Parenting Hell with Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe - S02 EP41: Paul McCaffrey

Episode Date: June 11, 2021

ROB BECKETT & JOSH WIDDICOMBE'S 'LOCKDOWN PARENTING HELL' -S02 EP41: Paul McCaffreyJoining us in the studio this episode to discuss the highs and lows of parenting (and life) during the lockdown and beyond is the brilliant comedian, Paul McCaffreyEnjoy. Rate and Review. Thanks. xxx If you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @lockdownparent INSTAGRAM: @lockdown_parentingA 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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and member terms apply hello I'm Josh Whitakam welcome to lock down welcome to lockdown the show in which Rob and I to be a parent during lockdown which I would say can be a little tricky. So in an effort to make some kind of sense of the current situation. And to make me feel better about my increasingly terrible parenting skills. Each episode will be chatting to a famous parent about how well they're coping. Or hopefully not. And we will be hearing from you the listener with your tales of lockdown parenting woe. Because let's be honest none of us know what we're doing. Hello, you are listening to lockdown parenting hell with Margot, can you say Rob Beckett? What about it?

And Josh Widdicum? No. Oh, that's a shame. Oh. A bit of a slap in the face? No. Is she Australian? Hello, Margo turned two last week. Her new favorite word is no, so this intro is quite fitting.

I've also discovered a great parenting hack this week wanted to share with all the moms out there just trying to get five to ten minutes to get ready in the morning when your little one starts pulling everything out of your drawers running off with your makeup brushes or digging the little the little fingers I simply say come here prompts them to run off. Oh sorry I thought you meant hair, what the fuck's hair teeth? It feels like something I should have. This immediately prompts them to run off and leave you for a good five to ten minutes so that you can get ready in peace. Is she Australian? Did she say? No she's from Portsmouth. But she sounds Australian

You look right? Margot? can you say Rob Beckett? What was it? And Josh Widdicum? No. That is a really Australian, no, isn't it? She's been watching the most. No, no, Josh Whitak. She's watching too much Heartbreak, hi, Rob.

Heartbreak, hi. What a show. How are you doing of the last leg? Seven. But then seven weeks? Seven weeks? Is it included in the Olympics? No, no, no, no, no. We've got seven weeks.

And then what's that take us to do? Middle of July. And then we're back me the quickest I am delighted though I am delighted I am delighted I'm willing to pay the one pound 50 tally it down Josh you've got to be careful because there'll be someone out there that's got a spare afternoon that will tally these up and send you a you've got. I'm not backdating my payments. Okay from last from last from this episode. Yeah so it's one pound fifty. One pound fifty. So they've chosen a studio that is just a mile and a half from my house and I am delighted. That's an absolute win isn't it? It is glorious right next to the Westfield as well so whatever takeways I want every evi the evening for 12 days. 12 days. Oh yeah. Oh. Oh. Oh. That's. That's. That's. That's. That's. That's. That's. That's. That's. That's. That's. That's. That's. That's. th. That's. th. th. th. th. That's an th. th. that's an that's an that's an that's an that's an th. It's an that's an that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. that's. that's. So. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's th. the Westfield as well, so whatever takeaways I want every evening for 12 days. 12 days. Oh yeah, because it's every night, isn't it? Every night. Josh, we've got an important thing to talk about. We have big announcement.

Name shang. Yes, we have decided, due to the fact, it is the end of lockdown, more or less, we hope. We haven't talked about lockdown in so long on this show. And people keep asking us, are you going to continue this after lockdown? I think we need to just move into the next phase of this show. So we're going to drop the word lockdown. Yes and the name, so what name are we going with? We're not sure. Rob Beckett and Josh Widdickham's parenting podcast. Is it that simple? Yeah, do we want some some some some some some some some some some some some some some some some some some some some some some some some some some some some some some thah. thah. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's. that's. tho. tho. th. th. to to to to to to to to to to to to to to th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the the the the the the the thi. th. the. the. the. the. the the. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to should we say, that's the front runner.

My word, my voice has gone. It's the front runner. That mad old drunk in a betting office. Look, money on the o'e's. That's the front runner. No, it's not pension dates next week. Oh, yeah, it's only one off of my house, 12 dites. Oh, that's a front runner.

So the front runner is Rob Beckett and Josh Widdick, or it could be Josh Whitaker and Rob Beckett's. Well, we don't need to make those kind of changes. Look, parenting podcast, or we could go, there's other ways we could tweak it, parenting pod, but that feels a bit like two old men trying to be cool. Yeah, yeah, and yeah, we could do a full like Royal Mail rebrand when they were called like Cignaas. Yeah, in was it in sick? What was it called? Consignia? Consignia? Consignia. What the fuck would you change it from royal mail? Unbelievable. Or we could do a marathon to a snickers couldn't we? Opal fruits to a starburst? Exactly. thr-Apunnel podcast. to the the th. Oh, thoopol tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho that's. tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho thin. thi. thi. th. th. th. th. th. that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that. C. C. C. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that's that. that's that's thi. that's. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. the thi. the the the the the the the the the the the thiiii. Cignia thi. Cignia. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. We's thi. C. Exactly. So we've got that option, but if people do want to, what's the best

way? Call it the Consignia Podcast? We could call it the Consignia podcast. What's the best way for people to suggest their names, Michael? They can email in or send us messages on social media. Yeah, just the usual ways. Emelling. Actually, for this one, pigeons. Pigeons. Another kick in the teeth for raw mail. C. Yeah. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. C. C. C. C. C. Ciginininia. Cignia. Cignia. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. I. I. I. I. I. I. C. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. C. S. Cigniiiiiiiiiiii. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C.the teeth for raw mail. Consignia are shaking in their boots. We've got the old pigeons back out. Yeah, so the moment the front run is Rob Beckett and Josh ridicule, parenting podcast. But do get in touch because, you know, we'd like to spin this out. Well yeah, exactly.

What, what, what, the name change out? The kids arrived from school. One th th th, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, the th, th, th, th, their th, th, th, th, th. th. th. th. th. tho, th. tho, their their tho, tho, tho, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their their, their, their their, their, their their, their, their their their, their, their, their, th. We's, th. We's, th. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. tho. tho. toge. toge. toge. toge. toge. toge. th. tho. tho. tho. the.? Oh no, the kids, kids arrive from school. One second, Josh. Oh no. Hello. You're okay? Do you have come to say, hello? Say, hello, Josh. Hello, how are you? Right, do you want to see mommy?

Can't him? Can't him? Not wearing headphones? Hi, Josh. tooge. Hi Josh, I'm back now. No worries. No worries. That was a Mount, Gavin, yeah. I think, I don't know, I forget which one's which now. Yeah, so we're gonna change the name. That's exciting though, isn't it?

It is exciting. It's exciting. It's quite a big moment. I'm quite excited because it feels like we are nearly getting first of June we should know by next Monday or by Monday I think they announce what they're doing don't they the week before? Is that right? Yeah so the 14th they'll be telling them what's going to happen so people can prepare right? But I still feel like it's inevitable because once everyone's properly vaccine, they've got to just start opening up haven't they? Yeah we need to change it. We need to change this because what I hate I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I their. I their. I their their their their their their their their their their their their their they they they they they they they they they they'll they'll their their they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their te. te. te. te. te. te. teat. te. tea. tea. tea. they're they're they're they'll they'll they're they'll theythis like after about three weeks at the first lockdown I listened to a podcast the other day a Gabby Logan one and she went yeah well we're hoping and the hairdressers be open by the beginning

of February that was this year it was another like three months and I was sitting again now you fucking won't Gabby oh god I'm so bored of lockdown should we just bring on the guest? Bring on the guest! Bring on the guest! Do we just bring on the guest? My catch-raise. Yeah, we bring on the guest.

Let's bring on the guest. Oh, no, do you want to quick on the guest? Oh, Rob, let's bring on the guest? to Instagram. Go on, Rob, I' the. the. the. the. to. the. to. the. th. th. the. th. th. th. th. th. the. to. the. th. the. the. th. th. to. the. to. to. th. to. to. to. th. the to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. the g. to. to. to. the g. the g. the g. the g. the g. the g. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. the. the. the. the. the. toe. the. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. to. to. to. to. the bit. Hi, Rob and Josh, I love the pod. I had twins in March and keeps you going through the tricky night feed. On the subject of babies getting left behind, when I was 16, I worked in my local Sange Riz. So did I? That was my first job. Where was your first job, Josh? Local pub. I did do Safeway though though. anecdotes. Is that an anecdote? Well I can tell you what my job was. Go on. Worked in

the petrol station. It's good. I don't know why it's good. It's not good. My job was each day had to go off over to the main supermarket with a cage on wheels and get all the all the food and drink for the petrol station and bring it back over to the petrol station and put it in and put it in but the people in the main supermarket didn't like you to take their stocks you had to kind of do it without them seeing it was a shit summer. That is a bad summer job. I once spill eight pints of milk on the floor of the fridge section of the the free you know the big fridges yeah and they were playing nothing compares to you over the stereo system and while I was cleaning it up and still whenever I hear that song I'd just get taken back to that awful moment of my life.

Songs do that. I can't think that the song jealous guy by John Lennon I was a violently sick listening to that in Slovenia. So now whenever it comes on radio I'm nearly sick. And it was so awful basically we, it was on this bus trying to go from Ljubljana to Lake Bled, when we were traveling, me and my mate, and I was so hung over and I was going to be sick. So I just, as the bus stopped, as like in the middle of nowhere, one of them weird stops, I got off and I just, I didn't tell my mates, I they're called them, terrible eye, eye bond. Stop saying the word eye, Rob. And I, I'm not gonna lie, I said I. And I went into the toilet and I was just, they're this horrific sick.

And then my two mates had to get off with me and grab all our bags off, so it was just like stuck in the middle of nowhere. Then my mate went in the, did a poo, right, right, right, tho, tho, tho, tho just for a wee and the smell was so bad after we'd been in there he was physically sick. Oh my God. And whenever you hear jealous guy, that's how you feel. Yeah. That's not what John Lennon would have wanted.

It's not, but there's other things that John Lennon didn't want as well that are probably worse, you know that happened to him. Yeah, fair enough. th th th th th th. th. th. thu thu thu thu thu, thu, thu, thi thi thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, and thi, and than, and than, and than, and than, and thi, and thi, and tho, and tho, and tho, and tho, and tho, and tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi. And thi. And thi. And thi, thi. And thi, thi. And thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi. And thi. And theean, thean,, what's insane to his one day, a very confused lady walked into the store pushing a trolley that had a baby sitting in it. She walked up to me, the first member of staff she'd seen and said, someone's left their baby in this trolley. That's right, someone to return their trolley par to to to to to to to to to to to try to try trylady tr tr trrally, to thellu. thelluil. thelluil. thee, thellu. thellu. trulion, thee, thellu, thellu, thellu, trolley, thellu, their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their the, pushing their the, pushing their their their their their their their their their their trolley, pushing trolley, pushing trolley, pushing her trolley, pushing her trolley, pushing her trolley, trolley, trolley, trolley, trolley, pushing her trolley, pushing her trolley, pushing thulli, pushing then gave me the trolley and walked off. I was completely shell-shocked. What the fuck was a six-year-old kid? What was it to do with a lost babe? I mean, I think, even though she works at the shop, I could not give a baby to a 16-year-old person in the first shop. I stood there, frozen to the trollie from me and promptly left the store. Two minutes later, another woman running going, who's took my baby?

No, I'm joking. I was frozen to the spot. With hindsight, I probably should have done some due diligence before I let her take the baby's baby, but as soon as I never saw it on the news of Colonial Shume she was actually the baby's mother because she looks so upset. Keep up the great work love Nick. Oh wow that is a great story. Rob can I see how this makes you feel? Yeah go on. Oh no I think as I was doing it I never made to hurt you or something what's the line in it? Yeah I'm sort of hurt you and never thought that make you cry something like like like oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that's that's that's that's that's that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's a the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the took took the the took the took the the the the the that that in it? Yeah, I'm sorry that I never thought that I'd make you cry something like that. Yeah, and as he said that, my stomach was in pain and my eyes were watering. And I was just like, he just knows how you're feeling, doesn't he?

He's got that. He's such a genius. That's a genius. That's a genius. That's a genius. That's a genius. That's the genius. That's the genius. That's the genius. That's the genius. That's the genius. the genius. the genius. That's the genius. the genius. the genius. the genius. the genius. the genius. the genius. the genius. the genius. the genius. the genius. the genius. That's the genius. He's the genius. He's, the genius. He's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, the genius. He's, the genius. He's, the genius. He's, the genius. He's the genius. He's the genius. That's the genius. That's the genius. That's the genius. That's the genius. That's the genius. That's the genius. That's the genius. That's the genius. That's the genius. That's the genius. That's the genius. That's the genius. That's the genius. the genius. the genius. the genius. the genius. the genius. the genius. That's the genius. That's the genius. That's the genius. That's the genius of Lennon. Right, let's get our guest on this week, Joshua. Paul McCaffrey, incredibly funny man. He's just had his first child. And I think he's been trying for a little while, so it's quite interesting to chat to him about it. And he's, because he's in his 40s now, older, MacAfri, so he's a bit of an older first-time dad which is a good to hear from because my dad was older when he had us. He's an excellent interview, really funny guy and check out his stand-up. He's live at the Apollo performance.

He's great. He's got some great picks on his Instagram. He's brilliant. But yeah the brilliant Paul McCaffrey, enjoy people. Enjoy people. What does possible for your business business? It's having to spend to power your scale with no preset spending limit. Redefine possible with Business Platinum. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Terms and Conditions apply. Visit A.X.C.A.S. BUSH-BOTSKSA, business to

to students. Back to school signals a fresh start for students. New classmates, new teachers, new to to to to to to to to to, but one thing hasn't changed. The Ford government still isn't investing in public schools. Six years of cuts mean our students aren't getting the supports they need. They can't wait another year. If the Ford government won't change, it's time to change the government. Our kids are counting on us. Join us at Building Better Schools. A message from the Elementary Teachers Federation of Ontario. Welcome to the podcast, Paul McCaffrey. Hi. How you doing, mate? I'm all right, thanks.

Let me tell you, Paul, I'm surprised that we've booked you. I didn't know you had a newborn. So when Rob told me, I was like, Paul you're too rock and roll to have a kid, isn't he? Basically, Paul, you text me that the baby had arrived. Yes. And I asked you to be on the podcast within three minutes? Yeah. Amazing. I thought that was good for me, waiting.

But so how old? How old's your baby at this is your first one, isn't it, 12 days? Yeah. And how is it, Paul? It's brutal. You know, obviously, all the cliches, everything that anyone tells you is as bad, if not worse, I'd say, a lot worse than you could ever have possibly imagined. I'm just going to sit back and enjoy this mate. This is what I've been looking for. The first sort of 24 hours, she pretty much slept through.

This is like, oh, this is a medical miracle. And then it turns out she was saving it all for when we were alone at home. And then, yeah, it's been, it's been pretty hard going, I have to say. What are you averaging sleepwise? Well, I think the sort of last couple of days has been, I think I'm learning that just sort of like, whatever is happening is just happening perhaps once. And that you can't go like, oh, okay, we've cracked it. I think we've got her into a routine now on day three

three nights. So sort of like, then the second two night she got kind of two blocks of about three hours sleep. So sort of managing to fashion almost a four nights. Sorry, I'm out of practice. So is that a good, that's good isn't it? I think so, yeah. Rob, that's like that it's just a wonderland I can only see in the distance. It's mad isn't it to think. And even I've I, you, you, you, you, you, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, tho, thin, thi, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, to, to to to to th. So, th. So, th. So, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, to to to to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, some, some. So, some. So it to think and even I've you know my three year old now but even I forgot that a baby scene for three hours is a good thing I thought he was

telling a negative story then but that was actually the only positive you've come with. It's not the only positive I've come with. All right but one of the moments of elation and it's incredible but yeah well we And so, and how was the birth and stuff? Was that okay? Or was it stressful or how did it go? So we did an elective C section. So I mean, it was surprisingly quick actually. I, you know, no one had kind of told me how quick it would sort of happen.

And so we have an 80s playlist that my wife has been sort of listening to a lot whilst around the house recently. It happened so quickly she came out to against all odds by Phil Collins which I wouldn't probably have chosen. And that what was that for but just the initial incision in your head is that the initial incision or just for the drugs bit of the how long was it your playlist? Well obviously the random nature of a playlist meant that they'd sort of like I hadn't kind of timed it so that I didn't have an opener a middle and a closer. It was like, you know, it wasn't sort of, it was just whatever, whatever came on and it just so happened. So I heard, that the today. thi. th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th. th. th. th. tha. that. that, that, that, that, that, that, the their, the the that, the the that, the that, their, the the the the the tho the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, ta. ta. ta.a.a. ta.a.a. ta.a.a. ta. ta. ta. ta. ta. tha. tha. tha. the beginning of the Phil Collins song, I heard I can see hair, I heard a scream, it happened that quickly.

Oh really? Wow. And if I was to play against all odds by Phil Collins to you in a year, do you reckon I'll have some sort of Pavlovian response for all? Well do you think it would now, does it now hold a place in your heart where whenever you hear that song it's going to mean a lot to you? Yeah, I would have thought so, yeah. No, no. Phil Collins. I mean, it was the song that was playing, you know, during the birth of my daughter. Exactly, yeah. I'm going to run for the hills, it's every time I hear it. The last song of freedom. A bit of wedding and it'll come on on the dancewell. Where's McCaffrey gone? He's crying in the corner. But, um, have you, have you been back to work since or are you off on paternity leave?

Because when you're self-employed, it's hard to say no to work and so I kind of had a couple of gigs that I sort of went and did. How was that Paul? How did you feel on stage? Yeah, I mean I saw your Instagram post of your train journey and that kind of I could relate to that. It was just sort of driving I just feel absolutely brain dead at all time. So I'm kind of wandering around every time, sort of, yeah. I can tell, I'm finding it very difficult to string coherent sentences together at the moment. The beauty of this podcast is that is a selling point for the content if you cannot speak, which isn't normally the case of a podcast. But is it just a lack of sleep then or is it, or are you overwhelmed a little bit with all the stuff? Well it may not not not not not not not not not not not the the the the th not th not the th not to to to the the to the to to to the the the to to the the th. to to the to to to to to to the to the to to to to the to their. to their. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. te. t. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. then or is it or you overwhelmed a little bit with all the stuff well it may not surprise you to hear I'd never change the nappy before very much a baptism of fire you know

sort of Alex obviously was out of action straight after the birth so I kind of had to change the first few nappies which I'd never done before and that was pretty nerve-wracking yeah yeah and did you get your baby dress? Like, or did you get the nurse do that? Because as soon as the baby comes out, they go, oh yeah, do you want to put the baby grow on it? I'm like, no. But you sort of have to, don't you? Because it's your kid. The first baby grow was a sort of,

it was a sort of, it was difficult to get the sort of feet in and then I'd say I was just oh god I'm never gonna you know yeah I'm gonna be a terrible father oh god I think it's such a confidence building thing he's like anything you can't practice being a parent you just sort of learn on the job so there's so many things that happen you go oh god I can't do this now I'm I can't do thrown I thrown I thrown I thrown I thrown I thrown I thrown I thrown I thrown I thrown I thrown I thrown I thrown I thin I thrown thrown I thrown I thrown I th th th thr-I thr-I thrown I'm thr-I thr-I thr-I thr-I thr-I the the their their their I their I'm the the the they I'm they I'm they I'm they I'm they I'm they I'm they I'm th they I'm th th th th th thin I'm thin I thin thin thin thin thin thin thrown I thrown I'm thrown I'm to to to to ty try to try try try to try try to try to to to try to to throe throe they or in-laws over your shoulder they've had kids and done it before and you want to be like, no, I'm doing it because it's my kid but you don't actually know what you're doing, but then you can be too proud to say that. Help me. It's impossible to feel that the midwives aren't judging your every mood and the average age, the midwife down there is 64. And I only they th, th, th, th, they, they, they, they, they, to to th, to to th, to th, th, to th, th, th, th, th, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, thi, thi, no, no, no, thi, to be like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, thi, thi, thi, thi, th, th, th, th, th, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, th, no, no, no, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi, thi, that, thi, thi, that, that, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, Faginette. Yeah, the woman that we saw told us that the average age of the midwife down there is 64.

So they've seen everything, they're old school. They're like screws out of a prisoner's cell blockage. Really sort of hardline, so it's like, oh, we were sort of worried that we were perhaps being a bit too much of a soft touch in tha........... I I I I I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I'd, I'd, I was, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, th.... th. th. th. th. th. thi, thi, thi, thi, they. thi, thi. thi. thi. thi's thi's thi. thi's thi's they. thi's they's they're they're they're they're their in terms of, you know, at the first sign of crying, getting her out and sort of letting her, Alex would have her, you know, sleeping on her. And then she's like, no, no, no, if it gets too much, go out of the garden, have a glass of wine, have a fag, have a fag, have a fag. What? It's what? It's what I said?

Go and have a breather. The NHS can't be saying have a fag. Look here, mate, it is a line. Have a quick line. I'll suit you out. Cheeky half. Go dance it off down the bottom of the garden. That is, that seems old though, the average age, 64, isn't it? I thought that. I mean, I don't want to say anything at the time because they were all up in arms about Bajonet at the time. Are they all around the age or is there one really old woman who's bringing the average up? Is that a little? No, no, no, they're all kind of up that way. To bring the average age. Not a point. It's not the oldest, their oldest, th is is is is is is is is, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. their is, is, is, is, is, is the oldest, is the oldest, is the oldest, is the oldest, is the oldest, is the oldest, is the oldest, is the oldest, is the oldest, is the oldest, is the oldest, is the oldest, is the oldest, is the oldest, is the oldest, is the oldest, is the oldest, is the oldest, is thi. Is thi. Is is thi. Is is thi. Is is thi. Is is th. Is is th. Is is th. Is is th. Is th. Is one, is thi. Is thi. Is thi. Is the oldest, is the oldest, is the oldest, is the oldest, is the oldest, is the oldest, is the oldest, is the oldest, is the oldest, is the oldest, is the oldest, is the oldest, is the oldest, is the oldest, is the oldest, isalf. Really messed up the average age. But badger, though, I mean, obviously people in older age aren't great with new technology. But, you know, badginet, it sounds like the thing a nan would call the internet, wouldn't it?

Oh, that's it? How long was you in for then, Paul? So we went in at half six and I left at 11. So what did you th th th. that so you could you're then released into the wild on your own what did you do I we're evening went straight to sleep actually I kind of got home had sort of a little bike to eat and then just yeah went to sleep and then you got to go in the next day and bring them home yes exactly that how was the first drive home nervous just the first drive home nervous just just the first 24 hours. th I I I I I the th I th I the the th. th. the th. th. th. th. the th. th. th. th. th. the th. th. th. th. th. the first 24 th. the first 24 th. I the first 24 th. I th. I th. the first the first the first the the the the the the the the the the th. I the th. I I the th. I I th. I I th. I I I I th. I I I I I I I I th. I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I th. I I I th. I I I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I'm th. I'm th. th. theeeeeeeeeeea. th. th. th. th. th. the. th. th. the. I'm the. I totally. So I had to obviously bring the sort of car, the baby car seat in. And obviously you've just seen that sort of thing done so many times, but to actually do it

with your baby in, you know, to carry the, I'm like, Jesus Christ, not, the baby's not going to drop out the bottom or I'm holding this the right way around, you know. And obviously it's just that sense that everyone is watching you thinking what is that idiot doing over there? Yeah, you don't carry it like that. How were you carrying it? Were you swinging it above your head like a bucket like a blanket? Balance it on my head. I'd still have between legs like a kettle bell. And also you're a little bit older Paul so so a lot of your friends must have had kids earlier. Yeah, did you notice that?

So did you pick up any tips with that? Or was you just oblivious to their parenting when they had kids? Do you think it's helped you being a bit older? Yeah, I said, well, there's certain things about it. Obviously, I feel I'd been able to sort of, I was definitely someone that grew up late, let's put it that way. So, um, yeah. How old are you now, Paul? Are you happy to say? Well, 46. We're still trying to get work on E4.

Yeah, yeah, I'm still trying, still hanging out for that C.Bibi's gig. Yeah. Still wearing that bootcut gene with a hoodie sewn into a blazer. just in case Dick and Don don't show up for a shift. Just what Storms his latest long player. Keep him a finger firmly on the pulse just in case the call comes in. And how do you feel about being a sort of older dad? Because 46 is a bit older than the norm, isn't it? My dad was about 45 when he had us.

Yeah. Was it you just wanted kids later or were you trying? I mean, if you're not comfortable talking about it, it's fine. You know, yeah, it's been a long journey to get to this point. Let's put it that way. So, yeah, I think perhaps I left it a bit later and then subsequently it was probably more difficult to achieve a chief, God, I'm talking about it in such a weird way. A cheap, like a sports pundit, you know, obviously the late, I left it late in the day,

which you know, brought its own complications and we did finally get overlined but you know, it was not straightforward, you know, McCaffrey likes to make life difficult for himself. Yeah. We've seen it again and again. But I think the thing is though, it is a bit awkward isn't it because as a friend, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you're, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you're, you, you know, you know, you know, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you're th.. You're th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. to know, to know, to know, to know, to know, to know, to know, to know, to me, to me, thing is though, it is a bit awkward, isn't it? Because as a friend, you're like, you know, you're my, I've known you're years poor when we've worked together and we're mates and been away as mates and stuff and I sort of knew, sort of knew you sort of knew, sort of new.

the thing, know it's sort of a and is that easier than not asking than them asking you sort of have to explain it's yeah it's it's it's it's sad isn't it's a sort of sad situation but then I suppose it must be so the things that it must be so exciting now that it's the their their their their th I I I I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I thi I thi I thi I thi I thi I thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi. It must thi thi thi. It must thi. It must that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's thi I thi I thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi. thi. It must thi. It must thi. It's thi. It's thi. It's thi. It's thi. thi. I thi. thi's thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. that's that's that's thatup to it though I imagine. You know what I mean? Because it's sort of, you've seen you, especially with your mates, you know, when they've had the kids. And now it must be weird though because you're out drinking and having a laugh when we've had little kids and now all your mates kids are getting older and going to school so they can go out drinking and stuff and you're at the new the new the new the new their drinking and their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're their. Someaq. Someaq. Someaqqqqqqq. Somea'. Somea and you're their.... Somea and you're their.. Someauauauauauauauauauauauau.. Someau. Someau. Someau. Someau. Someau. Someau. Somea. Somea. Somea. So. So. So, they're they're tria. So, tria. So, tria. So, they're treathea. So, they're they're they're they're they're they're they're someone goes in the pit and then they can catch up on nights out. So how are you going to feel not with a missing out on the nights out?

I think I've had enough nights out to not feel like I'm missing out on anything to be a misapplied. I don't think I have a list of varied regrets, Rob, and I think not of them. Yeah. Can I ask, are you feeling as a football fan that the birth of your child three weeks before the European Championships is a positive or a negative for you watching the European Championships? I've got to be honest, I haven't given it a huge amount of thoughts. I haven't given anything a huge amount of thought for exactly 12 days. And what's the, are you, so are you getting up and doing night feeds or is Alex doing that?

What are you sort of, how are you sort of splitting it at this stage? Is she breastfeeding? Yeah, so I'll be up when she's up? Because obviously the first couple of days she was very tired so they're sort of like you know worried about her nodding off and stuff like that so yeah when you know when she's awake I'm awake but we've definitely sort of not got into the rhythm of kind of grabbing sleep during the day you know quite easy. Well from the first couple of days when you know people want to to the first couple of days when you know people to the the tho. People want. people. people. people. people w. People to to th. People. People. People. People w. People w. People w. People w. People w. People w. People were. People were want. People were want. their. their. their. their. their. they're want. People were want. People were want. they's they's they're want. their their they's their their their their their their their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the is fine, and then you get to about 2 o'clock in the morning and she wouldn't go down and just being like, oh man, what have we done? Yeah, you just crash. Visitors can absolutely do one. Yeah.

Visitors are just the absolute nightmare, I think. And it's not their fault because when you have a visitor atthat moment, you're so pleased to see the world, and you're so pleased with the human contact. But at 1 a.m. you hate that visitor that came at 2 p.m. so much. I know, and you don't really feel it then either. You know, it only really kicks in when you want, you know, you're unable to sleep. And you go like, oh, do'll have another cup of tea enough. We'll make it then. Why don't you make it? You know how tea works?

I've been running around like a blue-ass-fly for five days here. Why don't you make a cup of tea? Or just sit there, thirsty. So you going back to work full-to-like, are, I've kind of, he's back. And obviously the other thing is, we've just kind of the year that we've had. I've also come off the back of the year where I've not been working a huge amount. So it has all come at once. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Because I've noticed from our industry of what we do, because of this 21st of June, have all been sort of put on hold. So like there's not been much work for anyone in the last couple of months especially because they don't want to have to do it with loads of restrictions if they can push it into the end of June. So it has gone really quiet and all of a sudden now it's coming back to life. So it's like, and you know, doing your job

doing your job, what you put hand in hand with being the parent of an ubal is it? You know when you're getting heckled and you just think I've got nothing here, I'm so tired. Anything other than some, like in terms of doing stand-up, anything other than plane sailing is going to be a real struggle for me. I'd say as well your style is you don't take any nonsense, like the best of times even when you're in a happy mood. Do you think so? If someone's been a, well, yeah, well, I've got, remember when we did that kicking Lester to all the students? That was a long time ago. I was a very different person that. I mean, I didn't think we're gonna start digging up gigs from freaking 12 years ago. What did he do? No, right. Let's, let's, let's, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, that, that, that, that, that, that, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, to, the, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, let's, each of you tell me what the other one did to the students in less. So basically, I did have a great time either. I got a bit, I got a bit, basically it was like a gig for students, but they were all like, they were all like a gig for students but they were all like a they were all like a the their they just didn't... they just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they just just just just just just they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just they they they they they they they they just didn't they they they just didn't they just didn't they just didn't they just didn't they they they they just didn't they they they they they was comedy for like two hours. But they were just, they were in a comedy club but they were just treating it like a pub, like it was Webber Spoons.

And everyone was going on and dying and I was going on and I was going on and I didn't have a very good time. I think that's all their time. As long as you don't lose your call, just go on, do your stuff, and if they're not listening, they're not listening, but you've done your time, you'll get paid and just deliver your jokes, don't get angry with them and then walk off, right? Paul walked out and as he walked out, so I went, nice shirt, mate, and put it was the best laugh of the night to be fair. What was the, what was the shirt? What was the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, they, and, and, the, the, and, and, the, the, and, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, they, th.. tod, today, today, today, today, today, today, today, today, today, today, tha, tha, tha, thathat's about right, yeah. And it was the best laugh of the night to be fair. What was the, what was the shirt?

Well, no, what it was, was I said, I was sort of, you know, kind of giving my stand-up guru advice, which is like, as long as you keep your sense of humor, you can't fail. And it was basically like sort of doing stand upup at a football match when you did that. No one had been told that there was stand-up happening. It was like you'd sort of just turn around and started trying to do 15 minutes of stand-up. So it was hard work but I sort of said, you know, as long as you don't lose your sense of humor, you can't you can't fail. And then went on and lost my sense of humor in record time. The bloke shouted, Why Don't You Tuck Your Shirtin?

And I shouted, Why don't You Tuck Your Fucking Shirtin? And I shouted, why don't you tuck your fucking shirt and was the, uh, like, oh, that one of you. It's a great comeback. What do you think you'll be like as a father, Paul, like, do you, because it's too early to tell, but do you, their..... It's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's. It's, it's. It's. It's. It's. It's a. It's a. It's a. It's. It's. Oh, it's. Oh, it's. Oh, it's. Oh, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's. Oh, it's. Oh, it's. Oh, it's. Oh, it's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It. It's. It. It. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's a. It's a. It's a. It's a great. It's a great. It's a great. It's a great. It's a great. It's a great. It's a great. It's a great. It's a great. It's the the t. It's the t. It's a great. know, a stern disciplinarian who says why don't you take your fucking shirt in? Or do you think you'll be the fun guy who, you know, could be on CVBs? I hope that I will be a good father. I suspect they'll probably be, you know, fun dad, I would imagine.

Would you let your child do the things you did? No, definitely not. You went to red in to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the the thin, I I I I, I, I, I, I, I, what, really young did you? Yeah, I see what you, yeah, I went to Redding when I was about 14, 14. The festival or just the city? Just a lovely day out. Just the or not just the city. Just a lovely day out. Just the or the or the oracle. Just Put some sandwiches and 20 Benson's in there and off I went. I'd be able because like you had a quite a lot of freedom as a one that you talk about when you was a kid. I don't know if you'd be comfortable with your kid going to Redding at 14.

Well I think, you know, that was freedom that I gave myself more so than anything else. So I was quite a sort of rebellious the thiiiiiii rebellious, thi rebellious, thi rebellious, thi thi thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thr-a, thr-a, thi, thrown, thr-a, tho, that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that th. I, thi, thi, thi, thi, thr-a, thr-a, thr-a. thr-a. thr-a. thr-a. thr-a. theat, thr-a. theat, that that that that the. that you know I am not faced with that as a parent but you know who knows but yeah it is scary is not having teenagers like I'm terrified of the thought of reacting to teenagers what were you like as a teenager Josh we were a complete non-event I was a complete non-event I had lots of freedom because my parents were old hippies, but I took zero advantage of it, which is one of my great regrets. Well, I think sometimes if they are chilled, then you don't rebel. I don't know if your parents are strict, Paul. I had nothing to kick against. Do you know what I mean? I had nothing to kick against. So I went to Glastonbury when I was 16. Yeah. So I've I've th. I had nothing I had th. I had th. I had th. I had th. I had th. I had th. I had th. I had th. I had nothing th. I had nothing th. I had nothing th. I had nothing th. I had nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing to to to to to to to to k not nothing nothing to k k. I had nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing to k. I had nothing nothing to k. I had nothing to k. I had nothing to k. I had nothing to k nothing to k nothing to k. I had nothing to k. I had nothing nothing nothing to to to to to to to k. I had nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to k. I had nothing to k. I had nothing to k. I had nothing to k. I had nothing to k. I had nothing to k. I had nothing to k. I had nothing to k. I had nothing to k. I had nothing to k. I had nothing to k. But I went to Glastonbury when I was 16. Yeah. So I've got

my war stories. I had some hash cake and started to hallucinate at the age of 16. Deal with it. Oh Josh. You rebel. Yeah, too right. Were you a rebellious teenager? No, I was very, good boy. Very good boy. It's very nerdy. It wouldn't do anything wrong. Hated doing anything wrong. How much sleep did you have last night, Paul? Talk me through last night. Last night was a particularly bad one. I reckon our tops. Oh, God. What?

What? What? From 6 p. I just think it's one of those sort of things like, you know when you want something in life, the more more more more more more more kind of more it evades you. I think we got to the point at about three, we were like, oh, please just go to sleep. And I think she could pick up on that and, you know, she'd fall asleep while feeding and then, you know, you sort of put her down and she just wouldn't go down. Oh, mate. Have you've been out to a couple of drives, but that's it, you know, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, the the to to to to to to to to to to to to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, th. th. th. th. to, th. th. th. th. th. the the th. the th. the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the, tha, tha, tha, tha, to, to, to, to to to to to to to to to couple of drives, but that's it, you know, just kind of gone for a kind of drive around town. Does she sleep in when they're driving?

She loves that, yeah. I think that's going to be a real kind of a weapon. Yeah. Because what I used to do is drive to like, drive through a drive ever heard. School them early. It's too, drive for a bargain bucket from KFC. Hold her up so she can see the golden arches at the age of seven days. I'll swaddle her in the bucket if she's cold, pop a gravy next to her. No, but if you leave the engine running and then they sleep, so you're not having to drive

and you can have a little sleep. Oh really? So yeah, so if you get her off to sleep, right, say you're going for your drive and they're asleep, if you just leave the engine running and for their fully sick, they may just stay asleep, so then I'd go asleep. I mean, Nguer's got to their car, the and Uber. You've got to do what you've got to do. If setting fire to a fridge and tires got my baby to sleep, I'd burn them every night. And I don't give a shit what anyone says. Do you know what's going to be a game change of a parenting? The driverless car.

Yes. That's going to change everything. You'll just be able to pop to pop to pop to pop to pop to pop to pop to pop to pop to pop to pop to pop to pop to pop to pop to pop to pop to pop to pop to pop to pop to pop to pop to pop to pop your to pop your to pop your to pop your to pop your to pop your to pop your to pop your baby to pop your to pop your to pop your to pop your to to to to to to to to to to to pop to pop to pop to pop to pop to pop to pop to pop to pop to pop to pop to pop to pop to pop to pop to pop to pop to pop to pop to pop to pop to pop to pop to pop to pop to pop to pop your to pop your to pop your to pop your to pop your to pop your baby to pop your baby the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the to to So you're not even getting in the car with it in the passenger seat? Not even getting in the car, have some fun. But yeah, that's a good technique, Paul. And also just a walking, walking around a park. The fresh air gets him off to sleep. I don't know if you've done much of that. Josh has got a plan for their to put of to put an iPad on the buggy and headphones in. So once they're asleep, because what you can do is you go for a walk to get them to sleep and sit on the bench and then rock the pram with one arm and watch the euros with

the other arm. Do not feel guilty about earphones in at this point because you regret it if you get to one and you haven't had that sweet, sweet time when you had earphones in. Yeah, 100% they can't they can't notice it. There's someone who said, I was walking with my baby was asleep, like four weeks old with headphones in and someone's like, oh, I've got headphones in, you're home be able to connect with the baby. I was like, it's fucking asleep. I'm gonna connect with it now. Surely I'm connecting with Adam Boxton, thank you very much. I actually don't think I've listened to any music since. I'm a thi. I thi. I thi. I th. I th. I don't th. I don't th. I don't th. I don't th. I don't th. I don't th. I don't th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm thin. I'm theree. I'm th. I'm th. I'm thor. I'm thor. I'm thor. I'm thor. I'm thor. I'm thor. I'm thor. I'm thor. I'm thor. I'm thor. I'm thor. I'm thor. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm like. I'm like. I'm like. I'm like. I'm a th. I'm a thorough. I'm a the. I'm a the. I'm a the. I'm going. I'm going. I'm going. I'm going. I'm going. I'm going. I'm going. I'm thorough. I'm thorough. I'm out on Collins. I think Phil Collins was like, yeah, I know, imagine. I want to get hit by a bus tonight, that would be a... But walking, because we had a similar situation which our first one just wouldn't sleep. But what I'll do is I'll just take the baby up for like two hour walks.

They're either entertained by the fresh air and looking around sort of light, and if you're just doing sort of la the the the the the the the the the the the the their their their their their their their their their thaphing, thaphing, thia thia thiolape thiolets, thiolets, and looking thiolets, and looking thi, and looking thiolk, and looking thiolk, and looking thiolk, and looking thi, and looking thi, and looking thi, and looking thi, and looking thi, and looking thi, and looking thi, and looking thi, and looking thi, and looking thi, and looking thi, and looking thi, and looking thi, and looking thi, and looking thi, and looking thi, and looking thi, looking thi, looking thi, looking thi, looking thi, thi, thi, thin, thin, thou, thin, thin, thou, thin, thin, thou, thin, and looking, thin, and looking thin, and looking thin, th to the light and if not that like they're you know the the movement makes him go asleep and then Lou could chill out and have a sleep or whatever and if you're just doing sort of laps near your house if they do need feeding you can just duck in because the danger is you go too far in one direction and then if you go too far in one direction you've got a run back with a crime baby for milk yeah it's like jaws you don't to get you you don't to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to to to to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the try. try. try. try. try. try. try. try. try. try. to to to the the the to the the the the the do you? Yeah. Can I ask you some newborn questions that would have been things that took you by surprise? Yeah. How do you feel about the weird belly button thing? Oh my God. But they left the cord sort of slightly long I don't know who sort of, I mean there was one of the midwives there. She was younger actually. It's been the ones that we've seen sort of- average down. Yeah, I don't think she was sort of in the mix when they kind of were handing out the

average age, but she would just kept sort of appearing every hour and then promising shit that she just didn't deliver. She was like, oh yeah, you still not have that cord. I'll be back in a minute with, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not a the the the the the th. th. th. th. th. thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th, th, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi then just never, never coming back. So- How long is the cord? What, 30 centimeters? No, no, no, no. Is it still got that freezer bag thing on it? Freezer bag? You know, like the clamp thing that goes on the end of it? The clamp thing on it? Yes, no, well not any more, but's just going to stay on there forever. I mean, we didn't get discharged from the hospital. They just handed me the baby and I got in the motor. I'm not entirely sure if there was a few forms we needed to sign. It was actually the car door that cut off the umbilical called on the way out. I out. Actually out. I out out out out out out out out out out out actually out. I I I I I I I I the way out. I the way out. I was actually actually actually actually actually actually actually actually actually actually actually actually actually out. I the the the the the the the the the the th. I was th. It was actually actually actually the th. It was actually, it was actually th. It was just the the the th. It was just the th. It was just the the th. It was just the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. It was just, it was just, it was, it was, it was, it was. It was, it was the the the the th. It was th. It was th. It was just, it was just, it was just, it was just, it was just th. It was just th. It was just that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that th th th called on the way out. I just held her out the window and hoped it'd blow off.

But yeah it's horrible when that when it falls off that is freaked me out. That is freaked me out. Is that something from alien? Yeah, weird and then it sort of went kind of obviously a few weird colors. We thought maybe it was infected initially but then we found up and they said that that was perfectly normal so um yeah that happens. that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that was that was that th. th. th. that was that was th. that was that was that was that was that was th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi thi thi. thi. the. the. the. the. the. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi of yellow, green, then black. Oh yeah. And then eventually sort of comes off. I hate that feeling right, because you're new to it, obviously you think shit is this in fact. That's a totally natural thing. But then when they go, yeah, that's totally normal. But then when I go, yeah, to phone you up. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. They go, oh we understand, no that's totally normal. Well how am I in a know? I've only had a

baby for 12 days. Yeah. How how slow does times feel at the moment? How long ago does that 13th day feel, Paul? Does it feel like a long time ago? Is it flown by? Sort of a bit of both really, yeah, and the thrown the the th, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, to to to to to to, to, to to to to to, to, to, to, to, to, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to to, to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to, to to to, to, to, to, to, to, to, I'm to, I'm the, I the then look it back up, I mean, it was sort of slightly surreal being in the hospital because it's sort of something that's so, you know, it's happening all the time. People are always having babies and you see, so, but when it's happening to you, it just felt sort of surreal. So, kind of, I think when we were actually in there for the birth, it was kind of a bit like of a dream-like state, so, yeah, um, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, thi, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, the, the, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, th., to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, back on it now I don't really remember it perfectly clearly it's sort of what I also don't really remember what it was like being there but have you had any moments of like I actually feel quite chill and relax we've got a handle on this now or at any point and then it went went sideways again yes for pretty much the whole of that first 24

hours like an idiot of course we've got the perfect baby you know it's just but no not since then I'd say as the days have gone I felt less and less in control. And without us giving you a clue at what point have you got a you must because everyone who has a new baby does, it feels like, oh I certainly did, you have a time frame in your head when you think it'll probably be all right by then. I've got six weeks in my head for some reason, which again is probably, I just sort of,

do you know what, it's that kind of thing where, and she does feel like her eyes look a lot clearer so I feel like she's seeing me in a way that she wasn't For good or for bad She's pretty thinking, oh Jesus Christ. Oh, you know, it's this guy But um, you know, I think certainly for the first week There was no sense that she could even sort of you weren't registering whereas now I was just holding her before she started So I was holding her in it does feel like she could see you so So I suppose once you know you're able to get a kind of reaction. Yeah, I don't know, I think to be able to reason with us probably a little bit ambitious but you know like sweet. But yeah I know what it mean though it just feels like you're getting something back rather and just you know this inanimate object. Just crying you know when when they're hungry the crying

is just like the worst thing in the world has happened. Yeah or is happening it's just the. Well I mean you've heard a baby crying. What does it sound like Paul? I don't know what's going wrong with you Paul because my baby's ever crying? What's that crying? What's that crying? What's that? What's that crying? What's that? What's that sound like Paul? I don't know what's going wrong with you, Paul, because my baby's never crying. What's that crying? What's that name? When does that happen? Is it happened once or does it keep happening? And what are your kind of, like, how much of a laugh are you having between the two of you?

Because I'd say, I have made Rose laugh zero times in the last month? Yeah, I'd say like twice a day is really good going. And actually, do you know what, the whole way through the pregnancy, that was not the case? Like, you know, there was a, we had a good time. No, that's not to say that we're not having a good time now, but it's... It's just busy. It's just chift work, it's just a th. It's just a th. It's just a thi. It's just a thi. It's just a thi. It's just a shift work work work, it's just a thi. It's just a thi. It's a thi. It's a thi. It's a thi. It's a thi. It's a thi. It's just a thi. It's a thi. It's a thi. It's a thi. It's a good-a'er. It's-a'er. It's noth. It's noth. It's noth. It's noth. It's noth. It's noth. It's noth. It's a thi. It's a thi. It's a thi. It's a thi. It's a thi. It's a thi. It's a thi. It's a thi. It's a thi. It's a thi. It's a thi. It's a thia'a'a'a'a'a'a'era'era'era'era'era'era'era'era'era'era'era'era'era'er. It's just shift work isn't it essentially. Yeah. You basically work in the night shift, it's one other colleague, and it's non-stop. It's unpaid. And there's no holidays. Have you had a moment yet where, because I vividly remember having a moment about a weekend, yeah, where I thought, oh my God, this is forever. I would be lying if I had, you know, it was to say that I'd not had that thought.

Yeah, it's just sort of like, oh, wow. This, you know, the reality of it, it was so easy to give something like this lip service I think without fully engaging in the kind of, yeah, so yes, I have had that thought in answer to your question Josh. I think poor Paul's so tired just these cushions are too deep I think he's gonna love to have counseling after this is the life after death I think would you like would you like fries and coat with that would be too deep at this.

What my ease up with a philosophy I just came in here for a burger. Just stop getting in my head, yeah? What's this? A third degree, mate. How are you, well, let's ask on food. How are you eating? Like, are you... Not at all well, actually, which is not nightly. I keep forgetting to eat.

Yeah, I did that the other day. I did 18 hours without realizing. Yeah, it's really bad. I sort of, like, and I'm, you, you, you, you, th, th, th, th, th, I did that the other day. I did 18 hours without realizing. Yeah, it's really bad. I sort of like, and I'm usually, you know, someone with a healthy appetite and I've kept getting to sort of dinner time and going like, shit, I haven't actually had anything to eat today. Yeah. Are you getting takeaways, that today today. Yeah. You're getting takeaways. the thing. You like, you're like, to, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, to, the, to, to, the, to, to, the, the, the, to, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, the, the, and I'm, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, th. I, th. I, th. I, th. I, th. I, I, I, I, I, I, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, th. I'm usually, the, th. I'm usually, th. I'm usually, th. I'm usually, th. I'm usually, tod. I'm usually, th. I'm usually, th. I'm usually, th. I'm usually, the, th. I'm usually, th. of thing and then we went and got sort of takeout pizzas last night. Do you know you can do a thing? I've not seen it where you do like a, you set up a website and you send it all to your friends and then it's a schedule of people can deliver food to you. You are like a spreadsheet. Like a wedding list. A meal train like a spreadsheet. We basically, like a spreadsheet. presumptuous, and you basically all fit in a slot

to go, oh, I'll drop round a chicken charmain on that day. Amazing. Oh wow. But, um... How much will be on the phone to your friend who's forgotten? Where's my chicken chow main? Where's my chicken chow main? I'll be honest with you, I don't

think I'll do that for someone. I struggle into think of any friends that would cook me a dinner. Half of them won't even get around in. I know what? If someone said to me on Thursday, I'm gonna need you to cook me a dinner I would say can I get you a deliverer ordered to your house and there's no way I'm barely cooking myself dinner I'm almost tempted to set up a WhatsApp group just to see what the response would be from some people hi guys as you may know I've recently had a baby just wanted to put this out I was wondering if you got you guys between you would mind sorting out a rotter where you yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. I. I. I. I. I. I. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm just. I'm just. I'm just. I'm just. I'm just. I'm just. I'm just. I'm just. I'm just. I'm just. I'm just. I'm just. I'm just. I'm just. I'm to to to to to to to to to to to to to the. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I'm. I'm. I'm the. I'm the the the the the the the th. I'm th. I'm the the the the the th. I'm the the the the the the the the the the the the, yeah, no that would not. That's a bit too much, isn't it?

I mean, I don't know if I'd do that, but yeah, that's a bit of a full-on set up. You must have had a lot of gifts. How have you done with the, I'd say, I lost track of who to thank, or how to thank them, or how to, or how to, or, them, or, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, them, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, I, I, I, I, I, I don't, I, I, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, do, do, do that, don't that's, don't know, don't know, I don't know, I don't know, don't know, don't know, I don't know, I don't that's, I don't that, I don't, I don't, oh yeah, all those people who I've bought stuff for when they had babies and I never got thanked. Of course they didn't thank me. They've got a bigger stuff going on. Or are you all over it? Well, it's just my wife is good at keeping a list, so. The mental load. That's part of the mental load.

A lot of knitted stuff. There's been a lot of a... midwives. It looks like World War II in our front room. Should we stick a bonnet on? Might as well. Garments that you've not seen for about sort of 40 years. Yeah. I don't even know how you'd wear this one. Bloomers. They've got it bloomers. Can I ask whether you think, because I can't make this decision. And Rob, I don't know the difference between your children's birthdays. But do you think because I can't make this decision, and Rob, I don't know the difference between your children's birthdays, but do you think this would be easier in winter when there's less going on outside and it's dark in the evenings, or do you think the sun is giving you some kind of hope when you're

waking up in the morning after your hour's sleep? Would you prefer a winter or a summer bait? That was one of the longest questions I've ever... I can't even speak. I'm so tired as well. Pauling a party. Would you prefer a winter, would you prefer to winter baby? Why are you saying it again? Why you said again? Because I don't, I'm hoping they'll edit that bit out, Rob. We're leaving it in, yeah. Okay, because this recap the question or does it make sense? You even fucked up the recap! I even fucked up the recap! Rob, hold it together mate. Paul, do you think it's good having a baby in the summer or would it been better in the winter when everyone's wrapped up indoors? I think it's good actually particularly at the moment because it means that you're nice to be able to go out kind of these, isn't it? Yeah, sit, sit, sit, sit, sit, sit, sit, sit, sit, sit, sit, sit, sit, sit, sit, the their, their, their, their, is, is, is, is, is, is their, is they. they. they, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, their, their, they, they, to, to, to, together, together, together, together, together, together, together, together, together, together, together, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, together, together, together, together, together, together, together, together, their, their, together, their, their, together, together, together, together, together, together, together, together, together, together, together, together, together, together, together, together, together, your houses are mess, you can just take them to the garden. But yeah, the winter babies are a bit bleak.

Like, if you go for a nice stroll now in the park, but when I was taking them out in January, it was, that was hardcore. Because you could never judge the layers when they're really small. Because you don't want them like in the garden like even if they just had a little baby groping on but in the winter you're so worried about being cold and I definitely you definitely overlayer them and it's so hard trying to get the layers on a kid it's ridiculous. Yeah it's much easier also if they do a shit in the summer because it's then you can just get to the shit. You've got to get in there, haven't you? There's an effort. Yeah, and it can, they can destroy about 15 different levels of clothes. Yeah, exactly.

If you had their massive Poonamis? Oh my God. That's hard not to take that personally, isn't it? When you sort of, uh, that's all right, I'll change this one and then you sort of take it off and then it's like, what's that your cue to start shitting? It's like three in a row as well. So you just go like, oh, might as well, I don't know what. I don't know what you do in that scenario. I suppose just sort of letting them literally get it out of their system. Wait a try. Have you been good with the shit? to the, obviously, you said, never changed the napper before. No. Have you adapted to the, like, are you now fine with the shit and all that? Oh yes, yeah, yeah, he loves it. I don't love it. I mean, I've had to sort of have to something up, I'd say I'd rather not, but like, um, but no, I think, it's just the first, it's just the first, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's like doing a, you know, like a duck pancake, isn't it? You're like, oh, what the, but yeah, I've got, I've got into the swing of it.

And obviously also when the cord was still on there, you're having to sort of like do it around that to make sure that that didn't get caught underneath it and stuff like that. Yeah, it's all the baby goes okay they've got a handle on this as a new variant of my behavior I'm gonna bang out now I'm just gonna decide just to cry all day and go sleep all night and swap it up but that's the thing you can't ever you don't ever get a handle on it it's constantly evolving good that's good that's good to hear I'm really glad I did this. It does get easier Paul.

I've just come away from a new set of worries. No, I'm going to say it now, Paul. I'm going to say it. I, in the last two or three days, my, what's it? What is he? My son has started doing three hour sleeps a night and I feel like I'm a new man and so I can't believe I'm saying this but the fact he's doing a three hours in a sitting, it does get better. And I can say that four weeks in you might be looking

at three hours straight sleep. How does that feel Paul? On an hour's sleep it's a sort small consolation it has to be said. You're gonna you're gonna treble to to to to to to to to to tribble tribble tribble tribble tribble tribble tribble try sleep tribble try sleep try sleep try sleep try sleep try sleep tip tip tip try sleep try sleep to their sleep their sleep to their sleep their sleep their sleep their sleep their sleep their sleep their sleep their sleep their sleep their sleep their sleep their sleep their sleep their sleep their sleep their sleep their sleep their sleep their sleep their sleep their sleep the the the the the the the the try sleep try sleep try sleep try sleep try try try try try try try tri-tri-f. tri-f. tri-f. I tri-f. I tri-f. I tri-f. I tri-up. I to to to to to to to to to try. I does that feel, Paul? On an hour's sleep, it's a sort of small consolation, it has to be said. You're going to treble your sleep. I had a night where I had two bits of three-hour sleep and I woke up in the morning and I found myself thinking, why am I not like fresh again? Because I just had that and thou that still shit sleep sleep but in my head I was like I've just had two blocks of three hours I should be absolutely buzzing at this point. I've lost all perspective. Yeah well two more weeks Paul I think you are at the hardest part now and it does get easier really yeah it never ever is as hard as the first few weeks and also it it to constantly evolve and you can never get a handle on it but over the the the the the th. the th. the th. the th. th. the th. to to to to the to to to to th. to th. to to to to to to to to to to to to be to be to be to be to be. to be to be. to be. I'm to be. I'm. I'm. I'm just. I'm just. I'm just. I'm just. I'm just. I'm just. I's. I's. I's. I. I. I to be. I. I I I. I I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm to to th. to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to be to be to be th. And also it does constantly evolve and you can never get a handle on it, but over time you will care less.

Yes. Which is quite an important thing because at the moment is everything is so intense and everyone keeps asking so many questions you don't know what you're doing really. Yeah. Because you're just learning. It's just a bit overwhelming. It gets a lot of sleep. And it before you know it, you go, you, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, th, th, to, thi, they, they, they, the, the, the, they, they, they, they, the, to, to, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, they.. And, they. And, tti, ti, tttto.. And, ttthe. And, thea.e. thea. thea. thea. thea.'ll actually feel alright, but it feels like you'll never feel like that. But you will. It'll be alright, Paul.

Thanks, Rob. Cheers, mate. Yeah, I genuinely believe, Paul, that if you listen to this in a year, you'll go, you won't even remember this. That's the best bit about this. We'll have to get you back on after when the baby's about then they're really tragic follow-up episode. Yeah. That's it. It's gone down to 45 minutes a night actually like, I know exactly how you feel because exactly how every new parent feels. But it's good though, Paul because there'll be other people listening to this in the same situation as you go, oh, fuck it's not only me. Good. Well, I'm not going to lie one of th th th th those th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th tho tho tho tho tho the tho tho tho the tho the the tho the to be to be to in the same situation as you go, fuck it's not only me. Good. Well, I'm not going to lie one of those people's me. One last question, Paul, which you may be too early at this point

because it's such early days for you and Alex. But is there something that Alex does parenting wise that annoys you, but you can't mention because it will turn into a massive row, or is it too early for that and she's been amazing and she's still covering from a sleep section? It feels too mean. Yeah, absolutely. I feel if I was listening to my husband on one hour's sleep and he started laying into my parenting style 12 days in, I would have every right to never speak to him again. But if they're saying on a catch-up episode you be like, how's it going Paul? I go, well I'm speaking to you from a new home. I'm settling quite nicely I am getting the full eight hours sleep but I haven't seen my wife or my daughter.

You will. You will. You will. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Brilliant. We'll get asleep. Don't worry, keep the faith. You will. You will. You will.

Believe. All right, I speak to you later. Nice. Bye-bye. Paul. Paul McCaffrey, Josh, I really feel sorry for him. I feel four weeks in like I'm an old hand. I feel like I feel like I'm like, oh remember that two weeks ago. Genuinely, that made me feel like my child at university.

It was unbelievable. But you're also, it's your second time round, so you're a bit more used to it. It's such a shock and such a stressful thing. And he's so blessed. Because I know Paul and he just, he was so tired. Yeah. He's had an hour sleep. they, they they should should should should should should should should should should he he he he he should he should he should he should he's th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. thi. thi. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. thi. tho. thi. tho. thi. thi. thi. tho. thi. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. the. the. the. the. toea. tooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo should have done this another time bless him I know but you know what I'm glad he didn't because it was perfect for our podcast

Oh, but poor son we're getting back on after a few weeks But he's yeah, that is tough when they just don't sleep that is the thing if they don't sleep your whole life is just put on hold isn't it? Well, I think you also, you know, he, lived 46 years of his life without ever having one hour's sleep a night, without it being a night out. Do you know what I mean? There's never been a point before in his life where he's had the situation where he needs to only have one hour's sleep. And suddenly, that's what you're existing on. Poor bastard, yeah.

I mean, that podcast there is for anyone that has got newborns that are struggling. So if you're not on your own, everyone is struggling and also the people that had newborns, they've got older kids now, we all remember that time. But do you know what we don't in a way? Do you know what I mean? It's so extreme that you don't, the amount of people who I've described what I'm going through in the last few weeks and they're like, oh yeah, maybe it was like that for us and you're like, how do you not properly vividly remember this? I think you just sort of block it out, don't you?

It's like PTSD. Exactly. Anyway, it's Paul McCaffrey, check out his stuff online. He's on Instagram. He's got loads of funny. the funny guy, and we'll get him back on when he's. to. to. to. could he bless him at points? No it did feel at some points like should I be asking you about something else completely is this the worst topic to ask you about the today? If you just talk about Matt the Tizier his glory is at Southampton for 10 minutes just a you're a big Southampton about the euros and he was like I don't I haven't thought about it and like I and like I you doing me? Oh, bless.

Anyway, that was Paul McCaffrey people, and we'll be chatting with you on Tuesday. Don't forget to send in any of your stories, any of your Am I being a Cairns and any... If anyone's more tied than Paul McCaffrey, let us know. I can't imagine it, can you? No, no, they can't be. If you are, do right in. If you're like the the the th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th. th. thi, thi, thi, thi, th. th. to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th. thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thee, thee, thee, thee, thee, thee. to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to if you've got the energy. What's that film with Christian Bailin where he's got insomnia? The machinist? The machinist, perhaps, but beyond that. Hello, Charles. You can get in contact, Hello at lockdown parenting.

tho'coude to the today people. See you later. Bye. Bye. Hello. Alan Davis here, inviting you to join me by listening to a new podcast, Seven Pillars. Each episode I'll be talking to a famous guest to discuss seven significant cultural influences, inspirations or experiences. Seven things that help shape them, that they loved or that they return to again and again and hold a special place in their life. From films and music, books, food, places

and memories, the podcast asks seven questions that will spark stories for the guests and give the listener an insight into the minds and passions of some of the most interesting comedians, writers, philosophers, and raconteurs around. Starting with comedian Romish Ranganathen in in episode one which is out now. And in the coming weeks we have Hollywood actor Walton Goggins, Comedy Legend Joe Brand, Author and Intellectual Heavyweight, Jay Perini, and many more. You can find the show by searching seven pillars on all podcast platforms.