Parenting Hell with Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe - S03 EP24: Lucy Beaumont (The Return)

Episode Date: October 1, 2021

ROB BECKETT & JOSH WIDDICOMBE'S PARENTING HELLS03 EP24: Lucy Beaumont (The Return) Joining us this episode to discuss the highs and lows of parenting (and life) is the brilliant actress, writer and stand-up comedian - Lucy Beaumont. Lucy's fantastic new book 'Drinking Custard: Diary of a Confused Mum' is available now. We highly recommend it! Please rate and review. Thanks - Rob and Josh xxxIf you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @parenting_hellINSTAGRAM: @parentinghellA 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Looking for a collaborator for your career, a strong ally to support your next level success, you will find it at York University School of Continuing Studies, where we offer career programs purpose-built for you. Visit continue. York you.C.A. What does Possible sound like for your business? It's more cash on hand to grow with up to 55 interest-free days. Redefine possible with business platinum. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Turns and commissions apply. Visit MX. C.A. slash business platinum.

Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. Welcome to Parenting Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, to make ourselves and hopefully you feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern-day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or hopefully, hoa' they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you the listener with your tips, advice and of course, tales of parenting woe. Because let's be honest, there are plenty of times when none of us know what we're doing. Hello you're listening to Parenting Hill with...

Well Beckett. And Josh Whittakum. Josh is going to come. Good boy. There we go. He patted his head at the end as well. Congratulations on what I consider to be the best British podcast of all time. Slightly annoyed that he obviously has American ones that he likes more than us, Rob. Jesus, thank you very much.

It's simply not as good as... Till you're better than serial, then come back to me. My three-year-old son, Robin, is trying to get in on the act by announcing your names. He hears a lot of the podcast when he's with me in the cart and always ask, what is so funny daddy, when I'm the th......... th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. I's, thi. to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to.... So, to... So, to. So, to. So, to. So, to. So, to. So, to. So, to. th. to. th. th. th. th. the. to. to. t t today. today, today, today, today, today, today, today, toe. today. today. to podcast. Keep up the fantastic work, and I'll be the first in line, when ye take the podcast to Ireland. I think he means when you, or is he written that in an Irish. We'll never know, regards Damien Wiley. Well, you take it to Ireland?

What do you mean, like, maybe a live show in Ireland? Oh, yeah, he says on tour. thrown by ye. Oh maybe he's got Irish podcasts he likes Rob he's from Ireland. Oh yes there'll be Irish ones that he prefers to us will it? Okay. Well I'm glad you're enjoying Joanne McNally more than us. She's very good. Hasn't got a kid though we can't get her on. Can't get her on. Just have a kid so we can book you mate. How are you Rob? Yeah I'm good. I'm good I'm good. I'm good. I'm good. I'm good. I'm good. I'm good. I'm good. I'm not good. I'm not good. I'm not good. I'm not good. I'm not good. I'm not good. I'm not good. I'm not good. I'm not good. I'm not good. I'm not good. I'm not good. I'm not good. I'm the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the their. I'm their. I their. I their. I the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm thr. I'm thro. I'm the. I'm the. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm good, I'm not too bad actually. Enjoying a bit of tired of a nice day off with the kids on Sunday. They did water balloons. Oh yeah. It's a bit sunny, it was a bit sunny last week, last Sunday. I'll be honest with, these water things I've got from Costco are absolutely, they're dreadful for the environment.

So much plastic, but have a bit of fun while it lasts. Well, I've connected it all up and I'm going to put it in recycling of the plastic, so I'm not trying it away. But what you do is, you get like 20 balloons on sticks and then you literally just screw, it's all connected to them to the tap or the hose, and then it fills them all up and all you have to do is just pull them off the stick and they're already tied up with a little bit of elastic ban. Oh wow. So you get like 50 water balloons in about 10 seconds.

Oh my God. Water bombs things, yeah what the water bombs? Did your children enjoy it and did they throw them at you and it was all very playful in a lovely family manner? Yeah they did the the th couple of issues. Well what I did was I said you have to tidy them up so once we burst all the blue ones we all went around together to find all the blue ones because obviously the balloon makes a mess isn't it? Yeah. So there was all on the floor and then so I made all pick it all up to put it in the recycling box thing we had. And so we did that and then I went off and I went off and the o off off off off off off off off and o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o' the to the to to to to the to to to to the the to to the to the to to to to to to to to their and did and did and did and did the the the their their to find to find to find to their to to find their to find to find their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their to get o' to get off and to to to to to to to to to to to get off and to get off and their. their. their. their. tho and thoooooooooooom. toe. toooomb. tooombs and to to to their one one. their one. their one. their one. the issue the issue was a water balloon is quite hard isn't it? And I got a bit carried away and the first one I threw I threw half power but still pretty powerful right on my daughter's chest and it didn't burst she went

mmm oh no I was like and I was like and she went ah you know when you win some oh dad like an old man, oh, dad, but I was sorry and it means it. So in the end, I just threw them at their feet because it got them wet and it was funny and that and then they started squeezing them out me, but I've just sent them to you. They're great, Josh. But it's just 265 water balloons and it takes like one minute to fill them up. It's great fun. But obviously awful for the environment but what are you gonna do? There you go. What are you gonna do mate? Let's not dwell on that. You know we're all doing our best in other areas Rob you can't win them all.

Look I've got an electric car so I'll still have water balloons. I think it needs to be a trade system. You can't just make everyone feel their their their their their their their their to be a their their th. th. th. th. th. th. to be a thrown the thrown the to be a thr-a to be a to be a to be a to be to be a their their to be a to to to to be to to to be to to to to to to to to to be a to be a to be a to be a to be a to be a to be a to be a to be a to be a to be a to be a to be a their their trade thrade try. their their try. try. thrace. try. try. try. try. try. try. try. try. try. try. try. try. try. try. try. try. try try try try try try try try bad about themselves all the time. You're not allowed a plastic straw, but then they give you a plastic cover for a cup. Why not make that cut? Surely the cover needs to be cardboard. But was anyone criticized you over the water balloons? No, but as I did it, I was like, this is bad, isn't it? Oh, right. I was thinking, whothought about it. Now I'll think about it and still do it and at some point I probably will think about it and then not do it. Do you know what? Whenever I buy one of those magazines for the plastic toys on the front, I think this

is unbelievable. Am I with my paper straw? And now I'm trying to buy a magazine that should be made out of fucking paper. You know that they've got something made out of paper. But do you some paper killing the trees? I don't know anymore, Ron. How do you live? What do I do? But I want to play water bombs? How do you know?

I can't do it, I can't do it, I can't get it in cardboard, ball. Imagine that launching like a bucket of carbole. Do that. Do a water. Do a b a b a b a b a b a b a b. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. th. th. that that th. to to th. th. th. th. th. th. that. that. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. What. What. What. What. What. What. What. What. What. What. I. I. I. I. I. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. lot? Because they don't think it's probably called, they don't think it's as big a part of people's lives as other things. I don't think that's the main issue is it? No. Just lobbing them. You can see a turtle choking on a water balloon. Yeah, you need to keep your head down on this, Rob. stopped but why do they still do the plastic lid? Surely it should just be both be carbold

straw it's like grey and then they give me plastic tub and like sure that's bigger in it? I feel deep guilt about my plastic lids. Yeah. Oh I tell you this is something Rob if you want to talk about the environment and my single-use plastics you know I bought a soda stream. Yep. It stopped working within two months. Oh, here we go. Finally, we're going to give them some shit. Roll that free advertising. Let's get into them. And I've got through three different bottles of CO2, think it was the bottles. I think you're having too much stream. Am I streaming too much? Am I streaming too much?

the bottle. It's stoading the water. I don't understand that it was, but so it's not, so is it the canister or is it the machine? It's the machine because I've tried, I've got so much CO2 in my house, Rob, I'm worried it's going to float away like up. So you're buying like those massive canisters? I know I am. Yeah, if you make sure you're better, I do healing balloons. Well, there. their thin't, if, if, it, it, it, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's make, it's make, it's make, it's the the th. th. the the the the the the the the machine, it's the machine, it's the machine, it's the machine, it's the the machine, it's the machine, it's the machine, it's the machine, it's the machine, I've got, I've got, I've the machine. I've the machine. I've the machine. I've the machine. I've the machine, I've the machine. I've got, I've got, I've got, I've got, I've got, I've the the the the the the the the the the th. I's th. I's th. I's th. I's th. I's th. I've th. I've got th. I've got th. I've got to the th. the th. th. I've got the the th. I've got so the the the th. I've got so, I. Also you're big on laughing gas that's how you do most weekends isn't it? Yeah yeah exactly. I might just you know what can I have this good for that you know okay I'll have heroin it's a naturally occurring drug. Just make sure Rob that you're melting it on a plastic spoon. Yeah heroin up. That's the main thing. Is it melting? I don't know.

I wouldn't know where to start. I wouldn't know where to start. I wouldn't know where to begin on that one. Anyway, how's it's a today? All theymeak, you're a bestseller. Yeah, it's a bit fraught at nursery because all the older kids have left. I've told you about this before. Yes, yes. How's she getting on? So the most popular child is left, who they're all friends with.

It's left a power vacuum, Rob, at the top. It's like the big brother house. You know like when a dictator gets deposed and then the whole country goes to shit because actually that's what makes popular popular popular popular popular popular popular popular popular popular popular popular popular popular popular popular popular popular popular popular.. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I's. I. I's. I's. I's. It. It's. It's. It's, their. It's, their. It's, their, their, ta. It's, ta. It's, te. It's, tea. It's. It's, tea. It's. It's, their. It's, Fair enough. So they're all still finding their place and but I think she's getting there, I think she's getting there, but it's all a bit mean girls, they're only three and a half, but there's so much politics going on. Is it all girls or girls and boys? Well, her friends are girls. Okay, cool. thir thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. they're all, thi. they're all they're all thi. they're all th. thi. they're all they're all thi's all tho they's all th. they's all they're all they're all they're all they're all they're all they're all they're all they're all they's they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they're all. they're all. they're all. they're all. they're all they're all they're all thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thooooo. thi. thi. thi. they're all all all all all all all all all they're all they're allto fit into gender roles that we're trying not to enforce. I know it's really insane. You're like, you're three and a half. How are you into unicorns, fairies and Elsa? Come on, man. You're a cliché. Think outside the box for heaven's sake. Come on, have a thought of your own. He is sheepal. Oh what's that you like pink deer pathetic grow up but daddy I just

like it oh yeah gammon you little gammon gender the construct you little shit right now I could not we lose well Lou is so into like all different issues like that about gender roles and also you know trans and all those things charity thing she works for and she couldn't she she made a real like to the point of having arguments with family members like going, asking them not to buy him like pink prans until they ask for it and stuff, but they absolutely love it. It could not be more, to be more stereotypally girly. It's an absolute. I know what to do. I don't know what to do their their their their their their their their their their their their their to do their to do to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to do to do to to their to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to their to to to their. I to to their. I their. I their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their try. I. I try. I try. I try. I try. I try. I try. I try. I try. I try. I try. I to try. I'm try. I'm try. taken him to football, I try and watch like, you know, more stereotypally boy-things,

not interested at all. Hate boys, love girls. Not a bloody sausage, mate. Nothing. Literally, literally not a sausage. Exactly. But yeah, so, but she's sort of, but she's still trying down now that it's settling or is she's still a bit off? It's still a bit off. It's still still a bit, she's still a bit. It's still, she's still, she's still, she's still, she's still, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's still, she's, she's, she's still, she's still, she's still, she's still, she's still, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's still, she's still, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's still, she's still, she's still, she's still, she's still a bit, she's still, she's still, she's still, she's still, she's still, she's still, she's still, she's still, she's still, she's still, she's still, she's still, she's still, she's still, she's still, she's still, she's still, she's still, she's still, she's still, she's still, she's still, she's still, she's still, she's still struggling. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th th th th thirty, she's still, she's still struggling. th. th. th th thi. th parents whose kids are struggling as well and that's cheered me right up. So that's good. As long as they're all miserable. As long as they're all miserable, that's the main thing. I don't mind my kid being miserable with all the other kids that's called miserable as well. And she just can't be miserable if they're happy.

Exactly. That's the podcast. Not a parent myself, but an auntie. I listen while I'm attempting to run badly in the mornings before starting my working from home desk day. My most tragic stroke funny panic attack. Oh, was it in the chanillain was. Was it in the caramilan? Oh, was it in the chaeramil. You must know the gladesllin, I know the caramellin, so she's a pano in the caramillan. I tried on a dress, open brackets brawless, crow's brackets, had to squeeze it over my boobs to get it on. It fitted like a glove at first,

but I soon realized that it was a bit too tight to be a viable outfit. I was finding it hard to breathe deeply. I decided to get it off pronto. So, unfortunately, the dress got wedged halfway over my boobs in the most unattractive way, clamped right down halfway over my nipples. I couldn't get my head around asking a shop assistant to help me as I'd not have a single ounce of dignity left. Oh, no, tits out, head trapped. Suddenly, the panic set in. And I realized the dress was constricting my breathing further, still in the newlywedged position. I couldn't get a the breath the breath the breath the breath the dress the dress the dress the dress the dress the dress the dress the dress the dress the dress the dress the dress the dress the dress the dress the dress the dress. the dress the dress. I the dress the dress theatress. I theatress. I theathea. I was thathea. I was thoomathea. I was the dress. I was the dress. I was the dress. I was, I was, I was, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I'm t. I'm t. I'm t. I'm tape. I'm tape. I'm tape. I'm toge. I'm t. I'm just just just, toge. C. I couldn't t. I couldn't toge. I couldn't a breath and my chest was being compressed, trapped. I started to melt down sweating, and

then in a moment of sheer panic and fear, I hulked my way out of the dress, literally tore my way out of it with my bare hand. Oh, you ripped it! Like the Hulk! It collapsed on the floor in a sweaty, tearful heap. Oh no. A few minutes later I realized that I had to get out the shop and there was no way I was going to pay for the damage. I scrambled myself together, took the dress on its hangar and put it back on the shop floor. Safe to say I never returned to the shop and always. The dress ripper? Oh, that is from Charlotte. I try not close this stressful, will it?

It's awful. I'm used to the thing, you know when you go in and they count what you got? Even if I didn't want any of it, I found it really awkward to go, I don't want any of these, so I'd go, oh yeah Topman gives a shit that you have detected all of their clothes. But it would be easier for them if they took them all now they've got to try and hunt like missing clothes. Yeah they're hidden around the shop. Yeah exactly. Oh poor lady what's her name or Shannon? Charlotte. Charlotte you owe Karen Millen 40 quid, 60 quid, whatever addresses.

Now, we have an interview with someone who gets into about eight of those style scrapes a day. Yeah, she's a walk-in sitcom, it's a loosey bone one, returning to the show. She was on very, very early day, so it's quite nice to speak to her when it's a bit more about day-to-day parenting rather than the horrendous nightmare of lockdown. She has a book out also you'll know her from Meet the Richardson's which you've been in Rob. Yes I've been in that show, I've been on that show as a Lucy's fictional co-host of a radio show. She's so funny, she's brilliant. She reminds me of, she gives me real

real Victoria Wood vibes. I think she already has been, but we'll go on to be one of the best sort of comic writers and performers we've got. She's amazing. You say the word to National Treasure, Rob, in the interview, and I almost just said it ahead of you there, which would have been absurd. So should we just do the interview? Yes, do the, I don't say. I. church. Oh is it? Well let's say it with Lucy Beaumont then. It's been a long day of interview recording. This is Lucy Bogart. Who, and let me be the first to say it,

is a national treasure. I'm not going back to university to be your friend. I'm going so I can get Uber 1 for students. It saves you on Uber and Uber eats. I'm there for zero dollar delivery fee on cheese burgers, up to 5% off smoothers. It saves you on Uber and Uber eats. I'm there for zero dollar delivery fee on cheeseburgers, up to 5% off smoothies and 5% Uber cashback on rides. Just to be clear, I'm there for savings. Not whatever you think University is for. Get Uber one for students. A membership to save on Uber and Uber eats.

With deals this good, everyone wants to be a student. Jain for savings may vary. Eligibility and member terms apply. Back to school signals a fresh start for students. New classmates, new teachers, new lessons. Change is in the air. But one thing hasn't changed. The forward government still isn't investing in public schools. Six years of cuts mean our students aren't getting the supports they need. They can't wait another year. If the Ford government won't change, it's time to change the government. Our kids are counting on us. Join us at Building Better Schools. A message from the

Elementary Teachers Federation of Ontario. Lucy Bumon, welcome back to the show. How are you? Hello, good thank you. Yes, thanks for having me back. I think you were the third ever episode Lucy. Oh was I, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, the the the the the the the their, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, the the the the their their the their their the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, toge, toge, toge, toge, toge, toge, toge, toge, toge, tho for having me back. I think you were the third ever episode, Lucy. Oh, was I? Yeah, we've... Yeah, John did one, didn't he? And then I did one. Yeah, well we owe you because no one listened to it then. And now they do, so it's only fair you come back and get something out of it after doing us a favor. Do you thi th th th th th th th th th th th th. thu thu thu thu thu thu thu thu thu thu thu. thu. thu. thu. thu. thu. tho tho tho tho tho tho that thate. tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho to to tho to tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, th. th. th. th. th. th. Yeah, th. Yeah, th. Yeah, th. Yeah, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, thoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. You got better guess after us then. I think it's been a mixed bag over. I'd say you and John's episodes. They're always, the couple ones always do well

because you get a bit of infighting. Well we were right in the midst of it then, where we were all, it was lockdown, parent in hell, yes. Yes, and now we're yeah, yeah, yeah. It's quite mediocre actually, to be honest. I'm in the same hotel, Lucy. How far away are you? What room are you in? What room are you in? This sounds a bit weird? I don't want to tell you, Josh. Why are you in the same hotel as Lucy? We're working together tonight and I was like, oh, I'm interviewing Lucy today. Oh, we're going to be doing this from separate hotel rooms.

How is your hotel room? It's fine, yeah. It's, you know, I'm slightly annoyed that I've been put in a building that's across the road from the hotel. So I had to walk in the rain to breakfast, but I don't think that's a big issue in my life. You know. At at at at at at at that, I that, I that, I that, I that, I that, I th. I th. that's, I th. th. th. thin, I thin, I thin, I thin, I th. th. th. th. thin, I th. th. thin, I the thin, I was, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the thin, the the the that, the the that, the to to the to that, that, that, that, threaten, threaten, the the. thin. the. that, think that's a big issue in my life, you know. No. At least when we first did this podcast, you would have drent have been able to walk across a rainy car park. Oh, mate, I'd have killed.

Exactly. It shows you how quickly it all changed his back, isn't it? I don't like the other clientele. Do you not? Yeah, yeah, I saw them all like breakfast. They're all in title. They're all, they're the new money. They're actually quite working class but they think because they're in Windsor that they need to act up. They dress up for breakfast. I didn't like it. It annoyed me. I left. I left earlier. I was disgusted by them I'll be honest. So Lucy, where's the baby? Well it's not a baby anymore is it? A five, I the the the th. She th. She the the th. She th. She th. She's th. She's the the the th. She's the th. She's th. She's th. She's the th. She's th. She's th. She's th. th. I's they're they're they's they's they're they're all all. I's they're all. I's they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're. I was. I was. I was. I was. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. th. the th. the the the th. the the the the th. the th. the the the th. they're. they're. they're. they're. they're. the where's the baby? Well, it's not a baby anymore, is it? You've got a proper five-year-old child, is it?

Five-year, she's at school. She's the government of taking her off me. How's she doing? Oh, I don't know. I don't know. She doesn't want to go ever. She just wants to play Lego and watch TV. And that's all all I want thoos thozy thozy thozy thozy thozy thozy thozy thozy thozy thozy thozy thozy thozy thozy thozy tho to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to tho. to to to to to tho. She's just to to to to to to to to to to to to to th. She's to to th. She's to th. She's th. She's th. She's th. She's th. She's th. She's th. She's th. She's th. She's th. She's th. She's th. She's tho. She's tho. She's tho. She's just tho, she's just tho. She's just tho. She's just thoooooooooooooooo. She's just thooooooooooo. She's just tho. She's just to do as well. Yeah that's all anyone wants to do, isn't it? It's just, can you swear on this? It just really pieces me off.

She's finally got her to an age where she'll actually play on her own, interrupted. And then she has to go five days a week. I didn't, and it, about 16 months I needed to take her off me for five days a week. She's a joy, and, and she, and she, and she, and she, and I, and she, and she's, and I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I didn't, I didn't, I didn't, I didn't, I didn't, I, I, I didn't, I didn't, I didn't, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I to, to, to, th. th. And, th. And, th. th. And, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th.'s like she's cool. She's a little, like, she's our little mate. Well I don't know. Are yours at school yet? Yeah, mine's, my eldest is at school and then the younger ones in the preschool. So I know what you mean though now, it's just like having a little mate with you. And I find they're not as difficult anymore like we're having to take nappies out and change them but but but but but. And them. And them. And them. And the the the their their their their their their their their their, their, their, their, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like their, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, their their their their their their their their their their their their their their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, like, like, like, little mate with you. I find they're not as difficult anymore like having to take nappies out and change them but I will be told everything I'm doing wrong on a day out almost immediately like I've got three wives now. I'm like I'm like a Mormon on the weekend. Just getting mad. Imagine that. Have you had to like whether they speak in the teacher. I was doing something in the kitchen and I left

some out and she said, choose it, use it, then put it away. She talking about job. Maybe she just got it from him. So has she been at school for what, two, three weeks is that when she started? Yeah and I just, like the level of... Yeah, maybe she's just got it from him. So has she been at school for what? Two, three weeks? Is that when she started? Yeah, and like, I just, like, the level of, the pictures she's bringing back, they're just not good enough.

Like, I was keeping the first, the first week I kept like, thrown them know all the pictures? Yeah, like, which one do I want a key? I'm throwing them all away and I feel awful, but they're not good enough. Yeah, there is, I do think there's a, you need a sort of quality control method

on your kids' drawings and paintings. That scribbles on a bit of a bit of card. They've got got got got got got got got got got they they're they're they'm thinking when am I going to go back through this draw and kind of tearfully remember these awful pictures? Do you know like, like I think you need to do a kind of keep one thrown nine maybe that's about the ratio we're looking at. So what's your method Lucy at the moment? Well I've bought these picture frames off Amazon just four pictures? I'm only going to put up four pictures from I haven't put them up yet but I just want four pictures from the ages of one to five that best depict her. That's a nice idea.

Yeah and I'm throwing all the rest. Do you know what you could do it like Lucy? You know the, I don't know how many chairs it is, but that five chair challenge or whatever it's called on X Factor where you have the pictures in and then when she brings back a new one you go is this good enough to replace one of the ones in the frame? Really good ads. Like they say when you do the comedy store and they go which act would you think you should replace on the bill. So she knows that she's got to up her game if she wants to get in the frame.

And that's the slogan you can use. I hope you game if you want to get in the frame. I hated it when I said that to me and I did the comedy store. You're like, oh who do you think you can replace? I was like, fucking sit down and I'll give you a list. Giving it the big one like. Did you for, I think I've been too honest. But at the time, there was want to see the gig at the comedy store. And I actually contemplated getting run over outside before so I didn't have to go in.

Why didn't you want to do it? I didn't want to get completely run over there. I just wanted a little, a big bruise, you know, that I could show them. It's quite row. It's quite rowed there, I suppose. But yeah, you th th th th you th, but yeah you didn't actually get run over there, did you Lucy? No, no, I just contemplated it. And how was you the first day dropping her off then, starting school?

Oh, it was awful. I mean... And you've moved, have you moved house as well, is that right? Yeah, yeah. So in quite a lot of detail it sort of leads up to that point that was just I mean it's gonna be one of them images that stays with John because I I took her in and dropped her off and she was she was just a straw and then they said go just to prize her off me and they said just go isn't it awful and then I was like I got piled her fingers off you yeah yeah yeah th th th th th th th th th th that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that's that's th that's th th th th th th th th th th th th th th I th that's the the the that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that that that the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the thee the the the the the the ththat they had to prize her off me and they said just go isn't it awful and then I was like I got piled the fingers off you yeah yeah that's

the worst but you can actually see him peeling them off you like that oh my God it's horrible awful and I got back to the car and I said I can't deal with this John and I marched back in but when I went back into the classroom, she was fine and they were all getting in their wet weather gear to go down to this forest school in a park, like down the road. But because they're all busy, they didn't sort of notice. They didn't sort of notice me there. And there was this really cute little girl and she had, like, she had like an eye patch and a hair and she was like really like old for her age. I can we have the mirror was it is it a mirror sorry

I just had this sort of like bond and she asked me to help her get ready and before I knew it I was sort of walking down with them to the to the school and yeah and then the other teachers they didn't seem to mind you all have to like hold on to a rope and go down you know like convicts you you you you you you you the the to the the to the the to the the to the to the the the the the the the the to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the mirror. their was their was their was their was their was the mirror was the mirror was the mirror was the mirror was the the the the the the the the the the the the the the mirror was was was was the their was their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I'm. I'm. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the and the other teachers they didn't seem to mind you all have to like hold on to a rope and go down you know like convicts a bit. So Lucy you dropped your dog troff who was crying and then you went back to her upset panicked and run back in to get her I assume and then you didn't get her because she didn't notice you and she was fine at this point anyway, but you befriended a small girl and went to Forest thus. She like led me out with them, so I went with them and I held her hand. And could your daughter see you by this point?

She was really giving me dagger. She was so embarrassed. She was pretending I was... But I don't understand why the other key workers didn't say, you're an adult don't know but John's face when I walk past him. So you walked past him with the kids? Yeah. I see the suspenseful. Where was John in the car? He looked at his what? What are you doing? And we went like all down the road and then into this like cut through this like forest

area and you had to like hold your hands up in the air so the nettles didn't get you and they did look you know like hostages coming out of a building. They looked like that. And the little girl said don't worry I'll look after her. It was really sweet and then we all sang songs together so I stayed. I like like led to th. And I to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the their to their to their their to to their to their to their to their their. their their their. I their. I their. to their their their their their their their their their their their their their their. I their. I their. I their. I their. I their. I their. I their. I their. I their their. I their their their their. I their. I their. I their. I their. I their. I try. I try. I try. I try. I try. I try. I try. I to to to to to to to to to their their their their their. songs together so I stayed. I like... She died! Yeah. We all went under camp but yeah. And I tried to get Elsie to sit with me, but she wouldn't sit with me. Lucy, this is absolutely insane. I mean, I think if you had to write an example of the worst way to drop your kid up at

preschool, I think that'll be up there. The only thing that beats out that is the the things thinks thinks thinks thinks thinks thinks thinks thinks thinks thinks thinks thinks thinks thinks thinks thin we thin thin' thin' thin' tho tho tho tho thoes tho''ll be up there. The only thing that beats out is you crying at the door. It's true, isn't it? And then we went, they don't... How long was you there for? But then what we realized, this little girl, she'd used me. She'd completely manipulated me. So she asked me to help her put some shoes on, you know, to goto Forry School which I did and the key worker said when we were like around the campfire she said they're not her shoes she tries to put that other girl shoes on every day so you're that clever she'd used you to kind of trick you into stealing some

stolen goods with her yeah so when did that? So when did the whole thing end? So can I just ask how did he eat this one just on an unpack me? So can I just ask, how did the whole thing end? You sang songs? What songs did you sing? We sang songs and then they got some bread out to toast. When it started getting heavy, when they started lighting fires, that's when I... Start getting heavy. That's when I left then at that point and she as I say she was fine and she really didn't want me there and obviously I'd caused this problem with these junk shoes.

So I'd overstayed my welcome so I left and he got in the car. I overstayed you're well. What did John say to you when you got in the car? He was really annoyed with me. He was really annoyed. How long when you got in the car? It was really annoyed with me. He's what you're doing. He was really annoyed. How long did the whole thing last? What, five minutes? Something like that, an hour. And he was late for something as well.

And the teachers didn't say what you're doing or... Did they just let me get on with it? I don't know whether that was a good thing. I think some parents at the school gates do have a look in their eye where it's just not worth talking to them like that. You just sort of think, they're obviously working through something. Just let her steal some shoes with the little girl and let her sit by the fire for a bit and she'll slowly wander. How was the second day? John did it on the tod. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. tho tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho, tho' that that tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the, the, the the the the the the the theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeea. theeeeea. thea. thea. thoo his own. He wouldn't let me do it. Really? He wouldn't let me do it the next day. Was you in the car or was you at home? Yeah, I was at home.

Because like it's up a hill and I don't drive so when I take her, well, when it was then I used to take her up make the prom like a taxi. I used to put like a hood over it and like get you know a hot water bottle and give her a YouTube to watch, try and make it like a home cinema. How long was to walk? Because this was obviously this was when she started preschool so this is like two two year yeah but as I say it got us prepared for school. Yeah, so she didn't she didn't want to go she. I've she don't want she don't want she don't want she don't want she don't want to go. I. to go. to go. to go. to go. to go. to go. to go. to go. to go. to to to to to to to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to make. to make. to make. to make. to make. to make. to make. to make. to make. to make. to make. to make. to make. to make. to make. to make. to make. to make. to make. to make. to make. to make. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. I. I. I. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. to. to go but she's I've got all my neurotic behaviour out. So that was your oh that was preschool that wasn't that's good I think in a way because yeah they are young though preschool they're so little it is a bit different now that you know when they're five and they go after school they do feel like a little mini adult you know what I mean? Still when every time I drop mine off I still still when every the time I drop th up up up up up th I drop mine th I th I drop mine th I th th th th th th th th th th th they they they they they they they they they they they they're th th th thi thi thi they're thi thi they're that that thi thi thi thi that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that that that thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi that's that's that's that's that that's that's that's that's drop mine off and see him walking down that little path, I do just go, oh look at my little baby wandering off!

I tell me okay! Oh dear, I know it's so hard, isn't it? When the little uniform doesn't help either, does it? No, and it's always looks like too many layers, massive backpack, you're like, the water bottle is so heavy! Has she got friends at school? Like you asking her about stuff like that? Yeah, she's got one best mate and they've become like the same person, they eat the same food. She just says I'll have whatever the friend wants. It's really cute actually.

So she's all right like that. She's not like John, she's made friendships quickly. How are you with like play dates and stuff? Oh God, I've just started having, do you know, because it's all the new thing, the play date thing, because I used to meet up with mums who had like kids the same age and was all meet up together, you know, and that was more for us. And now she's having like actual friends that I don't know come around. I've got to... But I've been introduced badly with this because the first mum I met,

we went to the park and she brought cans of gin and tonic and it was only 10 o'clock in the morning. Oh! Did you have to have one out of politeness? Well, I thought that's what you do. So, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, that's that's the, the, the, the, their, their, their, their, tho, tho, tho, tho, their, their, tho, tho, tho, their, their, their, their, their, their, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I. And, I, I, I, I, I, I, I. And, I, I. And, I, I, I, I, I, I'm their, and, and, and, their. And, their. And, their. And, tho, tho. And, tho. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, I'm they. And of politeness? Well I thought that's what you do so like when I've been having played it I've always asked you to the other mum do you want dinner tonic and so when they've said water I've just sort of vetted him and then they don't come back again but now I know that's actually normal not to drink I think it's more normal not to drink isn't it really? Yeah I'd say so. No. Yeah with kids in the morning I'd say yeah. I had one recently and the mother I mean he's a funny because you don't want to talk about people in case they're

they listen and stuff but and she I think it's okay to say she's a very timid mum you know really and and and and that's coming from you and John as from And from, you know, we were talking about Christianity, she's from a very, you know, Christian family. And then it wasn't my daughter's fault. They were in the other room dancing. I don't know how they'd done it, but they were asking Alexa, they'd gone through like gummy bears, crazy frog, Ed Shearer, you know, asking Alexa for stuff. And I don't know what they'd ask for, but Alexa had misinterpreted it, and it was, it was like, put your on my, you know, work it, work it, work that ass.

And we walked in there all dancing to this, ah, and this poor woman, I think she thought it was like how a playlist or something. I was so apologetic. It sounds like it was Wap. That is probably the worst song. I think that was it. Why does Alexa let you put stuff like that? How can you go from Crazy Frog to that? So did you put, did you let the song play out of awkwardness or did you go, Alexa stop? I was trying to say Alexa, but I've got a whole accent and she doesn't listen to me? So what did you do Lucy? Well, Alexa, Alexa, stop. Alexa, stop Alexa.

Alexa, Alexa, Alexa, stop Alexa. What did the mom say? I'm just wanting to get out of there. She says, I was about out there. We've just been having such a wholesome conversation in the mom say? I just wanted to get out of there. She says, I was a bit out there. We've just been having such a wholesome conversation in the living room. Oh wow. And then she walked into chaos. Oh, it was off. It just wasn't nice. They're dancing to it, and stuff, you know. Don't even know how you dance to that son. Get down. Just get down. And what, did you ask your daughter what they're the the the the the the the, the, we th, we th, th, th, th, th, we th, we th, we th, we th, th, we th, we th th th th th th th th th th th thu thu thu thus thu thu thus thus thus thu thus thus thus thus thus th th thus th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th, we have th, we have th, we have th, we have th, we have th, we have th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th thus, we just just just just thus, we just thus that that that that that that that that thu that that thu thu thu thu thu thu thu thu th son. Charleston? I have to get down.

Just get down. And what, did you ask your daughter what they were asking for? I didn't find out. They were just shouting stuff at Alexa, so I don't know. Do we think John's been at home listening to this while you've been out? That's so boring. This would be quite fun. If people are listening to this on an Alexa if I say now Alexa Alexa play my neck my back do you think your daughter's got quite a hot because obviously this is quite a shocking moment do you think you're you're quite

wholesome parents in that sense then I get the feeling that like it's quite a kind of what I don't go say the world again wholesome household do you know what I mean there's not much cardib going around. John's very, John's very moralistic as well, very sensible, isn't he? You know? Oh yeah, totally, yeah. But I mean childhood should, should be magical. I think some people might think though, oh, they're like, oh, there's a comedian, it might be a bit sweary, it's not going to, it might be a bit, you know, where I think, are you a bit paranoid about that, actually, both comedians, they might think your house is a bit of a risk?

Yeah, yeah, I just try to, I'm wanting to live a normal life. It just doesn't, doesn't seem that, I that, I that, I that, I that, I to seem, I to seem, I to seem, I to seem, I to seem, I to seem that, I to seem that, I to go, I that, I that, I th me, I thi, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just seem, I'm just thin, I'm just, that, that, thi, that, that, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thian, thian, thian, thian, thian, thian, thian, thian, thian, th. Are, th. Are, th. Are, th. Are, th. Are, thi, thi, are, are, are, are just, are just, are just, that, are just, are that, are just, are a that, are just, are, are just, are a that, are just, are just, are just, are just, are just, are just, are just, are just, are just, I thi. I am worried that they think you know the comedians and they're on tele and yeah I don't I want to be like a step wife really but you're because your daughter your daughter is in your TV show and now she's getting older what because before she was like a toddler so what's it like now you're a bit wary of her being in a lot because really yes more she talked she's gonna be a TV personality yeah no she's th th they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they th th the the the th th th th th th th th th th th the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th the the th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th is th is th is the the the the the are the are theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee are thee are the are the are the the the they talked she's going to become a TV personality. Yeah, no, she's not in, we've put her in less and less as the series. So you just see the back of the head now that's the first one. Grinding. And it was that was a conscious decision then between you and John? Yeah, yeah, definitely. Especially like, now she's now she's older and she's got a life of her own. Yeah, no, it's that's that's that's that's that's the they they. It's they. It's they. It's they. It's they. It's thi. they. thi. thi. thi. thi, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, thi, their their their their their, their, their. their. their. their, their. their. their. their, their. the the the the the the their. their. their. their. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. Yeah, no, it's really important. Yeah, it freaks us out.

We've not been the type, I mean I found people who are, putting her on social media and stuff like that anyway. But yeah, no, we definitely, our rule was that, if you could recognize her in public, then we've gone too far. Had she been recognized for photos and stuff in public? Did people, you know, if they ask you and John, do they try and get her in as well because they're fans of the show? Yeah, it's weird that, isn't it? Have you had that?

I once recognized Harper Beckham when she was a baby. Did you? When she was a baby? I was like, oh, I recognized that baby. And then Oh my God! So people ask her for a photo then when you've been out together as a family? Like once or twice and I found it with obviously I said no. It's really weird. Yeah, you can have a photo of my child. Yeah, for less than a tenor at least. Yeah, but that's a new thing having pictures. Like because I have used to be quite nice because no one used to ask me for pictures. I used to take the pictures of John and now they want pictures of us both and it feels a bit more like oh when we're out as a family. Yeah because normally I'd have walked on.

You know if they want a picture with John I'd have walked on. Well you have to leave you you have to leave your kids to the side while you still. Yeah and now she's they their to leave to leave to leave to leave to leave to leave to leave to leave to leave to leave to to to to leave to to to their their to leave their their to leave their their their to leave their to leave their to leave their their their their their their their their their their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their their their their their their. their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their to their te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. to. to. their. their. their the and then it feels bad because they're like if someone was, you know, forgetting that you're on the tell and it's because you're famous. If you're just a child and everyone's having a photo and they're go, you're not allowed in it. Even though you're doing it for like, oh we don't want that person, you know, it's hard to explain that they they different with me and Lou that you know people don't really ask Lou for photos because you know but then so Lou will go for the girls and I'll do it. But people have been coming up to us and going oh are you Lou from the podcast because I talk about Lou. Amazing. Oh heck. They were chatting. They were chatting they were chatting to loo.. the the the the the their their their their their their their their their their their their their to their their their to their to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to me. to me. to me. to me. to me. to me. to me. to me. to me. I to me. to me. to me. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. the. the. the. the. to. the. the. to. the. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to Lou more than me. If you're out and about and you see Rob and his family go up and just ask Lou for a photo.

I just totally hate him. Do you have a photo with me? Can I get a photo please? It sometimes happens as a certain type of man who comes up to me and John and just asks for a photo with me and they always basically they they live with their mothers. Have you got a viewbox a slightly sort of an aspect of your audience is a sort of odd demographic of lonely man? Yeah when you get the audience you deserve don't you and man? Man I'll need a lot of support. Well in I go, well, she married John, so she might like me. So you talk about kind of the perils of sharing your life, Lucy.

Your new book, Drinking Custer, Diary of a Confused Mum, which, as we should say, is brilliant, but it also, let's be honest, you talk brilliantly, but primarily I'd say you're a very gifted writer Lucy. Oh, thanks, Josh, you are. You are? It's good to death of you. Stop, this is. Michael, definitely leave this bit in. I mean, none of us are Richard Osmond, are we, we? No, none of us are Richard Osmond, exactly. That is something that keeps us awake at night. Do you worry about how much you share about your family life?

Like in this book, when you're writing it, you're thinking, in 10 years she might read this? Yeah, I got, I did get really worried about that, but I was already about halfway through when it dawned on me was like heart ten back now. I haired tend back now. But I've accepted the advance and I've spent it. It's too late. I know what I thought I was the only person in lockdown that I thought when lockdown I thought I'm going to be really canny here and I'm going to write a book because no one else else will have thought about doing that. And then th and th and th. And th. And th. And th. And th. And th. And th. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I'm the the the the to to to to to to to to to to to to the thi. I'm to to to to be to be to be to be tha. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. I'm te. I'm te. I'm te. I'm te. I'm te. I'm te. I'm te. I te. I th. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I'm the the the the the the the th. I'm th. I'm te. I'm te. I'm te. I'm te. I'm te. I'm te. I'm te. I'm te. I'm te. I'm te. I'm te. I'm te. I'm te. I'm going to write a book because no one else will have thought about doing that. And then and so I got a meeting with a publisher and I wanted to write a book, a short story about a woman who has an invisible frog and is a borderline alcoholic. So the autography is quite early for that. And he said no. You're not an alcoholic, are you mean? But you're quick so you get away with it. Sorry.

You're not an alcoholic, are you? You don't have that frog anymore, do you? I did you used to collect frogs. I never thought of it like that. Did you? Yeah. I used to go to car boot sales as a 12 year old. Well to sell them or to collect? I used to go to caboot sales and go up. People say if you got any frogs. I'll

buy them off here. We got anything froggy. Oh no yeah yeah yeah. Okay. Yeah. How many did you you end up with? Oh looze. I had you know like a what you call him, a day door shelf. You know. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the th. the th. the th. the th. th. the the the th. th. th. the to to th. the the to the the the to the the the to to the to the to to to to the to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the to to the to to the the the to to to the to to th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I the. I too. I too. too. too. too. too. too. too. too. too. to to to to the. I th. I to th. what you call them, a da do shelf, you know that goes around the whole bedroom high up. I just put them all up there, yeah. Anyway, but yeah, but he was like, no, that's a terrible idea. Yeah. But why don't you write a book about parenting? And I think he said you can put your weird frog story in your book. So I did. Yeah. That's a little trait. Yeah, but I had a lot I wanted to say. I wanted to make it obviously make it funny. I had collected all these anecdotes that I enjoy telling people you know all these ridiculous things that because I I mean you you both know me now. I mean I am a walking sitcom every day. I've worked together and it's so it's almost like you're a magnet for it. You know. It's a the the It's like. It's like. It's like. It's a you. It's a you. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I had a lot, I had a lot, I, I had a lot, I had a lot, I had a lot a lot a lot a lot a lot a lot a lot a lot a lot a lot a lot a lot a lot, I had a lot a lot, I th. I, I th. I, I th. I th. I th. I th. I, I th. I th. I, I th. I, I, I th. I, I, I, I th. I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I had a lot, I had a lot, I had a lot, I had a lot, I had a lot, I had a lot, I had a lot, I had a lot, I had a lot, I had a lot, I had a lot mean I am a walking sitcom every day. We've worked together and it's almost like you're a magnet for it. You know when some people just attract people or situations and you're with them? Like it's that being on a roller coach. Like, oh my god, you must be exhausting. It's been their day.

All these stuff like little pot-oh or part, you know that the stuff happens in a sitcom. It does sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. the the the the the the the the the the the th. th. the the the the the the the th. the the the th. I the th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I that's that's that's that's that's that's that's th the staff that was in a sitcom it does sort of be attracted toward you Lucy. Do you feel that? Yeah, yeah, but they're all in the book but I also want you know I had a difficult time as well, you know and then you know the bass was like horrendous you know and I'm pretty sure we both had post-traumatic like actually seriously have most dramatic shock from it and so I want it to be just, there is a lot of bare things, sorry, but I think it is really important just, you know, telling your perspective on it because it is a mental time. So I've tried to just be truthful really with how I'm feeling. And I think you do see how like we both come out, you know, we come out the other end. And I've tried tried tried tried to to to to to to to to to to to to thired, thired, thired, the thired, thirty, the their, their, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, tomomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow, tell, tomorrow, tell, tell, tell, the, the, the, the, the, the, the other end and I tried to go back to your question there is a lot about Elsie obviously but I tried to make it more

about me and my my perspective on things and try to hopefully the reader knows when I'm lying to myself you know what I mean? Yeah and you've got John John does interruptions in it as footnotes and and because he'll recall things slightly different so every now and again you've got his voice interrupting. Did he read it and then just do what he wanted or did you vet what he wrote? No I just did what I just I just let him do what he wanted. He was very you know he was good at you in the past where they are maybe a bit more

emotional really he would maybe not. He would maybe not. He wasn't chipping in with a gag. Yeah, look she's banging on about it but the labor didn't seem too hard to me. Anyway, that's my five that's my five sense worth. Next chapter. Yeah, yeah, so no, so I'm proud of it and I think I hope it's for anybody. But I that that that th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th that that the that their their their that's their that. to their to to to to be to be to be to be to be to be their their their their their their their their their their. hea. hea. hea. hea. hea. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. th. th. I th. th. th. th. th. the. the. the. that's the. to to toe. toe. toe. toe. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. hea. I hea. I he. I proud of it and I think I hope it's for anybody but I think you do see how I come out of it, okay. Because at one point, I mean the height of sleep deprivation at about six months was just, I was mental. And I had these like one friend from a playgroup that I went, we went to Manchester club in and I hadn't slept for weeks and I was so upset because everyone was 18. And it's the first time I've been in a the th a th to th to th to th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi how I'm thi thi thi how I come I come I come I come I come I come I come I come I come I come I come I come thi how I come thi how I come thi how I come thi how I come thi how I come th out I come th I come th I come th I come th I come th I come th I come th I come th I come th th th th. I come th. I'm th. I'm thin I'm thin, I'm thi thi thi thi thou thou thou to come to to to to thou. I'm to to to thou. I'm thou. I'm thou. I come out out thou. I come out out thee. I come thin weeks and I was so upset because everyone was 18. And it's the first time I've been in a nightclub for years and like it was so weird that

without I sound a bit up. When I was sort of younger you know when I was sort of younger you know, you know, the early 20s I would maybe get a little bit of attention in a night club. It was so we had seen the same sort of guys you know younger. It was like like you're invisible, you know, as soon as like you turned 30, you're like invisible to men and it is like quite freeing but it annoyed me in this nightclub. We were all dancing, we've all felt so old and there was this lad, right? He had them, you know where they don't have socks on with shoes and he had like really tight trips and a pink shirt on. You could see like he's like their their their their their their th. th. th. th. th. You th. You th. You th. You th. You're th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi's thi's thi's like, thi's like, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. It's is like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, th. It's th. It's is th. It's th. It's th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the same, the same, the same the same th. th. the same thi's like, thin, thin, the same, thin, the same, the same, like, the same, thi's like, thi's like, thi's like, like, like, like, like, thi's like, like, like, like, thi's like, those are really tight trousers and a pink shirt on. You could see like he's bald, it was like, it was disgusting. And he was flirting with all these young girls and he was shimmying over to us, farting and going back to them.

He was use us to fat. He did it three times. And honestly, I could have killed him. I'm not sure. And I said, you need need need need need need need need need need to need to need to need to to to to to to to to to to to to to to three times. I could have killed him. I'm not sure there. And I said, you need a poo. Go to the toilet. What did he say? I don't know.

It just looked off. It was so embarrassed. I was sleep deprived. I could imagine you doing that as all everyone was because you're quite quiet and stuff but when you you want to be heard you are heard do you I mean so I imagine it's very thorough to do I'm from a long line, fish waves. That's what I mean you're wearing you've got two personalities where you sort of quite quiet and stuff and we'll shuffle off, you know, on preschool down to forest school, but then you will scream at someone who knick up, you need a shit.

I could have dragged him there, I could have dragged him to the toilet and stood with him whilst he had a poo. I was so, it. Say you are like the height of sleep deprivation. What kind of sleep patterns were happening then at six months? I'm kind of, I'm always obsessed with the lowest points of sleep deprivation. Because I breastfed till she was 16 months. And so that particular pine, what was annoying was that obviously she didn't need it anymore. It was she was just taking the piss.

She was waking like four or five times a night. And like sometimes she'd wake up and cry for milk and I'd go in and she'd already fall back asleep and I'd be awake. So it was just, she was in such a disturbance. So it was like four or five times, but she, but she, but she, but she, but she, but she, she, but she, she, but she, she was, but she was, she, but she was, she was, but she was, that she was, that she was, that she was, that she was, that she was, that she was like, that she was like, that she wasn't that she was like, that she was, that she was like, that she was like, that she was, that she was, that she was, that she was that she was that she was that she was that she was, that she was, that she was, that she was, that she was, that she was, that she was, that she was, that she was, like, you know, and I'd be awake. So it was just, she was in such a disturbance. So it was like four or five times, but she wasn't napping in her, I couldn't, we couldn't get a napping, like in a car, so napping would only be, she had to be, you know, in a, in a pram, we had to be moving. Oh no. So it wasn't like you could chill out, you know, while she was napping.

So it wasn't, it was mental. Oh God. What did you do, did it just change or did you do sleep training or did you do anything? Yeah. After I had already told you about the, screen the milk in the pepper pig bowl. That was the climax where it was like, right we're going to have to do cry out, to do, to do, to do, to do, to do, to do, to do, to do, to do, to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the the the the the the the the, the the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the the the tho, tho, tho, tho, that, that, that, that, that, threaten, too.a, that, threathea, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, bowl. That was the climax where it was like right we're going to have to do quiet out. You might have told us but it was 18 months ago it bears repeating if so. Well that was the final point where I was like enough is enough. She'd had a, I've taken her out and she'd had you know a nap in a prim and she'd fallen asleep and so I had a to nap and I had a nap and I to to the nap and I to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the to to to the to the to the the to to the the to to to the the to the to to to to to to their to to to to the their to to to to to to to to to to to to to be to be to be to be to be to be to to to to to to to to to to to to to to their their their their their their their their their their their their their. their. their. their. their. It. It's their. It's their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their toe.e. It was toe. It was toe. It was their their to, I mean, obviously, it's not, sometimes people don't like these sort of graphic images, but I needed to express, you know, I had a lot of milk.

And I got a pepper pig bowl out, and because it was the only thing I could find because it was leaking. And all I did was just that lightly tap on my chest and it squirted out quite far. So I thought, wow, you know, the gun, the gun, the gun, the gun, the gun, the gun, the gun, their, their, their, I their, I their, I their, I their, I their, I their, I their, I the pepper, I the pepper, I the pepper, I the, I their, I the, I the, the, the, I was, and I was, and I was, and I was, I was, and I was, to, I was, I was, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I was, I. I was, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, tape. tape, tape, tape, tapot, tape, tape, tape, had. tape, had. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. tap wow, you know, like those guns, you know, theme packs, there's water guns. So I put the pepper pig bowl a bit further away on the table. I wonder how far I can aim it. And I did it again. And it was like about, honestly, the complete truth, I could squirt it about a meter.

But then then, our electrician that was doing work on our house walked in. Oh my God. I'm not on me. That is a sick, another one of those sitcom moments for you, isn't it? It sounds like I know it sounds like I'm making this up. I'm not, I'm not making it up. Well, it was the really unfortunate thing was. He drank it. Well, no, after I woke up for a nap, I was a bit cold.

So I put this shirt on that was next to me. And sadly, that was his share. No, what? That I was wearing, yeah. And I didn't know until John got back in, and I found a little bit of gaffer to, you know, in the pocket. Because John was it, John said, who's a shirt? So you were wearing his shirt and spray milk a meter across the kitchen and he walked in? Yeah, yeah.

Did he say anything or did you say sorry and walk out? Well I said, oh, I just made a front, you know, I just said you've seen it all before, you know, I just said you No! And I said the brows from Max and Spencer. Oh my God. It's making, I know, this all sounds weird. But basically, like, obviously like, and John came back and I was like, this can't carry on this is like, I knew it was just all mental. I was like, this is ridiculous, look at me, like, I can't but you're so sleep deprived you're not even sort of functioning properly like social you're just so it's all mental isn't it because you're not thinking things through it. Yeah and and that's when I had to get strict and we did we did it about after a few months and we did it out out method and

because I'd read all the stuff I said how awful it is we had to do that we tried but we did it about after a few months or whatever, but you have sometimes you just sort of have to or it just never ends and they're not happy, they're not resting. It's better from to have those few nights of crying rather than every night. Totally controlled cry out. If you go through like a method and stick to it. Yeah. Oh yeah, it it changed our life. I totally understand people that Russell came for example did it like about 10 minutes after the baby being born and shutting up the windows and yeah but he maintains it was great for him I personally wouldn't do cry out straight away about trying all the other methods me and Lou didn't want to do that but eventually we just had to and it was the best thing we ever did yeah I mean I tried it on John a couple of weeks ago and felt like that was the best time for him to know.

Also, do you know what, it would be good to know if anyone listening can actually go further than a meter. Maybe we could do a world record of breast milk into a pepper pig bowl and find trumpeting. We're not going to ask a proof. I think that would be too far. Yeah, we don't need, we don't need. We'll to ask it like the Guinness. to the word, we'll to to to to the word, we'll to to to to to the word, we'll, we'll, we'll, we'll, we'll, we'll, we'll, we'll, we'll, we'll, we'll, we'll, we'll, we'll, we'll to to to to to to to to to tak, we'll to to to to the word, we'll, we'll, we'll, we'll, we'll, we'll, we'll, we'll, we'll to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the word, we'll the word, we'll the word, we'll, we'll, we'll, we'll, we'll, we'll, we'll, we'll, we'll, we'll, their, their, their, their, tod, tod, tod, try, try. try. try. try. try. try. try. try. try. try. try. try. try. today, today, to three meters, anything beyond that we will need, we will need some kind of trip. We'll have to send someone around Michael or come round a couple just to double check it like the Guinness World Record. You've got to miss a feed, you've got to miss a feed and then it really shoots. Stop giving away your secrets. I know. Imagine in the build up to the world championship, missing eight feeds. Wow. It's an Olympic. It I've got a real year.

Yeah. Hello, I'm Tom Crane. And I'm Simran Shah. And we're the hosts of the new food and comedy podcast, My Favorite Takeaway, where each week we're invited into the home of a celebrity guest to share their favorite takeaway, exactly as they normally have it. We'll be trying it all from Peruvian street food slouched on James Acaster's L-shaped sofa, to an Antigan feast huddled around Andy Oliver's dinner table, via an Alfres-Inian takeaway taqa on Insta, my favorite takeaway

podcast, on Twitter at Fave Takeaway Pod, or you can email us, hello at my favorite takeaway, taqa podcast.com. Don't forget the subscribe, like and share. My favorite takeaway, the podcast for anyone who loves food but can't always be bothered to cook. Available on all podcast platforms now. Lucy, thank you so much. It's been amazing. And what's your book called again? Just to remind our listeners? I can't have been that.

No, I'm joking. It's the young man. I can tell you, it's called the tri-in-custard. I really have a confused mom. Lucy. When you type Lucy Beaumont B into Google, the first thing that comes up is Big Breakfast. Oh yeah, I know it's hilarious that. What is that? That's been quite good for me actually because

obviously like I have so many stories do I? And I honestly think people think I'm making him up. I think that's been quite good because I used to do that story on stage and no one believed me. And then someone found a clip of it on YouTube. That, it was, I basically came home from primary school one day. My mom said, you've won a competition and we're going on TV and you to keep your mouth shut. And what she'd done with, it was big breakfast, had done a competition with the kids to design a fountain. But it, you know, it feeds into your Nantes book really well. Which I'm reading at the moment, Josh, I think it's absolutely brilliant.

Because that was like such Nanty's viewing, won it? And my mom, because my mom went to art college and she was sat at her and bored so she drew this amazing picture of this fountain and we won and I had to pretend it was my drawing. It was like, only fools and arse. Oh my God. What was the prize? They actually made the fountain.

And I had to unveil it. Oh my God. They had like a brass band playing and, you know, Paul Yates, Gabby Roslyn was there, I had to like lie to the face. Oh wow. But it was the clips on YouTube and then right at the last minute, it was like my mum was like squeezing my hand on like on tele so tight to say it and then right the last minute she said I did give her a bit of help with it. Oh! That is amazing. Oh my God. Well I'm definitely reading the book if it's it it it it it it it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it with it. Oh, that is amazing. Oh my God, well I'm definitely reading the book if it's full of stuff like that.

Your life is a walking. Anyway, Lucy, thank you so much for coming on. It's been an absolute pleasure, as always. See you soon, Lucy. Thanks, Lucy. Drinking Custoday of a confused mother. Cheers, Lucy. Cheers, bye. Bye. Lucy Beaumont there? Josh, I know for a fact that everything she said there was true and that's how chaotic

her life is. How is Lucy Beaumont not like on every episode of what I lie to you? It's absolutely amazing. It's unbelievable her story, the things she, like, there's certain people you imagine like comedians will tell stories like that you think, oh they must be punching Alpaville, that's probably can't be fully true. I know for a fact, I can literally picture John's sitting there in the car watching her, the k. I know what she was like, oh God I'm here. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. th. the th. th. the th. the th. the th. th. the the th. the th. their. their is is, I'm their is, their is, their. their. their. their. their, their, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, their. It is. It is. It is. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's, the. It's, the. It's, the. It's, the. It's, the. It's like, the. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's not even hers. I get it if she went in, like, because plausibly she went back in and her kid saw her again and got upset

and Lucy was like, oh God, I'm here now, so I'll stay for an hour. That's something that's happened, but you don't just start holding hands of another child. Wow, it's amazing, isn't it? It's amazing, isn't it? to thi, tha, th. It's, to, to, to, to, to to, to to to to too, to too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, to too, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to.......................... to, to, to, to, to. to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the first time we talked to her, I know this was a different, I know it was a different time, but it feels so different, do you know what I mean? Yeah, and stuff with the kids in school and things like that, but oh bless.

Yeah, it's true though. You need them to be the washing up the other day. Really? Why are you taking them now? Yeah, they love washing up. They do a washing up factory, but we've got a dishwasher anyway to it's sort of pointless. Put the word factor on it, kids in the room involved, right? Ice cream factory. You're going to, what is this? It's an asbestos factory. See on Tuesday. Hello, I'm John Richardson and I'm here to tell you about the comedians playing Fantasy Premier League podcast. I'm Matt Ford and I'm here to tell you that although our podcast is about Fantasy Premier League,

it's not just for Saddows, Loses and Virgins. Yes, for cool people, like us and you, you're listening to this, so you must be cool. Each week we follow the highs and loads of the fantasy football teams of some of the country's funniest people. The great thing is, you don't really need to be into fantasy Premier League or even football to enjoy it. That's because each week Matt and I compete with each other. The lowest scorer in FPL having to do a humiliating for each week. Spoil-a-o'er. their the-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-ffffffffffffffffffew. their-ffffffffffffffffff. their-f. their-f. their-f. their-f. their-n. their-n. their-n. their-n. their-n. their-n. their-n. their-n. their-n. their-n. their-n. their-n. their-n. the-n. the-n. the-n. the-n. the-ncc. the-nc. tttttttttttttttoda-n''''-n'-n'-n'-nccneneneuu. the-nc not the start I'd hope for. Already I've had to do a humiliating chili challenge and try to have a pint with a duck, but it swam off! Even docks don't want to be near Matt Ford.

Over the course of the season, we'll be joined by comedians such as Russell Howard, Romish Ranganathan, Mazee, Adam, Josh, too, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, they..... they. they. they. they. they. they. to. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And, to. And, to. And, to. And, to, to, to, to have. And, to have. And, even. And, even. And, even. And, to have. And, to have. And, to. And.. And, to................ And, to... And, to. And, to. And, to. And, to. And, to. And, to. And, to. And, to. And, even. And, even. And, even. And, even. And, even to. And. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. And, even. And, even. And, even.. Pick up your phone and subscribe to the comedians playing fantasy Premier League podcast now. New episodes are released every Wednesday until the end of the season.