Parenting Hell with Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe - S11 EP15: Alan Davies (The Return)

Episode Date: October 3, 2025

Joining us this episode to discuss the highs and lows of parenting (and life) is the brilliant actor, presenter, author and comedian - Alan Davies. Alan's new book ⁠'White Male Stand-Up'⁠ is available now. His new stand-up comedy tour 'Think Ahead' starts Autum 2025. Dates and ticekt info can be found ⁠HERE Parenting Hell is a Spotify Podcast, available everywhere every Tuesday and Friday. Please subscribe and leave a rating and review you filthy street dogs... xx If you want to get in touch with the show with any correspondence, kids intro audio clips, small business shout outs, and more.... here's how: EMAIL: [e-mail] Follow us on instagram: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠@parentinghell⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Not another wrong turn. Visit CAMH.ca to help us forge a better path for mental health care. TD Bank knows that running a small business is a journey, from startup to growing and managing your business. That's why they have a dedicated small business advice hub on their website to provide tips and insights on business banking to entrepreneurs. No matter the stage of business you're in, visit TD.com slash small business advice to find out more or to match with a TD small business banking account manager. Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Widdickham. Welcome to Parents in Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent,

which I would say can be a little tricky. So, to make ourselves and hopefully you, feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern-day parenting, each week you'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or hopefully how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with your tips, advice, and of course, tales of parenting, whoa. Because let's be honest, there are plenty of times where none of us know what we're doing. Hello, you're listening to Parenting Hell with Rafferty, can you say Rob Beckett?

Laffaqitt. Can you say Josh Whittickham? Josh Wibblebong. Good boy. There we go. Lovely stuff. Hello, this is my son Rafferty's attempt at saying your names. I particularly like how much Widdickham sounds like Wigglebum.

Raffty was 23 months at the time of this recording but it took me a few months in bracket 6 to send it I love the podcast and usually save up episodes for long car journeys especially from Liverpool to Rippon to visit Raffey's grandparents thanks having all the laugh and can I also say Josh and my brother Tim are clones of each other in every way

poor old Tim loads of love and thanks for being so sexy and relatable Lucy in Liverpool originally from York Rippen Rafferty. I like Rafferty, but I struggle with Raffie. Raff. It's a hard name to shorten, isn't it? I like Rafferty. I think one of the great Plymouth Argyll players was called Billy Rafferty. Yeah, but as a sir, a furze name Raffy. Well, I thought it was short for Raffa. I didn't know what it was short for.

I'd go, I think I'd go Ralf to shorten for Raff. Ralph. Well, there we go. Is that loud? Anything's allowed. anything so that there's a kid there's a people in my front row and they're talking about their kid's called

they went Saxon and Sienna and I went Wow and I said I was a bit I was hard I could tell you

what Sienna dodged a bullet there didn't she She was going to be called Viking We used to have A Plymouth

To bring it back to Plymouth had a player called Saxon Early Recently Saxon early Saxon early Saxon early That's what I say

to Lou on a mini break Saxon early tonight before we go out so we're not too tired and drunk later now what I said on the gig as well I quite like the name Saxon and Sax for short but then the second kid I think you've got to go a bit out there as well Sienna's too normal

yeah if you go Saxon and maybe like you know Sersha or whatever is Sienna one of those names where there's one famous person with that name so you instantly think of that Sienna Miller yeah but not anymore I don't think she's that known anymore She's not been as in the public eye at the moment

I like I like both names I feel like they clash together Doesn't sound like it doesn't sound like it No Saxon and Sersha But Saxon and Sienna is like oh So why did you do one normal name Are you wacky or not? Because also if you do

I get if you do the youngest of a bit more out there name Yeah I get that because you built your confidence up Through the first name It's when you go wacky first And then the second's normal Like have you lost your bottle here What are you?

Are you different or not? Have you got personality? Exactly. Exactly, Rob. Anyway. Anyway. Should we talk about me going to South Africa on my own? We've never covered it. I don't think we probably covered it.

Oh, we did promise it. You got taken to South Africa by your nan for a few weeks. Yeah. And then she dropped you at the airport to just go home alone. Yes. But it was... How old were you? I'd have been 10.

And do you have a chaperone on the plane or just... Yeah, the plane staff, they do that. They kind of, I don't know if they still do, but it was like agreed with the plane start, that it was like a, it's a service, I suppose, do you know what I mean? So is there someone in the airport with you that is looking after you until you get on the plane? I have no memory of that. I mean, literally no memory of, I can't believe that I had to get to the gate.

That would, that would be insane. Maybe it's the same way as, you know, when you go, if you're in a wheelchair, you get taken with like the accessibility, the, and they make sure you're all at the right place. I must have been handed over to. B.A? Did your nan put you in a wheelchair and tell them that you couldn't walk? Oh yeah, yeah. That was the other thing. That was the other thing. Yeah, so there must have been people at the airport that were in charge of getting, but then

it's like, surely you've got, you've got to be a bit like, CB, C-B check? What's the word to make you not know what I mean that is? I don't know. In 1994, you didn't have C-B checks, did you? I don't know. Well, it was a worse time, Rob. And then you just sat on the plane, what did you do for 12? Do you watch telly? Was there a telly? Or do you read? How long was the plane from South Africa?

12 hours? No, it can't. It is. It was overnight. Yeah, so it's like a long-in. So you're just going to bed alone on a plane at 10? I would have been in economy as well. I was in economy. It's scarier than...

That's scary the day. It felt totally normal. At 10, I would shit my pants if I was on plane overnight. Would you? Yeah. I used to cry on sleepovers. I hate sleepovers. I wasn't a pussy.

Also, you can't ring your mum to go home. You're in the air. Exactly, yeah. You're going home. You're on the way home. I want to go home. You're going. You're going.

You don't remember it wasn't bad. It was just... No, it was just... I just don't remember... I remember them in the morning. The one thing... Because obviously the thing that you remember is always like... Not shame, but like even small amounts of shame of the thing.

I remember them saying, I'll go and brush your teeth before you get off the plane. Oh, good. You feel bad that you haven't done it. No, I didn't have my toothbrush. Oh. Because do you take your toothbrush on a plane? No. No.

So I just went, I remember going to the toilet and just standing there. Yeah. In the toilet and then coming out and saying I'd brush my teeth. Sometimes I'd take them for a long, long way. If I'm going to Australia, I'd pack one for like because you're just a normal, even America for eight hours, I wouldn't pack a toothbrush. Normally they have them if you ask, don't they? If you ask politely, there's a chained.

I mean, you're 10. Can you get one from the post? seats I'm 10 I'm 10 um yes so it was totally it was a non-event Rob really and then I read Matthew Perry's book

and it was the defining moment of his life what that he got that he got taken from Canada to America and he talks about how that was totally traumatic for him what without his parents yeah do you think maybe you subconsciously traumatic for you

no I'm trying trying to find some drama but there's just run there there's no drama Absolutely fine Have you do right in Have you been put on a plane At a young age

And did it make any difference to your life And did you get sent out How does it work? Was there a chaperone? How does it work? Yeah, in the mid-90s How does it work? There we go.

How does it work now? How does it work? How does it work with Josh and Rob? How the fuck does it work? Do you want to watch How do they do that? No, what's that? Deslinem.

Oh, it's fucking brilliant. I fucking love that show. So Deslinem and someone else would host it. And they just tell you how things worked. So they'd do loads of different ones. And they'd be really random. So it'd be like, how does air traffic control work followed by, how does the sewage system work?

Right. By computers. How's the internet going to work? It was called How do they do that? How do they deliver your post in one day from Glasgow to London? How do they get a letter to the right address? Des Linem, was he a normal TV presenter that ended up on match of the day? No, this was his spin off.

Wow, what a way to spin. Yeah. Too right. Too right. Josh, I got a funny name for you that someone sent in. Go on. Hello, you slags. I went to a school with a girl called Hannah Partridge.

That's all right. You don't seem normal enough until the festives even began and she would consistently be bombarded with chants of Hannah Partridge in a pear tree. Oh, Hannah Partridge and a pear tree. That's really good. Hannah Partridge in a... And you know it's coming as well. Are you a knock? Hannah Partridge.

Yeah. Oh, God, that is absolutely brilliant. Hannah Partridge in a pear tree. I was like, because you don't see it until that happens. You can't blame the parents. Can you imagine that excitement in the school assemblies everyone turns to Hannah? And just stares at Hannah Partridge in a

Petrie Oh my God Yeah Is it your favourite Do you like five gold Rings But Five gold

Yeah I do Yeah I really do Like shouting it Yeah Four Turtle does three

French hands Two calling birds Hannah Potridge In a Petrie Thank you for the pod I can't call out for Christmas Thank you for the pod

I've been listening Since I love Christmas since day one. Fucking so good. And we had our son, Corey, on October 2020. So it's been a good guy to remember nobody knows what they are doing. Keep it sexy and relatable. When you get in the tree this year, Rob?

Trees going up mid-November. I'm wondering when we're going to go to Magic Christmas on the radio. You're going to need new decorations for your home. I know, Rob. Well, we've brought them with us. You've got space for a big, big tree. You're going to get a real one or a fake one? Oh, real.

Love the smell. Yeah, but I think you get a big... No, we're getting the real. No, but a big, big, fake one. And then a... No, more than one. Yeah, more than one real one. No.

No, but the big, big one, you won't be able to move it on your own. Right. You need to get a big, big, big one. I lift. Fake. Rob by lift. No, Rose lifts. Right, right.

Lift. What do you lift? Trace. What's your bench press record? I don't know. 50? 50 what? KG's.

It's pretty good. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't have a guest by the interpriced record. Should we bring the guest on? Yeah, go on then. Here's the guest. Welcome back to Alan Davis. Alan. You're back again. We've had you before. So many years ago. So many years ago. So many years ago. I think it was during COVID when you had a legitimate excuse for doing this.

Yes. As opposed to a contractual obligation. Yeah. But it's good that all three of us are contractually obliged to make it work again. I'm very happy too How are you, Alan? Good. You're back on tour, aren't you? I'm back on tour. I was in Folkestone on Saturday night and it was great. It's not out before the tour starts, was it? Just let your head down.

No, I was actually performing in the Leescliffe Hall, which I'm sure you're both familiar with. You go in the dressing room and you look out the window and it feels like you're in the sea. The English channel is outside your window and then you go the other direction and there's about a thousand people sitting there and they were great. This is your first tour in a decade.

First tour in a decade. I have been gigging, but I haven't been touring. Yeah. Because you had a big gap before then, didn't you, as well? I had a gap between 2001 and 2011, and that was a mistake, that gap. What was that mistake? That was a career mistake, a mental health mistake, a financial mistake. I shouldn't have taken that massive decade-long sabbatical.

Why did you? But could I just say at this stage, Rob is planning a decade-long sabbatical on a stand-up, so he's... Yeah, that's really panicked me, this sabbatical. Fucky kids, let's talk about this at a call. Let's forget about kids. No, it's good to have breaks.

It's definitely good to have time away from it. Yeah. It's not good to not keep your hand in. Right. You've got to do a gig every two or three months. Oh, so you did absolutely nothing, not because of my sabbaticals from the soaring, not from the odd appearance.

And was that, we will come to your book. I'm halfway through it. God, you've just got the job on Jonathan Creek. Don't tell me how that goes, Josh. I've not read that bit of the book yet. I don't know how it's going to go. So from 2001 to 2011, did you have kids at that point, Ella? Good question. My first child, Susie, was born in 2009. Right.

I mean, part of the reason was I did some gigs and people were getting a bit over-excited about me being on television. and I didn't really have any new material and I thought I could just wing it you know like the old days and it turned out to be just a tsunami of quite well-intended interruptions this was late night at the comedy store so you're sort of asking for it really

aren't it? People have had a drink and whatever Abbey National related, am I right? A little bit of Abbey National stuff little bit of people shouting out that I'd had a perm I'd like to follow the record lads I've never had a perm but it seemed like a funny joke to making

an advert to suggest that I had had a perm and being with the Abbey National was beneficial for my hair in my banking so stress-free and it was quite a funny advert and John Lloyd at the end shouted to up, pirm, off camera and I react badly.

Why is that John Lloyd? That was John Lloyd's voice. And then I got on in the comedy store and half the people would go, pirm! Purn! And they were asking me if I'd shag had Caroline Quentin

and really nice, polite inquiries like that. But during the gig? During the gig. And for the record, lads, no, that's not true. But thanks, Alan, because both of us, both of us were thinking, can we ask? I was hoping Rob would do the dirty work, but you've done it for me, Alan. Yeah, preemptive.

So it was basically avoided all the heckles and the attention. Because, you know, you're super famous now. Because I say fame's a bit like the stock market. It goes up and crashes and comes back again. So it's like, that must have been peak peak for you where like it was non-stop. Well, also, in those days, I mean, it's hard to sort of remember it, really, but there was no internet, right? So there's no internet.

There's none of this stuff. Yeah. There's no YouTube. There's just telly. And so if you want to amuse yourself, as you remember in the 90s, you had to turn the telly on. And if what was on was on, that's what you watched, right? Unless you could add 50 quid to spend or buying a video.

Yeah. And so if you're in the Abbey National Ads, as I was, then you're on half time in Coronation Street and Emmerdale, and they're getting 15 to 20 million. viewers each and blind date on the weekend that's another 15 million people of seen you and they've been forced you watching because there's nothing else and they don't even like though they don't like you and they think who's this gig get off get out of the way you can't pause live TV in those days yeah fame was a different kettle of fish the numbers

were much higher jonathan crete was 12 million viewers you know it went overnight it went from just having a bit of a laugh and enjoying doing stand-up to this life-changing you've kind of cashed in your anonymity without really anyone from HR talking you through how that's going to feel, you know, or what the consequences

might be. I'm reading the book and it's absolutely brilliant. It couldn't be, I mean, Alan, it couldn't be more for me if you made it a thousand pages long. I've sold you all the bits that I cut out. And you could. fucking this material

on Patreon or whatever it's so good right it's brilliant it's honest you write so well like it's not just a book by a comedian it's a proper book I'm lapping this up

say some more things it's alright Rob said yeah yeah oh I've got some stuff hold on the book previously you went on a creative

writing course is that right so you could do the story in the book oh there he goes you've actually bloody goes it's not just

you know you've thrown your hat in the ring you've actually put the the academic make time. And is that correct, Mr Davies? Well, that is correct, Mr Beckett. I was never called you that, have you? Never in my life, man.

Boy, Beckett, you, Spangue, that. Honestly, if I walk around the streets where I live, oh, Beckett, you, that's it. Rob is the 2025 version of the Abbey National advert, basically. When I found out my friend got a great deal on a wool coat from winners, I started wondering. Is every fabulous item I see from winners? Like that woman over there with the designer jeans.

Are those from winners? Ooh, are those beautiful gold earrings? Did she pay full price? Or that leather tote? Or that cashmere sweater? Or those knee-high boots? That dress, that jacket, those shoes. Is anyone paying full price for anything?

Stop wondering. Start winning. Winners, find fabulous for less. No, so what I was going to say is, I literally bought this. I started reading it on Saturday. I've tried to fit in some parenting, but I've been reading the book.

Normally, Alan, I'll read about 20 pages for this, these interviews, but I'm loving it. In full transparency, I've chat GPTed what's in it, but I have ordered it. Full transparency. Chat GPT's got me covered. I bought it in Kings Lynn Waterstones. So if you see a...

Here we go. Around by 1 o'clock today, so three hours late, Alan Davis book and Shane Warns book. There you go. Spoiler, we're not interviewing Shane War. But what I'm looking at. I'm making a lot with that. I've got some bad news, Rob.

That interview's been canned. I didn't realize until reading it, in my head, because I had witnessed this, maybe because I was a fan of comedy, like I was really interested in all the comedians. I knew who you were before Jonathan Creek. In my head, you were a much bigger deal before Jonathan Creek, but actually reading the book, it's a mad change in your life, right? because you are a kind of you're a bubbling onto TV

a bit kind of comedian. I've done a couple of I Got News for you. I've done Clive James and Ades O'Connor. These are the slots you could do in those days. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And they're 10, 12 million viewers. You can be spotted. You've done the last resort. John's and Ross. So you did Jonathan Ross.

I've done Jonathan Ross and I've done bits and pieces, but no, Jonathan Crete was definitely a big change. I suppose we should mention your kids. Are they A, coming to see you on tour and B, do you want them to your book. How old are they now? Sorry, Alan. They're 15, 14 and 10. Right. No, they haven't read the books. Although the books, when I say the books, well, I'm talking about Just Ignore Him, which I wrote was five years ago. And White Male Stand Up, the new book, which is, I sort of think

as part two, it kind of follows on. In a lot of ways, I wrote them for them. Yeah. Because I think there's a lot of stuff that went on when I was a child, particularly with my father, there's a whole abuse story, which is a large part of Just Ignore him. But then following into white male stand-up, where I become a stand-up comedian and I start working and carrying that childhood with me instead of, as I previously thought, being able to leave it behind as if the past was somewhere else and you could head to the future, you know, and now realise it. Yeah, we'll have that impact at a time.

I know it's not going to have any impact on who I am. And also what sort of a parent I am, what sort of a parent I am to my kids. And what I didn't want was my father kind of acting on my children through me. I wanted to try as much as I could to prevent that happening. And I was very aware that the kind of person that I became after my childhood was going to have some sort of negative impact on them and on my marriage and trying to sort those things out and organize them and go through. Really kind of turning around and facing the past and trying to deal with it

and trying to turn it into something. And both of the books really, you've kind of learned about yourself as you're right. You can see yourself in a different way. You realise a lot of your memories are inaccurate or blurred. And being able to kind of organise your thoughts and your feelings and your emotions. And Katie, my wife, have read both the books as I was writing them. And they're very helpful, I think, for her as well. So I think they've been profoundly beneficial, I hope, for my own family.

And the kids, I'm sure, will read them when they're older. My stand up, I think they would be appalled. They really like to. David O'Doherty, and I think that shows outstanding taste. They're big fans of you, Rob. They're big fans of you, because they love you and Rommish being absolute dickheads with people and doing stupid things, but they love it, you know. They know you, Josh, they've met you, of course.

They've met me, my daughter. And so they like comedians and they like comedy. We never watch QI. Can you imagine? Sit down with Katie at the end of a day. What should we watch? And it goes, dund-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-and there's footstall's gone through the screen before that's coming on. I can't watch myself back at all.

Being sat there with the kids watching myself, feels with an absolute dread. Oh, my gosh. They're not doing that with you then on QI. Jesus. No. Jonathan Creek, though, it must be like watching a different person for them. It is. And I think that's one of the things I talk about in the book is the person that I was on stage,

particularly when I was a younger stand-up, and the person I was off-stage. two very different people and it's quite a facade you're putting on. And I wasn't really, you know, tackling the issues in my comedy. I was just trying to think of anything that was funny, talking a lot about my cats, you know. Yeah, which is a shame because you're talking to two comedians that are dealing with big issues in their stand-up. So we find it a shame when you just get these people that go on and do rubbish observational stuff about day-to-day life. All the journalists that keep coming to my shows where notebooks and people weeping really put me off my fly.

He tells another story about his dad and mum. So you didn't take that break because you had kids at that point. It was more like the effect of the fame and you wanted a bit of distance from the crowd. Writing these books and having your kids, has it impacted the way you've parented then, as opposed to sort of confronting what's happened in the past and understanding it.

But like sort of day-to-day kind of stuff, are you working less or you having more deep conversations with them? How do you reckon it's manifested? Hopefully I'm less cross. there's less outbursts and general kind of snappiness and a few less hangovers and previously well-trodden paths towards coping strategies not so good when you're a parent or when you're living on your own and you can't do that anymore but the break when I was off stand-up

Katie and I met in 2005 and by 2006 I didn't want to do anything anymore This is how I sorted out my work-life balance Because I stopped working Then I found the balance was really good And we went to Thailand for a month You know, and that sort of thing We had a really nice year And we got married

And it still wasn't really mad for working I was slightly put off I did a couple of drama series for ITV Which were very long hours And they paid me a lot of money But it meant I had to be in every single scene I felt like death warmed up About halfway through

And I didn't really know what I wanted to do And so also all the time when I was thinking about maybe doing some writing or something, my childhood stories were always in my head. And so by the time when I did what you were talking about, Rob, when I went to Goldsmith's College and did a creative writing course, see, I never really thought from that that I would write a book from it. I thought, but I did want to try and get into what was bothering me, which is really my father mainly, and be able to write about that.

And I submitted a bit of writing on that course. when you submitted something towards your master's you have to do so anonymously you put a student number on it. They don't know who's written it when they're marking it, in other words. And that's when I first wrote about my father and that

piece of writing became a chapter called Hands, which is in Just Ignore Him and then I started to, the feedback was very positive and I realised that these people were going to help me with it, that they were going to read my stuff, they were going to be supportive. My tutor is a guy called Ardashir Vakil

is known as Ardu, was wonderful, man, and he said to me, you seem to be trying to do your best writing. You seem to be constructed in these sentences and paragraphs and it doesn't sound like you. And you've been a comedian for 30 years. You've got a voice that you speak with and you use. Why not try and use that voice in your writing, you know, keep it closer to you. And that was good advice. And then he said to me, write the stuff that makes you cry, right, as if no one's going to read it. Yeah. And so I did. And that was quite harrowing. And now the book's upset a lot of people. Yeah, I mean, I've not read your new one, but just ignore it, is very full on, isn't it?

It's obviously, you know, you talk about sort of abuse in a sort of throwaway term, and it was incredibly horrendous what happened to you. I think that you can all agree. And, you know, everyone in their family, I find looks forward and goes, well, how can I change the way I was parented to my kids and it can range from what happened to you just to, oh, my dad was a bit snappy on a Saturday sometimes, and I don't want to be doing that to my kids. But I think it's a theme everyone wants to follow is where they reflect on their

childhood and then want to change things going forward. But this is like to do this is so I think impressive. And I think you talk about it in quite a casual way, but it's quite remarkable that you're doing it in such a public forum. And I think I read that you had loads of people coming up to you anonymous. He said that they had similar experiences, but have been never been able to talk about it or communicate. Robert, it happened to me this morning. I was walking the dog and there's a guy, I saw a guy jogging. I thought he looks familiar. And it was a parent from my daughter sold primary school and his daughter was in her class they were friends and he'd come to a book event i did last week and he said that his wife had had similar experiences and she'd read the book

and got a lot out of it and that sort of thing has happened quite a lot and it means a lot to me it means a lot to me that people are finding it beneficial and helpful and maybe opening up a little bit to their own family and friends or therapists or whoever they choose to talk to to us, go. But I still, at the same time, because I'm a comedian, I still want to say, yeah, that's lovely. But did you like any of the funny bits? I mean, I put some jokes in. Once you've sort of wiped away, you've used up a box of tissues. Yeah, yeah. It was really funny as well, though, wasn't it? Is it the funniest book you've ever read about abuse?

I wouldn't be surprised I don't know if you do this with your own books but if you go on that Amazon Amazon have so many different charts I was number one in child abuse biographies for a quite long time you could be in the comedy television chart the actors biography chart

I was in the opera singer's chart for a while I don't know what the algorithm did there must be an opera called Just Ignoring and so have you spoken to your kids about it do you mind me also any of these just say fuck off, I don't want to answer that. We can move on to other stuff in a minute

a bit more light-off. No, but the weird thing is, of course, the kids are googie you. And I don't have any control over Wikipedia. In fact, I'm banned from my own Wikipedia page for trying to correct factual inaccuracies. Really?

They're very against that on Wikipedia. No, you may not correct this factual inaccuracy. Even though it is about you. What was the fact? He was trying to correct. Oh, God, there are all sorts of weird little things, but, I mean, including where I was born and what the kids were called. But someone who's in career things as well.

You've got a lovely picture on Wikipedia. It's really nice. You're in a 1982 World Cup England shirt with the colours across the... It looks like you're in a knock-off version of one of them. You're having a lovely time. That was from I was making podcasts with two... There's a really good podcast called Bantams Banta. Oh, yeah, Tom and Dom.

We do podcasts in the World Cup. They always come to my shows in York. They are Yorkshire, lads. That was from 2014. So that's as a reason as Wikipedia are prepared to go with a photograph. So the kids are Googling you now? Well, the youngest one Googles himself. And he's already been annoyed because he's found a website that's birthday wrong.

You Google that age nine. And I said, this is a good life lesson for you. Never, ever, ever, ever Google yourself. Okay. Just don't ever do that. It always ends in tears. My daughter turned 16 in December. And they've asked me a little bit and they've spoken to me a little bit

because they became aware that we didn't see my dad at all in the last six years of his life. And they had to say something. It's awkward because it's not very often that it's all so laid out in a book somewhere that they can find online at a younger age. You know what I mean? It's sort of more...

I'm just a little bit conscious that... Oh, yeah, Sharon, the cleaners here, and she's got the Hoover going. I was going to say that there was the kids wearing or something that you do want to talk about that. Kids have just written the background, reading a book about... I'm just going to...

I'll be back in the minute. Yeah, yeah, yeah, no one. There's a peak Alan Davis background. You can see the Arsenal shirt in the background. I know. Whose do you think it is? Ian Wright? Long sleeve.

That looks like a... Who wear a long sleeve? Mers. I don't know if Bird Camp War Jack... That might be a Bird Camp Longsleeve. I don't think Bird Camp War JVC. We're trying to work out if that is an ex-player's Arsenal shirt behind you've got framed or just one from a certain season.

That is the 98. Oh, double season. And it's all the players' autographs. Ah, I didn't realize they were still with JVC at that point. Off the mug and a Bird Camp one. Yeah. Yeah. So your daughter I've met was so nice to my daughter when we went to the cricket.

We went to the hundred. They love the hundred. They loved the hundred. And Mick Jagger turned up. It was something else. Yeah, but they weren't excited about Mick Jagger. They were excited about there. There was a lad there who's in Harry Potter.

Oh, yeah. I forget his name. That's a black spot in my cultural, like, knowledge is Harry Potter. I've never read it. I've never watched it. I haven't read those. I've seen most of the films because the kids watch him. Yeah. Malfoy is he the boy?

Draco Malfoy? It wasn't Dreyko. Maybe it was. Maybe it was. Three bloke, I remember Harry Potter character. Anyway, they saw him and they immediately thought, oh my God, oh my God, he's Harry Potter. We've got to get a photo, and then he left.

Oh, no, we didn't get a photo. We didn't get a, listen, calm down. Mick Jagger's there. Do you take your kids to a lot of things, Alan? Do you like, do you enjoy the perks of those kind of things? Well, I don't get that many, honestly. I've got that opportunity because of my friendship with Stephen Fry, which I maintain largely by text message about the cricket.

We only really contact about cricket or he loves watching the darts and the snooker as well. Yeah. I think if Fred Truman was still doing Indoor League, we'd be actually addicts, a pair of us. Oh my God. They should bring that back. Beckett, you'd be great for Indoor League. League. What's Indoor League?

Oh my God, you'd love it. Indoor League was hosted by Fred Truman, Fierrethorpe, a very dower, and it was basically pub games. Yeah. Darts. And that was it. It was indoor. And they would say, I'll sit there at the end of every...

I feel like I should be hosting that, never mind watching it. That's got to be written all over, isn't it? Rob Beckett's Indoor League. It's more faces the Stone Island badge, Rob Beckett. No, what we'd do, we'd set up a pub. and then you'd be a comedy character outside with a kind of Welk stall. Yes. Harry Enfield would have done.

And we'd see the contestants outside getting a pint of cockles or something and then chatting to you. The other thing I used to do, do you remember this, Josh, I used to do arm wrestling, didn't they on that? Oh, yeah. I've loved it. Well, I've only watched clips. It was perform. So I've watched clips because they, they featured it in Fantasy Football League. And then since I've gone back and watched it on YouTube.

And it's, Rob, everything is brown. every different type of people. Like it just looks, it's incredible. Anyway. Taking your kids stuff. So you took them cricket. Do they come to the football with you as well? Are they into sport?

Because obviously you love school. My two boys, we went to see Arsenal, Manchester City yesterday, and my two boys came to that. And how is that going, taking your boys to the football? Do they like it? The youngest one is absolutely mad for it. And he's mad for cricket as well. And he plays cricket, and he loves it.

And he's good at it, too, which really helps. You can actually bowl me out all the time. The other day he got me out, LBW caught behind and bowled in three successive balls. And each one he celebrates like Dennis Lilly in the ashes. And I love to see him doing that. And he hasn't got a phone yet. How old is he? He's 10.

Yeah. He thinks he's going to get a phone when he goes to secondary school, because that's what his older siblings got. But now, Katie's discovered that you can now get them a phone that has, messages, photos and maps on it and no internet he's dreading the day he's going to get one of these things he doesn't want to be protected

he wants to be exposed to the internet not to be as vulnerable as possible our feeling is that the older two children just fell through some gap between the invention of the internet and the realisation kids could be groomed on there

and they're so vulnerable and it's so dangerous and there was this kind of wild West period, which is exactly when my teenagers have grown up in. And now there seems to be some legislation being mooted and some changes made. At least now you have to prove you're 18 if you want to watch Pornhub. I mean, that seems like the minimum. Really?

I think. Is that happened? Yeah. That's happened. Yeah. But I think that because they're trying to say now that it's more the social media apps is more of the problem than having an actual phone because like messaging, but then there is the WhatsApp groups and the bullying in schools and all that.

So it's like you're right in the middle of all that with your teenagers and a 10-year-old. How across checking their messages are you with the older ones? Do you do that or do you just leave them to it? It's very, very difficult. You hope that the school's all over it, telling them all the time about the dangers. The parents are constantly at them. Get off your phone. Get off your phone.

You can't have it in your bedroom. This is our ruling our house. But, you know, if you are being bullied, it's in your pocket. You know, never mind dreading going to school. You're dreading the walk to school when you turn your phone on. Oh, God. It's just modern parenting, isn't it? Katie and I didn't have it.

They cannot understand. My tenure literally cannot understand that I did not have a PS5 as a kid. That makes no sense to him at all. He's like, what did you do? I remember my parents talking about getting a television when there were kids first time, and I was like, this is fucking wild. Like, they didn't have a TV. and that's now what we are.

It might explain why they're all completely fucking mental that generation. It's been false to watch Coronation Street and Alan in an Abbey As well it's very hard to explain to them that if it wasn't for colour television no one would know who Steve Davis is. Just no one would know who he was. Well it's difficult to explain that to a child

who doesn't know Steve Davis is. Imagine a bit excited about seeing coloured balls. That's it. Oh my God. You can see the different. Colours. Look at this quick. I remember us getting a colour telly. And I can remember the excitement of being able to watch the British Grand Prix on the television

and know which the cars were. It couldn't tell the difference between the cars before. And then suddenly, all they were were high-speed cigarette packets, you know. There was a B&H and a Rothman's and a Marlborough. Yeah. A Peter Stuyver's suit car flying around the John players. They were all cigarette packets. And what year would you have got a colour TV?

Mid-70s, it would have been? Mid-70. But you still had to get up and go across the room to change the channel. Actually, the other day, I was saying, I remember when we got a remote control for our TV, and my dad making a thing of, this is it, isn't it? People are now too lazy to walk to their television to change the channel. This is what humanity has come to.

It's there. And we're not willing to walk to that. But I mean, that literally was true, because sometimes you would just stick with a program because nobody could be asked to go and turn away. Basically, you're either a BBC house or an ITV house. You either watch Blue Peter or you watch Magpie. You didn't watch both channels?

No. Jesus, it's mad, isn't it, in that one generation, how much it's changed? Yeah, and so it's very difficult to foresee what the next decade will be like, you know. When you take the kids to the football, obviously you've got your season tickets with your mates that you've had for years. So the difficult years, when your kids get older, you can't just magic up two seats. next to you in that section and then sometimes when they're young you have to go to the awful family stand which everyone hates to go to just screaming kids and chaos how do you get them in then or what's you just wait when there's a gap with your mates or have you moved well i've got

six season tickets oh so you own all six of those i own six season tickets and then next to us there's another five tickets that are owned by friends and so people use my tickets and so you can just transfer them you just transfer right okay so have two of your Your friends had to be delivered the bad news that they've been replaced with a younger. A younger model. A younger, no baby. One of the people who did have one of my season tickets for a while was Romish Ranganathan, and he would have a season ticket for a while.

He never went. He came three times in about four seasons. So we haven't heard from him on the WhatsApp group for years since he made his last million. I don't know what's happened to. I don't know what's happened to that bloke. That one's always spent. Is he still paying for it? No.

I do it on a game by game basis. But when we moved to the Emirates, I bought these bonds, which entirely new to a ticket. That was how I got those tickets. And so that's what we do. It does mean if we're playing Manchester City, they'll have to break the bad news on the WhatsApp group.

Sorry, if the kids want to come. And now, as they're getting older, they want to come all the time. They'll have, like, boyfriends and girlfriends, and they want to bring their partners now. and then follow you make Keith Dover's just sat He'll put a message up and say I'll fall on me sword He goes he doesn't mean that

He's furious And do you like take them to the pub with you Beforehand and stuff And does it change how you behave? I'm not a pre-matched drinker So that doesn't come into it But what it usually happens is Katie Will come and collect them

So we have to leave About a minute before the end And then run and to get to where she's waiting so she can get them in the car and get out of there before the traffic. If you get it wrong by about three minutes, you'll be stuck on Holloway Road for an hour.

And you're in a huge doghouse while you're sat in the pub drinking. Once she came to pick them up and I wanted to go home as well. So I got in the car and then we went out until Holloway Road. And then I was sitting there going, is this what you do every time?

This can't go on. This is terrible. She goes, this is what it is like every time I pick them up. You're normally a little. in the pub driven this bit. I said, well, okay, understood. So you're one of those people that leaves that earlier?

Yeah, we had to leave early. We're playing Manchester City. You scored? We've just scored. We saw the goal. Then there's another three or four minutes of high octane football when we're desperately trying to get another goal. Oh, no.

Manchester City players are lined down, feigning injury all over the pitch. Donna rumours taken half an hour over every goal kick. Everyone's going mad. Well, Donna Summer, we've been called in the pub. We snuck out 30 seconds before four. all time, which is enough to leg it to the car. Have you missed anything yet? Have you missed a goal?

We did miss a goal last season. We missed a goal, yeah. And was it an important one? No. It wasn't. But it will happen. Yeah, it will happen. But then they'll be old enough soon.

You can just let them walk off themselves. Go and meet your mum. I'm 10. You've got a phone now, off you go. Is that giving you, like, I'd say 80% of the chats between me, my dad and my brother are still now Plymouth, all. or Premier League related. Has it given you, do you like having that kind of shared interest with your kids?

Or has it meant that you're now just talking about football all the time? Once they get to teenage, it's hard to talk to them about really anything. They turn into different people and they're separating from you, which is good. We like to bring them back for meals. I like to have holidays with them. We like being with them. We spend a lot of time together and we want them, we want them to get on. we want them to be friends when we're gone

you know we want them to be close we want them to have good relationships and we like them luckily we like our kids and they're good fun and they're funny together and we like being with them that's not always easy

they possibly think that we don't like them because we do bollock them all the time and it's hard to remember that you know I mean the other day my 15 year old daughter fainted which is she hasn't done before and we understand it's quite a common thing

at that kind of age it kind of changes in the body going on and anyway Were you there? I wasn't there, I was away and when I left the house I was doing a book event in Devon and then going up to start my stand-up to us

I was away for a couple of nights and I remember when I left the house I had a slight feeling from her that something wasn't right she looked very pale, she hadn't been well she'd had to sign a site as hadn't been a bit unwell and it did remind me of when she was very little

And I thought There was something about her That was saying I don't really want my dad to go away For two nights Which is something that She's not going to voice As a 15 year old

She's taller than me Right She's five foot Yeah You know I thought she's much taller than her mum She looms over her mum You know

But she's about the same height as me I was 14 year old She's taller than me He's six foot tall now So it's strange You know Knowing that they still need They need a cuddle

You know They need They're so vulnerable But they want Independence at the same time They still want that time. It's a very strange mixture of things. Sometimes she'll sit next to me at the dinner

and she'll just put her head on my shoulder and she's still, because when she was one, we had the first two children were very close together. They were only 18 months apart. And when Katie was doing a lot of breastfeeding with Bobby, who's our second one, and being with him a lot, he was in the bed, basically. I was with Susie for that whole year when she was one,

Little Kickers, Jimbury, a 10 o'clock club at I, every field, just everything, swimming lessons. The only way I could get her to sleep was if she was on top of me. So I spent many hours unable to move her for fear of waking her up. And I had a very close bond with her when we were growing up. And so I've really felt that little hint of something. I thought something's not right and she didn't want me to go away. And it's a very strange thing.

On the other hand, we're constantly joking about her. Now she's a woman. She's going to go. I'll get her tickets for concerts. She loves concerts. So I took her to a couple of them But now she wants to go You know, she wants to go by herself

She doesn't want me there She went to Billy Eilish by herself You sat outside the O2 in a car Kind of Waiting for her to leave a minute before the end She knows exactly what to do at the O2 The O2 is one of the, you've got to know Which escalator you're going down

We've got to go in the right direction And you have got to run for that Underground Station because if you leave it Two minutes equals 2,000 The Wembley Stadium is the worst of that. When we went to watch Oasis, we and my mates were so pissed, we turned up and we couldn't find our entrance to the, we was in like a raw box, not a box, but like that area.

We walked around the stadium, what a full loop. And we were so confused, we had another pint and had another loop. What did you go to watch for there, Alan? I've been to see, well, we all went to see Taylor Swift at Wembley. Yeah. Do you enjoy that? Well, it's the second time I've seen Taylor. Swift. And I thought the first one was

better. This one was so long. It was so long. Katie took the boys out before the end. I said to her, my advice to you here is leave. Okay. She's done shake it off. She's done two and a half hours now. It's not going to get any

better than this. And it doesn't. It doesn't rise to a crescendo. It just goes on for three hours. She starts off at a very high standard of pop music and maintains that eight, nine at a 10 standard for three hours. So there's no climax. There's no finale.

Get out. Get out. Get to Wembley Park. There's so many good ones. You're not waiting for one big one. Because Susie has learned all the words to all the songs, knows the set list, and is going to sing the lot and fill most of it on her phone,

and then ran out battery and filled my phone up with it as well. And then I thought, well, this is going to be hellish getting to the tube. We'll just wait 20 minutes. So then we watched about five. 500 people sweep all the debris off the pitch into overturned bins at the end of the pitch. That was amazing to watch. For me, that was a highlight. But what an operation this is.

This woman is creating a lot of jobs for a lot of people. She is an industry and fair play to her. And then so they filled all these bins. We watched out for 20 minutes. We went in, we had a bit of food and this kind of buffet, the remnants of the buffet because we're in one of those boxes. Of course, they had that absolute arm and the leg. well we'll go now we went outside

and there's still a massive queue at the ship it still took 45 minutes to get to the platform we've waited for the crowd to clear no one thought this through with Wembley

no one thought if it makes you feel better when I went to boxing with my dad and he can't walk that great so like well he can but not for a long time I've got a car parking space

in the red car park right so anyway we do that we wait we eat a little thing we sit down we have another drink leave it an hour and a half so we come out at like half 11 at night

it's still rammed of people we go to the car park and no one's moved from the car park. I mean, what's going on? They went, oh no, car park shut till 1 a.m. You're not allowed to leave. 1 a.m. Do you know what I do and I stand by and I'm going to do it again for a race?

I'm not going to do it again for a racist because I'm going for a wedding. I drive and I book a parking space in someone's driveway, 20 minute walk from Wembley. Brilliant. It's the way forward. It is the way forward.

What I used to do, when Arsenal played at Wembley in the Champions League, with this big mistake it turned out, because I couldn't win any of the matches, but they sold a lot of tickets. But I had a motorbike then. Oh, yeah. I would go on that. Was this during your 10-year breakdown, by any chance?

This is in the 90s. And then you go around the North Circular at breakneck speed with speed camera of lights flashing at you, confident in the knowledge that none of them got any filming because they used to have to actual filming them. I used to have to take them to the chemist, those things. to convict anyone but I saw

yeah Taylor Swift Olivia Rodrigo who I'd never heard of Oh how was that? She's brilliant She's like Avril Levine Yeah Very impressive

Quite like that sort of more indie style of music So I mean I'm absolutely ancient I'm sitting there I'm looking around At other days Just looking at one another How are you getting on

It's like a nod Do you know like a nod Between like beetle drivers Like oh yeah It's more a sort of Collective puffing out of the cheeks especially when they're older. So when they're like 15 and 16

and say if you take them with a mate, you're just near them as they're having a night out with their mate because they don't want to sing the song to you or so you just sort of stood there as like a minder almost as they have this evening. Everyone else is on their feet yelling and screaming and you're sitting down. Do you do research?

Do you think in the days leading up I'm going to do Olivia Origo's big albums on Spotify? Or do you just go into it? Totally blind. Pretty blind. I'll listen to one or two. I'll tell you what happened. We were out on Hampstead Eve with the dog,

and Susie saw Olivia Rodriguez and her boyfriend. Fucking out. And they were having an ice cream and doing some selfies, probably creating content for their 85 million followers. And she's, oh my God, it's Olivia Rodriguez. That is a mad spot, to be fair. That is incredible to see Olivia Rodriguez. She spotted her from a hundred yards, you know.

To me, she's just like any 21-year-old girl on the heath of her boyfriend having an ice cream. They couldn't see anything about them that was... And then, so that Francis is the nine-year-old, he was going, why don't you go and say hello? You should go and say hello. And to suit his credit, I am not going to bother her. I'm going to leave her alone. I thought, if I've given them one thing as a parent, it is, if you recognise someone, leave them the fuck alone. just leave people alone

they don't want to speak to you I guarantee it and then Olivia Rodriguez came up to you and said I love Jonathan Craig absolutely love it She says any way you can get me on QI How are you with when people wanted to have photos then when you had little kids

You know because that's why I find really challenging When you're like You haven't spending that much time with the kids you know it's family time and then also you're tired and you're stressed because the kids are kicking off and then people want to come and say hello in the past have you had a bit of a sort of short tempo

with that would you stay in front of the kids? I try not to but I just lean into a bit of sarcasm but I mean really when Fran who's the youngest when he used to like being on my shoulders that was his favourite place to be until he got too heavy for that so if he's on your shoulders and they're saying can I have a photo

and you're saying there's going to be two legs in the photo I said, can you see, you know, I've got my kid on my. And they went, yeah, I know. I said, well, no, you can't. Or they say, I know, I know you're with your family, but do you mind? And, you know, sometimes you can sort of work it in to your day out, but I did, someone got short shrift at Lego Land only last week. My Achilles is when I'm with the kids and I'm like holding them or comforting them

or I've got my top off on holiday and they go, could have a selfie. I'm like, please don't take a photo of my tits. I don't even like being in that house with them out. This is just so hot. But it's been a long time for me. You know, being on television in the late 90s and 2000, those days, there was quite a lot.

But not so many camera phones in those days. Yeah, of course, yeah. And especially people who want to speak to you about my book or want to say, you know, give people of the benefit of the doubt and trying to be too grumpy. I don't care what you tread from the book. Yeah, your dad did what? He's on my shoulders and I want to go on the drag and ride, okay?

It's my day off. How's it like being back on tour, Alan? Is it nice being back on tour after a decade? Being on stage, I enjoy, you know, I could do without a little bit in between, but no one likes the commuting, do they? The response is being good. That's the thing. Weaving in some bits and pieces from the book,

that it's quite more difficult to do comedy about, but... Oh, so are you speaking about that on stage for the... Because you've written about it, but you've never really spoken about the abuse on stage, have you? No. In fact, talked about anything but, you know, gone as far away from it as possible, or talked about my dad in a way that's just for comic purposes, as if, you know, you know, dads, what are they like?

You know, that kind of toad. And there's some of your observational stuff that don't quite... I just sort of feeling that if I was a cake I'm not showing all the ingredients I'm presenting a difference I didn't know how that would go I didn't know if I'd be able to work that in or how you know this kind of more truthful

more serious-minded approach to creating material but still wanting to be as funny as I ever was so I went to the Edinburgh Festival in August and did a couple of weeks and the response was very, very good and I have got some hilarious stuff about erectile dysfunction that's arguably some of my finest material I'm able to pad the show with very funny routines

I'm enjoying doing but at the same time feel like it's not totally trivial skin deep no but I think that's the evolution of what stand-up has become really people now see so much of everyone on TV and on social media that I think you've got to give that authentic version of yourself and if they feel like you're holding back or not being honest with them they will sort of like roll their eyes at it slightly I think that's the way all of stand-ups gone.

I think you can't really get away. You've just sort of glossing over stuff, I don't think, really. Oh, I'm managing to. Yeah, that's possibly true. And also, but I do think if you always have been going on about yourself, which is my comedy is just my life, my family, my kid, you know. And I'm 60 next year. I've had a lot of years gigging and I'm more able to talk about those things.

And I'm looking at my audience. And there's a lot of grey hair. in the audience and I know that they are going through all kinds of experiences not dissimilar you know life's ups and downs isn't it so they've come with me and quite a few I was signing books

after the show the other night and quite a few people saying we saw you here 10 years ago you know one person said when you're coming back I said alright you get the point right it takes me 10 years to come up I've got the dates here you are in Northampton London

Wimbledon Theatre, Birmingham, Sheffield, Nottingham, Ipswich, Stockton, York, Cardiff, Lincoln, Stoke-on-Trent, Cambridge, Oxford, Swindon, Woken, Woking, London, Warrington, Southampton, Eastbourne. Oh, Australia, Australia, and Canterbury as well. Torrensville, where the fuck's that? That's a couple of places I'm going to Australia that I have not been to before. St Kilda. That sounds like some sort of like offshore banking, isn't it? That's Melbourne, really Sandy Bay, Thirl I'm doing Thirl

Oh, amazing Oh, that'd be great Yeah, a lot of gigs Let's do the final question Let's do the final question We didn't have this last time We were on Alan You were one of our first ever guests

Weren't you, I think I think it was I remember something about a wall In your garden No one had anything to do So it was quite happy to come on When are you coming back Um no

Five years He's got much more relentless Hit ratio For this podcast than a tour You'll be promoting your next tour on your fourth appearance on this podcast in 23rd and 5. You two will have retired.

I'll be going through my 2001-2011 phase. We're going, out of the kids, well, one's 22 and I've not spoken to them for two months. How are you? He's travelling somewhere. I'm sorry, I've got a really bad nose today. What's wrong with your nose? I've got head cold. I'm just really blocked up.

Alan, what one thing does your wife do as a parent that blows you away and you think is incredible and you just like to give a nice thanks for that and combine that with what one thing does she do that you haven't mentioned but it does annoy you about her parenting well it's almost the same thing which is she's extremely attentive to their teeth to their teeth there's a lot of dentistry they're looking after overlapping teeth and wonky teeth and teeth one of them had a tooth that wasn't coming down properly and was going sideways and that was going to be a problem and getting that all that stuff sorted out is absolutely her department and I'm full of admiration for that because there were problems ahead that have been sorted the flip side of that

is that a lot of work at the orthodontists costs an unbelievable amount of money so there's one thing I could change, it would be how much that cost. In her parenting, you would change the price of orthodontic treatment. The price of orthodontic treatment. That's what comes to mind. He's had to go back out on tour after 10 years to play for the orthodontist. The kids got immaculate teeth. You know, that episode of The Simpsons,

or they do the book of British teeth. Oh, yeah. No, not in our family. Thank you so much, Alan. Thank you. Good luck with the book and the rest of the tour. Both books are out now. You've done three books, actually, haven't you?

Yeah, there's another one from two. 2009 that no one read. Some of it's not bad. There's too much football in it. That's what put people in after. Should they do in a separate football book? Yeah. Well, 10 years.

See you in 10 years for that one. We'll talk to you about that then. Thank you, Alan Davis. It's always a joy. And Michael said it was May 2020. Wow. So it's over five years. Alan Davis.

Love Alan Davis. Yeah, his first book. I'm going to go back and read it. I was a bit nervous about reading it because I thought it might be too bleak. I read it and it was a very difficult read. but you're so well written, but I'm looking forward to reading this next one

where it's not all about the abuse, it's more what came next. It's about the one thing worse than that, which is stand-up comedy. Well, no, I think it gives a bit of inspiration that you can go through that horrible thing and then manage to create something of your life. And then in the third stage,

being reflective enough to understand that what drove that success also made him a little bit unhappy as well. So then he did all that to help his kids. What a guy. What a guy. Know what? That was quite interesting.

Oh. Do you do, do, do, whatever the fucking music is. Yeah, fucking hell. It gives a shit anymore. No one's listened to this podcast by this point. See you, Tuesday. Bye.