: @lockdown_parentingA 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Back to school signals a fresh start for students. New classmates, new teachers, new lessons. Change is in the air. But one thing hasn't changed. The forward government still isn't investing in public schools. Six years of cuts mean our students aren't getting the supports they need. They can't wait another year. If the forward government won't change, it's time to change the government.

Our kids are counting on us. Join us at building better schools.c.c.A. A message from the Elementary Teachers Federation of Ontario. I'm going back to university for zero dollar delivery fee. Up to 5% off orders and 5% Uber cash back on rides. Not whatever you think University is for. Get Uber won for students. With deals this good, everyone wants to be a student. Join for just $4.99 a month. A to to to to to to to the to to to their to their th.00.00.00.00.00.00.00.00.00.00.00.00.00.00.00.00.00.00.00. th. th. th. th. th. thi. to thi. thi. thi. thi. to thi. to th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. It th. It th. It th. It th. It th. It th. It th. It th. It's. It th.0. It's. It's.0.0.0.0.0.0. It's. It's. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's to. It's to. It's to. It's to. It's to. It's to. It's to. I's to. It's thi. I's thi. I's thi. It's th. It's th. With deals this good, everyone wants to be a student. Join for just $4.99 a month. Savings May 3, eligibility and member terms apply. Hello, I'm Josh Riddickham. And I'm Rob Beckett. Welcome to Lockdown Parenting Hell. The show in which Rob and I discuss what it's like to be a parent during lockdown, which I would say can be a little tricky.

So, in an effort to make some kind of sense of the current situation, and to make me feel better about my increasingly terrible parenting skills, each episode will be chatting to a famous parent about how well they're coping. Or hopefully not. And we will be hearing from you the listener with your tales of lockdown parenting woe because let's be honest none of us know what we're doing. Hello and you are listening to lockdown parenting hell with can you say Josh Widdickham? And Rob Beckett. Rob Beckett. Oh, that was Finley Turner, two and a half living in Aldenie.

Channel Islands! Bloody Ow! Wow! God, I didn't know they could speak. Good on you, Finley. Popular across the pond. Where is the Channel Islands? Where is the South Coast? It's like Guernsey's from.

Where Matt Letizier's from. It's where Matt Leticiay is from, exactly. Graham Lattice, Matt Lattice, stop. That's it. Oh my god, this place is so small. It must just be Finley in there. I just googled it and can't, he can't live there. Go on, give me some fact to that, Alderty, Alden, Alden, Alder, that, that, that, that, that live there. Go on, give me some facts about Ordinary, Rob. Ordnay, right. It is so little, mate. It's even got Wikipedia. Oh yeah, it has.

Here we go. Elevation, zero. Is this top Trump that you're reading out? Part of Guernsey. It is three miles long and a mile and a half wide. God, you can fall off that. That's so small. That's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's the they. It's th. It's th. th. th. th. th. that. that. that. that. tho. tho. th. that. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. tha. tha. tha. tha. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho.'s like Paddy McGuinness's back garden. I don't know how the biggest joke I've ever heard in my life. I don't know, who's got a bigger ass of that? Rod Stewart, it's probably as big as Rod Stewart's garden. Yeah, I mean if you can ever go at me for making kind of dated references to go for Rod Stewart is quite a...

It's, what's your population? Population, 2,000 people. Blamey, that is small. That is small, isn't it? So that's Finley Turner there, and that was sent in by his brother, mom, and dad. Wow. All the same person. That is amazing to think that that is 0.25% of the whole of Aldenie have their,

have sent in their. Oh, he, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, that's, that's that's that's that's that's that's, thin, that's that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, th. That's, th. That's, th. That's, to to to to to to thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, that's that's that's thin, that's that's thin, that's thin, that's that's that's thin, that's thin, it. Thank you very much Vinnie Turner. Yeah, thank you. Thanks Benjamin Turner, send it in. It looks beautiful, if small, but I imagine you're allowed to like jump on a boat to the other islands, going to the mainland for a big night out. Yeah, tough though, isn Is it? It feels like it should be French but I don't want to get bogged down in some sort of old war. No, no, no, no, let's not get involved in that mate. Like that time we got an email from the Falkland Islands and you gave your views on that. Oh yeah, oh did not end well. Josh, I'm not firing on full cylinders. I am so tired. The clock clock th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. tho thi, I's thi, I'm thi. to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to th. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no th. No, no th. No, no th. No, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi. thi. thi. the theeeeeeeeeeeeeee. thoooooooooooooo. the. theeee. tho. tho. tho. th so tired. The clocks going back is an absolute disgrace and I think if I was involved the government, the only thing I care about is whenever the farmers wanted anything I go you can have whatever you want as long as you don't fuck about the

clocks. Is it the farmers? They're always blaming the farmers. Obviously I understand that you know farming is a very important thing. It can't just be for the farmers can it? Get a touch the the touch the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the their their their their their their their their their their their their their the farmers. their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their. It's their. It's their. It's their. It's their. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's their their their their their their their their their th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's the only only only only the the the the only only only the the the the the the the the th. thing. It can't just be the farmers, can it? Get a torch! It's only one of the jobs! I know, but all these poor kids go to school coming home from school, if they do like, you know, they get like, kids leaving school after and after school club walking home in the dark. Sure it's more dangerous and giving cows some food, early doors, isn't it? You can't just I mean it can't just be the farmers you can't go oh why are the clocks going forward other solicitors want it like it's not a way it works probably. I said the farm also why do you need to feed cows surely just grass does it than it what more do they need well they

need milking do they but can you do that in the door surely no one's the the midday job in it. They do get up early, don't they, farmers? But I don't know. I think if you want to start a movement, right? I reckon, Ross Kemp is well on board with this. He put it in room one-o-. It was almost like... No, I don't think he's ever done anything for jokey reasons. I'm behind enemy lines.

Right laugh, isn't it? But he is very anti-here and it's just, it ruins your kid's routine. That's the worst. And then we got it wrong and we were like, oh, we have to keep him up later, but no, that was the opposite of what we were supposed to do. To try and help adjust it, I think if you, I don't know, I don't know what we've done, but no one's sleeping. It's so complicated. You shouldn't be, but the amount I have to think, to understand, and I'm not bad at maths, but the amount I have to think to understand which direction the clocks have gone in and what that means to my day. And so I was up at 10 past 5 on Sunday.

But was that, it should have been 10 past 6 shouldn't it? Yes, but there's a long day to get for, you're back to 5 a.m. starts because of farmers. All that hard work. I've got a friend who doesn't have kids, Rob. Oh God, get rid. And at midday he said, I was texting about something, he said, I didn't even realize the clocks had gone back. I was like, you, you, are you effing kidding me? He didn't realize. He didn't realize.

Oh my God. Such a big deal in parents' life. That now as a parent, clocks moving is a bigger deal than New Year's Eve. Yeah. That is a more important and more planning goes into clocks going back and forwards than a New Year. I don't go out of New York. Why is it always going in the wrong direction? I've never done which one I meant to enjoy.

I'm not sure which I'm meant to enjoy. When I was working at a supermarket, whenever the clocks change, I'd always go in, whatever direction they're going............. I go. I go. I go. I go. I'd th. I'd the clock. I'd th. I'd the clock. I'd th. I'd th. I'd tho. I'd tho. I'd thoing. I'd thoing. I'd thoing. That's thoing. I'm thoes. That's thoing. That's thoes. That's thoes. That's thoes. That's go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out. I'll their. I'll their. I'll their. I'll their. I'll th. I'll their. I'll they. I'll they. I'll tho. I'll the. I'll the. I'm the. I'm theanann't theannenenenenenenenenenenenenec. I'm they. I'm not, why. I don't gon't gon't go out. I don't go go out. I'm not go the clocks change, I'd always go in an hour late, whatever direction they're winning. Of course. And then be like, oh, sorry I didn't know. Even, anyway, but surely one should come in an hour early, just by chow. But yeah, you'd think, you'd think, couldn't you?

But yeah, you might have to carry me a bit here, It's not just to get their waking up loads in the night. I don't have their houses too hot or too cold. The pipes are making a noise the other night. That's a new noise that's really loud. Ghost watch, that's a 90s reference you're not gonna enjoy. But they woke up five times, the girls woke up five times. Malcolm, because she's got a fingernail coming off. And we Gavin, they off and Gavin is that oh my god I can't even speak Josh Gavin we're trying to get Gavin out a nappies during the night a lot of people who've done panel shows with you've been dreaming

of this moment oh my god I'm just coming up I can't cope just sit back and let her not take over she wants to no nappy in night oh my god what was that one has said and she wants to to to to sit to sit to just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the to the to to to to to to to the to the to to the the the the to to to to the to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the the to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th th th th tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho to to tho to to to to to to to to to tho tho tho to to tho to to takeover. She wants to know nappy in night. Oh my God, what was that? That one has said. She wants no nappy in night. Yeah, she wants to go to bed about a napy on, right? So we said if you have a dry nappie for like seven days in a row you can do that. We're on day five, but what she keeps doing is instead of weeing or going to to the toilet coming in and going, my nappie, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my to to to to to, my n, my n, my n, my n, my n, my n, my n, my n to to, my n to, my nappy, my nappy, my nappy, my nappy, my nappy, to, to, to, to to to to to, to to to to go, to go, to go, to go, to go, to go, to go, to go, to go, to go, to go, to go, to go, to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the the the the the the the the the the the the to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the nappy, the to the night? Yeah. And then and then is waking up because needs a wee but won't, now she just thinks she's not allowed to wee in the night and I'm not not allowed to but just go to the toilet. So she's coming in with that we've got fingernails and the worst part of all is Lou always wakes up before is she gets the up with me for not waking up first. And then in the morning there's like a row about who's the most tired and I'm like, yeah, okay, you did action the fingernail and the dry nappy situation.

However, I was still woken up five times I woke up in the night. I was still woken up. If you didn't have kids and you went and you went and went, oh, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, okay, I, okay, I, okay, I, okay, okay, I, okay, okay, okay, okay, I, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, I, okay, I, okay, I, I, I, okay, I, okay, I, I, I, I, okay, I, okay, I, I, okay, I, I, I, I, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, okay, the, okay, okay, okay, okay I had a tell me night, I got five times I woke up the night, people go, oh God, you must be knackered. That does, that, that conversation doesn't exist when you've got kids. You just function on it. And now I'm, I'm being like revered in this house of the man that got all the sleep. Oh, old sleepy head over there, got the sleep out your eyes. I mean five hours sleep, go cut five times. Well I'm glad you're having a good time. Now, yes mate. If you want to get in touch, this is how.

Email us, hello at lockdown parenting. At lockdown parents or Instagram lockdown. Parantin. And you can also send the stuff. PO Box 76748, London E99DW. What does Possible sound like for your business? It's having to spend to power your scale with no preset spending limit. Redefine possible with Business Platinum. That's the powerful backing of American Express.

Terms and Conditions apply. Visit Amex. toxin' platyme. Okay, now Rob, who have we got on today? Today we have got Mark Watson, Joshua. Very very, very. Starts with an anecdote that shows him in a bad light. Yeah, I think he comes out of it superbly.

Yeah, I do feel like you put him under a little bit of pressure here to kick off the interview. One, we mess up the start and then you just remind him of a bad parenting to really put our guest at ease. It's my new thing, Rob, I'm actually getting some money from social services to really check if these people deserve to be parents. Oh right, just a double checking. Yeah. Oh good, good on you, Josh. Am I getting any of that money or is that just you? No, but you are getting a knock at your door in around three or four hours. So we can't go and sort that out. I'll go and sort of that out. All right. I'll go out. I'll go and so that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's all their. their. th. th. their. their. All their. All their. I's their their their their their their their their their their their their. All their. All. All. All. All. All. I's. I's. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the th. the th. th. th. th. Sorry Rob. That was a lack of understanding. It's very difficult to judge who's going to do the intro when you're both not looking at anything. No, exactly. I was waiting for you and you's waiting for me, but we ruined it in a bit.

I would have done the intro, no. I just don't really. Would you like to do the intro, Mark? Yeah, I'd love to guess as a host here. It's not really my place to do the intro normally, but you guys always have to do it. So why not just take the weight off a bit? Exactly. Do you want to introduce yourself? Yeah, that'd be great. Yeah. Yeah. Well, this is the... Now hang on the minute. What's called? Lockdown Parenting Hell podcast. Yeah. Welcome to the lockdown parenting hell podcast. Normally with Rob the toocket and Josh are th. th. th. th. the the th. th. th. th. th. the th. thage. thage. thi. thi. the, the. the. tho. to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to introduce to introduce to introduce to introduce to introduce to introduce to introduce to introduce to introduce to introduce to introduce to introduce to introduce to introduce too. to introduce too. too. too. the the the the the the the the toooooooo-s the tooooo-y too-y too-y too-y too-y to introduce yourself. to introduce yourself. Watson and I am also the host as it stands. Not clear if Rob or Josh are even going to do it or if it will be a 40-minute monologue actually. We'll find out. Thanks coming on Mark really appreciate it. I've I before we go on Mark and we will get into the stuff I need to start with an anecdote about your parenting. Oh dear I mean this all much you know what this is going to be? I don't but I the the the the th. I the th. I the th. th. th. the th. th. th. th. the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to be to be to be to be to be to be to be. to be to be. to be. to be. to be. to be. to be. to be. I'm. to be. to be. I'm. to. I'm. to. the the th. th. the the thi. the the. the. the the. the the. the. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. I. I dear, I mean, this almost... Do you know what this is going to be? I don't, but I don't like the sound of it because if you look across the spectrum of

anecdotes about my parenting, very few of them go well for me. Well, I'd say add it to the list. So I'm quite hungover and I, Plymouth Argylla playing away at Bristol Rovers. Yes, we meet on a train train train train train train train train train train train train train train train, train, train, train, train, the thae, the tha, tha, tha, th. I'm, thoom' thoomorrow, the the the tho, tho, tho, the th, I'm, I'm, I'm th, th, th, the th, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the their, I their, I their, I their, their, their, tho, thoomoomoomorrow, thooomorrow, today, today, today, today, that, that. Well, we don't quite meet on a train, Mark. I get off the train at Bristol Temple Meads. And I'm walking across along the platform, and out of the train falls an empty pram. Crash it onto the platform. To be fair, we meet on a train that is giving me more credit now than the anecdote is starting to have in to have to have the to have to have the the th the anecdote is starting to have in store for me.

And then I think I should pick that up. And I pick it up and I look and you're carrying two children and a look of panic on your face. And at that point, I didn't have children. And I didn't realize how stressful that situation must have been. Yeah, I mean, first of all, the look of panic on my face is just that's sort of a given anyway. Anyone that that that that that that that that that that that that that that thi thi thi o thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thiolioli thi. thi. thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi the the the the their their their their their their their their their their their their their their thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I'll thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii. I'll thi. I'll thi. I'll thi. I thi. all, the look of panic on my face is just that's sort of a given anyway. Anyone that's ever seen me in their lives will know that. But it's true that as panic-inducing situations go, a pram falling out of a train is, it's certainly the sort of moment where you think, well, I hope no one is surprisingly here that

I know and has witnessed that. It doesn't look great that that that that that pram's come out I thought to myself but unless I know a traveling Plymouth Argyle fan we're all going to be fine. He may or may not have a podcast about parenting in four years time. That's the unluckiest thing of all we couldn't anticipate this podcast at that stage but actually I mean you've got to accept now that if anything goes wrong in front of another comedian that you know there will be a podcast that it'll always catch up with you. You're right Josh though actually I remember that incident being funnier for you than it was for me and I quite often look at people without kids as you probably now do and think not in a vindictive way but I just think in five years time you'll see things in a different more negative light. Yes yes yeah.

Before we start recording, you did say it's a good name for the podcast because parenting is hell, it's awful and really hard. I think quite a lot of it is, yeah, and obviously in normal times people put a lot of, I mean, don't get me wrong, love the kids and love having them and everything, but people do tend to put a lot of positive spin on the trials trials trials trials trials trials trials trials, trials, trials, trials, the an tha tha tha, tha, tha, tha, tha, tha, tha, than, to to to to, to, to, thi, to to to be, to be, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, th...... And, th. And, th. And, th. And, thi, thi, thi, thi, thin, thin, thin, thea, thea, thea, thea, thea, thea, thea, thea, thea, thea, today, thea, tt everything but people do tend to put a lot of positive spin on the trials of it they was like oh it's been a bit of a challenging day or you know yeah there's shit all over the walls but you know that's part of it but you know if there's been one thing that's been refreshing about the lockdown it's that most parents I know are no longer doing that sort of PR their p rp. They're they are no are no are no are no are no are no are no are no are no are no are no are no are no are no are no are no they are no they are no they are they are they are they are they are they are they are they are they are they are they are no they are they are they are they are they are no they are no they are no they are no they're they are they are they are they are they are they are they are they are they are they are they are they are they are they are they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they are th th th th th th th th thi thi th th th thi th thi th th thi th th thi th thi thi th th th podcast. It's a sort of amnesty on it. Yeah, the PR spin for years, kids have had. It's like the Trump administration just like, fake news, all that no sleep with a rubbing shit on your face,

fake news. Yeah, yeah, I think probably, you know, this last six months of, uh, found out a lot of people who were previously painting a really positive picture of person. So what's your situation, Mark? If you'd like to just tell us what your setup is? Parenting-wise. Yeah, I'm divorced, but I lived down the road from my ex, and there are two children, a 10-year-old boy and a six-year-old girl. So before, um, you never know how to refer to it these days to do the lockdown, before this bit of unpleasantness, we were, the weeks were sort of reasonably equitably split in half or not quite half actually, I had slightly less than half, but nonetheless it was basically a couple of nights a

week at mine, a couple of days a week and so on. And then of course the removal of schools really did put the cat among the pigeons. There's no denying it. It's bloody useful to have schools really. It really is. Even if they weren't learning a thing, it is ever so handy to have them parked for seven to eight hours a day. I don't think we ever appreciated it. I did a tweet to this effect basically saying, I think teachers should get a million pounds a year and that was about day three of home schooling as well. So were you doing how much of the home schooling were you doing? Were your children going between the two houses in lockdown? Basically yeah. Which is totally legal isn't it? I'm not

getting you in any trouble. I think it is although also luckily these days the government themselves don't really know what is legal. So, new rules are drawn up every 24 hours anyway. So, yeah, when they get questioned, they go, but what about children that are even households? Can they go to, you know, their parents and then the Prime Minister or British just goes, yeah? I expect so, yes. I didn't read all the way to the end of the document the document the document the document the document, the document, the document, the document, the document, the document, the document, the document, the document, the document, the document, the document, the document, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their. their. their. their. their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, the Prime Minister of British just goes, yeah, that sounds about right? I expect so, yes. I didn't read all the way to the end of the document myself, actually. I'll try and pass the question to Chris Whitty if you don't mind. He deals with most of it these days. That's a sort of a nerdy question. Let's let that

let that guy have a go on their tell. that's been fascinating to me. I don't think at the start of this year, Chris Whitty thought he'd be on tele more than someone like Romash. It's been an extraordinary year for him. But unfortunately, you know, all of us are just sitting here desperate and then that guy that doesn't even seem to want to be on tele is monopolizing it. It will do strictly in a few years. Without doubt, he must have been close to strictly this year. Yeah. The balance on valence in the char-char, hey! That's funny to think about it. A balance versus witty slam down for the strictly final.

The dance off. It would show you how different the world has become. So yeah, the kids would sort of go back and forth and we basically said, I'll try and focus on certain subjects, you try and do certain other ones. The school were very good and they produced loads of resources, you know, and also lots of friends and relatives. There was a period of optimism in about, I suppose, April, early May, where everyone was sort of pulling together and people that send you like a fun educational quiz about dogs or something. And that would do.

We also started doing the Joe Wick's as PE. For a few weeks, there was a genuine sense of the school timetable being pulled off in the house. And then by about the middle of May, it was just a case of Google a picture of Christopher Columbus, look at him for an hour, that would do. That's history. And you mean the director of Harry Potter as well, not even the guy that discovered America.

No, that's right. Film studies. But as May and June went on, there was more of an emphasis on things like thinne. I would have expected you'd normally get on curriculum. iPad observation lessons and stuff like that. Yeah, there was quite a bit of IT. Streaming to the future, so especially you know how it works. Yeah, it went from, even the cooking, what you could grandly call home economics, in the first few weeks we taught them to like, taught the kid to make a simple pasta dish, did a little bit of baking, and then by week six again it was like find a peach, eat it. I'll do. You, I mean, I think this won't be news to you. I would see you as a kind of warrior with a W.O. R. R. I. E. R. R. I. Well, because of your West country accent I. I thought. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I the the the the the the the the the the the the the the. I the. I the. I the. I the. I the. I the. I the. I the. I the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Don't. Don't. Don't. I tot. tol. too. too. too. too. too. too. too. too. tod. th. th. I. I. I, because of your West Country accent, I thought that was a compliment in the end.

I think that it wasn't. How, do you, do you worry a lot as a parent, or is that where you find your, finally relax? Yeah, I worry about it, loads, just because the things that I tend to find, the things I tend to find, the things I tend to fret about are things which I feel I'm sort of not capable of doing well or things that are beyond my control basically and you'll know yourself when you've got kids, almost everything falls into the category of things I can't control. But I suppose I would say in this period, if anything, I don't know if I'm worrying less or everyone else has just gone mad so they've caught up with me. But I, I the bar for how the bar for how mentally weird you are meant to be is gone up anyway. So I feel like I'm yeah I'd say maybe the pandemic has raised everyone to the pitch of anxiety that I was out to start with so yeah it's a little bit like in football terms

I'm sort of just hanging in there collecting drawers and the teams around me are losing quite a bit. I'm moving up the table just by dint of the other results being in my favor. Because you know, the parameters for life are mad now anyway. Even very capable parents have gone more or less crazy. So yeah, I almost look better by. Plus I think, yeah, a lot of the th th th th th th th th th th th th th th thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, th. thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, it's thi, it's thi, it's, it's thi, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's a thi, it's, it's, it's, it's a thi, it's thi, it's thi, it's thi, it's thi almost look better by, plus I think, yeah, a lot of the things that I used to worry about were like, have I got their school uniform ready?

Are they, have I remembered to take them to this party? There's just so many, the tasks really pile up, don't they? Basically being a parent is like an endless game of Taskmaster, but with no kudos attached to it. But again, now, well, firstly now, almost everyone's been on Taskmaster. And secondly, even the best parents I know are just visibly beaten down by things. So yeah, I feel like, and also that goes for my mental state in general, I think so many things happen every day now that you can't control and don't understand anyway, I've almost become more relaxed because you sort of start shrugging, to s, to to to to to to start, to start, to start, to start, to start, to, to, to, to, first, first, first, first, first, well, first, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, many things happen every day now that you can't control and don't understand anyway. I've almost become more relaxed because you sort of start shrugging and thinking, well, let's see what happens. I've never been very good at Bingzen about things, but you have to be in get into it you know because whether I was

I find it really stressful trying to do the right thing all the time and they're little babies because they're so fragile. Yeah I think whether I was a natural dad or not sort of can be answered by that vignette of me throwing a pram on to a train trapterterterterter.. that at that at thrap. thr- thrash. thrash. thrown. I thrown. I thrown. I thrown that that thrown that that thrown that that that that that that that throw that that thrown thrown thrown to throwing I to to to to to to to to throw. I throw. I throw. I thi. I thr- thr- thr- thi thi that. I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I that that that the the the the the the the the the the to to the to thrown to to to the to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to thin. I'm thrown the the the to train track really. If you had to sum me up in one anecdote that isn't too far off. Similarly, Alex Horn has got an anecdote he sometimes tells about a time when we both had very small kids and we for some reason, but we must have just been on some sort of mental safari. We took him to, we both sides to take them swimming. A horn had a pool near, and I had to try and get my son into a swimming costume and myself. And long story short, both me and him were crying at the end. And also, I don't blame Horn for this directly, but the pool was bloody freezing, so we

only lasted about three minutes in it. There was a lot of that in the first couple of years. I found it just, I think I expected it to be pretty hard, but it was still ten times hard. I think that's the tough thing about early parenting. Everyone tells you it's going to be difficult and you sort of think, oh yeah, I'm sure it will be, but they don't focus on the right things necessarily. They, like they told you about, you're going to be tired, sleep deprived of stuff, and that is true, but that's only the beginning of your problems, really. I remember, this is, must have been, I had both the kids, and I was going somewhere very far north with them and I just remember getting it was at Preston Station I remember looking out the window and thinking I could leave the train here

and neither of them would react in time. I'm not going to it's just it's important to remember that I do have I will outsmart these two here if I do that. There have been a lot of consequences, and I'm glad they didn't do that now, disappear into the Lancashire night. I feel you would be quite a toxic guest for this podcast. Had that been a thing you'd done? I think there would have been controversy if I'd, if I was known as someone that had abandoned my kids in Lancashire........... I. I. I. I. I, I, the, the, th, th, to, th, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. to, to, to, to, to, I'm, I'm, I'd, their, thi, th. to, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, they, they, they, they, th. I'd, they, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, they. I, to, they. I, they. I, they. I'm, they. I'm, they. I'm to. I'm to be to be to be to be to be toe. toa, toa, they. I'm they. I'm they. I'm told, toe, to be they. I'm my kids in Lancashire. I'm not saying we wouldn't have booked you, but I'm certainly not sure I would have started with the train station anecdote. No, I'd come with more baggage if the main thing people knew about me

was that I'd once left my children deliberately on a train. Yeah. Also as well, to be fair, to have scone to Preston. It looked quite dark and rainy and but part of that was part of the appeal I thought well you know I could just vanish here easily. I must have friends somewhere in this city I can, or town I suppose, but yeah it was you know there were a lot of those, a lot of those moments where I thought and it's just like um I said this. I thi. the the the the the the the the the the the the th. th. th. th. thi. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. the. the. the. th. th. th. th. the. that was just the. th. th. that was that was that was that was th. that was that was th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th was just th was just th was just th. th was th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the that was that was the. that was that was that was that was that was that was that was that was that was that was that was that was the. that was the. the. the. the Twitter recently, but when the second kid came along, the girl, there was this, I think the least helpful thing you can say to a parent on the cusp of kid number two is,

once you've got one, two is fine, it's just the same. People make out that it's not twice as hard. But obviously it is because another, I said this, again I tweeted this recently people make out that if you if you've got one kid then it's easy to have two in the but to me that is like saying if you can drive a car you can drive two at the same time if you can operate a machinery then you can operate the machinery and also play chess at the same time I imagine if you have three kids it it's, you know, as hard exponentially again.

This idea that you just throw more kids into the mix and it gets, you almost don't need to worry about it, is absolutely bonkers. Well, it depends who you are. Horn, again, horn's got three young boys. And he's unbelievably good at it. You watch all three of them going, dad, dad, dad. He's just like constantly whirling around around around around around around around around around very good at it, but to be fair, well, Horn was always going to be good at it. I mean, um, horn has that's money. We interviewed him and I did feel like he was,

he had a bit too much of a handle on the situation for my taste. Oh yeah, it's, yeah, he's a very bad parent to watch in action really because he's sort of demoralizingly good. It's the equivalent of following someone really, really good on stage. You think, where am I going to go after that? I don't know if you've seen, um, have either have you seen the movie sing? Oh, yes. Yeah, you will, basically. Yeah, that's right. So there's a bit where that, there's a sort of overworked housewife pig character and it's got like 40 kids, as you'll remember, Rob. And she needs to escape to do this X-factor-type audition. So she sets up a contraption that automatically feeds and washes all 40 of the kids and talks in her voice without her absence even being detected. A little bit like a Wallace and Gromit type contraption.

Basically, Horn is the closest I've seen in real life to that pig. If there's anyone you were back to create a machine which was able to look after children for days at a time, it's probably him. Yeah. It's not who you need close to you when you're starting out in parenting, is it? No, and he he and he he and he he and he he and he he and he he and he he and he he and he he and he he and he was he and he was he and he was he he he the the the he the the the the th. And he was th. And he was th. And he was th. He was th. He was th. He was th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the the the th. the the the the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the the. t. toge. toge. to to toge. toge. toge. toge. toge. He's toge. He's toge. He's t. need close to you when you're starting out in parenting, is it? No, and he was slightly ahead of me as well. He had his first-kibbon before me. And also, I'm friends with Tim Minchin and his wife, Sarah, as well. And they again, you know, obviously Minchin is one of these people that can look after two kids, write a half of a musical, fly a plane, invent a new type of pat-a-like in a day. So, you know, perhaps unlucky that a couple of my best mates in the parenting world were, yeah, just really,

really good at it. I could have done with befriending someone that was an absolute dick earlier on, someone that was rubbish at it. I'm still in the market for friends that are bad parents by the way if anyone's listening. You've got you've written a book Mark while so you say you don't do you're also someone who's always kind of doing stuff and creating stuff and so your book contacts which is out basically three days ago or four days ago so you've been writing that while in lockdown with children. How are you doing that? Um, can I just say? Richard Curtis says I prefer Mark Watson to Leo Tolstoy both as a novelist and a stand-up comedian. So, yeah, and a quote that is. It is a nice quote. Um, it's come quite a lot too late for me to really rub it in Tolstoy's face. I, um, yeah, I think, I th, I th, I th, I th, I th, I th, I th, I th, I th, I th, I th, I th, I thi, I thi, I thi, I thi, I thi, I thi, I thi, I, I th, I th, I thi, I thi, I thi, I th, I th, th, th, th, th, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th th, th th. th. Could th. Could, th. Could, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, could, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi. could thi. Could, thi. Could, could thi, thi. Could I thi, could thi, could thi, could to really rub it in Tolstoy's face.

I um yeah I think when are you writing in the other room to your children when they're in your house I think when literary history you know when the dust settles Tolstoy will still be regarded as the greater author but let's see shall we? Who's the better father? Well, that's that's neither him or that? Actually Tolstoy had a lot of kids and he did he basically, they, let, let, let, let, let, let, let, let, let, let, let, let, let, let, let, thi thi thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, th. th. th. th is th is th. th. thi, I, I, I, I, I, I is th. I, I, I is thi, I is thi, I is thi, I is thi, I is thi, I, I, I is thi, I is thi, I, I, I is thi, I, I thi, I thi, I's, I's, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, thi, thi, thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi, I'm, I'm, I'm,'s neither him or that. Actually, Tolstoy had a lot of kids and he did, he basically made his wife keep knocking them out and he at one point you wouldn't let her have a nanny or a wet nanny. I know a bit about Tolstoy as a lot with habit from my degree. He was, um, he was one of these guys that has like about eight kids but but doesn't have much to do with them until they're big th...... th. th. th. th. th. th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I's. I's, thi. I's, to be to be to be to to to to to told. told, told, told, told, told. told. told, told, to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to thi. thi. thi. thi. to thi. to to to the. told told told, told, their. told, told, told, told told told to to to to to to to with them until they're big enough to be cute, Tolstoy. And obviously, he was mostly just writing really, really long books. It's much longer books than mine, so he was basically permanently in lockdown with someone else looking after his kids. So I think that if there's been a worse father in history, it's probably him.

But nonetheless, I did have to, I had to write in a different room for the kids, but actually, mostly I didn't get it done while the kids were in the equation. I think most people have found it's nigh impossible to have creative projects and kids. I was going to say during lockdown, actually forever. I just, I think it's impossible, like it's difficult to work in the same house as a child. It's phenomenally at the best of times. And of cuasu- I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I th I th I th I th I th I th I th th thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi. I thi. I thi. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thin thinin thin, thin. I thini thinni thii thii thi thini thi thi thi thi thi thi thi th It's phenomenally hard at the best of times, and of course famously these are the worst of times. So what I've been doing is all of the, I mean, I had done written quite a lot of the book by the time all this began, but there still was a fair bit to do, and I basically started just getting up really early,

I've never been much of an early riser, but, but of the day because... Oh wow, what from your kids? Well, not from your kids, but had you were getting up before your children? Yeah, and then, uh, or if they weren't in the house, I would still maintain those kind of getting up hours, like as if they were. So basically I've become a morning person which is not how I ever wanted... What time were you getting up? Well, the, the, the, the, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, the, to, to, the, the, the, the, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, were, were, were, were, thi... thi. thi. But, were, were, were thi. But, were thi. But, were you getting up? Well, like half six or seven or something would then give me a couple of hours. The kids are older these days of course, I was gonna say older than they used to be, but that's how it goes isn't it? It's very much how time works. They're not these days.

So it's not as if they're up with stupid hours, but basically I've I've managed to sort of adjust my body clock so there's a couple of potential working hours at the very start of the day. Because once everyone... I can't imagine that. Can you imagine that Rob? What? No? I couldn't have.

A couple of years ago I would have said if I was voluntarily getting up at 7. It could only be that my personality had been rewired. But what I didn't bank on was that there could be a major, to come back to it again, pandemic. I think it's, period of unpleasantness. There's been, to put it politely, quite a bit of unpleasantness. And I think it's, I mean, you're both know, with kids, you're at your, the time that you have to be you is like dramatically reduced. Yeah. And I don't ever want want to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to it to it to it to to to come to come to come to come to come to come to come to come to come to come to come to it to it to it to it to it to it to it to it to it to it to it to it to it to it to it the the their it their it their it their it their it the their it the their the the tho thi thi thi thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. to thi. to to thi. to to to thi. to to thi. to the the that you have to be you is like dramatically reduced. Yeah. And I don't ever want to resent them for that but obviously you do. So I feel like if I can make myself get a couple of hours in before they even are in the equation then I don't feel quite so annoyed or resentful or whatever if I'm then picking up after them. But again I'll say again it's not pleasant.

I'd much rather not regard the hours from 630 to 830s in inverted com is my time. It's just what I've had to do to survive. I continue to be of the opinion that you know these people that actually actively like mourning and they're the last best bit of the day. I've got everything done by 10 o'clock those people are still to their people are still view. Yeah, I'm doing this under duress not out of choice. Especially when you're working late most evenings you won't you know sometimes you're still on stage at 1030 a night to then get home then right that early the morning it's... I might find my body clock it's changed because of the pandemic but but it hasn't been absolutely exhausted in the morning but I find out better at night you know when you're giggling. I always preferred the night. I've always preferred to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the to to the to to to the to to the to to the the the the to the the to the the the the the the the the to the the to to the the their to to to to to to to to to to their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their. their. their. I'm their. I'm their. I'm their. I'm their. I'm their. I'm te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. to. to. to. the their. their. to. the've always preferred the night because you've got a certain amount of adrenaline still from the gig haven't you and yeah. I used to work

quite productively very late at night but then on the other hand not that many gigs these days are there? Yeah exactly. More free time in the evening. Hard to put your finger on it but the diary looks different somehow. Rob you can get your two hours before your kids get up so all you to do is what? you the the the the to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the to to to to their their to to to to their to to to to their to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their the the the the the the the the the the the the the the their the their their their their their their to do is what set your alarm for 4 a.m. And then you've got 4 till 6 to yourself. 4 till 6. Obviously sometimes they go for about R5 but you know I could always miss half an hour of my me time. Yeah that's the trouble if your kids are a certain size it is impossible to it's impossible to outmaneuvr them unless you just don't go to bed in the 10 and 6 now. So what other? Were they getting up now? The sleeping situation is a lot better now. The kids are starting to be of an age where they understand that sleep is the most blessed

thing we have in life rather than some sort of inconvenience. And the 10-year-old in particular is old enough to, he now has the common sense to wake up and just watch TV or do something rather than leap out of bed and demand to be entertained. So that bit of it does get better. I remember when they were small and that bit where they possibly nap in the afternoon and then if if that doesn't happen you more or less want to kill yourself. That period is behind me now. But the flip side is the evenings are off limits because their idea of when they should be going to sleep. Of course it's like I mean a 10-year-year th is is is is th th year year year year year year year year year year year year year year year year their their old is their old is their their old is their old is their their their th. th. th. they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're th. they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they's they's. they's. they's. they's. they's. they's. they're. they's. they're. they're. they're. they're. they're. they're. they're. they's. they're. they's. they're. they. they're. they're. they. they're. they're. they're. they're. they're. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. the to. the the the the the the the the the the they're. they're. they're. the evenings are off limits because their idea of when they should be going to sleep. Of course it's like, I mean a 10 year old is basically a teenager in terms of how much he demands to stay up. So yeah again the routines of the day just gets shifted. I think I'd take my evenings over if you offered me

to lose two hours of the evening to my daughter staying up by games two hours in the morning. I think I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I the th. I th. I th. I the th. I th. I the the th. I mean. I mean. I mean. I mean. I mean. I mean. I mean. I mean. I mean. I mean, I mean, I mean. I mean. I mean, I mean, I mean, I'm the the the the the the the the the th. I'm the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. I's. I's the. I'm theananananed. I'm thean's thean. tean. tean. tean. tean. teaneaneanean-s. teaneaneanedaned teaneaned. I's thean staying up by games two hours in the morning I think I'd prefer to lose the time in the morning still. But the evenings are... I don't have the... I can't offer you that anyway I don't control it obviously. Also with the... so obviously the kids splitting times between the two houses and stuff. Do you ever sort of the try to to sort of like you know the parenting and is it harder to sort of like, you know, agree on how it should be done when you're not, you know, there together the whole time? It's certainly not smooth. Yeah, of course kids are quite good at exploiting, again, in football terms, they will slip between the two central defenders.

They'll tell my ex that, oh yeah, we did that at dad's house and vice versa. But we have to cooperate to sort of put the pieces together because the 10-year-old in particular is a sophisticated sort of cheat now. He'll always like claim that he gets certain privileges at the other place or that he's already done his homework there or you have to be both have your mind switched on to stay ahead of it. Yeah. And it's, yeah, there has to be a lot of cooperation. And sometimes I've got better at just accepting that it's not going to always go well as well. Yeah. Because we have a lot of people email in and solicitors and stuff that are sort of separated

and have to have to split time between the two parents. It always strikes me so difficult. Even if you do have a good relationship after you've separated, it's difficult to make you know make sure they're all telling the truth of stuff but if you didn't get on that well with your ex it must be impossible if there's not that you know because some yeah some you know some you know some friends of growing up and you see that they're like to be dropped off at the end of the road type thing and then they don't actually see each other. Because you said to me Rob, didn't you, that the only reason you're staying with Lou is because it would be such a nightmare to be divorced. That was the words you use. Yeah, absolutely right. I don't. Money-wise, especially, yeah. Oh, I tell you what, it is fiddly. Yeah. I don't a hundred percent recommendthe process if you can avoid it.

And we were kind of, it was a little bit acrimonious for a while. We were never quite about leaving them at the end of the road stage, but things are sort of reasonably equitable now. And even if they weren't, yeah, you'd have to make them because your mental energy for like fighting people is almost zero when you're also fighting with the world the way it is at the moment. Yeah, I think. So in some ways all of us have learned to get better at like all of the interpersonal relationships have had to get better because otherwise you just can't you can't manage. But that takes mental energy as well and there are days when you sit

there and think well I just I think it's a case of have a glass of wine and forget about everything here. Yeah. You buy a glass I'd mean quite a large glass, potentially. And do you like, what's it like when they're not there and then they turn up? Like, so you're, because you're getting half, you're seeing them for half the week? Yeah. Does it feel like you're living kind of two different lives in a way it really does sometimes when especially because the like my partner I run sort of a production company as well from from this house so a lot of the time there is kind of there's a lot of work going on things feel orderly here everything feels you know he feels more or less like being a proper human being and then then the thi the there the the th th th th th th th. th. th. th. th. thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi you thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi you thi you thi thi thi they thi they thi thi they thi thi their thi thi their thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi kind of, there's a lot of work going on, things feel orderly here, everything feels, you know, it feels more or less like being a proper human being.

And then you're aware that within 15 minutes of the kids being the house, it will be, it will resemble a circus more than a workplace. Yeah. And, you know, what I've tried to get better at is not bracing myself too much for that. If you, if you, if even, if even, if even, the the the the the, if, the, the, if you're, the, the, the, the, they, they, they, they, th, th, th. th. th. th. thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, they. And, they. And, they. And, they. And, they. And, they. And, they. And, they. And, they. There, th. There, they. There, there is, there is, there is there is there's, there's, there's, there's, there's, thinks, there's, there's, thinks, thinks, thinks, thinks, thinks, thinks, thinks, too much for that. If you if you if even as you're picking up the kids you feel tense thinking oh Christ here we go that is not a good thing to project to them probably. So these days I try to kind of accept like mentally accept the chaos. It's like tell you what is a bit easier is being able to take them to you know cafes or to the cinema and the worst bit for me was when there was literally no building outside your house that it was legal to set foot in. At least now I feel like not everything has to be in the house but you're right Josh it is basically like for the last few months I felt like the halves of me

that are and aren't looking off the kids are almost two separate people. There's a person that can get quite a number of tasks to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the to the to to to the to the to their to their their their their their their their their their. I. I'm their their. I'm their their. I'm their. I'm their. I'm their. I'm their. I'm their. I's their their their their their their their. I their their. I their. I their their. I their. I their their. I their their. I their their their their their their their their their their their the. I'm thea. I'm te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. the the the the the the the their the almost two separate people. There's a person that can get quite a number of tasks done in a day and then there's a person that has to cower in a toilet to get a single email away. If you're parenting these past six months and you don't regard your bathroom as the office, then you're doing better than me. What a place. A door with a lock on it has become so, so valuable in this period. Mine's worked out the old 10P trick though, where you can just undo it for the other side. Is that a thing? Yeah, you know like if it's one of those locks where it's not a key, it's a little turning thing. It's a little turn it, like a little turning knob. On the other side there there, you can get a the th a th a th a little like like like like like like a the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. tho the tho tho tho tho thi tho tho tho tho tho tho tho the the tho tho thi thi. their their tho tho tho their their their their their their tho their tho tho thor. thor. thor. thor. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. to. toooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. A t. t. t. a little turning knob. On the other side, there's a little slit, like for a screwdriver, a little, you can get a 10-P in there and turn it.

Wait a minute, I don't think, I don't think I'll allow them to listen to this in that case. Yeah, I mean, they probably shouldn't be, for all sorts of reasons, this sounds borderline criminal. Well, yeah, I mean, yes, I mean, I wouldn't endorse it, but it can be done. You haven't exactly distanced yourself from it either, though. I was going to say, well, how do you sort of do Christmases and stuff like that, then, do you sort of a year, with the kids or not with the kids? It took a little bit of time to work it out. And the past, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, thi.a. And, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to work it out and the past two years we've done Christmas Day itself with our respective new setups and then we've done things all together on Christmas Eve

and Boxing Day. For the past two or might be three years it's been Winter Wonderland on Christmas Eve and then Pantam on Boxing Day but of course who are you playing in the pantomime? Oh just a set of bit parts for me. Chris Whitty was the lead, obviously. And it is nice, and that kind of Christmas Eve boxing day, I then tend to take them to my parents later in the, in that bit between Christmas and New Year where it's a case of right, what do we do now? But all of this is sort of hanging in the balance isn't it? I shouldn't think they'll be pantomimes and I'd be very, very surprised if Winter Wonderland is allowed to happen.

Because that's basically... Not happening. There you go. I mean, I think that's probably sensible because that is essentially 40,000 people in quite a small field. And a lot of them are pissed on mold wine and German sausages. I mean, the more I talk about it, the more disappointing it is it's not happening actually, because Winter Wonderland does sort of look like a hellscape, but it is a great place to entertain kids for four hours. So what happens at a Winter Wundle? I've never been to Winter Wunderland. Well, if you haven't got kids, it would be a weird decision to go out, I I I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the the they they they they., they wa, their, their their, the thea, thii., the thi, thi, they., the the the the your helter-skelters and those rides that

someone like me looks looks at them and immediately throws out like awful looking rides. But then there's also this either German or fake German market with booze and sausages and stuff like that. So it is quite a good place. It's all in High Park and traditionally it gets so muddy that it's more like being at Glastonbury It's um in a lot of ways. It's quite an unpleasant experience But it is a place where the kids can have quite a nice night and you can get quite drunk in all fairness And those are the as close to guilt free as you can be getting pissed with kids. Yeah, um, so and also if you go like in the after the the the the the the the the th and the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the to to the they. tooast. too. to to to to to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to to to to to to to to to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the they. they. they. the they. the the the the they. the the the they. the the the the they.. So and also if you go like in the afternoon evening it obviously gets dark it's Christmasy it has that sort of it's the sort of thing that you are aware that the kids are they're

forming nice memories even though you're looking around thinking well there's too many idiots here and that was just 14 pounds from old cider there. Yeah it's expensive isn't it? It really is. I don't know how much the actual tickets to it cost, but as soon as you get through, they've absolutely got you. You come away having had quite a nice Christmas experience, but you're about a grand down. Yeah. When Romish went to see Mr. Tumble at Wembley Arena with his kids, obviously, and it was like a ten quid for a 12-inch hot dog and he's like do you do a smaller one that was like no is that three-year-old it's absent

12-inch hot dog that you weren't eating any of those kids arena shows unbelievable I took my kids to poor patrol live at the O2 I know which is the bleakest sentence I've ever said that like well have you seen Port Patrol? Yes, they're big fans in my ass. Right, well, imagine that, but shit. Imagine that, but instead of sort of a lovable animation, it's just people, you know, pretending to be dogs. The main thing with it was is, I was, it wasn't the O2, it was again Wembley Arena.

It was a sort of place that, you know, 10 years ago, you might have seen Arcade Fire. Now you're watching a bunch of blokes pretend to be dogs. And being it, going to stuff on that scale, like going to music venues but to see kids stuff really remind you of how your life has changed I think. Like you're thinking last time... What happens in Poor Patrol Live? Sorry? What happens in Poor Patrol Live is just like how long? Oh I can summarize it for you very easily Rob Hard Anything happens in it. You basically what happens in Port Patrol live is everyone responsible for putting on the show makes an enormous amount of money because as with Romesh's hot dog story there's like there's any amount of dog merch that

the kids all want. I can't believe the actors are getting paid well they're not on a door split. I don't think that no it's not a bucket collection at the end the the actors are the it should be like that actually it should be like a free friend show in Edinburgh and at the end they should they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they th th th th th th th th th is th is th is th is th is the the the the the the the. the. I the. I the. I the. I'm the. I'm the. I the. the their their the. their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their the is the is the is the are theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeat theeeeee are thee are the at the end they should come and say well I think if you've seen that on the West End that I've been 45 quid so if you wouldn't mind putting that in my bucket but this someone's making a lot of money because not only so basically they come out they do like a you know what would pass as an average episode of poor patrol but all of it is they're in costumes and it's done partly by talking partly by, you know, like voiceover tracks and stuff. There's a few songs and then pretty quickly it's over and the lights come up and if you banked on passing the, you know, killing

the afternoon with your kids, there's this horrible feeling of like, is that, is that, it? So it works out about 17 pounds a minute. And you often get this with this with this with th. th. thiiiii this with th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. their, thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. It's, thi. It's, thi. It's, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, th. It's, th. It's, th. It's, th. It's, th. It's, th. It's, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. toe. toe. toe. toeat. toeat. toeat. toeat. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. the thoooo. the the the with shows for the very young kids. You pay what you pay for a theatre show and it's billed like a theatre show but after 45 minutes it's a case there's a particular feeling you get when they begin a song which has the look of an end song about it and you're filled with this cold fear of like hang on a minute let's not start singing a song that goes we've all had a lovely time, it's time to leave the theatre. I don't think it is quite. Straight away you can spot it, that all of the cast are on stage. Everyone is like clapping. Yeah, the lyrics are something like, look what? Look how much we've learned. You think, hang on a minute. This doesn't sound like a song to go into the interval. This sounds like something a lot darker than that. The phrase no interval is absolutely chilling in these situations. Well that's the they're not into it for repeat business. You would, there's not, you are

never going to go that to that again. And not even if it was amazing you wouldn't go to it again. They've got no interest in repeat. their the their the their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their. their. their their. their. they're. they're. they're. they're. they're. they're. they're. they're. they're. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. They're. They're. They're. They're. They're. They're. They're. They're. They're. They're. They're. They're. They're. They're. They're. They're. They're. They're. They're. They're. They're. They're. They're. They're. They're not. They're not. They're not. They're not. They're not. They're not. They're not. They're not. They're not. They're not. They're not. They're not. They're not. They're not. They're they're they're they're doing in some cases well over one show like that a day. Oh, is that a triple matinee? It's unbelievable. The one I went to, the day I went to Portraitore, there were three shows that day, all with, I don't know, 5,000 tickets sold. It's absolutely, the phrase license to print money is overused, but I don't know how sorry I feel for the the guys the guys the guys the guys the guys the guys tho the guys tho tho th g guys the guys the guys th tho thi money thi money thi money thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thinnened is over thi. to to to to to print moomoomoomoomoomoomoomoomoomoom-a is over to piziziziziziziziziziziziziziziziziziziziziziziziziziziziziziziziziziziziziziziziziziziziziziziziziziziziziziziziziziziziziziziziziziziziziz. is. is. I to pa. I to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to print money is over. to p. to p. to p. to to p. to to to to to to to to to to the theatre's being closed, but I don't know how sorry I feel for the guys running that really. I bet they've got the massive art bailout as well. Yeah. Oh yeah, they'll have got 10 million quid to keep doing that. Normally we'd earn 8 million pounds, so I was being, you know, 10 million with the uncertainty. If it was done on lost earnings, then fair play, those guys will put a pretty, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, their, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, they're they're they're they, they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, I they, I they, I they, I they, I they, I they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're that, I, I've that, I've that, I've that, I've that, I've that, I've that, I've that, I've they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're ogether. Similarly I went to in the night garden live. I went to that.

Did you? Yeah, again, yeah, that's right. And it was, I mean, very nice and everything. I suppose the kids have only got short attention spans. But again, from a parent's point of view, you've barely got sat down before they're starting to do the old, before your man is returning to his boat. Yeah. Yeah. But that, I that, I I I I I that, I that, I that, I that, I that, I that, I that, I that, I that, I that, I that, I that, I that, I that, I that, I that, I that, I that, I that, I that, I that, that, that, th. th. that, that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. to. to. to. that's. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. th. too. toda. toda. today. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. th. th. th. Yeah, but that I thought the whether it's the Ninky Nonke or the Pinky Plunk, if I give a shit, the flying one, I thought that was very impressive. I was impressed by that, that flying thing, whatever that was. Ninky Nonke is a certain, definitely a headline in there isn't it? Yeah. Yeah, that's where is a lot of bits of the show, a TV show you don't that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's the the that's that's that's that's that's that's the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. the th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. the. the. t. t. t. t. t. that's that's that's the. that's that's that's. that's. th. replicated on stage because it's still people talking gibberish. It's so boring in the night garden. I hate it.

I hate it. I don't think, yeah, I think most parents feel exactly the same way about it and yet it's effect on kids is absolutely miraculous if they get in the zone with it. But it's far more... My daughter defaults to it whenever she's to the to it whenever she's ill, which is quite kind of weird and kind of, she's not interested and then if she's ill, she wants to watch in the nightguard. Yeah, it does have a weird sort of lulling, therapeutic quality, but if you watch it too often as an adult, you start to feel that you have sort of taken leave of your senses and your personality, basically. That's another thing for you two to look forward as the kids older. You can, you know, by the time that kids are,

certainly my son's age, you can be watching things and think, well, I'm sort of enjoying this. It's not purely. So what would you recommend as the big, the best things? He probably haven't seen octaunau has yet, or have you? Oh, yeah, I'm an octanauts. It's is decent, it's decent, it's decent, it's decent, it's decent, it's decent, it's decent, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, I's, sort sort sort sort th. It's sort th. It's sort th. It's sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's. It's. It's. It's. It's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. thi. thi. th th thi. th th thi. th th th thi. th th thi. th th th bit like Poor Patrol, it's this sort of seemingly like NGO type organization made of marine creatures and it's not clear how they're funded or who pays them for like how they came. Like Greenpeace. Yeah, like like Greenpeace. They haven't even got an equivalent of Marshall in Poor Patrol. There's no obvious boss. The guy called Barnacles is a boss but he himself

is like a sort of octopus squid type fella. So they're remarkably advanced for marine creatures and they're sort of a task force that just go out and rescue like fish that are in trouble, bit like how poor patrol, they go out and solve minor problems. That's why the funding of it is surprising to me because it feels like an organization, I suppose most of them will be furlode now actually. It's it's it's the Japanese it's the Japanese it's their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their th. It's th. It's th. It's th. I's their their their thi. It's thi. It's their their their. It's their. It's their. It's their. It's their. It's their. It's their. It's their. It's their. It's their. It's their. It's their. It's their. It's their. It's their. It's their their their their their thi. I's thi. I's thi. I's te. I's te. I'm te. I'm tea. I'm te. I'm te. I'm te. I'm te. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I them will be furloughed now actually. It's Japanese but dubbed into English. And obviously the Japanese are pretty good. So it's incredibly high concept. In average episode, it will be like, you know, like a, what those ones called that squirt, the black ink, a cuttlefish or something like that,

has been called in a coral reef, and three of them go out in the boat disentangle it, explain to the viewers what coral is and why this thing squirts ink. Oh wow so it's an educational experience. It's a mixture of an entertainment show and just a kind of David Attenborough situation basically yeah I've been learning from it. It's quite you know as a parent you do genuinely watch it thinking yeah I wonder what I wonder what jellyfish we're going to see bailout today. I mean in terms of the dramatic range it's still not quite an adult show like you very rarely get one of these creatures dying which would raise the stakes. Well I'll just say though for a live show we've slagged off a few, I'd say that funds and games, if they're still doing their kid show, is really funny. That was great, yeah. That's a really good, that's a proper show. So if you, like, they

need to do it at Surrey Theatre, but say if you want to take your kid, they need to be a bit older, they're probably a bit, they need to be that sort of age, but not to get the adult, to be, to be, to be, to be, to be, to be, to be, there.. So, there, tho, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, to be, like, to be a really, that's a really. That, like, like, to be, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, to. So, to. Yeah, to. Yeah, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that's a. So, that's a. Yeah, that's athe kids at all, which, as we all know, is the best kind. Exactly. But that is a great one to go to, compared to those big ones at the Wembley Arena, oh my yard. Do you take your kids to Edinburgh Festival, Mark? The last couple of years they have been up, yeah for you away from the comedy circles that we all operate in because like I took the kids last year to, well, the last time the fringe, it is last year, isn't it?

2020 is absolutely fucked us really. I can't even remember. It's gone off the so long, in it. But back in the, I must have been in the 60s now. I'm sorry. I don't want to imagine, imagine, imagine, imagine, imagine, imagine, imagine, imagine, imagine, imagine, imagine, imagine, to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the to than, than, than, than, thi, thi, the the the their, their, their. their, their, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well. the their, well. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. th. th. th. than, well. than, well, well, well, well, that, their. that, their. their. toda. today, today, today, today, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well,? It would do well, wouldn't it? What could happen? Asteroid? It could just be more of the same, though, couldn't it? I mean, I don't want to bring us down, but... No, you're right.

I think if it was more of the same, that would feel worse because a year of this is probably enough, in the days, back in I think it was 1978 when I first took the kids to the festival, it was a much better time. We used to do stuff like, you go to like beatboxing or like hula hooping or, you know, dinosaur related show, you go to stuff that you wouldn't have dreamed of going to before you had kids. And so you were introduced to this whole, you know, a lot of our fellow performers do kids shows themselves and some of them are great. Would you ever consider doing a kids show? Or as an author, would you, would you do a kid's book? Well, I've never felt like, when I watch

kids shows, I'm astonished that people can do it really because there's just so much... How do they look in the mirror? Have some respect for yourselves. I was like, for a start, you normally end up covered in like, you know, toilet roll or catch up or blood. And also the... I mean, I think if you're a stand-up, you are quite hypersensitive to people being like fidgeting and chatting, but in a kid the instinct that's just like, hey, what you talk about? If it's a five-year-old doesn't go down as well, I think. So there's that background hum of noise and the room smells of like sandwiches and crisps, which to be fair, it's still a lot better than what some fringe venues originally smell of. But yeah, I think, but also I think it's a real skill. their, their, their, their, their, their, I th. th. th. thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, to, to, to, to to be to be thin, to be, too, is, is, is a too, is a to be, is a to be, is a to be, is a to be, is a to be, is a tho, is a tho, is, is a thi, is a thi, is, is a thi, is a thi, is a thi. thi, is a thi. thi, is a thi. thi, is a thi. thin, is a thin, thin, thin, thin, too. too. too. too. too. too. too. too. too. toooooooooooooooo. It's is a too. It's is a tho. But yeah, I think, but also I think it's a real skill. Every time I see it done well at a kid show, I feel like how did you know this was going to work? How did you, you can't do many previews? I've seen some masterful ones. You know, Will Adamsdale? Him and to

him and Tom Parry did this Kafka for short stories for like 10 year old and under and it was brilliantly done. But I just, I don't, I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I think, I think, I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I thi. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. th. th. th. th. th. th. I feel, I feel, I feel, I feel, I feel, I feel, I feel, I feel, I feel, I th. I th. I th. I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I thi. think, thi. thi. th. thi. th. thi. I feel, th. I feel, I feel was brilliantly done but I just I don't I can't imagine how I think I think the start it seems it's like sketch comedy in it it sounds like it's gonna be easy but it's normally shit so yeah I think that's what you've had your fingers burnt so many times where that's right comedy or kid shows are good they are incredible but it's either incredible absolute nonsense yeah and of course it makes you wary. It really does and kids you know might seem like they're easily pleased but as we all know both from comedy and from life if you're failing to impress a kid there's there's no worse feeling in the world. I've been to kids shows where someone comes out and

you know just like whoops my trousers have come down ha ha and the kids look blankly and you think oh this will be a long 58 minutes then. Is that all all that all that all th. And you th. And you the the their their their their their their their their their their their their their their. Oh their. Oh their. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.. Oh..... Oh.. Oh.. Oh. Oh... Oh. Oh. Oh.... Oh.. the. Oh. the. Oh. the. the. the the the the the th. the the th. the th. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. th. you're thinking, oh, this will be a long 58 minutes then. Is that all, and you can see it on the performance faces. It uses well, you can see him or go, the thing is, Mr. Fox doesn't like to come out unless you make a bit more noise. And then the kids half-heartedly made more noise, and then thereia a lot more by now. As you say, Rob, there's very little worse than watching a sketch show go down the toilet in Edinburgh.

But if there is anything worse, it's watching a kid's sketch show full of the pie. Especially if it's, like, almost the worst thing you can see in the fringes, we've all been there as well, shows where it's a sketch show and there's a their, tho, tho, and there, their, and there, thso, and there's a thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, their, their, their, tho, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, thi, is is their, is their, is their, is their, is their, is their, is their, is their, is a their, is a their, is a thi, is a thi, is a thi, is a throwne, is a little, is a little, is a too, is a too, is a too, is a too, is a to, is a thooomorrow, is a little, is a there's that moment where for the first time you see a character return and you think ah shit so this is it now. So we're just gonna watch six iterations of each of those bad characters all right cool and that's bad if you're on your own but if you've got two kids that are and again kids quite a quist understandably we'll just they'll just whisper stuff like th ithe. they'll just they'll just they'll just they'll just they'll just they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they. I I'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll their they'll their their their they'll their they. they'll they. they'll they. I I I I I I I I I I I they. I the they. I the the they. I'll they. I'll just they. I'll just they. I'll just they. they're they. I'll just they. I'll just they. I'll just they'll just they'll just they'll just they'll just they'll is this is this it does this get better and quite often that's audible to the performer so it's yeah I can't imagine anything worse than doing a kid show if it wasn't going well yeah basically yeah that's the worst feeling in the world I sometimes do think about writing a kid's book because I've read some that are excellent and again

some that are rubbish and sometimes if you're reading a bad kids book to your kids you're filled with rage and you think I could do better than this but again and when your kid likes a bad kids book and you think I'm losing so much respect for you this is so much yeah yeah I'm glad to be nurturing you but you're an idiot yes the plot was so telegraphed here of course the witch is going to end up being a good person. I tell you what is yeah the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the which is the which is the which is the which is the which is the which is the which is the which is the which is the which is the which is the which is the which is the which is the which is the which is the which is the which is the which is the which is the which is the which is the which is the which is the which is the which is the which is the which is the which is the which is the which is the which is the which is the which is the which is the which is the which is the which is the which is the which is the which is the which is the which is. the which is. the witch is going to end up being a good person. I tell you what is, yeah, like they're not bad books by any means, but you know the Julia Donaldson, Axel Sheffel, one's like the Room on the Broom and the Gruffal Hour, you all those tho and those ones. Oh, you know, I don't mind them, but come on, that's just, you know that repetitive, repetitive, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, and that, and that, and that, and that, and repetitive, and repetitive, and repetitive, and repetitive, and repetitive, and repetitive, and repetitive, and repetitive, and repetitive, and repetitive, and that, and the, and the, and the, and the, and the, the ri, and the, and the, and the, and the, and the, and the, and the, and the, and the, and the, and the, and the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the like the, yeah. If you read a squash and a squeeze, the- I got a scotch and squeeze.

That is basically, one anecdote repeated over and over and over again, and it always comes down to, and he said, old lady, help me please, my home is a squash and a squeeze, over and over again. Yeah. The thing is, there's no denying it, Josh, they're right. They're good books. They're just just they're just just they're just thak, th. T T T T T, th. T, th. T, th. T, th. T, tho. T, tho. T, tho, tho, thi. T, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, their, their, thi. their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their. Yeah, their. Yeah, their. Yeah, they. Yeah, they. Yeah, they. Yeah, they. Yeah, they. Yeah, they. Yeah, th. Yeah, th. Yeah, th. th. th. th. th. th. thin. tho, tho. tho. thooo. thooooo. th. thooooooooooooooo. th. th. thoooooo. their, their, they're good books. They're just very well executed in a way that delights the kids. But if you're in a particular mood, you're like. This is bollocks. But then that goes for everything, parents.

It's not their fault. You don't have to have the kids. What I was about those books, although, it's like, everything has to rhyme. that everything hastap out. You're like oh so there's just no rhyme on this page because you couldn't think of one but you don't oh send that to the printers. Yeah that's right sometimes you get that with like not to be fair to Donaldson really knows her stuff rhyming wise but as you say it's likethen on the second chorus it's like, and yeah, the friend called Mr. Grice, and you're thinking, come on. I mean, yeah, like you say, Rob,

it starts to feel like, oh, there's a deadline looming, was there? Especially, sometimes there's these ones where, I think, to be fair, like anyone, like me and you're performers, we're writers. Sometimes you see something that's just worked really well as a conceit and you're just jealous. It's pure jealousy basically. Do your kids have those, that's not my pony type books? Yeah, yeah. I think you might have talked about them before.

That's not my pony. He's, you know, his hair is too nice, fluffy. His face is too cute, whatever. Those guys are thozy, tho- thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, tho, too too too too too too too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thiiiiiii, thiiii, too too thi, to to to too too thi, too, whatever. Those guys are knocking 20 of those out a year and all of them are bestsellers. So of course, I'm angry. And they started off as that's not my pony, that's not my puppy, whatever, but now there's so many of them, it'll be like, that is not my artificial intelligence assistant.

It's answers as too staccato. And they'll still be selling, like, if you, if you, if you, if you, if you, if you, if you, if you, if you, th, they, they, they, th., th., th., thi, their, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, th. th. th. th. thi, thi, that, that, th. th. th. th. th. th. thi, th. th. th. th. th. I, th. I, th. I, th. I, th. I, th. I, th. th. th. th, th, th, th, th, th. th. th. th. th. their, their, their, their, th. th. th. th. that, that, that, that, is, is, is, is, is, that, is, is, is, that, is, is, that, is, that, is, is, that, that, that, thataccato. And they'll still be selling, like, if you come up with something that you can write 10 of them a year like that as a kid's author, you're absolutely away. Yeah, the ones that are zero to two. And then they'll credit the author and you're like, are you, you're fucking. Yeah, I mean. The illustrators doing 95% of the work here. You can almost can almost see the email where the author goes, well, here it is, the ones was a dog, he lived in a bog, he once found a log, he turned into a frog, and that's me actually, that's 50 grand advance.

And then the illustrator opens the email and goes, for Christ's sake, I can't draw a frog. Such a shame frog rhymes with everything. I th th th th th th th th thus thus thus thus thus thus thus thus thus thus thus thus thus thus thus thus thus thus, thus, thus, thus, thus, thus, thus, the the the thus, thus, tho, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. th. tho, tho, thi. tho, thi. thi. tho, thooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. thooo far too little credit in these books. There are some... A lot of kids books are absolutely beautifully done and like gorgeous pictures. Yeah, there's some absolutely, we've got some eye-wateringly beautiful kids books, but then all the text is like, he looked into a mirror, then there was a gorilla, there's a building with a pillar, and yeah, I'm off, I'm off to Spain now because my work is done.

Good luck drawing that for six months. Rob, you always like to end with the same question. This question now is what might be interesting to you, so you may want to engage with it or not, but it's normally what the, your partnerire but the other parent of the children, is there something that they do with their parenting that annoys you but you're within your rights to say but it's never been a right time without kicking off that something they do with the kids that annoys you that you want them to stop doing? I mean, you know, if this is going to open too many to thans of worms for you in in your you in your your you in your you in your you in your their their their to you their to you to their to thiiuu thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. throwne thoes. thoes to to throwns. thoes to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to thi to thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thrown thrownes. thrownes. thrownes. their thrownes thrownes thoooooes. thrownes throoooes to to to to to can take a bow of silence on this one. You could choose your current partner. I think I'm going to answer it by saying absolutely every decision they make is perfect.

I know what, Mark, I think that's right. I think that's the best thing you could have said. So I'm glad you asked me actually, yeah. Mark Watson, it's been an absolute pleasure. Thank you. It's been a nice hour off from parenting. Yeah. What's your name of your book again? Just so people... The book is called Contacts and it's called The Frog and the Log, isn't it? That's right. It's called Contacts. It's about a man who came up with a plan and he ate some brand and he had a tan. If we see that you now produce those books in like two years' time, we'll know that you're doing it in a loveless way.

You'll know then that I've accepted that all my other income streams have dried up and it's time to just rhyme a very long series of words and get some poor bugger to draw a goat, yeah. Well, good luck with it. I can't wait. I'm, thrown. Cheers Mark. Cheers Mark. Thanks a lot, guys. Good luck with everything. That was amazing. I really enjoyed talking to Mark. It was great, would it?

He's a love, such a lovely bloke, but that anecdote was amazing. The panic in his eyes dropping that pram. I can already can see his nervous energy. I was so hung over that day. But, you know, it's better to be me than me than me than me than me than me than me than me than me than me than me than me than me than me than me than me than me than me than me than me than me than me than me than me than me than me than me than me than me than me than me than me than me than me than me than me than me than me than me than me than me than me than me than me than me than me than me than me than me me than than than than than than than than than than than than than than than than than than than than than than than than than than me than me than me than me than me than me than me than me than me than me than me than me than me than me than me than me than me than me that point I think. His book contact is out now in hardback so you know buy that for Christmas for the one hour you get to yourself every evening. I prefer a paperback to a hardback you know but they never bring out the paperback at the start. Why is that? Well it's because they make more money selling the

hardback mates they sell them to the keynows and then you know the likes of me and you. So ungainly, I'd pay the same for a paperback. You can't take a hardback out of the house. I've always said it. It's true. You can't make a hardback on the train. No, it's there's no pleasure in it. If you put it in a bag, it will destroy that paper wrap around bit, the whole thing is an absolute saga. But I would say it's worth buying Mark Worry and their back. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. tho. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. It's thi. It's thi. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's t. It's ta. It's tot. It's ta. It's ta. It's ta. It's tote. It's tote. It's tote. It's tote. It's the way. Buy in hardback, or do what me and Robin done and pre-order it in paperback and enjoy it next summer. Well, yeah, that was a good one, don't it, Mark? It's interesting. We've had a lot of people asking, getting people that sort of separated and looking after the kids. And we do try to, as well, but it's also difficult where some people may not want to to to to to talk to talk to talk, to talk, to to to talk, to to to talk, to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to be. We. We. to be. to be. too, too, to me me me. to me. to me. to me, to me. Well, to me. Well, to. Well, to. Well, to. Well, to. Well, to. Well, to. Well, to. Well, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to. And, to. and you want, you know, to move up the ladder of people

that we want to book next, if you could get divorced, that would be ideal. Anyway, it was a great chat and it was a great chat. We'll speak to you on Friday. Yeah, Friday. Look for it. Bye.