Parenting Hell with Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe - S03 EP12: Chris McCausland

Episode Date: August 20, 2021

ROB BECKETT & JOSH WIDDICOMBE'S PARENTING HELLS03 EP12: Chris McCausland Joining us in the studio this episode to discuss the highs and lows of parenting (and life) is the brilliant stand-up comedian and actor (Rudi in the CBeebies show Me Too! ) - Chris McCausland. Enjoy. Rate and Review. Thanks - Rob and Josh xxxIf you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @parenting_hellINSTAGRAM: @parentinghellA 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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and member terms apply hello I'm Rob Beckett I'm I'm Josh Willickham welcome to parents in hell the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, to make ourselves and hopefully you feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern-day parenting each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or hopefully how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with your tips, advice and of, of course, tales of the the the the the the the the the their their their their their their their their their their their their trials theirs. theirs. I trials theirs. I trials trials trials tri-a. I they're coping. Or hopefully how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you the listener with your tips, advice, and of course, tales of parenting woe. Because let's be honest, there are plenty of times where none of us know what we're doing.

Hello and you are listening to Parenting Hell with... Sophia, can you say Josh Whitcomb? Josh Whitcomb. And Robbeckett. Oh, yeah. That was cute. There we go. There we go. There's, I think maybe, there's a second one. Should we try it.

Yeah, give it a bash. The same one. They've said the same one it? Give it a bash. The same one. They've sent the same one twice. The French Way. The French Way. So that is Zafia and her dad, Marcin, Marcin, from Corby. Corby.

You can't have that accent in Corby. I've been to Corby, Robbie. It's a tough old gig. It's all Gadswigians, it's all Glaswegians. Full of Scots, full of Scots. Full of Scots. Those the Scottish people will move down there to work in the mines and the mines shut. Yeah, if it is a little tip, it's quite a niche tip, I'd lap it up. Yeah, Acast would have a bad gig in Corby. Oh yeah. Not just because he's from Ketering. I'm not gonna lie to you. I love the podcast that helped me through the night shifts during lockdown with a smile on my face.

Here's a recording of my three and a half year old. Today she filled her pom pom pom to me for inventing it. in 10 weeks. Jesus! 10 weeks! That's a hard task master. God, 10 weeks, that's a commitment. So what's she getting? Huge thank you to Rob for inventing it. It's my only weapon against her. Keep up the good work. Love you guys, all the best. Marcian and the defiers of here. From Corby. I would say I cannot take credit for that. Lou invented it. Lue's that. Loo's a th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th the th th th th th th th th th th th th th. th th th. th th. th th. th th th. th th th. Thank th. Thank that. Thank you that. Thank you're th. Thank you th. Thank th. Thank th. Thank th. Thank th. Thank th. Thank th. Thank th. Thank th. Thank th. Thank th. Thank th. Thank th. Thank th. Thank th. Thank th. Thank th. Thank th. Thank th. Thank th. Thank th. Thank th. Thank th. Thank th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. to. th. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. Rob. Rob. tha. tha. tha. tha. Rob. tha. tha. thpom jar. I don't think she invented it, but Lou brought it to me and then I've just, I'm just a messenger. Lose the queen. You're just spreading the word. Lou's, the parent in legend and I'm only half good

because I'd listen to her basically that's how it works. Well, you promised us a voice memo from Lou. This is great. do it and then we can always remove it. So basically we've got right this cat, big grey cat, the kid's called Fluffter, very friendly, comes up, Lou started feeding it, giving it dreams, treats. Well, your own worst enemy there. Thank you, that's what I said. They stroke Fluffter. They like Fluffter. the start coming in the house, eating Alan, our other cat. So I've been going no and shooing it out, right. And I the they, they, they, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, they, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, loo, loo, loo, loo, loo, loo, loo, loo, loo, loo, loo, loo, loo, loo, loo, loo, loo, loo, loo, loo, loo, loo, loo, loo, loo, loo, loo, loo, loo, loo, loo, loo, loo, loo, loo, loo, loo, loo, loo, loo, loo, loo, loo, loo, loo, loo, loo, loo, loo, loo, loo, the they. Loo, the t, t, they. Loo, t, t, t, t, t, t, toy, toy, toy, toy, toy, loo, loo, loo,, right? Get out, get out, get out. And then he's been beating up Alan outside. All right? The other day, very embarrassing. I needed my hair cut, my normal guy couldn't do it,

and then my brother couldn't do it because he was up in town because he works in a barber's now. So I've got this and it came to me because I was really busy with work and Lego land. He comes in my front room, giant lump of cat shit in the corner of the room. Oh my god. I pick it up and I'm sorry there's a cat shit and the house is a mess. It's really bad, right? Yeah.

Anyway, sit down for the air car, after with him. He's never done this at all. He's got a cat flap. He can go out. We've always got the back door open as well. Like he's nervous. No, it's not because he's nervous. Okay, right? This is what this is what theythought. Anyway, so I'm like, I'm on radio too at this point, and Lou sends me a message and I open it up and I'm on loud and this nearly gets paid out on radio two, but I sort of stop

it just before it does because I didn't know it was a voice message, but Lou sends me this. After, back door shut, cat flap's locked. I've got the upstairs windows open to get some air in. He climbed in through our fucking window and was like trapped in the house. I think she's gone back out a window because I can't find her in the house, but can you get the back door open in time? Like you're cheeky shak, hey, get out of my house. I'm sorry, I don't know what the owners would do about it, but like, a picture of her the th. thia thia thian thian thian thian thian thi thi, I thi, I thi, I thi, I thi, I thi, I thi, I thi, I thi, I thi, I thi, I thi, I'm tho, I'm thi, I can't tho, I'm tho, I can't tho, I can't to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get, but I can't to get, but I can't to get, but I can't th, but I can't th, but I can't th th th th th thi, I can't the the their their their their their their thi, I can't thi, I can't thi, I can't thi, I can't thoomoomoomoomoomoomorrow, I can't thoomoomorrow, I can't thooomoomorrow, can't thoomorrow, can't thothis? Because it's terrorizing my house. What's the road group? Stupid little cat.

I think she definitely shouted in the living room. I think it's her. It's not Alan. He doesn't do that. Oh, there's a lot to pick out of that, Rob. I know. I know. First of all, are we going to bleep the seabob? Well, I think it added a slight texture to it. Like, in Lou's, I've never heard Lou say that word.

Has she put it on the road group, Rob? What, not that voice message? No, not voice really. Not that word. I've never heard to say that, right? the today is a tough to the house. that's, Lou, Lou, Lou, Lou, Lou, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that. that. that. that. that. that. that's that's that's that that that that that that that that that that's that's that that that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that that that that that that that that that, I that, I's, I's, I's that. I's, I's, I that. I that. that, I is that, I is that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's th is th is th is th is th tho, I tho, I's thooooo, I've thooooooo, I've too, I've thooooooooooooooo't do that Rob. Alan doesn't do that. So what's been happening is the cat has been climbing in through the window and then not been able to get out in time to go to the toilet until we come back or so it's been doing shit in our front room. Yeah. Because you can get through the window to the window but to the window. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. the. the. the's the. the. thea' thea' thoe. thoe. thoe. thoe. tho the. the. the. the. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the's the. the. the. the's the. the. the. the is the is to to to toea. toea. toea'a'a'a'a'a'a'a'a'a'a'a'a'a'a'a'a'a'a' thea' that fed it in the first place, Rob. Luz's fault. Anyway, in Lou's defense, she's very angry then, but I think she'd found another pile of poo. And that day, right? That day, I was out working all day. That was when I did

the radio and I did this TV thing. I was out from seven in the morning to like midnight. And the kids were playing and the kids were playing. And the kids. And the kids were their. And their. And their. And their. And their. And their. And their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their th. th. their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their. th. And she's. And she's. And th. And th. And th. And th. And th. And th. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. left the house, she was indoors tiding up. Guess how many, guess how many steps she did? What do you mean? She was in, so she never left the house? She never left the house. She never left the house. She never left. She never the house.

The kids were playing all day did. How many? 14,000. 14,000 in her own house. And our house, it's not like we live on an a mansion. 10,000 that meant to aim for, isn't it? 10,000 is what you aim for when you're like commuting and walking around going to a shop that you have to go out from. 14,000 in her own house. And we's not like one of these football mansions houses where you're walking down a big entrance hall, it's just a normal house. No, exactly. It's not an airport. It's not got, you've not got those travelators to cut down on steps. That is insane.

I know. It's the start. I thinks she was quite stressed, but let's be honest Rob, this was during Radio 2,000 steps in by that point. Imagine what the mood was like by the evening. I know! But yeah, so then I saw when she came home and she'd come down, she had a glass of red wine, but yeah, this cat is ruining our life, so I'm going to have to sort it out. I've got two questions. Did Lou follow through on putting a picture on the road group? I the the the the the the road the the road the the the the road th th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I to to to to to to to to to to to th. I too too to to to too. too. too. tho. told. told. told. told. told. I'll told. I'll told. I'll to to to to to to to to to too. I'm too. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the the th. the the the the tooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo the on the road group. I don't know I'll go and I'll ask her now. And second question what kind of traffic no pun intended is the road group doing what what kind of what kind of what's that

that's a lockdown set up one that now very rarely gets used and I'm not okay okay okay fair enough on the group yeah but we can we can we can complete to see what I've to that the to.. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the they. they. they. they. the is. the is the is the is th thrown. they. thrown is the. th. th. they. they. they. they. they. they. I's. I's. I's. I'm they. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. the the the the the the the the the thr thr thr thr try. tre. tre. tre. tre. tre. tre. tre. tre. I'm. tre. tre. tre. tre. I'm. tre. I'm. I'm. Iak the sea word. I've never heard of saying that. It's really a very out of character for her, but she she had it up to here. And has the cat been back since? Well, it tried to come in last night and I chased it. She tried to come in the house and said go away. But if you say go away or clap, she will Well yeah I've just I've been putting grease on door handles anyway for a laugh just for me but yeah I'm potentially gonna sort of, I'm, I'm not gonna get cat lovers set up some sort of trap. No I'm just being sort of like a pot and a pound just to scare it off a little bit just so it's not knows it's not welcome. I the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the their their their their their their their their their their their their their their is is their is not their is not their is not their is not no their is not no their is not no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no is's not welcome is's not welcome is's not welcome is is is not welcome is not their their their their their their their their their their their their their toy. toy. toy. toy. toy. toy. toy. toy. toy. their. I's. I's not. I's not. I's not. I's not. I's not. I's not. I'm not going to get cat lovers giving me grief, am I? I don't think so. Because it's sitting in my house, Josh. I don't think you need to offer an open house to all neighborhood cats.

No, I was quite happy with it coming and sitting on the doorstep and we feed in it and we sit in the fucking cat. She feeds the cat with the kids. I don't want a cat. I don't want another cat, Josh. Sick of it. Is it a stray? We had a stray.

It's a frai. I tell you what, if a stray shit's like that, I wouldnook it to the vet. Yeah. Because it was in our garden for about two months, right? Yeah, we started feeding it, Rob. Of course you had. And I thought I should just take it to, because I don't think it's got home, because it's there when we get up in the morning and it's there, you know. Yeah. Took it to the they came, it was chipped. And they said, we're going to keep it and give it to the person. Yeah. And then they said, do you want to come in and say goodbye? No. No.

I don't want to stand in front of a vet and have an emotional scene with a cat. You should you should have gone in and said yeah I do and turned up and then looked in the eye and said goodbye and they just kissed it on the lips. Just to see what the just to see what the vet would do. Have we got some Instagrams? We have we got a load of Instagram messages here. Okay so you know I had a terrible time with a basketball hoop. A pepper pig world. Yeah. Because it was oval apparently, allegedly. Yeah. It's like an oval hook so it's harder to get in. Anyway so this. So th. So the the the the the the they's they's they's they's they's they's they've they've they've they've they've they've they've they've they've they've they've they've they've got they've got they've got they've got they've got the they've got the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. I th. I've th. the. the. theat. theat. the. the. the. the. the. the. the the the the the the the the the the time of the basketball hoop at Pepper Pig world. Yeah. Because it was oval apparently, allegedly. It's like an oval hoop, so it's harder to get in. Anyway, so this is what they've got this one here. Hi guys, just finished listening to the podcast.

I have some information that make Rob feel a little better regarding the teddy basketball shoot fell. Basically I spent 15 quid. This is a way to break the system without playing. If you enter the theme parks early, head to the stands first thing and simply ask how much to buy. Usually, this will cost you 20 to 25 quid, but storeholders use this as a free marketing for the stand. Oh, so you go in early and buy it for 20 or 25 quid and walk around with it and people go, oh, it must be easy to win. Oh, wow. Just think of all th th th th th th th th this th th th th th th th th thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi tho thi thi thi thi thi tho thu thu thu thu thu thu thu thu thu thu thu thu thu thu thu thu thu thu thu thu thu thu thu thu thu thu thu thu thu thu thu thu thu thu thu thu. thu. thu thu. thu thu thu to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to all those times you see mainly tired parents walking around the theme parts clutching their winnings. I hate a break to you Rob but most of them are a lie. Oh no. Hope this makes you feel a little better because it makes it look like it's easy to win. Oh you fuckers.

Unbelievable. I love the show thanks tothe tip. You made me feel a lot better. That is a great tip. I wouldn't buy it though because what were you trying to win again? A giant teddy wearing a what you want is a giant teddy wearing a Rolex Rob. The Rolex that you've got out of one of those machines where you have to send the claw down. I'm thinking about buying a fake Rolex. Are you people might assume it's real. People might just the tell and then you don't have to spend a load of money on it. I don't think I'm going to buy anything designer of again. I might just go to Turkey. What do you do again Rob?

I don't I don't relate you as a man who's covered in designer labels. No, I'm not really a designer guy. What designer clothes of a vote. I still count like Reese's designer. Next. No. as designer but that's not what we design a sort of high-end high street isn't it? What designer stuff have I got? Next? Next, no, what have I bought? What I bought?

I bought some yeasies. Oh, did you? They're a bit price, yeah. They're like a couple of hundred quid. I look mental in them. No, really, Lou sometimes will at Christmas I'll treatment as a designer bag or something. th. th. th. th. th. th. th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, I, th, th, th, th, th, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, I, I, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I've, I, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, th.. th. th. th. th. th. tha, tha, tha, tha, tha, tha, tha. What, tha. tha. tha. tha. tha, tha, tha, I've, treat it to a designer bag or something like that. But the problem is then I just get like, and she wanted a pair of flashy trainers for Christmas, like Valenciaga's, right? I'll buy them for, yeah, I buy them for it. I'm not a big Balenciaga trainer fan. I don't think they just look mental I think but look. Yeah. Anyway now, because I bought them., from Valenciaga emails, got a new drop of new trainers. I'm like, I literally bought a pair once in my wife. I am never going to buy

them ever. I'll get every, I know more about the new Mulberry bags and anyone else in the country. The mailing list that you're still signed up to after one purchase is so annoying. I went to watch Nottingham Forest and I had to join some kind of Nottingham Forest maillist. I don't give a flying fuck about Nottingham Forest. I was just on tour in Nottingham and I had a day to kill. And every week I'm getting an email about tickets to Nottingham Forest game. I never press unsubscribe. It's such an easy fit. No, I just need to. But when is that going to be my priority? I got offered a Burnley season ticket yesterday. Yeah. I live in London, I don't like Burnley, I'm not going to buy it. Did I unsubscribe?

No, I'm still getting it. Yeah, of course. It's like the thing that is currently in the top corner of my computer saying, do you want to do updates? remind me. those updates mate. If you did you might be able to download the voice notes a bit quicker. Yeah exactly I mean I'm my own worst enemy but there is never a point where I sit down to work and I think I should do those updates. Yeah I'm never at my computer killing time no. Well I've never like oh I'm not got much to do actually I might do an update. Yeah to do as well just leave it but it's like we're gonna have to turn the computer off and back on you like I'm out I prefer that I prefer a slow computer

forever please get involved in that witchcraft yeah well maybe that's a good one any any random mailing list you're still signed up to let's so let's go I've got this penis extension one and I've got this this penis this penis this dick to be? You can't put an extension extension can't you? Exactly. You don't want to do the full six inches, do you? Oh, it's a lot of fun this show. Four and a half is enough dick. I've always said it. Exactly. Now, oh, we've got another one here. Oh, hi Rob, Josh. This Instagram, Katie Louise Haley there. I've just listened to your episode with Babatunda and it reminded me of a strange way I used to comfort my son. This was a Babatundi's son likes to put his hand under his arm here. Yeah, of course. As a baby he was a terrible sleep and he struggled to settle him for a few months. The only thing that worked was laying beside him and letting him their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their. He he. He he. He he. He he, th. He's th. He's th. He's thi. He's thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, he's thi, I was a strange, I was a strange, I was a strange, I was a strange, I was a strange, I was a strange, I was a strange, I was a strange, I was thi, I thi, I thi, I thi, I thi, I thi, I thi, I thi, I thi, I thi, I thi, I thi, I thi, I thi, I thi, I thi, thi, thi, thi, toomoomorrow, toge. He's togea, toguui, today, today, today, thi, thi, th he fell asleep. I'm threased to say he's now two and has totally grown out of it.

P.S. Love your podcast, thanks for the laughs. But Katie Louise Halea with the teeth scratch. That is a weird one. That's really weird. Also as well, because I've got big teeth, it still feels like there's not enough space. No. That is an odd one, isn't it? Jaworake in that one. Oh, the last thing you need when you can't get to sleep and your baby's scratch. Imagine having to gurn with your teeth out trying to get your kids to sleep, right? Oh God, he's almost there. I do want to have a drink but I can't because he's scratched my teeth. We've got another tooth related story. My mom who was 73 was having chest infections quite a long time and eventually got a scan done. They found a small

black shadow and we feared the worst. Yeah. On a closer inspection they decided they decided on surgery to check it. They opened her up through the ribs, opening their lung to find a tooth lying inside. Oh my God. They said it had been there for when she was around nine. No. It must must fallen out when she scept and went into her lung. Oh my gosh. She kept the tooth. Happy to send you a picture of this small black monstrosy. No, David. Oh, God, that's the kind of thing.

That is the great anecdote you first time you hear it, and when she tells everyone. But when you're going around with your mom, you, you, the the the the the th and she, th and she, th and she, th and she, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, th, th, tho, thin, thin, th, th, th, th, tho, tho, tho, to me, too, too, told, told, told, told, to send, told, told, told, told, told, told, told, told, to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the the too, the the toooooooooooooooo, too, the too, the too, the too, too, too, too, too, tho, too a tooth story and you're like oh god here we go mom you know that is brutal a tooth in your lung do you get this is really random you people listen to the podcast sometimes say things back to you like you know sometimes people quote things from your stand up or a thing you've said on tele but you know we don't really think about what I'm saying on here it's just a conversation I sort of forget I so the the the the the the the the the the th so th so th so th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th th I th th th th th th th I th I th I th I don't to to to to th thi I don't to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to that I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't the the the the the the the the th tho tho the the tho tho the tho tho tho told told to to to told tho to to to to to to to to tho tho to come up to me in the street and went, Limei. And I went, what are you talking? What? What? What? You're talking? What? No, nothing else. Just Limei. Pointed at me, Limei. I went, what you talking? It went, Limei. And then, oh, yeah, the bloke who put Lyme I, but I felt, I felt like an out-of-body experience. Just-it-it-it-it-I-it-I-I-in-I-in-it-I-I-in. Just. Just. Just. Just. th-I-I. th-I. th-I. th-I. th-I. th-I. th-I. th-I. But. But, no. But, no. But, no. But, no. But, no. But, no. But, no. But, no. But, no. But, no. But, no. But, no. But, no. But, no. But, no. But, no. But, no. But, no. But, no. But, no. But, no. But, no. But, no. But, no. But, no. But-no. But-no. But-no. But-no. th-no. th-no. th-no. th-no. th-no. th-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I. th-I. th-I. th-I. th-I. th-I. th-I. No. No. No. No. th-I. No. th-I. th-I. th-no. th-no. th-'t really tried to do but have ended up is people know so much about our lives now. I know. It's so weird. But they come in with like half a conversation

like how was that? You know, pardon? All that go drag and ride backwards. What? Oh yeah? Oh yeah, yep. Also because people listen to the podcast like out of sync. Yeah. So people people will reference something that you did a year ago, like you go oh yeah? Oh yeah. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, th, oh, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, th. th. tho, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th, th, th, th, th. th. th. tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho thoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo thooooo tho tho tho of sync yeah so people will reference something that you did a year ago and you go oh yeah yeah oh they'll say like my daughter will part they'll go oh I actually potty train now is she has like yes that was back a year ago she's threw to shit in on the floor right um should we do one more one more and then we'll get Christmas Cresland on okay hi guys I've listened to all to to the to to the to to to to to the to to to to to to to the to to to the to to the to to the the to to the to the to the to to the to to to their to to to to their their to to to to to to to to their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one their their their their their their their their th the the tho. tho. tho. to try. true. true. to true. to tho. tho. the. the. the. the. the. th, hi guys, I've listened to all your podcasts. Now they've saved my sanity through lockdown. I'm a granny of two, mom to three, and I thought you might like a hint. To extend the pom-pom jar, I let my angels pick something they really want within reason. My oldest boy love brio for instance, so a larger brio thing, eg, an engine shed. Get either a picture or write words out and cut

them into six or eight depending on the price and then every five to ten pompoms they would get a piece of the picture when they earn all the money I would buy it for them. Sounds complicated but really focused their behave. Yes so they can visually sit that's good. Oh my god we are pimping up the pop pop pop jar pimping. Yeah that's it it it it's it's it's. That's. That's. That's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's, it's, it's, it's, that's, that's, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. thi. thi. thi.pom jar pimping. Yeah that's beautiful. It's like a jigsaw. It's like you're doing a jigsaw. Basically Kathy is saying pimp your pom-pom jar. Yeah, you basically created a sticker album there. That's what you've done. Yeah, so basically you got to say your kid wanted like a trampoline is quite a big thing but maybe it was a new a new plamobile set you take a photo of the playmobile set, cut it up into sections and for every whatever you work at a system they get a piece of that

picture and can put it on the wall behind the pom-pom jar or on the pom-p-jar. I love it. Great tip today guys. Great tip today guys. Right, Chris McCausland. Absolutely brilliant. I'm ideal for this. Yeah, perfect. Really funny bloke, really enjoyed the interview. Top Felder as well, Chris McCausen, he's on tour, go and see it. He's brilliant at stand up. Enjoy Mr. Chris at McCausland. Hello, Chris McCausland and welcome to the podcast.

How you doing it, Chris. Thank you for asking us. I mean, you know, what, what, the, the episode, the episode, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, plodding along. Plodding along. Thank you for doing it, Chris. Nice one for asking us. I mean, me, you know, what episodes was this going to be made? It's taking you a while, don't ask. Oh, no, don't give you that shit, Chris. I've texted you loads of times you keep fobbing me off.

Don't let me read the messages. whose kid was two weeks old. Who was a McCaffrey? McCaffrey. You're seven, mate, seven. No, look, don't you dare, don't you dare do this. Here we go. Look, no, I'm going back, this was ages ago. 26 for February. You asked me if I had a microphone. Thanks so much for coming on then, eventually. Can you explain to the listeners your set up children-Wiress. This is where we find the listeners, the listeners, the listeners, the listeners, the listeners, the list the the the the the the then, thi-tode, thi-tode, thi-today thi-today, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, don't thi, don't thi, don't thi, don't thi, don't thi, don't thi, don't thi, don't thi, don't thi, don't thi, don't thi, don't thi, don't that, don't that, don't that, don't that, don't that, don't that- that-----------------------------------s that-s that-s that-s'''er, don't that-s'er, don't that-s'er, don't that-s'er, don't thatea'er, don't that-s'er, don't have any kids. I've got one daughter, she's seven, she's at school right now, thank God. And that's it, mate. I, do you know, like, sometimes like, you quite often hear of it when people have a second kid, and the second child isn't as easy as a baby as the first one.

Welcome to my world, welcome to my world, mate. Welcome to my world, living it now. Yeah, well, they say. Literally living that experience as we speak. Yeah, I do know what that's like, actually, mate. Thanks, Chris. I'm sure you've said this, Josh, you've said. Just so you know, Chris, this was my fucking break from that, and now you've.

I'm sure you've said if it had been the first one I don't think we would have done it again I'm sure that's come out your mouth well for us it was the first one really oh why was it so tough them in the first one what was it not sleeping just just honestly it was like living in Guantanamo Bay for a year, mate. It was horrific. I mean, she's a, she's a joy now. I mean, she's getting to the age when, you know, in not too long, she might be able to browse podcast libraries and find this. So she's a joy, mate. She's a joy, make.

But now, as a baby, she literally didn't sleep until, I think it was two or three days before her first birthday. And when I say, didn't sleep, I meant it was just horrific every night for a year. What did you do? Asking for a friend. I found myself taking gigs that just weren't financially viable. Just the gal out. I found myself basing my stand-up diary on what had a hotel.

Was your wife working full-time or was she off on a year's maternity leave? How was you splitting up the duties? She had like 10 months off. And then as we got up to the, um, so my daughter was born the very beginning of September, she was on that cusp of, do you know where you kind of, um, you kind of, um, you kind of, um, you kind of, um, um, um, um, you, you, um, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, um, um, you, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, you, you, th, th, th, uh, uh, uh, th, uh, uh, to, uh, to, th, uh, th, uh, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, to, thi, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, thin, thin, thin, th, thin, th, to the, um, so my daughter was born the very beginning of September. She was on that cusp of, you know, you kind of, um, she was due at the end of August. And if they're born at that time, like, the long-term kind of prospects are that they struggle in school a little bit more. You're right, you're a write-off. Right those kids off. Absolutely, mate. So we were like, well, I hope she, I hope she kind of stays in that,

like, hangs on until September, just to give her a fighting chance in life. And then, and so she held on to the third of September, and then obviously when you get four years into the whole thing, you find yourself thinking, I've got a whole nother year of childcare to pay for. Why couldn't you just come out when you're meant to? So she was born at the beginning of the September and my wife went back to work. I don't know when, mate, maybe beginning of August, so maybe she had 11, 10 half, 11 months off. So we found ourselves doing this, my wife found this sleep trainer.

Now I'm like, I guess I'm like you a little bit, Rob, you know. Where are you from? You're from Essex, aren't you? South Eastland is basically the same. Ah, there you go. I'm from Liverpool mates. I reckon we're kind of the same level of riffraff, right? Excuse me. How dare you not? I'm salt of the, mate. He just spat out his oatmeal tea. Devin and then East London. Josh, I don't think I could, I don't think I could put anyone

that probably had proper fresh clotted cream on a donut before they were ten in the same bracket as my own. A donut? He's so scostoult. He's so scost, he can even bring himself to say scone. Scone mate, scone. Scone, fucking scom. So we, she found the sleep trainer, what a load of bollocks, mate, right? I was so set up for the, what a load of shies. I'm not paying money. I thought this woman was going to have to come and stay in the house and a kid out to, it's like having a horse whisperer or something, isn't it? I was furious, right? And then my wife goes, no, she doesn't do it. She doesn't come around,

she does it over Skype. So I was like, okay, so I don't have to have her in the house. And that was make it cheaper, wasn't it, right? So it was like 400 quid for't know how to lie down, how to put themselves to sleep. So when they wake up, they call for you to do it for them. I was like, well, it makes sense, but I can't see how your teacher babies do that. It's a baby. It's basically just like an ornament that needs feeding, isn't it?

And I mean, I mean, they're not, you know what? I mean, you don't interact with them much beyond just keeping them alive. Anyway, so we went through this whole thing with this, with this woman, teaching this, trying to teach this baby out to put itself to sleep. And it fucking works, mate. Did it? I was both, I was both so, like, happy and also furious that I had to acknowledge that this load of woo might have had. What was your plan? You were just going to see it out.

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Six years of cuts mean our students aren't getting the supports they need. They can't wait another year. If the Ford government won't change, it's time to change the government. Our kids are counting on us. Join us at Building Better Schools. A message from the Elementary Teachers Federation of Ontario. You prefer 400 quid to sleeping at night. That is an astonishing decision. No, no, no, I just didn't think it was work, mate.

I mean, if you just said to me, 400 quid and your baby will sleep, either gone, I'll pay you a thousand. But to say, oh, there's going to be some woman on Skype who's going to teach you a baby out of sleep and all she wants is 400 quid. Piss off, I'm not giving a crazy old woman, 400 quid to talk to the baby of a Skype. And how quickly did it sort it? Oh, man, it took like a few weeks of just, you start off doing these little things, and then, and slowly you have have have have have have have have have have have have have have to work to work to work to work to work to work to work to work to work to work to work the to work their their their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, they....... they. they. they. their, their, their, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, too, too, too, to, to, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, thes and then and slowly you have to work your way further away from the cot. Yeah it got to the point where like you're kind of sat in the doorway to the bedroom. Oh I know people have done that thing where the chairs further and further and it works

doesn't it? Oh mate it does work I mean there was one I remember one night I was lying half in the bedroom half out so my head was just inside shouting there there there there there there there there there there there there there there there there there there there there there there the the the the their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their th was th was their th was th was th was th was just th was just th was just th was just th was just th was just th was just their th was just their their their their their their their their their their th was just th was th was th was th was th was th was th was th was th was th was th was the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th go to sleep. And it worked and I was kind of like, because, you know, the game plan when you get to that length in doesn't really become about how, how are we legitimately going to get this baby to start sleeping. The priority is we need to not kill each other. That's, you know what I mean? Because you're losing your patience and you're tempered with each other all the time because you're just sleep deprived. And because I work away as well, as you know, you guys know, you're going away to work, but like every time you leave or every time you come back, you know, she acts like you've just been on holiday. Yeah,

Yeah, straight away you get handed the baby. Well, you've been away for three nights sleep. It's your turn off. I've been working. I mean, I know. That's a problem, isn't it? We all know that our work is 20 minutes a night. Do you know what I mean? Or an hour at night?

It's very difficult to say you've been working. We can't help what it is mate. We can't help that this is the only kind of skill that we've developed over an entire life time. I do remember saying to Lou once, would you prefer it if I hated my job? Is it not in to you that I enjoy it? I often think if I was an accountant it'd be much easier for me to go upstairs now. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Because I'd be able to properly sell it. Like, oh, so I'm really oh, I'm so annoyed that I've got to go up and do these bloody spreadsheets. Yeah. But instead I'm like, yeah, I'm just going upstairs and I'm going to loosely talk about parenting for 45 minutes to a couple of comedians.

Well, you are learning though, because you need your baby to sleep. So what were there any major tips you can't to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be a to be to be to be to be a to be a to be a to be a to be a to be a to be a to be a to be a to be a tol. to be a their their tol. tol. to bea. to be so what were there any major tips you can share with the audience Chris from from the sleep trainer when they get to the point where they can sit up yeah in they get to a point where they can sit up but they're unable to lie themselves back down right I remember this I mean we're going back seven years I can't remember what to a. Tortus when it's on its back yeah so you have to to to to to to to to to to to to their to their their to to their their their to to the the to the the to to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the to go. to go. I was. I was. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. She. She. She. She. She. She. She. She. She. She's. She's. She's. She's. She's. She's. She's. She's. She's. She's. She's. She's. She's. She's. She's. She's. She. She. She. She. She's. She's. She. She's. She's. She's. She's. She's. She's. She's. She's. She's. She's. She's. She's. She's. She's. She. She. She. She. She. She. She. She. She. She. She. She. She. She. She. She. She. She. She. She. She. She. She. She. She. She. She's. She's. She's. She's. She's. She's. She's. She's. She's. She's. She's. She's. She's. She's. She's. She's. She's. She's. She's. She's. She's. She's. She's. She's. She's. She's. this I'm going straight to give her four hundred quid. There's no way I'm going downstairs to my wife and go don't worry got this sorted. Have you thought about patting the mattress? You know what though there was no I remember one more one like like but three in the morning and then she woke herself up and I had her wake up and start crying and I just kind of gave it a couple of minutes and I had this kind of flop I should flung yourself it was the

most joyous noise I've ever heard was just a flop of a baby kind of you know just putting themselves back to sleep I don't think there's any more joyous noise I've ever heard except for the sound of your own child's fallen out of bed. You can't beat that. That's a, that's a, that's a, I think that's the funniest noise that's ever you know. It's brilliant in it. It's like, it's like every different part of their body hits the floor or a slightly different time. It's like it's like they they they they's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, thi, their, their, their, their, their, thi, thi, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I. I's, I. I's, I. I. I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, th. It's, th. It's, th. It's, th. It's, th. It's, th. It's, th. th. th. th. th. that's, that's, that's, th. th. that's, lid. Don't even wake up because it's a low bed and like we've got

carpet and there's always normally teddies or stuff on the floor. I'll sort of stop tidy it up now I think I'll outbreak their full. Yeah yeah yeah yeah but now it worked mate but it was her for the first year so we were traumatized. Oh blimely. And but she's she's she is she like a well-behaved kid now or she's still difficult? Was it just asleep in at the beginning? She's defiant, mate. She's, she's, um, it's weird because all, I mean, how old are your kids? Five and three? Right, and Josh? Uh, three and zero.

Right. So, Josh, I don't know if you're there at the minute, but like, you kind of to get, you, you, you, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, the, the, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, th, th, th, th, th, th... th. th. th. that, that, like, like, like, that, like, like, tha, like, like, thi. tho. tha, tha, tha, tha, th. th at the minute, but like, you kind of get to the, you get to this point when they're about three, where they start exhibiting all of the kind of behaviors that you would normally have associated what you thought a teenager was. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And you're like, how are you acting like thi. And you kind of grow out of the tantrums, you know, where they get themselves too tired and you know, you have to try and placate them and they grow out of that, but the kind of the defiance kind of stays, they just become more articulate with it and more able to, more able to kind of verbalize their opposition. What are you like as a dad? Are you are the good guy, you the bad the bad the bad the bad the bad the bad the bad the bad the bad the bad the bad the bad the bad the bad the bad the bad the bad the bad the bad the bad the bad the bad the bad the bad the bad the bad the bad the bad the bad the bad to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the the the the the the the the the the tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. thea. thea. thea.a.a. their try.a.a.a.a.a. their try.a.a. the Are you the good guy, you the bad guy?

Are you stern? I'm quite laid back, mate. I try and be the good guy. And I do you know what, I think I've just added kind of... I think partly I'm quite laid back anyway, but also my wife's a psychologist and I think I just went through this really long period of just... I got sicker the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the good the good the good the good theateateateateateateateate- the good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good the good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good the good the good the good the good the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. I was the. I'm the. I'm the. I'm the. I'm the. I'm the. I'm theateateatea. I'm thea. I'm thea. I'm thea' thea' theateateatea' theate. I'm the. I'm the. I'mthink I just went through this really long period of just I got sick of being told after I was telling the kid off wrong you know right yeah yeah yeah the fever's don't bother at all oh yeah you know

when you when you when you're you kind of you know well if you don't eat you can't watch the tel you should go well actually according to the evidence that that threat doesn't really work with children because there there a the the the act the act the act the act the act the act the act of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of the act of the act of the act of the act of the act of the act of the act of the act of the act of the act of the act of the act of of the act of th. th. th. th. th. I I th. th. I th. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I'm. I. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. th. th. th. th. th. th. children because there's no direct cause and effect between the act of eating and the act that I was like, can I just not tell her she can't watch the telly? I mean, can I just not? I mean, can I mean, they're just not, they're just not. I mean, can I just obviously, she's read this shit, she's read papers and books, she's got big, fat books that, you know, that like, you know, it'd be like if every time my wife made a joke, I said, well, actually, I

think you'll find that your punchline is quite ambiguous and it wasn't really related to the set up, which I'm sure, I, to you, to, to, to, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, to, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, th quite a long period of, I just got a little bit sick of maybe, I just had to drill out of me, you know, I wasn't being academically accurate in my parents. So I've just become quite lethargic over it, I think, mate. If you just let her take the lead? Yeah, and I think I'm the good cop now. So when your daughter was like a baby, how hands on could you be? Because for the listeners that don't know, you're blind. So how much could you do or not do with the baby? There's always been loads I haven't been able to do.

You know, it's, I mean, as you know, the baby, you know, the baby, you know, and it can get anywhere, can't you tha, I I I I I I I I I I I I I tha, I tha, I then, I then, I that, I that, I that, I the that, I that, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, that, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th, th....... It's, th. th. th. that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, th can't I? You know, I mean, I'd change the napig in. I'd change the napig and it was, it was like, up a fucking neck, you know. I mean, so like, you can do, you can do a lot of things, but most of its kind of guess work. Yeah, sometimes you can make more of a mess than there was in the first place, you know, you can end up just spreading it around more.

Oh God, didn't she used to hide from you as well? Was that a game she used to play? I used to mention it on stage? Do you know, there was a thing, when she got to that point where she was mobile, mobile but not vocal where they kind of shuffle around on their ass and crawl around. She'd you know I'd be like washing the dishes or something and she'd like she'd be somewhere and she had she seemed to go to a period where she had this one noise and it was the noise of a baby choking to death on something so she like oh god she'd be in the room and she just go like

and I'd like quickly drop what I was doing, leg it over to where the noise had come from. By the time I got there, she fucked off somewhere. And I was on the hands and knees looking for this possibly choking baby who was now sat over the other side of the room just watching me on me bloody hands and knees scraping down the floor and what the hell is he doing? So yeah it was it was very hitting this you know it was it was I mean I remember when she was when she was she must have been about that same age and I broke me foot and I had been put in a cast and oh I felt so sorry for it. It never rains but it pours for you does it Chris?

Hey? You did a bit of rubber the green didn't you? I needed a little bit of extra benefit money you know so I am. Absolutely weighed in. But no, I mean she, she, because you know, she's already a baby crawling around on the floor with a bloke who can't see where he's going, but all of a sudden he has this big bloody pendulum on the bottom of one leg now that he's swinging around the living room. So it's always been very hitting this mate.

It's always been making the best and blundering me way through shit, but um, we're all still here. That's what parenting it is isn't it try and your best? Yeah carnage. Absolutely. And how was lockdown did you do the homeschooling and stuff like that? Yeah mate. Well that's the end of that one then. Any other questions Rob? Was it carnage? It was yeah, yeah it was because... Because you were probably doing the most of it while your wife was still working. I was mate and it's so it's so frustrating. I mean I don't want to go on about being blinds but it is you know

it's a pain in the ass you know I try and make out that like you know I'm doing quite well for me like for a blind fella but you know it's a fucking asshole mate. You can only be so put so much of a positive spin on it, can't you? But there's like so there's there's you know kids get frustrated my daughter is um you know she's good with it she's no nothing else so she's good with it but she still gets frustrated so like for example to put it into like a context when she was younger right she'd um she'd watched the tele rig so she'd what she'd started for the iPad she was really good in the iPad kids can swipe to the. So she could open Netflix and she could pick like Pepper Pig.

And you know, I'm a bit of a geek as well. I'm like, oh, she's a genius, she's a genius, brilliant. I've got the Apple TV, right? Which is like the little box plugs into the telly, gives you the same interface, right? So like, one day, she's an idiot, fucking idiot, right? So she's getting, you've got to use the remote so she wants me to do, she, she, I always had to do it for her so she's like, I want the bear because she can see the icons on Netflix. I want the bear.

So I don't know what the bear is right. So I've got the remote and I'm moving around and it reads. like a bloody, you know, semi-all right, robot-y kind of Alexa voice kind of thing. Oh, God, it's gonna pipe up now, I've said this name. And so I'm moving around trying to find something that sounds like a bear, but she's losing a temper with me, right? Because I'm not going where she wants me to go. Pointing at it, going to go, I, she's learned that like if something's on the floor she can put me hand on it or she can show me a dress or something like that with the frails look daddy she's kind of learned that so she gets me and she puts it where the bear is on the telly which doesn't help right it doesn't help right

it really doesn't help because I don't know what I don't know what the cursor is she doesn't understand the concept of left the the the the the the the the the th of th of th of th of th of th of th of th right right right right right right right right th th th th th th left, right, up and down. So I'm just like moving around this screen. Oh, she must have been about three or four, right? Three or something like that. So she's losing a temper with me because I'm going around trying to find a bear. And after a while she goes, that one, that one, that one, and I press on it, and she I'll tell you, it had nothing nothing, it had nothing, it had nothing, it had nothing, it had nothing, it had nothing, it had nothing, it had nothing, it, it, So either, she thought something else was a bear on the icon or she just gave up and thought, just that one I'll do, that one.

I'll pretend he got it right just for his own. So it's always been a thing where like the frustration, like she can get frustrated with me, right? Because I can't see what she wants me to see, even though she's known no different. So you jump forward to home schooling and the schoolers sending back these, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you know, you, you know, you know, you know, you, you, you, you, you, you, th, th, th, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, th, I'll, th, th, th, I'll, th, th, th, th, th, th, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thin, th, thin, thin, th, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thin, thi, thin, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, th see, even though she's known no different. So you jump forward to homeschooling and the school is sending back these, you know, things that she's got to do, which are all on handouts. And I don't know what's on the handouts. And I'm trying to picture in me, what's it on the handouts. And I'm trying to picture me what I'm trying to describe to me what you done it there? Just going, no, you're not meant to do it there. You're meant to do it under the, I said, what do you mean under this? Describe to me what you've done on the paper.

And she's going, Daddy, I've done it right. Just take my word for it. And I'm like, but I can't take your word for it. Because if you've done it's done it's done it's done it's to do it's to do it's to do it's to the point of like I think she got to the point of killing me I think it was the way around it was it was you know it was hard work I mean I mean we decided that like she'd do the the English in the reading because like my daughter could he just made up any old shot with me couldn't she? And and she'd do the art as well, because I draw with my daughter, but you know, I mean, a drawing's better than mine, I can't stay in the lines.

So she does, my wife would do the art with it, the English. I do the maths. I was doing the maths and the kind of, you know, go out and do pogo and stuff like the thirty, to go out, to go out, thua, thua, thua, thian, thian, th and stuff, th and stuff, th and stuff, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thinks, throw, throw, throw, thin, throw, throw, throw, throw, throw, throw, throw, throw, but, but, but, but, but, but, throw, but, but, but, I, throw, throw, throw, throw, throw, throw, th and do, th and do, th and do, th and do, th and do, th and do, th and do, th and do, th drawings, th drawings, th drawings, throw, that, that, throw, throw, throw, throw, throw, throw, thin, they, drawing, drawing, drawing, drawing, drawing, drawing, drawing, their, drawing, their, drawing, the, but the maths, even like when you're trying to do things on the paper with little drawings and you know, it's, I did kids these days, I learn the things so much, I don't remember being that age of thin, right, because even now she's back in school, she's got homework, fractions, fractions, I don't remember doing fractions at the age of seven. I don't know whether the things have changed since I was a kid, but it seems to be that they're learning other things than I did in Liverpool in the 80s.

Oh, there was a lot of hard learning in Liverpool in the 80s though, Chris, that was mainly from Maggie Thatcher. Well, what's it like having a southerner though? As a kid, I always find this interesting because you're very proud scouts, a Liverpool fan. Oh, mate, always, little posh English kid. Always correcting me, mate. Always correcting me English. You know, it's time for you to get your bath. It's not a bath, I think it's a bath. Oh, I thought you said, I thought you said bats then, I'd thah thah thah thah thah thah to get your bath. It's not a bath, Daddy, it's a bath. Oh, I thought you said, I mean, I thought you said, bats then. I was like, so I'd have had problems with that one. Yeah, do you want a glass of water? It's a glass, Daddy. It's a glass. Oh, what was the thing she said to me? Oh, she goes, um, oh, she goes, uh, she goes, uh, she goes, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, she was, she was, she was, she was, she was, she was, she was, she was, she was, she was, she was, she was, she was, she was, she was, she was, she was, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, I, uh, she was, I, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, she was, she was, she was, she was, she was, she was, she was, she was, she was, she was, she was, she was, she was, th, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, do, to, to, to, to, what I, look what I bide in the shop daddy. And I said, I go, I said it's not

it's not bad, sweetheart, it's bought. And she goes, it might be bought in Liverpool but it's bide in London daddy. I really appreciate your confidence in that, sweetheart. But it's honestly not, it's it's honestly not. It's honestly not. Have you taken her back to Liverpool? Yes, mate. Yeah, it's lovely city now, Liverpool, isn't it? Yeah, Liverpool, Sam, it's vastly different to what I remember. So much development work work and all up there and it sounds, yeah,

so we go back, we didn't go back obviously through the whole lockdown. We went back, at beginning of June for the first time since February before. So we hadn't been up there for a while, but you know, whenever we go back up with me, I'll tell you this actually, whenever we go back up with my wife, we're going in the car and my wife obviously has to to to to do to do to do to do to do to do to do to do to do to do to do to do to do the the the to do theell you this actually, whenever we go back up with my wife, we go in the car. And my wife obviously has to do everything. I do the packing, the packing the car, right? That's my domain, right? You don't drive?

Well, this is the thing right. Obviously, my wife drives. Yeah, it's actually very modern now, taking a really sort of chilled approach. I walk in front of the car with a flag. And, no, so, me, me, she, she drives, but whenever we stop along the way, my wife has to do everything. So like, if we, if we go to the petrol station, you know, to get food or we got to stop the toilet, she's in charge of everything, right? Because I can't, so. It it it it it it it it it's it's it's it's a it's a a the the the the the th. It's a lot, it's a lot, it's a lot, it's a lot, it's a lot, it's a lot, it's a lot, it's a lot, it's a lot, it's a lot, it's a lot, it's a lot, it's a lot, to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to, to. to. to. to, to. to. to. to. the the the the the the the the try. the the the the the the the the try. the the toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. to got to stuff with the toilet. She's in charge of everything right? Because I can't. So it's a lot on my wife. So I try and control what I can control. So the packing the car, that's my domain, I am. If anyone comes near when I'm packing

that, you know, because I used to be able to see, right? And when I was a kid, brilliant the tetrills th. th. th. And th. And th. And when I th. And when I th. And when I th. And when I was th. And th. And th. And thi, I was thi, I was they, I was they, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I. And, I. And, I. And, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, the, the, the, to. So, to. And, to. So, to. So, try, to, to. So, to. So, to. So, the, the, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm skills really come into their home when you pack in a car. I'm very good at it, right? So that's the bit I do and that's when my responsibility kind of, but my daughter doesn't see me doing that, right? But I feel like I've done me bit. So we went to Liverpool. She must have been about four. So we went to Liverpool. She must have been about four. And we drove up and it was the to. And it, and th. And it, and to, and to, and to, and to, and to, and th. And, and to, and th. And, and th. And, and th. And, and th. And, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, th. And, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, four. And we had to stop a couple of times along the way, get food that we didn't have because it was longer than we thought toilet breaks. We, we, my daughter lost the plot as we got up to Liverpool, like literally meltdown, which is fair enough, it was eight hours.

And we arrived in Liverpool, and she was missing a shoe-up, No idea what happens with the shoe. We don't know if that went out the window or whether it was dropped on a verge or. Because there was a point when my wife had to pull over on a verge, get her out and you know, let her do a wee on the verge. And so it's all down to my wife. So we got to live to live and when we got to live. And when we'd all calm down really really well so well done you and I said and she goes and well done mommy for driving I said yeah well done mommy for driving because she you know she did all the driving and she did she did everything so well done mommy for driving and she goes to me

and well done daddy for sitting down oh oh god it's like a four year old to make you feel like a piece of shit oh oh oh oh oh! You said oh! Oh God, it's like a four-year-old to make you feel like a piece of shit. You said it, I did the packing, you didn't see that, did you? You said that you used to be able to see, so in your head do you have an image of what your daughter looks like? And like, how does that work? Sorry, is that a weird question? No, it's weird, mate. It's, it's, it's weird, so like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi, thi, thi, that, that, that, to, that, thi, that, the, thi, the, the, the, thi,? No, it's weird mate. It's weird. So like yeah I do but it's not like a photo, you know, it's more like an idea, you know? It's hard to, it's like even people have seen. I can't really, I don't know whether I remember what they look like or what I think

I remember they look like. It's quite complicated to explain. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah.. It's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's weird, it's weird, it's weird, it's weird, it's weird, it's weird, it's weird, it's weird, it's weird, it's weird, it's weird, it's weird, it's weird, it's weird, it's weird, it's weird. It's weird, it's weird, it's weird. It's weird, it's weird. It's weird, it's weird, it's weird, it's weird, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, the memories, their memories, their their their their memories, their their their their th. th. th. their their their their their th. their their their their their the I think I remember they look like. It's quite complicated to explain. You know what I mean? Like, yeah, your memories kind of fade over time as well and it'd be, you know, I don't know whether I remember me dad looking like my dad or whether I'm just kind of remembering what I think he looked like, you know, red face, a face, the moustache with a mustache, you know, he doesn't have a their face face face face face face face face their face their their their their their, but in my head. That's a stereotypical actually, Chris. I think that's a bit unfair. You can't just stereotype scousers like that these days, right?

I'm not stereotyping scous, but my dad definitely does have a red face. All photographs. Everything, there's something about the flash of an old camera that brings out the redness in my dad's face. So yeah it's it's it's hard to you know it's hard to say but you kind of have an idea in your head you don't yeah I remember when we did I first met you in the comedy circuit Chris and I had an opening joke or I listed all the people I look like I loved it mate. Yeah I loved it mate you used to say your favorite joke is because you imagine trying to just work out what it was I look like I imagine I imagine I imagine I imagine I the the the the th the th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th. th. th. I th. I th. It th. It th. It's thi thi thi thi thi thi to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. the th. It's thi thi thi thi thi the the the the the the the the the the the the the ti. ti. It's ti. It's their the thi. It's your favorite joke is because you imagine trying to just work out what it was I look like. I imagine it being almost like that episode of Red Dwarf with the fellow that's with all the different people combined and the face flickers between them all.

Legion I think it was. The only one I remember is Willow. I've got a very large Ralph Chris. Willow from Buffy the Vampire Slayer wasn't. No. Yeah. Yeah. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Willow from Buffy the Vampire Slayer wasn't it? No, Willow from Willow. Yeah from Willow? Oh, I was the wrong Willow. I was the wrong Willow. All this time, you've got the willow. All this time, you've got the joke.

Oh, Willow the girl. Oh, Willow the wrong willow. There's only two willows in the world. Oh three, the tree. The wisp. Oh yeah, willow the girl! Oh dear. And when your daughter grows up, what do you want her to be a comedian, psychologist? What would you prefer? Are we not bothered? Um, certainly not a comedian mate. It's soul destroying, isn't it? I think, but if you're a comedian, you're broken, and then over time as a comedian, you either learn how to heal or it all gets worse. I think that's... Yeah. I've met a lot of comedians that, well, you go, it got worse for you. And a lot of them, Rob, a lot of them are very successful people. Oh, yeah. that, th th th th th th thi thi thi th. th. thi th. thi, th. th. th. thi, th. thi, th. thi, thi, thi, th. thi, that, that, that, tho, that, that, that, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. that, that, that, that, that, thoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. tha. th. you know personally the life's an absolute mess but on stage they're ripping it. Yeah yeah I mean my wife says like me

wife's from Brazil and she's all you know she's she's kind of Latin blood is very emotional in touch with her you know emotions and you know very open with all that kind of stuff and I'm just I'm just closed off I'm like a I'm like some kind of Chernobyl site that's being concreted over, you know. And I partly put it down to a life of, you know, I try and play on the, you know, the hardship of my life kind of thing.

A lifetime of losing my eyesight. I've learned to just put things, brush things into the carpet and, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you know, you've learned to just brush things under the carpet and, you know, take a deep breath and carry on in the face of frustration. But also, off of it, I think, is just being a comedian. And it's just dying on your ass horrifically in front of rooms. And then, you know what I mean? Seven Edinburgh festivals have just, you know, staring, you know, being in a porter cabin in front of five people on a Tuesday night dying on your ass and you just learn to put a lid on it, don't you? 100%. Well the things I'd say about you Chris, I've seen your sort of stand-up shows and stuff,

and obviously you do, you talk about being blinding it in parts, but you're, I'd say you're a comedian before that comedian that can't see, do you know what I mean? 100% where there's a lot of people that would, that could just be their one joke or their one angle, whatever, but you're a comedian and that's part of the same way as I'm a comedian that's from South East London that forms part of what I'll talk about or itle it's a great title yeah the tour title is speaky blinder right now obviously it's peeky blinders with the S off the end and stuck it on the beginning now I'll be honest I fucking out the title I can't stand it I can't stand it right and the reason being is first of all I the the the the the the th I th I th th th. th. I the th. I th. I the th. I th. I the th. I the the th. I th. I the the th. I th. I th. I th. I to to to to the the the to to to to ti. I to ti. I the tell. I tell. I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't. I t. I t. I t. I t. I t. I t. I t. I t. I t. I t. I t. I t. I t. I tot. I tote. I can't tot. I tot. I can't tot. I can't tot. I can't tot. I can't tot. I can't tot. I can't tot. I can't it right and the reason being is first of all I didn't want a pun. I didn't want something off a film or a TV thing and um and Justin Morehouse, just Justin More House, he's from Manchester, he's just he's great and he he found me up one day and he goes hey, hey, I've got a title for you for your new show I said what is

it he goes you're not gonna like it and he told me and I said okay you saw me and I made the mistake of telling me agent and then and the tour producer and they loved it and I think it's good and they said well if you can come up with something better then you can change it and I came up with loads and I came up with loads mate and I the the they and I and I and I and I and I and I they and I they and I they and I I they and I they and I they and I they and I they and I they and I they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they tel tel to tel tel they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they good. And they said, well, if you can come up with something better, then you can change it. And I came up with loads, mate. And I, and I, and. What one's got rejected? Oh, I can't, I wanted to call it donuts.

Donuts. Are you going out to say? I had some, I had some, I had some, uh, I had some item I had some I had some stand-up I that would be the subtle blind reference right mate. The post would be you eating loads of scons and then they'd say donuts below it. I mean that would be extremely clever I'm not sure how many people would get it but um yeah I had a do know what I thought donuts because it's just a fun word I had a huge bit of material about donuts, right? And as it turns out, that material never made because it was a good job.

Yeah. But, but yeah, no, we ended up sticking with the title. But as you say, like when I started off doing stand-up, I'm a stand-up fan. And as you say, people, you know, there's nothing more boring than listening to a fat fellow doing fat jokes for 20 minutes or whatever it is. Do you know what I mean? The one thing, it becomes boring, becomes predictable. And so I never wanted to do that. And when I first started off, I'd make a joke at the beginning because I'd make a joke at the beginning because I wanted to make

people forget and challenge people's preconceptions by not talking about it at all. But also I didn't really have anything original to say apart from the obvious, didn't see it kind of joke. But as I've got older and maybe a little bit more comfortable in myself, and I think, especially with you know, becoming a dad, I've ended up with a few more original things to talk about. Because everyone can relate to being a parent. I always swore I wouldn't be the parent comedian on stage doing parents. Me too, me too. Literally. What's become of the three of us? It's pathetic. I used to have a line I'd say when my daughter was about too. Me, me too. Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to be, their, to be, to be, becoming, to be, to be, to be, to be, to be, to, to, to, to, become of the three of us? It's pathetic. I used to have a line I'd say, I used to have a line I'd say when my daughter's about two. And I'll be talking about being a dad

and I'd say, I'd say, I always swore I wouldn't be that comedian on stage just talking about being a dad, but I've realized that I either tell you about this now, or we talk about stuff that I'm three years ago when I was happy. So, but as I, you know, as I talk about this stuff, I do have more original things to say, but things that everyone can relate to, but, but that have maybe just got a little bit of a twist on them. Do you know what I mean? I'd say you're, you know, it's an anago to an observational comedian that happens to be blind that obviously comes up in it because in all your stories you're still blind,

you can't change that. But you're brilliant, mate. I think you're great. You know what I used to love is Eddie Izad, right? And the first time I saw Eddie I was in Woolworth and he had a definite article and he was all I could I could see still a bit by then and he was dressed all like flamboyant on the front and it was like the number one selling video and I'd never heard them and I bought it and I put it on and he you know he came out dressed all up and I thought I had an image an idea of what I thought it was going to be and it wasn't and he talked about being a transvestite for five or ten minutes and it and the and the the the they. to to their. their. their. their. their. their. And it their. I. I. It was. It was. It was the to the to the th. It was to to to th. It was th. It was. It was. I was thi. I was. It was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I th. I th. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was.. I. I.. I. I. I... I. I. I. I. I. It was. It. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was a. It was. It was a. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. I was. It was. It was. I. It. talked about being a transvestite for five or ten minutes. And it left you once in a more and it left you interested. And it kind of defied what I

what I thought it was going to be. And I think that's kind of like what I try and do. I think that sums up perfectly exactly that. And then you're wear a dress now mate. Yeah. But yeah, you're all over the place. You can get tickets on Chris McCausman.com starting from Milton Keynes next April. It goes through, got all up to Edinburgh, Crew Warrington, in Guilford, London, Leicester Square Fiat, South End, everywhere, twicking them all over the place. So definitely go and see Chris out.

He's a brilliant stand-up. Will you, like, how does that work with your family and stuff, thua, thia, the, thi, thi, the, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, the, the, the, the, and, the, and, they. And, thi. And, thi.a, thi.a, to, to, they.a, too.a, too.a, too.s.s.s. to, to, to, to, to family and stuff when you're on tour? Do you stay away a lot? Like is it affected your the way you approach going away to work? No, do you know I mean as I'm sure you know the circuits changed a lot you know over the last 10 years and so whereas part of being on the circuit would have been you know you're away three weekends a month Thursday through Sunday or whatever there's a lot more of pie in the their the circuit the circuit the circuit the circuit the circuit their their their their their their their their their their their their their. their. their. their. their. their. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. their their their their. their. their. their. their their their their their the way. the way. the way. the way. the way. the way. the way. the way. the way. the way. the way. the way. You you the way. You. You's. their. their their their their their their their thi. Is. It's thi. It's thi. So. So. So. So, th. So, th. I's thi's thi's their their their their their their their their their the Sunday or whatever. There's a lot more piecing together weekends these days of a night here or a night there. Do you know what I mean? So there's just naturally on the circuit these days a lot more going and doing the gig and coming on than they used to be. But when I'm on tour, you know, if it's within three hours, I'll get home. I have some of the drives who I pay to do the drive the drive the drive the drive the drive the drive, if it, if it, if it, if it, if it, if it, if it, if it, if it, if it, if it, if it, if it, if it, if it, if it's, if it's, if it's, if it's, if it's in, if it's in, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, their, thi, thi, thi, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, thi. We's, thi. We're, thi. We're, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, I have some of the drives who I pay to do the drive and so if it's in three hours we'll and I'm not working further the other way

the next day you know we tend to go and do it and come back. Oh nice. Start again the next day and then they get woke up at 6 a.m. by your daughter screaming at your face. That's normally absolutely. Absolutely and the least people that the the the the the the the better because I can't stand having people in the room that I know. Oh really? Yeah, I don't be strangers that I've seen me on the tele. If you've seen me come and see me, but if you've seen me, but if you've to come and tell you come and watch, but they're coming to come and watch, because all I can think of is your big stupid face in me heads while I'm... Well that must be difficult because like when in when like I'm doing gigs and if there's

one person I can see that isn't enjoying it and has the ump, I focus on them massively even if everyone else enjoying it but if you can't see anyone in your own head it must be really difficult to fight that sort negativity that everyone has about their own performance. Do you find that tough? The swings in roundabout to me, so I can't see the grumpy fellow in the front staring at me. But also if you're smiling you are literally no use to me. Do you know what I mean? Unless you're verbally laughing out loud, I think you hate me. So I've done gigs where like I've come off off the th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. th. the th. th. their thee their their thee their their thee their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their th. th. th. th. th. th. thee. to the. too. too. too. too too too too too too tooing. thee. thee. theeeean. th God, that was hard. And someone said to me, they were all smiling. Well, that doesn't fucking happen. Have you done that in your show, Chris?

You've got to mention that. At the start, I've done it. I kind of use it as a, whenever I'm previewing. So whenever I'm doing something where I. I say to the audience like some of this won't be funny don't feel you've got a laugh at it but if you do find it funny please laugh out loud because smile is no good to me. I'll try and guilt them into laughing at the bids. Oh yeah. As your daughter come to see you? No. I tell you this right. She's only seen me do one bit of stand-up and so on on Apollo. On Apollo on Apollo on Apollo on Apollo on Apollo. On Apollo. On the the the the the the the the first. the the the the the the the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. I's. I's. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh, t. Oh, t. Oh, t. Oh, t. It's. Oh, t. Oh, t. Oh, t. Oh, t. Oh, t. Oh, t. Oh, t. Oh, t.up. And so on Apollo, the first time I've done Apollo, I told this story on there about my daughter doing the poo in the bath and handing it to me out the bath, right? So, oh God, I can't barely remember how it goes, but she had to, she hands me this

poo and she goes, what's this daddy, ice cream, right? And I had to give it a sniff, to see what it was, right? And so the joke then is I kind of play it through in her head about how, what her game plan was. Did she know, like she's like, she said to one of her toys, hey, watch this, watch this. I bet you're I can get him to sniff it. That's kind of how I played a bit of material. So my wife showed me daughter that bit of material. And it's the only bit of my stand-up she's ever seen, but she thinks that that's all I do. But she thinks that that's all I do, right?

So whenever I go to a gig, she's like, you're going to tell them I want me doing the peer in the bath, that's theymy, to, to, to, to the age where she equates me working with earning money to pay for us to do things and so she must be thinking, you know what, thank God I did that shit in the bat to the vice, you know what if I hadn't done that poo in the bath and we'd be on the bones of our ass at the moment because he literally, he wouldn't have a job, you wouldn't have a job. She's just do another one, right? I think you need to new materials. I'm going to piss on you now. But that's the only best she's seen anyway. Is that? Well, Chris, we always finish with the same question. It's Crosby's law in honor of Matt Crosby when he's sort of renting about his partner and the way they parent. Is there something that your wife does with your child that frustrates you a little bit and you don't think

it's the best bit of parenting but you can't say anything or it will turn into a row and this is your opportunity to get it off your chest in case she listened and I would think that's a fair point Chris. Okay well first of all she won't listen. That means this marriage is going to last a long. to to the the to to the to the to the to to the to the to to the to the to to to to the to to the the to to th. th. thi. the the thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi thi thi the best the best the best thi thi thi thi thi thi thi the best the best the best the best the best the best the best the best the best the best the best the best the best the best the best the best the best the best the best the best the best the best the the the the thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. theeeea. thea. thea. thea. thea. thea. thi. thi. thi. thi. thee going to last a long time in my experience. She's not anywhere near the point in our relationship where she seeks out extra me. You know, I don't think she's ever sat there and going, oh, he's been out of the house all day. I need to find something with him to listen to. You know what, I mean, one of the things I mentioned early, it's the, it's the, it's the over-a, the out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the. You know what I mentioned, I mean, one of the things I mentioned early, it's the over-academicise and if that's even a word, of the whole process, the removal of being able to just try and

parent instinctively on your gut feeling without it having to equate to a study that Higgs and Dyson did in 1978 about the effects of the naughty step on children between the age. You know what I mean? That's all of that, all of that crap. Also on a very simple level, she lets her watch films, she let us start a film too late in the evening, right? And when you work evenings, right, when you're out of an evening and, and you get back, or, or like, when you're, when you work evenings, right, when you're out of an evening and you get back, or like when you're out of an evening, you've got a night off, right? If I've got a night off on a Sunday or a Saturday and I get to like 7 o'clock and I'm like, well you can watch an episode of something and then, you know, get your bat and go to bed.

And my wife's like, well, it what what film do you want to watch and I'm gonna be finished that's a half eight but the time I get her in bed it's gonna be half past I'll be tired at 10 I'm getting tired of 10 these days I've got no evening look and I can just see my only kind of weekend night off in a month just drifting away from me and I start trying to like edge me daughter towards well watch watch Tinker Bell because it's like an hour five you know what I mean yeah and then when my wife starts looking through the Pixar films I'm like there isn't a pixel film that's under an hour 40 you can't be like so yeah I'd say that

because my wife's you know she doesn't work evenings, so the evenings aren't as precious to her. Yeah, fair enough. When I see her just flogging mine down the river. Good Lord of the Rings put on. Oh, hah ha ha ha! You like boats about Titanic? Yeah. Chris, thank you so much. It's an excellent. And we'll definitely make sure all our listeners follow with Instagram and Twitter and come and see your show, Speaky Blind Art, starting in Milton

Keens next April. Cheers mate, you're been brilliant. Cheers, Chris McCausland. You guys have absolutely brilliant. You're great. I love Chris McCausland. I think it's one of the most under under eight comedians in the country, you know? Yeah, I think he's amazing. He's so good. It's so good. It's so naturally so good. It's so good.

He's so good. It's so naturally funny. It's so good. He's just a funny. He's just a funny. He's just funny. The to. I've. I've got. I's. I've got. th. th. their. th. th. their. th. th. their. th. their. th. their. th. their. It's. their. their. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's so. It's so. It's so. It's so. It's so. It's so. It's so good. It's so good. It's so good. He's so good. It's so good. It's so good. It's so good. It's so good. It's so. It's so. It's so. It's so. It's so. It's so. It's so. It's so. It's so. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's so. It's so. It's so. It's so. It's so. It's so. It's so. It's so. It's so. It's so. It's so. It's so. It's so. It's so. It's so. It's so. It's so. It's so. It's so. It's so. It's so because he's quite, he's quite fair and like, you know, a very fair, bit Irishy, isn't he? I think he's got Irish and Irish roots. And he said how hot it was when he got there. And she went, what hot is it? And he went, she was like, oh it's 28 degrees and oh God okay, I think I can manage this. And then he didn't realize he got there was one a time. because he was going to see it was dark. He's so good. He's definitely worth going to watch on it. Yeah, he's brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. Thank you to him. Also really interesting, like just to get different viewpoints on things, people, you know. Viewpoints was a bad choice of words. Yeah, you know, I stumbled through the sentence. He panicked. Josh was talking, after 12 years or whatever he's, I think you'd be able to talk about someone's disability, wouldn't you, after the last thing? I think

so, wouldn't you? I thought it was interesting when Chris were caused and said that, you trys not to make that central to his act. I thought, I can think of a couple of people you could have a word with Chris, give a few. Yeah, yeah, their, their, th. Yeah, th. Yeah, th. Yeah, th. Yeah, th. Yeah, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I th. I th. I th. I th. I thinks, I thinks, I thinks, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, th. think, think, think, think, th. think, think, think, think, th. think, think, th. th. I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I's, I don't know what's good about that as well. If you are, like, you know, people want out of children, have got disabilities, and I know I'm messing about with Alex, but I think it's so inspiring people like Alex and Chris to share their stories of, you know, it isn't perfect, it is difficult and it's sometimes toub. tooom. tooge, and their to''s just it's more tricky you need a good sort of support network towar and stuff but you know it's um he loves his daughter so much to always talking about and stuff at gigs and that and it's so yeah it's lovely to see that because the only reason you know he lost his site

when he was a bit older as well so some people you know listen to this you know I'll lose their sight I have to tho th I th I th I th I th I th th th th th th th th th th th th th th the th their th th th th th th th their th th th the th th the th th th the th the their so the the the th th th th th th th their th their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their so their so their so their so their so their so their so the the the the the the the the the the the to theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee so the they they're the they, could I do this, could I do that? You definitely can. And Chris is a great example of that, of someone who's really succeeding and all that, even though it's got his challenges. I think it's great people talking about that kind of stuff, you know? Because people can be a bit British and awkward about it. Totally agree. You know, while you've got your side, the vampire slider. Every time he's to do that he'd go I don't know what the fuck you look like mate but that cracks me up all those look alike it. Right well we'll be back on Tuesday with another catch-up episode and then more guests next week. We'll see you that our podcast what's upset you now is back for a brand new series now I know

what you're thinking do I have time in my life for another comedian hosted podcast with my busy schedule well in most cases no but here's why what's upset you now is different each week we ask ourselves and a guest what's upset you now and we spend exactly 15 minutes discussing and ranting about the frustrations and idiocyes of everyday life. Anything from a bus driver wanting the exact change? To those people doing yoga in the park. And quite often, just simply each other. Yeah,

it's basically anything and everyone. It's the podcast equivalent of being in the pub with your two fennies, putting the world to rise. Yeah, at 2 a.m. So do expect shouting. Listen to what's up set you now available on all podcast platforms. Hello, I'm John Richardson. And I'm Matt Ford. We are comedians, best friends, and we're both football mad, and with the new season just around the corner, we'll be spending more time than we'd like to admit it to to to to to to to to to to the to the the to the the the the the to the the to the the to the the the the the the to the the the the just around the corner we'll be spending more time than we'd like to admit playing Fantasy Premier League. There's nothing we love more than competing against each other in our own league. So in order to justify our FPL addiction we've set up a brand new weekly podcast called

comedians playing fantasy premier league. And it's not just us each week will follow a group of comedians competing in the world's most competitive game. Buying for top spot, World B, amongst others, Rob Beckett, Russell Howard, Romesh Ranganathan, Josh Widdickham, Maisie Adam and Richard Osmond. Plus they'll be the recurring roster of special guests from now until the end of the season. And each week, there'll be prizes, forfeits, and lots of interaction with you. Yes, you, our soon-to-be hopelessly obsessed listeners. There'll no doubt be lots of competition between myself and Matt, and we will look back at the week in football and discuss how events off the pitch might affect your selections.

Our first episode is available to download from the 11th of August from all the usual podcasting platforms. So please like, subscribe and share. You can also follow us on Twitter for extra content throughout the week and to also keep up to date on the standings of the Comedians League and that's at Comedians, FPL. See you in a couple of weeks.