Parenting Hell with Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe - S13 EP4: Rob Beckett: The Toast Thief

Episode Date: July 31, 2026

In this episode Rob gets accused of stealing a childs toast at a breakfast buffet on holiday.... ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Parenting Hell⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠��⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ is a Spotify Podcast, new video episodes available everywhere every Tuesday and Friday. Please subscribe and leave a rating and review you filthy street dogs... xxx If you want to get in touch with the show with any correspondence, kids intro audio clips, small business shout outs, and more.... here's how: EMAIL: [e-mail] Follow us on instagram: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠@parentinghell⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Now streaming on Disney Plus, the Hulu original series Furious follows FBI agent Alice Black, played by Emmy Rossum, on the hunt for a mysterious and calculating serial killer. Both walk their own paths toward justice, and as their lives start to intertwine, the line between right and wrong begins to blur. New episodes week over week. Watch the Hulu original series Furious, now streaming only on Hulu on Disney Plus. Well, it's Kelly Clarkson with Wayfair. Ever order furniture online and wonder what if? Like, what if it doesn't hold up? That sofa was four days old.

You should have ordered from Wayfair. With Wayfair, there's no what if. Just style you love and quality you can trust. Visit Wayfair.ca. Wayfair, every style, every home. This episode is presented by Monzo. Josh, I love the summer holiday, aside from being asked for an ice cream every 32 seconds. Wow, Rob, that is why it's an ideal time to get them a free Monzo

kids account, help build confidence and independence with their money. can instantly send money or set up regular pocket money and parents still have full visibility and control from their own Monzo app. Unlike the request for ice creams from the kids. Monzo's award-winning kids account. Search Monzo. For children aged six to 15, parent or guardian account needed first. UK residents only, T's and C's apply. Hello, you're listening to Parenting Hell with... Can you say Rob Becker? Can you say Josh Whitaker? Now.

Mountain. There you go. Hey Rob and Josh. This is Hen and Mads from Southeast London. And our 30-month-old son, Raff, in brackets, short for Raphael. Don't slag the name of Rob. We already know you hate it. Close brackets.

What's the surname? She's called Hen. Henrietta, maybe? Henrietta and Raphael. Big fan of the pod, and I'd love to say it's prepared us for parenting, but I'm not sure anything can. For example, last month, our son swallowed a small content. shell on holiday. We're contemplating, taking him to A&E, but thankfully he shattered out the following day.

Oh, that's a, it's a quick, quick gut on Raphael. Is he a super responder? He's a teenage mutant ninja digester. Would you take your kids to the A&E if they hate a small conch shell on holiday? A conch, oh, no, because they're quite smooth a conch. Depends on the conch. It depends on the conch. And my conscience.

Thank you for letting us. Oh, there you go. A couple of puns there, no. Don't want you. Yeah. Nice, isn't it? Did you just click your fingers for a pun? Yeah.

That's what I do when I do puns. And also I did another one about the turtles. You heard that one. What was that? A shell thing. I called him a T, he went, oh, he dealt with that quick. He's a teenage mutant ninja digester. Yeah, I didn't get that at the time, but I just moved on.

Because he's a teenage mutant ninja turtles, Raphael. Oh, right. I see. I thought it was a reference to being... None of that. Yeah, yeah. I thought, Rob, it was a reference to it being a shell. Oh, no, I was still going off the name from earlier.

But, you know, yeah. I tell you what, it's a two-named mutant ninja digester, hero in a conch shell that you could add an extra. Oh, yes. Extra boost. Yeah. He's swallowed... He's swallowed Michelle.

How is she? Oh, here we go. Go. Oh, this is a good start, isn't it? I feel viably. Yeah, we've got a new catchphrase. What's the new catchphrase? The clicking when I'll do a pun.

The clicking when there's a pun. Yeah, it's a bit, yeah, that I think that feels like something that really catch on and a night out in the pub and it'd never be done ever again. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah, a night out once we got really drunk and we kept on the same. If anyone said something like that we all agreed to me, someone went, yeah, respect, actually, and then shook their hand. And then for the entire night, every time anyone did anything,

That night I got so drunk and I drank so much beer and I'd ate in so many burgers and wings. I vomited but not through alcohol just from overindulgence. Consumption. Consumption and it went all over my shoes. So I just took my shoes off and threw them in a garden and got in my mate's car and drove home. Oh my word. What a story? What's a story?

It's a story. How are you finding not gigging, Rob? I am loving, not traveling and being away from home. I really miss being able to go out and just unload and find something funny that I, that makes a room laugh and I enjoy playing around with as almost like an example is throwing someone a football and they can do keep you up easy and having a few shots. You know that excitement of, you know, if you're like working somewhere and you've got an hour break and there's a football pitch near by and there's a ball there and you go,

go and play quickly and it feels like you're a child again. Well, it's quite interesting because when we were filming. That's what happened. Yeah, and me and Romer just walked inside. Yeah, well, I love that. So that, you know, it's like... You and Tom Davis and two of the producers went and played football. Yeah.

And I looked at it and I thought, quite fancy a lie down. And I went and I slept for an hour and a half at lunch. I know. But I, the stand up, I love it because it feels like play. But what I don't like is, You've got to drive somewhere, go somewhere, wait for everyone to come in the room. Do you know what I mean?

So I've actually got, I'm doing a gig, I'm doing a festival gig in a couple of weeks. So I'm doing a little run-through gig. I'm doing an hour at the pub in London. An hour? Well, I've got two people coming on. So I'm going to do 10 minutes. Bring on someone for 10 minutes, someone else for 10 minutes and then do the rest. But it's all sold out as I've done on that 100 people.

So it's like a little impromptu gig. Because I need to remind myself of my old material to do the gig. and also I like. So I do miss. I'm going to start doing... You can do your old material? Old material that I know works from my last tour at the festival gig. What's the festival gig?

It's called... This is the hour with two other people. No, no, no. So, no. The warmer gig is in a pub in London, and I've got an hour that I'm going to fill with me doing 40 minutes and two people doing 10 minutes each. Then the next day, I've got to do like a half an hour, 40 minutes set

at the festival gig in Hertfordshire. I think it's called the Great Fate Festival and Hatfield. Right. Right. So I'm doing like 40 minutes there. So I'm doing the gig to remind myself of my joke. You are so much more conscientious than me. Oh, am I?

Yeah. I would never be worn. I do, I've done a few festival gigs this summer. I just think I'm sure I'll remember it. No, I just need to shake the rust off. I need to shake the rust off. And I don't want to be shaking the rust off in front of people that have paid proper money. I'd rather shake it off in front of people that not to throw you under the bus with that.

Well, I know. I'm rust free. I'm rust free. You're us free. But you finish your tour. But yeah, anyway, so I'm doing that. And I'm actually really looking forward. I'm looking forward to the pub gig more at the moment because there's less pressure on it.

Yeah. But then once I've done that gig and reminded myself, I know all the jokes and I can do this as a job, then I'll look forward to the gig the next day. And it'll be a fun experience rather than an anxiety inducing, oh, God, can I remember to do this? Because I know I know how to do it because I did it not before. But in answer to your question, I am getting itching. I want to do stand-up again. I thought you would.

You get itchy if you don't. I love it for a while. I just love doing it. It's just like playing. I feel like a child that's been given a big box of Lego when I'm up there messing about, if that makes sense. Yeah. So I will do more, but I'm going to start doing little random gigs

to sort of not build to a tour, but use it as a release so that I'm happier and calmer all weeks. You expect the tour to be announced in six to nine months. Don't because I know what I'm like. expect the tour to be announced. But if I do do it, I think I'm going to do, I think it will be called matinee man and I'm just going to do matinees.

Expect the normal tour of evenings. No. Definitely not that. Almost identical to the previous tour will be announced in 60. Join the mailing list now for the follow-up to the previous tour. If you saw him at 7pm in Coventry, he'll be on at 7pm in Coventry again. No.

October 2028. And I'll be doing smaller venues, smaller gigs and the daytimes. And if you want to come to them, sign up to my mailing list at Rob Beckettcom. And you'll be the first to know when I do them. But mat and A man, so that's the plan anyway. So I've said it is. Have anyone nicks at? You know it was my idea first.

It's called Matanay Man. And I'll be doing matinees across the country to be announced. And what, sorry, they're going to be matinees during the week? I haven't decided yet. I'm going to look at it. Amazing. I'd love to do Friday matinees and that's it. One gig a week.

One gig a week. And then if that sells out. though, I would potentially put more on that day. So if I do a one o'clock gig, then I might put an half four on. And if that sells out, I'll do an eight o'clock. So I'm not saying it won't be evening, but the tour will be Friday afternoons. And then if it sells, I might add on more. But that's where it will start from, as opposed to them all be at eight o'clock

and working backwards. Because I just don't want to be away from home and I still want to do it and enjoy it. Would you do the weekends? No. No. So I might struggle to sell tickets, but I'd rather sell less tickets, really, enjoy myself and be at home. And let's be honest, it'd be a great one day a week work. Can you imagine how good I'd be? Because if I'd go, like, literally leave my house at like 8 in the

morning, get to a venue, I'll be fucking buzzing. It'll be a much better gig. And then I'm home. I'm back in the car at four. I'll be home for dinner. No, but say you're doing the three gigs, right? You're treble gigging it. Yeah, if I'm treble gigging it, that's a bit more of a, but. But I mean, what a great way to work. And then you've got six days off the matinee tour. Yeah. And then I do a bit of this with you on a Monday. And then I've got the weeks. and I said, what a dream life, very lucky man. So, Matinee man. Golf. Golf. The matinee dude.

The matinee dude. No, not dude. Matinee man. Any better name suggestions, let me know. But matinee man is what I'm thinking. I think you've said it 16 times. I think is yours. Well, I'll say, I still need to say it 10 more times to beat how much we said jack a potato in the other episode. Yeah. Oh, I've got a good thing here, Josh. Yeah.

I forgot to mention it last week. My mum gave me a boomer story. Oh, yeah. She went, I've got a boomer story for you. And I went, is it something you did? She went, no, it's what my parents did. I went, well, I don't want to be a sassy bitch, but that's not a boomer story.

No, I don't know what you're doing. Victorian story. Victorian. Well, I don't know what. What is the generation? I've got, I've called it Beyond Boomer. This is for the generation of both. So my dad's dad is 103.

He's still going, isn't he? He's still going. Wow. So when would he have been born? 1920s? So. So he's not a Victorian. Oh, Art Deco.

Art Deco boomers. What I've called it, Beyond Boomer, which basically, because there's lots of people that listen to this that are older. Do you? Don't know. Well, there's people that listen to this that are in like 60s and 70s that like this, that if you want to contribute stories about the parenting you received, call it Beyond Boomer. And we know that's the extra generation because it's even more extreme than Boomer parenting.

Yeah. So my mum said, she went, oh, yeah, I remembered one. She said in quite a casual way. She went, yeah, when I was 11, Basically, our neighbour's cat had to be put down. Yeah. Because it was unwell. My neighbour's cat had to be put down.

It was unwell. So my neighbour asked me to take it to the vets on my own on the bus. Oh, my God. That is mental. I remember I was on the bus. And because the cat was unwell, it pissed all on the floor. And she said wet, actually, my mum. She didn't say piss.

It wet on the floor. And I remember all the wet was running down the bus. Oh, my gosh. And it kept on leaking because they'd put it in a fishing basket. Oh, your poor mum. Oh, my God. What's a fishing basket? I don't know, but it's got holes in it, I think, to let the water out.

So it's like, I don't know. But she was like, yeah, so, yeah, so then I had to just take it to the vets, and they gave me a note and the money, and then the vet took the note and the money, and then I just got the bus home at 11. Saddest thing I've ever heard in my life. So grim. It's horrible, isn't it?

I mean, the West 5, should we do a pun? Yeah. That's a tough task to tackle, mum. Fishing, remember? Oh, right, yeah. I was struggling with that time. Yeah, it weren't a great one. Trying to bring up their mother.

You shouldn't have warned you. What he does? She had to do it, she had to do it eight more times because it's cat, yeah? Yeah, if you want. Yeah, right, fine. Yeah. If we have to do.

Worst thing was she had to do it eight more times. That's how you do it, isn't it? Yeah. But you're sad now because you're thinking about cats, aren't you? No, I was just sad. because I was thinking about my career. What, on a Zoom with me in a hotel doing that?

Clicking fingers, making cap jokes. Don't love it. Don't love it. But, you know, it is what it is, take your medicine. Exactly. Exactly. And if you don't like it, change it. Exactly.

Well, do you know what? I like it enough to keep it. How about instead of clicking, when you do a pun, you clap your hand and then do your arms out like a showbiz. Yeah. You'll be doing that. The glasses are quite good for me. The old glass, the old Eric.

Markham style glasses. Bit of fun, family-friendly, like jokes. Well, I do do the glasses on stage now. I think it's up to my comedy by 10%. 100% it really works. Because Tom Allen uses a sort of like eyebrow for that. On the clapping thing. Yeah.

My daughter, you know those things that girls do, my kids are mental with it. Like that sort of skip a tip of top of two. So I just know one for my daughter. Go on. Boom, slap, clap, boom, slap, boom, slap, boom, boom, slap, boom, slap, shh. Oh, that's a good, well, my kids try and teach them, but they are like 12 minutes long, there's about 15 different claps, and it's like, yeah, so what you're shushing? Just stop. It's just the end.

Yeah, I like it. Yeah, you just, and they love it, don't they? My daughter's just doing it all the time. And then, but then they change the lyrics and change the words. So my kids argue over what the words are. Oh, guess what, Nick, guess what game I've passed? on to my daughter. Can't. So it's called butt crack, right? Yeah.

So I got back from where were we, Paris, and she's got a hula hoop, and she was doing that thing. You know, we used throw the hula hoop out with backspin, and it comes back to you? Yeah. And I was like, oh, my brother used to play a game with this, as a grown-up, right?

We'd play it in the garden called butt-crack, where you stand facing each other. And you got me at playing football. I know. No, I didn't have a go. Well, no, but it was implied like, oh, we're going to go for a lay down because we're a bit like above this. And now you're playing naked club practice adults. That one was not implied.

The implication was different strokes, different folks. Me and Ramesh want to go and have a little spoon in the bedroom. Yeah, and then I'm playing football, but you've got your naked brother and you're throwing a hula hoop up his ass. Well, how are you getting up his ass? So you stand and then you spin it and it has to go behind and come back. between your legs and it parks like a bike in a... In my head it's in.

Yeah, right. Well, that's, you know, that's your dirty little mind. In my head, when you, after each go, you have to wipe it clean. Yeah, of course. Of course. So it's more that it rests near your bum crack between your legs. Yeah. Like a parks bike.

In my head, you're drunk and someone's took the trousers and pants off at a barbecue in your early 20s. Okay. And then you're doing that. and it goes in the bum crook. Oh, right, yeah. No, the different kind of game, really. I wouldn't have shown that to my daughter. That'll be insane.

That's why it's a bit taken aback. But it's not, it's more just, it goes towards whatever you're wearing. It's like you stay dressed. Yeah. Okay. This episode is brought to you by Shoe. What is it about school shoes?

Just the words probably send shivers down parents' spines. Of course, Rob. It's nightmare fuel, right? So you've got A, you've got to find the right ones in the shops that please you, that please the kid, and please the school. There's three people that need to be pleased in that situation. And please your wallet, of course, Rob, please your wallet.

What size do you get? Do you get too big so they can grow into them? And then where are they? I can't find them. And it's five minutes until we need to go to school. It's constant nightmare, Rob. But then the kids want a pair that they like or they like, oh, these are me. But then if they're not really suitable, because some aren't fully suitable for school.

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Now, see Spider-Man. We're faced with a threat. That can be anyone on the biggest screen possible. You got a cup of big. I don't know if you're the real Spider-Man. I promise that I would keep you safe. Fine. Spider-Man, brand-new day.

Now playing. All right, do you want to do some correspondence? We've got anything else to mention? No, my life's pretty static at the moment. Okay. Right, we've got a few here. We've got getting Alford by an in-law. The longest, shortest time of two and wake up and leaving their house.

What's this really about? That's when people are angry, but you think it's a different reason. Oh, blimey. People have really... They're fast to send stuff. in, aren't they? Because that was only last week. Parenting help or parenting hell. This is formally solidarity or solid Karen. Let's do what's this really about as a kind of reward for being so fast off the mark. Okay. Hello Josh, Rob and Michael. Here is my, what is this really about story?

I went on holiday to St. Ives. Yeah. With my mum, dad and partner. One day, this is in Cornwall. You know that. Yeah. One day we decided to play crazy golf and the setting was as wholesome and relaxed as you can Get your trousers off. There's only one hole you're trying to get that up. Can I say, went to Fokston for a day out, so good as a little family day out, went to the sea scrub salt a place you've been to before, where you could have sauna and going to sea, cold plunge. Then Sandy's Fish and Chips, the best fishing chips I've ever eaten in my life.

And then we played mini golf and had a walk around the harbour arm and sat and had a drink. Oh, lovely. And there's a playground. Only issue is, Hard to get ice cream when we went during the week that wasn't just Mr. Whippy. Oh, yeah. I think Mr. Whippy's overrated. Me too.

I feel like a traitor if I feel like a sort of, you know, national trader for saying I don't like Mr. Whoopi, but... Do you know, Margaret Thatcher was part of the team that invented the Mr. Whippy? Are you being serious? I haven't been serious, yeah. So, did she, as prime minister? No, she was a chemist before she was a prime minister. Oh, right.

Was she? Well, like in, like, boots? No, no, like in a lab Oh Which says it all about Mr. Whippy That it was invented in a lab Yeah, I don't like It doesn't feel real

It's just like sugar cream Water out now You're like what's in this The only thing I like about Mr Whippy Is the sauce and the flake that's on it The flake I love a flake Anyway, let's go back to this

Imagine going Mr Whippy and not having the flake Basically, it's all like AI Trying to pretend to be human at the beach No flake's like meh Nah I don't like it Anyway, that's focusing. Anyway, for context, the mini golf area was next to the beach.

This is St. Ives, by the way, not Fokston. And it was a pretty low-key set up. An outdoor open space. There were two other families playing at the time, so it was very quiet. We were having a lovely time minding our own business when one of the other players, a dad playing golf with two children aged around three or five.

Okay, now I would say three and five is slightly too young to play mini-golf and it would be a fun family experience. They're sort of learning, aren't they? Anyway, I've not making excuses for this guy. Yeah. Anyway, he approached my partner. He aggressively said... Can we just, sorry, get a bit more context, please.

Sorry, I was thinking about Mr. Whippy. Can you just give me the last bit again? So it's very low key. They're by the beach, and two other families are playing at the same time on the crazy mini golf thing. We're having a lovely time, mind your own business. And it was my mom, dad and partner. So three adults, basically.

Anyway, the dad playing with two children aged around three and five. I've approached my partner. He aggressively said, excuse me, could you be any slower? Can't you see you're holding people up? You're holding up all the families. It's incredibly rude. Oh my God.

Yeah. We looked around the crazy golf course and there were 18 holes, meaning there were currently at least 15 available. The other family were in the distance. The juxtaposition of this level of road rage anger at seaside crazy golf course under an idyllic blue sky

with the sandal waves in the background was so odd and something I still regularly think about. I wish I'd asked him, and I'd love to know your thoughts. What is this really about? Now, for context, he was wearing a Rolex and a Ralph Lauren Polo. He looked like the type to own all the cycling gear and drive a sports car. Seasexian Relatable C. Now, let's break this down, Josh.

What's your first thoughts on this? I think he was incredibly competitive and he was losing. And he was... Because he's wearing a Ralph Lauren in polo, so this is a good one. What was he wearing? I can't even say. it's so distant from my experience of clothes. Do you know, me and my mates once had a competition

to see who could wear the most Ralph Lauren horses on a night out? So, like, one of had a T-shirt, one of had a jumper, and then my mate won because he pulled his trousers down and had a pair of box of shorts with about 20 on. So you think he was losing and he was angry? I think he was losing and he was angry, and he needed an outlet for that.

Right. My thoughts are, okay. He's driven to Cornwall. If he's got Ralph Lerene on a Rolex, he's probably not local to Cornwall. Yeah. He's realised it's eight hours away and he's got the hump.

He's probably from south-east London or Essex. Yeah. He's playing golf because, now this, I don't know if this is true or not, for the kind of person wears a Rolex from Ralph Lauren, they're probably from a white working class area, sort of done quite well for themselves, but may have been brought up by quite an old-school parent.

So emotionally, they find it, difficult to connect with children before they can do something with them that they know themselves like golf. A three-year-old and a five-year-old are way too young to do crazy golf. They just can't do it unless you've got a kid that's sort of freakishly good at all sports. Most kids, you're not really playing it. You're just walking around with holding a stick. He's probably stood there frustrated because at that point in time, he's one man actually doing

the course because the kids aren't doing it properly. So he's frustrated like that because he's at this idea of a day out that's not happened. he can't connect with his children yet in a way he'd like to. And the three people in front are having a chilled day out and relaxing. And he's probably jealous of them having a relaxing time. Yeah. And he snapped. Rather than going, excuse me, we're going a bit quicker than you.

Please could we go ahead? Yeah. That's my take, because he doesn't know how to process anger because his dad never hugged him. And he's probably, and I'm going to say it, he's probably going to pass that down. The odds are looking like he's passing that down. Well, did I tell you that my kids told me off of being a great. aggressive on holiday because I complained. Did I tell you this?

What did you do? So this was when the breakfast, I was on holiday, the breakfast was wrong about three times and they kept them coming over. I found a bit frustrating. They go, don't worry, sir, it'll be fine. And I go, and I was like, no, sorry. And I was being quite assertive and direct. I wasn't being rude.

I didn't read my voice, but my kids have never seen me be assertive or direct. It's always been, hey, kid, you know, very soft. There's never been a word with you, then. No, they haven't. Because at work, I'm slightly different at home. and I can't be quite assertive and quite direct and they've never really seen that side of me and they were going to dad you'll shout

and you'll be really rude and then I got in really defensive and angry because I always pride myself on not being like that yeah because I really don't want to do that so then I felt a little bit annoyed because I was like no actually this is unfair because I'm not actually being like that and then I felt myself getting angry

I was like oh god I'm now becoming what they said I am because I was angry that I felt it was not justified anyway Lou took the kids to the Lego land at the weekend while I was away working. There was a man at the front being really rude and aggressive, like going like, he bought the wrong fast passes, I think, and they wouldn't let him on.

So he's going to, I'm going to film you. Where's your boss? This isn't. And like being shouting aggressive. And Louie said she was sitting there with a girl and they were sort of giving side-eye like, oh, God, this man's being a bit mad. And then I was really happy that, because I had been playing in my mind a little bit

because I don't ever want to be, I had a lot of family members growing up that could sometimes get a bit angry in situations and it wasn't nice to be around as a child. And this is, you know, numerous people, isn't one individual? And I've always said I don't want to be like that, but I know I do have a little bit of a temper

that I try and breathe through. Yeah. And the youngest said to Lou, oh, daddy wasn't being like that, was he? Because she's seen an example of someone actually being rude and aggressive. Yeah, yeah. And then she was like, oh, and Lou kind of was going,

yeah, no, daddy was behaving in a slightly different way that you've seen him, but he wasn't being angry and aggressive. It was just sort of trying to be quite assertive and direct kind of thing. So we never complained about anything anywhere, really. We were quite chilled, but we just need some buttock and stuff. So that was quite nice, actually, to hear that, that she'd seen different. That's the kind of thing, a comment from my child that could really play in my mind and really become negative, because then I start to,

because it feeds that negative thought process. mean. So it was quite nice for her to see someone acting like that and going, oh, no, it wasn't. That was a different type of communication. I don't think this man on this crazy golf course has your ability to be self-analytical and try and improve himself, judging by this experience. But then, you know, you don't know what's happened to him. You don't know what's happened to him. Let's give him his due.

but he sounds like a wine can. But anyway, but that's a good one. Thank you very much to see and a kiss. So we get from that person. What do you want now? Do you want to get Alford? Do you want? Oh, we've got workplace shaggers, but we'll save that.

Weird and interesting things your kids are obsessed with. Playground shaggers, parenting fails. Oh, food confession, Josh. We had a lot of listeners who responded to the chewing up of the crackers and mini-chedders before putting on another cracket. A lot of people said it was disgusting and it made them feel sick, but a lot of people said they also chew up crackers on mini-cheddars and then spit them back out and then put them on another cracker

and eat them like a cracker sandwich. There's like a, there seems to be a community of this. Well, I'm glad they found a community. Community is very good in any day-in-age communities. I know, but if they could not do that near me ever. Yes, ideally. I genuinely think I'd struggle. If I was like going out with someone, I saw them do that,

I think I'd really struggle to, I'd have to have a serious chat about that. Yeah. But then I couldn't change you. Like, you can't divorce someone just because they're fucking weird over crackers. Writing that on the fall, why are you getting divorced? It's fucking weird with crackers, mate. I just can't deal with it.

Surely you'd know before you got married. I mean, I've only just heard about this now. I didn't know it was a thing at all. We got another one here. Hello, Rob, Joshua, Michael. I was listening to the recent episode of Rob's cheesy breadstick confession. Yeah. I want to share mine.

When I was younger, I'll sneak into the... kitchen behind my mum's back to steal a spoonful of bistog gravy granules straight from the oh my word oh my god i'd often take a heaping tea tablespoon and quickly run away only to return for another teaspoon to for another fix oh my word my mum would regularly comment on why the gravy granules always run out but i simply blamed it on being northern unable to eat anything without swimming in gravy. Little did she know, her own daughter had taken to spooning half the salty pellets raw

as a late night after school snack. Oh, wow. They must be so strong. Sadly, as I got older, this habit still continues. Oh, no. From Amelia. Loving the pod,

look forward to more playground shuggers. Amelia, you've written that as if it doesn't happen anymore and you're just stuck in at the end, it still continues. So not when I get older. The confession should be, I still, I don't want to hear about you as a child. The confession should be, I do this.

It started when I was a child, but I do this. Now, Amelia, I want more details about now. I don't care. You are an adult with free will. Talk me through how you are eating it now. Do you just, because it's naughty when you're a kid and like sneaky, but now you're just an adult in a house with unlimited funds for gravy. Yeah.

Not unlimited, but I think most people have unlimited funds for gravy. You're a kid and you imagine what unlimited funds would be like. Not unlimited funds, but as you say. But for Gravy, it's unlimited funds, isn't it? And I remember thinking I'm going to buy a box of stickers. You know, like football stickers and it's going to be fucking incredible. Football shirts for me and football stickers. Yeah.

And actually it's crap when you can afford to buy all the stickers for the sticker album. It ruins it. Go on, sorry. Go on. Well, I said I put on loads of weight when I was about 25. Oh, sorry. I have put on a bit. I've really let go.

I've got to sort myself out this end of summer. I know I have. I'm just heavy. I just put on weight easily. But I'm, it's fine, I can sort that out. You're a super responder to Chris. Superresponder to exercise. I am about 25, 25, if I was like, probably, no, maybe later that, 28.

I just started earning like better money because I've done a little bit of TV started selling a few more tickets was getting better gigs, got an agent so I started earning money where as a single man I worked out I could afford to have KFC for lunch every day there we go

and I was like, I can just have a KFC because before it was too expensive to have KFC every day I was when I started out coming I mean was it five to 10 quid depending on like if you're having like a full meal or a yeah

but before I used to be in one pound sushi from Tesco. Yeah, I used to be doing the Boots meal deal when I was, you know. Yeah, so like two, three quid a day. But then I've got to point with it, I could have eight quid a day here for lunch if I want. And I just had KFC every day for lunch for like three weeks. And I was, it was great, but it starts to have an impact.

It does, yeah, because you're not obviously desires me. Well, you are having fried chicken every day. But it's not just fried chicken. You've got the bun, you got the gravy, you've got the wings. Oh. So what were you having a full-on meal? So it started off because I got a bit over-excite having like a zinger box. What's in a zinger box?

So you're looking at a burger, fries, a side. So it would be like the side would could be gravy for me. But you could have got colesaw or like sweet corn, corn, corn, the col. So it would be gravy, a chicken burger, two wings, fries and a drink. Right, wow. And I'd have that. What drink? What drink?

It would be diet or water. So a Diet Coke or water. Then I started going, A, Rob, let's be a sense about this. So I just buy loads of chicken. Yeah, yeah. Great protein. So I'll just have like five chicken tenders

with no chips and in a pot of gravy and mayonnaise. That's my healthy option. Yeah. Just like lying to myself about protein. Yeah, of course. Because there's no carb here, just completely ignoring the breadcrumbs around the edge. Yeah, of course.

Anyway. Oh, dear. Right. What do you want? That's another one. What did you first spend your money on when you got a proper job as a grown-up? Yes. And yeah, what did you go mad on when you first got some money coming in?

All right. Longest, shortest time between wake up and leaving the house. Because I don't about you, Josh. I'm loving no school run at the moment. Love it. Well, we had a bit of it this morning because we had clubs. Yeah. It's still not as early.

It's the early one because our school starts early. Oh, do you know what we're doing this summer? Because we don't walk that much where we live. Because where we live, there's nowhere to walk to. Basically, it's to drive everywhere. It's not like our old house where you could do like a 10 minute walk to school, 10 minute walk back from school. We're not walking enough as a family because you have to drive everywhere.

Yeah. Because it's the countryside. So Lou's got pedometers and we're doing a family. Like, you know, the little cheap, not fit bits, but the cheap ones. Yeah. And the kids are banging to it. And basically they've got to do 10,000 steps every day. minimum.

That's the goal. And then at the end of the week, whoever's done the most steps out of the whole family gets a fiver. Oh, here we go. Here we go. It's so funny. My kids were like going to the fridge,

like just walking up and like backwards and forwards, like everywhere. And like walking around with their iPads. Because it's like you want them to do more exercise and stuff, but like you've got to make it fun. Yeah. Move around. Right.

Short as long as time between wake up and leaving the house. Hi, Rob and Josh. Just wanted to have. write in with what's got to be the most efficient morning routine ever invented, courtesy of my lazy 11-year-old son. We live over the road from school, and although a lovely school, it is not my son's favourite place or thing. He has begun to have the kind of lions we could only have dream of when he was a baby, 45 minutes sleep, eat, repeat. Oh, when he was a baby, it was doing 45 minutes sleep, and then he eats. Yeah, got you. I thought he meant, yeah. So now he's ever lying.

Now. I was like, what the fuck is, what's wrong with this fucking loon? I now need to wake him most mornings and he set a new record this week for time from horizontal in bed to school gates. 15 minutes. 15 minutes. That's good. He woke him at 825.

He was in school at 840. Yeah. In that time, he got up, did a poo. Had breakfast. Whoa, to be fair, that's, that's eating into 15 minutes. Big time. He had a poo, had breakfast, got dressed, brushed his teeth, made his pack lunch. Whoa! In capitals and a laughing crying face.

He put sun cream on and walked to the gates with my younger two complaining even though they'd been up hours earlier. I'm half embarrassed, half proud. Thanks for a super, pop, stay sexy, relatable, Sarah. What a guy. Love him. So, Josh, do you want parenting help or parenting in hell? It's a long one with swear words in. No. getting Alford by an in-law,

workplace shugger, was also, was Rob also a toast thief? Oh yeah, let's have this. Hang on. So we spoke about, I was at a buffet on holiday

and someone took my toast. Oh, right, yeah, yeah. Okay. I was very surprised here, Rob complaining in episode one, series 13, about someone sitting his toast at a hotel buffet. I'll tell you why. Here we go.

In 2022, my wife and I were on holiday in Greece with our three kids, Callum, Fraser and Bonnet. I know it's wrong at the breakfast buffet restaurant without intruding. I pointed him out to my kids. Oh yeah, not intruding, just pointed at someone, fair enough, and told him as a famous comedian.

A few minutes later, my son, Fraser went to the buffet. He returned empty plated and clearly unhappy. What's wrong? I asked. Fraser responded that, that famous guy stole my toast. Yes, here we go. Here we go. He proceeded to explain that he put a piece of toast of bread in the toaster, in the conveyor belt type.

I'll talk about moving. the goalposts. Fuck me. Do you remember this holiday, Rob? Greece, conveyor belt toaster 2020. My children would have been six and four, so no, I was barely

aware of what was going on, to be fair. Hang on. He proceeded to explain that he put a bread in the toaster, the conveyor belt type thing, and Rob put a piece of bread in straight after him. However, when Fraser's toast came out, immediately followed by Rob's, Rob took both Fraser's toast and his own.

Since then, Rob has been known in our house, as toast thief. So I was very amused to hear him complaining on the same trial. He will be known to be as a hypocrite as well as a toast thief. Keep up the good work and the best in your future endeavours, but stay away from our toast. Ewan from Glasgow. Right.

Now, I've got some questions here, Ewing. I'm happy to open up a dialogue. How old is Fraser? Right. Because I think that matters. Yeah? Because, look, I don't remember this is. is a liar?

I want to know his age. There's a few things. Look, in my defence, okay, there's a lot of stuff going on here, okay? Children lie. Here we go. Here we go. One.

How old's Frazier? Frazier. Frazier. Frazier. Whatever his kid's called. How old's Fraser, okay? Two, I think... Sorry, Rob, you're accusing his child of lying.

You've decided your opening is to accuse a child of lying. Children lie. Okay. Yeah. So do adults. Also, children love attention, don't they? Yeah. That's coming from you.

And do you know what? And do you know what's good for attention? An anecdote about a famous person. Yeah. Because seeing Rob Beckett, and I did quotation marks there, as I'm talking to third person, at a buffet, great story.

Yeah, we've all got one of those, haven't we? He loves a buffet. He's always around them from Pizza Hut. to Greek breakfast. However, Rob Beckett stole my toast. Oh, does somebody an interesting fact

for a workplace team bonding method? Yeah? Is that what's going on? Can I ask a question? I don't know what point I want now. Can I ask a question? Is this the same Greek resort that I've been to? I don't know.

I've been to loads different places in Greece. I don't know what I went into 2020. Secondly, I think, this is a big point as well here. Obviously, this is half joking, just to fill some podcast time. But the conveyor belt, the conveyor belt is a complex system. It's difficult to know which one's which. And I will, I never ever.

Wait. Do one go in the conveyor belt. I like well done toast. So I'm going in twice. Yeah. Yeah. That's what I'm saying. So I just think, the pop up toaster.

you can clearly, you know, there's two in there, two come out. The conveyor belt, it's a, it's a, it's almost off. You need to put a tag on your toast like a, like a, you know, a suitcase, an airport. Yeah, because what's happened there is that is not toast theft, because I didn't know as someone else is, at worst, I've misjudged my toast. I'm mistaken identity. At worst. In a pop up and pop out, that is theft.

What I've done is made an honest mistake. However, I put to you, maybe Fraser's made an honest mistake. Yeah. Well, that's a bonus after we've called him a little liar. Maybe that little prick. Maybe that little lying tone, but maybe he has mistaken his toast. We'll never know. All I'm saying is the conveyor belts are lawless land.

The pop-up, pop-down toaster is clear theft. and I think case dismissed it would be my opinion on it Josh, it's up to you and you and sorry for calling your son a prig, I'm only joking I don't think we can accuse phrase of lying I don't think he would

No, I think it's mistaken identity of toast personally Yeah, I've got a question We don't know by who I only eat sourdough Because if I have Because you're part of the media elite Yeah, it's because if I have the white bread my belly bloats and I do smelly farts.

Okay. Ewan, another question for you, because I would like more information on this, because if I'm wrong, I will apologize. Has that been going on since 2022? Does Fraser eats sourdough? That's been the case for about 10 years. Does Fraser eat sourdough toast?

That's my only question for the prosecution. Okay. You wouldn't look forward to hearing from you. And if Fraser does eat sourdough toast, what does that mean? We're back in the court. If he doesn't eat sourdough coast, my case rests. Your case rests.

Anyway, so we'll see from that. Apologies if I didn't eat the toast, but I think it's a stake in identity. I'm not taking that. I think that's a different, that's filed under a different kind of story than the toast thief I dealt with. Should we do one more as a pallet cleanser?

And like, you know, if I was walking back from the toast machine and I was stood there with, you know, for example, Timmy Mallet, yeah, I want Timmy Mallet to knit my toast for the story. Of course. of course.

So you're going to be, so while you regretted, accusing him of making it up, you're now doubling down on it. Yeah. No, no, no. I don't regret accusing him making up. I regret accusing him of saying it was an anecdote and two calling the child a prick. I regret those two things.

I'd like to attract those. Yeah, okay. If I can I, Your Honor? I don't know if you can. Michael, can you charge? May I approach the bench? you've approached the bench.

Michael, how do you feel I dealt with that? I think is it sustained overall, which one is it? The problem is, it's an old trick in courts. Once a jury's heard it, they've heard it. Like, they can't forget here all. Exactly.

The damage is done. The damage is done, so, yeah. I've basing a lot of my courtroom skills on the, on the, on the Matthew McConaughey, John Grisham, book to movie films. So, yeah. Anyway, Ewan, go fuck yourself, mate.

now you've got an anecdote you're in yeah why you didn't have to make up anyway um that I'm really blessed I look forward to hearing that their yeah I'd hear a bit more you and obviously I'd apologies if I didn't eat your son's toast but I think it might be mistaken toast identity but give me some more info and we can work it out

now weird and interesting things your kids are obsessed with hi Rob oh this is the one this was emailed him before all the toast stuff Hi, Rob, Josh and Michael, my son Fraser loves to make up anecdotes. He started on a holiday in Greece, and since then, he's had his bike stolen by Ainsley Harriet. He got his hair cut, but Vidal Sassoon. Anyway, hi Rob, Josh and Michael, my 7-year-old son, Abel, okay, is absolutely obsessed with the premiere in hotel chain. Amazing. Superb.

This is great. everything about it and has even been spotted by the Instagram team for his World Book Day outfit where he went dressed as a premiering manager. Amazing. So good. With his official management manual. Oh, wow. He has even had a Premier in themed bedroom at home.

Wow. Fully equipped with a breakfast menu on his bedside table and Lenny Henry sleeping next to him. I'm joking. That's true. I've never met another child with more of a niche special interest. Thanks, Christina. That is great. That is brilliant.

Is he still into the delivery thing, your boy? Yeah, yeah. They're delivering some stuff in a few weeks. Yeah. I mean, he's broad transport, but DHS is one of his absolute fives. Do keep those coming in because that is great that he's obsessed with Premier. It's Premier in the Purple one? Yes.

Yeah. I mean, I think that's a good, they've got good branding, haven't they? They're like, the colour and stuff is... We've got so many emails, yeah. Yeah, should we have one more? Do you want to do a, Michael, should we do a playground shaggers to get people to send more in for a special? Here we go. So let's do a play.

Do you want playground or workplace shaggers, Josh? So if you have any stories of sort of people that have having affairs at the school gates are in the workplace, please send them in. Yeah. We'll give you a little example of one. Workplace or playground? Uh, workplace. Hi, please keep me anonymous. I had to email and tell you about our family business Christmas party.

It was the early 2000s and my parents paid for staff. and a plus one to attend a fancy sit-down meal with drinks and dancing afterwards. One member of staff didn't have a significant other, so he decided to bring an escort with him as his plus one. What? I mean, I'm, oh, hang on, he introduced her to everyone as his new girlfriend. So I think what this is, he's sort of gone with someone and going to just pretend to me my girlfriend for a bit and say, have been seen each other for a few months.

So it's not, it's more I think he was embarrassed, he was single, as opposed to like just wanting sex, I think. Anyway, he introduced her to everyone as his new girlfriend. Every time he went to the toilet or the bar, she proceeded to offer her services to a number of the other male guests. Oh my fucking God, this is wild. One of the warehouse staff who was in his early 60s, and there was his, oh my God, I can't believe I'm reading this out,

one of the warehouse staff who was in his early 60s and there with his wife took her up, on the offer. No way. That is... I'm glad you said on the offer because he said the way out of the way out of stuff

took her up and I thought oh no, surely not. Oh no, not. Took her up on the offer. On the offer sounds rude anyway. She only pulled. She bent over and I saw her on the offer. Whilst his wife was in the dance.

floor, he slipped to the disabled toilets through the escort. Oh, God. And it wasn't long until they were caught in a compromising position by the security. Get this, Josh, after they accidentally pulled the emergency alarm in the toilet.

Oh, my God, it's too good. It all kicked off, and half of our party was asked to leave. He retired shortly after, and I'm not sure if his wife stayed with him or not. Surely not. is Lou staying with you in that situation, Rob?

No, you know, it's too public and too humiliate. I just don't understand. I think with these things that go on, there must be some sort of deep-rooted problem in the relationship where he or she's cheated before or... It's not... It's not he's gone off a bit only and she's got the arm, so I'm going to do this.

You're not leaving? I'm going to go to the disabled toilet with an escort who's come with someone else pretending to be his girlfriend and I'm going to take her up on the... the offer? I mean, are these people, do they just go mental as they get older? Because I'm 40. I don't feel I've got the energy to have sex with anyone in a disabled toilet. No. I just rather go home early. Yeah, exactly. And he must have had cash on him. She might do chip and pin.

Oh, come on. That's why she pulled the alarm. The car got declined. Anyway, we did not have another Christmas party for a few years after that from an on. Oh my God. Imagine be the owner of the company though Like you can just say I love these ones where they put anon But the story is so specific That anyone who knows that story knows That that who's that.

Let's do this. If you hear a story in here that you know of Please send in the unanon, unanon it just for us So we know who it was and where it was And we may or may not read it out Josh, small business Absolutely wild, yeah

Hi Rob and Josh I would like to give my brother-in-law Small Business a shout out, located in Dulwich and Croydon Park. He owns and runs two butchers called the Proud Sal. He created the amazing business whilst also raising my fantastic niece and nephew. We love the shop of stories and meat, which is always delicious and cooked to perfection by him. Anyone local, please visit for amazing sausages, another meat.

You can find him on Instagram at Proud Sal, P-R-O-U-D-S-O-W. Thanks for laugh for making me smile almost as much as Ollie's meat. Hi, Robin Josh. Been a listener since the beginning. COVID times and now a maternity leave with my first baby. Somehow the podcast didn't put me off. Hoping for a shout out for my best friend's business. She's a former teacher who has created the Good Life Garden to encourage kids to get outside

more, offering stay and play sessions, family gardening club, birthday parties, forest school and gardening in schools and gardening services. She's based in Bedford. Can be found on Instagram and Facebook at Good Life Garden Bedford. She's amazing and balancing growing her business With raising her own family So if you're local, check her out Thanks, Emily

Thank you, Emily Right, Josh, I'll see you next time, yeah? It's more or less that's done, isn't it? Oh, what, forever, bye, it's been a long run, good run Do you know what, Josh, I love to do this, thank you for doing it It's strong Very excited about what we're going to be up to And don't worry, it's not going to be going professional

But she should leave that there as a little tease Oh, I like a little tease But we're going to be doing something podcast-wise, aren't we? Let's see. A little bit of a tip. I'm going to be taking Rob up on the offer. Yeah, I'm going to take him right up the offer. Take him right up the offer.

All right, see you later. Bye.