Parenting Hell with Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe - S13 EP12: Andy Parsons

Episode Date: August 28, 2026

Joining us this episode to discuss the highs and lows of parenting (and life) is the brilliant comedian - Andy Parsons. See Andy on live on tour with his enw stand-up show Andy Parsons: Please #@...!$ Off To Mars Tickets: www.pleasance.co.uk/event/andy-parsons-please-mar Parenting Hell is available to watch on Spotify every Tuesday and Friday. Please subscribe and leave a rating and review you filthy street dogs... xxx If you want to get in touch with the show with any correspondence, kids intro audio clips, small business shout outs, and more.... here's how: EMAIL: Hello@lockdownparenting.co.uk Follow us on instagram: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠@parentinghell⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: hello@keepitlightmedia.com A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  (Copyright 2026) Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Starting point is 00:01:02 UK residents, T's and C's apply. Hello, you're listening to Parent in Hell with... Holly, can you say Rob? Mom? A kid? Can you say Josh? Guys? We've decombe.
Starting point is 00:01:23 Okay. Good girl. Good girl. There we go. Camilla, says, dear Rob, Josh and Michael. please find attached an audio introduction from my child Holly Renton for your podcast Clip Details Is Renton the surname?
Starting point is 00:01:39 Well, it's not, yes it is the surname Yeah, it's not the name of the Ewan McGregor, I want to say, character in Holly Renton? Renton. Renton is the main character in train spotting. Am I right? Yeah, I think so. Clip details, colon, name colon
Starting point is 00:01:58 Holly Renton age 19 months location North Morton Oxfordshire This is an efficient email This is a posh kid The mum's called Camilla
Starting point is 00:02:08 Listener Since the beginning during lockdown And childlessness We now have our farm loving daughter Holly Who is thankfully born on a due date The 8th of December 2024 And not too close to Christmas My husband often gets told
Starting point is 00:02:22 How Josh Whiticum says this And Rob Beckett says this loved seeing Robert the London Palladium when leaving Holly with their grandparents for the first time Sorry Josh your tickets were all sold out so we sadly missed you best regards Camilla Renta and then she's put a mobile number Give her a call. Shall I give her a call? Shall we? She's ringing women called Camilla Be careful with Camillas Oh It's been forwarded to voicemail
Starting point is 00:02:52 Oh lucky Camilla unlucky At the tone please record your message when you have finished recording you meet her message? Yeah. Hi Camilla. It's Josh Whitacom. And Rob Beckett. We just read out your email and you'd left your mobile number so we thought it'd be fun to call you, but you didn't pick up. And now, um, we've got to bring on Andy Parsons because he's the guest in this episode. So, um, thank you for your support. Good luck with everything. Bye. Welcome Andy Parsons. Andy Parsons, welcome to the show. Thank you very much. We were just talking about the southwest of England. We were catching up because we were not seeing each other for a lot.
Starting point is 00:03:30 little while yeah the pre-show Cornwall catch-up yeah I mean I was really weird about that because I've never went to Cornwall I think I've only once as a kid never go as an adult you guys were chatting away I literally knew no words you said flambard blamberds or something else well you had old section on the week about Treygo Mills of course yeah of course I've heard that I still don't we know what it is it's like I know southwest institution are you from Cornwall so I was born in Dorset and we moved down to Cornwall so I had a few years in Cornwall and then secondary education in Devon. So I've pretty much done, I've got, I've
Starting point is 00:04:05 got just Somerset to go really and then I can tickle boxes. Are you football for Orlando? Well, see, Tauke United is the one that's closest to where I grew up, secondary education. So that was the one that I used to pop along to occasionally. Usually only when there was something special happening, if I'm absolutely honest. So we sold to be sharp to men, you know, and so. And so I went along to the benefit for that and various other bits and pieces. And then, of course, you start, you do soccer AM or you get invited on to talk sport and what have you and then they're always keen what's your football club what you want to talk about so then I always
Starting point is 00:04:36 had to check out exactly how Talker United were doing every time I came on you know remember the name of the dog you basically got them a bit of extra time Oh yeah you're aware of this dog What dog? It's a dog called Bryn and basically I think they needed a bit of
Starting point is 00:04:50 extra time and he bit somebody They were trying to take a corner He got a bit close bit player And they got a bit of extra time because of the injury and stuff like that and they scored in the extra time and stayed up and therefore the people who took over the club recently were called the Brim Consortium named after the dog
Starting point is 00:05:08 that bit the player. And is that a fact you know or did you panic Google that thinking Josh might ask him about football? That is a fact that he's locked in there having used on talk sport on more than one of the game. And it's really, because we spent so much time together and not the week, but it was always sideways of a desk. Seeing you front on waist down.
Starting point is 00:05:30 It's quite a picture. I remember the week of you on the far one once, on the other side, because you were, sometimes you were often on my side. I was as far away as possible, though, I was loud. They wouldn't put you next to me, you see, because there was always a gap. Yeah, no, that was the way it worked, wasn't it? I was next to Dara, keeping trying to read his notes, but never quite possible. What I said, I noticed, the first time I did mock the week was how ripped you are,
Starting point is 00:05:53 and how ripped you still are, you're very muscular, lean and strong looking. That's a lovely start, isn't it? It is. It is. I just never had you sort of like in that, I never really thought about it. You snuck into my dress room, you got a little glimpse. When you'd stand up for the end bit, I always thinking, God, what a great posture is got. If only I could work the cheeks in the same way.
Starting point is 00:06:13 So you grew up in the South West, live in London, you've lived in London years now, have you? I've moved down after university, was in Highbury for years and years, right next to the ground, and then got myself a little flat there in the end. And just as they moved to the Emirates, which was basically the end of the end of the, basically the end of my road. Yeah. I sold up to, you know, find some trees and various other bits and pieces,
Starting point is 00:06:35 moved down southwest near the river. And I was very grateful because I just completed the contracts and it was the first game of the season and I had loads of Arsenal supporters pissing in my front garden and I thought, this is the time to me. But I've time is absolutely fantastic. Well, just before it opened.
Starting point is 00:06:55 Yeah. How many kids you got? Two. What ages? 15 and 8. 15 and 8. That's a gap. That's a good gap.
Starting point is 00:07:05 Yeah, big gap. Yeah, big gap. Mainly, well, there's a couple of reasons, but mainly because we found the first one extremely tricky. Right. Yeah, very tricky. And so it's a long time until we got around to having the second one.
Starting point is 00:07:16 And only then really, because everybody says, they say, oh, second one, so much easier than the first. And arguably it is, the trouble is you've still got the first one. Yes. So, yeah. And then you're willing to believe that the third one would be easier than the second one. But, you know, it's not as easy as not having the third one. But you're now about the gap that you left last time.
Starting point is 00:07:39 Yeah. Yeah, well, often if you've got, people have got three kids and they have one around the first, we had the first one. Their sort of third one is around our sort of second one, as it were. Yeah. So we just basically missed out in the one. You miss out the middle one. But the reason, partly we did that is because my wife was doing a PhD,
Starting point is 00:07:55 and she had to just interrupt it for the first kid. and then she didn't want to have to interrupt it again because she'd found it really hard to get back to her studies and the PhD took longer than she was expecting it to take. What's the PhD in? Now, it's something to do with epidemiology. I couldn't tell you, it's a very niche aspect of HIV. I couldn't tell you exactly what it was.
Starting point is 00:08:18 Blimey. Yeah, but he was supposed to take her five years and in the end I think it took it closer to seven. So, yeah, that's... Blimey. That's a seven years dedicated to that. Yes. That's a tough seven years in it, just focusing on HIV.
Starting point is 00:08:31 Yeah, well, now, obviously, COVID was terrible for many, many reasons and many, many people, including our profession. But for her, it was the first time that people actually understood what an epidemiologist was. Of course. And she was there in her element. So I was having to look after probably a two-year-old and an eight-year-old at the time. Yeah. Yeah, she was there trying to solve COVID. So 15.
Starting point is 00:08:58 Yeah. And eight, did you say? Yes. Boys and girls? Yeah, so we've got one of each. We've got boy and then a girl. So, yeah, there's one of those that you go, well, that's, you know. Full set. Well, often you find people, don't they, got two boys or two girls and they think, oh, we will have the third because, you know, the chance of it. And then they get three of each and they go, I should have stuck with the two. Are you contemplating a third?
Starting point is 00:09:19 No, absolutely not. No, we did originally, I think, before we'd had kids, we talked about possibly having three because my wife's got three and I'm part of a two. and it just gives you a slightly different dynamic. If you're falling out with one of your siblings, it's quite nice. You can make up with one sort of. It just seemed to be a slightly nice dynamic. I'm from five, and I can confirm it's diminishing returns.
Starting point is 00:09:38 Yes, okay. And that's not making I dig. I'm fourth in the list. Yeah, yeah. So you would have not had you. Yeah. Skip one. And how are you finding it at the moment?
Starting point is 00:09:50 It's definitely got better. I've got a friend who loves being a parent, and he said to me, when just before, I had my first kid he goes, oh, it's wonderful, it's the most wonderful thing, and it just gets better and better. And
Starting point is 00:10:04 arguably it does get better and better, but it starts from a really low air. But we're now in hopefully quite a nice place. You know, everybody's saying that the 15 will go feral fairly
Starting point is 00:10:20 shortly. They said, I would go feral at 13, and he didn't. And he said, well, 14 will be the absolute outside. He'll go feral thought hasn't so maybe he's just a nice teenager it may be you can't have you done a great job but he's a great guy well yeah it may not be too much to do with us maybe just it's it's worked out all right that's what you hope isn't it yeah because i think eight's my youngest is eight and i think seven eight is that turning point where it's really much easier from four because on a plane you can
Starting point is 00:10:49 give them an ipad but then eight really they're sort of making their own breakfast I was going to say to you, you were very restrained, giving them only at four. You definitely see flights go out here and there's 18 months old there and they're going. We definitely do it that much. Did you change much of what you did with, you know, it wasn't a giant gap? But there's a bit of a gap. It's just a worry, I think. We obviously did the, what is it, those classes that you go to the...
Starting point is 00:11:10 NCT. Yeah, that's it. That's the ones. I only managed one out of the six, I think, but my wife was quite keen to go along. And so I went, you know, I think it was largely gigs. It wasn't sort of just laziness. I think that's what you're working. Yeah, yeah.
Starting point is 00:11:25 And then for the second one, we did absolutely fuck all, read no books, did nothing, just thought, well, the first one worked out, all right? And then that's how it is, isn't it? You're just more relaxed about the whole thing. You've done one, so. Yeah. A lot easier. And what's it like with that kind of age gap? Because you get a 15, you know, your kids are closer than mine in terms of age, and that almost makes them the same generation.
Starting point is 00:11:49 but I think there's a nice thing where one can almost be like the senior one but they're not competing as much maybe it's absolutely joyous at the moment because we've got a built-in babysitter now for the first time so that's that's working absolutely great so you would do that you'd go we're going to go out for dinner yeah we're still not absolutely confident of going away anywhere too far but certainly nip down cinema or the pub and yeah no way because what's about 15 16 sort of fine isn't it I don't know what the rule
Starting point is 00:12:16 there's no rules they did check it out age 11 what the rule It's no rules at all. It's very much your discretion. No, no, you can... It must be some rules. No, no, the rule is that you can't neglect them, but what is neglect is debatable. There's no set rule that you...
Starting point is 00:12:33 I love this. Up until 12 or whatever, you know, you can't do anything, but then 12's fine. Yes. You know, it depends on you, the kids... Because it also depends on the kid at 12. Yeah, exactly. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:12:44 It all depends on the definition of neglect. Yeah, I think, well, yeah, it's along those lines anyway. I can't like you. see your news dark. Yeah, trying to defend it. We thought it'd be absolutely fine. We were in Tenerife and they were in Surrey. What could go wrong?
Starting point is 00:12:58 It would be neglectful to deprive my poor wife of a holiday after all she did in lockdown. Exactly. So what would your contact be? Your kid's got, your 15 year old's got a phone and he could phone you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sounds good, doesn't it?
Starting point is 00:13:13 Yeah, nice. Times to look forward to. Yeah. So that, I mean, how much authorities he got over the eight-year. old? They're actually much better when we're not there. You know, not that we spawn through the camera and work out, you know, exactly what's going on. But by all accounts where, you know, he never seems to have any of the problems with our daughter that we sometimes
Starting point is 00:13:32 have with our daughter. Yeah. You know, sometimes she'll play us up at bedtime or whatever, and she always seems to be very good for him. I don't know what it is, what he bribes with or whatever, but they always seem to, uh, it's so far all of that, you know, touching a bit of whatever's important, but yes, it's all worked out very nicely so far. He would argue that it's actually tougher because he's been prevented from doing some things if she was a closer age range, we could do more together. We think it actually works quite nicely often because it means that we can separate them and one do one thing and one do the other. So for his birthday recently, this is when it's starting to get good, went to Twickenham for the
Starting point is 00:14:10 Prem final. That's what he wanted to do for his birthday. Extra, well, he's an extra chief supporter. Is he? Yeah, yeah. So he got his little extra finger out and He went to all of that and his little Exeter hat. Josh just calls him fingers and fingers. It was a moment, about midway through the second half where they took the lead, and it was all looking good. And then, yeah, a couple of tries towards the end, and it ran away with it. But yes.
Starting point is 00:14:31 So, you know, we're actually looking at Sandy Park. Every time we go down the M5, see Sandy Park, the Exeter Chiefs Grand from the M5. And so we're going to have a little pilgrimage today for the first time. Why does this support? What's the way you're from? Yeah, yeah. So he said, you know, what's the local side? And I said, I had a friend who used to do PR for the Exeter Chiefs
Starting point is 00:14:48 when they were just sort. sort of getting into the PEMP. And you're 15-year-old, then, does that mean he's just done his mocks or something? Well, the thing he's done his mock mocks. What was like, he's doing February marks, didn't you? And then you had two months to absolutely crammed because you realised you haven't done enough work in your mocks. Now, his school, state school, they, the, so he's just finished year 10. In February, they did mock mocks.
Starting point is 00:15:13 So they actually did them a year early as it was. The mock in the mocks? You're mocking the way, he's mocking the mocks. And so they, you know, I guess you have less of a panic because you realise in year 10 that you've actually not done any work. Right. And the idea is you can spread out that workload. I don't think it's work for him. No.
Starting point is 00:15:30 It's like, oh, look, I've still got a year. That was February. He's done them. He's done it in February and then he's doing some mocks now. No, so they have given him stuff over the holidays to do that. Oh, right. Yeah. You know, it's supposed to, which is, I'm pretty certain I never did.
Starting point is 00:15:43 And so, yeah, basically we wait until February of next year. and then that was the panic generally. So they're doing exams in February now? So the mock exams, he'll have the mock exams in February. So did mock mocks in February 26, then the mocks in February 27, then the exam is mate, right. And does he enjoy scores? Is he played rugby as well?
Starting point is 00:16:05 Is he into his sport? He just really got into his rugby. He started to get into his football as well. For ages he couldn't give a shit about any team sports. He loved his skiing, he loved climbing, he loved karate. I had no interest in teams. Are you sporty, Andy? Well, I love the team sports,
Starting point is 00:16:22 so I was always trying to get him into rugby, cricket, football, and he had no interest. And then gradually, because we got him, they did that little sort of ECB for the cricket. We're doing, they give you a little pack with a little batting and stuff like that, trying to get them along. My daughter's joined a cricket club where he's subsidised.
Starting point is 00:16:41 Or something like that. Yeah, I didn't tell. They get a little top. And so I took him along to that, and he got to run out at the Oval and give Joe Root a little high five or whatever. And there was a proud moment for Dad. There's my son at the overall or whatever.
Starting point is 00:16:52 Couldn't give a shit. Not in the fireworks, but that was about it, you know. Cricket's a hard sell to a kid, though, I think. Some kids are really into it, but he wasn't and still isn't really. But yeah, it might come, you know, took ages for the rugby. He's now really into that. What about your daughter? Was she into?
Starting point is 00:17:10 Was she doing clubs and stuff? Yeah, well, she's dancing, really. He loves dancing around, so, yeah. Spotify Studios. She loves her. Can we play my playlist? Oh, she's into that? Yeah, yeah.
Starting point is 00:17:20 She ruined your algorithm on your Spotify, though, because now I'm getting all whatever she might not your daughter. But the thing is, she's got very eclectic test. So she basically, anything we're playing, she suddenly gets into. So you go through a playlist, and there is a little bit of Taylor Swift in there. But there is also some Nirvana, you know, the bit of Iron Maiden. Okay. Tyler?
Starting point is 00:17:41 Yeah, my wife looks a bit of metal, so there's quite a lot of. and then there's quite a lot of in between sort of, you know, Arctic monkey sort of stuff and stuff like that. So, yes, she's a very, very different sort of playlist. I've got a separate, I don't, you know, company man or whatever, Rob, but I've got a family login for Spotify. I thought I had that. Did you?
Starting point is 00:18:00 I don't know what, that. I can't do the admin. I've got the, I was going to say, surely you boys. It's the same other day I couldn't find the football because. We don't get free Spotify. No, no, no, free Spotify. No, I don't get free. Have you asked about this?
Starting point is 00:18:11 But, yeah, I can't, I just need to set up another one. one. Yeah, so my daughter's got her own one. When she listens to an audio book on Spotify now, and I'm listening in the car, I'm listening to Harry Potter, but I tried to put my music on it, I need another account. But what's really frustrating is when you're listening to yours
Starting point is 00:18:25 and then somebody changes it downstairs? Yes, that's infuriating. And then you change it back and then they change it, and you're not sure whether it's the reception or whether it's somebody else pissing around with it. Yeah, exactly, because you don't think. So are you getting that? I've had that.
Starting point is 00:18:39 But now you haven't because you've got a family account? I've got a family account. I've got an account. I've got an account. my daughter's got an account. I think we've got a family account, but you've all got your separate little part of that. Yes.
Starting point is 00:18:48 So you've got all that's called. Yeah. I think there's too many things. As in like, for family. Like, not just that, but like,
Starting point is 00:18:55 that's great if that's showing one, but then you've got one for the TV. Yeah. It says so many things. Separate Netflix's. Yeah. Well, if you think of everybody
Starting point is 00:19:02 complaining about the BBC license fee and then now you think everybody's, you know, either got their Netflix or their Apple TV or Disney Plus or whatever. Paramount. Yeah. It goes on and on.
Starting point is 00:19:12 Yeah, and you know, and then all the apps in, they all make you download them before you can get your ticket. So you want to go to a gig now, and they've all got separate little apps that they want to... Yes, go off to Wimbled. Don't get me started a Ringo. Yeah, you've got a real... All right, let's get you started a ringgo. I hate the fact that the only way to pay for parking is having a phone. Yeah, yeah.
Starting point is 00:19:32 It's so annoying. I don't mind if it was just one. You can't even tap now. There's different parking apps. God, by there, there's about seven. And the thing about the West Country is it's... A quote or something? Pay-by-phone is one.
Starting point is 00:19:42 I went to talk, is it Kingston Hospital? Definitely, yeah, I think it's Kingston Hospital, one I've never heard of. That's the one of exit hospital. I do, or something as a call. Ampcoa. I'm an Apcoa guy at the station. Yeah. Apcoa.
Starting point is 00:19:55 Yeah. And then there's Ringo app car. It's impossible. And then there's a car park in Cornwall, which is pay on your phone. But landline. But no coverage. Yeah, yeah. No, it says no coverage.
Starting point is 00:20:08 No, there's no coverage in the car park. Because it's Cornwall. It's cool. You have to go for a little walk. To try and be able to pay. Yeah. No, that's not, that's not acceptable. It's not right, is it?
Starting point is 00:20:16 You can't have a parking situation where there's no sick. They need to put a little math. And what's even worse is a lot of them now got cameras. So you drive in. You can't get reception. Yeah. So then you drive out and then they charge you and often find you because they're often private operations.
Starting point is 00:20:33 So it's not, you can't even contact the county council. I went into a car park suite fishing ships in Margate in the middle of winter, right? A thousand empty spaces. No fuckers go in there, right? I sit there, not even a sign. Eat my chips drove out, 60 quid fine. I didn't even know how to pay. And that was you sort of being a bit, you know, crafty in the sense that you didn't wait and then argue it,
Starting point is 00:20:54 because then you went to go to $120,000. Yeah, well, I didn't argue. I just took me in medicine. Who argues it? Who's going to win? My dad argued it. You're never going to win. My dad went into a car parking Totnes.
Starting point is 00:21:04 You'll know Totnes. I do. And he got the app out. He's born in 1950. So what's he? He's in his 70s. Yeah. Gets the app out.
Starting point is 00:21:12 out. You know, it flags the nearest car parks. There's two car parks next to each other. He clicks on the one. It's flagged him as in the other one. Yeah, because the location. He's bought a ticket for the adjacent car park. Yeah. And it, and he gets fined. Yeah, because they'll have different ones for different sides of the station. It was like, it's for the other. So it's like, it was like one and once on the road, one or the other. Yeah. It's a bloody nightmare. And then he challenged it. Oh, tell me. He challenged it. Did he win? Well, he challenged it. They wouldn't accept. it, do you know what he did? He went to the Top Ness Times and said, I got a story for you.
Starting point is 00:21:46 And they made it the front page story. And was he using your name? No, no. No. And once he'd got the press involved, they backed down. Really? They crumbled. Because they do that in Petswood. Petswood, little town now live. There's like five different parking areas in this like one minute distance of walking, right? That should just be Ringo, Petswood. It shouldn't be five different roads and stretches. With five different. different five different codes yeah my wife challenged one she um she put in uh she was doing a bit quickly or whatever and put in the wrong registration number because she we've got a zero and uh she she put in a no you know just tapped it wrong and then she had all the proof that was she paid for it
Starting point is 00:22:30 and said look you know why would i deliberately pay at the same time for one that's just got a slight difference and they did let her off but it was one of those where you you have to you go for the you know I could have to play double here, but you know, it's going to do. I can't wrong. I don't want to go out of the dice. That's exactly the same happen to me, where we put, it was the number of plate, we put in a three instead of a two. Everything was exactly the same. Honda, that car, that placation, and I was like, I know the warden's gone around and they're like, oh, I'm going to get them here.
Starting point is 00:22:58 Yeah, yeah. Well, to be fair to the warden, probably they put it in exactly and then they go, there's nothing, there's no matches. So it may not be them, being blown mind. Maybe computers are the problem. Yeah, I expect it is. Do your kids have social media? I'm just trying to do it all could link back to kids
Starting point is 00:23:14 No that's beautiful But no not really at the moment No The 50 year old He's got his WhatsApp And he seems happy with that at the moment And he's only two years away From driving himself
Starting point is 00:23:25 Then you get a babysitter and a cab Well that yes I mean yeah I didn't pass my test until I was 20 So if he's In Devon In Devon What's that next to do of it
Starting point is 00:23:36 We have to pass in Devon Because you have to get everywhere Oh because it's really important to pass. The bloody penning roundabout. I tell you the first time I did it, the penning roundabout, the bloke who was testing me, got out at the roundabout.
Starting point is 00:23:49 He said, I'm walking back to the test centre. No! You know the test centre? Yeah, yeah, just round the corner by the race ground. Yeah, he left me at the roundabout. That was the first thing you got to and it got out? It wasn't the first, no, it was towards the end, but he didn't like my driving so much at the roundabout.
Starting point is 00:24:05 He got out of the car. I was going badly. I was 17 at the time, yeah, yeah. So, it was. What's heading roundabout? It's at the end, as you're going down, so you do M5 all the way down to Exeter, and then it finishes and you go, I think it's the A38 might be. It's such an old man conversation like all of us.
Starting point is 00:24:25 And then you get, just as you're getting to Newton Abbot, towards talking, heading around about. Do you know the sad thing is, I think I've googled this before when you've brought it up. Yeah. It looks like a tardy shams a laser. Yeah. It's a tree. It's got a tree, it's got three.
Starting point is 00:24:39 It's a three lane roundabout. That's mental. And the first time I did my test, there was a bombs go in Sainsbury, so they closed Penning Roundabout and I thought I'm in, but then I failed elsewhere. But yeah, it's a tough, it's a tough roundabout. But now it's a bypassed, because it goes straight through your talk, of course.
Starting point is 00:24:56 I see, so I'm on the wrong roundabout. This one is... I think the Penning roundabout. No, it is there still, isn't it? No, this is the Penn Roundabout, Indonesia. Right, yeah, that's the way. Where's the Penning Roundabout? You're never.
Starting point is 00:25:08 I think you'd be fair enough. So did you take your test on your number? I went away to my lady. Take the test. I've got more of a chance. It's difficult to get tests over here, isn't it, these days? Oh, that's mental. Are you going to teach him?
Starting point is 00:25:22 Are you going to get in the car? Well, actually, when I passed, it was my dad. He did it in my mum's car, save a bit of money. And, yeah, it was all grand. I mean, he wasn't the most relaxed driving and instruct to my dad. No, I couldn't do that. He could see his little foot going every time. He thought I should be on the brake.
Starting point is 00:25:37 But, yeah, we got free. So that's great. If the guy gets out of your car, then you're a non-registered driver. Yeah, so I had to wait there, and for my instructor, walk from the centre. Oh my God. Yeah, walk from the centre and pick me up and goes, and I think to my credit, when he got out, I said, do I take it? That means I haven't passed.
Starting point is 00:25:58 I still wanted to check that, you know. You're so good. I don't need to do the rest of the test. I'm walking back. Yeah. So when your instructor gets the, that's a tough. But not as bad as I had a friend. He genuinely, he walked out,
Starting point is 00:26:12 into the car, said hello to the instructor, and drove into the wall of the test centre. And that was it. And they even made it out of the test centre. Oh, God. There was two pillars and they were quite close together and took out one of the pillars. No, it wasn't.
Starting point is 00:26:26 He was down in Southampton. But yeah. Andy, do you still on tour, because you've got a big tour coming up, still use your own car and get the tour manager to drive your car? I do, yeah. Yeah, because I can't remember
Starting point is 00:26:38 he said, I had a tour manager said, why not go, Van der Parsons, I use his car. Yeah, no, I think they're actually using it more and more, the agency, because it's,
Starting point is 00:26:45 because I think, well, they're using your car. So what kind of you got? Not my car, but they'd be welcome to, obviously, you get a nice mileage,
Starting point is 00:26:51 you know, so, but, yeah, because I think after COVID did the insurance prices go up or something that were fun. It's much more economically viable.
Starting point is 00:27:00 So why do you use your car? Well, it actually works quite nicely because it, you know, obviously they, the term manager comes to me, and then they pick up the co and then just take you off. You're off.
Starting point is 00:27:10 And then Josh, you're back getting their car. Yeah. This episode is brought to you by Holly Oaks on Channel 4, which we can't discuss without bringing up Mr. Rob Beckett's performance on the show. Tell me about it, Rob. I played Sunshine. Is that the guy that helped Warren Fox escape prison in 2024? Yes, it is.
Starting point is 00:27:31 So basically, we did it for Robin Romish, stunt trains. I did a stunt. Honestly, Rob, when I was a teenager, the thought of being in Holyoaks. That was different level. You have lived that experience, Rob. You've got to, when you're next on tour, you've got to go and it's amazing. Hollyoaks is one of the great British institutions, isn't it, Rob?
Starting point is 00:27:51 Now, Josh, I don't want to be too sort of arrogant, but I thought it would be impossible for them to top my storyline. I don't think they can do it, Rob. I don't think they can do it. I'm going to stop me there. They're really going for it this summer. You've got a wild D.D. Hutchinson's storyline where she falls deeper into substance abuse and then get sent to rehab.
Starting point is 00:28:08 by her very concerned dad Tony. Plus legendary Cindy Cunningham's back and causing chaos already, falling out with her niece, Beth, over a shock surrogacy secret reveal. Ooh, that's just a taste of all the chaos drama and shocking revelations. Hollyoaks always delivers. Get involved, you won't regret it.
Starting point is 00:28:26 Also, do you know what? What? Sunshine didn't die. I can always come back. Oh, stream new episodes of Hollyoaks every Monday to Wednesday on Channel 4. Two and five Canadians will hear the words you have cancer. That's why every step and dollar raised matters. On September 19th, join thousands in Toronto for the Princess Margaret Cancer Foundation Walk. Challenge yourself, friends, and family to walk 21 kilometers in support of life-saving research. Together, we can carry the
Starting point is 00:28:57 fire and help create a world free from the fear of cancer. Register today at pmcfwalk.ca. Great news. The federal EV rebate is back. Eligible customers get up to $5,000 with the federal EVAP rebate on select 2027 volt and 2026 Equinox EVModels. Visit your local Chevrolete dealer today for more details. So your tour is called Please. Well, I'm assuming. This is a good question. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:29:27 I saw your talk. There's a asterisk word. Well, so it's please and it's a hashtag at symbol, exclamation mark, dollar sign, off to Mars. Yeah. So please bleep off. How are you dealing with that in promotion? So, well, obviously on here, I can say it's please fuck off to Mars. Right, yeah.
Starting point is 00:29:47 To the audience, I'll go, please fuck off to Mars. On the BBC, when promoting it, it's a bit complex what you've just read out. So we often go, please, four asterisk off to Mars. Yep. And then, you know, people just basically put. What about, would you ever just bring it down a bit to piss off to Mars? Yeah, well, we, you know, please push off to Mars. Sometimes from BBC, we go through the various possible.
Starting point is 00:30:10 Yeah. Because I've had someone, if you're on a radio for interview or a local BBC radio station, they're really panicking. It looks like there's been cookies, you know, cookies. I've not enabled cookies and there's a thing, but it's please fuck off to Mars basically. But you can't put down a poster. Because they say, oh, well, you've got this slightly tricky title and then you go, oh, it's all right, we can talk about the title, the title is, and you can just sort of hear them dropping something.
Starting point is 00:30:32 Panic. Yeah. But you know what? It's good because normally you've got a title that doesn't mean, not you, one, has a title that often doesn't mean anything to do with the show. And they'll say, why did you choose that title? You've never really got a good answer. But you have got a talking point title.
Starting point is 00:30:48 Yeah, well, we do talk about people going off tomorrow. So it does actually, you know, does what it says. And the mad thing is that although I've got the end, actually, I've done, you know, we go off the autumn section of the tour, but they're now talking because the theatres are so busy these days and everybody wants the tour, is that they're now talking about the tour at the end of next year.
Starting point is 00:31:12 So I've now got to come up with a new title for a show. So you're going to go back on the road straight away? Well, it's not straight away. But you need to have it booked in. I need to have the title because they want to book it in because everybody's all booking years in advance now.
Starting point is 00:31:24 So Alan Carl's booked up into 2028 or something. Is it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, my word. But you've given up touring, is that right? No. No. No.
Starting point is 00:31:32 It was a rumor that you... Who's given? No, that's just what people thought from the performances. I said I'm going to do less. Okay. Somebody said that you're not drinking on tour now. I don't drink. Don't drink.
Starting point is 00:31:45 Yeah. That's a very different thing to touring. Not touring. Yeah. He kept drinking. He kept drinking. He drank for a little bit. He gave up the drinking.
Starting point is 00:31:52 Now he tours. Yeah. I've just finished a tour in May. I'm having, I think I'll be back in two years. Yeah. That's what I need. A year off. A year to write it.
Starting point is 00:32:04 I'm back. Lovely. So with you, changed the thing because it used to be that you'd do you'd start let's say February time wouldn't you and you'd have a little DVD at the end of it Christmas time that was before our time is that before we guys do you know how many DVDs did you know so but it's turned into the special now isn't it special can go out at any point if a special aren't bought for 1899
Starting point is 00:32:25 each so you did four DVDs do you have them in your house I've actually only got three of them I think so I did they wanted to chop a few bits up at various points for social media and it turned out I only actually had three of my own DVDs when there were four of them but yeah we did off of the curb the agency did manage to supply the extra ones do you didn't even have a copy of it what were they called so uh here we go Britain's Got Idiots was the first one yeah um then it was gruntled was the second one then it was um slaktivist yeah slacktivist and then we had a live and unleashed but naturally cautious.
Starting point is 00:33:10 Good title, there you go. Really nice. Do you, would you ever know if your son has watched these? He's definitely seen bits because he's got various mates who follow me on Instagram and stuff like that. And then they then show him. And do they follow you separate to him or because it's like my most dad? Oh yeah, I think it's very much, you know, it's like, yeah, because obviously there's occasionally there's a joke about him. Not a build at him, but you know, it's like, I mean, my son said this or whatever.
Starting point is 00:33:39 If they were like four DVDs of your mate's dad at school, you're going to watch them, aren't you? Yeah, I think so. And then lined them up over if he's to see it. Exactly, exactly that. I mean, you guys, you're just popular with 15-year-old boys. Yeah. I mean, you're your kids over. They're over, they're being talked about every week, twice a week or whatever.
Starting point is 00:33:54 Well, they are, my kids are deeply unimpressed by what I do, I think. Um, not deeply. But they're underwhelmed. I think they're underworked. They're not excited. I don't think they're bothered, but I think as they get older, they may get annoyed with certain things to talk about. But what I try and do, I think Josh is the same.
Starting point is 00:34:15 As much as we're talking about our wife and kids, I'm talking about my experiences have been as a dad of them and things I've done as opposed to, she did this the other days, isn't that stupid? You know what I mean? Now they're older as well, so it's a bit of a balance, but I'm sure we'll find a face of a big back. It's an absolute genius thing.
Starting point is 00:34:30 The way you guys, you know, you managed to talk about the kids as a way of actually having to not deal with the kids. It's stunning. There was our struggling during lockdown, listening to you guys working about slagging. While Lou and Rosa looking after the kids were chatting about doing it. I've got your tour dates here, Andy.
Starting point is 00:34:50 Can I ask one more tour question? Yes. Because your tour, you are a satirical, topical comedian. You are one of our best satirical comedians. How much do you have to change it over? Because these are added dates due to popular. demand, spring, you've done, you've then added an autumn leg.
Starting point is 00:35:08 Yeah. We've got a new Prime Minister, presumably. Loving that, yeah. And are you changing? God, yeah, no, you know, the, I mean, you're talking to the man who, who's a 2019 tour show was healing the nation that got interrupted by a COVID pandemic. So, rewriting, I'm all over rewriting. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:35:28 So yeah. Do you quite enjoy, is it like, do you enjoy it because it gives you something extra? Is it a little bit of a wrongy rights? Anybody who does three months acting the same play, each day exactly the same, you know, it's not for me. I much prefer being able to throw something new in, whether it's the venue, whether it's, you know, what's happened in the news or what have you. So, delighted with that. And as we all know from various comics who go, oh, isn't it terrible? I mean, the classic was Margaret Thatcher, wasn't it, where people going, I hate her because she's died and I can no longer do the jokes.
Starting point is 00:35:58 And the jokes I can't do are, and then they do exactly the jokes that are. anyway and it's the same with people who do jokes about a film and I hated it when it came out in the cinema then it comes out on DVD now it's on Netflix and they can still do exactly the same so will you be scrapping your Kirstama stuff the Kirstama stuff will obviously evolve but I'm glad Annie Burnham isn't doing the mistakes that Kirstama has done such as and the whole lot's come from it's not your first rodeo is it so we've got here and you are do we tell I'll list them out we got so you started 17th September,
Starting point is 00:36:34 Folkston, lovely down there by the way. It's a lovely place to start that one is Nick because it's always always find it very nice and it's one of those where you can be a bit baggy
Starting point is 00:36:42 and they still like it. Yeah, so you're Cambridge, Lincoln, Milton Keynes, Barnstable, Plymouth, Milksham, Chipping Norton, Chippenham,
Starting point is 00:36:50 Bishop Storeford, Tembury Wells, Carlisle, Darwin, where's Darwin, where's Darwin, where's Darwin? Well, there we go, sold out already.
Starting point is 00:36:57 So, you know, whatever it is, Darwin like me, and that's the important. Is that's it? It is, It's just North of Bolton, I think. Just North of a Boland.
Starting point is 00:37:03 And then we've got Northampton, Farnham, Frome, you have to say that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Darlington, Scarborough, Winchester, Exeter. There you go, you'll be there 19th for November. No, I did the Northcote last time, but the, I think it's a sister venue. Barnfield, oh, it's walkable.
Starting point is 00:37:19 Yeah, exactly, but that's the advantage. You don't have to go up the hill with your Northcote, you got up there, right? Northcote, it's difficult for parking. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, some people have to park in Totteness and then argue the case. Ivy Bridge, Settle.
Starting point is 00:37:31 The Iverbridge is Plymouth, where's Settle? Settle is North Yorkshire somewhere? Oh! Are they next to each other? No, I think I've got a gap. There's a week at week gap. Take that long to fucking get out there. And you've got two shows in Whitehaven, Twickenham and then Lester.
Starting point is 00:37:45 Lovely, there you go. Have you put in Twickenham as a homecoming? Well, yeah, it's nice. Again, I think it's pretty much sold out already, so it's great, you know. Pointless coming on. Just to catch up. But I try and persuade Josh to come down to the extra gig,
Starting point is 00:37:59 you know. What day of the week? is it? I have no idea. 19 from November but he can't, autumn, strictly now he can't do Saturdays and Sundays. And that means surely the space... No, no, Friday, Saturday, Sunday,
Starting point is 00:38:11 have been space in his house, I can just go round. Yeah. Say hello to Rose, whatever it is. Thursday, so he can't do that? I can't do that, I'll be in London. Yeah, yeah. Apart from it, he's available. So, yeah, take it, you're lining these podcasts up now because you've got... No, no, no, we do these
Starting point is 00:38:25 on a Monday. Oh, okay. So, so what's your, if you've got any hidden talents outside, maybe it's not dance or music, apart from the comedy. I hate 87 at golf recently. That's the best that I've ever done. Golf, I'm starting a golf YouTube channel. Have you lovely?
Starting point is 00:38:38 Yeah. Lovely. What's your best round? Can I be honest? Sometimes I sort of tap out of about 15 holes. Do you? I don't even do the full lot. Why is it 18 holes? Most golfers agree with this.
Starting point is 00:38:52 18 holes is too many. Yeah. Especially, it's just so much. Some blocking some Andrews in Scotland. Yeah. Suddenly found 18, you know, rabbit holes and decided that was the right number. It's that kind of thing. It is too long. It takes four hours and
Starting point is 00:39:04 it's too long. It takes four hours? Yeah, to do golf. Whoa. If you do an 18 hours, about four hours. And then people go for a drink off. So it's a full day. It's a basically full day out if you do it properly. So at the moment I'm just dipping in it now, but 87's very good. If you've got
Starting point is 00:39:20 that on a round, that means he went around in 87 shots. So that's 15 over? It were depending. Depending. I think this was the past 70, so 17 17 over. Yeah. No, I'm doing but I don't know, I've never, I don't add it out. So I go between about five, so one over par, up to about eight or nine. We often play 10 and then you can't have put double figures down on the score
Starting point is 00:39:42 because it's just embarrassing. Yeah, I just put 10. The advantage of quitting after 15 is, you know, you can play the 18 if it's going well, but quit after 15. Yeah, sorry, I don't play school. I'm learning, I'm new. But it's very good at Cole. But no, no, but, you know, it's one of those things,
Starting point is 00:39:55 but dad played it into his mid-80s three times a week. and gradually I've got all of his different sports equipment so first of all I probably got his cricket bat I would think then I've got his squash racket because he suddenly have you got two squash balls in the eye and then he at the same time I think it's unlucky in that you think the other guy's taking the pissing
Starting point is 00:40:16 let's go back for me how unlucky is that but I couldn't get the second one so yeah so and then he started wearing these little glasses to protect his eyes because he was worried... Like a David. I think he'd partially detached his retina or something. Oh, God.
Starting point is 00:40:32 And he couldn't see anything. He was too competitive, so he took him off. So, yeah. But anyway, got his tennis racket. And, you know, he's probably just about started, he's thinking about it. He might not play golf again. Oh, really?
Starting point is 00:40:44 There's a really nice set of clubs that at some point will be coming my way. And are you hoping? So you play with your dad? I used to, yeah. I haven't played for a little while. And are you hoping to pass that on as a thing? I did actually take my son down driving range
Starting point is 00:40:57 for the first time. time yeah it's aunt and bought him a little sort of you know half an hour sort of training package or whatever with the professional and so I took him down we had a few hit a few balls so yeah who knows I would quite like to get the kids into it because it's a lovely thing to do as a family if you're all into it
Starting point is 00:41:11 if you can do it in your mid-80s I mean there aren't many sports you can do in your mid-80s I think he's a pro really yeah Belinda she was on the female pro PGA two and five Canadians will hear the words you have cancer that's why every
Starting point is 00:41:30 step and dollar raised matters. On September 19th, join thousands in Toronto for the Princess Margaret Cancer Foundation Walk. Challenge yourself, friends and family to walk 21 kilometers in support of life-saving research. Together, we can carry the fire and help create a world free from the fear of cancer. Register today at pmcfwalk.ca.ca. There's a whole ecosystem around different industries. So I don't know if you wouldn't have got it because you always, you're always, were always on it but when I started being a comedian like just open mic if you told a cab
Starting point is 00:42:07 driver I was a comedian they'll be like well you do what the week then because in there in the in the in the casual eyes you're only a comedian if you were on TV being a comedian kind of thing yeah it's interesting when you say that about why aren't you on what the week then it was almost a shorthand it was so big that at that point I remember getting people told me they'd seen me on mott the week before I'd done what the week because it it was a short hand for everything about 2010 do you think that was it was huge time when we did the I think the rating figures were better than have I got news for you and it was that that moment where we've got a British comedy award I think we got a
Starting point is 00:42:46 couple of the national TV awards and stuff like that and there was certainly around that time that it was we got our highest viewing figures were you in it from series one no when I was Roy Bremnell wasn't it I was Roy Bremne was in for the first two series and I did every second one so as me and John Oliver you usually alternating. So they didn't want to have too much politics. So it was basically... So who else would have been on it in those days then?
Starting point is 00:43:10 So, I mean, Dara's now got a massive picture where everybody who's ever been on it, he's like they did him a... When it finished on the BBC. And so I think it's 150 different people. Oh, wow. And it's always incredible, you know, roster of comics or some of the States,
Starting point is 00:43:27 people who've only done one episode and what have you. So it is literally a who's who... Oh, wow. 150 out there I think he's 9 funny Yeah Me and Andy sit back
Starting point is 00:43:41 And me And then we debate As to whether we really want to go through your 9 list Yeah I'm joking What was it like At that point There was a point
Starting point is 00:43:54 It must have been about When I started stand up 2008 to 2010 When it was the biggest because I think by the time we'd got on it it wasn't the biggest thing
Starting point is 00:44:07 it was still a huge it was still a huge thing it wasn't it was probably just starting to change there and they suddenly I think they moved have I got news for you onto BBC 1
Starting point is 00:44:16 and then they decided I don't know if they've lost Was that not always on BBC 1? I think it was it started on BBC 2 I think I'm right insane and or maybe they just shifted into a sort of different
Starting point is 00:44:27 times slot on BBC 1 but they suddenly decided that what the week was be the Axis show as well so it was going to be the ones where up and coming comics would get their first experience on tv and then if they were any good then they would yeah go on do other stuff so um so that was that was sort of the changing the changing sort of landscape and obviously post jonathan ross and russell brand then the double tick compliance the sort of satire element slightly waned as they yeah yeah as it had to go further up the comedy chain to go check the executives all happy with it and all the
Starting point is 00:44:58 and when you joined it how long did you is it, because obviously, we've all been in comedy long enough. Loads of those shows start. So few of them, like, you can count on your hand how many of them become household name shows. Like, how quickly did it become, you were like, oh my God, this has gone insane. Yeah, I mean, I guess the,
Starting point is 00:45:22 it was probably about three series. So I got made a regular in series three, and, you know, having, I think, Obviously, Roy Bremner had left at the end of series two, and so they made me a regular after that. And it was suddenly, you know, it was coming through at that point, I think, and the BBC seemed very happy with it. And then we, they probably, we had sort of a yearly series,
Starting point is 00:45:49 and then they commissioned it for two series back to back, and there was a summer one and a window one. And then you think, yeah, it probably will be here for a little bit now. How long did you want it in total, from series three? So I did 10 years. 10 years. And you saw it through all the different incarnations because there's a point where it was like really cutthroat,
Starting point is 00:46:10 wasn't there, and then it calmed down a little bit to be a bit more sort of, like, welcoming. How did you find it when it was a bit more cutthroat? Or was that a bit blown out proportion? It was just people being strong. A lot of people hated it. I mean, it's a very odd format, isn't it? You've got six comics.
Starting point is 00:46:24 You never put six comics in a room and hope everybody's going to find their own space. It's just not going to happen, is it? It's like Gerard and Lampart. in midfield, isn't it? You've got skulls on the left, you're going to trouble. Yeah, and you've got three more trying to get in as well. You never see them.
Starting point is 00:46:38 And it's often seven as well, because obviously you've got Dara who's trying to get in with his little bits as well. Yeah, of course. And he's got the advantage, he knows what's coming up. So he's already prompt. So it was always an odd show, and Frankie obviously hated being on there, didn't want to be on there, didn't get on that well with the production team at various points, wasn't doing the sort of topics that he wanted to do, and we were all trying to push to do more of the serious topics if you like not do them seriously but actually deal with the things that are going on if there was a famine or there's a war and
Starting point is 00:47:09 of course the producers were always paranoid that something would change in the interim between when the show had been recorded and when it would go out and then they'd have to edit it all and it would all go tits up so there was always a pressure as to what we exactly if there was you know a reindeer that had suddenly got his bollocks caught in a gate or something that was that was the one that they always wanted to talk about because they knew it was going to be the no problems about that, you know. That reindeer's talking about it's bollocks in the gate but next week. Yeah, that's not going to go in. Yeah, reindeer's nose is a bit low, isn't it? That's the fact of that. That would be cut. And then I would have sat in silence for the rest of the court. And what would have happened to Dan is any chance to lose that.
Starting point is 00:47:47 It's a bit embarrassing. And then everybody else would have piled in and don't go, we can't lose it because the piling is fucking brilliant. During when Andy Murray came? Very much so. Can you ten twice. Yeah. Did you do those ones?
Starting point is 00:48:02 No, I don't think so, no. I can't remember. Yeah, he's a big fan of it's with his misses and we all got to slag him off and laughed his ass off. He was nice. What I did, he was there the day, well, was it
Starting point is 00:48:14 a Tuesday I record on? So he'd have lost the Wimbledon final on the Sunday and then he came to Motte the Week on the Tuesday. Oh, really? Fair play to him. Yeah, yeah, no, it's great. But you know, he loved Motte the Week, so that was great, but he loves his comedy, I think. And he loves his golf.
Starting point is 00:48:28 Yeah, we go. Good golf for beer. Here we go. Have you got him on the YouTube channel? No, not yet. No, at the moment, I've played with my dad and my brother. Oh, okay. I'd say book the bookings need work. Yeah. So what could you get to in terms of a handicap?
Starting point is 00:48:44 So what handicap have you got handy? I haven't got a handicap. I haven't got a handicap. I don't want to homework. You know, you can obviously, you know, if you need a handicap, you can... You work it out. You can find a handicap, as it were, because there's some courses you go, have you got a handicap card?
Starting point is 00:48:58 And you go, oh, yeah, I've got it online. and various other bits of business. No, so, but yeah, you sort of need a handicap, but it's like basically you play a certain amount of rounds and then you add it up, and that means you're this number, which means you get a certain amount of shots on each hole. But my dad, we're talking about...
Starting point is 00:49:10 Is it constantly fluctuating up and down depending on... Your ability, yeah, so if you're playing load, you can get that a bit lower because you get back. But they do it in point one, so if... I still don't understand it. I want to be... You can't even complete around. I just want to shuffle around like Ronnie Corbett
Starting point is 00:49:22 in a fucking card than looking like an absolute legend. Talking bollocks to somebody on the podcast at the same time. Do you play with other people or on your own? bit of both depends who's about when i was growing up in in cornwall is right next to mullion which is the golf course is where josh is down in down in cornwall so it was the local golf course oh is that good one it's beautiful it's beautiful it's on the headland there so come and film one of your videos that's a long way in it i've got to do six hours to it but i'm just going to go on youtube channel i don't have to
Starting point is 00:49:54 put much effort in you ever played on like the pro celebrity circuit no i've been offered When I first started out in comedy, Timbrook Taylor said, I was writing some radio in Timbrook Taylor. He had a Timbrook Taylor classic, and he said, you've got to get down to 12. You said, you won't come and play any time, but you need to get down to a handicap of 12. As you've just heard, my best round is 87,
Starting point is 00:50:16 which we worked out was 70. So even now, even if Timbrook Taylor was still going and his classic were still available, I still wouldn't have again. And who would be playing at the Timbrook Taylor Classic? I think all the people you just mentioned, the Ronnie Corbitts. Carby.
Starting point is 00:50:29 You told me. Yeah, Forsythe. It's Forsyth. Parkinson. Andy, when's the tour start? So two starts back, I think it's in middle of September. 17th of September. Going to December. So, yeah.
Starting point is 00:50:40 Do you know what? I prefer the autumn leg to the spring leg. I like to tour in the dark, in bad weather. No. Yeah, I mean, I... Usually the... I like it, I like it the spring because by the end you're into summer
Starting point is 00:50:56 and everything's like coming alive. No, but I like to be thinking, Christmas is coming. Here we go. That's quite nice. Oh look, I wonder if they've got Panto on here. I wonder who's in Panto? With the last question, then the final question. So what's the one thing about your wife that she does as a parent that makes you...
Starting point is 00:51:12 I forgot the question. What's the question? So we have a two-part question, right? If your wife is listening. I look the way that Rob tries to take control and then has to throw it back to you. I've got no idea. Do you know what Dara's better than we think, and we've not done a guest interview for ages? Who's got notes, Dara? You boys haven't got a good.
Starting point is 00:51:29 got any notes? You don't need notes to look this good. I'll just look at it up on his phone. Dara's never looking at a roundabout on his phone. No, if you never look at your phone,
Starting point is 00:51:40 I'll finish up. Cheers, man. Two-part question. How do you in the phone go? I've got a couple of emails of this while we've been sharing. Two-part question. Two-part question.
Starting point is 00:51:53 If your wife was listening. Yes. Are you married? Yes. Yeah. Does I marry you well. Do you read the research sheet? We don't have very research.
Starting point is 00:52:00 No, it's perfect. The one thing that she does as a mother that you go, that's incredible. This is, you know, this is why I'm so lucky to be with you. And the one thing that annoys you that if you haven't been able to bring up, but if she were to hear it, it might, you know. It might register. Yeah. Well, the thing that she is absolutely brilliant at is dealing with the kids when they're ill.
Starting point is 00:52:22 She's, you know, I'm sort of, you know, if they're not sort of at death store or whatever and you don't need to go hospital and I've done all the basic things, you know. But she'll stay with them, she'll, you know, let them come into the bed and it'll be all of that. And, you know, you're more, come on. Well, there's a little, you know, there's a point where you go, I've given you loads of sympathy. I've given you all the medicine I can give you. You know, we're absolutely maxed out on cowpole here.
Starting point is 00:52:49 Yeah. You know, there's nothing. You're trying to sort of HIV. So why don't you take your sniffles back into your room and shut up, daddy's sleeping. Got a round of golf tomorrow. I'm trying to break 86. And I definitely need to get my head down. So, but she'd brilliant to that.
Starting point is 00:53:04 But there was a time when I'll be off on tour or I'd be off, and she would get ill with the kids. And it was always like the kids would get really ill when I was away. So the one that I really remember as I was doing, I was on world's most dangerous roads in Siberia of Ed Byrne. Oh, bloody. Which was actually the bearer of the two options. Fuck, a set off from a cult, that.
Starting point is 00:53:27 The one that I was offered, they said you've got a choice of two. You can do a deaf highway with Ed, or it was the Road of Bones with Ed in Siberia, or you can do the death highway with Phil Tuffinor in Bolivia. Oh my gosh. And I thought, I'm Phil Tufno on the deaf highway. I'm not coming back from that, I don't think. I think I'd rather do gardening with Fred West.
Starting point is 00:53:55 But so my wife, she got foot and math, The kids got foot and bath. We only had one at the time, but he got foot and mav, and then she got foot and mav. And so I come back and she's really, really poorly. And that was a, that was a tough, tough moment. Is roads most dangerous what road, world's, most dangerous roads? Actually, does it feel dangerous? For nine days, it didn't feel dangerous.
Starting point is 00:54:15 But it was sunny weather. So we're driving in the snow and we'd all had our four by four training and whatever. But it was, it was, you know, you did see loads and loads. What they do. You're actually driving it? Yeah, yeah, genuinely driving. What are they doing in Russia, rather than having the little flowers by the roadside, they actually take the steering wheel from the car that's crashed.
Starting point is 00:54:35 Oh, my word. So you literally go past all these steering wheel monuments. Oh, my word. So you, but they have no white lines. So you've got a three-lane highway, and there's no, like, Lorry shouldn't be in the outside lane. No, it's just steam it because they, you know, it's a, so we were going to the, what would have been the East Coast. and we had a it was it was like a 10 day journey
Starting point is 00:54:57 and some of these lawyer drivers they just put their foot down take a few vodka because there's no nobody's testing them certainly back in the day when we were doing this for nine days we had fine weather and then for the last day it snowed not only were the no white lines but you couldn't see where the road began and ended and all these lorries piling past you
Starting point is 00:55:16 and you know we really shut ourselves that last day oh no no for that so yeah and this was the day after I think we'd been in a and we were trying to get water out of a tap and it was all brown, just brown water coming in. Oh my God. Still, better than foot and mouth. Well, better than foot and mouth,
Starting point is 00:55:35 better than Phil Tuffman. So, so yeah, that would be, she is absolutely brilliant when they're poorly. And the one thing that, and I would, yeah, I suppose whenever we're going out, you know, there's always that moment where what am I going to wear?
Starting point is 00:55:52 and literally loads of clothes come out of the wardrobe tries them all on and you know often I'm the undecided I'll try a shirt on a pair of trousers but I'll put them back in the wardrobe
Starting point is 00:56:03 afterwards she gets everything out froze it all over the place right and then leaves it out then we come home obviously you don't fancy putting it away then throws it all on the floor
Starting point is 00:56:15 does that for about two weeks so literally every item of clothing Belinda's not going to be happy about that no and she's there And then when it goes, the house is a shitter and we're going, we're going to have to get ourselves together. You know, and I'll say, oh, I don't mind. I'll do the washing up or something like that.
Starting point is 00:56:30 She'll say, oh, I know what I do. I'll do our bedroom, yeah, and tidy up the clothes. And it's entirely her clothes. Not a single one in his mind, but she regards that as a top job and she'll spend age of going to do it. I would say that is the perfect answer to that question. Andy, enjoy the tour.
Starting point is 00:56:48 Thank you very much. What's it called one more time? Please fuck off to Mars. There we go. Cheers, mate. Thanks going on. Thank you. Two and five Canadians will hear the words you have cancer. That's why every step and dollar raised matters.
Starting point is 00:57:07 On September 19th, join thousands in Toronto for the Princess Margaret Cancer Foundation walk. Challenge yourself, friends and family to walk 21 kilometers in support of life-saving research. Together, we can carry the fire and help create a world free from the fear of cancer. Register today at PMCF1. walk.ca.

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