Parenting Hell with Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe - S01 EP54: The old five knuckle shuffle

Episode Date: October 30, 2020

ROB BECKETT & JOSH WIDDICOMBE'S 'LOCKDOWN PARENTING HELL'S01 EP54: The old five knuckle shuffle More misadventures in parenting from Josh and Rob.Enjoy. Rate and Review. Thanks. xxx If you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @lockdownparent INSTAGRAM: @lockdown_parentingA 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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And I'm Robbecki. Welcome to Lockdown Parenting Hell. The show in which Rob and I discuss what it's like to be a parent during lockdown, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, in an effort to make some kind of sense of the current situation, and to make me feel better about my increasingly terrible parenting skills, each episode will be chatting to a famous parent about how well they're coping. Or hopefully not. And we will be hearing from you the listener with your tales of lockdown parenting woe. Because let's be honest, none of us know what we're doing. Hello and welcome to lockdown parenting how with Yes. Widdicum. Say Whitticum.

Yes, a crew. And Rob? Rob. Beckett. Beckett. Well done. Don't know if you're well done there. That is a recording of my 25-month-old son, Errol.

25 months. Just say two. Just say two. 25 mums's fucking hell. That is from Amy Cropper. Let's say two Amy Cropper. That was quite mesmerizingly beautiful I found. The energy between those two, that is the complete opposite of how my house operates.

Yeah, how is your house operating, Rob? Just say Josh Widdickum. You've heard it before, you've met him, say Josh, Josh, you're gonna do it or not? You're not gonna do it, alright, no iPad, all right? How's half-term? How's half-term? Half-term? The problem with them going to school is, when they're in school, it's amazing, but when half-term hits, you just, you've lost, it's like you've never parented before. I just can't remember what it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's-i, it's-i, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, thi's like, to to to to to to to to to to to to to how this works anymore and they're getting cleverer. It's like dinosaurs in Jurassic Park, you know they're sort of evolving and becoming more intelligent. So it just makes it harder to manage. Yours, yours like a full year nursery, isn't it? Yeah, I mean, I'm not going to lie. Those two weeks over Christmas Rob. Oh, they are tough. Well, like, that's the thing, and I think what it hits other people hard,

especially because I'm trying to work from home and they're running about and doing stuff, and I'm going away, but like, for you as well, it's gonna, you're really going to notice it. I don't know what your plans are. So like, when she's that she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she's that she's that she's that she's that she's that she's that she's that she's that she's that she's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that. that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that. that. that's. that's. that. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's that's that's that's that's that's th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thia. that's that's that's Are you gonna just have her at home or you're gonna put her in that nursery again? Where'd you put kids? It would be bizarre to put her in that nursery again. She'd be older than everyone.

When she's 12, just pop in there. They've got some lovely, they've got some lovely duplow you to play with. But I don't know what the people are we're not, you know, well yeah, I know it's like weird. It's like the six weeks over summer. Oh my God. My parents never let on how bad it was that kind of thing. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, well I think my parents just thought will let us go in the street.

Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah. That makes it play around the back of the houses but I think um... I forgot that you grew up in Coronation Street. Well where we grew up was like a little close so it was... Oh Brookside sorry my mistake. Jilly car killed so it was there was a lot of cars yeah it was just pinnows you had to worry about. Yeah we used to we used to kick the ball around in the on the street actually we'd kicked the ball around and then I sound like the kid from the the the the the the the the the th........... the the the the the the th. th. th. the th. th. the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the th. the th. the th. the the the the the the the th. the th. the th. the th. th. th. the the the th.. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. th. the. the street actually. We'd kick them all around and then, I sound like I'm like the kid from the Hovis advert or whatever, but you wouldn't realize how dark it had got. You'd literally just kick the ball around until it was pitch black and then you'd go inside.

It was great. Does that not happen anymore? Well, I remember doing headers. to the the street when it. And that's such a bleak thing to do. Just like, what, what fun did you have? We didn't have iPads, Rob. We had a football and wet air, and we made that into a game. But Lou said to me, Lou went, uh, February, I don't care what we do or where we go, but we are not being in this house........... th. th. A the house, th. A th. th. th. the th. th. th. the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. to, th. th. th. th. th. th. to, th. to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, the the the the the the the the the the the th. We, th. We, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, let, let, let, let, to, let, let, to, to, let, let, to, th. the the th. th. th. th. th. th. thin, let, th th th th th to me, to me, to me, to me, th to me, to me, the threat, the house for a week. Yeah, I think that a lot of people do go away. Like, I didn't really realize it was half-term, and then I was like on my Instagram, and I was

like, why is there so many photos of so many of my friends having a shit time on a cold beach? Like they just thought the kids. Like they're with their kids rather than everyone just got mental in the house. Totally. Anyway, but I'm all right it's all good. I had a bit more sleep so I'm backfiring on all cylinders that John. Yes, here we go. Well we've got loads of good emails Rob. I thought we could blast through them. Let's do the emails. Let's hear from the people. You know we've talked about bad names. Yes. I don't believe the timing of this. I mean it's an

astonishing name, but you know I consider myself someone who's got a knowledge of popular culture and I don't think that she's got the timings right there, but I'll read it out anyway. I love the podcast. I was listening to episode 46 and wanted to email in about a ruined name. I went to school with a girl who had one of the most unfortunate names. She was called Wednesday Adams. Oh no, as in the Adams family? Yeah as in the daughter from the Adams family, right? I'm from Hillsborough in Sheffield, so she was actually named after the local football team Sheffield Wednesday. Oh no, but then the parents didn't know about the Adams family. But she's put, this was in the early nighties before the Adams family became as famous as they are today.

It was really famous for years. And it wasn't just a film. It was like around in the 70s or the 60s or whatever. And I imagine if your surname is Adams, you may have heard of it a bit more than someone that was called Baker. It would be more involved in your life. We're just like, D-Din-Duh, D-Duh. Here he comes at work, surely. Exactly. Astonishing. Well, Wednesday, Adams. That is an unfortunate name. Well, it's not unfortunate.

I think it's their own fault. They deserve that for their child. The worst name, surely, surely, has got to be anonymous. And then it's just like they're constantly phoning radio stations, constantly sending emails into podcasts. It's called Anon for short, but it's anonymous Adams. Constantly phoning out with terrorist threats, that kind of thing. By the way, I should say, Rob, I didn't say this last time. I was talking to the producer told me an interesting fact that our demographics

over the time we've been on air have swung. So it used to be 5248, which of course is a very famous split between men and women. Okay. And now we're 60% female listenership, Rob. The men are dropping. Or the women are gaining. You can see it either way. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. The robots are half, half, half, empty approach to that. I think, no, I think that it is women are gaining. So I think women are more likely to go, oh, there's this podcast you should listen to where men don't like to communicate, do they? No, yeah, yeah, exactly. Well, I think they'll be like, oh yeah, I like Joe Rogan. I do too, but I also like to hear about parenting, okay?

Because I'm a modern man. Yes, sure. I will watch Bear Knuckle Flighted on YouTube, but I'll also Google the best nappy. You Google the best nappy. What is the best nappie to stop that's a cork you need. I've got some information for you. This nappy they don't ever go it's always dry and clean. Oh that's good for 6040 women yeah it's good isn't it? My friend said that his sister lives in the south of France and he was like oh Will Briggs you know will Briggs obviously and his sister lives in the south of France he was like your podcast is massive

with the south of France mums. Wow, really? Oh my God, we should do a live from San Trape, on a yacht. Have I told you about Wilbry's story? I could tell this quickly because we need to get back to parenting. I was doing a gig for him. It was a big outdoor gigs. It was just like a normal gig but in a that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. th. that. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. to. th. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. the like tent in the middle of summer but also I said I can do it but in I'm

also doing a I was hosting a conference for a company in Bristol so I said I can do it but as long as I'm on first because I've got to go and do the sound check at the conference and I'll come to you do the gig and and then I'll go back to host the conference okay so it's the th I's th I's the th I's the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the I'm I'm I'm I'm the the the I'm the the I'm the the the I'm the the the the the I'm to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the I'm the I'm the I'm the I'm the the the the the the the I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I'm I I'm I I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm to toye I'm tooe I'm to tooooo to to to toooooo to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the theto host the conference, okay? So it's all fitting and fine. Anyway, the woman organized the conference was very worried that I wasn't going to get there and back. So she said, oh, my staff can go with you to, you know, chaperone you there and back. Okay. I was in a black tire tuxedo and everyone at the event obviously was in ballroom, and everyone at the event obviously was in ballroom, to the tent in the middle of this park and get changing to sort of normal stage clothes, do the gig, get change, come back. Anyway, the chaperones were this woman's 16-year-old daughter, I think may have been 15, and her mate in cocktail dresses.

And I was like, it'll be fine, I can get there on my own. So now, I'm arrived, right? At the gate of thate thate thate thate that that that that that that that that that that that that that that, that, that, that, that, I that, I thate, I was thate, I was that, I was that, I was th, I was th, I was th, I was th, I was th, I was th, I was the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the woman, I was the woman, I was that, I was that, I was that, I was that, I was that, I was that, I was that, I was that, I was that, I was that, that, that, that, thateea' thatean, thatean, thatean, thatean, thatea' thatea' thatea' that, tuxedo with two 15 year old girls. I was going to say women they were girls I'm walking okay I'm walking and Will goes what is going on it's not wow it looks I'll explain later could they sit there and wait when I do the gig he was like yeah right and then he went do you want to do their? And then I went up to get changed you and did they don't want to drink they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they, do you want to do? And then I went, I went, they can't drink, they're 15! And then I did the gig, and then they chaperoned me back, and it was so awful and awkward. But I was just like, this looks horrendous. They were dressed like it was like the Oscars. they were dressed like like like like like like like like like like the the the the the they was like, the they was like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, their they was like, they was like, they was like, they was like, they was like, they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're like, they're like, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they they they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're they're they're they're they're they're they can can't they can't they can't they can't they can't they can and converse. Anyway, so, but yeah, it's good to know that we're big on the South of France scene. It is lovely to know everyone

on the South of France scene. If there's any other big mum scenes around the world, then I just know. Big mum scenes. Yeah, sorry, that's nice. That sounds like a very strange Google search. Yeah. I'm not going back to university to be your the the their their their their their their th. th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I'm th. I'm th. It's th. It's good th. It's good th. It's good thousand. It's good thousand. It's good th. It's good. It's good thousand. It's good. It's good. It's good. It's th. I Yeah. I'm not going back to university to be your friend. I'm going so I can get Uber 1 for students. It saves you on Uber and Uber eats. I'm there for zero dollar delivery fee on cheeseburgers. Up to 5% off smoothies and 5% Uber cash back on rides. Just to be clear, I'm there for savings. Not whatever you think university is for.

Get Uber 1 for students, a membership to save on Uber and Uber eats. With deals this good, everyone wants to be a student. Join for just $4.99 a month. Savings may vary, eligibility and member terms apply. This is from Amy Lewis. Now, this goes back to nose. Oh, yeah, the secret to sleep. Yes, stroking of a baby baby the nose the nose the nose the nose the nose the nose the nose the nose the nose Oh yeah, the secret to sleep. Yes, stroking a baby's nose, this is amazing. Regarding the nose stroke, I'm 30 years old,

and I'm living proof that the nose stroke works. Apparently my mom used to stroke my nose to help me to sleep, and it still works to this day. Really? To the extent, I often ask my fiancé to stroke my nose if I'm struggling to sleep. Oh no, that is, you can't. Even though it works, you just can't. Even though I get my mom to come round now, even though we're in tier two to stroke my nose. Do you know what though, if you knew that worked and you had like an important day the next day, and you couldn't sleep, and you know you've got to be up because to to to to cry to cry to cry on to cry to cry to cry to cry to cry to cry to cry to cry the to cry to to the to to to the to to to the to the to their to their to their their their to work work work work work work work work. to work. thi. thi. thi. thi. that works. that works it works. that works. that works. that works. It it works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It work it work it works. It work it work it work it work it work it work it work it work it work. to work. to work. to work. to work. to work. to to to to to to to to to to to the to the to to to to the the to to the the to the to the the toooo. the thooooo. th. thea. thi. thea. thi. thi. thi. thi an important day the next day and you couldn't sleep and you know you've got to be up because you've got a cry on on ITV or whatever it is right? Would you get would you be tempted to say to look you've just got a stroke my nose to get to sleep? Oh my God I mean I

mean no I just couldn't bring myself I mean it depends how quickly and a no stroke in the no stroke was I I mean I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I the the the the the do do do do do do do do do do you do do do do the do you do the the th th th th th to th to to to th th th th to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the try the the the try try the try try try try to try to to to to to deal, but if it's like a seven-stroker and then you're gone, it's probably worth it. Do you have any things that like to get you to sleep? I have the do-be completely over my head which some people think is quite weird. Whoa, so how are you laying face down or face up? Okay, not face down, what not head into the pillow? No, I lay on the the, the the the the the toe, toe, the toe, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi, that, thigh, th. tho, tho, tho, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, th. Do, th. Do, th. Do, th. Do, th. Do, th. Do, th. Do, th. Do, th. Do, th. Do, th. Doe, th. Doe, th. Doe, th. Doe, th. Doe, th. Doe, the, the, the, thr. Doe. Doe. Doe. Doe. Doe. Doe. Doe. Do you, the. Doe. Do you the. Do you throooooooo. Doe, the, th into the pillow. No, but I lay on my front, but my head to the side. Yeah, yeah, basically like that. I'd say I lay kind of half between side on and front on. Okay. And then duvet over my head with just the nose and mouth exposed for air. That's mental. That's some sort of fetal panic, anxiety position. Do you think? What you wear in naked or pants? I have pants and in the summer if the duvet is too hot I'll just put it over my head so I'll have my

body out but still duvee overhead. No, no duvee overhead. No, no. A thin or a sheet. No, because that's the thing like yeah well I could I sleep naked. sleep naked. Do you? Yeah, completely naked, yeah, but I just find pants restrictive. Is that a terrible way for you fall asleep on a train, am I right guys? Just to just give it up to that. There's a nightmare on those long haul flights. Dick out, you've got your doover out of your edge. You both get arrested in Singapore. If you have any weird ways that you now sleep or if you've got any weird techniques you use for your child to get to sleep, this thing that plays the Gruffello stories mate is like absolute

magic. What is it? So it's a box and you put the card in and it's like a cartridge in a kind of a strenter. So is this what you use to get her to sleep? We got it for her for a birthday and now you pop one on when she's going to sleep and it's she's out like a light. Yeah, wow. Well, my best way for me to sleep if I play golf, if I'm playing golf, I know I'm boring if I'm playing golf but playing golf you're so tired, your body aches, so having a shower after playing golf and to sleep, in it. That's like the dream, dream scenario. I'd just have a shower, I've had a long day playing golf, I get into clean sheets and then have a yogurt.

And I've always done it like that. What, in the, in the bed? I'm joking. I'm joking. I said at the end of everything. I said, like, in the potty and have a yogurt and now I keep saying at the end of everything you know that as the like the as the reveal and I have a yogurt I don't know why I wave I'm sorry I'm being silly no but yeah that's interesting the head cover you make this bloody podcast silly why don't you you know you try to seriously discuss whether you can stroke

someone's nose and they can go into sleep. I honestly a scientific study. I'm bored of, like, NASA and that announcement about water on the moon was such an underwhelming announcement. I already thought there was. Who cares? We're not short of water here. No, in fact we're getting more and more as the sea level rise. Yeah, as those polar ice caps melt, we're getting loads of stuff. What you're looking for it? You know, just appreciate where you got the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the their to to getting loads of the stuff what you're looking for it you know just appreciate what you got on your doorstep right Carl's this is oh Caris sorry Carl's I thought Carls was an odd name

hello my name is Carreys and I'm a 17 year old childless uni student I'd like to complain about four years ago and I was taken to a gig boat no um so in Bristol in Bristol in Bristol. In Bristol. I'm a parent's first child and when th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th the the thou- th th their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their thol thou thou thou thou thou the thou thou tholou their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their taken to a gig, but no, I'm so... In Bristol? From Beckett. I'm a parent's first child, and when I was a few months old, my mom had her first night back out with the girls, much to my dad's dread. Everything was running smoothly. They are the worst night after a baby,

they are the people that ruin comedy gigs are most. Yeah, I do wonder whether, you know, when we go back on tour, we're going to have a really different demographic after this podcast. Well, I think, I think our tour shows might, but I think if we do a live version of this, it's almost going to be like a sort of like a cult of just people that's just going to be lots of tired people that they're going to be at the bar..... the bar bar bar bar bar bar. the bar. the bar. And their. And their. And their. They's. They're going to their. They're going to thi. They's. They's. They's. Ti. Ti. Tired. Ti. Ti. Ti. Ti. Ti. Ti. Ti. Ti. They're going. Thea. Thea. Thea. Thea. Thea. Their. Ti. Ti. Their. Ti. Ti. Ti. T. thi. thi. thi. th. th. their... And, their... And, their. And, their.. And, their. And, their. And, their. And, their. And, their. And, their. And, their. And, their. And, th. And, th. And thi. And, thi. And, thi. I's. I's. And, toda. I's. And, toda. I's. I's. And toda. And, their wine. There's no more flights from the South of France to Hammersliff. It's like when England, England playing the euros. We're going to have to go via Prague. Right, I own my parents' first child. Yeah, so everything was running smoothly. By all accounts, I was a very easy-going baby, bragging, but I was starting to teeth.

This didn't phrase my dad, he knew what to do. He went to the cupboard and got out what he thought was Bongella. Oh no. Put a tiny bit on my gums, and then put me down to sleep. On his way out of the room, he realized he'd picked up Carvolve, which is like albass oil, instead of Boncilla. Oh my God. So what would you do here, Josh? Would you wait for the screams or would you try and rub it off a much straightway? Yeah, I'd maybe get a load of water.

Yeah. He immediately rang one-one. And their response was, I don't mean to alarm you sir, but an ambulance is on its way. Oh no! I need you to stay on the phone and watch for any foaming of the baby's mouth. Oh no, how old is a baby? A few months. Oh my god. Oh my that is just... Oh so what happened? Well she's emailed in so she must be alright. She died. And this is written from beyond the grave. The ambulance came and took me and my dad to hospital. I was absolutely fine and thi th th th th th th th th th th th th th thi th thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi to to to to to to to the the the to to to me to to to to me to to to me to me to me to me to me to me to me to me to me to me to to to to to to to to to to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the thom thom thom thom. thom- thom- thom- thom- thom-mong thom-mong to thom-mong to to to to me to to to me to thom- to to grave. The ambulance came and took me and my dad to hospital. I was absolutely fine and they sent me home once they had checked it over.

We got home before my mom and when asked about how his first night alone with the baby was, he responded, yeah, fine. She was no problem. He told my mom years later when he felt it was safe to do so. Oh my God, that is, I don't think I could live for that secret. No, awful. It was probably the right thing to do because you'd only have worried, but then I think you should tell someone if you've had to go to the hospital with the baby. I think that morally you should.

Do you think, yeah. Yeah, just because if anything, because there may be future side effects down the line or when you go to a doctor appointment, they look at medical history, and they'll be like, oh yeah, obviously because of the incident at five months. What incident? Oh yeah, but that is balls of still from that man to not crack for years. At what point would you have to texted Lou? Oh my God? thoo, yeah, all good, just to to to to to the to the to to the to they. to to to to the to to to to to to to the to to to to to to to the to to the to to to to to the the the the to look, the their the their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their their tooxxxxxxxxanuoxanuxanuxanuxanoxanuxanoxanoxanoxanoxanuoxauoxauoxapoxan... their thox. their thox. toe. Oh my God, I mean, of course though, you have to pick the point. You don't want to be texting Lou. Yeah, all good, just checking for foaming of the mouth. I'll let you know if I see anything.

You know, enjoy whack-a-bubbers. You can't. You have to pick a point you informed them. Because you don't worry them too much, but then also as well, if you are back and they were like, oh, it's all absolutely, maybe it was just so like, we're bringing you to check, but it's obviously absolutely fine, nothing's done, baby's fine, just go home. It doesn't really feel like this much to say because it was a precaution, it was a precaution. It was a precaution. It was a bit like, like well what do you say apart from like I'm a complete idiot oh god I just I just oh my word but then I'll be what else has happened he's not told me well exactly if you can keep that kind of secret

you can keep another kind of secret because that's the thing with a three month old there's literally no witnesses to the crime. Oh my God that's all the darkest things you've ever said. Right, let's move on. This is from Sean Aiken. My children, Olivia and Zander, 11 and 8 now. When Olivia was one, her nursery arranged for a sleep expert to come in one evening to talk to parents experiencing any issues. Our issue was that she wouldn't let us leave the room after we put her down. And a great tip on that was to have a cushion by the bed that you sit on until she's asleep every few nights edge it towards the door. Then out of the door, long landing, down one step at time and ventured into the living room. What? What? It took a few weeks, but work to treat. told Rob. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. the th the th thi. thi. thi. to me me me to me, to me, to me, the to me, to me, the toe, toe, too, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, to have toe, to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to sit to sit. And, to sit. And, to sit. And, to sit. And, to sit. And, to be. And, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, too, too, tho, tho, the the the the the the tho. Wea, the the the tho. the the the toda. thoooooooooooome, tooomorrow, too. And, too. And, treat. Anyway, here and Rob talk about occasionally taking babies out in the evening for a drive Reminded me of another couple from the nursery that came to the consultation

Their baby was about eight months old only in capital letters Slept whilst being driven in the car only only only so for several months. They've been taking it in turns to drive the baby around in two hour shifts on night every night. No! I mean you'd have to change career, just become a lorry driver. How long does that go on for that is mental? Oh my word. Some people, like I don't class myself as a great parent.

I think I'm a good parent and I try my best right. I'm not like some sort of super parent here but some people I hear about what they do with their kids I feel like grow a set of bollocks and stop that kid dominating your life. Some of the stuff you see and you just like how is that kid getting away with that. I want to intervene and she's like shut up no. It ain't happened but you can't can't can't can't can't can't can't can't can't can't can't can't can't can't can't in you like in you like in you like in you like in you like in you like in you like in you like in in in in in in in in in in in in in in in in the the the the the the the the the the the the in in in in in the middle of the shops. Bob, I'm not going to lie to you. I've heard how much your children affect your life. Never have I met someone with left self-awareness in my life. But I am not driving, that's what I'm saying, I'm not great, but I'm good. I'm not driving them round for two hours shifts.

What started off as a last resort thing had become their nightly routine and they've been doing it for months. Oh God. Needless to say, the rest of us with issues soon shut up about them as they paled in into insignificant compared to the couple. That's the thing of it! All parenting is, is trying to find someone who's got it worse off than you. Yeah, it's like being in a queue. thi' the th. It's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's like, it's like, it's, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, the the the to. to. to. to. the the the the the the to. to. to. to. to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. the th. th. th. thr. thr. thrown. the. the. the. the. the. thea. the. thea. thea. thea. thea. toooooeses. you in the queue? Yes. That is your parent, I guess. Well, the worst thing is if you get at the back of the queue and then no one joins that queue for 10 minutes, you're like, well, I could have had 10 minutes of just not being here, couldn't I? I could have somewhere else for 10 minutes.

Oh God, that is, tell your partner and then have a bottle of wine. Oh my God. Would you like calming down with some music? Yeah go on let's have some music. So this is from Christopher Hyde. I enjoyed listening to the Doc Brown episode this week, particularly the discussion around getting your children into music that you love. Like Josh, I'm a blur fan. When he was added as his topical mastermind, I got the exact same score as him. It's actually quite annoying. Oh, how did it? Did you win mastermind? Yeah, I did. Who did you beat? I beat. Well, the person who came second was a actor from Emmadale and she, when the show had finished, quite bitterly said to me that my questions had been easier than hers. What was her topic? Black Books, which has only got 12 episodes or 16 episodes or something, said come on mate. Oh yeah, but Bill Bailey that show with Dylan Moran. Yeah, that's two points.

That didn't come up actually. Yeah, but then sometimes the more, the easier topic they go harder on you like. I saw Chris Ramsey do it with sopranoos it was so hard it was like in episode 13 of series six what color pen does tell you to write the check and I was there that day he was the episode before me all right and they asked him a art question about which artists something he said Ralph Harris which wasn't correct and it was actually probably quite problematic for the edit. Good on him I'd love actually probably quite problematic for the edit. Good on him. I'd love to see Mastermind Edit. Who the edit is that? What kind of person? That's like, that's a tough job, isn't it? I suppose they're not trying to make it funny, I don't know. No, no, you're not adding laughs.

No, pump it up there, shall we? Who else was on it with you? Catherine Mary, the 400 meters runner. Yep, I've got it here. Sean Reese Williams. Sean Reese Williams. Catherine Mary. Yeah. Yeah. And Nick Baker, that's it.

Oh my God. Nick Baker's about nine foot tall, and he. Everyone was, everyone thought he went with one of those topics that was really tough, like he went with someone who's not Charles Darwin, but someone involved in the theory of evolution. Oh, you have been absolutely stitched up with his photo. Have you see the photo on the BBC? No, of course not. I'm going to send it to the group and we'll put it on Instagram. You look, you look. He's obviously taller than you anyway, but thah. But, but thah. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi, he's thi, he's thi, he's thi, he's thi, he's obviously taller than you anyway, but you look like a borrower. It's gentle. Absolutely insane. What? Do you see it?

Yeah. You know when I was talking about evolution, that looks like the kind of a scent of man. They were more intelligent back in the day, but they slowly go thicker and bigger. Wow, look, they all look, they're such a serious show, isn't it? Well, you love those Russian dolls. Was that taken before or after? Well, it's difficult to tell. I'm not holding my trophy. No, exactly.

They were strong than I. You look ti – two wives and one son. Yeah, we'll put that on the group, that'd be a bit of fun. Right, sorry, Josh, but any more, any more? Oh no, I haven't finished this email. It wasn't just in pointing in like that. Sorry, God. Yeah, sorry. Are we talking about getting kids into the music you like? Yes. So he said, I'm I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I'm I'm I'm I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. th. th. that. that, we that, we that, we that. that. that, we that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that, we that. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th., I didn't you. Oh, we were talking about getting kids into the music you like. Yes. So, he said, I'm wondering if any of you had heard of the Rockerby Baby series. They are lullaby versions of different songs by bands.

Oh, now my friend Danny and Lucy got us the blur CD of this. So they've done it for loads. Do you want to hear Elton John? Yes. Yeah. Do you want goodbye Yellow Brick Road? Oh, go on then. I like it. It's nice, isn't it? Should I give you a couple of songs and you've got to guess what the songs are? Bit of fun, bit of fun. Is this another one? Yeah, this is athat this is a different band. Oh. Stay away to have them. Ah yes it is. This is the, I'm- That's great. I like it. It's so much better the shit baby bum. This one, I've not heard, I'm really excited. Where can I get get this and where can I burn everything else that they listen to? I've just got it you can buy the CDs so they do CDs of all the different bands. All right.

But this is also if you write rocker by baby into Spotify. What was that bird. Yeah. Right, I'm going to move this one. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Duh, escape from reality. Open your eyes. Do you reckon I can ask to do the vocals? Yeah, I think Rob Beckett's things rock by baby is probably a Christmas.

I mean, if Bradley Walsh and Alexander Armstrong can get number one albums, I'm sure you can. There we go. That is good, isn't it? Really good. I like that. That's because that is what sends you a bit loopy, but if you can have that on in the car, it's quite calming and you'd enjoy it and it's quite a fun game for the adults to guess the song. If you put it's a the the the their th. to guess the song. If you put it on shuffle? Everyone's a winner. So that is rockabye baby. What a tip. If you want to get your kids into popular music? Yeah, okay, swering children. I don't say popular music music from 50 years ago. Yeah, no, no, there's more up-to-date ones. their sormsy. there. No, they haven't got Stormsy. No, got like, um, they've got Taylor Swift I saw there. All right, fair enough, so a few more. Dup one direction.

Yeah, we've got a doubt. Oh, okay. Oh, alright, alright. All right. Right, this is from Bobby Robertson. Oh, what, the left for Dund a swearing child story, more a child getting his words wrong. When on holiday in 2016, walking near New Key Beach, my 12-year-old lad Joe was arguing with his four-year-old brother William.

Lots of your ginger use palette. I have just found a footballer called Bobby Robertson that played for Dumb Dunferman Athletic. Your knowledge of football is better than even you knew. And he was a solid left back. That's so weird, isn't it? It seems like doing a podcast with Uri Gala. Sorry, sorry, let's go back to that. I'll stop Google and Bobby Roberts. Right, go, carry on. Sorry. Sorry. fine. When on holiday 2016, walking in New Key Beach, my 12-year-old lad, Joe, was arguing with his four-year-old brother, William, lots of your ginger, you smell, et cetera, et cetera.

The four-year-old wouldn't let up. The 12-year-old then lost Oh, my God. I didn't see the older one as well. You don't stop bullying me, I'm going to wag you off. The wife and I burst out laughing along with everyone else in his shot and the arguing just stopped. The kids were none the wiser. Now 16, Joe died with embarrassment every time we remind him. Yeah, luckily William still has no idea. There we go. Absolutely superb stuff. Oh William. We're looking for, you know, any of those things? Kids ever threaten to whack someone off in a fit of anger on Nookie Beach, get in touch. Exactly. And you know why it doesn't have to be Newky Beach? We'd accept Temby.

Right, dear Josh and Rob, don't read my name, please, okay. Keep this anonymous, I'll be in trouble otherwise. On the theme of birth and sex, Oh God, here we go. Not quite post-birth, but still worth of mention. mention, I was with a couple who attended hospital in early labour. I talked through all the usual techniques to manage get things moving, go for walk, have some food, have a rest, have sex, etc. We in greed they'd go home and wait for things to progress. I went out for a minute to write up my notes. When I returned

to send them home, they'd wedged an armchair under the door handle and had taken my advice to have sex to get things moving. Oh my God. I've learned my lesson now and make it super clear my advice is go home and have sex. Watching an armchair underneath the door handle that is not supporting the NHS. What I would say is though, I understand sex before to get the baby out obviously way more than immediately after having a baby because I don't know how your wife was, but my wife wanted the baby out of her more than anything in the world. So I can almost imagine, I think sometimes with the sex after birth it's sort of imagine that it's male lead. But I think this very much would be mum screaming at dad to be, do me now so this baby comes out and we don't have to do the commute. And I would I would have done that. I think I could have been... You're a gentleman. You're a gentleman.

I had a scholar. I think I could have been forced into doing that by Lou if she had the looking of eyes of a hormonal heavily pregnant woman. Yes, yes. I wouldn't argue. I just think the embarrassment of then having to kind of remove the chair. Oh God, at least I put the chair there, it could have been worse. Yeah, it could have been worse. As she also adds, I was caring for a lovely couple in labor for many hours. The new moment had been really quiet and shy the whole time, and had now given birth. It's time to do her stitches, during which time she really made the most of the gas and hair. Used it solidly for half an hour or so. When finishing the stitches I said, okay, so the last thing I need to do is just put a finger into your

bottom to make sure that it's all okay. Whoa, whoa, whoa, wow. That seems too plazet. Yeah. I mean, she has to check that it's all sewn up, isn't it? That's a serious tear as well. Oh my god. I just gonna put my finger in your bottom to make sure it's all okay. She's gasped off her face and if you want to know how gasped off her face she is. To this she stopped breathing the gas now for a moment to shout, ha ha ha, I bet you're gutted John you've always wanted to do that to me. He went a lovely shade of red and pretended he hadn't heard while I tried my best not to giggle. Oh wow, that is, what a slam. She's put, I love my job, that's not sarcasm, it's the best job in the world.

There we go. Thank you very much to, thin. Like, I don't think I could handle the pressure of that, but if you're okay with the sort of, like, the sort the sort the sort the sort the sort the sort of like the stress of it and the sort of being able to deliver a baby to a new couple. It must be a lovely thing. Yeah, definitely. But I really don't think I should do it. I don't think it's for you. I think it's the same thing like, you know, people go up to us, oh, your job would be my worst nightmare.

Yeah. You go, well, actually, I really, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. I, I, I, I, I, I th. th. th. th. th. th. I th. I th. th. I th. I th. th. th. th. th. th. thin, I th. th. th. th. thin, I th. th. thin, I th. th. th. thin it. And I think if a job is stressful, but not that our job's particularly stressful, but you know, the things that people would find stressful about our job, we're fine with. And I think it would be the same for the things we would find stressful about being a midwife. So what you're saying is you that coming out of there? I, well I'd faint, I'd faint within seconds.

Oh my god, it's all, it's so, I think the reason why our job's easier for us so is because we are dead inside now. Where we had so much public, when do you have so much public shame? After like eight pints of on after like eight pints of lager all the other alcohol doesn't matter anymore. That means you're in that space. Yeah. That's how I'd equate it and I'm basically in my career now and think you're the same judge. I'm I'm eight pints in of shame. Yeah. So does that not much more can happen? This is, this is, the worst thing about being eight points in Rob into your career is you do know that you're going home very soon.

Yes. And the hangover is going to be real. It's going to be 20 years and it's going to involve Panto strictly, I'm not a celebrity and crying because I'm not going to lie Rob. Strictly, they're really up in the level of their booking, so you do need to get him fast on that one. Now, I imagine that no, I'll do it, I'll do it a bit later on. Oh no, what?

Not really? Not really enough to do it. Okay, how is the dog situation, Rob? mole. This is called subject dogs. How is the dog situation Rob? I suppose half terms set it back? Yes, massively the thought of a dog. No, it's been pushed back until our youngest starts a primary school. So that'll be the earliest we'd get so two more years. So it's on the back burner. And also I think Romish is getting a dog and I want to see how that pans out. Right. So, having heard Rob discussing getting a dog,

I just wanted to share my experience of adding a puppy to a household with two young kids, both at primary and two older cats. And two older cats. In short, I don't know what we were thinking. So what have they got? They've got two older cats and two kids in primary school? Yes. Okay. Just to give you a flavor of things, we have a nocturnal dog. He wakes up at 7 p.m. just as we are trying to put the kids to bed. And he's awake then until one in the morning and barks if he isn't entertained. He treats my youngest like a chew try and put the dog in a crate to sleep, he howls and barks until he's let out. In order to cope, I'm currently sleeping on a blow-up bed in the lounge.

No. Thankfully, it's mostly got the hang of going outside of the toilet, but still has the odd accident. Earlier in the week, my son was reading to me, and my wife. Next thing the smell hits me, he's done two massive piles of wet shit on the lounge carpet. Oh God. Obviously we're going to get help with all this and he's nice company I suppose but I wouldn't recommend it to anyone else. He hates it. He hates it. He hates it.

No, no one believes with that caveat at the end of that. No, that he had that he to whe to whe he he he he he he he. He he. He he. He he. He he. No. he. he. he. he. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. thathe tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. Obviously. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. Obviously. Obviously. Obviously. Obviously. tho. Obviously. Obviously. tho. tho. Obviously. tho. th. th. th. th. th. th. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. Obviously. tho. Obviously. Obviously. Obviously. Obviously. tho. Obviously, thoooooooooooooooo. Obviously, the thoooooooooo. Obviously, thooo. Obviously. Obviously. Obviously, tho. Obviously. If he was honest, I've had a fucking howler and I want to get rid of it, but I can't. Well it is a fucking howler if you don't entertain it before one a time. That's one of the worst, biggest negative points of this dog. But what everyone has said is, when you have a dog, the first year, you have to dedicate your life to it, like, to be a child, to be so it knows all the expectations of it and get it like sorted out because then that's the dog you have for the rest of your life. Thank you for all your emails. It's a pleasure reading them. This is how to get in touch. Email us, hello at lockdown parenting.coad at UK or tweet us at lockdown parents or Instagram lockdown underscore parenting. you can also send us stuff PO Box 76748 London E99DW. Now Rob,

it's been an absolute pleasure Rob would you like to end with some more rockabide baby? Oh yes please. Would you like to end with Madonna? Oh or would you like to end with Fleetwood Mac? Oh Fleetwood Mac. Thank you for listening. We'll be back on Tuesday. What's happened to us? You used to be on Radio X. Right, see you on Tuesday. Bye.