Parenting Hell with Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe - S13 EP10: I wouldn't change a thing

Episode Date: August 21, 2026

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UK residents, T's and C's apply. Hello, you're listening to Parent in Hell with... Baby's... Baby's done a pay. Olive, say Rob Becker. Rob back here. Say Josh Whitakam. That's sweet.

It is a funny name. Well done, Olive. What? What? What? Kids think your name's funny because I think it's like Willie. I think they know comedy. They know comedy.

Josh Willie Come is still, that still makes me laugh. Well, Willie Come. Willie's funny and then a Willie Cumming and it's all one name that's real. Yeah, yeah. Did you have Willie Come at school? I used to draw Jizz and Cox at school. Yeah, but she's 21 months old, Olive. Well, she's not at school yet when she gets there.

How are you excellent humans? This is 21 month old Olive, very late, three and two days. Oh, she's three in two days. Yeah. Saying your names and stumbling over the hilarity of Whitacom. Sorry, Josh. She has two older sisters, Nina and Martha. So basically never stops talking.

My girls fit tightly into their family position stereotype. That's olive is wild, but we wouldn't change a thing. Sending this from Normandy. I think when people say we wouldn't change a thing implies that they have thought about changing a thing. Yes. Because I've never in my last, the only time I've ever said never changed a thing is if something's a slight problem. Yes. I've never gone, oh, we've bought a house, so we live in Bromley, wouldn't change a thing.

Well, what? I wouldn't even, because it's, yeah. Anything that's just normal. Yes. I met Lou, we got married. I did comedy now she's an author. Wouldn't change a thing. Yeah.

Have you ever said wouldn't change a thing? I say wouldn't change a thing sometimes where I go, yeah, George, the second dog's a bit of a nightmare. It was a lot easier with a first dog who's really calm and well, well behaved. But I wouldn't change a thing. If I'm honest, I would. I would. I'd make him easier. Yeah.

I'd change it, so he was either easier or I just had one dog. Fluffball's got bad legs. Wouldn't change the thing. They would. I'd quite like a cat that his legs are fine. I suppose I wouldn't change fluffball. If they offered me a different cat, I'd keep fluffball. But if they offered you a different cat than fluffball...

If they offered me a version of fluffball with legs that worked, I'd take that. It's Dean's legs all right. Yeah. Sending this from Normandy, where we are... on holiday for my 40th. Wouldn't change a thing. The next sentence is a pure wouldn't change a thing. Is it a God?

Visited a cheese museum this morning. Wouldn't change a thing? Did she say it? She's not said one, Jen. The kids did not appreciate the smell of maturing Camembert. Stay lovely and relatable, Rachel, 40 and 10 days. So it's like 12, so that's like 12 times 40,

480 months from Stockport. Well, why is she telling us his birthdays in, what, why won't you just say three and four? just go three and four. Sorry, I feel like me and I'm really having a go at Rachel. Yeah, I don't know why you've gone so hard on Rachel. Why do you think it's unnecessary information? Three and two, like just say three, just say 40.

Yeah, well, there we go. I'm too direct though, aren't I? Some people like to have a little bit of like extra information and sort of, I'm not very aesthetic. You're not a man for bedside manner? No, I'm not. I'm not a, I'm not a smooth it over with floral language guy. I'm quite direct. You're not a shit sandwich. You're pure shit. Yeah, just give me a handful of shit. and I'll eat it and deal with it.

Yeah, yeah. And go, where's the bread? Don't need bread. I've got it down me. What's next? Exactly, yeah. Wouldn't change a thing. Lovely shit sandwich.

How are you, Rob? I'm good. It's summer holidays. So, yeah, it's good, actually. Busy. Kids are off doing stuff, but I'm not working as much. I did have to do a fest, not have to do. Well, I did have to do because I agreed to do it,

but I did a festival gig at the weekend that I'd agree to do and then sort of realize, oh, God, I haven't gigged for like three months. Yeah. When it came round, I was like, oh my God, I've got a proper 40-minute show. Did you warm up for it? Yeah, so I did a gig in Islington, the Bill Murray gig. Oh, yeah. Which was sold all off their mailing list,

and you basically just get local, sort of quite middle-class people that live in Islington. I warmed up my last tour about four different gigs entirely, and the Bill Murray was one of them. It's really nice. But it is a comedy crowd. Sorry. Bless you. You know what I mean?

It's a very comedy fan crowd, isn't it? Yeah, all of the audience are very similar to one another. It's very similar little vibes. So I said like, give me true if you're a scaffolder. Obviously silence. Then I said, give me to you if you've ever directly spoken to a scaffolder. And then they're all pissed themselves. No.

I'll speak to whoever the project manager is. So I went there, did that. And then the next day I went to the festival. It was a music festival in a, it was quite a good festival. Hatfield House. I don't know that. Sean Walsh was on before me, but he was on

Drew and Dizzy Rascal. Oh, no. And a fix-up, look sharp, come on. And Sean actually stopped. I was like, look, we're going to have to address this.

It's one of the catchiest, loudest songs of all time. But I did the gig. The gig was all good, but it was funny. I did well, but it's,

the hardest thing, we're now back into retirement. It is weird, isn't it? It's the flow. I know I can be funny, but to put a show together, you need to be world,

practice so that it flows. So I'm doing bits. It was funny. And then all of a sudden my brain was like, you have nothing in there. And then you're only is a half a second, but it feels like an eternity on stage. But it's good fun. It's a nice crowd. I know exactly what you mean. It's, it's that, it's fine if, if you've got a good following wind, because you've got those laughs to think. Yes. And the more practiced you are, the less time you need to think, because you just know what the next bit is. I did a few of those comedy garden festivals over the summer and I enjoyed them,

but there is weird when you're in a period where you basically aren't really doing stand-up and then you suddenly do stand-up. It is an odd thing. It makes you really scared. It's a nice feeling though, but like I'm in the mood, not yet, but in autumn. I think when the kids back, probably October time,

I'll be in the mood to go and do like 10 minutes at comedy clubs with new material. I've really got a first... The tour is being announced. The tour... No, it's not. It's not. It's being programmed at the moment.

If you're listening at our agency, off the curb, I'd start penciling the dates. Well, yeah, maybe pencil the dates. It's good to have options, isn't it? Let's not announce anything. But I've got nothing to say. I don't know what to say. Understander.

Well, you just not stopped you for the last 20 years. The only thing I've noticed different, though, now, is because I think I've done a lot of... work on myself to not, I used to be so negative about myself that I'd need an audience to laugh at me and like me to make myself feel better because I was so negative. Yeah, I don't know that's completely gone. No, but it's a lot less. Yeah.

So I've, I used to have to gig all the time for sort of a morale boost, but I can sort of do that by other more chilled indoor things now. So it's good though, because that was more a toxic way of performing where now I'm just going to think of something funny to say and then say it but later on in the year when I want it's not so hot outside. Yeah. I've got various notes and I'm in London a bit. I've got evenings free in London coming up. No, Josh. No. I'm going to tell you now, you're autumn. You have to enforce rest time. Don't book other stuff in when you're up. You've already got too much in. You need to find something you do that is relaxing and restorative that isn't

work or obviously used to be boozing. All right. I'm going to do photo, photography. Yeah, but also make it, but what else did it help? Cinema on your own? I don't really enjoy the cinema. No. No. What about a gym? Do you're in London? So when you're in London, I do hotels with gyms, but I don't like going to the gym in the evening. Why is that? Why don't I like going to going to the gym in the evening? Yeah, yeah. I can ask you again if you want. Sorry, it's all this duolingo.

You're stalling for time, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah. Look, I like the idea of the gym in the evening. No, I don't like the idea of the gym in the evening. But you famously said that you used to go to the gym in the evening here. You said you used to go on the... It's not for me.

So why don't like you... Why don't you like the gym in the evening? Sorry, you keep evading the question here. Because in your buzzing, you don't feel like... I feel like it's a thing that drives my day rather than the thing that Can I ask my question? Is it because you don't like having a shower before bed?

No, it's not because I don't like having a shower before bed. You don't like having a shower before bed, do you? No, I don't know. No, you don't. It wakes me up. You wakes you up? I like to do things in the evening that bring me down. Okay.

If you had the whole house to yourself, what would bring you down? Watch TV or read a book? And why can't you do that when you're in London or you go mad in a hotel room doing that? No, I don't go mad. I just think, oh, fucking hell, I'm having a... Why don't you do this? I'm having a hacker on my own on a bed

while I watch... Why don't you do this, Josh? TV that I can't quite get good TV because it's a hotel TV, so I haven't got Netflix. So my choice is something I don't want to watch on a big screen or Netflix on a laptop and I don't like watching on a laptop.

But you can't you? I've never known how to do screen screen. It is. I tell you what you should get You should get like a new iPad or device thing So you can watch films on it And be like a big one I'm going to go out and take photos

Of it over the evening in London Like in the dark and cold And everyone's shouting at you Why is it why is it why would they be shouting at me Because you're on the telly No, put on a hat No one knows I am Really?

Yeah I swear I'm like my I'm too loud And my head's too big No Rob your audience is much more more front foot. Is that joking what it is? Scaffolders aren't interested in the last leg. I get a lot of builders shouting at me off building sites.

Yeah, of course. Of course. But I come back hard at them. Of course you do, Rob. Well, so I went, oh, where are you going, Becky? And I went, what are you doing at? You're putting it up or you taking it down? Yeah.

I don't even know what that means, but it feels like I've put them in the hot seat. Yeah. And then whatever they say, I'll go, well, wave away, get a fucking move on you. I don't know what I shit. It depends on the location. It's not ideal. But if it's a quiet location, no family. You get the audience you deserve.

Why don't you do this then, Josh? You've got spare evenings in London. Why? I can't I just go and take some photos? No, because I don't think you'll be happy with that. I think I'm trying to. I will. I love it.

No, you won't. You'll like it. Let me do what? Let me meet me. No, because you're already worried about it. I'm going to put it a gig in. I'm not worrying about it. Then it'll go, what I'll do is I'll do the photos for the photography book.

and then I'll do it on the way to a comedy club and then I'll do the gig and then on the way back then I'll wake up in the morning and then I do strictly then I do last night then I'll be tired buffer buffer buffer

I think you should maybe message friends that live in London or nearby and say one and go for a bit of dinner with them oh fuck that you don't want a Waxaca alone no I'm fine I'm gonna walk the streets

the streets is my you were saying before you've got time alone in London you don't like being alone in hotel rooms I know and I've found a solution wander the streets of a camera. Yeah. And when it's cold and rainy?

More dramatic. Okay. Okay, just say, I just think, I'm just worried how you. I'm just not going to do stand-up. I'm just not going to do stand-up. Don't do stand-up. No.

Should we do to correspondents? Oh, yeah, do you not want to hear about duolingo? Well, you're just learning French and duolingo. Yeah, it's not very interesting. But I don't know what else to say or ask, or anything you want to share? Well, you could ask if I've got a brother or sister, but that's about it.

Have you got a proper sister? I'm not quite there yet. Frere and Ser. Fere and ser. What level are you on? Three. It's like a computer game. If Duolingo was the top of France,

how far have you gone down France would you say at this point? I'm a walking distance to Norway. Okay. Should we do a thingy? What's some correspondence? Yeah. Oh, the only thing I need to talk about is my kids have got into this YouTuber called Jordan Matter. It's like this big, massive ginger airblow.

And his daughter was like 16 called Salish. And they do these mental videos. Everyone's screaming and like, and like, and like, because I let them watch this Moira Elizabeth who's like quite, she basically does squishies where she like paints them or repairs them or sets up stuff. And obviously it's not aimed at me, but it's really well done. She's very charming, very funny. the editing's quite clever and slick. But this other one is just like pure, just like screaming, like, oh my God, ah!

And it's like utter shit. Yeah. And I don't want to be like the dad who don't like the kid, but I like, it jazes them up as well. It's almost like it's been designed to just hit their dopamine at every point from the analytics of the YouTube video. And it's like, this is a fever dream of hell. And then my kids were struggling to go sleep last night.

So, Jordan Matt, I might, but like these videos have had like 128 million views. How you spelling it? Jordan as in like Katie Price or the Middle East big up our EMEA business And then Mattras in one matter No M-A T-T-T-E-R They seem like nice people I've got nothing against them personally but like the video They're just so intense

But it feels like it's all designed Jordan matter has an estimated net worth of between 16 and 31 million dollars Hmm I think it'd be more than that But it's I can't deal with it I can't have it on in the house He's a photographer and a photographer photographer maybe we could uh yeah i think so he got big as a photographer so i've not seen that

content i think that might be quite but this content is is him and his kids doing like challenges it's like no rules for the day in the house and oh it's chaos i hate stuff like that it's really hard watch so i'm going to try and wean the kids off it if anyone's got any YouTuber recommendations because i don't want to be that old person goes oh youtube's bad because it isn't but if there's youtube stuff for kids that you'd recommend a bit like more elizabeth please send them in so i'm like just fucking i'd be i'd be that old person i'd be that built a dream restaurant and hid it from my dad. Jordan Matter.

22 million views. And it's all like feels like staged and fake. Do you know what I mean? Five hours to put a top tier restaurant from a sketch. This is not going to be an easy challenge. Oh, fuck me. I can imagine my kids watching this. But yeah, if you've got any recommendations of good YouTubers that think are decent

and also are creating good content, not just doing stuff that makes children want to watch. Because I feel like they're getting addicted to sort of mad, Shep. Surprising my daughter with a dream vacation, 32 million views. Farking out. Not my scene.

You would, I'm struggling, you would, honestly, it would send you mental. No, thank you. Okay, Josh, some correspondence. This is more my pace, bit correspondence from some middle-aged people. Food theft story. Hello, Rob, Josh and Michael.

Listen to your episode with Rob's holiday toast thief, which reminded me of a time I was a victim of a similar crime in London. Oh, that's your manner as well. Could have been you. Last summer, me and my, well, we've not heard back from the people that accused me. So if they come back, Michael, please send them to my direct email. So I can mention that in the podcast. It's wrong Beckettahotahotcom if anyone wants it.

It used to be fat boy Beckettahotcom, but with PHAT. Oh, did it? Yeah. I don't know how it still exists. Last summer, me and my partner went to London to watch a show in the West End. Before we went out for a pizza in Covent Garden. One of these posh pizza places where seating outside often, and backs onto an adjacent restaurant's outdoor seating area.

Okay. As well as... So what? So I think it's like... It's Covent Garden. These are people from Wiltshire that are panicking because there's another restaurant next to a restaurant. Right, okay, yeah.

So basically, I think what you're saying is, you know, when you have a restaurant but there's another table next to your tables that's from a different restaurant. Right, fine, yeah, yeah, fine. And it's not part of the restaurant. And because they're called Alex and Ellie from Malesbury and Wiltshire. They're struggling in the big smoke.

That's what I think's happening. Anyway, one of these posh pizza places where the outside seat and often backs onto an adjacent restaurant's outdoor seating. All's well until a group of middle-aged, well-to-do American ladies, came and sat behind us. The restaurant next door was a fish restaurant, and my chair was back to back with this new arrival. Anyway, I love it when people from the countryside go to London,

and they just cannot deal with how close everyone is. Yeah, that's me these days. Anyway, our food arrives. We've both gone for a pizza, and as we love carbohydrates, we've got a bowl of chips to share too. Lovely. We're having a lovely time and all of a sudden, a dangling arm stretches across over my shoulder into our bowl of chips.

That is, that is mental. That is fucking mental. Stundered in shock. I saw what was happening. I turned around, flipped my elbow like I was swatting a seagull away, and I said, what the fuck are you doing? Yeah, I'd say. She's blended in with London perfectly there.

This is why people from London are so direct. The more I think about it, the more I think how wild it is to take a chip of someone else's place. It's insane. Let alone from a stranger sat at a different restaurant. That is mad. Even the lady's friends were a bit confused by their friend's confident thief behaviour. All she said in reply was, sorry, they just look so good. And we're yet to order and I'm starving.

That is absolutely mental. Am I out of order? Do you agree this is mentally? She's not out of order. Totally. That is totally okay to say, what the fuck are you doing? The extra detail of it being a different restaurant is so, add so much to it.

Yeah, I mean, because she's stolen from another restaurant. Yeah. Which when you're from, not from... So she can't even say I've ordered some myself, you can have one of mine. No, she's just, no. Yeah, like, it's not like, oh, I thought, I thought she was going to say, take them and go, I've ordered chips. And the argument would be, well, no, you obviously haven't,

because that's a different restaurant, not just leaning and take it. I've got to Google Malisbury, because I've never heard of it, and this is where they're from. I mean, it is absolutely picturesque, beautiful little market town, yeah.

I'll bet there's no restaurants backing onto each other there. Wow, that is mental, isn't it? Right, what do you want here? We've got getting Alford buying in-law, weird and interesting things your kids are obsessed with. Yeah, I like Alford by an law. Food Confessions. Let's do Alfred Vite.

You do food confessions, and then I'll do Alfred by an in-law. Rob, Josh and Michael, no point asking to be anonymous because this one is quite niche. My food confession is that when I was younger, if we had frozen chips for dinner, I'll take a couple out of the bag and eat them frozen. Basically a frozen chip lolly. And she's just moved on from that. Nothing else. My husband and his family have a very strange food confession. They enjoy salad cream on toast. And unfortunately it spread to the next generation as my daughter and niece and nephews all enjoy it too.

Liz Suffolk, age 492. Oh, no, thank you. Months, not years. Months. Hello, Rob, Josh and Michael. Please keep me a non to save my husband's pride and honor. You ask for stories of Alfa Dad, prospective father-in-law, and this reminded me of when our daughter, age 15,

she's now 33, had a boyfriend age 15, but he was the size of a rugby player. So I start again, how old is his daughter? The daughter and boyfriend are both. Both 15, but she is now 33. This is an old story. Okay, both 15, fine. My husband, clearly hating every second of their relationship,

lost his head and challenged the boy to an arm wrestle. Pathetic. Oh, no. There's no win there. You either beat a child at an arm wrestle, or you lose to a child. I actually thought my husband's head was going to explode during it. Every vein in his arm and head was visible.

So they got married. They stayed together. was obviously terrified of the grunting sweaty mess in front of him, and I think let my husband win. Oh, so this is, oh, so this is her husband now? Sorry, I thought she was talking as the girlfriend. Right. This is the mum.

The mum. I'm staying honest and my husband was heartbroken if he knew we all thought that. For the relationship, I only lasted a few months, and my husband went back to being the only man in my daughter's life for a while. Love the Pod. Anon. I've got big issues of this. by the way it's a non from Essex

which doesn't surprise me at all sounds like that could be someone's name a non from Essex I think she needs to have a conversation with him about that 18 years on is this 18 years on yeah bloody hell Rob

I'm sorry I've not got used to this the kids were 15 at the time but they're now 30 the daughter was 15 at the time so is the boyfriend the daughter is now 33 this is the mum yeah saying still doesn't don't mention it to him.

Yeah. I think, one, if you can't mention it to him at the time, there's issues because the communication barriers are not okay, and it's quite toxic. If two, you can't even have a laugh about it now, what kind of pathetic, fragile ego is this? But you can't have a laugh and go, God, what was I thinking? Yeah, and I really tried, but I'd just beat him.

Isn't that funny? What's your turn here? Dad, do you remember when you are, so about, shut up. No. No, no, didn't happen. No. I just think it's so, I think you've, me and Lou talk about everything and share everything, I think, which like, but I remember the only time I've ever said, don't tell people about this was when I microwaved every single Kiwi owned. Yeah.

And then I was embarrassed. But then I told everyone within four hours. Yeah. But I was, I was thinking about key. But I just don't think it's good. I think if you say it out loud, it takes the pressure off. and then also you can learn from it slightly. Yes, yes.

It can't be armresting 15-year-old children and also not be able to be speaking about it in case you're in Barron. This episode is brought to you by Holly Oaks on Channel 4, which we can't discuss without bringing up Mr. Rob Beckett's performance on the show. Tell me about it, Rob. I played Sunshine. Is that the guy that helped Warren Fox escape prison in 2024?

Yes, it is. So basically, we did it for Rob and Rommish, stunt, I did a stunt. Honestly, Rob, when I was a teenager, the thought of being in Holyoaks, that was different level. You have lived that experience, Rob. You've got to, when you're next on tour, you've got to go and it's amazing. Hollyoaks is one of the great British institutions, isn't it, Rob? Now, Josh, I don't want to be too sort of arrogant, but I thought it would be impossible for them to top my storyline.

I don't think they can do it, Rob. I don't think they can do it. I'm going to stop me there. They're really going for it this summer. you've got a wild D.D. Hutchinson storyline where she falls deeper into substance abuse and then get sent to rehab by her very concerned dad, Tony. Plus legendary Cindy Cunningham's back and causing chaos already, falling out with her niece Beth over a shock surrogacy secret reveal.

That's just a taste of all the chaos drama and shocking revelations. Holly Oaks always delivers. Get involved. You won't regret it. Also, do you know what? What? Sunshine didn't die. I can always come back. Oh, stream new episodes of Hollyoaks. every Monday to Wednesday on Channel 4. Two and five Canadians will hear the words you have cancer. That's why every step and dollar raised matters.

On September 19th, join thousands in Toronto for the Princess Margaret Cancer Foundation walk. Challenge yourself, friends, and family to walk 21 kilometers in support of life-saving research. Together, we can carry the fire and help create a world free from the fear of cancer.

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Luxury sales claim based on S&P Global Mobility Canadian New Vehicle Total Registrations for calendar year 2025 for the Cadillac definition of luxury. My dad used to rip open yellow pages, rip yellow pages apart. Did he like Jeff Capes? There's a party trick, yeah. So how many yellow pages would he have? It'd do one yellow pages. Yeah, and then you'd need a new yellow pages?

No, but yeah, yeah, yeah, you're just, the yellow pages of being half. I remember actually looking for it once, just reading the top half, trying to piece it at the bottom, because we kept it. Oh, he did it horizontally? Yeah. You have to do it that way, yeah. Yeah, wow. So like break, to and rip the spine at the end.

Yeah. But luckily, he's always been able to do it because... Easier these days, isn't it? As he's aged, the yellow pages has become more manageable. But in his head, he's still, you know. It's good. He's got, well, still has got big hands. He's not, you know, he's not been amputated or dead,

but he's always had big hands, big, strong hands for a little fellow. Weird and interesting things your kids are obsessed with. Yeah. Hi, Rob and Josh. My seven-year-old son has been obsessed. with gas tanks and canisters for the last year, the flow gas caligas type ones that you get in caravans off of barbecues. Now I should point out here as someone that did a caligas corporate,

two separate companies, very much competitors. Flow gas, caligas, separate entities. The Pepsi and Coke of gas calendars. And I've told you this when they asked me to do material about gas. No. I've never mentioned this? We'll have maybe. Just before I go on stage at the Calagas corporate,

if you could do some material about gas, that'd be great. I was just like, I mean, that's a, because if you say like it's an IT company or a travel company, you can sort of do an holiday thing or computer says, no, gas. Well, the other thing is, Calagas. I think if you've got IT, you've probably, you've got some, you've got some crossover material in your back pocket. Absolutely, yeah. The chances they're in.

applying there are you have material on gas. But it's time. But up until this point, you weren't thinking of using it for the Caligas corporate. Oh, thanks for reminded me. I've got my, I did an hour show at Edinburgh on gas, didn't I? Is that why you booked me? But then all I did was I just went on and slagged off the competitor. Yeah.

And they loved that. In one year, I did Domino's and Papa Johns and slagged off either of them at each other's. Oh, yeah. I felt great. Oh, yeah. I felt like Robin Hood. Okay. One of his favorite weekend activities is going to the petrol station to look at the ones they keep in the cages outside. For a while we had to find YouTube videos of people installing the tanks into their caravans or explaining the pros and cons of propane and butane in certain temperatures.

Jesus. Our friends kept giving us their old helium tanks for him to pretend with. At one stage, I think we had about seven of them in our living room. Seems like you may be moving on to street sweepers now, so we'll see what that entails. So he didn't like it, the flame or using it. He just like the shape of... Anyway, we're all learning a lot, as you can imagine, Jenny. Sorry.

No, but so it was like just to shape and the actual canister as opposed to the contents. Yeah. Because it's like, you know, because the obvious progression there is... It's fascinating, isn't it? What is the psychology of what you just get into and why it...

Why it triggers something in your mind that you're like, that is the thing I really like. Do you know what I mean? Well, So I've looked into this slightly with, I don't know about as children, but as adults. So I'm obsessed with football shirts, but I remember not being able to afford football shirts because they're very expensive as a kid. And then I remember, I needed a football kit for school and my mum got me in England kit from the market. But she didn't realize that the badge had to be sewn on.

Yeah. So I got it out the bag. And as I lifted it, I remember in the changing room, the badge fell off. and I was like all the kids saw, which it's quite funny, but when you're eight, it's like your whole world swamaged you on. So now obviously I'm obsessed with,

it's trying to get what I couldn't have when I was younger. Yeah. But when you're a seven-year-old... And then on my mom and dad did get me an arson shirt for Christmas, but then let me have it early because I'll start up there. So that was very nice of them. But then that sparked a thing. I think Jonathan Moss is the same with toys.

Yeah. He collects toys. But that, that's fine. and I get that. And you can see that in loads of things. I mean, that's a lot of kind of midlife crises, which yours isn't, but are people trying to make up for things they felt they kind of, do you know what I mean, like having a fast car or whatever?

No, I think that's different though, isn't it? That's more like a, I don't know. Well, is it midlife crisis to get a nice car if you've got the money? No, but no, no. But you know like midlife crisis stuff, like, you know, I can do this now. this thing I always didn't have and always wanted.

I can now take up karate or whatever. Also, go on. But with kids, it's not a reaction to anything. So, love it. Why does a kid like, you know, I, it's the kind of weird thing when you see people getting their kids into stuff. I always find that so fucking weird.

Yeah, just let them like what they like. Just let them like what they like. They might not like football. So don't put them in the kit and take them to the game and say, this is your first game and this is big for you and blah, blah, blah. Do you know what I mean? Imagine Francis, you know, Francis Bourgeois? Yeah.

The train guy. He's now like the new Grand Tour, top gear presenter, right? Lovely guy. Really, like, imagine him being put in a football kit and he stood there. I just want to go to the train station again, Mum. And it's this kind of thing. oh maybe I should like this because my parents like it. Do you know what I mean?

Yeah. But my dad hates football. It doesn't hate football. No interest in football whatsoever. He loved cars. Me and my brothers could not give a shit about cars. Yeah. No interest in and whatsoever.

He needed me. He needed me with my bloody petro-head knowledge. Oh, your car stuff. Yeah. But I just love football growing up and computer games. Exactly. And having a good laugh. Right.

It was just banter them, wasn't it? It was just good, honest banter. Quite toxic banter. Quite toxic, quite banter that will stick with you forever. Yeah, the sort of borderline, yeah, sogenistic kind of terms of phrase. Yeah. But that was the 90s. That was the 90s.

It was a great time. First week of university fails. Hi, Robin Josh. Love the show moment too. I have a story about my first week at uni and a fail through sheer embarrassment that never left me my entire uni career. Please keep me anonymous so I don't have to dive embarrassment all over again. I arrived in my uni halls on my first day, eager to make some friends like most people. I knew no one. My friends, specifically my dad, helped me carry in my new stuff from the car

to move it into my new room. My dad walked into the bedroom, which was quite dated and looked like it could do with a lick of paint. He smiled, looked at me as one of my potential new friends came into the room and said, I remember this from. For context, I went to the same uni where my parents met and had chosen to live in the same halls that they did. Oh no, no, no. My dad then went on to explain that in his

uni days prior to meeting my mum, he'd been quite the lad and had a few one-night stands, including one in this very room I was now going to call my own for the next year. Why is he saying? Just don't mention it. Why mention it? I assumed that at least they changed the mattresses,

since the 80s. I shriveled up in embarrassment. My new friends thought it was absolutely the funniest thing ever and continued to take the piss out of me for months. I had to spend the years sleeping in the same bed that I knew my dad as a 20-something year old student had had sex in. Safe to say this image scarred me for an incredibly long time, even if it did help break the ice with my new uni flatmates from anon. It's mainly, it's not all women. It's not mainly, it's more men than women. It's more men than women that do this. Can I just say as a message to sort of dads,

it's not about you anymore. Let it be the kids' first weekend at uni. Who, in their right mind, walks in and goes, I used to fuck in this room? Yeah. Night night, daughter. Yeah, bye. Just shut up. Oh, God.

He says that as a man who's on a podcast twice a week talking about what he's been up to, but, you know. You don't, you don't broadcast it at your door's halls. No. I don't podcast live from the mess room. Coming live from the University of Durham or whatever. Why would you say that though? Right, let's go to something else.

Let's move away from that. Right, do we got... Oh, solidarity. We got parenting help or parenting hell. Do you want to hear it? Yeah, go on. It's a long and strap in. Hello, thoughts on how I handled this situation that occurred to me recently.

Whilst on holiday, my wife and two young kids on a Spanish island, we went to a restaurant for lunch. The restaurant overlooked the beach and was fairly empty. We've maybe two or three of the tables next to the windows taken out of about 15. We sat down at a table, away from the other guests,

ordered some traditional local chicken nuggets and chips. Classic. And started our meal. Just as our food arrived, a couple were probably in their late 50s or early 60s came and sat on the table directly behind us, despite there being plenty of other empty tables. He immediately lit a cigarette.

The direction of the wind coming in from the window meant all the smoke blew away from him and all over our table. Annoying, but I thought it'd only last a minute or two. However, the moment his first cigarette was finished, he lit another. As before, all the smoke came across the table. Again, annoying but assumed that would be it.

As before, as soon as the cigarette was over, he lit another. I thought perhaps he didn't realize his smoke was blown all over the family behind him. I tapped him on the shoulder and politely asked him to stop or move to the table, on the other side of us. We were still in the middle of eating our meal and their drinks had not been delivered. So it wouldn't have been a problem for them to move to the other table that was exactly the same.

He glanced up at me, looking at me like I was a piece of shit. He then just simply gestured to all the empty tables and told me to move if it bothered me. I again politely explained we were in the middle of eating and his smoke was blown all over my children. His reaction to me politely requested him not to smoke over children

was to turn to my son, a five-year-old child and take a big pull of his cigarette and blow smoke directly into his face. Fucking out. Awful to say it, but legend. I think I've picked my side. It's absolutely.

He blew smoke directly into the face of a child. I genuinely think I might physically attack someone if they did that to my kids. Of course. It's mad. I've never felt. rage flood over me like that before. However, as much as I wanted to throw him out the window, I thought that might not be the best example to my kids, or maybe it would have. So I went to the waiter, asked the bill and said we need to leave. By the time the waiter arrived at the

bill was asked if there was a problem, my new friend had lit yet another cigarette, purposely blown smoke in our direction, and had moved his chair back closer to the table to ensure the smoke had less distance to travel before wafted over my children. That is mental. I explained the problem loudly using some choice words to describe the other customer to the waiter. I paid the bill and went to leave. However, this nice gentleman moved his chair so far back. My son had barely room to get out from under the table. As I moved his chair back as far as I could, it touched old smoky,

causing him to flail around like Ravado at the 2002 World Cup. Great reference. Before protesting to the waiter, like, after a penalty. The waiter looked confused and his wife looked like she was about to die from embarrassment. As we were leaving the restaurant, I was worried I'd handled the situation with too much maturity. So as we were about to exit, I caught his eye. Mime some expletives at him and gave him the middle finger. I missed his reactions, we disappeared around the corner,

and I heard the screech of tables and chairs moving as he tried to get up quickly. He'd me yelling something at me and saw waiters rush over to calm him down. Was I being a carer or are you with me in solidarity? Yeah, he's awful. He's an awful, awful man. Yeah, you should have done more. be honest. I would, yeah, I genuinely think I would. Not you should have. You handled it very well. Yeah. You had every right, I should say, to have done more. I think I would have done more.

And I'm very impressed with how he dealt with that. Yeah. What would you have done, Josh, in that situation? I think I wouldn't have got the bill and left. I'd have got the waiter and complained and said he need, you need to do something about this guy. Yeah. I think I might have done that. But if I was leaving, I think I would have walked over to the waiter, put blue and the kids in the car and said to the waiter, I'm going to go up to this man and get as close to his face as I can and call him a dirty little b-and. You might want to be there to sort of break it up because he probably will kick off. Yeah. In a way to make me look quite scary and hard, but also know that they could break it up in case of growth. I think I'd have ordered the hottest

liquid they had. Yeah. Ideally, they'd have done custard as the pudding. No, that's not the hot is liquid. What's the hot as liquid? Just boiling water, isn't it? Yeah, but I couldn't have a second. But the thing that custard does I see is stick or stick? Cremonglea. I've been doing Duolingo.

Do you have any floating island or cremong? So you've got hot custard, yeah? Yeah, and I just splattered it in his face. Do you know what? What I might have done is, that's, tell what, I think, hot is, that is like GBAH. So you could like go to prison for assault. what I would do, I think actually a reflection,

rather than do the swear-wordy stuff, buy a cornetto. Yeah. Eat all the chocolate bit of the tom, off the top, lick it so it's sweat and walk up behind him because I imagine this old bloke's bald

and just squash it on his head. Like he's a unicorn? Yeah. He'd leave. Do you reckon he was Spanish and didn't like tourists? Where were they? Spain.

Yeah. He didn't say if he was English or Spanish. He might be... Oh, he was Spanish. There's... Surely. I reckon they're Spanish and that's his table.

He sits at every day and he was annoyed kids were there so he thought, I'll just keep smoking until they move. Yeah. I don't know. Anyway, he was horrible. I'm on your side, sigh.

Two and five Canadians will hear the words you have cancer. That's why every step and dollar raised matters. On September 19th, joined thousands in Toronto for the Princess Margaret

at Cancer Foundation Walk. Challenge yourself, friends, and family to walk 21 kilometers in support of life-saving research. Together, we can carry the fire and help create a world free from the fear of cancer. Register today at pmcf walk.ca.

Boomer and Rob. Hi, Josh Rob and Michael. Your Beyond Boomer story reminds me of a story my auntie loves to tell from when she was a girl in the late 60s. The family lived in the town near the Yorkshire Dales and my grandparents also owned a house in the nearby countryside.

Pretty basic with no electricity, water, etc. Pretty basic. My auntie, age 12 and a friend who was the same age, loved to have an adventure by going to camp out in the house overnight on their own. One night, my granddad dropped them both off in the land Rover, telling them he'd be back in the morning. On leaving, he gave my auntie a shotgun.

being a country girl she knew how to shoot and told her that if anyone came up to the house that she could shoot them jesus wept off he went to the pub and the girls had a lovely evening chilling out when it got dark they heard a car approaching and both started to get a bit freaked out on orders they looked out of the window trembling with the shotgun wondering what on earth they should do They saw the car pull up and someone get out. My auntie was terrified, but as per ordered, she readied the gun, only to hear my pissed granddad saying, don't shoot, don't shoot. He decided to check on the girls on his way back from the pub. Oh, God. Drunk driving, presumably, as well.

No harm today, but unimaginable today. My auntie does like to remind us that all of the day she nearly shot her dad, Stay Sex and Relatable Law at near Oxford. So was she 12? Yeah. Different world, Rob. It was a different world. Pretty basic, just a gun.

No running water or electricity? Just, just a gun. It doesn't sound like a fun place to stay. No, it doesn't sound fun if you're taking a shotgun just in case. Right, should we do another one? One more. One more. One more off the road.

Okay, Josh, we got a couple of normal people with famous names here. Ten years ago, I went to high school with a boy called Spike Lee. That is mad. Obviously, it's young teenagers, none of us tweaked to the correlation, but only as I've gotten older, I've realised how weird it was for our Spike to be the pale, blonde, white boy with glasses.

So was he called Spike? Or had people called him Spike? Well, everyone had called him Spike Lee. Maybe Spike was in its name. That was from Lois. That's good. Oh, hello, yeah? Just his one.

Hi there. Just wanted to say a big thanks to Rob Beckett. It's always nice to finish an episode. I've been thankful to me. Me and my partner were trying for a baby for six months with no success. It wasn't until we saw Rob's giraffe show in Dublin on the 27th of September, 2025,

that we conceived our baby girl, April, who was born a few weeks ago. I guess talking about cleaning hamster vaginas was the kick we needed. Oh, my word. Happy to be as assistance. There you go, Rob. No one.

Thank God you all back on the stand-up circuit come this autumn. Who knew my... My mirth could make people horny and happy. And fertile. Right, Rob. Michael sent me an email just for me. Okay. It's interesting.

Dear Rob. Just to Rob. Yeah. You have denied stealing Fraser's Toast. Okay. Okay. Here we go. Let's lock in.

Fraser's toast when in Greece. You called Fraser a little prick and told me to go. fuck myself. Yep, I did. One might suggest this isn't the response of an innocent man. Fraser tells me he has nothing to hide and he's happy to answer the questions he posed as part of your defence to his accusation.

Question one. Did Fraser choose sourdough toast? Answer. Probably not because he was six at the time. Thank you. His story was that you were at the toast with one of your children. He wonders if the normal white toast might have been for them.

Oh, here we go. Here we go. It's all changes. It says your kids only sourdough in 2020. My child. So my child stole your child's toast. Not me. There we go.

Thank you. You were making toast to your children. No, I didn't. I can't. I've stolen toast. What? My child would have put that on their plate and walked away with it. I've not stolen toast.

My child has. Here we go. It all falls apart. Next question. Because the anecdote is not quite as interesting, is it? No. No. So you've taken the toast?

You've been seen taking the toast. No, no, I still don't even know if that's true or not. But what I'm telling is it definitely wasn't, I definitely wouldn't take white. White toast gives me the shit. So you refuse to take the toast for your children? If your child said, Daddy, could you make me a slight? How old was your youngest daughter in 2022?

What is it now? Four years ago. So there would have been six and four. Yes. So there's every chance you were taking toast for your four-year-old. You weren't making her. Of course, is it? And there's every chance.

every chance I wasn't. Yeah. Next question. Beyond reasonable doubt, remember? Beyond reasonable doubt. Next question. Was Fraser lying? You did accuse his son of being a liar.

And called him a little prick. Like many six-year-olds, Fraser's relationship with the truth, is generally self-serving. However, he tells me he had no interest in fabricating anecdotes of future workplace icebreakers. He points out that he can do bat flips

and he has met Eden Hazard. Both of which are pretty cool. Yep, I'd say they would definitely be ice breakers beyond the toast. I would mention that Fraser accused you. I met Eden Hazard at the buffet. Right? Right. I would mention that Fraser accused you to your face later in the holiday.

You're kind enough to push him and your children on a rope swing roundabout at the hotel play park and he shouted you stole my toast. Look, look, so now, look, it's all this is coming out. So he was either doubling down on a lie or demonstrating the honesty of youth. See, all this, all this. To be fair, denied it then as well, but of course you did. Of course I did. I'm not, I don't eat white bread. I'm afraid that Fraser is unconvinced of your defence.

You remain known as a toast thief in our house. Yeah. And do you know what Fraser is known as in our house? a little back-flipping prick. Yeah. So why don't he back-flip over to Eden Hazard for a slice of hovis and get out of my life with his accusatory bollocks? Anyway, I hope he's all right. Oh, is he six?

Should I stop and cook? No, I need to stop having podcast beef. Oh, he's 10. Don't fuck yourself, Fraser. You're basically 15. I'll arm wrestling. I'll tell you what. Why don't I'm wrestling for the truth?

That's you from Glasgow. So potentially my child stole the toast. And I pushed him on a park because I'm such a great guy. She's such a great guy. That weren't in the original email, was it? It was all negative. No, exactly. Oh, Rob.

I went to a park yesterday. A park, yeah? It's not like you. Well, it's not anymore. We're at the beach. And then we had some friends from London down. obviously they smelled the park

they know which side their bread's buttered I went in the park I was like this is fucking shite I think the parks are nice play parks are shit

I don't mind a play park when they're big enough to go around on their own I think it's quite nice to watch and play yeah but I just don't enjoy that I do you know what it was Rob PTSD from all those fucking parks

you did do Victoria Park too much, I think. That awful, I'm going to say it, that awful park in Victoria Park with a big slide. Jack, you're such a little turncoat you are. I am. Because you're all over. Children would be throwing stones down the slide

to make it more slidey, sand and stones, pushing to go down the slide. Awful. Anyway. But you don't like parks anymore? No. No. It's over.

Right. Small business? Yeah. Here we go. Hello, you sexy, Relatable Beasts, I would like to give a small business shout out to Outfit Ready. My friend Teresa used to spend ages organizing outfits only for her three children to either grab whatever they found and mornings were stressful. Panic no more. She's created the cutest little

zip bags to organise outfits by day, making packing for little ones an absolute breeze. Whether it's any upcoming holidays, sleepovers or trips to the grandparents, there's no more stress or mismatch clothes and parents can get ready in peace. It also helps children to have some independence in the morning and know what to wear each day. The bags are designed with neurodiverse families in mind who thrive on structure and they're also reusable, recyclable and compostable. Compostable, yeah. Because tiny clotion calls bid headaches. Bag and outfit ready on Instagram. So it's search bag and outfit ready. B-A-G-A-N-O-U-T-F-I-I-T-R-A-D-Y-R-A-D-Y. Probably the easiest word you could ever spell. Thank you, boys, from Sonara.

There you go. Back an outfit, really. Rob and Josh and Michael. By the way, if you want any of these links, they go up on our Instagram on our Small Business Sundays. On the Instagram's Parenting Hell, on it? Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah.

But our Small Business Sundays on the Parenting Hell Instagram. I'd love to ask for a small business shout out for my son, Brandon. Brandon is 13. Since he was just two years old, he's been completely obsessed with vacuum cleaners, cleaning them, collecting them, and watching endless YouTube videos about them. Last August, Brandon and,

asked if I post on Facebook offering his services, cleaning people's vacuum cleaners over the summer holidays so he could turn his passion into a bit of pocket money. Brilliant. Good lad. He had no idea how much it would take off or how supportive people would be. Since then, he's built a thriving little business, cleaning and servicing vacuums. This is the best one ever. How old is he? 13. Oh, wow. And he's constantly learning how to repair different issues too. Brandon is such a kind soul. Everyone who meets him comment on how polite, thoughtful and bright he is. And I honestly couldn't be prouder. We're based in small village just outside Norwich and even just giving his Facebook or Instagram would mean the absolute world to him. He actually joked while I was listening to parenting hell.

Wouldn't it be funny if they gave my vacuum business a shout out? So here I am trying to make that little dream come true. You can find him on both Facebook and Instagram at Brandon's vacuum cleaning services. That's Brandon D-O-N at the end. Just to add, Brandon isn't on social media himself, all messages and content to manage by me and his dad. Thank you so much and please keep doing what you're doing. I've been listening since the very beginning. I had a second child Brodie in June 2020 while working in our local hospital. Laura, no idea how many months, I'm 33.

Brandon, good lad. That's such a lovely story. I almost want to break my vacuum cleaner. I know. I know. I know. So he can fix it. That is straight into the Small Business Hall of Fame alongside Jimmy Chippalata.

Josh, I'll see you next time. There we go. See you next time. You always do that when you're not listening. If you're distracted, you go, there we go. I know, it's really, do you know what? It's really radio host trying to queue up the next track while listening to a call.

There we go. Muse newborn. It's 952 on X-F Radio X. All right, see you next time. Bye. Two and five Canadians will hear the words you have cancer. That's why every step and dollar raised matters. On September 19th, join thousands in Toronto for the Princess Margaret Cancer Foundation Walk.

Challenge yourself, friends, and family to walk 21 kilometers in support of life-saving research. Together, we can carry the fire and help create a world free from the fear of cancer. Register today at pmcfwalk.ca.ca.