Parenting Hell with Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe - S12 EP51: The Ransom Is My Ego

Episode Date: June 30, 2026

Josh lives a holiday booking nightmare in real time, Rob stealth buys a swimming pool and gets into some Park Run beef. Enjoy! ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Parenting Hell⁠��⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ is a Spotify Podcast, new video episodes available everywhere every Tuesday and Friday. Please subscribe and leave a rating and review you filthy street dogs... xxx If you want to get in touch with the show with any correspondence, kids intro audio clips, small business shout outs, and more.... here's how: EMAIL: [e-mail] Follow us on instagram: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠@parentinghell⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey y'all, it's Kelly Clarkson with Wayfair. Ever order furniture online and wonder what if? Like, what if it doesn't hold up? That sofa was four days old. You should have ordered from Wayfair. With Wayfair, there's no what if. Just style you love and quality you can trust. Visit Wayfair.ca.

Wayfair, every style, every home. Hello, you're listening to Parent in Hell with... Oh, for fuck sake. What's that happened, right? Well, I'm using my, um, headphones. Oh, no. Why are you back to? on why are the wired? What's how? We've regret. I'll tell you why. I'll tell you why in a minute.

Tell me why. I can play it now. Laurie, can you say Rob Beckett? What Beckett? Can you say Josh Whittickickick? Josh Whitakon. Effie. Can you say Rob Beckett? Rob Beckett. Can you say Josh Whittickickon? Yep, Wittickett.

All right. There we go. There we go. Who is that? That is five-year-old Rory. Let's hope he doesn't grow up to be quite rude to other people in the Spotify podcast area. The good thing about this podcast beef is no one, even with seven degrees of separation, listens to this that knows Rory Stewart due to his background of demographic. And let's be honest, I'd say there's seven billion people on earth.

And the last person to hear about this podcast, have beef and understand it will be Rory Stewart. What about, why don't we do a thing called Just a Firewall Podcast Beef and people message in about people they've met that do podcasts that are twats so that we've got a reason to, because really, Rory Stewart was sort of having quite a loud interview. He was, we don't have back down that you. Well, there is. He's not, he's not a lovely man. Right.

What's Rory saying? I mean, at the moment when I'm on Instagram and strictly unveils his eighth dancer and it's Rory Stewart, I'm going to shit myself. The last one I saw was. the makeup person. Is there not, there's been any more since? Kim Kardashian's hairdresser. Yeah. Since that. That's the last one. He's got four million followers, Rob. Oh, I'm surprised. By the way, Josh, there's a lot of unpack. Look at my hair. We need to sort out your hair. We need to sew out what I'm doing. I look like I'm having a breakdown and didn't realize it

until I sat down. Your skin looks great. I don't know if it's your appointments or if it's the light in. It's my appointment. It's both. You look great. You look younger. Thank you. You look Unbelievable. I feel like this is probably one of the worst I've looked on the podcast. I look like... No, I don't think that's the case. I look like a disgraced children's TV presenter that's on the comeback trail. This, by the way, sorry if you're listening to this, is worth seeing how awful Rob looks and how mad where I am.

You look great, though. You look great. Your hair was big, but your hair looks good. It's got a bit blonde from the sun. Your skin's looking great. You look like you've got up, you've hit the gym this morning. You've got, you're in a beautiful hotel room or a house, it looks like. You look great. The asthma pump on the bed still brings you back to reality, so we know you're a normal guy at heart. You know, I don't know how many stairs you had to climb.

That's so suggestive. Look, if we're bagging, I'm going to need to pump. Is that okay? When I'm pumping, there we go. The more we pump, the more I pump. Okay, we're pumping iron and air. Sounds like a game of drones. Pumping iron and, oh, no, not iron.

No, that's not set. The gym. Every night to work out with you, babe, stuff like that. Too right. Well, that sounds like she's... What? She's hard, she's the big old union. Yeah, no, I may, yeah.

I've been really difficult or, like... Anyway, what I'm doing... Can I just finish this email from Rory? Yeah, sorry. Started listening after Rory was born in 2021 and caught up on the back catalog in the depths of newborn stage. I've listened to Friday's episode. I was excited to hear another Effie.

Can be short for Elizabeth or Euphemia? It can't. Sorry, it can't. Euphemania? Euphemania? I'm going to stop me there. It can't be short for Elizabeth. It's Lizzie, Liz.

Libby. Libby. Effie. Ours is just called Effie. We like the name. So these are two things I've never watched, Rob. I think double down. If you like the name, Effie, don't try and give Elizabeth to sort of distract.

She hasn't. She's gone. This is called Effie. This is a compliment. Yeah. It's from two TV shows that I haven't watched, apparently. What, Effie? Skins.

Did you watch that? I didn't watch that. And the Hunger Games? That's a film. I watched Hunger Games, yeah. We saw Rob back in Kendall in March 25, and we were hoping to see Josh but never got around to booking tickets.

Canne? Did I do Kendall? That's a leisure center? It's a Sport Hall. Sport Hall, yeah. Maybe next time. Rory is really looking forward to seeing Josh in Strictly this year. No, he's not.

He's five, surely. Well, thank you, though, Rory. Thank you. Really love listening to the pod. I've even been caught laughing out loud whilst I work in the office. Keep it sexy and relatable. Rosie 365 months. Ricky 454 months, Rory and Effie.

There we go. Rory and Effie. Describe your look for the people at home. So my look is I'm currently, my office is currently getting renovated. Well, I've not checked, but the builder said it is. So I'm in a makeshift studio. There's some banging going on in there, am I right? Yeah, you better believe it.

So I'm in a makeshift studio, and I've got this weird thing behind me just because it's easier than tidying up every time. You slightly look like, on the one side, the way you're posed, it does slightly look like you've been taken hostage. Have I been taken hostage? Big question that. On a level, yes. I've been taken hostage by. I've been taken hostage by. by my own need for attention. Yeah. My own sort of... And when did the hostage takers arrive for that one? They arrived probably since about the age of five or six internally,

and now the ransom is my own ego. So will I ever release myself from this? Who knows? Time will... Time will tell Drosh. I'd argue we're all us podcasters. We're all hostages of our own ego, and our wants a need.

I don't think you're ever going to be re-reacted. United with your family. I don't think. Your family is in a piece. My ego cannot afford the ransom. So that explains that behind me.

It's easier to have this behind me. It looks a bit of shit than tidy up every time before a podcast because, well, this room's sort of being used as a bit of a store room while stuff from the office. Boring. Is it lose Pilates room?

Well, it should be, but I put all my shit on a Pilates thing. There is also, and I don't want to throw under the bus here, there is also a couple of mad TikTok purchases that don't ever get used. Polarty's bed gets used. The sort of travelator little walking thing.

You know, like not big enough for a treadmill running, but a walking pad of TikTok. Right. Why not buy a treadmill? Well, the treadmills are too big and too expensive. This is cheap and small. So you can just walk on it while you're like watching the telly or something or doing your...

Just never, ever going to be used. Just never ever going to be used. And then also a machine that you stand on and just like wobbles you a bit. I don't really know what that is. Right, yeah, yeah. And in the top, I'm trying to get some... the World Cup fever going here because we're well deep into the World Cup. I'm not really enjoying the England games, but so I thought you lads would like this.

You're looking at your phone now, Josh. What's going on? I was just seeing how much treadmills are. Thousands, and also they're massive and you can't move them. This thing... Fucking hell, they're expensive. You can move around your house quite easily. I think it was like $100. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But yeah, it was how much?

Can I have to be honest. I've got no idea much it was. I just guessed. A walking pad. Is it called a walking pad? Yeah, so you can get them from Decafalon for $90 quid. This is a TikTok shop job, so I reckon it was cheaper than that. Probably that I'm talking. So what's his top speed? So just to be clear, Lou's watching TV while just walking on the spot.

No, no, no. In theory. In theory, or you've got high desk. You're watching England versus Ghana while you're walking on the spot, yeah. Well, yeah, or you've got a high desk and you're walking on the spot doing emails or writing a book. Right. Come on there. So people do this in offices.

They have a walking pad that they walk on as they're working. so they could be walking as they're doing this zoo I could be walking on it now talking to you which I don't think in my current state would add to the chaos of what's going on because you've not even addressed my top yet but can I just show you this

so we can get this out of the way this is the most American thing I could find to give me some sort of World Cup fever that I thought you and Michael would appreciate it. It's awful. Try and guess what I'm wearing at the moment you can only see my shoulders which is just red, white and blue,

stars and strikes. You're wearing an American it's an American, it's an American, American football jersey that is styled on the stars and stripes. Yeah, but I'll give you clear. It's a restaurant. Planet Hollywood.

Correct. London. Oh my God. That is so bad. I just tried to name the Naffest thing I could think of and it was correct. I saw it in a charity shop. No, shit.

No shit. Oh, I've gone red. Give me your geese's number. I sort my skin out. So, I mean, I hope. hotel, Rob. Yeah, why are you in a hotel? Because the building work is on

deadline, and I can't tell them to stop for two hours. What does a deadline mean? The first phase is finishing at the end of July. So that needs to be done so other people can come in? No, that needs to be done so that we get our first two-thirds of the house done, and then they move on to the second. I've got the first fix, and then the second fix? No, they've done.

No, no, it's not fixed, the first phase. Phase, okay, so by the end of July, you can get your whole two-year-old. thirds of your house back. Yeah, and then they move on to finish the other third. So you'll be in your bed then next week? You'll be in bed. No, no, because our bed is in the other third is next. We're in our bedroom at the moment.

Right, so you're in your bedroom. So then when your bedroom's getting done, you'll find another floor. So we'll be in the spare room. So you're going to be in a bed next week? I haven't got so used to sleeping on the floor that I've started. So you're going to be in a bed sleeping? No, no, end of July. End of July.

When is it? What is it now? I'm all over the place. It's the beginning of July. It's the beginning of July. I'm in a really weird headspace. I'm all over the place. So I've had to come to this hotel,

which Michael's booked for me in town. I arrive. They've obviously, he's booked it for last night. Yeah? And you've not turned up, yeah. So they've marked me as a no show straight away. I can't help but show the disappointment on my own face

the moment she says that. And then I feel bad. No, no, no, this no show thing, I've booked a room. When I use it is when I use it. You can't start like trying to resell it or not get it done. It's my room until 11-8. It wins for checking out.

Exactly. That is true. Yeah. If you, if I want to rent a house, I don't have to be in it the whole time. Well, you don't, yeah.

Also, you don't like after 20 minutes of a comedy gig, go, oh, March was a no show. You're not allowed in? Yeah. People actually do do do that, they don't they? They do, but that's bad. Yeah, I think that's bad when they say, what about late come?

And some people don't let anyone in. You just come in. disrupt your art, Josh. They might disrupt your art. Oh, yeah, sorry. Yeah, well, that is a worry. If I'm asking someone from Kendall what they do for a living, I don't want to ask a couple why they're late,

which, let's be honest, it's going to be easier. I do this when they're late. Give them a quick sort of like recap of what's happened at the gig so far. Oh, that's fun. It's just callbacks. Then what you do is you basically just list all the callback punch lines really fast. So the people that already heard it find it quite funny that you're sort of bottling up five minutes of chatting to one line

and then the people that come in all look bemused and then you can give them load of shit so that's quite a good technique for that. But you can't do that now, can you? Because everyone's listened and they've gone, oh, he does that everywhere. That's a shame. Yeah, but then they'll get to see it live.

Look, people know that Michael Jackson's song beat it. They heard it on the radio. Anyway, we tease some stuff. What was we talking about before that came up? I got to the hotel. I got to the hotel. So I got to the hotel. Because he still needs to be Michael's window.

Then I got in. she said, then I have to go, well, no, I'm using it this morning. And then I'm like, it sounds like I'm shagging. Oh, so you're, I need to use it this morning. So like, you're meeting up with like, no, don't worry. Yeah, I'm using the room this morning. And then I'm like, for work. And then it sounds like, and then I'm like, oh, are you allowed to use it for work?

Do you know what I mean? I'm panicking. She definitely thinks I'm shagging. She's not shagging yourself. You're not booked it for a wank. I mean, there's no one in there. No one's come up. No, but then what would happen, right?

Rob, I don't want to point it out, is that, you know, a lady of the night would arrive separately, wouldn't she? Well, of the mid-morning. Of the mid-morning, a lady of 9am. A lady of mid-morning. A lady of mid-morning would arrive separately. And I'd have given her the room number. That's how it would work. Yeah.

She was like, all we've got available now is a, what are they called, an accessible room. Oh, yes. And I said, that's fine. and then she went, well, the bed will be a bit lower. And I'm like, I'm not using the bed. It doesn't... It doesn't matter to me. However high the bed is.

I said the bed, it'll be fucking lower after I've finished with it. I tell you that. It'd be like a futon on the floor once I've finished with it. Just how I like it. Yeah. Oh, by the way, I'm not sleeping on a foot on, it turns out. What you said to me? Just a mattress topper.

Oh, my God. God, that's even worse. It's so bleak. It's so... No wonder you're tired and moaning. I know. I'm not moaning. No, but you did.

You used to just yawn through episodes and just tap out. You can't be sleeping on a mattress top-up. Is it a carpet or wooden floor? Carpet. Carpet. That's at least a bit of soft. Carpet, that is so dirty. My asthma's come back.

I love you going to, like, your asthma specialist. What do you think you could be? I'm face down on a carpet, on a mattress top. It's insane. not got a mattress, Josh. Why haven't you got a mattress? Well, I'm moving into another room into five weeks, but it's fine.

You've got another mum? Yeah. I'm quite enjoying it. He's by a mattress. I don't need it. You can't, Josh. Josh, someone told me, I know you've done it for ages. If they tell me, Rob, you're going to be sleeping on a mattress top on top of a dirty

carpet that's making it asthma bad, I would be ordering the cheapest mattress you find immediately just for the next few weeks. Well, you could order a more expensive one. Oh, whatever. But why not treat yourself to a... Well, I don't know if there's room for a mattress. I'm quite wedged in the corner. There's no lie to live.

No. Do you ever get in the bed a bit, like early or late? Or if your son gets up and Roseette should have a line. Do you ever get in? Yeah, yeah, of course. Father's day got to move into the bed. Oh, wow. What a treat.

Any other special things happened for you that day? No. It was quite stressful day, actually, yeah. All in. It was the day that Fluffball had a pan. I don't know how you're having more. I've, genuinely, I'm feeling great at the moment. You look great as well.

It's the best I've seen you in ages. It's because I don't live in London, Rob. I don't think it's that. I think it's your not touring and doing last leg. Yeah, well, it's partly that, and I don't live in London. And, of course, the London bit is there. It's the fact that you're driving around the country four nights a week. Yeah, so I'm in this hotel room.

It's quite, it's quite very pleasant. I haven't had my breakfast yet. Porridge? Yeah. I haven't had my porridge just yet. Yeah, a bit of porridge. I'll have that between the episodes. Well, we're going to recall for next two hours

and you've just got a cold pot of porridge next to you. What are you? No, I'm going to have it between the episodes. Can I have it between the episodes. Do you want to hear something funny? Yeah. Started giving my son pocket money. Yeah.

Yeah. So he's on the same as my daughter because you can't not do that. So he's on five pounds a week, right? Which feels excessive at that stage. But what are you going to do? Pay him less. It feels unfair.

Well, Yeah, I mean, it does, the thing is it does amps up quickly. That's £20 a month, 40 pound a month you're doing. No, I'm not. But then they don't spend it, and then all of a sudden it's like 400, because also he's so young, what is he spending on? For her, if you want to my... Well, I'll tell you what he's spending it on, Rob.

Go on. Ready? Yeah. Hello? You got a megaphone? Hello? How's it going? He's brought a megaphone.

That's awful. Hello? That's going to make people crash their car. That's your parenting week, Ben, Rob. Yeah, it's been all right. So why did he want a megaphone? He just said he wanted one. And then they're 11 quid online,

so it only took him two and a bit weeks to save up for it. Right. Got you. That's, I've quite a fun present. My kids are still obsessed with squishies and needos. Yeah. That's still a big thing in London. Meadow, the former Egyptian spurs striker.

No, no, no, needos. Is it, as I not got down? I think you spoke with it. I don't mean it's got down to X City yet, is it? No, if your daughter was obsessed with Mido, would you see that as a good thing or a bad thing? I think it's good to have role models, and I think Mido's, you know,

apart from playing with Cotnam's done nothing too bad. No, it's quite weird, wouldn't it? Yeah, Mido. I mean, he's a very niche player. Let me get to see if there's any controversial on his Wikipedia before I can give you a full answer. So Mido, he's a play for IAC. He put on a little bit of timber in retirement, but who does?

I remember that, yeah. Six foot two, 43. Play for Roma. Yeah, I'll get her a Roma shirt, probably not the top normal one. Again, played that good career, Middlesbrough, went to Wiggin, but finished at Barnsley.

In January 26, Mido Spark controversy after claiming on a podcast that magic and mercury and religious figures influenced the Africa Cup of Nations, team rituals and squad selections, suggesting this affected his exclusion from the 2010 squad.

His remarks through criticism for questioning of legitimacy of Egypt's achievements, leading the Supreme Council for media regulations and barring from media appearances pending an investigation. Oh no.

media. He said, and they're taking out of context. I think that's fine. It's a little bit of beef. I think it's fine. So, yeah, in answer to question, I'd be absolutely fine with my daughter, absolutely loving Mido instead of Nidos.

Okay. How would you feel about your son, absolutely loving megaphone, the Spotify podcast RSS link system? Well, it would be good for me, because obviously I've gotten in so I could probably show him around the offices, I reckon.

Do you reckon I can get it? Yeah, because there'll probably be a few megaphone branded, like no pads, pens. Yeah, exactly. Show around the offices. Yeah. I'll probably get him a meet and greet with Rory Stewart. He'd be stood on a corner doing an interview.

What's positive about it is in the future, if he continues with this, an interest in new media, is excellent for a future career. I'd argue that if my daughter was, obsessed of Mido, the ex-Egyptian Topin and Roma footballer, apart from having a great hobby, I don't know what's bringing it, you know,

I'd say megaphone's your best option. So, as one says it. Go ahead. I can you try it out as a feature? What is the weirdest, niches thing a child's become obsessed with? Well, that, and also, if anyone from Megaphone or Mido's offices are listening,

would love a Mido shirt, if you've got one, and we'd love any megaphone, the podcast hosting platform, that Spotify use. Yeah. Can I also add on that since the last episode and I, DHS have got in touch with me. Oh, brilliant.

You remember this, my son being into DHS vans? Yes, he's obsessed with it. DHS have been in touch and they've offered for them to deliver some DHS toys to him in a DHS van that you can then have a look around. Oh, well, I mean, it would be absolutely mental for them to deliver it not in a DHS van. Yeah. The thing is... I can't believe I'm saying this about a DHS...

There's some D.HL toys and a DHS van. You worry about him being spoiled by getting all of his dreams when he's fired. I mean, nepotism is a big thing, and you can't... You know, this boy's got to live his life and realise not every day's like this. Exactly. Before you know it,

before you know it, you've got a Brooklyn Beckham situation on your house. Exactly. He's been a DoorDash advert. This episode is brought to you by new personal non-bio ultrastane removal capsules. Josh, how much washing do you think you guys get through? Oh, mate, so much. Because you're kids, right? Obviously. It's not like they're keeping their clothes clean as their priority. Do you know what I mean? No. Having fun is their priority. Yes.

So you could be getting through more than one outfit in the day because, you know, they'll go play in the garden, and they'll jump on the trampoline, but it'll be muddy to get to the trampoline or whatever. But you've got to just accept that because that's being a kid. Do you know what I mean? You don't want it to be going to your kid, oh, this is important. You want them to be enjoying their life, right?

Well, and I got my daughter that hot chocolate. She had a white jumper on and was driving along. I was like, I have some hot chocolate if you want. And I was like, she's definitely going to spill that on a jumper. But I'm like, do you want to be the dad that's like, take the jumper off, put it to the side, because you might spill it, drink it. You're like, no, just let her learn,

let it dribble down the top. We can wash it when you get home. Exactly, because that stain, Rob, says I'm having a fun time. Yes. Your grass stains on your trousers, they say I've had a fun time outside. Now, if you have all this wonderful chaos going on in your house, give Purcell's new non-bio ultra-stain removal capsules a world. They're designed to be gentle for the whole family.

It's gentle but powerful too as it delivers ultra-stain removal. And the fast-desolving capsules work even in quick and cold washes. Perfect for all those stains and spillages. Even when you're covered in hot chocolate. Exactly. Try new personal non-bio, ultrastane removal capsules. Ultra stain removal with a gentle touch on sensitive skin. Always keep away from children. Anyway.

How did we get onto that? How's your parenting week been, Rob? Do you know what? Very busy with parenting, actually. Loads have been going on. I did two days in a row at Bromley Glades. Oh, my word. It was...

Oh, was your school closed due to heat? Oh, so we were all smug last time we was on here. and hours are still open, an hour after recording. We got the email there. Your children can still come to school. However, if you didn't want to send them in, it wouldn't go down as an unauthorised absence. They're going in.

No, well, not the first day, because you can't be the parent that goes, wow, it's a day off from the heat wave. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And we've just got a big paddling, oh, also I've got a pad, right, I've got a big pool, but not a big, paddling pool. I basically impulse pool, 500 quid,

massive 12 foot, pad, or it's not a pack. Do you know what? Pound for pound, a better investment than the walking pad. A hundred percent. Just so no, Lou, I, I,

Lou, if Lou hasn't already sent a voicemail about this, defending herself, that she will when she hears this podcast drop and I'll feel bad. She's at Sports Day and I can't do sports. She'll have got to this point. Why can't you do Sports Day? Are you working?

I'm doing this to you now. We could have moved it. We couldn't. I've got, I'm too, it's too busy. Michael's in America. And then I'm going away, I've got a work, I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to America tomorrow for work. Oh yeah.

Oh yeah, you're doing, um, with Gary, I'm in-Dicka. You were going to do the rest of football. We got a padden, oh, I can't remember what I was talking about. You got a paddling pool. We got, well, it's not a paddling pool. It's bigger than a paddling pool, but it's not a swimming pool. It's like a massive, like, I can stand up to it, it goes over my nipples. That's a swimming pool.

That's a swimming pool, I'd say. That's a temporary swimming pool. That's an above ground temporary pool, right? Yeah. Anyway, so I built it on a whim when it was really hot in May, and then the builders that are doing the office. How does it take to fill? It took ages.

I did it before the hose pipe ban, before anyone comes for me. And how does it, how do you empty it? Well, you don't, you just leave water in it. And then, but so this is why I didn't realize. It's got a filter on it, so it's got to be plugged in. So now you've got a temporary swimming, so now you've just got a swimming pool forever that just happens to be in. Yeah, basically, until I stab it.

and all the water goes everywhere and floods the house. But it's basically, yeah, so now I've got to put chlorine in it. So he's basically... This is a swimming pool. Yeah, I know, but then also it was all right last week, but if you want to use it, you've got to buy a heater for it. What? And then you've got to plug it in.

So it's like, it's basically a swimming pool. But I didn't really know what I was doing. So now I've got a, I've got to put chlorine in it. And now lose all the thing to clean the bottom of it. I was like, we've bought a swimming pool by stealthy. But you can't leave it in your garden forever. This is the thing with swimming. pools, Rob. They are generally permanent.

Yeah, I know, but I thought it was a paddling ball. It's a massive. Yeah, so what are you going to do with it at the end of the summer? Maybe, I don't empty it and then fold it up. How are you going to empty it? It's a swimming pool of chlorinated water. Yeah, but you siphon it. You put a hose pipe in and sat down and it and it comes out. And then where are you going to pour it? In the garden, but it comes out slowly. So it's water in the plants. For two hours. You're going to walk up.

water the plants. No, no, just leave it on the floor. It'll take it. It'll take about two days. It's 20,000 litres. Is it not going to ruin your lawn? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're going to have no, you'll have no grass with the swimming. And you got to go out. It's a bad, the kids love it, but it's meant to buy a ladder? No, ladder comes with it. Fucking out. Don't we just send you it? What was that sound? That was a plate on my table. Is that metal? No, no, no, that's like fabric, grey fabric, and then they're plastic. tubes and then you get a little ladder that goes in with it. That's so big. It looks like that

swimming pool when... I know. I didn't understand how big it was... When Bart breaks his leg in the Simpsons and then they get that swimming pool next door. Is that next door? It looks exactly like that one. Basically, I'm just going to stick chlorine in it, ride it out for the summer and if it's a nightmare

get rid of it. It comes with a ladder. You can spend a fire. You could look. The kids have already had I'd say four days of mad fun in that. So pay per use at the moment. I'm not saying it's a waste of money. No, no, but I'm just saying. I'd say it's a good investment,

but I'd say it's a mad thing to have in your garden. It's so weird. Yeah, yeah, it looks really rough and ready. I'd say I'm not, a lose not, and I'm not a massive fan of the aesthetic at the moment. No. It's the kids are loving it, and it's been on. It's solar powered.

Well, it isn't. You've got a cover for it, but it heats up the first. inch of water and the rest of it's like that like minus winzy what you're reading my Josh oh we've got this home I just found there's this nightmare situation with um you know my daughter's broken her arm yeah so we've got a we've got a holiday booked for July start of the summer holidays some like summer I've been waiting to find out how this plays out and I just saw that I'd got a text about it bit of a problem really

Rob, a bit of a nightmare. We can either go to this swimming pool, a holiday that is about swimming, yeah? Yeah. With my daughter, with her arm in a cast. Yes. Not ideal. Total waste of money.

Yeah, pretty much, yeah. Yeah, could we move it to, we've got these five days in August we can move it to? It'll be, because we've booked the holiday out at the start of July, at the earliest we can do it in July, at the earliest we can do it in July, to get the cheaper rate.

Yes. To move it to mid-August, it's an extra two grand on flights. So fuck that. Yes, that's insane. So then we went back and we said, can we move it to next year? They've said, no, you can't move it to next year.

So what about October, what about October half term? But I don't think the weather will be good enough, will it? It's a fucking nightmare. I don't want to spend all that extra money on a holiday. It's already an expensive holiday. Well, basically, what they do with changing flights last minute, flakes last minute, is that they know that no one's doing it out of choice.

It's sort of like a situation like this. So they just go even into. It's not even the flights. It's totally understandable. The hotel, the reason we booked it when we did. Yeah. Is because then we didn't want to go in August because it's too expensive in August. Because it's a kid's summer holiday.

So if you get that cheaper one just before, if you take them out. Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. So, oh, what would you use? do in that situation, Rob? Not, I wouldn't change it to, I'd go, I'd try to move it to October, if they'd do that, or if not, um, just think of activities you can do that isn't.

Oh, but then you're paying, you're slightly, right, if you're not paying the extra money for August, you're like, I'm already paying quite a lot of money for a bad holiday. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. You're like, punishing yourself. You're like, you should really throw a good money. running after bad to make this a good holiday. So say, for example, you're booking a holiday now and she's got a broken arm.

Would you just not go on holiday, do you think? Or would you try and find a different holiday experience? I wouldn't go to a holiday, which is all about the pool. And she wouldn't be able to go on a theme park ride of a bad arm, would she, either? They wouldn't let her on. No. But it's fine because we can do other holidays. Do you know what I mean?

In August, we could do a cheaper holiday in August. And you can't cancel it. Oh, Rob. Rob, Rob, Rob. That's not the news you wanted, is it? No. It's so much more. There's like a cost of holiday.

Because you're adding it on to the holiday. Do you know what I mean? Do you know what I'd say, Josh, is I'd get one of the castings because they're like 30 quid. They can go over the arm and she might not be able to swim, but like she's not, she's not Rebecca Adelton doing lengths. She's just going to be playing with toys and she'll get used to it and not even realize it.

And then you can go in an hour. She can still do San Francisco. castles of a left arm or whatever and that protects it. But would that or Rob, would it be better to do 25 degrees in October? In October. I'd push to October if it's if you can for the similar price or average average of 21 degrees. No no thank what's 21 degrees like that is you're enjoying five to six hours of bright sunshine daily expect roughly five to six days of rainfall throughout the month fine. How long are you going for with this soon holiday?

Oh, the water cools down, but that's the sea. That's the sea. What's a pack, layers. Five nights. Five nights. Five nights. I think just go for it. Put the little arm thing on it.

If it was two weeks and it was a big mega holiday somewhere, but like... Oh, Rob, it's so difficult, isn't it? I think get the cast thing for five nights. And because if it's, it'll be a novelty getting in the pool with it on, she'll probably find it quite funny and like it. And then by the time it's really annoying because you can't swim, swim, you're coming home anyway. Would you give it a run out in a pool over here?

No, I'd give it a run out over there. So it's all or nothing on day one of the holiday. You don't want to get, it's too much money. It's going to cost too much money in August. You don't want to go there in October. I think go there. And also there's like other things you can do with her. You don't like the sun.

the water too much either. You could go on little day trips out and about. She doesn't want to go on day. We're not a day trip. We're not a day trip family, Rob. We are a holiday where we don't do stuff. I thought you'd be a bit more, get bored of that. I want to be out and about.

Fuck that. Really? We go on holiday to not do stuff. Right, okay. I don't want to go on a day trip. I don't want to go and see a historic fort. I don't want to... I thought that'd be right up your street.

No. That's my day trip. to day life, Rob. On holiday, you want to just kick back with a bucket of woo-woo juice and a sex in the beach? Well, if I'm lucky. Yeah, I think go with the Armcast cover. Okay. I think she'll find it funny, and she's at 7-8, she's like, and it doesn't hurt her anymore, does it?

No, I think it'll be fine. I think it'll be fine. I think we go, beginning of July. And even if she has to just sit on the edge with it on and she's all playing with toys and stuff like that, I think. And there's other stuff you can do, a mess of bed. out with. Yeah. Is it a right or left?

It's her right, Rob. And that's her dominant hand. That's her dominant. Actually, she's proved to be very good with her left hand in terms of writing and drawing, surprisingly, which is, you know, a good discovery. Yeah, ambidextrous. There's a positive spin on it. Also, you could get to, you could spend all that extra money, get to August, and she could

have a earache and not be allowed in the water anyway. You know what I mean? we go. No pun intended. Now, Rob, it is a special part of today's show. Yeah. Summer shenanigans and that's a good sound for summer shenanigans. Where we give our best advice for not just surviving but having an actual blast during the six-week holidays. And it's brought to by Monzo, who with their free kids account are helping children become more independent with their money. Yep. Drop my tips for the six weeks holiday.

Go on. Hit me. pace yourself yeah yeah it's long it's hot and it's hard sometimes it won't even be hot here's a little tip go on do not take your holiday if you're doing a holiday away yeah don't cash that in week one unless you you can save money you can save money because of your term date say sometimes kids have like earlier breakups so if you can fly on that date but then you're staring down the barrel of a five weeker that's the equivalent of Chesney hawks coming on opening with I am the one and only and then doing the rest of the set. But when I saw Chesney Hawks, he opened with it and closed with it.

And exactly. If you can afford two holidays, have one at each end. We like to call that the Chesney. Yeah. Start with it and end with it. Or what other tips? Just never go camping ever. Yeah.

That's not really a tip. It's sort of a personal mantra of mine. What do you do if you need to work and your kids are in the house during the summer holidays? I like to give them a little thing called a device. Yeah. which is slightly frowned upon, but I wouldn't do it every day for six weeks.

I watched a lot of TV in the summer, Rob. Yes, but I would say you watched too much TV. You've become completely obsessed by it. Your only knowledge base is an eight-year period where all you did was watch TV, and you've since gone on to use that as reference points for a very good career in the media, but also written a book about it.

And I would say that's great because it's work for you, but I would say you are the exception, not the rule. Yeah, okay, fair. Well, let me put it this way. There's a halfway house. What I would say... What's that, 90 TV show? What I would say...

Go on. And I'm liable for this, yeah? And Rose has brought me in on it. Don't overplan the summer. It is a holiday for them. You can't just back to back to back to back stuff because you're worried about them being bored. Yeah.

Sometimes kids have to find their own entertainment. Experience buffer. We need buffer. I mean you're the worst for no buffer. Here's another tip, Rob. Go on, go on. Tip me off. If you're looking for summer class,

Yeah. I started a WhatsApp group with the parents of my daughter's friends and said what summer clubs is everyone doing so that then they're much easier to sell to your child when you go, your friends are already doing this. So and so is going. Yes. Yes.

I would say kids are more interested in what their friends are doing than what the actual content of the club is. Look what the friends are doing and then offer that to your kids. That would be my tip. The other good thing to do is this is a tip that we've done before. find friends with the kids and then if there's four of you, you can almost split a week up where you go, like I'll take Wednesday off and have all the kids with me on Wednesday

and have a day with them. And then the other two or three people take the Thursday or the Friday off and then the same four kids just get moved around from house to house. Perfect. That's a good system. What about days out, Rob? What's your stance? Your stance on days out?

I'm a big fan of the old trip to the seaside fish and chips on the coast, but then it's difficult at the British seaside because you want it warm but you don't want it too hot. Yeah, yeah. You don't want a 30 degree in dim church. What you don't want, Rob, is one of those days that it's so hot that a picture of the beach you go to ends up

on the tabloid newspaper with what a scorch are written on. No, the worst case scenario. What you want is you go, do you know what? I'm not sure about the weather I'm going to take a jumper, but that jumper never gets worn.

Yeah. I'm feeling quite confident for the summer holidays. We've put in enough things, but we haven't overpacked it. We'll see how it plays out, Rob. Yes. The holidays are a great chance to teach your kids about money as well, aren't they?

A Monzo Kids account lets you schedule pocket money, gives the kids their own card, a child-friendly app view, and gives them fee-free spending abroad. With the added security of parents' see and spending notifications in their app too. Monzo's award-winning kids account, search Monzo. For children aged 6 to 15, parent or guardian account needed first UK residents-only,

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Visit L'Oreal.com to learn more. Oh, I tell you this, we've got a little bit of time on this one. I've got loads more to tell here. I've not really spoken about parenting for ages. So I went to the, I went to go for a run around the park on Saturday. Yeah? Yeah. Get there.

Quite a few people. There's always fun runs or stuff going on at the weekends. Part run. Well, I didn't know about part run. I didn't know about park run. Where have you been living under a bloody rock? Yeah, but I didn't know park run was a thing. I just, there's always different fun runs for kids.

for adults at the park, right? Anyway, so I'm there. Loads of people. We get there about half. It's starting in one minute, park run. It's brilliant. So what tones it normally start? 9am.

So I get there with my mate and we go for a run. And I've never run with anyone before and I was a bit scared. It's not for me. But he was very kind and slowed down and just went at my pace. But we did, I did 5K in 32 minutes. Solid, very good. Very good. Yeah.

You're my sort of resident cover star of running. Anyway, so we do that, and I'm following him along. I didn't know about park run. We get there at 9.30. So there's a few people about, but not loads. For the record, Rob, that would put you just below medium on a park run. Medium, just below medium. Okay, but I didn't get there at the start time.

I got there at half nine. So most people had finished. So I didn't mean I was going on. I was like a fun run. And then I'm running around. There's a lady in like high vision. stood there. She goes, this is, hang on I don't know, I didn't know what part run was. She goes,

you're doing a part run? And I went, yeah? Oh no. She went, what? I went, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm doing a part run. And I'm like, yeah, obviously. What do you? I'm in a park and running. Yeah, exactly. Like, why is she asking? This is like, you know, it's like I was walking up. So I'm going, are you breathing? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. And I went, yeah, yeah. And she went, are you there or not?

I went, you're having a park running? She went, oh yeah, good one. I was like, what? It's usually much friendier than that.

Yeah, I know, but she thought, I'm trying. It's famously inclusive and friendly. Absolutely, but I think I imagine she might be,

might get a little stick of people that just run and don't want to do a part run kind of thing, right? I'm oblivious of this, so now she's up in my grovely and my mate is, so what time is people finishing at this point?

This is like 9.45, because I'm 15, 20 minutes in. The slow coach isn't finishing. Yeah, so she probably probably wanting to get going. She's probably looking for the last person. Yeah, yeah.

So she can go, right? Yeah, I'll cut out the odd. She's stood, the way I'll run is literally just a loop, right? The only other way to go is, yeah, but the only other way to go is the main road or you stay in the park. Right? And she's like, this way, I'm like, there's no other way. If you got lost on that part run, you should not be allowed out the ass on your own. If any part run didn't need a marshal

Right? People love marshalling it, they're up They do, and then she was like, yeah, good one And I was like, no, I wasn't trying to be funny. Anyway, so I do that, go in a cafe, then this happens, right? And this is the same, and I don't want to look needy, but I feel like I had at that woman that told me I would have run it before, someone snagged me off for me new shoes,

I had a bit of back and forth for Park Run lady. Now, I'm in a cafe with my mate on the hottest day of the year, and I'd have porridge trying to be healthy. Never been so hot in my life. I'd run a 5k and started eating porridge. Anyway, so I'm sat there. And at the end of my run with him, I sprinted. I went, oh, let's just sprint the last.

And I was really out of breath at the end. I was really happy myself. Fastest one I've ever done. Anyway, so I'm in the cafe, the lady comes up to me. She goes, you need a personal trainer. Same woman? Different woman. Bloody hell.

Now, in what world can you ever say that? And it'd be the right thing to say. Yeah, that is one thing you can't say to anyone ever. And it's not, there's no caveat there of what, Because even if you, you know, if you think someone does. Maybe if you were in a gym and someone's technique was bad, you might go, do you know what? I think you need a personal training because you're going to do yourself an injury.

Yeah, or they come in with, oh, and this happened to me before. When I was trying to do pull-ups, he said, big muscle man, went, oh, you're better off coming down slow. Rather than just like pulling yourself up and drop it, come down slow because you work the arms on the way back and then you'll build up from there. I, you know, and I was, oh, thanks, mate. And then you could go, but I do a bit of person training.

I've got more tips. Yeah, not in the conversation. You need a person trainer. All right. Yeah, that one's for free. But come. And I sort of was like, oh, okay. And then she went, yeah, I saw you running and being out of breath at the end.

And I was like, well, surely, you need a, you should need a person to train if you're not pushing yourself. Yeah. If I weren't out of breath, then I wouldn't, I won't push myself hard enough. So I don't, anyway. So I was like, all right. She went, yeah. Do you mean, we were watching you? This is two ladies there.

And then I was like, and I said, well, okay, well, next time you're exercising, and I'll watch you from afar, then I'll come over with feedback. Yeah, and then I said, and then I'll see how long it takes you to ring the police. He's bit. I've bit. I've bit big time, right? And I'll just give you a bit back, right? Then she went, yeah.

I used to be a personal trainer. And now this lady, I'd say, was older than me. Yeah. And I said, I regret it slightly, but I came. She went, I used to be a personal trainer, and I went, well, I can see you've retired. Whoa. Yeah. Felt a bit of me mean, because that's double that.

Yeah, bit of body showing. And to be fair, she did look older, but she didn't look like she let self go, which is annoying. But, yeah, she's in really, really good shape, actually. But let's forget that. I'm just going out for the age. I was like, just fuck off. What did she say? She was like, uh, what I think's happened there is she, she,

thought she was doing banter. She misplaced it. And then she was doing banter. Before she knew it, she was doing bad banter. Bad banter. I didn't hit the mark. I felt like saying, who goes up? Someone says, you need a person? I was like, fuck off. I'm trying my best. I don't know much time. I've run the fastest I've ever run. I'm feeling really good. Don't tell me I need a personal trainer. Let me eat my porridge in the heat. You get me sweat into my oats, okay? I don't go up to people. I don't ear with conversations in the pub and go, oh, you need, you need an anecdote train and you're boring. Yeah.

You do that, don't you? Yeah, sometimes. I've seen you do that a couple of times. I don't just say it, but my eyes tell the story. And they go, yeah, yeah. Were you waiting for this set up when they added extra info you don't need? Yeah. Keep going to me.

Just give me the bug. Anyway, yeah, so I've got more parenting stuff to tell you, but I thought I wanted to get out of the chest. Do you know what I'll tell you about, Rob? Was I too harsh going in another, but I just felt like... No, I don't think so. I didn't want to have a conversation. Do you want to hear a link to the next podcast?

Did we cover all the stuff that we teased last time? No, I'm going to tell you about going to a running trainer. Yes, okay, we'll do that next time. Yeah. Small business shout out? Yeah, why not? Oh no, it's a word, I can't say. Hello, I've been listening since the very first episode and love the podcast.

Could you give a small business shout out to my girlfriend, Georgina, and her new venture, the F-A-P-A-P-E, what's that? F-A-U-E, sorry, say that again. F-A-U-V-E, and then P-A-U-V, the F-V-V, F-V-V, F-V, F-A-U-V. P-A-L-T-T-E. That's P-A-L-T-E. She's a qualified art teacher who is running a number of different fun and creative art workshops. Yeah.

She's a qualified art teacher who is running a number of different fun and creative art workshops for children and adults over the summer from Merton, Abby Mills Market, covering Merton, Wimbledon, Streatham, Sutton, Kingston, upon Thames. Her workshops are open to all school levels and focus on creativity, confidence, having a great time. She'll updateing the Instagram with more events. You can find her at the Fav. The shout-out would be amazing and have been the world to her. Thanks for all the laughs over the years.

Thank you for the last. Now, I literally, I know I'm dyslexic and I'm not a French speaker, but I just think that is a mental name of a business that I literally can't say out loud. The ferv palette. The ferv. Well, to be fair, she's got a lot out of us. Well, she has. The ferva-u-e-e-e-e-pallet.

The ferv-pallet. There you go. But good luck. Good luck. Hi, Rob, Josh. And Mike, Mike, I'd love to give a genuine shout-down. To a brilliant local business, three-nines training. It's run by my son-in-law, Matt, who's also a serving firefighter.

And what I love most is that his passion for safety doesn't stop when his shift ends. He gives his time freely at his local football club inviting supporters to have a go on the CPR dummies and learn what to do in an emergency. He also visits schools teaching children's children. simple life-saving skills, building confidence from such a young age. For him, this isn't just a business. It's a real commitment to helping people feel capable and prepared, just like us, Rob. Through three-nine's training, he delivers high-quality first aid and fire safety training across the southwest, yes, bringing real-life experience as a genuine passion for delivering life-saving

skills that truly make a difference. If you're workplace in his training or you're due to refresh your certification, visit three nine, the words, not the numbers, three nines, as in 99, three nines training.co.com.uk. So is that just the digit? No, it's not three nines, it's the word three, and then the word nines, training. Dot co.com. I'd say, like, I'm not into advertising and branding, but I think both of these could do with a little tidy up.

You'll be very safe hands. I don't want to be too brutally honest, but that is. a red flag for me and I think you're great guys and you've got great businesses here but make it easy. The word. Nine's the word. Training.

Word. And Fervv, F-A-U-V, Pallet. The Fervf Pallet. This is the way it's to repeat it though. Keep up the great podcast, Alison. Fervve in English. Ferv.

I mean, I've gigged and lived and know people from Streatham. Goodbye. I'll see you next week. It's Farn. Oh, fuck me. Bye. Goodbye.

That's fawn. What's fawn? I don't even know what it is in fucking English.