Parenting Hell with Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe - S13 EP23: Great British Banter

Episode Date: October 5, 2026

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at tui.com. UK. Atoll and Abta protected. Hello, you're listening to Parents in Hell with Nellie. Can you say Rob Beckett? Wap. Wap.

Wap. Beckett. Rob Beckett. Beckett. And Josh Whittickham? And Tombeckham. Well done. And Archie.

And Archie by Ireland. This is my 30-month-year-old daughter, Nelly. Our Canadian and South American relatives used to call her New York Nelly. However, we have officially rebranded her as NASCAR Nellie. We're currently trapped in a horrific phase where her only setting is Sprint, specifically sprinting away from me in the chaotic streets of Manhattan. Oh, that's a tough place to parent Manhattan, is there? Yeah, I mean, you've got those tiny little parks full of dog shit and homeless people.

You've got Central Park and nothing else where I wouldn't be fearing. No, it's not, it's a tough. My friends have been in New York, but then they moved to Jersey. There's a bit more space. Jersey just off the south coast of England? No, New Jersey. Jersey, Surrey, bye, boy. You what?

Jersey's shadow. I'm trying to do that a weird American accent but isn't working. Yeah, it's not New York. Who do I associate with New Jersey? Get off the side of walking here. Yeah, yeah. But then Jersey's set out here.

Well, that's weird. I think you can do New York. Yeah? But Tony Soprano's New Jersey. Can I get a coffee around here? Yeah, he's Jersey Tony Sparna, but he's Italian-American. Yeah.

Anyway, get back to Nelly. Chasing her on a half-mile walk to, half-mile walk to and from daycare every single day is an absolute nightmare. Really gets the blood pressure spiking nicely before the workday even starts. I actually started listening to the podcast when I was pregnant. My colleague Katie, originally from Essex, told me it was mandatory listening. Having done my undergraduate degree in the UK, I desperately miss proper British banter. Oh, here we go. Making banter great again.

Here we go. That's what we're doing. No, not Farage. I'm sorry. Put the cup of tea down. Because that could be cut up. Yeah, yeah, I was joking. That would be in a reform conference.

Just that bit. Farage. No, I'm in it. This is a nightmare. And I needed your heavy dose of cynicism to balance out all the aggressive American cheerfulness over here. You lot delivered.

Thank you. I'll take that as a compliment. Cheers for keeping it sexy and relatable. Brindley. Brindley. That sounds like a moment. market town we do warm up big big big big big guys i'll be in brindley village hall next week 430 months p s you'll hear a shout and archie where are you archie that's what she was shouting

at the very end archie is her best mate from daycare but she tracks him down with intensity of a bounty hunter oh that's nice we've broken new york rob we've broken new york we're in spotify hq these these i'm these chairs are like really expensive kind of like office chairs but they're too complicated for me. I can't work out to go up or down. It's making me sit with great posture. I feel too rigid. How can I do Great British Banta? It's like like like I'm on a parole board.

Would you host Great British Banta? It's like the Great British Bake Off. But it's three... Talk me through the format. I'm the host. Day one is themed banter. Themed banter. So it'll be like, okay, kids' birthday party. Here's a sub. You go in and do banter. We film it and see how the banter goes.

And then there's, because the second thing they do on the break off is the secret one, isn't it? So it's like... Oh, so that'll be like, we just drop you in a scenario and you've got to do some banter. Yeah. And then the third one is your showstopper. So that is you can choose, you choose the banter you're bringing. Right. So my friend actually did a bit of the secret ban, like Great British banter recently.

He was in the car park and it was all dark because the lights weren't working of a supermarket car park. So it was dark and there was a lady complaining to her husband going, It's just ridiculous. It's dangerous. How can you do this or do that? And he shouted, Who said that? Yeah, right.

This great British banter. Great British banter, TM. Oh, how are you, Josh? I've had a bad night's sleep. Have you? Of lights. So you know we're having our house done? Well, yeah, for last six years.

Bit different house. The electricians were around yesterday. Could we get, for people that have just, join the pod. Should we give a quick brief recap of your house works? Yeah. So. You were in a house in London.

Yeah. That needed doing up. Well, not really. Well, do you know what I look back on it as? Right. And it's an expensive way to find this out. Go on. Very expensive way to find this out.

We were unhappy in our house in London. Mm. So we thought doing it up would, change our happiness living there. But it wasn't. But it wasn't that. Right. So doing the house up in London was I suppose

like a couple trying to save their marriage by... Changing things, but actually they need to change each other. And then they realise they need to change each other. Do you think I should tell Lou to cancel the boob job? So, but you realise actually it's not the house. Anyway, so then you move to London. did that.

Yeah. So I think we've been in the midst of work since the middle of 2014. Yeah. And it's, yeah, obviously now middle of 2026. Yeah. And are you in a bed yet? Quick recap on you. So, well, this is last night.

Can I just say something? Are we in a different room now? All of you? No, no, no. Me and you are recording this. Oh, no, we're in a different room. Yeah. And normally Michael's through a curtain.

Yeah. And he live edits the cameras to say. save time later. Okay, yeah, good idea. But I can hear him clicking the button every time he switches camera because he's just in the corner of this room. Yeah. And is that distracting?

No, that's just a click. It's like you, Michael. Oh, is that not you? Oh, is that not you. Oh, it's my jewellery. Oh, I thought it was my kind of. My bracelet. I'll take my bracelet off.

No, it's fine. It's fine. It's like when you get a reality star on a panel show. They come in with, like, jewelry in the ruins of the mics. I'll move that there. Bobby George. I bet you like Bobby George. George, Tony.

We're listening to Chas and Dave on the way to school. Do you know, I've got a weird story about Bobby George. They'll come back to it. So if people don't know who Bobby George is, I guess. Hang, we're still talking about your... The clicks going on, it wasn't your bracelet at all. There's click.

There's no click. What is that click? Can you hear it? I can't hear it. I can't hear a click. There is. No. There.

You're like a mere cat. How on edge are you? Yeah, quite a much. Your ears are searching danger at all points. I know. So, just crouch, Michael. Sorry. Josh is banning you. No, do you want to try a different chair? Come on, he doesn't want to be on camera.

Sorry, sorry. What is it? Are you not on the run from in the car? But, um... So, wait, hang on, we were talking about, let's get... One, I want to know how you're sleeping, two, you want to talk about... Do you want to put a pin in sleeping and just quickly do Bobby George? And also, we're speaking about your builder. Yeah.

Do quickly do Bobby George? Sleeping and builders the same. Right, okay. I did some bad banter with the builder yesterday. Right, okay. Hang on. So at the moment, there's so many pins. So many pins.

You know, like when they're trying to find a serial killer in an American film, the pins with the red line. Okay, do Bobby Child were going back to build us. So when I was, this, I haven't thought about this since it happened. Okay. I loved darts for a brief period in the 2000s. Okay. Like, I loved both the BBC and the Sky Darts.

Yeah. I still think it's an incredible sport. Yeah. I really got into it and I was really into Bobby George. And for people that, covered in gold, East End Giza.

He wears an incredible amount of gold jewelry. Yeah. He walks on when he was a darts player with, what are those things, a candelabra, holding up a candelabra.

He never won the World Championship. I think he played the semi-final with a broken back or something like that one year. But he was... I cannot believe the detail were going into Bobby George. He was the main pundit on the BBC.

So can I say as well, when you said he wore loads of gold, I nearly interrupted and said, I watched a Mr. T documentary and I want to talk about it. Yeah, but we haven't got any pins left. But he would wear a Mr. T amount of gold. Yeah, yeah. And he's got fake tan and... No, he hasn't, not Mr. T.

Oh, sorry, Bobby George. Bobby George. Bobby George. How are your kids, all right? Yeah, good, yeah. He built his own house. He was a former brickie. Right, okay.

Yeah. He built his own house called George Hall. You need this. You need this, D.J. I'm just saying, though, but you were telling a Bobby George anecdote. We're on paragraph three of his Wikipedia. So Bobby George built his own house in the shape of a dart. No.

In the shape of a dart flight. Right? I thought he meant it was just really long and narrow. George Hall. That's called a corridor. Bobby George George. With its own fishing lake, right? Oh, lovely.

So when I was doing my postgrad in journalism, we had, to a final project. On a topic, you had to write three different articles on it. I decided to write on Dart. I thought, Dart is a good one. I'll write. The thing about the explosion of darts. And then I contacted Bobby George, said, could I interview you?

I'm a freelance journalist. I basically gave him a spiel that I was going to sell it to the Guardian or the observer. I went to George Hall with my friend pretending to be a cameraman. Amazing. Met him and his wife, interviewed him. he throughout thought this was going in the broadsheet paper had the best day it's such a charming man

I can't believe I've not heard this before neither can't I can't you know when you're like where's that left I haven't thought about it since yeah and then when you said Bobby George was like oh yeah I went around his house did you go fishing or what did you just interviewed him about his life and darts and also I did a whole thing about darts where I like interviewed Barry Hearn and stuff

I was right good at getting people on the phone Sid Wardell, I interviewed him. Yeah. The commentary of The Voice of Darts. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, well done. Anyway, what weird. What weird?

What a weird? No, but I didn't know. Have you ever? Go on. Bluffed your way into meeting a celebrity. Okay, celeb bluff. Celebruffers. Celebrate bluffers.

Yeah. That's good, isn't it? Yeah. So if you ever black, you can email in at lockdown at Parenthood.com. Yeah. Or if it's a footballer, email footballing hell. Anyway, so what's going on with your builder?

And where you're going on? And where are you sleeping? Are you in a bed? So the electrician. Right, okay. I had a bit of bad banter with yesterday. I get on very well with an electrician because he's an old guy or old fan. Okay. I said, uh, could you be bloody well?

Can you have talk sport on any louder? A bit of fun. Right, okay. Is that bit of fun or you actually do that? No, I wasn't annoyed, but then I heard him turn down talk sport. And I was like, no, no, no, it's fine. Yeah. It's fine.

Sorry, it was just, it was the second task on Great British banter. it said you've got workmen in the house say something to get them on board and I failed I failed Yeah Paul Hollywood's not giving me a hand shake for that Alexandra Berks walked in with a cup of tea and biscuits Which she just made herself

Yeah And she thought it was bake off She was a sector agent Who do you think would win Great British Banta? Oh Someone like Barry Earn or that kind of Yeah I think Ali McCoyst

Ali McCoyce would be great on Great British Banta. Honestly, because you can't have comedians. No, you're not allowed. But your judges would be comedians. So your judge would be like Leemak or someone, I don't like a kind of... Leemax good at Great British Banter, I'd say. Yeah, he'd be one of the judges. Yeah, but I don't know.

I think you need someone a bit more. He's quite intense, so, isn't he? Yeah, he'd be one of the judges and you need a softer one. Yeah, you'd have an old woman, judge. Oh, no, no. Oh, no. Oh, yeah, you didn't know what he said. I was going to say Rohing Conard.

She'd be great, but you said we need an old woman. She's no longer with us, but someone like Victoria Wood. Do you know, like a Mary Berry kind of... Yeah. Jennifer Saunders. Jennifer Saunders. Yeah, but then she's not very bantery, yeah, yeah. So who would you have?

Who would you have as? Joe Brand. Joe Brand is good at band. Yeah, I think, yeah, she's quite draw on as well. Yeah, whoever it is, you know, anyway. Right. I think Alim of course would be in Great British Bantzer. So we've heard, we're doing the second phase, right?

Yeah. So that is. now they're doing the electrics for our main bedroom. Yeah. Our bathroom upstairs. Our bedroom bathroom upstairs and the sitting room downstairs are the bits left. And you're all sleeping together still in one of the kids' rooms? No, we were in the main bedroom, but we were about to move. Last night we'd go back to bed.

So what is bed? A bed. What is bed? Talk me through bed. For Rose and my son. Yeah, a bed. They go to bed and a bed. They go to bed and a bed. Your daughter?

next to me. Next to you? Yeah. You're in the same mattress? Double. Double mattress on the floor? Yeah. Yeah.

18 months are you in the life. Live in the life. No more. It's like sleeping on a cloud. You're loving it. So you're on now, but that's fine because it's a bed, but just low. Yeah. Low bed.

Yeah. Yeah. That's good. So before we moved in, they had this wild, the last people, they had this wild, I've never seen it before. Like light switch situation. You know where you've just got, like, where there's like loads of buttons and you can do different, and it's just like, no. Too complicated. The Glasgow lived there, who's lovely, I said, how does this work?

I text him afterwards. He was like, oh, when I moved in, I'll give you the number of this guy. I paid him and he had to come around and show me how to use all the light switches. I don't want a light switch thing. Right. Okay, so some you... It's like seven different light switches for each room. Is it like one of them fancy ones on like an app?

Or is it just... There's no app, no, because it's too old. Right. It was fancy in the 90s. So it was like a system that... But if you don't have to work it, you've got no lights. So you've got to rewire the whole house. For that switch?

To get rid of these switches. But because these switches are in all the house. Yeah, every room. Right, okay. So the electricians getting rid of them. I swear you was just doing the windows. So we go up to bed. Yeah.

You said to me, we need a kitchen and the window's done. Did I? I'm sure we can go back and find that. But anyway, you're rewiring the whole house now, yep. Yeah. Natch. Also, the roof of the garage is fucked. Yeah, we know about that, yeah.

We've had roof. So, you didn't sleep well last night. So we get into the bedroom. Right, okay. The bathroom, we're like, we've got to brush our teeth in a different bathroom tonight, kids. Because our main bathroom, the light switch, he's disconnected the light switch. So they can't turn the light on. Because they're rewiring these switches.

Go into the bedroom. Lights on. But he's disconnected to the switch. This is the bedroom you're all in. Can't turn the light off. So you've got light on? Light on. Can you not take the bulb out?

No, because they are ceiling lights. Oh, like those spot ones. I mean, we're getting rid of them, yeah. So, yeah. But you can, you can. So, like, imagine these kind of things. Yeah, but you can pull them down. Yeah, but there's probably eight of them in the ceiling.

It's like... Yeah, yeah. And you'd have to... Did you cover them for the night? No. Like masking tape. My son was so excited. He was like, we're going to get to sleep in the light,

and we'll get to wake up in the middle of the night and play. And I was like, this is not me. So you're just going to sleep? No, we had to move into the other rooms. Oh, we went into the other room, fair enough. Yeah. So Rose and my son, in a bed in the spare room. Yeah.

Then in my daughter's room, my daughter's room, my daughter on her bed. Oh, that's, yeah. And me on the floor. Back to the floor. Back to the floor. Didn't want to drag the mattress from? Like all good bosses, back to the floor.

No, I did drag the mattress. Oh, so matches on the floor. Yeah. So that was my sleeping last night. That was sleeping. I'm a bit hung over this morning. I know. I went to the golf.

You went to the golf. BNW. What do you mean you went to the golf? Well, I didn't realize that going to golf is actually quite a good laugh. Yeah, I don't think it is. So you went to watch the golf Yeah So it was a celebrity pro-am

Oh yeah So Anton Dubek Hey my friend Dan Walker Yep I don't know I don't know It's fine yeah

Michael McIntyre Hey my friend Vernon K Hey I know him Paddy McGinnis I know him So yeah there was Algarf Bail

John Terry Yeah so were you playing No so I'm not quite good But you're What you're I'm not quite good enough I'm not going to name names, but you wouldn't be bottom of that list. You would be mid-table in that list.

No, I think I potentially... You'd be up in mid. You'd be playoffs. European places. Yeah. No, I think I would probably... Bales at the top. Bail, yeah.

Also, he's unbelievable at golf. Yeah. But I'm not quite good enough to play at that level. Oh, right. So how good's Anton? Anton's amazing. Is he? And he's really...

He's going to be supple. Strong, massive dancing ass. And he's got hips that slide about... Of course. Oh, it's like a basketball and a rocking ship. His hips are just sliding. And I bet he absolutely goes for it in the outfit. Oh, and also, he was one of the best that he was giving it to the crowd.

Every time he hit a shot, little dance. He'd be seven! He would be superb on Great British Banta. Oh, a little bit more of a measured old school one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It would be a front runner with Ali McKeust. He'd be up there with Ali McQuist. So, yeah, he was there, but I'm not quite good enough to play it because it's not,

I don't mind being bad because he doesn't really. matter if you're bad because you take, you play of a professional. So they hit the driver and then everyone hits the driver off the first T. Yeah. But you play the best ball that. So theoretically, they might never use, no disrespect, Vernon Kay's drive. No, but he is quite good at you, but ultimately, you're never, even of your best one, you're never going to be as good as like Rory McElroy hitting a ball.

So you essentially keep playing their shot and then the pro gets to low score. It should not be the worst, Rob. Well, when you do pro-celebrity Great British banter, and they're like, we're going to use the celebrities banter rather than yours, I'm afraid, Rob, for that. Oh, Rob. When I do that, and I do the banter, everyone use my banter as a jumping off point.

No, actually, Chris Akabusi actually now that. He'd be great on it, wouldn't it? It'd be brilliant. Chris Akabusi comes up. Yeah, so basically, so that was happening, and I wanted to watch it and see how it was so if I do play next year. But the problem is I don't mind being bad

because I'm learning and that's part of it. But there are thousands of people there. So I'm talking that you're like trying to hit a ball and it's like a professional event. So like the whole fairway is full of people. And I think if I played this year, I would have hit someone. Yes.

So I've got to get better at keeping it straight so I don't harm any. So when you turned up, sorry to... Can we go, yeah. Was there ever an... Because presumably you've got some kind of past that you were backstage or something. You didn't just go to watch.

No, I went there the day before to do a challenge for charity. Yeah. Gold Foundation and the DP Water. Was there ever a point when you turned up and you're having your coffee at 11am? Well, I didn't have a coffee. I'm hung over. I had a bottle of Stella. Right, so you're having a bottle of Stella.

Yeah, 11 a.m. Which is a mad. And then Dan Walker walks over. Yeah, yeah. And he goes, who's your partner? And you have to go. No, I'm just here to watch. Today I'll be following around Mr. Artois.

Yeah. Was there a confusion that you weren't playing? Not really because I was up in like a little viewing bit. Oh, okay. But that's where all the amateurs came afterwards. So a lot of people went, well, played Rob, and I went, thanks. Yeah, yeah. And just a bit of that.

So, but I just sat there, but watched it all day. She'd get them at like from like 10 in the morning. Who are you with? Not low. No, my brother and a couple of mates that were going anyway. And you just stand there all day. Basically is like the best beer garden ever. Yeah.

They put me in like a corporate area, which is amazing. It was a free bar. So I just stood on a balcony on the 18th hole, just watching everyone come up. And I just got really into it and got really drunk. Got really into it. And then went out. So I got home about 11. So where did you go out after the golf?

Where was it, sorry? Wentworth. So where is that? In Surrey. It's about an hour from my house. So where did you go out? Well, afterwards, my friends, friends and agent of Nick Doherty, he was to Sky Sports golf presenter who had like an evening do where he spoke about

golf and we had more booze, but by that point I was bleary odd. Yeah. And then I got over about 11, 11 o'clock, about about half-elevent. Because we had to be here for 11th. It was such a bleak morning where I did a school run, but I weren't feeling great. And then I had to wait, because where I get the train, if I'd park at the station, if I'd get there before 9.30, there's no spaces, apart from the ones that are in the pre-930 VIP Bay, which I don't understand how you get.

Yeah. You have to pay extra. So it's like, 45 minutes. I was like, do I just wait here for 45 minutes? I was like, sleep in the car? I was going to, but then I was hungry, so I drove to McDonald's drive-thru.

Oh, no. Got a McDonald's drive-thru and sat and ate that in the car and it actually smelled like human shit. Yeah. So this is my question. Go on. When I used to be hung over, yeah.

Maybe I will be again one day, but ideally not. Great for numbers, though, if you read that. Great for numbers, if I. Yeah. I would spend the whole day chasing what I thought was going to be the solution.

Yes. in food. Yes, what I've been doing. And it never works. You think, if I can just have a Mars bar or a baked potato. Or just have an antihistamines to help with my blocked up nose I get from beer. Yeah, no. So I'm hot, very overheated.

I've had a coffee in a flapjack. Thought that I'd help. No, I feel horrendous. Yeah. So I feel well enough to do this, but I am tired. So there may be points of low energy. Can I ask you about your golf? Yeah.

Okay. Because I'm really enjoying it because when we started, right? Yeah. You were, you were dipping your toe in the golfing world, but your lifestyle didn't work because your kids were too young. Yeah, I just never had any time to play at all. Yeah. Now, as a self-confessed absent father. Yep, I'm trying to readdress that.

No. No. Now, your kids are at school. Yep. You're going to play golf. Mm-hmm. You and you're doing your golf channel. Yep.

Rob Beckett. Let's golf. Yes. And you're loving it. Yeah, I am actually, yeah. And you are getting further and further. Is this beautiful about it? You're going to make me cry about it?

What are your non-negotiables on the fair way? No. I've discussed this. Breathing, shitting and pissing. Of course. My three non-negotiables. You're three non-negotiables. Last week, sadly for me, one of them became a negotiable.

I couldn't shit for the life from me. It did happen in the end? Did the medicine work? Throw it. I'm through it. Yeah, I had to double drop center cot. Two days on the bounce. No. Get things moving. It's not good for you in, is that? No.

Anyway, gone. How deep can you get sucked into this world? Golf. Because you, this, you've got to the point where you can get a passion now. Yeah. You've chosen golf. Yeah, that's my passion. I've chosen my passion. That's what you're doing. Passions.

No, yeah. I've picked it. I have. I've picked it. Yeah. Gone. how much are you going to be a golfer and sucked into the world of golf? Well, what I feel like is at the moment I'm on the edge of a big suck zone. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. And I'm dangling off the edge. Yeah. And I'm trying to make sure. Because the problem with golf is people get competitive of it and keep going, you're getting better yet, you're getting better yet? And I'm like, well, I need to reframe this because I just want to make sure I'm still enjoying it. Because if the focus is to get better, so what ends?

Have you got a pro? who's teaching? I've had some lessons and stuff but a lot of people because I've got mates that play off like the handicc... I don't... Can I say something

and this may end my whole journey in golf? I think the handicap system is absolute bollocks. The fact you have to... Explain that to people who don't know what it is. So if you play golf, right? The idea is to go around in the shortest amount of shots possible.

Okay? So if you go to a golf hole and it's like par four, that means you should do this in four shots. Yeah. Okay? And if you're playing someone else, and they do it in five shots, you're winning by one, essentially,

because they took one more than you. So if you're really good at golf, your handicap, basically, if you play off zero, it means you don't need any extra shots to get to par. Yeah, so if you're going, I'm going to get around in 72 shots, which is generally what a golf course takes. However, I'm not very good, so I'll get around in 90, so your handicap there would be 18. Yes, exactly.

So my problem with it is, if you're playing someone at a sport, why adding this extra thing of you I'm better than you so you get this it's the equivalent of me fighting Anthony Joshua but he's not allowed to use hands yeah exactly he's just got to do head butts and have his hands tied behind his back

and he's still beat me anyway so I just sort of think you think it's pathetic take that fight I've faced me chances yeah if he's got his hands tied behind his back are you beating up Anthony Joshua do you know what

like if the money's right I'd have a go but he couldn't head butt you out no because you've got the reach You know what I think would happen? If he wasn't even allowed to headbut me, I think he'd still win because I'd collapse through exhaustion. Yeah, because you'd just hurt yourself by... And he just, because imagine being stood there.

And then he could just chest you down. Yeah, and just lean on me. Yeah. But imagine punching someone with a hands behind the back and they just take it and move forward, which is what would happen. Yeah, because think of the punches he's taken in his life. Yeah.

I don't mean metaphorically. I mean, like, physically. So, so yeah, I just think, just accept your... Because I get it if you want to make the game competitive, but like say you're play off zero and I play off like 20 and I get loads of shots and then I beat you because of the handicapped system. I'm like, well, I haven't beaten you. Because you're, you can't enjoy that. So say, say, you know, if you're new, you need to get up to the right level.

So let's put it this way. Yeah. What ways we understand? Great British banter. Great British banter. You go on the Great British banter. You've got Alan McQuois and then Rory Stewart. Yeah, and Rory Stewart goes, I play off a handicap of 72 laughs.

So I start with 72 laughs because I'm cripplingly unfunned. And Ali McCoyce, like, fair enough. Fair enough. You get 72 laughs ahead of me because I'll probably catch up. Yeah. Or to make it easier, I'm not allowed to do any puns or innuendos. Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

Is that an even game? And then Rory Stewart, Ali McCoy's, he's got a butt and he can press his laugh whenever he wants. So Rory Stewart and Ali McCoyce, they're walking into a builder's yard. Yeah. Right? Rory Stewart's allowed to press the button and go, do you see Man United last night? They were shit, weren't they?

One-nilt-to-shrut. McCoy's like, okay, it's tough out here, let's go. Anyway, so yeah, I do. People keep asking my handicaps, but I can't be bothered to get in. I basically just need to find people as shit as me to play. Yeah. And then it's a fun game. Yeah.

So I played it with Tom Davis, which was really funny. He's slightly better than me, though. So do you think you're going to be like, in five years, BMW Open or whatever it's called. Maybe the pro amateur, but not the actual... No, no, no, no, that's what I mean. So it'll be you and... I'd like to be able to go to a golf day.

Yeah, you and Ian Polter with Anton DeBek and Denise Lewis. Yeah, she was there? Oh, she's great. She was there? She's a real laugh. She's great. Denise Lewis.

Do you know what? She'd be one of my... I say this, every Olympics, right? Michael Johnson, Denise Lewis, and I can't remember who the other one they have is. Gabby Logan. Yeah.

I think that's maybe my dream. Line up for athletics coverage. For sport, I think it's the strongest lineup. Yeah? I just think she's brilliant. Can I show you something, Rob? Yes, please. I was just got...

I'll just get my notes. I've double-checked. Well, I've not mentioned... It must be stuff I've got to talk to you about my kids. I'm not supposed... I've packed my travel pillow. You pack your travel pillow? My travel pillow's still got the fake tan.

Oh, from when you... Because it's worn off your fake town. Yeah, well, you have to get it redone every week. So you slept on this in your... Oh my God. It feels like a true crime podcast, and that's evidence. It's like an oily sheen to it. So that came off your face?

That came off my face. Wow. There you go. That is disgusting. And why have you not washed that pillow case? Well, because I, this morning was like, fuck, where's the pillow? Oh, it's in the suitcase.

Right. You know. Are you going to sleep on that tonight? What if it really applies to your face? So, oh God, tell me about your kids. Oh, but there was a thing where you, house, because they have like colours that they play for, like house. Yeah, yeah, yeah, like yellow, blue, red and spring.

Yeah, for Sports Day. They've all got a form or house color. I don't know what it's called. And then they obviously, so the whole school can be in Sports Day for that team. So they'll pick it, because she's in year six now, they're picking house captains for the primary school. So if you're in year six, you represent your team's color for the whole school.

So she came home the other day and she went, or my adjured to the sister went, oh, she did it, she did it, did what? Because she hadn't mentioned anything to me. She put herself forward to be house captain and did the speech. I was like, what? But I think other people knew about this in advance, had put their name forward and then written a speech. I was like, all right, so what did you do?

She went, oh yeah, I just sort of made it up on the spot. Here we go. Right. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Yeah, so I went, okay, well. Get her on. What did you do? Get her on GB.

Did she? Great. She went, well, I was listening to it. And now basically everyone else was just saying all the things they're going to do, like, I'll do this, if I'll have it, or I'll do that, I'll change this and I'll sort that. And then I just looked at all the little kids because they're like perception. And I thought, they don't really care about that. Here we go.

All they really want is you to say, if you're worried, come and speak to me, I'll look after you, smile at them and be nice, and then they'll vote for you. Do you know who she reminds me of, Rob? This is, this is. Nigel Farge. No, this is. I thought he was going to get the, Two words.

Go on. Gianni Infantino. Sorry. So my daughter reminds you of Gianni Infantino, the FIFA president. Yeah, because what he does, he knows, yes, England, Germany, Brazil, Argentina. They're the big teams. Yes. But it's one country, one vote.

Yes. So all he needs to do is have half. the small country, half the smallest half, backing him. And that's enough. That's enough. So he can, as long as he says, we're going to expand the World Cup,

there'll be more places for Africa, Asia, Oceania. He gets them all on side. As the kids were leaving yesterday, she was giving out sweets to the younger ones, said thank you for your commitment to the cause. Thank you for your support.

So she's gone. There's a voting block here. These small votes are worth as much as the big votes. Yeah. I don't need to appeal. I don't need to appeal. No, she's not to appeal to everyone, just enough to get it over the line.

Exactly. And it works, and now she's got a badge on, she's all proud. There we go, Rob, there we go. So just, you know, just early doors. Corruption wins. Corruption wins. No. No, she just was very, she just thought, I'll give it a go.

Was I very proud of her. It was a head of house at our school. I was at secondary school. Yeah. I didn't go for it. No. No. My friend Ian, who I'm still friends with, went for it.

Yeah. And he didn't win because. one of the people he went up against did it while standing on his head. While having his ankles held by the previous head of house. So he held him up like that and then to like look at me. Yeah. And he got in. Because we were, our school was quite big on dance.

We're strangely considering where I've ended up, right? I've told you this before that we had a head teacher. We were a comprehensive school. Yeah. But I had teacher who was, he was the midnights. He was very similar to Tony Blair, quite kind of, um, he was very good at getting funding. We became like a sports college and we got a new dance studio. Yeah.

And we had a bunch of boys that did a dance with bins that was very similar to stomp. Okay. Called Controlled Freaks. Oh. And Blueface group? A blue man group. Blue man group, sorry. Yeah, yeah, similar stuff.

Anyway, dancer's a big of our school. He was one of the main dances. He did it. we've got our school fate school fate yeah who's signed up to man one of the stalls oh here we go who's put himself up to do the

mr saturday night three to four p.m slot mr saturday night and Thursday afternoon well this is a question on the parents group I don't think I'm talking out of school here no pun intended they're having a parent social

Oh, I did some actual proper parenting. Oh, did you? On the WhatsApp group, they said, have you got some and so teachers email? I said, yes, gave it straight away. Here we go. Because I'm the best one. Yeah, that's good.

I'm the best. What's that? Logistics admin, details. Yeah. Come and see this guy, the ex-school rep. Really nice. Yeah. I feel like a politician on the comeback trail.

He was sacked in disgrace, and I just turn up and do a few, like, charity things. You're Mandelson. I'm Bill of Anderson. He's not on the comeback track, has he? No. There was a thing on the school parents group this morning. School, parent, social, who wants to meet up?

Yeah. No thanks. These are the options. You're all right, thanks. Well, you can't. There was the option of I'd rather, he'd put quite amusingly, you know, I'd rather be eating my sharks than do this or something like that. Yeah, no one tick that.

No. You just stay sorry. You just go, oh, you go, oh, sorry, can't make it. whenever it is. I want you to answer which one out of these three options. Did you go for? Four options. Okay.

What would people prefer as the meetup? Weekday, 4pm to 8pm, take the kids to the pub. Yeah. And it's a parent. That, that, at the moment, I don't mind that idea. Because it's nice for the kids to see everyone. Friday, 4pm to 8pm. Ooh, no.

Weekday dinner from 8pm. Absolutely not, no. Friday dinner from 8 p.m. No, no, no, no. No, no. Just. Or I'd rather swim with show. sharks than hang out with you. No, I genuinely would. I don't want to say the word waste.

I don't really want to spend a Friday night with a big group of work. So you're going weekday? I'd go weekday, pick the kids up from school, take them to the pub, have a cup of drinks, get them fed, so you don't have to cook at home. So you're going weekday four to late? Yeah, and I would do that. And I would, but I'd really respect that eight o'clock. The Friday is absolutely. Is it winning? No, weekday dinner's winning. They don't want to go out with the kids. Weekday kids is on 10 Weekday dinner's on 13 Ah, but they could do both

And then two each for the Friday Two, oh And then zero for the sharks Because no one's going to reply that No, I think midweek, 40, I start for the nice few kids I think, yeah Is this for your younger, your son?

No older. Oh, okay, because that's normally A bit more social in the younger years Yeah, but there we go Anything else going on? Is it about, do you want to do some Let me tell you about parenting Go on, tell me what you've

looks out. What's going on in the parenting? The kids, my two children, they were not getting on for the last three weeks of the summer holiday. It is wild the difference, isn't it? They like get on now. Yeah, they just need a break for each other. Like, mine was the same

last week. It was insane the last couple of weeks the summer holiday. Like, everything was... We're bored of each other. Yeah. I mean, I haven't worked that much the last couple of weeks. Yeah. Although he's quite keen for me to refill the diary. Because she's working a lot.

Yeah. So she comes home and just like, you know, like brain fog, want to chill out. And I'm like, how are you feeling about retirement? Me? My semi-retirement? Well, just head to head with Lou every day, 24-7. Yes, please.

For what? I'm sorry. Not every day. Thursday, 4 to late. Don't bring the kids. Not Friday night. Not Friday night. I'm not wasting my Friday night on it.

I'm on 8 out of 10 Kast's countdown. I don't want to watch that. No, so, no, my diary is good. It's good balance. Good balance. Good balance. Okay. Nice balance.

Nice buffer balance. Because you're, we need to talk to you about your buffer. My buffer's all right. It's not. It is. Should we do a small business shout-out? Yes, do small business shout-out. Okay.

Now it's time for the small business shout-outs brought to you by Vista Print, your expert print partner to help bring your ideas to life. Like Mugs, Mugs are great because you can put the kids on them. give them to the grandparents and your branding on them for the client's employees. Basically, someone's going to be drinking tea out of your marketing. Right, Rob. Shall I start? Yes, mate.

Hi, Rob, Josh and Michael. I'm Rachel, mum of two girls aged two and four, and Megan the dog. After years of training alongside my job in finance, I left corporate life after having my second daughter to set up Nova dog training. Based in Petswood. Petswood is near me. Very near. I swear I get my hair cut.

Shout out Miller's Barbershop. Sorry, I don't want to... Small business. I want small business. Small business squared, mate. Right. Based in Petswood, covering Alpington and surrounding areas, I help busy parents whose life with their dog has become stressful.

Pulling on walks, barking at other dogs, general chaos around the house, or families who've decided kids aren't hard work enough and are adding a puppy to the mix. I remember when you did that twice. Insane. No judgment and no unrealistic expectations. Because I completely get how tough it is,

your dog alongside everything else. I offer bespoke one-to-one training packages starting at your home that fit around your work, kids and busy lives. You can find me on Instagram at Nova Dog Training UK. That's at Nova Dog Training UK or www. or Nova Dog Training.com.com. Thank you, Rachel. Hi, Rob, Joshua Michael.

Love the podcast. I've listened from the start while out running. Can I please request a small business shout out for my husband's company, the thrifty gentleman? The Thrifty Gentleman sells a wide range of stylish and affordable watch straps for both Apple watches and traditional watches, including those worn in bed, Josh. Oh, here we go. Sure is back from the vendors? No.

No. You can find him at the www. I think we should get rid of that. We need that anymore. We know it. We know it. Reduction. With the code thrifty hell.

He's also on Instagram. Thrifty underscore Gentleman underscore UK. He works so hard and our two girls are hugely proud of him. Thanks for the podcast. It brings me so much joy each week. Say sex-related, Amelia in Winchester. Well done, Amelia.

Well done. Vistaprint.com. com. Print. You're possible to get 15% off and it's a great saving. Your first Vistaprint order. Visit vistoprint.com. UK and use the code parenting hell 15.

Goodbye. Josh, absolutely loved it. When are you playing golf next? Genuinely? Of course it is. Next time after that? When? Sunday.

No. Next time after that? Monday. No. Big time. Well, I had two weeks off, didn't I? Because of my procedure. Oh, yeah, of course.

Anyway. See you next time. Do you put it back on? I'm going to put my jewelry back on, yeah. Yeah, yeah, okay. To watch your haircut. It's not as easy as you think. No, I'm going to stop.

Bye. Bye. Bye.