Parenting Hell with Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe - S01 EP60: Tom Allen

Episode Date: November 20, 2020

ROB BECKETT & JOSH WIDDICOMBE'S 'LOCKDOWN PARENTING HELL' - S01 EP60: Tom AllenJoining us in the studio this episode to discuss the highs and lows of parenting (and life) during the lockdown and beyond is the brilliant comedian and presenter, Tom Allen. Tom's amazing new book 'No Shame' is available now in hardback, kindle and audiobook. Enjoy. Rate and Review. Thanks. xxx If you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @lockdownparent INSTAGRAM: @lockdown_parentingA 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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and member terms apply hello I'm Josh Whitakam welcome to lock down welcome to lockdown the show in which Rob and I to be a parent during lockdown which I would say can be a little tricky. So in an effort to make some kind of sense of the current situation. And to make me feel better about my increasingly terrible parenting skills. Each episode will be chatting to a famous parent about how well they're coping. Or hopefully not. And we will be hearing from you the listener with your tales of lockdown parenting woe. Because let's be honest, none of us know what we're doing. I mean we don't know whether our sound quality is any good, do we? You sound

right to me. Yeah and you sound right to me, let's do this. Hopefully it sounds right to everyone else. I mean, what else can you do? Like, you sound all right, so I don't know what I'd suggest to make it better. I think you're a bit trebly. Yeah, can you just lower the gain? I don't know what that is. I know what ways and trouble is. I don't know what gain is. Surely you don't want less gain. No one wants less gain. People at home are sat there going fucking out guys could do with a bit less gain

on this. I've had to stop listening to them so, gainy. That's a gain everywhere. Right, do you do to do the intro? Yes, hello. Hello and welcome to Lockdown Parents in Hell with George Beckett and George Widdickham. George Beckett and George Widdickam. So that is from Sylvan Nichols. This is, yeah, her son Angelo, who is, fourth birthday was on October the 9th. He has regressed in his toilet training recently, since the birth of his sister, three months

ago. He seems to want to go anywhere except the actual toilet. We have found turds under the kitchen table behind the door and even next to the toilet. A few weeks ago, he urgently needed to do it when we went out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out, to to to do a wee when we went out to buy ice cream. He would have wet his pants but in a frantic panic we pulled down his trail and indicated him to discreetly do it between two cars in a very busy Central London High Street thinking that people would turn the blind eye but who only went and got out the cars but Linda Robson from birds of a feather.

Oh she's a lovely woman. Yeah I bet she is. If you were going to shit behind a car, it would be Linda Robsons. You choose Linda Robsons? Yeah, little facts about Linda Robson. Joe Swash lost his virginity in her family bathroom. Oh, my word. So seeing someone shit behind your cars, neither here nor there. We're wearing Spider-Man socks, but that was more of an indication that he was quite immature for an older age than he was too young to lose his virginity. So what kind of weird ITV sex party was it? It was the birds of the feather rap party he had a bit part as a burglar. Um, oh you like that, didn't you, John? It's my kind of humour. Should we let everyone know what's going on here? Michael's just takes to say, give me three minutes.

His phone died overnight and he slept through it. So let's say the situation. Oh, as he texted back? He's just texted us. Well, I'm going to tell him, we've started recording. Give us five minutes. Right, tell the world what our setup is. Basically, we agree 10 a.m. Sunday to record the podcast

for the following week goes out on Tuesday. And we're already bright and early, at me, Josh. Yeah, I've been ready for hours. Yeah, you are on fire this morning, Josh. I'm very impressive what you've done. Michael, the producer, no answer, nothing, zilch, no response, kept on ringing him, he's just text now. I mean, it's 10 a.m.

What kind of syshowslowsl... The thought he's not got children of someone oversleeping. Oh my god. Till quarter past 10 is one of the most astonishing things I've ever heard in my life. Also also also also also also also also also also also also also also also also also also also also also also also also also also also also also also also also also also also. Also also. ever heard in my life. Also, oversleeping and being late is probably one of the worst things you can do at work, right? And I would say if your work is producing a parenting podcast where the hosts moan about lack of sleep, it's surely the worst place to have oversteped. Anyway, we've managed to

sort out our own recording. Yeah, well you've done that Josh, you went, I've worked out, I've just need to sign up to this website and I can send you a link and it'll be fine. So let's find out, it's fine. You can be the judge guys because we're going to end this recording and start up with Michael. So this has all been set up by Josh Riddocum. Okay? Yeah, I've got no to save it or anything like that. So you may to hear hear hear this this tho. tho. tho. th. th. th. th. thi. to to thi. to to to to to thi. to to to to to to thi. to to to to to to to to to tho thi. thi. tho tho tho tho tho tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. to find th. th. to to to to to to to to to to to to tooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. to. to. to th. th. th. th. th. to stop this now and then we're going to start a new recording with Michael and you can maybe let us know the difference and potentially if we need to get rid of Michael. Because at this rate we're flying on our own guys. We are but if I ever have to if I ever have to edit this we're in serious trouble. Oh well I could edit it I could edit it well if I was to edit it it would just be the bit a bit a a a a a a bit a bit a bit a bit a bit a bit a bit a bit a bit the bit the bit the bit the bit the bit the bit the bit the bit the bit the bit the bit the bit the the the th I th I th I th I was I was just I was just I was just I was I was I was just I was just I was just just to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was just I was just I was just I was just I was just I was just I was just I was just I was just I was just I was just I was I was just I was I was just I was just. th. I was I was just I was I was just. I was just I was just I was just I was just I was just I was just I was just I was to edit it, it would just be the bit about Joe Swash losing his vignity. That would be the whole thing. Yeah, and we would get cancelled in about two weeks, but what a couple of weeks of shows? Stuff would release. Right, okay, let's stop this one.

Josh, you're in charge and then we'll come back in a minute. So, listeners, we're back, we're back. Hello Michael. Hello. How are you feeling this morning? I'm a bit tired, a bit groggy. How long have you been, how long have you actually been awake for? Because it's like it's 1033 now, 1035 now? When I woke up and I'd glance over and it was 1019. Oh, okay so yeah, you're barely awake. How can I got a quick question? I'm sure Josh has got some for you. How is it possible to oversleep and be late for a job that is in your own house? Because you were technically at work? Yeah. So you weren't late to work, you got there, but you were just to sleep at work. Well, the worst thing is, like I didn't even have a true, to the to' try to the thr....... th th th th th th to be. to be. to be. to be. to be. to be late night night night night night night night night night night night night night night night night night night night night night night night night night night night night night night night. to to to to to to be. to be. to be. to the to be. to be. to be to be to be to be to be. to be to be to be. to be to be to be. to be. to be. to be. to be. to be. to be. to be. to be. to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the the the the the to to the to the the th. th. to the th. th. the th. the th. the the the. the the the the the the. the their. th. the. toe. toe. toe. to. to just had a really busy week. Went to bed exhausted. I mean it's about 1 a.m. by the time we got to bed which is quite early. Oh my gosh, that is a late night. You mad bastard! 1 a.m? That's really early for me. I'm a night owl.

Oh, I'm a night out. was because I was getting up. It wasn't because I was going to bed. Also, as well, I don't know if you want to do this on air, Josh, but there's also been a couple of issues with the podcast going up day late. I don't know if you wanted to sort of apologize or explain to the listener. I am sorry listeners. The barrage of social media messages that we get tells me. that it it the the that it th. th. the th. th. the th. th. the th. th. the th. th. th. th. th. the th. th. the th. thi. the th. the the th. the the th. thi. I thi. I'm th. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I th. I to th. I to to to to th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I'm. I'm th. I'm t. I'm t. I'm to. I'm to. I'm today. I'm. I'm. I'm. today. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm t, the barrage of social media messages that we get tells me it does matter. Precisely when it does. It's just a podcast, guys, but no, no, it really does matter.

All I can say is it's been a very, very busy two weeks for me. A little shameless plug. I've had a feature documentary in the cinemas. Oh, so he turns up late and now he's plugging his film. I'm like Russell Crow. I I just just just I just just I just I just I just I just I just just I just just I just I just just I. I'm like Russell Crow I just rock off don't give a fuck. Yeah you've been you had a film out haven't you? Yes so that's been a very busy distraction which is it's done now because I say it's done they close the cinemas so they fuck us over. So yeah that's a plug for a film you can't go and see? but it is available on Amazon and etc.

On... Yes, it is on VOD if you want to rent or buy. What's it called? What? I can't bear this? I can't... Michael, you're not the king of promo. You've got to stay what it's called? I can't believe the that. I can't believe the, the thi-I. thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is. the they. toe, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is. to, is. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. the. toe. the toe. to. to. to. to. If you enjoyed the last dance, the Michael Jordan Netflix documentary, then I think you're like this. One Man in Issues. About trainers, about trainers, it's about marketing. It's about corporate accountability. I wouldn't lead with corporate accountability. I wouldn't lead with

corporate accountability on the, you know, if mentioned that it's about Michael Jordan as well. It's about Michael Jordan. Yeah, it leads with Michael Jordan. And then, there's a reason why I'm behind the mic. Yeah, thanks. Well, yeah, well, thank you. Well, thank you, Michael, thank you. episodes and you've had a busy time but you know we're all getting through this lockdown together aren't we so he won't judge and yeah my parents had to really listen to a Daisy May Cooper episode the other day because they were

also I do think it's a bit unfair when they get furious about a free podcast being a bit like you know just tell me about it just you know just back to their they. Just back off a bit yeah you've not you you've not you've not you've not you've not you've not you've not you th not th not th not th not th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th their th th th th th that that their their to their their their to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their. their their their their their their today. their they. they. they. the their their their their their the's the worst episode ever. It's like we're giving you this for free. Should we up, Michael, should we crack on and then you can, you know, work at your next documentary about corporate accountability or tax evasion stuff like that. All right, over to you guys. Thanks, Michael. Well, I think we've more or less done Monday's episode. Well, I think we've more or less done Monday's episode. Well, I've, honestly, I've thought Michael's been putting out the first episode of the week, late for six months. I don't know what... That's how laid back you are, just I don't want to mention it to me. It has been six, fifty episodes now, a day late. A couple of things. No more nappies. No more nappies. Nigh. Night. Night. Night. Night. Night. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's that's th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. that's that's that's that's that's thi. that's thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. th. thies. Nighttime nappies has been vanished. Yes. You might have changed your last nappy, Rob.

Well, I want to be a modern dad, but I want to be an old-fashioned granddad. I do not want to do nappies ever again. I want to be an old-fashioned granddad, sat in a chair with slippers and sort of grandchildren are brought to me like a sort of old school Victorian businessman. And now they're there, they look nice. I don't want to see them dirty. I don't want to do a nappy. I don't want to feed them.

I just want them to be brought to me when they look nice. But as a dad, I'll do it all. But as a granddad, that's going to be my aim. So, but no more. to give me a yes or a no. Yeah. Okay, so nappies? No. Getting them to sleep in the early days because your daughter's struggling. No. Taking them one-on-one to the zoo. Yes, when they're older.

Yes when they're older. I hate holding babies, Josh. Do you? Even my own. I don't want to get anywhere near him. too much pressure and stress and it's fragile and it's like having a tray of like eight pints a laga. It's just nothing could be improved from having a baby in your arm it could only dramatically get worse. So you've held your last baby and I've changed my last nappy and I'm tapping it. I don't want, I just hate it. You don't, you never, oh you get used to it, you never get used to it. You never get used to it. You I've held my last baby and I've changed my last nappy and I'm tapping out.

I don't want, I just hate it. You don't, you never, oh you get used to it, you never get used to wiping shit out of an ass and I'll say that as a man with experience of it. You just, it's awful. Have you stopped with your own ass as well? Yeah, I just leave it now. I just wait until the sprinklers. garden and wash my arse hair like some sort of outdoor bee day. You'll love this as well, that was so the three-year-old was no nappies also the three-year-old

said to me the other day and I was a walking her back from nursery it's quite a busy sort of street she's sort of saying hello and stuff all the time and she said to me dad that why'd you call people mate their time and she's they're to to to to th why why why why why why th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th that that that that that that that that that that the that that th th th th th th th tho tho their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their they they they they they they th th th th th th th th th th th that that that that that that that that that that that that that the the the the the the the the the the the the the the they that they. So she's picked up, they are like, mate, mate, mate, mate. Like those seagulls in finding it, isn't that? They just really made me laugh. Why do you say mate all the time? Oh, you're raising someone who's of a different social class to yourself, Rob. That is, I know. That is very clear.

Yeah, basically I'm breeding the enemy. You're breeding the enemy. Yeah. The nightmare. Genuinely, you feel like you're in, feel quite chipper. I'm pretty chipper actually. Yeah, it's been pretty good. I think that the second lockdown it's like, with the kids go to school, it makes all the difference really. Yeah. Because, you know, and we can go to parks, you know, we record this Sunday morning. this is the worst weather weather weather, we the weather, we the weather, we the weather, we the weather, we the weather, we the weather, we the weather, the weather, the the the the the the the the the to to the to the their, their, their, their, their, th. We'll th. thi. thi, th. th. thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. Feel, feel feel feel feel feel feel feel feel feel, feel, feel, feel, feel, th. th. th. thi, feel, feel, feel, feel, thi, feel, thi, feel, thi. thi. thi. thi. Feel, the the thi. Feel, the thi. Feel, thi. Feel, the thi. Feel, the thi. Feel, thi. Feel, thi, thi, in South East London as decided to take the kids to heave a castle on her own in a monsoon. I said just staying out, just staying doors and give them sweets and she's like, no, they'll go man, I'm taking them out.

So she literally took like torrential rain. We went to Epping Forest in the rain yesterday. And that was very nice indeed and then the whole way around because we'd been before my daughter was like, are we gonna get the small biscuits afterwards? Okay. Which because there's a little kind of refreshment shack we'd only been once before three months ago but her main memory was getting a bag of mini chedders so she was just going on and on saying are we gonna get the small biscuits are we gonna get the small biscuits that going to get the small biscuits?

That, so this is that what happened with the mini shedders, we got to the refreshment thing. And bear in mind, Rob, this was in the year 2020, cash only. Oh, who's not paying tact on mini cedres? Come on, that's some self-respect. So we couldn't get other mini-chedders. Oh no, cashless Whittakum! The media elite finally tripped up in Essex. And then another parent curing up said, we'll buy other mini-chedders. The people behind us bought us the mini-chedars.

That is lovely. Absolutely lovely. And they say Britain is broken, no cheddar, no cheddar, no cheeteddars. No cheddar, no cheddars. That's what they said. We should say that these people might well have been paying tax. They just enjoyed cash, but come, get yourself a little card machine. Anyway, they might have had bad signal in the forest. They might have had bad signal in the forest.there's no fact based on this. Normally though, if someone only takes cash, I'm suspicious. I know I'm talking as a son of a black cab driver. Yeah, so.

Yeah, I'm on a very, very anti-card machines. You're the son of a black cab driver, you're on a TV show with Jimmy Car, you know people Rob. Yeah, I'm on a, I'm on a HMRC watch list. No poor or my own. Everyone thinks a bluff ball. Don't you worry. Back to school signals a fresh start for students. New classmates, new teachers, new lessons. Change is in the air.

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What does Possible sound like for your business? It's having to spend to power your scale with no preset spending limit. Redefine possible with Business Platinum. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Terms and Conditions of Live. Visit Amex. tox. Tom Allen. Hello. Wow. What a great introduction. Thank you, Joe.

Wow. You don't over do it. You're not very American. Wow, what a great introduction. Thank you, Joe. Wow, you don't overdo it. You're not very American with your introductions, are you, I was gonna say. You might know him. Some bleak expectations on radio four. Winner of So you think you're funny? 2000 and what? Five. Five. Author, podcaster, writer, comedian, alcoholic. Probably. Mine man. That's much better. I don't know why I was, because literally, I don't know if your listeners will hear this,

but Rob went, all right, Josh, you introduced Tom. And then I was expecting like a proper rundown a bit like what you've just done and then you just go, it's Tom. No, you didn't even say that. You went, Tom Allen, hello. Oh yeah. Do you worry that if you don't get your kind of description and credits read at the start, you're not kind of sure what character you're bringing into the interview? Is that you're worried?

That's my, that's my fear. I want people to know what that bloke. Oh, it's that one. What do people say to you in the street, Tom, when they say, if they're not quite sure of your name, they'll go, oh you're that, have they got a thing? Because they will say to me, you're the bloke with the teeth or jungle. I forgot, I forgot that you're a jungle. Yeah, if you feel me and then that's the one the one. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. the one the one the one the one the one the one the the the the the the the the the the the the th. th. they're not they're not they're not they're not they're not they're not they're not they're not they're not they're not they're not they're not they're not they're not they're not they're not they're not they're not. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. they's. they're they're they're they're the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. I th. I's th. I's they're not. I's not. I're not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm. they're not. I'm. I'm. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm hello, is that, they usually are nice, and then as I walk away, they go, that's the bloke, no, that's the one from, no, not that one, the other one. I'll say something to them. We should clear up at the start, Tom. How many, so how many kids have you got? None that I know of none. He can be very confident on that. that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, tho, tho, thi, thi, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, th is th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th is th is th is thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, tho, tho, they they they they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're thoooooooooooo, tho, tho, tho, but also I know that I have none. I know that I have none.

He can be very confident on that. Confidently none. And Lord knows I've tried. So Rob, why have we booked Tom? Why? Well, I think the reason we booked Tom is. He has a USB microphone. He has a nice microphone. Oh, he forgot the cable. Yeah, one he was available. No. Tom's very funny, which is th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. that. that. that. that. that. that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that th. th. that. th. th. that. th. th. that. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. the. the. the. the. tho. the. tho. the. the. tho. that that th. that th. that one he was available. No, one, Tom's very funny, which is always great for a podcast, but also, Tom, you still live at home with your parents. And this show is Lockdown Parenting Hell about being, you know, locked in with your kids. So we thought we'd get the other side of it.

And a lot of the children that are at home through lockdown are too young to appear on a podcast but you are only just old enough to explain what it's like. 37 and at home of your parents so how is that? You know what actually I do like it. I don't know there are times when it's a bit stressful like I don't I don't have my own television for example so and I'm always a bit conscious of me. Do they not let you have one in your room Tom? No I'm not allowed to run. It. It their their in your room, Tom? No, I'm not allowed. It's lights out at 9. Yeah. I was, do you know what? I was never allowed a television as a child,

and it was only when the neighbors were throwing away an old black and white one that you had to I go back to my parents, I can revert to being a child sometimes, we argue over things and I'm like, I'm 34 but I'm arguing with my mom like I'm 13. Do you obviously, like, you know, normally it's like, but sometimes slip into those old sort of habits. No, actually, we sort of moved a bit beyond that I the one thing I found well during lockdown is so they will they have their own televisions each have one each which is very nice they'll watch

almost constantly channel five farming programs especially my dad who loves to say like come and have look at this to come and have a look at this and I walk in it'll be like a cow and I've seen a cow tom look at look at the cow's tongue to have to the to have have have have have have have have have have I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I the the the the the the the the the the the to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the to the to to to the to to to to to to to to to to to to But have you seen a cow's tongue, Tom? Yes, probably on that farming program I have, yeah, and Countryfile. They love farming programs. We live in the suburbs. So there's that, I don't mind that, but I did find, we didn't argue, but I realized I was sort of going, oh, I'm going up for a walk, as thrown. I was going up for a walk, as their a their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their thoompermoomorrow, their their thoombs, they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they they they they their. their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their. their. their their their their their. their their their thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thrown. thrown. thrown. thoooooomoomorrow thooomorrow thooooomorrow. thoooomorrow thrown. thooomorrow, the time. Like, it's my time. It's my life. I'm allowed to go up for a walk whenever I want.

I don't need to ask anyone's permission or tell them. But like now I've been able to go back to work and stuff. I find that's, I bury it deep down inside and then in for dinner, what are you doing tomorrow? Well, potentially I have like 11 things on in a day, which range from recording a television program to doing Josh and Rob's podcast, that's at one end, down to maybe a conversation with my accountant about VAT or something. And so, you know, and they're like, they sort of want to know all of that and I go what did I tell them they don't they're not able to just go I can't just go well I'm doing Robin Josh's

podcast they're like what well what's that about and then I'll have to give them like a briefing on that and I'm like I don't why am I'm briefing life and I'm finding it hard enough to keep on top of it myself and I don't know if I'm going to be home for dinner or not. Do you know what I find most troubling about that? Are they not aware of what our podcast is about? Are they not across the iTunes charts? They don't know what podcasts are. I do like podcasts are throwns, but the waybrand, like Radio 4 has literally been a podcast machine for the last 100 years and it's only in the last six months people are like, oh my god, this this brand new thing, I just really got into podcast, I just really got into podcast, I just really

thrown, it's a fucking radio program, sorry. I'm swearing, I don't know if this is single. That's fine, you know what, that's fine. That's that's that's th. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. That's fine. You're th. That's fine. That's fine. You're th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. that. the the the thi. thi. thi. the the the the the the the last. the last. the last. the last. the last. the last. the last. the last. the last. the last. the last. the last. the last. the last. the last. the the last. It. It. It's the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. It's th. Yeah, but I should point out I am recording this in a vicarage. I'm not going to tell people why. I just want them to I'm recording it in a vicarage and and so I do feel bad about swearing in the vicarage. Could I ask a question then? So you're 37 you've lived with your parents. What's your history with living with your parents? I moved out when I was like 23 and I lived away for about seven years and mom and dad hated it. Like they really disliked it. And I lived in. How far did you live? Kentish town and Camden. So the other side of London in a way. And they were just a gas that I was spending this money on rent, which was like at the time wasn't really that much in the context of London rent. But they were like what the time the time the time the time the time the time. It was the time. It was the time. It was the time. It was the time. It was the time. It was the time. It was really the time. It was really the time. It was really the time. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was really. It was really th. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was really. It was really. It was really. It was really. It was really. It was really. It was really. It was really. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was really. It was. It was. It was really. It was really. It was really. It was really. It was really. It was really. It was really. I. It was like. It was like. I was like. I was like. It was like. I was like. I was like. It was like. I was. It was like. I was really. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was in the context of London rent, but they were like, what? You're spending that much to live in this house. That's all, and they had no concept of like, but why would you

want, like, if I turned out and have gone, because I want to see what it's like to be an adult and live on my own, they would have been like, what, what's that? They were like, you just stay at home, then their........... And their their their their their. And, their. And, their, their. And, their, their, their, their, their. I. I, their, their, their, their, their, their, their. They'd their, their, their, their, their, their. They's, their. And, their. And, their. And, their. And, their. And, their. And, their. And, their. And, their. And, their. And, their. And, their. And, their. And, their. And, their. And, their. And, their. And, their. And, their. And, their. And, their. And, their. And, their. And, their, their. And, their. And, their. And, their. And, their. And, their. And, their. And, their. And, and all safe. And so they had no, they would like, particularly my dad, when I lived in an ex-council flat in Houston, my dad was like, why do you live in here? Why do you live here? It was, they took it so personally. They had no idea about why somebody in their 20s would want to like live independently with friends in the middle of a city. They were like, they weren't like, wow, this is fun. You're going to have a great time living here. There was like, none of that.

It was like, what? Why until that then became like guilt and fear. So then I moved back. I moved back because I was like, I'm going to save for my own, try and save it for my own place. And that was seven years ago. And then it's it, th so, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th. th. th. th. What, like, th. What, th. What, th. What, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what??. then?. then, what, what?. then, what?. then, what?. then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, like, like, like, like, like, thi. then, then, like, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, that, then, then, that, that, that, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, th don't want you to go and you feel a bit guilty about going or do you also really like it at home or is it a bit of both? A bit of both I think. Like I think at one part I am like they guilt tripped me a bit and I feel bad about the idea of leaving but then I actually realize I do like it because I have company that if I lived on my own then you know I'd get back late and then I wouldn't you you you you you you you you you you the the the they I th you th you th you th you th you th you th I th and I th and I thin thin thin thin thin thin th I th I the the the the thin thin thin the the thi thi thi the. I the. I the. I the. I the. I the. the. thin the the the thin thin th. thin thin. th. th. thin. th. thin. thin. I thin. I thin. I thin. I thin. I thin. I thin. I thin thin. I thin the the the the the the the the the the thee the the the the the the the the the the the when I get in and then I wake up in the morning and there'd be no one you know what I mean they want

to chat to whereas mom and dad of course are up early watching Frazier followed by Lorraine. So they're... What morning? You can move in with me that's what I do as well. Perfect. So they're um I don't I don I sort of think, well it's quite, I quite like being around them. But it's that weird. I think that's probably weird of me. I'm tugging at the apron strings. Sometimes I'm a sort of person, and the sort of person they quite enjoyed marching off to the First World War, I think. Yeah. I don't know if you are, Tom. I don't know if you are, Tom. to. to. to. to. they. to. they. to. they. they. to. th. th. th. thin, thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. the the the the the that's probably probably probably probably probably probably, the the the th th th that's probably, th th that's probably probably, th the that's probably probably probably probably, th th th the thi. that's probably probably probably probably probably, th th thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. It, probably, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th I think I think sometimes the perception of you is that you've lived at home forever but you did live away for a bit and then you moved back in with them and stuff and as your you know comedy career really sort of took off and you become like basically a national

treasure and you're everywhere and like you've not really had much time like it's a bit of a sweet deal really because you're so busy you. And then that's when the work will dry up and I'll have no way to pay for it and I'll have to sell myself. I think you'll have to move back in your parents. Yeah I'm ready to have the house. I've got two two follow-up questions Tom. Go on because I'm genuinely fascinated by this. I feel like I'm genuinely I'm genuinely I'm genuinely I'm genuinely I'm genuinely I'm genuinely I'm genuinely I'm genuinely I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I that I that I feel like I can can't like I can can't like I can't like I can't like I can't like I can't like I can't like I can't like I can't like I can't like I can't like I can't that I can't like I can't like I can't like I can't like like that I can't like that I can't like that I can't that I can't that I can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can that I can can can can can can that I can can can that I can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can lot of questions that have been building up for a time here. Yes Why haven't you got a girlfriend? No, um so Yeah Question never found the right I nearly I nearly ruined the whole podcast

But really being sick my coffee over the laptop then and I still haven't swatted it probably So question one how big is the house? Like have you got how much of your own space have you got? I've got a bedroom? I've th. th. th. th. I? I th. I th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the the the the th. the the the the the the th. the th. th. th. th. th. the the the th. th. th. th. their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. I. I. I. I. I. I the the the the th. I th. I th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm the the the the the house? Like have you got, how much of your own space have you got? I've got a bedroom and I've got, and I use this, there's like a spare bedroom that's a study, so I use that. Yeah. And how much, do you own any of your own things? Like your own crockery or? I bought, oh I've got a couple of plates. But I bought two chairs once. th. th. I, th. I, th. I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I was, I, I was, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. tho, tho, tho, tho, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. It, th. It, th. It, th. It, th. It, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, th. th. th. th. thed. thed. tho. tho. tho. tho. thoooo. thoooo. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. thed. thed. thed bought two chairs once from made.com and dad was like, why are you wasting your money on that? You should be saving for a house.

I was like, you, what? Do you need something to put in it, dad? I might need something. Yeah, do you know what I mean? If you don't actually, you've never bought a bed though. I could be a heroin addict. And do you have any siblings? Yes, I have a younger brother. And he lives in Tunbridge Wells. So he's flying the nest.

Yeah. I know, how has that gone down? Well, they love it. Like, mom and dad loved Tumbridge Wells. But, like, he said to me, oh, I just bought this flat. I didn't ask mom and dad about it. And I just th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. to to to to to to to to to to tho. to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to their. And, I their. And, I. And, I. And, I. And, I. And, I. And, I. And, I. And, I. And, I. And, I. And, I. And, I. And, I. And, I. And, I, I, I. And, I th. And, I th. And, I th. And, I th. And, I tho. And, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm. And, th. And, toe. And, toe. And, to. And, to. And, to. And, th. And, I th it. And I think that's the way they like to get a bit involved, you know, they like to be like, oh well I wouldn't buy, well you want to lift it, well, you've got to think about, well, and then there's this and then there's that, you know, every time I looked at a fact they're like, well, you got to think really. Didn't you buy like a cushion or chair or something and then your mom rearranged it or booted my room in a beautiful way and then mom went with

auntie Christine to Dunnelm and Croydon and came back with this like absolutely not sanctioned not approved lamp which was horrible emitted no light light. It was like that like rip off fake rose gold and and a filament light bulb inside and I was like what's this dog shit and a massive blue like an orange pillow which I didn't want I don't have the orange in my room and I was like the one thing I made for myself and you like try to put your own stamp on it like just stay in Dunnel all this shit sorry it's sounding a bit angry at this, isn't it? No, it's not fine, isn't it?

I was gonna say, and do you, like, would you want to have kids yourself? Or is it not? Absolutely not. No, you can keep that. Because you've spent time with my children and Josh's daughter. They've only just stopped crying their their their their their their their their their their their they've stopped stopped stopped their their. to stop stop to stop to stop to stop. to stop. to stop. their. tie. tie. tie. to stop. to tho. to stop. to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have. to have. to have. to have. to have. to have. to have. to have. to have. to have. to have. to have. to have. to to to to to to to tie. tie. tie. tie. tie. the a the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. today, the. to to to the. tod let's be honest. No, that's only because you've got a deep voice. But you do say that, it's not. It's because they, the children see the poison in my soul. But, um, and it terrifies them. But they, I'm okay with it now. I don't, like, I used to worry about it, but I actually, I don't care. I do genuinely love. I do genuinely, I do genuinely, I do genuinely, I do genuinely to to to to to to the to the to the their, to their, their, to their, their, their, their, to to their, to to to worry, to worry, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their both your children's and I do really love them, but I'm not going to start like making effort with new ones.

You know what I mean? You've got some that you half like? Yeah, well, if someone's got a child now they want to introduce me to and it doesn't like me, I'm not going to worry about it. You know what would you ever start, I'm going to start buying it or anything like that, it's a waste of time. They don't appreciate it anyway. Never said a thank you, no. If you were to have kids though, Tom, what kind of parent do you think you'd be? Oh, awful. Put them straight in an orphanage.

Yeah. Awful. Get rid. No, but just from the point of view, you were obviously, an exvert of approach life. So do you think that would have an impact on how you would have been a parent if like how would you if you were your own son how would you have parented you as a child obviously being a bit different and if people don't know

your book's incredible no shame it's about your sort childhood and growing up to become a comedian and stuff and how different you were and you'd, you know, you'd dress up in all these flamboyant outfits and stuff and almost just pretend to be a Victorian type character of your own life. How do you think your parents parented you in the right way like that you would have done it or you know? I think I always feel a bit bad that I talk about them and I get like annoyed with them on stage and stuff but I think you know fundamentally can you imagine like they just innocently decided to have a family and then they were presented with this I mean talk about like what it looks like on the website and what it turns up as and and you know and I think that they kind of they were suddenly presented with this like flamboyant character who couldn't connect with other children because he felt like it was 46 years old.

And that's quite a tall order, isn't it? A coach driver from Penge. And you know, and I just sort of wanted to be this flamboyant character all the time and who wanted to just sort of be treated as an adult. And I think that was hard for them. You know, my dad was brought up and, you know, my dad was born during the Second World War, you know, very different. So I think they did their best, really. And I do have to acknowledge that, but I think if I was doing it different, I don't know, I like, you know, you like to go like, oh, well, of course, I'd be like, I'd have so much time and I'd honor every feeling. the feeling every feeling every feeling every feeling every feeling every feeling every feeling, and they they they they they they they they they they they'd they'd they'd they'd they'd they'd they'd they'd they'd they'd they'd they'd they'd they'd they'd they'd they'd they'd they'd they'd they'd have they'd have they'd have they'd have they'd have they'd have they'd have they'd they'd have they'd have they'd have they'd have they'd have they'd have they'd have they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they'd have they'd have they'd have. And I, and I, I, I they'd have. And I'd have. And, I'd have, I'd have. I'd have, to to th. I'd have, to th. I'd have, th. I'd have, th. I'd have they're they're they're they're they're they're they're, Ito be honest, my parents have always been very caring and in a time. Oh yeah, they're such lovely people. They all they love you so much and everything's been

they're best interested in there. I want to say no, that sounded like you're being sarcastic, but I know you're not. Oh yeah, yeah, they're such lovely people. They love you so much. They are, the kindest, because I've, you know, me and some are really good powers. I spent a lot of time with his parents. They're the loveliest people and they're just proper like, sort of, like, sort of, they're, sort of, well, aren't they? And they're so supportive. They're very supportive. But I think, if anything, in a way, I think it probably would have been easier to kind of go gallivanting off and living in Camden if they hadn't cared as much.

Does that sound ridiculous? That sounds terrible. Yeah, of course. Also, the feel protective overview of like of, you know, growing up in South East London. It's quite a fairly rough and tough place. It's not a tough place. It's not the worst place. tech socks but you had high tech socks. That's a sad case. I know there's such a big thing

but then I'm worried about that and like trying to cover up what socks I've got and you're walking around with like a bowler hat and a and a and you know this mad stuff which is like a target they must have thought oh my like you're too sensitive, stop being oversensitive. And I'd be like, they're literally throwing things out. Like, But what I'd say about Tom is, Tom, you most people and comedians are an exaggerated version of them on stage.

I'd say you've calmed down since a childhood. Yeah, I did calm down because I thrown up because. because when I started doing stand-up in 2005, if you were too weird, people would be like, you know, I said this before, I said this before, but I would turn up at gigs, like, where they'd be like, stag parties and hen parties. And I'd walk out there going like,

oh, has anybody seen the film at Emily? And then start talking about, when I worked to there would be few, these braying hen parties and stag parties would be like, what the fuck is this? Because they're not particularly in the mood for like listening to some enduring anecdotes. So, so yeah, I did have to turn it down and explain myself question. This on stage because otherwise I think people would have this. What is this? You did have an umbrella as well, which th. th. the th. th. the thi. the thi. thi. they. thi. they. they. thu, thu, thu, thu, thu, thu, they. thu, their is, their their their their, their is their their their, their, their, their, their, their, their is, their is, their is, their is, the f. the f. the f. the f. the f. the f. the f. the f. the f. the f. the f. the f. the f. the fuck is, the fuck is, the f. the f. the f. the f. the f. the f. the f. the f. the f. the f. thu. thu. thu. the f. the f. the f. the f. the the f. the f. the f. the f. the f. the f. the f. the f umbrella as well, which actually isn't that big of a deal, but in South East London it sort of is, because like, blokes don't really have umbrellas, you just get wet and look sad, but like, I remember people going, he's got an umbrella.

Yeah. So, was Tom a kind of otherworldly figure at school, Rob? Well for me, Tom's a bit like when they're just older kids. I think by that point, I think you'd had a tougher start at the school, but at that point you were one of the oldest. And I think you were sort of, it was just got to the point, which is from my perception, but it was like, oh, that's just Tom. That's what Tom does. And he was so successful successful so successful so successful so successful so successful so successful so successful so successful so successful so successful the so successful the so successful the so successful in successful in successful in successful in successful in successful in successful in the so successful in the so successful in the so successful in the sort the sort the sort the sort the sort the sort the sort the school, it was sort of quite a bit of sort of a star of the school. I saw him as. So I think at that stage you sort of found your groove where I think year seven and eight must have been a much toubest

time. Yeah I'd say it's probably too. Yeah but by the time I got to the sick form I felt a lot more like flamboyant in my ways and a lot more relaxed about it because I'm a the that I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I that like I that like I'm a lot th I'm a lot th I'm a lot th I'm a lot th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th thi think I think I think I think I think I think I think I think I think I think I think I th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th the I the I the the think I think I think I think I think I think I think I think I think I think I think I think think the the the the the the the trying to blend in or you can just go the other way and be like, I'm different, get over it and then actually like, I guess you're different. But before then it was like, it was, I felt very self-conscious. But you realize that just after a while you just get like, just like, after the try and just want to, you could just go, like, thooooo and just want to, you know, you could just just just just just just just just just just just, you....... You just, you just, you just, you just, you just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, to. And, to. And, to. And, to. And, to. And, to. And, to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. s trying to be like don't say this and don't say that I could never I could never come out though as a kid I think that was probably that's been difficult for my parents like reading the book about sort of seeing how that impacts on other things I want to do this podcast before I read the book just because it's quite you know it's a funny story of being with a home of your parents it's about parenting and thin the the the the the the the th th th th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I thin thin thin thin thin thin thin thin thin thin thin. thin. thin. thin. that's thin. thin. that's that's that's that's that's that's that's about that that's about that's about that's about that's about that's about that's about about about about about about about about about about about about that's about th. that's about th. th. th. th. th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is thin. thin. thin. thin. thin. I's thin is thin is the book the book I's the book I's the book I'm the thin, but if you're a young kid, I'd say it's very good for younger people that are either a bit different or a bit outside the norm and plus or and or gay because

it really speaks to like try to get through all of that at school and as a parent you don't know what the right thing to do or to say is and I I've had, you know, even just one of your quotes that you put on Instagram, people have messaged me saying that it's had an impact on their kids where, and I think it was what you're trying to say, the quote I've got here is, there's a part of me that is found that if people are going to pick on you for being different, you can either to the try and to the to to to to to to to to be to be to be the other other other other other other other other other other other other other other., to be to be to be to be to be, to be, to be, to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be toe, toe, to be as well, and, and to be as well, and to be to be to be to, and to, and their, and their.. And, and it was what, and it was what, and it was what, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the forever. It's not the same as retaliating with physical violence but it's a giant up yours to anyone who's coming for you even if it does feel like freezing cold water running down your spine. You don't do it for anyone else you do it for yourself. And you posted that that that that quote on Instagram and a friend of mine I went to take names but he's very

very similar to you growing up he's only about seven or eight, but he requests like little Baker boy caps, boiler suits, and he loves old tools and has to wear like a tie and a waistcoat at the time. And a girl at school said that he was weird and then he showed him that quote and read it to him and it really helped him. And I do think this book is a great book for any, you know, if you're a parent or if you're a parent or if you're a you're a parent or a you're a you're a you're a parent or a young you're a you're a young you're a parent or a young you're a young th you're a young or a young or a young th you're a young th you're a young, th you're a young person that does feel different growing up for whatever reason. I think this really speaks to them and it's quite an interesting thing, you know, because as a parent, you feel powerless, that your mom and dad must have felt so powerless letting their sort of special like kid go out that's, you know, obviously different to the rest

of the boys and girls at school, but, you know, and they didn't know how to deal with it, to....... I don't know if you had the idea of writing it when you wrote it or if it just came out part of the process. I did it mainly for the money. No, I didn't. But I didn't. Well, I suppose I wanted to. Is it true you've used your book money to buy a third plate? Is that true, Tom? That's true. Well, thank you very much saying that. No, I did it, I think I did do it to kind of, I guess come, because I think when you're in it as well, as a child and you sort of, you know you're different but you don't know quite why or how and then people are like, but why do you talk like, I always spoke differently to people around me? But people always like, but why do you talk like, but why do you want to wear them clothes? I don't understand and people are so like kind of the world is so like that like something different I've got to control it and mold it so I can

understand it because I suppose they see a reflection of their own inadequacy but so I suppose I did it to kind of experience myself really and I did hope that you know like anybody who's ever felt like like an outsider or ashamed of anything or any part of themselves would go like, oh actually, I've done things like that. For me, it's what I wanted to explain it in a way that wasn't like, I got bullied and then I did this one thing and it showed them and that was that and I won and I'm the triumphant and this. It's bit bit bit bit bit, it's bit, it's bit, it's bit, it's bit, it's bit, it's, it's, it's, it's, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, tho, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, oh, thi, th.. th. th. th. And, th. And, th, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi. Oh, thi. Oh, thi. Oh, thi. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, like, yeah I owned that, I told them, I slammed that and it's like I broke the internet that went viral it's like bullshit like I just think you know it's sort of life is much more complicated

than that and actually you can know sending like a really kind of snippy tweet back at somebody whilst can be quite pleasing to read about in a way doesn't really in my opinion doesn't really cure or help anything. I think you still kind of, if you, if, I wanted to sort of represent it like, you know, if you experience kind of feeling like an outsider, you don't see, for me I didn't try and blend in, I dressed up in Victorian clothing or like I couldn't come out. So rather than telling somebody secretly, I th an elaborate lunch party where I invited the guy I fancied and to R.E. teachers like so you know just did like you know always kind of like what and you did that and at first like

the editor was like I'm sorry what why did you do that and I'm like because I did and you do like sometimes I just I think yeah I think they're like but you should be out playing football that the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the they. I'm they. I'm the they. I'm to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the the the to to to to the to the to to the to to to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the they. I they. I they. I the they. I the they. I. I just. I'm just. I'm just. I'm just. I'm just. I'mthink, in kids, I think, they're like, but you should be out playing football. That's what kids do. I don't want to do that. Why? Well, I don't know. I'm just fucking here. I just don't want to be bored. I'm just here.

I'm just trying to get it. It's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, I, I, I, I, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, I, I, like, like, like, like, like, I'm. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. tto. tto. tto. tto. tto. tto. tto. tto. tto. t. t. to. to. a profit from that? I don't know I'm just trying to exist I'm trying to get you know you're making me go to this fucking school that apparently everybody's got to go to I don't want to do it I don't want to do Pee I don't like the other children but you make apparently I've got to go there because that's what everybody does and it's leave your homework to the last minute? Well, probably because I don't really like being at school. But everything's like, I don't know. I'm always amazed when people's like, curiosities are met with like, what? Like kind of out of the rage.

You go like, well, as I always say, if human beings make sense, I'd be out of a job. But I guess that's true all three of us as comics. You know, people were like, do you know what I mean? I fancied someone so I told them and then we fell in love. Well, you know, like, or like I've always, you know, there's a point when I always wanted to be in a relationship and I was like, but when I was like, but if when I come out, you know, what's that good? People love to know, don't they? They love to know, nosy in. I just think it's so true that people are obsessing, people are a bit different, going, well, why are you doing that?

Because it does challenge the status quo of what everyone else is doing? But like, you know, why are you doing this? Why they'retaught us how to do self-employed tax. Do you mean? I never tort to do self-employed tax. I never, I never staged on that lesson. Well, no, exactly.

They didn't do that. But I know how to fucking I jump. that I can how to high jump or Tom knows how to do the disc because I cannot picture either of those things. I know you would spin around, that's all I know, spin around on the show. Do you remember like the first Victorian item or what it was that got you into kind of this different image, I suppose, would be the word. I don't know actually I think I just enjoyed I enjoyed old films and stuff and I think that was my means of escape so I just sort of thought well if I dress up as though I'm in an old film

maybe I'll sort of somehow be in an old film yeah yeah yeah so we're so we're so. I'm still living in the 90s. It's a th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I's so. I's so. I's so. I's so. I's so. I'm so. I'm so. I'm so. I'm so. I'm so. I'm so. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. I'm so th. th. th. I'm so the the th. I'm so I'm so I'm so th. I'm so th. I'm so th. I'm so th. I'm so th. I'll so th. I'll so th. I'll so th. I'll so th. I'll so th. I'll so the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. I'll th. I'm so. I'm so. I'm so th. I'm so th. I'm so th. I'm so. I'm so. I'm so th. I'm so th. I'm so th. I'm so th. I'm so th. I'm so th. I'm so th. I? Don't right, I'm, Tom, I'm still living in the 90s. It's a less big gap, but I'm living in the past as much as you are. People always say there's nostalgia everywhere, isn't there? And I suppose we're all, one of the things is that everybody's sort of putting on a performance, aren't they? And people always say, oh, you're putting, I'm, to say, oh, oh, oh, oh, the, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, the, oh, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, oh, I, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, I, I, I, I, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, and, and, I, and, I, and, and, and, and, and, and, th... And, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. there. there. there. there. We don't all need to act like that all the time do we? And I want to go like, you're putting on a performance with your boring life and you know, boring rubbish life. Pretending to love your wife and cheating or a remalia. Yeah, exactly. I'm the trouble maker. Yeah, exactly. Well, that's the same with like lads. Lads get away with it. the, yeah. Yeah, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, I, I, I, I, I's, I's, I's, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm the, I's, I'm their, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I, I, I'm, I, I, I'm, I'm, I, I, I. Yeah, I. the, I. Yeah, I. the, I. the, I. the, I, I, I, I, I. the, I. Yeah, I. I, I. I. I, I, I. I, I, I. I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm the, I'm the, I'm the, the, the, the, th. Yeah, th. Yeah, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the, the, the, I'm the, that's the same with like lads. Lads get away with it. We're like, if you're a bit different or maybe camper or a bit more alternative, it's like, oh, what are you doing that for?

Why are you in that back? You know, but they're like, there's those are lads,'s a version of top hats, yeah. I think that, yeah, and I remember at school people would start calling each other like son, alright son, but like, you're more three months younger than me. Why you call me son? It's impossible. Yeah. They're copying the biggest drag of all, isn't it, trying to be your dad. I got called Chief once when I was 14. He went alright, Chief?

Like another 14-year-old. That's like, who's got each other and the worst? I hate the most is when people got, alright, big man? I'm like, I'm like, I'm five, hey, you said, I'm fat. I'm not a big man. I don't know, and even saying mate and stuff, it's just like, I remember when I was at school, like there were all these, all the kids just wanted to be their parents. I think, I know it's the area that Rob and I grew up in or what, but there was a desperate, like you couldn't be vulnerable, you couldn't be a child.

As soon as you went to secondary, remember the girls nails done and and they'd kind of talk about they'd act like they were sort of 40 and the same with the boys they would act like they were their dad's probably would encourage that I imagine as well because they would want their kids to be toub. their kids to be toub. And I guess that's a natural thing to do you want your kids to to to to to to to to to to to to their their their their. their. their. their. They their. They their their. They'd their their. They'd act. They would act. They would act. They would act. They would act. They would act like their their their kids. They would act like their kids. They would act like their their their their their their their their boys like like like like like like their their they would act. They would act. They would act. They would act. They would act. They would they would their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their kids. They would act. They would act. They would act. They would act like. They would act like. They would act. They would act like like like like their kids. they would act. they would act like like like like their kids. they would be yeah they would dress like their dads they would probably go to the pub with their dads I go football with their dads they would do you know they was called each other mate and they'd kind of you know they were just taught to basically live as their as their particularly the dad's I remember an act. I mean, have you seen these clowns?

Do you still live in the same area? Is it the same house that you grew up in? Yeah, yeah, so you live in. Yeah, so it's very, it's just around the corner from Rob. It's suburbia, right? It's suburbia, yeah. And I do quite, as I've got older, I've realized, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I, I, the, the, the, the, the, the, the same, the same, the same, the same, the same, the same, the same, the same, the same, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, the same, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is the same, is, is, is, is the same, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is the same, is the same, is a....... Is. the same, is a. Is, is a. Is the same, is a the same, is a the same, the same, the same, the same, the same, the same, the same, is the same, the same, is the same, is the same, is the same, is the same, is the same up kids until the age of 37. And when you're living with your parents so so in the evening I know you work a lot of evenings but like suppose during lockdown you weren't are you all sitting down as a family

and negotiating what to watch on TV you how do you have dinner around the table like how do you have dinner around the table yeah we do have dinner around the table and then we tend to go off on our separate ways for well sometimes I'm working in the the the the the the the the the the to to to the to the the th. th. to th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. to to to to to to to to th. So, to thi. So, to to to to to the the the th. So. So, so. So, so. So, so. So, so. So, so. So, so. So, so. So, so. So, so. So, so. So, I I. So, I. So, I. So, I. So, I. So, I. So, I. So, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I's, I'm the, I'm the, I'm the, I'm thi. And, I'm thi. And, I'm thi. And, I'm thi. And, I'm thi. And, I'm thi. And, I'm the thi. And, so, so, so, so, so, I'm the the table? Yeah, we do have dinner around the table and then we tend to go off on our separate ways for, well, sometimes I'm working in the evening, so I'm not there, but if I'm there, they'll, mum will sit in the kitchen, there's like a through kitchen with a tele, she'll sit there and watch, well, she's farming preferably. And do you go to your room? And I will go to my room. And if I'm at home yet or I'll have a bath because that's the only time I don't check my phone. And then I'll watch like a nice old sitcom in the bath for hours. That's normal right. but what about like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, I I I I th. I th. I th. I th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I'll to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to go to go to go to go to go to go to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to th. And I, and I'll th. I'll th. I'll the. I'll the. I'll thoo. I'll thooo. I'll, their, thoooo. And, to to to to friends over? Do you have friends over to

for dinner and stuff or do you like I've been around the before for your birthdays and stuff but like do you have like what about the partners or anyone that you're seeing? Do they ever stay over and is it? No, well I'm never seeing anybody. No, I'm never seeing anybody. No, I could never have anybody over. No, I could never it because I'm like no I couldn't have a partner because I'd never be able to invite them around but you could move out and then you have a partner no I can't move out because you know it goes around around around around so basically I keep myself single and infantilized but yeah you know there's some families who like they'd like like they'd like talk about contraceptive and I'm like oh my god. the the the the the the the the the their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their. their like their like their like to to to their like oh oh oh to to to to to to to to to they're like to to they're like to they're like they're like to have their no their no they're like they're like they're like they're like to to to to to to to their no their no their no their no their no they. they. they. they. they. I'm not they. I'm they. I'm they. I'm they. I'm they. I'm to. I'm to. I'm like. I'm like. I'm like. I'm like. I'm like. I'm like. I'm like. I'm like. I'm like. I'm not. of my childhood like please don't ever talk about sex I can't imagine anything worse than than having I wasn't given the chat did you have the chat Rob

no not really but I had older brothers and like also as well the actual state of me as a 15 where I don't fit there's any sort of unprotected sex on the horizon so so protected sex on the horizon. So, you know. Is that what we've just discovered that none of us got the chat? Not because our parents didn't want to do it. They just thought it was totally pointless looking at the three of us. Should we talk to Rob about it? Look at the state of him, absolutely not. Yeah. He's protecting himself. No, it's very like all that stuff. I mean, yeah, I knew people

when I got older who were like, oh well, you know, I was talking to my mom about how I was allergic to latex and blah blah blah. And I was like, oh my god, I cannot imagine talk like talking in any detail like, oh. And do you find it awkward then to know that they're reading personal details about you and in the book? No, the book? And? the book? the book? their their their their their their their their their their their their their their the book? No, I've left the room when they read it. Imagine Staling's looking at them. What page are you? This is a good page? Do you like that page? Yeah, no, I left them to it really. Not that it has anything terribly salacious in it. Does I have a mention of a futile on at one point, but yeah, it's quite kind of easier. Like, yeah, I talk about going for the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. It's the the th. It's kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind th. th. It's kind kind kind kind kind to, it, it, it's kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind, it, it, it, it's kind of easier like yeah, I talk about going for an SDI test when I was about 23 Which of course I've never told them about do you know I mean like a never But it does make it difficult when they're like where you go in but where you go in where you go now?

What you're doing now? I'm like, yeah, give me some space. That is the worst thing about being that never stops and does it. That just gets more intense. No realization of why it's stressful. Do you know what I mean? I'm just like, no realization of, can you imagine if I said this to you all the time? Like every day, like what you got on tomorrow? And then you have to list everything. And I don't know if I'll be home for dinner. I'm an adult. the then. I'm thin. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm the th. I'm the the th. I'm the th. I'm th. I'm the the th. I'm the the th. Yeah. Yeah. I'm thi. Yeah. I'm thi. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm just thi. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm just. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the. Yeah. I'm the the the the thea. I'm just the the the the the the the thea the thea. the thiia. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah feed myself. Every day do they ask about dinner? Yeah, pretty much, yeah.

You in for dinner? Well, no, I'm going to a recording that starts at six. Do you think they realize that they're doing this? Probably not. And I think it is, I think that's the thing is I can't, because you when you have children you do feel very protective and I guess you never and you never lose that you never leave that sense of panic and protectiveness. But she's I remember when you met us at the park for a picnic on quite a warm day and your mom that was the the the mom drove you down or did you walk down I think you walked down I

I walked down and then she drove down with me then she drove down I'll I'll give you a lift the the the to to you to you you you you you to to to to to you you you you you to to to to to the to the the to to the the the to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the their the to to to their m. And their their to their to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the to to to to the to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the try I I try I the the the the and then she drove down with me. Then she drove down and was like, I'll give you a lift. Also your dad says he should take a hat with you. Yes, and then she drove down some sun cream for your head. Yeah. And I was like, this this is insane. And I mean, not to blame, but that's kind Not as unhealthy as not putting sun cream on your bonds, Tom. Come on, right. And mine is well exposed as well. Well exposed. All the way, yeah, well, yeah, well, but that was, I was like, oh, wow.

Because that is quite a full on, like to bother to go, like, to bother to go. Because it's not like, I would do that. I would, I would, I would, I would, I would that, I would that, I would that, I would that, I would that, I would that, and I would that, and I would that, and I would that, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, and, and, and, and, th. And, and, th. And, th. And, th.... And, th.. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. th. thin, th. th. th. thin, th. th. thin, th. And, th. And, thin, th. And, thin, th. And, and, th. And, th someone to take down a park and I forgot to put sun cream on I'd maybe ring him and go I'll put a hat or more I'd drive down with some cream so I could you know but when they're grown fully grown yeah you'd know you'd know if you're to burn in wouldn't you well you'd think so yeah it was a weird day that and then they sort of laughed about it but then I know like theyre the surface of it I am like I I I I I I I I I I I th I I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th they they they they they they they're th they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they they they they they they they th th th th th th th th th th th th th th thin the thr thr thrown thrown the thy the thrown thy tho the thrown tho they're they're they're they're they, then I sort of question and go, well, do you not want them to care? Do you want them to not care? Like, they're doing their best for you. That's in my inner monologue.

And then I'm like, oh God, I'm a terrible person refusing. If you've got to draw the line, because then I could go tho, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, like, like, like, like, like, like, That isn't what happens. They don't wipe your bum anymore, do they? Not since you did live in Apollo. Rob, you always have a question that's normally quite pertinent with a couple, but I think it's particularly kind of personant with Tom. Yes. Do you want to ask? Well, yeah, basically the question is, is there something that your parents do, that really annoys you and frustrates you and get under your skin? But you know that, you know that, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, the like, the the the the the the the the the the their, their their their their their their their their their their their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their thi live live live live live their live live live their live live their live live their live their live their live their live their live their live, their live, their, basically the question is, is there something that your parents do that really annoys you and frustrates you and get under your skin, but you know that like you can't really say it to them without it being a big row, but you could say it now and if they did hear it on this, they may change that way.

So it's sort of a thing that could help help your relationship really, because there just gets really under your skin that you th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thomomomomomorrow, thomorrow, thomomorrow, thomorrow, to thomorrow, thomorrow, thomorrow, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, there's something that just gets really under your skin that you can't say about it being a big argument. Oh, that's a good one. I think it's mainly to do with serving dishes about like please use them rather than just bringing things from the oven to the plate, leaving a serving dish on the table, and then not clearing them away before we have dessert. That really gets on my nerves. It just feels very... So give me an example, so they'd, what make them? I would say like if you've roasted some potatoes, or if you've done some oven chips, you don't need to bring the oven tray through to the table. Yes. And you don't need to use those tongs that you've tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho to to to to to the toe. toe. toe. the. to thea. to use thea. to use to to use to use. to thoom. the the their too. too. the o'n. their. their. their their their their their their their their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. the. the. the. the. use those tongs that you've had for too long for getting them off

the tray onto the plate. You just put them in a nice bowl and we could probably all help ourselves and that would be nicer. Instead it's like, no, I'll put them on the plate. So I suppose it's about control, isn't it? That's basically. And also like clearing salt and pepper to it's a small format. Do you want something more profound than that? No. No, I don't think there is anything more profound than that if we drill down into it. You can only ever be on brand Tom and you always are and that is the most Tom Adam thing ever that's serving dishes. Tom has been amazing. Thank you so much.

Absolutely pleasure. Yeah no shame your book is out now on Kindle. Audio book as well yeah You've done it yourself. Yes, that would be a good dis- Because well, yeah, if you like that sort of thing. And book, it's out as a book, isn't it, as well? And book, and a normal book, yeah. And a normal book, yeah, paper book. the paper? Is it out as a paper tooombe? Yeah, it's a paper, to make, the book, tap.... A book, tap. A book, thap. A book, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. that, that's that's th. that, that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, th.... It, th. It, th. It, th. Yeah, th. It's th. Yeah, th. Yeah, th. th. th. th. th. th. the. that that that that that that that that that that that that that. that. that. Yeah, I know right. So very Victorian. Yeah, it's all

handwritten and he's handwritten every copy with a quill. Yeah, unusual way of doing it. But the right way. Yeah, I like to think so. Cool. Thank you so much. Thank you for having me you guys. Lovely to get it off my chest. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. That was Tom Allen. I'm not going to lie. We forgot to do the the the the the the the the the th. Thank the the th. Thank to to to to to to to to to to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to to to to have to have to have. to have. to have. to have. to have. to have. to have. to have. to have. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. th. th. th. the. It's the. the. the. He the the. He's the. He's the. He's the. He's the. He's the. He's the. He's the. He going to lie. We forgot to do the bit at the end so Rob is now gone. So this is just Josh. Thank you to Tom. Sorry, that's all right. That's my daughter dropping her camera. That's Edie's dress. Thank you very much. Thank you very much. We'll give that to Edie. Right. Allen, whose book, No Shame is out now. It's absolutely brilliant book. I would implore you to read it. Obviously, if you've listened this far, the odds are you're a fan of Tom Allen. So it is exactly what you'd hope. It's funny. It is inspiring. What more could you want from a book really? Thank you for listening. If you want to get in tou to get in tou to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the the the the the the the the the the the the the to the to be a to be a to be a to the the to be a to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to their. I their. I their. I their. I their. I their. I their. I their. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the tod. I. I. I. I. I. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I. want to get in touch with us, then this is how. Email us, hello at lockdownparentin.co.uk, or tweet us at lockdown parents, or Instagram lockdown underscore parenting.

And you can also send us stuff, PO Box 76748, London E99DW. We will be back next week when we'll be switching back into our normal order. We'll be back on Tuesday with the guest, back on Friday with me and Rob telling you about all the joys of parenting. We'll see them.