Parenting Hell with Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe - S10 EP42: Mel Giedroyc

Episode Date: July 17, 2025

Joining us this episode to discuss the highs and lows of parenting (and life) is the brilliant comedian and presenter - Mel Giedroyc. You can listen to Mel's podcast 'Where There's a Will There's a Wake' on all the usual podcast platforms. INFO: Mel takes the reins of the gloriously dark comedy podcast where celebrity guests bring their deaths to life as they plan their final day, from dawn to dusk and into the afterlife. Best known for co-hosting The Great British Bake Off and turning it into a national institution, Giedroyc has brought her cheeky charm to everything from Taskmaster to The Magic Request Show to Eurovision: You Decide. Now, she's perfectly poised to guide guests through their dream demises... and we're dying to hear what she digs up. Parenting Hell is a Spotify Podcast, available everywhere every Tuesday and Friday. Please subscribe and leave a rating and review you filthy street dogs... xx If you want to get in touch with the show with any correspondence, kids intro audio clips, small business shout outs, and more.... here's how: EMAIL: [e-mail] Follow us on instagram: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠@parentinghell⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠  Join the mailing list to be first to hear about live show dates and tickets, Parenting Hell merch and any other exciting news... MAILING LIST: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠parentinghellpodcast.mailchimpsites.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parenting Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So to make ourselves and hopefully you feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or hopefully how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with advice and of course tales of parenting woe. Because let's be

honest there are plenty of times when none of us know what we're doing. Hello you're listening to Leo, can you say Rob Beckett? Rob Beckett. Yes, and can you say Josh Whitacombe? Josh Whitacombe. Good boy. This is me and my son Leo. Yes, the most boring boy's name there is, but we panicked. Leo, that's not boring, is it? No, but it is quite, there's a lot of them at the moment.

There's a lot of Leo, a lot of Olivia's and Leo's were a bit of a boomtown, but they Yes, who is 23 months given the intro ago, we moved out of London to a tiny little village near Petersfield a year ago and haven't looked back. Just do it, Josh. I'm originally from New Castle, but you'd never guess. Thanks so much for the pod expecting a girl in November and would love some insight into the one two jump Sarah

I don't I someone that's second time been asked this week about that the one two jump is um Sure, Wolf she's going through at the moment. He's got two under two I think the one to two gap it depends on the gap than it between the kids I don't think the one two jump is as bad as the zero one jump Because I think you've made your peace with your life changing. It depends how ready you were for zero to one. I just the lack of sleep. It's the lack of sleep. It's spinning plates. The lack of sleep was fucking unheld.

One could just do what sometimes when lose out and it's me and or or I'm out and losing a round. One once you and then the other one once you can't possibly be in two places and it's going oh you like that one more than me. No, I don't just they cried first. It's like it's like when you they tell paramedics you've got to go to the first injury you can't go you don't go to the worst you go to the first when you come to. Oh, is that really the that really the rule? That's the rule with a paramedic. No I think because otherwise you can't leave paramedics using their discretion. No if I've sprained my ankle and a paramedic comes

over there's a geezer's legs hanging off I'll be like right go and patch him up he's bleeding out. I've always thought that would be a really tough job. Wow it's insights like that that keep people listening. Is that the hardest job out of all the emergency services? I think it is. Obviously, all of them are tough, but I think paramedics, you're doing so many injuries. I don't think paramedics get any downtime, whereas obviously firefighters have to wait for there to be a fire. Yeah, and I think the police are a bit more on this like, chase a criminal fun aspect. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The paramedic is always going to an injury. I don't think I don't think a paramedic ever goes home to their wife or husband and says I had a really fun one today. Whereas I think a policeman might go something mad happened today. And firefighters, again, that can be pretty bleak and intense. Yeah. But it's not always like the money things where you have a tree, capotry, a teenager has

got stuck in a tiny swing at the park. Yeah, exactly. But so I think the power of it's got to be the hardest mentally to do do right in if we're wrong. Give us your top three in order. Most stressful emergency services. Yes, right. The emergency services in terms of stress. And then it goes and then goes traffic warden if we're going down the publics. What about like lifeboat that must be tough. RLi. RLi. I thought it looks terrifying when it gets launched off that ramp. Fuck that. RLi. Air rescue.

Helicopter ambulance. Yeah, but at least it's called real of presumably love flying. It's called air ambulance. Yeah. It's not called the helicopter ambulance. No, tell you what looks fun. Most fun of the emergency service, a big aeroplane and you've got a scoopy little bucket and then you go over the sea to pick up water to pour on forest fires. Yeah, yeah, that does look good. That does. I'd say that's probably the most fun. Yeah. What about lifeguard on a lovely beach, a lovely calm beach? Yeah, but then you're going to at some point have something horrific happen.

It's an onbers game, but then you, I'd say a lifeguard in Australia is a lot more stressful than a lifeguard in Greece. Yeah, I know the worst would be lifeguard in a municipal swimming pool where it's just boiling hot and you're up. Yeah, the whistle in everyone. Yeah. Oh God, I'm also down pointed out loads when I was at the swimming pool the other day with the kids. You've got to be a swimmer to go on their board. No, you've got to be you've got to be able to be an independent swimmer to go beyond the sort of line.

Can you hear my door repeatedly creaking? No, I could hear someone talking then. What's happening? I can hear Rose's mum talking. What's going on in your room at the moment? There's like a mattress on the floor, then a broken cupboard. Is that a broken door? No, no, that's just an open cupboard. All right, okay. That was the bed that I was sleeping on in my daughter's room.

Oh my god, it's like a prison mattress. It's a futon. All right, I've got to tell Rose's mum to be quiet. Wait there. Good luck. Just love it if you're ready to shout. Oi! Slag! Shut it! How did she take that? Oh, at the moment I opened the door, she knew why I'd opened the door. Oh, wow, power. It's Ferguson at the moment I opened the door, she knew why I'd opened the door. Oh wow, power. You're like Alex Ferguson. Well, I'll be honest, she was sat on the stairs literally outside the door.

What's she doing there? Because the room above me, the reception's a bit patchy, so she sat on the stairs to do a FaceTime. Cheeky cow. Sat on a FaceTime at 80? Who do you think she is? Oh, can I ask you something about FaceTime? Not FaceTime, but Apple, general. Go on. So, my daughter's iPad is set up

and she's got all of my stuff on it and I don't know how to set up our own profile. Oh, yeah, I mean, this is where we need AI. It's so difficult. I'm trapped in a vortex of this. And then when we go on holiday, they're like, well, you know, when you want to get wifi and you're in a hotel, if you click on access to wifi, cause of the security settings they've got, basically you can't go to the website

to put it into, then I have to like log in, undermine and allow that website so they can log into it and then get back on. Just so someone just sends me. I know this is just, this is just admin, a very simple step by step as to how my daughter's because currently she's got, she's got roses. Basically got turn all that off, delete it all and just log out of it all. And then go turn it back on. That restore factory settings and then go set up as new iPad, not your right and then you'll do that and then you can say oh this is for a child and then you link in your account so that they yeah I thought I

did Josh I think you need a little appointment of place called the genius bar and I think and genuinely you're just gonna have to accept that's what you need to go and do yeah head off head on to the old Westfield Genius Bar. Yeah, and just sit with a teenager. Oh, Jesus. And he tells you about how to set up your family network on your apps. Oh, fuck my life.

I know, it's awful. That's where I'm going next weekend, isn't it, the old Westfield Genius Bar? Make a weekend of it, make it a hotel. Do you want to do a bit of correspondence before we bring in our guest? Yeah, I love that we say bring on. Who the fuck do we think we are?

Bring them out like on Wogan. Here we go. Correspond I. Sex in large public spaces, one of them. Yeah, why not? Why not? Dear sexy and increasingly relatable gentleman, and to me increasingly relatable gentleman, recording your request for anecdotes on people having sex in large buildings. Not my story, but in 2017 I was still in the military working at RAF Honington when a close colleague boasted about having sex with a lady friend in the aircraft hangar over the weekend on top of a decommissioned missile.

Oh my God. That is incredible. I'm gonna have to Google that. Do you reckon there'll be a picture of it? Or is it a bit top secret? What size is a decommissioned missile? Oh no, but it's like a picture of it with a bit top secret what what size is a decommissioned missile whenever it's like a picture of a honnington but decommissioned what's it what's the place called honnington I know on top of how big this missile are they laying on it or is they just leaning on it yeah

you're leaning on it aren't you because it's not that big it's like it's like having sex on a kind of oh when we asked what why he had sex on a kind of... Oh, why not we ask why he had sex on a mishsal instead of in the perfectly suing bedroom? Why not? It's the answer to that. He says you do not turn down an opportunity to have sex on a mishsal. Too bloody right. Many thanks for your fantastic work of the years. Your candid open up to parenting and mental health has been a huge help. As a listener from the original Katherine Ryan episode, wow, an OG, you've been with me on multiple IVF cycles

and eventually the birth of my beautiful girl was about to turn one. Oh, thank you very much, anonymous missile fucker. When I was a friend of a friend, decommissioned missile, how big is this bastard? Aircraft tank is huge. Yeah. That's up there, isn't it?

Yeah, that's gotta be up there. That's gotta be up there, no pun intended. Right, Rob. RF Hornington. Oh, that's nice. Right up there. That's got to be up there. No pun intended. Right, Rob. R.F. Horlington. Oh, that's nice. Right, should we bring on our guest? It's a shame it took us so long, really. I know.

Put that earlier in the... Could you chip that and switch that around in the edit, Michael? The energy levels between when we're tied towards the end of the term and when we've just got back off holiday are remarkable, aren't they? Oh, fuck. Right, it's a good episode though. And we're live during this episode. Oh, this is a great one. You're gonna absolutely love it. It's Mel Gedroyk.

Absolute spin. Every single interview starts the same way. Mel, can I say how happy, Mel Gedroyk to everyone, how happy we are to welcome you to Parenting Hell and you were hunched over a microphone and you look stressed. I'm gonna say that. Can I say how happy, Mel Gedroych everyone, how happy we are to welcome you to Parenting Hell and you were hunched over a microphone and you look stressed. I'm gonna say that.

You look stressed and you don't normally do stress. You're the chilled one. Behind you is a drum kit. Your child was helping you set it up and a dog was barking. And I was like, this is great. It sounds like our intro. Do you know what?

Oh, there's Ricky. I've got to say goodbye. Bye Ricky. Oh man. What's that? Who's Ricky? Do you know what? Oh, there's Ricky. I've got to say goodbye. Bye, Ricky. Oh, man. Who's that? Who's Ricky? Do you know what? Ricky is the bass player from The Men They Couldn't Hang, the famous Scottish sort of 80s sort of indie outfit. He's a very, very good egg. He also works part time as a decorator and he's doing a few jobs on the back of the house.

He's your Adrian. Josh has an Adrian, a man called Adrian does his DIY and decorating. He's so lovely Ricky. So he's finished for the day, it's 10am, or has he just arrived? Well he popped off with a zip car van and said he'd be back and he has actually come back but I don't think he's staying for long. Ricky! He's alright, yeah, he's going in the house. Ricky! Could be anchor for his sender's audition. Oh he's coming in, lovely yeah, he's going in the house. Ricky!

I could be angry for his sender's audition. Oh, he's coming in. Lovely. Oh, he's coming in. Yeah. Get him on the drums. Did he do drums as well? I don't think he's a drummer actually.

They all can drum, can't they, in a band? Yeah. You'd think he'd have had a go, wouldn't you? I know. It's all a sense of rhythm at the end of the day. It's just getting in order, isn't it? He is amazing. The deal is, guys, I'm out here in the Rock Pod, as we like to call it, aka the garden shed, because there ain't no room in the house. It's an absolute

ruddy full house this morning so sorry about all this. So how many kids have you got Mel? Let's get on track with the kids. Yes, I've got two. I've got two daughters and a couple of their mates seem to be staying. I plunged into one room this morning. I think it might be my niece judging by her feet, which was sticking out the bottom of the duvet. But I didn't want to go in with a kind of big old tickle just in case it wasn't. So how old are your kids now? Oh God. So currently we are at 23 and 21.

Oh. I know. Old enough to know better. Old enough to know better. Oh, that's exciting. I know. It really is actually. And we did all the sort of empty nesting, you know, the bellowing into their pillows and sniffing their books and all their objects in their rooms because they left us.

And then now what have we got? Actually, no, one's only back for two days and the other's back for five days So did they leave for uni? They left for uni. Yeah, exactly. Have they moved out as well? Yeah, in between well one sort of moved out and is living over an island Yeah, yeah, and the other is just graduated. So she's back probably for a few years You've done the empty nest thing for like three years, but they're back again. Do you sort of look back at that time and go, what was

I doing? They're obviously going to be back and forward all the time. I don't like an empty house, guys. I don't know about you. I noticed Mel within the first 10 minutes. It feels like Ricky's being held against his will. Just gonna pop out Mel, is that okay? Ricky, if I have my way, we'll be living here by the end of the week. Right.

So you don't like an empty house? You've got the dog, one dog? One dog at the moment, but that is a changeable feast. Absolutely. I like a lodger. Do you ever have lodgers, guys? We did when I was a kid, we had lodgers. Yeah.

When I look at my house, I don't feel like I want another person in it at the moment. So someone, someone you don't know will live with you? Well, at the moment, although she's not here right now, you can't see the room. She's in the room up there above where Ricky's painting. She is called Sophie. She's very, very nice. And she's this is weird. She's my sister in law's sister in law, but she's not me.

How often do you talk about your sister-in-law? Like how much of the chat is that between you and Sophie? Have you moved beyond that small talk? You know, she's lovely. She's currently, she's amazing. She's working on Spider-Man, the movie, and she's in charge of the, all the extras clothes. She's a costume lady.

So we don't see her that much. She zips off to Pinewood every morning and comes back quite late. Yeah, that's a long old job. Yeah. And she's got her own food. Do you always have a lodger? Well, yes, we do. So my mum, as soon as my siblings moved out, I've got older siblings, as soon as they moved out of the house where we grew up, she just absolutely rammed it with lodgers.

To make money, you know, to make money. So I think I've just sort of taken on the mantle and I'm doing it possibly a bit too over the toply. And as you can see, in a slightly stressed manner. And you're dying with her. Hang on, hang on, Ricky's got the crockery, hang on. What's he doing with the crockery? Ricky's got some crockery. Ricky! He just crockery. Ricky!

He just acknowledged it. He can't hear, I don't think he can hear me. Too long playing in a band, didn't it? Your ears go. I know. He's wandering around with a plastic bag full of something. I hope it's equipment to do the house. So what's he painting today? So, oh, he's got a hell of a job.

We haven't had this done for absolutely decades. It's the back doors and also the back windows, which took a hell of a beating from the beast from the East. He's on board. He's not looking very focused guys. He's from the East for years. I know. 2018, 2017, wasn't it? I know. Obviously I'm loving being with you guys, concentrating heavily. That's what we're looking for.

One eye is always on Ricky. Ricky! You've got to make sure he's turning it down before he paints. You don't want to rush in the job. Is it just a touch up or is it a new color? Oh no, it's down to the deep grain of the wood. Wow.

Yeah, it's pretty rotten. What colour are you going? Well, my husband wanted to go, oh, I don't know about this. Tell me what you think of this. He's seen a lot of houses in the area which have a sort of porridge colour, sort of off white, almost grey going on. And I just said, absolutely not on Yonelle. I want the bright white.

But do you know what I mean? What kind of house? Have you got like a farm cottagey house? Or is it a bit more modern? Or what kind of house are we dealing with? Okay, so we're in the burbs of London. We're out west, west, west. Thankfully on the Elizabeth line. Where you're from? You're from Leatherhead, aren't you? I've always remembered that about you because it strikes me as such a weird name. Whenever I hear the word Leatherhead, I think of you for some reason.

Oh, Josh, I love that. Are you on the M25 a lot because it's Junction 11? Mm, Cobham Services. Oh, Cobham, so good. What you see in a city though, the in and out of it, the traffic is a nightmare. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The 25 is always a bit of a nightmare. You're right to move. What's your nearest now, Beaconsfield? No, do you know what? We moved, this is the absolute truth, we moved to nearby a Elizabeth line station.

You know what you're doing all over it. But my girls were three and five at the time and I said to them, look gang, you're going to be on this beautiful new piece of East West infrastructure in two years. So you'll be seven and five. And you'll be riding this line. It's going to be amazing for all of us. This is going to open up our lives. It's going to be named after the queen who's currently 70. Exactly.

Hang on, Ricky approaches. Ricky, everything all right? Good man. Are you okay? All right, my love. Yeah, get your hard hat. He doesn't need a hard hat. Does he need a hard hat? No hard hat? Come on, Ricky. Man, you don't need a hard hat. What's he doing? There's always a bass guitar there if you need to have a little jam. Alright.

That's good. Things are going well. Anyway, back to the Lizzie line. So yeah, yeah. Said to the girls, look, this is a game changer for all of us, frankly. Cut to they were 22 and 20. That's mad. I didn't know that had happened. I didn't know it had taken like way long. Oh, that estate agent really sold Merle a dream.

No, he sold us a pup. Prince Harry and William will be opening this together hand in hand like the Gallagher's. Oh, that estate agent really sold Merle a dream. I know, he sold us a pup. Prince Harry and William will be opening this together hand in hand like the Gallagher's. No, I was so, I've been so excited. There's the husband just checking, everything's all right in here. He's ignoring me as well. Now he's palling up with Ricky. What does the husband... Don't give him more tea!

For Christ's sake, he'll never get started. I can see it is offering tea. Okay. He's just had a cup! What does your husband do, Mel? Does he work? So, yeah, he works. You can't actually see.

This is a shed full of waders and river polluting testing kits. He's a river. He's working in the river, basically. He's a river. He's a river. What is he? He's sort of the river basically. He's a river. He's a river. What is he? He's sort of the guardian of the river Brent, I suppose. So is he a troll? Does he ask you three riddles?

The three riddles. If my sister-in-law is my sister-in-law, that's the layman. How much do we charge her a week? Guys, I need to get out of this house. Please help me. I'm usually really together when I'm out of the house. Oh, I love this. You're like a broken jigsaw in a box here and we're shaking it. I'm loving it. Oh, God. Why just survive back to school when you can thrive by creating a space that does it all

for you, no matter the size. Whether you're taking over your parents' basement or moving to campus, IKEA has hundreds of design ideas and affordable options to complement any budget. After all, you're in your small space era. It's time to own it. Shop now at ikea.ca. No Frills delivers. Get groceries delivered to your door from No Frills with PC Express. Shop online and get $15 in PC Optimum Points on your first five orders. Shop now at nofrills.ca. So, are your kids musical, Mel? Is that why you're in front of a drum kit? Yeah, exactly. So, the younger one is on drums. Can you see, hang on, see where I'm pointing? Yeah that grey box. That's Stonehenge. Yes! Is that from Spinal Tap? Good lad. Now this

was the scene in here and in the garden of my 50th birthday party. You're not 50 now. Thank you, thank you. Very very recently. That's when you moved into the house, wasn't it? Waiting for the Elizabeth line. Exactly. Oh, God. Anyway, unbeknownst to me, the kids and my sort of core posse of best mates had been rehearsing for about, I think it was about five weeks or something. I knew nothing about it. And they did, as a surprise, the full rendition of Stonehenge. It was unreal. And that is the actual size. It is the inches. Is it 15? Is it 18? I should know that. Anyway, that was made by my brother-in-law, who crafted it over many, many weeks. He was up next door in the neighbor's garden on a ladder and he had a full druid's cloak on and he lowered it with a fishing rod.

So it was fully lowered at the right point. And then the girls and a cousin did the dance around it. It was actually, I think, the best moment of my life. and cousin did the dance around it. Oh wow. It was actually I think the best moment of my life. Oh, what a lovely memory. And would your girls have been sort of the ringleaders of that? Or they've been dragged along by your friends? Because when they get to sort of their age right now,

they want to do stuff for you, I imagine, and special stuff. Yeah, no, it does. It sort of gets better. I mean, they were bang up for it because they were only, I think they were sort of 15 or something at the time. They were drilled by my sister who is really good at that sort of thing. So they had the full little green socks and the little pointy shoes. It was so good. For people that don't know, Spinal Tap though, it's a mockumentary comedy film where, like, was it, they want the life-size Stonehenge to be dropped in on stage, but then they get

the dimensions wrong and they do it in inches rather than meters or whatever. And a tiny stonehenge comes down as they sing Stonehenge. Huge moment of the film. It's so funny. It's so good. I went to C-Tap live at Wembley. This is good, a few years back. They were absolutely brilliant because, you know, they're actually- What does that mean? Is it just a music show or is it like- Yeah. I mean, they love, they love, those guys actually love playing the songs. I mean, they're brilliant songs, I think. But they did a really good gag. So they played Stonehenge.

And rather than doing the very, very small gag of the Stonehenge being lowered down, they opened the back doors of Wembley Arena. And there was an enormous Stonehenge that they couldn't get through the doors. Oh that's so funny. It was so good and it became part of the whole, you know, the whole concept. What distance to go for a joke, do you know what I mean? Like what kind of thing to go, let's build something that's so big it can't get in the doors and that's gonna be it. Oh it was so good so you could see them through the back trying to get this thing in.

And then I think they eventually did, they put it, they had to get it on its side and there were sort of five technicians coming in to help. Oh wow. I mean, oh my God, you're so right about that, just doing anything, anything for the gag. It was so good, it was so good. And when you say your close mates, was Sue Perkins in this band?

Right. Perkins. And my next question off that is, it's quite a weird question. I've never really asked this before of a person we've interviewed. But how involved is Sue Perkins in the upbringing of your children? Oh my God. So she is the official godmother of my eldest and she's sort of the unofficial godmother of my youngest as well. They absolutely adore her. So what's the official unofficial difference? Official in that we had a christening and it was full you know Catholic church. Renounce God. Renounce God. No no no, renounce the devil. Renounce the devil Josh!

Renounce the devil! You know the full dippage all that, all that stuff. So that was young Perk. She was there, part of that, which was lovely. And then unofficial just means basically my youngest. I mean, she just absolutely adores her. Have you not renounced the devil with your youngest? We did, but Sue Perkins was not the godmother, not because she was the great- Oh, I see. It was the lodger at the time. It was... It was Ricky. It was Ricky. I'm happy to... Hard hat on.

Can't take any chances with a font. Cup of tea before he starts. So good. He's currently, he looks like he is mixing some paint. That's good. Good lad. Good lad. He's hunched over. Good day for a bit of painting. Gonna stay dry. Nice and warm. Heat wave.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. It's very hot out there actually. Hope he's got his sun cream on. Yeah, the doors will go white, all turn red. No, he looks okay. That's good. That's one worry less for today. That's good. And so when your kids are back in this, for these few days, how much are you doing stuff with them? How much is it just like they're just using the house as a base? Because if it was me in that situation, is it difficult not to be too enthused when they're back? And trying to get them to do stuff? No, it's all good actually. When they left home to go to university, I stopped cooking.

I just thought, oh, thank the Lord that that is over. I'd completely stopped cooking. I just thought, oh, thank the Lord that that is over. I'd completely stopped cooking. So my youngest, God bless her, has already taken an inventory of the fridge, which is shite, there's nothing in it. And she said, right, mom, I'm going to the supermarket. She's quite bossy. So she's doing that today, which is great.

Oh my God, that is unreal. Isn't that lovely? And does she like to cook? Is she a good cook? No, she absolutely hates it and she's terrible. So, no, that's me. No, she's not terrible at all. She does certain things really, really well.

She makes excellent brownies. So I'm sure that will be featuring quite heavily in the menus. Yeah, but you're not a sort of cooking family where everyone would cook together and make big meals and stuff like that. Yeah, I mean, my husband's actually the cook of the family. He's blooming good.

He just kind of looks around and says, okay, there's a little bit of za'atar, whatever. There's some fennel, there's some blooming vodka, there's- Just what he's found in the River Brent. Oh, you wouldn't believe the stuff he finds in the River Brent guys. You would not believe. Most of it is in our house. Oh what's the best thing he's found? Rather amazing actually there's a lot of votive offerings, kind of religious offerings from people who you know give stuff to the river. Really? Yeah, quite a lot of underwear. Just really dodge old underwear.

Do you feel they're giving it to the river? Well, you've got a pair of my pants. Oh my God, Josh. Why have you got Josh's pants? Yeah, Josh, from Would I Lie to You. I had a pair of boxer shorts as my item. Yes. They were like, I'd had them for 12 years.

I always put them. Yeah, yeah, it was like they were really old. And you went home with them, Mel. Yes, I did. Do you know you went home with them, Mel. Yes, I did. Do you know what I did with them, Josh? No, that's what I was going to ask. I put them in the wormary. It's just over there. The wormary is just over there. Don't ask me how it works. My husband set it up. This whole place is full of sort of contraptions

like that. So it's a big black plastic kind of bin essentially, full of worms, put stuff in and then you turn the tap and you get fertilizer out the other end. It is rather ingenious. I put the boxes in there. We also put the boxes in there. Absolutely. Worms will eat anything. And then we put a pair of his cords in thinking hilarity. they're never going to get through those. We looked a couple of months later, just a zip. Wow. And you get the worms on like- A body in there? I mean, you could, you could. That would be a lovely twee murder Richard Osmunker write about, wouldn't it? Oh, that's good. Killed in a wormery.

In a wormery. It's so middle class, isn't it? But I tell you what, the ruddy fertilizer is awesome. It's done wonders for the garden. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's amazing. It's like a sort of tarry, you know, thick, tar-colored liquid. And it's all obviously totally natural. And does it go to the color of the clothes? Or does the color disappear once they've... Yeah, the color disappears. I mean, that would be nice. No, it's a ruddy good thing. Got the water but over there, which is collecting all the non-existent rainwater. So we can water the garden with that. What's Ricky doing now? Are you living a country life, Mal? Well, we're very much in the burbs. I mean, we're

sheer burbs. I was born in the burbs and I've ended up in the burbs. Did you come into London at all? When I was a kid? No, no, no. I mean, did you live in London before moving to the Berth? Like was there a woman in the middle of it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I lived on the Harrow Road for many years, which was epic. Really loved the Harrow Road. It's sort of at the very end of Labyrinth Grove, top, top, top end. West London. Yeah, West London. That's fun when you're young though, isn't it? Like, you know, going out and about. But see the daughter hit Ireland. Do you miss her though, isn't it? Like, you know, and you're going out and about. Oh, it's so quick. But see the daughter hit Ireland.

Do you miss her? Where did they go to uni, the kids? So the eldest went to Queen's in Belfast. She's a musician, so she's ended... That's a hard, empty nest, that is. I know. I mean, I fly away. You know what I mean?

If they're just going to a London uni or something, or Midlands uni, and it's a couple of hours in a car, was that difficult? Well, do you know, it is. It's having the Irish sea between us. It's really, really weird. And I sort of feel that she wanted to get quite far away from us, which is totally fine. Totally, totally understandable. And then the younger one, so sweet, she goes, well, you know, floss has, you know, obviously gone far, far away for uni. And I think it's only right that I do the same. My heart slightly, slightly shattered. I was thinking, Oh, what are you thinking? Holland or, you know, Blooming? What are you thinking? And she said, Birmingham.

So sweet. She had no idea where Birmingham was. I think she thought it was sort of north of Glasgow or something. So anyway, that was a bit easier. Did you visit a lot? Well, I've got to say I went to Belfast a lot because it is just such a great city. Do you know it guys? Yeah, it's wonderful. My God. You know, you couldn't keep me away from the place. It was so, so great. We absolutely loved it. And Birmingham? Birmingham, similarly. Never really knew it. Never really knew it properly. Never knew it properly.

I'd done the old gig with Perks there back in the day, but it was always just like drop in for the night and then you go home, you know. But to get to know it was a joy. It's a really, really cool place. Because actually city centre Birmingham's like a bit nothing-y because it's just a city centre. But if you get to all the different towns and little villages around the edge it's lovely.

Yeah, I tell you what a canal walk along the old canals of Birmingham is. More miles of canal than Venice. Has it? It has. Has it? Did you just know that Josh? Did you just look that up? It hasn't really got the sun or the pizza has it?

That's the water's pasta, that's the problem isn't it? I went on a canal boat holiday that when I was a child now. So that's why I know. Oh, did you? Did you go to one Bournville, you know, home of the chalk? I don't think we did. Yeah, I've never done that. Apparently, it's really good. Is it in Cadbury's world as well? I think it is Cadbury's. Is that the same place? That's the same place. Yeah, yeah.

Is Cadbury's own Bournville? I don't probably. Bournville is the place. I don't even know if Bourneville chocolate still exists. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. It's my favourite dark choc. It's my favourite go-to. Is it?

And listen. 2025 now. Yeah, I know. And actually, I seem to remember it was either Paul Hollywood or Mary Berry on Bake Off who absolutely said always use Bourneville choc. Did they? Yeah. Wow, okay.

So not so much going into the whole sort of 80% blooming greens and blacks all that nonsense. Just go for Bourneville. It's a beautiful chalk. I love Bourneville. Well, it's owned by Cadbury. Oh, is it? Okay. So if you go into Cadbury world, I imagine there's some Bourneville knocking about. Yeah. I wouldn't want to muck around with the very, very milky stuff. It's too sweet. Really? Yeah. Too milky for you. Yeah. No, not good. Are you milky guys or are you...? I'm the very, very milky stuff. It's too sweet. Really? Too milky for you?

Yeah, no, not good. Are you milky guys, or are you? I'm a bit of a milky boy, yeah. I don't mind either. Really? I eat dark chocolate to kind of make feel better about myself. You don't like it, though, do you, Josh?

I don't enjoy it. You love a milky way, wouldn't you? But you just don't want the looks. If I could sit and have a fucking crunchy in the evening, I would. But I can't look myself in the mirror if I do. Exactly, Josh, you've got to just put those shoulders down and join the Milky Boy Club. Do you know when I was a kid, when I was blonde, I was like a little blonde kid, I used to fucking hate the Milky Bar kid. Did you? Because I thought that should be me. I was so jealous of the Milky Bar kid.

I know, maybe you know if we interview a psychologist, we should dig into how much my whole life is a revenge on the Milky Bar Kid. The Milky Bar Kid was a lot for me as well growing up. The house was fat and overweight and then I'd go, oh, the Milky Bars are in me. And to get a laugh. Oh Rob, and that's where your defense system started. Oh no, I've just thrown myself under the Milky Bar kids' horse there with my little... Do you know what though? I wonder Josh, I wonder what has become of him now and if life ended up the way he wanted it to, it may have done. Do you know what I mean? Peak too soon, peak too soon. There must have been a few of them. There'll be loads of them.

Do you think? There is loads because the first one came out like in black and white wasn't it? Oh was it? And with the little glasses, with the little glasses. There's loads because the first one came out like in black and white wasn't it? Oh was it? And with the little glasses, with the little glasses. 1961 and there's been 10 of them. Would I watch a documentary on all 10 Milky Bar kids? Yes I fucking would. Absolutely. Same same. Do you guys remember Caramac? Were you around for Caramac? Yeah yeah yeah. I imagine if you're a Bournville fan that's right, I'm your ally isn't it Mel?

I don't know about Caramac, actually. Is it chocolate? Yeah, I don't know, probably not. It's a bit, it's a bit claggy, isn't it, the Caramac? Yeah. I'm in a deep dive on Milky Bar Kids, sorry. Right, Rob, you did have a parenting question before I chipped in with saying

I was jealous of the Milky Bar Kids. There's a couple of them that have got, that are balding with brown hair and I felt quite good about that. Aw. You know what I mean? The whole thing was long blonde hair. Are they all alive, Rob? Probably not. It really frightens good about that. Aw. You know what I mean? The whole thing was long blonde hair. Are they all alive, Rob?

Probably not. It really frightens me when that- The first one was 1961. Those horses won't be. Aw. Those horses will be gone. Aw. What are the horses?

They used to have a horse because he was a cowboy, didn't they? Oh my God! I'd completely- That's why Rob said I fell under his horse and I laughed. He was a cowboy, wasn't he? Not knowing why. That's the thing with Rob Beckett, the rhythm's enough to carry you a lot of the time.

Exactly, I really like that. I could say anything, you know, just on the news, Apple News now, what's that? Over half of Greg Wallace's Not remotely. No. No. Absolutely not remotely. Are they aware of it? There's a lot of stuff, to be honest, I just do without telling anyone. Would they be aware of light lunch?

I used to love your show, the lunch show with Irmsoot. You'd have been a kid. You'd have been a kid. But I remember it just being so funny. And there was nothing funny on in the day. It was so serious. It was like, oh my God, life can be fun. It doesn't have to be like in a suit and the news

and this is daytime. It was great. I'm so happy to hear this, gang, honestly. I really, we had a right royal laugh doing that show, I tell you. It was two years. How did you end up doing like a daytime TV show? Cause you're two comedians.

Here's the thing, sorry, Settlin' Gang, it's a like a daytime TV show? Because you're two comedians. Here's the thing. Sorry, Settling Gang, it's a really dull, flipping showbiz anecdote. I'm anchored in. I've got 71% born for this. I'm ready to go. Just why not do another task while I embark on this story? If you've got anything, any admin you need to do,

just settle down because- We'll record an advert. Yeah. This is the headphones in the dishwasher part of the pod. No, literally get involved with something else because I'm about to go back in time and tell you how we came to do Light Lunch. I'm up for this. So good.

So we're back in the naughty 90s. Woof, weren't they naughty? They were a very, very naughty decade. So we're sort of 97. Perks and I have been doing Edinburgh Festival for a good few years. We have no money. I mean, like, no, nothing. Were you being naughty in the 90s then or were you sort of like the sensible children on the edge? This is another thing from Would I Lie to You. She snogged the runner on Lye Lunch and that runner

was Dermot O'Leary. Hang on. Oh, man. Here we are. Wow. Come on. I'm in full now. Come on.

Now, can I just say he was the audience coordinator. Oh, okay. I don't think it's great to say you snogged the runner in the 90s. He was the audience coordinator. Sorry. And I think people literally came to see the show because obviously we had a live audience in the show. I think people came for him, not for us. He still is very fit.

He's a sexy guy. Oh, he was great. And he was so good with the audience. We got returners, you know, they keep coming back because of Derm. You know, they absolutely loved him and he was brilliant. He had 20 minutes with them usually. And he was hilarious. He had 20 minutes with you, eh? Josh! Sorry, sorry. No, listen, it was the 90s. There was a lot going down. I would say the most...

Heavy lunch. Heavy lunch. Light lunch, heavy petty. The most memorable of all of the lunches, this was absolutely marvelous. We had three puppeteers with their puppets for lunch. So it was like having six guests around the table. We had Keith, Keith, Keith Harris and Orville, Keith Orville, Keith Orville and Harris, who got a bit naughty with Sue. Orville did. No, that's a shame. Yes. Nicking at the body.

Yes. Harris via Orville. He got a bit naughty 90s. Of course, because you forget it's a hand in there, don't you? It's a strange grey area, isn't it? It's not a grey area, it's a hand in a beak. Get off my tit. No, no, but what I mean is they'd get away with it by claiming it was a grey area. Josh currently hides some hand puppets in his drawer. Then we had Roger de Corsi with Nooky Bear, who they used to work a bit

of blue material, they were sort of a little bit late night. And then we had Corbett plus Sooty, Matthew Corbett. Right. There's no area with Sooty. Sooty doesn't speak. No, of course. I had a very strong sensation. I think it's okay to say this. I'm not going to get cancelled or anything. But I had a strong sensation that Roger de Corsi didn't like Matthew Corbett very much,

because he felt that Corbett's puppeteering was not the full deck. Oh, because he wasn't doing the ventriloquism. Sootie was just squeaking. So there was real animosity around the tape. He doesn't even squeak, he just whispers, Sootie. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think he squeaked, didn't he? No, Sweep squeaks. Sootie whispers and Sue speaks. Thank you Josh. Oh wow is that the rhyme? No I just. Oh did you just forget that? Thank you. So anyway, D'Coursey and Corbett, I mean there is a frosty bloody atmosphere around the table. Harris is in the middle of it. This is my kind of anecdote. This is great,

can't wait to go on a YouTube deep dive on this. Trying to get, you know, all over Perks's grill. And he's really going for Perk, mainly Perk, just because that was nearest or... No, she was the honey trap, mate. I was just the fly kind of buzzing around the edge rather desperately. They blooming loved Perk's. All of them. All of them.

Right. Was she a bit of a honey pin up then back in the day? Yeah. Toats. That was her thing. Okay. Toats. Anyway, sorry, the voice is going very high. But back to how it all started. Let's buckle up. Sorry, of course. Let's buckle up. So we're in the mid-90s, the naughty 90s.

We haven't got a bean. I've borrowed like a grand off my brother. God bless him. Perks has borrowed off her dad. We've borrowed off our agent. Oh, that's a dangerous game to get in, isn't it? Can you believe it? We had to, we absolutely had to.

We'd done a few Edinburgh's and I remember going into Perks's bedroom and sitting on the bed and just bursting into tears. I'm sorry, I'm laughing. Right, there's Denise. She's borrowed a tent. What are you borrowing the tent for? Oh, good Lord. What's she borrowing the tent for? Oh, good Lord.

What's she borrowing a tent for? She's pulling it out in the garden and she's trying to work out how to do it. How old's Denise? She's 23. I think she's volunteering at some festival or other. Right. Are the pegs there, love?

She won't have enough pegs. Classic. She'll get there, there won't have enough pegs, classic. She'll get there, there won't be enough pegs. Also that ground's too hard, you're not gonna get it in a garden. Oh man. Not a ground of the garden. She's there putting it together, that's okay.

That's quite sweet on a Monday morning, isn't it? I know, it's lovely, isn't it? It's very cute. Oh, that's bent, that's bent. It's bent! No. No, they've got a bent pole. Anyway. Anyway, back to the naughty night.

So we've got no money. I'm sitting on the end of Perks's bed, basically in floods of tears. In Edinburgh? No, this is in North London. And it was quite, we're sort of laughing, crying, you know, that thing, hysterical laughing slash crying. We just think we've got to give up. We can't do this. And I said, mate, we've got to go and get jobs. We can't get jobs. I can't do this anymore. So all that's going on. How old are you at this point now? Oh, God, sort of 27. You've gone quite a long way. 28, 27, 28. Yeah, absolutely. Anyway, below us down, the agent gets in touch very soon after that occasion. And she says, look,

there's an audition. It's for a new daytime show on Channel 4. And I've said, yes, you're going to go for it. And we were like, excuse us. We are bloody edgy stand up comics. You know, we're kind of vanguard, kind of post-feminist. Your Shasha Pell and Jim Jefferies, you two rolled up in one. Were you hanging around with people that were like... Nobody. Nobody. Josh, you know us really well.

We were bumbling about like flipping idiots. I mean, yeah, we got on with everybody. We weren't in some sort of... You weren't in a cool guy, cool clique. No, no, not remotely. So she basically said she was really bossy and also we owed her money. So she said, you are going to this audition. So she basically frog marched us into the audition and they were auditioning, blooming every ruddy double act under the sun. I mean, the randos, real randos. We just thought we were a little bit rock and roll actually.

We just thought well Jeff this we're not gonna do the gig anyway so let's just really tit about. That freedom's what got it for you. Well listen gang thanks for listening because there was no ruddy punchline to that anecdote. Nobody's interesting because like. It's not Josh bless you. It is interesting. Because Jack Dee had a very similar thing, right? Oh, did he? Where he decided to quit comedy and he had to fulfill his gigs. Oh, gosh. And because he was so pissed off at fulfilling his gigs, he did them in a really monotone,

downbeat way and suddenly it started working. Because he genuinely didn't want to be there. When you don't want to do it, there's a freedom to it. A bit like you on this podcast, Mal. Listen. You don't want to be here. When you don't want to do it, there's a freedom to it. A bit like you on this podcast, Mel. Listen. You don't want to be here. You've been brilliant. I know.

You've got freedom. You're playing with a ball at your feet, with your head up in the air, looking for the parcel, looking for the goal. You don't care. Me and Rob don't want to be here. We're having a wonderful time. None of us have to be here.

If we had to be here, it'd be shit. Mel, what we do need to do is talk about the present day. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because you have taken over from Kathy Berg. Oh, she hasn't died. Don't worry people, the way you reacted there. If she had it would be apt for the podcast. Yeah. Isn't she remarkable guys? Yeah, so this National Treasure Legend, you've stole her job. I know. I was so chuffed because, well actually she's writing her autobiography which is going to be out. Oh wow. Yeah, exactly.

You're not here to promote that now. Oh, sorry. Sorry, sorry. But it's going to be an amazing read. When is it out though? Because I would like to read that. Yeah, I guess it'll be out next year. So she's got Head Down, she's doing that and she'd done Weather's Will Is Awake, the podcast

that she did so brilliant. It's a great podcast. It's a great podcast. We've both been on it. It's really good. Now one of you wanted to die in a five-a-side football game. Is that right? Yeah, that's me. Was that you, Rob?

Yeah, that would be me. Rob! Oh, God! In a sort of heroic way. Yeah, no, scoring a goal, going to the corner and screaming, fuck you, and then have a heart attack. Part of it was you have to choose where you died. And I thought if I died there rather than at home, then the sort of the random group of 10 that we'd got to play that week would sort out the ambulance and the body rather than my family. Tim Key sorting out the body? I sometimes play with the school desk.

I think it'd be quite funny though to have Tim Key and Daniel Kitson carry me out to an ambulance. Can you imagine? And Josh, you wanted to go in sort of strange circumstance, sort of Richard Osman-y circumstances, sort of slightly. Is that what I said? Yeah, I would like to die in a mystery. I would like, you know, I'd like to die with people thinking that I'd maybe not died, how

it's been reported. All that suspicious way. Suspicious circumstances. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. No, basically, Burke's done a runner and very lovelily, she passed the baton on to me. And I- Yeah, you definitely didn't take the job.

She stood down. And did you get the call from her? She'd given it her blessing, which was really lovely. No, I didn't get the call from her, but- I didn't get the call. I was informed by three people away from her that she gave me the best. But she's so sweet.

She sent a really lovely text just saying, you know, you're going to love it and it's going to be great. She's such a lovely woman. We've reached the point in podcasts where we've reached the point, not in this podcast, but in the world of podcasts where now they're being passed on to the next presenters. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. now they're being passed on to the next presenters. Do you know what I mean? Like, I think that might be the first podcast to kind of properly be handed over.

Re-launched like Top Gear. Yeah, to be relaunched like Top Gear. Who's going to do it when you want to pass the baton, guys? Oh, they won't even be born now by now. Really? How long do you want to do this for? We need people that have just had kids, so it's whoever's sort of your aisle at the time. We are going to squeeze this lemon dry mouth. Don't worry about that. Kathy Burke's made

a bloody Rob Verhoeven batch. She could knock one out in the morning and write a thousand words in the afternoon. Lazy. That's what I think. We do two a week and knock out a book together. Come on, Burke. There is so much more juice to the lemon though, guys, isn't there? Exactly. That's the thing with parenting we picked a good subject. It's amazing. It's an absolute content farm just being produced every morning at home.

Yeah well it's like death you know it's the similar to Cathy and my podcast you know death is all around us. Inevitable. It's inevitable it's something that we all have in common you know so it is it's a very good format. And do your children listen to it? No. Of course they don't.

I don't even think they know that I'm doing it, guys. Honestly. Do you talk to them about death? Like to tie the two topics together? Yeah. Great segue here. Great segue. Would we have asked this question if you weren't plugging your podcast?

Probably not. But, you know, in the current situation, great question. Crack on. Why not combine them? Yeah, no, no, I'm on your side, Josh. I think it's really, really important to hang on a second. Ricky is getting involved with putting up the tent. That's not what we're talking about. That's not what you're talking about.

You're off the clock, Mel. You don't want to be paying hourly. I know. Telling about the time he used to play music festivals. Mel, can I ask you, paying him by the hour or by the job? I don't even know. I don't even, I mean, paying by the job is the way to go, isn't it? Surely.

Yeah, well it is if he's putting up a tent and having a cup of tea. Oh God, he and the old man are chatting. That's not good. That's going to go on for 20 minutes. Ben's telling him an anecdote, probably something river-esque. Why is he not down the river now? Well, exactly. He was this morning, to be fair. He'll be back in it again. Ben's telling him an anecdote, probably something river-esque. Why is he not down the river now? Well, exactly. He was this morning, to be fair. He'll be back in it again.

He'll be waiting. The niece seems to have disappeared into the one-person tent. So are they working over the summer, the kids? Are they just in between uni's and stuff? So, youngest, she did it last year, she's working up at the Edinburgh Festival, which is lovely. Does that bring back good or bad memories for you now? Oh, it's so great. So what happens is she gets herself set up. One of her best mates is at uni there so she can stay in her flat, which is brilliant. So she'll get herself set up there. She works long hours, as you can imagine, for these...

What does she do there? Flyer or sales tickets? So she's in the assembly venue and last year she was on audience management, which she loved. Absolutely bloody loved. Is that taking tickets and stuff? Getting audiences in, getting them out. Taken after her could have been, dad. Oh, there we go. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Look, a strange-looking universe, isn't it? Oh, my God. That's so weird. Should be wading a river in the afternoon to make it fair. She'll be coordinating. She'll be ushering coordinating. And I'm going to go for, I did a 48 hour full on drive by last year and I'm going to do the same this year.

And it was so fun. Did you talk to your daughter and go, that's where I did this, that's where I did that and was she interested? That's why I didn't sell any tickets. That's why I burst into tears. I lost thousands of pounds just over there. Yes, that's where we performed regularly to one person. Yeah, I got into debt to an agent over there

before I did London Times. She found some really, really good shows actually. And often she couldn't come with me because she was working, but, oh, there was some hilarious wrestling show. Did you check that out? I wasn't there last year. I've not been there for years. You're not going to drive by this year? No, it's miles away and it's during summer holidays, Mal.

I'm still too close to it. For you, there's an assounger, but for me, it still brings back bad memories. But I'm sure when I'm older, I'll go back. But do you know what? I've got the urge to possibly. Oh no. She's doing a solo show. She's doing a solo show. I've got the urge going. My daughter's taking the tickets, she's on stage. Are you gonna do it?

You in perculator or are you on your own? Well, listen, she's going on tour I think next year with the show that she took to Edinburgh last year. So I sort of figure, you know, I've got to, she's raised the bar. She's not gonna give you half now if she's doing it in a row. That's the thing, isn't it? You're going to have to do your own thing. Get your own 100%.

Children's... Hang on, I'm getting to keep all this money. As well as the podcast, is this the announcement that you are going back on stage? I don't know. I feel now the kids are older. I'm doing a musical in the autumn, which will be great, down at the Bristol Vic. It's going to be absolutely marvelous. Homegrown, comedy, British musical. So good. So fun. Are you singing? I'm doing a little bit of singing. I've got a lesson this afternoon actually, and I haven't yet learnt the song, which is worrying because she gave me like two weeks

to learn it. Still haven't done it. Oh, God. Anyway, we'll sort that out after lunch. That'll be okay. So I've got a real little yen to possibly try and scrabble together a 55-minuter. So I've got this theory, right? Okay, when you have kids, basically, it's exhausting, you know, and you're spattin' down the hatches. And then obviously it slowly gets easier as they get older. You get bigger problems emotionally, but the actual physical grind of a baby in a toddler, it subsides. There's this sort of like 50 year old plus, depending on when you had kids, second wind.

Oh man. That manifests. Embrace. And it sort of can be turned, the classic midlife crisis for a man that gets a sports car. But I think it's just you've got more time and energy to go, what is it I wanna do? Yeah, it's amazing.

And for you, if it is a solo show now. Do you know what you should do, Mel? Do you know what you should do? There's a comedy club, which now everyone does, called Always Be Comedy, where you can go and do 10 Minutes. It's really friendly. It's in Kennington. Yeah, it is the perfect place.

It's the perfect place to try 10 Minutes material. Go there. You know James Gill, the... Yes, I love James. He runs it. Yeah, he runs it. Go and put yourself down for 10 minutes material. Go there. You know James Gill. Yes, I love James. He runs it. Yeah, he runs it. Go and put yourself down for 10 minutes. They won't announce you and then see whether you fancy it. On July 18th, get excited. This is big. For the summer's biggest adventure. I think I just smurfed my pants. That's a little too excited. Sorry! Smurfs.

Only in theaters July 18th. business account manager, you can get the proactive business banking advice and support your business needs. Ready to press play? Get up to $2,700 when you open select small business banking products. Yep, that's $2,700 to turn up your business. Visit td.com slash small business match to learn more. Conditions apply. The thing is, gang, I mean, I'm in awe of you lot who can just tell really, really good gags. I'm going to have to go about it in a different way because... So can I tell how I do it, right? And you may think I'm shitted and stand up or whatever, and I think you're similar to

me in the way you present and the way you do stuff, but it's scary and it feels mental. But if you just trust the process and don't get in your head about it, just have bullet points of funny stories you wanna tell or funny things you think are funny and go on and say whatever it may be. Say you had a funny story about Ricky painting the, whatever, and there was a funny interaction, a funny line, whatever.

Just go on and tell that story to them and tell them that you're gonna tell them these stories and go through the bullet points and just tell it. And then you will naturally find the laughs as you connect with the audience and get that energy. Don't incident sweat like I have to. But you know you meet someone, it's like you're doing with us now, you've sat down and you've been hilarious and engaging and really interesting for the whole time. Thanks team, I think I've been a bit well, you know about that anyway. No, 100% but you are naturally doing it, you've not planned what you're gonna say have you?

No, not remotely. Sorry I'll just tick that off. But go on and do 10 minutes. I'll blow smoke up my ass to tick off. No, no, no, but just talk to them. And you'll naturally find moments that they get a laugh. Okay. And then you just repeat that process. But just look at it as you're gonna go out

and chat to them to see if there's anything that can be funny. Okay, we'll give it a go. I sort of think costumes maybe. No, too much. Maybe, yeah, costumes as well. Too much. Or just do costumes and puns. Costumes and puns, do you know what I'm saying? That's a lot of hard work, costumes and pun No, too much. Maybe yeah, costumes as well. Or just do costumes

and puns. Costumes and puns, do you know what I'm saying? That's a lot of hard work, costumes and puns. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, thanks. No, that's really lovely guys. And you're absolutely right. James Gill, he's absolutely gorgeous and he does all the warm-up. I wouldn't go that far. Don't look at it. I've got to write an hour comedy show and I'm a stand-up comedian. Everyone's going gonna come, I've got tickets on sound, I've got to do it, just go into a room and be funny for 10 minutes, which you can do. Don't tell your children you're gonna do it. No, absolutely bloody no way, Jose, absolutely no way.

Are they academic or into more theatery stuff and performing? So the older one is, she's a musician, she plays, just pointing, the bass guitar and cello. So that's her thing. She's great, really good. Did she do music at uni? She read anthropology and she is,

she's in a few bands over there. So she loves that. And I think that's probably going to be the way that she goes. And the younger one, well, she read drama at uni. She's not going to listen to this, so I can say this. But if she wanted to, she could do the old comedy, definitely. Right. I don't I hate the idea. Just because you can doesn't mean you should.

Don't pigeonhole yourself. There's loads of things you can do. And being that sort of slightly deluded parent who just thinks their children are just brilliant. Do you know what I mean? And oh, God, she's the funniest. I don't, I really don't wanna A, pressurize her in any way. Actually the best thing is to totally keep away, to be honest. If she wants to do it, she'll find it

and she'll do it in her own way. And she is proper, like she's back foot, very dry. You know, I'm real naughty 90s kind of way. Hey, all right kids. Hey, come on gang. You know, all that stuff. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly.

Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly.

Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly want to do that.

Can I ask your advice on this? We had some friends around in the garden the other day having a barbecue and then my daughter said, can I play the song I learned at school to people in the garden? So now I don't want to be like, everyone sit down and listen to my daughter play. But then I don't want to say to her, no, don't do that. I just went, you know, I just went, yeah, okay, if you want to like that. And she went, oh, can you, can you tell them I'm doing it? And I was like, okay. And then everyone was all spread out. So I basically just found those six people around the garden table.

And I said, I would like to play a song. Would you like to hear it? And I was like, oh yeah, that'd be great. And then she just sat down and just strummed a few bits. That's a song. And I went, we were like, well done. And then she sort of wandered off. But yeah, but I was like, you don't want to be the person that goes, everyone

sit down and it's like a PA system. Would you go and do a concert and you try to enjoy afternoon, but then you don't want to be like, no, don't do that. Hide away your, you know, performing. It's a difficult balance. It is. It's really difficult, isn't it? Because we all know that, uh, historically children of sort of people who perform have often you know

found it quite sort of tricky haven't they in many ways through life you know what I'm saying yeah and I really I just I don't want any of that for the kids but as you say if they've got it in them they've got a bloody do it haven't they you know if you are a performer and you you are and you are a show off deep down, essentially is what we are, whether we want to agree to that or not, it must be genetic as well as learned. There's no deep down. There's no deep down.

Massively, honestly. There's no deep in with any of us. Yeah, it's really about us on the surface. No, do you know what's gonna happen? Cut to my daughter. Actually, she's there, I've got to be, no, she can't hear me. My daughter, sort of three years time doing an Edinburgh show and me scraping in on it.

That's what's going to happen. And then you could double act it out with her. Me scraping in. But Perko's gone. Perko's gone. She's gone solo, she's gone electric. But nobody being remotely interested in me at all, but me in the background going, hey, honk, honk.

You could warm up, you could do the audience, you could bring the audience in now. Full circle, full circle. I'll coordinate. You could be the audience coordinator on this morning for Dermot. I'm bloody good actually at organizing people with the Walkie Talkie, I really am.

I get very into that. Right, we've got it. She'll do the Edinburgh show. I'll do a bit of ushering, a bit of ushing, bit of sort of, you know, chatting to the, no, no, I'm not going to chat to the audience like as a performance, but just as they come in. And then I'll be very, very quiet and let her take centre stage. My plan is to sort of let them crack on with any of that kind of stuff.

Say for example, it is performance. They want to sing and play guitar, whatever, and they do that. And just be very like, yeah, if you do it as when you want it very low key, non pushy pairing. But if they get to like 20 and they go, right, I've been offered a record contract and I'm going for this, I'm going to double down and be with her all the time. Being an absolute horrible, hard bastard manager. You're gonna Denise Welch it Rob. You are going to be the Denise Welch of your generation. Yeah.

Just like an iron curtain around her and just wander around. Cause I know what all these scummy sort of industry media people are like. And I'm just gonna wander around and being so horrible and difficult to deal with that then she doesn't get taken advantage of. And I'd love that. Just wandering around going, oh, fuck you, fuck you.

She's doing this, she's doing that. Don't care what they need to say, fuck. I know how this works, you little Robin bastard. You want us to mouthpiece, fuck off. Give me the proper boss. Now, where's the contract? There's no contract, There is a fucking contract. Let me read the contract.

You twat. You're going to be Jamie Spears, Rob. Oh, no. She is Spears. She is Spears. No, but looking after her. Oh, that's what Jamie thinks he's doing. That's what Jamie said, to be fair.

Oh, no. Oh, no, I'm Jamie Spears. You're Spears, mate. I've already said, no, I've said to my eldest, you know, the musical one, because she's writing a lot of her own stuff now and, you know, she's doing lots of gigs and stuff. I've said, I want to be your van driver.

I want to be in the van. I will not say a word. You can put me in any costume that you want. I will drive you round, because in that way, as you said, Rob, I can sort of keep an eye and actually be quite fun, wouldn't it? Yeah. No, I wouldn't be that, but I do think,

I think if they do start going into that world, if you've got experience in it and you've learned from mistakes and stuff, you want to try and support, but then you've got to leave them to learn their own mistakes. I know. It's a very tricky balance, isn't it? I know.

Well, my mom, she put it really well, actually. She was full of wisdom, me old mum, and she said, you've got to have your kids on a very, very, very long piece of elastic, but very occasionally, give it a little tweak. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? And it's such a good sort of, I love that image. And we all want the best for them, don't we? They're the reason that I get up in the morning, frankly. I absolutely adore the bones of them. They are flipping pesky, hilarious and just have given me more. I've got a bloody cul-de-sac now. My hair has actually

started falling out. I've got a massive cul-de-sac in the hairline with the stress of these two, but it's worth every second, isn't it? Well, Mel, if you haven't written everything today, you've beautifully tied it up. It's gone full circle. Hasn't it? Quite like that. I quite like that.

Final question, Mel. Go on. Why is the one thing that your partner does, apart from dredging the Brent, that blows your mind as a father that you think think that is why I'm with him, that is incredible. And what is the one- So many things. Irritation that you have with his parenting

that you haven't brought up, but were he to listen? Okay. This would be a good chance for him to- Yeah, a few things to say. I would say it really, I'm looking at him actually now over the glasses, slightly Al Pacino.

Have you noticed Al Pacino now? That's all he does with his acting, is just do that look over the glasses. I love the way you're looking at him actually now over the glasses slightly Al Pacino. Have you noticed Al Pacino now? That's all he does with his acting is just do that look at all the glasses. I love the way you're looking at your husband when you think about what you like and dislike about him. I can see him moving. He's cleaning his gloves. He's cleaning the river gloves. I can see he's dunking them into the whatever he dunks them into. Great prime suspect for an Osman book, isn't it? Just a raiding Wormer guy. Yeah. I'm looking over at him. He's an absolute ledge. I have to say, do you know what really

bugs me about his parenting style? He's so bloody good at it. That's what I'm going to say. Yeah, he is. I am the one who is fun, fun, fun and then loses it so badly. He's like, so badly. Like, raspberry red face, like that. He is so cool as a kook. He does things for them. Like, okay, here's an example. So, youngest has saved up and she's going off with some uni mates on a bit of a holiday jaunt end of this week. They need to be at Luton at 4.20 in the morning. I know. So who is going to drive them all? Not me. Absolutely not. Not in a thousand years. And I really grumpily said, well, they can go the night before and camp out or something. He's going to drive them. He's going to get up at two. Oh, he's weak. He's weak. He's one of them. Josh, honestly. Yeah, I'll be doing that. Absolutely nailed on.

Oh my God. But they're just so kind. He's the one that has his phone on all night in case there's a, I don't, phone straight off, earplugs in, earplugs in, mask on. Just my kip is sacred. If anyone impinges. Yeah, I did the night feeds and all that jazz. But now if anyone impinges, it's a right hook firmly into the face. But he's just like, I don't know. He's so good with stuff like that. Any negatives? He does go on a bit sometimes if he's explaining. If he's explaining something. I mean, and we all adore him for explaining but it's like, oh, God, he'll read like the manual for something, but without

the manual, if you know what I mean. Whereas he could just go, turn it on and then do the thing and put the plug in or whatever. It's a whole half hour. You have to check the clock. It goes on a bit. I think that is the best term for being in a long term relationship, is when someone goes on a bit. Oh, God. Not too much, but just that's enough of that. And I feel bad for saying that because literally 90% of it is utterly gripping, interesting, marvelous and important.

But it's that 10% you just think, I've got to, oh God, I need to open a window or I need to go and I need to just, I need to go and do something else. Do you know what I mean? I feel bad about saying that. And to be honest, that's a very minor thing, isn't it? It's not like there's, you know, he's not doing anything terrible.

No, that's great. Mel, thank you so much. Oh, love you guys. There's a podcast, there's a Will, there's a Wake available everywhere. It's available on all good podcasts. Where you get your podcasts, that's what people say. Oh, love you guys. This has been brilliant. You've come up with a podcast where there's a will, there's a wake available everywhere. It's available on all good podcasts. Where you get your podcasts, that's what people say. Yes, where is that anyway?

I don't even know. No, exactly. Apple. Spotify. Yeah. Right, cheers Mel. Mel Gedroych. The energy.

I love the energy. She's just got funny bones. I'd love to be her neighbor. Oh yeah. Imagine leaving next door to Mel Gedroych and she's out there, Ricky's painting, she's got her glasses half way down her nose looking at scenes coming round. She's fucking, she's great entertainment. She's the real deal.

I'll see you on Tuesday Rob. Bye. Bye. Love comedy, love gossip, you're in luck! Check out the Always Be Comedy podcast where you'll find top tier chats with the likes of Stephen Merchant, Ramesh Ranganathan, Maisie Adam, Rose Matafeo, Josh Whittekam, Stuart Lee and many more. That's the Always Be Comedy podcast with Tim Lewis and me, James Gill, available everywhere you get podcasts.