Parenting Hell with Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe - S12 EP45: Chat 'N That

Episode Date: June 9, 2026

More misadventures in parenting, life, and beyond with Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe... in this episode Josh checks into the bleakest hotel sounding hotel room in existence. ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠���⁠⁠⁠Parenting Hell⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ is a Spotify Podcast, new video episodes available everywhere every Tuesday and Friday. Please subscribe and leave a rating and review you filthy street dogs... If you want to get in touch with the show with any correspondence, kids intro audio clips, small business shout outs, and more.... here's how: EMAIL: [e-mail] Follow us on instagram: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠@parentinghell⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Hello, you're listening to Parents in Hell with... Ozzie. Can you say, Ron? And can you say George Whittaker? It's a lot more joyous listening to that than a hairy-pitted 16-year-old going. That is odd. Ozzy real name Oswin or Oswin in case he wants to be a doctor or something proper. Having a go at your name is from the bath.

Oswin? Osw-I-N. Never heard of that name in my life. No. What was Ozzy Osbourne called? Obviously Ozzy comes from the surname so I don't know what his first name was. Hold cooler. What's that from? My mum always used to say that.

Oh yeah. Is that from a sitcom? What's that? I quite the ass Gemini. Hey, Jim? Should I quite the ass Gemini? Yeah. Gemini.

Ozzy Osbourne's first name and where is the phrase hold caller from? Ozzy Osbourne's first name is John. The phrase hold caller isn't a common one so I'm not sure where it's from. Could you provide more context? My mum used to say it. She also says better than Shanks' pony.

What's that mean? The phrase better than Shanks' pony is a humorous way to say walking. Shanks' pony refers to your own legs So it's basically implying walking is the best way to travel, often in a playful way. Just to be clear to the listeners, that we weren't even paid for that. That's how we live our lives. So we've been listening since the beginning and you've definitely demystified the terrifying prospect of parenthood for us,

provided much entertainment on many long car journeys to visit our families who all live several hours away. Thanks for your honesty, humour and occasional wisdom. Keep it sexy and relatable, lots of love. Adam, Vinny and Ozzy. Yeah, that is a thing. Your family will disown you and move away if you call your child Oswin. Do you know what?

I just moved the mic then. Yeah? That's that too much. I don't mean that. It's been fun. Yeah, it's fine. You haven't done one wishes podcast, have you? No, not yet. Not a fan. No, I am a fan, actually. I do like it. I do like it. You don't have to be a fan. No, I'm a fan of it. It comes up on my algorithm. It does come up on my algorithm as well. What's going on there? He's become part of the machine. plugged into the Matrix. He's plugged into the Matrix. He's part of the Illuminati. I saw him another day,

and I walked up to him, he did that symbol, you know, the little sort of Rockefeller sort of diamond shit. Then he came down and put it in my lips, I went, shh, baby, you're mine now.

And then he slapped my ass and walked off. And I went, well, yeah. He does this thing, which I was very impressed with. What's that? If he laughs, he'll lean forward and laugh and he'll move his mic out.

So he's like, I'm having such great time. Yeah. Wow. I was really impressed with that because I was like, I'm so scared of moving a mic during the... Yeah, but then I think if you're really laughing, do you care about level? Well, it's more that he's worried he's going to hit the mic with his face.

With his face. Right. Oh, okay. Oh, okay. That's pretty cool. Yeah. He's a great broadcaster. He is a great broadcaster, isn't it?

Yeah. Yeah, so there we go. What's it like when you cover for him on radio two? What's the vibe? I keep the mic static. Yeah. What's the vibe? Well, yeah, like, do you just...

they go, well, this is what Rommis does, do it the same, or do you do your own thing? No, that's what Lisa says to me. Oh, dear, that's a shame. That's a shame. It is really for a man that's not here. Yeah. I think it's fine for us to give Rommis some stick when he's not here, but then to go in on his wife that you're... Josh?

You get a little bit rude when you get a bit tired and you start talking sexy talk. You sound like Rose? You're going out tonight with Rose. Date night. Date night? She's meeting you after this in London for a friend's birthday party. I'm so tired. Who's birthday party, is it? I don't like to kiss and tell.

Do you think I need to get a present? Yeah, this is 50th. Yeah, I do, don't I? 100% you need to get a present for someone. I'm not to do that, yeah. Yeah. Well, Rose is going for blowdry and selfridges, so she can get a present. Is she?

Yeah. Wow, a blowdry and self-ridge? It sounds like a storyline from downtown Abbey. I was quite surprised when she texted me. I'm going for, okay. I didn't realize she was 63-year-old woman. married to some sort of Chelsea banker. Lou goes and gets her nails done at a place in Petswood where it's cash in hand

because I imagine absolutely no money goes through the books. Just so you know, Rose doesn't normally do that. We live in Exeter. No, every Thursday she travels up from Exeter because she likes the way they do. No, that's a nice thing to do. Go good for Rose, good on her. It's near the birthday. It's near the birthday.

Yeah. Where's the birthday? The perfume counter? It was a place where I'd never heard of it, so I thought that must be exclusive. twanky. Yeah. What's been happening though, Josh? You're a dad.

You're working. I'm so tired. Yeah, okay. Have we done this episode before? I was last night. I was in Leeds. You do look tired. I'm fucked.

I feel like I'm visiting a granddad in and all people's over. The way you're sat in that chair cleaning onto it. Do you know what? If I was doing something, I had to pretend to have energy, this would be a killer. Do you have to, do you pretend to have energy sometimes in this show? Not on this show, no. Yeah, I know. But like if I was doing TV.

My mate texts me the other day when I can't believe sometimes Josh yorns through a through emails that he's reading it out. So, right now, let's pretend. Let me take you through the last 24 hours of my life. Before you do that, let's pretend for a moment. This is my new podcast, but I'm not Rebecca. I'm just another sort of comedian. And you're on it promoting your tour.

And you can't be honest, slightly tired, Josh on this, because that's what we did. And I go, hi, guys, welcome to chatting that with me, Toby B. I need to speak to my fucking PR. This isn't going to shift any tickets, is it? Welcome to chat and that with me, Toby B. Rampack show today. Haven't we, Michael?

And Michael, on this show, you go, yeah, Toby B. You're all right with that? Yeah, Toby B. Oh, good, good energy today. Yeah, Mikey B. Now, our guest this week, we've got one of the best comedians in the UK. You'll have known him from the last leg. He's been on the stand-up for the week.

He has been... Why is that? second option. Hey, chatting that with Toby B. Now, Josh, we are honoured to have you here today. So excited to have a great comedian on the show. How's it going? What's up? What's up? Really good. Really good. Absolutely buzzing, actually. Yeah. And has a tour? What's that? Just air horn. Oh. Thank you.

Tour's absolutely brilliant. The tour's brilliant. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you. Yeah. It's been the best venue. Oh, mate. It absolutely went off in Harragore. Did it? Wow. Absolutely.

Yeah. What's your like been on the road? Pretty depressing. Yeah? Oh, great. And what's the worst heck we've ever had? Oh, Jesus fucking wept. If I'm asked that ever again in my life.

Do you know what, Toby? Shove your podcast up your fucking ass. Oh, I mean, Mikey B. Welcome to chatting that. How much for you to do an episode of chatting that? Do you know what? I'm quite into chatting that. I think we could do a spin-off.

We might get better bookings. Welcome to chat on that. We go viral. We get lots of impressions. We get lots of impressions and stuff. Yeah, okay. I think you done well there getting your energy up. Yeah.

So last night. So I saw you yesterday. 10.30. 10.30 a. And we stopped recording a podcast. You went to work. I had half an hour to pack. Yep.

Then I had to get the train to leads. Yeah. Then I sat on the train to lead and just kind of stared for four and a half hours. Yeah. I was just in a tired space. Do you not sleep? I can't really sleep on the train. No.

I'm too vertical. And then I got to Leeds. I was meant to be seeing a friend before the gig and I was like, I can't do this. Who is that? Do I know I know the friend? No, just a friend from uni. He lives in Leeds. Oh, that's hard.

And it was, I got there and I was like, Ali seems in a bad place. Your tour manager? Ali's normally very chipper. Yes. But he had a long drive coming because he had to drive to London. After Leeds. After Leeds. So his mood was low?

Well, it wasn't that, Rob. Oh. When we got there, he found out. Oh, so that hit morale because he's leaving half an hour. And then he had to pump up my lilo so that I could have a little sleep. Sometimes, when we have to think of your schedule, because he thinks of Ali's. Because he's the same, but worse.

Because he had an hour long drive after dropping me at the hotel because he didn't want to stay in London. So he drove back home? No, he drive to the outskirts, so then he could just drive home easily tomorrow. Right, okay. So then I do the gig, get in the car by 1003. Absolutely buzzing about that Yeah, okay Can't sleep in the car

I got restless legs Luckily Ali had to stop To get coffee So I tried to walk off my restless legs Yeah So I can add half an hour Sleep in the car Wake up

I don't know where this hotel I've booked is I've just asked for a cheap hotel Near Spotify Yeah With a gym As if I'm ever going to use that We started recording at 10th

We met at 930s I know what was I thinking Okay It's one of those hotels I've never seen this hotel before. It doesn't feel like a hotel. What's the name of it? I don't want it because I'm going to slag it off.

So I get there. They give me the key to my room. It's half two by this point. I go up to my room. Dump your bag, get on the treadmill? Get those rest of the legs working? Didn't even need to turn on the treadmill. My legs were just working at themselves.

Go in. I wish I'd take a photo. I thought I'll take a photo of that in the morning because it's so bad. Yeah. It's a mattress. Yeah. On the floor.

No. There's a raised wooden bit, like a futon, basically. Yep. That takes up the whole wall, right? So it's raised up. So the mattress is the whole wall. Three, walls on three sides of the mattress.

And then the only other thing that was in the room was a sink and a shower and a toilet. But not in separate room, just out. In the same room. All in the same square. No tea-making facilities. No desk. No, anything. No, crucially, for the second time this week, having never had it before, no window.

Twice in a week. Twice in a week, having never had it in 43 years of living before, no window. And I was like, I just collapsed, tired. I woke up, it was so cold at night, I was shivering. And I woke up at 6.15. and I thought, I'll check my phone. I clicked on my phone, and the screen was just black. But I could feel it was working because it would occasionally vibrate when I did something,

so the screen had broken. Yep. So I woke up at 615 with no screen on my phone. How did you go to 615? Because I've got a watch, because I sleep with what watch on. Finally, it's all paying off. It's all paying off. It's all like Harry Potter.

It's all connecting the dots at the end. So I was like, I needed podcast to get back to sleep. So I had to get my laptop out. I could log on to the tethered Wi-Fi on my phone that I couldn't see. Oh, right. Okay, so it was still working. Yeah, it's still working. I could see that.

So I listened to a podcast to try and get back to sleep. I had another. So I've had about four and a half hours sleep. Wow. You've done more, you've podcasted for longer today than you slept. Yeah. And then I woke up and I was like, this is the bleakest place I've ever been. Yeah.

Have you gotten to take a photo? There's no way. I couldn't because my phone was broken. I just do a romish mic. I like that. Oh, Josh. So I had a shower. I couldn't have a tea because there's no tea making for the lease.

So I just had a shower, packed on my stuff. The tethering had stopped working. So I had to listen to the only, I just had to re-listen to the podcast that I'd fallen asleep to because it was the only thing. Because I didn't want to be in silence in that room. No. Where are you tonight?

Are you in a hotel tonight? Not that one. But a nice hotel arose? Yeah, yeah. That'll be nice. Yeah. And you got tomorrow off? No, I'm going to Aberdeen.

Right. So you're going to. enter Abidem from London, but Rose will go back to exit. Yeah, okay. So then I'm like, I'm going to have to go to the Apple shop. I Google it opens at 10, so I'll have to go after this. Yeah. Right, I know I'm meeting Rob and Michael and Leon at 9.30.

So I just walk to Leon. I know I can't buy anything there. Do you take your wallet out, do you anymore? No. So then I was like, if my phone is working, theoretically I could use Apple Pay just through memory of what it would look like, just by pressing the button, doing the face and scanning it down. So I get to Leon before

you. Oh, you were there before me? Yeah, and I put my order in. I think, let's see whether this works. Get my phone out. Suddenly the screen's working again. Oh. So I'm like, well, I've got some time to kill. I need shaving stuff.

So then I went to super drug, bought the shaving stuff, came back to Leon, there you were. And my phone's now working, but I know it's on borrowed time because why did it stop working for three hours? You said something to me that was wild where you said, you've never had a phone and then bought a new phone and transferred everything over. You've always broken or lost it. Yeah, so I've never done the thing where... You've never upgraded. Where it says put your phone next to it because I've never got to the point

where I haven't fucked my own phone, not that. Little USBC, dick. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. Slibe-A. They've changed the port, actually. Thunderbolt. Thunderbolt charging system. I'm going to get my penis adapted

for the new port, but... You can also use your penis to get the old SIM card out as well, can you? Stick the little... It's very useful in there. Oh, Josh. So then I've done this. I'm fucked.

Can I tell you something that might make you feel better? Yeah. I went and got my hair cut yesterday. Oh, yeah. Got my beard done, got my hair cut. I came out and I was in Iceland buying some protein yoghuts because if you spend over five, you get free parking. Right, okay.

Ladies see me. Yeah. Lady says to me, oh, you're off the telly, aren't you? I mean, yeah, I do some telly. She went, oh, you look different in real life to on the telly? Yeah. I went, all right, yeah. I went, oh, do I look better?

She went, no. Better on the telly, worse now. Oh, my God. And I was like, one. says that also too this is the best i can do i've just literally had my hair and beard done there's no there was there's no there's no immediately after getting your air and beard done yeah that is the bestial look and it's down hill from there yeah and she's sniped me oh my iceland with a couple of packs of arla it's bang out of all isn't it awful and then

you got free parking well well not free parking i'd spend my five pounds but yeah but then ison lady at the checkout was like people are strange aren't they because you're She just basically watched. Oh, she watched it happen. Well, yeah, because she was like, well, who says, like, you look worse now than... Oh, my God. So where was this woman?

I'm a pain in front of me. Oh, my God. Anyway, but, yeah. So we've had a great 24 hours since we've seen. I've got something to bring the mood. Yeah. Bring the mood up. Yeah.

Toby B here, chat on that. No, that. Do you want you see that? I could inject a bit of energy with chatting that. Do you think there's another career in which you were a local radio person? There's another life where I'm an alcoholic doing a different job. Yeah. And I don't know what that would be.

Right. I would have slipped your way through the city. Oh, you could have been like Gary Stevenson, that kind of working class trader that... No, no, because he went in on like an intern scheme because he was very academic. I would be like someone that got a job in the city, didn't really know what he was doing, but sort of snuck his way through and quite good banter on the drink and the gear. Got a few promotions. Right, okay, yeah.

Before you know, a couple of lucky brates. I got some part of ownership of a big company, earned loads of money, married an awful woman, cheated on her, left her, never see my kids. I should move the night forward. Yeah. Most people don't move it for a cough. Normally a laugh. But yeah, I don't know.

That's the thing in it, it's sliding doors. I've got something to lift the mood. Go on. I've got you and Michael a present. Oh, yeah. Each, not the same present, one each. I should caveat this. It's not an actual present.

Essentially, it's things I bought that don't fit me. Okay. And you can have them. Oh, yeah. Do you want them? Yeah. Depends what it is. If it's a condom, I'm not going to do.

what Michael's is and then I'll fright for the curve. Oh my word. It's a football shirt. It's a football shirt. Columbia? Club America. Look at that. Can you see it on the camera, Michael?

I'm sorry about this. Yeah, that's your off. Look at his middle face. Toby B. Chatting that. Now this, I'm very, very frustrated. I bought this in Hong Kong. Yeah.

And it's in Excel. Why is that? Oh, Hong Kong sizes. Asian size. Right, here we go. And it doesn't fit me. You go fully. You go.

You don't take the top off. Put it off. It's a Japan football association, Adidas. Would this put you off if I podcasted like this? Either. It's, I've never, honestly, whenever I've done a thing where someone might maybe like takes a top off a comic effect. No, I had to look in full time because on camera it looks AI.

I've never seen anyone get undressed for no reason without anyone noticing. Normally you get egged on a show. Great catch. Hopefully it fits. It should fit you. It's a beautiful material. It's lovely, isn't it? It's very nice.

It's delightful. It's going to a good home. Oh, it is. It is. It's nice, isn't it? Yeah. Do you like yours, Michael? Love it.

Yeah, it's a cool. Got that in America. Do you know what? Oh, it fits nice. Beautiful. You wouldn't want it any smaller, would you? No, that's great. Imagine this thing.

Excel, yeah, but I'm not going to take that off yet. You've got to put it on the vintage. I'm not going to. Yeah, XL Asian size. Lovely top, though, isn't it? Oh, that is beautiful. I love that. I'm delighted with that.

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What? No, I'm just trying to get the mood up. Oh, right, so was you doing Toby B? No, I was just trying to move on to the next thing, but I realised I haven't got anything to say. Oh, my son. Yes, I have. So obviously I can't put this picture on, Rob. My son went over at school.

This is brutal. Went over? Like, hurt himself? Yeah. Don't know, under your phone breaks. Yeah. Oh my God, poor thing!

Yeah. Oh, God, it looks so much like you, doesn't he? Is that what you mean, poor thing? No. You've got a lovely face. Oh, he's really scratched it. Right by his eye as well.

He's absolutely grazed the half of his face. He's so grown up. He's had a haircut as well. I know, yeah. I miss the long hair. I know, but... Fair enough. He doesn't want it.

He don't want it. He doesn't want it? Yeah, so... Is he all right? So, it was weird, isn't it? Because that happens at school and then he's fine by the time he gets home. But you feel awful that you weren't there. Yeah, when he comes in and goes, oh, he had a bit of a scratcher.

He's got his whole face. He's like, Alv he didn't. They phoned up. Yeah, that's a phone call it. Yeah. Your son's going to come back with his entire half his face scratched off. Yeah, yeah, exactly. It's quite a big scratch.

He's not the man without a face. No, is he... Do you remember that film? No. There's a Mel Gooptsom film. Oh, I think I do. He had half a... That's not Daniel Day Lewis in the wheelbarrow, is it?

No, that's my left foot. Man without a face. One of my favorite jokes on The Simpsons. God, I love The Simpsons. The Simpsons was the best thing ever. Can I say what your biggest problem is? What? And this is as a friend.

I'd just go everywhere. No. You are really, really funny, if not funny, when you're completely fucked. So the problem is, when you are exhausted and you've got nothing in the tank, you get funnier. This podcast is the best thing I've ever done. Because it's the only time being honest. It's why I'm not selling any tickets. when I go on, what's it called Cardi B or whatever the show's called?

Toby B, chatting that. Chat and that? Chat and that's quite a good... Chat and that. I'm going to Google. Not Google. I'm going to put that in the podcast app. I'll put it in Spotify because it's a better app.

Is it chat un that? Chat um that. And that could be like chat and that. It could be northern. The closest thing that comes up with is chatterbix. Hey up, welcome to chat on that with me. Toby B. Yeah.

No? No, it's not there. Sorry, what did you say? No, I was saying that as a compliment, by the way, that you're very funny even when you're... Oh, no, I was just going to repeat something for The Simpsons. That's one of my favourite lines ever. Go on. It's a man without a face.

Do you remember it? Mel Gibson, he's got like burns on one side of his face or whatever. Seymour Skinner falls out with his mum and he says, she's put cardboard over her half of the TV. Yeah. And he says, I watched Man Without a Face. I didn't even know he had a problem? That's so funny. So good.

Isn't it? Such a good joke. So quick and throw away as well. Oh, so good. Oh, I love The Simpsons. Anyway. Was you talking about, you said you wanted to talk to me about Rory Stewart? Oh, yeah.

Rory Stewart officially doesn't know who I am. Really? So you know we've seen him here? Yes. And I've always thought, he doesn't seem to acknowledge us. No, no, I'd say, no. I'd say he's quite a eyes forward focus guy. Yeah.

So you have to be when you used to be a spy. Are we, though, like a bit of a, I'd say, Stuart and Campbell pride themselves on being like one of the biggest podcast in the country. and they are talking about really serious things talking about potential like political social change and they will be pushing certain things and their opinions matter and their opinions can sway less of people I'd stop you there I don't think their opinions matter

well no but I think they may think they do they do yes and they're very proud of how popular it is and how important what they do is and then we're knocking around like a bad smell that getting similar numbers pulling them out of our fucking assholes yeah we don't have to wait for Trump

and the king to go on a tour, you can just take your top off on a throw a Japanese Asian X-N at you. Exactly, yeah. And we've got Toby B. I think that's what I thought the situation was. Yeah. But the situation actually is Rory Stewart

doesn't know who we are. Right, so I was at Oxford Circus. I'm not Oxford Station. I was doing Oxford on tour. So the Oxford, not Oxford Circus here. Yeah, Oxford Station. Yeah. I was like, oh, look it is.

It's Rory Stewart with his family. Right. I gained eye contact. And he looked through me in the way that said, I've never seen this person before in my life. Really? That's totally fine. He must know.

Your face is next to his face in the podcast charts. I genuinely don't believe. You know, and he wasn't like, oh, there's that guy. I don't need to talk to him. He was, there's just someone looking at me. Literally, he did not, I swear on my life, he didn't know. Are we allowed to, I think we can say this. When we were recording a podcast here in Spotify,

he was being interviewed by someone. in the communal cafe area. Yeah, by the fridge. By the coffee machine, hot tap. And the rice crackers. And the rice crackers. Office kitchen, as you'd call it. Anyway, name me no names.

So he had said to someone, can you be quiet, please, because I'm doing an interview. Yeah. Which I think... Bear in mind, he's surrounded by podcast studios. Yeah, there is probably eight soundproof rooms available. Yeah.

That no one's in. But he stood on the counter of the kitchen. Yeah. Not stood on the counter. No, no, he's not. Leela gets it. So I went out on a sort of revenge mission and decided to make five cups of coffee in a row

and didn't drink next to him being interviewed. Really loud. Really loud. And just did another. And another. Because that's who I am. Yeah. I did acknowledge you?

No, carried on with the interview. Yeah. And I'm like, well, how loud must you have been talking? We didn't move either. So maybe he's aware of me don't like. us because you thinks I'm the coffee guy. Honestly, the way he looked at me, there was no acknowledgement. It was like,

I respect it. If he does know who I am, he totally, he didn't even flinch. Well, I think this is our first disc track. Rest his politics, it's over to you. I'm happy for a beef. Alistair, I'm happy... Alistair, you know who we are, we know who you are? If they can profit from a war, why can't we profit from a podcast war?

If they can start a war, one of them. Open the straight of Spotify's kitchen. Anyway, so he doesn't know who we are. Well, he might know you are. He certainly doesn't know who I am. Yeah, but I think I'm just a coffee guy from work. Yeah, yeah, exactly. I don't think he knows me as podcast, boy.

If he goes, are you Rob Beckett? Are you having a go-ie? I'm Toby B. Would you like to chat on that? Do you know what? It was a shame because I read Roy Stewart's book and I loved it. And so it's quite heartbreaking. I quite like him.

He's been on the last leg as well. Oh my God! You must know who you are! It was years ago. It was before he was pod royalty. Your face hasn't changed in 15 years. But your soul has. My soul has.

Your eyes have, for the rest of you, hasn't. Other news. Go on. Have you done that thing again where you started without anything to say? Yeah. So, I'm going to this birthday party tonight. Yeah. I'm going to get a present on the way.

What are you going to get? Hard to get a 50-year-old man, a present. Is he a football thing? Yeah, I think I might get him a Japan shirt. Is he an Asian XL? Why don't you go past them classic football shirts and buy him an old Tottenham shirt? Where is the classic football shirts? You still have one in town, but I think it's over in East London now.

Yeah, that's why I won't be going past it. Okay, sorry. Yeah. If only you live there. If only I live there. They've got your way in. Exactly. When I went to Anton Dex's birthday party.

This is the stress, isn't it? When I went to Anteck's birthday party, I got them Sunderland shirts. Did you? That's good. I put one each, one with Ant on it, one with deck. But when you bought the shirts, you got two tickets to the game. You've got a free ticket to the game. I felt a bit of a waste because I was like, it's a banter for it.

That's a shame. He's a shame. I don't really know what else to do, but I'll get something. I don't like those situations where I don't know who's going to be in the room. Yeah. Do you have that? Did you have that hand and X? If I go with Lou, I'm more nervous and worried because I'm being a real person going to something.

If I would be more comfortable going on my own. Yes. I double down and I just treat it like a sort of work event type thing. Yeah. You know, and that's easier. Yeah. Because if you don't know them that well. Yeah.

So there could be anyone at this. There could literally be an Andrew Lloyd-Weber there. So I find those, it's the walking in I don't like. The moment you're with someone, you're going. You find your corner, you're good to go. You find your corner, you're good to go. But it's to walk you. You'll be a row.

You'll have a good time. Yeah. But then also I wouldn't actually drink in that situation to come, but you don't drink anymore. No. Which is a good thing because you can't, it doesn't calm you. It doesn't calm you. It's like to throw up on Andrew Lordwebubber's head. Yeah.

Nearly. Nearly. Anyway, I'll be texting you who the headline people are. Oh, and all the details. And we can report back. I'm sure. Oh, report back, yeah, yeah. So this is the last time I see you before you go into Traitors.

Yes, it is. So I've got a bit of work tomorrow and then I go on Sunday. And are you excited? I am excited. I remember when I did the strictly Christmas. Yeah. The stress of telling your children that you're doing it. Because what you don't want to do, you've got to make the decision without them.

Yes. So you couldn't say, do you think it's a good idea? idea for me to do traitors because then if it doesn't come off yeah you can't say they'll be gutted so yeah yeah you just don't i've got something as you know something in the air at the moment that my daughter would be excited for me to do yes but you can't it's not until it's confirmed to her and what if then i get to go on this show and then she goes i wish you weren't doing that do you know what i mean yeah but i don't think now i don't think there's any is that there'll either be ambivalent or excited they're doing it.

But then I don't know how people deal with this in other jobs. We're like, oh, we may have to move to Toronto for work. Yeah. And you've got like a five-year-old and seven-year-old in school happy. Yeah. And like your partner's like, what? And then it's like, sometimes it's sort of out of your hands. Or it's really good money or promoters.

It's like making that decision to go. Yeah. Because, you know, you were a bit like that, but going to Exeter. But like, that was well, you were the sole person making that decision. There was a lot. I remember the day we took them. down to Exeter. There's a lot on that. Do you know what I mean? And the house? Yeah. And the local area? Luckily, we knew they would prefer it because the things that people want to be in London for are wasted on children.

Yes. They're not going. Oh, but there's so many good pop-up restaurants. Where am I going to get my falafel in Exeter? Yeah, exactly. And I'm sure there's a good flaffle place. Oh, we've got to come to our Libanay. But I don't want to go on about it. But we're just. You know, I do think sometimes chains get too much abuse and grief of people. Rosso Pomodora. Do you know what? I had that in Italy. I thought it was a little local place.

I was buzzing when I saw one in Common Garden. Well, it's the classic. We've had Jared Christmas tell the story on here, but it's one of my favourite ever stories about when he did pantomime with Priscilla Presley, and she took them all to Cafe Rouge thinking it was a small French restaurant. But do you know what? I know I'm meant to be, you know, uncouth and going to exciting parties. because I'm like a celeb. But when I moved to Exeter, I was like,

Roses, Comtilebana, Franco Manca, Pizza Express, fucking count me in. Yeah. Do you know what? Nando's, they're talking my language. Yeah, and then, you know, tonight you can go for a bit of dinner with Rose, a bit swankier if you're up in town for work.

Do you know what? We're not going to. What are you going to do? I'm going to sit in the hotel and watch it gets a blow dry. Actually, I'm going to meet a friend. You're going to get a blow dry. No, I'm not going to get a blow dry. You're sure?

Gonna get something that sounds a bit like a blowjury. Am I right? Yeah, my bleak. I'll be heading back to that bleak windowless hotel room. I love that that one. You were too tired to make a blow job joke. I'm going to do something that sounds like it. I can't believe.

I don't believe you should be able to sell hotel rooms without, you have to specify. Shall I ring 101? Do you know what? And ask. And ask. Because the thing is, right? I've always thought, I know this sounds bad, I read Boris Becker's book about being in prison and I read another book about being in prison.

Yeah. And I thought, do you know what? I think I'd be all right. 23 hours a day on my own in a room, I think I'd be fine. Fuck that. After this morning, when my phone wasn't working, I didn't have a window and I didn't have team making facilities. I thought I wish, I just, I need to get out of it as fast as possible. Is it illegal for a hotel to give you a room that has no window?

In the UK, building regulations typically require rooms to have natural light and ventilation, which usually means windows. However, there can be exceptions, especially in older buildings or specific types of rooms. If you're concerned, it might be worth checking the hotel's policy or the details of the room you booked. I just think it has to be, because you know, I don't think Windows is a thing you normally specify. It's like saying, has it got a toilet? Has it got floors? Yeah, exactly. Has it got a bed?

Like, a window is bare minimum. It's fucking mental. I should do some correspondence, Josh. Yeah. Here we go. What do you want? Flying solo as a child? Yeah, we haven't done that much.

Let's do a couple of them. Flying solo as a child, Josh. Hello, guys. I loved hearing about the kids who have flown on their own and have just heard the story of the 12-year-old and 8-year-old sisters traveling by train from Glasgow to London. When I was eight and my brother was 12, we flew to Iran via Moscow On our own to visit dad who was working there

Oh my God. Eight and 12. This was in 1976 and shortly before two years before the revolution. It was also the time of a strike at Heathrow. And I remember my mum going to the chapel to pray for our safety whilst we were battling the crowds. Jesus fucking Christ. That was before we even left England. We flew on aeroflot and they judged my brother to be an adult.

We didn't even get an escort, not even through Moscow airport where the alphabet isn't the same. Jesus fucking Christ. We didn't even get seats together on the first leg. Oh my God. But I remember I made a friend and luckily her mum saw us through Moscow. Oh my God. In the Soviet Union. On the way to Iran.

On the way to Iran. It was nicer before the revolution though, too fair. No, but fuck me, mate. Do you what I mean? It's not worth going through Moscow for it, is it? Where are they fucking flying from to get there? He's got up to go down. Good point.

We got to Tehran. We didn't know our dad's exact address, so they wouldn't let us through. They held my brother behind, as once again they judged him to be an adult. I was taken through with security guards to try and find our dad. I fucking hate that bit on the plane.

When you... You know when you're landing and they give you those forms? Yeah. And they're like, address of your hotel, and you're like... Like, how the fuck are my men to know that off the top of my head? You've made me put my phone onto airplane mode. No photos allowed, no phones.

Now tell me where it is. Where exactly you're going? I don't know, because I'm flying to a city. I don't know because I'm working here. That's what you say at the border, is it? They held him back because they feel as an adult. I was taken through with security guards to find our dad. I remember lots of ladies in full burghers pointing and laughing at me as a small white girl was quite an unusual side.

Fair enough. I was petrified. and that was the start of a very interesting holiday. Our first ever time were brawled. Oh my God. And our first flight. Talk about baptism of fire. Another thing that stood out on the flight,

Aeroflot offered us children wine and caviar. Amazing. In economy in case you think I'm a posh knob moaning about traveling alone in business. And I thought all flights would be like that. I'm really looking forward to seeing you both on touring Brighton next year. That's Kathy from Hayward's. The 70s was wild, wasn't it? Did that last week?

How was it? Did you see Kathy there? I didn't see Kathy. But it was a nice gig, actually. Do you want another one? Hi, Rob and Josh. I thought you might enjoy this little throwback to the 90s when kids like me got packed off onto aeroplanes completely on our own.

I went to boarding school in Kent from the age of 8, while my parents lived in Canada. Every holiday I was put on a plane as what they called an unoccupied miner. The process was surreal. One of the airport staff would collect me and my parents at the ticket desk and then marches all the way to the gate. Would say goodbye's there, and then I'll be walked straight through security like I was a cabin crew.

no shops no duty free no snacks no messing about straight to the gate plonked in the chair and told to wait into the cabin crew collecting me they take me strap me in a seat and that was that I remember before going through the gate I'd always get the squits oh no I'm not at that phrase in a while I just constantly running back and fall from the toilet I just don't think my parents ever realised how utterly disturbed I was by it this is fucking awful and you're moaning about going to Aberdeen

she's shitting herself on the way to Toronto yeah yo sitting on watching the toby would be on chat on that shout on that shout on that oh bless this poor poor person hannah here she goes on my very first trip I was sat next to a boy maybe 10 or 11 who'd done it before he leaned over and told me I wasn't allowed to get on my seat for the entire fly you little prick I believed him

so I just sat there bursting for the loo too scared to me I'm gonna cry oh god oh god And this was back in the days Before personal seat back screens Instead they had one big tell at the front Showing whatever they'd chosen So I ended up watching Tin Cup It's not all bad

Kevin cost a golf film Not exactly soothing viewing for a terrified 8 year old Meanwhile I was absolutely petrified of turbulence Gripping the armrest the whole way Convinced the plane was about to drop out the sky Looking back now it's wild I was basically just pass around like a hand luggage With a passport

Oh no At the time, it felt weirdly normal. But honestly, this is the fucking... I've got me of love. But honestly, I'd say it really did fuck me up for life. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Fucking out. Love the pod. Thanks for making us feel slightly less mad. Hannah, 38. She's younger. So that's not like back in the 60s. It's just like...

No, but I did it. How, as a parent? Imagine... But it was fine when I did it. It wasn't like that. It was... You did one trip to your nans. Yeah.

She's doing boarding school. Back and forth. Back and forth. It's awful. I told you about my grand phoning British Airways. I'm sure I added this bit of the story. So she was like overly concerned about it all. Like kept phoning a travel agent or whatever British Airways.

She said to them, and just to check, you know that he's a vegetarian. And the guy in the other one went, Madam, by now the whole of British Airways knows he's a vegetarian. Yeah, you have to tell that before. Michael? Yeah. Got nothing left. That's Chadden that.

See next week. Give us another bit of correspondence. Do you want me to do it as Toby V? Yeah, go on. But all our ones are quite blink. Give me the topic that feels the most Toby B. Playground Shaggers? Yeah, go on.

I've got a short one here. Hey, Toby. Mikey B? Mikey. Mew. What? Plain sound? Plain sound?

I went to school slash college with a boy. I'm doing it at Toby B. Got a great one here, Josh. We've got a little feature here. We do playground shaggers about people who had sex. Yeah. I went to school, college with a boy. Let's call him Dean.

Or am I doing it? Am I northern Sobi? B. I don't know what I am. No, I think this is it. It's, um, it's, um, radio. Radio, like, low level. Wedding DJ. No, it's like, um, you know those commercial stations where they've all got similar names.

QVC type thing. No, like, um. We'll just tell me what it is it. I don't want to name one. No, you're doing it right. But what I mean is the kind of station where you know when you go into the global building and there's other stations you're not sure of. And it may be not the person that hosts the main show.

Yeah, so it's like one till four. Got you. Hey, lads! Yeah. Went to school slash college with a boy. Let's call him Dean. During high school, his dad had an affair with Dean's, mum's mum. Oh, fuck.

Ignore. I can't understand it because I'm doing the voice. What's happened? His mother-in-law. Oh, he's a boy called D. Is dad an affair? Come out of Toby B now. Like me?

Like you sleeping with Lou's mum? Yep, his nan became his step-mom. Oh, my God. Well, they got together. Yep. At parents' evening, all three of them would turn up like an extremely dysfunctional family. That's mental. That's not on.

You know what that is? Chatting that. Chatting that. Cheating that. Cheating that. It's not as good as you're shatting that. That's mental. But that's the point of podcast.

How's that allowed? Do you know what would change the whole argument for us? If we were like, this is crazy, mad. And then we got to send a photo of Dean's Nan. And she was... We'll go, fair enough. Fair enough. Understood.

Isn't Ann Cindy Crawford. You know? But... I didn't whip out names and forgot. Claudia Schiffer. Schiffer. Shiffer? Schiffer?

Shiffer? I don't think it's fine with either, isn't it? Cindy Crawford. She's still... Yasmin Blyth? Pam. obviously. Great days. Great days.

Small business, should we do a small business shout out? Let's do a small... I've got one here from Rob Rouse, actually. Oh yeah? You know Rob Rouse. Yeah. We did...

He did a guy of the live show. It's a little yawn there from Josh. Oh, he sneaks out during small business. It's the end. It's the end. It's not the end because we're still recording the show. Here we go. Hi, Rob.

My other half Helen has just launched something called Mind Wanderers. And I thought it might fit your parenting pod for the small business chate. It's basically a creative, imagination box for seven to 11 year olds. Little suitcases filled with story prompts, activities and bits to get them making stuff up for fun, not schooly at all. There's also snail mail writing club for slightly older kids who like reading and writing where they get letters and they can actually write back to Helen. It came from her being a children's author and notice him through her school visits that kids just aren't that into reading and writing for fun anymore. So it's all about making it feel a bit magical again rather than like homework.

Would you be up for giving a quick shout out on the pod? totally get it if not but worth and ask her website is helenrutter.com that's h-e-l-l-en-r-r-t-tt-e-r-r-com so that's helen-rutter the author is doing these imagination boxes go on a website and check them out lovely also check rob rouse out very funny man very funny man hi rob josh michael after a tough start to 2026 with a sadly experiencing miscarriage and both needing some time away from work to process it Shannon has shown incredible strength she used this time to focus her energy on something positive who has launched a new business venture Shannon's home cleaning services. If you're based in the greater Manchester area and are looking for relatable, high quality

cleaner, reliable, not relatable. I thought that was weird. You said relatable? It's because we use that word so much. But she said reliable. She said reliable. But you just changed them. A relatable cleaner is quite a weird. What do you want from cleaner? I want to be able to relate to them. Obviously you do, but I wouldn't say that's what you'd sell them as, reliable. Well, after every time they'd clean something, Do you remember Pogs? Sunny Delight was good for a bit, right? Anyway, see it a bit, just in the stairs.

More relatable cleaning stuff coming your way. Jaycloths are thin, aren't they? That kind of stuff. Why can't I use the bathroom spray in the kitchen? How does it know which room I'm in? This is good stuff. This is good stuff. We're quite formal in our house.

We call it the Jason Cloth. Right, if you're looking, if you're based in the Greater Manchester area and looking for a relatable and reliable, high quality cleaner. She'd love to hear from you. You can find her on Instagram at Shannon's Home Cleaning, where you'll also see the attached price list. Thank you very much for taking the time to read this. Best regards, Luke. Thanks Luke. Good luck, Shannon. Good luck, Helen. Josh. See you soon. Hopefully not too soon. Hopefully not too soon. Bye.