Parenting Hell with Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe - S11 Ep30 Pre Emptive Strike

Episode Date: January 11, 2026

More misadventures in parenting, life, and beyond with Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe... In this episode we discuss some recent D.I.Y. they've done. There's a new underwear upgrade debate (including a challenge for Producer Michael) And there's an update on the life and times of Chip the hamster... If you want to get in touch with the show with any correspondence, kids intro audio clips, small business shout outs, and more.... here's how: EMAIL: [e-mail] Follow us on instagram: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠@parentinghell⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Parenting Hell is a Spotify Podcast, available everywhere every Tuesday and Friday. Please subscribe and leave a rating and review you filthy street dogs... xx A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Whitickham. Welcome to Parent in Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, to make ourselves and hopefully you, feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern-day parenting, each week, we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or hopefully how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with your tips, advice, and of course,

tales of parenting woe. Because let's be honest, there are plenty of times where none of us know what we're doing. Hello, you're listening to Parent in Hell with Beckett, can you say, Josh Whitticum? Oh, Woodingham. Well, sir. Yes. Ernie sounds like a handful.

This is my 24-month-old, Ernie, attempting your names. We've now also got a three-month-old, Percy, so very good names, really in the throes of it. I've been listening to the pod since well before I became a mum. It's got me through the endless night feeds, car naps, and tough. days of tantrums. Thanks for all the last slides. Keep doing what you're doing. Emma, sorry, in Hastings.

Ernie and Percy. I like the names, but I just think school's going to be tough for Percy. No, Rob, this is... Percy Pig. Immediately. Percy Pig. I was thinking of Percy from Thomas Stankhamton.

It's literally the top, one of the top sweets kids know about. It is, it is. Oh, do you know what? Maybe I'm a little bit narrow-minded because I went to a school where if you was called Percy, your life's over. So maybe it's a bit more modern now.

I'm going to say it. Hastings, Rob. Yeah. It's DFL Central. It's full of Percy's. What's DFL? Down from London's. People who've moved out.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But this is a problem. It ain't. It's full of people from Hastings as well. You're going to get a couple of Persis and a few Abigail's and then you've got fucking Steve and Jason going, what's your fucking name? I love that Abigail's your example.

Kate. You call Kate. It's been a dramatic morning, Rob. At PHHQ. P-H-Q. I'd say at P-H-H-H-Q, it's been a fairly calm morning. I think it's been... Well, Michael's been asleep.

Well, yeah, he's been asleep, and I've had a lovely journey home, and I've chilled out for two hours. I'd say you've had more of a stress for morning. I've made it on time. I've made it on time. No, no. Well, we've got to...

Let's set the scene. We're recording this at 1 o'clock on Monday. Because both of us had tour shows last night. Yes. And we needed to get back. We needed to get back. And you were in... Where was that fucking hell?

Blackpool. Blackpool. You was in Blackpool and I was in Halifax. Have you done that theatre in Blackpool? It is a beaut. Yes, lovely. It's really nice. Yeah.

I haven't got a problem with a theatre. I don't know. And then I came out and there was a billboard. I don't think for that venue showing the Roy Chubby... Brown does a monthly residency in Blackpool. Wow. And Katie Hopkins is doing two nights on her tour. Yeah, I mean, it's a different audience to mine.

I'd say the theatre in Blackpool can't fault it. No. All your fans and audience that are in there, top draw. It's just when you leave and you see someone doing heroin in the alley next to the theatre, that's the juxtaposition. Do they want a selfie or not? He's in the back of a spoon. So using Blackpool, I was in Halifax.

So I drove from Halifax to Leicester, stayed overnight out on Erta Hotel on the M1, and then got up this morning and left and drove back. Yeah, got up at 7 a.m. Not really, no, just I got up at 7 a.m. Tired? Tired. Well, I'm tired from a busy week. Not tired from getting in a car at 7 a.m. needlessly.

I feel like you're coming out quite aggressively here, Josh, considering you're the person who missed their train and has pushed me. the start time. This is what was described in the Iraq war as a preemptive strike. So I got to my hotel at Leicester at midnight, went to bed, woke up at half six, I had a quick coffee, jumped in the car at seven, fell asleep in the car, got home about 10.

What? Did you have a shower? I had a shower the night before. Oh, okay. When I got into the hotel and then I got home about, what's that? What about the nights? Any sweat from the night? No, I don't sweat in the night.

Which is where I watch. It wouldn't make any difference than to wear a watch. You've really come out swinging. It's because I've got so much energy because I had a good lion. I'm buzzing. So, no, I'm fine. I'm not moaded. I'm not,

it's the only time I'm not mowed about me inside. Anyway, I've got him at 10. You messaged me and Michael saying that you're going to be late because the train you booked got cancelled. Yeah. But we speak a lot about your anti-buffer approach to life, where you got quite a late train from.

Burm, because you went from Blackpool to Birmingham, stayed every night, train from Birmingham to Exeter. But you got a, and I'd check the trains. There have plenty of trains you could have got earlier. You checked the trains. Who's coming out swinging now? Well, no, because I was just concerned about my start time. Do you know why I check the trains, Josh?

Because I thought, I'm not going to rush in the morning because I know he'll be late. Because even if he gets that train. He did rush. You got the 7 a.m. Yeah, but your train you booked to get got you into Exeter at 12, 25, before I got cancelled. 942, yeah. And so how far are you from this station?

Eight minutes. Eight minutes, walk or cab? Cab. Right, so you've got to get off the train, get in a cab. Yeah, so that's about 15 minutes, that's a whole procedure. So then that brings you to, what's that?

140. 140. And it gives you 20 minutes to get in your house and get a set. That is not a lot of buffer. It isn't a lot of buffer. I admit that. I had a decision to make.

I may have made the wrong decision. But you've seen all right. You've turned up on time. If you had a message, I know I shouldn't have message. That was the big mistake I made. Never. Yeah. I was sending a priming, I'll be late text.

Yeah. Shouldn't have done it. No. And then you came out swinging a little bit because I did question your buffer etiquette. Yeah, you did question my buffer etiquette. I just think your life could be more relaxed. I do think it could be. But I was so tired.

I thought I'll get a good sleep. A good sleep. rather than get an early train. But then you're a real contradiction, Josh, because you always tell me and the listener that you can't sleep in hotels. You can't possibly sleep because of the pillows and the bed and you can't sleep.

My own pillow now. Right. And mattress. And mattress. Yeah. So yeah, anyway, you've had a good sleep. I don't sleep well in hotels, but I was like, I'll sleep much worse

if I think I've got a gap at seven having got into the room at 1230. Got you. Yeah. Anyway, you've made it. I've made it. We're all good. I'm absolutely buzzing.

I've got big news. You look really wide in a good way. It doesn't seem manic. You just like, you love it. You're like, okay, right. I would say there's a little bit of a sharp energy. I am. Well, I've raced, haven't I?

So I'm still. Why have you raced? What's, what happened? Because I got in at 12 minutes to one. Is that what time your train got in? Yeah. So you've ran to the cab, got in a cab and got. So you're, so the handle broke on my suitcase.

Yeah, but Josh, you created Buffer by saying, can we do it at quarter past one? So even when we all agreed that there was buffer, you decided off your own back. But there's nothing to win. You've basically lost buffer again. I know, but I thought I don't want to be late. No, but you weren't going to be like. You started being early.

Well, nobody would be a corrective time. And then this intro would be all about how we were doing at 1.15 or 1 o'clock. You've really swirled that. Yeah, exactly. Anyway, so what's your book? You're here. You're refreshed. What's the big news?

Sad news. Oh, okay. Sad news. It's a real fucking relococative show moment. This is a one show gear change. I thought it was good news. No, no, it's big news, but it's sad news. Chip the hamster is in a better place.

Well, he's not in a better place, actually. Froman? No, he's, so he passed on to the other side. Oh, Chip the Hamsters died. Yeah. So Chip the Hamsters died. What was it, Bollock cancer, won't it? I think so, yeah.

I'm not going to get a post-mortem. It's a lot of money to spend. There's a lot of money to spend. To pay a vet to cut open what is a bollock that's twice the size of the hamster. I think you can make your own guesses of what's gone on there. So it was all very sad. And then I went away on Thursday. So when did you tell your daughter?

He died on Wednesday. Did she find him? No, my wife, Rose did. I rose did. Okay. Yeah. My wife. he'd um yeah he was natural causes presumably um you're right yeah i was just up checking it was

recording sorry yeah i assume it is natural causes yeah i mean yeah i can't suspect foul play it's not we're not in an epstein situation no where it'll never really be resolved yeah um i wouldn't compare him small and furry though my daughter made a box like to bury with like you know nice messages about how we love him and blah blah blah really nice one and a half

oh so not what they live for two didn't they yeah so you know the equivalent of dying at about like 50 60 I suppose yeah that's a shame yeah too young whatever the good go young but um anyway I got tax some rows on Thursday.

Your wife? My wife. They'd gone to bury the hamster. But the ground was frozen, Rob. Oh. It was too hard. So you couldn't even bury the hamster? So he's currently in the freezer.

Oh, no. Oh, that's horrible, isn't it? So that's your job today? Is it to soften the ground? I don't know, because I've only got in two minutes ago, so I haven't really talked about it yet. You've really got a building, burying hamster buffer? Yeah, I know.

I need to fix my lawnmower. That broke and now, yeah, the grass is grown. It's just a nightmare, isn't it? It's unbelievable. Yeah, so we've kind of got a hamster in the freezer. I had to fix the toilet when I got in. Did you? Yeah, the screw.

Well, I've been doing some DIY, Rob. Yeah. So what's the play with the hamster? You're just going to bury it at some point today? Well, I don't know. Have you got the day off now? Wow, yeah, I'm doing this, but then this will take me to pick up. School pickup, yeah.

School pick up, yeah. Maybe, ball the kettle, pour it on the ground, Yeah, that's a good idea. That's a good idea. How deep do you need to go, though? I suppose you just have to keep. Just a poem and a couple of tears. Wouldn't overthink it.

Yeah, I think you want to go pretty deep also, because we're going to get the garden done. We've got to choose a bit where the garden, where it's not going to get dug up in the next six months. Are you having work done? Not a huge amount, but we have the beds done and stuff. Yeah, because you don't want it to go. You don't want it to go too shableness.

and then a fox gets it. Exactly. Because they will. Yeah. So we've got to, oh God, the whole thing's stressful. Could you just pretend you've buried it and just put it in the bin? No. No, okay.

Sorry? Yeah, I wouldn't. Someone else said to me as an idea. That's not. It's good to rule that out, yeah. Yeah, yeah. It's not my idea, but that's what I imagine a really horrible person might suggest. I don't.

I thought, I, we discussed this, Rob, that I am more affected by the deaths of pets than I should be and maybe you're less effective by the deaths of pets than you should be. Yeah, I think sometimes, I don't feel like I am, especially a hamster. I mean, dog and cats different, isn't it? But hamster's like, I still feel it. I still feel it. It's bad. So even you, and it's not, because it's not your hamster. It's like the daughter wanted it. And you, so you're so far and sweet. So, what, are you going to get another one? Or are you that done now? Well, we currently in short talks about that. You've got to get one from the place I've got. I make they're so good.

What do you mean? It's their hand reared. I've told you about this. Oh, yeah, yeah. And they're massive and those are on sitting your shoulder like a parrot. Yeah, that does sound good. Yeah, why do you think you get so upset by it? I mean, I'd be upset if my daughter was upset.

No, to be honest, I'm more upset than my daughter. Oh, really? Well, she was all right to start with, but my son was hit bad because he then started thinking about us dying. Yeah, but then that was. That's what pets are good for. They make kids realize you will die. And then he's like, are you going to die?

And then he said, I don't want to be left in this house with no one to look after me. Oh, Jesus. Oh, my God. Yeah. That is awful. Yeah, that's horrible. That's grim. Fucking hell.

Yeah. Glad I logged on. That's why I race back to tell you that. Yeah, yeah. Thank God we got that on the airway. Thank God we've recorded and edited that and put that in the world forever. Yeah. But you know what?

That's like. That's life. Hamsters will die. Oh, Chip. I have done some DIY, Rob. Oh, go on. So, because I'm building a room to do podcasts. How have you had time, though?

You've been very busy. Well, at home, I've been sticking, doing the ceiling of the podcast room, the soon-to-be podcast room, Rob. Okay. So I've soundproofed the ceiling with tiles, which I had to cut round. Yeah?

Yeah. Can you see them? Oh, hello. Did you do that yourself? Yeah. That looks like the roof of a lot on it, in 60s office block. I love it. I know it does look like, it does look quite depressing, doesn't it?

That's all soundproofed. That's the soundproof. And you can cut around the fire alarm. And it even cut around the fire thing, yeah. Oh, damn, Josh. I know. And all, one side, if you look on the first picture, I had to, I've had to trim some down on one side. That's very good.

We should put that on Instagram and get reviews from a tradespeople. Yeah, I was very impressed with that. bit lower than others though. They're not, it's not flush, is it? Well, no, no, they're slightly, it's not that they're lower. It's that they aren't lined up as much because the wall

is not, it's Georgian lines and it's not totally... Famously, the Georgians, they don't give a shit about soundproof it, did they? They didn't know. They didn't know what was coming. They didn't know what was going to happen to this beautiful building. Exactly. The man was going to have to soundproof it so everyone everyone could hear about the death of his hamster

in clear. But you don't even that room at the moment, that's getting ready for the room. That's getting ready. That's getting ready for the big, you know, maybe when we've got some big plans for this podcast, or you're very much ahead of me in that stage. I've done nothing. I need to sort out a room that's better. I'm getting the tiles sent across. You're sending me the soundproof tiles. Yes, you are. Yeah, so it's exciting times. It is exciting. Well done, Josh. Good work. How has parenting been for you this week? Parenting this week. This week, I have been so busy. This week I've done. This week I've done five gigs, two TV shows, three TV shows, two podcasts.

Oh my God. And I've not seen my children. It's really bad. I'm really missing them, actually. It's shit, isn't it? But I do have some other things that have sort of happened. I haven't had a nice time on Catsust's Countdown or something. I've changed my underwear.

Sorry, what? I've been a Calvin. yeah i've been a calvin klein boxer brief guy the supportive boxer yeah so but but i've got big thighs so ones that go a bit longer not the little ones that cut in you know like i think it's called not box a boxer brief or boxers right okay yeah yeah yeah but tywin clines though the classic calvictin yeah yeah my groin is 19908 yeah yeah um i've been having them for years and do you know what i've I've been starting picking them out of my thigh a little bit and a bit uncomfortable. And then a friend of mine, I'm going to name him, Andy.

My Andy said to me, he went, because he was a Calvin Klein boy. And he went, I've changed pantsop. And it's changed my life. And I was like, what? And he went under all, under, they're called under armour. Yeah, yeah. What the, um, sports brand. Sports brand, under armour performance boxer jock.

I think they're called a boxer jocky. I'm out on the word jock. I'm sorry. No, jockey. Under a jockey. Performance. Right. And they're not paying.

This is not an advert. It's not like a sneaky. No, don't worry about that, Rob, because it's not going to add to sales. You, mate, the man of men watching this have probably got smelly, sweaty arces and their pants are too tight. They're probably going to be too tight. They look awful. No, you're, you've got yours like a fucking broke tent in a gale. Yeah.

Actually, I ever get them cut in? No. No, but that's because you've got your little skinny little hobbit legs. mate not got big old big berth of fires like me sorry why are you going with a tight brief because it stretches and it's got this like material that's like oh you might as well just wear a why front no oh gosh that's disgusting i'm telling you now they are so thin i'm not sweating in them at all under armor performance tech mesh boxer no no no mate they're outright get a pair of trial and they're amazing they're so soft you don't even know you've got them all josh can i tell you something now

This is a bit disgusting. Every single tour show for the last 15 years of my life, I have to come off stage at the interval. Do you know what? The first thing I do is, change your pants? No, I go in and wipe the sweat out of my ass.

What? Thank you. There one, do you change tour manager every tour? Do you know what I've been up to now? I started implementing... TikTok. No?

Just looking at your phone on TikTok for an extra 30 seconds. There is no sweat. I used to think my arsehole was a problem. It wasn't. the pants. Well, so just get a breathable. Which I have, TechMesh performance. Let me talk to you about the Sunspell boxer.

No, they're too much. It's not having a loose dough. What I've got is a fitted mattress sheet. What you have is not fitted bed sheet. You're not a mattress. You're a dick and anus. I'm mainly thigh. You're mainly thigh.

Michael, what do you wear? Can I talk in defence? of the sunspel pants. Google sunspell pants, Rob. Don't they get caught up in, like up your thigh and caught in, like you're picking them out, your corner of your leg.

So the sunspell box are shorts. I think we've just got different bodies. I think we have and that's fine. Yeah, so you need sunspel. This is what this works. Like, Michael, I tell you, Michael's going to love these. You might recognise the sunspell, Rob.

Why is that? And these couldn't appeal to me more. Do you remember a advert in a 25 quid per, per pant. Yeah, I know. It's the best money I've ever spent. Fair enough.

Yeah. The stretchy ones are the baggy ones? The baggy ones. Oh no, they're old grandad. Your bollocks hanging out in them. They're not. How long do you think my bollocks are? Yeah, but you've got,

I think my thighs are too thick to deal with those. So those, I'd have to get really big around the waist because the bottom bit won't stretch. Right, I see. That's why probably, we'll be tight and dig in. I thought about going commando, Rob. No, no, no, no, no. because then I'd worry that I'd sweat through the trouser.

I need buffer, as we've discussed. Have you thought about just strapping sponges around your anus and penis? I've thought about it. I've got a liposuction on me and a thigh. I've thought about that because whatever I do, it's either massive and soft or massive and hard. You've got childbearing hips. And whatever I do at the gym, the legs just go rock hard or soft.

They don't get smaller. Right, I see, I see. Go on. So. Can we go back to Michael quickly? He was one of the Calvin Klein boys like me and Andy. What's your vibe now, Michael? Yeah, historically, I've always been Calvin Klein,

mostly because of the film Back to the Future. Well, that's why I'm Sunspelt. Do you know what I'm Sunspelt? Why? Because of Dad's Army? It's the Baker of Ten. No, do you know the Levi's advert where he goes into the laundrette? There's all his clothes in the washing machine.

That is, Sunspell provided those pants. That is the famous pants. Right. They've got a filmic history. Anyway, carry on multi-muth fly. I've forwarded on the pants I've bought to Michael, and I think he should buy the same and report back. Michael, why don't you buy some of each and have a lovely day?

I think that, do you know what? You can take it out the business, buy one pair of each and spend the day in each. Yes, that's a great idea. Okay. Genuinely, I'm willing to do this. I'm going to do two separate days in both for two reasons. I think your body shape is more similar to Rob's than mine. I've definitely got quite, let's call them powerful thighs.

You have got powerful thighs. I suspect we have similar issues in that sense. Yeah, absolutely. So I wear two different types of boxer shorts. I had been historically Calvin Klein, no, Calvin Klein for everything. But I think I'd had similar issues with Rob in that if you do any kind of exercise or sport. It's the 21st century, so no one wears them anymore.

All right, fucking Levi's from the 90s. Looking around listening to Babylon Zoo, Space Man, buying your new pants. I do know Levi's as well, actually. So I now wear, instead of the Calvin Clown, I wear Tom Ford for like day-to-day. Oh, fuck. Yeah, it is.

Don't take that out of the business. No, thank. You're not financing that. Yeah, back in way, fair, minge. I was brought them as a gift, and once you've gone, once you've gone there, it's very difficult to then go back. It's like turning left on the plane, isn't it? You can never go right again.

Yeah, once you've, yeah. Once your helmets tasted that thread count, it's game over. You get that in bedding, don't you? Like, bedding's the same. Once you've had good bedding, it's difficult to go. Right, so your day-to-day's Tom Ford. Jesus, God. But then if I play sport, if I play football, which I do most weeks twice a week,

that's it. You cannot wear Calvin Clines or a nice boxer short for that. So I was recommended Lulu Lemons by someone, which I think probably are very similar to the underarmor in that whatever science happens in there, I finish football drier having sweated than when I start football in that. I don't know what happens. It's new technology. I can't be using chat GPT, but still be wearing the same pants that I've worn for 20 years. Everything's got to move on. Do you know what I mean?

So, Michael, I think I'd love for you to do the test, sun spill. the... But then there's a secondary test. He needs to wear him again washed because you always got to judge your pants on the second wash. Right, yeah, yeah. Because they can shrinkage and stuff like that. How often do you wash jeans?

Have we discussed this? I think we may have, but not very often. I don't really wear jeans that much anymore. What I know is you dress like you're on stage when you're traveling. Yes, I do. You have the same outfit all the time, really, don't you? No, I don't, no. So this is what I've started doing.

I started last night, Rob. God. And you'll like this. Will I? I got a pair of brand-new trainers. Yeah. And I gave them to my tour manager. And I said, take these around with the tour and I can just wear them every night.

So I've got clean trainers on stage. Yeah, good idea. Very good decision. Yeah. I wouldn't wear this t-shirt on stage. This is a travel t-shirt. Okay. But I would wear this jacket.

Yeah. But I don't feel comfortable. You travel like, I once saw Kerry Coton on a flight and she was in like a full track suit. And that's how I travel. That is how I travel. That is how I travel. And do you know what? It's so comfy.

Yeah. I bet it is. But you can, if you're comfortable wearing a full track suit. You didn't too much Elton John if you were a full track suit. Yeah.

Got Elton John's had some good work. Must have been Kim Kardashian's mom's surgeon, was it? Chris Jenner. Oh, I fucked that up. That joke would have worked if I knew what her name was. I fucking added too much in that set up.

Pathetic. Have a day off. yeah so to be fair parenting wise I've been added to I realized I wasn't on the kids new school year WhatsApp groups because I thought it would have gone a bit quiet but they'd set up a new one and not included me

oh my God why because at the moment never there I mean it's pointless anyway but it's quite intense back and forth is it well yeah there's a lot a lot goes into it and a lot of people chipping in with like little bits of banter

when all it is is this is what they need to do this week. Oh, thanks so and so. But they'll chuck in a little joke. Sometimes about politics or about the school. Politics feels a real gamble. Really? Really.

No one wants that. No, there was a one where it said, was it? Oh, the school, like, it's maths week or something. So the kids can wear a number at school that day. And then everyone was saying, oh, can it be like, does it have to be like a badge or an accessory, you have a number on it? Or could it be a football kit with, you know,

the number on the back? You know, because it makes a difference between like a badge and an entire outfit if they're going into school and stuff like that. The joke was, I don't mind saying it. This is more ambiguous than Rachel Reeves plans the budget, which I think that's sort of fine. But he said he called a Rachel Thieves. Oh, no. Oh, no. Whereas like, the throwaway joke of the budget is fine.

But Thieves is like, oh, let's not have sides here. Can we just find out what my child needs to wear to school this week? also I do think whatever side of the political argument you're on the moment you're coming up with a lame nickname for someone you've lost yeah I just think this is a racial thieves I was just like it makes you want to vomit but yeah it's a bit like people are like Liz Trust the lettuce you know oh fuck off I know it's too yeah so either side whatever side do I'm just the

whereas if actually that works pretty well if you just go and be good just and Rachel Reeves's budget it's like oh yeah because that he's in the news. We can all know that we don't know what's going to happen. Some of us might use it. Yeah. Some of us might open the show with it in Coventry. So it sounds a bit like, oh, I'm not sure about the palm, but it's a bold move.

Can I ask you on this? At what point, and I think this is a difficult one, are you saving a parent's number? Because I don't want to be saving, like, I don't want to be so many numbers on my phone. Yeah, I think Playday or Birthday parties is, when you save it, but then you just sort of find it on the, on the group. But it is, it must be hard because I've never, you've done it. I've never changed the kids' schools, right? So it must be very difficult to go into a new WhatsApp group and be like,

hi guys, I'm this person. And then knowing what the, the, the chat is or what the banter is or who's friends with who. You have to sit back. You have to sit back. A hundred percent. You're like a, you're a batsman who's come out to bat and he just needs to bat out and over to feel the pitch. Just a hundred percent.

Because no one's. come out swinging. No one's looking at the WhatsApp figure and, you know, whatever their name is. Oh, Jason's mum's not done any laughy, smiling faces at any of the messages yet. Exactly. You know, no one's waiting for it. You just don't have to. I am still in Rob, the old WhatsApp group from the previous school. Now that I think that's odd. I've archived it. Yeah, but why are you still there? Because I just, I'm friends with the people there. I thought it's too big a deal to just go, goodbye.

Oh, huge deal. absolutely huge deal to leave a WhatsApp group that sends information about a school your kid's not in, you weirdo. I've now gone into the archive and I'm reading these messages that I haven't read about Christmas cards day.

Josh, I don't even want to be in the one that my kid's in. Why are you in one that's a different school? You're not very good at letting go, are you? I'm not very good at letting go. You can't... No shit. Fry and over chip.

I'm going to dig a hole for hamster. Through tears. Yeah, you're not good at saying goodbye, are you? No. Why is that, do you think? Because I hate time going through my fingers like sand. Are you sucking them in?

It's a cinnamon thing. I've got a really sore throat. I shout too much on stage and it's a problem. And I've had, if I do too many gigs in a row, my throat is absolutely savage. You're right. Okay, no, I just wanted because I could hear something clinking around in your mouth. Sorry. It's right.

Sorry, I think it's better to reference it. than just the listener. My throat is in shreds. So why are you so scared about saying goodbye? Let's talk about this. Well, because I don't want to die. No, but no one wants to die, do they? No, but obviously I feel it stronger than you.

I think you'll be fine. Well, no, you know, I don't, the dying's are fine, but you just want other people to die. If you're dead, you're gone. I was having this discussion with Matthew Crosby on Friday that I'm not, whether I'm not scared of New,

war. Because if everyone dies, I'm fine with it. Yeah. It's the FOMO I don't like. Of everyone else carrying on without me. Right. Okay. If the world all blew up tomorrow,

so be it. Right, okay. I'm all right with that for some reason. But you're not okay with leaving a WhatsApp group from an old school. No. Because you've made the effort to archive it, where it would have been just as quick to go, bye guys, leave.

Yeah, but it's more of a statement. statement, isn't it, to say by and leave? Or just leave, then? Well, it'd be weird to leave now because it shouldn't announce it on WhatsApp when you leave. I think that is a really weird feature. Well, no, it's just, it's not real. So I've got a WhatsApp group back in my tour, and then when I was in Australia, they added the Australian tour manager in and he was chipping in and out,

and then when I got back, I just kicked him out the group. Yeah, that's fine. Yeah, is that okay, yeah? Yeah, but like... So would it be better if someone kicked you out of the group? No, well, it's fine, it's archived. I can't even see it. You know?

apart from occasionally when I think, I wonder if they're still worrying about the lunches not being eaten enough by the kids. Oh, I'll just go ahead of it. Or do you wonder, oh, who's going to host the next quiz? Is it going better than me? That did come up. So hang on, if it's archive, why are you reading it?

Because you just brought it up, and I thought, oh, I wonder how many messages I've missed. I went and clicked on it. Oh, so you saw it just then? Yeah. Oh, that's convenient, isn't it? You managed in that time to read the one about the quiz and you haven't been actually looking at them.

It's because the one about the quiz was a picture of the quiz flyer. Right, okay, fair enough. Yeah, yeah. Where else you got archive there? Ex-relationships? Do you want to take you through my archives? Cancel TV shows?

No, I don't archive them because no one posts in them. Also, I haven't got enough memory. I've got a stag do that I went to the first night of or not the second, and I thought it would be, so I just archived it when I left on the first night. Right. The nursery from London. Okay. The Dad's Book Club from Clown.

Captain that I went to twice and then left. Oh yeah. To be fair, I do have loads of mad groups that I'm still in, but I've archive where you just do that rather and leave? Yeah. I've blocked people. An old Glastonbury group, some kind of Halloween group. I've got a message here from someone up blocks.

It says, pathetic, mate. I'm just going to use someone else now. It's that? Commissioner of BBC, I think. I don't know. I think they might have had the wrong number, and they're messaging like a builder or something. Right.

They think's ignoring them. Yeah, fine. Yeah. Do write in if you've got some good archived groups. Michael, what are you got? There's a lot of pressure on Michael. Archive I mostly use for chats that I'm sort of ignoring. Yeah, because if you leave, it's more of a statement.

So have you got archived? So I had a group, right? I've still got a group. Because I think you should be leaving the school one, but you should be archiving ones like the current school. So if you're the current school, you've got the information one, and there's a dad's meet up and drink one that you don't have been involved in. You need to stay in that one to save face,

but archive it so you don't get distracted. Whereas the old school one, you need to be leaving. Yes. Because it's weird that you're lurking. I don't mean. It's weird. I think it's weird. If a kid, my kid's school and the parents were still on the group,

I'd find that's weird. That's lurking. They can kick me out. They're more than welcome to. Okay. Yeah. Now, if they actually heard this and did, you'd be upset. yeah well i wouldn't know because it's archived you'll check next week oh definitely will now after this chat

sorry michael what she's saying i use it for stuff that i don't want to address immediately so for instance oh my word there's a five aside of WhatsApp group and people are seeing who's available to play if i know i'm not playing that week yeah i'll just pop that into the archive otherwise it's getting pumped full of messages all day long you're bringing them in and out of an archive because for me archive there's no coming back from archive for me so you're used it as a squadron rotation system, Michael. Yeah. Yeah. And also I have read receipts turned off because I don't like people know my business. Yeah. But if you're in a group, you can't do that. So what I don't want is someone who I'm ignoring, replying on a solo one, me accidentally opening a group that he's in.

And they go, well, he's double ticked that one. He's not got back to me, the prick. So I'll sort of for the safety of not the accidental click. Do you know what? Here's the thing. The worst is when you text someone and they don't reply to you and you can see they're active in a WhatsApp group and then like messaging in a WhatsApp group that makes me so angry I can see you're on your phone do you ever say that in the group no no bit bottle it up I think your new resolution should be just calling people out when you feel the anger just call them on it okay yeah fine I will would that cause you stress or would you find that liberating uh both okay that's true progress isn't that is true progress that's what david bowie said about you know in it about creativity you want to be

out somewhere where you're in the sea but your feet don't quite touch the bottom but you're not too deep you're not too shallow exactly exactly um and that's what i want to see more from you next year okay okay well that's good i've got do you want to know maybe i'll try and do that a bit more oh god um i'm just looking for my notes you ready for this go on i've got some more parenting oh please we've got vat nan it's basically about my bollocks chips bollocks and all you What's that, bollards? Yeah. Do you know what?

That's an old one. I don't remember what those notes are. Oh, yeah. I wanted to ask you about this, Rob. It's not parenting. Is that a problem? No, it's fine. We can only talk about what we can talk about, Josh.

We're just at a busy period. Yeah. Wedgys at school. Okay. I wanted to ask if this is an national thing or if it was just my school. Go on. Because I remembered it. And then I thought, I wonder if other people did that.

So we had two levels of wedgy. Okay. Did you used to do it? do wedgies. It's on the pants topic actually. Not really. No, not like sort of Bart Simpson, like, like, shorts man kind of wedgy vibes. It was more just, you'd beat some, the people just get beaten up. So there was, right, there was a trend for wedgies in school.

No, we do peanutting. What's peanutting? Where you pull their tie, really tight. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then it goes to a tiny little peanut. Yeah, that's so annoying, isn't it? That happened a lot. Yeah. Yeah, that happened a lot. So you, I wanted to know whether atomic wedgies had left my school. Is that when they pull your pants over your head?

No, it's where people put coins down people's pants and then give them a wedgy. No, that is, that's sexual assault. It basically is. And then occasionally hang them on a door while giving them an atomic wedge. Oh, no, that's quite hard. That, yeah. Yeah. So I just, I just thought about atomic wedge.

I've never heard of the, I thought atomic wedge was when you pulled it over. Over the head, like, and you put it over the, yeah. No. I didn't see many of them. a man, a man, a boy at school, set a girl's hair on fire in a lunching in a gun. I saw someone be put in a bin and he got stuck and only his legs were out. I've seen someone putting a bin. Look at that little turtle.

Yeah, I saw someone being putting a bin and rolled down a hill. It's awful. It's really funny, isn't it? If you sort of completely remove yourself from the psychological abuse, that probably just close off all emotions. Yeah, yeah. And then put them on a hamster 30 years later, that's fine. Yeah.

so no I've never heard that an atomic wedgy oh we are asking parents for our ice skating party to help get boots on Lou voice memos me to thank me for this yes well she's to thank me actually I've I messaged it back to her from you

well do you want to hear the voice memo yeah she slag off she shaved my back the other day thank God she shaved your back did we not get any people giving it off the black set I know, Josh, I haven't got time and they'll talk a good game. They cannot remove this fair. The waxers, not the lasers, the waxes.

I'm not getting it waxed. I'd have it laced or, I'm not going somewhere to have it waxed every couple of years. No, I don't want somebody in my house warming up hot wax to rub it all over my back and rip it off. That's some sort of sex matter. I'll just get my luck. Is this wife to see you in the garden?

Just she'll be in the garden and like a little sheep. And is it just the back? It's not the front as well. The front gets hairy. That needs a bit of work as well, but I can do that. But then I can't do a struggle when it's like above the nipple. Okay, yeah. Because I can't see.

So she will do that top being shoulders in the back. Oh, my God. I know, it's horrible. It's disgusting, but that's what I am. Were you married before it started? I had a bit of back hair, but obviously it's really pumped along in the last 10. Yeah, yeah. Of course.

Big time. Fair enough. Yeah. You got the voice memo. What did she say? She's done so much solo parent. Afternoon, I just wanted to send a quick preemptive thank you for the ice skating tips because I don't know what kind of crack I was on that day,

but it hadn't occurred to me to trying to get 18 children's ice skating boots on. I was going to make me want to gouge my own eyes out. So I'm going to message all the parents and ask them to stay. at least until they've got their boots on and then throw in the offer of teas and coffees for anyone that wants to stand on the edge. Or, you know, maybe mystery prizes for any adults I can coerce onto the ice.

Here we go. Before you know it, you've got 18 adults on the ice. I'm thinking. That's the answer, isn't it? But, yeah, I think we're going to be all right on penguins, though, because it's a temporary ice rink. Yeah. 15-year-olds who don't care. Fair enough. They're going to wing out penguins with abandon.

She says, she hopes. Quite a loose penguin policy. Yeah, thank you for that. Really, really, really useful. That's the first time I've ever done anything useful, Rob. That's the first time I've ever done anything useful. Yeah, and that was brilliant. So thank you.

You're going to make a young girl's birthday even better. Yeah. Well, how many parents do you think will stay? To be fair, I think they'll come and help get the boots on and then go off. Yeah. Because there's places to go shopping and get a drink. So it's quite a good little, it's not a bad little. As birthday parties go,

the setup of it is pretty good for a parent to drop off, there's places to go and hang out or they can stay and watch, or they can do some shopping. Just before Christmas, yes please, back home by midday, Bosch. How's your Christmas shopping going? Oh, that's not even entered my brain. Right. Okay.

Lou's taking the lead. Yeah. Doing basically all of it. What you buy in Lou. Or do without saying it. Have you thought about it? Well, we're not going to do proper presents because we're going to have a holiday.

So that's going to be our holiday, the present to each other, rather than just buying a load of stuff that we're not really sure each other's like. So we're going to have a holiday next year. That's going to be our sort of presents. That's your present. But we did say we're going to get one present each for each other. I do have an idea of what it is. But if I tell you, she'll hear.

Yeah, yeah. Don't tell me. Don't tell me. I try tell you and we'll bleep out and then you can react. It's the longest bleep ever. I thought it's going to be like that. It's not my fault. Vibrators these days.

I've got really long names. So, beep this out, Michael. I mean, I don't know if this is good podcasting or not. But I think she might like that. And what does it do? It just sort of... Oh, you can't say. Well, yeah.

I quite fancy that myself. I might buy one now, Rob. Yeah, so I think she'll like that. I think it's a good thing to get. Yeah, that is good. You're going to get the double-ended one or just a... Blunt. I think that it's self-lobes is a genuine step forward.

Absolutely. Yeah. And what about you? Have you done yours? Have you got your sword? I've sent to Rose what I'd like. Okay. Just some small things.

Yes. Like clothes? Wellies. Oh, wellies. You want wellies? I want wellies. Really? Country size.

Yeah. What kind of will you want? I quite want walking boots. They're not wellies. No, I know this was a separate thing. Oh, okay. Cool. So, look, do you want some advice from McCut?

country boy yeah um yeah you must have some wellies yeah so i got i i used to just have the cheap ones you know like the cheap ones at the front of a garden center yeah yeah i did then you got some with some little frog's eyes on the front um i because there's hunters are like the sort of ones that are a bit more famous at like festivals weren't they yeah yeah yeah they're a bit voguey for my taste so i've got these i think you're like these they're a little bit sort of um have you got fur inside no that i haven't but i would have them if they did them but you might might be how to them, but I got these free when I did a Robin Rom Mets shoot. We needed a big, like, posh wellies for a summer.

We would do clay pigeon shooting. And it's Le, L-E-C-H-A-U-A-U, and they're like fancy. L-E-E-C-A-U-S. And they're like expensive, very expensive, but nice, posh, wellies. Le Chimot. I think they're French, but they are really comfy, because sometimes wellies can be all sweating orable. Yeah, oh, look at them.

Yeah. And how often do you wear your wellies, Rob? In the winter, quite a lot, actually, if I'm just going out and going to go. Yeah, and doing the bins. But I'm more wear the walking boots, to be fair, if I'm going for a long walk. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wellies are good if you're going in the garden or whatever. But for a long walk, I'd get some, maybe some hokers.

They're pretty good. H-O-K-A. The problem I get with asking for something for Christmas that I need is I'm essentially saying this thing I could just, that I should just buy because I need well, I mean, I'm basically saying, well, I won't have that for Christmas. December. Well, that's the thing. That's the reason why we don't really sort of do presents anymore. It's just like, well, it's like... It's a middle age thing, isn't it? Yeah, it's just like, well, do I, am I just thinking of something that I don't really need or need? Because

the main, the truth is, the main thing we need at this age is a bit of time on our own. Exactly. Or a bit of just chill out of time. You can't, you? Can't un-wrap that, can you? Can't bloody unwrap time? Can you? Let's tell Chip. Oh, my God. Sorry, sorry, to bring it down again. Could we dedicate the episode to it, Michael? In love it. How do you dedicate an episode in... Yeah, you can't have a client of them. Because normally you need it all black and white and silent and says in memory of... Yeah, minutes. Maybe we could have the last post.

This episode is in memory of Chip the Hamster, who lived from 2003... To 2020. Currently still in the freezer? What's that used for in the last post? Dead is Lycam Remembrance Day, isn't it? Yes, on the horn. Got you. Yeah. Yeah, well, that's a chip everyone.

Yeah, I should have faded that out, really. But it was quite an abrupt stop. I liked it. Right, do you want to do some small business, yeah? Yeah. Hi, Josh. I'm really hoping this reaches you. It did.

Well, you've got a in-person one. I've got an in-person one. By the way, someone made me a lovely hoodie are with their Plymouth Argyle shirts embroidered on the front and you'd already got one from them with Arsenal shirts maybe or something on the front. Yeah, and they, in the lector, in Stockton, they said what an amazing, loads of people have bought stuff

of the small business. So thank you to our listeners for continuing to support these people. Yeah, well done, guys. Because it doesn't work unless you guys all buy something or order it. So well done. I've handmade a couple of Christmas crowns for your two kiddos. They're great, these Christmas crowns. So they're like nice kind of, not knitted,

like sewn and stuffed crowns for Christmas. I thought you might like the chance of getting a sneaky small biz shout out by bypassing Michael. Sorry, Michael. Do you get angry when that happens, Michael? Like if someone contacts me and I have to tell my agent. No, not at all. He couldn't give a shit, mate.

He's sat there in Tom Fould Pants in New York, living in the life of Riley. to do slightly less. My biz is Cornish homemade. That's the name of it, one word. And it all started as a way of therapeutic relief when my dad was very ill with cancer in 2016. It's been a labour of love,

but I make free motion embroidered decorations, pictures, and celebration crowns. I would be so thrilled if you give my biz a little mention, but no worries, if not, too late. I really hope your kiddos love the crowns, and you and your family have a blessed Christmas love from Lucy Leach, Cornish-Homade. Etsy.com. Nice.

Cornish-comade. Etsy.com. They're lovely, crowns in lovely colours, homemade, Cornish-Homemaid at Etsy.com. Right, I've got one here. Hi, Rob, Josh and Michael. I'd like to give a small business shout out to my very talented friend, Sarah. She runs a business called Framlings that makes amazing keepsakes. She uses polymer clay. Is that right?

Polymer? Yeah, I think it is. I think it is. Polymer. P-O-L-Y-M-E-R. Polymer's is his wife, isn't it? Polymer. Polymer clay to make little heads that look like your loved ones,

family friends, pets, you name it, she makes it. You can turn the little heads into frames, key rings, wine charms, cake-toppers, anything you can think of. She's so talented and I'm so proud of her. Check out her Instagram on Framlings. That's F-R-A-M-E-L-N-G. and find her on Etsy as framlings. Thank you very much.

Susie from Starrington, West Sussex. So have I got framings. Oh, they're cool, wouldn't they? They look a bit like, a little bit like they've made cartoon characters of your family. Oh, here we go. So they can do a whole picture of like the family in a little frame. Oh, really nice.

Two great small businesses, go out and support them. Rob, I'll see you. She could do one for Chip. Rob, it's been a pleasure. I loved it. See you next week. This is dedicated to Chip the hamster. He passed away this week with a giant bollock.

He's soon to be buried. He's currently lying next to fish fingers. He's lying in state at the moment. That's what they call it. Everyone queuing up. Yeah. In hell fans, queuing up to see him. I couldn't believe.

I wondered why Philip Schofield was in the kitchen. Oh, parenting. how listeners recognize that voice? Yes, it's Josh Widdickham here. I have got a new podcast, Josh Whittickham's Museum of Pop Culture, and I'm going to say it. I'm about 85% sure you're going to love it. Here are the reasons why. Number one, I'm confident if you're listening now, you don't hate me, and possibly think I'm funny. Number two, I'm confident if you're listening now, you like podcasts. Number three, I'm confident if you're listening to me and Rob, you prefer pop culture to people talking about things, let's be honest, boring things like history.

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